I stared at the empty canvas at the top of my room while holding the keychain that was given by someone dear to me.
Koto-chan, why am I still making manga? I should’ve given up years ago!
Memories of our last conversation resurfaced.
Oh right… That’s the least that I can do for letting you die… I… I just can’t take this anymore! Chizuru-chan’s probably gonna leave me for being a mangaka… After all, making manga only causes people to leave you and make your life miserable… I should probably just stick to being a reader… Why did I even become one? I guess I have to admit that it is fun. Well, I still have to honor Koto-chan’s last words so it’s not like I can stop…
Chizuru-chan on the other hand… I’m sorry for being cringe, you’re probably going to leave me after figuring it out and I know that I have to accept that facts but why can’t my heart take it? Why do I feel like I’ll lose everything? I can’t bear the thought of not having her by my side! I… I can’t take this anymore! I have nothing else to run to. I feel so stuck like this will never go away. If I could only back in time, if I hadn’t messed up and given her my notebook, or maybe I could’ve defended Koto-chan! Why do I have to be a coward!? Why do I have to be like this? Why do I have to be me?
My body lifelessly lay on the bed as I struggled to lose myself in slumber.
???
ring ring
The bell officially marks the start of our lunch break. I turned around to face Fuyuki. She no longer had light in her eyes. It was empty and lifeless.
“Uhh… Fuyuki?” This was my attempt at breaking the tension.
“What?” Her tone reflected her current state.
“Is there something wrong?”
“Nope”
“Uhh… I guess we should go now.”
“Okay”
This book''s true home is on another platform. Check it out there for the real experience.
While walking towards our spot, I tried to break the tension again.
“Have you read the latest chapter?”
“Yeah,” She said without turning to face me.
“How was it?”
“Good”
Talking to Present Fuyuki felt like talking to a wall. There was a drastic change between Present Fuyuki and Fuyuki before the incident at the main library. And she won’t be opening up anytime soon too. We eventually arrived at the jovial halls of the cafeteria since it was too cold in our normal spot. I didn’t attempt to start a conversation anymore because she might get bothered by it with her current state. We ate in complete silence.
What happened while I was still in Nagoya? Why is she so secretive about the fact that is Kurai-sensei? Did anyone bully you over it? She won’t even tell me anything, I’m just stuck here wondering why! I can only watch her slowly turn into an empty shell of her former self. I’ve never felt this hopeless in my life. Seeing Fuyuki slowly lose herself the only thing that I can do is to watch her! I can’t even do anything to help her… It hurts to see her like that! To see her so empty and lifeless! No Chizuru, you shouldn’t lose hope, she’ll eventually open up. You just have to give her enough time. How will you be able to be there for her if you’re feeling hopeless? Calm down, Chizuru, calm down… Just be patient.
???
As soon as I arrived at my house, I plopped myself onto my bed. I couldn’t bring myself to do anything else. I received a notification and reluctantly checked my phone. It was from my editor asking me about the progress of the next chapter. My body was frozen in place. I didn’t respond and continued staring at the wall.
Great, I can’t even force myself to get out of bed and do the next chapter that’s due in a couple of days. I should probably put it on hiatus so that I can procrastinate…
The thought made my heart beat erratically as if I couldn’t bear the thought of stopping. I looked at the keychain and thought to myself.
Koto-chan, why can’t I bring myself to stop? Ah, I guess I truly am cringe, huh? All I ever wanted was to continue making manga with you… But you’re gone now, so that will never happen… and it’s all because of me. If I only defended you, this would’ve never happened. You’d still be here. If I only weren’t such a coward.
I called my driver and decided to go to the cemetery. It didn’t take too long for us to arrive there. I went up to the grave of Kotone Yuki and placed some flowers.
“Koto-chan, I’m sorry for being such a coward! I should’ve… I should’ve done something! I shouldn’t have let them treat you like that!”
I broke down into tears.
“If it only weren’t for my cowardice, you’d still be alive. I… I would’ve never lost you… And now, I’ll never be able to see you smile again. We can’t collaborate anymore to make manga together. I’ll never be able to feel your warmth… I’ll never be able to see you again and it’s all my fault!”
I cried even harder. I haven’t cried like this since Koto-chan died years ago. I then felt a light tap on my shoulder. It was from Shizuka, my maid. Her expression was filled with concern.
“Fuyuki-sama, I may not have been there when it happened but I don’t think Yuki-sama would like it if you continued blaming yourself.”
I faced her with my tear-stained face. “That may happen but it still doesn’t change the fact that she’s gone and she’ll never come back! And it’s all my fault…”
“Fuyuki-sama, yes, you may have done something in the past, but you cannot change the past. What you can do is to learn from your mistakes and to not repeat the same mistake.”
I let out a deep sigh. “You’re right…”
???
I was back in my room after visiting Koto-chan. I remembered her words and started making the next chapter. After a couple of hours, I finished the chapter. I told my editor that I was already done and sent it to her. After sending it, I noticed that Chizuru-chan sent me a message a couple of minutes ago.
Chizuru-chan… you’re probably just checking up on me to be nice because deep inside, you find me cringe for being a mangaka because, after all, that’s how people perceive mangakas. That’s exactly how I lost Koto-chan, both from my cowardice and for creating manga. Why are you still being nice to me, Chizuru-chan? You don’t have to, you know… You don’t have to pretend to be nice…
In the end, I didn’t respond to her message.