I left a note for Jamie to let him know that I was gone and then I hit the pavement. I love running, there’s been various clubs that I’ve joined over the years, but my preference is to run solo. Nothing can beat the simplicity of sticking in some earphones and silencing the world around you. Running has always helped to clear my mind, so I hit start on my playlist and get going in the hope that I can sift through my thoughts.


    In the two days since it happened, Jaime and I haven''t spoken much, and I don''t give more than short cold answers when we do. He hasn''t made any attempt to apologise, and I don’t expect him to either. He stopped apologising a long time ago really. I guess we''ve both come to accept his temper as a part of him.


    Jamie and I have been together for nearly four years. I met him the night of my twenty second birthday. It wasn''t fireworks and hearts colliding and all of that. It was me drunkenly tripping over his feet on my way to the bathroom. Us flirting and dancing. Cute dates and stolen kisses. Flowers and amazing sex. He won me over. We moved in together after a year, and I guess that''s when I really started to know him.


    I had an idea before I agreed to move in that he was kind of the jealous type, but not in a way that I ever thought I''d have to worry about. I thought it was cute if I''m honest. If another guy ever tried to talk to me while we were out, Jamie would pout his bottom lip out and flash me some sad puppy dog eyes. I''d usually kiss him and remind him that I was his. Forever his. It always did the trick, and then later we''d go back to his place and have sex until the sun came up. It was all part of love in my eyes, so the first time he hit me, it really took me by surprise.


    I was studying to become a music teacher at the time, which was all I ever wanted to do. It still is. My love for music began when my grandfather decided to teach me to play the violin. I was only three years old, although I didn''t realise how impressive that was until I started interacting with other musicians. He taught me how to play other instruments over time too, but I always gravitated back to the violin. I would have played it every day if he had let me. He was a music teacher himself before he retired, so I guess I was attempting to follow in his footsteps with my career choice.


    My grandfather adored everything about me, and I adored everything about him. My Pop Pop, thats what Sarah and I called him. He was absolutely my first love. He started the fire within me for music that only became more intense as time wore on, and I really wanted to make him proud.


    I had secured a training position at a local school while getting my degree, it was part of the course requirement. Thankfully I was working under an amazing teacher, Zachary Keller. Zach was a master of his craft, he was likely the most knowledgable person I knew when it come to classical composers. More important than that, he seemed to have the ability to reach into the souls of his students and pull some truly amazing pieces from them. I could only wish that one day I would be able to do the same with my own students. I wanted to be him.


    I wasn''t into Zach at all, not in that way anyway. He was at least twelve years older than me, maybe more. I saw him as more of a father figure if anything, even though he was too young to possibly be my father. He wasn''t unattractive to look at, he clearly looked after himself, so I could see why the girls in his classes often blushed when he complimented their work. He was a little shorter than Jamie, but still hovered above my 5''3 build. He always wore those thick black rimmed glasses that had become popular again, the type that made him look like Clark Kent.


    Zach and I never really discussed our personal lives, other than the general ''how was your weekend'' chit chat, so when he messaged me about some upcoming music exams that we needed to organise, I didn''t think it would be a big deal to Jamie.


    I don''t know why the message made him react the way he did, maybe I had gushed about how amazing Zach was too much, or I suppose it was possible that I gave the training position too much of my attention. Either way, something switched inside of Jamie when he saw Zach''s name pop up on my phone screen while I was dishing up our dinner.


    He picked my phone up off the table and examined it like he didn''t quite know what he was looking at. "Why is he texting you?," he questioned as his eyes bore through me. I was thrown by his tone, he knew he had nothing to worry about where Zach was concerned, or anybody for that matter.


    "We''re organising some exams," I explained, "it''s hard to get it all done when there''s so much on during the day."


    I attempted to move around him to put our bowls of pasta onto the table, but the next thing I knew I was pinned against the fridge while the bowls and their contents lay in pieces on the floor. Jamies hands were gripping my upper arms, his fingers digging in, bound to leave small fingerprint sized welts.


    "You''re lying to me!," he yelled. I''d never seen him look so angry before, it was like he was possessed.


    "Ow! You''re hurting my arms Jamie, let go!"


    "Don''t ever think you can mess around on me Izzy, I''ll ruin your fucking life!"


    Jamie pounded his fist onto the fridge beside me, rocking it with the force.


    "I''m not," I insisted, "I swear, it''s just for work, read the text if you want!"


    Wriggling my shoulders, I tried to break free of his grip. He dropped his hands from my arms and took a step back, keeping his eyes locked to mine. I watched him in disbelief, it was so unlike him. My arms ached from his hold as I rubbed at my shoulder, I couldn’t help but be angry at what he had just done.


    "Jamie,” I said, “that was so stupid, I''d never -"


    Suddenly, I was silenced by the back of Jamies hand striking me across the face. I was so in shock that I just stood there holding my cheek as it burned.


    Jamie took a few steps back, griping his hair with both hands. He began pacing the floor, letting the pieces of the broken bowls crunch under his feet.


    "Why would you make me do that Izzy?," he asked as he rambled on about how I’d betrayed him.


    My body slid down the fridge that I had just been pinned against as I listened to his nonsensical justification before forming a crumpled mess on the floor. As hard as I fought it, I began to cry.


    Jamie stopped his pacing long enough to finally notice me sitting there on the ground, terrified. Reality hit him like a ton of bricks. He rushed to my aid, squatting down in front of me.


    "Oh my god Izzy. I- I''m so sorry, I don''t know why I did that. I was just so mad, I''m sorry. Please..."


    Pushing back on my hands, I attempted to get away from him, but my back only met the cold metal of the refrigerator. There was nowhere to go. Jamie reached for me, offering to help.


    "Don''t!" I spat "Don''t you touch me!"


    Reaching for the counter beside me, I pulled myself to my feet, taking my phone and keys and getting myself the hell out of there. Sometimes I wish I had left that night and never went back, others I''m so in love with him that I could forget every single thing that he''s ever done. There’s rarely an in-between.


    I stayed in a hotel for a few days while Jamie love bombed me like crazy. He sent roses to the school, there were countless texts and voicemails from him apologising, chocolates arrived at the hotel, and a bottle of champagne was even sent to my room. He turned up on the third night with tears in his eyes and apologies on his tongue. I forgave him of course. And the next time, and the next, and every other time after that too. I forgave him so much that he soon stopped apologising at all.Love this novel? Read it on Royal Road to ensure the author gets credit.


    A couple weeks after he hit me for the first time, my car was in getting some new brakes, so I asked Jamie to pick me up from work. I bumped into Zach on the way out to the parking lot. He walked with me, chatting about the lesson plan we were working on. I couldn''t concentrate because I knew Jamie would see us, so I tried to finish up our conversation as quickly as I could before there was any trouble, but it was already too late.


    I could feel Jamie''s eyes on us. Even though I had nothing to hide, I was worried about what he was going to do. A panicked heat began to spread up the back of my neck as I saw him climb out of his car. His face was so red that I thought steam was about to come out of his ears. It felt like slow motion as he approached us.


    Zach didn''t see it coming. Jamie''s fist cut through the space between them the second he reached us, connecting with Zach''s jaw and sending him flying backwards onto the pebbled ground of the parking lot. I ran in front of Jamie, pushing him back and begging him to stop before he could do anymore damage.


    "You stay away from her!," he yelled, pointing down at Zach as he looked up at us in total bewilderment. "I''ll fucking kill you! You hear me?"


    I kept apologising to Zach while trying to keep Jamie back, but I think that only made things worse. When Jamie decided he’d done enough, he grabbed my elbow and dragged me towards his car, leaving Zach on the ground watching us in confusion.


    Jamie pulled open his passenger door and pushed me inside. In my panic, I stretched my hand out and held the door, trying to keep it open. His eyes met mine, and I could see every single bit of rage he had inside of him.


    "What are you gonna'' do Izzy huh?,” he yelled, “Run? Try it! I dare you to, because I swear to god if you step so much as a foot outside of this car right now, I''ll roll it over you and won''t think twice about it. Now let go of that fucking door."


    I dropped my hand back inside the car as quickly as I could, believing he''d make good on that threat if I didn''t. Jamie slammed the door and rounded the front of the car, his eyes latched to mine the whole time.


    I sat across from him, both silent and terrified all the way home. At one point Jamie actually laughed at me as he drove. Laughed. He had accomplished everything that he really wanted to I guess, because the next day when I arrived at the school, I found out that I had lost my training position. Zach agreed that he wouldn''t press charges against Jamie if I went without a fuss. I was devastated, and in my anger about it all, I stupidly told Sarah what had happened after we shared a bottle of wine at her place a few days later. I conveniently omitted Jamies violence and threats against me though.


    Sarah was beyond pissed for me, and to my horror she even confronted Jamie about it. He insisted that he’d made a mistake and that nothing like that would happen again, but he and I knew the real truth of it. He gave me the silent treatment for days until I promised not to tell Sarah anything that goes on between us in future.


    I found it impossible to find another training placement that late in the school year, which meant that I fell behind with both college and rent, although Jamie could more than pay for things. He held a great position at his dad''s tech company, but I wanted to have my own money, so I made the hardest decision of my life and dropped out of college. I figured I''d go back and finish my classroom training when the timing was better.


    I ended out finding a job at a music instrument store that were looking for staff at the time. It’s a world away from what my grandfather wanted for me, but things can''t work out for everyone I guess. Maybe teaching isn’t what’s meant for me. I have Jamie, that’s the most important thing.


    After running for a few miles, I''m now sweating all over and no more able to manage my muddled thoughts than I was when I started. I need to get to work soon though, so I hastily make my way back to the apartment and head straight for the en-suite to shower. In the bedroom, I pass by one of Jamies new shirts that I picked up, just as promised. It''s ironed, hanging and waiting for him, like always.


    The hot water hits my back and instantly soothes my aching muscles. I lean back into the spray, soaking my hair. I wonder if Jamie is at the gym downstairs? Hopefully he takes a shower down there afterward so that I can take my time and avoid making him late.


    Just as the thought runs through my mind, a soft knock comes from the other side of the bathroom door. Today isn’t my lucky day it seems.


    "Iz?," Jamie calls. "Can I come in?"


    Without an answer, he lets himself in. His wavy brown hair instantly begins to lose volume under the hot steam.


    I stand and face him through the glass of the shower door, he''s seen me naked a million times, there''s nothing to hide here. Jamie leans against the marble sink, wearing only a pair of navy sweat pants that hang low on his hips, his hands casually sit in the pockets. My eyes gaze over his chiseled torso, following the little trail of light coloured hair that disappears below his waistband. I feel a familiar burn in the pit of my stomach. Damn him and damn those sweatpants.


    He breaks first, interrupting the silence between us.


    "I know you''re mad at me Iz," he says. "I know I fucked up."


    Straightening himself up off the sink, Jamie looks around the bathroom as if he''s never seen parts of it before. The hand-towels suddenly become interesting to him, it seems like he’s willing to look at anything else but me.


    I shake my head in annoyance, fucked up is one way to put it. Moving myself back under the shower, I turn away from him, refusing to let him think that’s going to cut it.


    As the water falls over me again, the sound of clothing ruffling fills my ears. It’s shortly followed by the squeak of the shower door opening and closing behind me. I can feel Jamie’s presence as he slowly approaches me from behind. He inches closer before running his fingertips down my spine.


    "I want to make you feel better," he whispers, brushing my hair back off my shoulder.


    That''s not an apology.


    "You know that I never want to hurt you."


    That''s not an apology either.


    "Let me show you how much I regret what I did Izzy."


    Still, not an apology.


    Jamie reaches around to my front, cupping one of my breasts as his other hand grazes down my torso. He stops just under my belly button and pulls me closer to him. I can feel him, every bit of him. I know exactly what he wants. If I let it happen, he believes he''s forgiven and I lose this little stand off. If I refuse him, he picks a fight and I lose there too. We''ve danced this dance before, he always wins.


    I allow his fingers to creep down my body before slipping between my legs. Like an artist wetting his brush, Jamie slides a single finger inside of me before slowly drawing it back up my centre until he finds the little bundle of nerves he''s searching for. I drop my head back onto his chest and exhale. For someone who can make me feel so bad, he knows exactly how to make me feel just as good.


    Jamie’s fingers work in a tiny circle as my breath catches in my throat. He leans down, leaving a trail of soft kisses on my neck while the water from the shower sprays us both from overhead.


    "Tell me how good it feels Iz," he whispers into my ear. My eyes roll.


    "It feels amazing."


    "Do you want me to stop?"


    "No... don''t,” I say truthfully. A low whimper escapes me as I reach my hand up and grip the back of his neck. "Please don''t stop."


    Jamie’s fingers pick up pace, moving with ease from the wet heat that he’s created.


    "Tell me you love me," he says.


    "I do… I love you."


    Feeling the build up take over my body, I try to let go. My legs begin to feel heavy, and a sudden rush floods my chest. I wish I could say that I dont want him like this, but I do. I want all the good that Jamie has to offer.


    "Fuck, Iz you feel so ready for it,” he says gruffly. A slight sting sends a shiver through me as he nips at my neck. My breath becomes laboured as my muscles tense with anticipation, all I want is him. "I’m the only one that can make you feel this good Izzy,” he says, “I want to hear you beg for me."


    "Oh god, please," I plead with him.


    Jamie moves his fingers over the spot he''s been circling, knowing that it’s all it’s going to take. That one tiny movement sends me spiralling into a sea of pleasure, forcing me to collapse my weight back onto him as I moan and wither under his touch, letting the ecstasy crash over me in waves.


    I love Jamie so much that it hurts. Sometimes it hurts in ways that it shouldn’t, but I live for thesemoments with him. The ones that make me feel like the most important person in his universe. Being with him like this, knowing that he wants to be better is what drives me forward. It’s what keeps me here. This is the man I want him to be all of the time.


    My chest heaves as he works me through my high. His arms hold me to him for as long as I need to level out and come down off that mountain top.


    At some point, Jamie reaches through the shower spray and twists the knob, turning off the water. He then slowly turns me around to face him. Every inch of my skin sizzles under his stare. His piercing blue eyes rake over my body as he takes in every detail. Leaning in, he presses his lips to mine. His desire for more is plain to see as he opens my mouth so he can trace his tongue against my own.


    Walking me backward with his kiss, he forces my shoulder-blades to meet the chill of the tiled wall behind me. I take a second to catch my breath, looking down to see that he is both ready and eager to continue.


    "I need you," he tells me, pressing his forehead to mine as little droplets of water fall from his hair and roll down his face.


    I meet his eyes as they search my own. He wants to fix this, he wants to make it better.Swallowing down any anger I have left, I nod my head. "Okay."


    That''s all the permission Jamie needs. The veins in his arms bulge as he lifts me, wrapping my legs around his waist and pressing my back to the tiles as he steadies himself. He takes the tiniest second to savour this moment before gently pushing himself into me.


    "Oh...christ," he says breathlessly, letting his eyelids flutter closed as he starts to pump himself in and out, finding his rhythm.


    "I love you, I love you so damn much Iz."


    Jamie’s thrusts begin to quicken, I can feel him starting to lose control. We both steadily climb that peak again, panting and moaning along the way. Snaking his hand up my back, he balls his fist into my hair, pulling my head back ever so slightly. As much as I hate when he''s rough with me elsewhere, I love it here. I let out a groan in response.


    "Jesus... oh... god Izzy... I''m about to..."


    I''m already there with him, my hands gripping his shoulders as we both drown in the feeling. Jamies whole body releases and begins to spasm as he cries out, leaving traces of himself inside of me.


    He holds me there in his arms for the longest time, letting the weight of the last few days shed away. Eventually he lets out a sigh, one that sounds as if he''s been holding it in for days. He drops my feet back to the floor before kissing my nose and forehead. "You''re amazing Iz," he says.


    I smile up at him, sweat coating my skin all over again. "I''m going to need another shower after that."


    He thoughtfully kisses me one last time before reaching past me to turn the water back on.


    All is forgiven…