<b>42.</b>Chapter 3.
The happiness was ephemeral. Deep down they knew, but instead, they chose to repeatedly erase and turn away from the truth. No one would say it out loud first.
So, they chose to live in a precarious peace that could be shattered at any moment. The memories that were engraved with happiness disappeared, and the beautiful memories became faded illusions.
An illusion of a peaceful life, false happiness, pointless serenity. Everything that had been keeping them together began to crumble.
A small wave breaks a sandcastle, a stone breaks a ss castle, and in the end, all that remains is the shabby truth.
“Have…” a thin voice scattered across the silence. “Have you ever tried to understand me?” a question she’d never asked before. At one point, Erce had considered herself his property and could not ask Harsen for anything, let alone his understanding.
Because he was a knight of the country, the king who reigned the family, an absolute. It was a luxury to ask for such a man’s understanding.
“You never did.”
He wouldn’t know why she was like that then. He wouldn’t even know why he had to understand her. Of course he wouldn’t, because he had never been in a position to be understood, or to understand others.
“When you faced me, all you did was freeze up and try to appease me. My reason for doing those things… have you ever tried to truly understand me?”
Erce burst into tears at his usual silence.
“What am I to you?”
<i>What do I mean to Harsen? Am I just a woman he’s cohabitating with, a possession, or a product of the guilt he created?</i>
“Did it just seem like nothing but grumbling from a woman who had never suffered before? Because I was always happy, always smiling, always understanding?”
The resentment that had built up within her was rushing out in a raging wave. The hatred that she had buried poured out like a heavy shower. Tears were flowing endlessly. The streams of water flowing down her cheeks were burning hot. Erce stared at Harsen, who was still silent.
“For me…”
“…….”
“…you were the only one I could lean on.”
<i>Father, mother, Eshahilde, Caron, none of them. Father was bedridden, Mother was looking after Father, Eshahilde was with His Majesty, and Caron had his family.</i>
They were a family, but they all had their own personal boundaries, which Erce could not intervene in. She really only had Harsen at the time.
<i>‘Please hold me.’</i>
<i>I was afraid that he’d never hold me, so I asked desperately.</i>
<i>‘Think of your body.’</i>
He had gently refused. Only now did Erce understand why he hadn’t held her. He had heard from the doctor about how weak and frail her body had be after giving birth. <i>Did he think that he should not hold me carelessly? But that didn’t matter to me then…</i>
She had always chosen the best.
“I only had you,” she uttered, word by word.
A confession she had never made but he had always understood. He was a knight, so it was his duty to go out to war. He was busy because he had to seed to the title. With all of that, he had to take care of the fief and watch the other knights, so he was responsible for many people.
Yet he would find her, look after her, and spend time with her. So, he had never neglected her. But he just couldn’t focus on her alone.
Erce had understood, so she hadn’tined. It was a political marriage anyway, and he fulfilled his duties towards Erce. He had crowned Eshahilde, became the backbone of Caron, and all the while had maintained the prestige of Visaride.
All of Erce’s wishes hade true by marrying Harsen. So wishing for more would just be greedy. At some point, however, the continued understanding became a wound, and the wound burned, festered, and finally burst.
“I know that you and I are of different genders, have different roles, different living environments, different positions, and different perspectives. And I also know one person can never fully understand another.”
<i>He still isn’t speaking to me.</i>
“I know you don’t fully understand me, just as I do not fully understand you. I know. I know you were busy back then, and that you did enough for me…”
“…….”
“But what should I do if I’m still hurt? What should I do if I still resent you?”
Because understanding doesn’t make the sadness go away.
<i>I shouldn’t have wished for more, but I kept wanting something from him. Is it because I was alone for long?</i>
<i>I wish you love me.</i>
<i>I want to be loved. I want to fall in love. Down the line, I desired his heart. Even though I knew he would never give it away. Even though I knew all I had to do was ask, I couldn’t bring myself to make such a request because of his refusal the other day.</i> <i>If I was rejected any more, I would feel so ashamed that I would crumble.</i>
Erce had suppressed the desire that had sprung up day after day and had stifled her greed.
<i>It will fade away with time. Time will take care of it. I believed so.</i>
<i>But the more I suppressed my desire, stifled my greed, the more something started leaking out, as if there was a hole in the corner of my heart. In the end, nothing but an empty void remained.</i>
She looked at the man in front of her. <i>What are you thinking? I still can’t tell.</i> For a moment, she thought that all of this had been in vain. <i>It’s no use yelling and ming him now for not understanding me.</i>
<i>Too much time has passed to go back to those days and pour out my suppressed emotions.</i> Even now, she could tell that much by looking at Harsen’s motionless eyes.
He would never understand her. She calmed down from her intense emotions. Her emotions, which had previously dominated her, died out, bringing autumn to her heart. <i>This emotional begging won’t work in front of him. Sadly, that’s just how this man is.</i>
“What makes Vicente’s marriage to the Garten’s daughter any different from ours?”
<i>It’s already history.</i> Erce realized that it was no use ming Harsen now. Harsen was her choice, and since the choice was her own, it was a wound she now had to endure. However, their wounds hadsted for too long. It was hard to turn back now.
<i>But Vicente still has a chance. The same mistakes shall not be repeated.</i>
“I’m not saying I did an excellent job. And I know it’s pathetic to say that now. But I don’t wish that for him, as the boy’s mother. I just don’t want Vicente to live like us. I just hope they don’t need to tear each other apart because they are bound together by a sense of obligation. I want him to be with someone he loves–”
“What is it like to live like us?” interrogated the man, who had been quietly watching like an observer. The strangely calm voice froze the surrounding air. The atmosphere changed in an instant, and Erce paused. As if mocking, the man’s lips curled slightly, “To be the best choice for each other?”
“Harsen.”
“The best.”
“…….”
“…<i>best.</i>“
Harsen ruminated on the words she had used for a while, then smiled despondently, “Every time I hear that I feel like I’m being mmed into the mud.”
“…….”
“How easy for you to say.” His voice sounded unfamiliar, different from usual. No anger, no criticism, no sarcasm, just resignation. Just in resignation.
“You, do you know how I feel…”
“…….”
“<i>The best</i>, those words, how many times have I heard…” he chose his usual silence instead ofpleting his words. He closed his eyes, trying to suppress his anger. Beside him, his hand formed a fist, shaking heavily.
Erce couldn’t say anything seeing his disheveled state. She couldn’t fathom the situation.
<i>… Why?</i>
<i>He’s angry, definitely.</i>
<i>He seems angry at the words ‘Best choice’.</i>
<i>I don’t understand what he’s angry about. I think I missed the context of the conversation somewhere, but I can’t figure out where it came from.</i> Confused, she reached out to Harsen. Opening his closed eyes, Harsen blocked Erce’s hand.
“…Harsen.”
The disorganized figure from before was gone, and now there was a man looking at her with cool eyes, as if he had put back his mask. He studied Erce for a moment, and slowly opened his lips,
“Yes. Just like you said. Like us–“
“…….”
“…without love.”
<i>Why does it sound so painful, even though it’s his usual emotionless voice?</i>
“Isn’t that how everyone lives?”
<i>Do they? Do other people also live like Harsen and me?</i> Right now, just looking at Harsen made her heart ache. He pretended not to, but he looked exhausted too.
<i>Being in a rtionship that hurts each other. </i>
<i>I used to believe that other people lived like that too, but now I don’t know. How can they live in such a stifling rtionship?</i>
“I don’t understand why Vicente should be an exception.” Even though the monotonous voice had no power, she somehow felt crushed by it.
Erce replied a little slowly,
“…He’s your child too.”
“So, did Vicente refuse it?”
“That’s…”
Erce was at a loss for words. Of course Vicente hadplied with it. He was the product of his heartless parents.
“He should put love first, you said?” Suddenly, his gaze without a hint of warmth looked familiar and sad. Likewise, a voicecking warmth continued, “Just like you chose me as the best choice for your family, his choice is best for our family, which is why he isn’t saying anything, is he? If he isn’t saying anything, then it’s not your concern. If he’s dissatisfied, tell him toe himself.”
“That child doesn’t know anything because that’s how you raised him.”
“Fifteen is not the age to know nothing. He’s not too young to make a judgment by himself. If he hated it so much, he should’ve defied my will. If he’s a pathetic man who doesn’t have the courage to do even that, I’d be rather disappointed.”
“Harsen.”
“If you didn’t like my ways, why didn’t you raise him using your own methods? You were the one who didn’t want to, but now youe and say this…” Harsen paused for a moment, then ended by saying, “I think we’re done talking, so let’s call it a day.”
Erce pulled her lower lip at his attitude of cutting the conversation with her. She obviously had more to say, but he clearly wanted to hear no more. After finding the reason by himself, he returned to Vicente’s issue and cut her off.
<i>He’s always like that. He’s like a solid wall I can’t break through. Even though he’s angry, he won’t tell me the reason for his anger.</i> Tears welled up from her trembling heart.
<i>Why aren’t you giving me a single word of truth?</i>
<i>Why are you still so difficult?</i>
<i>If it weren’t for this… I could’ve loved you.</i>
Those hard times of the past, when Harsen had sent Erce down to Villene and resigned from the Knights Order, going back and forth between the distant capital and Villene.
He would take care of Erce in Villene, and Vicente in the capital. When the First Prince, whom he supported, ascended to the throne, Harsen decided to resign in a state where he was expected to receive endless glory. But when he had conveyed his intention, all the vassals objected.
<i>Yet, he held on and continued. Only for me.</i> Therefore, Erce couldn’t me Harsenpletely. His asional kindness amidst the cruelty of all this lessened her hatred.
<i>The man who made me like this held me in his arms,forted and sced me. That’s how I could live on.</i> He felt guilty towards her, she resented him.
Erce finally realized that she had been foolish. <i>I should’ve stood up on my own. By leaning on Harsen and relying on him, I couldn’t learn how to survive on my own. I closed my eyes, covered my ears, and pretended to be oblivious of everything. I never questioned his actions. It was highly ignorant of me.</i>
<i>Why did I realize this just now? What possessed me to hold back myself to this extent? What came over me to live a life covered with false happiness within his fence?</i> The final stream flowed down Erce’s cheek.
“I was foolish.”
White flowers fluttered in front of her eyes like butterflies.
“That time… I should have ended things.”
The sound of the wind under the night sky lingered in her ears.
***
Hi, I’m back with the updates. My lovely pseudo-editor leafwateralien13 has retired due to her busy schedule. I’ll really miss our time together. I enjoyed trashing the FL with her, gasping andmenting on every little thing. Badmouthing the author for jumping perspectives. I got so used to her help and now feel lonely knowing nobody will read my frustratedments or be annoyed with me. I missed you and will miss you in the future too T_T
Luckily, another kind soul offered to edit 5 chapters urgently. Bless the <em>pluperfect</em> angel XD
TL;DR: My editor retired hence, there were no updates.
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