Chapter One Hundred and Fifty


    "You sure are taking a lot of stuff when you''re meant to be back here at like 4 or 5," Clare observed with a frown the next morning as Lila shoved her bag into the front seat by her feet.


    "I didn''t know what I should study for when I''m over at his," Lila responded reluctantly, closing the door behind her.


    "So, your date didn''t go well?"


    "Why would you think that?" Lila replied, aghast at the suggestion. She buckled herself in before adding, "It went really well, actually."


    "So well that you''re going over to his to study?" Clare asked as she smoothly reversed out of the driveway and began heading towards Asher''s.


    "I feel like you''re trying to imply something that I''ve already said wouldn''t happen."


    "You caught me. Nothing''s moved on that front?"


    "Nope."


    Clare flashed her a sympathetic smile. "Well, study isn''t a bad thing."


    "I know. I feel like camp really set me back on school work."


    "That''s fair. You''ll get through though, especially with Asher by your side."


    "Yeah."


    Clare tapped her index finger against the steering wheel before giving Lila a serious look. "Lila, I heard about what happened to that ex-Head Boy. Jason."


    "I''m sure everyone has by now."


    "Are you okay?"


    Lila shrugged, looking out the car window. "I… didn''t know Jason that well. He was kind of a jerk to me when we did talk. Apparently, he tried to contact me during the whole ''photos in the boys'' bathrooms'' incident."


    "I''ll keep my thoughts on that to myself," Clare remarked, though the disapproval in her tone was clear as day.


    "But… I''ve realised that, even if I don''t like someone, it doesn''t mean that their loss isn''t felt. It sounds like that should be obvious, except it didn''t occur to me exactly how much of an impact it could have on people." Of course, Lila was thinking of the tears both Ayla and Alice had cried over Piper and Jason respectively in her presence – though the tears were for vastly different reasons.


    She glanced at Clare, turning to face her. While Lila didn''t have much advice for Alice, aside from seeing a counsellor, Clare''s perspective might be helpful, since she was both older and had casual flings in the past.


    "I… actually found out yesterday that Jason, uh, got someone I know pregnant."


    "Jesus," Clare uttered, braking slightly too harshly.


    "Yeah. Um, the person… that I know… said that they were only casual and that she actually thought he was an asshole, too. Cocky, even-" Clare snorted but didn''t say anything. Lila continued, "-and she''s not sure what to do about the pregnancy now."


    "I see."


    "I just… well, I don''t have any insight but I wondered what you might do if it was you. I want to give her some advice since she''s mentioned some real heavy stuff, like the fact that if she has an abortion, it''d be like killing him twice."


    "Whoa. Firstly, I get where she''s coming from with that, but she does not need to keep the baby if that''s the only reason why she would. She''s not murdering Jason ''again'' by using her free will."


    "I know, but… it''d be an unshakeable feeling, right?"


    Clare sighed. "You''re not wrong. But she shouldn''t feel guilty for protecting herself if she decides to go through with an abortion. It''s unfortunate that he''s dead, but… it''s not like he''d know if she did or didn''t go through with it. She can''t hurt a dead man''s feelings."


    "Yeah."


    "In saying all that though, if it were me… I think I''d end up keeping it."


    "You would?"


    Clare nodded. "At least, I''d end up keeping the pregnancy going. Depending on my life''s circumstances, I might not raise the child and instead let it be adopted by his parents. I''m assuming she''s a student at Forestglade College?"


    "She is, but she''ll be graduating in November."


    "That makes it a little bit easier, then. If she still had school to focus on while raising a baby, that''d be much harder. If I was keeping the baby and raising it as a single Mum… well, that''s hard at any age, but not impossible if she has enough resources, which she might since she''s a private school kid. It means that she can''t experience a lot of the same milestones as her peers at the same time, or do things like go to parties and nightclubs as much, but some get a lot of fulfilment out of raising a baby and don''t mind ''missing out''. Do you know if she wants to be a Mum?"


    "She said she hadn''t given it much thought."


    "Something that''s very important to consider is that children will pick up on negativity and absorb it. If she feels like she''s going to resent Jason or the baby for, I guess, intruding on her life and changing the trajectory in such a drastic way, especially since she''ll be alone, that feeds into the baby. Even if she tries her best to hide it, the child may realise that they''re unwanted, which, I mean, is never nice for anyone at any age. But coming from your only parent? Messes you up for sure."


    "I… see."


    "If she feels like she''s being forced to keep it because Jason''s dead, then it''s likely she''d fall into resentful territory. If, instead, she feels like… I dunno, it''s an opportunity, or something she really wants to do, or something like that, then it should be okay. Man, that is really tough, though. Especially since she liked him enough to have sex with him, even if she thought he was an asshole. I mean, the word casual implies more than once, too, so she went back."


    Lila took a moment to think about what else she needed advice from Clare on. "She''s… also worried about what to tell the kid when they ask about their Dad."


    "That''s also tricky – but something she can worry about later down the road. I tend to believe that being honest to your kids is better than lying," a slight frown crossed Clare''s face as she said this. Lila kept her instinctual question – about whether that applied to their own parents regarding their Mum''s past – under lock and key, instead waiting for Clare to finish her thought.


    "Of course, you don''t want to tell a three-year-old that their father was brutally murdered and displayed in the local park when he was a teenager. But truthful baby steps, pardon the pun, would be helpful. At first, saying he passed away, then adding more age-appropriate detail as it goes on. Doing it that way does run the risk of another kid finding the article and telling Jason''s kid about it at school or something, which could lead to feelings of betrayal, but I still think it''s better than outright lying or giving them nightmares far too early."


    Clare glanced at Lila before looking back at the road. "Also, ensuring that the kid has support around them when she does tell them more significant details is important. Child psychologists or school counsellors, in particular – someone trained, as well as family. Even though family members are usually untrained in psychological theory, they at least know the child – or should – well enough to know how to comfort them as they navigate the fact that their father met a tragic end before they were born. Take that advice with a grain of salt, though – I am studying to become a Psychologist or whatever after all. Is this considered a plug?"


    Lila snorted. "Probably not, since you''re only talking to me and I don''t think I could be a client of yours. But… that sounds like good things for her to think about."


    "Has she told anyone else?"


    Lila shook her head. "Besides her close friend who was with me at the time, no. She didn''t get the chance to tell Jason and ask him what he wanted to do, which I think makes her feel even more anxious about doing the ''right thing'', whatever that may be. She hasn''t yet told her parents, nor has she seen a Doctor."


    "She should also tell his parents if she''s keeping it and if she can get a hold of them. It… might bring them some comfort, that their son isn''t entirely lost. Of course, the baby is their own person, but they''ll share enough traits with Jason to hopefully be a positive reminder."


    ''Well, one of them is probably still in custody and not going anywhere, given the scale of the morphine ring,'' Lila thought to herself. ''And I was able to find their Facebook profiles…''


    "Still, though," Clare sighed, "what a situation."


    "I know. She broke down over it pretty badly. She''d known for over a week, but when she found out he died, I think it tipped her over the edge and she needed to tell someone."


    "I hope she''s okay."


    "Same here."


    Neither spoke for a while, with Lila feeling satisfied for now that there wasn''t anything else that came to mind regarding Alice. But there was something else that had been playing on her mind that she needed to clear up with Clare.


    "Clare, Alex knows he can''t say anything about meeting me and Asher before, yeah?"


    "Duh," Clare replied as if it were obvious. "That''s, like, the first thing I said to him when I brought up meeting the family."


    "Good."


    "He''s pretty nervous about today, actually," Clare added softly. "It''s kinda cute."


    "Is there anything I should know about him before he comes over?"


    "I feel like you know a lot about him."


    "Not… well, about him, sure, but I don''t know who he is, really."


    "Fair. What was your first impression of him?"


    "He was pretty intimidating."


    "I guess he would be since you guys were underage and he clocked it straight away."


    "Yeah."


    Clare gave Lila a suspicious side-long look. "You''re not drinking alcohol or anything, are you?"


    "That''s a random question."


    "And that''s a non-answer."


    "Clare, I''m going to my boyfriend''s place to study, of all things. I''m boring like that."


    "Still not an answer. He could be a functioning alcoholic."


    "And still beat out the rest of my cohort in grades?"


    "Super functioning alcoholic."


    Lila sighed. "I''m definitely not drinking alcohol. If you''re still trying to figure out why I went to Coolisimo with him, it''s not because we wanted alcohol. Besides, we already told you why."


    "Lila, the excuses you gave were bogus as hell. I''ve been your sister all your life. I won''t tell anyone if you were actually trying to drink underage."


    "Clare," Lila''s exasperation was reaching a boiling point. "Cut it out. I don''t drink."


    Clare''s suspicious look only intensified, but she finally shrugged. "Fine. I''ll drop it."


    "What''s with the insistence anyway?"


    "Alcohol and the Pill aren''t good friends," Clare said grimly. "They used to think it stopped making the Pill work, but really it just makes your judgement worse, like, in misusing the Pill."


    "Great, but like I said before, nothing''s-"


    "I know, but with a bit of alcohol, things could change," Clare''s tone was incredibly severe. "Be careful."


    "I will. If it ever gets to that."


    "It will."


    "I''m glad you''re confident. I''m not so much."


    Clare didn''t respond and instead seemed to concentrate on her driving. In an effort to stop thinking about what Clare had insinuated, Lila considered what Asher had suggested last night – perhaps she could test the waters by running it by Clare first.


    "… What do you think my chances are for Mum and Dad to say yes to me staying at Asher''s?"


    "They''ve already said yes a couple times," Clare replied with surprise evident in her voice.


    "Right, but… there''s a pupil-free day coming up on a Friday, and Asher suggested I stay over from that Thursday night until the Sunday."


    "And you''re still convinced nothing will happen?" Clare asked incredulously.


    "Of course," Lila frowned. "We spoke about it yesterday. He''s still struggling with… whatever it is that he''s struggling with."


    "Well, if nothing else, that guy defends his virginity like his life depends on it."


    Lila placed her face in her hands, mortified by Clare''s casual statement on the matter.


    "Am I wrong?" Clare queried.


    "It… makes it sound like I''m attacking him," Lila said into her hands.


    Clare snorted. "Not that I''m there whenever you guys are… talking or whatever about it, I highly doubt he interprets it as you attacking him."


    Lila simply made a disgruntled sound before looking up at Clare. "Clare, what the fuck do I do about this? I''m so frustrated with myself, and I hate it. I''m broken or something, surely being so desperate at one month isn''t normal? I mean, I don''t even know what it feels like! We''ve only kissed! What if it''s terrible, or it hurts, or I hate it, or he hates it and I''ve just built all of this up in my head and then, ''cause I''ve forced him, he hates me-"


    "Whoa, whoa, Lila, slow down," Clare''s voice took on a calm, sisterly tone – something that Lila had experienced in previous moments of distress. Something that usually worked. Today, however, it made her burst into tears.


    "Shit," Clare muttered. Lila could feel the car slow to a stop and she felt incredibly stupid – which did nothing to stop her tears. Clare pulled the handbrake up before leaning over and clearing Lila''s hair from her face. The gentle touch seemed to only make Lila''s tears fall faster.


    "Lila," Clare said softly, reaching for Lila''s hands. Lila let her sister take them, trying to inhale more air but she somehow couldn''t force it into her lungs. "Oh, geez…"


    Lila hadn''t ever fully articulated these feelings properly before, even in her own ruminations. Now that she''d said them, they had the unfortunate consequence of making themselves known with incredible intensity. She squeezed her eyes shut as if it could turn off the taps behind them, her body feeling both far too cold and far too hot in Clare''s car.


    "Should we go back home? Tell Asher you''re sick?" Clare asked, placing a tissue in Lila''s hand. Lila looked down at it, its presence making her feel even worse – but at least her tears were starting to slow down.


    "N-No. You want him at the d-dinner-"


    "It''s fine."


    Lila shook her head forcefully. "D-Don''t."


    "We don''t need Asher there, I just thought it''d help Alex feel a bit more comfortable. But he''s a bartender. They''re used to being uncomfortable. I can cancel the dinner, too."


    "B-But-"


    "Lila, those are some major feelings. They probably feel even worse because you feel like you can''t talk to Asher about them since he''s got his own big feelings on it all."


    Lila reluctantly nodded, dabbing at her eyes with the tissue.


    "Have you been bottling them up?"


    Lila paused before giving a defeated shrug. She inhaled deeply, this time feeling it work to calm her down, though she couldn''t meet Clare''s gaze.


    "Bottling is never good for anyone. I''ve told you this before. You can come and talk to me about anything, you know."


    "I… know. But…"


    "But?"


    "But you''ve had your own stuff."


    "And?"


    "And… that''s more important. Since… Mum was so scary, and you''ve been anxious about work."


    "Lila, do you think you''re not important?"


    Lila shrugged again.


    "Could that be why you''re feeling like Asher won''t, well, end up having sex with you?"


    Lila wrapped her arms across her torso. "I-I don''t know," she eventually said, her voice small. "He… he makes me feel happy, and I love being with him and he''s always kind and listens to me… so I guess that makes me feel important. But I just don''t understand why he''s… like this. About that. He''s… said things like the things he wants to do comes off as disrespectful, and I said that he could basically try and disrespect me-" Clare took a sharp inhale and Lila faltered.


    "Sorry, sorry," Clare said hurriedly. "Keep talking."


    "… A-And… I''m just really curious. I want to know what he means, and he won''t tell me. I… still can''t get past the fact that he keeps telling me he wants to, but that he''s not ready. Like, if he said he just didn''t want to, that''d make a lot more sense to me. There''s this little voice in the back of my head that makes me think… he''s lying to make me feel better, without realising it''s making me feel worse. And… I think… maybe I''m feeling insecure."


    Clare didn''t say anything so Lila continued, "Insecure about how he was with Holly for so long and it sounded like… well, he said he loved her at the beginning of the year, though he''s taken that back since. But I don''t know which one''s true. And if he loved her, but still didn''t have sex with her, then what does that say about me? Will he ever love me? He… liked me for so long, and… he''s not…" Lila took a deep breath. "He called her ''babe'', a-and he hasn''t given me a nickname. I''m just Lila to him still. And he said he touched her boobs a little bit, over clothes, and he''s not done that with me. Is there something wrong with mine? Are they not big enough or something?"


    Clare inhaled sharply again and Lila''s eyes snapped to hers. It looked like Clare was suppressing the urge to laugh. Lila buried her face in her hands once more.


    "You think I''m stupid," Lila whined.


    "No, not at all," Clare responded firmly. "Sorry. It just… sounded a little bit like all these feelings are coming from him not touching your boobs, which just caught me off guard. It… also sounded, with the disrespecting thing, that you might end up being a bit of a freak, which, after hearing your far more innocent complaint about a lack of boob touching and pet names, gave me whiplash."


    "Huh?"


    "Not that there''s anything wrong with being a freak. But I''m sure his mind went crazy after you said that."


    Lila groaned, tears welling behind her eyes again. "I shouldn''t have told him that, then. I''m such an idiot. I knew at the time I was messing it up-"


    "Lila, you''re stressing yourself out. Take a moment – breathe."


    The narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings.


    Lila stopped talking and focused on breathing, as Clare had suggested. It… helped her feel better, if only just.


    After a few seconds of silence, Clare said, "I didn''t realise just how truly upset you are about this, and I''m sorry I brought it up."


    "I… didn''t realise, either," Lila mumbled.


    "Is being with him painful with these feelings you have?"


    "Not exactly. It can be when he rejects me, but… when we''re together and enjoying each other''s company, I just feel content, or happy, or… like I''m in this cosy bubble of just the two of us."


    "Would seeing him now help?"


    Considering that they were staking out ''Beans & Biscuits'' again today, Lila didn''t want to turn around and go home. But her frustration hadn''t disappeared. Would… she end up taking it out on him? She wasn''t sure. She was sure, though, that she did want to be with him – collapse in his arms, be held against his sturdy chest and listen to his beating heart, even if it was only for a few minutes.


    "I want to see him."


    "Alright. I''ll keep driving, but if you change your mind, let me know straight away."


    Clare slowly began driving again. Lila''s mind was still swirling, but at least she wasn''t crying anymore.


    The girls remained silent for a little while before Clare spoke up, her voice almost too soft to be heard. "… It worries me that you feel like you''re not important, Lila."


    Lila turned her gaze to her lap. "I don''t know if I''d put it like that."


    Clare gave her a sideways glance before shaking her head. "Lila, your value is more than whether or not your boyfriend will touch your boobs or have sex with you, you know."


    Lila winced. Having it boiled down to that simple sentence made her feel incredibly uncomfortable. It sounded silly, except… that had, more or less, been what she''d felt – even if she hadn''t put it like that.


    "Your importance lies in who you are. His want to be ready is because you''re important to him. Remember the ''friends with benefits'' guy I really liked? I wasn''t important to him in the end – just someone to have sex with so he''d stop feeling so lonely after his girlfriend left him. He didn''t care whether or not he was ready to enter into something like that and stupid me just let him do whatever. Look, you''re the most important little sister in the world to me. You''re my only one, but even if I had fifty, you''d be the most important. Don''t tell the other imaginary ones that, though."


    Lila cracked a small smile.


    "You deserve to take up space, not just sexually, but romantically, platonically, and all the other ''-ally''s'' in this world. That includes talking to me about your problems." Clare gave a heavy sigh before powering on, "I know you''re reluctant to talk to him about this, but it worries me, Lila. I think… if you want to avoid getting into the topic of sex, you should at least let him in about some of your other worries. Sure, I can reassure you that you''re important to me, but I''m thinking you''re hunting for that from Asher."


    "… I… can''t say you''re wrong."


    There was silence once more before Clare eventually said, "I''ve never been in your situation before, but I have had my moments of self-doubt and frustration. I lost my virginity ages ago, too. So I think I can tell you a few things that might help with what you mentioned."


    Lila straightened up her posture, looking attentively at Clare. Clare gave her another sideways glance before speaking. "Have you done any research into sex?"


    "… Not in detail."


    "Alright. Well, in terms of the first time, for a lot of people… it sucks. It can also hurt for girls. It''s awkward, it''s weird, there''s all sorts of feelings, physically and typically emotionally, and like most things, it takes a bit of practice."


    "Oh."


    "There''s a few things you can do to help it along, and not have it be so awkward, or painful. One of those things is getting out of your head and relaxing. Which, considering how much you like Asher, could either be the biggest hurdle or nonexistent. Another is just taking the time to really warm up through, like, foreplay and stuff. Using lube also helps." She frowned. "Not sure if I should be coaching you on all that, but it seems like the second he says yes, you''ll immediately take his pants off."


    Lila flushed. "I-"


    "Anyway, those are some tips. Man, that was awkward." Clare shivered. "Suddenly, I feel a sense of unease about my baby sister going for it, and giving you that advice just made it more real. Not sure if I can look at him in the eyes anymore. Whatever. Moving on."


    Clare cleared her throat, her eyes fixed on the road with almost too much intensity. "I can understand entirely why you''re so frustrated with yourself. It sounds frustrating. But… even though it''s frustrating, it''s what it is." Clare paused, glancing at Lila before continuing.


    "So, instead of focusing on the idea that you''re broken, that you''re frustrated with yourself, and that he''ll hate you, and all of the other things you said, focus instead on the fact that Asher cares enough to make sure he''s ready. I''m sure if he rushed into it because you wanted to and you found out later that he wasn''t ready, you''d feel awful. Focus instead on your feelings for him, and how he makes you feel – that he''s worth all this waiting, awkwardness and pain. Trust that he''ll tell you what the hold-up was when he can. As for whether he''s lying about wanting to, I don''t think he is. From an outsider''s perspective, the way he looks at you sometimes is this intense mixture of adoration and desire – even before you were dating, but now it seems like he''s not trying to hide it. Which he was horrible at anyway, by the way."


    A minuscule smile flickered the corners of Lila''s mouth, but she waited patiently for Clare to keep talking.


    "As for Holly… well, your insecurities about her will fade, especially since it''s not like they''re friends and she cheated on him a bunch. I can''t tell you whether he did or didn''t love her, though. You''ll just have to take his word for that, unfortunately. Pet names will come organically too, so I can''t really give you advice on that either besides maybe giving him one first and seeing what he thinks. But, what I can tell you is that your boobs are fine. By all accounts, he liked you before you had boobs too. Now though, he looks at them far too often to have complaints, even in that ugly-ass school uniform."


    "H-He does?"


    "You haven''t noticed?" Clare shook her head in disbelief. "Pay attention to where his eyes drift to and you''ll see. Might make you feel a bit more confident again."


    Lila looked down at what she was wearing – a plain black t-shirt and jeans. Hardly the attire of someone who''d be checked out by their boyfriend. Maybe she should''ve worn something else, but she did want to blend in at the café.


    "He''ll still look," Clare said, as though sensing Lila''s doubt. Lila sighed, leaning her head back against the headrest.


    "Sorry I cried, Clare. Now that I''ve calmed down, it''s all so… stupid."


    "Don''t be sorry. It''s not stupid. You can''t help feeling what you''re feeling. It''s what you do in relation to those feelings that''s really important."


    Lila didn''t respond, instead preferring to look out the window. Eventually, she said, "You… said it hurts. Does it get better?"


    "Of course it gets better. There''s a reason why people get legitimately addicted. Don''t be surprised if you bleed the first time, though. Not every girl feels that it hurts or bleeds the first time, but like I said, it''s pretty common."


    "Will I regret it?"


    Clare gave Lila a brief surprised look. "Where''d that come from?"


    "Well… what if I don''t like it? If it hurts."


    "I can''t answer for you, but even if it does hurt, there''s just this rush that you''ll probably get that makes up for it. Plus, if he focuses on you afterwards, you''ll forget all about the pain. Besides, you said you love him. I don''t think you''d regret it since you love him. You''ll probably just be excited that it''s happened at all, given all your conversations with me about it."


    "I hope so."


    "You''ll be fine. You trust him, don''t you?"


    "More than anything."


    "Then, you can trust that even if it does hurt, he''s not doing it intentionally."


    "… Yeah. Thanks, Clare. That does make me feel better. And… thanks for everything else, too."


    "You''re welcome, Lila. Like I said, you can talk to me about anything. If you''ve got more questions, I''ll answer them. I''ll probably feel awkward about it again if it''s about sex, but I don''t want you to overthink yourself to death."


    "Thanks, sis."


    They were only a minute or so away from Asher''s place now, so Lila didn''t say anything else to Clare. They were a bit later than she''d promised since her freakout caused Clare to park, so she didn''t want to open a new conversation topic and be even later.


    "Well, he looks worried," Clare chuckled, gesturing at Asher as she slowly parked outside his gate. Lila looked up – he definitely did look worried as he approached Clare''s car. She immediately felt guilty for taking so long to calm down and picked at her nails for a moment.


    "Have a good time," Clare said cheerfully, patting the middle console as if to encourage Lila to leave faster. "I''m heading over to Alex''s now to prep him for meeting the fam and all that. How are you getting back home?"


    "I think Gabriel''s dropping us off."


    "Alright. See you later."


    Lila clambered out of the car and pulled her bag out. "See you at dinner."


    She closed her door and watched as Clare sped off. Now that Asher was standing behind her, the feelings she''d expressed in the car were starting to rise in her chest again. She shakily took a deep breath before facing him.


    "I thought something happened to you," he said quietly, taking her bag. "You weren''t answering my texts."


    "Sorry," she replied just as quietly, interlocking her hands together. "We got a bit sidetracked."


    "That''s okay," he replied, his tone now relieved. "I know that sometimes you can''t predict it, but… it''d help with my overthinking if you could let me know you were running late next time. Especially since you''re usually so prompt."


    "Sorry."


    He pulled her into his arms, his scent wrapping around her just as much as his warmth. It was crazy how quickly it soothed her. "It''s okay. Did you want to put this bag in the house or take it with us?"


    "We can take it. We''re running late already."


    "Not too late that I can''t put it down."


    "Is it heavy?"


    "I''ve had worse."


    "Would… you like to put it down?"


    "Nah. I''m fine."


    Lila eyed him for a moment before saying, "Where''s your study stuff?"


    "My- oh. Right. I should bring something in case we''re there for the whole shift."


    "Were you that worried about me that you forgot to bring something?" Lila asked as they began traversing the driveway.


    "… Possibly."


    "Sorry."


    "If you keep saying sorry, I''ll have to think that you did it on purpose."


    He was obviously teasing her, but instead of laughing, she just felt more guilty.


    "Lila, something seems off about you," he said gently as he opened the right front door for them. "Is-"


    "It''s fine. Just. Well. I''ll tell you at breakfast," she replied, unable to take the anxiety out of her voice. Perhaps she''d be able to mask her shiftiness with a discussion of Alice''s predicament. Being a guy, he might have a different perspective to offer that she could tell Alice, too.


    They headed up to his rumpus room, with Lila taking the opportunity to empty out some of her bag and bring only what she needed as Asher disappeared into his bedroom. She decided that she''d be fine with just her laptop and her English notebook for now and piled up her various textbooks and other notebooks onto the coffee table.


    "You certainly came prepared," Asher smiled upon spotting her collection and closing his bedroom door.


    "I figured I should be obedient today," Lila replied curtly, closing her bag. "Otherwise, you''d just give me a disappointed look until it was time to go back to mine."


    He laughed. "Do I give you disappointed looks often?"


    "No, but I don''t aim to disappoint."


    "That''s fair," he grinned. In the next instant, she saw his eyes flicker downwards so quickly that she almost thought she''d imagined it. Was… that what Clare was talking about?


    She felt her cheeks turning pink as she looked away.


    "Did I do something?" Asher asked, crossing over to her and taking her bag in his hand.


    "N-No," Lila stammered, clearing her throat. For some reason, the idea that he had taken a peek made her feel pleased. She kept it to herself, just in case he would deny it. Maybe being a little bit delusional would cure her self-doubt for the moment.


    "Sounds like I did. Whatever it is, I''m either sorry, or you''re welcome."


    "Thanks," she smiled.


    "Consider me still mystified," he remarked, returning her smile as he opened the door out of the rumpus room. She chuckled, which seemed to intensify the joy behind his smile and they headed downstairs and towards the front doors.


    "Oh, good morning, Lila," Gabriel said as he washed his hands in the kitchen sink. "I didn''t see you come in."


    "Good morning, Gabriel," Lila replied, "I didn''t see you either."


    "Well, in that case, you''re forgiven for not saying hello earlier," Gabriel said pleasantly. Then, his facial expression turned gloomy. "Asher said no to breakfast, and I''m to drop the both of you off to your place for dinner. Please tell me you''ll at least eat lunch?"


    Lila and Asher exchanged a look. If they were at ''Beans & Biscuits'' for the entirety of Marlene''s shift, they''d be back at around 1.30pm…


    "A… slightly late lunch," Asher responded tentatively. "Perhaps… 2pm?"


    Gabriel gave a dramatic sniff. "Alright."


    Asher grabbed Lila''s hand and gently pulled her in the direction of the front doors.


    "See you later, Gabriel," Lila said as she followed Asher''s lead.


    "See you both," Gabriel replied morosely before heading into the butler''s pantry.


    Asher punched in the security code and they exited his house without a word. However, once the front doors were closed and locked, Lila spoke.


    "Gabriel seemed really disappointed that we''re hardly eating at yours today."


    "Yeah. He appreciates the company whenever he can get it since it''s rare that he''s here when I''ve got days off school. Sure, there are school holidays, but he''s not here on weekends. So days like this are a bonus for him."


    "I see. That''s sweet. And another explanation as to why he''d own a nightclub."


    Asher chuckled and held her hand again as they began their journey to ''Beans & Biscuits''. It was about 9.30 now, so their stroll was far more leisurely than frantic as was the case when they followed Marlene to work.


    "Still, though, I can''t believe Jason was murdered," Asher said softly after a few paces. "Do you really think Marlene had a part in it?"


    "Well, the first few days after a murder could be pretty telling, right? We can see whether she''s normal, or affected by the news, or just… nervous and antsy. Until I see how she''s acting, I can''t be confident either way."


    Asher pursed his lips. "She was pretty antsy in Vanuatu."


    "I… think I''d give that a bit of a pass, what with how sudden it was and that it was out of your house. It''s hard to get a gauge on her normal behaviour in such an abnormal situation to begin with."


    "Well, now I feel silly for bringing it up."


    She laughed. "I might not be right, you know."


    "Impossible."


    She squeezed his hand. Her breakdown in Clare''s car felt even more unnecessary than when she''d first sobered up. Of course she was important to him, with how he looked at her now, his appreciation for her views, and his gentle touch. How could she have thought otherwise?


    She was sure, too, that if she let Asher in on that small thought – that she felt unimportant, due to a lack of physical intimacy – that he''d despair over it. There wasn''t any particular solution that she could offer him, aside from physical intimacy, beyond what he already did when they were together either – at least, none that she could think of. So what was the point in stressing him out in that respect?


    ''Sorry, Clare, but I won''t be confiding in Asher after all,'' she thought as they neared the shopping street. It was busy enough that it felt like today was the weekend, rather than a mid-week public holiday.


    "Outside again?" Asher asked as they continued their approach towards ''Beans & Biscuits''.


    "Of course. Usual spot, if we can."


    It was the same waitress who greeted them as it had been the previous few times, her beam brighter than the late winter sun bearing down on all those who walked under its light.


    "Where to today?" she asked with a flourish.


    "Outside please, in our usual spot."


    The waitress craned her neck before nodding. "I''ll just need to clear it, but that will be fine."


    Lila chanced a glance at the barista station as they were escorted outside to their table. Marlene was there, her face full of concentration and hands flying across the espresso machine.


    "Just to warn you, as it is a public holiday, there''s just a 15% surcharge," the waitress said chirpily before taking the assortment of plates and cups that were piled on the table.


    "Thanks," Asher replied with a smile.


    They sat down, with Lila facing the window as usual. Marlene was still busily working away – to the point that it didn''t seem like she looked up even once. Which… seemed relatively normal.


    The waitress returned and wiped down the table before setting down and filling some cups of water. She immediately disappeared back into the bustling café without a word.


    Asher carefully slid his phone into Lila''s field of view, the menu already open. She looked up at his hopeful expression before accepting it with a laugh.


    "I get the hint," she smiled, stretching her left hand out to touch his. "You win this round."


    "Yes," he grinned, taking her hand in his.


    "Well, don''t seem too excited about it – I''ll take it back," she teased. He pouted before nudging his phone with his right hand.


    "Order, please," he said far more seriously, "otherwise I''ll get you whatever."


    "Alright, alright."


    She made her order and passed his phone back to him. After tapping it a few times, he set aside his phone and took both her hands in his.


    "So… I know we''re here to keep an eye on things… but I can''t help feeling like I''d rather this just be a date."


    She smiled again. "It''s both."


    "I know, I know. Anything happening?"


    Lila looked through the window, seeing that the spot occupied by the antique dealer – if that''s who he was – was empty. With that, it was a clear shot to see Marlene smacking the bell and sparking the waiters and waitresses into action. The patronage inside the café seemed to be the same as usual, too, though with a few less families – likely due to the Show running in the city, which was the purpose of today''s public holiday.


    "Nothing for now," Lila sighed, looking back at Asher.


    "Good," he grinned. "More time for us."


    They talked a little bit about what subjects they''d be focusing on for study before their drinks were delivered.


    "Another cappuccino," Lila smirked.


    "Indeed," Asher nodded, looking intently at this one. "Art again today."


    Lila peered at his cup. Three coffee beans were once more adorning the top of Asher''s cappuccino and she glanced at Marlene. She was still incredibly busy, so it didn''t seem likely to Lila that she had noticed them arrive, much less single out this cappuccino to put art on it over and above all the other patrons.


    "Oh, you''ve got a cookie today," Asher observed, poking at the cookie sitting next to her hot chocolate.


    "Did you want it?"


    "Nah, got my own."


    She took a sip of the hot chocolate, delighted once more by the decadent flavour, and offered him a sip which he took with enthusiasm.


    "Well, looks like you might convert me to the dark side of ordering hot chocolates," Asher remarked as he licked his lips. "So good."


    They shared a grin before Asher grew serious. "So… you said you''d tell me something at breakfast?"


    A slight panic rose in her chest before she swallowed it back down. The Alice situation – that''s what she was going to tell him. "Like I said yesterday, you can''t tell anyone else about this."


    He nodded solemnly. "Scout''s honour."


    A brief flash of a smile crossed her face. "I was a bit late today since I was asking Clare what she''d do."


    "Alright."


    "… Basically… before practice yesterday, I ran into Alice."


    "Sounds normal so far. I''m still not impressed with her loss of control at that match against St Peters."


    Lila paused. Considering the timeline… Alice would''ve been pregnant by then. Could that have influenced her behaviour?


    "Well… she was in the changing room, and it looked like she''d been crying. At first, I thought she was a customer of the morphine ring. But… Willow came in, and Alice started breaking down. Willow said she had no idea Alice liked Jason that much which just set Alice off entirely." Lila''s eyes flickered to Asher''s rapt ones and she took a deep breath. Truthfully, she wasn''t sure how he''d react to another teen pregnancy, but it was too late to take it back.


    "Alice confessed that Jason got her pregnant."


    "Holy shit."


    "She… freaked out. She''s not sure what to do with the pregnancy, since… well, she found out just before the home match against Mulberry Heights. She wanted to tell Jason in person, after taking a week to process everything, but he was apparently busy then the Police took him. He said he''d talk to her once he got out and… well, he was murdered before she had the chance to ask him what he wanted to do about the baby. She wanted to get an abortion at first, but now she feels like it''d be killing him twice."


    "Jesus."


    "Yeah," Lila uttered lamely. She wasn''t sure what to do with her hands, so she took a sip of her hot chocolate, collecting her thoughts some more. He… didn''t seem to be sensitive to the fact that Lila had mentioned a pregnancy, at least.


    "Damn." Asher''s face turned from incredulity to contemplation as he placed a finger on his chin. "Were they dating?"


    "No. Just having casual hookups, apparently. She thought he was a cocky asshole."


    "Could say that twice."


    "I didn''t want to say that to her when she was mid-crying."


    "She''s clearly well aware," Asher sighed, picking up his cappuccino with a frown. "That''s a… pretty big issue, though."


    "Yeah. I suggested that she should see a counsellor, but she''s worried they''d tell her parents."


    "I mean, she''s over the age of consent, so I''m not sure that they would. If she was underage, then they''d have to I''m pretty sure."


    "I think she''d need more reassurance than ''trust me, I''m pretty sure''."


    "True."


    "So, this morning I basically asked Clare what she would do in that situation."


    "I see. And?"


    "And Clare said she''d probably keep the pregnancy going, and if she couldn''t take care of the baby, let his parents adopt it."


    "That sounds a lot easier in theory than practice, I''m sure."


    Lila sighed. "Yeah, but just before we left for our date, Alice mentioned that she wasn''t sure if she could live with herself if she went through with an abortion since she couldn''t ask Jason if he''d be okay with not having a part of him live on."


    "That''s heavy."


    "The whole thing is heavy."


    Asher took a long sip of his cappuccino, his eyes distant as he did so. Once he put it down, he shook his head. "I hardly knew Jason, but there''s something about leaving behind a child that… sounds pretty apt for him. Kinda like… well, he''s really persistent, even in death."


    "I see what you mean."


    "… It''s not like I''d be able to get pregnant, but I think… with what Alice said, Clare''s opinion might be good to give her. Pregnancy takes a lot out of someone, from what I''ve heard with my Aunt Madeline, and it''s hard work but at least if she can''t take care of the baby, his parents might. I mean, I''m not sure how much care Evelyn can give the baby since, well, she''s in custody, but Morris might be willing and able. The Whitleys, even though they''re divorced, weren''t ever struggling from what I know of them. Which, to be honest, kinda makes the whole morphine ring thing a bit more bizarre, but given that first interview with Jason and his Dad, perhaps they''re used to shady dealings."


    "Clare also mentioned that Alice should tell his parents if she''s keeping the pregnancy since it might give them some comfort. Y''know, that he''s not entirely gone."


    Asher ran his fingers through his hair. "Yeah, she should. I just don''t know how she''d go about it if she doesn''t know their details already."


    "It''s not like Evelyn''s going anywhere."


    Asher gave Lila a sharp look. "Lila, the drug bust hasn''t made the news yet. No one''s supposed to know she''s in custody – not even us, by the fact that your Dad didn''t say she was. The news of Jason''s murder didn''t even say that Jason was expelled – just that he was the former Head Boy at our school. It could be read that he graduated. It''s good advice, but I don''t think you should tell Alice that his Mum is in custody."


    "But… I think this is more important than keeping the fact that Evelyn is involved in the morphine ring a secret. I mean, Alice might want to talk to his parents first in order to make a decision about it all, since she can''t ask Jason what to do. I''ve got to tell her."


    "I hardly doubt prospective grandparents would say to get rid of the baby of their recently-murdered child."


    "Still, she might want to get a feel for who they are beforehand, especially if she ends up giving the baby up to them. And, since Evelyn''s in custody, it''d be easy to talk to her. Well, easier than Morris. He''d need to be contacted through Facebook, and who knows how long it''d take for him to notice a stranger has messaged him."


    "And if Alice asks why you know where Jason''s Mum is?"


    "I''ll just say… I heard it from… Theo or something."


    Asher snorted. "Theo?"


    "Well, Theo''s connected to the ring, but managed to escape from Police notice. So, he might know what happened to that group. Who knows, maybe he''s even visited them since they got expelled. He told me he hung around them ''cause they were interesting. All of this… is pretty interesting. Besides, she might not even ask me why I know."


    Asher met her gaze before sighing. "You''re right. It''s pretty important to tell her."


    "It''s also time-sensitive."


    "That''s true."


    "Asher… if you were Jason… what would you have said?"


    He pursed his lips before taking another long sip of his cappuccino. "If I was Jason and it was a casual fling… I''d probably say she could keep it if she wanted to, but that I''d prefer an abortion. Depending on how casual it was, I might say that I wouldn''t be an active part of the child''s life, either."


    Lila blinked. "That''s… unexpected."


    His eyes flickered to hers. "That''s if I was Jason and it was exceptionally casual. This is also presuming that I''m alive and able to have kids later down the road – which… doesn''t really apply here at all. I doubt Jason knew his time was up, especially if he said he was going to talk to Alice after he got out, so that''s why I think he could''ve said something like that if they''d talked. But… I personally don''t think I''d ever be the type to get into casual flings."


    "A-And if-"


    "The big brekkie?"


    Lila jolted. She hadn''t realised their waitress had approached with their food, what with how absorbed she was in her conversation with Asher. The waitress set it down in front of Asher before putting a plate of bacon and eggs down in front of Lila and bustling back into the café.


    Lila wanted to ask Asher what his view would be on a situation like that which wasn''t casual, but… now that the moment had passed and he was eagerly digging into his food, she thought that perhaps it wouldn''t be the right time. Besides, it wasn''t like she was close to a reality where she might need to make such a decision with him. If she asked… well, it''d just remind her that they still weren''t doing anything of the sort.


    She also knew Asher to be responsible to a fault, so perhaps what he said – especially the part where he wouldn''t be part of the child''s life – was purely from what he knew of Jason rather than his true feelings on the matter if it had happened to him. Although, Asher''s admission that he didn''t think he''d ever be the type to get into casual flings was an interesting one.


    ''It''s hard to know without being in that situation, too,'' Lila thought as she shoved a piece of bacon into her mouth. ''Hypotheticals are all hypothetical, after all.''


    For now, Lila put it out of her mind and instead enjoyed breakfast in Asher''s presence. Given it was mid-August, it was generally chilly however the sun overhead was doing a nice job of gently combating this so that she wasn''t shivering.


    He glanced at her with a faint smile before cutting up bits of his big breakfast and placing it on her plate.


    "I don''t-"


    "C''mon," his eyes crinkled with happiness as he gestured at his offerings, "have some."


    "I feel like you''re trying to fatten me up."


    "If that''s a natural consequence of getting to see how your eyes sparkle when you taste something yummy, then that''s just what it is."


    "So there are ulterior motives."


    "You catch on quick."


    She chuckled, stabbing a piece of sausage that he''d given her and placing it in her mouth. He was right – it was yummy.


    "See, that''s the look!"


    "It''s not like I''m able to see it," she replied, now stabbing a bit of mushroom.


    "Ah, that''s true, but at least I can," he said playfully, cutting up some more of his food and eating it.


    They continued eating with some playful banter. By the time they finished, Lila''s heart felt warm, her smile content and belly full.


    "So, are we sticking around?" Asher eventually asked. She checked the time. It was about 11am.


    "Well, we''re pretty close to the end of her shift," Lila said, pulling her bag onto her thighs. "I think we could stay until then, right?"


    "If that''s what you want."


    Lila was about to respond when it felt as though the sun had disappeared behind the clouds. By the brightness still surrounding them, she knew it hadn''t – but that didn''t make her blood feel any less cold. Her eyes had locked on to a figure so familiar to her that she thought she was dreaming.