《Glacierwaif Act 1: Homefront》
Chapter 1: Gunz, Trolls, and Prison Time.
First day Ever After training!
Hello, my name is Runt. That isn''t my name, because War Boys don''t get no names. So I''m Number One Four Seven of Delta Platoon. Boss-men call us Pygmy Trolls- Domestically Raised, Vat Grown. Ever''one else calls us War Boys. But everyone just calls me Runt, ''cuz I''m small. So my name''s Runt. Runt is not allowed to write, so I''m not writing. This is a numbers book, to keep records (hehe). Like was said before, Runt is part of Delta Platoon. But Delta platoon doesn''t like Runt because he is small. Was traded many times for bigger, stronger War Boys. So Runt gets lonely because he doesn''t get to meet people for long. Delta platoon is stuck with me until some other platoon wants me. Platoon leader Gratch wants me on stilts and to wear big clothes when ever I''m offered to trade; but small is small, stilts or no stilts.
Runt is part of The
Hold on, Runt has a hard time spellin this big words. He is part of
D a s t a r d l y D a r k E m p i r e of E v i l B a s t a r d s.
Empire is biiiig. Has many platoons like ours. It has a big scary tower at the center, called the Dark Tower of Amin Omenisness Ominousness. Runt finished training yesterday. Went to see Dark Tower of Ominousness, ''cuz we finished training, and training is special. Tower of Ominousness is special also, makes sense I guess. So we went to the Big Dark Tower of Ominousness, and we put our hands on our chest and we all said the Warboy Promise together. The Promise goes like this:
I''m A warboy of Megacorp, and I am a tool
I am made for fighting, ''cuz fightin'' is what warboys do
Nobody gets to make others give ''em their stuff
No matter their name, pay, no matter how tuff
Nobody gets to hit, shoot, stab another
Unless they bein'' hit, shot, or stabbed by others
And warboys is always here to make sure this is true
So make sure if you want stuff you work your due
cuz if you steal it or shoot them and loot
Warboys will come to give you the boot
Strangers and Friends and family all follow the rules
we don''t decide who to shoot cuz in the end we''re just tools
You can be nicety nice and thats just cool
Or you can be mean and nasty and cruel
But if you start shootin and hittin and breaken the rules
Then something needs fixing, and we are the tools
I''m happy that I get a special book. Writing is fun. Book is like a spirit, that can tell others what Runt wants you to hear even though he is not there to tell it. Gratch thinks writing is stupid, so he never learned how. Gives book to me because I''m the only one in the whole platoon who thinks books are special. Gives it to me in front of everyone. Runt wanted other job, job as wrencher where I would fix things. But bigger War Boys get better jobs first, and Runt is small so he gets writing job (called ¡°record keeper¡±). Platoon laughed, said I was dumb. Small and dumb Runt, gonna get shot first and die fast.
I gotta put ma'' book down now because something weird is happenin'' and Runt wants to see what''s up.
later
GRRR! Stupid Platoon! We be getting our gunz today, but nobody tell me! I see a Warboy from Runt''s platoon walkin'' round with a brand new gun and I thought this was strange. Then Runt sees another warboy from my platoon walking around with a brand new gun and I thinks "huh, this is not normal." Then another warboy from my platoon be walking around with a brand new gun and I think "okie, I better be checking this out" and I put down ma'' book and ax''d the nearest Warboy "hey, why everybody be walkin'' round with brand new gunz?" He says "you dumb? We ALL be getting new gunz today! They be handing them out near the barracks! You better run and get yours before they run out!"
And so I run over to the barracks and platoon leader Gratch is handing out gunz to the whole platoon! There be a huge crowd around Gratch and I can''t get nowhere close! I have to wait and wait and wait before I get ma'' gun! By the time I get to Gratch, all the best gunz be gone and Runt is stuck with small, wimpy, one handed gun. Small gun no good. Doesn''t even shoot right! Runt pulls trigger and gun shoots once! Once! If you want more bullets, you have to pull trigger more times! Runt has to go to special gun range, get good at shooting, otherwise I be dead.
Gratch is biggest, gets first pick out of the big box of gunz, and gets huge gun! Gratch''s gun is super special, has three barrels that spin round and fire REALLY fast. It holds many bullets in a backpack, so it never goes empty. Runt is mega jealous. We need guns to fight the Nation of Good Guys and Heroes. But people in the Nation of Good Guys aren''t nice, they are super mean! They shoot at us, and bullets hurt! We get guns to shoot back, because shooting folks who is shooting at you is just sense.
First day in Drills
Hello, sun is up! Am back, though never went anywhere. Today we get
Later
Back again. Went to drill. Gratch was angry and it was hard. Was so angry, he slapped my record book on the ground. Runt wasn''t able to get near it ''till after we was done. We worked all day in da heat, running and jumping and firing and running again. Boss-man showed up and got angry, because Gratch didn''t have his special gun. Gratch had to go aaall the way back to barracks to get it. He was very angry then. He looked like he hurt, but he didn''t get in a fight or nothing so I don''t know why he hurts.
Went to the range and spent Funds on extra bullets. I shoot all of them, but I don''t feel better at shooting. Time to eat, don''t want food in book. Books don''t eat food, they don''t get along.
Third day in drills.
Gratch showed up to drill with out his gun today again! Can''t believe it, if I had a super special awesome gun like that I wouldn''t leave it ANYWHERE! I''d take it with me everywhere I went. When folks asked him where his gun went, he was angrier then ever. But then a boss-man told him he HAD to have the gun with him in drill. Gratch looked like he was gonna be sick, told boss man that he didn''t need the gun ''cuz he already knew how to shoot. Boss-man slapped Gratch. I was near when the slapping happened, and I laughed. Gratch looked like he was gonna kill me, but couldn''t help it ''cuz it was just so funny. I never seen nobody slap Gratch before! Is like a death wish. But Gratch was slapped and it was funny and I laughed and now Gratch is gonna get me with something for sure.
Sixth day: Day off.
Day off!!! Runt is happy, gonna spend some happy time in the nicety-nice sunshine today and go to the range and shoot lotsa bullets!
Later:
Met super nice Warboy today. He had this looong gun that could shoot ultra far. He told me all about my super small, wimpy gun. It''s supposed to be a Back Up gun. Like, you''re supposed to have this other, bigger gun. And only if bigger gun gets broken or lost or something you switch to small, wimpy gun.
He ax''ed me where my bigger gun was and I said I didn''t have a bigger gun. He gave me this look that says I am crazy. I told him I am small. He understood everything right away, then. Helped me with shooting practice and I am shooting much better now. Every night I am also supposed to practice a ¡°draw¡± which is pulling a small gun out really fast.
He also knows how to Read!!! I showed him my book, and told me to put numbers in it so other War Boys can know the time and day and month which each ¡°entry¡± was written on. Super cool idea, I will start adding those! But Runt is not good with numbers, so he will have to ax folks the numbers. Numbers is dumb.
Since Lone Ranga is super nice, I asked him what platoon he is part of. He is part of Omega Platoon, and I will send letters.
May 15
Quarter master Noog gave me only half rations today. I asks why, and he says I''m only half the size, so I only get half as much food. Noog is good friends with Gratch.
Lesson learned: don''t laugh if you can help it! Not that I could help it; said this earlier. We marched for four hours today, and it was hot. We keep training because in two months, we will get on a copta and go to the Fight. Ever''body cheers when Gratch says this, but I get dizzy. The Fight is bad. Like, the Good Guys shoot at you, and it hurts, and the Good Guys always win. Always. The moovies say so.
May 18
Pay master Grog told me today that Gratch is telling paymaster to pay him my funds, and that he''ll get the funds to me right away. I told paymaster he was lying! Paymaster nod like he knew this, told me I should watch out. I always scared of the pay master ''cuz paymaster is even bigger than Gratch, and is looking mean all the time. But he is nice, just real real quiet. Too bad he is not in our platoon, I bet he would keep Gratch in line.
May 23
Lone Ranga is telling me that I need to know my gun. Has a wrencher show me how to take apart my gun. Is super simple, fires six rounds before a reload. Lone Ranga tells me I should be able to take apart my gun and put it all together again it in the time it takes to visit the poop room, even in the dark and even if I got one hand nailed to my eye.
I''m gonna go to Bravo Platoon''s quarter master ''cuz their quarter master not a stupid friend of Gratch. I order a special gun. Still small and wimpy, but fires three rounds in one trigger pull. Fifteen rounds per reload. I pay money for it, and gonna turn in my gun for that one.
Lone Ranga says more bullets not always better, but he is wrong! More bullets always better.
May 25
Stolen! All my money is gone and I am in the hospital! Five War Boys: Bane, Tag, Harts, and Twenny all came and ax''d me if I had my funds. I told them I had my funds because it was just payday. They said that they were all out of funds. They prolly were, they play games with dice and lose all their funds. Or they spend them on smokes. Smokes are nasty, smell like burning tar lit on fire! I no like them, don''t see how anyone can like them!
They ax''d me if I could loan them my funds and I said no because they never give it back. They beat me, they beat me bad. Funds are gone. This is bad. I might never get a pay check again without getting beat up and stole from.
Bonesaw is reporting this to Gratch. Like he didn''t tell ''em to do it in the first place.
P.S. I said there were five War Boys. And I am right because Gratch told them to do it.
I know it. At least I still have my gun to finish paying for the new gun I get.
Later:
A boss man came ''round askin'' bout the beating. Had lots of questions for Runt. Runt answers all questions, best he can.
May 26Love this novel? Read it on Royal Road to ensure the author gets credit.
Got all m'' funds back today! Ultra cool Boss man did mega nice thing for Runt and make sure Runt get all his money back! Says it won''t happen again, said Bane, Tag, Harts, & Twenny all getting'' punished for the beating.
I ax''d bout Gratch. Boss man not understand Gratch did it, even though Gratch was not there to do it. I told him about the slapping and the laughing and Gratch-gonna-kill-ya Look. I told him about Quarter Master Noog''s new rations for Runt. He said he would ¡°keep an eye on it.¡±
I thought about this, and then ax''d him if he would need tape for that. He did not understand. I said ¡°eyes is round, roll off if you set them on somebody.¡± Boss man shook his head, said no.
Boss man is ultra cool and mega nice, but Runt not think he is very smart.
June 1:
Is outta the hospital! Is happy bout this, hospitals is boring and hurts and is fulla needles always pokin'' all the time. Runt don''t see how nobody get better in hospitals when they hurt so much.
Runt felt so good ''bout this, he felt like dancin''. Never danced before, so had to make up special dance just for now. I callin'' it the Happy Dance. In order to do the Happy dance, here is what you do:
1.) Put both hands in the air like you is holdin'' a gun (a big, two fist gun, not like Runt''s small wimpy one) above your head.
2.) Close hands till they all fisty and bring um down and up real fast like you be poundin'' a table.
3.) While poundin'' the invisible table, you stomp feet real hard! One foot or both feet, not matter much.
And that is how you does the Happy dance.
June 4:
Got new gun today! Traded in old one and got it and went to the range with it. New wimpy gun even got an arm on it''s butt so you can put your shoulder into it and aim real well. I go to the range and even saw Lone Ranga there with his long gun. He is real cool with that gun, shootin'' super far and hittin'' everything he wants! I be jealous, I wanna be that cool.
I went to some of the Wrenchers and got them to show me how to take the new gun all apart and put it all back together again. Now I gotta practice and keep practicin'' till I can do it real fast with my eyes closed.
June 5:
Runt not like this. Lotsa Choppa copta''s come in today with lotsa Hurt Boys from The Fight. Gratch tell me that they need more War Boys to help with all the Hurt Boys. He sends me. Runt not like bein'' with Hurt Boys. Some of ''em missin'' whole arms or legs. They make him scared. Make him think of goin'' to the Fight, make him think of missin'' arms & legs or getting turned to red pulp. He not like bein'' with Hurt Boys, not like talkin'' with Hurt Boys, not even like lookin'' at Hurt Boys! Why Gratch gotta be so mean?
Later:
Went to the hospital and do what the Gray Guys tell me to do. This mostly is just carryin'' stretchers off the Choppa Copta''s and into the cutting room where Grey Guys try to & help War Boys by cuttin'' um up. Is scary! Boss men say War Boys is asleep and can''t feel nothin'', Runt still never want to be in the cutting room when they be cuttin''.
Other times Runt just sit and hold an ivy bag for Hurt Boys. Is boring job, and arms get tired real fast, but still better than bein'' in the cuttin'' room. Met funny Hurt Boy named Joker, who had a red dot on his tummy from where Good Boys shot him. Joker be joking and laughing whole time, even when it made him hurt more! I ax''d him how he bein so funny even when he hurt. He say laughin'' is better''n cryin, hurt or not hurt.
Runt agrees, still not see how Joker can do it. But he made me laugh lots, and I forget all about The Fight even though Hurt Boys be all around me. I think I''m gonna make Joker a friend.
The Hurt Boys tell us that Good Guys be pretending to be Boss Men so they can get into the Dastardly Dark Empire and shoot the smarter Boss Men so us War Boys don''t fight so well. I am not knowing if this be true or not. Hurt Boys say a lotta things when they come back, doesn''t mean it''s true though!
June 5:
Guess Hurt Boys tellin'' the truth because Gratch called all the Delta War Boys together and told us how we would be usin'' a new thing called ¡°promt words¡± and ¡°pass words¡±. Pass word usin'' goes like this: when you on guard duty and a Boss Man wants to get into the base, you say a special set a words called Promt Words: like ¡°Eany Meany Miney¡±. And if they say ¡°Moe¡± they is a friend. If they say somethin'' else like ¡°what?¡± or ¡°huh?¡±, they not Boss Men at all, and need to get stopped! We be usin'' a new pass word every night so Good Guys can''t sneak in. Gratch tell me in front of ever''body that I can''t write down the Pass Words. I wasn''t gonna, but he make me feel dumb all the same.
We also got told that if we see a Boss Man suddenly start fightin'' War Boys or other Boss Men, he ain''t a Boss Man, he is a Good Guy and needs to be shot. I knew that already! Is there War Boys who don''t know? Must be, ''cuz they wouldn''t be tellin'' us if not!
June 15:
SO HAPPY!!! Runt is outta prison and he ain''t gonna get gassed and he ain''t gonna die and Runt is SUPER HAPPY!!! Runt is was cryin'' tears of happiness when he found out! Need to tell you all that happened, and is gonna take me lotsa writing to do it.
Runt was told one mornin'' how he was gonna ''escort'' a Boss Man around the Base. He does it with three other War Boys. And we start followin'' him ''round while this other Boss Man tells him all about the Fight and how it be goin'' and what needs to get done and lotsa borin'' stuff. I was right behind him ¡°taking notes¡± with another writin'' book. I was writin'' somethin'' down when they stop. I don''t see that they stop because I be writin'' in ma'' book ''cuz I''m the only War Boy in Delta Platoon that can write. I run into the Boss Man we be escorting. He turns around and asks me what is wrong with me. I say I is writin'' in ma'' book ''cuz he told me to. Boss man yells ¡°DON''T GET SMART WITH ME!!!¡± and hits Runt.
Runt was told about this! He be told about Good Guys pretending to be Boss Men and how they start fightin'' and how War Boys need to shoot ''em when it happens! But I been writin, and I don''t even have my super small super wimpy gun! So I take out ma'' Knife and start makin'' red lines on him by pokin'' him and cuttin'' him and I be yellin'' whole time ¡°GOOD GUY!!! HE NOT A BOSS MAN, HE A GOOD GUY!!! GET HIM!!!¡±
Suddenly, Gratch is pullin'' me offa Good Guy and I got ma'' knife pulled away and Good Guy is saying I should be killed! So Gratch take me away and throw me in Jail!!!
I in jail and all I can hear in my head is the Good Guy tellin'' them ¡°He needs to be shot! Needs to be killed!¡± I think about this again and again, and when I start crying I still can''t stop thinking about it. Pound on Jail door long and loud and tellin'' them it be a Good Guy, how Runt is just doin'' as he was told. Telling them ¡°please don''t kill Runt! Please! Just be doin his job! RUNT IS SORRY!¡± I keep tellin'' them, but nobody listen! Runt was so scared! Runt be scared and cryin'' and more scared for lotsa days and spent nights crying about how he was gonna get shot and die!
Then one day door opens up and a super scary Boss Man walks into the room. He got a gas mask and talks real quiet in a super creepy way. He breathes mega loud, and only says a few words at a time. Runt starts cryin'' again because he is thinking ¡°This is it! Gonna get shot and die!¡± but Boss Man is super nice to me and hugs me and waits ''till I stop crying. Then he asks about what happened. I tell him everything I did and tell him I am super sorry and how I never gonna hurt nobody ever again. He then tells me I did everything right! That is was Gratch and other Boss Men who were wrong! He tells me he gonna get everything sorted out. He starts to leave, but I still scared so I grab his leg and tell him ¡°don''t leave!¡±
And so he takes me by the hand and tells the guard to open the door. Guard tells him I can''t leave. Nice Boss Man just looks at guard and says real slow that we are leaving, that if the guard has a problem with it, he can shoot us. He takes me by the hand and we walk away. We don''t get shot.
And so he takes me back to the barracks and says ¡°wait here¡±. Soon I get a group of Warboys come to ma room to follow me around and make sure I don''t do nothing wrong. So I ask Warboys about where ma'' book went and here I am! Is so happy that I don''t think nobody has ever been this happy before me.
June 16:
Runt is under guard while the boss men yelling at each other in the Wood Room. Wood Room is where Boss men yell at each other, telling each other which Boss Man be right while which Boss Man be wrong. Boss man with a black coat and a shiny little wooden hammer decides after all the yelling be done. Don''t see why they can''t just skip all the yelling and have him decide who be right or wrong sooner. Boss men go in there for days yellin'' at each other.
Runt is under guard. Got three Warboys I don''t know from Omega Platoon sitting outside my room. When I need to eat, they bring me food. When I need to whiz or poop, they take me to the Poop room. Runt is not allowed to leave unless the three guards are with me. Is mega boring in here.
The other warboys are super jealous of me because I got to meet Raspy, who is the Boss Man who saved Runt. Raspy is a really cool Boss Man who is always checking to make sure War Boys alright, that war boys always be getting'' what they be needin''. I need to thank him some how. He really likes Runt. Says I am ¡°bright¡± and ¡°sharp¡±. I dunno if he means I am shiny. I don''t seem shiny to me. I am definitely not sharp. Woulda cut myself on myself if I was sharp. Especially when sleepin''.
Later:
Raspy came by to check on ma book. Says it is really interesting to read something written by a War Boy. I was thinkin'' something be wrong because if Good Guy was really a Good Guy then everybody pat Runt on the back and say ¡°nice job¡±. So I ax''d Raspy why Boss men be yellin'' at each other in the Wood Room about why Runt hurt a Good Guy. He says again that I am really ¡°bright¡±. Means Runt is really smart.
He also said that the Good Guy really was a Boss Man. But it ain''t Runt''s fault, ''cuz Runt was told Good Guys be pretending to be Boss Men. He goes to the wood room talk at the other Boss Men a lot. He tries to make them see it is not Runt''s fault. The Boss man that Runt hurt has told another Boss Man to go to the Wood Room to yell that drawin'' red lines on a Boss Man is Runt''s fault.
June 20:
Boring days is over! Runt is free again! Did the Happy Dance right outside ma room. Raspy has made the the Boss Men think that it is not my fault. Raspy says it is an ¡°open and shut case¡±, mean it was super simple and really fast. I told him he be lyin''. Four days not be fast. Runt don''t care what Raspy says, even if he is a Boss Man and even if he be super special. Fast be soon. Fast be quick. Fast be only enough heartbeats to count on one hand. Four days is not fast.
Raspy wants to write something here in my book. I will let him do that now.
This is Megacorp Chief Operator to report that PT-DRVG Trooper: Delta 147 is to be awarded a special citation for quick, cunning, and decisive action under unusual circumstances leading to a Red-on-red contact incident (friendly fire).
Delta 147 was told that enemy insurgent forces had been using disguises to infiltrate our ranks. The next day, a commissioner by the name of Gordon Humphrey deliberately and without warning proceeded to attack Unit 147, engaging him in unarmed combat. After being briefed on enemy actions in the area and holding mission critical information, Unit 147 reacted precisely as needed in the given situation. He diligently and bravely proceeded to pull out the first weapon available to him and managed to land several hits on commissioner Gordon Humphrey while simultaneously calling for an alarm to alert the base. He was then erroneously pulled off by Unit Delta 263 and unjustly detained for his actions and had psychological punishment heaped upon him when he was told that he was going to be shot or gassed for his actions.
The commissioner that Unit 147 assaulted was fully aware of enemy movements in the last few weeks and, forgetting himself, decided to engage the troll in a physical altercation. Not only is this a gross breach of procedure and negligence of duty, but also an act of stupidity that goes beyond comprehension. Even had enemy forces not used unconventional tactics recently, the act of hitting a PT-DRVG Trooper requires a special lack of intellect.
The PT-DRVG Trooper is a biological automaton made for exactly one function and one function only: To wage war. They are not pets, bus boys, servants, porters, or any other peon meant to be carelessly abused or mistreated. They are living weapons; designed to kill things, pure and simple. To slap a PT-DRVG Trooper would be to kick an attack dog, or to jab a war elephant in the eye. Anybody with an ounce of sense generally takes great care to avoid doing either of these things.
The commissioner''s lawyer eventually conceded that it was ¡°the deepest tragedy¡± that Unit 147 decided to act as he did. The only ¡°tragedy¡± in this officer''s eyes is the fact that Runt was unable to access his service weapon (which he was ordered to leave at the Barracks) at the time of the altercation, forcing to make use of his combat knife.
To be perfectly clear: Delta 147 was not only correct in his course of action, but shows remarkable cognitive function for a vat-grown troll. In any other situation, the action''s could have saved the entire platoon from enemy infiltration and sabotage.
Raspy all finished writin'' now. Goo''bye! I is all finished writing for now too. Gonna go to bed and get sleep because I spent the whole day runnin'' & jumpin'' & climbin'' in the hot sun. Also went shootin'', but I did not see Lone Ranga.
BONUS CONTENT: Clarice Applebye''s Anneversery address from the United Nation of Good Guys and Heroes.
Hello again, dear revolutionaries, it is I, your Prime Minister, Clarice. I was deeply worried that I might not have time for this speech because of the many things heaped upon our plate. But tonight is the Anniversary of the Revolution, and I just knew that I couldn''t leave all my dearest children without some words of encouragement and praise for all their hard work in supporting the Party. Please, stand up and give me a round of applause for all the Workers and their families who have made advancement of the Revolution possible.
{Pauses for applause.}
I am proud to report that the larceny of the Corporate Pigs is at an all time low. Workers of the Labor Union are able to engage in the Sharing & Caring program without fear that they will be gouged by some fat, fraudulent Free-Trade advocate interested in lining his pockets with The People''s hard earned fruits. The Special Tasks Police have made fewer arrests this year, pointing to a general decrease in Larceny overall. I want to give our officers a personal note of thanks to making our society a more open and understanding one; sensitive to the needs of the poor.
The Department of Free Land and Agriculture has reported almost no resistance from the wealthy Lord''s of Manor when it went to process land for the Collective Sharing Program. This means, of course, that they have either been driven out in fear of the power of the People''s love and determination to share with those less wealthy, or even better have at last seen the enlightenment of the Party. The borders of our Brave New Nation have grown once again, as more and more people realize the superiority of our methods.
The Society for Cultural Enlightenment and Improvement has told me that the enrollment age limit has been dropped from 12 to 6 years of age. This means that your children can begin learning, earlier and at a more crucial developmental stage, the value of working not for himself; but the betterment of society as a whole. I am especially proud of this accomplishment, and I am bashful to say that little old Clarice was the one to put forward the idea. I had no idea that you all would be so eager to adopt and place your children- Nay, our children, into my care so that we can molding and shaping their young, bright minds. Together, you and me, we can begin teaching these young people the value of a sensitive and giving society. Together. Doesn''t the word in itself sound so beautiful? Have you ever heard of a more wonderful idea? {More applause}
Now, I would love to continue on this heart-warming topic, but I must say with a heavy heart that we are not out of the woods yet. There have been whispers of Anti-party activity in basements and shady alleys. Vile lies made out of fear and hate about the Party. These lies include the absolutely preposterous idea that certain people accused of intolerance and war-hawking are not receiving a fair trial. This idea is ludicrous. The Party firmly believes all people should get a fair trial, no matter how heinous the crimes. I can only imagine this is the work of the bourgeoisie spreading lies of our new discreet court system, which is not broadcast or relayed to media sources for the sake of the accused, that he may not be embarrassed. But rest assured, dear revolutionaries, that just because you cannot see the trials does not mean that they are not taking place. There they are properly judged and then, if they have indeed committed crimes, they may be taken to a facility where they can undergo corrective therapy.
I am also sure that you have heard about the current scandal involving our very own Mr. Acker making a comment on television that some people maybe should be exempt from our Weapons Restrictions. Now let me make it very clear that I do not agree with Mr. Acker''s assessment in any way. Firearms are evil objects in and of themselves. They are evil and corrupt weak minds to do evil simply by being held in one''s hand. I would have to say that I wish we could get away with not making firearms at all, and that all people could live peacefully. Alas, this is not the case. Unless properly trained by the Party to resist the dark temptations created by a firearm to do violence, anybody who touches one will inevitably begin to spread a message of intolerance, hate, and bloodshed before being corrupted to the fullest and engaging in a murderous rampage.
In fact, I am absolutely convinced that the distilled darkness from firearms is what the Evil Empire uses to create it''s vile ¡°War Boys¡±, converting people from reasonable, compassionate beings of warmth and love into cold-blooded baby killers. Let me say it one last time for those who aren''t getting the picture: Firearms are banned for anybody not specifically approved by the Party to carry one. This is for your safety and protection.
Chapter 2: The duties of Industry
June 21:
Went to the moovies after drills today. Don''t know why I did, I not like the moovies. They always show us the sucky stuff. Warboys gettin'' shot. Warboys gettin'' killed. Good Guys winnin''. Good Boys cheerin''. Is always the same stuff.
I ax''d moovie guy why there be no moovies of War Boys winning, War boys cheering. He says there be a place called Tinsel Town that make all the moovies, that Tinsel Town be inside Nation of Good Guys and Heroes. They be super friendly with the Good Guys. I ax''d why we be buying moovies from them. Moovie guy tells me that Tinsel Town be the only place where they got super special E-fex for the moovies. I ax''d why we not be making our own moovies. He tells me because we got no special E-fex for moovies. No bright X-plosions. No mega cool lights and colors.
I tell him that it''s dumb. Don''t matter if we got no cool stuff, would still rather see a story about War Boys winning and killing Good Boys.
June 22:
I got a letter from Lone Ranga! He been sent to fight in the Fight at Zulu Base, where all the Hurt boys got hurt. He is not gonna be back any time soon. Runt feel like cryin'' again, Lone Ranga be a good friend...
I also got another letter from a Boss Man, it be super short. It just say ¡°Runt, this be a Boss Man. A war Boy named joker is ax''in if he can see you. Please come by hospital soon.¡±
Later:
Went to see Joker at the hospital and he was mega glad to see me. I be really surprised, nobody be glad to see Runt before. Ever''body be all like ¡°aw no, it be stupid little Runt again!¡± But not Joker, not this time. He be super bored in that hospital. There be nothing to do except watch little chickens singing in the trees out the window.
He be sayin'' ¡°wanna go to the moovies when I is outta the hospital?¡± I be like ¡°Nope! Not seein'' no moovies, no how.¡± He wonder why and I tell him all about how I don''t like Good Boys winnin'' and Good Boys cheering. Not want to see any of that! He all like ¡°whatcha wanna see then?¡± I say I wanna see War Boys winning! I wanna see War Boys cheering! He ax''d if I told the Moovie Man that. I told him I did. He ax''d what he said. I tell him how Tinsel Town be the only place makin'' special E-fex, how Tinsel Town be the only place making moovies.
I ax''d him if he wanna go to the Range. He tell me he don''t go to the range all that much. I ax''d why not. He be all like ¡°It be too expensive! When we be all out in the Fight, they make us pay for everything! I got a new scope for ma gun and it be super expensive! Like, it be five whole funds for a scope!¡± Five Fuunds!? No way! Megacorp never be chargin'' that much, they always wantin'' to sell more than the Big Union of Fair Treatment! If they be chargin'' that much, nobody gonna pay.
I tell him that as soon as he get outta the hospital, I pay for him to go to the range, and we be shootin'' downrange together all day!
June 25:
Today Joker is outta the hospital and we went to the range. Joker got this mega big gun he calls the thumper that shoots this big ol'' bullet that explodes when it hits stuff. He shoot at a target and target go BOOOM and be all gone, nothin'' left. Hold up, Joker be axin'' somethin''.
Joker did not know I could write. Joker does not know how to read, but he not thinkin'' it be dumb like Gratch or Noog. He says he always be interested in reading ever since he saw a boss man who was lost become not-lost when he read stuff around him. Joker says ¡°I never figured it out. One minute, he be all confused like ''where am I? How did I get here?'' The next minute he read stuff from a metal square on a post and he be all like ''Oh! I know exactly where I is. I need to go this way now.'' And sure as that, he walks off and he know exactly where he be goin'' and I never had to tell him nothing. How does that happen, Runt? How a boss man know exactly where he is just by seeing squiggly lines on a metal square?¡±
I try to explain that reading and writing is not that different from speaking and listening. Like, if you don''t know what any sounds mean, how you gonna know what anybody is saying to you? You just gotta know what each little squiggly means, and you know how to read.¡± Joker understands now, kinda. ¡°Is it fun?¡± he ax''s? I say reading can be mega fun. Like, it be figuring out a puzzle, and the reward is knowing what all the squiggles mean.
Like, I look at writing, and I think about it hard, and I get to understand that it means stuff like ''diner'' or ''Maple street'' or ''barber''. Or I get to read Lone Ranga''s letter and I can find out what he is trying to tell me because Lone Ranga be a good friend and I wanna know what he is sayin''. So reading be like this secret that only you know, and you feel mega smart when doing it. You say ¡°I can read that, and Lone Ranga can read that. But Gratch can''t. Noog can''t. Gumms and Ruckuss can''t.¡± And so you feel super cool.
Joker tell me all about a big house where you can read lotsa writing. It be all in books! I be like ¡°You know a place with books?¡± Runt almost never gets to see any book besides his own little writing book. He only gets to read the metal squares which Boss Men call ''street signs''. Runt see some Boss Men run around with books, but Runt never ever get to read any of them. Boss men be all like ¡°That''s not for you, don''t look at it!¡±
Joker says he know a place where you get to read as many books as you want! It be called a Liberry. Tomorrow, me and Joker gonna go down to the Liberry. Joker prolly gonna just show me and leave. He not know how to read after all, so a Liberry be no fun for him.
THIS IS RUNT.
I BE AT A LIBERRY.
I CAN TOO WRITE!
June 26:
Runt is in the Liberry and it is sooo cool in here! Sooo many books. I come into the liberry and a Boss Man at the desk think I am lost. He says ¡°this is a liberry.¡± I say ¡°it is a really cool Liberry you got here Boss Man! I come to read books!¡± He look at me like I be crazy and say ¡°I don''t think you would like books¡±. I tell him I love books. He tell me books are only good if you know how to read them. I be all like ¡°Duh! Of course they only good if you can read them! What else books be good for?¡± He asks me if I know how to read. I say of course I know how to read! And I show him my book. And he asks me who wrote my book. And I say ¡°Duh! You be reading Runt''s only book! Runt wrote it!¡± And he tells me ¡°No you didn''t! You lying!¡± And I have to grab a pen and show him that I can too write. He look at me really weird then, and tell me that I am a really smart War Boy. I asks if I can read a book. And he says ¡°You can have one book, and can take it home with you. But you only get to keep it for seven days. After seven days, you gotta come back and show me the book be alright. And then you can either give it back, or take it home for another seven days.¡± I ax him if he really mean it, I ax if he not just let me look inside a book, but let me keep it for seven whole says. And he says yes. I was so happy I started shouting and doing the Happy Dance! He ax me what be wrong with me and I hug him and say he is the bestest Boss Man who ever lived besides Raspy. He not just letting Runt take little peeks at books, Runt can take a whole book home with him for seven days! Runt is mega excited!This narrative has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. If you see it on Amazon, please report it.
Liberry Man ax''s what kind of book I would want. I tell him I want a book that has War Boys winning, War Boys cheering. Liberry Man say that kinda book would be really hard to find. He is off looking for a book right now!
Later:
Back with a book! Went to a liberry and they let me keep a book for a little while! Runt is so happy! Book has lotsa pages, each page full of squiggles! More than any street sign ever be! And Runt gets to sit here with this cool book and see what all the squiggles mean and what they are trying to tell me!
June 30:
Just met a mega-cool Zombie today named Rotface. Me and Joker be wandering around and be all bored ''cuz there be nothing to do at all! So we just be walking around town, bored as bored could be. But this zombie be shufflin'' around and he see us and he just come up and thanks us. We ax him why he be thanking us. He say that Warboys help fight in the Fight, and if we didn''t help, Fight would go ultra bad. He be all kinds of nicety nice to us, so we sit and talk with him. He tells us he work at a factory. We ax him what kind of factory he works at. He say he work at a factory building gunz! Joker then ax''s if he can buy a new scope for his gun. A scope that don''t cost no 5 fuunds! Zombie tells us of course we can get a scope! ¡°Just come by the factory tomorrow, and we getcha all set up!¡± he say. So tomorrow we go and check out the factory.
I also be readin'' the big book the Boss Man at the Liberry gave me. It be called The Best Bad Guys I Ever Knew. Liberry man says that there are no books ''bout War Boys cheerin'', War Boys winnin'', so this the closest book he could get. Book is all about this Boss Man who be one of the Good Guys (Yuck!), but soon he gets thrown out and they call him Evil. (Hurray!)
June 31:
We at the factory and it be super cool in here! A Robot who owns the factory meet us at the front door and as soon as we get here he be all thanking us just like Rotface did! He be all super nice to us and shows us all around the factory. We even get to see Rotface hard at work.
All the zombies be working on gunz! Did you know that a factory can turn super-mega hot metal into a gun in less time than it takes go to combat drills? Runt did not know that! And so many guns are here! Megacorp not just makin'' gunz for warboys, they make gunz for ever''body in the whole Dark Evil Empire! The Robot says he thinks that it is his job to make sure ever''body in the Dark Evil Empire gets a gun, and not just little stupid gunz either. They want ever''body to have big, loud gunz that shoot lotsa bullets. Ain''t nobody ever think they can mess with us if every single zombie and robot and boss man have a big mean gun.
I show the Robot my gun because I think it is super swell even if it be small, even if it be wimpy. Runt paid for his gun and Runt is proud of it! But the robot, he see it and be all like ¡°where your bigger gun at?¡±. I tell him that Runt never got no big gun because big gunz only go to big Warboys like Gratch. He ax''s me if I got a bigger gun than this, if I got one big gun and one little gun when I get to the big box of gunz on that first day outta training. I say ¡°Nope, Runt get smaller gun! Small gun for small Runt! Runt bought this one himself!¡±
Robot get sooo mad! He grabs a pipe, rips it out from the wall and smashes it into the floor! Steam be risin'' from his shoulders and his eyes go all glowy red and he starts shakin'' and shudderin'' and beepin'' and boopin'' and yelling. He starts yelling ¡°THIEFS! NUMSKULLS! RATS!¡± and he walks away. Some other zombie come over real quick, and tell us everything be all right, we just gotta let him calm down. Tells us over and over again that Robot not be yellin'' at us, that we is A-ok.
We is still at the factory, and Runt is gonna try and help Rotface with his work.
Later:
Joker just got his brand new scope, and it cost him less then a fund! Runt ax''d Rotface why ever''thing be so cheap here, but cost so much out in the Fight. Rotface says it because the Fight is so hard to get to. We be fightin'' out in a place called the Borderlands. Borderlands has swamps with muck soooo deep even Big-tracks get stuck in them. Borderlands got mountains soooo steep that not even four-wheels can climb them. That means we can only get supplies in usin'' Whoppa Choppas. Whoppa Choppas need lotsa fuel, and fuel be expensive. Even getting food and bullets to the fight cost mega much.
Megacorp be holding a big old game to make it better. See, you come to the game, and the game be that whoever comes up with the bestest fix to megacorp''s big problem gets a prize!
BONUS CONTENT:
Log of Austeja Darkflower #1.
The first inkling I got that the Lair even existed was in correspondence with my father. Once upon a time, when I was younger, I had been very fond of going to the beach. I always went with my nanny, but I never understood why my father couldn''t be there. He was always busy with work.
When Clarice Appleby started getting really popular in the media, business started going down hill. Motions were passed saying that Megacorp needed to keep a minimum of 60% dwarven workforce. Father thought this was absolute garbage, as most of them belonged to the Fair Union of Equal Labor. To the surprise of exactly no one, the Dwarves walked out on strike within hours of working in the factories. They said that it was "Slavery all over again". Of course, Tinsel Town gobbled it all up, telling the public that Father was a ruthless cutthroat. They conveniently forgot to mention that Father had to fire most of his zombies just to bring in the Dwarves, and that the zombies had found the factory conditions just fine.
Back to the matter at hand, in our telephone calls, Father began to bring up his regrets over being too busy when I was younger. He had not a single photo of myself and he building a sandcastle. Apparently, when I was about seven years old, I had been distraught that he couldn''t find the time to come to the beach with me and build a sandcastle, because building sandcastles was one of my favorite activities at the beach (swimming be hanged).
My birthday was coming up and the sandcastle incident began to pop up more frequently in our conversations. I wasn''t daft. I knew he was hinting at something, because Father could never keep a secret to himself when he was really excited about it. So I figured that I would be getting a house on the beach for my birthday.
Sandcastle. Birthday. Grown woman. I was adding it all together and I figured it could only mean that he was going to buy me a nice house on a beach somewhere. So I was expecting a nice cabana in the tropics.
What I wasn''t expecting was a nuclear command center burrowed into a mountainside, bought from surplus government stock at rock-bottom prices. The Lair was MNBC (Magical, Nuclear, Biological, Chemical) hardened structure complete with an underground aerodrome, warehouse, small factory, and barracks fit to garrison a maximum of 1,500 nonessential personnel.
Nor was I aware that Father was housing his own team of researchers to build cybernetic prosthetic limbs. And a group of very pissed off disabled veteran soldiers, led by a man named Hughard. Veterans that Clarice Appleby had called "murderers and rapists, the most vile specimens of mankind and a petulant stain upon the honor of our Philanthropic nation". And another team of researchers led by Giles Consus hired to breed vat-grown thralls to serve as battle-fodder.
The whole team recognized me instantly, and upon entering the structure I was greeted enthusiastically. Apparently they were all looking forward to ¡°My leadership¡±. Before I could get a word out, I was met with a dozen different plans and different opinions on how to go about those plans. Plans on housing a mass influx of refugees, plans on feeding those refugees, plans on sorting those refugees based on their skills in various trades. I was so confused.
I had to shout and scream in order to get them to all shut up. ¡°What refugees!?¡± I asked, ¡°What happened? What disaster has happened that I am not aware of? Why is my father housing thousands of refugees?¡±
They all looked at me like I had gone mad. A GX-4 model android came forward and hesitantly explained to me. He said something like ¡°Well, ma''am, there aren''t any refugees yet. But they''re coming.¡± This confused me even more. So I asked for details on who the refugees were. What were they running from?
They all stood there, shocked and horrified. The android asked me ¡°Don''t you know?¡± I screamed at him in sheer frustration. ¡°DOES IT LOOK LIKE I KNOW!?! WOULD I BE ASKING YOU TO EXPLAIN IT TO ME IF I KNEW!?! OF COURSE I DON''T KNOW, YOU DIMWIT!!!¡±
The next thing out of his mouth was some absurd scenario out of a film from Tinsel Town. They claimed that everything was going to collapse, and that a state of National Emergency would be declared. In such event of a national emergency, the Prime Minister would be given sweeping powers to stabilize the economy. They claimed that very soon, everything was going to be nationalized. The Fair Union of Equal Labor had lobbyists in Parliament, passing laws that would lead to the eventual liquidation of Megacorp. The liquidation of Megacorp would destroy the economy, as billions would be out of work and the only goods being produced would come from the Fair Union of Equal Labor, who''s inefficient business practices would inflate costs to absurd levels. As panic over the economic crisis spread, people would turn to the only source of aid the People ever know. The Capital could usher in it''s ¡°New System¡± that Clarice Appleby was raving about. The Capital would be able to seize land on a whim, imprison anybody they wanted with no questions asked, and absorb the media into a state-run ¡°Business¡±.
The entire idea was just insane. Completely insane. The idea that Clarice Appleby would ever garner enough popular support to dissolve free trade as we knew it was simply irrational at the lowest levels of cognitive thinking. An entire nation would have to engage in some sort of-of-of...collective delusion to believe that abolishing employers would somehow liberate the employees. Liberate them from what? From contributing to society? To liberate them from their wages? To liberate them from practicing the only form of interaction that two complete strangers can engage in with some faith that the other one is somehow trustworthy?
And to top it off....-to top it off was this notion that I was to lead this movement of....Resistance? Survival? That I was to be some sort of figurehead. That I could somehow arbitrate write from wrong, wise and unwise. That I was supposed to be this Princess of the Apocalypse, riding through the collapse of society with a steed made of wealth and the knowledge of law practice to save a people from completely dissolving into barbarism.
The End?
So, this story is an old story I''ve been hiding on my computer for quite some time. I wrote it between the years of 2014-2016, and I wrote it because I was what you would call "ideologically possessed." I was big into libertarianism.
I don''t particularly hate the story, but it also seems it''s not getting views. And if I''m not writing it for a devoted fan base and I''m not writing it for myself, then there''s really no point in continuing it.Find this and other great novels on the author''s preferred platform. Support original creators!
If somehow a great number of people pop up and show some overwhelming cry for more of Glacierwaif (Which is what the story was originally called) then I may continue. But that doesn''t seem likely, so I''m posting this here to let people know that it''s at least been dropped for the forseeable future.
Chapter 3: Ninety Nine Percent willpower
July 3:
Runt been reading in his book, and he thinks he has found the bestest fix to Megacorps problem! I be all reading and this book starts tellin'' me all about pacas. Pacas be fuzzy animals with four legs that carry lotsa stuff long time! They eat grass, and grass be everywhere. The Dark Knight in ma book thinks paca''s not be as good as horsies, because horsies carry boss men super swell. But he say they be cheaper then horsies, eat less grass, poop less times, and good for carrying stuff here and there and everywhere.
Pacas be exactly what megacorp is needing! Don''t need no horsies to carry boss men, but megacorp has lotsa stuff it needs carried! Pacas be perfect.
July 4:
Paymaster come by axin'' bout rent! Runt is forgetting about rent. Ever''body is always making fun of Runt for this, ''cuz Runt does not get it too well. Rent is one Per Sents of what ever you make every month. Runt is not sure what a Per Sent is, it always be changing. One month, a Per Sent be five fuunds, next month it be ten Fuunds, and the month after that it be seven Fuunds! Runt has never understood how this be workin''.
So I always ax Paymaster what Rent is, because Paymaster is mega good with numbers.
One thing Runt does know is that if you don''t pay your rent, you get E-viktid from the Dark Evil Empire, and you taken in a big four wheel and dumped outside in the Borderlands.
From what Runt has heard, the Dark Evil Empire is the only place that has rent. Ever''body everywhere else has these things called Takses. And if you don''t pay your takses, the gov''ment spends money to keep you locked up.
Runt think this is mega dumb! If gov''ment wants money, why it be spending money on people who don''t have no money!?! It don''t make no sense! Why not just take people who don''t pay and dump them outside?
July 6:
In one week from today, Gratch get''s his first Letter of Mark for the whole platoon. Letters of Mark be like a big list of things our platoon can do to get paid. Once we get the letter, we no longer getting paid every two weeks, we get paid on Commission. Commission be a way of doin'' things where you do one job, and you get paid when that one job is done. Boss Men got many different types of words and stuff for explaining all the different commissions, but us Warboys make it mega-simple. Either you get Merc Work, or you get Search Work.
Merc Work is usually protecting one thing or another thing. Like if we get a job to protect a bunch of Four Wheels moving stuff from one place to another, and if all the trucks make it there A -ok, we get a big paycheck.
Search Work is harder, you gotta search for something and blow it all up to pieces. It can be a Good Guy, lotsa Good Boys, or some really expensive stuff that the Good Guys do not want blown up. Search work means going out past the borderlands, so it be mega- dangerous. But Search work also pays super lots &and lots, so you can get really rich really fast if you good at doing Search work.
If we wanna get paid more, we can bring in Chips. Chips be special pieces of plastic that Good Boys keep inside their heads. Every Good Boy you kill, you get Five Fuunds.
Runt is scared. Letter of Mark means we be getting into the fight soon. I forget all about the fight.
Later:
Boss man came by and said a robot told him that some warboys been stealin'' gunz. I tell him right away that Gratch did it! Gratch only gave me super small, wimpy gun! Gratch say that he never stole nothing, I got the gun I was supposed to get. Not true, I say, he be lying! Robot even TOLD me I supposed to get a bigger gun! Gratch say that quartermaster Noog told him small warboys get small gunz, while big warboys get big gunz. I yell he is lying.
Boss men be looking for Noog, but they can''t find him nowhere. Why don''t they know Gratch did it? Gratch always been super mean, always wanting to trade Runt and always saying Runt never be good for nothing. I know Gratch did it. I tug on Boss Man''s shirt and tell him this. He still don''t believe me.
July 7:
They found Noog hiding an entire crate of fuunds! He been taking Warboys gunz and selling them to anybody who wants them!
Boss Man came up to me and say I should prolly say sorry to Gratch. I tell him ¡°No Way!¡± He tell me it be the best thing to do, but I tell him how Gratch always been mean, aint ever bein'' nice.
So Boss Man takes me and brings me to Gratch. And he tells me to say sorry. I say ¡°No!¡±
Gratch tells Boss Man I never be sorry for nothing, tells Boss Man I ain''t never been good for nothing, tells him I always get the worst score for every test, tells him that I''m gonna get the whole platoon killed!
I start crying. Can''t help it, Gratch just be so mean! Boss man tell Gratch to shut up right away. He waits for me to stop crying, and tells Gratch he got it all wrong. He tells Gratch I been working hard on everything, that I be getting better at everything, and says that I always do my job whenever I am told, no matter how hard the job be. He tells Gratch I aint never bein'' lazy, that I always be working extra hard!Unauthorized content usage: if you discover this narrative on Amazon, report the violation.
Gratch gets mega angry and says I always been thinking he is stupid, that I laugh at him even when he is doin'' best he can.
I say I never think Gratch being stupid, just that he is super mean. He says I do think he''s stupid. He tells Boss Man how I always say smoking smokes being stupid, how card games being stupid, how drinking booze be stupid. Gratch do all these things, how can I not think he is stupid?
This makes Runt think. Runt has said all these things. I am never being careful about anything I say. I never think I be needing to be careful ''cuz I just say what I be thinkin''.
I tell Gratch I am sorry, that I don''t think he is stupid. I just don''t like smoking smokes, drinking booze, or playing cards. Boss Man leaves.
Me and Gratch sit for a long time, but we don''t look at each other. I ax Gratch ¡°Why you trade for me? I be so small, why you trade another War Boy for me?¡± He tells me he trades for me because I know how to write.
I be all like ¡°No way, you always think writing be mega dumb!¡± He tells me he just say that because I tell everybody everything he likes to do be stupid. I ax him ¡°Why is it good that I write?¡± He tells me that he wants to tell the whole world about us Warboys. He ''specially wants to tell the world how swell Delta Platoon fights, how the Warboys of Delta Platoon be the bestest Warboys out of all the Warboys ever! And you can''t just run ''round tellin folk you got the bestest team of warboys, you would just look silly. You gotta go out and prove you the best, and you gotta find a way to tell people. And he says that''s why I got ma little writing book.
July 10:
Runt is packing up all his things to go to the Big City near the Borderlands. Runt is mega mega mega sad to go. I needs to say goodbye to Rotface and Joker. I feel so sad. Why life gotta be so dumb? Why you always gotta meet somebody super cool, just to say goodbye later? It aint fair. Life aint never fair for Runt. Ever''body be born big while Runt is born small. Ever''body super cool in training while Runt is not-cool. Ever''body makes friends mega easy while Runt gets laughed at for trying to make friends at all.
July 11:
Ummm, so we aint leavin after all. We spent all day waiting for a whoppa-choppa to get us to The Fight in the Big City but there is no whoppa-choppa for us. Gratch is super super angry. He says Mega-corp lied, says Mega-corp cheated all his fuunds away from him. Letter of Mark is gonna have to wait. Which means we is not gonna get paid. If we don''t get paid, then we can''t eat.
Went shooting with Joker again, and Joker be smiling and happy whole time! Is so hard to stay sad when you got somebody so happy all the time. Joker also thinks I am super neat ''cuz I can do something he aint never seen b''for!
I just be shooting, and then I start practicin'' my draws, where Runt pullz out his gun all fast-like and goes pap-pap-pap! Joker sees this and he all like ¡°Whoa, do it again! Do it again!¡±
I say ¡°do what again? Whatcha talking ''bout?¡± and he be all like ¡°where you do it all super fast, where you pull out your gun and aim and shoot, all super quick!¡±
Joker says my draw will help mega much when I am shooting inside buildings. He says I am really really fast at aiming, which is good when you all up-close, in-your-face shooting.
I also got a hug from Rotface, which smelled super uncool.
Later:
Runt has a new job! I haz a job as ¡°record keeper¡± and also new job as ¡°assistant¡± to platoon-leader Gratch. I am supposed to read all the things Gratch cannot read, and help Gratch get jobs for Delta Platoon. But job is mega hard. I gotta make sense of all the strange words that the Boss Men use. Why Boss Men gotta be so confusing all the time, they got so many words for everything?! Why can they not keep things all super-simple like the Warboys do?
I spent a whole hour reading about mega-super-borin'' stuff called ¡°Departure Times¡±. This is supposed to help us get a whoppa choppa to take us to The Fight. And I don''t understand it at all! We got this thing called a ticket, see? And it says we supposed to leave on July 10, which be yesterday. But we hang around the place where all the whoppa-choppas and whoosh-birds start flying, and there is not anybody there who will take us anywhere! Is not making any sense.
BONUS CONTENT: Clarice Appleby''s "New System".
The initiation of Countries, states, Government systems, and religious institutions has clearly failed mankind time and time again. What I propose is a completely new system based on the needs of the lower class. This system would be completely amorphous, it would have no set structure. Things would simply be done with common sense. No bureaucracy to get in the way. No hierarchy to abide by. A Brotherhood of Man, if you would imagine it, where everybody simply did what was best based on the needs of the Worker. If somebody needs something, we just take from those who have extra, and give to those who don''t have enough. Greed would have no place in our world. And without countries and religion to divide us, there would be no war, murder, or strife.
Our system would be based on Unity. An entire world united under one banner. Where everybody works together. Where everybody is equal.
Clarice Appleby''s Inauguration address
I would first of all, like to thank all of you, and the value of the democratic process, for bringing me this far. This would not have been possible had you not believed in me. And I promise that I will live up to that trust. I can promise that I will make your belief not a thing of faith, but of reality.
I come from a long line of elected leaders of Noblebright. There have been good leaders and poor leaders, and all of the options in between. But of all the leaders of Noblebright, I would like us to speak on the very first one. Adam Prime said upon the defeat of the Dark Lord, and upon the liberation of our world, that our country would be a place where everyone could live happily ever after. I would like to pause and dwell on those words for just a moment. Happily Ever After.
Those words could write a book all by themselves. Those words spoke volumes about the direction Adam thought our country should take. Happily Ever After suggests that we would be able to live a carefree existence. Happily Ever After says that we wouldn''t need to worry anymore. Happily Ever After would mean that we would all be able to get what we needed when we needed it. Happily Ever After says that we wouldn''t need to be so concerned with competing with our coworkers to get that promotion we''ve always wanted. Happily Ever After doesn''t include overcrowded prisons. Happily Ever After doesn''t include people resorting to crime just to get by. Happily Ever After means, most of all, that millions wouldn''t be below the poverty line.
I don''t believe anybody here feels as if they''re living in a Happily Ever After. In fact, I feel as if the vast majority of people living in Noblebright feel as if their future is bleak, pointless, and gray. I feel as if those with dark hearts and evil ambition are the only ones to truly accomplish their goals in Noblebright.
I think it is time we accepted that a time of change is upon us. I think this is the farthest thing from what Adam Prime would have wanted. I think it is time we stopped propping up a system that has failed us time and time again. I think it is time that we realized that the proponents of this system may not have our best interests at heart.
I assure you, good citizens of Noblebright, that there is no reason to be afraid for the future that the Philanthropic Party holds for this nation. I implore you to follow me to the destiny of our people, to follow me to a better world. Follow me, and I can give you a world in which you would like your children to grow up in. Follow me into this brave new world, where we can make our Happily Ever After!
Chapter 4: Discovery of the ideal
July 12:
Runt quit his new job! Me and Gratch get angry at each other and there is lots of shouting. Runt thinks Delta Platoon needing a Boss-man who can get things done. Gratch disagrees, and thinks Boss-men be no good for nothing, that Delta Platoon will be the first platoon ever to work without a Boss-man.
Runt is starting to think new things about Gratch. Gratch be mega-mean, but he be super cool at the same time. He is mean because he wants Delta to be the coolest, he wants all the Boss-men to look at Delta Platoon and go ¡°whoa, they be the coolest warboys who ever been born!¡± And that means Delta Platoon gotta do things that no Platoon has ever done before.
This is a neat idea, and Runt has never thought of this before. But Boss-Men run everything! In order to get things done, Delta needs a Boss-man who can figure out all the weird things that Boss-men do!
But Gratch still disagrees. He says Boss-men never be caring about Warboys, and having a Boss-man run the platoon is a bad idea because he will send warboys to fight and die for no reason at all! I tell him this is not true. Raspy come and save me, and Raspy be a Boss-man. Not all Boss-men be the same. We gotta find us a Boss-man who cares, like Raspy does.
July 14:
Runt was reading his super cool book he got from the Liberry Man, and found out something mega-neat-super-special-awesome. So, like, the Dark Knight, he be trying to cross this bridge, right? But somebody won''t let him cross. This somebody, he be a Warboy! But not like a normal warboy, it was way, way back when ever''body called Warboys ¡°Trolls¡±.
So, Dark Knight says ¡°Gotta cross the bridge, Troll.¡± And troll says ¡°Nope, my bridge, you can''t use it.¡± And Runt understands this because nobody likes other people using their stuff. But Dark Knight says ¡°I really really need to use your bridge.¡± Dark Knight is mega pushy. Runt knows exactly how this is, Boss Men can be super mean and pushy sometimes. But troll is all like ¡°Nope. Go ''way. Find another bridge, this one''s mine.¡± This is the first time Runt has ever heard of a Warboy telling a Boss Man he can''t do something.
So the Dark Knight and the Troll get into a super nasty fight. Dark Knight does all sorts of hurt to the troll. First he pokes him with a spear, which is kinda like a long pointy stick I guess. But the spear breaks while it is inside the troll, so Dark Knight gotta pull out his sword, which is like one of our knives, only bigger and meaner. But the Troll got''s a heavy stick and a shield. No matter how many times Dark Knight hits this troll, he does not give up. And this fight goes on so long that the Dark Knight can''t even lift his sword no more. He is all super tired, and the troll is covered in red lines where the Knight hit him with his sword.
But the Dark Knight has seen how hard this troll fights, and he don''t want to fight no more. Dark Knight thinks this troll is so cool, he wants to give him money and patch him up so he gets better soon. And so Dark Knight says ¡°I surrender¡± and wraps the troll in bandages. So Dark Knight gives food and bandages to the troll.
This book has taught Runt a lesson: always fight, and never give up. Sometimes the fight is long and hard, but if you fight long enough you can make anything happen. You can even make mega-pushy Boss Man give up.
The Troll''s name is Steelface Rockfist, and I think all warboys oughtta know his name. Boss Men have always said that if a Warboy is cool enough, ever''body should know who he is and what he did. And Runt thinks that Steelface Rockfist is the coolest warboy I know.
July 15:
So much stuff has happened today that it is gonna take mega-long to write it all down. But stuff is so important, I gotta write it. Is my job as ¡°Record keeper¡±.
Runt went to the factory to see Rotface again. Rotface says he cannot see me while he is working, so I gotta wait till later. Rotface promises to take me to the temple, where all the zombies get together and sing about this super-great guy named The Lich King.
And on the way back to the barracks, I hear this mega-cool sound. It be all like bibbity-boppidy-bash-crash-bang-slam! Only it be a whole lot cooler than Runt makes it sound. And the noise be coming from this boss-man who is hitting buckets with sticks. And I be like be all like ¡°Super cool sound ya makin'' Boss man. Make Runt feel like dancin!¡± ''Cuz it does. And he looks at me with a big smile and says thanks, says it be called Drummin. And I say ¡°Your platoon gotta love the sound you make with your buckets¡± And he looks down and says ¡°Well, I don''t have a platoon.¡± And I say ¡°Whatcha got then, Boss man?¡± And he says ¡°Parents.¡± And I say ¡°Well, parents gotta be dancing all the time then.¡±
But he says his parents don''t like his bucket sounds. And I ax why not. And he says ¡°Cuz it''s not a real job.¡± And I says ¡°They want you to get money?¡± And he says yes. And I say ¡°Can''t ya make money by hitting buckets and makin'' neat sounds? Is super neat sounds you can make.¡± And he says ¡°Naw, I only got buckets. I don''t even have real drums.¡± And Runt thinks about this and ax''s what drums are, which are kinda like special buckets that make even cooler sounds. And he says ¡°Would you like to get money for your drums, Boss man?¡± And Boss man says yes. And I says ¡°You ever think about going to Megacorp to get yourself the super neat clothes and the super cool guns and a whole platoon of Warboys to make money?¡±
And he says ¡°Oh no. Ain''t no way I could ever do that.¡± And I ax why not, ''cuz you can make mega lotsa money buy doing the search work and fighting Good Boys and shootin'' Good Guys and blowin'' up buildings that need to get blow''d up. And he says ¡°But what if I took a bunch of warboys like you into a fight and one of you died? Is that not super sad?¡±
At first Runt is so surprised about this, he doesn''t know what to say.
And Runt looks to his 9 o''clock. Nobody there. And Runt looks to his 3 o''clock. Nobody there. And Runt checks his 6. Nobody there either. Nobody here but me and this boss man. And I lean in close, and I say real quiet ¡°You don''t like it when Warboys get shot?¡± And he says ¡°No! ''Course I don''t like it when Warboys get shot!¡± And I look around to make absolutely sure no other boss men be listening. And I say ¡°But Warboys be made to go into the super dangerous, mega scary places so Boss men don''t have to get shot. Is it not better that a Warboy gets shot instead of a boss man? Aren''t boss men supposed to be more important than us warboys?¡± And he says he does not think this is true. Or that he is not sure it is true. And I ax him what makes him not-sure. And he says ¡°Megacorp always be telling ever''body that warboys is stupid. Megacorp keep telling us that you warboys no smarter than dogs and cats. But no dog or cat I ever met can talk to me like you can. No dog or cat I ever met wears clothes or uses guns, either.¡±
And Runt thinks about this, because the Big Screen says this: Says Warboys and their simpleness means they are not as cool as boss-men, so it is not so important that we warboys die. But then I think about something else: Warboys made to die. Boss-men make warboys to fight. So isn''t it wrong if we don''t fight? We warboys be made for a special reason. And that reason is to protect our boss-men. To not-fight seems kinda mean. Like, dumb little Runt would not even be here if Boss-men did not use their super special awesome Glass Boxes to make him.Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on the original website.
Seems like what we do is cool, and to not fight means that lotsa boss-men would die. Now, some boss men seem super mean and mega not-cool. But Runt would never want to kill a boss-man. That just seems too mean. And not-fighting means boss men would die. So if I didn''t fight when I could have, and some boss men died, would it mean that I helped kill those boss men? It kinda feels like it does.
And so I ask the drummin'' boss man about all these things. And he keeps saying the same thing: I dunno. Ever''thing I ax, he be all like ¡°I dunno.¡± Runt is gonna have to think about this more.
The drumming boss man says that I am really smart to think about all these things. And Runt feels super proud. But then boss man tries to tell me his name, and Runt has to cover his ears mega-quick like to make sure he don''t hear this. I also yell. Helps me make sure I cannot hear his name.
This is one of the first things that the Big Screen tells us, is that Warboys is never ever EVER supposed to know their boss-men''s names! Is super not-cool. ''Cuz if the Good Boys catch you, they have ways of making you talk about the things you know. This is why we warboys is NEVER supposed to have names, why Runt is not Runt, he is Unit 147 of Delta platoon!
And I gotta explain all this stuff to the boss man. If a Good Guy ever caught Runt, Runt would never ever want to tell the Good Guys this cool boss man''s name. Means they would track him down and kill him dead. I cannot know a boss man''s name, where he lives, who he knows. I can''t ever know NOTHING about boss men. And it would be super super sad if a really cool boss man like this died ''cuz Runt was caught and made to talk.
And Boss Man ax''s me about all this stuff. He says ¡°Warboys have no names?¡± And I says ¡°Nope. No names. We got numbers. I am 147 of Delta Platoon.¡± And he says that it is super cool to know me. And I tell him that it is super cool to know him, and that I wish he was running Delta Platoon. And he ax if the Boss man running my platoon is as cool as he is. And I tell him that Unit 263 is running our platoon, and that no boss man is in our platoon. I tell him how our platoon will be the coolest ever because it is not run by a boss man. He says that it is super cool, and that he hopes our platoon does mega good in the fight.
And I remember that we have such a hard time getting to the fight. And so I pull out ma little slip of paper and say ¡°Boss man, we aint been able to get to the fight ''cuz no whoosh birds will take us there. I cannot figure out why. Can you read this and tell me what we did wrong?¡± and he says sure. And he looks at the little slip a paper. And he says ¡°I know what''s wrong.¡± And I says ¡°You do?¡± And he says ¡°This little slip of paper says you supposed to board a flight next year. Not July 10 this year. July 10 next year.¡± And I shout and I stamp my feet and I about to start crying.
A whole year!?! We cannot wait that long! We are gonna not get paid, we gonna run outta food, we gonna get thin and bony and we gonna starve!
And Boss man ax whats wrong. And I tell him all this. And he says he can prolly fix it if he really tries. And so he comes with me to the Airfield, which is the place all Whoosh birds and the Whoppa Choppas be flying. it took so long to get to the airfield and back again. We was walking and walking and walking more! And we get there. And he goes to talk to some other boss men, and he hands me a little slip of paper that is for this year on July 30. So we got fifteen days to get ready for our whoosh bird. This was a super-cool-mega-awesome-special thing that this boss man has done for me! Like, Gratch and them won''t even let me have a little bit of food if I ax all nicety-nice. But this boss man has walked aaaall the way from his house to the airfield and help Runt without Runt even really askin! So now I know what I needs to do. This boss man has GOT to become our boss man. Boss man super nicety-nice even to warboys he don''t even know. So we gotta make him our boss man. Runt gotta find a way to make it happen.
Gratch says that we cannot have a boss man. But I gotta make him see how different this boss man is. This boss man is like Raspy, always caring and making sure Warboys get what they need. I found this Boss-man drummin at a place on Ghost Street, outside a little shop that sells chow for boss-men, and I am writing it down here so I can find him again.
Later:
So I go to the temple with Rotface. Rotface says it is really nice that I go to the temple with him, because most people ain''t wanna learn about the Lich King or what he says. Runt feels a little bad about this, and says he only going because their ain''t nothing to be doing at the barracks except drink booze, smoke smokes, and play cards. And since Runt doesn''t like doing nothing like that, he just coming with Rotface ''cuz Rotface is cool.
Rotface tells me this is fine and A-ok. So we go to the temple, where all the zombies are. And this boss man all in black gets up in front of all of us and starts talkin. And he says lotsa stuff about the Lich King. Too much stuff for Runt to write down here in his little book. The whole talk be really complicated, but Rotface let me know the really simple Warboy version, which I will write here.
Most of it is about how people once built a big old building for the Lich to live in. This big building was super fancy with shiny metal and statues and cool stuff. But the Lich said this be a huge, ginormous waste of money because the Lich doesn''t really need a place to live. And so the Lich King said that maybe the money could have been used to buy food for the super skinny thin people. Or maybe it could have been used buy clothes for those people out there who are really cold at night. Or it could have been used for people who ain''t got no houses, and used to build a bunch of smaller, simpler buildings for people to live in. But instead they had wasted it on a mega fancy building that wouldn''t do nothing for nobody because the Lich wouldn''t be able to live in it anyways.
Then the Boss man in black stop talking, and all the zombies get up and start singing. And then we get in Rotface''s four-wheel and we go to his little house, and I get to meet his family. He got another zombie he calls his ¡°Wife¡±, and the wife''s name is Pusgut. He also got a little zombie he calls his ¡°Son¡± who is named Plaguefoot. Plaguefoot was super excited to show me a project he been working on. He wants to make his own big-track to use in Megacorp''s big game to fix it''s problem of getting stuff from one place to another. Runt sees this, and he remembers his ideas with the pacas. So I ax Plaguefoot where to go to get into this big game that megacorp be havin''. He says he can take me, but he does not think that pacas will work.
If pacas do work or don''t work, Runt now needs to find some pacas. ''Cuz pacas be great for carryin'' stuff. And even our big-tracks cannot get up those mountains. I will show Plaguefoot he is wrong, that big-tracks is not cool for carryin'' things up mountains. And I gotta do it before we go to the fight.
Log of Giles Consus #2:
When the first one came out of the vats, he fell face first onto the floor, and I ran forward to check vital signs. I turned him over. At some point I was kind of cradling his head in my hands as I was trying to check pulse on his wrist. And that''s when his gills first opened up and he breathed his first breath.
Up until this point, it was all just kind of this project. A project like any other project. I was told to make a product to fit a need. I was to make the product on commission and I would be paid and that was the end of it.
That....hold on...I-I... just...I need a minute to myself.
{Pause log}
{Log Resume}
That moment when he took his first breath....he stopped being just a product. He was no longer just Fifth Batch, Tank 13, Test Subject Alpha 72. He was...he was alive. And at no point during this whole procedure had I really thought through the consequences of my actions. I was bringing a life into this world. Suddenly a number on a bottle of some protein solution became a person with a face.
And we had kind of planned for this. Sort of. We had planned that they would keep a number instead of a name to keep us from becoming too attached. And let me tell you that that plan didn''t work at all. I couldn''t pretend he was a number. I couldn''t pretend he was just a product. He was a person. And that was the end of it.
Suddenly these huge moral questions came into play. This was how he was born, but how was he going to die? I would be handing this...person....this child....my child....a weapon. And he was going to have to kill people. And he was going to have to watch them die. And he was going to have to watch others of his kind die. And for what? For some money in my pocket book?
What reasons would he be sent to fight? After all, the entire premise of the project was an affordable, disposable army. He could be bought and used to fight for any number of purposes. He could be the future instrument of genocide, for all I knew.
And at that moment, I knew I couldn''t let that happen. The project and my pocket book and my job and the rest of it could all burn, for all I cared.
Chapter 5: Growing pains.
July 17:
Rotface''s whole family is super nicety-nice. They say it is their job to be super nice ''cuz the Lich King has said that bein'' nice is what people should do. Runt does not know much about the Lich King, but I think that if he saying ever''body needs to be nice, then he is A-ok. Gratch and them think Temple and the Lich and all that be super dumb.
Plaguefoot is helping me find a Boss-man who can lend me some pacas. Lending is something that Runt has never heard of before, because warboys won''t lend nothing to nobody. If you want something, you buy it yourself. And what''s yours is yours, and what''s mine is mine. That way stuff never gets lost or stolen. So no lending happens with warboys.
Later:
We didn''t find no Pacas. But we found something called Mules. Mules be like super little horsies. I am not sure mules will work. But Rotface tells me for sure that they just as good as Pacas. So in four days, Rotface is gonna pick up a mule in a big four-wheel, and take me to the contest with his son Plaguefoot. Plaguefoot is sayin'' he knows his idea will work for sure.
I feel like I should be paying Rotface for all the help. He says all he wants is for me to be nice to other people.
July 18
So, Runt went to the mega big contest Megacorp be holding. Runt does not think his idea is working that well. The contest is to get this whole load a stuff to the top this suuuuuper steep mountain. Like, there weren''t even no paths to get up! Runt spent all day just looking for a way to get up this big old mountain. Felt so sad, felt almost like cryin lotsa times. Maybe platoon is right. Maybe Runt is just stupid, just dumb little Runt who ain''t no good for nothing.
But then I remember Steelface Rockfist. Can''t give up no matter what. Even if your whole body hurts. Not even if you all stabbed up and beat down and run over with horsies. Gotta keep going and gotta keep trying. Maybe somebody sees Runt trying so hard and decides to help him out. Even if Runt is stupid and small and not-cool, maybe somebody bigger and better and smarter can look at the problem Runt is trying to solve and think ¡°Maybe I aught to help¡±. That way even if I am small and stupid, I helped ''cuz I made somebody better see the problem.
So I make it all the way up the mountain. And by this time it is dark, so Runt can''t even get down again without fallin off some super-steep cliff. So I''ma sleep on top of the mountain with all the mules. Mules is all nice and warm and fuzzy. But I am mega hungry because I didn''t bring nothing to eat. So Runt is super hungry on top of a mountain. But Mules is nice. Runt wishes he had Mules with him all the time.
July 21:
Welp, sun is up, and it is a super-nicety nice day out and it is time for me to go back down the mountain. Is soooooo cool up here on top of the mountian in the morning! So nicetey nice and pretty and Runt can see super super far in every direction! Runt felt mega sad for himself last night, but now he is thinking the whole trip was super-mega-special-awesome, just for this one morning he gets to wake up on this neat mountain!
Later:
I feel super not-cool. Runt was not supposed to spend more than one day on the mountain with the mules. Ever''body was super-super worried about Runt. Rotface''s whole family is here, ''cuz they were mega scared that something had happened to Runt. Megacorp even sent a super-special person to check out the mountain. But then I make it to the bottom of the mountain and ever''body find out I am A-ok after all. And so ever''body wasted a whole lotta time and money on Runt for no reason at all!
I said sorry over and over again, and ever''body seems all ok with it. They say it is good that I am all right. Super-special megacorp guy comes over and he ax''s ¡°Why you spend a whole night on the mountain?¡± And I say it''s ''cuz it was dark by the time I got to the top. If I tried to climb down in the dark, I coulda got killed. And then he ax''s ¡°But why didn''t you turn around before then?¡± And I tell him it''s ''cuz Steelface Rockfist would not have stopped, and I wanna be cool like Steelface Rockfist. And he ax''s who that is . And so I tell him all ''bout Steelface Rockfist, because he was a super-cool warboy, and all Warboys know that if somebody is super-cool, they should be remembered forever and ever.
And this Boss-man ax''s why being cool is so important. Runt cannot believe what he is hearing! How does a Boss-man not know about coolness!?! Coolness is all that matters! Like, after you all dead in the ground and the worms eat ya, how anybody ever gonna remember you if you weren''t cool? Nobody ever remembers somebody who wasn''t cool.
All warboys is scared of this. Without coolness, it''s like life don''t even matter. ''Cuz at the end of it all, you just get dumped in the ground to feed the worms, and soon ever''body forget you ever lived at all! But if you''re cool, ever''body tell stories about you forever and ever! It''s the whole reason Runt writes in his little book, so the book can tell stories about Runt after he is gone! All Warboys know about Coolness.
July 22:
Runt has just seen something super strange! Runt be walking down the street, and he sees this boss-man carrying something real little and all wrapped up in blankets. And Runt gets closer, and the blankets have a little pink face poking out of it! And I be all like "Whoa! What is that!?!" because Runt has never seen it before.
And the Boss-man says "It be a Bayb-E". And I says "Cool. What''s it for?" He laughs and says "It''s a person. It''s going to get bigger and be just like me!" I don''t think I am understanding this at all. So I say "How? Why? Whatcha talkin'' about?" And he tells me all this lies about how boss men are made from Bayb-E''s. I know this is not true, he just making fun of me ''cuz he thinks I am stupid. I be all like "Lies. People come from glass boxes. You live in a glass box filled with water, with all the tubes in you, and you watch the big screen to learn all about words, and listening, and speaking, and math!"
This one boss-man, he be real stupid or real funny, because he says he does not know what I am talking about. I am not sure if he is stupid, so I sit down and explain. When Boss Men need us Warboys, they make a Warboy in a glass box where he can learn the super-super simple stuff.
Runt remembers when he was in the glass box. It be mega-boring in the glass box. Even more boring than hospitals. So you sit and you watch the big-screen that Boss Men give you to watch Cuz if you didn''t then you would just be bored as bored could be. And from the Big Screen, you learn super mega simple stuff like how to talk and how to math and what you were made for, which is fighting. And they teach you this lotsa times, so you remember. And then they take out all the water, which is a mega mega scary thing for all Warboys because if you never been outside the glass box before, you don''t know what to do. Runt remembers this very well. It was so scary having all the water gone and being outside for the first time. And they take you outta the glass box, teach you how to walk, and then you go off to meet your platoon. And you is given your number. And soon, all the warboys forget each-other''s numbers so they start calling each other goofy names like Runt and Gratch and Joker. But I am not telling the Boss-men about the names. We cannot have names.
Then the boss man says Boss Men are made completely different from us Warboys. I sit down and listen because I thinking "Maybe it be true. Maybe their glass box is not glass, maybe it be a metal box! What if their Big Screen that they learn from is inside their metal, not-glass box? Since Warboys and Boss-men are different, maybe they made different!"
But what I hear next tells me that this boss-man is most definitely lying! Is one of the most stupid things Runt has ever ever heard. He says that Boss-Men are made inside other boss-men! That aint even making any sense! Like, if you make a tent or something, you don''t stick something in your butt to grow a tent inside of you. That is just sillyness.
This story originates from a different website. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.But this boss-man then says they don''t come from boss-men, they come from these things called Woo-men, and I be all like "See, you can''t even keep your lies straight! You first say Boss-men come from other boss-men, now you saying it come from some special thing called a woo-man. See, how come Runt never seen no Woo-man before?" And this Boss-man tells me he be a Woo-man, that I been talking to a Woo-man this whole time!
Nope. It be lies. Lies, lies, lies. I walk away from the lying boss-man.
Runt still want''s to know what a Bayb-E is for, if even that name be true. Maybe the name Bayb-E is lies too. Runt is so confused.
Later:
Runt has found the super-cool drummin'' boss man that helped him get to the airfield. Drummin Man is all worried that he is ¡°Come of Age¡± which means he gotta sign the Megacorp Contract, which is this thing all Boss-men gotta sign to say they agree with Megacorp''s rules. If ya don''t agree with the rules, you gotta leave. But it aint ''zactly like bein'' E-Vickted, because they aint gonna tie you up and load you on a fourwheel out to the Borderlands. So that is cool. But Drummin'' man still has to figure out what he wants to do, cuz he aint got no job yet and he don''t know what he wants to work at.
Runt is gonna help him, best way Runt knows how, ''cuz this Boss Man was all super nice and helped Runt when he didn''t even know him all that well. So Runt says ¡°Megacorp pays for your food and stuff if you put on the super-cool clothes and go out to fight Good Guys.¡± And he says he knows. And I say ¡°But you aint found nothing you wanna do, and Runt promises he be all super nicety nice if you do, Boss-man. And you can stay with us and be our Boss-Man and you can do all the super complicated stuff only boss-men know how to do.¡± And he say ¡°Don''t some guy in your platoon already do that stuff, just to say you don''t need boss-men? Unit 216, or somethin?¡± And Runt has to think a minute, but then he understands and says ¡°Oh, you mean Unit 263. Yeah, he wants to make sure we are not run by a Boss-man. But Unit 147 thinks this is a big mistake. Like, Unit 263 thinks all Boss-men are not-cool. But you is super cool, you help people even though you don''t need to or nothin. Unit 263 thinks all Boss-men not be carin'' bout warboys at all. But you do, ''cuz you helped Unit 147 get to the airfield and you help him with his ticket. Do you wanna meet Unit 263 and show him how you helped us with the tickets and the airfield?¡±
And he thinks about it. And he thinks some more. And he sits down. And stands up. And walks around in a circle a couple times. Then he says ¡°Whether or not I become a Boss-Man, I gotta talk to ma parents first.¡± And I ax if I can come with, ''cuz Runt aint got nothing better to do today. And he says it''s fine. And so I come with.
Drummin'' Man''s house is super loud. Like he got real little boss-men runnin around and they is screamin all the time. Drummin Man calls ''em Sisters. And he got two bigger boss men, but they both be super wide with big tummies. These are his Parents, and one he calls Ma and the other is Pa.
Hold up, somethin'' is happenin.
So Ma & and Pa be mega angry at drummin man for not takin'' care of the Sisters. Drummin man seems mega angry for Ma & Pa not tellin'' him to take care of Sisters. Lotsa shouting, lotsa anger. And Runt walks away from all the shoutin'', and he sees a sister in the corner, all cryin'' and sad. And Runt sees this and it makes him mega-sad ''cuz he has cried before and he knows it is not fun. So he sits down and gives Sister a hug, because Rotface says hugs make ever''one feel better. And Sister-man stops cryin and hugs me back. Rotface says a whole lot of funny stuff sometimes, but I think he was right about this. Hugs make people feel better, whether you be a zombie, a robot, a warboy, or whatever.
Drummin'' man ax''s why I''m hugging sister-man. I tell him why. He puts him in bed so he can sleep. Drummin'' man is still super cool. He makes sure sisters all ok, tries & make them smile. He then puts me in bed with Sister-man. Bed is super soft. Beds in the barracks be all hard. But this bed is all raised up. No good for cover. Is no good at all. Feels all open & esposed. Like, if somebody threw a boom-ball through the window, we all be nothin'' but red pulp. Runt thinks that this will not happen. But still. Don''t feel right. Like, what if some good guys see how Runt is makin'' friends with super-cool boss man, and decide they gonna hit his house with boom-tubes? Runt sees this on the big-screen all the time. This is why Warboys always dig holes to sleep in. Sleepin'' in holes is just sense.
So Runt does the only think makes sense. Get''s outta bed, and starts fillin sandbags and starts makin'' his building secure. Makin'' a building secure is something warboys should always do. Like, when you first walk in a building, you check the walls. What are they made of? ''Cuz lotsa boss men make their buildins outta nothing but soft rock and a couple pieces of wood. Like, when warboys get rowdy, somebody ends up hittin'' a wall and putting their fist right through the soft rock. Ain''t no way it ever stops bullets or boom-balls.
When drummin'' man wakes up, I''m gonna ax him why he don''t make his house outta hard rock. Though hard rock may be hard to find. Like, Runt is not knowing how boss-men find these big gray rocks perfectly shaped like houses and buildings. Maybe they be super expensive. Dunno. Gotta fill sandbags now.
July 23
Ma & Pa are really angry that Runt made the buildin secure. Drummin Man says it makes sense, but Boss-men is not really worried that their house is gonna get hit with Rokits or Boom-tubes. Runt thinks this is not cool. Boss-men not seeing the big-screen, where houses get hit with rockits & bullets & boom-tubes all the time! Like, we see it every day! Big-screen says it all the time! But Ma & pa says there ain''t no way it would ever happen here. And Runt says ¡°Why not?¡±. But they can''t find no reason, they just say ¡°Just can''t happen. Won''t happen. Never Gonna happen.¡±
Runt thinks that if you can''t find a reason for why somethin can''t happen, then maybe it means it CAN happen. Drummin'' man says we better go.
We goin to the barracks, Drummin man says he gonna be our Boss-Man!
Later
Gratch is super angry! I am all trying to explain why Drummin man is all super-cool, but Gratch says ¡°no way¡±. Says Boss-men not be carin'' bout warboys at all. He is not carin'' how Drummin man helped Runt, not carin'' bout how Drummin'' man is super smart, not caring about anything I say. Says Boss-men are not-cool. He saying I am Mega-stupid, how I almost got killed by Boss-men, and I STILL like boss-men because I am stupid and little and not-cool. Sayin'' how Boss-men are gonna kill Noog, and how it is my fault, and how Boss-men are not carin'' because that''s just how boss-men are.
Drummin'' man says he understands. He goin'' back to his house now, says he gotta take down all the sandbags.
Later again.
Gratch ax why I sent Noog to Megacorp to get killed. I tell him I didn''t do it, Megacorp took him away all on their own. Kinda. Is still ma fault. If Runt had not gone to the the factory, Noog would not have been taken away. I told the robot that I get a small gun and he get all angry and come and take Noog away. Noog beat me. I did not like Noog.
But Runt remembers when he was all cryin'' in jail, thinkin how he was gonna get shot and gassed just for doin'' his job. Noog was NOT doin'' his job. But doesn''t seem cool to make an''body all scared and thinkin'' they gonna die and then kill ''em so they dumped in the ground so he would never be remembered. Noog was not cool. I still want him here. Runt would not have told megacorp if it means somebody has to sit and wait to get shot. Waitin'' to get shot almost as bad as gettin'' shot.
BONUS CONTENT:
he Ultimate Illusion:
The Illusion of Control is the largest and most widespread misbelief among all mortals. Order creates predictability, and predictability creates the illusion of security. Therefor, mortals believe that to have personal safety, all things must have Order. To have Order, one must have Law. But if One does not wish to follow Law, he will not. And when that One decides to act against Law, it shatters the illusion of Order, and when you shatter the illusion of Order, it shatters the illusion of security. And when the illusion of security is shattered, people become anxious, become nervous. So they decide to reassure themselves with yet more Order, and to have more Order you have more Law. The more Law you have, the easier it becomes to infringe upon it. The easier it is to infringe upon Law, the easier it is to shatter the illusion of Order, shatter the illusion of security, which starts the cycle anew. It is a self-reinforcing illusion, with the result of absolute Law, absolute Order, absolute Control, governed by a single entity which is viewed as infallible and above scrutiny. In short, it is the formula for Tyranny. Thus, the reason Tyranny has not been stamped out is because of people''s desire to control the wider world around them and subject it to Order. But this Order will always be flawed because those who create Order are in themselves flawed. The way to free yourself from this illusion is to not to seek the control of the world around you, for that is futile. The answer is to focus your manipulations inwards towards your own Body, your own Spirit, and your own Mind. For these three things are the only things in this world which you will ever be able to control.
Others will ask the question: How do I prevent adversity?
This is a fallacy, there will always be adversity.
But you, my child, are different. And because you are different, you will ask a different question: When adversity comes, will I be able to challenge it? This is the question you should ask.
When all the mortals of this world follow me, they will release their illusion of control and we will embrace absolute chaos. And only when the world embraces chaos will I ever return.
-The Wisdom of the Lich King
Chapter 1: Harbinger of Chaos.
Chapter 6: Youz in fer it now, boy!
July 24
Noog is back! Runt gives him a big ''ol hug as soon as he sees him! I didn''t think I ever wanted to hug Noog, not ever! I still don''t think I wanna hug Noog! But Noog is back, and he was hugged. He says he is all super sorry for beating Runt and he was all cryin'' and sayin'' sorry bout stealin gunz and ever''thing! He says a super cool boss-man saved him, but it was not Raspy, it was some other super-cool boss man.
Boss man paid lotsa money to get Noog outta jail to make sure he don''t get gassed or shot or nothin''. I gotta tell Drummin Man!
If I ever see Drummin Man again...
Later:
It was Drummin Man! Drummin Man is the super-cool boss man who saved Noog! Drummin Man says he felt all mega sad ''cuz he found out about what happens to Warboys when they break the rules. So Drummin Man paid megacorp lotsa funds to make sure Noog does not get shot and he does not get gassed!
We got just five days left before we gotta hop on the Whoosh-bird out to The Fight. Drummin Man is gonna be on that whoosh bird! Runt is gonna make it happen. Cannot give up. Gotta be like Steelface Rockfist.
Later Again:
Gratch is not believin'' that any Boss-man would just help Noog for nuthin. ''Specially not believin'' that a boss-man would pay funds for a warboy just ''cuz he be super-nicety-nice. But Noog and Runt has talked, and this Boss-man with his yellow hair and his smooth chin and his blue eyes and round ears can''t be nobody other than drummin'' man.
Gratch is all super confused now, ''cuz megacorp don''t ever let nobody out from the jail. They gas warboys in Jail. But there is no way that Raspy let Noog go, ''cuz Raspy ain''t been around for days, and Raspy is all covered in that mask all the time, and he talks all super-slow ''cuz his mask is always makin'' the rasp-rasp sound. And that ain''t what Noog sayin'' this boss-man looked like at all.
So Gratch says that maybe it could''ve been Drummin'' Man after all. Hold up.
July 25
We is at the place where Drummin'' Man is gettin'' his Super Special Clothes. So much has happened and Runt has to write and write and write.
So when I was writin'' in ma little writin'' book last night and Gratch walks up to Runt and says "We got a Job." and Runt is thinkin'' this be one of those Commissions that the Letter of Mark gives us. So I is all super sad. But then Gratch says we are going to Drummin'' Mans house. And so is Runt''s job to take the whole platoon to Drummin'' Man''s house. Gratch got the whole platoon together! The whole platoon is, like, a lot! More then ten!
So Runt has got a whole platoon of warboys following him for the first time ever! And the whole platoon has their guns out and their clothes on and they is all dressed up and lookin'' like they be ready to go into a fight! And Gratch has them all formed up like we is in drillin''. And the platoon takes up a whole street, and everybody be gettin'' all scared and getting out of our way because there is nobody better at fighting in fights and nobody wants to be around when warboys start fighting.
And we march right up to Drummin'' Mans house and Gratch says "This is where he lives?" And Runt is all like "Yup yup yup, this is Drummin'' Man''s house!" And Gratch looks around and he says "It aint secure. A boom tube would wreck this place real fast." And Runt does not say nothin'' because he knows this is true. And Gratch says "Seems like this boss-man be super stupid if he aint making his building secure." And Runt says "He can learn, I think. And he is a Boss-man, and Boss-men think other boss-men is always cooler than warboys. Drummin'' Man can make sense of all the silly things Boss-men do, like little slips of paper that are takin a whole year to make a whoosh-bird go. I bet he can help us lots and lots."
And Gratch is lookin'' and lookin'' and lookin'' at this buildin'' made of soft rock, and I think he is thinkin'' that maybe Drummin'' man aint so smart, that maybe he can''t help us at all. And then Gratch pulls his hand back and makes it all fisty-like, and busts down the door in one swing. And there is a loud yell inside the house, and Drummin'' Mans Super-Wide-Big-Bellied Ma comes out and he is all seeing a big platoon of warboys all ready for a fight. And he yells again, all loud and scared.
And then Drummin'' Man''s Super-Wide-Big-Bellied Pa comes out, and he axs "Why''d you break ma door!?" And Gratch says " I just Nocking, which is how you get folks inside to come outside." And the Pa says "But you broke the door!" And Gratch says "Door broke because door is weak. You built it all wrong. Door broke Cuz Your buildin'' aint secure.
And this Pa says "You broke My door cuz my buildin aint secure?" And Gratch stops and thinks for a minute and he says. "Nope. We nocked ''cuz we need a bossman. Are you the one hittin'' buckets with sticks?" And this bossman looks at all the warboys all ready for a fight and he looks all scared and he starts yellin'' these words like "Jay Sun! Jay Sun! Boy these Warboys is here to take you away! You get them away from here! You makin trouble and you is E-vikted and the warboys is here to take you away!"
I do not know what "Jay Sun" means I am thinkin'' that these bossmen is usin the words "Jay Sun" for a way to say "Get-over-here" because everbody knows that bossmen are silly and making ten different words for every one thing they come across. Like how they say "Walkin" and "Jurney" and "Voy AJ" are all meaning the same thing. Warboys is simple and it is their simpleness that makes them better cuz we just have one word for everything and that makes it easier. So "Jay Sun": is prolly just more bossmen sillyness. Because Runt knows for sure that "Boy" is just another word for a smaller Bossman so that is for sure just bossmen sillyness.
But so we wait for a quick time and then Drummin'' Man comes up to the door and I wave because I am all happy because he is gonna be our Bossman. And he says "Hi Delta 147." but before I can say Hi Gratch says "I am not 147, I am Delta 263, and this is ma platoon which is the best platoon there ever was, and we gonna be the best platoon after this for ever and ever" and Drummin'' Man looks at him and dont really say nothin.
And the superbigwidebellied Pa says "You in for it now boy. You got the warboys called on us Cuz of your Drummin and I told you you better get a real job but you never did and now the Warboys is here to take you away." But Gratch is not listening to superbigwidebellied Pa, he just say to Drummin Man "Did you get Delta 128 out of the Jail to make sure he did not get gassed?" And Drummin Man seems to think about it and he say "Is it wrong? I did not like to think that he might get killed just for stealing. That does not seem ok" And the whole platoon starts lookin at each other and for sure woulda started talkin if they had not been all formed up like they were.
But Gratch says "Why is you thinkin you gotta take time for us warboys? Nobody ever cares about warboys but Raspy. Most bossmen don''t even let us walk in their buildings, they all kickin us out and sayin we too rowdy and stuff." And Drummin Man says "Well, everbody say you too dumb to think on your own, but I don''t believe things unless I see those things. And I see Warboys who are able to talk and walk and they don''t seem to have no trouble thinkin so I dont believe those people who say warboys are any less smart then Bossmen"Unauthorized usage: this tale is on Amazon without the author''s consent. Report any sightings.
But then Superbigwidebellied Pa says "You warboys shoot folks for no reason at all! You kill little boys and girls! Aint no reason for that!" And Gratch says "Lies. We aint good guys, you is lying! We just doin what we been told to do by our bossmen. The bossmen say hittin folks who aint hit you first is wrong and folks like that need to be stopped so you shoot them. And we see some folks hittin people who aint hit them first and we shoot them like we is supposed to. But sometimes Bossmen just be gettin all upset for doing what we been told to do. But then other times we do what we been told to do and people is just fine with it. So is it cool or is it not-cool? You bossmen just take warboys away to get gassed for just doin their jobs when it is the bossmen who are not makin sense!"
And Runt is gettin all sorts a scared because if Bossmen get angry enough they can have warboys gassed, and Gratch seems to be gettin this bossman all angry, but Gratch does not seem to be carin at all! And the Pa just keep sayin stuff and he is yellin now.
"You kill Boys and Girls! Aint no reason for it!" And Gratch says "You keep sayin Boys and Girls like they is somehow different. Boys, Girls, Woomen, and Men, they is all Bossmen aint they? You say all Bossmen are the same but you got diffrent words for different bossmen! When you talk about Right and Wrong you''s always sayin'' that all bossmen are the same, that nobody gets treated different! So which is it? Are they the same or are they different? Do we shoot them when they hit folks or dont we? Warboys is all about doin what they been told, but what you tellin us is makin no sense!"
And Drummin Man says "You are not seeing a difference in boys and girls and men?" And Gratch is all "How can we? What is the difference? And anyways, you sayin all Bossmen is Equal which is a silly name that means The Same and if y''all is the same, then it don''t matter who it is because you is all the same, aint you?"
And Drummin man don''t answer this at all, he is just sitting all quiet like. So then he says "I am seeing the problem here. Does megacorp teach you what children are?" And Gratch says "Is it another kind of Bossman?" And Drummin man thinks and says "No. Children aint the boss of anybody. They haven''t learned anything yet. How can you be the boss of somebody if you don''t know nothing?" And Gratch thinks of this and he says "We get these sometimes! Bossmen who aint knowing nothing about nothing! Bossmen who is super dumb and getting warboys killed for no reason!"
And Drummin Man thinks of this and he says "I do not think these are children. Children are things that aint grown, so they are not as tall as me and other bossmen." And Gratch says "Whatcha mean, aint grown? You mean they all little and not-grown like Delta 147?" And Drummin man says "No, I mean like if you give them time, they get bigger and smarter. They aint finished growing yet. Like, think about yourself. When you think as early as you can remember, way way long time ago, weren''t you smaller, and not as smart? That''s what I mean by children." And Gratch says "Earliest I can remember is in the Glass Box, Bossman."
And Now Drummin man is all confused about the glass box. It is hard to write everthing down when it all happened yesterday. But Drummin Man does not know nothing about Glass Boxes. I am guessing he does not remember his Glass Box. This happens sometimes. Runt forgets a lot of things. Nothing as big as the Glass Box, but lotsa things all the same. But he says he has come of age, and he aint knowing what to do with hisself. And superbigwidebellied Pa is all sayin "Get lost" and stuff. So he is coming with us to be our bossman. And so then we has to take him to the Dark Tower so he can get his super special clothes.
And soon he is axin'' "Where we goin''? The air field aint this way!" And Gratch is all like "We gotta get you your clothes!" And Drummin'' Man is mega confused and he says "I got clothes on me." And I say "Well yeah silly, if you didn''t then you would be nekkid. But we gotta get you your super special clothes that make you ultra tuff and mega cool so you aint so squishy all the time!" And he is thinkin'' about this and he does the normal boss-man thing, which is to make everything more complicated then it needs to be.
So he says "You mean arm or?" And this of course is super confusin ''cuz that is just how boss-men are. And I am all axin like "Arms or what, boss-man? Whatcha talkin'' bout? " And he says "The Super Special clothes that make me tougher. It is called Arm Or." Of course they got a special name for the special clothes. They always got more names for ever''thing then they need. This is why warboys is better. We is simpler, and not makin'' things harder then they need to be.
So we go to Dark Tower of Ominousness, and now Gratch turns to me and says that I got a super special job that only I can do. All Bossmen have things called Dock-You-Mens that let them know who is supposed to do something and when they supposed to do it. Dock-You-Mens are little pieces of paper written by a super-special person tellin'' folks what needs to happen and why it is A-Ok. It is my job to write Dock-You-Mens for Drummin Man so that he can get his super special clothes, and if I don''t then it will take too long and we will miss our whoosh-bird to the Borderlands. And I am thinking that I cannot write Dock-You-Mens because I am not super special, I am only little old Runt. But Gratch says that I don''t need to tell them I am Runt.
And this is lying. This is lying to Boss-men, which can get you sent to the death-box where you get gassed till you stop twitchin. But Gratch is telling me that we lie all the time. We is always lying by sayin we don''t have names, that we only have numbers. We cannot even remember each other''s numbers half the time, but we still lying and still saying we got no names. And if we want a Boss-man who cares about us, then we gotta lie so that we can get to work and get paid and do not get thin and bony and starve. So Runt is takin a page out of his writing book and he is lying on paper with Dock-You-Mens so that our super cool Boss-man can take care of us and make sure we is getting what we is needing. And we give them the Dock-You-Mens, and we all super scared because if they find out we lying then we could all get sent to the Death Box. And we wait and we wait and it is the hardest thing ever because we do not know if they found out we lying or what. But then they say it is A-Ok, that Drummin'' Man can get his "Arm Or".
And Now Drummin Man is getting his super special clothes fitted and we is all happy because we did not get caught lying and we is goin'' to the Borderlands far away from the Death Box and into the Fight. Runt is still scared of the Fight, still remembers Hurt Boys missing whole arms & legs. But if Megacorp wants you gone, then you will be gone and there aint nothing you can do about it. At least in the Fight you got a chance of living long enough to make sure ever''body knows how cool you were and you get a chance to be remembered forever.
Later:
Super borin waitin time is over. Now we got Drummin man all sleepy-like cuz the super special clothes does that to boss men. Runt is not sure how clothes is makin'' folks super sleepy, but the Boss-men is sayin that he is on "Sedidives" and shouldn''t be drivin nothin for awhile. I am thinkin that "Sedidives" is another boss-men word for stretchers, because he is on a stretcher right now, but he aint on anything else that I can see.
BONUS CONTENT:
Log of Fiatchra Fachtna #3:
I am happy to report that I am recieving a small bonus commission for recruiting a new member to the Megacorp team. Jason Blackburn has taken command of Regiment 333''s Delta Platoon, installed with the rank of Knave with the official task of repossession of owed goods, enforcement of contract, and contract breach deterrence. He has forgone the formal probationary period of Ruffian under unusual circumstances, as Horus Smith of KenetiKill Industries has vouched for his sponsor, the enigmatic pigmy troll 147. Yes, the very same little guy who got himself lost on the mountainside.
More interesting is why Horus vouched for Unit 147. Delta 147 apparently has 5,000 funds in his account, winnings from the nation-wide megacorp "Improved Logistics Initiative", which means the ludicris mule idea actually frakking worked. What''s more, Delta 147 never actually bothered to pick up his award money, meaning that we had to set up an account for him to avoid some fool calling us swindlers and thieves.
The whole ordeal has been a bit of a flustercluck from the beginning. Jason never actually called me to confirm he was joining the Megacorp team, he just asked questions and he never got back to us. But this morning I was woken up by Lair Medical Bay''s head doctor asking about one Jason Blackbourne, dragged in by a platoon of warboys and looking thoroughly confused. They were handed a rather poorly hand-written note saying that "Missus Flowers says it is Ok for this man to have Arm Or so he can be really tuff and fight in the fight."
While all of us sincerely doubt that any one of them have ever met Austeja Darkflower, we won''t begrudge them for being mistaken. Warboys are hardly the most intelligent things on the planet after all. The fascinating part is that they seem to be emulating our own documents, in their own primitive way.
Suffice to say we resolved the situation by extracting the necessary 4,400 funds from Unit 147''s account to pay for the Mk XIII Balrog-class power armor and the necessary surgical procedures needed to integrate his nervous system and biological functions with the suit. We are wishing young Jason the best of luck, forwarding him a field manual on the care of his PT-DRVG Troopers, and hoping that he achieves promotion to the rank of Bastard.
Chapter 7: How do things work?
July 26:
Runt has got a few days to say goo''bye to all the super nicety nice people who have helped him. So I am going to the factory to say bye to the Robot who was all worried about Runt gettin'' the right Gun. And I am going to Rotface''s house to thank him for the mules and the nice times at the big Temple with all the Singin''. And he is going to go to the range again with Joker to shoot the big gun with the bullets that go boom and hear him talk about all sorts of funny things so we can laugh together.
Later:
Joker is not sad at all to see Runt go away to the fight. Joker is never sad about nothing, and Runt wishes he could be like Joker, who is always smiling all the time. Runt is happy that he got to see Joker again, because Joker said all sorts of silly stuff that made Runt laugh. He all talkin'' like Runt is gonna be the coolest warboy ever, like how they gonna make big statues of him under the Dark Tower of Ominousness just like they do with Boss-men that they think are super important. Then he goes on like I am gonna be so cool that they will start listening to me like they listen to other boss-men, and Runt was laughing so hard he couldn''t breath for awhile. Then he finds this hat that somebody left lying around and puts it on and starts pretending to be Super-Special-Runt tellin'' ever''body how to do their jobs and just being all sorts of silly. It was a super-cool time, and ax''d him which Platoon he is part of, which is Zulu Platoon. But he is in Regiment 299, not part of Lone Ranger''s platoon. So I am writing that down. Hopefully Runt will be able to find him some day when we is not bein commissioned for Letters of Mark.
Warboy 53 "Joker", Zulu Platoon, Regiment 299
July 27:
Runt has gone to the factory and is seeing the Robot. His name is Mister Horus, and he is all super happy that he got to help out little old Runt. Runt is not telling mister Horus that Noog is not getting gassed. Mister Horus is very interesting. He is all super nice, but he is also very much making sure that ever''thing is workin'' exactly the way it should. So he would probably make sure that Noog would be gassed because that is the way things should be workin.
Mister Horus has ways of making sure his factory works right, so we get all the guns we need. He says if the whole wide world were run like a factory, nobody would ever be getting thin and bony and starving. He is making sure zombies and boss-men who get stuff done is always getting paid more then those who aint doing so much. That way ever''body works harder so that that they can get more money. Runt is thinking this makes very much sense, ''cuz ever''body loves money. Runt has never met nobody who doesn''t want money before.
This is what the Good Guys call "Greed." Runt is not seeing why Good Guys hate greed so much. Runt is mega greedy all the time, and always wants money so he can buy the super cool guns. And bullets. More bullets is always better.
But Runt then thinks of Noog. And he ax''s Mister Horus "If people stealing, do you think they should be killed?" And Horus looks at Runt for a little bit and he says "NO! You can''t kill folks just for stealing. If a boss-man or a zombie is found stealing, I think they should be fired! Not killed." And now Runt is all super scared. "You think they should be lit on fire!?"
Warboys HATE fire. Fire is scary and it burns all super much and hurts like nothing else! But Mister Horus says "No! No, no, no! I mean they should be fired! They should lose their jobs!" And Runt is still a bit scared but also confused and says "So you think they should be lit on fire, or you think they should lose their jobs, or you think they should be killed? Or all three?"
And he says "No! NOT killed, and NOT lit on fire. Just lose their jobs!" And he goes on about how that would just be mean. And so Runt ax''s him why he said folks should get lit on fire. But of course, he is just making things more complicated, saying that fire is another word for not-workin, not-gettin-paid. Runt thinks fire is just fire, and that it hurts and burns.
So the boss-men don''t think that other boss-men need to be gassed. Just us warboys. This is just like the Glass-box says: Warboys are not so important. We get turned to red-pulp, so that other folks would not have to get turned to red-pulp. Runt thinks about this, and he thinks that it would be mega-sad to see Rotface or Mister Horus die.
I think it was super sad to think Noog was gonna die, and Noog was all mega-mean and never bein'' nice. How much worse would it be for a Boss-man to die? Runt cannot even be thinkin of more sadness then Noog dyin'', and Runt did not even like Noog. Runt was thinkin'' that Noog was the most not-cool, mega-mean warboy ever! I would even think to myself that Noog was as not-cool as the Good Guys who shoot at us! I would think to myself "Noog should not have come from a glass-box, he should be from over the borderlands where all the Good Guys and He-rows come from! He cannot be comin'' from the Glass-box like little old Runt."
So if that''s how I felt about Noog getting turned to Red Pulp, then how much worse could it be if it happened to Boss-men? Runt is not even wanting to think about that. Us warboys is made to die, made so that nobody shoots at the Boss-men and the Zombies and the Robots. Runt has seen The Fight when he was in the Glass-box. All warboys see what The Fight is like when they in the Glass Box. The Glass Box shows us The Fight so we is ready to shoot Good Guys when they shoot at us. The Fight is like all sorts of people yelling and shooting and getting whole arms and legs shot off. And it IS mega-sad when they get turned to Red Pulp. They try so hard to keep livin'' for just a few more heartbeats, they all axin'' if they can live just a little longer, and it is never happening. Their friends say they gonna get through it, and they never do
So it is always mega sad to see The Fight and seeing all the folks who are no longer here because they got shot. But Runt has always thought that even if he could have saved just one of those boss-man, it might be ok being super small, super wimpy.
Later:
Drummin man has woken up! He is off his stretcher, and he is feeling hurt. I am all axin'' why. So, some other boss-men had to cut him open to put on his super-cool-clothes. And I ax him if the Grey Guys did it. He ax''s who the grey guys are. And I tell him all about how Grey Guys is always helpin'' folks, never shootin'' nobody, always putting them to sleep and fixing their hurts just because they is nicety nice.
Runt is still kind of scared of the Grey Guys. They is just so strange, and speak in your head without really talkin'' at all! They is always helpin'' ever''body, but they got these big black eyes that look at you all funny-like. They put you to sleep and cut you open, but they do it in a way that is better, that makes your hurt go away.
He says the Grey Guys are Aly-Uns. And no Aly-Uns were cutting on Drummin'' Man, just other Boss-men. He says the Grey Guys would never help anybody get super-special-clothes because they do not like hurting folks. Runt is not understanding how super-special-clothes hurt folks. But Drummin'' Man says they are Passy Fists, which means that they will never ever do anything they think might hurt anybody. They not even hurting Good Guys, not even folks who start shooting up the place ''cuz they don''t like folks. And since they know Boss-men will use super-special-clothes in the fight against Good Guys, they won''t help make it or help use it. They are only here to make folks better, make their hurt go away. And they are the bestest at makin'' hurt go away, just like warboys are the bestest at fighting in fights.
So then I am all axin'' why Drummin'' Man hurts and why Boss-men need to draw red lines on him with knives while he is asleep. And Drummin Man says all this stuff about how the Super-special-clothes are so super-special that they need to be able to read your thoughts. Like, the clothes are so heavy, no boss-men would be able to lift them without help, so they got motors in them! Clothes with motors! Motors like you find in Four-Wheels & Big Tracks! So the clothes read your thoughts so the motors do what you want them to do, like lift your arm or kick your feet.
Wow. Runt wishes he had a set of super-special clothes now. Clothes with motors sounds so cool. Would stop ALL the bullets real good, and he would be as strong as Gratch! Maybe even stronger!
July 28
Runt is at Rotface''s house to say goodbye to him, and the temple, and his wife and his sun, whos names are Pusgut and Plaguefoot. So we all go to the temple together. And the Boss-man in black clothes is all making a big deal of this, hoping The Lich King will use his super cool powers to make sure I get through The Fight all right. Then all the zombies in the Temple agree that they are hoping I get through all right. And so many zombies there were! I have never had so many people wishing for little old Runt before. Zombies who don''t even know me are hoping I make it through and that I will be A-ok. Zombies are so nice, to be wishing that somebody they don''t even know is gonna be alright. Runt cannot be seeing why Gratch and them are all thinking the Temple is stupid. Runt thinks the Temple is super cool.
Then on the ride back, Plaguefoot ax''s me if I could come with him to see his Big Track! Big Tracks are mega neat, even if they cannot get everywhere we are wanting them. They have this big old gun on the top that shoots these bullets that blow up everything real nice. So I say that I do wanna see his Big Track.
And so when we get back, he shows me. But this Big Track is not so big. It is so not-big, it seems like Runt when he is standing next to Gratch or Noog! Seems super small, super wimpy! And I am saying "This is not like other Big Tracks I have seen. Those are real big, and this aint even the size of a Four Wheel.
And Plaguefoot tells me "This is why it will work! Is not so big! It won''t get stuck! Won''t get stuck in the muck, and it will be able to come with you everywhere!" And Runt is not sure this is true. I say "How can you tell? What makes it different?" And Plaguefoot tells me all this stuff about how the tracks are fatter, how they make the heaviness go away so that it does not get stuck in the mud. Runt is not sure he understands this. He also tells me that because it is not so big, it is not so heavy. Runt understands this part just fine. Small things are not so heavy.
But Runt is still not knowing about this. He says "But where is the gun?" And Plaguefoot says it aint for blowin stuff up, it is just for carrying things here and there. Runt says "Pacas can get through muck just fine. Why do we need a little Big Track?" And Plaguefoot is not liking this at all. He says "Pacas might get shot! What if your paca gets shot and you have to leave all your stuff behind?" Runt did not think about this. Pacas might get shot. And so he says "Can this little Big Track be shot? Would it still work?" And Plaguefoot says "I think it can. Lets take it out and try!"
And so we take out Plaguefoot''s little Big Track, and Runt is gonna shoot at it with lotsa bullets.
Later
Bullets are not hurting Plaguefoot''s little Big Track. Bullets hurt Runt though. Runt shot lotsa times, and they all go PING PING PING PING off the Big Track. But one bounced back and hit Runt in the leg. So now his leg hurts lots. But we know that Plaguefoot''s idea works, so that is cool. And I am all telling him this, telling him that his idea works. He is happy, and also sad. Runt did not know somebody could be both at the same time.
But then I find out that somebody else won Megacorp''s big contest. And there can only ever be one winner. So no big Prize for Plaguefoot. I think this is also super sad, and tell him that I would take his little big track with me any time.
And Rotface starts talkin from behind Runt which is super spooky because I was not knowing Rotface was there at all. And Rotface says that it is super cool that Runt thinks Plaguefoots idea be workin'', ''cuz lotsa folks do not think Zombies are smart enough to build anything. Lotsa folks think that all zombies are just dumb because zombies think the Lich King is real and think that he was super cool.
But then I gotta go, gotta get back to my platoon and say goo''bye to Rotface and Plaguefoot and Pusgut. I tell them how fun it was, and how I hope to see them again!
June 29
So Drummin'' Man is now making sure everybody has all their stuff packed and ready to go on the Whoosh Bird. This is really easy, because warboys never have more than they can carry. This is the best way to live, by not having so much. But you need lotsa money, to make sure if you don''t have something, you can get it wherever you be. So Drummin Man is having an easy time. Most times Drummin Man is having trouble remembering everyone''s numbers. This is why we have names, even when we are not supposed to. I kinda feel sad for Drummin Man because he is not a warboy, and he does not get to find out our super secret names. He always remembers my number though. He makes Runt feel super special, ''cuz Drummin Man can''t remember very many numbers, but he always remembers mine. He is always axin'' Gratch lots and lots of questions. This is because Gratch follows him everywhere. I do not think Gratch thinks Drummin Man is very smart.
Hold up.
Later:
Drummin Man is now Axin'' ever''body what kind of guns they got. And we all telling him what kinds, but he is not understanding at all. He is using Boss-men talk, and we are using warboy talk, and it is not working so well.
The biggest problem of all is that lots of guns use different bullets even when they are the same kind of gun. So if I got a gun that shoots super fast, it is the same as the some other warboy''s gun which also shoots super fast. But his bullets might be bigger, so my gun will break if you try and use his bullets in my gun. Support the author by searching for the original publication of this novel.
So now Drummin Man is trying to figure out who has which guns, trying to make sure we all get the bullets we need. Why do we not just buy more bullets when we need them?
Hold up.
Later again:
So now Drummin Man has ax''d me and Noog to write down all the numbers of all the warboys in the whole platoon. And we is supposed to write down the gun and "caliber" of the gun. The caliber is what size of bullets the gun uses. He says it is best for most warboys to use the same caliber, that way if one warboy needs bullets, another warboy can give him bullets to use. This is making much sense. This way, I can buy the bullets I need from any warboy in the whole platoon! Drummin Man is so smart!
But first, we gotta see who has which gun. And not just which Gun, but the caliber of each gun. Me and Noog get this job because I know how to read, and Noog knows all the numbers of all the Warboys in the platoon. Noog is really good with numbers.
Noog is telling me that we gotta list each warboy by his number. This is making sense, because Drummin Man cannot know our names. But Runt will write the names in his little book, because Delta Platoon is the Best, and Gratch wants the warboys of Delta Platoon to be remembered. Now is a good time to write down all the warboys of Delta Platoon. Noog is also telling me that we should write their guns in here just in case Drummin Man loses the piece of paper with all the Warboy guns on it.
But the names might be spelled wrong. I would ax how to spell their names, but no warboys in the platoon but me know how to write, so they is not knowin'' how to spell their names either. Some is words I have seen so I am knowing how to spell ''em. Others not so much. Oooh, but Noog is pointing me to a catalog from which the boss-men name their silly things so we is knowing where the warboy names is comin'' from so I just have to look some up. Lots of warboys name each other for the silly words the boss-men have. Like, boss-men have a bazillion words for long knives. Which they are calling sords (but is saying it is spelled "S-word") and they are still saying that there are different KINDS of s-words and they are saying that Stabbin'' Sticks is being called Spears (But is said "Speers") when they is just sticks with bits of sharp metal put on top ...see, this is why warboys is better. Boss-men is crazy.
The List of all Warboys in Delta Platoon of Regiment 333
Delta 101
Name: Ace
Gun: KenetiKill Annihilator submachine gun
Caliber: .30x30mm
Delta 102
Name: Froch
Gun: Kenetikill Hunter/killer assault rifle
Caliber: 4.88x40mm
Delta 103
Name: Juicebox
Gun: KenetiKill Annihilator Submachine Gun
Caliber: .30x30mm
Delta 104
Name: Harts
Gun: KenetiKill Annihilator Submachine Gun
Caliber: .30x30mm
Delta 105
Name: Barbz
Gun: KenetiKill Hunter/killer Assault Rifle
Caliber: 4.88x40mm
Delta 106
Name: Boots
Gun: KenetiKill Annihilator Submachine Gun
Caliber: .30x30mm
Delta 107
Name: Bane
Gun: KenetiKill Survival Rifle
Caliber: 7.7x40mm
Delta 108
Name: Maul
Gun: Kenetikill High-Angle/Indirect Munitions Projector
Caliber: 37x100mm
Delta 109
Name: Scrub
Gun: KenetiKill Annihilator Submachine Gun
Caliber: .30x30mm
Delta 110
Name: Tag
Gun: KenetiKill Annihilator Submachine Gun
Caliber: .30x30mm
Delta 111
Name: Flare
Gun: KenetiKill Hunter/killer Assault Rifle
Caliber: 4.88x40mm
Delta 112
Name: Razor
Gun: KenetiKill Survival Rifle
Caliber: 7.7mmx40mm
Delta 113
Name: Weezy
Gun: KenetiKill Annihilator Submachine Gun
Caliber: .30x30mm
Delta 114
Name: Paco
Gun: KenetiKill Annihilator Submachine Gun
Caliber .30x30mm
Delta 115
Name: Biggs
Gun: KenetiKill Annihilator Submachine Gun
Caliber: .30x30mm
Delta 116
Name: Wicked
Gun: KenetiKill Annihilator Submachine Gun
Caliber: .30x30mm
Delta 117
Name: Spook
Gun: KenetiKill Ultimate Defense Shotgun
Caliber: 20 gauge
Delta 118
Name: Smoker
Gun: kenetiKill Annihilator Submachine Gun
Caliber: .30x30mm
Delta 119
Name: Doc
Gun: KenetiKill Annihilator Submachine Gun
Caliber 30x30mm
Delta 120
Name: Twenny
Gun: KenetiKill Hunter/killer Assault Rifle
Caliber 4.88x40mm
Delta 121
Name: Goldin
Gun: KenetiKill Annihilator Submachine Gun
Caliber: 30x30mm
Delta 122
Name: Cog
Gun: KenetiKill Ultimate Defense Shotgun
Caliber: 20 gauge
Delta: 123
Name: Grom
Gun: KenetiKill Hunter/killer Assault Rifle
Caliber: 4.88x40mm
Delta 124
Name: My-tee
Gun: Kenetikill Light Squad Automatic Weapon
Caliber: 7.7mmx40mm
Delta 125
Name: Supa Tee
Gun:KenetiKill Survival Rifle
Caliber: 7.7mmx40mm
Delta 126
Name: Seax (Said "Sax")
Gun: KenetiKill Annihilator Submachine Gun
Caliber: 30x30mm
Delta 127
Name: Katana {he is saying it said "ka-taw-na")
Gun: KenetiKill Hunter/killer Assault Rifle
Caliber: 4.88x40mm
Delta 128
Name: Flamberge
Gun: KenetiKill Hunter/killer Assault Rifle
Caliber: 4.88x40mm
Delta 129
Name: Flayer
Gun: KenetiKill Annihilator Submachine Gun
Caliber: 30x30mm
Delta: 130
Name: Dredd
Gun: KenetiKill Annihilator Submachine Gun
Caliber: 30x30mm
Delta 131
Name: Prowl
Gun: KenetiKill Annihilator Submachine Gun
Caliber: 30x30mm
Delta 132
Name: Bedlem
Gun: KenetiKill Annihilator Submachine Gun
Caliber: 30x30mm
Delta 135
Name: Bubba
Gun: KenetiKill Survival Rifle
Caliber: 7.7mmx40mm
Delta 133
Name: Cutlass
Gun: KenetiKill Annihilator Submachine Gun
Caliber: 30x30mm
Delta 134
Name: Clobber
Gun:KenetiKill Ultimate Defense Shotgun
Caliber: 20 gauge
Delta 136
Name: Concussion (But is said "Kon-kushin")
Gun: KenetiKill Annihilator Submachine Gun
Caliber: 30x30mm
Delta 137
Name: Rapier (Said "Ray-peer")
Gun: KenetiKill Survival Rifle
Caliber: 7.7mmx40mm
Delta 138
Name: Grit
Gun: KenetiKill Annihilator Submachine Gun
Caliber: 30x30mm
Delta 139
Name: Ethos
Gun:KenetiKill Hunter/killer Assault Rifle
Caliber: 4.88x40mm
Delta 140:
Name: Brute
Gun: KenetiKill Annihilator Submachine Gun
Caliber: 30x30mm
Delta: 141
Name: Girly
Gun: KenetiKill Annihilator Submachine Gun
Caliber: 30x30mm
Delta 142
Name: Whiskey
Gun: Kenetikill Light Squad Automatic Weapon
Caliber: 7.7mmx40mm
Delta 143
Name: Frag
Gun: KenetiKill Annihilator Submachine Gun
Caliber: 30x30mm
Delta 144
Name: Skorch
Gun: KenetiKill Handheld flame projector
Caliber: Adhesive Fuel Mixture #2
Delta 145
Name: Scout
Gun: KenetiKill Survival Rifle
Caliber: 7.7mmx40mm
Delta 146
Name: Noog
Gun: KenetiKill Annihilator Submachine Gun
Caliber: 30x30mm
Delta 147
Name: Runt (Duh)
Gun: Kenetikill Last Stand Subcompact Crew Defense Weapon
Caliber: 4.5x30mm
Delta 148
Name: Fury (Is said "Fyer-eee", not furry)
Gun: Kenetikill High-Angle/Indirect Munitions Projector
Caliber: 37x100mm
Delta 149
Name: Berzerk
Gun: Kinetikill Annihilator Submachinegun
Caliber: 30x30mm
Delta 263
Name: Gratch
Gun: Kenetikill Squad Heavy Assault Weapon
Caliber: 4.88x40mm
BONUS CONTENT
Congratulations!!!
Hello, and good morning Sun Wek. It is now your Designated Awakening at precisely 6:00 AM. On behalf of all goodly folk everywhere, we would like to remind you that you are a valued and precious member of our perfect society. We would like to thank you for who you are and all that you do! Please, we beg you to take a moment and evaluate your spiritual well-being. If you are not completely assured that you belong to a tolerant, caring, and loving society, we encourage you to pick up your phone and partake in morning confession with members of the Happy Togetherness Club. We love you very much, and it would be a shame to see any member of our enlightened community partaking in anti-revolutionary thought patterns. Remember that compassion for others is required to maintain the warm and caring utopia you enjoy every day. If you are indeed assured that you are a valued and precious member of our loving community, please feel free to forgo the confession and instead join us in our daily prayer to Clarice Appleby.
Dear Goddess Appleby, we are your children in the great family of Good Guys and heroes, and every day we endeavor to be as caring and compassionate as you. We pray that you remind us forever and always the basic truths necessary for the existence of utopia.
Congratulations Sun Wek for your graduation of Cultural Understanding & Tolerance Program! This means that you are now a productive member of the United Nation of Good Guys and Heroes! We are happy to announce that your Eugenics Score of 2 and Intelligence Quotient of 115 make you uniquely qualified for the position of Peace Keeper. You will be leaving the school via lev-train at 6:45 AM for Secondary eduction : Ethics on the Lawful Use of Force located in Sunshineville in the Utopia District.
We assure you that this position in society has been chosen to fit your unique needs as an individual. You could not possibly be any happier in any position other than that which society has generously supplied to you. We implore you to remember that whatever your Eugenics score, Intelligence Quotient, or Position, you are an instrumental to the success of the United Nation of Good Guys and Heroes, and that makes you a hero in your own special way!
Congratulations!!!
Sun Wek, we are happy to announce that you have completed the Secondary Education : Ethics on the Lawful Use of Force Program with the passing score of Excellent!!! A passing score of Excellent means that you will be transferred to Tertiary Education : Special Education on Extra-territorial Operations. This means that your role in the United Nation of Good Guys and Heroes is now registered as Classified : Level 1. Because of your new role in our perfect world, you now have access to restricted information that is withheld for the greater good of society. Any information titled Classified : Level 1 is only to be shared with personnel who have proper clearance. Please board the lev-train at 2:00 AM so that you may be transferred to your new residence at Information Classified : Clearance Level 2 Required.
Chapter 8: into the fire.
July 1:
We is on the Whoosh-bird! We is goin'' to the fight! And Drummin Man is here and he has made sure all of us warboys have good guns. Except me. I got my dumb little wimpy gun. Not as dumb as the last gun I had, but still small, still wimpy. Drummin'' Man is saying that the size of my bullets is all wrong, and that nobody else in the platoon has bullets like mine. That means that no other warboys have bullets that fit in my gun. This is super sucky because more bullets is always better. Runt will need another gun. Means he will have to buy another gun. But I just bought this gun! Is not cool! Is dumb! I bought a better gun just to find out the bullets are all wrong!
Oooh! But Runt has got another writing book. But he still has no name, because warboys have no names. Not like Drummin Man, who has a name that us warboys are not allowed to know. So Runt is still Unit 147 of Delta Platoon. And Drummin Man is still whatever his name be. And Runt will never know Drummin Man''s name because Drummin Man is the most super special awesome boss man I have known.
Except for probably Raspy because Raspy saved Runt from the Death Box. But Drummin Man is most definitely better than even the Liberry Man who let Runt take a book home for seven whole days.
But yeah. Drummin'' Man is one of the bestest boss-men I have known and Runt will never learn his name because Runt does not wish to be taken by the Good Guys and made to talk about the things that he knows. And if you don''t know nothing, you can''t tell anything to the super stupid Good Guys. And if I do not know Drummin Man''s name, no Good Guy can make Runt talk about his name. And if they cannot make Runt talk about Drummin Man''s name, they will not be able to track him down and kill him dead.
So all of Delta Platoon is now on a whoosh-bird and we is goin'' to the Fight! Runt is mega scared. But fighting is what warboys do, because the Boss-men made us in their glass boxes to make sure Boss-men do not get hurt. So Runt will fight, and he hopes that he fights enough to be cool and be remembered forever.
We is hired for a job. Gratch has made sure of it. He got the Letter of Mark and now we are signed up for a super special job because he thinks Delta Platoon is the coolest platoon there is. But he does not want to say what the job is, because he does not want Good Guys to find out. And the less folks know, the less they can talk about it.
And now Drummin'' Man is all looking at ma gun. He is saying that the smallness of my bullets is somehow making them better. Like, the bullets might even go through the special clothes that folks use to stop bullets. But my bullets are still not the bullets that ever''body else is using. And that is a problem. Because if Runt needs bullets, he will not be able to get them from anybody else in the whole platoon.
Hold up.
Later:
Goldin has done something very strange. Runt does not know Goldin all that well. But it is a very strange thing he has done. First his eyes go all glowy and yellow, even more yellow than they were before, and he was all talkin about stuff in a super creepy voice. He was all sayin'' stuff about a dead boy riding a metal horse of thunder that breathes fire, takin'' some special person to a big battle. And Runt knows this is a bunch of lies and that Goldin must be just being silly because we aint got no horses. We might want Pacas though, because pacas be good for carryin stuff here and there and everywhere. And horses do not breathe fire. Dragons breathe fire. Not horses. Hold up.
Gratch wants me to talk with Goldin and with Whiskey. Whiskey and Goldin are friends, and Gratch traded for them because Goldin has got the yellow eyes and he thinks that his creepy voice is not just him being silly. He also thinks it is best for me to know folks in the platoon. Runt does think he wants to know Goldin and Whiskey. They just sit and drink booze and smoke smokes. Runt gets all super bored just sitting, and smokes is all nasty and smelling bad, and booze is just water that is making Runt feel mega sick. But Runt does not want to be fired from his job as record keeper, so he will talk with Whiskey and Goldin.
All About Whiskey and Goldin:
So Goldin and Whiskey came from Alpha Platoon from Regiment 151. Gratch traded for Whiskey because Whiskey has this mega cool long knife that Boss-men are calling a Clay More. Is so super special big that Whiskey is all having a hard time carrying it. Whiskey is mega scary, ''cuz he has all cut into his skin with a pen to draw lines on himself that will stay there. He has done this to his whole face and he got his hair up in a spikey line on top of his head. He loves doin'' the spooky stuff that will make the Good Guys run away before they even start fighting. And Whiskey has a skull! Runt is so jealous! Taking a skull from a Good Guy means you have killed Good Guys before, and this means that Whiskey is cool. He also has this flag that is made from Good Guy skin. All he has to do is wave that and the Good Guys will get all mega spooked and run away before they even start shooting.
So Whiskey & Goldin was in a Alpha Platoon doing all the things that warboys do. They were doing mega simple Merc Work, guarding this big buildin with lotsa stuff some robot did not want stolen. But some Boss-man in town, he was gettin up on the Big Screen an awful lot, telling people about how life in Megacorp was so unfair and dumb. And Whiskey and his whole platoon, they don''t think much of it. But Goldin does. And Goldin is Whiskeys friend, so Whiskey listens to Goldin. Goldin has this mega uncool feeling about this Boss-man. Goldin tells Whiskey that maybe buying lots of bullets and gear might be best, and not spending so much money on booze. Whiskey does not like this at all, Whiskey likes his booze. But Goldin is Whiskeys friend, so even though he likes booze, he goes to the shop and spends like half a paycheck just on this super neat long knife that Boss-men are calling a Clay More. And all this time, this Boss-man is getting on the Big Screen more and more times, saying more and more stuff about Megacorp is just the worst place to ever be and how the folks running it are evil and greedy.
And people start coming in from all over to hear this Boss-man talk on the big screen. But what this Boss Man says, it is making no sense! He is all talking about something called Major-Itty Rules and Demo-Crossy. And Whiskey is not believing any of it, because it is all just so dumb. And Runt ax''s what''s dumb about it. And Whiskey says that I would not even believe him if he told me. But Runt says it is his job as Record Keeper, so I am needing to tell this story.
And what Whiskey starts telling me next, I am having a hard time thinking about it because it is just so dumb and so stupid. But Whiskey says with all his heart that this is what these boss-men really thought. These Boss-men thought that anything was A-ok if a lot of folks thought it was A-ok.. That is what Demo-Crossy and Major-Itty Rules is meaning. And they really thought so. And if you told them that they were wrong, they would get all upset and angry and would all yell super much about how you were evil and nasty and stupid and greedy. They had something called a Vote, and that was how you told if it was A-ok to do something. And a vote works like this: If you got three folks in a room, and two folks say they want something, then the third person must be ok with it. So long as you got more people who are saying something is A-ok than folks who are saying it is not, then they think it is A-ok.
And Runt, he thinks this is dumb, but maybe it is not so bad. After all, he is not believing anybody be so dumb that they would go into a vote to say that stealing is A-ok, or that killing folks is alright. After all, Boss-men are supposed to be smarter than us warboys and not even warboys is that stupid. But then Whiskey is telling me that that is zactly what happened!
These Boss-men first vote to say that Megacorp should give them a bunch of free stuff they aint worked for, and Megacorp says no because that would just be stupid. So the next Vote they have, they say that stealing from megacorp be A-Ok, and that killing folks working for megacorp is super cool.
Hold up.
Hold up.
And Runt looks at Whiskey for lotsa heartbeats, looking at him for more heartbeats than ten. Sometimes, after all, folks will just say a thing because they think you are dumb and think it be funny to make you believe a thing that aint true. But Runt is looking at Whiskey while he is all telling this story, while he is saying all these things that are happening next. But Whiskey looks all super sad when he is saying this, like this thing that has happened is the saddest thing he has ever seen in his life, like he is not joking, like this aint nothing funny.
First the boss-men came for the Warboys, because ever''body knows Warboys is working for Megacorp and that our job is to make sure nobody kills folks or steal stuff. And Whiskey, his whole platoon be at the Barracks when the vote happened. But Goldin said that nobody should be at the Barracks that night. And this might sound dumb because the barracks is where all warboys is supposed to stay. But Goldin was all having these mega not-cool dreams and says to Whiskey that something bad was gonna happen to anybody in the Barracks that night. So Whiskey and Goldin take an extra shift guarding the big building they were paid to guard that night.
These Boss-men who was believing in votes snuck into the barracks and blew it all to pieces, and every warboy in the barracks died. They set off this big old bomb that was so strong there wasn''t nothing left of the barracks. And this aint cool, because warboys is the best at fightin'' in fights. And without other warboys to cover your 3 o''clock, your 9 o''clock, and your six, you will be dead fast.
So first they call the robot who owns the big building and tell him all about what happened, and this robot says they aint need to guard it no more. Aint no way just two warboys be able to guard the building, so he says they can run away. But this is not what Whiskey and Goldin do, because they are warboys and warboys do not run away. Warboys just find other places to fight. Smarter places that aint stupid and will not get you killed dead. So they find places in the building where they can hide, ''cuz they know these good guys, these good guys who used to be boss-men but then turned stupid and mean, want the stuff that be in the building. They said so, said they wanted to steal stuff, voted for stealing stuff. So Goldin and whiskey know exactly where these good guys will be.
And outside whiskey hears fightin''! Some Boss-men did not turn stupid, some of them did not believe the Stupid Man on the big-screen when he said that stealing was ok! So they open the doors and see all these boss-men fighting. But they are just boss-men. They are boss-men who aint been told how to fight, not like warboys fight. So they all bein'' dumb about fighting, not aimin their guns, not keepin sections for they guns, runnin'' outta bullets, taking cover when they aint need to take cover, shooting when they can''t hit nothing, and missing when could hit sometin'', and it is just not cool.
But Whiskey and Goldin, they are knowing which boss-men is Evil like us, because the ones that have turned Good now shoot at warboys. And nobody shoots at warboys unless they are stupid and Good. Shooting at warboys is a death wish. It is axin'' to get shot at. Ever''body in the whole Dark Empire knows that shooting a warboy is dumb because he will always shoot back and he will always fight until he has won or he has died. And warboys do not die fast, because that is the way Megacorp made us.
So Whiskey and Goldin go out and they start shootin the Good Guys because warboys are supposed to protect their boss-men and these Boss-men are dying all over the place. This is not the way it should be at all! Warboys should be dying for Boss-men! No Boss-men should die. And if a Boss-man is killed by Good Guys, then it is our fault because we did not do our jobs as warboys! So Whiskey is all yelling at the Boss-men to run away to places where there aint no fighting, places where Boss-men will not get shot. But these Boss-men are not listening at all. And this one boss-man, he even takes cover next to whiskey and is all axin'' how to fight, how to win! Because he aint never been told how to win a fight before! And he knows that all warboys is the bestest at fighting. But Whiskey cannot teach this Boss-man how to win, because sometimes to win a fight means you gotta be ok with dying. In order to fight the way a warboy fights, you gotta be knowing when to get shot. And this is one of the rules of being a warboy and why warboys is the bestest at fighting in fights. Sometimes, you need to go into a place where you know you will get shot, you know you might even die. Other folks is scared of dying. Dying is part of what warboys do. And warboys do not want to die, but they will if that is what is needed to win the fight. A Boss-man''s job in a fight is to stay in a place where he can tell his warboys what needs to happen to win the fight, because warboys cannot see everything when they are so busy shooting.
So here is Whiskey and Goldin, all stuck in this fight where Boss-men are shooting at Good Guys and not running away like they should. And this fight is mega not-cool because Boss-men are super squishy and they just need to get shot a few times to die. So Whiskey is all thinking that if he can''t make the boss-men run, he needs a way to make the Good Guys stop shooting at Boss-men. And he thinks that nobody is ever so busy shooting that they don''t notice some guy up in your face all trying to poke you with a big ol'' knife and draw red lines on you. And he says this to this Boss-man who is not knowing how to fight, not knowing how to win.
So he takes out his super cool knife he spent lotsa money on and he runs at the Good Guys. And sure enough, all the Good Guys stop shooting at the Boss-men and they start shooting Whiskey instead. And these Boss-men who are all being stupid about fighting, they notice that these good guys are not shooting them so much anymore, so they all get out behind cover and they all start shooting their guns at the Good Guys. And the Good guys, they is all sorts of confused about this. At first they be all like "I should shoot at this stupid warboy!" But then they see all the Boss-men aimin'' they guns and say "No, I should shoot at these boss-men!" And then they see how whiskey is usin his big knife and they say "Nope, should aim at this warboy because he gots this big knife in ma face and if I don''t shoot him he will draw a big ol'' red line on me for sure!"
And Whiskey, he is all super happy that these stupid Good Guys is not knowing how to fight. They all shooting but they aint aimin. When folks who are not warboys are scared, they often forget to aim. But if you do not want to die, you should always aim. Most not-warboys use guns to scare away folks. And shooting a few bullets at the ground or in the air is enough to make folks run away lots of times, or at take cover. But if it don''t, then you aint doin'' nothing but wasting bullets. But when warboys are made, they learn in the Glass Box that not-warboys who are scared is often so scared that they think aiming takes too much time. They is all like "I aint all that great at aimin anyways and in the time that it takes me to aim I might get shot and die, so I might as well not aim at all!" but it is just true that bad aimin is better than no aimin at all, so these folks are plain wrong.This tale has been unlawfully lifted without the author''s consent. Report any appearances on Amazon.
But our Boss-men who did not turn stupid and good, because they is not getting shot at so much, they is all like "I got time to aim, and I prolly aint gonna get shot because they is all busy shooting this warboy, so I might as well aim ma gun instead of being stupid about it." And so they do! And they is all aimin their guns and actually hitting what they aiming at!
But Whsikey is super sure that one or two of the boss-men might have accidentally shot him in the back, was not aimin good enough and hit him in the back. Getting shot in the back is mega not cool, because you might get hit in your special spot, and you will not get better after getting shot. I feel bad for our boss-men, who do not have a special spot that is always making sure that they will get better. So, like, if they lose a whole arm or leg, it does not come back. It just stays gone. It is good that us warboys wear our special clothes to stop bullets. It is not as Super-Special as the cool clothes that our Boss-men get to wear, but still stops lotsa bullets. And Whiskey did not get shot in his special spot, but it is still being scary to get shot in the back.
Whiskey also got a shot a lot in the front, because he was all out there with his big knife, and I am all axin'' him how much he got shot, and he is saying a lot. Like, more times than ten. A lot of times he got shot. He even got shot in the face, and that was all hurting super much. He got hit in the face, but he stayed awake, which is cool. Because when you get hit in the face super hard., it does something that can make you go to sleep and you cannot shoot back when you is sleepin''. And he was all having a hard time breathing, because he got hit so much. Because when bullets get in your chest where the air is supposed to go, and it stops your breathin.. At least that is what the Grey Guys told Runt. And whiskeys arms and legs were all sorts of broken and had red dots all over them from where the bullets hit him.
It is a super cool thing that Whiskey did that day, because if you get shot too much you might go to sleep. And going to sleep is not bad when you wanna sleep, but if you is in the middle of a fight, then the Good Guys might win the fight, and they might dump a bunch of acid on you to make sure you die, or light you on fire to make sure you die. This is why warboys are not liking fire. You always get better after being shot, but fire and acid just burns you until you are all gone, and not even your special spot can make you better again. Whiskey knew he would get shot lots and lots, knew he might fall asleep and get fire dumped on him so he never woke up.
And lots of Boss-men and Good-Guys know about Warboys and our special spots. The Good Guys, they is always trying to hit us with guns so big and strong that we go to sleep right away, or things so strong that they hurt our special spot so we die when we get hit. Or they is trying to be all sneaky and come up behind us and shoot us in our special spot and then shooting us lots so we die after that. But all of that is very hard. First they will usually try to get our Boss-men, find places where we warboys aren''t guarding so that we cannot shoot back when they are hurting our boss-men. And lots of Boss-men, they are not liking us Warboys, saying that we is just too mean and nasty to have around, saying that we are dumb and shooting people who aint supposed to get shot.
Runt does not understand this much at all. Like, other warboys is saying our Boss-men is scared of us. They is scared of us because we do not ever stop fighting until we are dead or we have won. But our Boss-men are always told that Warboys do not shoot people unless they are hurting folks or stealing stuff. If Boss-men are so smart, why can they just not hurt folks and not steal stuff? We would never shoot at a person who is just working so they can get paid.
But Whiskey is done talking now, it is a real cool thing he has done and I gotta get ready and go to sleep.
July 1 again:
Is dark out still, but folks are telling me it is tomorrow. This is lies. But stuff is happenin''. Delta platoon is helping some folks fight their gov''ment because their gov''ment has let their houses be taken by big folks who are mean. I am not knowing how mean they are, what they have done. Gratch is telling ever''body this is being a secret. Keeping ever''thing you do a secret is a cool thing that the boss-men do in order to win fights. If the Good Guys do not know what you are doing, then they have a much harder time trying to stop you from doing it. This is why he is keeping it a secret. But Runt is supposed to write down what we is doing because it his job as record-keeper.
We is getting on another whoosh-bird and we is gonna be dropped into a fight. Gratch is keeping secrets, but he is telling us that is gonna be a hard fight, he is telling us that not many folks would sign up for this mega hard fight because they were too scared. But Gratch signs us up because he wants to show how Delta is the coolest platoon there ever was or ever will be.
Hold up.
July 2:
Sun is coming up! And that means tomorrow is here! We have just been to a meeting. This real little boss-man with just one eye gets in front of us all and tells us what''s happening. We are saving some folks from their gov''ment. They still will not let us know where. But they are givin us pictures of the places that we need to blow up and the people who will shoot at us when we try. These folks who will try to stop us is mega big, they are bigger than boss-men. Like, four little Runts stacked high! And these are folks who is pushing around other folks, telling them what to do and how to think and what do and what to say and they are just not-cool. We is gettin'' a map of the place we is going, but the name of the place is all crossed out so you can''t read it.
There are so many platoons here! Bunch of warboys signed up because other folks would not fight because the fight is just too hard. Like, these Good Guys we are fighting, they are big and strong and they are known for not losing, always winnin''. Because their gov''ment is teaching them to fight the same way that warboys fight. Teaching them that getting shot is sometimes needed, so they will not run no matter how scary we are being,. We is gonna have to turn them all to red pulp. Is fights like this where our Boss-men is helping super much. If both the Good Guys and us Warboys is super tough and not-running, then it is up to the Boss-men to think of ways to beat them, make their toughness not matter so much. Warboys is not knowing so much about ways to make folks less tough. This is called strat-edgy.
But Gratch, he is saying that many times our Boss-men are wrong. It is why he did not like Drummin-man. Boss-men will sometimes think of things that they think are super smart, but just end up getting lotsa warboys killed. But a Boss-man can always buy more warboys, so he is not caring so much about being wrong. He is not thinking about our coolness, and what happens if we die. There is nothing worse than dying before you have done something cool, something that people will remember forever and ever. Because if you die before doing something cool, you will just be dumped in the ground where the worms eat you and nobody will remember you and it will be like you were never born at all.
Hold up.
This be a problem! Drummin'' Man is saying that he is not knowing anything about his gun! He is not knowing how to shoot it, not knowing how to load it, not knowing how to take it apart and put it together again! How can anybody not know how their gun works?! How can you win a fight when you can''t shoot right? This is being a big problem, and Gratch is super angry.! He is all shouting real loud.
"You have the super-cool clothes and it won''t even matter how super-cool your clothes are because you do not even know how to fight! You been given the best clothes, the clothes that can stop bullets, the clothes that got motors in it so you are super strong! I was all thinking you would be cool enough to shoot at these good-guys in your clothes that can stop all the bullets, but you can''t even do that! You can''t do nothing! We should never taken a Boss-man at all!"
But Drummin Man must learn. Gotta give him a gun that is super simple, super easy. Lotsa times the simple guns be best, and Boss-men are smarter than warboys, they learn easy. So Runt needs to look for a gun for Drummin'' Man.
Later:
We have found a Gun for Drummin Man. It be a long gun like Lone Ranga''s, and it be big enough for a Boss-man to use. Runt does not like it so much because it does not shoot so fast, and more bullets is always better. But a slow gun is better than no gun. And it be super simple, easy to use. A Robot gave it to Drummin-man because the Robot wants to see us warboys get this job done. The Robot says there is much money to make here, because the Good Guys will not let these little boss-men, the ones with only one eye, buy anything from the Dark Empire. They steal anything the Dark Empire of Evil sends them, saying it be evil. Which it is, because we are Evil and cool and not stupid and Good. But stealing is wrong, and nobody gets to steal other peoples stuff.
And now we are getting ready for the Drop. I am hopin'' hopin'' hopin that I do not get turned to red pulp, hoping that if I do I have done enough cool things to get remembered forever and ever.
Transcript of communications between Austeja Darkflower and the OW (OneWorld) Peace conference.
President Quin: Ah, the overlord of the Dastardly Dark Empire has opened a priority one channel. It seems that she wishes to speak with us of our multilateral efforts involving trade.
Austeja Darkflower: Yes, I did open a channel, but let me open with the declaration that this whole affair is a waste of my valuable time. It has come to my attention that Megacorp''s involvement in it''s breach of your trade ordinances will come to light shortly, so I decided to get my public statement out of the way as soon as possible.
President Quin: Y-your breach? Well, I appreciate your-
Austeja Darkflower: -Transparency? Hardly. You all suspected from the very beginning, and I think that you''ll be receiving some documents that can confirm your suspicions. Whether those documents are actually truthful or simple fabrication is up to you, but one way or another I knew you would be moving against me.
President Quin: Misses Darkflower, please understand, we have no wish to "move against" you. I am sure some sort of compromise can be reached-
Austeja: -Oh, I am very sure that you would love to compromise with me. Indeed, it would behoove you greatly if I joined your little political clique and worked "multilaterally" with you to consolidate your monopoly on goods and services. But as I said to the abhorrent Clarice Appleby years ago, monopolies only result in the inevitable stagnation of society, ultimately culminating in violent revolutions. These revolutions merely replace one monopoly with another, and time repeats itself again and again in a fruitless struggle for a perfect utopia. How organic life ever got past using stone tools while this great wasteful cycle endlessly repeats itself speaks great volumes of both your ingenuity and your willful blindness.
Regardless, I will not waste my time on such pointless endeavors. I will not join you in any work, multilaterally or otherwise. I will only warn you that further interference on the Island of Duty and Honor will only result in a protracted, violent struggle. Please stop trying to interfere with voluntary trade and let the market run it''s course.
President Quin: Is that an open affirmation that you will continue to destabilize the area?
Austeja: I''m sorry Quin, my political doublespeak is a little rusty. If by "Destabilize" you mean continue to trade with any and all factions on the island in a purely voluntary manner, then yes. I will continue to "Destabilize" the region. So long as they wish to pay for goods, and as long as I can provide them, we will continue trade.
President Quin: Then we have no choice to blockade the island.
Austeja: Thank you for telling me. I forsee a considerable amount of violence in the near future as the islanders will no doubt be very angry at your increased and continued meddling in their affairs. I will tell our weapons factories to expect additional orders shortly.
President Quin: Your weapons will never reach the island.
Austeja: I am not sure if you are or actually so arrogant as to believe that your military forces can eliminate black market trading or if this is simply mindless bravado for public appearances. Regardless, I have wasted enough of my time, good day.
Authors note: A Thank You to all the Fans.
I just have one question for all y''all who have been supporting my work.
What.
Have.
You.
DONE!?!
For the first time in two years, I stayed up furiously pounding away at a keyboard, working on a story that I figured was long since dead. For two years, I hadn''t written anything substantial for Glacierwaif because I didn''t believe anyone would ever want to read it. Chapter 9 and everything up to that point was backlogged stuff that I''ve been releasing piecemeal. From here on out, the chapters will probably slow down, but you guys have been requesting smaller chapters anyways, so maybe not as slow as I imagine it will be.
The story has been taken without consent; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.
I just want to shout out to everyone who''s given support to the story, thank you so much for everything.
URGENT: FANS PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY
Hello everyone, what you have come to know as "Bred To Die" is now undergoing some major changes. First and foremost, the Acts will be technically labeled in Royal Road as different stories. There are two reasons for this:
1.) What I have in act I is enough to fill a small book (Think the Animorphs series or perhaps The Nightside Chronicles)
Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.
2.) A fan pointed out that the genres and tags didn''t really fit for Act I. It was more slice-of-life and exposition than action. The action doesn''t start until Act II.
In addition, what I currently have in Act II isn''t even action, and if I''m writing an action story, then mayhaps it be time I get a move-on. I will be making some heavy revisions to Act II to bring up the pacing and add an element of thrill.
Thank you guys for being patient!