6.42 – Thinking Never Helps


    For the first time in a while, Nataliey alone in her bedroom without someone to apany her. She''d intended to spend the night with Sofia, but that hadn''te to pass; the white-haired girl had scurried back to her room once it became clear she wouldn''t be ''taking advantage'' of their bet.


    Normally Natalie would have gone and gotten Jordan, but then she would have to exin what happened with Sofia, and more than that, Jordan would have asked all kinds of questions. Questions Natalie didn''t know how to answer.


    Hence, she was alone in her bed for the first time in a while, and while it was cold and unweing not having her best friend lying there to keep her warm, she did, at least, appreciate the moment of calm. To think about a very puzzling situation.


    Sofia. Clearly, Natalie had misjudged a few things there. Not only about Sofia, but also about herself. Because she hadn''t been <em>nning </em>to handle the night like she had. With soft touches andpliments, not even telling Sofia to put her cor on. The girl had looked so nervous that Natalie hadn''t been able to help herself. And when she''d responded so positively to the gentle treatment, Natalie had wanted to keepying in morepliments, turning that blush even redder.


    But then she''d gone and asked if she <em>meant </em>anything to Natalie. She was still mad about that an hourter. Or maybe mad was the wrong word. Baffled? Outraged? Indignant? Some concoction of all of those things?


    Because obviously Sofia <em>meant </em>something to Natalie. She wasn''t ''just another conquest.'' The idea that Sofia could be ''just another'' <em>anything </em>was ridiculous.


    In the least charitable interpretation of Natalie''s interest, Sofia would have been <em>the </em>conquest—not <em>any other</em>. But even that wasn''t a valid description of what Sofia was to her. Partially, maybe; she wouldn''t pretend like the idea of making her life-long rival squirm didn''t invoke <em>some </em>proud feelings of ''conquest.'' But there was a lot more there, bubbling underneath the surface.


    What specifically, though?


    Natalie rubbed her face, trying to make sense of her thoughts. Instead of examining them too closely—the revtions on the horizon made her nervous—her mind wandered back to Sofia.


    She''d been insecure. <em>Insecure. Sofia. </em>Those two words didn''t belong together. Sure, Natalie had seen it once before, like that incident on the train where Sofia had gotten overexcited and finished quickly, but that had been a—she didn''t know, surface-level insecurity? The kind everyone had. Inconsequential, she guessed, or at least not all that deep.


    But that vulnerability she''d shown not a full hour ago, lying underneath Natalie right as she was about to thrust in? That had been something more. A genuine break in her confidence.


    And about <em>Natalie </em>no less? About what Natalie thought of her?


    What?


    Why?


    She didn''t understand.


    The two of them hated each other.


    Okay, that wasn''t true. Natalie hadn''t ever hated Sofia, even if that was a word she''d sometimes used. If she allowed herself a moment of genuine introspection, she would begrudgingly admit <em>jealous </em>was the better descriptor. Natalie was a fiercelypetitive person, like just about anyone epted into one of the world''s most prestigious delving academies. And Sofia had grown up alongside her, always a bit better inbat, and a lot better in other things—all of thosepliments she''d been throwing at her. Prettier. Better poised. Smarter. Hard-working. Just so goddamn perfect that it drove Natalie insane.


    And <em>that </em>woman was concerned with what <em>she </em>thought?


    That she ''meant something to her''?


    Then again. If Natalie thought over what she''d <em>actually </em>said, it made more sense. It might be less about Natalie herself and more about Sofia wanting to mean something to <em>anyone </em>about to take her virginity. Which was obviously fair. Sofia got off on people bossing her around—that was why Natalie treated her like she did, or, well, was one of the reasons—and even enjoyed being degraded to some extent that she was carefully testing the limits on, but tonight, apparently, she had gone too far. However quickly <em>Natalie''s </em>encounters might go from flirting to sex, one week really wasn''t all that much time to ''work into things'' for a more reserved or inexperienced girl, which Sofia obviously was.


    So yeah. Maybe it hadn''t been about Natalie at all. She''d just gone too fast, and Sofia had gotten nervous about her first time being taken by somebody who didn''t care for her. And that was totally reasonable. If not how she''d expected Sofia to react, else she wouldn''t have pushed for the climactic night at all. And while the two of them were hardly going to end up girlfriends—t-that would bepletely ridiculous—Natalie was still a bit miffed by the implication that Sofia had thought them not <em>something</em>, even if just … special rivals? She didn''t know what to call it.


    Nheless, her reaction had been reasonable. Too fast was too fast, and it didn''t matter what anyone else thought about the matter. Hence why Natalie had broken the encounter off; continuing would have tainted the interaction, or at least would have a chance to. She''d haveid with Sofia in bed for a while, at a minimum, clothed and without ulterior intent, but the girl had fled back to her own room—maybe to think about things herself, which Natalie could hardly me her for, considering her own restless rolling side-to-side, her thoughts going a thousand miles per hour while finding no answers whatsoever.


    Still. The tentative conclusions she''d drawn were at least <em>somewhat </emforting. No, Sofia hadn''t been asking Natalie whether she <em>liked </em>her in that way; she just wanted to mean something to her first partner. And when Sofia had asked for the ''girlfriend experience,'' she wasn''t asking to <em>be </em>girlfriends—else why phrase it like that? The ''girlfriend experience.'' Sofia just wanted the proper experience, a veneer that their rtionship was like most others, so that she could feel morefortable for their first time.


    If their first time would evene, now that the bet would be ending. Sure, the cor acted as some sort of incentive, but that was Sofia''s item: the bulk of the ''leverage,'' the mutual excuses for their behavior, came from the bet.


    Natalie sighed. Well, whatever. She didn''t <em>want </em>Sofia''s first time unless she absolutely wanted to give it. She''d thought they''d already been there though, and was admittedly a bit pent up at not finding release after such a long, intense anticipation. She rolled over and tugged her pillow over her head, the cool sheets of the bed a salve against her unexpectedly hot face.


    And now she had two dates to n instead of one. Jordan, at least, Natalie knew: she had ideas in the works. And honestly, the two of them were lifelong friends, so walking down the street enjoying each other''spany would be a date she loved, because any date she would love so long as Jordan was there, and hopefully Jordan felt the same. Not that Natalie had something some nned out; she just knew, when it came to Jordan, that simply being together was enough. She was stressed, but also not.


    But where in the world would <em>Sofia </em>want to go?


    Natalie groaned and flopped back over, staring at the ceiling.


    At least it wouldn''t be a <em>real </em>date. For whatever reason, the idea of <em>that </em>possibility had her head ten times the mess it was already in. She didn''t dare inspect the tangled knot there.


    Just a fake one. The ''girlfriend experience.'' Yes, she could do that.