Im not very good at giving praise, Gu Yan said abruptly.


    The timbre of his voice was low and deep, and subtly husky.


    It was clearly Yan Suizhis recollections, yet he seemed to have walked through them with him.


    The twenty-year-old Yan Suizhi in his memory seemed to turn a bit shorter, his countenance more boyish, his buildnky, one unique to youths in midst of their growth spurts. He stood outside of the crowd, gentle and alone.


    Mm? Yan Suizhi responded.


    Im not very good at giving praise, but in the future, when you run into or do anything, no matter how interesting or uninteresting, kind-intentioned or disturbing, you can tell me. Gu Yans voice was low and unhurried. Id like to hear it.


    That voice even caused a faint tremor to run through Yan Suizhis body, the aching and tender sensation surging like a tide and brimming over.


    It was an unforgettable sensation, making one crave for more; that was what Yan Suizhi wholly felt around Gu Yan.


    The way Gu Yan was now was impossible for people to rejectat least,hecouldnt, and it even stirred an impulse in him to reciprocate in kind.


    Yan Suizhi suddenly released a soft sigh, his body slowly rxing.


    For a moment, he shut his eyes, feeling as though he had returned to himself from over twenty years ago, when he was still living in his childhood home, the days unhurriedly passing him by. Henguidly leaned against the windowsill, and as he sketched, he said half-genuinely to someone in the room, In thest couple of days, I ran into a bit of trouble


    It was bizarre. In this brief fantasy, the person listening to hisints in the room was Gu Yan.


    Yet, he didnt find anything off about that.


    In the distance, a car sped by on the hover road, its headlights washing the room in luminance, only to abruptly fade away again.


    Gu Yan felt the chin pressing against his shoulder move, as though in a slight nod. Thereafter, Yan Suizhi hummed in assent.


    Another momentter, as if in testament to this response, Yan Suizhi spoke, I know that youre very curious about that medical case. Actually, you dont have to tread so carefully. It isnt something that cannot be brought up. I just dont know where to begin.


    Before, Gu Yan was still somewhat unaware of the back story, but after hearing Yan Suizhi talk about the reason behind his parents passing, he suddenly glimpsed the surface.


    Yan Suizhis parents had died because of gene surgery, and that case was associated with gene surgery as well.


    Gu Yan said quietly, That defendant


    His tone carried slight hesitance, but Yan Suizhi took over, uttering a soft ah, like he had finally found a ce to start. That defendant, my client, Bill Lu he was involved in my parents surgery.


    That was the irony in life, sometimes. He took over a decade to suppress the doubts in his heart to carry out his parentsst wishes.


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    He hoped that the defendant would be put behind bars. He hoped that the man would experience what all of his victims had suffered, that the man would find out what it felt like to walk alone and empty for ten years. He hoped that life would be taken to rpense a life.


    He even wanted to travel to the cemetery on Hn to tell those whoy there slumbering, You see, my suspicions back then werent ungrounded. Shouldnt you get up and apologise for lecturing me on a whole bunch of drivel? Even if its a decade toote, thats fine. Im a forgiving man; Ill take it.


    It was a pity that they couldnt actually hear him, nor could they fulfil his wishes for them to get up and pull him into an embrace, smiling as they apologised.


    In the first few days that I received the case, I could barely settle down to study the case file, Yan Suizhiughed softly in self-derision. That was probably the one time that I was the least calm and collected. Later, I was finally able to process some information, only to find that there were holes in the prosecutions evidence.


    Very subtle details that, mayhaps in a carelessly tried case, would have been missed by all.


    But he saw them. And once he did, he couldnt ignore them.


    Everyone following the case, including himself, believed that Bill Lu was guilty.


    But the holes existed. Even if the holes were due to oversights on the part of the prosecution, it implied that there was a one in a million chance that Bill Lu was not guilty.


    And as long as there existed this possibilityhe, as a defencewyer, should defend him.


    During those days, Yan Suizhi shut himself in his bedroom, sitting in darkness for a long time.


    I actually had many vicious thoughts. I could deliberately ignore those holes, even using verbal traps to ensure that no one else would find them, or go around in circles in court, and induce witnesses to unwittingly give false testimony, filling in those holes. If I wanted to, there were actually many ways for me to nail the defendant to the dock. Yan Suizhi paused, and he smiled vaguely again, saying in a low voice, Isnt that disturbing? In fact, Im already embellishing it significantly. Im finding that even if I am being honest with you, Im unable to tell you the more sinister side of it.


    My head was almost always churning at that time, hatching countless ns. But Yan Suizhi softly sighed.


    Gu Yan could feel the corners of his lips tugging, as though still trying to hold onto normalcy, to say the words unaffected, even with the touch of a smile. But his lips slowly ttened back down. That shouldnt be what they want to see


    You see? Im hopeless when ites to my parents. Its clearly been more than a decade, yet I still dont want them to see this


    He suddenly quietened again, and after a prolonged silence, huffed inughter, whispering, Just as if they can still see me.


    He actually never believed himself to be a good person.


    However, in that fleeting yet forever-long decade, he attempted to live in ordance with his parents wishes, not to overstep, not to wallow on the meaningless. He funded welfare institutions and orphanages, helped those he could, upholding some justice that was perhaps of no consequence.


    Then, he suddenly discovered that, unwittingly, all of these were already etched in his flesh and blood.


    This was probably what his parents had left him, and what he could never shed in this lifetime.


    After secluding myself in my house for three days, I finally decided to make a not guilty plea, Yan Suizhi said.


    He made the decision, yet it didnt bring him joy.


    Because he would be sending Bill Lu out of the courthouse.


    At that time, I was having some unusual thoughts, not wanting myself to live too happily, hoping that people would tell me off. Take it as venting vicariously. Yan Suizhi chortled again. I cant pinpoint what kind of psychology that was.


    So, his attitude then was especially brusque, saying all sorts of contemptible words to the public, blunt and sharp, like an arrogant pettifogger who only cared about money and the oue, disregarding justice.


    Afterwards, as he wished, at his lowest, almost everyone was denouncing him, heaping verbal punishments on him, even including instances of deliberate injury.


    It was unbearable to imagine that past.


    Gu Yan didnt wish him to recall it in detail, either.


    I came across an unpublished article that stated you went to the trial when Bill Lu was charged again. Gu Yan diverted the subject in a low voice.


    Yan Suizhi, Mm.


    Bill Lu waster implicated in another case. By that time, Yan Suizhi had been investigating him for a while, and sent an anonymous tip to the police.


    This time, the scale of the case was bigger and the evidence was moreplete.


    During that period, I looked into many things involving him, but was unfortunately still unable to find direct evidence linking him to my parents deaths. But the verdict of that case wasnt bad. A life for a life. To the intiff, it could be viewed as an eptable oue, Yan Suizhi said.


    That day, he went alone, entered silently once trialmenced, sat in thest row, listened to each charge hold ground, and then left, also in silence.


    That was the day of his twenty-seventh birthday.


    He could still remember the birthdays of his adolescence, when that beautiful and gentledy carried a dynamic camera into the yard, teasing him with a radiant smile on her face, the hibiscus branch he was painting swaying softly in the breeze. It was as vivid as if it had happened mere moments ago.


    However, he had walked alone for twelve years.


    Twelve years seemed short, over in the blink of an eye.


    Yet, at times, it also seemed exceptionally long.


    I would sometimes wonder how great it would be if only I had found more evidence. Maybe my parents wouldve been able to rest in peace from that trial, too. Yan Suizhi was quiet for a moment before saying, But thats actually a facy as well, because the defendant paid a life for a life. The rest was, in truth, for me. They had been long dormant under the gravestone, so how could they have seen this?


    It suddenly dawned on Gu Yan why Yan Suizhi was always washing his hands.


    It was simr to the time that he was the most depressed, deliberately inciting peoples rage.


    He had been on his own for too many years and was used to shouldering every problem himself. When the situation was less than satisfactory, he would feel self-loathing; he would be the first before anyone else to nail himself to the dock, using and sentencing himself.


    But no matter what sentence he bore, he would always stand with his back straight, for the road was still long. He still had to keep walking it alone for very, very long


    The room was nketed in silence. After considerable time, Yan Suizhi heard Gu Yan say, sounding stifled, At least I can see it.


    He was briefly startled. He pulled back slightly and saw Gu Yans eyes misted with a bright sheen under the dim light of night, gazing deeply at him.


    Then, he felt his hands being held. The vestiges of water from the earlier washing had since vanished, and his hands, despite also being dyed with the warmth of Gu Yans body, were still colder than Gu Yans palms.


    He saw Gu Yan lower hisshes, bowing his head slightly to kiss his index finger


    After that, his middle finger, his ring finger, and his little finger


    Gu Yan kissed them one by one, and with each touch, Yan Suizhis heart would abruptly softenby the end, softening into mush.


    He crooked a finger, telling Gu Yan, Lift your head.


    Yan Suizhi leaned in to kiss his chin; after that, the corner of his lips, and finally, pressing a kiss to his lips.


    The night was gentle and deep, and time glided by like water.


    The birthday blessings from days bygone echoed in his head for the umpteenth time:We hope that you will remain forever carefree, that you will never have to endure any suffering, that you wont have to hurry to grow up, that you wont have to understand thoseplicated and contradictory things, nor make any vexing choices


    With his eyes shut, Yan Suizhi kissed Gu Yan, and after twenty-eight years, was finally able to give a response:


    Im sorry. Of those that youve hoped for, I dont seem to have been able toplete even one. Fortunately, I was lucky enough to meet someone.


    So, dont worry. Well live well.