“I don’t like trains. They make me dizzy.”
“Yet your sitting in one right now, Mr. SS Officer.”
“… Planes are too loud.”
“What is the matter with you?”
It was the middle of the Second World War. Germany has pushed their major offensives across the European continent in order to acquire more land and influence from the Allied Forces of British, American, Soviet, and other assisting nations. However, the German Werhmacht had come across various obstacles and hiccups in their multiple operations in key points such as Norway, the borders of France, and their assault with Fascist Italian Soldiers.
Operation Chastise. The No. 617 Squadron of the Royal Air Force has launched a daring bombing raid in the areas of Mohne and Edersee, Germany, right behind enemy lines. The idea was to throw the newly developed ‘bouncing bombs’ to into a German-owned Dam system. With the capabilities of the depth charges being ‘bounced’ over the water surface at a fixed time and velocity like that of a jumping pebble in a lake, the attack was able to bypass torpedoe-netting and most anti-air security to destroy the German Dam. This caused major internal damages in the German territories with major flooding, and the loss of major source of power production. This would buy time for the Allies to regroup and prepare for another major offensive.
"Huff. Ever since that incident, the moisture level around this area has increases. Even my finger tips are starting to prune as if I had too many showers."
"...Fraulein Tea Cup. Didn''t you have a shower in the morning, a shower in the afternoon, a bath before we set out for this mission by train?"
"I-it''s a ritual! Cough. F-for good f-fortune. Th-the Holy Tr-Trinity."
"........... Of course."
"D-don''t give me that look of pity! Do I look like a sick puppy lying across the road alone!?"
At the same time, it caused issues in Fatherland of Germany. The never ending flow of stored water fell uncontrollably, so many major roads and transports were blocked by flooding. The only way for most German forces or civilians to cross this new ‘nile’ in their Fatherland, was riding onboard old trains that were located in remote areas. When it meant old trains, this means ‘trains who should have been left alone for a very damn good reason’.
In one of those old clunkers, there was a particular pair of characters who were fighting behind enemy lines. One was a German Officer, wearing the all black uniform of the Waffen-SS. Since no one from his organization was present, he had stripped off the red arm band carrying the symbol he dislikes. Accompanying him, was a girl wearing the habit only nuns should wear. Maybe due to the blue pastel decorations painted across the skirt and sleeve, the attire made her look like a walking tea cup born from Copenhagen (but she was from Switzerland).
“Mr. SS-Officer. I believe you just signed our death warrants the moment we boarded this obsolete train. I feel like the last official inspection anyone has made for the integrity of this transport was in 1908!!”
“Don’t underestimate the German technology, Frau Tea Cup. Unlike most nations and their standards of mass production, we always aim for the highest quality product with a long and reliable lifespan. Why do you think the Volkswagon brand is so popular? Even the British and the Americans were so proud to import it into their country before the war broke out.”
“You’re just denying the fact that this piece of cr*p train could crumble into Martian Dust if one passenger were to sneeze the wrong way.”
“I will confess to you, Fraulein of the Swiss Church, that I hate the smell that’s in the leather. As a member of the Technical Hygiene Department of the Waffen-SS, I cannot abide to this standard regardless of the reason. If the owner of this station was still present, I would have no qualm filing a complaint letter for him.”
“I’m sure the one manager who used to ran the once empty train station would be rolling around in his coffin to hide from you. You do realize it was last choice for the German military to re-open these run down stations.”Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.
“Of course, I was one of the members who approved its re-opening after I conducted a full hygiene investigation. At least someone cleans their bathroom even better than most hotels in Berlin.”
“Is that the reason why we’re on this iron death trap that won’t stop raping itself with rusted rods!?"
“Jawohl. I saw this as a perfect opportunity to slip behind my own German Security to reach one of the camps in Poland. With the flooding from the Mohne and Edersee Dam, this is a great chance to free the Polish Prisoner of Wars as their Schtalag camps are being overruned by mud and rats. With the current situations there, we could surely rescue all 320 prisoners and have the Allies retrieve them from the enemy lines. Yes, I can see the entirety of the Waffen-SS infrastructure crumbling from this very idea! Wunderbar!”
It was in this very moment, it felt appropriate for the China Cup to put on a small frown. It made her look adorable more than lethal, but the look of blazing coal ready to be dumped on someone''s head said otherwise. Possibly it was because of her short stature, her expression of negative emotions didn''t have the same impact as that of a hungry lion staring at your face.
“I’m just a clerk from a small chapel in Switzerland, not a member of the American Navy! I don’t have advanced diving skills! And I highly doubt you''re a secret operative from the German Kreigsmarine. How do you expect an SS officer and a holy secretary clerk to deal with a brigade of German guards with MP40s!?”
"Tritt ihm ohne Zogern einfach in den Arsch!"
"Saying ''don''t ask questions, kick their ass'' in German Pride will not keep bullets or Rottweillers from biting us! You''re not listening to meeeeee!"
The train was old enough to be mistaken as the grandfather of all trains. Its stage of function and decomposition would be enough to ask the engineers to send it to an elderly train care home for long term surveillance. It was not at all suitable to carry a full load of military supplies, ammunition, and German troopers and civilians. In fact, with how bad the flooding was it was just a terrible idea to be mobilizing at all.
Yet a certain rebel SS-Officer decided to be the first to buy the tickets for himself and his partner, regardless of her objections. And since he had foreknowledge of this desolate train re-opening, to full service, he thought he could acquire seats in the most suitable compartment… However… uh.
“Gyaaah! Wh-what the h*ll is that thing rotting in the corner of our cabin!? I-is it moving!? Quick, you have a Luger! Shoot it! Shoot it!”
“Fraulein. As much as I am a member of the Waffen-SS who always picture themselves as gun-toting bastards ready to shoot their own men at the drop of a black hat, I’m not that kind of person. And it’s not an animal that died there, but a brick that an animal left behind. They say it''s perfect for fertilizers on the farm. Fortunately, after many years it''s turned into a rock so there''s no smell. Guut.”
“………………………………………………. Why the h*ll did you choose this train box again?”
“Honestly, when I was a young boy, I’ve always wanted to see what was the First Class compartment on a train. I guess, I’m sort of fulfilling that childhood wish.”
“THIS IS FIRST CLASS!?....... No. That''s it. I''m getting off this train. Move your feet!”
“Fra-Fraulein. This train is moving at a maxium 99 miles per hour (160 km/hr). Y-you’ll be torn to shreds the second you try and put so much as a pinky toe out of the door!”
“I DON''T GIVE A DAMN! I’M JUMPING RIGHT NOW! SO, OUT WEINERSTAIN!”
“IT’S AUF WIEDERSEHEN YOU SWISS DUMMKOFF! GET BACK IN YOUR SEAT OR YOU''LL CAUSE A TRAGEDY!”
“NEVER! MY SEAT IS STAINED IN STICKY WHITE STUFF! I DON''T WANT TO SIT ON THE SAME SPOT THAT SMELLS LIKE ROMEO AND JULIET CONSUMATED THEIR MARRIAGE BEFORE THEIR WEDDING!!”
There had been a small issue onboard the old train, but it was swiftly dealt with. Maybe due to the sudden re-opening of the train services in the forgotten stations (closed after 1918) there either wasn’t enough time to call back or hire staff workers to serve those onboard the train, or there was just no funding available. So, a certain Officer of the Waffen-SS could be seen persuading a raging girl in a nun habit from commiting suicide on a running train. A simple tackle looked efficient.
“Please calm down. This train is old, but has been hailed as the fastest. We will be in Polad within the hour... Here, have some schnapps. This should calm your mind.”
“Is the cup sterile? The black mold in this First Class Cabin is conflicting with my mind. I-I feel like the armies of infection are invading my body like how your army Blitzkrieg France in the first place!”
“That is a terrible joke! Apologize to the people who suffered under my idiot army’s oppression. No schnapps for you!”
“N-no! Please, I-I need something more than rosary beads to calm me doooooown!”
Again, the small problem had been solved. It was all thanks to the creation of schnapps, a local German alcoholic spirit with a fruity punch. It’s very popular, and considered a ritual for most German Officers to carry a small bottle on their person. The life of an army declaring war against all nations wasn’t easy.
“…Why does it taste like pineapple?”
“It’s Strawberry actually. I bought this bottle straight from Japan Exports. The Imperials there surprisingly make very good spirits.”
“... I want more."
“Nein. The look in your eyes is telling me you''re stepping onto the dark path of all drinkers. I have to cut you off before you tread down the spiral of depression!"
There was a small scuffle in the ‘first class’ compartment, but again it was quickly diverted. If anyone else was in the same small room, they would have mistaken it as a white tiger resembling a china cup assaulting an officer of the notorious Waffen-SS. But of course that didn’t happen, historically speaking. Cough.