《Insanity》


 Chapter 1: Online World

    You enter this world for many different things, to explore the unknown, to waste time, to find amusement and simply to interact with others.


    This world offers different result for different people; can be used to feel better about themselves, to display their own knowledge, to put down others and to increase your own knowledge. This world offer so much while it so addictive that it eats your time.


    You find that the more you step into this world the more it becomes a reality, it seems rather than a platform but an actual place that could life.


    You can have so many different personality, persona, accounts but in the end, you are still you. No matter what kind of fa?ade you build up for yourself, you are still you beneath all that.


    To some this is where they find, to you it might simply a mean to waste time. For others, it¡¯s to distract themselves from the real world, to live in delusion and fantasy. To enjoy the make believes and the identity that you created.


    In here you may find love, hatred, envy, conflict and so much more. This simply isn¡¯t a platform it¡¯s a whole new world that can affect your entire life.Reading on this site? This novel is published elsewhere. Support the author by seeking out the original.


    It¡¯s so simple to quit and many quite due to many reasons; family, dangers, stress, feelings, emotions, etc. However, it¡¯s simple with a click of a button. However, it¡¯s not easy to do since you leaving can affect others, it can affect you, your feelings and emotions won¡¯t allow you to do so simply. There are just so many things build into that small, small world that you can¡¯t quit.


    You exposed yourself to this world, since its anonymous. You revealed your true self and your problems leaving you chained into this world because of the connections you established.


    Haha, I can ramble on and on. What is this world I¡¯m talking about? You can already guess, this is the Online World. There are so much to explore, so much to do, so much to gain and lose.


    You might gain a hope or a lighthouse through your waves of problems however you could also find the black hole that ends your hope and life.


    Each person can either be a shining star, a fish in the endless water or black hole that destroy others. This can give a person so much power but none at all in the same time.


    Now enough of my ongoing rambling, I welcome you to the Online World because if you hearing this then you are already in it.


    Like you I can¡¯t escape this world, I¡¯ve entered too far into it, I¡¯ve dived deep into this ocean of mystery and found my answer. Now I¡¯m here to guard this place, of course you can just label my delusional and crazy.


    However, you know better than that, you know that you have entered too deep into this so-called world.


    Now my dear friend, enemy, acquaintance, stranger. Once again, I welcome you to this mess up world.


    THE ONLINE WORLD.

 Chapter 2: Lust

    Chapter 2: Lust


    Lust, Lust, Lust... one of the 7 sins. You can never truly differentiate between lust and love. Even when you think you do, in the end it''s just lust. I¡¯m tired of lusting for something, I¡¯m tired of masturbating, I just¡­ want to be someone, share their warmth, be with them simply. Desire to make them happy, desire to spend time with them, desire to be with them. Not to keep thinking about being in bed or having sex.


    With lust where is trully love, you can say it''s love, you can cry in your heart and declare it in your mind. But truly what is love, how can one find actual love when lust exist.


    HOW CAN YOU TRULY FIND LOVE?


    YOU CAN¡¯T.


    Unless you are one of the lucky ones, who find their fated ones, or simply they don¡¯t lust so easily. But when you are me, someone who has only lust even though you try to convince yourself it''s not lust then you are simply hopeless. It won¡¯t end this cycle of lusting someone, this feelings crushes your heart but what can you do?


    Nothing, simply put nothing.


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    Even in the online world, do you think you actually find love? Do you think simply because you don¡¯t see their face, you won¡¯t feel the lust? No¡­ lust is everywhere.... you eventually realise at one point you are still lusting after them and it''s not real love. It can¡¯t be, you get your delusion of them, you think dirty of them. You are just using them to satisfy your lust¡­ is it truly love what you feel? Or is it just lust.


    In the end, only your heart would remain broken, because of these intense overwhelming feelings. It never ends and only leaves you feel even more broken than before. HAH, as if that''s the end, the feeling doesn¡¯t disappear it lingers on in you. You may try to cover it up but it will return, it always will and always do.


    It never disappeared in the first place¡­ it will linger on until slowly taking over you.


    You can shut yourself in, no longer having interaction but will that work? No, it simply doesn¡¯t, it intensifies the feelings instead.


    Lust doesn¡¯t have an off switch, its non-existence. You can only hope to find the ray of light in this mess up world so that you can stop feeling like this. For some people this lust of a world doesn¡¯t matter to them, they embrace it till they think they can find love.


    Dive into this world of lust is how people handle these overwhelming feelings or else they would feel their heart being grabbed by a hand that they can¡¯t even hold. They can¡¯t stop the feelings so they embrace it, they embrace themselves into this world full of delusion and lack of feelings.


    They try to convince themselves what they are doing is correct, but is it really? So many different options, so many choices, so many different roads to take. However, the lust never disappears unless that golden door opens.


    Another day of rambling, another day gone past, all these feelings stay the same. Even when I enter the online world the lust didn¡¯t disappear but reappeared and I can¡¯t stop it. It won¡¯t let me stop...


    I-I just can¡¯t stop...


    What is...love?... Does it really exist?... Or am I just in a dream?.... a delusion?


    Will I ever...wake up?

 Chapter 3: The Day and The Night, I watch on.

    Chapter 3: The Day and The Night, I watch on.


    I walk to top the tower, enjoying the scenery. Sees the brilliant sun descends creating the serene yet melancholic atmosphere. The yellow shade and the contrasting shadow that looms over the area makes its saddening for all that views its wonder. The end of the day and the arrival of night. Standing on top of the tower and on the catwalk with a light-yellow shade covering my face. Thinks about the past, present and future, once those thoughts are done. Leaves a sense of worry, happiness, nostalgia and sadness all bundled in one moment. The serene night as the moon arrives from the opposite of where the sun descended, as if the moon was forever chasing the sun. The mesmerising full moon in my view, only bring a single thought to my brain, "Beautiful".


    The city bustled with activities while I stand on top of this tower viewing the whole city by myself. This moment of lonesome, this moment of tranquillity and this moment of self-reflection. It simply a moment you can only feel sad about, with no one else to spend time with, no one told hold my hand, no one to share my burdens and no one to share my happy moments. I am alone in this world as I see the stars shine brightly in this night. I watch what can only be described once again as a beauty and something that people easily forgets and take for granted. One of these days they will all disappear, leaving only chaos and war.You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.


    I leave these thoughts behind as I once again resume to enjoy this moment of peace. I did nothing other than enjoy the view of the night, for others it might result in boredom but for me it¡¯s my hobby. It¡¯s something to cleanse my soul of all my worries and troublesome. In this mess of a world, only this can cleanse my heart, only this would bring joy to me. Without me noticing the night comes close to an end as the moon starts to descend and ending this peaceful night.


    This time it¡¯s the sun chasing behind the moon. As dawn arrives, the bird chirps, people arise from their bed to start their day. While I stay here in this catwalk, on top of this tower. The quiet and tranquillity of the night disappears, in its disappearance a loud and busy city appears. With the noises of cars and people shouting, the people flood the streets to get to their work. Everyone in this world has too much worries and problem to fully realise what they miss in the night time.


    What they miss in this life and will never realise it even when they die, either of old age or diseases. This is my thoughts and feelings as I resume to watch the people continue their work and daily lives. I stand here on this catwalk doing nothing but doing everything at the same time.

 Chapter 4: Heart

    Chapter 4: Heart


    You heart, the organ that pumps the blood through your veins. Your heart, the symbol of your caring of others. Your heart, a fragile thing that can be broken so easily but repairing it will take time and effort. It might never be repaired and stay broken for the rest of your life, and once it¡¯s broken it will never be the same again.


    Love, something that you can¡¯t control, something that simply appear so suddenly but has an everlasting change on you. Love binds and blinds people, love and thoughts don¡¯t match.


    Love shackle you down, not letting you move or escape. It limits your actions and thoughts, leaving only behind the immense feelings, cornering you.


    Sometimes you fall in love when you know better, when you shouldn¡¯t, when you know it¡¯s not right. Thoughts can¡¯t change the feelings, these feelings they simply just exist. Love is a double edge sword while it can bring immense joy, at the same time it can bring extreme sadness or pain that can last for a long time.


    The heart, so fragile, so weak, so conflicting. You care for others with your heart, you have emotions with your heart and for some they bottle up these feelings until their heart burst into pieces.


    So vulnerable, so very vulnerable. Even the simplest of actions can cause it pain, even the smallest of actions can cause it to ache. An example? Being ignored. Trying to talk to them, communicate with them, sending them message which is only met by silence. Spending so much time and effort to think what to say just to be met by their silence.If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.


    It will slowly eat you away unless they let you in again, the pain will continue until they decide to forgive you, until they realise your pain.


    The pain caused by this is immeasurable but it¡¯ll just be one of the smallest pain that you will feel in this long road. A small rock in this long road, a road that you have yet see the end to.


    There will be people who picks up these pieces and glue them back. The tailor to sew your wounds, stops the bleeding that was slowly killing you.


    Love is a tingling feeling in your heart, it will take over you, leaving no thoughts other than love.


    You can¡¯t take a step back¡­ it¡¯s too late. Falling in love is like falling down into the abyss, you can only fall deeper down. It¡¯s too late to regret, you will keep falling until the feeling disappear but when that happens, what¡¯s next? What will appear to replace it? Something will appear¡­ but what.


    A void, will appear when love disappear, this might be filled with hatred, envy, madness and desperation. This will only be the start, these feelings will leads to even worse feelings and thoughts.


    Love is a double edge sword¡­


    Love is a ticking bomb¡­


    Love is everything¡­


    Love is nothing¡­

 Chapter 5: Life

    Chapter 5: Life


    Life is full of choices. Life is full of hardships. Life is full of happy moments. Life is full of everything but at the same time it can mean nothing. How come? What happens after death? Silence.


    In your life, you can think, feel, touch, talk, listen, move and make decisions. However, when death come then only silence will exist. What¡¯s the point to think of life after death? What¡¯s the point of thinking of what happens after death? There is no point, just live life the to the fullest.


    Choices leads to different path, leads to different doors, leads to different hardships. Nothing is absolute, you don¡¯t know what these paths may lead you to. You don¡¯t know if another path may cross yours, you don¡¯t know when your path may split up into different other roads.


    Without an idea if its dead-end, without any idea what the end of the road may be. Take another step on the road, one foot in-front of the next, keep moving forward, one step by step. Look in-front of yourself because that¡¯s where you are going, not backwards. We all live a life of regrets, that¡¯s why even when there is something chaining you down, something making you look backward. Don¡¯t take a step backward, keep moving.


    Find the solace in your life, making decisions will lead to consequences, making no decision will lead to consequences. Regret will come, both small and big. Only by taking the next step in your long road can you really solve these regrets.You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story.


    Who are you? What makes you, you? Who is everyone else? What is life? Is everyone else simply another me? Are they just reincarnation of me? Who am I? I¡­am nothing. Yet, if they are me. That means I am everything. Nothing is everything, everything is nothing. What is the truth?


    I am everyone yet I have no control over them, an interesting idea. I can do the best of things to myself and the worst of things. Yet I can¡¯t control others, just influence them, positively and negatively. Their ideas clash with mine, their actions anger me, their actions makes me happy. They are me and I am them. Every single one of them have personality, thoughts, emotions and their own path in life.


    If I am everyone which mean that means I anger myself, annoy myself, brings sadness to myself. At the same-time I bring joy to my life, I share the happy moments with myself, I comfort myself when I am sad.


    However, I commit crimes against myself, I use my power for my greed without caring for myself, I can kill myself multiple times. This idea is too conflicting, I do what I think the best for myself while hurting myself.


    ¡­


    No, it makes sense. I hurt myself when I only act for myself, but then how do I act for others when they are me. Life is confusing, it¡¯s a mess, it¡¯s confusing, it¡¯s a game¡­


    A shitty game, that you are given cards that you didn¡¯t draw, your experience can be amazing, or terrible. The effect of the cards given to you have may have significant changes or none at all.


    Some people start on a higher level, they have bonuses that you will never receive. Some people will reach level that you will never reach. They have access to areas that will boost them up, they will access to guilds and facilities that will boost them up. While some have nothing but the cards dealt to them, they will have to work their way up. Few succeeds, many falls.


    Life is a game, every action equals to a memory, an experience. These experience may can level up your skills. Eventually you will reach a capacity¡­ when you learned everything you can for that skill¡­ when you won¡¯t be able to level that skill anymore.


    Life is a game¡­ a messy game, that you can¡¯t quit or else it¡¯s game over...

 Chapter 6: Alive or Dead

    Chapter 6: Alive or Dead


    How do you know whether you are alive or dead? Is it your beating heart? Or is it that you have your 5 senses. Sometimes even with a beating heart, it''s almost like you are just dead in this world. This cruel unfair world, that''s blind to the saints and sinners. It doesn''t discriminate who it deals judgement or punishment to. Nor does it reward everyone for their effort.


    Some get their lucky break by accident and then they can reap the reward. Others, well they just simply fail. They give up their sky-high dreams and try to settle with the cold ground that they stand on. They could no longer reach for the sky. They could only watch those with success either with envy or with satisfaction.


    That''s the strange thing about humans. We either want someone to succeed so that in our mind it would be our success, it would be our victory, and it would be our escape from this mundane cruel world of failures. At the same time, we envy those with success, hoping that they trip and fail. Hoping that they too also give up on their dreams like us so that we can get that sweet satisfaction that yes. Yes, we were right to give up. Yes, we were right to grow up. And yes... we aren''t quitters but a realist.


    Afraid of confronting the truth, we think it¡¯s easier to see others fail, to see others in the same exact situation as us. Rather see people fly high in the sky, we want to clip their wings so they can be on the ground as us. Afraid to admit our inadequacy and frighten to admit our wrongdoings.Support creative writers by reading their stories on Royal Road, not stolen versions.


    We want everyone else to be dead like us. To live in our ordinary lives, to not reach the sky and become an existence that we deemed as far away. Existences that we feel are superior and petrified at the thought of being inferior.


    In the end, all we want is to be comforted by the lies and failures of others. Not seeing the truth or aware of our success. Not understanding that our self-worth doesn''t come from comparing with others but by what we define it as. We don''t understand that we are still alive even in the darkest of days. We let the darkness consume us and by doing so we want others to be consumed by the darkness. So that everyone is the same so that no one is better than anyone else.


    However, in a world of billions of people, there''s bound to be people better than you. So why is it that we compare to others for our success, why is it that we let our self-esteemed be defined by the success or failure of another. Can you be as smart as Einstein? Or as brilliant as Socrates? Can you draw a Mona Lisa? Maybe not. But you can do other things. You have your own set of skills and your own worth and purpose in this world. So why compare yourself to another. Everyone in this world is different because we are complex.


    If you want to be alive then see your own worth. Understand your values and your achievements. Don''t let the darkness consume you or lose who you are just by outcomes of others.