《How to Find Yourself》


 How to Find Yourself (Part 1)

    "Quite the number of fish in the sea


    Always more for you to find and see


    But alas, that unchangable actuality


    Makes it so most of them from your eyes flee.


    It takes awhile to pick every grain of sand from a beach


    It takes a mile to abstain one from ever standing in your reach


    To compile all the knowledge one could ever teach


    Long like the Nile would be this eternal preach Each and every one pale when compared


    With a person with no one paired


    A person, whose soul is not shared


    A person, quite possibly, from life spared


    To be unanimously gone for the eye and ear


    To still be there, not quite disappear


    And yet unnoticed even while persevere


    Loneliness- devastating, sheer


    His heart- pierced by a spear


    From his eyes dropping tear by tear


    Severe adhere to the fact he''s unclear


    No one can interfere and pioneer a pier for one that is virtually not here!"


    This is the story of how I found myself...


    "To eat or take away?"


    A light female voice got him out of his train of thought.


    "Ah, I''ll have it for home, thanks."


    "That''ll be $6.60, cash or credit?"


    Feeling around his pockets, he came to the conclusion that his wallet is nowhere to be seen. In a moment of panic he shoved his hand into every pocket he had, and there were lots of them.


    "Hm, I see how it is. No worries, I''ve been there too, I got you! You''ll owe me one though!"


    In awe of the unbelievable for today''s world kindness of this lady, he stood there not saying a word. Realising how much more awkward it would get if he decided stay there in shock, he grabbed his chicken nuggets and speeded away with a "Thank you so much!".


    Once out of the shop, he began his theories on how she was some sort of angel or one of that sort. "How could I forget my wallet! Ugh! Thank God that lady was so kind!"


    The chicken nugget goddess she would be named, so he decided.


    For a moment there, even if it was in a strange way, that lady made him feel a bit special and yet...That wouldn''t last for long. Once again out on the crowded streets of the city, many faces pass but it''s as if they''re all wearing a mask. No one stands out, all are a part of the crowd. And once again he feels insignificant, he can''t know who he really is, in the midst of such a crowd, such a void. Encompassed by everyone, who for him had no name, he himself had become nameless, he has become hopeless. Going to work, getting home, that''s all that''s been happening, far as he remebers. Ordinary life, so to speak. Not one of a kind, but one of many. He was faceless, nameless...


    On the way back he stopped at a park, finding himself rather hungry and the chicken nuggets getting colder and losing their divine power, embeded into them by the one and only chicken nugget godeess. Free food is the best food, however even with these circumstances he couldn''t help but feel...uncomfortable. As if all those people minding their business were all staring at him, absorbing him into the void and he couldn''t help but look back at them.Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.


    "And if thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee."-said Nietzsche.


    His biggest fear soon to become a reality, he''s to be consumed.


    "And he started feeling the mask around his face tighten.


    Looping back around all that has and will happen


    And he felt the mace, himself starting to frighten


    His path can''t brighten, he can''t fight on his own, that titan."


    He decided he would take his business elsewhere. Even while walking away he was being followed by those stares, it''s as if his own shadow was up against him with ill intention. Almost trembling from fear, though he suppressed the urge, knowing it would bring even more gazes towards him. He would run from his fears, that¡¯s what he¡¯s been doing for so long.


    Sparkling lights glittered like silver, people still having fun even though it¡¯s late at this point. Friday night is magical, I guess, everyone is relaxing after a week¡¯s worth of school or work, yet he couldn¡¯t find comfort anywhere but in his home.


    Passing by people he would overhear their conversations. He could hardly make out what any one of them was saying, but it was nothing that would interest him. His first priority was going home and resting for the night.


    All was well until he he heard:


    ¡°Over there, yes, him. Do what you must.¡±


    Pointing at him, a man with a hood on saying this to his friend, who was covered by the shadow, a result of the absence of a light at that part of the street.


    At first he didn¡¯t pay attention as he thought it wasn¡¯t him they were talking about, however the shadowy figure drew closer and closer. Reaching the point where they were an arm¡¯s length away, and after that, even a breath¡¯s distance. He stood bewildered, terrified. The black figure start repeating in his ear:


    ¡°Join us, join us¡±


    The shadow was repeating while pulling out a pitch black mask.


    ¡°I-I c-canno¡­¡±


    He couldn¡¯t answer, he couldn¡¯t speak.


    His hands started to tremble, hyperventilating, his knees gave out and he fell to the ground. The sparkling lights were now off, all went pitch black.


    ¡­


    ¡°Hey! Wake up, wake up! Young man, you shouldn¡¯t lay here!¡±


    The familiar silver-like light pierced his eyes whilst a man was nudging him, trying to wake him up. The man helped him stand up.


    ¡°What happened, boy? I saw you trembling and suddenly fainting.¡±


    ¡°Ah it¡¯s nothing, I was just really tired. Sorry for troubling you¡­and thank you for helping me!¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s alright, I couldn¡¯t just leave you lying on the cold ground! Be careful though, make sure you go home and get some rest!¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s what I was planning, have a good evening!¡±


    ¡°Same to you, boy!¡±


    And so they parted ways, ¡°Another kind person¡±, he thought to himself.


    In a short while he was home.


    His apartment was nothing really special, just like almost everything else in his life, it was ordinary. Only his collection of comics and figurines stood out amongst the bland room.


    With a big sigh of relief he jumped onto his bed, the day was finally over.


    Next day, after his morning routine, something rather unusual happened. His boss called him to urgently go to work:


    ¡°It¡¯s not a work day but I just can¡¯t ignore this, please come to my office by four.¡±


    ¡°Well, this isn''t too good.¡±-he thought to himself, fully knowing what he was being called for.


    He was supposed to finish his work by yesterday, however he couldn¡¯t manage it. He didn¡¯t think much of it as a little delay hadn¡¯t been a problem before, but I guess this one wasn¡¯t the same.


    ¡­


    And it was about time he set off on his route to work, the route which he didn¡¯t enjoy taking.


    This time there were even more people than yesterday and the pressure on him was even higher. Yet again, those glares, the staring eyes. He walked faster as to avoid any unwanted interactions, bearing in mind what happened the day before.


    He arrived at his work and went to his boss¡¯ office.


    ¡°Sit down.¡±


    He told him in a serious, but welcoming tone.


    ¡°I am sure you are already aware of why I called you here. I¡¯ve already spoken to your colleagues who are in the project. It is important to our company and is something that should¡¯ve been finished yesterday. I hope you realize that you¡¯ll have to finish it today Mr. ¡­¡±


    He seemed to not recall his name.


    ¡°Ah, don¡¯t worry, it doesn¡¯t bother me, I¡¯ll finish it¡±-he said even though it did bother him, the fact that he was nameless even to those who he met every day.


    ¡°Are you content with this?¡±


    A voice whispered to him in his head. After blinking, instead of his boss, he foundan image of himself in front of his very eyes.


    ¡°Let me ask again, are you okay with this life?¡±


    ¡°I-I don¡¯t know, no, I don¡¯t think I am.¡±


    ¡°Then why aren¡¯t you doing anything to change that?¡±


    ¡°What can I do, I mean I am just a normal human, I have nothing outstanding about me. Sometimes I even have trouble distinguishing who I really am and I expect others to know, I¡¯m a hypocrite, that¡¯s what I know, I guess.¡±


    ¡°Stand where no one would, do what no one else would, only then will you find yourself different.¡±


    After that, the voice faded away, so did the figure of himself.


    His boss was waving his hand in front of his face.


    ¡°You spaced out. Go finish your work or I¡¯ll call you here again tomorrow!¡±


    ¡°Sorry, I¡¯ll do that right away.¡±


    When he finished his work it was dark outside.


    ¡­

 Part 2- A New Star in the Night Sky

    No other day had the walk home been this confusing for him. Thinking everything out took him longer than he anticipated as the questions he was asking himself were ones that could not be answered, or so he deduced.


    He continued thinking even late at night, at a time which he would normally be sound asleep.


    ¡°Do I really need to do something extraordinary to stand out? If so, what is it? Why is it so hard to find out?¡±


    And like a great thinker he started contemplating his own existence which at the time seemed to be ever so slowly fading away without any signs of stopping.


    In the end, he couldn¡¯t resist the natural urge to sleep which brought him unconscious at an unknown, but certainly too late, time.


    The first opening of his eyes and the first sound picked up by his ears would reveal to him the fact that he was awake¡­or would it?


    Getting up for his usual morning routine felt somehow¡­unusual. His attempt at putting that feeling aside would reveal to be mildly unsuccessful.


    The first irregular thing he noticed was¡­well, the giant mirrors which appeared on both sides. Covering the entirety of his east and west wall, they didn¡¯t spare his regular first person field of view which was now thoroughly distorted.


    As he felt all the while more confused he couldn¡¯t help but notice the fact that he started seeing more and more of his room, as if he was getting taller. That, however, would soon reveal itself to be an illusion, as what was happening in actuality was what could be described as his soul exiting its vessel. The even more surprising part would turn out to be the fact that his body had continued moving, even after he had seemingly lost control over it.


    His precious body had started to run away from him, or it kind of seemed that way at first until he realized that it was just continuing his morning routine.


    By now anyone could have guessed that this is a dream, a lucid one at that, and he had caught on like he was expected to.


    He decided to play along, not that he had any other choice.


    What he was observing was his average day.


    After he woke up he went to brush his teeth and had a sandwich. He dressed up and set off for work, nothing unusual¡­yet that was the problem.


    ¡°So average, so¡­pathetic, really.¡±


    Now you could imagine that one would probably feel uncomfortable speaking so about themselves, however when you are well aware of it, it becomes sort of a regular and not so disturbing thing.


    That is not to say that he was content with it, just that he was more or less aware of his situation.


    ¡°It is not so bad though¡­¡±


    Just when he was saying that he saw the worst part of it all.


    Passing by his colleagues, he would not even say hi to them, well¡­they didn¡¯t know him, did they?


    Even the ones whom he was sitting next to didn¡¯t know him! No one did! He was alone and that was driving him crazy.


    Observing his boring, seemingly useless existence was so devastating to him that he could not even bare to watch any more. It may seem as an over exaggeration, but those feelings were really ripping into him to the point where he would wake up from the dream, which one could call a nightmare, covered in sweat and tears. The grim reality was driving into him, the feeling of emptiness and uselessness was penetrating his very skin and affecting him physically. Like a predator sinking their teeth into prey that was up until a few moments ago running for its life, though the situation here proves to be quite difficult as we are not sure as to who the predator is, but we for sure do know that the prey is slowly dying.The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.


    He decided that he would do something about his stalemate of a life, however he didn¡¯t know what.


    ¡°I will better myself! I might as well start by getting to know my colleagues.¡±


    ¡­


    He was set, he was ready to improve. Just one more day, such a short period of time left for him to prepare. That would not stop him, he was determined, something which he had not felt in ages.


    Yet life wouldn¡¯t go easy on him, even just this once. He was already playing on hard mode and there was no way for him to reset his settings.


    Once judgment day came, he felt quite a bit more discouraged, though not enough to make him give up, the determination which he had that day paled when compared to the one a day prior.


    Nevertheless, he continued on his usual route to work.


    He arrived there just like he would any other day-perfectly on time. He did not want to get in trouble for being late, nor did he want confusing attention directed towards him if he were to get there too early.


    ¡°Going smooth so far! Not that there was anything I could have messed up¡­¡±


    With two light slaps to his cheeks, as if to wake himself up, he gathered courage and with a ¡°Here we go!¡± he started approaching one of his colleagues who sits right beside him.


    ¡°U-uh, hi Steve! How are you?¡±


    After uttering those barely understandable words, his head inner self started cheering with enthusiasm as if watching a successful rocket launch.


    The reaction of the recipient, however, wasn¡¯t quite what was expected.


    With a confused look, Steve turned around and answered:


    ¡°Well, I¡¯m fine, but how do you know my name? Not to sound rude, however I really do not know you? Have we met somewhere? ¡±


    Like a stab right through the heart those words pierced his ears.


    ¡°I see your struggle.


    I feel your pain.


    Come and snuggle


    Before you go insane.


    Running away is now futile.


    Accept your eternal exile. ¡°


    He turned left.


    He turned right.


    He realized that was the voice in his mind. He knew that, he was well aware of it and yet, he could not fight it. Like an itch which he could not scratch, like a pain which would not fade.


    It enveloped him.


    It knew him.


    It knew he was weak.


    He grasped his mouth and as if unable to breathe he started to faint backwards.


    ¡°What¡¯s wrong with him? Why did he suddenly approach me?


    ¡°Now he is falling back. Seriously, what¡¯s up with this dude? Weird¡­¡±


    Everyone shunned him. Though muffled, their voices reached him.


    That was it. He was destined to fail¡­


    not yet.


    ¡°Shouldn¡¯t we help him? He¡¯s looking dizzy, he might be ill!¡±


    A calming, yet worried voice tickled his eardrums. It was familiar.


    ¡°Could it be, the chicken nugget goddess!?¡±


    She rushed over to catch him. His hand over her shoulders she helped him onto his chair.


    ¡°He looks familiar¡­¡±-she said to herself


    ¡°Hey, are you alright? You spaced out a bit.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m alright now, thank you for helping me!¡±


    It was indeed the one and only savior of his, the chicken nugget goddess.


    ¡°You look familiar, I think we¡¯ve seen each other before.¡±


    ¡°She remembers me? How is that even possible? Well¡­she did pay for my meal.¡±


    ¡°Ah, yes. I didn¡¯t really get to thank you for paying for my meal. Let me return the money to you.¡±


    ¡°I didn¡¯t come here to ask for money, I came here to help you! I remember who you are now, don¡¯t bother with the money, it was nothing, really!¡±


    ¡°Thank you for your kindness, but I really must repay you back somehow! My guilt won¡¯t let me live!¡±


    ¡°Hm. If you really wish so, you could help me out a bit with getting adjusted to work. I¡¯m new here!¡±


    ¡°Is that so? Well if that¡¯s all that you want I¡¯d be happy to help!¡±


    For some odd reason he had no trouble talking to her. The calmness and kindness in her tone was soothing.


    After finishing his own project he helped her out with work. He had a great time overall, much better than what would have happened if she wasn¡¯t there.


    Like the moon lighting up the night sky


    Seemingly impossible to reach, too far


    You shine a light into my eye


    And I feel like in the sky has appeared-


    another star.

 Part 3-A Tragic Fall

    It¡¯s as if a weight was lifted off his chest. The little interaction he had made him feel comfortable for the first time in a while.


    And so, he met her day after day. Even the little small talk that they had most of the time felt relieving to him. He no longer saw the black mist that would normally surround him.


    On the other side, she grew fond of him as well. She found the way he acts cute. The way he always helped her, the way he spoke to her, all appealing.


    Even though they grew closer, they never told each other their names¡­or was it for the best?


    ¡­


    And another day starts. Saturday, the day for rest.


    At this time last week he was in his office, working and living with no purpose. In just a week he found a light that would put him in a sound sleep, one that would protect him from the restless nights.


    ¡­


    As he was walking, he noticed something strange. An odd gathering of people in the middle of the street. They formed somewhat of a circle around something. They all looked displeased with what was going on, yet none of them seemed to budge an inch.


    He rushed over to see what was going on¡­


    The first thing he saw was:


    ¡°What? The goddess? What is she doing here?¡±


    Like a punch to the stomach was the next thing he saw. What was presumably a thief, armed with a knife. He was at a reasonable distance from her but seemed to be demanding something.


    What are you doing?


    Go help the mistress in distress!


    Or regret it


    for the rest of your


    pitiful life.


    He started to tremble as a sudden rush of adrenaline was released into his bloodstream.


    He went through the crowd, however as he was doing so, the thief was drawing closer to her, potentially threatening a strike.


    He was close, very close. Was it going to be enough?


    The thief¡¯s hand started moving. He was about to strike.


    ¡°NO!¡±-he shouted, getting in front of the goddess.


    And he felt it. It felt like an incredibly hard punch to his belly and he thought that that was what it was. Well¡­he was in for a surprise.


    His knees shivered in weakness, and he coughed up blood. He felt nauseous and when he looked down, he felt as if he was about to throw up.


    His vision got darker and the world started fading away.


    He was stabbed¡­


    ¡°Was this it? No¡­not like this!¡±The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement.


    Every second here is crucial.


    Everyone in the vast crowd was surprised and they were all too shocked to go and help.


    The last thing one should do in such a situation is pull out the knife that is the only thing preventing them from bleeding to death.


    But the villain started to make a move.


    At this point he saw everything go into slow motion. His mind was overstimulated and working hard to help him escape this situation.


    And it went darker¡­


    And darker¡­


    But then:


    ¡°NO!¡±


    A scream woke him up.


    Through tremendous pain he powered. He grabbed the knife and pulled in out of his body, puking blood in the process. Bright red blood started pouring from him.


    In a split second he flipped the knife and turned it on the attacker, stabbing him straight through the heart.


    This would seem to be the last of his power as he dropped down on the cold hard ground.


    He choked on his blood and soon went unconscious.


    ¡­


    Everyone panicked. Emergency services were called and they thankfully arrived in little to no time because the event happened very close to a hospital.


    All the while the goddess was crying and pressing on his wound in an attempt to slow the bleeding.


    ¡­


    ¡°Bandage the wound and apply pressure. Get him to the ER as soon as possible, he doesn¡¯t have much time left.¡±


    Said a doctor who carried him into the ambulance which speeded away, heading towards the hospital.


    ¡­


    ¡°Stabilize him! Stitch up the wound!¡±


    ¡°We¡¯re losing him, pump more blood!¡±


    And there it was-death, just a step away. Would he take that step or would he fight on? What was there to gain from fighting the seemingly inevitable?


    One would not expect to survive after being brutally stabbed, much less when the knife was forced out, although he seemed to be struggling to cling onto whatever small chance of life there was.


    And after a while, he was thankfully stabilized and the blood loss had go to a much more reasonable level, as if any blood loss is even reasonable at all.


    ¡­


    Ear shattering thunder struck the Earth that night. Heavy rain was pouring onto the crowded streets, soaking the hordes of people passing by. A grim night for a grim moment.


    The wind whistled out, calling out to everyone in their homes.


    ¡°He still hasn¡¯t woken up¡­¡±


    Standing beside his hospital bed was the young lady whom he put his life in danger for. Sadly sobbing she squished the bouquet of flowers she was holding firmly in the palm of her right hand while grasping his hand with her left.


    The setting was nothing short of utterly saddening. He just wouldn¡¯t wake up.


    ¡°They said he was in a coma. I know he can get through it. Hell, he pulled a knife out of his abdomen without flinching.¡±


    While saying this she noticed some documents on the cabinet to his left. She didn¡¯t think much of it at first, however her curiosity got the best of her and she decided to take a peek at them.


    ¡°Come to think of it¡­I don¡¯t even know his name. He¡¯s been talking to me so much for the past week but we¡¯ve never even mentioned our names. That¡¯s kind of strange to be honest. ¡±


    After shuffling through the pile of documents she stumbled across his medical history.


    ¡°Medical history of Von Fortitudous, that¡¯s a strange but awfully cool name, I guess. Now then, let¡¯s see¡­¡±


    ; Patient (14) has suffered a car crash and has serious head trauma;


    ; Patient (Von Fortitudous) is exhibiting symptoms of paranoia, likely cause-aforementioned head trauma;


    ; Memory loss observed in patient, little to no ability to recall events prior to head trauma;


    ; Von Fortitudous¡¯ schizophrenia tests are positive, suffering from severe case, will be put on Asenapine;


    ¡°He was going through all that¡­?¡±


    As noted previously, Von wasn¡¯t acting the way he usually would with the goddess as he felt a lot more comfortable when he was with her, and so, she didn¡¯t notice anything unusual about his behavior other than his rather odd friendliness towards her. She could never have suspected him of having such serious mental problems, the biggest thing that was obvious from the start was his social anxiety, however that pales when compared with his actual problems.


    ¡­


    And day by day she would visit him, rain or shine.


    A week had passed, still no sign of his conscience coming back to front.


    In those days, she became more and more attached to him, not losing the hope of him ever coming back.


    Another week passed¡­and another, and another.


    Her anxiety rose, the fear of never getting him back overwhelmed her and so she started crying.


    It was fear,


    It was rough,


    What was near


    Was undying love.


    ¡°You may be no one for all


    But you are all for me


    Summer, spring, winter, Fall


    I shall pledge undying love to thee.


    When I see the leaves fall and meet the ground


    From my mirror beside my shelf,


    Oh, if I don''t see you anywhere around


    I would not bare to live myself.


    Until the buildings are enveloped by vines


    And until my hair grows down past my heels


    Until the words erode from all signs


    I will wait, know how it feels.


    Know you are important to me


    And I will treasure


    The moment you are free


    To even see you blink would be my pleasure.


    To feel your heart beat


    And hear your breath


    Would make my life complete


    And I could die a happy death¡±