64. Recognizing Your Mistakes


    Juliet


    I was going to lie again; it seemed like the only way I got to the bottom of anything was when I did something stupid. I said I would be at Charlene’s place; I did go and took Caleb with me to keep up the pretenses. I left him with her and was on my way out, “You sure you want to start spying on people?” Charlene remarked.


    “I’m so bored, Charlene… I want to do something naughty; give me a few hours, please,” I lied again. She shook her head, pouting, but nonetheless opened the door for me. I disappeared and came back quickly to say something, “Wouldn’t you be doing the exact same thing?”


    She smiled and nodded, “Maybe?”


    “Anything you want to know about Ben?”


    She pushed me on the shoulder, “No, but I would like to know what Carl gets up to so alone in his room.”


    “I can do that… bring you some gossip.” I disappeared and headed back to the house. Earlier, I had left a window open in the laundry room so I could quickly get in. It was kind of late, and no one would check it or close it—I hoped. Everyone was in their regular routine for that time of the night. Sadly for Charlene, Carl was watching TV. Since I didn’t want to fight with Louis, he had upped his cold shoulder to a scolding glare. When I came out of my room in the morning, and our paths accidentally crossed, he watched me with dull blue eyes. His stoic face ignored me. He would go into our dressing room and close the door on me. He hadn’t asked… and I hadn’t apologized. It had been weeks and weeks, and no one was budging. Louis stayed quiet, Marcus acted weirdly when the buzzing started, and Chris disappeared on me and was still not back.


    So… first, I walked up the stairs to Louis’s room. Every step got heavier as I climbed up towards him. Even if I was invisible, my heart was a little stressed. His door was always open. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, having a cigarette, feet on the floor, his elbows resting on his knees.


    “I would die for a fag,” I fell on the bed behind him. “I would die for a shag too.” He coughed and took something out of his mouth. “Why do cigarettes do that? You will always have one little piece ending up in your mouth at some stage… Or am I drunk when it happens… and I had it in the wrong way around.”


    Louis was more somber than usual. That morning, he at least tried to get in the ring with me, and I turned away from him. I hated seeing him so… so... I didn’t even know what to call it anymore. He just… sat there, dragged his cigarette, and slowly puffed out the smoke. I appreciate his body for a moment. His back and arms were ripped with so many tiny muscles; he’d been training hard and was cut to perfection, making every bulge their own piece of art. I wanted to run my hands over them. “I miss your body.” You would swear he was taunting me… with all of him so exposed. There was a snowstorm raging outside. All you could see were the white specks furiously flowing from one direction as the wind pushed them sideways. The howling sound outside was beautiful, making it almost a perfect night to be up there. I missed the room. I missed us.


    “We have so much to talk about… but you don’t talk to me… So, if you were wondering why I’m not making this better… that’s why... So as soon as you can—” I was cut off by the sudden hum. I observed Louis carefully, “How can you not hear it?” He didn’t even react. Louis pressed the bud into some sand; the bucket hadn’t been cleaned in a while, with many stubs sticking out in every direction.


    “It’s so early. Why are you sitting all alone in this dark room?” Louis fell back on the bed, running his hands through his hair. “Your hair is getting long… I like it. Wish I could run my hands through it.”


    There was a frown on his brow, “I don’t know what to do, Juliet?” Louis whispered softly. I turned on my stomach, so my face was close to his. “So I’m doing nothing… I’m tired.” He rubbed his fingers over his eyes, “And I’m scared.”


    My mind went blank at his confession. Louis was never scared of anything… His hands traveled from his eyes to his forehead, rubbing one hand over his brow. He turned around, lying down like me on a bent arm, staring out into the darkness. Our faces were inches apart… his lips were right there, “Argh, Louis, come on… You know I’m an ass girl. In only your underwear, you look—” He didn’t move and closed his eyes. “Don’t sleep now… keep talking to yourself like an idiot.”


    After a few moments, it seemed like he had fallen asleep… I stood and walked over to the glass window and got lost in watching the soft flakes form a mountain on the bottom corner of the window pane, “Louis… I changed into something on the farm… a demonic freak. I ate someone like a werewolf. I wasn’t like that woman behind the glass… not yet, anyway.” I turned around, admiring the view of his back, his ass, and his legs, feet dangling off the bed.


    “Michael asked me to marry him like a real human wedding. It was nice. The feeling of being asked to be someone’s life partner… He is different with me—than you guys are. Anyway… maybe he’s why you’re mad… I don’t know because you don’t talk to me… You’re getting tired of me, aren’t you?” My voice was brittle, “And I’m terrified… You didn’t sign up for all of this. You’re starting to hate me. And I think it’s because you don’t want to choose.”


    I was quiet for a moment.


    “I… saw it the night you made me obey… Seeing how angry you were and that… you could make me… do what you wanted… Anyway…You didn’t want to talk to me about it on the boat either… I really think our biggest problem is you still don’t see me as an equal partner… Well, you didn’t promise me you wouldn’t lie to me again—” Louis sat up and turned in the bed so his head was on a pillow and he was facing me on his back.


    “Why aren’t you sleeping yet? Why are you having problems sleeping— period?”


    His gaze drifted out the window. My mouth was dry from talking and other things. My eyes constantly drifted up and down his body. There was a little light coming in from the stairs, casting a sliver onto the bed and over him—made him sexy as hell, half hidden in a shadow. All I wanted was for him to run his hands all over my body. I was slowly folding.


    “I could just have sex with you because you’re my husband… No! Juliet, stop!” I reprimand myself. “You want to but can’t remember! Have some self-respect… Louis! You didn’t touch me for months. Left me in Canada, all alone… to have a baby… And you don’t include me in your life, maybe because I’m too young... I feel like your sister… No, that sounded weird. Should I rather say, friend? I don’t even know which is worse.” I couldn’t move and wished we could bridge this divide between us. “I came on a mission tonight, and your smoking body is distracting me… F— I have to get out of here.”


    He laughed. “I miss you laughing and smiling… I’m glad something can still give you a little joy... I remember when one kiss from me could make you so happy… those days are long gone.”


    I walked towards the door quickly, hearing Marcus finishing up in the bathroom.


    ***


    Louis


    I hadn’t told Juliet I could hear her thoughts when she was invisible or hear her voice when she spoke… Chris could touch her; it was amazing how all of us fit together. I was waiting for her the whole night. I’d listened to her thoughts, planning her mission. She actually thought I didn’t want to read her anymore… I missed her so much it hurt. She was about to leave, and all I wanted to do was make her stay and speak to her—confess all my secrets.


    “I gotta go… One last thing… my answer to your question on the boat. About why I think this is a stuff-up… I feel that way… because if… I… had to choose… I will always and forever choose you… Not Marcus… not Chris, and not Michael or whoever comes into my life…” My lips and my chest tightened; my shoulder shook in the dark as I tried to keep back the sobs, wanting to escape. I had been desperate for words from her. Words I didn’t know she had somewhere in her mind locked away… Any words… But what she had said… closed all the wounds of insecurities I had in my heart. “So… it’s not that I can’t handle it... it’s if you can’t handle this, and it’s a stuff up for you… Say the words… I’m yours. I don’t love anyone as I love you, babe. This is where I want to be.” There was a long pause. I gripped the sheets next to me, holding myself back from saying something, ruining months and months of hard work.


    “But until you say it, I will do everything in my freaking power to keep this family together… You’re not the only one who is scared and tired.” I heard her running for Marcus’s door. I smiled, wiping away the tears. I knew I’d have to bail her out in a little while, or she would be stuck in there with him the entire night. I got up and got dressed, waiting for my stupid wife… The love of my life.


    ***


    Juliet


    Hearing Marcus open the bathroom door, I ran down the stairs and made it just in time as he turned the key behind us. He was religious in locking his freaking door. The noise I’d become so accustomed to droned in the silence. He sat and read for about ten minutes, then walked to his cupboard and opened it. I gasped, “No Way!” He pulled out a whole table filled with books. The wall was plastered with information, photos, maps, and handwritten notes. I stood over his shoulder, watching him scribbling.


    “The history of the Monarchy of En-gannim… Why would he need the history of?” A succession scroll was rolled open—like a real one on embroidered material with old paper.


    Ahasuerus - Alive


    Danny- Dead


    Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.


    Qadir- Alive


    Marcus- Alive


    My heart sank as the weight of the situation made me sit back on the bed. Qadir wasn’t just any prisoner. And Marcus wasn’t unlucky in his heritage. The only one left was—Marcus? There were other names on the scroll. Dead. Eight of them.


    Marcus read as fast he could, making bullet-point notes. The equipment— which I now understood was how the watchers kept an eye on us—came to life, and he muttered. No! My parents never said anything… En-gannim was recording everything he did. He counted it down, jumped up, pushed the table back into the closet, and closed the doors. He forgot his book and had to get it. His weight made the bed move as he fell beside me, lying on his back.


    The pages rustled through his fingers until they stopped at his marker. I positioned myself next to him. I bit my lip as a picture of me held his place in the book. He ran his finger over it, “I love you, Julie.” A fresh pain in my chest made me sit up and grip at it. My first official chest pain—of love. It was something I had never felt before. I wondered if my heart was breaking. What was wrong with me? Why was I so clueless about the little cues around me. It all started when we came back from the embassy… Also, why he had control over Raas and didn’t tell me… They had all lied about so much.


    Why didn’t he? Why is he hiding in a cupboard? Oh no, I wasn’t allowed to know or anyone watching… They didn’t trust me… Because even then, at that moment, I wanted to reappear in his room without thinking; I wanted to scream at him for letting someone control us… But it wasn’t about control… It was about freaking going back to En-gannim and ruling as king, “F— me,” probably worse… I was the problem and why Marcus wasn’t going back… And… I mustn’t appear to be the reason or dominating his decisions.


    Tears built up and rolled down my cheeks. The irritating noise had stopped, and he continued his project in the cupboard. Every day—all day. He didn’t have a wife on the compound. My sniffles turned to ragged sobs, and I lay there for the longest time, watching him do it over and over. At one stage, he was memorizing the information, doing mind mapping, and focusing on cataloging it. If Louis and I were tired, what did Marcus feel like? A knock at the door made me sit up. I didn’t want to leave. Marcus walked over. I ran when he opened the door.


    “Hi, Marcus,” Louis said, “Can I come in for a minute?”.


    I halted outside the door as the two men disappeared—bonding? They were spending time together because… we were connected… all three of us. Louis didn’t want Marcus to feel too left out… I felt like an idiot. Louis wasn’t touching me because of Marcus… I felt useless and selfish and wanted to rip out my hair. “The baby did a number on you, Juliet. Let yourself off the hook.” Michaels’s words echoed in my mind. I bobbed my head at myself, trying to calm down... Live for today… This wasn’t your fault. And nothing was going to make me stop fighting. I would fight till I die, which was soon anyway, right?


    A few more weeks passed. The house went into a completely new rhythm of exercising and studying our asses off; we did it in the dining room, all of us together. I had even coaxed Marcus out of his room so he could be with us and help. Since I figured out what was going on and told Charlene everything I learned (I had to get it out of my system and slept at her house for a few nights), we made a conscious effort to ‘up our game’ and push ourselves more every day. I had also gone into a mode of ignoring everything and letting it be for the sake of peace in the home.


    “Okay, Juliet. It’s your turn to spar,” Marcus ordered.


    I climbed into the ring, fastening my gloves. I turned around, expecting Marcus. Louis stood staring at me. Our eyes met, but I broke it off. I didn’t want to fight with him. “May I have the privilege today?”


    My eyes shot up. I was stunned into silence. He was asking. I wasn’t expecting it. He jabbed at me and hit me in the face. I stepped back. It was a hard knock. I doubled over, shaking my head and feeling my nose.


    “Louis!” Marcus yelled.


    I lifted up my hand, “My mistake.”


    Louis came at me again. My hands came up to cover my face. Louis used all his strength and made me move my feet to block his punches. Sheesh, was this where we had angry sex or what? “Hey, Louis! Do you want me to come in there!” Marcus warned.


    Louis flashed his eyebrows at me. The spark in his piercing blue eyes captivated me. I had not seen him so animated in a while… It completely caught me off guard, and I lowered my hands. “No!” Marcus’s warning was too late. Louis pounded me in the face; the knock was so hard I fell backward and landed on my back. I groaned, rolling on my side, and rested on my elbow. I was failing. I wasn’t so weak, yet I wasn’t paying attention.


    “Wow! Easy there, tiger,” Charlene warned.


    I held up a hand to her, and she backed off, too.


    Marcus wanted to jump into the ring. Louis held out his hand to him, which surprisingly made Marcus stop. Louis reached out to me, pulled me to my feet, and quickly showed me we were not done. I lifted my hands. He moved fast, and a roundhouse kick landed on my middle—hit my ribs—I sucked in a breath. He was pulling out all the stops


    “Louis. Come on!”


    He held up his hand.


    He struck out at me. I grabbed him behind the head and kneed him in the stomach, knocking the wind out of him. Louis rallied and came up. My glove hit the side of his head. He swung around, smashing me in the face with his elbow so hard I flew over the ring and ended up in the ropes. A subtle ringing in my ears gave me flashbacks of Qadir hitting me and how helpless I was. Louis had cut my lip, and blood trickled down my chin. I had a hard time stopping my nerves and glanced at Marcus—weak as a puppy, trying to keep it together.


    I knew what Louis was doing. I needed to feel how it would be in a real fight. We were wearing gloves all the time; it was time they came off. Marcus needed to face his fears. He had been coddling me; I didn’t want to be so weak anymore. I closed the gap between Louis and me, punching at him repeatedly. He grabbed my arm, flinging me over his shoulder, and slammed me to the floor with an extra loud grunt. I groaned. His foot came flying down towards my face. He wasn’t stopping, and I needed to get on my feet. Marcus was beside himself—I had seen the look in his eyes only twice in my life. He was unraveling. I kicked out and hit Louis’s knee from the side, making him falter. He stepped sideways, swearing loudly. I used the gap to jump up and do a flying kick to his face, which he needed to block. It allowed me to wipe his feet from under him. He grabbed my hair in the process, pulling me down with him. The watcher tech came to life, and Marcus bolted out of the room.


    Louis and I were on the ground together, moaning. He rolled onto his side, facing me, resting on his elbow, “You suck.”


    I chuckled, wincing from the pain in my lip, “It’s not my fault… this is on you.”


    He climbed on top of me, “Can I kiss that better?”


    “No! Get off me, you ass.” He kissed me anyway, his lips insistent and firm against mine. Too tempted, I opened my mouth. Louis let out a deep, needy sound; I answered with a low whimper. Louis’s hips pushed into mine. We heard the footfalls of two little kids leaving. I had not been kissed in months and got lost in the moment. Louis undid my gloves so my hands could be free. I wanted to reach in under his shirt. I touched every part of him. Louis wanted the same thing and made me remove his gloves so he could roam my body until he couldn’t anymore and reached for my pants.


    “Louis, no…” I gripped his hand, our breathing ragged. I was desperate from only the kissing.


    He stopped and rested his forehead on my shoulder, taking deep breaths, “It was worth a try,” he croaked out. It lasted two seconds, and his lips fused with the skin up my neck in languid, full-lip kisses. Every touch rippled down into my core.


    “Are you going to talk to me?” He shook his head back and forth, kissing my jawline.


    “It was worth a try,” I copied him, a little disappointed, giving him a taste of how I felt. “So your display was all for Marcus?” He nodded. “You’re putting a lot of energy into him… Will there ever be a place for me there?”


    His lips crushed down on mine, devouring my mouth, plunging deep with his tongue. He rolled me on top of him, cupping my ass, rocking me into his arousal. I could not respond, and my mind was, for once, controlling my urges. My lips restrained our kiss to a slow halt. I lifted my head and looked into his eyes. Louis’s demeanor had changed, and he stroked passionately up and down my thighs, teasing me with two thumbs, looking deep into my eyes, “I love you, baby… We have all the time in the world. I’m not in a rush.” All I could think was—we were both dying—he rolled me over, stood, and got out of the ring, landing on his feet. Weird. My heart was still pounding as I stared after him. He stopped at the door—our eyes met one last time, “You sure…?” His breathing was still uneven. I shook my head, shoeing him away before I caved.


    “Knock! Knock!” I tapped lightly on Marcus’s door. He opened it skeptically. I waved a book in front of him. It took him a second, but he went back into his room and grabbed his own. We walked to the couches. He sat down, waiting for me to put my head on his lap. I stood waiting and smiling, shaking my head when he eventually looked up. Slowly, he scooted down, watching me. I sat so he could lay his head down on my lap. I didn’t understand why it was okay as long as I pushed the physical contact, telling him what to do. I pretended to read when the buzzing started, stroking his hair and raking my fingers through the soft strands.


    When the buzzing stopped, my fingers began to wander, feeling soft skin, the ruggedness of his stubble. I played with his ear and massaged his temples and facial muscles. I could see he had forgotten entirely about reading. I bent down, “I’m okay. Sorry, we had to do that.” Marcus gripped his book a little firmer; he had one weakness.


    Since he had taught us some behavioral signs of people—in the ring and out—watching people for those micro-expressions of lying or giving away their own thoughts—listening to what they said and what they didn’t. It helped me with my training, my fighting, and how to handle people. I observed the whole time and tried to act rather than react.


    It was the first morning I’d asked him to read again. The first morning, I thought I could handle it without giving anything away. I couldn’t catch a break; the front door opened. We both sat up and turned. Marcus jumped to his feet and headed over to Chris. They greeted, talking a bit. I was taking in all Chris had become; rugged with a full beard, manly and woodsy—dirty even—like a guy chopping wood without a shirt every day. His eyes met mine from the door. I was stunned into immobility. Marcus’s gaze drifted from me to Chris, and he excused himself. “No, Marcus… I’ll go. You guys… catch up.” They stared at me like snakes would grow out of my head… which was very possible because me… acting all adulty… made me want to scream.


    My birthday brought about spring around us. Marcus, let us start training with guns and swords. We could go outside and set up a range and places to practice. It kept us busy focusing on new things the whole time; his training program was never dull. Charlene and I had become little warriors able to do almost everything to a decent standard. Since practicing with Louis, who didn’t hold back, I had become… something else. It was still hushed in the house. I didn’t speak to anyone and solely focused on Caleb, going for long walks with him. I watched Chris and Caleb together and how they got on; he was really good with him.


    When I was in Canada, Carl and Charlene had started finishing their EGD, and when I got back, I jumped on the bandwagon. I wanted to at least say I finished high school on Earth. Marcus, Louis, and Chris were always together; it was so funny for me… I was the odd one out. I kept telling myself, ‘We could go on like that.’ Although it was bizarre when I came into a room, so awkward it made my skin crawl. All of them would keep quiet, stop talking, and stare at me. I forced myself not to react or say one word to any of them—an underlying rule was—I wanted to be left alone. Chris tried a few times… I just couldn’t go there. When any of them approached me—my body silently recoiled. I couldn’t keep my cool and deal with them. Or sort out all of our relationship issues. Michael had given me too much credit. Knowing what I knew about Marcus and Louis made me want to try. Nevertheless, I was slowly failing and had no one to talk to. Wondered too often if I should take Marcus up on his offer.