<b>50.</b>
Her throat was itchy as if she had swallowed some dust. Erce gloomily watched Harsen as he approached her. She wanted to know if he was angry, but there was no way she could know.
Erce turned her head to the vibration which had transmitted through the bed. Harsen was sitting next to her. <i>I wonder what he’s thinking? Even if I try to find my mistake, there are too many to choose from.</i> Eventually, Erce had to speak up first.
“What’s wrong?”
“Let’s check your foot first.”
Harsen leaned Erce against the bed, dying her answer. Her body was pushed back, so her legs stretched out over the edge.
He carefully dragged her bandaged left foot toward him.
Erce sighed as she watched the bandage on her foot loosen, “I’m better now…”
She pursed her lips and looked down at the dorsum of her foot. Her blue eyes widened a little; instead of redness, there was a pale, purple bruise.<i> I didn’t know I sprained so badly. Looking back, I think I got this when I almost fell over by tripping over the threshold of the carriage.</i>
“But it doesn’t really hurt.”
However, it wasn’t that it was painless, but that the sensation in her foot had long since dulled. Realizing that, Harsen also gently let go. The fact that she didn’t even need to call upon the physician and only had a bruise, it meant that she was okay in general.
When her foot was released, Erce sat down with her legs gathered to the side. And silence.
<i>What’s the matter?</i> Erce carefully began recalling from the start. Then, for the first time, she doubted their ‘reconciliation’. <i>Was what we did today really reconciliation? If not, then did our argument not end in reconciliation and he just moved on? Like he always does. Never saying a word about what happened.</i>
<i>‘I should’ve ended things.’</i>
<i>I should have apologized; not only for using the phrase “best choice”, but also for that.</i>
She remembered the harsh words that had poured out after getting carried away by her emotions. A deep sense of regret came over her. <i>No matter how angry you are, you shouldn’t say things like that recklessly…</i> Erce hesitated as she kept on opening and closing her lips, before finally, gently parting them, “About what happened yesterday… I am sorry.”
“…….”
“I don’t know…why I…said something like that? No matter how emotional I was…um…I shouldn’t have said that… A-are you mad?”
There was no answer despite her chain of words. Because of that, Erce’s eyes drooped down helplessly.
“Well, if it were me, I’d be mad. Using words like that… I was harsh to you. You didn’t say anything wrong. I just felt guilty on my own… Then, I disappeared the next day, doing as I pleased…”
<i>I made you suffer in the middle of the night.</i> She couldn’t dare to add this because of her already increasing guilt.
“I’m sorry.” Erce looked carefully at Harsen. “…I’m really sorry.”
Dropping her gaze on the bed, she repeated her apology. Yet, the silence remained; Erce fiddled with her thick braid. At her fourth or fifth time avoiding eye contact with Harsen, she heard his voice mixed with a sigh. “I also apologize.”
“…….”
“Regardless of whether it was true or not, I’m the one who said something hurtful to you.”
“…….”
“Sorry.”
On hisst two sybles, Erce slowly closed her eyes and opened them wide. She pondered over the words several times as she stared at Harsen with a dazed look. He was rubbing the back of his neck with his head tilted sideways, which made him seem strangely awkward. A smile spread over Erce’s face. “No, I’m more sorry.”
She hugged Harsen’s neck and smiled. It was the first time they had ever exchanged an apology like this after they argued. Her chest was warm, and so was her heart. The hand that habitually wrapped around her back felt even better today. Elevated, Erse spoke as she hugged Harsen’s neck tightly, “I’ll be really good to Vicente from now on. I know that doing this suddenly won’t look good in your eyes, and I know how funny it seems for me to act like a mother now, but I’ll be really, really nice to him. I will never say such things to you again. I was having a really hard time back then… I know that can’t excuse my actions. I shouldn’t have directed my resentment towards that child… I will always feel guilty towards him. But Harsen.”
“…….”
“I don’t want to stop like before. I don’t want to suffer, and I don’t want to rationalize doing nothing for Vicente. I don’t want to regret it. I don’t want to die without doing anything for Vicente. I want to fulfill everything that child wants, that poor child, I want to love him with all my heart this time. So, if Vicente is happy, if he doesn’t think he’s been abandoned by someone like me, I’m satisfied with that. It’s okay if he doesn’t forgive me for the rest of my life. I don’t want that. I just want to live my remaining days for him, paying for the many crimes I havemitted against him.”
Erce unwrapped her arms and faced Harsen. She spoke earnestly to him, “I love that child so much.”
Her blue eyes gently curved and drew a lovely smile; like a flock of birds soaring through the sky, like a bud sprouting on barrennd, like a spring breeze in the winter frost, like the setting of the night and the rising of the sun. He had already seen such a smile before.
A long time ago, it was a smile that she would often make. A strange smile that he thought he would be familiar with. Like a person who didn’t know she could smile like that, Harsen was still unfamiliar with Erce’s smile.
The arm hugging her back slipped away. Without realising that, Harsen continued to stare at Erce, and soon tilted his head to meet the gaze looking back at him.
“Harsen?” Erce was puzzled as she called his name. Perhaps tired, Harsen swept a hand over his face several times. Worried, Erce reached out. But before even reaching his skin, Harsen gently pushed her hand away. “It’s fine.”
Erce looked at her rejected hand, then took it to fiddle with her blonde hair. She felt awkward for no reason. She swept her hair a couple of times, and now small strands began to stick out from her braid.
She spoke as she slowly untied her braided blonde hair, “Also, I’ve been thinking; I’m going to talk to the baroness tomorrow. I think I should start helping with the duchy’s internal affairs from now on.”
She didn’t know how Harsen was looking at her because she was focused on loosening her hair. She found it relieving in a way.
“Of course it was my job, but I unintentionally passed it to the baroness. But I’m still thedy of this house… I don’t think this is right.”
The hand that was loosening her hair slowed down. It was because she did not have the confidence to look up at Harsen after unraveling all that.
“It’s been a while since I‘ve exercised my brain, so it’ll take a while to learn but I’m still going to try. Well… I could make mistakes, but wouldn’t it be alright if I got help from the baroness? That is, if the baroness offers to help.”
Erce untied all the tangled strands, then brushed her hair with her fingers. When she tossed her long, now unbraided hair over her shoulder, her curly blonde hair covered her back. Harsen, who was staring at it, asked, “Just a question about Vicente.”
It was rare for Harsen to ask questions. Erce was baffled because she practically knew nothing about Vicente.
“What…”
“Are you doing all this because of Her Majesty?”
Unable to understand the reason behind the question, Erce remembered Eshahilde.
<i>‘My sister’s funeral… When was it?’</i>
When she calcted the date, it was almost the end of the previous year.<i> Looking at the nuance in his question, it would be correct to assume that my sister had passed away.</i>
<i>Then perhaps… Did he bring it up because he thinks the reason for my sudden attachment to Vicente is because he’s something to rece my dead sister?</i>
Erce urgently denied it with a shocked voice, “It’s not like that!”
“Then?”
“He is our only child,” she said without even realizing it.
But it was strange. When he heard her, Harsen’s expression subtly stiffened.
Erce didn’t understand what that meant. As usual, she thought about moving on without knowing the reason, but for some reason, she didn’t want to this time.
“What…are you thinking?”
For the first time, she brought out a question that she would usually keep in her mind. It was as if she was taking a step into the dark abyss. She couldn’t see an inch ahead, but she kept going. The hem of her dress brushed against the shore, creating shallow waves.
Perhaps unfamiliar with the unusual waves forming inside her, his answer came a littlete. “The fact that you said that…”
“…….”
“…It’s a little strange.” Harsen was having a hard time making eye contact with Erce. And she was rather amazed at how awkward he was.
She once again realized how much Vicente meant to her. <i>Come to think of it, he’s Harsen’s and my child…That’s right…</i>
She curled her toes because she felt ticklish just thinking about it. Her blue eyes wandered aimlessly.
<i>Pfft-</i>
An awkward sound of wind escaped her closed lips. Erce looked at Harsen. She stretched out her arms and gently caressed his cheeks. Their gaze intertwined again. Her toes, hidden behind the hem of her dress, wiggled uncontrobly.
<i>‘I feel ticklish.’</i>
With her toes curled up, Erce stuttered, “Today…are you tired?”
She felt a little shy.
“No.”
“Well…” Her lips drooped slightly. “Um… I don’t have ns for tomorrow.”
“Therefore?” Harsen smirked.
“Even if it’s a little hard and painful… I’m fine with it.”
“I see.”
Erce red at him. It was annoying that he knew yet pretended not to.
“…Forget it.”
She took her hands from his cheeks and was about to sneak into her nket when Harsen held her by her waist. A conspicuous smile spread over Erce’s lips as his arm wrapped tightly around her waist. Erce held his cheek with a smile and kissed him. Her body fell back as he tilted his head and kissed her deeper.
Her brilliant blonde hair spread over the bed. There was no time to feel his gentle touch on her back. Erce looked at the man on top of her and swallowed her saliva; Harsen bent the corner of his lips, forming a crooked smile.
“You can’t back out now.”
The front of the dress was pulled off.
* * *
The sound of chirping birds rang pleasantly, as if they were singing. Erce lifted her upper body. No, she <i>tried </i>to lift it.
“What…”
Her pupils trembled incessantly; she could not move. <i>Why does it hurt so much?</i> In fact, she was struck with pain more intense than ever before, to the extent that she suspected that she might have been beaten all night while sleeping.
<i>It’s been a while since we did it. It’s been a little over a year since I got sick. However, isn’t this body different from then? So why…</i>
“It hurts…”
Tears welled up from the crushing pain and she crouched down. Her small body trembled. Erce decided to call Lianne for now. As she crawled over her bedsheet and wiggled her body, the pain came rushing in. Feeling like she had be a caterpir, she pulled the string as hard as she could.
“Madam?” Lianne, who came in after hearing the bell, was shocked to see her owner lying as if she was dead. “Are you okay?”
Avoiding her eyes, Erce asked Lianne, “Time… What time is it?”
“I think it’s around 12 o’clock.””
“What?!” She asked back in surprise. Twelve o’clock was lunchtime.
“Why didn’t you wake me up?”
“The Lord told me not to wake you up.” Lianne, who unintentionally silenced Erce, approached her. “Ma’am, would you like to have lunch now? I’ll inform the chef–”
Lianne’s eyes suddenly turned cold as she stared at the floor. Not knowing why, Erce who had been looking at her saw her lips be slightly open and stiffened. Lianne calmly lifted the tossed dress off the floor with her index finger and thumb. A thin white dress fluttered before Lianne’s eyes.
“This is…” It was a very shaky voice, unlike Lianne. That dress in Lianne’s hand was the dress that Erce had borrowed from Lianne yesterday to avoid being noticed. The problem was…
“I’ll buy you a new one.”
…It was all tattered.
“I’ll buy you something ten times more expensive,” Erce hurriedly added. She didn’t feel bashful because Lianne’s cynical smile was more frightening. She looked bitter, fiddling with the torn front of the dress.
Erce was embarrassed. <i>Who knew she would be so adamant?</i>
“It was a birthday gift from Beth…”
<i>Of all things, it was a birthday gift… So unlucky.</i>
“I’m very sorry. I’ll get you the same one–”
“No, ma’am. Buy me something ten times more expensive.”
Lianne smiled and folded the dress.
“…Okay.” Erce felt a shiver go down her spine. She didn’t know that a day woulde when she would appreciate Lianne’s snobbish nature. Suddenly, she felt Lianne’s gaze on her.
“Why, what?” Erce inadvertently covered herself with a nket up to half her face, as if protecting herself. Lianne shook her head amusedly and shrugged her shoulders.
“I meant, I’ll bring you an indoor dress.”
“O-okay…”
Lianne came out of the room without looking at Erce. As soon as the bedroom door creaked and closed, Lianne covered her mouth with one hand.
<i>‘Wow…’</i>
She had to try hard to suppress her amazement at the sight that just unfolded before her.
“There’s no woman who wouldn’t be plucked.”
I’d like to thank the Lord, my parents, my non-existentptop, my inmed tailbone, and finally Lane for not making me go through another sex scene.
And hey! We finally hit the 50th mark! This volume was so difficult to trante because of various reasons… Still four more chapters to go *sigh*
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