Book 1: Chapter 112.5: Drunken Gibberish


    I drank a lot that night. When I first started drinking, I wanted to make my life better. But by the time I drank the fourth bottle of beer, my emotions came out.


    Before, I was concerned about most people. But when I was drinking with Bai Haotian, I was suddenly only concerned about myself. Everything I did in the past became clear and simple. I understood what I wanted for the first time. Before I lost consciousnesswhen it was only me and the alcohol leftI especially understood what I wanted.


    I drank heartily that night. When I was alone with my thoughts during the past ten or twenty years, I always felt panicked and weak. But at this moment, I finally understood something.


    "I always hope that I won''t let people down, I said to Bai Haotian. Although it''s very difficult, Ive finally lived to the point where I can be satisfied when only that one person isnt disappointed."


    Bai Haotian was terrified. I didn''t know what I said to her after drinking too much, or even how I got home.


    That night, I heard a lot of voices in my ear. They sounded like Uncle Three''s, Uncle Two''s, and my parents voices. I had always been clear-headed for so many years that it was rare for me to be so muddled for once. I knew that when I woke up, I would remember my thoughts when I was drunk. I saw how pure I was back in the day and felt like I wanted to cry.


    I dreamed of thema temple in Tibet and the ribbon floating in my dream. I dreamed of everythingfrom my sense of belonging, to where my life belonged in the grand scheme of thingsbut I dared not touch, stress, or solidify them. I was afraid I wasnt worthy of those memories and times. Even though I had done so many things and controlled so many other people, I still didnt dare say any beautiful words.


    This was the first time I didn''t want to sober up. I really didn''t want to. In my illusions, my emotions didnt need to be suppressed and rational. Everything about me was fixed at that first moment. I hoped to be strong and mature enough at that time.


    I fell into a deep sleep and realized at thest moment that dreaming was meaningless. I looked at Uncle Threes code and knew what I would think of tomorrow. That was what I had to do.


    ****


    <strong><em>They''re acting like we might lose power with all this snow and ice so if I go MIA for a few days, I''m not dead in a ditch or anything, just don''t have power lol. I think it''ll be fine, but who knows. I also went ahead and put "Ten Years Later" into a pdf yesterday since I felt like it didn''t really need any work (unlike the previous volumes I''m still slowly working on lol). Link is here. Ya''ll stay safe out there</em></strong>~~