Chapter 169


    One day a week.


    On the day she was to meet Ian, Aria woke up early in the morning.


    It was because she wanted to prepare herself.


    Unfortunately, Aria didn’t know how to dress herself up.


    However, she knew that her peers were particrly interested in things like cosmetics and clothes.


    Aria, too, pretended not to care but had a bit of interest. She had even secretly taken some samples handed out by merchants in front of the school.


    But her reflection, adorned with makeup and essories, felt too awkward. That awkwardness became a small inner wound that made her give up trying to decorate herself.


    That’s why Aria’s way of getting ready was simple to exin.


    She spent more time than usual washing herself clean.She carefully washed her long bangs that nearly covered her eyes and her messy hair, strand by strand. Even the soap that she usually smeared on quickly, she rubbed slowly and firmly today.


    Today was a special day. It was a day she could spend all day with Ian.


    “…I think I cleaned up well.”


    She stood in front of the mirror and looked at herself.


    Her bangs always drooped down, covering her eyes.


    Aria yfully brushed her bangs back and forth.


    Would it look better if her eyes were more visible?


    Wouldn’t that be prettier?


    These were the thoughts going through her mind.


    But in the end, she always returned to the same ce.


    Her long bangs, hiding her eyes in a gloomy way.


    This was the best fit for her.


    It conveniently shielded her from people’s gazes.


    For someone as insignificant as her, this look suited her perfectly.


    ‘… And maybe I should look a bit sadder.’


    After all, that made Ian pay more attention to her. And so, she went to meet Ian.


    ◆


    Whenever she met Ian, the conversation was always the same.


    There was this incident at school.


    It feels like everyone hated her. She didn’t know what to do.


    After talking like this for a while, Ian would always respond in the same way.


    “It must have been tough.”


    “Y-yeah…”


    “You’ve worked hard.”


    He never judged her.


    He didn’t give advice.


    He would just, always, quietly.


    Hug her.


    “…Mhm…”


    Ian’s hug.


    At first, she had rejected it.


    The very act of physical contact with someone was too frightening and terrifying for Aria.


    Besides, she thought Ian had other motives.


    She feared that after hugging her, he might try something more.


    So, she tried to run away.


    She wanted to escape from his arms.


    But Ian didn’t let go.


    He just hugged her tightly, even as she tried to run.


    It wasn’t until she stayed in his arms for a while that she realized.


    The sound of someone else’s breath in a hug.


    <em>Thump, Thump. </em>


    The soft sound of a beating heart.


    The smell of another person.


    These things made her feelfortable.


    She realized that Ian truly wanted tofort her.


    That’s how hugging became a habit.


    “…”


    At some point, she started to enjoy this closeness.


    Her body and heart felt like they would melt away. Being in his arms made her happy.


    It was as if all the pain she had experienced over the week disappeared.


    Aria listened to Ian’s breathing as she remained in his embrace.


    His chest moved with her sadness.


    It was so warm.


    Like the only light in a world full of darkness.


    Yes.


    Ian was Aria’s only light.


    Only when she felt his warmth could Aria truly feel the world.


    That was why.


    Aria gradually became addicted to Ian’s warmth.


    It couldn’t be considered a good thing.


    Because without him, she could do nothing.


    She had be dependent on him.


    ‘… What if he gets tired of me?’


    That thought suddenly crossed her mind.


    And that was the problem.


    The fear that Ian might leave her.


    Aria became anxious.


    “I-Ian, listen…”


    At times like that, Aria poured everything out to Ian.


    Because if she didn’t, she couldn’t bear it.


    And then.


    “It’s okay, Aria. I’m here for you. You’ve had it tough.”


    Ian always looked at her warmly as she cried.


    That warmth made her cling to him even more.


    She began to think of ways to hold onto Ian.


    ‘Should I offer him something?’


    Her face, her body, entertainment?


    Aria believed she wasn’t attractive enough.


    Instead, she came up with another method.


    ‘If… if I fall into deeper despair…!’


    Smart as she was, Aria had already noticed. The more desperately she cried, the more worried Ian became about her.


    There was no other way to hold onto him.


    That was the turning point.


    Aria’s expressions became more extreme.


    She scratched her wrists.


    She mimicked hanging herself.


    She acted as if she might fall off a dangerous cliff.


    All to hold onto Ian.


    She did it all deliberately.


    To keep his eyes on her.


    To beg him not to leave.


    It was a kind of addiction.


    ‘I-I know.’


    She knew Ian’s expression crumbled every time she hurt herself.


    She knew she was hurting him.


    She knew she was being selfish.


    But she couldn’t stop.


    Because she couldn’t live without Ian.


    Because he was the only light in her dreary life.


    She just wanted to hold onto him, even in this way.


    Ian was everything to Aria.


    She knew.


    She knew she was trash.


    That she had crossed from dependency into obsession.


    She knew that as she spiraled further into despair, Ian was being dragged down with her.


    She knew that this rtionship could only end badly.


    That was what addiction was.


    The ending of their story would surely be a bad one.


    Then one day, a miracle happened in Aria’s life.


    “You have been chosen by Lord Deus.”


    She was given the perfect chance to change.


    ◆


    “Lady Gloomy.”


    The ones who sought her out were people dressed in priestly robes.


    A young man among them knelt before Aria.


    He had blonde hair and carried a long sword.


    He looked exactly like the hero figurine Aria cherished.


    “Lady Gloomy, you possess the qualities of a saint.”


    “A… saint?”


    “Yes. It means someone who can spread the word of Lord Deus and save the world.”


    “I-I can’t believe this. It sounds suspicious.”


    The man nodded slightly and ced his hand on Aria’s neck.


    “Excuse me for a moment.”


    Before she could react, the man’s hand glowed white.


    “What are you doing?!”


    Aria recoiled, instinctively rubbing her neck.


    There didn’t seem to be anything wrong.


    “I’ve blessed you. You won’t stutter anymore.”


    “No way… Am I really not stuttering?”


    The man smiled benevolently.


    “Lord Deus is omnipotent. If you rise to the position of a saint candidate, you will gain even greater things than this.”


    “Greater things?”


    “Yes. Anything you desire.”


    “Then… can I change myself too?”


    In response to Aria’s question, the man smiled and pointed at her neck.


    “You’ve already changed. With divine power.”


    …He was right.


    Aria had already changed.


    The soft white light emanating from his hand—divine power.


    “I can use that too?”


    “Of course. You’ll wield this power better than anyone. Would you like to try putting your hand in here?”


    The man presented a wide, gold chalice.


    “This contains holy water. If it turns white, it means you are qualified to be a saint candidate. However.”


    He continued with a serious expression.


    “If it turns white, you cannot go back. Not until you either be a saint or are eliminated.”


    It was a moment of decision.


    Hope is terrifying.


    The hope of bing a better version of herself.


    The hope of no longer needing to rely on Ian.


    Aria reached out and ced her hand in the chalice.


    The water turned whiter than anyone’s ever had.


    And so, she became a saint candidate.


    The world changed like magic.


    There was no longer any need to attend the dreary school.


    <em>— Are you defying the will of His Holiness, the Pope of Constantine?</em>


    The headmaster, who once held her back, couldn’t utter a word.


    Everything unfolded just as the priests had said.


    The more she prayed, the more she touched divine power, the more Aria changed.


    <em>— As expected, she’s a true saint candidate!</em>


    <em>— What overwhelming holy power, it’s truly beautiful, Lady Saint!</em>


    Everyone admired her.


    Everyone praised her.


    Even the Pope bestowed her with a name.


    <em>— Aria Lumines Bell.</em>


    Her confidence grew.


    I can change.


    No. I already have changed.


    ‘I’m not Gloomy anymore. I’m Aria.’


    Her hope wasing true.


    She was filled with confidence—no, it could even be called arrogance.


    Then.


    Ian came to visit.


    <em>— Ian? Why are you here?</em>


    <em>— I was worried about you.</em>


    <em>— I’m fine. Besides, I’m busy. You should leave now.</em>


    Aria cut him off firmly.


    Ian was crushed.


    <em>— Please, Gloomy… Please.</em>


    She ignored Ian as he pleaded desperately.


    I’m not Gloomy anymore.


    If I stayed with Ian, it felt like the past would resurface.


    …And because the end was already set in stone.


    <em>— I don’t need you anymore.</em>


    Let’s each live happily on our own.


    She thought this was the right thing to do.


    At least until…


    Until the moment people around her began to criticize her.


    Those who once praised her scattered.


    Their admiration for her turned into hatred.


    Divine power stems from people’s faith.


    As that faith disappeared, so did her divine power.


    And then, Aria crumbled.


    Even more than before.


    More than when Ian was by her side.


    It was the side effect of addiction to false hope.


    ◆


    “… Ah.”


    The countless memories she had reyed over and over were always bitter.


    Aria made a strange sound, close to a groan, as she curled up tighter.


    “Ugh… aah…”


    At the end of every memory was Ian’s face.


    The day she proudly received her new name from the pope.


    The day Ian came to her front door, confessing his feelings.


    <em>— Please, Aria… Please… Don’t you remember? You couldn’t be without this.</em>


    <em>— I don’t need that anymore.</em>


    She looked down at her hand. In her palm was the hero figurine Ian had brought that day. The one she had coldly thrown onto the dirt.


    She remembered Ian kneeling in the dirt, desperately searching for it.


    “No…”


    The image of Ian, devastated, looking at the dirty figurine shed in her mind.


    “No, no, no, no…”


    Yet, there it was again, in her hand.


    Clean, no longer covered in dirt.


    But.


    Its chest was hollowed out, a piece missing.


    “Ah… Ah…”


    Tears streamed down Aria’s face.


    She bit her lip, but the tears wouldn’t stop.


    Drop by drop, they fell onto the figurine.


    “I’m sorry…”


    She shouldn’t have done it.


    She shouldn’t have relied solely on the warmth Ian gave her.


    She shouldn’t have been so selfish.


    She had chosen a different path, thinking she could break free from him.


    She had let arrogance take over, believing she didn’t need him anymore.


    She was a fool.


    An idiot.


    Trash.


    It was all her fault.


    …Even as she regretted everything.


    Even though she knew she had no right.


    “Ian…”


    She wanted him again.


    Because she didn’t know how to escape this darkness.


    Because she didn’t know how to step out of the solitary room she had trapped herself in.


    And so, she waited.


    Hoping the prison-like door would open and Ian would walk in.


    Hoping the bars of the window would break open, and he woulde, smiling brightly like he used to when they were younger.


    “But… that’s impossible.”


    Her chest ached as if it was being torn apart.


    She knew the moment she had cast off the name Gloomy and chosen to be Aria, all her rtionships had shattered.


    The sun had risen, but Aria could not feel its warmth.


    She needed him.


    She needed Ian.


    He was her only light.


    Only Ian could save her.


    “I’ll go back to being Gloomy… So please…”


    Just give me one more chance.


    I’ll apologize. I’ll do anything.


    Please, just one more…


    <em>— Creak</em>


    The door to her room opened.


    As if her desperate wish had been heard.