Back in the carriage once more, and we''re just sitting here doing nothing, not talking, not staring out the window. I''m trying my hardest to sit up straight and not fall straight forward onto her, a while of this led her to eventually do something instead of just sitting there looking at me. She got up from her side of the carriage and sat down next to me.


    We were both sitting there awkwardly until she finally said something.


    "Are you going to lean on my shoulder or continue straining yourself trying to sit upright?"


    I didn''t know that was why she moved over here. I thought we were about to have some sort of extremely secret conversation that, I don''t know, couldn''t be said across the carriage. Maybe she was handing me something in secret as congratulations for defeating the eikmar, I don''t really know.


    I sat there awkwardly, I know she just asked me to lean on her shoulder but I''m not sure if I can actually do it. This is Alena Karamazov after all, I can''t just lean on her shoulder, someone would find out and kill me for it. Maybe this was a test and she would kill me for it, the Alena that I knew would constantly test people to see if they could be trusted, to see what kind of person they really were, so this could easily be one of those.


    We sat there again for a bit not saying anything, I was still struggling to keep myself upright and she was just sitting there not saying a word, though I could tell she was glancing at me. This must be some sort of test, I''ve confirmed it now. I was close to giving up though, as the pain came back after a relentless effort to stop myself from falling forward onto a now-moved Alena. She spoke up again.


    "I''m not testing you, I''m staring at you wondering whether you''re going to harm yourself before just leaning on my damn shoulder."


    I slowly lowered myself to my right down onto her shoulder. A shock shot through my body the moment my head made contact with her shoulder, and even while I was sort of leaning on her I was still refusing to put the full weight of my head on her shoulder. I was still shaking and she clearly noticed, so eventually she took her right hand and pushed my head fully onto her shoulder before speaking again.


    "There, now will you stop moving?"


    I was leaning on Alena Karamazov''s shoulder. Some random orphan who happened to end up at the house of someone who is close to her is now leaning on her shoulder, undeservedly, and she isn''t even doing anything. She isn''t making some comment about the eikmar, or talking to me about the teacher or Koyo, or telling me some sort of story, she''s just sitting there with me, letting me lie on her shoulder without any sort of catch, any sort of lesson that she''s trying to teach me.


    What did I do? I know the eikmar thing was impressive but I thought maybe I''d get some sort of weapon, maybe she''d teach me some new technique or tell me more about my powers. In a dream scenario, far beyond what I would even expect maybe she''d take me away from the house I''m in, take me to wherever she stays, and then she would become my teacher instead of the person that I''m stuck with.


    Why would she do this? Has she ever done this for anyone? Has this kind of thing happened before? I don''t think she''s taken lots of kids on carriage rides so she can teach them a lesson by acting like she''s going to let an eikmar lethally headbutt them.


    I was sitting there, still trying to understand what was going on and she was sitting there not saying a thing but it was for a different reason, she was doing this on purpose. She wasn''t frozen in thought, she just made a choice to let me lean on her shoulder and I was the only one who didn''t understand whatever was going on.


    I could feel my face burning up and I started shaking again, I was afraid that something was going to happen to ruin this, or that I had already ruined it. She spoke once more.


    "If you don''t lose the blush I will just shove you onto the other side of the carriage and let you hurt yourself."


    "It''s hard not to-"


    "I am more than twice your age, if you did this to any other woman older than you you''d find yourself in an unfortunate situation for a teenage boy."


    "What? Are you saying I would be in a relationship with an old hag?"


    "Are you calling me an old hag?"


    "No- I- you said- any other woman."


    "You''re forgiven, however, you do need to lose the blush, you''re going to make me uncomfortable during a favor I''m giving you for your feat."


    "So you are doing this because of the eikmar?"If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.


    "Well, it''d certainly be rough to watch you battle your own body just to sit up straight after facing a beast that I led straight to you."


    "Are you saying this is your fault?"


    "No. Do not jump to conclusions, if you hadn''t just proved yourself to be extraordinarily capable I would be contemplating the consequences of chopping off your head currently."


    "I''m sorry."


    "You''re forgiven again. While we''re sitting here why don''t we talk about what you''re going to do when we get back."


    I let out a sigh that was far too loud and had to quickly follow it up with some sort of clarification.


    "Do we have to? I think nearly getting killed by the eikmar is better than talking about the two people I nearly got killed just to avoid."


    "I will not be taking you away from them, and frankly you''ll end up worse off if you don''t confront them about whatever it is you are so upset about."


    "If you''re actually close to my teacher then you must know what I''m upset about."


    I couldn''t see her face, but I knew she was coming up with a response as we sat silently after my remark, she didn''t take too long though.


    "I believe that you know what you want to do, and that there is some other factor preventing you from doing that. Perhaps you believe in the idea that you shouldn''t trust your first instincts. While that concept does not seem like one that you would support, in the case that this is said reason, often in a world of lies you will find that your first instinct is the one you should trust. Any further questioning would only leave you susceptible to the falsehoods and deceit present wherever you go."


    "My first instinct has constantly been proven wrong. I''ve fought him with instinct and received nothing but beatings, I''ve tried to argue with the teacher and ended up with some sort of lecture, even my first instinct to cut down a tree led to me nearly getting crushed, and crushing that bastard in the process."


    "The tree that you cut down led to you understanding what you do now, that ''mistake'' is what will undoubtedly lead you down the right path, is it not?"


    That''s a good point. If I didn''t nearly crush the both of us, who knows how long I''d be waiting until I found out? She spoke before I had the chance to.


    "Your first instinct was undoubtedly to leave it all behind, and I cannot claim that I would not do the same thing. With people like them, you aren''t free to hand out second chances, you''re only risking never having the chance yourself to escape the prison that they try to put you in. They tell you lies and they justify their own actions without reprieve, they will undoubtedly let the world burn before telling the whole truth, about themselves, about their actions, if you asked them what the weather was on a sunny day they''d tell you it''s raining."


    She was looking straight at the other side of the carriage while telling me this. The seat, the wall, the floor, even the part of the window on that side all blended together.


    "You can certainly survive on your own, you''ve proven that just now. When he wrote me asking for me to reign you in I knew that you had found out something that would entail your departure, but I would never think it plausible that you could simply walk away and survive the following years alone. I planned to lend you some inspiration so you would find the strength to make that choice, but you drove a wedge straight through that, didn''t you?"


    "Were you always going to help me?"


    "Oh, there was never a doubt. If he was complaining about a child to me then I knew I had to do everything I could without any unnecessary conflict to snatch the child from his grasp. His influence is likely the worst that this world can offer, and that statement will remain true even if we explore every crevice of this plane. You have that ability though, and so now I must try my best to convince you that escape is the only option which leaves you with a life left for you to live."


    "What if there''s a reason? Everyone hides things. I hide things, should they throw me into the countryside because I don''t tell them the whole truth."


    "Everyone has a reason, a justification for their own actions. Even if they don''t have one in the moment they will in due time, because the person who we are meant to understand most is nobody but ourselves, and it is a hard truth to confront that we may be the individual who we know the least. We will pretend to understand the truth behind our actions even if we do not because it is far more frightening to understand that we understand nothing than to convince yourself of a lie that unburdens you from that truth."


    "I do things that I don''t understand, so why is it hard for an adult? Aren''t you supposed to get smarter as you get older?"


    "Comparisons of children and adults have always been viewed in that light. We are meant to believe that there is inherent superiority in regard to a disparity in age, and perhaps this is true, but if it is we have undoubtedly misjudged that superiority. We set the line too soon, and forced the happy to embrace the inevitable sadness of the world, we asked them to understand the truth in its entirety and were given only what we asked for, a collection of individuals who had the truth and could not do anything useful with it."


    She positioned my head on the cushion behind me and moved over to the other side of the carriage right in front of me.


    "We were falsely led into believing that understanding is an equivalent to happiness and fulfillment, and at the end of this enlightenment, all we were left with was information and a plague to our minds preventing the advantages of our childlike innocence from surfacing ever again. We are no longer able to make the right choices, we are no longer able to see the world as it truly is."


    She looked at the window instead of at me before delivering her next line.


    "The most despicable lie ever told is that you should look forward to adulthood. The old and bitter would sacrifice the futures of others rather than suffer in solitude, presuming solidarity as their only chance at the happiness they once felt."


    She looked back at me.


    "The lesson most repeated to me as an adolescent was that I should never trust my first instinct, and that instead I should analyze every situation intensely before coming to a decision. I was taught to associate haste with failure, to never trust the purest representation of my actual thoughts and instead use a system devised by a rotting corpse. Erik,"


    She briefly paused before continuing.


    "Do you understand what you must do?"


    I nodded my head, and we sat in silence for the rest of the ride back to the cottage.