<u>Chapter 42 - What It''s Like</u>


    It was a cruelty that had stolen sleep from Azurus this night. A cruelty that had led him to stray out on the field alone. A cruelty that had brought on such harsh weather and stolen his sharp sword skills.


    A cruelty named fate.


    "I didn''t do it," Azurus repeated, hands running through and pulling at his snow damped hair. He sat on a crate next to a campfire.


    "I know you didn’t," Elizia said. She had her arms around herself, rubbing her shoulders to stave off the cold. The hood of her cloak shrouded the top of her face.


    "I didn''t kill Lady Roxanne or her family. Nor were they rebels. We were framed. But Sir Draumen, he…" The flames crackled. There was no chance of recovery. Sir Draumen was pronounced dead when the physics arrived on the site where Azurus had fought his former mentor. He didn''t understand what grand purpose it served the perpetrators to have a single knight of the Queen''s Guard turn on his order. What good did it serve to villainize the Guard when those reports would easily be denied by all members that had been with Azurus when they''d discovered the Draumens and their burnt estate? It was as if someone had a personal vendetta against him. Against me, an orphan with nothing of note to trace back.


    That, or cruel fate was to blame.


    "I didn''t do it," he mumbled again. Sir Draumen''s pack was full of emptied liquor bottles. Enraged and in a drunken stupor, he had come with the intent to kill and Azurus had no choice but to respond with equal force. He was the superior swordsman, but the weather had robbed him of half his skill. Disarming his mentor would have been a simple task if his limbs weren''t so slogged by the cold. "I didn''t kill his family, but I did kill him."


    Elizia sat down on the sliver of empty space on the crate, gently nudging Azurus with her body in a silent plea for space. She held his head and forced it down on her shoulder, wiping away his cold and wet tears. Shadows of her loose hair flickered at her side beneath the light of the campfire. Azurus clutched her hand tight, finding more warmth in her companionship than the flames.


    "El?" he said after a long while.


    "Mm?"


    "I did kill them didn''t I?"


    "What do you mean?" she asked.


    "I left her," Azurus said, voice caught in his throat. A droplet fell to his thigh. "I left Lady Roxanne unguarded against my better judgement. I asked and she told me to just leave. I listened to her instead of myself. I abandoned her family knowing rebels—"


    "Azurus, stop!" Elizia cried. He was taken aback, ears ringing from her sudden shout. "Stop dwelling on what has happened. It was no fault of yours. You couldn''t have known so just stop!"


    "But still—"


    "No!" she shouted again, rising to her feet and drawing the gaze of nearby soldiers. "Don''t beat yourself up over it all. Please. It hurts me to see you like this. Imagine what Emma would say if she saw you now. You''ll only continue to fail if you dwell on your mistakes like this. You''re still a soldier —a knight of Xenaria. A knight''s purpose is to fight until the bitter end."


    "Tell that to Sir Draumen. Continue to fail, was it? So you too admit that I failed," Azurus said, burying his face in his hands again.


    "That isn''t what I meant and you know it!" she protested. "Look, I know how you''re feeling right now—"


    "You don’t!" he cried, cutting her off. "You haven''t failed like I have. You''ve never killed a man from up close whom you knew was innocent and being manipulated. You don''t know what it''s like staring at the fearful expressions of farmers as you cut them down. You only sit from afar and shoot them from a position of safety!


    "You can''t possibly know how I feel! You''ve never been separated from someone you love for months on end! Nor are you a bloody orphan like me, Elizia Serene. Lady Roxanne treated me, a nobody, as if I was her own. You don''t know what it''s like to lose someone close to you!" Azurus realized he was standing now with his fists closed and mere inches away from Elizia. There were many others watching them now. Some soldiers had narrowed eyes and hands on their weapons. Azurus swallowed and took a step back, realizing he seemed threatening.This book is hosted on another platform. Read the official version and support the author''s work.


    "I do know what it''s like," she whispered, the glimmer of a teardrop running down her shrouded face like a shooting star.


    Azurus felt a pit in his stomach. He wanted to hide under a rock. Screaming out his sorrow at El of all people was not what he should have done. Lady Sar''tara lay unconscious and nearing death with every passing day and not a measure existed to prevent that. Azurus could only imagine the despair Elizia might be feeling. And the duchess had never made Azurus feel like an outsider either. He felt at home at Arcaeus too, he realized. "El, I…"


    "It''s alright," she said, still whispering, lips curled opposite a smile and two streams running down her supple cheeks. "You''re right. I don''t know what fighting in a vanguard is like. I''m not an orphan either."


    "El, I''m sorry," Azurus croaked, taking hold of her hands. They were cold now. He hated that. He wanted back the warmth that was comforting him not a moment ago.


    "You were framed for something you didn''t do," she continued. "And now, Sir Draumen too… You''re right. I don''t know how you feel. But please don''t push me away because of it. You promised we''d always be friends."


    "And I mean to keep that promise," he said, hugging her, wondering if his cold self was any bit reassuring for her. His own words seemed void of any weight. The thought made his head hurt. "I''ll keep that promise," Azurus repeated, this time trying to convince himself to believe those words.


    ***


    Elizia stared at the wooden grain of her table as the darkness of her tent faded with dawn''s arrival. It was cold. Tent walls and her cloak did little to prevent that. And then there was the aching hole in her chest. Azurus'' words cut deep. She didn''t blame him. It''d be wrong to. He''d suffered more than any one man should.


    But that desperate hope that Elizia had been clinging on to felt smaller by the day. As if the string she held on to had been lit aflame and was slowly burning, an inevitability looming overhead once the entirety of it had become ashes. Elizia knew what it was like to lose someone she loved, but she suppressed those feelings with that ephemeral string of hope. Her mother was dying and she knew that nothing could stop it. Despair was a weight on her and her father''s shoulders and it was only growing heavier with the passage of time.


    She sucked in a deep breath of cold air. She leaned back in her seat and reached upwards. "I promised I''d make you proud mother. I won''t let your second home come to ruin. So please wake up when this is all over. Please wake up and tell me that you''re proud." She clenched her eyelids, flexing the stiffness out of her face, marred as it was with dried saltwater.


    Elizia pulled close a bowl of tasteless and runny jerky stew left for her and sipped a small spoonful. She''d had little appetite and it had gone cold. But she finished it nonetheless, grateful to have something filling the hole she felt inside. She looked over a regional map before pocketing it. Her cramps had died down during the night and it was high time the unit began moving again.


    The tent flap opened and Lieutenant Faren stepped inside. He twisted his lips and studied her for a moment.


    "What?" Elizia demanded.


    "I er, heard about what happened last night. I apologize for sleeping through it, my lady."


    Elizia waved the matter away. "We held a short funeral for Sir Draumen at Azurus'' request. As for what else you might have heard," she sighed, "it''s in the past and the past is better left alone." It was hard not to think about it, but ignoring it was the only way of deflecting the pain she felt. "The soldiers need their rest. I can''t expect everyone to be awake at the smallest of things."


    "But this was Sir Azurus and Sir Draumen…"


    "Lieutenant, I don''t want to talk about it," Elizia said in a rising tone. He gave a slight bow to apologize.


    "I assume you''re well enough for us to move now then?" he asked, nodding at her boiled leather shoulder pads and torso piece.


    Elizia put the armor over her head and held her arms out at the sides, letting him tie up the straps. "Any information regarding new enemy locations?" she asked once he''d finished, slinging over a longbow and checking her belt for a pair of daggers.


    "No, my lady. I had scouts sent farther since you were incapacitated, anticipating we''d be camped for a while, but nothing of note for more than twenty leagues. But we found tracks of a marching on foot army far to the west."


    "Then order the camp to prepare. We''ll continue west as was planned and patrol around the Iron Mines and Torsdale before heading northward across Blackridge river." It was concerning that their route led them north at the height of winter, but this was the best way to cover ground and check up on all of Xenaria''s lands. With the enemy''s precise maneuvering, every corner of the nation needed to be checked for amassing forces. This war''s purpose seemed more about causing chaos than felling the crown. Which worried Elizia about another force to come if the nation was thrown into utter turmoil.


    This assuming it isn''t already in turmoil. Her father had a network of spies in near every major city that sent messages, but Elizia wasn''t privy to those out here on the field. Nor could she reliably contact them with haste being of utmost importance. Arcaeus Peak was vulnerable without their cavalry. There was a chance Tarmia would besiege it even throughout the winter. House Serene''s cavalry would be needed to cut off their supply lines and harass their camp. Without them, the garrison would be hard pressed to lift the siege themselves.


    Faren gave a salute and stepped towards the tent''s mouth. "With any luck, Lord Galadin will be eager to restore some of our lost food and firewood supply. Maybe even give us some coal which the Iron Mines have a fair supply of."


    Elizia snorted. "We''ll need a lot of luck to get a little of anything from someone like Lord Galadin."