Several tables with white table cloth formed a U shape at the end of a room that was intended for a much larger purpose. There was seating for about one hundred in a room that could have held at least five hundred. A man wearing the company khakis and yellow shirt stood next to a table with a laptop. He had a name badge of Emotional Intelligence Boosting that Maxi’s glasses identified as a rare item. The badge read: Rick, HUMAN RESOURCES.
When he saw them enter the room with a dazed expression, still mussed up from their raid battle, he smiled, and said, “Come in. Come in. Welcome. It’s time for your annual HR training.”
There was a collective groan from the rest of her Office Pool as they all took seats at the tables. Maxi sat next to Farhad while the others spread out as other teams trickled in from the lone elevator door clearly just as surprised as they were to have their elevators diverted as they were because some of them were decked out for battle. One Office Pool was all in swimsuits as if they were heading for a day at the beach.
Rick instructed people to take their seats, and eventuaally the final Office Pool to approach the U shaped table setup was Taskeshi and the rest of the PI goon squad. He scowled at her as if she was somehow responsible for it. Maxi realized as the PIs were taking the final seats that she had messed up. The Lus3rs being the first in the room sat down every other chair like more people do in a meeting room with more chairs than people. When Maxi sat, there was an opportunity for her to sit in between Farhad and Patti, or she could sit next to him on the other side, leaving an empty seat by her.
Now, one of the only seats left in the room was near the instructor where no one wanted to sit or her. When Takeshi was scouting for a place to sit, she thought. “Please don’t sit by me. Please don’t sit by me.” as if she was in middle school again and a smelly kid had got onto the bus. It was childish, but the only thing worse than HR training was group exercises with sticks in the mud like Takeshi.
To her relief, he took the spot right in the front by the instructor and Joaquin sat next to her. He gave her a friendly enough nod. Despite their rocky introduction to each other, he wasn’t so bad. She breathed out a sigh of relief and Joaquin said, “I don’t don’t smell that bad, do I?”
He checked his armpits.
Maxi chuckled and glanced at Takeshi who was scowling at them. “Hey, anyone know what this is about?” She said to Farhad and Joaquin both.
Joaquin shrugged and said, “I dunno, you started the same day as me.”
“We used to be able to do this from our computers and skip out on most of it by taking a quiz,” Farhad said.
She had her doubts that the computer versions would be any better. Maxi had done HR training before. There was nothing worse than monumentally boring presentations that kept making you click on them to make sure you were paying attention. Maxi wasn’t religious and didn’t believe in a god, but if there was a hell, there would be a special circle of it for the person who invented those trainings. The least they could do is let her play a cell phone game while the training video played in the background, and give her credit for it by taking a quiz.
She looked up at HR Rick, who was a Black man with a scowl on his face that didn’t match the chipper tone he used to greet them. She was beginning to wonder if there was something more going on. For a company that regulated toilet paper usage as a cost saving measure, in person training didn’t seem their style, online was cheaper.
“Can I have your attention, please?” Rick said, and waited for the room to settle. Once all the eyes were on him, he continued. “I’m sure many of you are wondering why we are all here for HR training instead of doing them on our computer. As you know, innovation is one of our core company values, and there’s lots of evidence to support that training is just better in person.”
“One of the bigwigs got caught fucking their secretary,” A burly man said, who looked like he was from the Porter class. “Now we all get in trouble for it.”
He got a couple of laughs, and a pat on the back.
Rick pulled out a revolver that materialized from his hip and put a piece of lead in the middle of the man’s forehead quicker than a gunslinger in a wild west show. The burly man fell over dead, and bled out on the white table cloth a thick red stain.
He had the room’s attention.
Rick looked over the group with dead eyes. “You sorry sacks of shit wouldn''t last a moment in my days. You want your HR training handed to on a platter so you can ignore them and tell all the dick and fart jokes you want. You’ve been ignoring your HR training, so they called me in. You think microagressions are a joke. You tell your transgender bisexual coworker that they don’t look like they used to be a man and you’re liable to find yourself in a heap of trouble when that same coworker is dragging your bloodied body back from the front lines. HR training is not a joke. It will save your life. Am I clear?” Rick yelled.If you discover this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.
The room was silent.
“AM I CLEAR?” He yelled, and the room had a smattering of yeses.
“YES WHAT?” Rick yelled.
“S-sir, sir, sir,” the group said not quite in unison.
“Alright, let’s talk sexual harassment.” Rick said with a regular tone or at least what could be approximated as regular for a man with the panache of a drill sergeant.
The next few hours of Maxi’s life were a version of a private hell that was made so much worse by Rick screaming HR regulations when people weren’t taking it seriously enough for him.
Rick started the training with a poorly acted video going through various types of harassment in the workplace. While it played, he whistled and dragged the body of the person he had shot to a few resurrection rolly chairs in the back of the room. When people got out of line or were paying attention to their phone over what’s on the screen, he’d shot them and drag their bodies back to the chair when he got a chance.
Maxi couldn’t believe it, but she almost wanted the training that would keep your attention by forcing you to click on something every couple minutes. At least then she’d only lose a few minutes. Her guess was that each person who spent the day regenerating would have to do the training again and Rick wouldn’t “baby them” as he claimed several times through the training.
The rest of the day dragged, and she had almost fallen asleep on more than one occasion if Farhad hadn’t kicked her in the leg under the table. Luckily, Rick didn’t punish people who seemed to be taking notes. So she was able to get most of her sarcasm out by writing on one of the pads that was provided and Fahard would write his response on his pad. It was a trick she had learned in college to look studious and chat with her neighbor during class.
They mostly made fun of the videos and talked about registering their technique for beating the raid boss when the training was done. If she wanted to reap the rewards of her tactic and share in the profits of the raid, she could earn a little bit of every teams rewards if they used her strategy for defeating the protestors. Maxi thought about filing the paperwork on her phone but didn’t want to spend the day in a resurrection chair.
Despite her conversation with Farhad via notepads, she was still bored out of her mind. When they got to the role playing part of the training, Maxi almost couldn’t take it anymore.
Maxi, Farhad, and Takeshi were at the front of the class reading a script.
“You have a cute looking bottom,” Farhad said in a wooden voice. “Do you work out?”
“That’s harassment,” Maxi said in the same monotone delivery. “And I don’t have to take it! Who writes this stuff!”
“Just talk to the supervisor,” Rick said.
“Supervisor,” Maxi directed towards Takeshi. “My co-worker has harassed me.”
“Maybe we can talk about it over a date on Saturday night,” Takeshi said, squirming as he did.
“That’s quid-pro-quo, another form of harassment,” Maxi said and then added. “Who really talks like this!”
“I know the content may not be to your specifications, growing up in a world where every person on social media is a celebrity, but it’s important information and if the company didn’t think so, they wouldn’t pay for it, because I ain’t cheap. Now continue the role play.”
“No,” Takeshi said and threw his script down. “This is a waste of our time. We are here bullshiting in this room when we could be out fighting monsters.”
For once Maxi was in agreement with Takeshi. Rick scowled and marched towards Takeshi. The HR man was massive compared to the PI. Despite the size difference, they locked gazes. There was a tense moment where Maxi wasn’t sure if Rick would go for his gun and the PI his sword.
“I suppose you think you know everything,” Rick said in a low growl. “And you won’t inadvertently harass anyone when you show your Office Pool the dick pics you took last night.”
The trainer paused.
“Alright,” he said in a lighter tone. “Let’s take the quiz then.”
Maxi could see the psychic energy Takeshi built up dissipate.
Rick told them all to take their seats, and he passed out pencils and sheets of paper stapled together. Maxi couldn’t escape the feeling of dread. She was in school again except with a trigger happy teacher. She was never good at taking tests. Her mind wandered too much. The questions and answers were as plain as day but a million other thoughts would intrude on her mind, making it hard to concentrate.
She thought about Von Patrick and what she may have learned from him if she didn’t fail the goal. Worrying about her mom even though the woman could easily handle anything that came her way. Wondering about her uncle. Her father’s files still lingered in the back of her mind. Sitting in between Joaquin and Farhad, and wondering what it would be like if she…
Everything was roiling in her head while the test questions felt barely understandable. She’d read a question and then have to go through it several times just to decipher its meaning. Then, despite the answers being laughable and obvious, she’d force herself to concentrate just to get the right one.
She was only halfway through when the first test taker jumped from their seat and ran their paper over to Rick who was typing on his laptop at the front of the room. Rick pulled out a pair of reading glasses and licked his digit before thumbing through the test. He made “hmm” noises while he looked through the test.
After what felt like a long time where Maxi couldn’t do anything but watch, Rick said, “You got one wrong. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
He shot the man in the head, and whistled a tune while he dragged the man towards one of the resurrection chairs.