《I’ll Wait For You At The Train Station》


 Chapter 1 - Part 1: My Misfortune.

    Graduation makes me feel like dying.


    I barely survived my middle school days and this year I''d be a high school girl. Teens often quote: years on high school was the blossom of youth. It''d be the most exciting and memorable chapter of life where they find romance and longtime companionship. So to speak, it''d be the phase where our youth springs into action. Imagining myself to have friends and hang out on weekends, joining an interesting club with pleasing members and reliable seniors, as well as finding a boyfriend that would be my knight in shining armor, was too good to be true. From this day on, that thought would stay like that -an imagination. To be honest, I wasn''t interested in it. I have plenty of life issues to take care of. In fact, I was expecting another set of horrible years from now on. Would this be worse than before? I mulled about that question over and over. For the next three years of my shameful youth, would I be able to survive? Every now and then I still hope that my life would change as long as I breathe.If you come across this story on Amazon, it''s taken without permission from the author. Report it.


    Therefore,thatsolution wasn''t necessary... for now.

 Chapter 1 - Part 2: Grade School

    It all started when I was in grade school. Misfortune befell onto me when I became "different" in the class. I was not aware of it at first. As a silent type of person, I find it hard to start a conversation let alone approach my classmates. This unfortunate behavior that I possessed led me to the route of despair. Because I couldn''t participate in the group, I was exiled. Since then, I became the center of hate. They vent their anger on me whenever they have problems. When trouble occurred, I was their scapegoat. If they were looking for entertainment, I''d be forced to play the role of a jester for these noblemen. Some people may ask why, just because a single person was determined as strange she was bullied. This was nothing but your typical Japanese school. Acts of bullying don''t always happen, although once it does it would be horrifying.


    The entire class should be in harmony. If you don''t belong to the Concord you''d be a victim of their collective violence. I was "IT" in this dramatic game that the class imposed.


    My years in grade school was cruel. I was so unfortunate that two groups of bullies had been my classmate every year. Those groups were superior in the class. They could do almost anything that they wanted. Like Lords of feudal ages, I could perceive their tyranny scourging me. My fate happened to be so miserable that I cried every day. Try to imagine a little girl beaten up by groups of kids, I was bruised in an awful way. At the same time, I was tormented by psychological torture.


    They called me a plague; whenever someone touches me or even gets nearby, the unfortunate individual would be infected thus bullied for weeks. That was enough reason why no one dared to be with me. I was helpless. All my classmates went along the current. I wouldn''t blame them for being a coward. I would''ve done the same thing if I placed myself in their shoes. They don''t want trouble and most of all they don''t want to be burdened. So that they wouldn''t turn into a victim some of them even joined the bullies, forcing themselves to laugh and ingest the horrendous sights that the bad guys did. No one could ever neglect the bullies'' presence or else the bullies'' attention would be gathered at them. Too bad, I was not good with interaction that was why my miserable life had been sealed effortless.


    Because seeking salvation from my concerned classmates weren''t an option, I expected help from the teachers. I heard my homeroom teacher speaking to her fellow faculty member. By chance, their topic was about me and how bullying affected my daily life. I smiled, assuming that the change I was looking forward would come. Much to my disappointment, though, I heard my homeroom teacher saying, "she must endure it, if she can''t, then she must change". I felt like the darkness grew around me. For the first time, I felt so afraid to face tomorrow. If days like these wouldn''t cease, then my life would be nothing but a living hell. Was this a punishment from god? Just because eavesdropping was wrong god changed my fate to the dire outcome. He didn''t even reconsider the consequence of his retribution. He was so unfair.The story has been taken without consent; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.


    Accepting the conclusion, I did my best to put up with my unpleasant years. Too bad, my childhood past wouldn''t be composed of good memories. It''d just make my tears shed each time I recalled it. At that time, I did wonder: Was my life significant? What was my purpose...? Believe it or not, I still tried to be an optimist. Aware to myself that I was turning a blind eye from reality, I forced to live thinking that all my misfortunes have a meaning, that everything that was happening would help me grow up. I imagined my adult-self standing strong. Her bad experiences weren''t a hindrance but a challenge. She was used to every insults and sarcasm. She ignored all of it and focused on properly doing her job. To be an asset, that was her goal.


    I endured my living hell until graduation came. Ever since, I did my best to voice out my choice. In front of my parents, I selected a school where I wanted to go. Before graduation ended, I heard the bullies'' conversation of where they''d go for middle school. They desired to get rid of me for I was an eyesore to them. On the other hand, as a victim, I also wanted to stay away for my sake. My choice of enrolling in a different school would benefit both. Fortunate enough, we must transfer because of my father''s work. That marked my selfish endeavor to bear fruit with a "yes". Even if it was a different school from what I picked, I was still glad that it was far away from what the bullies have chosen. I was filled with gratitude towards my parents that day, although, they set up a condition.


    My mother told me:


    "I''ll approve your request, but promise us that you''ll change. Every now and then, we see you sad and depressed. But once we ask what''s the problem, you won''t tell us. Hey, be strong, okay?"


    That was what she told me. I did wonder: how come all this time, they didn''t know my problems? I just couldn''t tell them anything for I was afraid. My bruises were hidden too, so they couldn''t suspect. However, by staring close at my every day melancholic expression, I was confident that anyone could tell the problems that I couldn''t express. Do my parents doesn''t want to exert any effort at finding out my troubles? They were compared to my teachers, they don''t do anything and only hope for me to change. Maybe that was the appropriate choice. I couldn''t tell what will happen in the next chapter if I don''t flip its pages. I too, must act.


    I nodded at them and answered.


    "At my new school¡­ I''ll try my best."


    I forced a smile at them as they returned the same expression. This was the perfect instance to return the favor.

 Chapter 1 - Part 3: Middle School

    Middle school. New life. New school year. New setting. I must do my best to meet the change I wished. First and foremost, I modified my looks. I tied my hair and read various fashions tips in the magazines that I bought. My parents were even surprised by my sudden transformation. They smiled before me so relieved, as though all the burden that they carried had dissolved for an instant.


    We lived in a small town that was almost unknown to people. The tall buildings were replaced with trees, more greeneries, old and rundown houses, a few new western style houses, and a single convenience store with adagashi[1] shop beside it. Despite that it was a little hassle to commute because of a few buses, I was still grateful for the assurance that no one knows me. That was my ticket to create a different persona. Before the entrance of the new all-girls school, I took a deep breath and entered.


    This time for sure, I thought. But when I took a step ahead, I heard and recognized a voice from behind saying¡­


    "Hey, aren''t you that Plague Girl?"


    My eyes widened. That voice was from someone I knew from my former school. I felt the shivers running down my spine as I turned around with a dropped gaze.


    "I''m right."


    That girl. I didn''t know her name but I could ascertain that she was one of the bullies from grade school. I glanced at her. My eyes snapped opened in fear after she shot an ominous glare.


    "Hey, altering your looks won''t change anything. You assumed this is the perfect place for your middle school debut? I don''t think so."


    She clenched her fists in anger.


    "I''m really pissed since our family resided to this fucking place. Living in the sticks is too inconvenient, but you know what makes it worse?"


    Her eyes widened and continued. "It''s to see you here first thing in the morning! Of all the people in the world, you Plague Girl! Fuck that!"


    My hands were in tremor subsequent to her yelling. Some of the students walking to the entrance were concerned, leading them to stare at us. Eyes¡­.Plenty of eyes gazing.


    "What''s that¡­ an argument?"


    "I don''t recognize them both, new here probably."


    "They''re making a scene already, how unpleasant."


    Once the students gathered, the scary girl before me gritted her teeth and walked out, ignoring the presence of the crowd. Me, on the other hand, faltered upon their fixed stares. I couldn''t move my legs. Why¡­ I imagined them speaking bad remarks about me.


    "Didn''t she just call her a plague? Scary."


    "Would this result in bioterrorism?"


    "Plague huh, she''s new here. Does she carry a fatal virus or something?"


    No. I don''t¡­.


    I couldn''t speak. My throat dried out. How could I overcome this?


    Plague¡­


    Plague¡­


    Plague¡­


    Plague¡­


    Plague¡­


    Plague.


    Non-stop, I heard them chanting that word in a chorus.Unauthorized tale usage: if you spot this story on Amazon, report the violation.


    Please stop.


    Plague¡­


    Plague¡­


    Plague.


    I beg of you¡­


    Please¡­


    My eyes widened, then I thought:My days in middle school is over.I imagined myself having a self-introduction. Seconds later, they laughed at me along with the term "plague". I would be bullied without end.


    Endless¡­


    I don''t want that¡­


    I shed tears. I was too weak. My fashion statement was nothing but an outside appearance. A fa?ade to fool everyone''s eyes. This wouldn''t do me any better. I lowered my head only to see the ground. Covering my ears with both hands, I ran forward. Faster. Faster. I must find that place¡­ where I could hide and be separated from my cruel reality. I ran to a random direction and found myself in luck.


    There it is¡­


    I dashed to the restroom and locked myself in one of its stalls. I squeezed my hands together with teeth gritted. Their glares were so scary. Their looks of disgust and scorn were humiliating me. Could I still go on? I couldn''t answer that any longer.


    Just then, my eyes widened as an idea came into mind. I went out and found no other girls inside. I looked at my mirror image. Indeed, my visual aspect was so different compared from before, although, my eyes -which portrayed loneliness- was something that couldn''t be hidden. Its radiant red color reminded me of the tears that I''d shed today. My outward appearance might be like those of a fine young lady, but my eyes tell a different story. Hence, there was no need for me to change.


    My fa?ade was a form of escapism. I must face my cruel life instead. Doesn''t this mean I submitted myself from my fight? Well, does it even matter? I was a loser from the start. I don''t have to fight because I was weak. This pain inside me shall stay forever. I must embrace it rather than fearing it. From now on I don''t care. I must lock all my emotions and stop being a human; discard my fears and worries for my sake. Staring at the mirror, I removed my scrunchy and retained my usual hairdo. Now I was not distinguishable, like a mob character from a novel.


    This is for the best,I thought.


    I went out with my black straight hair swayed down like those from a ghost horror movie. Perhaps this way, no one could differentiate me from my looks earlier. I became a different person in just a minute. Sure enough, I''d be called a "Plague Girl" once again. As long as that bully was here, my school life would stay doomed like before. I looked for my class and headed in its direction. Oh god, my only wish was to stay away from that bully, please don''t designate us to the same class. While I was praying that in mind, I found my room.


    Class 1-A.


    I gulped and embarked. By bad luck, the first person I''ve seen inside was the bully. She sat in the farthest seat near the window. We exchanged a stare for a moment until I dropped my gaze. Again, she glared and scowled at me. Upon looking at the floor, the sole thought that I have in mind was¡­god is so cruel.


    I decided to sit down at the front, hoping that the teachers would find out if I was bullied in the middle of classes, also literally, to stay away from that girl. While sitting on the chair waiting for the entrance ceremony, I took my smartphone out of my skirt pocket. Swiping my newsfeed on Twitter [2], I couldn''t help but be distracted by the students that entered every minute. They were all in groups, chattering about how they''d enjoy the first afterschool of the day. Some planned to go to the karaoke, some to the game centers, the caf¨¦'', etcetera. I never thought that they have those in town, perhaps it was just that I don''t go out of the house so I couldn''t explore.


    With all honesty, I felt so envious. I do wish that I could also have the same chill and happy life. Only I and my bully were the ones being exiled. I pondered, with how she felt distant towards the students inside her class, would she arrive at the point that she''d felt sympathetic about how I experienced grade school? I stared at her due to curiosity. She answered a glare in which, made my heart pound fast. I don''t think so¡­ she wouldn''t feel sympathetic at all. And so, the entrance ceremony began with the principal of the school conducting a boring speech. It took quite long to finish until all of us went back to our classrooms.


    The self-introductions commenced. This was one of the worst moments that I have no choice but to execute. When it was my turn, I stood up like a slug and introduced myself. After the awkward introduction, some of my classmates whispered to one another, and most of it was followed by glee. Did they found out that I was the one being yelled at the school''s entrance? I guessed so, or maybe, they just thought of a new nickname to describe me. Along the lines of Sadako [3] from an old horror movie, perhaps. I sat on the chair and ignored their incomprehensible remarks. I was used to it so I don''t mind.


    As a matter of fact, I was expecting more acts of abuse here in middle school. Most Japanese students who had committed suicide were middle schoolers, so I''ve got to get a grip on myself. Embrace the pain, I must never forget that in mind. In order for me to not lose myself and thus welcome suicide as a solution, I must learn to live accompanied by pain.


    Endure. Endure. Endure. This was the only way to continue living. Even though this life doesn''t have any sensefornow, I still have a vain hope that it would have colors one day. As long as I breathe, I could still have the chance to escape my prison cell. Someday, I would see the light above my dungeon, and my life would be surrounded by darkness no more.

 Chapter 1 - Part 4: Fa?ade

    Afterschool, some of the students headed to the destination that they had planned to go to. I stood up and headed to the exit, and then someone called me.


    "Hey there¡­"


    I searched for the source of that voice and found three girls having a good fashion sense. I couldn''t understand why they called me so I dropped my gaze.


    "You''re new in this town, right?"


    One of them asked. I answered by nodding.


    "Care to join with us?" I lifted my head to see the girl smiling. I couldn''t tell why these girls approached someone as gruesome as me. One of them held my hand and dragged me out of the room. Being forced to join the group, I couldn''t relate to what they were talking about. For sure they''d find me as boring, then leave me alone the next day.


    At that moment, I remembered what my mother requested:


    // I''ll approve your request, but promise us that you''ll change. Every now and then, we see you sad and depressed. But once we ask what''s the problem, you won''t tell us. Hey, be strong, okay? //


    I was an outcast, but today I felt like I belonged to the group. I must do my best to change, and this was the once in a lifetime chance that had given to me. I mustn''t let this go to waste. Speak. I must speak.


    Before opening my mouth, one of the girls butted in announcing: "We''re here."


    I observed myself in front of the karaoke booth. I was invited to sing, that''s too bad for a tone-deaf like me. I have never sung in front of everyone and neither I was planning to. But if I refuse, I''d ruin everyone else''s mood. After some formalities with the staffs and operators, they started to order for food.


    "Hey, what do you want? Chose any, I''ll put it on my tab." The other girl smiled at me while holding her wallet.


    I shook my head twice and stammered.


    "Y-you don''t n-need to." I couldn''t believe how nice they were to put up with that. I was just dragging down the fun.


    Soon, they selected songs and went to me along with a query.


    "What song are you gonna sing?"


    "U-uhhmm, I don''t know how to sing."


    For some reason, I felt off. Before, I got envious that normal people have funtothese places, but now I could sense that someone like me doesn''t belong here. From the moment they stepped in, I started to find them as a nuisance. And now that they were forcing me to pick a song, I was irritated inside. I was aware that I was the one with a problem, but I just couldn''t find a way or a solution to adapt to the environment of normal people. If a tone-deaf like me sing, I''d just get laughed at. That doesn''t make any difference with how I played the jester on elementary.


    What will I do?


    If I don''t change myself, I would be exiled from the class again. Most importantly, my bully from grade school was here, that was why I must exert double effort to get along with a group. Saying that in my thoughts, I wavered. This was easier said than done. I don''t know how to socialize, not even doing a simple welcome. Being with someone who was in the opposite wavelength as I was too outwearing. I don''t know anything about fashion or even popular songs these days. I stopped caring about everything since I was bullied, so I don''t have any specific interest.


    Doesn''t that mean¡­ I belong to no one? A person who has no interest was boring, empty, and meaningless. I don''t even deserve to breathe maybe? I''d just consume the fresh air of this town and exhale it to nothingness. I was nothing but a parasite who benefits while destroying my host which was the world itself.


    "Hey there¡­"


    One of them tapped me on the shoulder, returning me from my daydream.


    "¡­"


    "So, you''re not gonna sing? That''s boring."


    I couldn''t tell why, but I had an intuition that I was becoming a hindrance to them. They sang all together, laughed at each other, eat, drink, sing, laugh. Meanwhile, I sat at the corner and kept my mouth shut. Every now and then, I do pick up my phone to view my Twitter newsfeed, besides that, I have nothing else to do. Their fun continued to the point that I felt like I never existed. Soon, they were satisfied and went out of the room. At first, I thought that I had just imagined it, but when they''d bid each farewell, I was ignored by the group. This was the outcome. After they dispersed I sighed and told myself:


    This is what you get for not interacting with others.


    Dear mother. Today, I failed again to join into the class'' harmony. If there''s a god for socializing, I''d also like to apologize for wasting the chance you have provided me. I gazed at the boundless sky and thought:


    What''s gonna happen tomorrow?


    I returned and calmly said,"I''m home."


    Although I said that, I could tell that no one else would answer a simple "welcome back". My parents were out. My father was on his work, my mother on the other hand just started working at the convenience store that I previously mentioned. I guessed that was better that way. If someone was home, they''d question me why I retained my old looks. Explaining was bothersome, so I must be grateful that no one was around. I headed straight to my room and changed to casual clothes. I glanced at the mirror to keep on contemplating how my life continues along with the endless misfortunes.


    "Tomorrow and the day after, and the next into that¡­ would stay the same. A broken and hopeless life that I have, is something that cannot be fixed."


    The next day, I have witnessed something horrible. I happened to pass behind the school building headed to the restroom when I heard a girl''s voice. The voice was from one of the girls who invited me to the karaoke yesterday.


    "Get up there¡­ bitch!"


    Afterward, I heard the other two laughing.


    "Fufufu¡­"


    Little by little, I tried my best to hide while witnessing the scene. It brought me a shock to see the person who bullied me being stepped in the head by one of them. She lied down on the grass. Helpless, all that she could do was to her grit her teeth and clench her fists.


    "You''re the one who made a mess on the first day, I thought you''re a delinquent so we took the initiative. Too bad, you''re all alone."If you come across this story on Amazon, it''s taken without permission from the author. Report it.


    I never expected this. I breathe heavily upon thinking that I went with people who could maintain a perfect pleasing mask. The three of them were the new bad guys. I couldn''t imagine that on the second day, they already went to this level of abuse. I glanced over my smartphone and searched for the name of this school if there were any reported cases of bullying, and what stumbled upon me was very disturbing. There were reported at least four cases of suicide of the students here. Based on the investigation, they were all bullied in the class. One of them even killed herself from the rooftop of this old school building.


    That news horrified me to the utmost sense that my tears shed. Wiping the tears with my hands, I ran away. For sure, I''d be the next victim. I annoyed them much yesterday that they''d reward me with a violent comeback. Would it be better to be absent and just lockmyselfinside the restroom until the classes end? How about my things? I left them in the room. If I don''t attend, they''d suspect that I ran away, thus took my bag along with them. For now, maybe the best action was to return and pretend that I didn''t know their true nature.


    How about I get along with them? Even my classmates before did that strategy to divert the bullies'' attention and remove them from the list of ¡®victims''. I grinned to myself like crazy. Like I could do something like that. I couldn''t even hold a conversation with them yesterday, so it was impossible to think that I could pretend to be friends. I stopped and turned around. Having decided, I returned to my room and took a seat.


    After a while, the three came with their endless chattering. I get a hold of my phone to press my focus to my Twitter. It might be a rude habit of me to ignore their presence, I thought that they''d come over but they didn''t. For now, I was experiencing a "non-existent" treatment. I accidentally glanced at one of the girls as I caught her glaring at me. I returned my gaze to my phone as my hands shivered.


    I''m next.That was the signal. The bullies would always find the most helpless person in the class, and the perfect candidates were me and the bully from grade school.


    Speaking of the devil. That girl entered the roomlikenothing happened. She had a mild bruise on the side of her forehead, but she managed to hide it with her hair that was arranged in a different style. She headed straight to her seat and didn''t even looked at the three girls. Then, she automatically gazed at me -probably at my seat- and realized that I was there. The simple stare turned into a scowl. Perhaps now, she could feel how it hurts. Who knows, maybe a month after her continuous suffering, she''d apologize to me for hurting her. Thus, that''d be the start of our friendship.


    I hid a grin while thinking that the thought was too far-fetched to be realized. Afterschool, I was the first to walk out of the room until I heard one of the three girls calling me with the filthy name.


    "HeyPlague Girl!"


    It was followed with a peal of slight laughter.


    Aware that I would be the next victim, I hurried my steps away from them. With that, they noticed my sudden escape and followed suit.


    I ran fast! I didn''t plan to run, but my instinct told me to do so. Even in the world of animals, the prey has the urgency of escaping if it sensed a predator. If I was a land animal, I''d be a zebra being chased by a pack of lions. If in water, I''d be a squid tailed by toothed whales. Like how zebras and squids avoided from being consumed, I must also find a way to distract them. Zebras rely upon the crowds to confuse the lions, while the squid sprays ink and swims to the opposite direction. Following that in my train of thoughts, I headed to the crowd of students. I tied my hair in haste and walked calmly to the opposite direction where they''d assume I''d go. For the meantime, I went to the school library. Since I was running away, they''d think that I would go straight to the school gate. With their judgment being wrong, I''d disappear to them like thin air. For sure they''d get sick of looking for me and decide to go home.


    While standing in front of the bookshelves, I heaved a long sigh of relief. Now that I''ve given it a second thought, didn''t I spilled oil to the fire with how my actions turned out?


    I''m dead¡­ that''s for sure.


    As a matter of fact, what I did was a direct insult towards them. They''d be burning with hate now. I scratched my hair and yelled in my inner thoughts:


    I don''t have to keep worrying about that, with what''ll happen tomorrow¡­ I''ll accept it!


    Forget about that for now, because I just discovered a great place. The library¡­


    Why is it that all this time, I didn''t know how amazing this place is?


    From my field of vision, I see plenty of books and a few students reading all by themselves. The library was the sanctuary for loners. Since you could read the "Keep Quiet" sign in every corner of the room, it was no doubt a peaceful place. If I always stayed here after school, would I be all right? For now, let''s look for a book to read. To be honest, I was not interested in reading, and because I have no interest, I don''t know what to grab on the shelf. If any book was fine, then I''d took a random one.


    The book that I get a hold of was a novel. It was a classic foreign book of the author named Lewis Carrol -Alice in Wonderland [1]. I gave it a read and I was absorbed by the story. Alice -the main protagonist- fell to a hole after chasing a rabbit. After that, she was transferred to wonderland. Right there, her surreal adventure began. From becoming big to small, meeting a smiling cat, a smoking caterpillar, and a strange queen, she was free to do all that she could in that world. Anything could happen in wonderland, sometimes I wished this world was like that too. A place filled with plenty of possibilities was something that my heart fully desired. I wished to be free.


    Today, I was nothing but a prisoner locked in my small wonderland which was the library. Once I get out of this place, the darkness would engulf me again. Rubbing my eyes that was not used to reading, I found myself tired and took a break, but when I looked outside I realized that it was getting dark. Also, most of the students inside the library were tidying up their things. It was closing time, I''ve got to prepare too. I returned the book to the shelf and picked up my bag. Before going out, the representative of the library -which was also a student- smiled at me. I was frustrated with myself that I couldn''t return the favor.


    I reached my destination safe and sound. Even at this late night, my parents were still not home. On the table of the dining room, I always find a prepared meal for dinner which left a note "Heat it first before you eat". This had been my daily life. Although my dinner was like this, I was still grateful to my mother by having a home-cooked food than those that we get from convenience stores. After heating, I ate it with all gratitude. I took a bath hereafter and went to bed. Closing my eyes, I imagined how tough my third day could be. I vision the faces of the three girls one by one. The leader, which was in the middle was the scariest, while the other two alongside her were having the same aura, although I could tell that they were just followers who abide the order.


    When I was awake, I hesitated to get up upon being certain that this day would be a wrenching pain. It was unlikely to still go to school knowing that I would just be bullied. I knew all along that I would be hurt once I entered their premises, so if I still do, that would mean I was one hell of a creepy masochist. For god''s sake, I don''t want myself to be called a "Plague girl" but I ended up conducting a self-analysis of being creepy. Despite gathering those negative thoughts all around me, I still get up and looked myself at the mirror.


    I will stillgo,if I don''t¡­ my parents would suspect.


    For the first time I thought, why would I not want them to know about my problems? For sure my entire yearsonmiddleschool would be terrible, so I must ask for their help if I wanted to survive, just like how I did my best to choose a school. When the sudden urge breakthrough me, I see my parents to my imaginary vision. Before, I often see them sad and worried about me. Both of them were good in nature. I neither see them having a fight in the family household nor outside the general public. They get along with their neighbors so well and always have a pleasing face in front of their customers. I thought that they were excellent when it comes to hiding their true feelings. But after we came here to know that I changed, they had been more enthusiastic about their work lately.


    I find their happiness as my source of joy too. I knew, that once I confessed the truth, their good life would be devastated. I''d see them cry while apologizing for not giving much attention to me. I''d watch their madness while confronting the bullies and their parents. I''d observe them not able to maintain a pleasing face to their customers because of anxiety. I''ve heard of a saying before, "Pretty words aren''t always true, but true words aren''t always pretty". My confession would spread forth misfortune to this family. I deserve the title "Plague girl" for that reason. And so, I arrived at the conclusion that I''d keep my struggle a secret to them. It was okay to lie. After all, white lies were considered different, it has the intention of keeping a secret for good reason.


    I put my school uniform on and maintained my fashion statement as of the first day. Whenever I head to school, I go with this disguise to delight my parents about my progressive status in life. Every time I go down the stairs headed to the dining area where we see each other, I sensed a heartwarming feeling, to the point that I developed pangs of remorse for delivering acts that deviated from the truth.

 Chapter 1 - Part 5: Ayanokouji-san

    I walked to the school full of hesitations. I don¡¯t have the courage to continue while thinking of the outcome that might happen first thing in the morning. Plenty of ¡°what-ifs¡± ran across my mind. It simulated around my brain with no end, but one thing that stood out was the same of what I¡¯ve witnessed yesterday. What if they waited for me at the school entrance and take me to the back of the school building, then initiate their punishment like whatthat girlexperienced? That would surely hurt¡­


    Just then I remembered:


    ¡°Embrace the pain¡±


    Why did I forget about that too soon? The only way for me to continue was to wholly accept my fate. It doesn¡¯t matter if I was always driven to the corner, as long as I was capable to withstand their everyday torture, I could call myself a victor of this nonsensical affair. Even a little, my bravado worked that I could lift my feet up to walk towards my warring destination. Upon my arrival, I heaved a sigh of relief saying in my inner thoughts:glad that they¡¯re not here. I continued my strides until I opened my locker. I was startled by what I¡¯ve seen inside. It was a letter enclosed in a small white envelope.


    At first glance, I couldn¡¯t tell whether this was a love letter or not. First, this was an all-girls school so assuming me triggering that kind of event was very unlikely. Ugh¡­ why did I think of love letter? Who¡¯d be the crazy person brave enough to send that? The next thing that I thought was in connection to those three bullies, maybe the contents inside would spill nothing but insults or heaps of hate. If the case was the latter, then I found no problem. Being used to scorn and everything, caustic remarks had been a part of my daily life that I don¡¯t care anymore. To stop my train of thoughts, I opened the letter and read its content:


    First and foremost, I want to apologize by sending this letter to you. I¡¯m sorry that I can¡¯t face you right now in person, I just don¡¯t have the courage to do so. Hope you understand me. I want to say sorry for all the things that I¡¯ve told you on the first day. Sorry for revealing to everyone about your dreadful past. Now, I am alonesameas you, I obtained the same feeling of solitude. It made my days distressing that I¡¯d cry myself out in bed. I want to ask for help. As of today, I might get bullied again by our new classmates, I don¡¯t want this to continue so please help me. Please meet me at the entrance to the shopping district after school.


    A new trick up their sleeve, I guessed? From the moment I read the beginning of the letter, I already have a doubt of its true sender. As far as I could tell, that girl wouldn¡¯t resort to that option unless she swallows her pride and accepts that she was ¡°different¡±. Even if I placed myself to her shoes, there was no way I¡¯d ask for my enemies¡¯ aid. Well, how could she expect help from someone she bullied countless times? That action was too egoistic on her part. Perhaps the three girls thought of me as kind-hearted, or easily drawn out whenever the opportunity of developing companionship comes in.


    Yes, I once assumed of befriending that bully, but after I was stressed with hanging out to the three of them, my excitement about companionship was buried deep. What¡¯s worse? Now I think of friendship as a pain in the neck. Having friends would consume plenty of time and effort, and exerting effort to doing things you were forced to do was too bothersome. Now, I¡¯d rather choose to be a loner than a follower of a false leader.


    In the English word friend, there was always the word ¡°end¡±. When a person lost a friend, his days would change into something that he wasn¡¯t used to. Like what was happening to that girl today, because of going to such nameless town, she lost all her friends and her life changed to the worse condition. Unlike me, I don¡¯t have anyone to rely on from the start so I have nothing to lose wherever I go. That was no doubt the advantage of loners. I learned how to stand up by my own feet for I have no one to hold on to. In fact, thinking of it that way means that I was stronger than them. Maybe it was time to stop looking down to myself. Despite my miserable years on elementary up to now, I could still lift my head to face forward. My middle school days must be a stepping stone for a brighter future.


    I went on until I embarked inside the classroom. I averted my gaze after the three girls went in. Taking a seat, I again thought that they¡¯d approach me without hesitation. I thought that my rudeness yesterday was enough for them to do nasty acts in public. I was wrong, though. As if I was ¡°non-existent¡± again from their eyes, they headed to their seat and chattered about topics that meant nonsense to me. I heaved a sigh of relief at that, however, I couldn¡¯t rest at ease for I knew that they were planning something horrible afterschool. Too bad for them, I wasn¡¯t lured by their fake SOS letter.


    As soon as our homeroom teacher began checking the attendance, I realized that the girl -who was asking for my help by means of a letter- was absent. That situation arose doubts around my intuitive assumption. Was it really a fake SOS letter? Because she was absent, I couldn¡¯t help but think that she was bullied the hard way. Perhaps yesterday, the three girls vented their anger towards her after my sudden escape. If that was the case, then I¡¯d be held accountable for it. No. I must stop having that mindset. I don¡¯t have to be responsible for other people¡¯s faults. I always have the right to save myself, she too, has the will to do that. She was unfortunate for being caught. If there was anyone to blame here, it was either the group of girls or that bully.


    Arriving in that conclusion, I decided to call it a day when the classes ended. I stayed in the classroom while holding a piece of an envelope that I obtained from the locker. Once I put it to display, I stared at one of the girls. We exchanged glances for a split second as she smiled to their leader. The smile was delighting to look at, but at the same time, it has a sinister feel. They smiled at one another, sending each a sign language.


    That was the mark that filled my little doubts. Just because of that simple stare, I found out about their plan. I displayed the envelope on purpose so that they could be certain that I¡¯ve seen it. Their eyes and expression tell that they knew something. They were the persons behind this. After they left, I waited for around twenty minutes before leaving. While walking on the way home, I couldn¡¯t stop thinking of the possible things that the girls would do from now on. If they were pissed off today, the start of greater violence would commence tomorrow. I sighed in dejection upon thinking of the worst possible outcome.


    Thursday morning, I blacked out for a moment.


    ¡°Why the hell did you ignore my request?!¡±


    I fell in shock after returning to the real world, observing myself seated on the cold floor of the classroom¡­ while sensing a liquid running down my nose. Wiping it off, I realized that my nose continued to bleed roughly. I heard soaring voices of complaints and hate. While lifting my head up, I saw that girl. Did she just punch me in the face? No doubt, it was powerful enough to knock me down for an instant. How great¡­ Although that girl stayed blurry from my sight, I could tell that her face contorted in madness. She continued to open her mouth wide, exclaiming with the loudest of her voice. Little by little, I comprehended what she was saying.


    ¡°I am only asking for a little favor, aren¡¯t I? Fuck you! You¡¯re the reason why all this is happening to my damn life! From now on, if you don¡¯t obey my orders this will happen over and over! Remember that!¡±


    She breathes heavily after the non-stop yelling.


    Are the threats over?I wanted to question that to her, but I decided to stop for I knew that it¡¯d just make things worse. Neither displaying a body language of retaliation nor a sign of hate, I chose to keep my mouth shut to observe her give up. She turned around with teeth still gritted and fists clenched tight. She bit her lower lip while going back to her seat. That girl has awful problems in the head, I guessed at this point in time, there was no cure for her. No one could change that ill manner.


    She was still living the delusion that she was dominant in the class, so her requests must be fulfilled without complaints. Since I neglected her letter, that also meant I ignored her entire presence. And this was the result. I was beaten up for good. It was unexpected to think that my conclusion yesterday was all wrong. Well, that wasn¡¯t my fault. How would someone assume that she -of all the people in this old town- was asking for my assistance? Was she driven to the corner that far? While mulling about that question, I looked around to glance at the three girls. Each of them was smiling, enjoying the scenario. Meanwhile, my other classmates played the usual role of being an ¡°observer¡±. Since I was aware that bullying worsens each year, I researched that topic beforehand. Indeed, the statistics made sense.


    The older year you get, the more observer classmates you¡¯d have. They wouldn¡¯t do anything, even our class rep herself, couldn¡¯t oppose the bully. All that she did was to stare at me in defeat. The observers would always be in safe condition unless they interfere, that was always the rule inside the classroom. It was all the same, during grade school, scenarios like these were common too.


    This is the start, huh.


    As expected, my weeksonthe first year of middle school worsened. The three girls though, -even if I knew their true nature already- strangely played an observer in the class. Truth to be told, the girl from grade school was the only student who kept on harassing me. Maybe¡­ just maybe, the three girls lost interest in bullying me for knowing that I have suffered enough. All that they do was to laugh whenever I was beaten to the edge. I haven¡¯t seen them together with that girl either.


    The level of bullying varied from time to time, calling me as ¡°Germ¡± or ¡°Plague Girl¡± aside, she also messed up my locker, threw a wet towel on my face, sprayed the chalk from the blackboard eraser to my head, hiding -or sometimes throwing- my indoor shoes or any of my personal belongings away, punches me whenever she wanted to, purchasing an orange fruit just to spray the few citric acids from its skin to my eyes, writing vandals around my desk saying that I must die or go to hell, and other sorts of things that may either cause physical or psychological disturbance.If you come across this story on Amazon, it''s taken without permission from the author. Report it.


    April, May, June, three months came along since then until a week followed that the girl ceased from bullying. Of course, I¡¯d find it strange, but before I start to look for answers our homeroom teacher responded to my pondering via an announcement.


    ¡°Ayanokouji-san¡¯s paperwork was settled by her parents. After the summer break, she¡¯s going to transfer schools.¡±


    Change of schools, it was no doubt the announcement that I¡¯ve heard. Although the news brought relief to me, I still find it unusual and sudden. I assume it has some connections to her parent¡¯s work? So she was Ayanokouji-san, now that the teacher mentioned her name, I¡¯d keep that in mind. Who knows, maybe one day when we meet again, I¡¯d plot out how to exact my revenge. Today she was absent, didn¡¯t want to hear that announcement herself perhaps. The next day, and the day after that, Ayanokouji-san didn¡¯t come to school. She wasn¡¯t missed by anyone, though.


    Nonetheless, all her classmates -myself included- were eased for they knew that without her, there wouldn''t beviolencetowards me. One by one, my classmates started talking to me, saying that the change in schools was favorable on my part. Some of them even apologized for doing nothing whenthe continuousbullying happened. That day, I told myself, ¡°Glad that I embraced the pain¡±. This was the moment when I could call myself victorious. In case that girl still tried to bully me next week, I wouldn¡¯t be bothered any longer. After all, I¡¯ve resisted against her long enough that I was used to it, so a week of abuse doesn¡¯t count.


    Or so, that was what I thought. Ayanokouji-san was absent on her remaining days in school. Meanwhile, on the day of the send-off party, I didn¡¯t have the courage to face her, to give flowers and a letter out of compulsory. I stayed inside my room surfing around the internet with my laptop, letting the time pass until it ends, then start a new life tomorrow while promising to myself that from now on, I¡¯d seek friendship from my concerned classmates. It was around 4:00 PM when I was called by my mother. On that day, she was on day-off, which made it more convenient.


    She knocked and opened the door of my room saying,¡°Someone¡¯s looking for you. It¡¯s your classmate from school.¡±


    Classmate? I wascluelesswhy someone visited a certified loner. I went out only to feel agitated. Before the entrance, was that girl. While still wearing her school uniform, she stared at me. She was holding a bouquet of flowers which came from our classmates.


    She bowed her head and told me,¡°I want to speak to you.¡±


    I was bewildered that my following answer should be a refusal. But since she came all the way here just for me, as well as bowing her head as if swallowing her pride, I nodded by instinct.


    ¡°O-okay.¡±


    Before we went out, I looked up to see the skies getting cloudy. The rainy season of June, it seemed. Because of that, I grabbed an umbrellanearbyour door. I was supposed to get two, but Ayanokouji-san refused to have one. We walked and entered a small kids park composed of a few swings, a single slide, and a broken monkey bar. Right there, Ayanokouji-san took a seat at the swing while still holding the bouquet of flowers. On the other hand, I remained standing while thinking that if there was an uproar, I could run away in haste.


    After taking a deep breath, she began:


    ¡°The send-off party, glad that you didn¡¯t come.¡± She looked at the flowers and added, ¡°This bouquet of flowers that is in the brink of abscission, altogether with the fake letters of praise brings guilt to me. No one felt sad upon my transfer, in fact, they felt all relieved and happy. It¡¯s not like I¡¯m expecting a good parting remark since I do not deserve it from the start. I don¡¯t belong here.¡± She snickered at herself and gazed at me.


    ¡°I¡¯m afraid.¡±


    I faltered and stepped back at what she said.


    ¡°Today, before I leave¡­ I¡¯d like to confess everything to you. I also want this to serve as a warning.¡±


    I couldn¡¯t comprehend what she was saying, but the serious look on her face tells me that I should get a grip of myself at the so-called confession.


    ¡°Those group of bitches, I¡¯m aware that you know them.¡±


    She was talking about the three girls who bullied her on the second day.


    ¡°They are the mastermind of all these.¡±


    My eyes widened at that.


    ¡°Mastermind, you mean¡­¡±


    She nodded and looked down to the ground.


    ¡°Yes. They forced me to do everything. Starting with that letter until now, they were behind all that¡¯s happening to you. On the second day of school, they already made their move on me, forcing me to do all that they wanted to. As a matter of fact, they made me live to the delusion that I can join their group once I comply with all their orders, but months came that it never happened. How foolish I am to keep on following their command never knowing that they are just toying me around. They¡¯re having fun by watching us look like idiots. Perhaps you don¡¯t have any idea why I forced myself to leave this fucking place.¡±


    She gazed to my eyes and continued,¡°Every week, their bullying gets tougher. And do you know the order that made me decide to run away?¡±


    I gulped at her question as she went on.


    ¡°Ever since the week I stopped from bullying you, they ordered me to kill you.¡±


    My eyes widened at its worst miserable state. They order her to kill me? It was too unbelievable to think that they could command ¡°killing¡± as a form of bullying. For god¡¯s sake, we were just first-year middle schoolers.


    ¡°K-killing me? D-do you think middle schoolers like us could do something like that? I-I¡¯m sure they aren¡¯t serious about it.¡± I reasoned out of nowhere.


    She glared at me.


    ¡°That¡¯s what I thought too. I¡¯m sure they are saying those to corner me. I realized just then that I was their target from the beginning. They knew that I can¡¯t do such awful acts, and since I couldn¡¯t comply with their order, that also means I don¡¯t deserve to join their group. Because of that, they bullied me¡­ be it either on our group chat or outside, they abused me to the utmost of their enjoyment. I have no choice but to run away from trouble, and changing schools is the sole option.¡±


    She stood up and faced me.


    ¡°That¡¯s all that I wanted to say. I hope this will serve as a reminder to you. Well, now that you heard the truth, what are you planning to do?¡±


    ¡°I-I¡­¡±


    I couldn¡¯t compose an answer. All these revelations were spilled onto me one after another that my brain couldn¡¯t cope up with it. The instant she turned around, I just thought of something to say. It was not related to the so-called original bullies, but I wanted to express it for I knew that after this day, it¡¯d be too late. I gritted my teeth and clenched my fists.


    Dropping my gaze once she advanced her steps away, I cried,¡°It¡¯s all your fault!¡±


    For the first time, I have the guts to tell her what I wanted. The inner desire of my heart was crying for an apology. The apology which came from the sincerest of her conscience.


    ¡°Whether you¡¯re forced to bully me or not, you can¡¯t change the fact that you did all of it! If not for you, this wouldn¡¯t have happened to me! Now after all that you¡¯ve done, you¡¯ll just turn around and casually leave like that!?¡±


    She stopped from her pace to look at me.


    ¡°You want me to apologize?¡±


    I didn¡¯t reply because everything was obvious.


    She averted her gaze and rebutted,¡°I won¡¯t do that. All the bad things that I¡¯ve done since the moment I met you was so dreadful that endless apologies aren¡¯t enough. Rather, it¡¯s all better if I keep the guilt to myself.¡± She placed a hand to her chest and glanced at me, ¡°This remorse in my heart and conscience is my way to atone for it until I grow up and die.¡±


    Her words rendered me speechless with eyes snapped open. She turned her back away from me and stepped ahead, and again she stopped while saying,¡°I have an idea. Since doing my part on this isn¡¯t enough, I suppose there¡¯s something that you can do.¡±


    She faced my direction and went nearby, and pointed her index finger at me.


    ¡°You¡­¡± She put her hands down and continued, ¡°Let it all out. I¡¯m sure, that all the hate that you¡¯ve stored in your small box only takes a matter of seconds before it explodes. Say all your expression of hate to me, so that I feel at ease too before leaving. Say it! Let out your rage!¡±


    Intimidated by her yelling, I couldn¡¯t speak up.


    She sneered and added. ¡°As I thought, you¡¯re so cowardly to do it. I have enough of this¡­¡±


    She walked out.Step. Step. Step.On each stride of her feet, she was getting smaller from my vision. She was far away and I was sure that once she was out of my sight, I¡¯d regret this day of having the freedom to shout. Just then, I discarded all my cowardice and told myself to be courageous. There was no room for being scared for she was the one who requested me to speak up. Altogether with the dark clouds shrouding the skies, I cleared my mind while taking a deep breath. I clenched my fists and hollered in rage.


    ¡°Huhhh!!!!¡±


    I snapped.


    ¡°My life was desolated because of you! Because of all your friends in grade school! I absolutely hate you that I¡¯d wish for you do die in a very painful way! You and your friends ruined my entire life. If I wasn¡¯texiled,if I wasn¡¯t determined as different, if I wasn¡¯t bullied! Then I could¡¯ve lived a normal life! It¡¯s painful! It¡¯s painful! It¡¯s painful! I¡¯m living this worst life every day!¡±


    The heavy rain started to pour as we stood still. I couldn¡¯t count how many tears I¡¯d shed each time I let everything out. My beads of sweat scattered around whenever I moved, and the gnashing of my teeth kept on reminding me of my ongoing suffering.


    ¡°I could¡¯ve seen myself smile from time to time, I could¡¯ve enjoyed hanging out with friends! I could¡¯ve been interested in joining clubs! You took away all the important parts of me! Because of what you¡¯ve done, I lost interest! Because I was hurt every day, I resorted to losing my sense of humanity! So that I won¡¯t feel pain¡­ I locked my emotions away! I couldn¡¯t even tell if I could still continue my meaningless life¡­ Thanks to you, I always feel anxious. I¡¯ve thought of suicide! Not knowing that I¡¯m already dead on the inside¡­¡±


    While I was yelling from the top of my lungs, all the bad memories that I stored flashed across my sight. The moment when I see them having a scornful laugh, kicking me around, punching me over and over, and calling me with vulgar and irreverent speeches, it was a miracle that I could still hold on. At an early age, I already thought of throwing away my life. I always asked myself if I deserved this. It was all their fault why my misfortune kept on going on. Because I was broken, I lost the will to adapt to society. I couldn¡¯t even bear to see myself in the epitome of success. Nothing good would happen, and one day when all my forms of escapism were done, I have no choice but to arrive at my final destination. The solution of every Japanese individual would be around the corner soon.


    Far away, she clenched her fists. Maybe she felt slight guilt towards the message that I had madly delivered. Several seconds of staying still after I stopped, she exited, fully satisfied. I wanted to punch her in the face until she bleeds. I wanted to kick her in the stomach until she falls. I wanted to exact my revenge today by enacting all the abuse that she did to me since grade school. But I¡¯d let it be. For now, I was satisfied by expressing my deep hate towards her entirety. It was enough for her to know that I hate every little part of her, be it either her looks or her personality.


    I looked up at the terrible weather and soon told myself that rainy days weren¡¯t so bad. Especially during this period when I was crying. At least, my tears would be washed away by the rain.

 Chapter 1 - Part 6: Long Boring Summer Break

    Summer break should¡¯ve been the best days of my life since it¡¯d be the most peaceful. When I was home, no one would bother me. No one would ever dare to destroy my life. In spite of that, it was also the most boring. I don¡¯t have any particular interest, so I have nothing else to do. Every summer break I always felt like this, it was as if the whole world was cursing me. So far, the only thing to do was to help with the household chores and watch random shows on TV. Exploring my social media, I often yawn at the same shared posts on my newsfeed.


    That girl surfaced to my field of vision. Ayanokouji-san left for good, but her warning rested to my brain as if it was forcing itself to be the source of my anxiety. So far, I have three options, it was either to transfer school like what Ayanokouji-san did, lock myself inside this room and become a legit hikkikomori<sup> [1]</sup>, or stay on attending school while enduring my day by day tribulations. With that in mind, I¡¯d choose the third option. ¡°I don¡¯t want to cause trouble to my parents¡± that was the reason that I kept from holding on just for me to continue this miserable life. I must either endure or welcome pain itself until the time comes that I have enough courage to make a choice.


    On that Monday morning of the second week of summer break, I had the urge to go out to free myself from these tedious days.


    ¡°I¡¯ll go on a journey¡±


    Hope that sounds cool.


    I explored my phone to look for this town on Google Maps<sup> [2]</sup>. Before going out, I properly dressed so that my mother wouldn¡¯t suspect. Going to the living room headed to the exit, I realized that she was still at the convenience store working. Without anyone to address with ¡°I¡¯m going¡±, I let out a sigh and still chanted:


    ¡°I¡¯m going.¡±


    At least I have to respect our home before leaving.


    I get a hard grip on my backpack while passing through our gate. First, I¡¯d like to find a peaceful place in this town. Some kind of a mountain or highland where I could be alone, breathing the fresh air while being surrounded by nature, was more than enough. Perhaps one place where I could shout as loud as I could too. It¡¯d be the perfect place to relieve myself away from stress. Fortunately, with enough searching, I have found one or two. The destination that I had selected was the nearer one of course. After around twenty minutes of walking alone, I was enveloped by a dark atmosphere. Each time I crossed with someone on the road, I always felt like I was being stared at. I imagined them holding a gaze of contempt at me along with proposing caustic remarks.This story has been taken without authorization. Report any sightings.


    I crossed two girls and heard them talking to each other.


    ¡°Isn¡¯t that one creepy? Fu fu fu.¡±


    One of the girls said while she was pointing something -probably a picture- on her phone. Although it was obvious that she was talking about something else, I have a pessimistic thought that they¡¯d speak bitter remarks about me once they disappear from my vision. I was always overthinking, and I often think about bad outcomes. Not long enough, I aborted my mission and ran fast towards home.


    Why did I do this in the first place?


    I posed a question to myself. Expectations would ruin reality. I just woke up in good mood and then had the impulse to explore. This was nonetheless a whimsical decision. Right, I had a good dream of exploring this old quiet town. That¡¯s what pushed me to do this activity. I thought everything was gonna be all right. I imagined myself sleeping on the grass while taking heed to the sounds of birds, but what happened today was absurd. First and foremost, a broken person like me shouldn¡¯t have the right to imagine myself being peaceful. My days should be either filled with abuse or not¡­ boredom. If I was outside, I deserve to experience endless pain. If I was inside my room, I deserve to die from boredom. Reaching the gate of our house, I took a deep breath. Being locked inside my room, which was considered as a prison cell of an old dungeon, was the best treatment for me. I must rot inside that place until the summer break ends, and once done, I must get out only to become a slave to those three girls. I entered the house while saying:


    ¡°I¡¯m home.¡±


    Oh, no one¡¯s home.


    Dropping my gaze while headed to my room, I opened the door and sluggishly lay down to my bed. With all the windows closed and lights off, I picked my phone from my pocket to know that it was my sole light source. I looked at the time and grinned in distress. I get out around 1:00 PM and now it was 1:48. I didn¡¯t even last an hour of walking alone. It was as though the town itself was a vast wilderness where I¡¯d feel danger in every corner. Each people were like wild beasts that could feast on me at any time. I was not originally from this place, so as an outsider, I couldn¡¯t adapt to this jungle unless I was considered as someone in the top of the food chain. Too bad, I was nothing but a dependent herbivore.


    And so, the days went on with the daily routine of eating, letting the time pass, then go back to sleep. Days came by with no significant or memorable event occurring. The numbers on the calendar were marked with an ¡°X¡± until it arrived at the month of September. Now that the boring summer break was over, I was more than prepared to take the first step to humiliation, pain, melancholy, breakdown, verge of tears, madness, and any tragic source of raising a miserable life. The second chapter of the tragedy in the making story was about to start.

 Chapter 1 - Part 7: Circle of Friends

    Before I could see the school gate, someone called me from behind. At first, I ignored it for I thought that I misheard something. Also, why would someone call my name? That was ridiculous.


    ¡°Hey.¡±


    Once I recognized the voice, I looked back. Behind me were four girls. They were the ones who talked to me and apologized for being ¡°observers¡± while the bullying took over. That includes our class rep wearing eyeglasses -she was the one who called me. Too bad, I could only tell who they were by their voice and faces, it was so stupid to ask for their names knowing that we¡¯ve been classmates for months. Couldn¡¯t decide how to make a proper response, I instinctively nodded.


    ¡°How¡¯s your summer break? Did you go somewhere?¡±


    What¡¯s with the sudden question?


    ¡°I-I went hiking¡­ with my parents.¡±


    I lied. I was supposed to say mountaineering, but that was a hardcore outdoor activity for them to believe.


    ¡°Oh! So you¡¯re into that¡­ nice.¡±


    Another girl, the distinguishing feature of her was a twin tail, so I¡¯d call her Twin-tail-san for now. Twin-tail-san butted in by saying:


    ¡°Where did you go?¡±


    Maintaining a conversation is hard!


    ¡°M-my parents were the ones who know the place¡­¡±


    ¡°Oh¡­¡±


    Their nonsensical questions followed by random conversations continued until we arrived at the school gate. Altogether, we entered our room. There was an unoccupied seat nearby the window. When I stared at it, the other girls glanced too, but their faces displayed relief.


    ¡°Aren¡¯t you glad thatshe¡¯sgone?¡±


    One of them -with a shoulder-length hair- told me. The light from the morning sun pierced through the window as it landed towards the empty desk. There was supposed to be a girl named Ayanokouji-san glaring at me seated on its chair, but now she was gone. She ran away from trouble, and at some point, I do get curious if her new school would fit her terrible personality. I bet she¡¯d be hated again there. Suddenly, one of the three scary girls went towards the desk while smirking. The remaining two was from afar holding their laughter, as though Ayanokouji-san¡¯s change of schools made them into a formidable victor inside the class.


    I stareagain at the other one, then noticed what prank she was planning. While holding a vase with a white flower, she placed the heartbreaking item on Ayanokouji-san¡¯s desk. After that, she returned to the group. Couldn¡¯t hold it any longer, they burst out laughing. Now I could tell how evil and disgusting they were. They have no respect. Putting a flower on the desk means that the person who once occupied it had died. Although everyone knew here that Ayanokouji-san¡¯s absence was due to the change of schools, they still pulled off that prank¡­ for the sake of their personal entertainment.


    ¡°They¡¯re evil.¡±


    Our class rep spoke softly.


    I agree with her, and since they were showing their true nature in the public now, I could tell that they wouldn¡¯t hesitate to bully me soon.Perhaps too soon, I thought. As they caught me staring at them, they went after us. The other girls beside me dropped their gaze, intimidated. Meanwhile, I didn¡¯t move an inch. I was more than prepared for this. So, what would they do? Punch me? Kick me? Address me with nasty insults or false names? My expectations were like an off-key note, though. Before us, they faked an earnest smile.


    ¡°Aren¡¯t you happy now that Ayanokouji-san left? I couldn¡¯t count how many times she bullied you. She¡¯s the worst don¡¯t you think?¡±


    But you were the ones behind it.The author''s content has been appropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.


    If I was strong enough, I would¡¯ve revealedthatwithout hesitation. Unluckily, I don¡¯t have the courage to step up. Despite knowing their ulterior motives of making a fool out of us, I went along the current by nodding.


    ¡°Hey¡­¡± one of them called indecisively. ¡°We¡¯re aware that we couldn¡¯t get along with you on the first time we hung out at the karaoke. It was our fault for forcing you to do the things that you can¡¯t do, it was also our fault for ignoring you after that.¡±


    Fakes.


    ¡°We regret that. So now¡­ w-we would like to¡­¡±


    Fakes.


    ¡°-start over. Is that okay?¡±


    Beside me, class rep gazed in concern while shaking her head in disagreement. I guessed she knew them more than I do. Caught in the act, the three girls scowled at her. That simple action alone served as a solution for her to leave and walk towards her seat.


    ¡°I-I¡¯ll go ahead.¡± Shoulder-length hair-san said as Twin-tail-san followed.


    ¡°Me too.¡± The other girl with a short height forced a smile at me before leaving. The circle of good classmates that I¡¯d supposedly have crashed down after a frown that resembled a scary threat. I was not afraid of them, but getting these good classmates involved would burst forth remorse on my conscience. If I make a move now, their attention would be pressed back against me.


    ¡°Of course. It¡¯s all in the past now so let¡¯s forget about it.¡±


    I played pretend. After I replied they smiled; they might¡¯ve thought that I was too easy to be manipulated. I would fight this battle alone, it was no differenttowhat I have been doing from the beginning. One of them wrapped an arm to my shoulder.


    ¡°Hey. Would you like to go somewhere after school? You¡¯ll be the one to choose for a place to hang out this time.¡±


    I bet they were enjoying this. Since this situation happened so fast, I couldn¡¯t think of an answer. That was why I reasoned out instead:


    ¡°I¡¯ll think about it¡­¡±


    They inclined their heads.


    ¡°Think about what¡­ picking a place? Or come with us¡­¡±


    ¡°U-Uhm, picking a place.¡±


    ¡°I see.¡± One of them sighed and continued. ¡°We thought you don¡¯t want to come.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ll think of a place. Thank you for inviting me.¡±


    ¡°I often see you skimming your Twitter. I¡¯ll invite you to our chat group.¡±


    I agreed as they invited me in their Twitter messenger group. As soon as the bell rung, their leader amidst them half-raised her hand.


    ¡°Talk to you later.¡±


    I headed to my seat located at the front crossing my concerned classmates. Looking at their eyes, I could determine what they were trying to tell. It was either the words of apology such as ¡°I¡¯m sorry¡± or a warning like ¡°Don¡¯t go with them¡±.


    I know. I know. Don¡¯t worry.


    Now that I took a seat, I started thinking for a place where I could either escape or humiliate them. Wait¡­ did I just say humiliate?


    Am I gonna fight them now?


    I received a Twitter notification on my phone.


    @Majo_77: [Have you thought of any?]


    I snickered upon looking at her name. Majo [1]matched her, she was indeed a witch. As our homeroom teacher began today¡¯s subject matter, I put the smartphone to my skirt pocket. Returning to the topic, I just thought of my last resort, reasoning that my mother messaged me to go home early. And so, that was what happened after school. Surprising enough they let me go home without complaints. I fell asleep on the bus and woke up a few seconds it arrived at my stop. As I get out, my smartphone vibrated. I looked at my phone to see plenty of new messages from the three girls. I already have a feeling that those were harsh remarks pointed towards me. Nonetheless, I still gave it a read. I scrolled up their conversation over and over until I arrived in the first unread message.


    @Majo_77: [You know that girl¡­ she escaped again.]


    @Kiriko_Shima: [Yeah, let¡¯s give that germ a piece of advice tomorrow.]


    @Kagawa48: [Germ huh, that¡¯s hilarious. She¡¯s called that way by the Ayanokouji bitch too.]


    @Kiriko_Shima: [Maybe she pooped on grade school]


    @Kagawa48: sent a sticker [POOP]


    Just as I thought.


    I scrolled down their conversation after concluding that I didn¡¯t have to waste my time reading it. I¡¯ve heard of this kind of bullying before. The bullies would force you to join their chat group, only for you to read their numerous sarcasm. I grinned upon thinking about their stupidity. Before doing these, they should¡¯ve first reconsidered the person they¡¯d bully. I was immune to their preposterous comments. If physical pain such as being punched was not a problem for me, no doubt psychological attacks like this wouldn¡¯t make me budge. My phone vibrated over and over but I decided to ignore it.


    I went home safe. It was around 9:00 PM when I went to bed, but strange enough, my phone was still buzzing. I never thought that their fingers have long tolerance for typing on the phone. Would they put on such an effort just to offend me? They were too passionate I¡¯d say. Now that I thought about it, what if I leave the group? My eyes snapped as I thought of a good idea. I opened my Twitter app and pressed the mail button leading me to the group message interface. Their tactless comments continued as I typed on my phone at full speed.


    @nless944: [I know your secrets. Ayanokouji-san told me every dirty part of your group. Go ahead and kill me if you can. @Majo_77, you deserved to be called like that because you look like a witch.]


    I had the itch to challenge and insult them. Was I out of my mind for declaring that? Perhaps I was still affected by their commentaries despite denying to myself that I was being susceptible to it. After sending the message, I left the group.


    [1] Majo (ħŮ) -translates as Witch.

 Chapter 1 - Part 8: Goodbye

    On daybreak after I insulted them in the chat group, I reached the classroom aware of the possible consequences. Two of the girls held my hands and dragged me into the room. Their leader waited for me nearby the locker where the cleaning tools were supposed to be laid. They removed the cleaning tools beforehand for me to fit inside. After forcing me in, they turned the locker to the wall so that I couldn¡¯t escape. Since the locker¡¯s door faced the wall, I couldn¡¯t open it. I tried to move around, but they pushed the locker back.


    Now that they have done it, surrendered quick. I¡¯d wait until they get tired. If they planned this well, then they should¡¯ve done this after school instead. For sure, I¡¯d be free once the classes began so I have nothing to worry about. If they do something to prevent me to get out even if the homeroom began, then I¡¯d shout loud so that the teacher could hear me.


    ¡°How does that feel? That¡¯s what you get for mocking us!¡± The witch began.


    I grinned for realizing how inferior they were.


    Embrace the pain.


    I recalled it once again. The three witches around here would continue this stupid activity. They may get tired of doing it for a day, but a night of sleep would be enough for them to rest and do the same tomorrow. In order for them to get tired and have enough, I must give them more than the satisfaction that they look forward to. Since I¡¯ve been learning to embrace the pain, all that it takes was for them to declare to themselves that bullying me was either boring, idiotic, or a waste of time. Once they¡¯ve arrived at that point, they¡¯d be forced to stop and proceed to violence when they like it, such as having a hard time with their parents. The only reason for them to resort to abuse was in terms of venting their anger onto me. Although the violence wouldn¡¯t stop, at least it would lessen.


    It was more than any achievement that I¡¯d look forward. And so, to satisfy themselves, I shut up. Even if the homeroom began, I didn¡¯t get out of the locker. I was declared absent as I waited for someone to release me from my dark prison. Whenlunchbreak started, I just realized that my bag wasn¡¯t with me. I worried about not having to eat, but then I thought that it doesn¡¯t matter. In fact, if I collapsed right here, I would sure be out. I have plenty of witnesses, so if something like that did happen, then it was time for the bullies to get into counseling. They¡¯d soon go to the conference room and¡­


    My eyes widened as I pictured my parents to my vision. If something like that happened, then my parents would find out the truth. Their quiet life would be devastated, and it would all be my fault. I don¡¯t want that to happen. With all the strength that a person with an empty stomach has, I did my best to move.


    ¡°Let me out of here!!!¡±


    I yelled from the top of my lungs. A moment after my struggle, someone turned the locker around. I opened the door to appreciate the light and fresh air. Beforemewere the four girls, and it surprised me that our Class Rep was crying. This time for sure¡­ I got them involved. I turned my neck to look at the three witches. Their leader glared straight at our Class Rep. I felt responsible for everything. I gritted my teeth and clenched my fists. I too glared at the three witches. At first, they were mesmerized, but soon they laughed at each other to make a fool out of me. I couldn¡¯t understand why at that moment, I felt the same feeling that I had when Ayanokouji-san was leaving.


    I get it.


    I looked around to see the cleaning tools. The mop attracted my hand as I get a hold of it. Suddenly, I went toward them.


    Anger. Yeah, that was what I felt. I wanted to destroy them. In the blink of an eye, all my worries about my parents knowing the truth disappeared. Since the four girls were involved now, it would result in the further expansion of the series of bullying. The ¡°observers¡± retired from being ¡°observers¡± so they became vulnerable to becoming the next victims. Once the expected situation befell upon us, plenty of people would be involved and it wouldn¡¯t be long before my parents would notice the uproar in the school. I figured that it was better if the attention would only be onto me. I¡¯d just apologize to my parents and hope that they¡¯d forgive the trouble that I caused.


    At some point in life, you must fight. No one should be called a cowardforever,because any of us could go wild when we couldn¡¯t suppress our anger. With the mop on my hands, I thrust the tools to each of their faces as they began to freak out. Over and over, I pressed the dirty "thing" to them. One of them ran away in disgust. On the other hand, the leader got pissed off and fought back.


    ¡°You really did it!¡±


    She held the mop with both hands and gave her all to pull it. The unexpected strength forced me to let it go. Then to exact her revenge, she moved it back and forth as it hit me to the stomach. I gnashed my teeth in pain, but it wasn¡¯t enough for someone who was used to getting hurt. At the moment I vision Ayanokouji-san leaving while the heavy rains poured that day, I comprehend that no matter how evil you were, there would be a point in time that they would lose. Since Ayanokouji-san came here, she experienced an unacceptable defeat.


    I wanted the three witches here to realize that life doesn¡¯t always result in winning. I wanted to show to them that the person that they¡¯d bully has the courage to fight back. I grabbed the mop once again and threw it away. I leaped at her as we fell to the floor, and then I had the chance to punch her face. I wanted to make a second land, but the other girl joined in to push me back.


    Looking at the Class Rep, I yelled, ¡°Call for the teachers!¡±


    She returned to the real world and ran out. Since the fight was two against one, I don¡¯t have a chance of winning. I hope that the teachers would see me beaten to the edge so that the bullies would find the trouble that they were searching for. I stopped from doing any actions as the two girls kicked me over and over. It seemed like this was the true moment of adapting the words ¡°Embrace the pain¡±. I complied to that principle and closed my eyes. I felt every hit that I received. If I didn¡¯t have that thought in mind, I would¡¯ve been crying so hard now. My body was aching all over, but I was able to endure it by welcoming the sensation.If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it.


    A few minutes later, the Class Rep returned with our homeroom teacher. Our homeroom teacher came startled as she observed the outrage amidst the classroom.


    ¡°What¡¯s happening! You two stop this!!!¡±


    Sooner they were pointed out, they stopped kicking me. Job welldone, Class Rep. Now my anguishing body could rest.


    The day after, my parents were informed by the unpleasant news. Their worries grew so sudden that it almost freaked me out. All that I have expected to happen came true. First and foremost, they apologized before me. Inside the dining area where we supposed to eat together, for the first time the entire family was present. Both of them decided to leave their work early, only for us to settle everything.


    My mother called my name and added: ¡°Through all this time, you¡¯re having a hard time¡­ you¡¯ve been enduring it until now.¡± She almost cried and continued, ¡°And here we are, focused on working every day thinking that providing your needs is enough. I¡¯m sorry¡­ we couldn¡¯t notice anything¡­¡±


    My Father interposed. ¡°It¡¯s our fault¡­ for not paying attention.¡±


    ¡°T-that¡¯s¡­¡± I stuttered and averted my gaze. ¡°-that¡¯s not true. I too should be blamed for this.¡± Tears shed even on both of my eyes. This was the first instance that I opened up to my parents, and I couldn¡¯t understand if I was feeling happy or sad. ¡°I tried to conceal everything. I couldn¡¯t speak because¡­ I was afraid. Father, mother¡­ both of you have done more than enough for me. You don¡¯t need to feel bad, you don¡¯t even have to apologize. I was the one who couldn¡¯t fulfill my promise. Remembered that day before we transferred here? I said that I¡¯ll change.¡±


    My mother walked closer and hugged me tightly. ¡°From now on, let¡¯s fix everything okay? Let¡¯s start over. Don¡¯t be afraid to tell us if you have a problem. We¡¯re a family¡­ right?¡±


    I nodded and observed my Dad stood up. ¡°Can I join in the group hug?¡±


    He smiled as though joking. I smiled upon looking at him while answering:


    ¡°Yes.¡±


    He came nearby as we hugged each other. It was a very heartwarming experience. After all this time, I could still call myself fortunate. I may have a nightmarish school life, but I have very caring parents. Instead of feeling depressed through all these years, I should¡¯ve been grateful to the present blessings that I have. They were irreplaceable -my greatest treasure. From now on, I would live for them. I¡¯d find my purpose for them. I would do my best to become a good asset in society, so that one day when they grew old, I could take good care of them. Their happiness would fill the emptiness in my heart because they were my reasonofexistence. At last, I had found my identity and goal.


    It was time to say goodbye. After all the trials that I faced, I found peace. My fight against the bullies was over. After they were caught red-handed, the four good girls stood to testify that the three were the ones who started. Because of that, they were reprimanded and warned that if the same thing happens to any other students, there could be a possibility of them being suspended or worse -expelled.


    Our teacher told us that they don¡¯t want to repeat the same abuse that Ayanokouji-san performed throughout the previous months. She said that the faculty was about to act regarding the matter, but it happens that Ayanokouji-san planned to transfer schools beforehand. At first, I thought: they should¡¯ve acted with it earlier; if so I would¡¯ve been having a much better life. However, another thought just came to me saying that it doesn¡¯t matter. What mattered most was what happened today, wherein I was in the place in which peace was never exclusive to a strong person. Even a gloomy and alone individual like me deserved it. I was more than glad for that that I¡¯d take it for granted without hesitation.


    The bullying stopped. COMPLETELY. Short after, the four girls became my friends. I started to know them, especially their names. Our class reps name was Kaguya Kiriyama-san. Twintail-san¡¯sname was Hinata Nishimura-san. Shoulder lengthhair-san¡¯sname was Ai Yanagi-san. Lastly, the short girl was Kanna Sekine-san. I first tried to call her by her last name, but she refused and told me that she preferred to be called by her nickname which was Kan-chan. In that case, the other three did the same. I was calling all of them by their nicknames, and so I thought of a nickname too.


    We became closer thanwhatwe expected. We hanged out almost every weekend, helped each other on our homework, and even created a culture club with the five of us as members. Sometimes, we visit each other¡¯s rooms, tell one another¡¯s secrets, and the like. I could ascertain that we were good, faithful, and trustworthy friends. We stayed in touch for the entire three years of middle school. It was so strange that the good times always passes by so fast, while the bad timesonthe other hand, feels like too long to end.


    Perhaps the reason was that, in difficult times, we were more engaged in thinking. We were always anxious about the day by day tribulations and we often assume that the time ceased, that our suffering felt endless. Meanwhile, on good times, our minds were always at peace. There wasn''t but happiness lurking around each of our daily life. If you were happy, you have no more room for a dreadful pondering.


    A sad newsstumbled. My Dad told me that he would soon come back to Tokyo because of his work. That means the entire family would come with him, and that includes me nevertheless. It has been decided that after my middle school graduation, I would be back to welcome my city life. To be honest, I don¡¯t favor it. Leaving this old town also means leaving my precious friends. That was what I was afraid most. I don¡¯t want to feel like betraying our companionship. Despite that, I still wholeheartedly accepted my situation after Dad apologized. He knew all along that leaving the countryside brought forth conflict to my friends, but he explained to me that he had no choice. He was honest to confess that he wanted both of us to be on the same roof as him. With that said, how could I still decline? I prioritized my parents above all, so if I was put to a dilemma, I¡¯d gladly select them.


    After we¡¯ve all come to terms, I also told the news to my friends the next day. Their reaction? As expected they were melancholic. I even shed tears by blaming myself for the faults, but later they hugged metight. It was a warm embrace that I have never felt before. They too shed their tears for me. That moment I realized how precious I was to them. They were willing to weep for my sake, after all. In order to give up an excuse to settle the conflict, we promised each other that we¡¯d exchange messages on our group chat every day. We could rest assured with it. At least, I would never feel alone. When trouble occurs, I could count on them, I could be open to express my problems on them, and they would be eager to comfort me at their best. I knew that we were gonna be far away, but our friendship would still be the same. I was sure of it.


    Tears from each other¡¯s eyes fell when we reached the school gate during our middle school graduation. No one holds on their sadness and expressed a bid of farewell. Before we parted ways, each of them gave me a souvenir, most of it was their personal belongings. Kaguya-chan gave me her favorite hair tie. I see it worn by her almost every day, so I hesitated to receive it until she forced me -reasoning that she¡¯d be mad if I don¡¯t wear it. Hina-chan gave me her keychain, it was also a part of her collection that I find hard to accept. Ai-chan gave me her earphones. Lastly, Kan-chan offered me her phone strap. It was newly purchased and she presented another one that matched it. Their personal things were my remembrance to our friendship that would soonbe longdistant. I promised them that I¡¯d take good care of their memento, and if I was given with the opportunity to return, I¡¯d present it to them on the same good condition.

 Chapter 1 - Part 9: [Reset]

    It was time to leave the old countryside full of good memories. I helped my parents pack our things, and after calling for the delivery service, we lounged inside the car and Dad drove it skillfully. While the car was running, I couldn¡¯t help but look back towards the road that it passes. It was sad to say goodbye, but I decided to be optimistic. Keeping in mind that even though goodbyes meant closure, there would also be a new door that opens. I have to move forward no matter what the circumstances were. That was how life works. I opened my Twitter to notify my friends that I left. It was followed by a quick reply of words such as:


    [Take care.]


    [Have a nice trip.]


    [You¡¯ll do fine.]


    -and [Don¡¯t worry about us here.] -along with various emoji and stickers. I could only smile at their messages that never failed to relieve me from worries.


    I replied at them: [Thanks. I finally left the town, just crossed a sign.]


    Beside me, my Mom tapped my shoulder and butted in, ¡°Once we arrive, we¡¯ll find and choose a school. You¡¯ll be late enrolled though.¡±


    ¡°No problem, Mom.¡±


    Hours had passed that I fell into deep slumber. I was tired of helping my parents pack our things, and the cold temperature from the car pushed me to the most tranquil state. When I woke up, I noticed a big difference from the view of the windows. The trees and vast fields full of vegetation were replaced by the tall skyscrapers of the city. The once peaceful and quiet area where the chirping of birds chime in was overwhelmed by the sound of the commercial ads on the buildings along with the droning vehicles. I thought: This is not the place I¡¯m used to; can I still belong in this busy environment where plenty of strangers cross each other?Sudden doubts degraded my confidence in making a new step ahead.


    We arrived at our destination. It was our old home and I was glad for it. I didn¡¯t know that we own the property from the start. I assumed that Dad looked for a new house to stay. Although this house was composed of nothing but dismaying childhood memories, I was still grateful. I was thankful of that past, for this time it bears fruit a present that I¡¯d treasure forever. I headed to my room and noticed that some of my plushies and toys were still there. Those came from my parents. It was something that I didn¡¯t wish for my interest remained empty at that time. I remembered that they bought these things for me thinking that it would make me happy -still ignorant of the fact that I was bullied in school. The past is past, I thought. I could never change what happened before, but there was one thing that I could be sure of: the future wasn¡¯t set in stone, as long as I have a present, I could always stand up to change my future.


    Just then I remembered: I was alone again. That thought abruptly gave rise to worries within my consciousness. After all this time, there was no way I could stay in that comfort zone. Was it an illusion? I couldn¡¯t deny it. My greatest fear wasn¡¯t about losing my friends, it was all about being alone again. On my first day of school, everything would reset. I don¡¯t know anyone from the class. Throughout my years in middle school with my friends, did I changed into someone who could profoundly communicate with any person? No. I didn¡¯t become like that. As far as I could tell, they were the ones who approached me. They were the trigger of our friendship. In fact, after the bullying was over I planned to be alone for the rest of my years on that school. I should¡¯ve trained myself to be an efficient speaker and listener while I was still with them. It was too late now. I was doomed. If I couldn¡¯t find any friends at my new school, at least I should try my best to be out of anyone¡¯s attention. With that method, there was a high probability that could I escape a dire fate. I realized that I just barely survived my middle school days. If my friends weren¡¯t there, I might¡¯ve been in worse condition.


    After a week, I selected a school. My Mom deal with all the paperwork for me to be admitted without further issues, and on the second week of April, my high school debut began. I wasn¡¯t late for the first day, that was a bonus. When I was about to leave the house, my Mom stopped my tracks and showed me the developed pictures of my middle school graduation. The images were kinda¡­ disappointing. On each picture, I could see my gloomy face. It was an honest display of my emotion on that day. I was sad, because I¡¯d lose my precious friends. I was afraid because I¡¯d start over in a different school. I realized by then that the essence of graduation wasn¡¯t about accomplishment, but about an end of a good life and beginning of a new road with no direction.


    I couldn¡¯t help but think that the past was a very long dream. As though it never happened. My friends were temporary characters in my life story. I doubt they existed in the first place.You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story.


    Imaginary friends, perhaps?


    At that point I thought:


    Graduation makes me feel like dying.


    I barely survived my middle school days and this year I''d be a high school girl. Teens often quote: years on high school was the blossom of youth. It''d be the most exciting and memorable chapter of life where they find romance and longtime companionship. So to speak, it''d be the phase where our youth springs into action. Imagining myself to have friends and hang out on weekends, joining an interesting club with pleasing members and reliable seniors, as well as finding a boyfriend that would be my knight in shining armor, was too good to be true. From this day on, that thought would stay like that -an imagination. To be honest, I wasn''t interested in it. I have plenty of life issues to take care of. In fact, I was expecting another set of horrible years from now on. Would this be worse than before? I mulled about that question over and over. For the next three years of my shameful youth, would I be able to survive? Every now and then I still hope that my life would change as long as I breathe.


    Therefore, that solution wasn''t necessary... for now.


    The last resort¡­


    I won¡¯t do that¡­


    My eyes snapped open, as I woke up from my daydream. Anxiety ruled over me again. It was reverting me to my old self -a person full of worries and fears in her daily life. I pressed my hands to my cheeks. I have to put myself together. No need to be afraid.


    ¡°I¡¯m leaving.¡± I told my Mom.


    She waved her hand and replied, ¡°Off you go. Do your best on your first day.¡±


    Ugh, she was raising the bar so high. Anyhow, I still nodded and smiled. I left our home and commute by train. On the way, I observed other schoolgirls with the same school uniform as I am. A black blazer partnered with a blue striped short skirt was good looking. At least, before I went out of my room, I made sure that I¡¯d look presentable to the public. I retained my old fashion statement similar to my middle school debut. I just hope that I wouldn¡¯t cross Ayanokouji-san in this city.


    ¡°Hey look¡­¡±


    The group of girls seated on the other side of the train glanced at me. I ignored them at my best, grabbing my smartphone and pretend that I was using it. Relentlessly swiping my phone up, I couldn¡¯t help but get intrigued of what the girls were talking about.


    ¡°Isn¡¯t she good looking?¡± The other girl said.


    Yes. I indeed made myself look presentable and composed, but I still couldn¡¯t tell if that girl was speaking the truth. Or if she was even speaking about me. Was her remark a compliment, or an insult. The other girls agreed one by one. Meanwhile, I continued to ignore them. After a while, the girls changed the topic and I heaved a sigh. I turned my phone to sleep mode and saw my reflection from it. I smiled, for the first time, a stranger appreciated my new look.


    Arriving at my stop, I went out of the train. After a few minutes of walking, I soon arrived at my destination. This was the new school where my uncertain life starts. I took a deep breath, then made my first step towards the school gate. As always, the old students were present along with each of their club propaganda. I heard a few sports clubs such as badminton club, soft tennis club, volleyball club, and the wind-ensemble club -which performed by the side of the school entrance. I¡¯ve also heard cultural clubs like light music club, photography club, art club, literature club, and flower arrangement club. With that, I missed our laidback and happy club back in middle school.


    I proceeded towards the information board to see my room and section. After a thorough search, I found my name. I was designated to class 1-C.


    I went to the room to explore. There were a few students already. I took a seat at the chair located nearby the window and waited for the entrance ceremony to start. While skimming the new posts on my Twitter homepage, another student entered. I stared at her for I was getting bored. At first glance, my intuition tells me that she was a loner. Her eyes were emotionless and shallow. It was like a reflection of myself from middle school. The expression of a girl that lacks the bright side of life. The sole aura that she could spread about was depressingly dark. One of the students passed through her and grimaced from behind. She was either bewildered or disgusted, that¡¯s for sure.


    I see. This time, there was a chance that I wouldn¡¯t be marked as ¡°different¡± because she filled the role already. If I stay away from her, quickly gain access to a small group of friends, and not do anything strange, my high school debut would be fine. Yeah, that was a good plan.


    The entrance ceremony commenced. I stood there yawning from time to time, wishing for the principal¡¯s speech to end. We soon returned to our rooms and had a seat arrangement. Lucky enough, my seat was at the back. I looked for the gloomy girl and I heaved a long sigh. Glad that her seat was far from me. With this, I could be more peaceful in case bullying occurred. I don¡¯t wish for it to happen, but I was considering the odds. Playing safe by taking the role of a common ¡°observer¡± was my best option.


    When the self-introduction led off, I had learned about the name of the loner. She was Kanae Yamada. At the moment she introduced herself, my hypothesis transformed into conclusion. The way she spoke and moved around reflected my old days. I¡¯ve got to stay away from her no matter how sympathetic she was to my eyes. From time to time I¡¯d pity her daily life, but I must suppress myself from befriending her. I should suppress myself from getting close to her either. She means nothing but trouble.


    Before long, it came my turn for the self-introduction as I stood up while clearing my throat.

 Chapter 1 - Part 10: New Life

    A few weeks had passed since high school began. There were good news and bad news. The bad news was that I couldn¡¯t find a single person to befriend with. I didn¡¯t know anyone and I still couldn¡¯t initiate a conversation. In spite of that, there was a blessing in disguise. No friends mean that I could focus more on the studies, and I really did. After a while, some of my classmates thought that it didn¡¯t matter to me even if I was alone. They thought I was a grown up¡­ and kinda cool. For such an assumption to exist, I have no choice but to get a hold of it. Whenever someone talks to me, I try my best to stay calm and composed.


    As far as I could tell, there wasn¡¯t an incident of bullying yet. Each day I had the habit of observing the activities inside the class, and I could tell that no one was getting bullied. Our class rep was also active with her duty, and that made me at ease. Though there was no dispute, I still find Kanae Yamada an issue. She wasn¡¯t bullied in the class, yet she has no friends. A sad loner, that was how I describe her. I had never seen her with someone, and every lunch break she stayed at the center of the classroom where her seat was located and eats alone. She doesn¡¯t talk to anyone. Often times, I see our class rep getting concerned that she tries to get along with Yamada-san. Her efforts were rendered useless, though. As if Yamada-san chooses to be alone, she wanted to stay away from everyone. After the feeble attempts of our class rep, I told myself that the only help I could provide was to leave her alone. She has her own world and I was never a part of it, neither do I wanted to.


    A month came until I could be used to the title that my classmates had given me. I focused on my studies, but occasionally, some of my classmates invited me to their afterschool get together. When I have no other business to deal with, I stayed at the library to read a random literature book. I was a member of the Going Home Club [1]so I always have the time to spare after class. I decided to not join a club for I was afraid that I may not have smooth relations with the members. If that happens, then the persona that I worked so hard to develop would be dropped in vain.


    On a Saturday afternoon, the class was done at 1:00 PM. I was headed to the library and I arrived there to find out that it was close. The Librarian which I just met told me that they had maintenance to the room because the air conditioner was broken. I comprehended the inconvenience and told her that it was fine. Nowhere else to go, I decided to roam around the school campus. A random stroll would fit the description of my unusual action. Along the way, I observed the students that were busy with their club activities. The light music club was practicing their band¡¯s coordination. The wind ensemble club had a separate practice for each of their section. I observed the oboe and euphonium members playing at the bridge upstairs, while the trumpet plays at the garden. The flute and piccolo were at the back of the first year¡¯s school building, while the trombone stayed inside their clubroom. I don¡¯t know about the other members, but I was certain that they were also doing their best. I heard that they were joining a competition. For sure that¡¯d be a tough one. Each of their melodies sounded good to my ears at least. I was never a judge of good music so I couldn¡¯t tell if they were playing it bad or excellent. Anyhow, I wished them luck. Hope their hard work would pay off by gaining something noteworthy. I continued my stroll while peeking at the windows of each clubroom that I passed on. Some of the students were having fun, some were taking things seriously, while the remaining were fighting each other. It was a variety of feelings that each member must resolve. There were always pros and cons in a club, that was the other reason why I didn¡¯t join one. I was not capable of handling its ¡°cons¡±.


    I arrived at the rooftop. This was the first time I came here and the cool breeze felt good. I climbed up to the small platform located just underneath the stairs and lay down. The blue sky became my primary view. I picked my phone from my skirt pocket and plugged my earphones in. Playing the song covers ofHarutya[2] while closing my eyes, I found myself in peace. Her soft sweet voice filled my ears the music that was enough to relieve my tiredness from walking. Shortly after, I didn¡¯t realize that I fell asleep. I checked the time on my phone. It was 3:00 PM. I passed out for around an hour.


    When I was about to get up to leave, I heard voices from below.


    ¡°Where¡¯s the money that you owe us¡­¡±


    Based on the tone of their voices I could guess the situation. I peeked at the scene to confirm my suspicion. The sight shocked me. My eyes widened. The loner -Kanae Yamada-san- were surrounded by a group of girls.


    Who are they?


    One of the girls lifts Yamada-san¡¯s hair up. I could see her struggle, but she was doing her best to control herself to retaliate. I know that feeling, in which if you displayed any form of struggle or sign of hatred, they¡¯d make your suffering worse. Damn it. How unfortunate I was to observe this.


    Why is it that there¡¯s always bullying?


    I was tired of watching such a dismaying sight. Regardless of, here I was doing nothing but to observe. I don¡¯t want to get involved for it would bring trouble to my peaceful life. I couldn¡¯t imagine myself returning to my old world where living was an everyday excruciation. Now, I understood what my teacher once said about me. Yamada-san must endure it. If she couldn¡¯t, then she has no choice but to change. Looking back at middle school, I obtained freedom when I fought against the bullies and exposed their misdeeds. I called to arms and changed myself. Yamada-san must arrive at that conclusion too. If she had the courage to stand up to defend herself, I was certain that things would return into their proper places.If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.


    After a series of ranting, the girl let go of her hair. The other dumb high school girls around her smiled and laughed for a moment.


    That¡¯s no laughing matter, idiots.


    I wish I could say that before them.


    The reason why Yamada-san wanted to stay out of everyone¡¯s presence was this. She was carrying a heavy burden that would affect those who wanted to befriend her. Perhaps, she desired to have a few friends, but she couldn¡¯t. She had no choice but to give up that desire. The group of girls was about to leave when another student came up.


    Was it class rep?


    ¡°Please stop what you¡¯re doing to her.¡±


    The moment the new student spoke, I heaved a sigh. It wasn¡¯t our class rep, it was a random girl.


    One of the girls gritted her teeth while saying, ¡°You again.¡±


    I wonder what¡¯s up with that girl. She was alone yet she has the courage to stand up before the group of enemies. She was finding trouble. There was no way I could do that! What was her deal? Was she pretending to be a hero or something? Unfortunately, this wasn¡¯t a comic book or even a novel. Here, there was no way she could win a fight against a number of enemies. She¡¯d just end up getting beaten to the edge.


    And so, that was what happened. The strange girl was punched to the stomach as she landed to the flooring. One punch was enough, how surreal. I thought she could endure a few hits. I couldn¡¯t tell why I was disappointed, though. The group of girls left her laying down while she stared up at the blue sky. Yamada-san, on the other hand, stopped for a moment and gazed at her, and then she left without saying a word. As though she found the girl as a nuisance for helping her out of nowhere, she thought that it wasn¡¯t her fault why the girl obtained minor bruises. Too bad, she didn¡¯t receive a simple ¡®thank you¡¯.


    After a while, I went down to help her get up. She was surprised to see me witnessing all that happened.


    ¡°Thanks."She expressed her gratitude.


    ¡°No problem. Why did you do that in the first place? You should¡¯ve just stayed out of trouble.¡±


    ¡°I just¡­ moved on my own without thinking anything. I¡¯m weird, right?¡±


    Yeah, totally.


    ¡°Don¡¯t do that again. You won¡¯t know, maybe one day you won¡¯t just end up with minor bruises.¡±


    I told it for her sake. She doesn¡¯t haveto involve herself in their problems. She must¡¯ve stayed as an outsider. That¡¯d be for her own good.


    ¡°I¡¯ll keep that in mind. But you know what?¡± She stared at the horizon and added, ¡°If I won¡¯t stop them, Yamada-san¡¯s problems would get worse.¡±


    I didn¡¯t expect that rebuttal. It sounded like she was more of a grown up to me. In the end, I only sighed.


    ¡°Okay then. If that¡¯s what you believe is the right thing to do, I won¡¯t stop you. Just don¡¯t get too worked up.¡±


    It was all that I could say. I was still in disbelief that such people exist. I could convince myself that she was a good person. Really¡­ she just helped a stranger in trouble. I rarely see people do that. In fact, this was the first time. I have only seen them in movies and fictional stories so it looked unusual.


    ¡°You¡¯re there the whole time?¡±


    I averted my gaze at her question. This looked like I was bad for not interfering in the trouble.


    ¡°Yes. But I was asleep.¡±


    I tried my best to find an excuse.


    ¡°I see.¡±


    ¡°You know Yamada-san?¡±


    I queried as she asked back, ¡°You know her too?¡±


    ¡°She¡¯s my classmate. How about you, who is she to you. You know her I suppose.¡±


    ¡°Hmm¡­¡± She shook her head in denial. ¡°Not really. It¡¯s just that, I always pity her for getting bullied by my classmates.¡±


    So the bullies are her classmates. That¡¯s a revelation to me.


    ¡°I only know her last name. I¡¯m just sad that she has to endure that everyday abuse. She doesn¡¯t deserve it.¡±


    I knew that feeling, for I undergo the same process.


    ¡°From the start of classes, I have seen her getting bullied. Again and again, almost every day. That¡¯s why I decided to stand up and conquer my fears and hesitations. People like them deserved help even if they didn¡¯t want to. You see, in middle school, a close friend of mine committed suicide because of the same issue. I don¡¯t want to repeat the same mistake. I don¡¯t want to feel the same guilt that I had back then.¡±


    I see where her courage came from. No doubt, her act was kinda desperate. She wasn¡¯t thinking of any move or plan. She just stood there and tried to help her as much as she could. What she has done was either compassion or compliance. I was not sure. Perhaps it was compassion, for she felt sympathetic towards Yamada-san. Or else, it was compliance towards the developing guilt that she felt to her late friend. It was hard to determine the true source of her help. Either way, I wished that her dedication wouldn¡¯t be shattered once the bullies¡¯ attention pointed to her.


    ¡°Hey, since Yamada-san is your classmate, can you help me?¡±


    Ah. Somehow, I was expecting that so I was prepared enough to answer.


    ¡°I¡¯m sorry but I¡¯ll refuse.¡±


    Yeah. I refuse from trouble and harm.


    ¡°I see.¡± She dropped her gaze and continued, ¡°There¡¯s nothing I can do about that now.¡±


    I find it strange to myself that I wasn¡¯t remorseful about my refusal. I first assumed that I¡¯d hesitate, but it looked like I was far from doing that. I¡¯d leave them alone for my sake. It was better to be a coward and live in peace than to be a hero carrying the burdens of the others. I chose to stay in my comfort zone and play it safe.


    I glanced at my phone to look at the time. It was nearly 5:00 PM.


    ¡°Okay. It¡¯s time to go home. Bye.¡± I raised my hand and added, ¡°Good luck to you.¡±


    She nodded. I continued to walk downstairs until I arrived at the school¡¯s entrance. Now that I was aware of Yamada-san¡¯s issues, that was more of a reason why I must stay away from her. I must retain my role as an ¡°observer¡±, and that would never change.


    I continued to walk until I realized that I forgot to ask the girl¡¯s name. Well, would it even matter now? I don¡¯t wish to see her again so it was best to stay as strangers.

 Chapter 1 - Part 11: Kanae’s Wishes

    The days went on and I kept the information to myself. I don¡¯t give a damn about her issues. That was her problem and she must settle it by herself. At some point, I envied her because there was that girl -a stranger who was willing to help her in any circumstances. Each day, I couldn¡¯t help but glance in her direction. I see her more stressed than ever. That only means the abuse escalates.


    I always have some questions like,


    When will she act?


    When will she snap?


    When will she fight back?


    And most importantly,


    When will she thrive?


    She¡¯d grow up soon. Just like me.


    We changed to our summer uniform. I continued to ¡°observe¡± until our class rep also heard about the truth. Again, she took the initiative to act. Morning class hasn¡¯t started yet so she decided to approach the victim.


    ¡°Yamada-san, I heard about your problem. A group of girls from the other class is bullying you, right?¡±


    Yamada-san didn¡¯t respond. I continued to look at them while seated on my chair. I must ¡°observe¡± for that was my role.


    ¡°I also heard that they are your classmates from middle school. They have been bullying you since the start of classes. I¡¯m here to help.¡±


    Yamada-san glared at Class Rep-san.


    ¡°Shut up!¡±


    Class Rep-san stepped back.


    ¡°Leave me alone!¡±


    I didn¡¯t expect Yamada-san to yell so loud. Most of our classmates present inside the room stared at them. Because they gathered attention, Yamada-san exited the room as fast as she could. I didn¡¯t know the reason why she snapped, perhaps Class Rep-san was too much of an annoyance. She had always been concerned towards Yamada-san and tries her best to act on her own, so I couldn¡¯t blame the loner if she wanted to get rid of her.


    On that day, Yamada-san didn¡¯t return into the room. She was absent and that elevated worries to our class rep. She blamed herself responsible for what happened. Each short break, she goes out of the room and tries to search. Yet, she always comes back empty-handed.


    On lunch, I went to the rooftop to eat. There, I heard a beautiful song. I was the type of person who likes songs with stories in it. The lyrics speak about heartbreak. It has a very good impact on me even though I haven¡¯t experienced falling in love.


    Falling in love, huh.


    I wonder when would it happen. I have never met nor talked to a guy of my age, and since I have been in an all-girls school, I kept losing the chances. I wonder what it feels to be in love. The song continued, and I find it strange that the theme ¡°heartbreak¡± doesn¡¯t really fit my thoughts of ¡°falling in love¡±. I searched the source of the music.


    My eyes widened for a split second. The song came from the phone of Yamada-san.


    Awkward.


    I averted my gaze along with the compliment, ¡°That song, it sounds good.¡±


    ¡°Are you here to bother me too?¡±Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.


    I heaved a sigh. ¡°What are you talking about? I won¡¯t bother you. I¡¯m here to have lunch.¡±


    I took a seat on the floor and opened my boxed lunch. I continued to eat without speaking a word. I wanted to prove to her that I wasn¡¯t there to be a bother. Although at one point, I couldn¡¯t help but propose a question.


    ¡°Your playlist sounds great. What¡¯s the name of the artist?¡±


    ¡°You don¡¯t know it?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t, sorry¡­ I just started to get interested in songs of various genres these days.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s Sangatsu no Phantasia [1]. Go search for it yourself.¡±


    I obeyed the command and searched for the name of the artist. I quietly played their music with the help of my earphones. The first songs that I get fond of were Itai, Blackboard Eraser, Daybreak, and the song cover of Kokoronashi. I loved the lyrics and how it was sung by the artist. The artist was filled with emotions to the song that you¡¯d feel her pain each time she tells the story. No doubt, a person like Yamada-san would love it. Her life was composed of pain, after all.


    ¡°I love their songs. Thanks for sharing it to me.¡±


    I wonder if she had lunch already.


    ¡°Hey, if you want. I¡¯d like to share the songs that I like.¡±


    She didn¡¯t respond.


    ¡°Try to listen to the song covers of Harutya; I love her songs.¡±


    I smiled at her.


    ¡°I know them already. I-I,¡± She averted her gaze and added, ¡°I listen to her songs too.¡±


    ¡°I see.¡±


    After I was done with the meal, I remained seated. I continued to listen to songs and never spoke to her. I don¡¯t want to be an annoyance and I kept in mind that she only brings trouble. Time passed until the afternoon class was about to begin. I stood up while rubbing my butt, preparing to leave.


    ¡°What are you gonna do now? Still don¡¯t feel like going to class?¡±


    I asked nonchalantly, and she answered a ¡°no¡± by shaking her head.


    ¡°I¡¯m going back now. Goodbye.¡±


    I guess she really preferred to be alone. I was on the similar orbit for I was also not used to be with other people. They¡¯d just make me uncomfortable.


    Before I walk downstairs, Yamada-san spoke from a distance. ¡°I wish I can be like you.¡±


    I turned around to stare at her.


    ¡°You¡¯re always alone, like me. Yet, you don¡¯t look lonely. You¡¯re good looking, and our classmates admire you.¡±


    When she talked about my good points, I walked towards her. I wanted to teach her a lesson. I wanted to tell that I was once bullied, like her.


    ¡°I came from an old small town, so no one from the city knows me. I was afraid to be alone, but I adapted to my circumstances. You know what? I was also bullied during grade school and in the first year of middle school, but I decided to fight my enemies and that ended everything.¡±


    I wanted to give her a push; that was the last thing that I could do.


    ¡°You don¡¯t know how evil they are.¡± She grinned in distress and added, ¡°They once forced me to drink a mix of coffee and energy drink. They pushed me down whenever they want to. They steal my things including my allowance. The worst thing just happened recently¡­¡± She dropped her gaze. ¡°They forced me to shoplift at the store. What do you think about that?¡±


    ¡°How about your parents?¡±


    ¡°They don¡¯t care about me, or so that¡¯s what I think. My grades are average unlike my sister¡¯s, so they don¡¯t have expectations.¡± She continued after a short pause, ¡°Honestly, I want to fight those girls. In my head, I want to kill them. I imagine their throat being cut off by my box cutter, and their eyes bulged out by my compass. But really, I don¡¯t have the nerve to do it.¡±


    With everything that she said, I kept my mouth shut. I don¡¯t know what to say because the bullying she was experiencing was on a different level. She was close to getting out of control. Now that she has thoughts to kill, there might be a time that she¡¯d trigger it for real. When she stopped caring about the world and herself, she¡¯d develop the impulse of resorting to violence. I don¡¯t want her to arrive in such denouement. That¡¯d be a dreadful sight. I still don¡¯t want to get involved and I want her to settle things by herself, but if that was the solution that she could offer, no thanks.


    All that I could do was to laugh nervously, as though pretending that she was telling a joke.


    ¡°Fu fu fu¡­ Please don¡¯t think about that.¡±


    The bell rung and I was thankful of it. Now I could find an excuse to cut the conversation.


    ¡°It¡¯s time. I¡¯m going back now.¡±


    I raised my hand while leaving and didn¡¯t look back. Upon arriving at the classroom¡¯s entrance, Class Rep-san approached me and questioned, ¡°Did you see Yamada-san?¡±


    Seemed like the issue was still troubling her. However, I have to lie for my own good. Shaking my head and answering ¡°no¡±, she dropped her gaze. The class ended at 1:00 PM for it was Saturday. I headed straight home and shut myself to my room. I never thought that I was close from getting involved to Yamada-san¡¯s problems. At the moment she wished the kind of life I have, I lost control of myself and went towards her feeling all sympathetic and concerned. Because my past could be related to her present, I often felt the urge of giving her a hand. Sure enough, if I was overcome by emotions again, I might jump into her boat and carry the same consequence. I must stop from acting on my own judgment. Before I make a move, I must always think twice.

 Chapter 1 - Part 12: I Saved A Life

    I spent my weekend getting out to have fun. Of course, I was alone. I planned to go to Tokyo Sky Tree [1] today. Since my status have always been like this, I¡¯d assume that having fun by myself would be more peaceful and less tiring. Going out with friends was a hassle, I experienced that in middle school. Because I arrived late from the train¡¯s departure, I first took a rest at the waiting area with a canned drink on my hand. The next train would arrive for a short while. To kill the boredom, I picked my phone from the pocket of my shorts and viewed my Twitter. The new posts entertained me, but sooner I stopped. After returning the phone to my pocket, I noticed the guy sitting beside me. I couldn¡¯t understand why I felt a gloomy atmosphere the first time I saw him. He was also scanning his phone but swiping it fast. He wasn¡¯t reading the content of the posts¡­ and I find it disturbing. He looked like someone of my age, but I sprang up doubts because of his worn-out appearance. It was like he had long devoured by depression and stress.


    He glanced at my direction and I averted my gaze. Have I been staring at him for so long? I quenched my thirst by drinking the canned beverage in one go. What am I doing? Yeah right, I panicked. I stood up to place the can to the trash bin, then returned to my seat with my phone clenched.


    Pretending that I was busy texting, I tried my best to ignore the guy. I looked at the time and noticed that the next train would arrive in a minute. Most people have gathered nearby the railway to wait. Meanwhile, the guy stood up and walked in the same direction slowly.


    I have to go too.


    I stood up. Upon turning a glance to my side, I saw a smartphone on the chair. It was from the guy who left. What was the meaning of this? Did he leave it there on purpose so that I could return it to him, thus he¡¯d find a reason for us to start a conversation? That was a creepy idea. Now, what will I do? I turned around and decided to leave it. However, after a few steps I changed my mind and picked it up. I don¡¯t really know but¡­ even though the guy looks a bit different, I was not in the position to judge him. The guy was a meter away from me. I scampered towards him and tapped his back. He turned around in shock.


    ¡°H-hey¡­ you left your phone.¡±


    I averted my gaze because I still find him creepy, and I did my best to hand over his phone.


    He kindly received it from my hand and said, ¡°Thanks.¡± Then he added, ¡°Now I don¡¯t have to go there.¡±


    I couldn¡¯t understand what he meant by that. He really headed to the station¡¯s exit the moment I returned the phone. I find the act very weird, but I let the topic go out of my head when the train arrived on time.


    On a sunny Monday morning, I woke up and the messages from my old friends made my day. Just a simple good morning on our group chat was enough for us to be connected once again. I talked to them about my experience at Tokyo Sky Tree. I also sent them pictures, and because of it, they noticed that I was alone. The pictures might¡¯ve made them envy me because of my city life, but they also find it as a way to tease me for not finding any other friends. Whenever they tease me that way, I always reply to them that they were enough, because they were my ¡°true¡± friends.


    I get up and prepared for school. It took more than an hour for me to get ready before I headed to the railway station. While I was in the waiting area, I saw the same guy as of yesterday; he looked more fine today because he was wearing a school uniform. He was a student of the all-boys high school nearby. For sure, from now on I¡¯d notice him every day. I took a seat four chairs away from him so that he wouldn¡¯t see me. However, it was all futile if he¡¯d be the one to come forth. Right, though I ignored his presence, he went towards my seat.


    ¡°Thanks again.¡±


    I looked at him and tried my best to smile. It felt awkward thinking that my smile was so fake and bitter.


    ¡°No problem.¡±


    Then surprisingly, he took a seat on the chair beside me. Seemed like he was eager, or desperate, to start a conversation.


    ¡°Thanks for saving me.¡±


    I was bereft of speech. After a few pondering last night, I knew that yesterday he planned an urgent appointment with himself.


    ¡°Yesterday, I was really planning to commit suicide.¡±


    The reason why he turned to the exit was because I stopped him; that relieved him from the impulse of taking his life.


    ¡°I was prepared yesterday. I get rid of all my hesitations, but when you stopped me, my courage scaled down swiftly.¡±


    Suicide. I have been thinking about that for long, but my strong will and optimism thrived. I know how it feels to think about doing such an act, so I couldn¡¯t just tell him to stop. Suicidal people were those sick of living and understand that killing oneself was a solution to relieve them of the problems that they couldn¡¯t handle. When I was bullied every day in the class, I also think of it as an answer and my last resort. I was surrounded by darkness and was preoccupied with the thought: ¡°Since my everyday was a living hell, wouldn¡¯t it be better to just end my life? If I was playing a game and my character keeps on dying, the best option was to give up and quit¡±.


    ¡°So you planned to take your own life. Why?¡±Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on the original website.


    Talking to a stranger with ¡°Suicide¡± as the main topic was strange, but I think lending him an ear would help. He was the one to approach me, and I sensed that he was seeking refuge. He hasn¡¯t freed himself from having suicidal thoughts. Once the train arrived, we¡¯d eventually have our separate ways. I¡¯ve decided to spend my time waiting by hearing him out.


    He smiled nervously at my query and answered, ¡°I¡¯m sure you won¡¯t believe me. I¡¯m just bored and afraid of taking responsibility. Sounds stupid, isn¡¯t it?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s not stupid. That¡¯s always what life is. It¡¯s boring, shallow, and dark.¡±


    I answered my own opinion of the matter. I believe we were on the same boat. At most times, I feel bored. That was the reason why I do my best to visit new places that would help me kill boredom. However, it would only help me distract myself, it doesn¡¯t give me happiness. In due time, I¡¯d get sick of doing the same activity. I haven¡¯t searched for a good interest yet, so I was growing weary about my boring future.


    Despite that¡­


    He continued, ¡°I¡¯m the type of person who doesn¡¯t get satisfied with what I have. When I found something interesting to do, I¡¯m so bad at it and people always reject my hard work, because of that I lose my motivation. Also, my future is already set in stone because I¡¯d take over the family business. Even if I found something that I want, it¡¯s futile. I hate the future that awaited me, and I don¡¯t want to take responsibility on doing something that I don¡¯t like.¡±


    ¡°Doesn¡¯t it sound like you¡¯re just complaining about your life? This is just my opinion but¡­ you¡¯re not alone. All people feel the same way. No one¡¯s content, we always have things that we hate.¡± I elaborated, ¡°I think those people who have found something that they want to do is also struggling. Those who have dreams are blinded by their dreams. They¡¯ll do whatever it takes to achieve it. There¡¯ll be a time when they wish to give up and get sick of it. There¡¯ll be an instance that they¡¯ll hate what they usually love. There¡¯ll be a moment that they¡¯ll curse their passion.¡±


    I looked at him with all the optimism that I have. I smiled and added, ¡°An artist will work every day to improve his skill in drawing. A writer will write every day to expand his skill in writing. A singer will practice every day to have a good voice. You may say that they love what they do, but deep inside the compassion lies their frustration. You can¡¯t be the best all the time, after all. How about those who haven¡¯t found their passion yet? Here¡¯s my answer: they still have freedom.¡±


    Staring at my face, he inclined his head and parroted my words, ¡°Freedom?¡±


    I nodded.


    ¡°Yes. Those people who haven¡¯t found something that they love are still free to choose what they want to be. Unlike those who find their dreams, they¡¯ve already fixed their attention to it. However, you and I, for example, are still free to do anything that gives us interest cuz we have plenty of time. Great things have yet to come, that¡¯s what I often think whenever I feel bored, then I try my best to find something that¡¯ll entertain me.¡±


    I continued to the other topic, ¡°In regards to your issues about taking over your family business, here¡¯s the only thing that I can say. Learn to love it. Instead of thinking that it¡¯s gonna be your responsibility, think of it as a ¡®privilege¡¯ given to you by your parents. I¡¯m sure they trust you, and all you have to do is to fulfill their trust.¡±


    He dropped his gaze at my response; he smiled and replied, ¡°I didn¡¯t expect those words to come out from a stranger. Thank you for encouraging me to stand up once again. You know, I always have fear about living. I feared that no matter what I do, I¡¯d remain insignificant to anyone. Today, all that I do is to obey my parents, to continue my studies and attain their expectations. I don¡¯t feel like living my own life honestly.¡±


    ¡°I was once like that. When I was a kid I was bullied. All that I wished each day was to escape my prison cell. Fortunately, my wish came true. I have a few friends and they¡¯re far away but, I believe that I could rely on them whenever I have problems. What I mean is, we have our very own time clock. You too would find meaning in your life, you¡¯d find something good so be patient.¡±


    He smirked, as though in disbelief of what I was saying. ¡°I lost. Today I found something great.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s good to hear.¡± As I smiled at him, the train arrived with no delay.


    ¡°Okay, I gotta go now.¡± I stood up and turned around. I looked back and queried, ¡°Are you gonna ride the same train?¡±


    He stood up and nodded, ¡°Yeah.¡±


    ¡°Let¡¯s go.¡±


    I went ahead of him and entered. He on the other hand turned back and said, ¡°My bag¡­¡± He looked everywhere, ¡°I left it somewhere.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s bad. The door¡¯s gonna close soon.¡±


    ¡°You can go ahead then, I¡¯ll look for it first.¡±


    I nodded with a smile, ¡°Okay. Hope you¡¯ll find it.¡±


    He bowed his head, ¡°Thanks again for talking to me.¡±


    ¡°No problem.¡±


    I see. I haven¡¯t asked for his name yet.


    ¡°We haven¡¯t introduced ourselves to each other. What¡¯s your name?¡±


    He stared at my face. ¡°I¡¯m Akamatsu Yasuhiro. And you?¡±


    Before I could reply, the doors closed. All that I could do was to wave him farewell. It was the first time I talked to a guy of my age. I know that the topic was kinda serious but¡­ to be honest, relieving him from all his worries gave me a purpose. Because of simple and honest words of advice that encouraged him, I saved his life. I was aware that my words would fade in lesser time, but even if an hour of extended lifespan was raised, that would mean a lot to me. I never thought of it as a method to prolong his suffering, rather, what I gave him was a small hope -an evanescent ember in his dark world.


    It has been a while since I found myself having worth. Through all the months, I haven¡¯t been productive at anything. Yes, I study well and maintained my good grades, but that was just a common course in my life. Today was different. I was happy about it. What if I run into him again? I guess I¡¯d just say ¡°hi¡± and get on with a casual conversation. Unlike Yamada-san, Akamatsu-san¡¯s problems don¡¯t give me trouble. I was listening to his stories and follow up a piece of advice, it wasn¡¯t like I¡¯d get involved in something dangerous and horrifying. Yeah, accompanying him was much better.


    They both needed help, that was out of the question. Nonetheless, I have the authority to choose the person that I¡¯d give a hand. My conclusion? It was to stay safe.


    I was surrounded by depressed people. Both were the opposite. Yamada-san¡¯s daily life was a living hell and she doesn¡¯t feel her importance to her parents. Meanwhile, Akamatsu-san doesn¡¯t have people troubling him around, yet he couldn¡¯t obtain happiness. He was being tortured by boredom. His parents have high expectations for him, but the outlook must be paid by his unwilling responsibility. I couldn¡¯t conclude that Yamada-san¡¯s life was worse. There was no level or phase when it comes to problems. Either way, once we¡¯ve been trapped into the spiral of anxiety and depression, the result would stay the same. Depression, if not treated, would always proceed to its final stage which was ¡°Suicide¡±.


    Depressive disorder was like cancer, it begins with anxiety, followed by depression, sequenced to despair, and ends in suicide. It was no doubt one of the top terminal illnesses in the world which a few people notice. I was aware of such a disease, so I do my best to accept the truth but remain optimistic.

 Chapter 1 - Part 13: She Had Enough

    Yamada-san was absent for the entire day. Despite that, the class continued to its usual routine. No one else dared to talk to her, so I suppose even if she wasn¡¯t present, it wouldn¡¯t bear a change. Heck, I was mistaken. There was one concerned classmate. Well, generally she¡¯d be concerned to anyone for she was our class rep. This time though, her feelings were mixed with anxiousness. Perhaps she still felt responsible for the girl¡¯s absence. The last time Yamada-san was here, she showed everyone a different side of her. That was the first time we heard her yell in public. I didn¡¯t think that the act brought her shame to the extent that she¡¯d stop coming, though. I was far more intrigued by how she¡¯d handle the bullying.


    After school, Class Rep-san stood in front and told everyone that she would visit Yamada-san¡¯s house to know the problem. She announced it in front of us, supposing that one would be concerned and join her, but since no one else volunteered, she declared, ¡°Would someone want to come with me?¡±


    My classmates glanced at her, most have definite excuses like:


    ¡°Sorry, we still have club activities.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m going home early today.¡±


    ¡°I have a curfew.¡±


    ¡°I already planned to go out with my friends.¡±


    Some were blunt enough to say such as:


    ¡°That¡¯s not our problem to handle.¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t even know her, why should I go?¡±


    Things like that.


    I stayed on my seat while observing them. When Class Rep-san and I exchanged a glance, I figured where this would lead me. She doesn¡¯t want to go alone. Unfortunate for her, my ¡°playing safe¡± status still won over my sympathy. I shook my head while staring at her direction. An easily perceived decline was my answer. No choice, Class Rep-san sighed in a loss and continued, ¡°Okay then, I¡¯ll go alone.¡±


    She left the room as if nothing happened. My classmates also went on to their planned tasks. When everyone dispersed away, I stood up and tidied my things before leaving. Encompassing the hallway, I crossed a familiar girl. She was no other than Yamada-san¡¯s hero. I guess I could call her that. Because each time Yamada-san encounters the bullies, that girl would always protect her. Well, she couldn¡¯t ¡°protect¡± her most of the time but, I guess effort still counts.


    She was nice in nature so I thought she¡¯d come to talk to me. I assumed that she¡¯d be a hindrance to my straight-ahead walk. I even tried my best to ignore her presence. However, what she only did was a glance. She decided not to step in. At first, I felt relief, but the strange sensation also opened my doubts. There was something wrong with her. From afar, I see her down and troubled. I guessed Yamada-san was involved to the issue. Saturday last week, after class, did something terrible happened? Was it the reason why Yamada-san was absent today? My curiosity kicked in, yet I changed my mind not to bother. Trouble would always stay as trouble. Involving myself to such things would cause a disturbance. I wouldn¡¯t benefit anything at it. That was no give and take so to speak.


    The next day, I waited for Akamatsu-san at the railway station. I don¡¯t know why I was looking forward to him. What was I excited about? Talking to him? Hearing out his problems? Making a piece of advice? I just couldn¡¯t determine. Yet, there I was expecting for him to come. Perhaps I wanted myself to continue feeling like having a purpose. Take a look about it; the simple conversation that we¡¯ve had yesterday made my day. I indeed gave him hope, but it was ironic to think that I too, broke free from my misguided direction. Up until yesterday, I was still in desperate of seeking my meaning of existence. Like what I told him, I was free to choose what I want to be, and my present choice was to lead him to a better life. That was a ¡°give and take¡± situation for me. I help him overcome his boredom, on the other hand, I¡¯d feel satisfied for I have a set ¡°purpose¡± towards him. Together, we could thrive over our desolate life.


    At least, that was what I envision between us. We¡¯d meet every day here at the station. Talk about our day by day tribulations, laugh at our problems and stupidity, and inspire hope to each other. At that moment I thought, I wanted to save his life so that I could be saved too. He wasn¡¯t the only one being killed by boredom. He wasn¡¯t the only one feeling like the days would stay the same. He wasn¡¯t the only one who couldn¡¯t find satisfaction. He wasn¡¯t the only one feeling insignificant. He wasn¡¯t the only one who thinks of being accidentally born. He wasn¡¯t the only searching for an identity. He wasn¡¯t the only one seeking refuge. He wasn¡¯t the only one who couldn¡¯t find happiness.


    I may have collected all the optimistic worldviews, but that general disposition couldn¡¯t destroy the reality I was facing. Optimism was no other than turning a blind eye from the truth. I could survive the trials in life thanks to it, but achieving happiness and satisfaction was a different story. Yeah, survival was my goal. Do you think surviving is what it takes to consider yourself living? I doubt it.


    How are we supposed to find the meaning of life if our life itself is meaningless?


    That was the reason why I desire a purpose.


    When you have a purpose, you¡¯d have a goal. And when you have a goal, you¡¯d break free from boredom. Purpose, if fulfilled, emits happiness and satisfaction. Yesterday when I gave him advice, I felt happy and satisfied. I found a ¡°meaning¡± in my life.


    A paradigm shift. He might be thinking that I was his hope, that he could rely on a stranger like me. Yet, at this point¡­ wasn¡¯t I the one clinging into him? Wasn¡¯t I the one searching for a purpose through him? Unbelievable¡­ but that was the truth. Glad that I accepted it already. If I lie to myself and dismiss the issue over and over, I could arrive at the point of being lost.


    Anyway, supposing that he would come, he would¡¯ve been here earlier. I waited for him enough that I let the trains pass. Was there a problem? I wonder. I looked at the time, I have been here for an hour, if I don¡¯t ride the next one, I¡¯d be late. When he didn¡¯t arrive as I assumed, I entered the next train. I felt uneasy. It was an emotion that I couldn¡¯t understand. Just because he didn¡¯t come, I came up with plenty of suppositions like, he hates me, he doesn¡¯t care about me, he had forgotten about me, I¡¯m nothing special for him, my advice yesterday doesn¡¯t offer help, he¡¯s still depressed while locking himself in his room, or worse¡­ he committed suicide.


    I easily faltered. I was aware of overreacting, yet I kept to overreact. Maybe because I was raising too much hope and expectations? Damn! That might be the case. You couldn¡¯t blame me though, that was just me being optimistic and all.


    A white flower placed on a slim glass vase -that was what welcomed me inside the room. It was placed exactly on Yamada-san¡¯s table. That was the first time I observed the entire class to be quiet. Little did I know, it was the end.


    She had enough.


    That was what everyone thinks around this time. In respect to Yamada-san, they all shut their mouths. However, no tears were shed except for one. It was evident that Yamada-san was no less important in the class. She has no friends, and she doesn¡¯t want to have one. About our class rep? Even today I still couldn¡¯t tell if she was doing it out of pity, concern, or duty. At any rate, here she was, the one student crying. She was willing to shed a tear at least, somehow because of guilt. What if yesterday when she went to Yamada-san¡¯s house, she was already dead? I still don¡¯t know the details, but suicide was the sole method that I have in mind. I couldn¡¯t just go and ask directly. I don¡¯t have friends whom I could demand an explanation. Class Rep-san may have witnessed how dreadful Yamada-san was. She hasn¡¯t posed an apology for what happened last week, so the creeping remorse was still present. In fact, now that she was gone her deep regret would intensify.


    I went to my seat. With all honesty, I don¡¯t feel anything. Like everyone else inside this room, I felt like no one was missing. I don¡¯t feel sorrowful, I have no hidden guilt, I don¡¯t care. I don¡¯t know her. I had a conversation with her last week. Other than that, I think about her as a stranger. Yes, I see her every day in the class, but does it count? She doesn¡¯t have a big role in my life, she was like some of those dead people that I crossed in their funeral service. You¡¯d observe their loved ones crying, but that was it. It wasn¡¯t enough for me to cry too. Frankly speaking, I would rather shed a tear for the death of a fictional character that I like from books, or cry because of listening to a sad song. Right, it was about impact. Yamada-san¡¯s life was devoid of anything. She has no memory to be remembered dearly. In the class, she wasn¡¯t a missing part of the puzzle. She was nothing but an extra piece that could be thrown away. My description may sound harsh, but it was the truth.


    Forget about the downside, if you look at it, at least she was freed from pain. I was the first person here who could relate most to her living hell. I know how hard it was to be enslaved to fear. The reality about how cruel people were surrounding you, was nonetheless enough reason to give up. Sometimes, you just have to accept and yield. Is that what I¡¯m trying to say? It was like, I don¡¯t give value to ¡°life¡± in general.


    She was sick of playing the same game every day. She kept on losing no matter what. Thus, selected the ¡°quit game¡± option. Too bad, she didn¡¯t even attempt to fight. She let go of her console without realizing that there were special buttons for her character to hit, move around to evade an attack, use unique skills, etcetera. If she knew it beforehand¡­ there would¡¯ve been a chance that she¡¯d emerge victoriously.


    Wasn¡¯t it my fault for not suggesting her to play tutorial? Nah, that wasn¡¯t the case. What happens to her, was her choice and responsibility. Whether I interfere or not, the outcome would stay the same.


    That¡¯s for certain.Reading on Amazon or a pirate site? This novel is from Royal Road. Support the author by reading it there.


    The class started with our homeroom teacher speaking about Yamada-san¡¯s tragic fate. In her message, she talked about how good Yamada-san was. It was obvious that pretty words would come out of her mouth. The unending praises from her eulogy made each of us think that our homeroom teacher knows her entire story and about how bullying destroyed her daily life. If someone courageous was to ask ¡°Why didn¡¯t you help her?¡± I wonder what kind of face she¡¯d present. We as fellow classmates don¡¯t have the will to offer help because fear stood in our way. Unlike them, who were adults and has more authority in the school, would¡¯ve made a difference if they act. No doubt they have reasons, but lately, the alternate name ¡°excuse¡± was more accurate. Was it because they were busy? Was it because it was stressful? Or was it because they don¡¯t care.


    Either way, it was too late now. We couldn¡¯t relive that day in the past which ruined our present. If we continued to look back, we¡¯d welcome ¡°guilt¡± to ourselves. Perhaps just like me, Yamada-san¡¯s life has no significant meaning on our homeroom teacher¡¯s biography. Suicide was a common thing in this cursed country, after all. When I became an adult, for sure I¡¯d hear about an old colleague who committed suicide. Perhaps my homeroom teacher was on the same scope of what I imagined. I should respect her choice too.


    I was not in the position to argue with her since all that I could do was to observe. I was also knowledgeable of the fact that Yamada-san was bullied. They said that wrong choices accompanied consequences. In this case, I selected the wrong option. With the bad end surfacing upon my present, what was gonna be the consequence? Guilt? Regrets? Atonement? At this moment I feel neither. In due time, would something wrong happen to me?


    Our homeroom teacher was done with her drowning message. Then, our first subject commenced. The class was normal¡­ the usual routine where the teacher asks a question and the students raise their hands for an answer. Each subject, the very first topic from our teachers was about Yamada-san. One talked about her issues, one of them warned us about how bad suicide was, the other gave us awareness about how depression and hopelessness attacks every individual -in fact, it was something I could relate most. Lastly, someone shared a story about how he was bullied too in his days in high school. I told myself: This is the first-time Yamada-san gathered the attention of everyone in the class. At the moment she was dead, sadly.


    Throughout the day, I consider myself to be in a dream. Whenever I stared at the flower placed on the table, I was still in disbelief about the truth. My mind was disoriented. I wasn¡¯t sure if this was a common occurrence whenever someone we know passed away. Death was always instant. Personally, I don¡¯t believe in a slow death. Even if someone was terminally ill, -saying that he was undergoing a slow painful death- when his deadline comes his loved ones would always be in decline of the tragedy. Try to imagine how a person you know would be gone forever one day. He was not in a long trip so you would never see, touch, hear, nor feel him again. Death was surreal in a sense that all the qualities of a person you know vanishes in an instant. Your subconscious wouldn¡¯t be able to adapt to the sudden change. In my situation, for example, I was used to staring at Yamada-san¡¯s seat, so now that she wouldn¡¯t come back, it felt hard to accept it.


    I was feeling a fraction of what her parents would feel. I hope they¡¯d cry for her because tears identify love and concern towards the deceased. I remembered, aside from Class Rep-san and Yamada-san¡¯s relative, there was another person who was hurt most. The girl I crossed yesterday at the hallway.


    The classes were done for today. I left the room and unfortunately, I met that person. She came out of the gate telling me, ¡°What a coincidence¡±.


    I knew enough that it wasn¡¯t a coincidence. The timing was too accurate. Presenting a stern stare, she added, ¡°Can we talk for a moment?¡±


    I was well-versed of the situation. We¡¯d talk about Yamada-san. I nodded and followed her footsteps. I figured that my refusal would reflect at me as if I was rude or someone who doesn¡¯t read between the lines. She went on and I followed her strides. After a short stroll, we arrived at the rooftop. She had chosen that spot to be reminded of that day when we first met. That was the day I have seen a strange and stupid girl who jumps into trouble. My first impression lasted until now. I still recall her as strange and stupid. Regardless, I suppose bringing that up was unnecessary. She was sad, and what she needed was comfort. If she cried later, what would I do?


    We freed ourselves from any activity and stood still. All that I could do was to look at her from behind. Meanwhile, she looked up.


    ¡°Fu fu.¡± She laughed nervously and paused. After a moment of silence, she went on, ¡°I dragged you all the way here and I don¡¯t know what to say right now.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s about Yamada-san, isn¡¯t it?¡±


    I replied for a sudden. I was straightforward, but it wasn¡¯t like I wanted the conversation to be over quick. I want her to stay focused.


    ¡°Hey, I made a mistake.¡±


    She rubbed her eyes, yet there were no tears dispersing out of it. Thinking about what she just said, I couldn¡¯t understand what she meant.


    ¡°What do you mean by that?¡±


    She dropped her gaze and answered indifferently, ¡°It¡¯s all my fault. I¡¯m the one who killed her.¡±


    Upon confessing to me, I felt the chills running through my spine. What a perplexing conflict.


    ¡°What are you talking about!" Perhaps I should let her finish. I overreacted again.


    ¡°I was too careless. When I told Yamada-san about my close friend who committed suicide, she was influenced by it. In other words, I gave her the idea of taking her own life. I know that she already considered ¡®suicide¡¯ as her option, and what I did was to give her a push. I¡¯m neither her hero nor savior, I was nothing but a devil who whispered her to death.¡±


    After the short yet vivid explanation, she let it out. The face that expressed melancholy had crumbled down the deepest region. She couldn¡¯t take it anymore. Tears burst out of the corner edges of her eyes. She failed the same quest twice, and the aftereffect was devastating. To her late close friend, she failed. I didn¡¯t know the whole story, but her friend also committed suicide because of the same circumstance. I could hypothesize that she was also an ¡°observer¡± around that time; and after her death, she decided to change herself. She developed pangs of remorse subsequent to the incident. In order to break free from guilt, she mustered the courage to stand and be a hero. To those people who have suffered the same as her close friend did, she¡¯d represent herself as someone who cares, give medial or emotional help, and stand firm against the bullies.


    That became her purpose when high school began. She wouldn¡¯t give a damn even if other people consider her as strange or stupid like what I do. No one could stop a person who was devoted to his or her goal. At the beginning of April, she found the right person. Yamada-san was the girl that she must offer a hand to. She must protect her from harm at all cost.


    Cruel as it was, the outcome stayed consistent. Now she blames herself for all the wrongdoings. Giving Yamada-san the idea of committing suicide may be true, but it wasn¡¯t her fault. She mustn¡¯t have held herself accountable for it. I was also the type who overthinks to situations, but I don¡¯t consider myself a victim most of the time. I don¡¯t want to accept a bad scenario if I don¡¯t deserve it. What she was doing right now was no other done inconveniencing herself to the problems of the others. Was she trying hard to be righteous? To the point where she¡¯d carry a farfetched burden?


    I could¡¯ve been blunt and tell how crazy she was. However, knowing that she was emotionally incompetent right now, I must pick the proper words. One wrong move and I could also leave her broken.


    So? How would I respond? By giving her advice? If so, what advice? I was clueless about what to say. My inner thoughts were telling me to leave and stay away from her.


    ¡°Thanks for hearing me out.¡± She let out a forced smile; it wasn¡¯t easing no matter how you look at it. ¡°I¡¯m happy to have someone that I could tell my problems to. You don¡¯t have to think of things to comfort me, just by standing there and hearing out my complains is enough.¡±


    She was good at reading between the lines. I wanted to heave a sigh of relief, but that would make me look sarcastic. She wiped her tears away with a kerchief on her hand, then smiled again. This time, it looked much better.


    ¡°All right¡­ thank you-¡± She scratched her head and added, ¡°Now that I recalled it, we haven¡¯t introduced ourselves yet. I¡¯m Miyako. Miyazaki Miyako. You can call me Miyako if you want.¡±


    ¡°Th-then, I¡¯ll call you Miyako-san. I¡¯m Shirase, Ayase Shirase. You can also call me by my first name.¡±


    I didn''t intend to say that, but I chose to go with the flow and not ruin the fun.


    ¡°So Shirase-san, then.¡±


    I nodded and smiled the best I could.


    ¡°That sounds fine.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m going now Shirase-san. I¡¯ve got some errands to take care of.¡±


    ¡°O-Okay. I¡¯ll stay here for a while.¡±


    To be honest, I don¡¯t want to walk alongside her. When she turned around and walked to the exit, I had the urge to speak.


    ¡°S-so! What are you going to do from now on?¡±


    I couldn¡¯t help but say it; for me to be relieved from the wearying question. She stopped from her tracks and looked back.


    ¡°What¡¯s your guess?¡±


    What was she trying to tell? Was she proposing a riddle? With a bitter smile on my face, I queried back.


    ¡°You¡¯re not thinking of committing suicide too, aren¡¯t you?¡±


    ¡°What kind of analyzation is that?¡± She grinned for a second and continued, ¡°I have to move forward. I must be more careful next time.¡±


    I uttered a sigh, this time with no constraint.


    ¡°Right. Next time, there are always second chances. That¡¯s what I believe.¡±


    Although I said that, I couldn¡¯t help but rephrase it in my thoughts. There may be a ¡°next time¡±, however, we must never deny the concept of ¡°it¡¯s too late¡±. Sadly for Yamada-san, it was too late.


    After ten minutes of staying at the rooftop, I left and headed home. At the railway station, I still find myself weird for staring around -hopelessly presuming that Akamatsu-san was here waiting for me. Of course, he wouldn¡¯t be here. If by chance he expected me to come, I was sure he¡¯d get sick of it and leave. I arrived here an hour late, after all. Once I confirmed that he wasn¡¯t present I get into the next train. I went home safe, despite that, I felt so tired. Plenty of bad things happened today. Yeah right, events don¡¯t go the way you like it no matter how hard you try to obtain it. For now, I¡¯d just sleep and forget my worries.


    I opened my eyes and tried to recall what happened last night. What did I have for dinner? Damn, I forgot. I did my best to recollect all my thoughts. I felt like I have no memory of everything that happened last night. Just then I figured out that I fell asleep as soon as I went home. That answered everything, I thought I have memory loss all of a sudden. When I glanced at my alarm clock, I realized that I woke up so late. I stood up fast and headed downstairs.


    ¡°Why didn¡¯t you wake me up?¡±


    I told my mother.


    ¡°Shirase, I woke up late too. I already prepared breakfast for you. I and your Dad is going to work now.¡±


    I nodded while having a sliced bread in my mouth. I prepared myself for school and went out. Because I was late, for sure Akamatsu-san wouldn¡¯t be there any longer. I¡¯d miss him again.


    Commotion.


    There was a commotion all around the railway station and there were groups of people gathered nearby the platform.


    I do not know what was going on until I heard an old woman beside me saying, ¡°The trains will be delayed; someone just committed suicide.¡±


    My eyes widened as I stopped.


    My legs froze in a daze.


    A man beside the old woman added, ¡°Poor student¡­ he doesn¡¯t know what he¡¯s doing. What an innocent kid.¡±


    Student?


    He?


    I was bewildered by the sudden breakthrough. Akamatsu-san; it was the first name that surfaced in my head as soon as I heard that the suicide victim was a student. I deny it. I don¡¯t want to believe it. I must make sure and take a look, but before I make a step forward, I already came to a halt. I was afraid. Not only for knowing the truth, but also for seeing a shredded or mangled body. Was I ready to ingest what lies beyond that group of people? I don¡¯t have the guts to move forward nor move an inch. If the victim was really Akamatsu-san, would I be prepared to accept it?


    No. Never.


    I was not ready. All that I did was to turn around and cry. I couldn¡¯t even confirm if he was the person who jumped. If I don¡¯t see him again in the station where we first met, could I say that he really was the suicide victim?


    I doubt it.


    --END OF CHAPTER 1--

 Chapter 2 - Part 1: [Shift]

    My eyes opened slowly. The first thing that I saw was a white ceiling and a lit fluorescent lamp. I couldn¡¯t properly move my body, but I could at least feel my surroundings. I noticed someone holding my hand. When I saw an IV line connected to my wrist, I realized that I was in the hospital. The entire ward was surrounded by white paint.


    I managed to move my neck to see the view from the window. It was winter; the snows barely fell, though. I saw hospital apparatuses around me. Was I in the ICU? The tools were life-supporting machines. I even have a long dangling tube-like thing connected to my nose.Unauthorized use of content: if you find this story on Amazon, report the violation.


    When the person holding my hand moved, I saw her face. She was asleep, must¡¯ve been here for a while.


    Although her face was familiar at some point, I find it hard to remember her. She was a woman around twenties with a long black straight hair. She was still wearing a coat. By the looks of it, she could be the same age as me.


    She woke up.


    After realizing I was awake, her eyes widened. Concerned enough, she was willing to shed tears the moment she saw me. After rubbing her eyes to wipe away her tears, she smiled and said,


    ¡°Welcome back, Akamatsu-san.¡±

 Chapter 2 - Part 2: Reunion

    The doctors came to check me up. They told me that I had head trauma and was comatose for about two months. It was difficult for me to believe it because I couldn¡¯t recall a single fragment of what happened. Right. I have memory loss; I couldn¡¯t remember anything before the incident, but I still have memories of everything else including my name, as well as my childhood up to my miserable twenties.


    Had I been involved in an accident? Or else, was I miserable enough that I considered ¡°suicide¡± as an option to break away? There was a possibility. I had been bored and hopeless in continuing my life, after all.


    ¡°I¡­ can¡¯t r-remember what happened.¡±


    When I told the doctor that I couldn¡¯t recall the incident, he stopped with a frown.


    He stared in a suspicious manner and answered, ¡°You are a hero. You saved that girl¡¯s life.¡± He pointed at the person who stayed in my room.


    The girl moved forward and bowed her head.


    ¡°Thank you for saving my life, Akamatsu-san.¡±


    She said with a broad, earnest smile. And then she added, ¡°I¡¯m sure you¡¯ve forgotten about me. It¡¯s been a long time since we last met. My name¡¯s Shirase; Ayase Shirase.¡±


    It has been a while since we last met, that was perhaps the reason why she looked familiar. Anyhow, did I hear it correctly? Did I really save her life? How? Why? I wondered.


    Ayase-san glanced at the doctor. The doctor then told us, ¡°I¡¯d leave for a while. I hope Ayase-san here could explain everything to clear up the misunderstandings.¡±


    He left the room. I felt like the incident was something personal that he allowed himself to stay away. Ayase-san dragged a swivel chair beside my bed and took a seat. She stared at my wrist where the IV line was connected.


    ¡°I tried to kill myself.¡± She said in a monotonous and eerie voice. Now it made sense why the doctor has to get out of the room.


    ¡°That day¡­ I was prepared to deny my existence and leave the earth for good. I removed the fear of death in my head. When I jumped towards the train, you suddenly appeared to save me. I didn¡¯t know what happened next, but I realized that I was safe. On the other hand, your head was badly injured. When my parents found out what I did, that was the only time I realized how a fool I was. Back then, I had forgotten about how important they are to me.¡±


    The story seemed surreal or implausible. No, I just find it hard to believe that I, a failure, would do something noteworthy. It doesn¡¯t make any sense, isn¡¯t it?


    ¡°Hey, Akamatsu-san.¡± As she called my name, we exchanged a gaze. Averting her stare, she continued, ¡°Do you¡­ remember me?¡±The author''s narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.


    She couldn¡¯t look straight to my face, so I replied, ¡°Let me look at you.¡±


    Her eyes widened for a split second. Sluggishly, she lifted her head to look at me. When I focused my sight to her, I recalled a ¡°spur of a moment¡± memory. I was still in high school when I met her. Yeah, it was at the train station. She was the person who stopped me from committing suicide. Now that my memory about her was clear, I also recalled how important she was.


    Why did I forget her?


    Through the years, I was always a failure. I don¡¯t make anything right. I existed to break things. That was perhaps the reason why I have blanked out.


    No, not really. I chose to forget her. As far as I could tell, we¡¯ve only met twice, so how could I raise my hopes towards her? It was obvious that I¡¯d cast her aside in my darkest times.


    Superficial as it was, coincidences take place at times we were not aware of. Who would¡¯ve thought that we¡¯d meet again? And in an unusual reunion like that.


    ¡°I remembered you; so your name¡¯s Shirase Ayase. I was the only one who managed to tell my name that day. It was a big mess.¡±


    I did my best to present a smile and she returned joyous laughter.


    ¡°Fu fu fu, yeah right. It¡¯s because you forgot your belongings.¡±


    After that, I couldn¡¯t think of other things to say. The silence went on. She too was somehow forcing herself to continue the conversation. A great coincidence as it was, but it happened so quick that I didn¡¯t know if I¡¯d be happy or sad.


    ¡°Hey, A-Ayase-san¡­ Did I really sav-¡±


    She butted in by calling, ¡°Akamatsu-san¡­¡±


    I refrained from speaking and let her go on.


    ¡°That day.¡± She looked straight into my eyes and continued, ¡°Where did you go? You disappeared so suddenly.¡±


    My mouth opened, as I tried to recollect all the important details in my memories.


    ¡°Sorry, I didn¡¯t even get to say goodbye.¡± I turned my head towards the window. ¡°Well, that day I made a choice.¡±


    ¡°Choice?¡±


    She parroted my words; I nodded and replied, ¡°Yes. Before I met you, Dad already gave me the assignment to look after our business at Miyagi[1], while I¡¯m still studying of course. Like what you said, I thought of it as a privilege rather than responsibility so I accepted.¡±


    She continued to listen as I went on, ¡°It was a sudden move and change of schools, but it isn¡¯t like I didn¡¯t try to say goodbye to you. I didn¡¯t go to school the next day after we met, because I began packing my things. On afternoon though, I tried to wait for you at the station, but you didn¡¯t come.¡±


    ¡°I see. I went out of school late that time.¡±


    I smiled, telling her that it doesn¡¯t matter.


    ¡°What¡¯s important now is that we meet again.¡±


    She nodded.


    ¡°Yeah. Let¡¯s start over.¡± She dropped her gaze and muttered, ¡°So it¡¯s all a misunderstanding.¡±


    I didn¡¯t quite hear what she said so I inclined my head while letting out a faint, ¡°Hmm?¡±


    She glanced at me, more or less flustered. ¡°It¡¯s nothing. I¡¯m just talking to myself.¡± She changed the topic all of a sudden, ¡°Akamatsu-san, thank you again. You¡¯re the one who saved my life this time.¡±


    At the moment she said it along with a heartfelt smile, I remembered the day I built up the courage to approach her.


    / Thanks for saving me. /


    That was what I said. Sooner I talked to her, I realized that I was important, that an ordinary person would always have the tendency to feel the same way I often do. That day, she gave me hope. She released me from my chains and guided me to the path where I could move forward.


    I still have doubts if I did save her. But here was what I think: Perhaps that moment when she tried to jump, I stopped caring about the world. I stopped caring to myself as if saving her from the dashing train was also a part of me committing suicide. If that was the case, then what I did was no heroic at all. Now I have these wounds around me. Despite that, I felt like the scars have beneficial compensation.


    Because now,


    my hope,


    Ayase-san,


    ¡­was here.

 Chapter 2 - Part 3: Turning Point

    My parents arrived. Ayase-san insisted to go out of the room so that we could maintain our privacy. My Mom tried to hug me, but she hesitated to do so after realizing that it may not be good for my current condition.


    ¡°My son, welcome back.¡±She said.


    Dad held Mom¡¯s shoulder from behind while saying, ¡°Welcome back, Yasuhiro.¡±


    They left their day job early. That was what I thought. Ayase-san might¡¯ve been in touch with them since I was admitted to the hospital, and the moment I woke up, they arrived here as fast as they could. Was that the proof of their love?


    Here was a plot twist. We were once rich, but because of me, Dad¡¯s long-reigning business was over in a year. I made a mistake again and again. I had always been a shame, so I find it strange that Dad would still come here to see me. He must be cursing me to hell now. This would be an unusual assumption but, did he change his perspective towards me because I saved a life?


    ¡°When you fully recover, let¡¯s go somewhere. Let¡¯s have a vacation.¡± Mom said, as though talking to a depressed little kid.


    ¡°Yeah. It¡¯s good to do something different for every once in a while.¡± Dad, smiling before me, seconded Mom.


    After that, we talked about various, random topics. Most of it was good times and my memories about it were vague. It was unfair that bad moments tend to surface out of our past, only for us to feel sad, guilty, or regretful. The good times, on the other hand, was often disregarded and thrown away. If humans just have the ability to be thankful in the midst of a storm, that would¡¯ve been the best. We would¡¯ve been contented and happy with what we have. We wouldn¡¯t have been worried about everything we lose. We would¡¯ve able to move freely, whenever and however we want. There wouldn¡¯t have been a hindrance in our actions. Just imagining myself to be in that state of affairs, I''d smile from ear to ear.


    My parents urged Ayase-san to enter the ward. She received a warm welcome from them. Likewise, Ayase-san was so thankful and told about my heroic deeds. The story that came out of her mouth seemed to lose its credibility because of exaggeration. They were full of joy, because of me waking up.


    Ironic, isn¡¯t it?That they obtained happiness from me in that way. Does that mean, despite all my mistakes and errors, I could still be significant in someone else¡¯s life? That could be true at least. What I witnessed today was the solid evidence, after all.


    Sooner than I know, I was discharged from the hospital. My head was shaved because of the surgery, yet the two months of coma was enough for it to grow a little. The doctor explained my condition. He said that I had trauma after my head rammed to the other side of the railway. The impact was bad that it injured the inside of my head, resulting in the blood to fill in my skull and brain. Immediate surgery was a must, and fortunate enough, I survived. The downside, I was declared comatose and I depended on life supporting machines from the ICU. Furthermore, I stayed bedridden for long, neither the doctors, my parents, my little sister, nor Ayase-san knows when I¡¯d wake up. While I was in a coma, I couldn¡¯t remember the events that took place. It feels like I was in a dream while hearing various voices. Some were familiar, but most were not. The doctor explained to me that it was a common thing for coma patients. Although the brain couldn¡¯t function through thinking and motion, the auditory sense still works. Like my case, I could still hear, yet I fail to understand nor recall what was told. I was compared to a newborn baby. The doctor told me that the voices from my parents, relatives, little sister, as well as Ayase-san¡¯s daily visit, was a big help for my recovery. He said that it helped my brain to stay active by registering the voices. It was a major influence on how I woke up in about two months¡¯ time.


    The entire family ate together. I tried my best to look all right. To be honest, until now I was in disbelief of what was happening. Eating together was already surreal, and Dad smiling -despite all the loss that he experienced because of me- brought me to sudden bewilderment. As far as I could recall, I haven¡¯t apologized to him yet.This story has been taken without authorization. Report any sightings.


    Would it be better to say ¡°sorry¡± right here?


    I dropped my gaze.That¡¯s not good.


    I¡¯d just ruin the fun if I do that.


    My little sister was present too. Although she still doesn¡¯t want to talk to me, at least she was doing her role by eating with us. Her name was Matsuri. She was now on her 2nd year of high school. She was once a caring little sister, and I find her cute as a kid. Yet, after she had a boyfriend in her high school, she changed and suddenly acted like a mature young lady. Thus, stopped talking to me. She started to hate me when I fail over and over to the point that Dad¡¯s business went bankrupt. Sure enough, she was blaming me for all the misfortunes that this family encountered.


    After thanking for the food, I headed to my room. My room was nostalgic. It was simple; only composed of a bed, a desk with a chair and a laptop placed on it. There were no specific and interesting things to see. It was true that rooms reflect with the owner¡¯s interest. If I love music, there would¡¯ve been a pile of CDs of my favorite bands inside, along with musical instruments that I wanted to play often. If I love anime, there would¡¯ve been sets of figures, games, and volumes of manga and light novels in my shelf. If I love baseball, there would¡¯ve been posters on my wall featuring my favorite players, and I would¡¯ve bought my own bat, uniform, or gloves.


    You know what? My room was empty. Anyone else could conclude what my personality was. A boring individual who has no interest in anything. A man whose cup was impossible to fill. That was the most vivid description that I could think of. Anhedonia[1], was it? Couldn¡¯t say for certain, yet I think of possessing that kind of mental condition.


    If I was the main character of a novel, it¡¯d be a boring story that must be dropped at all cost. Heck, I bet it wouldn¡¯t even face the light because the publisher would reject it without hesitating. Despite that, every story must go on.


    Life is a written novel. You must never skip the chapters that make you who you are, no matter how insignificant or boring it is.Sounds like a good quote; but in reality, it doesn¡¯t help. Time would always come that you¡¯d feel cornered and hopeless, thus throw away everything.


    I lay and rested at the bed. The ceiling and the light were the things that could give attention to my eyes. I still couldn¡¯t believe that I broke my old record of falling asleep for long hours. The last time took eighteen hours a day. Now, my new record was for one month and three weeks. Well, I wouldn¡¯t be able to break that for a while. Unless I sleep forever if you know what I mean¡­


    I pictured Ayase-san in my thoughts. The Doctor told me that she visited my ward almost every day. Was it out of duty? Or did she do it on her own volition? I still couldn¡¯t call a sufficient answer. Nevertheless, I must take for granted that she stayed with me. She helped me more than enough.


    I saved her life, and it was the best event that happened so far in my biography. Who knows? It might be the trigger of our cordial relations. I find it hard to comprehend, for the first time, I felt the strange feeling of excitement.


    No, that wasn¡¯t right. I had the same feeling the moment we talkedthat day.


    I heard voices from various people at the station. From kids to adult, talking about topics that I find either trivial or nonsensical. It wasn¡¯t that I don¡¯t understand their concern, I was not interested. I don¡¯t care about anything, because today, anything would be for nothing. Hell yeah, I was meant for nothing from the start.


    Right. Once our life ends, every little part of us would wither away.


    I heard the train approaching. It became louder and louder, as hesitation stood in my way. I closed my eyes, not to calm myself but to kill the doubts. With a quick gulp, I ran fast and jumped!


    My eyes widened. The first thing that I saw was the ceiling of my room. In shock, I find myself nervous while staring at my hands in the midst of tremor. I took deep breaths and clenched my fists.


    ¡°A dream¡­¡±


    I stood up and headed downstairs. I went to the bathroom and washed my face. Gazing at the mirror, I looked at my distressed expression. Why do I have those dreams? Up until now, do I still picture myself committing suicide? I should¡¯ve been happy to find Ayase-san in my life. I should be grateful and increase my appreciation for the blessing that I do not deserve.


    I clenched my fist. Why do I always think of dying? Slapping my face over and over, I told myself:I have to change! Yasuhiro, pull yourself together!


    Right. I have a good idea. Tomorrow, I¡¯d return the favor. I¡¯d invite her to go out as thanks for her everyday patronage. The succeeding events were my turning point, I don¡¯t want to waste this chance.

 Chapter 2 - Part 4: Warm Winter

    Late morning, I went to the kitchen where Mom cooks. I looked for Ayase-san¡¯s number and she gave it to me right away.


    By the entrance, Dad said, ¡°I¡¯m leaving.¡±


    Thus, Mom responds with, ¡°Have a safe trip.¡±


    Dad went to the garage and entered his car. The car¡¯s engine sounded as I ran to open the gate wider. Dad gave me a thumbs up for my initiative. He drove the car out along with my half-raised hand.


    I opened my mouth but closed it afterward. I wanted to address him farewell, but my bravado failed to push me to speak.


    I dropped my gaze and picked up my phone instead. I went to the dining area. Towards Ayase-san, I mustn¡¯t hold back. After registering her number and e-mail to my contact, I made a call. I waited for her to respond while clenching my phone tight. A few seconds passed and I assumed that she was busy, but at the moment I was about to cancel the call, she answered.


    [Hello? Who is this?]


    Hearing her voice from the other line, I wavered.


    ¡°Th-this is Y-Yasuhiro¡­¡± I stammered already, would this end well?


    [Ah¡­ Akamatsu-san. How are you doing now? I was planning to go to your house today.]


    Did I hear it right? She would come here? If I knew that in the first place, then I shouldn¡¯t have bothered myself from making a call. I sighed. Very well...


    [Hello? Akamatsu-san, are you still there?]


    ¡°Y-yeah, I¡¯m still here. Sorry¡­ I just thought that, since you¡¯re coming here, I think that¡¯s a better way for us to talk.¡±


    Damn, I was just trying to end the conversation for I have nothing else to talk about. She would come here, so I was planning to ask her to go out by then.


    [I see. You have a point. Well, how are you doing today?]


    ¡°I feel fine now, I still couldn¡¯t remember anything about the incident, though.¡±


    [Ah, glad to hear that.]


    ¡°Ayase-san is going here?¡± Mom crossed, her voice came from the kitchen.


    ¡°Yes.¡± I answered while drawing the phone away from my mouth.


    ¡°Well, if she¡¯s not busy this morning, you can invite her to come early. Let''s have her lunch here instead.¡±


    I nodded. ¡°Ayase-san, Mom here wants you to have lunch at our house. Are you okay with it?¡±


    At first I thought she¡¯d have second thoughts for the sudden invitation, however, she replied as fast as she could.


    [Of course yes! I¡¯ll come.]


    I smiled, never expecting her to shout for joy and excitement.


    ¡°We¡¯ll wait for you here.¡±


    [Okay. Thanks for calling, Akamatsu-san.]


    ¡°Thanks too. Goodbye.¡±


    [Bye.]


    Then I ended the call.


    From her room, Matsuri went to the kitchen while still feeling drowsy. She also woke up late.


    ¡°What do we have for breakfast?¡±


    She questioned Mom after a quick yawn.


    ¡°We have yakiimo [1] right there, it¡¯s perfect for the cold.¡± Mom answered.


    She glanced at the dining area and queried back, ¡°Where and when did you roast it?¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t sweat the small stuff okay?¡±


    ¡°Okay¡­ okay. I¡¯m sure you just bought it from a street vendor.¡± She affirmed while walking towards the dining table like a slug. She ate the yakiimo accompanied by constant yawning.


    I tried my best not to bother her, so I went to the living room and waited for Ayase-san to come. When our doorbell rang, I opened the front door to see her by the gate. I headed to the entrance and opened the gate and let her enter.


    ¡°You look a lot better now.¡±


    I glanced at her relieved, smiling face. We entered the house as she hanged her black coat behind the door.


    ¡°It sure is still cold.¡±


    She rubbed her hands together.


    In the living room, she took a seat on the sofa. I sat beside her, ¡°What do you like? Coffee or tea?¡±


    ¡°Hmm, I¡¯ll go with coffee, but not black. Just a mild white coffee is okay.¡±


    ¡°Sure thing.¡±


    I headed to the kitchen to prepare the coffee. Just then I realized that it was Sunday, no doubt she has no work. Matsuri don¡¯t have school either. How about Dad? Where did he go?


    ¡°Where did Dad go? It¡¯s Sunday, right?¡±


    I couldn¡¯t help but ask Mom beside me.


    ¡°He has few things to take care of. You know him, he¡¯s a busy man.¡±


    ¡°I guess you know what he¡¯s doing.¡±


    ¡°Of course.¡±


    Mom smiled at her heart¡¯s content.


    After preparing the coffee for both of us, I returned to the living room. There, Ayase-san was watching the news.


    ¡°Here.¡±


    I handed her the coffee.


    ¡°Thanks.¡± She took a sip of it and commended, ¡°It tastes good. Are you the one who prepared it?¡±


    ¡°Yeah. Anyhow, are you free for the entire day?¡± I decided to be straightforward, or else I might hesitate again.


    She inclined her head and answered, ¡°Yes I am, why?¡±


    ¡°I just want to invite you to go out.¡±


    ¡°Go out?¡±


    As she repeated my words like a parrot, she averted her stare.


    ¡°Yeah. As thanks¡­ for all that you did to me.¡±


    ¡°Wh-what are you talking about, you¡¯re the one who saved me. I should be the one grateful.¡±


    ¡°I heard everything from my Doctor.¡±


    Her eyes snapped for a split second.


    ¡°He told me that, you came to visit almost every day.¡±


    Staring at her cup of coffee as though her face was reflected into it, she smiled and replied, ¡°I see. That¡¯s just a part of me being thankful. I was thankful that day that I-¡±


    ¡°Then,¡± I chimed in, ¡°-consider this to be a token of gratitude. Likewise, I¡¯m also thankful for your daily visit.¡±


    ¡°It seemed like you¡¯re really into this. Okay, let¡¯s go out.¡±


    ¡°But do that after lunch, it¡¯s still so cold outside.¡± Mom came to remind us of her role. Yup, she was the one who invited Ayase-san for lunch.


    After exchanging conversations for a while, Mom prepared lunch. She took us to the dining area as we stared at the nikujaga [2] that she made. It was perfect for winter, and that brought us delight.


    ¡°So you¡¯re here again.¡±


    Matsuri addressed Ayase-san. I suppose after my two months of coma, they already know each other. All that Ayase-san did was a nod; they weren¡¯t close, I guess?This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.


    Matsuri smiled at her while saying, ¡°Be our guest.¡±


    Ayase-san returned a broad smile and replied, ¡°Thanks.¡±


    Smiles that looks fake to me.


    We ate together and Matsuri was the first to finish.


    ¡°Thanks for the food.¡± She stood up, ¡°I¡¯ll go to my room now. Nothing good to do outside with this cold.¡±


    All of us stared at her while she was heading upstairs. Mom decided to keep quiet at that time, she did her best to change the topic by starting a sudden conversation towards Ayase-san.


    After a while, we were all done with the good lunch and all together give thanks for the meal.


    ¡°Have fun. Enjoy your youth.¡±


    Youth huh, we¡¯ve graduated from that stage long ago. I never thought that Mom has weird taste in terms of word choices. She said that to us when we were about to leave the house.


    ¡°Thanks again for the lunch, Akamatsu Oba-san.¡±


    Ayase-san replied, it just arrived at the point that that was how she calls Mom to avoid miscommunication.


    We went out of the house ready for the impending cold. The month was January, and this happened to be one of the very few days of snowfall in Tokyo. Although balmy, that wouldn¡¯t mean anyone could handle the low temperature. Me for example, I had been used to the moderate heat from the ICU for about two months, so now I find it hard to adapt to the sudden transition of weather. Just walking straight was a struggle, to be honest. Each time wind breeze passes by, I felt the frozenly chills.


    ¡°It¡¯s freezing.¡± I noted, with my hands starting to shake.


    Ayase-san glanced closer to my face, worried. ¡°Are you all right? Should we turn back now?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m fine.¡± I smiled faintly, ¡°Let¡¯s go.¡±


    From that point, we stopped.


    ¡°Where are we going again?¡±


    She tilted her head upon querying.


    I heaved a sigh, the white cold vapor breath out of my mouth.


    ¡°What are we doing, honestly.¡±


    ¡°Fu fu fu¡­¡± Ayase-san broke into laughter.


    I looked back to see our tracks of footsteps in the light pile of snow. Going home would take a while now. This just highlighted my stupidity.


    Placing a hand to my chin while thinking, Ayase-san nudged my shoulder and suggested, ¡°How about we go there and start our plans?¡± She pointed her index finger to the convenience store on the other side of the road.


    I nodded. ¡°Sorry about this¡­¡±


    ¡°No problem. Let¡¯s go.¡±


    We entered the store for a short respite from the cold. We planned and organized things together, and for the meantime, our chosen destination was Tokyo Skytree. She told me that it was a good place to do various random activities.


    We took a ride to the fastest route towards Tokyo Skytree town. Arriving at our destination, we bought our admission tickets and entered. Ayase-san dragged me all the way to what was called Sumida Aquarium [3].


    ¡°Aside of the great view from the top of the tower, watching the cute penguins from the indoor open tanks is also a one of a kind experience.¡±


    ¡°Is that so?¡±


    She looked back and answered, ¡°Yes!¡±


    I followed her. When I was in high school, I went here plenty of times to kill boredom, so the sightings weren¡¯t new to me. When we went inside the first section, large aquariums awaited us. It was filled with various plants that grow underwater, along with nano fishes that swim in the vast tank. Ayase-san took a closer look at the tanks one by one. I could see her amazement each time she takes a closer inspection into it.


    On the upper level, there was the jellyfish section.


    ¡°This is great.¡± Ayase-san remarked.


    There were different kinds of jellyfishes from small to medium sizes. There were also tanks where the jellyfishes¡¯ changes color from time to time. From the colors, red, to blue, purple, each transition impressed us to define it as extraordinary. I mean, they don¡¯t have eyes or even brain. How could they do that?


    Surrounded by smaller tanks, there was a scientist wearing a lab coat. He was doing tests maybe? I don¡¯t really know but I guessed that was also a part of the attraction.


    Moving on, we headed towards the third section. It was called the aqua gallery that features animals with magnificent colors. I¡¯ve seen some glowing fishes, spider crabs, and different types of cephalopods. We didn¡¯t stay there for long because Ayase-san insisted to go straight to the next section -the coral reef exhibit. As what the name says, you¡¯d expect to see corals there. I thought that Ayase-san was getting excited over it, but I realized that the corals weren¡¯t the thing that she wanted to see.


    ¡°They are so cute.¡± She said, looking at the strange water creatures that you¡¯d first assume as plants.


    ¡°Weird.¡±


    Those were the garden eels. I find it unusual that they don¡¯t move out of their grounds. Like a plant, they stayed there bound in the sand.


    ¡°Are they just lazy?" I questioned.


    Ayase-san looked at me, ¡°I wonder.¡±


    I know nothing about marine animals. Perhaps they just want an easy life? Good for them because they were spoiled and taken care here. Their bottom part was embedded to the sand and their entire length sways about pointed up. That was why they were called garden eels.


    ¡°Splendid indeed.¡± Ayase-san commended.


    We stayed in that section for a while. It seemed that Ayase-san wanted to look at those eels forever.


    Section 5, it was the section where you could find the sea life around Tokyo Bay. Again, they have various kinds of fishes. Nothing expected from an aquarium. The section next to it was the opposite. It was featuring sea life ¡°out¡± of Tokyo. It was pretty interesting to see those large tanks along with large corals and a huge school of fishes roaming around it. I honestly wanted to stay there longer than any other sections, but after Ayase-san noticed the section next to this, she took my hand.


    ¡°Let¡¯s go, the cute penguins are waiting for us.¡±


    I couldn¡¯t do anything else but sigh at her excitement. I tried to be considerate; I never thought that she was so vigorous.


    The seventh section was where the indoor open-air penguin tanks were located. Ayase-san dashed nearby the tank to see how they eat. We were just in time for their feast. There were two people wearing a diving suit inside the tank and they feed the penguins one by one. I was not sure, but I guess it was a part of their proper diet.


    I went closer towards Ayase-san. She was taking pictures of the penguins with her smartphone.


    ¡°I wonder if they are also trained to dance.¡±


    She looked at me with a curious face. ¡°What are you talking about? Where did you get that information?¡±


    ¡°I thought they are tap dancing in Antarctica. Same with the movie Happy Feet [4].¡±


    ¡°Ah, so that¡¯s what you¡¯re talking about. Are you serious?¡±


    Of course, I¡¯m joking. Isn¡¯t that obvious?


    Even so, I went along, ¡°I¡¯m a bit disappointed. I thought the penguins will have a great tap dancing performance.¡±


    She laughed for a moment, ¡°Fu fu fu¡­ if they do I¡¯m sure Sumida Aquarium will be the best.¡±


    ¡°Isn¡¯t it the best right now?¡±


    ¡°Well, it is.¡±


    After they were done feeding the featherbedded penguins, Ayase-san pointed towards the small restaurant called Penguin Caf¨¦¡¯. As the name says, the caf¨¦¡¯ was devoted to penguins. Almost all the food there was inspired or derived from penguins. Cookies shaped like penguins, buns shaped like penguins, and even the pastries, they were molded from penguins.


    ¡°There¡¯s penguin everywhere.¡±


    That was all that I could say.


    ¡°Yeah right. It¡¯s marvelous. Beware, you might become a penguin fanatic.¡±


    After ordering our penguin buns, we found our seat. It was located good enough to see the penguins in perspective top view. They even have this guidebook where the statistics of the penguins were detailed on each line. It was supposed to give you more insights into the species of penguins there. I found out that they were around twenty kinds of it. I couldn¡¯t believe it to be honest; I couldn¡¯t distinguish them from one another.


    Done eating, Ayase-san dragged me all the way to the gift shop. I know that there was still the final section where we could observe the South American fur seals, but she dismissed it off. Was she not interested in it?


    I think so.


    Anyhow, here we are in the gift shop planning to buy a souvenir.


    At the moment Ayase-san¡¯s eyes locked towards the sets of penguin plushies, she was lured by it. Talk about penguin freak, she was the legit penguin fanatic here. She grabbed two fluffy penguin plushies. Me, on the other hand, was satisfied by the paper-folded fish art. I thought that it was a good display in my empty room. I was thinking of also buying the same penguin plushy that Ayase-san has so that I have something for Matsuri, but I changed my mind after I imagined her glaring at me. I could ascertain that she¡¯d curse me if I give it as a gift. She wasn¡¯t a kid anymore, and for those fluffy things to come from her brother would sure look creepy.


    Once we were done buying our goods, we went out of the aquarium and headed up to the floor 350 observation deck. The time was already 3:31 PM. It was just the right time to wait for the sunset. There were plenty of people up to the tower, so we decided to get to the top. Although there was an additional fee, I didn¡¯t think too much about it. The spent money would be worth it.


    That¡¯s for sure.


    We entered the elevator and it went up. While it was moving, we could see the view of the city. It was an amazing sight. The elevator opened, marking that we reached floor 450.


    Ayase-san and I headed towards the ramp to see the view of Tokyo from above. The once tall and gigantic buildings turned into small blocks and squares. The cars below us were like ants falling in line. The entire view was conquered by the vast skies and clouds.


    ¡°It¡¯s always great here.¡± Ayase-san said while staring at the apparent horizon.


    ¡°I agree.¡±


    Seconding her remark, I gazed towards the position of the sun. The light snowfall ceased, and the sun sets with the colors of the sky changing to bright red. Right here, the feeling was extraordinary. I have observed the same sunset before, but today when I was with her? It was different.


    I looked at her as she kept quiet; never losing sight nor blinking to see the full transition of light to the darkness. It was true that watching the sunset with someone important to you makes it more special. I smiled to myself. It has been a while since I had this true smile.


    Ayase-san, I had been longing to meet someone like you.


    Our eyes met. I never thought that I had been staring at her for long. She averted her gaze and so do I.


    Seconds after the awkward moment, Ayase-san stammered, ¡°Wh-why don¡¯t we head down now?¡±


    ¡°Y-yeah.¡± I nodded.


    ¡°There¡¯s still a good place that I want to visit.¡±


    I assumed that it was time to go home. While we were taking the elevator that goes down towards floor 345, I observed the city illuminating its nightlife. Speaking of nightlife, I could guess where we were heading next. There were plenty of choices, I wonder what place she¡¯d prefer.


    And so, we went to Shibuya Winter illuminations[5]. She wanted me to take various pictures of her on that site. We were surrounded by Christmas lights that shone brightly. It was January, but the decorated trees were still there to entertain people, especially the couples. Often times, we get embarrassed about what we were doing. The place just wouldn¡¯t fit us, I suppose.


    Ayase-san ran forward and looked back at me. Smiling, she said, ¡°Akamatsu-san, I want to know you more. From now on, can we stay like this?¡±


    I returned a smile to her message, ¡°Of course.¡±


    I couldn¡¯t argue with that. I too wanted to know more about her. I saved her from the dashing train; perhaps because I wanted to see a new perspective in life. I longed to see its bright side despite the risk that I may also die in the process. Maybe I was desperate? I don¡¯t know.


    Looking at the present, I could tell that my implausible caprice was a success.


    ¡°Thank you for today, Akamatsu-san.¡±


    We went to the station and had our separate ways. When I arrived home, Mom welcomed me.


    ¡°How did it go?¡±


    I inclined my head at her query.


    ¡°Everything went well. We went to Skytree and Shibuya illuminations.¡±


    ¡°Oh, I almost forgot that the Christmas illuminations are still on.¡±


    ¡°Hey, Big brother¡­¡± Matsuri called, she was lying there on the sofa with her eyes still pointed at the TV. ¡°Your face looks creepy.¡±


    That was her scornful remark. I was glad that I didn¡¯t buy a penguin plushy for her. She would¡¯ve freaked out in disgust.


    I sighed at her sarcasm proving that I was used to it.


    ¡°I¡¯ll head upstairs. I¡¯m tired.¡±


    I addressed Mom.


    ¡°But we¡¯ll just have our dinner.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m good. Thanks.¡±


    I went up. At the same time, Matsuri stood up and followed me. I looked at her.


    ¡°What¡­¡± She glared at me. ¡°I¡¯m just getting something in my room.¡±


    And so, I ignored her. When I get a hold of my room¡¯s doorknob, she suddenly cut in, ¡°Big brother, that girl¡­¡± She dropped her gaze, ¡°Don¡¯t trust her.¡±


    She walked ahead, leaving me clueless of what she just said.

 Chapter 2 - Part 5: Ups and Downs

    It was April and spring began. The weather was still cold this month, but luckily, I could manage. My old friend from high school -who was now a multimillionaire- offered me a job to be a caretaker to his property. I still couldn¡¯t find a job around that time, so when I told the matter to him, he gave me one right away. I don¡¯t have the leisure to complain about it, I understood we were once rich, so I, suddenly becoming a caretaker of a mansion, might ruin my pride as a person. I still accepted the job, though. I have no pride to begin with, and accepting any sort of job was something that I¡¯d take for granted. I kept in mind that I was a loser, that I don¡¯t deserve the offer, that I was the reason why my Dad¡¯s business was bankrupt, so with this small job, I¡¯d have a little step ahead in terms of taking responsibility.


    My task was to clean the entire house which includes a backyard and a pool. I also water the plants often. A boring day job if you could say. Well, most jobs were boring in the first place. I was alone in that house, so when I was done with the chores, I don¡¯t have anything to do. Boredom still kills me, but thanks to Ayase-san¡¯s suggestion, I get myself some rooms for entertainment. On my first day at work, I often fall asleep. I don¡¯t want to bother Ayase-san by chatting her through Twitter because she was still working. One time, I met her on weekend and told her my issues. At that point, she suggested me to read books.


    I have disagreed with her, but she rebutted arguing me that reading was interesting. She insisted for me to give it a shot and so I complied. Afterward, she shared her preferences. Those were books that were written by Miaki Sugaru [1]. The author has six novels so far. The first one that I read was Three Days of Happiness. To be honest, the line from The Beatles [2] on its synopsis was what grabbed my attention. I liked John Lennon¡¯s [3] songs too, that was what Dad often play when I was a kid.


    It has been a month since I was reading the book. I was a slow reader, so to speak. Although I have plenty of time to read, I still find novels hard to finish. No matter how interesting the story was, there were times that I don¡¯t feel like reading. The story was about a guy named Kusunoki. He was a failure like me and that made me relate to his struggles. One day, he found a place where lifespan could be traded for money. Heck, if that could happen for real, I wonder how much my miserable life was worth. With no exaggeration, this life wouldn¡¯t be equivalent to a single yen.


    Every time I took a break from reading, I take out a cigarette to smoke. This has been my lifestyle. I¡¯d start the day by waking up early and have breakfast, commuting for an hour, then start my job at my friend¡¯s house. On the afternoon, I would read books, then smoke whenever I want. On six, after securing all the locks of the doors and gates, I¡¯d go home. I have been doing the same routine for two months. The pay wasn¡¯t that good, but I think it was better than doing nothing.


    I was free every weekend. I often spend the day by staying home helping Mom with the household chores. When I have other plans, I either take a random stroll to nearby places or have fun with Ayase-san. Each time I was with her, our first topic was about the book that she suggested. I was happy with that simple conversation of ours, it was like we were in a world of our own, talking about things a few people could relate. I was happy that she could share her hobbies toward me. I wanted to share something to her too, but I figured that I don¡¯t have such things.


    I don¡¯t know the reason why I was like this. I always came to the point that I stopped on doing something without even trying. I suppose everyone could relate to that. For example, think of anything that you really love to do, then, ask yourself a question, was I doing it right now?


    I longed for experiences like taking a hike, helping other people or even telling my parents that I love them and say sorry for what I have done in the past. For some reason, something was hindering me to act. Hesitation stood in my way, it stayed there to trammel over my inner desires.


    This trivial weekend in April, I want to come and visit Ayase-san¡¯s house. I want to say hello to their parents since I haven¡¯t seen them yet. What you heard was correct. I want to visit them, but hesitations hindered me still. I wasn¡¯t acting on a whim, I have these plans in mind every weekend, but like the old times, I ceased on doing so. After I decided to not go, my phone rings.


    It was my boss, also known as my old friend.


    I answered the call, ¡°Hello?¡±


    [Oh, Hello Yasuhiro-kun.]


    ¡°What is it?¡±


    I was glad that I could talk to my boss in a casual tone. It sounded weird nonetheless.


    [Are you free today?]


    ¡°Y-yes.¡±


    [Please, I have a favor to ask.]


    ¡°Let me hear it.¡±


    [The house that you¡¯re looking over, I¡¯m staying there from now on. It¡¯s nearer to the publishing company where I work now.]


    ¡°Is that so?¡±


    He was staying there from now on, that means he doesn¡¯t need me anymore? I¡¯m forced to resign?


    [Please Yasuhiro-kun, can you help me transfer some things. You see, I¡¯m alone in my apartment.¡±


    ¡°O-okay, no problem. I¡¯ll go there.¡±


    [Thanks! It¡¯s a big help! I¡¯ll wait for you here.]


    I headed to his apartment. After a thirty-minute ride on a train, I arrived. He smiled after he saw me.


    ¡°Glad you¡¯re here Yasuhiro-kun. You¡¯re a life-saver.¡±


    ¡°So, what do you need?¡±


    He opened the door of his apartment.


    ¡°Help me carry these¡­¡±


    Those were large high spec computers. He already disassembled the parts, so I was guessing that the things that we''d find hard to carry were the huge system units and pen display monitors. These tools were to be expected if you were a digital artist.


    My old friend, his name was Nikaido Tetsuya. Nowadays, he was working as a manga artist. He told me the other day that his new work passed for serialization and would have a weekly issue. It was from a different magazine, so that explains why he would move to his old home. He had his debut when he was twenty. Ever since, he has been a full-time artist for the past seven years. I could tell that his previous works became a big hit, or else he wouldn¡¯t have that mansion.Reading on Amazon or a pirate site? This novel is from Royal Road. Support the author by reading it there.


    We were polar opposites. He was the true definition of a hardworking, successful person. I first knew him in middle school, though I wasn¡¯t his friend yet. He was a loner and getting bullied in school too, most of the time he spends his days in drawing. Even girls find him creepy. Honestly, I thought that he was wasting his time on doing something that ain¡¯t even productive. I considered any form of art as a nonsensical business, after all -this time that impression has changed.


    On high school, he often skips. I don¡¯t know the reason behind it, but I soon found the answer. He sacrificed his youth and invested time in his dream. The moment I get to know him was when I also skipped school. We met at Yoyogi Park[4] in Shibuya[5]. He was busy taking pictures with his DSLR camera. I called his name, when he saw me, he thought that I would make fun of him. That changed after I told him that I was interested in his drawings. I lied obviously, I just want to have someone to talk to.


    When he came nearby, I learned about his dream. I never imagined that such a person could have strong perseverance towards achieving something. He was drawing every day, repeating the same cycle for almost six years. His determination was solid. He told me that he submitted plenty of manuscripts for years and all of it was rejected. Despite the failure and frustrations, he kept on standing up, acknowledging his mistakes, and improve from time to time. In fact, he was taking pictures of the Meiji Shrine[6] for reference. It was the new one-shot that he was working on for the upcoming competition.


    He told me that what he needed most was luck. He already has the skill and determination, after all. He was the indoor type of person, and that proved why he feels uncomfortable each time he goes out to take pictures. I offered help by hanging with him every time he goes out. I was also familiar with places that were good to visit or discover, and for that reason, he agreed.


    The motive why I went along with him? I was desperately hoping to find inspiration. I thought that when I learn more about him, I would also learn how to persevere in life. I was expecting to have a dream of my own in the process. I imagined myself to be in a workplace where I could be committed. I sought for a cherished desire where I could endow my passion.


    It upset me to my downfall, though.


    I was the type of person whose cup was impossible to fill. There was never a time that I felt satisfied. It was either I want more or get rid of what I don¡¯t like. My teacher from high school once told me: ¡°There are two ways to satisfaction, it¡¯s to fight for what you want to attain, or to settle down for what you already have.¡±


    It was at that part when I came to question myself: If those are the exclusive paths to satisfaction, then can someone like me -a person who don¡¯t have intense desires to achieve something and cannot settle down to my status quo- gain it?


    I have no purpose. I don¡¯t have any road to take. Perhaps I was meant to walk amid the sandstorm where the scenery changes round-the-clock. I became a parasite that consumes my parent¡¯s provision. They don¡¯t benefit from me, much worse was that I destroy them.


    Hence, if I kept on clinging toward Ayase-san, would I also ruin her? Damn, this just made me more disgusted to myself.


    Enough with the soliloquy, I must help him now. Tetsuya-san was a skinny man, it was as though his arms could break in a moment, helping him was necessary. With my aid, we successfully placed the large items inside his car. Because it was huge enough to occupy the space in the rear, we would go back and forth. After all the tools were transferred, he asked me to stay for a while.


    Done as I saw his computer booting, I questioned, ¡°Will this be my last day in the job?¡±


    I couldn¡¯t disregard the issue.


    ¡°I¡¯m sorry Yasuhiro-kun.¡± He sighed, ¡°but since this is so sudden, I¡¯m thinking of still paying you, consider it as my thanks.¡±


    ¡°No. That won¡¯t be fair.¡±


    ¡°What do you mean?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ll just find a new job.¡±


    ¡°Are you sure?¡±


    I nodded.


    ¡°Looking at all your achievements, it makes me feel like I want to do more.¡±


    Tetsuya-san smiled. ¡°Is that so? Then I don¡¯t have anything to worry about.¡±


    ¡°Can I look at the manga you¡¯re working on?¡±


    I don¡¯t have anything to do back home, so I think having a little peek in his work was the best thing to do for now.


    ¡°Sure.¡± He took a seat on the chair before his desk and opened a project file of his manga. ¡°The story that I made this time is about war. My grandfather is a veteran, and I find plenty of ideas thanks to him.¡±


    ¡°I see.¡± I examined the detailed page in amazement. He changed his drawing style into more realistic, and it rendered the story perfectly.


    ¡°When I heard about Grandpa¡¯s story, I thought that we all take things for granted. He told me that the frontline is the description of hell itself. You¡¯ll see dozens of mangled bodies, and any second your life could be taken away. It¡¯s like you¡¯re in a FPS video game, except that in there, you won¡¯t respawn. Once you¡¯re hit, you¡¯re done. I want to depict the same atmosphere in my story, and with this too, I want to consider it as an inspiration to look back through our history.¡±


    I could see where his determination comes from. Somehow, I felt envious.


    ¡°Tetsuya-san, from when did you figure out what you wanted to do in the future?¡±


    ¡°Hmm? It¡¯s when I was a kid, drawing had been my hobby, and before I know it, I was submitting my works for publishing. I turned my hobby into a passion, I guess.¡±


    ¡°I wish I could have something like that too.¡±


    ¡°But you know what? Sometimes, I¡¯m getting sick of it to the point that I want to give up. There are times that I want to get rid of my responsibilities and break free. I want to run away and have a cool change in a place where no one recognizes me. No matter how I desire for it though, I must continue working. Plus, if drawing is taken away from me, what else can I do?¡±


    Once he said it, I recalled a memory:


    // An artist will work every day to improve his skill in drawing. A writer will write every day to expand his skill in writing. A singer will practice every day to have a good voice. You may say that they love what they do, but deep inside the compassion lies their frustration. You can¡¯t be the best all the time, after all. How about those who haven¡¯t found their passion yet? Well, here¡¯s my answer. They still have freedom. //


    Those words were composed by Ayase-san. It was long ago; when we were still in high school. Indeed, she was right.


    Those who have dreams were stuck in their dreams, even if they¡¯ve achieved that dream already.


    Unlike me, I still have freedom. I have options to choose from, I just have to find those options.


    ¡°Well, now all I want to do is to settle down and have a family. I¡¯m nearly reaching the age of thirty, yet I don¡¯t even have a girlfriend to start with. I have always been alone working, and I don¡¯t have time for relationships.¡± Tetsuya-san sighed in distress and added, ¡°I guess that¡¯s how the life of a manga artist works. We devoted our time for manga, and we¡¯ll die along with our manga.¡±


    Staring at me, he queried, ¡°How about you, Yasuhiro-kun. Do you have a girlfriend?¡±


    When he asked that, the first face that came to my head was Ayase-san. What am I thinking?


    ¡°No, I don¡¯t have any.¡±


    ¡°So you¡¯re like me huh.¡±


    Later, I decided to leave. He thanked me for all my help with his sudden transfer. When I arrived at the train station, I met Ayase-san. She was carrying raw ingredients, probably a preparation for dinner.


    ¡°Yo.¡± I half-raised my hand.


    ¡°What did you do this weekend?¡±


    ¡°I helped a friend with moving his things.¡±


    I didn¡¯t tell her about me being jobless again. She doesn¡¯t have to worry about it.


    ¡°How about you?¡±


    ¡°Nothing special. I just bought something for dinner.¡±


    ¡°Oh, I¡¯m sorry. Are you rushing home?¡±


    She shook her head. ¡°Nope.¡±


    Just then, I remembered my plan to visit her parents. I must bring that up!


    ¡°A-Ayase-san.¡±


    I stammered already.


    ¡°What is it?¡±


    ¡°Next weekend, can I go to your house?¡±


    ¡°My house? Why?¡±


    ¡°Just want to say hello to your parents. I want to thank them for letting their daughter visit my ward every day.¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t think that¡¯s a good idea.¡±


    ¡°What do you mean?¡±


    ¡°They¡¯ll be out for a short vacation next Sunday.¡±


    ¡°Oh, that makes sense.¡±


    At the end of the day, I still couldn¡¯t do it.


    ¡°How about you? Are you coming with them?¡±


    ¡°I''m still not sure. Got other priorities to do.¡±


    ¡°I see.¡±


    When the train arrived, our conversation ended. Upon returning home, I told Mom about how I lost my job. She was worried for me, but I told her not to. I promised to look for a new job as soon as possible.

 Chapter 2 - Part 6: Little Festival

    The days passed by. Yes, there was no doubt that I have the confidence in finding a new job. However, confidence alone wouldn¡¯t suffice. I sent resume¡¯s to various small companies and applied for common jobs, I received a call from some of them, but everything ended to interviews. No one called me again.


    Though my life had been worthless, I still find myself full of hope. In the past days, I repeat the same cycle of waking up and finding a job. Although the result wasn¡¯t productive, I didn¡¯t worry. Instead, I recalled myself waking up with hospital apparatuses surrounding me. I remembered that day when I woke up from a coma. Just then I thought: are my problems relevant to my life?


    The more I learned about mortality, the more I realized that life wasn¡¯t determined by our position, achievements, or net-worth. Heck, you may worry about daily problems, but if you¡¯d face impending death, you¡¯d ask yourself a sincere question: What have I lived for?


    Most humans live worrying about the most trivial of things. For example, on a normal day, you¡¯d feel depressed over your day job. But if a calamity befell, a life-threatening earthquake, for instance, you¡¯d forget about those things. Your survival instinct would take over you.


    What simplified a complicated life is death itself.


    When you know more about death, you¡¯d realize that life could be taken away in any minute, and along with it were all the things that you store to yourself, be it either great or not. They said, ¡°there is one thing in the world that¡¯s certain, and it is death¡±. If I¡¯d be invited to a birthday party and a funeral service on the same day and schedule, I¡¯d choose to attend the funeral. Because in my own opinion, death was more essential to people. Humans create identity, and that identity would be summarized at the end of life.


    A week had passed since I assured Mom for finding a new job. Today was Sunday, and I woke up late at 10:42 AM. It was cloudy weather. I even assumed that it was 8:00.


    I get up from my bed and rubbed my eyes before looking myself at the mirror. I did my best to let out a smile. Right, I have a more genuine smile today despite my circumstances.


    Was it because I thought of this as my second life? I guess so. I laughed at my problems in the past. Those were irrelevant problems. I overreact to it, and that was the reason why I was defeated. I thought: while I was in a coma, did I worry about my present issues? Did I ponder about my miserable future? Did I get so bored to the point of having suicidal thoughts?


    No. I was unaware like a newborn baby. Months came by and I haven¡¯t moved out of my bed, the world continued to rotate along with the lives of other people. My time clock stopped, and in those days, I didn¡¯t worry, I didn¡¯t panic.


    My point is, at that time, I didn¡¯t think of anything. I felt like I was dead, no problems, no significance, nothing. After I woke up, I realized that a second life came. When you were dead, you don¡¯t have problems, but at the same time, you don¡¯t have the privilege of living. From that point, I decided not to worry.


    From now on, I have to be more optimistic. They said that ¡°happiness is a choice¡±, I want to be the witness of that quote myself.


    I left my room and walked downstairs. I have no plans this weekend, that was the main reason why I get up late. I¡¯d try again to apply for other jobs tomorrow, so for now¡­


    I looked around and prepared myself a cup of coffee. Matsuri went to the kitchen, she just woke up too. I could clearly see her mussed bed hair twirling around. When she noticed me glancing at her, she responded a menacing glare accompanied by an angry ¡°What¡­¡±


    ¡°Nothing.¡± I resumed my gaze at the coffee and headed to the living room.


    She was always in a bad mood each time she sees me. That figures why I¡¯d never forgotten my bad deeds in this household.


    While enjoying my coffee, I turned on the TV to watch a random variety show. Likewise, Matsuri took a sit on the sofa next to me while eating a loaf bread. She grabbed the remote and changed the channel of the TV. She didn¡¯t even ask me before acting so. The show was about fashion tips for girls, definitely not my interest.


    I let it pass. It doesn¡¯t matter. I continued on with my coffee. Now that I thought about it, coffee was one of the few drinks that I couldn¡¯t get tired of. I once liked hot chocolate, but when I get used to its taste, I began to hate it.


    The same case happened to what I thought was my favorite food. Hamburgers tasted so great, but after I stayed in the town where a hamburger stall stood nearby, I bought it each time I had breakfast. There was also a convenience store where I could¡¯ve had a variety of stuff like meat buns and hotdogs, but it was a few meters farther from the burger stand. You know that I had always been a lazy person so even a few meters difference was a big factor. Because of that, I have no choice but to have hamburgers. For the first week, I find the taste promising, but later¡­ I get disgusted of it. I even arrived at the point of throwing up.


    Well, that was my personal experience. I was sure other people would have a different opinion on hamburgers.


    Suddenly, I witnessed something unbelievable. While watching TV, Matsuri cried. She quietly shed tears and buried her face to the pillow to hide it.


    My eyes widened, both in concern and shock. Yet, it seemed that I wasn¡¯t ready to question it. First and foremost, she didn¡¯t consider me as a family member or a sibling.


    When I was done with the coffee, I went to the kitchen to place the cup near the sink. Mom was there, so I asked, ¡°Mom, is something wrong with Matsuri?¡±


    She gazed at Matsuri and answered, ¡°She had a break up with her boyfriend yesterday. I don¡¯t know the entire story yet. She told me that she needs some space to be alone for a while and I respect that. I¡¯ll keep a look on her so don¡¯t worry, okay?¡±


    I nodded, ¡°Still, I feel sad for her to be like that.¡±


    I know. She didn¡¯t like me, in fact, she absolutely hated me. Hence, my relation to her wouldn¡¯t change. I was still her brother, after all. Siblings gotta rely on each other.


    I wonder if there was something that I could do to help her.


    Returning to the living room while swiping my smartphone for social media update, Matsuri called, ¡°Hey, are you free today?¡±


    At first, I didn¡¯t think that she was talking to me, so I ignored her for a few seconds. I assumed that she was talking with someone by phone, when I glanced to check it, I found her scowling.


    ¡°Didn¡¯t you hear me? Damn it!¡±


    I pressed the power button of my phone and looked at her, ¡°So-sorry. I thought you¡¯re talking with someone else.¡±


    ¡°Who else would I talk to? Stupid.¡±


    You don¡¯t have to point that out.


    ¡°I¡¯m asking if you¡¯re free today.¡±If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.


    ¡°Uhm, I am. Why?¡±


    ¡°I want to go somewhere to have fun. Accompany me, I don¡¯t want to go by myself.¡±


    How about your friends? I intend to question that, but my subconscious was telling me that it was a bad idea. I would anger her more if I keep on asking.


    ¡°Where do you plan to go?¡±


    ¡°To the amusement park. I want to let out some steam.¡±


    ¡°O-Okay.¡±


    ¡°We¡¯ll go there after lunch.¡±


    I nodded. I didn¡¯t know her intention why she wanted to bring me with her specifically. Does she have an ulterior motive? Or she doesn¡¯t have a choice. I laughed at myself for thinking that it was the latter.


    We¡¯ll see. She going to the amusement park to let out some steam; it was about her breakup. Somehow, coming with her was the least help that I could offer. I must do my job properly.


    As planned, we went to the amusement park after lunch. Mom gave me pocket money for us to spend. She told me to do my best on accompanying Matsuri. Instead of crying alone in her room, Matsuri decided to go out and look for entertainment. Although it was considered a distraction, I also think of it as a partial solution to ease the problem.


    Humans were coward in nature, so longing for amusement in the midst of sadness wasn¡¯t bad. In fact, I may find someone weirder if he or she was always ready to face troubles for any time.


    We went to Yomiuri Land [1] theme park. I was following her footsteps. She was the boss today, and before we arrive, she told me to walk by her side only if she tells so. The reason? I wasn¡¯t sure but, maybe she feels ashamed and awkward to be with me? Then why bring me here in the first place? Damn¡­


    Anyhow, I don¡¯t have to complain. I obeyed the order and kept a meter distance away from her. Hey, people might suspect of me as a stalker because of this. Let¡¯s hope that wouldn¡¯t happen.


    While following her, a significant memory was played in my head. As far as I recalled, I have gone here for a couple of times. First was when Matsuri was still a few weeks old, and the second was when she was around seven. Right, she was different back then. She thought of me as a hero or a knight in fairytale books.


    The first time I came here, why did Dad take me here again? I couldn¡¯t remember the reason why. It was from more than a decade ago, so I don¡¯t expect to retrieve most of it. I must rather be glad that there was a small fragment left. A fragment that feels nostalgic for some reason. For sure it was a good memory.


    From a distance, Matsuri called, ¡°Big Brother.¡±


    I broke myself from my reverie and walked towards her. ¡°What is it?¡±


    ¡°Let¡¯s go with that first.¡± She pointed her index finger at the roller coaster.


    ¡°That already?¡±


    She glared at me after I reacted. I was surprised that she was already prepared for the ride that should¡¯ve been considered a part of the ¡°finale¡¯¡±.


    ¡°Okay, we¡¯ll go with it.¡±


    And so, we had our ride. This time, we sat next to each other. The coaster car ascended the rail. At this point, Matsuri kept quiet. I couldn¡¯t tell if she was getting nervous or not.


    At the moment she gulped, I said, ¡°Are you okay?¡±


    She clenched her fists and frowned at me. ¡°What are you talking about.¡±


    The coaster car stopped above. It was the mark for the awaited bloodcurdling ride. I get a tight grip of the over-the-shoulder harness.


    Soon as it started the free fall motion, Matsuri yelled, ¡°I hate you! Damn it!¡±


    For certain, that wasn¡¯t addressed to me. It was towards her boyfriend. I mean, ex-boyfriend. The roller coaster idea was a great way to let out steam.


    On the dashing ride, all that I could do was to shut my mouth with teeth gritted, while grasping the harness tight. Again, Matsuri yelled, ¡°I hate you so much! You jerk!¡±


    The thrilling ride was done in a few minutes. I gasped for air after we get off the coaster car.


    ¡°Hurry,¡± Matsuri told me while looking back.


    ¡°Wait, just a minute.¡± I get a hold of my knees and remained stationary for a few seconds.


    With a disappointed stare, Matsuri brushed off her hair and replied, ¡°So Uncool. Are you going to throw up?¡±


    She walked ahead of me. I guess she considered the meter distance between us. She doesn¡¯t have to worry about me because I shouldn¡¯t catch up to her pace. She wouldn¡¯t allow me to walk alongside her.


    Our next stop was the Milky Way, then the Pencil Tower, and the rest, I couldn''t remember.


    She didn¡¯t seem to enjoy those rides. I¡¯ve never seen her smile nor scream in amusement. I guess the theme park wasn¡¯t much of a distraction. She was thinking about the breakup all the time.


    After we had our quick break, Matsuri held my hand and dragged me nearby the Ferris wheel. ¡°Let¡¯s get in that.¡±


    Obeying the order with courtesy, we entered the cabin. She was sitting on the other seat that faces me. While the cabin ascends, all that she did was to stare blankly at the window. As if she was thinking too much, I see the focus of her eyes looking so far away.


    The truth was, I wanted to learn more about what happened to her. I couldn¡¯t muster up my courage, though. By the moment we arrived at the peak height, I thought of an idea.


    ¡°Hey, about what you said at the roller coaster, do you mean it?¡±


    She gazed at me, confused. ¡°What are you talking about?¡±


    ¡°You shouted that you hate me so much.¡±


    Right. I was pretending that I misinterpreted her actions awhile back. She wasn¡¯t aware that I knew something about her breakup, so of course, me playing innocent would assume that her shouts were meant towards me.


    ¡°About hating you so much? Of course, I mean it.¡±


    Damn! It backfired so quick!


    ¡°I¡¯m sorry, for letting you down all the time.¡±


    For some reason, I let it out without thinking. Maybe because we were alone? Maybe because she was my little sister? I have no idea.


    Matsuri dropped her gaze. ¡°Sorry? Do you think that¡¯s enough for all that you¡¯ve done? You¡¯re the root cause why we¡¯re poor now. You coward Big Brother. Because of you, I often get anxious about my future. Dad¡¯s wealth, no, my sense of security, it¡¯s all gone because of you.¡±


    I know. I know that I¡¯m a coward, damn it!


    At this point, I couldn¡¯t say anything. Hell yeah, I don¡¯t have the right to argue from the start. I accept to myself that I was the cause of misfortune in the family.


    ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡±


    She glared at me, then I looked at her.


    ¡°I¡¯m aware of being such a letdown, and all that I could do is to say sorry. But you know what, after I woke up from a coma, I realized. I realized that the second chance given to me is meaningful. I may not have corrected my mistakes yet, but I promise you that one day, I can be the brother that you respect again.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s too hard to imagine that to happen.¡±


    She resumed her stare at the window.


    ¡°Earlier, I saw you cried.¡±


    Her eyes widened at what I said.


    ¡°It¡¯s about the breakup that¡¯s bothering you until now, am I correct?¡±


    ¡°How do you-¡±


    ¡°Mom told me.¡±


    ¡°I see.¡± She stopped and averted her gaze.


    ¡°Do you need help or anything?¡±


    I was being desperate for giving her a hand. The other part of me was telling that I¡¯d been annoying, but the other part tells that my actions were a good thing.


    ¡°What help could you possibly give, then? You haven¡¯t even experienced a breakup, more or less falling in love. You have no idea of my pain.¡± She clenched her chest and added, ¡°You don¡¯t know what heartache means, do you?¡±


    ¡°I do,¡± I answered with a stern face.


    She wasn¡¯t anticipating my response as her eyes snapped open for a split second.


    ¡°I may not have experienced being with someone I love romantically speaking, but when it comes to heartaches and sorrows, I¡¯m well versed on it.¡± I gazed down the floor while recalling all my failures. ¡°Plenty of failures. I know worse. I knew what it felt like to be irrelevant, worthless, a shame, and suicidal. Even when I was a kid, Dad kept on reminding me of his major plans. Unfortunately, I can¡¯t keep up with his expectations. He allowed me to seek my own identity through various environments, but it seemed the lost me had no chosen place to either stay or go to. You¡¯re right, I am a coward. When pressure struck in, I always find myself running away; quitting whenever I want to.¡±


    At that moment, I remembered Ayase-san walking closer to me while handing over the smartphone that I dropped. Then on the next day, she talked to me and that gave me the courage to continue living.


    To think that I saved her from the dashing train. She saved my life before, so I could save her in the process.


    That¡¯s right. We all need a savior. We¡¯re nothing but helpless soldiers in the frontline. Crying out to be rescued soon.


    ¡°At my darkest times, I was looking for someone who can rescue me. The savior that I once met disappeared, since then, darkness crippled over me. Day by day, I thought that I¡¯m losing worth. I was being less important as time passes. I always thought of killing myself so that my life is finished. However¡­¡±


    I did my best to stare at her with a fake smile.


    ¡°I can¡¯t do it. Even when it comes to committing suicide, I¡¯m still a coward.¡±


    Eyes widened, Matsuri looked away as fast as she could. She didn¡¯t say a word until we went out.


    ¡°We¡¯re done here. I want to go home.¡±


    She made a fist of her hand as she walked forward. I traced back her footsteps and retained the one-meter distance.


    At last, we arrived home.


    ¡°How¡¯s it?¡± Mom queried.


    Matsuri was the first to come in, but she didn¡¯t answer Mom¡¯s question. Instead, she replied, ¡°I¡¯m tired Mom, I¡¯ll take a rest in my room for a while.¡±


    ¡°Okay, no problem.¡± Mom inclined her head while fixing her stare at Matsuri walking upstairs. Looking back at me, she added, ¡°What happened to her? Did it get worse?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know.¡±


    She wasn¡¯t her usual self and stopped talking after the Ferris wheel ride. Did she get annoyed by my excuses in terms of taking my responsibilities as a first-born in the family?


    I sighed and went to the living room. I took a seat at the couch with my eyes focused on the TV.


    ¡°I just made things worse for her.¡±

 Chapter 2 - Part 7: Forgotten Pasts

    I remembered the time we had our family day. I considered it to be a rare event, so I¡¯d like to do my best to make it more special. Matsuri was seven years old, me, on the other hand, was seventeen. Yup, our age difference was a decade apart.


    We went to the amusement park and enjoyed the whole day. The ride that Matsuri loved most was the carousel. She was so happy riding with Dad, dreaming that she was a princess in a noble horse. The truth was, she insisted me to ride with her, but I refused because of embarrassment. Heck, riding that kiddy ride looks uncool. Dad took over and I was glad that Matsuri was still happy.


    At that time, I remembered Dad challenging me to ride the roller coaster. I answered ¡°no¡± over and over. Yet, after Matsuri said that she wanted to see her brave big brother conquer his fears, I muster up my courage and accepted. It might be a desperate display of bravado, but once I overcome it, deep inside me was a person who was glad that have accepted the challenge.


    Dad told me to be more than I could be. He was challenging me in the fields that I was weak most.


    I see; that was his intention all the time. Me taking over his business was supposed to be on the same scope.


    At that time, I didn¡¯t comprehend it. I jumped into the conclusion that he was forcing me to do things that he wants. When I answered ¡°no¡± to him, he was the first to understand me. He let me seek my own skills and interests, despite that, I ended up being a failure. I lost the bet in life.


    That was why in my second chance I must do my best. I have to work hard from now on, not just to correct my mistakes, but also to find meaning.


    This wasn¡¯t my end. I wouldn¡¯t let it be.


    My eyes opened as I woke up from that dream.


    I smiled to myself.


    I never thought that I could obtain this positive outlook in life. It really was ironic that my head trauma turned me into a much better person.


    It was Monday; gotta make this day productive. I get up from my bed to see the genuine smile on my face. When I look at the mirror nowadays, my reflection was a lot presentable.


    Opening the door, I walked downstairs, then I crossed Matsuri. She dropped her gaze and ignored me, heading to the dining area. I was heading in the same direction when I passed Mom. She was carrying the laundry.


    ¡°Yasuhiro, what¡¯s your plan today?¡±


    ¡°The same. Gotta find an available job.¡±


    ¡°Do your best, my son.¡± Mom smiled at me and went to the direction where our washing machine was placed.


    Upon coming to the dining area, I was astonished by Matsuri.


    She prepared me a coffee.


    ¡°Here.¡±


    I stopped from my tracks, still couldn¡¯t believe what I saw.


    ¡°Is it really that surprising?¡± She said, then she added, ¡°I¡¯ll leave this here.¡±


    She went to the living room with a sliced bread -pasted with jam- on her hand. She passed through me as I focused on looking at her. Her action was too odd; hence, I still want to show my gratitude.


    ¡°Thank you, Matsuri.¡±


    She stopped as I looked back at her. She nodded and answered, ¡°Do your best, Big Brother.¡± Then proceed to the living room and had a seat at the couch.


    I nodded at her for being sympathetic. Yesterday, I think she comprehended my personal struggles. Inside that Ferris wheel where I confessed the truth about my weakness, she understood to herself how my life had been miserable.


    You see, it isn¡¯t about how terrible the problem is, it¡¯s about how strong the pain tolerance of the victim has. I was a weak person. I accept that. However, I wouldn¡¯t let it end that way. Life continues, so is my fight.


    I took the cup of coffee that Matsuri prepared. I gave it a drink and was satisfied by the taste. When did she learn the blend of coffee that I prefer?


    Thanks again. I said in my thoughts while smiling at her from behind.


    My eyes snapped opened as I recalled a significant memory. Matsuri was born on the day of the summer festival. That was where my parents got her name. On the day she was born was also the first time I didn¡¯t spend the festival with Mom and Dad. I was a kid at that time, and I remembered myself staring at the fireworks display from a distance, alone in my room. I was feeling lonely and worried that my parent¡¯s attention would be focused on Matsuri from now on.


    When she arrived at home for the first time, I didn¡¯t even attempt to look at her.


    The fragments of memories that I stored, I finally remembered it. I envied Matsuri, that was the reason why Dad took me to the amusement park. On that day, he played the role of a Big Brother. I found him cool, inspiring, and mature. That was when he told me to be like him. A grown-up man who cares and understands -a role model to his little sister.


    I broke my promise to him, didn¡¯t I? Could I still restore that role?


    After a few minutes of preparations, I went out of the house. Matsuri went to school first. Today, I planned to apply to the convenience store nearby, then to the traffic control office. Those two jobs were my last resort.


    Last resort? Why did I say that? Doesn¡¯t that mean I¡¯d quit once I was still not accepted on the two? No, I¡¯d try to find another way.


    For now, I sent the basic requirements, and then I¡¯d wait for their call. It took me hours to send those, part of it was waiting, and the other was the long distance between the two locations.


    Done with today¡¯s priority, I walked around the city. Aiming for no direction, I couldn¡¯t think of a place for a good time. Maybe, doing this once in a while wasn¡¯t bad. I remembered my days in high school. It has been like this. Whenever I skip classes, I just walked around aimlessly. I have always been empty, and I was desperate in seeking legitimate happiness and satisfaction.The story has been taken without consent; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.


    I often worry about the miserable future ahead of me; and whenever I see students of my age who wasn¡¯t serious about their life -like those who play video games all the time, and those who hurt other people for no reason thinking that what they did was a cool thing- I hated them.


    A part of me hated them, but the truth was that I envy them. I could watch comedy shows for the entire day and laugh, but that wasn¡¯t happiness. I could play video games all day, but that wasn¡¯t happiness. It was nothing but a distraction. I envy those people who do nothing special but lives a common eventless life. They don¡¯t give a damn to anything that happens, and it was through the fact that they don¡¯t care -they could overcome problems.


    Me, on the other hand, was bound to be the boss of a company. Unfortunately, pressure killed me before I commence. When I tried, I failed. When I seek for other interest, I still failed. The old me, if it was possible to send him a message, the first things that I¡¯d write would be this: ¡°Don¡¯t worry, don¡¯t hesitate, and be grateful of what you already have¡±.


    Because right now, the least source you have left would be lesser. At the same time, I¡¯d tell you this¡­ even if you fell, you¡¯d be given a second chance to fight back. At that moment you would stop worrying about your future. You¡¯d realize how essential death was to people. Because after you wake up from a coma, you¡¯d see the other side of the world. The brighter, crucial side of it.


    Dad always told me that I was a smart person. When I was a kid, I often get top grades. However, when high school started, I thought that I was also getting closer to the responsibilities that I don¡¯t want. I thought of Dad¡¯s job as boring work. I imagined myself getting up over the same cycle.


    That was the time I became rebellious and decided to skip class. They said that smart people always have a tendency to overthink. Intelligence quotient and emotional quotient was different, after all. I may excel in my studies, despite that, I couldn¡¯t handle pressure and anxiety. Heck, I didn¡¯t know that I have depression on those days.


    I denied calling it depression because of pride. I denied to myself that I was weak. When I became suicidal, everything changed. It was a different form of consent. I accepted my irrelevant existence and was ready to jump towards the fast train. It was all thanks to Ayase-san that I was alive today. If she didn¡¯t interfere and given me hope on the following day, I would¡¯ve been buried for a long time now.


    I heaved a sigh.


    ¡°Guess it¡¯s time to go home, I can¡¯t think of any place to go anyway.¡±


    I walked home and opened the gate. Once I entered the house I said, ¡°I¡¯m home.¡±


    From the kitchen, Mom responded, ¡°Welcome back.¡± When I saw her washing the dishes, she stared at me and added, ¡°How is it?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s fine. I¡¯ll just wait for their call.¡±


    ¡°I see. Nothing else to do today?¡±


    ¡°None so far.¡±


    ¡°Great, can you help me clean the attic?¡± She smiled at me.


    ¡°Of course, no problem. I¡¯ll do it on my own.¡±


    ¡°Thank you, Yasuhiro.¡±


    I nodded.


    ¡°I¡¯ll do it right now.¡±


    ¡°Off you go.¡± She replied while smiling.


    I headed upstairs to the attic. Clouds of dust welcomed me as I retreated quickly. I forgot to bring cleaning tools. Was I excited? To clean? I went down to get the cleaning equipment. I brought a mop, a pail with a little amount of water, a rug, and a few boxes for sorting out items.


    I wiped off the specks of dust first, but after I saw a few items on the box on my left, I was distracted. Those were Dad¡¯s CD collections of old classic western music. When he was on his twenties, he had the opportunity to study and work abroad. That was the reason why he also carried western music culture. He was a big fan of John Lennon and The Beatles in general. I see plenty of his albums inside the box. Aside of it, there were also artists like Billy Joel[1], Cat Stevens[2], Dan Fogelberg[3], Bob Dylan[4], Kenny Rogers[5] and Don Williams[6].


    Whenever he played those songs when I was a kid, I remembered myself covering my ears at my best. I dislike songs that weren¡¯t in my generation, and I also couldn¡¯t understand its English lyrics. Of course, for me, it¡¯d sound peculiar. A kid¡¯s taste in music would differ from an adult. It all varies from generation to generation.


    Under the boxes of CDs, there was a player. I took it out and removed the dust, and along with it was my coughing. This was the same CD player that Dad used before. I wonder if this still works. Now that I think about it, why did Dad store his personal collections in the attic? He may have been busier with his company. He worked harder since Matsuri was born. In other words, he sacrificed his time for amusement so that his children would have a better future. His hard work was all for us.


    Damn it, this just made me guiltier to myself. I shook my head in denial and squeezed my face. My attention span was so easy to break.


    ¡°I¡¯m distracted again. I¡¯ve got to clean this all up.¡±


    I did my best to focus on cleaning. Thanks to my caretaking job at Tetsuya-san¡¯s mansion, cleaning the attic wasn¡¯t a hassle. I didn¡¯t get tired of it, in fact, I could ask for more.


    At that moment, I saw a picture book. It belonged to Matsuri. The title of the book was ¡°Knight and the Princess¡±. From all stories that Mom bought her, that book was her favorite. It tells a story of a princess locked in the tower, and one day she was saved by a knight. It was pretty much a rip-off of either Rapunzel[7] or the movie Shrek[8]. But who cares, anyway, she loved it so much to the point that she illustrated her own version.


    I remembered; she used to be interested in drawing. I wonder if she still draws today.


    ¡°Got it.¡±


    On the same box where the picture book was placed, there were Matsuri¡¯s illustrations. It was a fancy illustration like a kid commonly produce. Variations of crayons and a story that leads to a happy end. It was no doubt an easy life for those characters. For sure if I show this to Matsuri, she¡¯d glare at me in annoyance.


    When I was done, I walked back to see the entire clean space. No present dust, a clean floor wherein you could see a bit of reflection, and organized things and boxes. The place would¡¯ve been sparkling if this was an anime.


    I returned the cleaning tools to the right place where it belongs, and then carried the box of CDs along with the player to my room. Weird enough, I brought Matsuri¡¯s illustrations and picture book along with it. I hope the CD player works fine, or else I couldn¡¯t play my Dad¡¯s favorite songs. I plugged it on the outlet and pressed the power button. Light shone around the disc port, a sign that power was present.


    After pressing the open button, I placed the disc. I picked a random one, and it happens to be the music of Cat Stevens.


    The first song that played was ¡°Wild World¡±[9].


    ? Now that I¡¯ve lost everything to you ?


    Listening to it brings chills of nostalgia. I don¡¯t exactly know why you¡¯d feel great whenever you hear a song you don¡¯t play for a long time. You¡¯d smile without knowing it. Perhaps because you¡¯d think of the past and feel relieved that such a good memory existed in your life. You¡¯d recall the simple times where you don¡¯t have problems. Does that mean, your past was better than your present? You¡¯d arrive at the point of wishing that you could return to those good old days because, on that phase of your life, you weren¡¯t thinking of anything else but trivial problems of an innocent kid.


    You¡¯d remember yourself crying over the simplest problems as if there was no solution to it. You¡¯d worry about going to school or not. You¡¯d feel bad over a single defeat in a video game. Yes. The good old days may be surrounded with problems that our past self could overreact to, but at least those problems were something that you could laugh or smile at by the present you.


    I pondered; when I grow older, could I consider my present problems as something trivial? Wish my future self could also treat my problems as a laughingstock.


    The second song hit me to the core. The title was ¡°Father and Son¡±.[10] It was one of Dad¡¯s favorite songs and he often sings it to me; telling the story of his patience and hard work. I didn¡¯t understand the song¡¯s meaning when I was a kid. But now, it was different. My eyes widened as I understood the lyrics. The lyrics that spoke the truth in life. Our life.


    Yes, there¡¯s so much I have to know.


    Yes, it¡¯s not easy to be calm when you find something going on.


    Yes, I¡¯m still here tomorrow, but my dreams may not.


    The song talked about the point of view of two people. And my entire life reflected it. Soon, I too, have to go away, but I don''t know where. I don''t have a specific destination.


    ? It¡¯s hard but it¡¯s harder to ignore it ?


    When the song was done, I replayed it over and over. I listened to the same song five times in a row, and then played the rest of Cat Steven¡¯s music. The once empty and quiet room was filled with nostalgic old songs that Dad would appreciate most.