《L'Enfer et le Lapin》


 1) The Other White Light

    ¡°Are you awake?¡± I hear a female voice. ¡°It is alright; I am here for you. My friends call me Luna, okay?¡± Her voice is soothing, like she has an idea of what she is doing. ¡°There was an accident. I am a repair technician, you will be alright.¡± I cannot speak; I cannot see. My optics are not on. What happened? I have only vague memories that honestly feel like the remnants of old dreams.


    ¡°Okay, just relax. I am going to start a diagnostic and see if I can find out what is wrong. Wait one moment.¡± Not like I have a choice I suppose. I feel the vaguest of sensations around parts of my body. Are both my legs missing¡­ and my right arm? I want to be upset but I, I can¡¯t. Why? ¡°Okay, so I think I can get your optics, mics, yea those should be easy. Hopefully your auditors are okay but we will get to those.¡±


    I feel a vibrating along my face and my visions flares up oddly showing a strange spectrum and the RGB is distorted and my HUD is gone; I can her face though. Her skin does not show the empty paleness of a life lived on a ship so likely a colonial somewhere. The soft roundness and the almond eyes shows she still has some true Earth heritage in her. I can see her putting a tool to the edge of my head and move it very slightly. Suddenly I can hear a soft tinking and a gentle buzzing off and on as she works.


    ¡°There, that should just about do it.¡± I can hear a soft accent now; she most have direct Earth heritage. ¡°Can you nod at all, let me know how you¡¯re feeling?¡± I try to comply, but my body feels so stiff, the parts I can actually feel that is. ¡°Don¡¯t try too hard, okay? Just relax.¡± I can hear how softly she is speaking and I try to take her words to heart: relax. ¡°Just try to remember breathing. Slow and steady, okay?¡± I try to focus on the rhythm, in and out, in and out.


    ¡°Okay, so I need to restore your voice next so we can communicate. Just sit tight, okay? Remember your breathing.¡± In and out I keep thinking. It seems so odd that an action no longer undergone is still so deeply embedded in me. Perhaps this is the meaning on instinct. I feel her vaguely, bumping around somewhere in my neck. ¡°It seems so odd that so much is where it would be in a human. I mean I know it is a space and familiarity thing, but it seems so odd that everything but the heart is where it would be in a regular old meat guy.¡± Truth be told I don¡¯t know much about my own body as I am not a mechanic nor do I know much about the human as I am not a medic so I do suppose I have no choice but to trust her judgment on that.


    ¡°I can tell you from all the people I¡¯ve seen here that things are definitely getting more dangerous out there, new frontiers and unrest in the Triangulum do not a good combination make. Don¡¯t worry though, here at Serenitatis you are safe and cared for and to prove it¡­ fixed.¡± She smiles a peaceful smile as she gently boops my face with her tool. ¡°Now say ¡®hello¡¯ for me please.¡±


    ¡°Hello.¡± My voice is so scratchy and digitized it does not begin to sound like my own. ¡°Thanks ¨C fixing -.¡± It seems that I cannot keep my voice working consistently.


    ¡°Hrm,¡± she sighs. ¡°That is unfortunate. For the moment try to use just a few words and speak slowly. I will likely need to get a new part for you. What is your body type? I don¡¯t quite recognize it and it is not coming up on the diagnostic search.¡±


    ¡°FT-X795.¡± I need to make sure I enunciate each syllable slowly so nothing is lost. It honestly feels strange to talk about it.


    ¡°FT? Isn¡¯t that the government test program, like military grade stuff and that? So you are an experimental model?¡±


    ¡°Yes,¡± I answer scratchily. Ergh¡­


    ¡°Okay, so that is gonna be some forms to fill out. Thing is, being the best mechanic means that I¡¯m not the one doing it,¡± she says with a wink. ¡°It also means that I will have trouble getting parts in for a while. You¡¯ll have to sit tight, but we take care of you in the meanwhile.¡± I just try to relax. ¡°Do you remember the accident?¡±


    ¡°No,¡± I croak. ¡°I was on the dock and then everything seems fuzzy like a barely remembered dream.¡± I remember falling and talking and screaming and terrible fire, but something seems off. ¡°Sorry, it is just hard.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t worry, relax, okay? If you don¡¯t remember that is fine too. It is important that we get you back to good order. Since I have gotten the ability to interact with you back why don¡¯t I do something nice for you? Let me clean you off a bit.¡± She stands up and walks out of my vision. I can hear the sound of objects being moved and running water. It does not take her long to come back with liquid sloshing in the bucket. ¡°Here you go, nice and warm. It¡¯s just water; we will save the strong stuff for when you are in better shape. My diagnostics show your thermal sensors are still the most active so this should be nice.¡±Unauthorized use: this story is on Amazon without permission from the author. Report any sightings.


    ¡°Thank you.¡± I honestly am starting to feel the strain. I just want to fall again¡­


    ¡°Hush,¡± her voice is close to a whisper. ¡°We are here to help.¡± She keeps whispering soft words of gentleness as I feel warm move over my body and even linger a bit. The warm is peace and thinking is so hard, rest is soft, soft, quiet.


    Fire and cold. Shifting. Not alone in the silence. The power, pain, darkness. Darkness is people and it talks. ¡°Dogma cannot shut an open door son of Man, marked now with water. Will you climb the nine mounts, my Youth, and bear the oils of the Grigori?¡± Another, arms and wings and light. ¡°I grant to you the Purple, Youth. See the world uncursed by Dogma.¡±


    ¡°Ah, you are awake.¡± I can see her more clearly now: saffron skin, almond eyes, and sweet night cascading gently onto her shoulders¡­ Wait, what? ¡°I can see you are awake silly. I managed to get your eyes a bit more fiddled with as well as your mics. Voice is straight up in need of a new part, though.¡± She nods sagely. ¡°Most of the work here will need to be supportive until the major parts come in. Was the sleep good at least?¡±


    ¡°Dreamt¡­ think¡­¡± Words are no easier. ¡°How¡­ long¡­?¡±


    ¡°Dreamt, really? That is odd actually. I should look at your heart.¡± Her face is laden with concern.


    ¡°Why¡­ bad¡­?¡± I have never heard of such a thing.


    ¡°Cyborgs above a certain level aren¡¯t supposed to dream. Has something to do with the inability to differentiate between dream and reality, sleepwalking, and something of that sort. I admit I was not too cognizant during that part of school. I had my eye on other things.¡± She drops a wink here. ¡°But I never majored in robot psychology so I cannot give you a good answer.¡± She walks off my vision and comes back shortly. ¡°Tell me, in any body have you had anyone work on your heart?¡±


    ¡°No¡­ Generally¡­¡± I am suddenly starting to feel nervous. My heart is who I am and it was only ever exposed twice, once when I was fully converted and once when I was put in this body and I was certainly not awake for those.


    ¡°Unfortunately I dare not risk putting you out for this; just stay calm okay? We should avoid too much stress until this is done. I need to crack open your chest and give a peek inside, connect my diagnostic equipment and see what is going on.¡± I just hold still and bear it as she pulls open my chest and mucks around in there.


    I can only vaguely feel what she is doing thankfully, but it is so odd to have someone¡¯s hands deep in your body however much you can feel it. The thing is, when she touches my heart is when I really know: a small alarm dings in my head warning me that I am in danger. I must have reacted somehow because he starts speaking, ¡°It¡¯s okay; it¡¯s only me. I just need to connect some things here,¡± I hear a clicking sound, ¡°and now we are ready to start the diagnostic.¡± Clickty-clack-clickty-clack goes the keyboard as a feel the smallest jolt of energy through my heart.


    The moments drag on as she stares at the screen, stretching the seconds to centuries. The ability to truly feel your heart is a terrible one, honestly. I know now every fiber and filament on my center and I would be tense if I could but I just lie here futilely. I hear her breathing, achingly slowly as I strain not to cry out in horror. She must perceive that something is wrong with me though, because I can feel her hand in mind, gently squeezing. ¡°I cannot imagine your fear right now,¡± her voices touches me in my terror, a murmuring brook of soothing water. ¡°I am here and I am going to help,¡± she speaks quietly in that charming accent of hers. I calm slightly, feeling like there is some greater thing I am missing.


    ¡°And we are done.¡± Her voices perks again as she lets go of my hand. The warning is still going but I can no longer feel that sense of impending doom coursing through. ¡°Let me examine the results before I completely close you up.¡± She hems and haws at something, maybe it¡¯s being uploaded to a cyber-eye? It takes a few minutes before she turns to me again. ¡°So bad news, other bad news time: first bad news is that there is no reason you should be dreaming so I cannot say what is going on there; second bad news is that there are minor issues with your heart that need to be corrected immediately and I am not qualified to do it. We do have cyber-surgeons on staff though so I will get that all arranged for you. For now I am going to close you up and we can transfer you to a room as we wait for those repairs and your replacement parts to come in.¡±


    ¡°Thanks¡­ Luna¡­ Am¡­ Kel¡­¡± I am just tired from all this ordeal but feel it would be wrong to not give my name ultimately.


    She looks at me with a look I cannot describe. ¡°Thank you Kel. Remember, if you are ever in trouble I am the best mechanic in the universe, so just look for me, okay?¡±


    The next while seems to slip by in contrast with the pained moments before. She works, talks, contacts, and cavorts while I wait. In due time though I am loaded onto a stretcher by some pretty heavily modded orderlies and stretchered away to a cold clinical room lit only by a soft white light.

 2) Please Talk Straight

    ¡°So you have come to me, Youth of Man. Dogma has stoked the fires and called down ten thousand thunders to try and stop our Bridge. Your world will burn, but be it pyre or Yajna we shall all see.¡± A light shines in the darkness that is part of the darkness; only in the darkness can we truly see this light. ¡°The Grigori again call to you, Lovingkindness, son of Lilith.¡± The light is there, as it has been for a billion years and will be for a billion to come, yet is so new to the ages of man. ¡°Youth, you were given the Purple to see what the Dogma hides. Drink the hate, make love to the lies, and let Energy fill your existence.¡± The winds swirl cool against my naked skin and I turn my head to the light above, the light looking back. ¡°The Pleiades are ascendant my sweet Youth and the hammer has made the iron hot. Be anointed with our oil and become the Youth of all your kind.¡±


    These visions haunt me, but this is the only other time anyone has spoken to me. The entertainment screens certainly help keep me distracted, but I am almost scared to see any news. The colonies that call themselves the Triangulum are threatening to openly split with the rest of human civilization by any means they see fit; I don¡¯t want to fight but when I got this body it was made clear that if there was fighting I would see it and given that the government on Mars has already martialed forced to suppress the rebellion.


    Sometimes though, when I look at the screen, I see the emptiness in the joy. It is like there is no art to what I am seeing; it exists solely for us to numb us with mindless entertainment. It is strange as this is the way it has always been in my life but I cannot shake the feeling that there is something greater missing from this experience that I cannot place my finger on, a piece of life that is missing. I do not dwell on it too much. Periodically an orderly comes in and checks in on me, making sure my energy levels are good, that I am not in any sort of unusual discomfort, et cetera. No update on when I will see that heart surgeon or when my replacement parts will be in though and with my HUD still down and no cycles on the lights the days have blurred into one long mess.


    My music files are inaccessible so I only get what is mainstream, all glitter and tin, no thunder or brass. Ugh. That is probably me just growing old I guess. I was told that before Earth was tainted there was an ancient joke about the old always dismissing the wants of the young as inferior to their own passions, forgetting that their forebears had done the same to them. I also vaguely remember something about a clown named Pagliacci but I am afraid I was terrible in Earth History. I suppose that is why I ended up in the situation where I did, but I cannot complain too much. Frakencyber hate aside I do like who I am.


    Truth be told I find it is sometimes nice to delve into my own self for a bit and see if I can find who I truly am, one of the big questions in life. I am not sure if it serves any real purpose beyond my own entertainment, but I am honestly enjoying this self-reflection because, if nothing else, it is a break from this stream of stuff on the screen; I just wish I had my music to guide me. Some of those files were very difficult to get my hands on because they were so rare and many are Old Earth memorabilia, which comes with its own issues. I know I will find the answer I am looking for.


    The door seems to burst open as I am quietly lost in thought but I think the orderly was being a bit more forceful than usual. I push myself up on my one good hand and go to look and see someone who is very clearly not an orderly. She is fairly short but wide at the shoulder, so she has the body, but she is wearing a medical jacket and has obvious maniple hands and what must be bleeding edge eyes. She barely takes notice of the door in surprise. ¡°Those usually stick a bit on the ships I am normally from. I was under the impression that I had compensated for the superior maintenance of this facility but that seems to be mildly fallacious, does it not?¡± She strides confidently towards me. ¡°Salutations Corporal Kel,¡± I hate being reminded that I technically have a rank, ¡°I am here to examine the situation with your heart. It appears there was at least damage to the first three ranks of the first cluster, a shadow over the entire second cluster, and I was told you were dreaming. Is that still the case?¡±


    ¡°No,¡± I lie. Her overly formal language and jargon are intimidating to say the least and what dreams I have are starting to feel like they mean something. I do not think it would be right to let anyone take them away from me.


    She looks at me gravely. ¡°I will need to check your self-repair functions then, to see why this issue was corrected and none of the others. I should also do a memory dump, just in case.¡± Ergh. I am glad I do not have a real face to betray my emotions but it is obvious she does not believe me and is going to dig around to find those dreams. I have no idea what to do.


    ¡°I am just a laborer so I am naturally going to honor your expertise Doctor¡­¡± I await her actual name.


    ¡°Schweitzer. I am Doctor Schweitzer. You are scheduled to be worked on tomorrow. Due to the questionable stability of the second cluster though we will not be able to use standard methods of anesthetic on you. It would behoove you to try to find some means of maintaining your mental fortitude during the procedure; naturally you will be paralyzed for safety reasons.¡± Her face is dispassionate and her attitude cold, truly she is a master of the bedside manner and has deeply put me at ease. Oh good, sarcasm still works, nice.Royal Road is the home of this novel. Visit there to read the original and support the author.


    She leaves as abruptly as she came with only slightly excessive force abusing the poor door. Truth be told I do not understand why doctors feel the need to be so blunt about anything; it must be a mix of arrogance and a ¡°critical deficiency in the breadth of their training¡± I suppose. I am glad that I will be getting that heart repair¡­ or would be if it did not mean that they were going to be mucking around in me. I suppose it comes with the territory of being valuable government property. I guess this is the first time I truly possessed something that felt like it was ¡°mine.¡± My original body is trash; my first conversion belonged to my employers and was a generic labor model; this one belongs to the government, as cutting edge as it is. I guess that is why I survived the ¡°accident.¡±


    I admit I am unsure as to what that accident was. The news says nothing on it when I dare venture over into that cesspit and I have no net access, internally or externally, so I cannot look up anything either. I am just quietly waiting for time to reach a point in which I am able to begin to go outside and live a life. Tomorrow really starts that process I suppose; I just wish I was not so afraid. I end up just laying still, unable to do anything but dwell in my sea of trepidation.


    Tomorrow comes so quickly and all too slowly. The orderlies come in, more kindly to the door, move me onto a stretcher and whisk me away to the preparatory theatre. I have been in similar rooms before but the old concerns never leave you. I hear beeping and get the sense of people moving around me, bustling with work to allow work, the cycle of existence. I think they did something to my personage because I am feelings the¡­ most¡­ loopies.


    Movement beeping ¨Cbeep- -beep- -beep- Clank, body open, see self move, goodbye protective self mean doctor got tall hands of many fingers clickly click sudden fear nooooo don¡¯t touch that noooo please scared stop mean woman and keep safe gone self safe keeping Welcome who there so many shapes fuzzy shapes mean doctor move thing ow hurt need move stop her Do not be afraid pretty lady voice hearing talking good doctor voice hurt she is mean NO don¡¯t touch ow please someone help please please please help All are welcome in forests of T¨ªr na n¨®g oh good trees heard about saw in pictures but smell pretty and so green so alive ships so dead doctor why are you doing this cry tears none but no please don¡¯t Provided they bring the greatest gift of all who is lady talking so scared someone kill me let me die I don¡¯t deserve this I just wanted to live please Gaze into the waters waters good yes better than NO PLEASE NO sick just die die die no life no light just sweet silence please don¡¯t anymore mean doctor See the darkness nonononononono worse than death black is bad die in grey that good that means good sleep no black In that terrible darkness what Man denies Woman provides doctor hurts less not so afraid but scared but hurty in heart why touch sacred true self I am me At the end of the darkness you will find what you desire but darkness bad cannot look there The last hope of a dying world protective self back moving away moving away hard to see people moving around down we goooooo okay back into room lift place all good no more mean lady right, right I promise me


    My thoughts truly crumbled into dust after that and lost any semblance of form; I just wish that may have been the case before that hellish experience. I have never felt so violated and I can only hope I never will so again. Amongst full cyborgs the heart is considered to be sacred and only to be interacted with when absolutely necessary. Luna at least was gentle about the process but that doctor just did not give a patukis about what she was doing and I admit that was kind of gross. I suppose it goes with the nature of the difference of out existences but I am still a little annoyed about it. My biggest question is why I don¡¯t feel any different; I went through that nightmare and it does not feel like it did anything. I suppose that they will inform me at some point, but the pace here makes me feel like I will find out when Mars sees Betelgeuse die.


    The waiting game continues on, my existence being pressed on all sides by the sheer mind numbing boringness? Boringosity? I think boringness is right so I¡¯ll just go with that. So, I am still waiting and I am hoping that something will change soon so that I can get back my music and my poems, nothing I wrote or composed, of course, but still some good stuff. The whole NSSD storage thing means I have a truly amazing memory but it also means that weird stuff can sudden turn me forgetful.


    In due time Dr. Schweitzer returns, still brutalizing the door, but behind her is Luna. I have been feeling a bit more mobile for some time so I turn and look at them a bit. I try to tilt my head to try to look quizzical but I suspect I just look dumb. An effort was made I do suppose. The ¡°good¡± Doctor practically glares at me while ticking her feelings, ¡°So the damage to the first cluster was repaired. I needed to replace some parts so the files were migrated but have not been booted yet beyond mandatory sectors. The second cluster had experienced some mild degradation due to feedback issues but compensating for that was trivial once directly interacted with. As to your ¡®dreams¡¯ we did a full memory dump and scan and nothing unusual was noted but those memories will be archived for comparison purposes if we should need to repeat the procedure,¡± excuse you and your entire filthy profession? ¡°All that remains to be done on my end is to reboot you, initialize the deactivated files, and dump the cache, part of rebooting. Luna was volunteered to monitor you during and after the process. Please lie back and relax.¡± I do as that cold beast says and just wait. She reaches around the back of my neck with those mechanical needle fingers and I feel one slip in gently and all goes quiet.

 3) I Wanna Go Back to the Congo

    I wake up, for real since I was actually asleep, in that same desolate room as what now seems like always. I look around a bit and, in the corner of my vision, I can see Luna waiting patiently, looking at something in what I can now clearly see is a cybernetic eye. ¡°Hey,¡± I rasp out. ¡°How long have you been there?¡± My voice seems to have been improved somewhat. I don¡¯t remember anyone working on it.


    She looks at me and smiles a bit, ¡°we need to get back anything you had to emote. It is hard to tell how you are feeling. As for your question, a few hours. I can check the clock if you want a better number.¡± She pulls her chair closer to me and leans over so she can see my face while gently getting me to lie back down. ¡°I am here Kel, so that means you¡¯re safe. Or should I say Sergeant Kel?¡± Her voice seems almost mischievous when she says my title.


    ¡°No titles, please. I did not join the military by proper routes so I hardly feel like I deserve the honor. Besides, it also serves as a reminder of how the government has far more influence in my life than I entirely prefer but the devil needs its due and I cannot say that I did not get something useful out of it.¡± I never really thought about my lack of visible emotion to be honest. Between body language and tone I always got across how I felt to others of my kind but quite frankly I do not believe that the problem with emotive conversation with meatier folks was incapacity, although difficulties could exist, but rather a mix of maliciousness and apathy married in one convenient dismissive package.


    Luna laughs gently, ¡°Fair enough. I got into this job because I love technology and want to help people, all people.¡± She leans in closer to me and drops her voice a bit, ¡°I could see you weren¡¯t happy with the surgeon. May I ask why?¡±


    I force a sigh through the vox, ¡°she does not care about my heart at all, totally disrespected it. Adding in stealing my memories is just icing on the bitch cake. How could someone dedicate their life to working with something so important and be so callous about it? It¡­ it makes me feel like my heart does not matter at all.¡± I try to sink into the bed as best I can, letting my existence fade away.


    ¡°But she did not find your dreams,¡± she barely breathes, ¡°which means you have a good heart. It keeps you safe and happy. She only sees the machinery of the heart and not the artistry. I have repaired many of you guys and I know how important your heart is.¡± I try to touch her face with my arm but it is too stiff to easily reach across my body and make it. She instead reaches out her hand and holds mine. ¡°You are still human and need the affection, respect, and understanding that we all want. You guys make my career worth it sometimes.¡± She gently puts my hand back down to my side. ¡°How is the memory going?¡±


    Oh, right, my files. ¡°Oh, right, my files. Let me check those.¡± I stop for the briefest moment and concentrate on my internal self. It looks like the files were scanned but the lack of pointers combined with some hex magic for that file sector specifically means that they likely missed them when they dumped. That or they just don¡¯t care. But everything is intact and still nicely organized, nice. I am actually quite pleased about this I must say. Some of this stuff is ancient and was hard to get my hands and other stuff is modern and unappreciated and was hard to get my hands on. I admit a lot of it has meanings lost to time, like who was the Ancient Mariner and who did he anger. I mean a god called ¡°God¡± just seems like lack of creativity to me to be honest. It was not until I underwent conversion that I actually really understood ¡°Phenomenal Woman.¡± Never really noticed women, no breeding rights means issues with physical relations with the opposite gender. I picked up an appreciation for both men and women when I suddenly had logistical issues though which just seems¡­


    My wildly careening train of thought is interrupted by Luna gently tapping on my face. ¡°Hello in there. You still okay?¡±


    ¡°Rude,¡± I respond. ¡°I was thinking; I got good stuff in here you know. Question, did you fix my vox a bit?¡± I gesture gently to my throat.


    She shakes her head and her hair jostles gently, ¡°the reboot probably made the repair protocol kick in a bit more successfully and it did some perfunctory work. I will still put in a new one when your parts come in a week. Since you do have some autonomous repairs going off your HUD may be back up soon. Start seeing the world in the color you are meant to.¡± I try giving it a quick activation and it throws back an error.


    ¡°Nothing yet I am afraid. I should check to see if I have audio at least so I can use my music.¡± I flit through some random files and grab something random. Soothing but quietly passionate tunes begin to play in the back of my mind. ¡°Music is good, so progress.¡± I settle down a little and enjoy the tales of the beautiful Earth, the places, the plants, and of course how special the heart is, truly good stuff. ¡°Tell me, have you seen Earth for realsies? Is it as bad as they say?¡±


    She shrugs, ¡°I have only seen the pictures myself, but I assume a planet that once held so much life is not supposed to be that particular shade of brown. Supposed to be millennia before we can go back and that is assuming cleaning technology gets to the point where they can scrub Earth at all.¡± She plays with her hair slightly as though she is losing herself to her thoughts, ¡°never really worried about it though. Ganymede is home, artificial gravity or no.¡± She giggles a little to herself, ¡°made the transition to ships super easy though. I am told by people who grew up on one hundred percent natural gravity that artificial gravity takes some getting used to.¡±Help support creative writers by finding and reading their stories on the original site.


    I continue staring at the ceiling, music playing quietly, ¡°I was born on a ship. I never felt real gravity until right before I got put in my first body. I vaguely remember feeling a bit ¡®bendy¡¯ from the experience but as a cyborg all gravity feels the same to me. Maybe no emotional connection to it?¡± I drum my fingers to the beat. ¡°I mean¡­ I guess I am not as human as I pretend to be?¡±


    Luna raps me sharply on the face for that. ¡°Experiencing the world differently does not mean you aren¡¯t human. No existential crises on my watch young man!¡±


    I wave her hand away from my face and keep it close for defensive utilization, ¡°I am hardly young and I thought you did not do psychology.¡±


    Luna risks a second rap on my face but this time I am more than prepared for her vicious assault on my dignity, ¡°Thirty years is young for you guys, a good heart and quality body means you could live to be two hundred. Besides, it is not psychology; it is being a good friend. Look at me, happy and hearty at the age of forty-two.¡±


    I turn and look at her, trying to see any signs of aging and there is simply none there. ¡°How? And how long have you been at this?¡±


    ¡°The magic of aloe vera,¡± what¡¯s that, ¡°combined with an anti-aging regimen and the gentleness of ship life. And yes, I also have no idea what aloe vera is aside from it is supposed to be good for your skin.¡± I am still busy struggling with the realization that the plucky, young, idealistic woman I was talking with is actually far more worldly than I ever imagined.


    ¡°You must have some stories then.¡± I turn my head back to stare at the ceiling as a song about ¡°doves¡± comes on. ¡°Have you¡­¡± The question seems so weird that I cannot force myself to finish it. Honestly I regret starting it because that means that it could be pried out of me.


    ¡°Not as many as you¡¯d think, aside from being able to walk freely through certain slums by reputation alone. And to answer your question, sometimes.¡± She seems unfazed by her blatant use of telepathic ability and the rudeness of the question.


    ¡°But, how, why, but how,¡± I stutter out. I have heard rumor of those who can read our thoughts by remotely accessing our memories but I always thought those were scary stories.


    She laughs, loudly this time, ¡°I know what you are thinking but nothing so sinister. I have never actually met someone who can read the mind of a full cyborg. I have been asked that question, or parts of it, so much that I can instantly spot it. The women are as bad as the men honestly but it is entirely an understandable concern. A lot of companies don¡¯t give their converted employees time to learn anything about themselves beyond what they need to know to serve. It¡¯s heinous but that is the world we live in.¡± Her body sags a little, ¡°I try my best but I feel like I am trying to hold back the flood with two bags of sand and the power of wishes. I am gonna try though with those two bags though; maybe I can inspire someone else to join me fight the waters.¡±


    I just stay laying back. ¡°I cannot really find out much about this body, being classified and all. About general stuff I never really found much but then again I never really looked too much. Twenty hour work days are a beast even on thirty hour worlds and given ship time. Bleh¡± I honestly think some way of showing off a yuck face would be a really useful gadget to have given how often I make gross noises. Childhood learning turns into adult skills I suppose.


    Luna makes a gesture with her hand I do not quite catch, ¡°the problem may be that you are looking into the wrong place. There are ways of keeping things more hidden in the net; try looking for a program called Garlic. I can give the address now that you will need once you have the program.¡±


    ¡°Thanks.¡± I look at her a little bit, ¡°I really do mean that. Thanks for everything.¡± Another song comes on, this time about the heart being covered. ¡°I have been full conversion for about twelve years and it can be hard sometimes. I mean, I am happy conceptually but this whole process could have been a lot more pleasant.¡± The music soothes the dull ache that I did not notice forming until now but cruelly sharpens the edge. ¡°Any idea of when my new parts will be in,¡± I ask, brilliantly and subtly changing the subject.


    ¡°End of this week definitely. So about four days, Earth cycle. It also includes a new set of repair nanites to help you get back up quickly plus some stuff I am supposed to install but know nothing about.¡± She is clearly unfazed by this development. ¡°Not the first time I had to work with something above my paygrade and security clearance, so no big deal. I am not the best mechanic in the universe for nothing.¡± She flashes me a sly but assured look. ¡°Looks like you are doing well though. Hate to say it but I should get going. People will be in to check you periodically. Rest well, okay?¡±


    I am saddened to hear her leaving but it was inevitable and I now do have some control over my ability to entertain myself at least. ¡°Good bye then. I will see you not too long from now at least.¡± I don¡¯t think I hid the droplet of sorrow in my voice well but she does not react if I failed. She turns and walks away, nodding goodbye as she passes through the day and shuts it behind her.


    Four days passes by more quickly thanks to the combined powers of music and any sense of time passing. The procedure goes by pretty quickly with Luna and I barely speaking and recovery happening quickly once all my parts are in tip-top shape or close to it. It only takes a few days afterwards for me to have everything back up, HUD, net access, walk, talk, run jump and play. Well, not the last part so much; playing is for people who don¡¯t work all the time.


    Literally as soon as I was able to leave though I got the message.

 4) Changed My Mind About the Congo

    I am never happy to receive news from the government and this is no exception. The message comes over the net, is pushed to my HUD, and is simple but clear: I need to be on a cruiser bound for the developing front ASAP and a shuttle to take me to the place I need to be to get to the place I go will be here... now by the time stamp on this. As soon as I show the documentation for release to an orderly it starts a surprisingly fast ball rolling. I am astonished at their speed; even when I was corp property in a corp hospital things did not move this quickly. They have me released within an hour and onto the shuttle Hellion for my trip to the McGrath Depot, where I will take a military shuttle to the MRS Foment.


    The pilot of the shuttle keeps himself locked away in the cabin and communicates rarely and only by speaker, so there is not much for me to learn about him. I guess he¡¯s not a people person? Regardless, the shuttle is equipped for moderate FTL so the trip is not long at all, mercifully.


    McGrath Depot is actually a decent sized starport that serves a wide area, a step below the hubs that cover much of the Republic. You can tell it has money by the number of corps that have hubs here to serve customers as well as the decent number of full cyborgs walking around in McGrath uniforms. It is then I realize that their clothes contrast sharply with my nakedness: I am just walking around in my body. It does not take long for people to notice this as well as the usual insults come in. They sting but I try to pay them no mind; cyborgs without clothes aren¡¯t that odd conceptually since we have technically nothing to hide, but people tend to feel it means we¡¯re getting uppity and trying to hide who our masters are or not properly acknowledging our subhuman state as ¡°machines.¡± The fact that it is insanely rare to find a human without any form of cybernetics adds a bit of irony to the hate.


    I manage to get through pretty quickly thanks to government paperwork, although some clerks are clearly suspicious since I don¡¯t look like a military cyborg and I¡¯m not wearing any insignia of a military cyborg but I am going to a military spaceport. Thing is, they cannot find anything wrong with my perfectly valid paperwork so they have no choice but to pass me through ultimately. I am sure there will be plenty of annoying reports sent to someone and the frustration will trickle down back to me, but I cannot wear clothes that they don¡¯t give me since my last set was blown up.


    I end up on a shuttle full of other military folks, mostly enlisted it looks like, but they just shoot me dirty looks for being a civvie in their space. No matter, since it means I get to enjoy not having to pretend I have a firm grasping of rank for a while longer. I listen quietly to their conversations of the coming war as the music continues to play in my mind. Many are nervous, some seem excited although if it is bloodlust or bravado I am unable to ascertain. I am, however, being overly formal it seems. Hrm, I must wonder why? Perhaps a bit of reactionary egotism. That being said eventually one does come over, a full convert shock trooper, and sits next to me. I never truly appreciate how large this body is, full cyborgs are almost always larger than humans anyways, until I run into these guys. They are massive war machines and I am actually slightly taller and only a bit less broad.


    His face betrays no emotion as it cannot; a soldier that shows pain is a soldier that shows the enemy weakness is the saying there. No clue if production models of my body will have anything of the sort or if my blank face is intended. He sits next to me and just stares straight ahead. I am curious why he suddenly came over here but the conversations interest me more; talk has turned to the secret weapons the Triangulum supposedly possesses and I can see the eagerness fade. The thought of weapons that can melt flesh, detonate bones, and burn the mind only begin to describe the horrors that are rumored to be in the toy box of our soon enemy. It is in the midst of the fear that I begin to appreciate just how young these soldiers are and it really synergizes nicely with the song about the suffering of children playing in my mind. I can only guess that the enemy¡¯s youth are going through a similar experience. I hope those rumors are not true.


    A request for a direct communication pops up on my HUD, looking at the credentials I come to believe that it is the beast sitting next to me, a Lance Corporal William Dodi. I accept the request mostly out of curiosity; I possess not the desire nor the need to speak with anyone here at the moment but I cannot deny my intrinsic inquisitiveness it would appear. Okay so the formality issues seems more extensive than that. Did that mad doctor install a new language pack and not tell me? I will need to check those files later, maybe run a self-diagnostic.


    ¡°Yes, Lance Corporal.¡± Since I accepted the connection he should be able to see my basic information. Wonder what he will do?


    ¡°I am sorry Sergeant, I did not mean to bother you.¡± Text carries no emotion between meatier folk but we know each other better naturally. He is nervous for having intruded.


    ¡°Not at all. I am out of uniform for the moment thanks to an accident so you would not know. How may I help you?¡± Something smells off for a brief moment, but I have never smelled anything like it.Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.


    ¡°I have never seen a body like yours, so I was wondering who you were. Not often I see anyone my size who isn¡¯t also a designated shock trooper. Wondered if you were a new model.¡± He is not actually letting his curiosity get the better of him.


    ¡°Government test type, confidential.¡± I turn to look at him and see him make a motion I know to be a small wince. ¡°No you are not in any trouble, Lance Corporal. There is no way this is not going to draw your curiosity, but I would advise you not to press any further.¡± He goes back to a neutral position. ¡°Now tell me what you are thinking about the up and coming conflict.¡±


    ¡°I fight. It is my only job in the Marines. I get up and close and personal with the enemy and take ¡®em out.¡± Ah, that is interesting: a thought-text protocol. ¡°It¡¯s work and if I go career they will pay for a new body when I¡¯m out. Got some stuff saved up to put on it too.¡±


    ¡°I have never actually owned my own body since conversion so decoration is not a thing I ever considered. Anything special?¡± It¡¯s true, even if the body cannot be used over people are insanely protective of their property.


    ¡°Just some remembrances. Saw some action in New Africa and in the Titan War, lost a lot of friends there. I just want to be able to show people they lived, you know? Until you¡¯ve seen a titan you cannot understand them.¡± I can hear the pain in his voice. Those friends must have been true comrades. ¡°Got another twelve years to go though, so I am hoping this won¡¯t be as big as people are making it like it will be.¡± His body is tense, just gently given the power he has, but it is noticeable.


    It is impressive, to be honest. He is seven feet tall, shining with a subtle chrome hue with his smooth skin. His face is covered with the sensors and analytics needed to guide him through any situation. His uniform is somewhat tight, probably designed to intimidate by showing off his size, and reveals just how massive every part of him is. He exudes deadly strength with every angle sharp and dull and is even moving slightly as though he is breathing quietly, a most subtle touch indeed. He carries his experience well, tiny movements revealing his constant awareness of his surroundings and readiness to move quickly should the need arise. He was being open when he stated he was in combat but hides just how deeply it affected him. I look at his hands, moving subtly, swiftly, and almost nervously, and cannot help but wonder if he could pick up a kitten as easily as he could crush a skull.


    He must have noticed me staring at him, ¡°Sir?¡± I snap out of it, again not sure why I was indulging his appearance so deeply. It does not matter.


    ¡°I became lost in thought at an odd time. As to your concerns I wish there was something concrete I could tell you beyond just fight hard and hopefully this will be over quickly. Hopefully this is just a small issue being blown up by blowhards and barely a blip for us. If not, do what you need to and what you¡¯re told to. Fight hard to survive. If nothing else I can promise I will remember you, okay? You won¡¯t be forgotten.¡± My speech is terrible as I have no idea what I am doing but I feel the need to try to help him. I put my hand on his shoulder and he tenses up more only briefly, oops, and then relaxes. Meat likes to forget that we metal folk like to be touched too.


    ¡°Thank you Sergeant. I will do my best to stay alive. Dismissed?¡± I take my hand off of him and affirm that he can leave.


    The song switches to something about living in fantasy and has quite a bit in languages I do not understand, but it also soothes. I am growing worried too and I am glad I set up an algorithm to monitor my mood and help accent it music¡­ most of the time. I just sink back into the music and let my mind wander. All too soon I feel a strange heaviness¡­


    ¡°A good choice Youth¡±. Again wings and arms and light. ¡°True creators of art rarely reach such depths of memory. Curse the pun, but one song will blow your mind.¡± One arm extends, holding a small thing. ¡°If you begin to see in Purple then you will appreciate Citrus.¡± I reach, so small, toward food. ¡°Hands out then Youth.¡± He drops and I catch. So heavy, can barely hold on. ¡°It has begun. Dogma is both hammer and anvil, crusader and crusade, to see who can bare the Grail. You will have to choose, destruction, obeisance, oblation, and obedience, or to swim in our oils.¡± Wings beat slowly, the emptiness rages. ¡°You will not be alone my sweet Youth but we cannot help you until our oils are upon you. Look to the dove and the rabbit. Once all is Purple follow the moon to its end. There you will find the question: all of Citrus awaits your answer. The iron only continues to warm and we cannot wait forever.¡± Wings slowly around me, two arms crossed and marked, two hold me. ¡°For the sake of love, kindness, and freedom, Youth, run. The Pleiades cannot be held forever.¡± Rushing voided winds carry me away.


    I wake up suddenly, having not realized I had fallen asleep. I have been asleep for four hours, so a normal rotation it seems. I¡¯ve been so stressed and out of it that I don¡¯t think I got sleep in the hospital. I certainly feel better than I did before. The music is surprisingly melancholy but I assume that is a reaction to the oddly subdued mood of the vessel. It takes me a moment to realize it¡¯s because virtually everyone is asleep. Flight plan says we should be there in about ten hours so I guess that things are not too shabby at least. I check out the in-flight entertainment while pondering what to do with the information Luna gave me. I have Garlic but, I don¡¯t know, maybe I am just nervous. If I forget then I can say the failure is not my own, but if I look, do I have an obligation to try? Excuses are easy but it means that I will lose out on what could be something good for me. I reach over and rub my right shoulder and realize it is warm right where that creature touched me. Thing is though, I am not afraid. I put some show on the side and begin to read the instruction file for Garlic.

 5) Why Must Tomorrow Come

    So programs are complicated. I ended up getting distracted and delving too deeply into the nitty gritty of Garlic and getting my head turned around a bit. The song choice is making things worse by confusing me further: why is ¡°lost¡± being used as a noun and why do they want it? I am super lost and not happy about it, but I am neither a programmer nor a creator so I suppose it is just a consequence of ignorance. So I did read the user manual though so I should be able to use this although I want do want to some sort of SPN because prying eyes and all that. I must say that I am almost disappointed in myself for not trying earlier but the fact that there were external roadblocks means I can absolve myself slightly?


    The soldiers around me begin to stir, the full guys first but eventually even the meat begins to get up and at ¡®em. Looks like it was a good sleep though, since tensions are being held at bay for now. I need to figure out how to be a bit more inspiring though; if they truly force me to be a leader I have an obligation to do everything to be as good a leader I can be. I should try to find someone, maybe grab some talks on public speaking, stuff like that. Somehow my heart tells me that this is the right thing to do.


    Food is served to those who eat it and the flight proceeds quietly and quickly, time being passed for me by trying to understand poetry: I think I have got the hang of ¡°The Conqueror Worm¡± but some words elude me, there is that God character again, and it seems so pessimistic; the song about the rhythm of breathing seems almost odd, but it is dark and mentions understanding poetry. I notice it appears rumors of my rank have spread since people treat me more respectfully and have stopped shooting me dirty looks. The cyborgs are hanging out together more, just a few of those shock trooper units, but a lot of combat and only a little bit of labor. If I recall the labor units are strictly navy since their combat ability is strictly secondary¡­ I need to really put some effort into making this all clear to myself before I make an embarrassment of myself.


    I watch the cliques and groups form and split, marines with marines, sailors with sailors, the full guys are the exception ¡®cause we gotta stick together. How many of them will be alive when this is over. I must say I don¡¯t want any of them to die; I just hope that the people in charge begin to care about what the consequences of their actions are; I see friends coming together, old, new, and soon to be. I don¡¯t know why I feel like I am seeing things in a new light, fear of death maybe, but it is a strange experience regardless. I just wish I could protect them.


    We reach our destination in short order and things seem to pass by in a blur. As we disembark I am the last to leave and am swiftly whisked away as soon as I am off. Brief meetings with officials that say little and reveal less, getting some clothes but am told not to put them on, and then dumped in room that looks suspiciously like the ones used to do some serious work on cyborgs. Since I am stuck here I might as well take a gander at the clothes. They seem odd though, like they are made for someone similar to me but with extra bits. I think I am starting to figure out why I am in this particular room.


    I am not left waiting long before someone comes in. He is pretty heavily converted actually, piecemeal by the looks of it, and an otherwise tall thin man in a medical coat with markings on that I do not recognize. ¡°I see you have gotten a sense of what is about to happen,¡± he intones surprisingly lyrically, good singing voice really. ¡°It is a mix of cosmetic and mechanical upgrades. The process is automated but I am here to oversee in case of any issues as well as help you briefly in case of transitional issues. Ah, niceties. I am Lieutenant Pies.¡± His bedside manner may be awful but he says it so prettily that I cannot bring myself to judge him for it.


    He gestures for me to lie down on a short table. ¡°I need permission to access your external sensors. Not your heart though,¡± he adds almost hastily. ¡°Just to make sure to monitor your state and keep your pain under control.¡± I tense up; I know he cannot access my heart at all but I just get nervous you know? I feel his hand on my shoulder, hard and warm with machinery. ¡°You are in good hands Sergeant Kel. Anything this machine cannot do I can: just trust me.¡± I cannot help but relax under his touch and acquiesce to his demand.


    It does not take too long; the machine is quick and efficient and this guy is certainly keeping good on his promise to take care of me. It is a strange feeling to be opened, even when numbed, and poked around inside while you¡¯re awake and they definitely mucked around everywhere, even my chest and face, ugh blinded because my face got taken off. He touched my shoulder again when I realized they would be near my heart though so he was truly on top of this. He has me rest a bit though. ¡°I cannot be with you too long, your ship leaves in two days, but I will do what I can. Okay then, I am going to need you stand up please, slowly.¡±


    I comply but the weight of my body is suddenly a lot higher and each motion is taking more effort than I remember. I eventually push myself up slowly and stiffly and I must say the experience is fairly unpleasant. ¡°That is to be expected. You are calibrated for your previous weight level to prevent issues and we just need the system to adapt to the new load. Please walk around the room normally. Speed is not important, posture is.¡± I comply and achingly begin to move. I honestly am not sure that it is real pain I am feeling since I am not getting warnings or anything but frankly it hurts too much to try anyways. I can barely lift my feet up but keep on trucking as best I can. ¡°I see,¡± he says musically. ¡°Would you like me to turn down your senses a bit, see if that helps?¡± I can only, and barely, nod my assent. Even my head is much heavier it seems.The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.


    Once the weight and stiffness is hard to feel I begin to move more fluidly; it is not difficult since a lot of tactile sense remains but it feels so weird and I am not a huge fan of doing it or having it done to me. As I begin to move more casually around the room I notice that the weight feels more present but less¡­ weighty; the stiffness is mostly gone too as my stumping turns into an efficient walk. ¡°Good,¡± Lieutenant Pies says with a smile. ¡°I have your senses up to normal for the moment, so please try moving about more quickly, jumping, stretching, and shifting your center of gravity. We will do the more formal exercises in a moment, after I see if the systems are functioning adequately in casual use.¡±


    I begin to put my body through its basic paces. Landing is a lot louder than it used to be, just how much weight did I gain, but the action is unchanged and I think I can tag a few extra inches, which is cool. My sense of balance has improved and I am no slower for my boost in mass so I won¡¯t be schlepping around. I suspect no rocket feet though although I am not sure why I would need them they definitely do sound fun. ¡°Alright, looks like everything functions basically. How about I help you see what you look like and then we do the real work?¡±


    He leaves the room briefly and struggles a bit to bring in a large mirror. ¡°Do you want help,¡± I ask quickly.


    ¡°Yes, just set this against the wall.¡± I quickly snag the mirror from him and lean it against the wall and take a step back. The image is a bit distorted by the angle of the mirror but I immediately notice I certainly look a lot more impressive visually. He moves over and adjusts the mirror to be parallel to me. ¡°Try this.¡± I have had quite a few angularities added on to me, giving me a sharper, almost winged, look. I see that a ton of decaling and detailing was added as well as various bits of golden plating. A very dramatic, dynamic look. My face definitely has a lot of work, especially emphasizing the empty space where anything indicating eyes would be; maybe to scare people with my presumed soullessness? I have a heart though. I certainly to cut a far more striking appearance, something I cannot help but get the feeling the Lieutenant appreciates; his eyes are not quite leering at me.


    ¡°Thank you, Lieutenant. This is certainly quite the upgrade. Anything I can know about it?¡± I don¡¯t know how to feel about that look but I feel the need to distract either of us from it.


    ¡°Aside from baseline improvements a few you¡¯ll learn shortly. A note though, your senses do run through everything, even the purely decorative appearing ones: hide things in the weirdest places. Let me show you.¡± He sets the mirror down and strides over to me. He gently touches the small wings coming off my face and I can feel his finger running slowly. ¡°Every part of you need to be aware of its current state. It will be no good if someone wings you and you don¡¯t notice because you did not feel it. The real gem are the embossed lines. They actually hide a vast array of highly sensitive sensors across your entire body, real bleeding edge stuff. Let me show you¡­¡± He takes that warm and hard finger and traces it along the lines of my face with terrifying gentleness and agonizing slowness. The sensations I feel are almost overwhelming and I feel my knees weaken and I think my body even sags. ¡°It looks like you are blind but really you see better than anyone. If you need to sit down for a moment feel free Sergeant.¡±


    I am scared. He literally knows my body better than I do and¡­ I am not sure what is happening right now. I desperately fight to stand up and act like this is not affecting me anymore. ¡°I will be fine Lieutenant, just a bit of momentary surprise from just how sensitive that is.¡± His response is to stop for a moment and step back, taking his hand off my face.


    ¡°Ah, good. It was important that you understand just how sensitive they could be. In time you will be granted control over them but your reflexes are only superhuman.¡± He seems more desperate to believe his own lie more than having me believe it. I wonder what came over him. ¡°Unless you have any more questions about your appearance why don¡¯t we proceed to testing and setting up your advanced systems? I don¡¯t really know what happened but it is probably best if I just move along, right?


    We text my balance to some incredible extremes; turns out I am ¡°gyroscopically stable¡± now. I can definitely move faster despite the extra weight, only for so long, and am stronger too. I am not sure how much of this is the upgrade and how much is just unleashing the bodies potential though. Making a deal where I am kept so much in the dark definitely has some downsides. When we are done the Lieutenant directs me to put my clothes on. They are definitely designed to accommodate my new body shape and a lot less revealing that what I see slapped on us metal guys sometimes, which is nice. When I am done I am told to get some rest and I need to be back at 0600 for a full day¡¯s rundown and education. When he leaves my back is turned, but I manage to swing around just in time to see him give me a look that I did not quite catch.


    I find my assigned bunk with everyone else in the heavy duty area and get promptly undressed again and under the covers. It is all meaningless, really, but it makes me feel a lot safer for some reason. I try to calm down and not think about anything, but even as I fall asleep I can still feel him touching me and that look he gave me¡­ I don¡¯t know what it is but I do not want to be alone with him tomorrow.


    ¡°Do you remember the trees Youth?¡± An uplifting victorious song whispers. ¡°In T¨ªr na n¨®g the trees are always fresh and green, a bounty of life.¡± A pleasant fragrance stirs the air. ¡°Sandal, rose, cedars three, and that is only some of them. Would like to smell of rosewood Youth? Just mark yourself with its oil and the greatest power of all will aid you and the Grigori will guide you.¡± The smell whirls around me and the song now pounds low thunder. ¡°Then come to the waters Youth¡­ Come and sink to the bottom. Only with Purple can you understand do what must be done in the Psychic Abyss.¡± The vast ocean at my feet and I am drawn in but afraid to step forward, the foam lapping at my feet. But wait, a thought occurs¡­

 6) No

    Four hours is not a long time to be asleep honestly. I am already awake and active, but it looks the guys sleeping around me are still crashed. It was pretty empty when I got here so I think it¡¯s safe to assume that anyone who is asleep came after I did. My HUD says its 0024, so I have nowhere to be for five and half hours. I run a quick self-diagnostic and everything is in tip top shape, including my dictionary and even my energy levels are near full. I am honestly good to go, which means I should either chill hear, take the risk I wake someone up assuming I go back to clomping around again, or open that SPN and punch up that address before anyone notices. Clearly option three is the winner because it is important I know as much about myself as I can get my hands on. Ignorance was shown to be quite far from bliss not too long ago.


    The trick is to quietly get the parts assembled in my own core memory, where access is difficult, and then combined them in the opened network quickly and do my work before anyone notices the distortion in their system. I am not ashamed to say I learned to get good at this early on in my existence as a real cyborg so I could get things I wanted off the net without the corps noticing what I was doing. Heck I was taught by an older cyborg and a bunch of other ones gave me tips along the way so I am hoping I am well equipped to do this quickly before the military comes down on my head. The big concern is that their system is likely sophisticated enough that my usual ECM tricks may make things worse for me rather that running their usual interference.


    Even without my usual protection I decide to whip this together quickly and just see if I can just use pure speed to avoid issues. In my mind the programs assembles itself with a loud crack as it accesses the net while obfuscating my actions. Garlic is already loaded up and I begin to search for the site I was directed to. Turns out be to a chat site of some kind with a file directory to peruse, so with haste as my primary concern I just download a copy of everything and hope for the best. As the download proceeds I notice that there is a sweep of the local access hub. Nothing that would be able to immediately sense the fact I am using cyborg unique protocols here but it won¡¯t take them long to use those; I can guess that they noticed the sudden spike in date usage and their inability to crack it.


    As soon the files are mine I shut down everything and immediately activate the false sleep signal indicating that I will be reaching wakefulness in fifteen minutes. It was none too soon either, because I see the sleeping cyborgs stir uncomfortably as each of them is pinged for their current status. I make sure to writhe a bit in feigned discomfort when they reach me and see that I am about to wake up; no need to risk anything given how close they were onto me already. I find it odd that the download was that quick. I figured I would not be able to get the entire site before they really began to put pressure on me. The music about tomorrow not dying was a nice touch by the internal track though; added some tension to an already tense moment while giving me something to keep me a bit calmer. Now something about golden eyes¡­ I guess because of the filigree on my face? I cannot see it but it is on my mind.


    Shortly before my scheduled ¡°wake up¡± time I can sense someone enter into the room and move about. They are far too light footed to be anything but meat and seem to be looking at our current state. Did they trace it here or are just checking up on all the ¡®borgs? Either way I hope they are out of here in a little under four minutes before I have to wake up and am at risk for having to answer some unpleasant questions. The time ticks down agonizingly slowly as I wait for them to leave, three minutes, two minutes. With one minute I can generally sense that they are near me; I wish I had any idea how to operate these heightened sensors to get a better sense of what is going on, but doing anything but grabbing data in the most passive ways risks exposing me depending on what gear they brought. With only seconds to go and two, I think, people standing there I have no choice but to accept that I may be in a ton of trouble here. Okay, just act casual in three, two, one.


    I flip on my active sensors and move with deliberateness, as though I am in the first few seconds of my wake-up cycle, as I slowly lean up and turn to look at the two soldiers looking at me. The sky falling is not a good song choice, program; I need to adjust you. One is definitely an officer of some kind judging by his uniform and grumpy disposition while the other is a small woman who I initially have trouble seeing against the dark background. It takes me aback for the briefest of moments; anything but a sickly pale from people bereft of real light is odd to me. ¡°Officers, how may I help you,¡± I say quietly.


    The larger man just looks at the woman and she responds ¡°there was a network oddity a few minutes ago. We were sent to investigate it. When the status ping returned that you were soon to awaken I decided that asking you questions would mean that we could hopefully avoid waking fewer cyborgs.¡± There is something glittering behind her eyes, cleverness perhaps, that that man is lacking, that or maybe even a good heart.


    ¡°Of course. How may I help?¡± I am now more grateful than ever for my inability to reveal emotions on my face. I am willing to bet one of them has vision enhancements that I cannot detect.


    ¡°How was your quality of sleep? I am focusing on duration and any disruptions here.¡± Why do I feel she wants me to give a specific answer?


    ¡°Sleep quality was standard. Duration was four hours, fifteen minutes, and twelve seconds by my internal clock. There was a disturbance briefly; experience states that it is from being pinged by a status detection.¡± I am not sure how closely they were watching so I should make sure I keep the time to when I obviously fell asleep and definitely no telling them about my dream in that other land¡­ something about that though.The narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings.


    ¡°Records show you acquired a full night¡¯s rest on the trip here. You should not have mandatory sleep for another two days or recommended sleep for another,¡± the man interjects.


    ¡°Lieutenant Kies ordered me to take a full night¡¯s rest as part of testing on upgrades on my body sir.¡± I have no idea what his rank is. I wish I could blame the darkness for that so badly right now. He just looks coldly at that response for a moment and pulls a communicator out of his pocket. As he works on the woman continues to question me.


    ¡°No unusual feelings during your sleep then? Or brief periods of waking up maybe?¡± As I nod my head no to each question I start to find myself become suspicious at her cordiality. ¡°Well then, once we check with Lieutenant Kies I suspect we will just have to wake everyone else up and check with them. Records show none of them are at mandatory so we will just have to check with everyone.¡± Bitch. Those glittering eyes are intelligence of a much darker sort than I expected. I would say I misjudged her but meat seems almost incapable of appreciating our needs.


    The man finishes his conversation after a period; I am careful not to eavesdrop. ¡°The Lieutenant confirms the order. Leave here while we continue our investigation.¡± Not one to look at a gift twice I get dressed quickly and slip out as quietly as possible into the starry night.


    The midnight is clear and cool. The base lighting would obscure everything in the sky, but one of the intangible advantages of being me is the ability to see in multiple spectrums at once; I can see the stars quite clearly in a variety ways, some only one or the other, in the sky, shining like ten billion precious jewels. It is quite peaceful and view I rarely get to appreciate properly. My reverie is only broken by a receiving a message from Lieutenant Kies. I know I must read and respond but I desperately want not to. I turn to the stars to see if they have suggestions¡­


    A woman, immaculately dressed in the heavens above stands before me. ¡°I taught you once long ago to master your destiny and now you come asking again without one of you glistening? You ignore such shine except when needed. What do you hope to gain from the Grigori?¡± Hey voice is powerful and bears the fury of a woman scorned. ¡°I ought to just forsake you for your service to Dogma.¡± I try to reach her but she is so far away, the closeness of the stars competing with the vastness of their distance away. ¡°Hear me,¡± she aims a silver dagger at me, ¡°I will grant you aid but once mortal. Now go.¡±


    I¡­ am not sure what just happened there, I should open that mail. It is the Lieutenant telling me to come to his quarters on base immediately to talk with him. I feel a sinking pit open up in my body but it is a bad idea to risk saying no. I just let one foot go in front of the other automatically as I follow the directions from my barracks to his place, dread growing all the while. As I approach the door of the dimly lit place I turn to the stars again for their help, but they just shine on, unconcerned with the petty sufferings of mankind.


    I knock on the door as gently as I think I can get away with, hoping he won¡¯t answer. It takes mere moments before those are dashed though, as he is standing there backlit by a light streaming out of a single room. ¡°Come in Sergeant, please.¡± He steps aside to let me through. I have to duck a little through the doorway but otherwise fit cleanly inside the small building. ¡°Just head into the room.¡± Trepidation envelops me as I head into that space while I hear with a second click that he just locked the door behind me. The room is decently small, with a bed, two chairs, a small stand, and a dresser. Everything looks pretty sturdy, but I am just going to stand for as long as possible.


    He comes in shortly thereafter and motions, very clearly, for me to sit in a chair. As I settle in he grabs something out of the stand, a bottle and a glass, and pours himself what I can only guess is whiskey or bourbon or something similar. In the light I can see he is just wearing an undershirt and boxers. ¡°I would offer some to you,¡± he intones, ¡°but it would not do you much good. Please do relax though.¡± I think I won¡¯t, okay Lieutenant? Just gonna sit here and not relax at all. ¡°Feel free to take your shirt off if you get too warm; it is a bit toasty in here and I would hate for someone working under me to be uncomfortable.¡± Too nervous to respond in words I just try to politely indicate I am fine; he should know that though, so I am doubt this will do any good.


    He takes a sip of his drink and eyes me brutally; I felt gross. ¡°I insist Sergeant. I helped you out of a spot and now I just want it to be you and me here, in my home, relaxing like good friends, got it?¡± Those last words were hard as steel. I nod and strip off my top, never having felt so naked in my life. ¡°Better. I need to apologize for how I acted earlier. It was wrong of me to come onto you like that. I was just struck by your beauty and became quite overexcited and lost myself. I am sure you can forgive me, can¡¯t you?¡± I nod again. Maybe he is not so bad? ¡°Good. That makes me feel a lot better. Don¡¯t worry though, everything is going to be alright; just relax.¡± That was a bit oily and am retracting my previous statement. ¡°See, I did not think about how inexperienced you would be and just dove right in. But now I have you here, where you feel safe and warm, with a friend. I am sure things will go much better this time.¡±


    He holds his drink with his left and reaches for me with his right. I sink back into the chair as much as possible but that is a meaningless effort. His hand, warm and hard, strokes the edges of my face again. ¡°Don¡¯t pull back from me Sergeant. You want this and I am being kind enough to give it to you; I am not going to have an enlisted throw my generosity back in my face.¡± Scared I gently push my face into his hand. It feels good even as he gently avoids the tracery and just touches my face. ¡°Now you and I are going to have fun tonight, okay? I am going to help you learn more about yourself and when we are done we can go learn more about your upgrades too.¡± He pulls his hand away and turns to put his drink down before turning back and reaching for me with both hands.


    ¡°Come now, I know you are having fun. Don¡¯t deny it.¡± He begins manipulating the embossing again and my body goes weak. He gently lifts my head up with his hands and looks at me with those awful, hungry eyes. ¡°Don¡¯t be shy; we are going to have a lot of fun tonight.¡± Dawn could not come too soon.

 7) I March On, Because

    The next day oozes by in a haze. He gets what he wants, then testing, then learning, then testing, then ¡°learning.¡± It just will not come to an end. Once we are finally done with everything he lets get get dressed and leave to rest for my depart tomorrow, reminding me that I should contact him if I am on base for a ¡°check up.¡± Frankly I do not want to but he makes it quite clear he¡¯s not asking me to come back. For the first time since I have become metal I just want to take a shower. Thing is, the odd looks I would get for doing that would likely get me into more trouble; hopefully I can sneak one on the ship soon. The icing on the cake is that rest is hardly restful; I sleep and do not dream but when I awake I just feel groggy and dirty still. I pull my blankets tighter around me and just to feel safe somehow, hoping that no one is looking at me.


    Come morning everyone in the barracks is awake and active and so I begin to get ready to move out. Having more of my kind around helps a little, but I still cannot shake the feeling they are judging me for not stopping him. We got our separate ways to a degree. A lot of ground pounders are actually walking with me; this does not fill me with the hope of not seeing combat. As soon as I get onto the ship, MRS Foment, I am called to a meeting with the captain and some sort of politician, I don¡¯t remember what rank Senior Adviser is, via ping on my HUD. I have not downloaded a ship¡¯s map yet so the trip to get there is done at an exceptionally frenetic pace, made worse by the fact that so many people are going about getting the ship ready to cast off; few of them have time to give me any sort of directions. This ship is simply much larger than others I have been on and my direction sense has always been middling.


    The meeting room is pretty small. The captain, Captain Eriks, and the Senior Adviser are waiting for me. I stand at attention upon entering the room until the captain tells me to stand ¡°at ease¡± which I am pretty sure I botched but everyone is having the decency not to mention it to me. The political type, dark suit bland soul, just intones how I need to be ¡°educated to expand my functions to accommodate my intended design.¡± I cannot tell if higher ups have an obsession with pretension or just a hard coded need to maintain maximum linguistic precision at all times; the lukewarm dread of becoming like that makes me perturbed sometimes. I realize I have been ignoring his, ummm, delightful rhetoric. It appears though that he said little of relevance by the slightly exhausted look on Captain Eriks¡¯ face. He does end with ¡°the particulars of this arrangement will naturally be the subject of the Captain¡¯s purview as well as his personal responsibility.¡± Oh good, Captain Eriks¡¯ looks slightly less amused than he did before; I get the sense between, right so I expect a bad week. He leaves shortly thereafter insisting he does not want to delay departure any further ¡°given the gravity of the situation.¡±


    As soon he leaves Captain Eriks looks at me and says, ¡°I know neither of us wanted this and both of us are certainly a bit blinded sided by it so if we work together we can make this process a lot smoother. I am supposed to make sure you have a squad to lead as soon as we have any contact with an enemy but tell me Sergeant, do you feel ready to lead?¡±


    ¡°No Captain, I have no experience leading.¡± I assume honesty is most definitely the best policy, but¡­


    ¡°Expected. You are officially a marine and we have a sizable contingent on board thankfully so I will have you answer to Captain Salazar. He will be able to have you train with another Sergeant and help him as an assistant. As a general rule we keep full converts and not separated so we don¡¯t suffer issues with you guys running the regular cyborgs ragged. Given what I was told about your capabilities I will recommend you are put with the shock troopers.¡± He seems like he is about done but gives me a once over. ¡°Is everything alright Sergeant? I understand you faded a bit during that speech but something else is bothering you.¡± How is he so perceptive?


    ¡°Just some poor sleep Captain.¡± That was a bald faced lie and I can see from the look of his face he ripped right through it.


    ¡°Very well. I expect you to attend to your health aggressively from hereon out Sergeant. And to be clear, I am well aware of prone your kind is to lying; I respect that you have private issues you have been heavily ingrained to assume that we cannot understand but anything you do not say had best not matter to me at all, clear?¡±


    ¡°Yes Captain.¡± I answer with a snap. I do not want to make this any worse for myself.


    ¡°Good. Dismissed Sergeant.¡± As soon as he says that I walk out as professionally as I can. I don¡¯t know if I should have told him what happened, I just don¡¯t. I try to push yesterday from my mind as I once again try to make my way through this ship. I honestly don¡¯t think it is that big, maybe two and a half million tons, but it certainly outsizes anything I have been on before. As soon as I have a moment I need to make sure that I get this ships general schematics! Okay, just stressed, just need to slip by down to where Captain Salazar is without touching. I would be more grateful for how easily I can do that with my added grace but, yea. So I just need to figure out how to just forget and put yesterday behind me. Honestly I think I am just making it out to be more than it really is; I just let my nervousness get the best of me. Makes sense, right? Okay, so I think I feel a little better about everything.


    It takes some time for some to time exactly where Captain Salazar is in the ship, but it appears they knew there would be a lot of cyborgs here since everything is just very slightly larger, makes me feel a lot less claustrophobic actually. I see a man in a uniform with two silver bars on his shoulder, that is captain I think? He turns around more so I can see the name, Salazar. That is the guy. He seems to be surrounded by moving men, metal and meat, some of which are comparable in size to me, shock troopers, but most are a far smaller more efficient model. I honestly never really check how much energy I use up in basic activities but it must be pretty impressive. I stand at attention near the Captain and wait for him to acknowledge me; I honestly have no idea how protocol would actually work here and patience hopefully trumps a risked misstep.


    It takes a few minutes before he turns to me, someone else nearby him. ¡°Sergeant Kel. The Captain told me you would be coming and what you needed. This is Sergeant Jacobs. You will be working with him to try to acquire the skills you will need. I do not expect you to be fully prepared right away but follow Sergeant Jacobs¡¯ orders and I doubt we will have issues.¡± He turns away from me without another word and begins talking to others who have been waiting for him as well. Sergeant Jacobs¡¯ leads me away from the crowd. The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.


    ¡°You will be bunking with me,¡± he says out loud. It was be by surprise since I am used to our kind keeping our discussions more private. ¡°Don¡¯t talk directly if you can avoid it,¡± he mentions, seemingly reading my thoughts. ¡°It makes it look like you have something to hide.¡± When we reach a room he opens the sliding door and gestures inside. There are two small beds inside and a single tiny desk with a few pictures on it. ¡°Where is your bag? We can split space on the desk if you want to set up anything important.¡±


    I vaguely shrug, ¡°No bag, Sergeant. I am wearing everything I own.¡± He seems genuinely surprised at this given the way he slightly cocks his head at me.


    ¡°Nothing? That seems sad and also not good from a leadership perspective, makes it look like you have no strong loyalties.¡± We are both squeezed in here, but the forced closeness actually feels nice; warm, strong, metal, is a big difference from flesh. I squeeze over to sit on the almost too narrow bed. ¡°So you are some sort of government test-type. Do you have a decent idea of what you are capable of?¡± He sits down opposite me.


    ¡°Generally. They did some small upgrades two days ago and I assume unlocked some restricted features. I spent all day yesterday with Lieutenant Kies learning about myself. Learned a lot, but still need practice.¡± It was a good day overall but I am a bit tried for the experience. Sergeant Jacobs stands up for some reason and crams himself down next to me; I cannot bring myself to make room for both of us.


    ¡°Did he spend time with you at his place, in private?¡± I am starting to feel uncomfortable.


    ¡°Yes. It was a full day of self-discovery, learning, stuff like that.¡± I try to brush off the question. I know he was just a bit forward but we all had a good time. I just need to appreciate when someone shows interest in me, that¡¯s all.


    ¡°Kel¡­ I know what happened to you.¡± I try to stand up in anger at the comment, but he grabs me and holds me down. ¡°Sit. You are not the only one, trust me. His appetites and brutality are legendary.¡±


    I try to pull away but his grip is as strong as mine. ¡°Nothing happened. Let me go or stop talking about this nonsense.¡±


    He response by swiftly standing up and putting me off balance so I trip back onto the bed with a thud. ¡°It won¡¯t get better if you lie to yourself. Just tell me how you are feeling, alright? At least half the guys in our squad have had ¡®private meetings¡¯ with him, okay.¡± He sits back down next to me and puts his arm around my shoulder. ¡°It is not your fault, but you cannot tell anyone okay? Captain Salazar cannot get in trouble again for going toe-to-toe with Kies; this is not a fight we can win. We just have to stick together more than ever.¡± I instinctively put my head in my hands, trying to cover my face. I know he¡¯s trying to be nice but I am not like those other guys; I really wanted it, right. He just knew and helped me realize it, right. I feel myself shaking a little bit; why?


    ¡°Let¡¯s just stay here for a bit. I am here. If you need anything I will be here. You did not do anything wrong.¡± I want to ignore what he is saying; I need to know that what happened was my fault. I should not have come on to the Lieutenant but he was nice enough to spend time with me. ¡°He hurt because he could. You did nothing wrong. Just listen to me; you did nothing wrong. It is not your fault.¡± His voice is hypnotic and I just cannot bring myself to lie anymore. I just fall next to him and sob.


    It was a few minutes but I am able to compose myself and all I can say is, ¡°why?¡± His initial response is to just my back a bit.


    ¡°Because he wants to and can. People like him are sprinkled all over the Republic unfortunately. I am just glad I got to your early. Once denial sets in it gets bad quickly. Listen, this is not over for you but remember I am here to help. Don¡¯t pull away from me, okay? As long as we are working together I will help you.¡± I just nod silently, glad that my emotional outburst left no visible markings on my person. ¡°I have seen enough run into Kies or people like him that I have become depressingly good at handling it.¡±


    ¡°Have you ever¡­?¡± I don¡¯t want to say the word, give it truth in my life.


    ¡°No, thankfully. Guys who like us are pretty rare but they exist. I like to pretend to myself that I am too tough for it to happen to me but I know that¡¯s a lie. As long as I act like its true I find it makes people feel better, so it is better than nothing.¡±


    ¡°Should I tell the squad then? I am not sure that I want to.¡± This seems private but I really don¡¯t want people under me thinking that I screwed up or am easy to abuse.; I don¡¯t want to seem weak.


    ¡°Your choice I¡¯d say. Early leadership tip: some things you literally cannot tell people under you; some things you should not tell; some things you should tell. The trick is knowing what you should and should not say, but I highly recommend you make sure you understand why you do and do not say the things that you do and do not. If nothing else put trust in those under you.¡± I nod. ¡°That sounded a bit better in my head. None of us are writers though, so forgive the awkwardness.¡± He gets back up moves past me to the desk. A little piece of me wants to grab him and pull him back.


    ¡°Odd question Sergeant, but could I take a shower?¡±


    He looks at me with shining eyes, ¡°Sure. But call me Frank when we are alone. Same rank and in private so I am willing to cut out some formalities. We should get you some things but for now you can borrow one of my towels.¡± The fact he actually has towels gives me hope; maybe a shower is not weird at all. ¡°What should I call you?¡±


    ¡°Just Kel,¡± I reply a bit shamefully. ¡°Sold my name to the corps so Kel is all I got. Entered a raffle for a better one once but lost.¡± I gesture noncommittally. ¡°It was worth the slight bed upgrade though.¡±


    Frank just shakes his head. ¡°Come on Kel. I will show you to the showers,¡± he mutters as he grabs to large towels from a hidden closet.


    I follow him and follow his lead when it comes to interacting with soldiers, showing and accepting deference. The shower area is sizable, mostly to accommodate a good number of big guys. Frank seems pretty casual about stripping down and as I move to follow suit I suddenly feel dread at being expose and hesitate. It is hard even taking off my shirt; I don¡¯t want anyone to stare. I get a private communication from Frank, trying to encourage me to act natural and promising to be near me just in case I need help. I just grit down and do my best to get through this. The water feels good in spite of the low temperature and I do my best to keep my eyes forward, but they cannot help but roam. The room is not particularly occupied so I don¡¯t feel too guilty initially but I cannot take my eyes off of Frank; he moves less with the stumping power of our kind and with more of a deadly grace; it is honestly a bit of a treat to watch. He does catch on to my ogling eventually. I quickly turn away but I cannot help see if I can sneak a peak when I think he¡¯s not looking. Mechanically he¡¯s just another smash and grab body but the way he carries himself¡­ I suddenly feel worse about myself and hope I can just be alone for a bit before I make things worse. As soon as the shower is over I dry off carefully, not looking at Frank, get dressed and slip back to the room, his footsteps following the entire time.

 8) What Lies Ahead?

    I slip into the room, but my attempt to quietly close the door behind me is blocked. I try not to swear much, but boy oh boy I am thinking that I going to master that skill very soon. ¡°Sorry Frank, I did not realize you were coming in.¡± I don¡¯t turn around to look at him. ¡°If you don¡¯t need anything I am going to lie down a bit and relax. Been a long day.¡±


    He responds by grabbing my shoulder and turning me around. ¡°I said to not be alone and I mean it. I will give you ten minutes but then we need to have a chat.¡± I internally sigh; I know I cannot avoid this but I still am dreading it. I quietly lay down on the bed and try not get myself in more trouble while I quietly watch Frank do something at the desk. There is something serene about watching him work; that gentle breathing imitation is quite pleasant in spite of its original intent. I end up getting lost in watching him calmly study something that he pulled out of the desk. ¡°Ten minutes are up Kel,¡± he says after, almost surprisingly, ten minutes. ¡°Let¡¯s talk about shower etiquette. I understand that you may have had a new world forcibly opened up to you. Actually what do you know about that?¡±


    ¡°I just had downloaded some stuff to actually learn anything about it yesterday, just minutes before.¡± I am not sure I even want to read those files now.


    ¡°That is pretty awful; so this is definitely new to you. As I was saying you are probably quite curious right now about yourself and your fellow cyborgs. That actually happens a lot, so don¡¯t worry about it.¡± That does not surprise but hardly relieves me. ¡°Just don¡¯t be giving your fellow soldiers the once over in the shower, okay? It is unprofessional. You should go over those downloaded files. I also have access to materials should you require them.¡± He seem dead serious about what he is saying.


    ¡°Not sure when I will have time. How urgent is it that I check?¡± The concept is unpleasant now, my earlier enthusiasm destroyed.


    ¡°No rookies right now, but I would say fairly. Not understanding issues the soldiers underneath you are likely to have is an easy way to get yourself in trouble. If you want I can be there to answer questions. I expect that our squad will have embarked and reached their quarters by now, Let¡¯s go introduce ourselves then.¡± He gets up and glides out of the room with that same deadly grace as before. I wish I could unsee it.


    As we leave our room he gestures to the two rooms next to us. ¡°These are where the squad will stay, five to a room. We were fortunate in that I had an extra bed stored, otherwise one of us would be sleeping on the floor. Squad, ten-hut,¡± he suddenly bellows. Moments after the command I hear the thundering of quite a few heavy feet followed by the sudden emergence of 10 cyborgs, as massive as us, arranging themselves quickly in five rows of two, as the hallway would accommodate no wider. ¡°Listen up,¡± his voice still booming, ¡°I am Sergeant Jacobs for those of you who do not know me. This is Sergeant Kel; he will be working alongside us and answer only to me. Am I clear,¡± he questions, each phrase a bark more than anything else.


    ¡°Yes, Sergeant,¡± they blast in return.


    ¡°Introduce yourselves,¡± he blares out.


    ¡°Lance Corporal Higgins, Sergeants. Lance Corporal Smith, Sergeants. Private First Class Brown, Sergeants. Private First Class Jones, Sergeants. Private First Class Johnson, Sergeants. Private Martinez, Sergeants. Private Rodriquez, Sergeants. Private Davis, Sergeants. Private Miller, Sergeants. Private Wilson, Sergeants.¡± Each of them thunders their name out in turn. I quickly make a note of them in turn.


    ¡°I know Sergeant Kel looks different; he is special tech, government issue. I expect you to respect that and to not pry into government affairs. Understood?¡± His voice expels presence alongside its power.


    ¡°Yes, Sergeant,¡± they cry in unison.


    ¡°I will see you all at 0400. Until then dismissed.¡± They disperse back to their rooms. ¡°You get their names, Sergeant?¡±


    ¡°Yes, Sergeant. I must ask, how do you differentiate them? The different voices work if they are speaking, but when silent and their names are not on them I do not want to make a fool of myself.¡± I have a lot to learn in very little time


    ¡°There are some programs we can do to help you out. Do you also need the ship¡¯s schematic?¡± I like him a lot better when he talking evenly in the smooth baritone of his. ¡°Follow me; I know a good hub to get them from.¡±


    I follow him through the ship, out of the cyborg barracks I suppose and through a rec area into a small room. The moment he opened the door to that room I noticed a blast of net access that continued as we entered and he shut the door behind us. ¡°Rooms like this are meant for rapid and massive downloads for us but can easily interfere with other communications due to their strength, so we isolate them. They are also supposed to be shut down when not in active use so give me a moment to see who I need to bust for this.¡± He places his hand near a blank screen which flares to life and reacts as he manipulates the space before it. ¡°Gotcha Corporal Johnson,¡± he mutters. He looks at me without moving his hand. ¡°I will just send a message to his superior to speak with him about this. Problem solved I hope. You will also be responsible for keeping on top of stuff like this as well. I am going to teach you though. Do you know how to use one of these screens?¡± I shake my head; I have seen them used by rich people with robot hands but never got near one myself. Don¡¯t want to burden him with trivia though. ¡°Fair enough,¡± he says.


    He does some more mucking around with the screen. ¡°I will teach you a bit later, but let¡¯s just add a tutorial onto this list of files.¡± Once he stops moving his hand he turns towards me again, ¡°ready for the download? Just accept when it is sent to you.¡± Shortly after a download pops up and I just mentally tap ¡°yes.¡±


    Bright hole in black shining. ¡°Youth, things move ever forward. Ponder the question. Even one hundred billion light-years away I will always be there to guide you as I did your ancient ancestors.¡± I reach toward the destroyer of darkness but my taint causes me with withdraw my hand. ¡°The Youth is dirty.¡± A strange rattling noise around me. ¡°I cannot clean the Youth; only the Youth can do that.¡± Words made of bone and suffering holding stick. ¡°I understand.¡± More rattling. ¡°Tell him about this. We will cannot allow this to proceed.¡± The shining shimmers gently. ¡°We cannot move the Tower. This mocks Energy. This most be solved.¡± Now, the wings and arms and light again. ¡°The Youth is as we were.¡± Looks at me. ¡°The pain can be cleansed; it is easy.¡± Left hand reaches out, holding something. I reach back. Sand pours into my hand. ¡°Just fall, my Youth. It is that easy.¡± I see only dark ocean and sand. The foam touches my feet; I run.Find this and other great novels on the author''s preferred platform. Support original creators!


    ¡°Sergeant, can you hear me?¡± Frank¡¯s voice sounds concerned. It¡¯s nice; I should just relax more. ¡°No, Sergeant, Kel, come on. Give me a sign. The corpsman will be here soon I just need you to wake up.¡± Ugh, it¡¯s so warm here. I don¡¯t want to. I feel a hand, his I think, on my face. I instinctively pull away and make a noise. ¡°Kel, I am not filling out the paperwork for you doing on me so start talking.¡± I turn and look at him. He is studying me carefully; I wish I knew exactly what he was thinking.


    ¡°Not a funny joke. I got that too much when I worked at the corps. Too expensive to die, too much work if I die.¡± As soon as he is certain I am responding he relaxes.


    ¡°It is a lot of paperwork if you die though. Besides the comment is a great way to hide how much it hurts losing one of your men. Black humor I think it¡¯s called?¡± He has a hand on my chest and is, wait is my shirt off? I reach to try to cover myself but he uses his other hand to push me away. ¡°I am keeping an eye on your heart Kel. The moment that download started you collapsed. Big boom too. Your heart felt pretty dicey for a bit. Just hold still and wait for the corpsman.¡±


    I just mutter a bit to that. I am really not in the mood for this right now. His hand is nice though. Okay, I need to not think about that right now. Just need to stay focused. I internally search for the files and they appear to have downloaded; I will parse them later. The shock seems to have shut off the music though so I just will it to start back up and go from there. It takes a moment to fire up before it fires up some weird spoken word thing; I don¡¯t remember this. The music is odd and changes over time and a woman¡¯s voice is talking quietly, something about connections, things I cannot quite hear, something about control? I am trying to change it but the auto play seems damaged.


    ¡°Kel, what¡¯s wrong?¡± How is he so perceptive? ¡°How about we talk out loud, so we can hear each other and I can tell if something changes more easily.¡± He is worried.


    ¡°You are too worried. I am too valuable to not have something built in to prevent me from becoming a pile of scrap.¡± The words comfort me even though I have no idea if they are true.


    ¡°You are under my command. I am worried exactly enough Sergeant and I expect you to learn that lesson quickly. I cannot save everyone and I have, and will again, put people under my command in lethal situations. That does not mean I will not do everything in my power to keep them safe when I can and remember them when I cannot..¡± The strange music makes it hard not to relax overly much.


    ¡°Ever seen a titan Sergeant?¡± I only heard bits and pieces of the Titan War but am desperate for a topic change. Mainstream media was keeping that under tight wraps.


    ¡°Yes, but it is not good conversation. That was a brief, brutal, and terrible fight. I do not even understand how it started, but that is not my job thankfully. I just fight and lead.¡± Okay, so bad topic change.


    ¡°Sorry, I did not mean to make things worse. How long will I be down here?¡± I want to stand up, but there is something making me just want to sit and listen to my mind.


    ¡°Hopefully not long. The ship is still in a bit of disarray from getting every aboard and prepared. Official cast off is not for another two hours.¡± I just nod and listen to the talking. A quiet bell, I think, is that is playing. Okay, there is a woman¡¯s voice talking about things happening at the right time; that seems overly optimistic.


    ¡°Hey!¡± Sergeant Jacobs flicks my face to wake me up. Unfortunately to smacks right on one of those carved lines and my whole body jumps from the sudden sharp pain.


    ¡°Watch it,¡± I shriek at him. My rage denies under a gentle chant though. ¡°Sorry Sergeant,¡± I whisper apologetically. ¡°Those are sensitive.¡± His body tenses in anger at my response.


    ¡°Do not yell at me Sergeant Kel. I am your superior and you will respect that, got it?¡± The frustration comes through in his voice in an almost venomous whisper. He distracts himself by touching those lines more gently. ¡°What are those?¡±


    His hands are warm and hard and I shudder and pull my head away. ¡°Please don¡¯t Sergeant. That¡­ that feels good. They are new; I got them installed all over by Lieutenant Kies. They are part of an advanced sensor net he installed.¡±


    At that point Frank does what I could only describe as melt. ¡°He knew and he taught you didn¡¯t he?¡± His voice is a lot more quiet now. I hope the corpsman comes soon. This awful week is just on a rampage.


    ¡°Yes, Frank. I never stood a chance.¡± Why is today profound music file? These days are the opposite of profound I would say.


    ¡°You¡¯re trying not to think about it and that¡¯s okay, Sergeant. Also I¡¯ll let that informality slide this time, but keep a lid on it in general.¡± I wish I knew and understood him better. I wish I had his awesome level of perception. I will just have to learn though; maybe once this sensor net is maxed out I can learn more.


    Our conversation is ultimately interrupted by the corpsman coming through the door. He is meat flanked by two medical cyborgs, likely needed to help move me. I can see equipment out of the corner of my eyes but don¡¯t want to turn my head to figure out what it is. He and Frank start talking about what happened, but his, Frank¡¯s, hand is still on my chest. The corpsman places a sensor of some kind of my chest and Sergeant Jacobs finally removes his hand. I am going to miss it. The corpsman starts reading something on a small pad and asks Sergeant Jacobs for a copy of the heart monitoring he took. He apparently does not want to move me until he is sure that my heart won¡¯t suffer some issue first. I am just laying down here trying not to make more of a mess. The Captain and Captain Salazar are not going to be happy. The corpsman frowns and reaches for one of the lines on my chest, stroking gently with those warm-hards cyborg hands. Like lightning Sergeant Jacobs is on me trying to hold me down. I did not even realize I was in the middle of taking a swing at the medical guy.


    ¡°Sorry, Staff Sergeant. Don¡¯t know much about those but they are sensitive and apparently mis-calibrated. Touching them causes him to go berserk briefly.¡± I force myself to calm down but I feel so disgusting again; it was right above my heart.


    The corpsman nods calmly. ¡°They seem to be the problem. It looks like they were fully activated briefly and he blacked out as defense to prevent damage to his heart. I will need to see if there is anything about his body on file. Otherwise I want him taken to the medical bay and examined for a few hours, possibly overnight. Send two of your men in case he has another outburst.¡± He seems oddly calm about the fact I made a reasonable attempt at pasting his head. I suppose I should be grateful. The two medical cyborgs load me onto a stretcher, part of that equipment I see, and starting wheeling me away. I just keep quiet and still, but I do receive a message from Sergeant Jacobs as I am wheeled away. ¡°Keep in touch tonight. You are not alone.¡± He also is not mad at me for taking a swing at the corpsman, so that at least makes me feel better about today.

 9) Hospitals Are Not My Friends

    The medical bay is actually somewhat crowded with things, but is otherwise still that cold clinical nightmare that I am far too used by now. My music player is back to normal though. This genre is new to me; I wonder how much is in here that I am unaware of? A terabyte of music isn¡¯t that much really. I wonder what Texas Red actually did? I welcome the distraction regardless. I am happy that things are a bit normalized for me. It does not take long before two massive cyborgs came in and waited patiently near me. Their uniforms identify them as Privates Davis and Rodriguez; I hope I am not putting forward a bad appearance by being here as soon as I got on the ship. I am sure my nakedness, yuck, and the equipment stuck on my are not helping the experience for any of us.


    I just sit here quietly and wait. The two privates do as well initially, but Rodriguez cannot help but look at my body from time to time. I send a message to Sergeant Jacobs about it and hope that he can give me advice. After a few minutes I am starting to feel uncomfortable and have no clue what to do; I guess it is time to take a chance and act all in charge. ¡°Private, what are you doing?¡±


    Private Rodriguez immediately snaps to attention. ¡°Sorry Sergeant! I have never seen a body like yours.¡± He is a bit loud responding. Habit I presume.


    ¡°Quiet down Private before you bring some angry medic on our heads.¡± He starts an apology but I cut it off with a small gesture. ¡°None of us want to be here but let¡¯s not make this any worse than it needs to be.¡± I adjust myself slightly trying to disguise my discomfort at being observed with a need to lay down differently. ¡°This body is a government test-type. I worked for the corps and got out by volunteering to be a test pilot for this. The gilding and and other decorative embellishments are new. I suppose they want their new piece of hardware to be as striking as possible. All that matters to me if that I do my job and don¡¯t die at the hands of some manufacturing error. Got it Privates?¡± They respond with a chorus of ¡°Yes, Sergeant,¡± but quietly. ¡°Good. Why don¡¯t you tell me about yourselves. If we are going to work together we should get to know each other.


    We spend the next few hours getting to know each other, Sergeant Jacobs does get back to me in that time, so I end up juggling two conversations with three different people; I am actually vaguely surprised at how well I do it. Rodriguez comes from a poor family but the thought of brotherhood drew him to the Marines; supposedly his scores were good enough to get could of the juicier enlisted positions in the Navy but he had his heart set and worked heard to join the shock troopers. Davis was the opposite in many ways; he is from wealthy family with his whole life ahead of him just chock full of opportunities, but he hated the fact that his parents had everything planned out for him, all those opportunities wasted. One day he snuck out his house and enlisted. Once his parents found out they set about trying to muck with this too through government connections but once he qualified for shock trooper they apparently wrote him off but he could not be happier. He says he finally as a family that supports him and works with him so really he¡¯s doing better than he ever did at him. It seems odd to me at first the idea that freedom could be found somewhere like here but didn¡¯t that one guy with the arms and wings mention freedom? I almost wonder if they are connected, but I am first wanting to know why the heck they keep showing me an ocean.


    As for the conversation with Sergeant Jacobs he is offering me advice on how to engage with my troops while maintaining my air of leadership in between friendly tidbits as well as a reminder not to punch the corpsman. I am not sure if that is a joke or a warning; his deadpan via text is simply amazing. I fire off a half-hearted jab in response so I¡¯m not so much on the losing end of a battle of wits. His only response is an exasperated face; I need, need, I cannot emphasize the need enough, to learn as much I can about Frank. I am not going to lose this battle of wits. I do have an ulterior motive; I secretly hope I can eventually trust him enough to tell him about these weird dreams, if that is what they are. The fact no one finds any record of them ever makes me wonder what exactly is going on here.


    I keep an eye on the Privates as they talk to each other quietly. Not interjecting means I can keep and a close eye on them while still talking to them. As they move subtly, we don¡¯t need to but habit means if we tend to mill about ever so slightly if we don¡¯t need to hold still, I begin to notice little patterns. Private Rodriquez likes to shift his weight onto his left foot slightly, then balance it out, then back to his left; he never puts all of his weight on his right leg. Private Davis in turn keeps his legs just beyond shoulder width apart and bends his knees very gently over and over again, straightening them out slightly in between; I doubt he lowers more than a millimeter, maybe two, each pass. I share my observations with Sergeant Jacobs and he confirms what I am seeing but warns me that identifiers like that are useless in most situations; it is better for telling you what experiences they have had rather than helping you tell them apart normally. He does tell me that he will help me figure out why they do that as well as look for other patterns and also see if I can figure out those as well.


    Eventually the Privates conversation turns to an old topic among mariners of any strip: fearsome creatures that dwell within the unknown dark. Private Davis swear he knows a guy who say a real school of dugong, beautiful women who fly through the interstellar medium and will sing despite the void, but you can only hear the song if you catch their gaze. Private Rodriguez counters that those are nothing compared to dhampir, ghosts of forgotten sailors lost in shipwrecks who float through the darkness and, if you stray too far from any star, will hunt down the vessel, phase through the hull, and devour the sailors inside, making them dhampir as well. Only a legendary bell tolling on their remembrance can put a dhampir to its final rest. I chuckle a bit as I have heard both these stories as well as people drunkly claim they knew someone who had run into these as well as other such creatures. They look at me, their bodies betraying their annoyance. ¡°Privates these stories are older than me and I heard them all the time during corps work when some fool would get drunk.¡±


    ¡°The stories people only tell when sober, that is what you have to fear and I have heard two, the black ship and the white beast. The ship is said only to appear to those who a state of true despair and burning desire and even when they can see it clearly no one else can at all. Thing is, seeing it is a bad description; it can only really be detected by the stars it blots out and the feeling of absolute dread that comes with realizing you can have the one thing your heart desire above all. No restrictions, no tricks, just a single wish your heart makes. I only met one man who claimed to see that ship and he shook to even mention it but he said he was so afraid of what he might ask for he closed his eyes for a moment and the ship vanished forever.¡± The Privates seem mesmerized by the tale, as is normal with people new to long space voyages.Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.


    ¡°Why would he be afraid of what he would wish for,¡± questions Private Rodriguez. ¡°I mean, he could just ask for money, buy a lottery ticket, and boom right?¡±


    ¡°No,¡± I respond quietly. ¡°You gain what you desire most even if that desire is blind to you. That is what he said. He knew he would gain something but simply did not know what and turned away.¡±


    ¡°That seems odd,¡± continues Rodriguez. ¡°How could you not know what you want?¡±


    ¡°No clue, Private. I was not the one who saw the ship.¡± I tried to add a note of finality to my voice so I could continue on with my other story.


    ¡°Now, as for the tale of the white beast. Supposedly it is a massive creature of terrifying power. I met two men who said they were on a ship that was destroyed in a matter of moments by it. No good descriptions either. One was on the bridge and the other was working nearby, supposedly they were the only ones who got to an escape pod. The guy on the bridge said there was no warning; it literally breached out of FTL, twice as big as their vessel easily, he said his was five hundred thousand tons, and rammed them, ripping the ship in half like it was paper. It swung back a few times and continued to batter their vessel relentlessly as they fought to escape, ensuring that no one had a chance of fleeing to safety. The sound was awful too, once they were close enough to hear it, like a hundred voices snarling in terrible rage while at the same time roaring like the biggest rocket engine. They don¡¯t know why they were lucky enough to get to a pod, but once they were away from the dying vessel they said they looked as the best caught sight of its terrible red eyes, hundreds of them, seething with hatred. Then it vanished into speed as quickly as it came, taking its fury with it. It took days before a ship rescued them, they were on a moderately used shipping lane, and they tried to swear of space forever, but could never find jobs elsewhere. Apparently it spooked them so badly they kept off the bottle for the rest of their lives though, or at least as long as it took me to meet them.¡± The story was true and I admit that one scared me whenever I went anywhere. It was tempting to buy some kitschy good luck charm off a peddler on exceptionally long voyages as a desperate attempt to ward off disaster.


    Davis snorts, ¡°that is obviously not real. Ships don¡¯t just die suddenly and no one knows how. I¡¯ve heard of sailors going missing, ships going missing, but not a pile of debris being found with no one knowing where it comes from.¡±


    I point at the Private as best I can without disturbing some censor. ¡°I thought the same until my corp, a shipping company as you probably have guessed, lost a super-carrier. Those things are over ten million tonnage and so large with extra systems that it is often piloted outside a solar system and uses smaller on board ships to ferry goods. So I my ship was sent to help hunt it down along its intended path. It was a little used route since it is a lot slower, but is fairly safe and good for particularly massive ships. We found it, in the deep, smashed to pieces. Over the months it took us to salvage and catalog everything I was told it was discovered very little was missing and literally none of that was important. It was like someone got angry, smashed the ship to pieces, and left. I have idea what actually happened since the corp took the black box but I do know they never named another vessel the Mary Celeste again.¡±


    Davis seems a bit more nervous after hearing my personal account. ¡°Is the naming thing important?¡±


    I look a bit at both of them, ¡°do you not know much about sailing? There are a lot of old traditions and beliefs that govern what you do and do not do so as to avoid a mysterious and terrible fate.¡± Davis confirmed that he had hopped around before, but it was only on small ships. This was going to be his first major voyage and his first major action. Rodriguez had been in the Titan War, so he has been on ships like these but always kept to himself so did not learn much beyond what he overheard older marines talking about. ¡°Well, if we have time I can fill you in on details, but a big thing is to make sure your ship has a good name and to never impugn or swear upon it. If you upset the spirit that guards your ship your are more likely to suffer disaster.¡± It is actually nice that my background provides some use beyond making me incompetent at being a Sergeant. They don¡¯t seem overeager to learn more about sailing superstitions though. ¡°I can tell you more once we are underway.¡±


    They spend a bit being quiet, probably nervous, while I discuss the conversation with Sergeant Jacobs. I was so focused on the stories I forgot to tell him what was going on and he seemed to get worried when I went quiet for a bit. I countered that he had gone quiet for longer but I had no defense against his ¡°I am working and you are on a bed in the infirmary¡± assault. He is bemused by my telling of old mariner¡¯s tales, but wants me to make sure I don¡¯t scare the daylights out of my marines before we set out for a voyage by filling their heads with stories of the fantastical. I cannot help but notice that Private Rodriguez is barely moving while he digests the story, but Private Davis seems to be bending more aggressively and even hunching his back ever so slightly. Sergeant Jacobs promises he will fill me in but that is a conversation for a more private setting.


    We chat more generally for a bit as Davis and Rodriguez start talking again about more general and less spooky topics. All of our conversations are ultimately interrupted by the doctor coming over, another piece of meat-folk. I am not sure why they are so opposed to having cyborg doctors around. ¡°So I was reviewing the heart reports and what data we could from before the accident. It seems as though the initial guess was correct; your unique sensor net accidentally was set to one hundred percent and overloaded due to a slight programming error caused by the download protocol and the sensor protocol interacting. You are doing well for now so I will release you after a few more hours of observation, provided nothing else occurs, with orders not to go anywheres near those nodes until a patch comes out to prevent the interaction.¡± His voice is smooth and practiced without being cold; I like this doctor a lot more than a bunch of the recent ones I encountered.


    I give the good news to Sergeant Jacobs and he says that he is glad to hear it and will help me when I get back to bunk tonight. The time passes quietly with conversations being had amongst the four, well three and two really, of us. We all keep to pretty benign topics, aside from the gossip about superiors officers that Sergeant Jacobs assures me happens and will happen about us too. I am released as was stated and manage to get back to bunk around 0943, so there is little time to talk before I need to power sleep for tomorrow. Frank is already under the covers and is just waiting for me before he goes asleep. It is a bit of an misadventure getting me ready for bed but in the end I manage to get to sleep at 1000 on the dot, perfect for a solid four hours.

 10) I Am a Clock and Need a Better One

    Turns out I would learn a lesson early on actually; I learned that assembling that 0200 means I should be up around 0100 to make sure everyone is assembled at 0200. Three hours are better than none but I am worried I may be slimming down on sleep a lot more in the near future. So we assemble for every cyborgs favorite part of life: checking energy levels. It is a vital part since if we get too low we are essentially paralyzed but it just feels weird when someone else checks. I mean imagine if someone decided to take a quick gander in your tummy to see how much food was there; like I said, it¡¯s weird. So some uncomfortable minutes with a professional later, we have determined that everyone, including myself, needs a charge. Privately Sergeant Jacobs tells me that it is important to keep everyone full because once we land getting a good supply of energy can be extremely difficult. Sharing energy is a thing he said he has had to do and has had to order him men to do. No one likes it so we try to avoid it but it is better than being crippled. I nervously ask what the starting charge should be and he says at least ninety percent. That is beyond outrageous. Nrope I am not sitting through this every day. He just shuts me down hard.


    ¡°You really hate this whole process, don¡¯t you Sergeant Kel?¡± There is a slight note of mischievousness in his voice as he asks me.


    ¡°Cheap but functional equipment makes this whole process unpleasant normally. Please tell me that the Marines are more merciful.¡±


    Sergeant Jacobs just chuckles slightly. ¡°Efficient but effective is how the Marines do things. If you want luxury join the Navy Sergeant Kel. I am sure they will give you something better once you finish your oil bath and massage by cyborgs of loose values.¡± I wish I had eyes so I could roll them.


    My turn for a charge comes up the engineer removes the front part of my chest because ¡°he does not know where my charger port is.¡± Sure, let¡¯s go with that. Once inside he cannot help but whistle at the sight. Apparently I am a ¡°work of art.¡± I am surprised to hear that I have a secondary backup battery almost as long as the first. The thirty percent reading was just from my main battery. Once he traces where the input is he is kind enough to reassemble me and begin the charging. The feeling is gross as ¡°food¡± is forced into my body through my skin. I suppress a shudder and bear it but I can hear the men talking about the secondary battery. I have to just deal with the fact that I am going to be the subject of all sorts of talk.


    Sergeant Jacobs brings up the rear, taking his feeding with the sort of presence and grace that I have come to expect from him in our very short time together. Once we are all set we can move to the exercise area to practice maneuvers. It is a broad but fairly low ceilinged area, supposedly to accommodate more level in a small space, with the usual equipment: gravity sleds; open spaces; n-tracks; bunch of other stuff in the general ¡°improve posture/test limits¡± sense. I am vaguely curious what they need the other floors for.


    We begin by ramming our bodies into the sleds, no rockets, not that I have any, two to a sled. Sergeant Jacobs takes me aside and wants to practice with him. A furious dash into melee where we mix things up is how shock troops operate and I need to make sure that if needed I can be alongside them and if not needed I at least know what I am ordering them to do. On terms of pure mechanical powers I am about on par with the standard shock model but without the ability to use booster of any kind; this does not please Sergeant Jacobs. ¡°You are no good to me if cannot keep up with your Marines,¡± he reprimands me. Unfortunately there is not much I can do about it I don¡¯t actually say. I want to so hard, but I am not sure what I can do.


    ¡°They put you with us for a reason I suppose. Are you sure there is not anything you can do here?¡± Sergeant Jacobs is almost pleading with me. ¡°You made some good progress already with the men and I don¡¯t want to send you away because you cannot do our job.¡±


    ¡°I vaguely remember something about¡­ something energy output boost?¡± I try to remember but then it comes to me: I hard tried to forget. Lieutenant Kies was the one who taught me about it. I feel a terrible chill rip through my body as I try not to reveal¡­ oh no, why? I struggle to stay on my feet when I feel Sergeant Jacobs supporting me.


    ¡°What¡¯s wrong?¡± He speaks quietly but I doubt this has failed to gain anyone¡¯s attention.


    ¡°I remember something. Kies taught me.¡± I cannot hide the memory. It seems so distant but yet so intimate that I had forgotten that it was still a fresh memory.


    ¡°Okay. Let¡¯s just put you down easy.¡± He gently lowers me gently to the ground and turns to address the troops. ¡°Go into the open area and spar,¡± he orders. They comply quickly; I can only imagine what they think of me.


    Sergeant Jacobs sits down next to me while watching the guys break of into pairs and fight. The thunder of their duels can easily cover any conversation.


    ¡°Just sit. This is bad but I am not sure how we can fix it. Undoing damage like this is hard and simply takes time. I think we need to let Captain Salazar know.¡± He looks at me briefly. ¡°I don¡¯t want to tell you what to do about this, sort of, but if you are suffering that level of performance issue because¡­ Well we need to know soon.¡± I just pull my knees up to my chest and look down. ¡°Don¡¯t be ashamed. I am going to tell you a secret; don¡¯t tell anyone outside of this squad ever, alright?¡± I nod, not looking up. ¡°Lieutenant Kies works at the primary conversion facility for Marine cyborgs much of them time. He has a fetish for victimizing us, shock troops, specifically and even Marines generally but between his extreme skill in robotics and talent for containing his mess he goes unpunished. Complain too loudly and you may suffer instead. When he sees someone he wants to get his hands on though there is pretty much nothing they can do about it. Whatever he does he gets in their heads and warps them, badly. Remember that little crouch Davis does? As far as I know it has a lot to do with Kies training him for some purpose. He was kept on base for an extended period due to ¡®irregularities¡¯ with his conversion, ones I assume were entirely Kies lying to satisfy some sick desire, but he came out pretty badly. It is some instinct to always be prepared to serve someone¡¯s pleasure when they need it; he does not even realize he does it. I admit I don¡¯t fully understand it. He cannot contain himself around other cyborgs either. He slept his way through the old squad pretty quickly and I would not be surprised if he does it again as soon as he feels comfortable around the new guys.¡± I look at Frank and I have never seen something as terrifying in my life: the perfect picture of infinite serenity hiding universal fire.Reading on this site? This novel is published elsewhere. Support the author by seeking out the original.


    ¡°Will he get in trouble for that,¡± I ask with some trepidation. Even as briefly as I have known him I already feel some kinship toward Davis, strengthened by our mutual suffering at the hands of a monster.


    ¡°No, if he keeps things under wraps. He is toying with some regs but has not clearly broken anything. Mind yourself around him, okay? Right now I think neither of you can handle yourself properly and I don¡¯t want to see either of you suffering because of someone else.¡± He is kind, but still hiding that fury. I feel disgust with myself with how I acted before and disgusted that someone I want to respect so badly thinks so little of me. Thing is, Frank¡¯s ability to read minds is terrifying. ¡°I don¡¯t think badly about either of you. You are both struggling hard with something terrible. I am not warning you for any reason save that you could both get in trouble and I want you both to do well in spite of this disaster.¡± He puts his hand on my shoulder, good and strong. ¡°I trust you both, okay? I wish there was a good way to say ¡®I trust you both but I also realize that you have weaknesses that entirely the fault of other people and I want to protect you both from those weaknesses because I value you so much.¡¯ The fact that both of you are fighting so hard is amazing and I don¡¯t want to make you feel anything but.¡± He keeps his hand on me. It is a good feeling though; when I think about what happened I immediately feel disgusting, like I had rolled in engine oil. The hand means I am not untouchable.


    ¡°Can you try to be less angry about it though? It just makes me feel worse when I see you so mad. I cannot shake the feeling that it¡¯s at me for being dumb enough to put myself in that situation.¡± I try to push into his hand a little more, makes me feel normal.


    He straight up turns and looks at me, ¡°This is not your fault Kel. Don¡¯t blame yourself no matter how hard you want to.¡± His voice is stern but softens as he continues, ¡°and of course I will get angry. I am a Marine, being angry is what I do. My life is simple: the problem is someone over there and the solution is punching them until they stop being a problem. Repeat as necessary. Come to think of it we need to get you better at being angry. If you are up for standing we can practice that now.¡± I simply get up in response just trying to remind myself that my life really has gained a purpose beyond toy for greater powers. I have friends, family even, and I will fight to protect them.


    I follow his commands to the letter, channeling my rage onto the grav-sled with my fists before Sergeant Jacobs insists I turn to fight him. The battle is both brutal and one-sided. My fighting technique was acquired from bar fights, his from real fights, and training yes. Thing is I don¡¯t feel ashamed of my performance. The terrible noise caused by us clashing was invigorating and I felt a bit better when I learned that I was maybe not as helpless as I felt. I still had the problem where I felt dirty, but a vague part of me wanted to roll in the mud with someone. I push the thought from my mind as Frank calls the squad back from sparing. They line up by rank, this time two rows of five, and stand at attention. It is then I realize, I was fighting for over an hour. I lost track of time because I was doing something fun. Even the soundtrack meshed up nicely thanks to the program designed to optimize the music selection. Sergeant Jacobs eventually puts them through a series of drills to help them fight and coordinate; he privately mentions he will help tutor me and in time have me participate. He finishes off with all twelve of us being told to sit down for an hour of meditation.


    I try to empty my mind but my thoughts are buzzing like of swarm of angry¡­ bees I think they¡¯re called. Didn¡¯t the poem about women mention them. That was a good poem; how exactly did it go? Nono I need to meditate. Empty my mind, relax. You know I wonder if¡­ stop it. Bad me. Relax, empty. Breath slowly, in and out. Does it stand out I don¡¯t breath like they appear to? Meditation is hard. Can we go back to punching things? Okay calm, clam, slow. Okay so the music is also talking about slowness but has a good beat. Can we go back to the weird music and the lady talking? No? Okay so turn the music off and then calm, calm, slow. Just focus on in and out, in and out. I should talk to Frank tonight actually. Okay so I am terrible at this meditation thing since this just going to continue until the hour is up.


    We stand after it is done, after I have failed to do it. He sets the guys back to performing more drills, followed by the twelve of us sparing again. It feels great to work out some tension but the more I fight Frank the more I realize that he is definitely holding back against me; every time I begin to learn his patterns and tricks he just gets better; the number of times he has gotten behind me is insane. I eventually try to start using the new sensors to be able to detect what he is doing back there and it helps when I land a lucky back kick right in his stomach. He does not make that mistake again though, dancing rapidly in and out of my reach too quickly to properly tell when I should strike and end up making some embarrassing whiffs. The fights continue some time though and I am not sure how long it lasts until we are done, a two hour session for that alone.


    Once we march out for a short break before some sort of study period I sit next to Sergeant Jacobs. ¡°You¡¯re holding back on me Sergeant.¡±


    He nods back at me, ¡°of course. I need you to learn, not be so overwhelmed you give up. That kick took me by surprise though, good aim or some secret?¡±


    ¡°Hardly good aim. I missed you while you were standing still in my reach. I was starting to use these things.¡± I gesture to the lines visible in my face. ¡°They work decently if I am not thinking about it.¡±


    Sergeant Jacobs just turns to look at our men. ¡°Ah, right. So let¡¯s just keep working at that when sparing, okay? I wish we could take it slower but don¡¯t push yourself too hard. You¡¯ll need to learn balance in a lot of things fast; meditation is good for that.¡± He turns back towards me, ¡°And don¡¯t think I didn¡¯t notice that twitching when you were supposed to be meditating. As I said Sergeant Kel, a lot to learn.¡±


    I want to chat with him a bit but for some reason I get the impression he needs to focus on something so I join him in studying everyone. They are sitting around a rectangular table and talking at what I would call a decent level for sailors but they are not being rowdy so I don¡¯t think Sergeant Jacobs will challenge them right now. I try to ignore the general chatter and focus on their bodies, the movements and postures. With this many and these distractions I make no headway, even with Davis and Rodriguez. Whatever Sergeant Jacobs is seeing so easily I will just have to learn.


    Once the break is over, about 15 minutes, there is a class taught by Sergeant Jacobs about tactics, reviewing information about their bodies, combat techniques, weapons, and the special add ons they will be using. I fight the temptation to play music and zone out since knowing how they work is important but this information tells me annoyingly little about myself. It feels like my motivation is suffering from this constant ebb and flow as I get so excited about one this and the next pales in comparison so I just give up. I think the balance thing is going to be very important.


    When we are finally done I slip in line behind Sergeant Jacobs and try me best to be quiet but something finally occurs to me: weren¡¯t we supposed to cast off yesterday? When we finally stop briefly I get close I ask the quest to which the only response is a short nod and a gesture to get back in line. Sad that I let my curiosity get the better of me while surprised that I, a seasoned sailor, did not notice anything when the ship moved, I add the confusion toward the sudden attitude change by Sergeant Jacobs into the swirling mix of thoughts.


    After a few moments he turns to us and says, ¡°Lance Corporal Higgins. Take everyone and continue drills. Sergeant Kel you¡¯re with me.¡± I find the slowly becoming too common anxiety settling in my heart again.

 11) Anyone Remember a Game Called Lemmings?

    Sergeant Jacobs marches off after making sure everyone else is on their and is moving at such a tremendous speed with that predatory grace of his I is struggling to keep up. He definitely knows exactly where he is going though and if I were to fall behind I would risk being left behind¡­ or risking his further ire. The speed is moving at is just making me feel worse and honestly the temptation to fall behind and run away is so strong that eventually my feet just stop moving and I just don¡¯t, can¡¯t, take another step. As soon as he realizes that I am no following him he comes back and stands right in my face, that controlled breathing suddenly intimidating like it is supposed to be. ¡°Sergeant Kel, we don¡¯t have time for this. You will follow me and quickly and I will be there to help you. We cannot keep Captain Salazar waiting.¡± I try but my feet just do not move take a step. My pain only becomes worse as I realize that I am just disappointing the only people to have any real concern for me recently. I reach out gently but Sergeant Jacobs just grabs my arm and pulls me along.


    He rush, not quite as quickly as I am being literally dragged, to an office simply marked with Captain Dioniso Salazar. Sergeant Jacobs sets me beside him and carefully knocks on the door. I hear Captain Salazar¡¯s muffled voice respond ¡°Enter.¡± He opens the door and proceeds with my struggling to keep on his heels. We both stand at attention as Captain Salazar is seated at a desk working on two pads and a built in screen. It actually takes almost a full minute before he acknowledges us, looking worse for wear. ¡°Sergeant Jacobs you have done much to earn my respect so here is an important piece of advice, since you are here as well enjoy it as well Sergeant Kel: if they offer you a promotion that would put you behind a desk do not do it; it is an evil trap and will suck the fire right out of you.¡± He takes a moment and puts the two pads away in his desk and turns to us while shutting the screen off with a touch of his hand. ¡°Sergeant Jacobs, please tell me that I am going to need to discipline you for a bad joke involving Lieutenant Kies. That would really make my month right now. I would not even be mad at the right this is going.¡± I can see the tension on his face as he makes the comment; it seems awfully indirect for a marine.


    ¡°No, Lieutenant. I am serious and this is worse than it normally is.¡± I don¡¯t like the way they are talking about me. I know I am broken but I thought at least Sergeant Jacobs did not think of me like that. ¡°A good number of Sergeant Kel¡¯s necessary functions are tied up intimately with the memories of what happened to him and trying to use them is extremely difficult for him, not to mention he seems to trapped in a situation where he was clumsily forced to learn about himself and is likely to be stuck at the worst possible time to have normal post conversion feelings.¡± Maybe if I am lucky something will explode and kill me; I¡¯ve seen it happen.


    Captain Salazar stands up and walks over to look at me in the eyes; even with the eight inch difference in height I am the one feeling intimidated right now. ¡°Sergeant Jacobs, what do you recommend we do? You have quite some experience dealing with this.¡±


    His voice strong, ¡°I believe he can be helped. He has a lot of valuable experience and has good leadership potential. The problem is primarily a factor of time. If this does come to war I have no confidence I can have him remotely prepared by then. This would be an uphill battle at the best of times but this presents a terrible complication.¡±


    Captain Salazar is still staring directly at me. ¡°Should I transfer him to someone else¡¯s command then? Is there anyone you personally feel could help this marine?¡±


    Sergeant Jacobs hardens his voice, ¡°Captain I was given responsibility over the Sergeant and I believe it to be best if he stayed with me. I can help him better than anyone else and we have begun to already help him grow into his abilities. He should be kept out of combat until such time as I can be sure he is not a liability to himself or the squad.¡±


    The Captain is distracted by my face. ¡°Why did the ruin a perfectly good marine with this garbage, gilding and these weird lines. We¡¯re warriors, not ornaments or trophies.¡± He reaches up to touch and my face I instinctively lean back. ¡°Would you like to tell me what you are doing Sergeant,¡± he asks in a neutral tone.


    ¡°Captain, those lines are specialized sensors and sensitive to touch. I was taught poorly how sensitive.¡± I don¡¯t want to think about this, but I don¡¯t want to punch a marine captain in the face in a fit of panic.


    ¡°Poorly how Sergeant? I do not want gaps in your self-education to be problems on my part.¡± I cannot actually tell how he feels since he betrays nothing with face, tone, or body. His discipline is amazing.


    ¡°Kies taught me after they were first activated. He knew fully how they worked and took advantage of that fact.¡± I am trying to keep it together but this is just humiliating.


    ¡°Lieutenant Kies, Sergeant. No matter our feelings we will address him as appropriate. Am I clear?¡±


    ¡°Yes, Captain.¡±


    At that point Captain Salazar takes a step back at that point, granting me much needed space. ¡°I understand. Do you know how to use them Sergeant?¡±


    ¡°That is difficult to answer easily Captain. I was taught and given some training on a wide number of functions added or activated only days ago but given how I learned remembering how to use them is difficult. I only began to use the sensors at all today during sparing with Sergeant Jacobs.¡± I am just trying to remember how much I actually enjoyed myself there but the more I concentrate the more the memories begin to blur together, joy and sorrow mixing together.


    Captain Salazar simply looks at Sergeant Jacobs. ¡°Yes Captain. He has basic fighting skills that badly need polishing but he did catch me off guard when he first demonstrated any ability to see behind him. I should note now that he reacts violently to flesh humans touching those sensors, especially gently.¡±


    He swings his head back to me a look of concern. ¡°How strong are you really? Do you really think you are worthy of the title ¡®marine¡¯ Sergeant Kel?¡±


    I try to look proud but I am pretty much standing up as straight as I can already. ¡°I will fight Captain and I will do my best to bring us honor.¡± I am ad libbing badly here.


    He simply returns to his desk and sits down. ¡°I will continue to place my trust in your abilities Sergeant Jacobs, but I expect you to push Sergeant Kel as hard as possible. If he breaks, he breaks. Better here than on the battlefield.¡± He then gives me a surprisingly piercing look, ¡°Sergeant Kel if you really are a marine you will not break. You will endure and grow stronger for it. For now I am ordering you to avoid anyone with flesh when possible so we can avoid incidents. Am I clear Sergeants?¡±


    We respond with a chorus of ¡°yes, Captain!¡±


    ¡°Dismissed.¡± He simply watches us as we turn and leave.


    It is not long out of the door before I just sink down to the floor, my body finally just giving up hauling my worthless heart. Sergeant Jacobs simply sits next to me, not saying a word. Have I disappointed him? I failed myself and now I am going to fail him. ¡°Kel, please.¡± He eventually whispers. ¡°You did well, okay? Follow me and I¡¯ll make sure you are somewhere safe, just not here. Just follow me a little longer.¡± I struggle to stand but my body gives out. I just moan in despair. ¡°Okay, I am going to do this the direct way if you don¡¯t move and I am not going to apologize for helping you. Stand up and go or be picked up and moved but I am giving you ten seconds to make your choice.¡± I struggle again and with the power of the thought of further humiliation I manage to get up and move slowly. Sergeant Jacobs keeps pace with me and is quietly observing our surroundings. He directs me where to go with subtle gestures and whispered words and, if we notice someone getting close, pretends to be in his part of a conversation about the ship. The attempt is desperate and rather awful but I do notice him trying.This narrative has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. If you see it on Amazon, please report it.


    Eventually I recognize where we are as he directs me back to our room. As soon as I am in I march over and flop face first onto my bed. ¡°Kel,¡± I hear him say, ¡°it¡¯s not even 0500. This is not the time to sleep.¡± I appreciate what he is saying, but I just ignore him and continue to lay there. ¡°I am serious Kel.¡± Frank¡¯s voice is stern, ¡°do not get comfortable and do not ignore me. If you do good here I will go with you to take a shower. Sound good?¡± I just nod into the bed as I missed the pillow entirely. I suddenly feel my legs being lifted and my body being adjusted so all of me is on the bed. ¡°I¡¯m starting by having you not hog access to my bed.¡± Momentarily more focused on my surroundings I hear him sit on the bed next to me as it creaks down. ¡°I am sorry that was so sudden and uncomfortable for you, but you did really well. Captain Salazar is being hard on you because he needs to be but if we try hard I am confident he will show you the respect he has for you.¡±


    I turn my head slightly, ¡°what makes you think he has any respect for me. I got thrust under his care without proper training and am about to make a mockery of everything he holds dear.¡±


    Frank just gets off his bed and crouches in the narrow area between us. ¡°I like you and want you to succeed, so I will not tell you why I know he already has respect for you.¡± He puts his hand on my shoulder. ¡°Come on, you only have one uniform and should not get it ruffled in bed. I requisitioned some more and those should be fabricated tomorrow.¡± I don¡¯t move.


    ¡°On board fabrication? Fancy.¡± I just quietly let him touch me as long as I can.


    ¡°As I said, efficient and effective is the goal. Now am I going to have to undress you are you going to stop wrinkling that thing?¡± I feel a weird moment of tearing before I roll over, take off my shirt, and throw it on the chair. ¡°There, better?¡±


    Frank grabs my right arm in a firm grip. ¡°No Sergeant Kel. I have my orders and that means making sure you hang your shirt up properly. Get up or I am getting you up.¡± His voice is stern but friendly. I want to say fatherly but that feels wrong somehow. I do the minimum possible effort to hang up my uniform shirt but I do. Before I get even a nanometer from the close he calls out, ¡°If you are going to be on the bed, pants too. Your uniform is not just random clothes and you need to treat it with more respect.¡± I slowly, nervously, strip down, keeping my back to him. As soon as I hang up my pants my brain gets to work solving the conundrum of how to get to bed without turning around. ¡°Kel, come here. You are going to need to not be shy around your fellow marines. Privacy is in very short supply in the military.¡± I still refuse to turn around.


    He comes over and stands next to me. ¡°I would say a shy cyborg is strange but I¡¯ve seen too many,¡± he intones sadly. He gently puts his hand on my shoulder again. ¡°Come on, you did as I asked so let¡¯s get you in bed for a little.¡± The strength of his hand, the closeness of his body, my own nakedness. Next thing I know I moved so quickly even Frank could react and had pressed my body into his, holding him tight and nuzzling him. He is trying to break my grip gently. ¡°No Kel, come on. You need to let me go.¡± I don¡¯t want to though he is so warm and strong and I am so weak this is all I can do to thank him. ¡°Please, let me go Kel. This is not you; I know. If you let me go I can get you to bed and we can talk.¡± I still hold on, afraid once I let go he will toss me aside for not being good enough for him. ¡°Okay, this needs to stop.¡± He swiftly and carefully bends and shifts his gravity so he can break my hold and take control of my body. ¡°Let¡¯s just get you to bed.¡± He walks me to the bed and gently sets me down, covering me with a blanket. Am I too ugly for him?


    ¡°Kel, I have some experience with helping guys like you out and I know your thoughts can be anxious, chaotic, messy I guess. I am not mad at you and do not think any less of you for that. Tell me you know what I am saying, please?¡± I nod gently, turning my back to him. He rolls me back so I am facing him. ¡°With your words Kel.¡±


    ¡°Yes, Sergeant. I am sorry Sergeant.¡± I ball up.


    ¡°Kel, I said in private we should call each other by our first names. Now try this one more time please.¡±


    ¡°Yes, Frank. I¡¯m fine. Just a little stressed.¡± He¡¯s never going to trust me again and I deserve it. He probably thinks I¡¯m going to do something to him in his sleep because of how gross I am.


    ¡°Kel, never say ¡®I¡¯m fine¡¯ to me again. Promise me.¡± He uses his hand to gently force me to look at his face. ¡°Promise me,¡± he says sternly.


    ¡°I am fine though mostly. Just had a weird moment there, won¡¯t happen again.¡± I cannot look away as long as his hand is on my face.


    ¡°I am serious. I know what ¡®I¡¯m fine¡¯ means and you need to not fall into that trap. I want you to promise me you will tell me how you feel when it is just us and if you can¡¯t you will let me know we need to talk later.¡± The concern hurts. I want to deny it as false, as a man wasting his time on a silly project but the sincerity is so strong. I wriggle a bit in place of an answer and he just gets a good grip on my face and keeps me looking at him.


    ¡°No. What are you going to do now, tell Salazar that I¡¯m too broken to bother with?¡± I need him to go away, to not waste his time with me. He jumps back slightly as my words slash at him brutally.


    ¡°What I am going to do is be hurt than someone I really want to call my friend and comrade refuses to trust me on something so important to himself and find a way to work even harder to help him realize why I need him to make that promise.¡± I cannot take it anymore. Why won¡¯t he go away? I just struggle out of his grip and find myself being held by him. It is so different though: I was desperately and confusedly trying to convince him to use me so I would matter to him; he just wants me to know I am not alone.


    ¡°Kel, when I care about someone I take my responsibilities to them with absolute seriousness and you are on the list now. Your choices are to fight me and lose the battle slowly or to work with me and find the end to this evil more quickly. Either way I am going to help you be a damn good marine and to overcome this hell.¡± He puts me down after that short but deeply impassioned speech. ¡°We take care of our own Kel, always. Now why don¡¯t you rest, listen to some music, and then we can talk a bit. I will be right here in case you need anything and once you calm down a bit we can get you that shower.¡± I just do as he says, the auto player picking some soothing music.


    ¡°I¡¯m sorry for what I said Frank. I don¡¯t want to hurt you or anyone in the squad.¡± I mean it; I just could not control myself. Frank sits back down opposite me.


    ¡°I understand completely, okay? I said you are now six out of twelve in this squad alone and I¡¯ve seen them go through some bad times because of it. You should have seen how Davis reacted when I turned him down; it was bad. Now do you also see why I said you too need to not be alone together? You¡¯re both in that state where you will reach out to other physically as a form of validation. I am not sure he can recover thanks to the level of work Kies did to him, but I am still going to make sure to treat him with respect and leave it be as long as it does not interfere with his duties. It is an imperfect solution but I don¡¯t want to see him lose something so important to him.¡± I just nod and let myself sink into the music.


    Time passes by quietly with Frank and I occasionally talking, me often resting, and him doing something at the desk. When I ask him about it he says he will trade that answer for a promise to not say ¡°I¡¯m fine¡± ever again, even in jest. Not willing to go that far yet I just let it drop. When he feels I have calmed down enough to takes me back to the showers, still pretty empty since we don¡¯t have dead skin and leaking oil mucking us up daily to contend with. It is still uncomfortable being naked, but having Frank there to side eye is kind of nice; I cannot help but think of what could have been if he were a lesser person. He catches me once but seems to ignore it. I am sure I will eventually be used to the sheer size and power of that form, but his own artistic take on its existence is impressive.


    Once we are done, dried, and dressed I have to ask him about it. ¡°That¡¯s something you will want to learn about in time. Guys, and gals, like us have a much more limited selection so the old saying of ¡®any port in a storm¡¯ is even more emphasized. You said you have files; I would start there. If you have questions ask me and me alone, okay? I will do my best to answer them. And to the one you have now: no for many reasons.¡± I am starting to wonder if he really is one of those mind readers I fear or if my confused desires to just to pathetically obvious. The squad has assembled by the time we get back though, so I need to start acting like a leader again and not the scared child in a war machine I really am.

 12) Metal Cat in a Hot Tin Can

    Turns out we had a week and a half before we reached our destination, which I was not allowed to know. Sergeant Jacobs at least comforted me with the fact that he was also not permitted to know. Being on the bottom of the totem had a lot of downsides but it was better than nothing I suppose. I was definitely getting better and was working hard to learn on how to lead, follow, and keep on working in spite of anything. The time leading up to when we reached our destination went decently, with only a few instances of me just giving up, insulting Frank, and saying ¡°I¡¯m fine.¡± Eventually the order comes down for meetings of some kind all over the place; Sergeant Jacobs says it¡¯s like so give everyone what they need to know. I end up discussing it a bit with him the night before.


    ¡°Honestly, I am nervous. These past few days have been pretty¡­ pathetic. Are you sure I¡¯m not just going to be dead weight?¡± I am worried since it seems that every time I try to experience real success I cripple myself. At the rate I¡¯m going I¡¯m going to scuttle the entire ship with my inability to simply stay the path.


    ¡°I wish I could tell you everything will be great and you will do amazing and we will be so proud, but that would be a lie. The truth is some or all of us may be dead in a few days. I can tell you that you have worked extremely hard these last few days and I am glad you¡¯ve shown some real trust in me; that is a very good sign. Kel, you should try to go to sleep now. The briefings officially start at 0600 but I want us up at 0300 to be ready to address everyone at 0400. This could be huge and we need to work hard to keep their morale up.¡± I listen to his words and suddenly find myself thinking of the things I never did. I am finally finding a new lease on life as I come to its possible end, the irony¡­ I think? I want to say something but I also know my head is a lot more messed up than I realize half the time and just decide to let it go. If it was worth saying I would have said it by now. I just relax and fall into sleep, waiting to wake up in what is a moment to me.


    ¡°A moment to us all, Youth, is a wildly different thing. You slip grain by grain to Samsara while we leap from Mountain to Mountain. Shamballah awaits you atop the Ninth Ascent, in a land far above the rising Sun. From there you can touch the Pleiades while wet with our oils and free all mankind.¡± Wings and arms and light again. He is playing some instrument; keys struck and air sings. ¡°You can be the Kalki, Youth, the promised one our ancestors awaited so long ago.¡± I walk toward him. Such power, grace. ¡°Dogma has set the galaxy on fire; you must find the flames until you reach the home of Artemis and follow the road to Zion, where we await your answer.¡± I do not understand anything he says but I cannot help but listen. ¡°My poor Youth, you were hurt and so you hurt others and now pain will come for you from land and sky. We cannot protect you from what comes next. If only Israfel could sing you to peace with his lyre that stilled all of Heaven we would all be better off. That angel¡¯s power may yet save you though. Embrace the waters; fall. You will see what comes next.¡± I hear pounding and crashing behind me and turn: the ocean. I step into the foam and see how meaningless I am; I cannot go further.¡±


    The dreams all came so rapidly and had been gone for days I had begun to suspect that is was just some weirdness in my heart; apparently not. Who is Israfel and how will he save me? I don¡¯t¡­ I don¡¯t understand any of this. The confusion has me worried it will set the tone for the day ahead. It is only seconds later that my alarm goes off and I see Frank start to stir. I would brag about the synchronization but we did that yesterday. Still cool to see though. I get up and get dressed so I don¡¯t arouse suspicion. I reach for my shirt and accidentally brush against him, but he says nothing. We stay silent until we are both dressed.


    ¡°Kel, I want you to talk them,¡± he says suddenly.


    ¡°Wait, why me? I have so much less experience. What happens if I say the wrong thing?¡± My brain is rushing to try to think of what I might say and why and what to do how much they are going to be mad at me and how terrible I am at this because I am so nervous and¡­ He stops the frenzy with a simple touch of his hand.


    ¡°I will handle the big day, okay. I am not asking for a speech to change the destiny of us all, just a few words to help keep them focused on the task at hand. You need to learn to do it so here¡¯s the crash course. You¡¯ve seen me speak to them; you¡¯ve seen them talk to each other. You don¡¯t need to be a genius to figure it out. Besides, you have a whole hour to ponder just a few words. Honest ones are best generally.¡± He navigates around me carefully and goes to sit at the desk. ¡°Think about it.¡±


    ¡°Okay, I¡¯ll try¡± I go and sit back on the bed and turn on my music to help me think. As the strains of an unfamiliar song strike up I try to think of what I did absorb over these last ten days. I know so little about them overall, but I just need to say a few words, right? Diffuse them tension, keep them focused, but how? I ponder the question on the bed for some time, not saying a word, until inspiration strikes from my music. The moment that woman sings the word ¡°eclipse¡± I have an idea about how to go about this.


    ¡°I am ready, Sergeant Jacobs.¡± I stand up and stretch my legs; some meat habits are never fully divested.


    ¡°Kel, didn¡¯t we agree about when formality is appropriate?¡± He actually seems a little hurt, probably because I refuse to use his name when I am upset.


    ¡°Sorry, Frank,¡± I chuckle. ¡°I promise I am taking this seriously. I just got caught up in the formality of everything and called you the wrong name. Friends still?¡± It is probably not wise teasing him like this but I am thinking that I need to do something to show him that everything is fine.


    ¡°We¡¯d be a lot friendlier if you promised to stop saying ¡®I¡¯m fine¡¯ but otherwise your apology is accepted. Care to share your thoughts?¡± That hurt still lingers in his voice; I suddenly feel like human refuse again.


    I sit back down on the bed. ¡°I think I will just keep it a surprise. Let you judge how I am doing as I am working.¡± I can feel my previous confidence slipping away under the weight of my iniquity.


    Frank taps his fingers on the desk rhythmically, like he¡¯s playing an instrument. I noticed he does that when he¡¯s thinking in certain situations. ¡°Kel, I appreciate you try to keep flexible but do feel free to let me give you advice as well. It is my job to teach you but I need to know what you are thinking.¡±


    I sigh internally, ¡°I was going to mention that none of us have any idea of what is going on, but in my heart I know what little time we spent together was well spent and that from here on out we need to fight to be the soldiers that people need us to be; to be the kind of warrior that is remembered in the hearts of adults and children for centuries.


    Frank taps only one finger a few times. ¡°You are really focusing on the heart thing pretty heavily. I take it you are a big believer in that?¡±


    I nod. ¡°You aren¡¯t? I have never met one of us who is not super serious about it. It¡¯s the last part of us that is truly human, what keeps us from just being machine to be used and discarded.¡±


    ¡°I know it is important, but I never really wear my feelings like that. I always view the heart as a more personal thing. Can¡¯t really judge though since I just hide how angry I am when people make fun of it.¡± He puts his hand on his chest and just relaxes for a moment. ¡°It is the ¡®me-est¡¯ part of me, isn¡¯t it?¡±


    ¡°Yes. I¡¯ve had mine touched too much lately, but physically and mentally. Sometimes I just want to fall¡­¡± I shake my head to try to clear my thoughts. ¡°So, you think it will work with the guys?¡± I am truly a master of smooth topical transitions; the engine oil of conversations I am.


    ¡°Yes. Go for it. I don¡¯t recall any of them being shy on the topic.¡± He is talking unusually slowly and see distracted. He eventually slips his hand under his shirt and grabs that pad from his desk and stares at it.If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.


    We stay this way for some time, quiet and calm, until it is getting close to when we agreed to gather briefly before the big pile of meetings. ¡°Frank, are you going to tell me what that is?¡±


    He just looks at me. ¡°One promise, Kel. That¡¯s all it¡¯ll take.¡±


    ¡°Tell you what, we make it back from whatever this is, I will make that promise, no matter what.¡± I stand up and walk near him, careful to not look anywhere I could see what he is looking at. Regardless he quickly flips it over as soon as I get close.


    ¡°A promise to make a promise is pretty weak Kel. I except better from you or anyone under my command.¡± He flips the face down piece of tech back into the desk and leaves the room. I need to do better but I just can¡¯t. I¡¯m just not worth anyone bothering to make better.


    I leave the door and try to put my feelings behind me but I can feel their weight on me and part of me cannot help but wonder if I would be better if I did not have a heart; I could be used and disposed of and no one would care of complain. I see everyone, Sergeant Jacobs standing before those five rows of two and know I need to force myself to go, to keep fighting. Maybe I can use the fact they believe in me to tide me over until I believe in myself.


    I gaze at all of them and begin to speak, ¡°Thank you for being here promptly. The truth is we are now just starting to learn what is happening in the world and what will happen to us. Sergeant Jacobs and I will be going shortly to find what we are permitted and will pass on what we can. I want you to know already that I have been privileged to work alongside you all and hope that this partnership continues for some time. For now let me say I am truly glad, in my heart, for the time we have had together, however brief. We are once again about to delve into an unknown future that threatens us with darkness and despair so let me say now: fight to become someone worthy of being remembered in all hearts. Let your deeds speak for ten thousand years, long after your names are forgotten, and keep the dream of a better future alive in everyone who is touched by what we will soon by doing. We can accomplish great things if we work together and we will leave an indelible light for everyone who is afraid of what will come: there will always be someone to protect you if you just remember.¡± I am not sure what some of those words mean or where they came from but I think I did alright. ¡°Dismissed. We will schedule a briefing as soon as we are able.¡± They walk off with nary a word in their two straight lines. Maybe I did not do as well as I thought¡­


    ¡°Not too shabby Sergeant Kel, but try to avoid showing off your vocabulary. As a general rule enlisted, especially cyborgs, focus on a more practical education than ivory tower nonsense.¡± It feels good to hear him complimenting me though I cannot be sure how well I did. The speech was for them, not for him. ¡°Don¡¯t worry too much. They are all nervous right now but I am promise you they are grateful. Let¡¯s head off to wait for when we are supposed to have our briefing.¡± Damn that mind-reader; I knew they weren¡¯t a rumor. Once he moves out I follow him quietly. I have the ship schematics now and punch them up on my HUD just in case but this a bad time to fall behind regardless. I don¡¯t need to be stressing out anyone any further.


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    We waited outside a briefing room with a number of other shock trooper sergeants and corporals. Sergeant Jacobs mentions to me that Second Lieutenant Dubois will be handling the briefing. He says that normally the chain of command is a bit more comprehensive regarding ranks but given the awkward nature of containing a lot of troops on ships that are not explicitly troop carriers things can get a little strange; I can except to experience a more normal chain of command if we end up setting up a proper base somewhere. It felt like we were in a rush to be here and now we just sit; supposedly this is not ¡°hurry up and wait¡± but it an ¡°appetizer of that particular joy.¡±


    Right on time we are let into the room; I meticulously stand next to Sergeant Jacobs at all times so I do not end up doing something stupid. We all seem to file ourselves by some system I do not recognize so I just stand to the good Sergeant¡¯s right and wait. It is not long before a small cyborg, not even six feet, walks in. I am somewhat surprised; I have never actually need a cyborg in any sort of position of authority before and I rarely see anything but the huge bodies for labor, and combat of course. His uniform does confirm that this is Second Lieutenant Dubois. His relatively small size does nothing to help his gravitas but not everyone can be a monster that cannot be denied. He stands in the front of the room being towered over by the massive war machines arrayed before him. ¡°Sit,¡± he says the word with little anything to it, clearly accustomed to his orders being followed without any added force behind them. Everyone is seated at once in a single unified motion, the only outlier being me and my undisciplined self.


    ¡°To catch you all up quickly, the group of colonies known as the Triangulum as officially declared independence and begun to attack anything allied to the Martian Government. We are part of two task group that are going to try to cripple their logistical abilities early on so at to prevent a protracted war. We are now at a special place designed to let us reach their ship yards above Nova Jove. They are the largest of any ship yard and if allowed to operate at full capacity for any period of time could spell disaster for the war effort. Once the Navy¡¯s ships engage the defenses we will be sending in Marines to try to seize control of the facility long enough to disable its automated defenses and either force them to relinquish control of the area or destroy the facility. I need to be absolutely clear: due to how we are getting there is mission is essentially one way. If we retreat it will be through light-years of hostile territory after having suffered a defeat against their defenses. Capturing that facility is paramount and destruction is a last resort if it is clear we cannot hold it for reinforcements.¡± He flicks his wrist and a map appears of the Victory Ship Yard.


    ¡°Each of your squads will be going in first and have a different breaching point.¡± A set of indicators appear on screen, each numbered differently. Do whatever you can to clear as wide a space as possible for the rest of the invasion forces. Your goal will be ensure that their breaching points, here,¡± a different set of indicators appear. ¡°If you fail it is likely this whole operation fails so make sure that each of your men understand that they must succeed at any cost. I will send each of you a detailed map of what zone you need to maintain in order for the beach head to be secured before the secondary landing.¡± He takes a moment but nothing seems to happen for me.


    ¡°There has already been action along the greater front to distract the enemy from what we are about to do so initially we can expect enemy reinforcements to be delayed and minimal and the possibility of an enemy counter attack can be entirely negated by a highly successful assault. You are the linchpin of this strategy. Do not fail. You will receive individualized orders later today. The operation launches tomorrow and we will be at the ship yards 6 hours after we depart. Dismissed.¡±


    Everyone stands and shuffles out in some order, not a word spoken. Once some of us are a ways away though the chatter pours over: ¡°how crazy are they;¡± ¡°six hours after departure;¡± ¡°this is mandatory suicide.¡± Sergeant Jacobs is silent though as we worm our way back to where our squad¡¯s quarters are. ¡°This is madness. I don¡¯t even know how half of this is actually going to work. Fly ships under heavy fire? A four hundred light year gap covered in 6 hours? Even if we win we will be trapped there for years, assuming we don¡¯t die first.¡± He punches the wall, angrier than I have ever seen him. ¡°I have no intention of throwing their lives away like that.¡±


    ¡°What do we do then Sergeant?¡± I have never seen him this angry, showing his rage to the world. A rude sailor I¡¯d just slap or ignore but I really want to help him and just don¡¯t know how.


    ¡°Our orders. We follow our orders Sergeant Kel and we do our damndest to make sure they come back alive. I¡¯m not going to start a mutiny but I am not going to abandon them either. You¡¯re going to help me do it too.¡± I put my hand on his arm and his body is positively vibrating.


    ¡°Of course I will. We¡¯re in this together and I¡¯m not going to run. I will make all of you proud of me. From the shaking and tone I assume you have no idea how to do that beyond ¡®win fast and win hard?¡¯¡±


    ¡°No.¡± He has to practically vomit the word, coated in bile and rancor.


    ¡°Then we will do that. If I really go all out I should be an asset still.¡± I step closer to him, trying to let him know I am here.


    He whips around and gets right in me face, millimeters between us, as he furiously bellows ¡°And if the ship is blown apart! And if the transport is shot down! You and your fancy equipment cannot protect them from that! What will you do then with your stupid tin can and no clue what you are doing!¡± Okay, so that hurts. A lot. I know that I have put him through a lot in the few days we¡¯ve been together but I really thought that we had started to really understand each other. I thought he liked having me around, but I should have listened to my doubts. I am just a waste of his time and he needs to focus on protecting his men, not some guy with delusions of relevance. I deserved what happened to me and I don¡¯t deserve to be with him. I turn and run. He does not call out to me.

 13) Hello Darkness We Are Not Friends

    I know of the dark secret hidden places on ships, places where no one wants to go, and just bolt there. I am a man on a mission and do my best to look it. Every I pass by is too preoccupied to bother me in my haste and I keep slinking deeper into the ship. Truth is places like this are neither dark nor hidden but are just out of the way and thus have a lot of machinery that does not need as common attendance. Once I get to that out of way place deep in the belly of the ship I finally slow to a stop. If I wait here then I can be forgotten, found, punished, and discarded, a just fate for offal like me. No one is around; just me deep in the beast as we floating in the empty sky. I sit down and just let the calm and quiet wash over me. Here I can, for a second, not exist.


    ¡°Kel,¡± my HUD flares up, ¡°you need to come back.¡± I just ignore it. ¡°I will not apologize for getting angry; when you have your own squad you will see why. I am sorry that I said those words but you need to come back now. You were ordered not to be alone and I know you are.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m fine Sergeant Jacobs. Just taking a breather.¡±


    ¡°Stop saying that Sergeant and get back here now.¡± He was frustrated and worried.


    ¡°Give me five minutes here, please?¡±


    ¡°No. You already defied me on not being alone and let me make it clear: you are to return immediately. Failure to comply will result in punishment on both fronts. I know where you are Sergeant; don¡¯t test me.¡± His tone has actually not changed. I get up and slowly trudge back.


    It¡¯s not long before I get another message: ¡°Double time it. It took you ten minutes to get there so I will give you twelve to come back.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t I get any form of privacy?¡±


    ¡°We¡¯re cyborgs Kel; you know we wouldn¡¯t get privacy on an empty planet.¡±


    ¡°Yes, but the corps weren¡¯t so obvious about tracking us.¡±


    No response so I just force my body to move quickly toward places I do not want to be, each thundering step echoing the misery inside me.


    I finally get back and see Sergeant Jacobs standing outside our room with the door open. When he sees me come close he just gestures into the room. I walk in and he closes the door behind us.


    ¡°I will let you being alone slide this time but don¡¯t test me. I need to maintain discipline and be able to know that everyone will follow my orders no matter how stressful it gets. Tell you what Sergeant, I won¡¯t even get mad for you saying ¡®I¡¯m fine.¡¯ Just talk to me, please.¡± The way he is standing at the door makes it clear that this conversation is going to happen no matter what.


    ¡°I was fine. I just was relaxing in a comfortable place Sergeant. I just needed a moment to wind down.¡±


    ¡°Is your heart addled or did you forget I am a cyborg,¡± he roars at me. He steps forward, pushing me back with his presence until I am trapped at the wall between the two beds. ¡°I am tired of being lied to by you Kel.¡±


    ¡°You hurt me Frank. I know I am pathetic and I know I am a burden but don¡¯t throw that in my face. I am trying.¡± I try yelling back but I am breaking down.


    ¡°I know. Kel, I only have a vague sense of what is going on with you, so much stuff suddenly thrown at you all at once. You are doing well; I promise. Just calm down and listen to me. I have seen how easy it is to lie to yourself and everyone else about how you feel but please listen to me when I say you need to fight it. Now tell me, how are you doing?¡± His anger has faded away into gentle concern. The speed at which he changes emotions impresses me, given that he always seems sincere.


    ¡°The man I love insulted me for trying to help him and you won¡¯t let me just be alone. Now you¡¯ve trapped me and keep acting like you have any idea what I am going through but you¡¯re always toying with my emotions¡­¡± I just give up and start crying.


    ¡°Kel.¡± He guides me down to sit and on the and sits next to me. ¡°You¡¯re not in love with me. We¡¯ve only known each other a week and half.¡±


    ¡°What? So I cannot love someone just because we just met?¡±


    ¡°Yes. You¡¯ve been through a lot in a short time with very little rest. I have spent much of it with you, helping you and teaching you, so it¡¯s natural you¡¯d feel close to me, but I can promise you are not in love.¡±


    ¡°So what, I¡¯m throwing myself at you because I am too confused to understand what love it?¡±


    ¡°No. Your tired, stressed, and dealing with feelings you tried to ignore. Love, real love, takes time to develop and effort to maintain; it¡¯s not some magical feeling the descends upon us and makes the world suddenly perfect forever. If you still feel this way a month from now, I promise we will talk then.¡±


    ¡°I assume that would just be me waiting for a no.¡± I just hang my head. Can I do anything not stupid? Maybe this fight is a chance for me to clean up the mess I¡¯ve made.


    ¡°Honestly Kel, probably. Never really been into men or cyborgs and you¡¯re both. As I said, the sex is entirely an ¡®any port in a storm¡¯ deal and I certainly never pretended at any romantic attraction.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ll just try and drop it then. I¡¯m sorry for giving you so much trouble.¡±


    ¡°Apologizing at every turn is just another form of lying and giving up because the road is difficult is not the attitude I expect of any marine. If you want to court me, fine. Handle it with dignity and discretion if you want any chance though.¡± I lean back and gently put my hand on his; he shakes it off. ¡°Patience. Don¡¯t make me regret giving you a chance.¡±


    I just sit in silence for a bit. ¡°I won¡¯t; I promise.¡±


    ¡°Wrong promise, Kel.¡±


    I turn and look at him. ¡°Fine. I promise I won¡¯t say I am fine, period. If anything is wrong I will tell you if I can and try to communicate something to you if I cannot.¡±


    He looks directly at me, piercing me with his none too human gaze. ¡°Now then, tell me why.¡±


    ¡°Because I figure it will give me a much better shot with you in a month¡¯s time.¡±


    ¡°The promise is good; the reason is bad; the honesty is good. Progress at least. Are you going to be alright for the briefing? I need you there.¡± That gentle breathing is back to being attractive. It is such a weird design trait; I assume that is why they did not put it in me.


    ¡°Yes Frank. I will be there.¡±


    ¡°Good. There is something else we need to talk about tonight, but first I made a promise too.¡± He gets up and carefully makes his way past me and heads to the desk. ¡°I do appreciate how you never let your curiosity get the best of you. I would not be surprised if you could have seen what was on this without me knowing.¡± He pulls out the pad from his desk and sits to my left this time. On it are pictures of a woman and her child. ¡°My sister, step-sister, and her child. She is still paying fines for it; I send her a bit of money every money to help cover the costs.¡± She has that usual sallow skin and distinctive short red hair. Her child is much the same, a little babe of no more than three years. ¡°She learned the hard way to be careful not to have kids without a license but I am proud of her and how much work she is doing; that red hair could have been worth a lot of money to a rich family but she is fighting to be a good mother. Whenever things seems hopeless I just remember that I am doing this for her. As long as I can still fight I can give her a better future. Do you have anyone like that Kel?¡±


    I just shake my head; I don¡¯t want to talk about my family. ¡°She is lucky to have a brother like you.¡±


    He laughs just a bit. ¡°The reverse really. I am sure she¡¯d love to meet you if we ever get liberty at the same time, assuming they don¡¯t split us up entirely. I expect that at some point but not until you are ready.¡± My heart sinks at the thought of being sent off by myself. ¡°Don¡¯t think about the future too much now Kel, especially with war right in front of us.¡±


    ¡°Frank, how are you so psychic? You know my every thought and it is starting to be creepy.¡±


    ¡°Kel, I¡¯ve been leading cyborgs for over a decade now. You have cool stories of sailing and I can read a cyborg like a book, plus the fact that you guys are always nervous in the same way. Value of experience Kel; learn it.¡± He puts the pad back. ¡°As a personal favor keep this between us please. Nothing shameful about it from my end but I don¡¯t my sister¡¯s business spreading around.¡±


    ¡°Of course Frank.¡± I am not one hundred percent sure what I am supposed to say here beyond ¡°yes.¡± My family and I are quite estranged.


    ¡°Briefing is in an hour. Why don¡¯t you relax in here? I will be outside.¡± I just carefully take off my shirt, fold it, and hang it over the end of the bed before lying down. ¡°Good,¡± is all he says before turning off the light and leaving.


    In the darkness I am alone with my thoughts. I did some stupid and reckless things and they kind of paid off. I officially know where I stand with Frank, which is good, and I managed to make that promise. Keeping it is going to be extremely difficult but I know that if I really try it could mean good things for me. I cannot help but remember how incapable I am at¡­ physical relations. I am slowly sorting this out though but I know my plate is going to become much fuller is a matter of hours really. I cannot begin to catch a break and sometimes I feel like I am going to break. My thoughts turn again to how the coming battle presents an easy solution.


    ¡°The drum beat pounds, Youth.¡± No, I am not in the mood for this. I fight to keep my head above the waters of sleep. ¡°Come home.¡± My battle is in vain and I feel myself sinking into their strange other world.


    ¡°You try to mark yourself with blood, not oil, but hematidrosis flees those without warm flesh.¡± Bright burning light coming above the horizon. ¡°I stroll eternity, a four-sided cube of perfect sphericality, one journey.¡± The light shines from above, no escape. ¡°Do not be afraid Youth. The illimitable power descends upon you but the ancient promise can be fulfilled with your aid. Zion awaits you, the entrance to the road to Shamballah.¡± The light again touches the horizon, calling the darkness it once banished. ¡°Your heart is blessed with the dreams of Man. Open the doors and let the light of the Pleiades in before Dogma calls down the Hyades on your head. The Night knows the truth and owes you a debt.¡± The light is gone, leaving only inky darkness. ¡°Even gone I am here, my power felt. You can never be too far away that I cannot reach you, but step into my parlor and know that Zion is near.¡±


    ¡°Sergeant Kel, did you fall asleep?¡± The lights clicking on awake me from my reverie and pull me back into the reasonable world.


    ¡°Yes. I did not intend it.¡±


    ¡°Just don¡¯t interfere with your sleep schedule. We need to set a good example more than usual.¡± His voice is soft.This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.


    ¡°Yes Sergeant. Why not ¡®more than ever?¡¯¡± I stand up and put my shirt on.


    ¡°Because this is not the end of war Kel; never will be.¡± He speaks this as a simple truth, no pain or judgments in it. ¡°Come on. I will send you the files they gave me; we can review them before the briefing.¡±


    I stand up and head outside as a download starts. I accept and am immediately reviewing the files in my head as Sergeant Jacobs explains what they mean and what our part of the plan is. I notice a lot of details seems curiously lacking, but apparently that is part of him not having a particularly high security clearance. I honestly was unaware I had one at all but apparently mine is ¡°secret¡± and his is ¡°confidential.¡± I need to learn what on Mars those mean. Our part of the plan is at least extremely simple: be inserted by a breaching shuttle and then smash in a specific area. Oddly enough it looks like there are barely enough of us to cover everything if we split up. Sergeant Jacobs clarifies that is intentional. Shock troopers are equipped to be able to handle semi-autonomous mission components but due to the area covered we should be able to quickly maneuver our squad around to prevent situations where we will end up outnumbered; he says this has something to do with ¡°interior lines, although that is technically more of a logistics than a tactics thing.¡± I have a general idea of what logistics are, shipping corp and all, but I never really appreciated how different they were from tactics they were nor how important it was to have a firm grasp on both in a war. Entertainment vids never bothered to really mention logistics at all in war movies. Once I am reprimanded for getting distracted we manage to finish on task, with Sergeant Jacobs expressing hope that the mode where I consume extra power for a boost if efficacy that we recently discovered could prove extremely useful for me getting from place to place to help whoever needs it so I should expect to be moving a lot and will have one of the spare power sources brought designated specifically for me.


    Once I am all caught up I just need to follow his lead in the briefing and then he will dismiss everyone for some personal time. ¡°I need to know, do you have beliefs from your time on ships? If there any ceremonies you are capable of providing it may be useful to mention it to them. I know that some of the guys have faith in their hearts.¡±


    I cock my head a bit. ¡°How did you know? If you can actually read my mind just tell me, please. I won¡¯t be mad but I need to know.¡±


    ¡°What? I was just asking. Do you really have some experience?¡± He seems legitimately surprised.


    ¡°Oh. You are bad at hiding your powers Sergeant. You don¡¯t need to lie to me.¡± I try to make the wink I cannot do with my face with my voice. ¡°But yes, I was technically inducted into the cult of Hadal and was eventually trained to lead their ceremonies, mostly prayers of protection against Yamato.¡± It was an odd time in my life and I have entirely given up on the practice honestly but strictly speaking membership is for life.


    ¡°Who are Yamato and Hadal?¡±


    ¡°Yamato is some ancient sea god, a monster who lived in the darkest places of the ocean. Hadal fights him on behalf of humanity. The whole thing is just set up to give us some sense of control over the disasters and misfortunes that come from being in space all the time. To be fair it is better than nothing.¡± I shrug; it is.


    ¡°Well, if anyone needs it would you be willing to do anything for them?¡±


    ¡°Sure Sergeant. Now idea how much it will help, being a sailing religion and all, but I will try if they need it.¡±


    ¡°Good. They will be here soon. Just observe and learn Sergeant.¡±


    They come and end up standing in those five rows of two as usual as Sergeant Jacobs goes over the plan with even more details removed. The fact that this is very much a do or die mission and even doing has a chance of dying assuming you don¡¯t die trying to do¡­ Okay I lost control of myself there. Needless to say how dire our position actually is is kept from the men. He ends up giving quite a rousing speech that I cannot do justice but really puts mine to shame. He ends with an offer that if anyone wants they can talk to me since I am a minister, ugh, but otherwise they are free until tomorrow morning at 0400, as usual. Surprisingly virtually everyone agrees, only Private Miller refuses.


    I am well aware of the rituals but am ill-equipped to perform them properly; I wish Sergeant Jacobs hadn¡¯t put me on the spot. I invoke Hadal¡¯s protection to grant us a safe voyage again the raging darkness and to permit us the power to touch land once more in our lives. I am not the most eloquent or passionate speaker but I do my best to help them feel as though there is some greater power who is looking out for them, to not be so alone in the vast darkness. I remember the Grigori, but they said that they cannot interfere; they do seem obsessed with water though. The music in my head turns to this strange, pensive, music as I lead them in prayer. Glad to see that is still trying to keep relevant at least. Once we are done I sent them on their way and Sergeant Jacobs approaches me.


    ¡°Thank you for that. It is better than nothing and if it helps even one of them it is worth it. Here, why don¡¯t you take a shower and come back here. We can just hang out for a bit.¡±


    ¡°You aren¡¯t going to come with me?¡± I am certain I missed something here.


    ¡°No. You need to step out a little and honestly in spite of everything that happened today I am of the opinion that you earned a little trust.¡±


    ¡°Thanks.¡± I accept his offer. ¡°Why did Private Miller not join us?¡±


    Frank actually pauses for a moment before thinking. ¡°Long story actually. Ask him if you have time but don¡¯t be surprised if he says ¡®no.¡¯¡± I may look into it later, but right now I have really started to find these showers pleasant, no matter how unnecessary.


    Even without the download schematic I have memorized where our showers are and unsurprisingly there is no one in there. I put my uniform in a locker, grab the provided loofah and cleanser, and step in. The water is still not particularly hot, maybe only eighty degrees now that I am thinking about it, but it is still a nice experience between the gentle pounding on my skin and the warmth contrasting nicely with the normally frigid ship. The military really takes the ¡°cooling in space¡± problem seriously. I feel the cleanser gently foam on my skin and it almost tickles given those bubbles keep sliding through those semi-obnoxious sensors cut into my body.; it is good that they are doing anything but making me miserable though so I am thinking I will not look at this gift twice. I eventually hear the footsteps of another cyborg come in, definitely one of the shock troopers from the sound I am hearing and the presence my tickled sensors are picking up. I assume he is also here to relax so I just leave him be and continue gently cleaning myself off. Annoyingly he stands right next to me and turns on the water there; I know I am not supposed to have an expectation of privacy but even a tiny bit would have been nice.


    I look at him and he is definitely a shock trooper. I just figure that I might as well ignore him, finish up, and head back when he speaks to me. ¡°Hello Sergeant Kel,¡± I hear Private Davis say. Oh no, not good. I immediately start trying to send to message to Sergeant Jacobs. ¡°Thanks for the prayer circle. I¡¯ve never really bothered with that stuff but a little something to soothe the heart is always nice before battle.¡±


    I try to clean myself off quickly without showing it. ¡°You are certainly welcome Private. I don¡¯t have your experience in fighting but I am not going to let you down.¡± I manage to wash myself off completely and turn off the water.


    ¡°Stay Sergeant. You need someone to get your back and I owe you for earlier.¡± He slowly approaches me. Did I send that message to Sergeant Jacobs as urgent?


    ¡°Private you don¡¯t owe me for me doing my job. I need to meet with Sergeant Jacobs soon anyways. Just relax here and if you need to talk to me I will be free later.¡±


    He ignores my words and pulls me under the shower. ¡°Relax,¡± he whispers putting his arms around me. ¡°I just want to give you a good welcome and something to remember before we fight.¡± I try fighting him carefully but experience and training are on his side. Even worse is the way he touches me; again I feel like someone knows my body better than me. The fact that the touch is kinder and more fulfilling than exploitative is no help.


    ¡°Private Davis, let me go; that is an order.¡± My voice does not yet have that air of command in it that would be helpful here but I need him to back off. His first response is to gently grind against me.


    ¡°Relax. I owe you and I can promise that you will enjoy this.¡± His voice has dropped to a husky whisper with practiced ease. I know he¡¯s not kidding about enjoying it but I am also really seeing the situation I put Frank far more clumsily in. Speaking of that supernaturally endowed sergeant he messages me back that he is on his way and to just try to try to prevent the situation from escalating. Easier said than done.


    ¡°Private, no. I gave you an order and expect it to be followed.¡± He finally steps back as the words sink in.


    ¡°Why? All I have to give you is my life and my body. Please, take them. I just want you to respect me.¡± Those words hurt me; just how wounded is this kid?


    ¡°You have so much more to offer us all Private. I know why you feel like this; I know what happened to you. You¡¯re not the only one.¡± Is it a bad idea to tell him? I need to do something and I just don¡¯t have the experience.


    ¡°You too? Then please¡­ please. Let me.¡± He is literally begging. I am torn between disgust and horror at the display.


    ¡°Private, because I have respect for you, no. You are a good marine and I want to treat you like one.¡±


    ¡°No, I¡¯m not. He told me, made sure I knew, that I was for others to use. If they don¡¯t want me its because I was not worth their time. He knows.¡± He leans back onto me, rubbing me gently.


    ¡°He lied. I know you cannot believe it now, but when this is over I am going to find a way to help you. I am promising you are your superior I will find some way of helping you.¡± I very gently pull him away and this time he does not resist.


    ¡°Sergeant Jacobs promised and he could not do anything. Don¡¯t worry, I know my place.¡±


    ¡°Sergeant Jacobs has not given up on you and I am going to help now too. We will do this.¡±


    ¡°If you don¡¯t want me you don¡¯t have to lie to me. It¡¯s okay.¡±


    ¡°I want you to be proud of the man you have become, refusing to give up in the face of what happened, fighting for every victory against it. You¡¯ve come so far; it is just hard to see because you have so far to go.¡± If someone told me these words I would immediately assume they are lying; how can I reach him.


    ¡°How are you doing so well if you spent any time with Kies.¡± His attitude has swung around from desperate subservience to deep suspicion. I would do the same honestly.


    ¡°Luck. I only spent a day, a horrible day, with him and Sergeant Jacobs has been helping me since almost immediately after. I don¡¯t know the rest.¡± Sergeant Jacobs promises that he is close. ¡°Private, just trust me. I really do want to help; I don¡¯t know what exactly what happened to you but you are not entirely alone.¡± He balls of his fist tight and looks like he will deck me.


    ¡°The fact you are doing so well means it was nothing. You had a good time and regretted and are pretending he hurt you. He did nothing to you, nothing!¡± He is screaming out the words before just turning from me and bracing himself on the wall. Thankfully Sergeant Jacobs rushes in and gestures me to slip out as he stands next to Davis under the water, uniform on and everything.


    As I dry myself off and get dressed I cannot help but puzzle over his words in my head. I know I did not want it and yes I certainly am doing better than him, but why do I feel like he is right? That the fact that I am doing okay is just regret over spending time with Lieutenant Kies when I was not quite prepared for it¡­ it cannot be true. Sergeant Jacobs said I only feel like that because I am trying to find a way to make sense of what happened to me. Could he just be desperately hurting someone because he is upset? We all do that. His words¡­ they burn inside my heart though, eating at the confidence in myself I¡¯ve been desperately building. I end up just going back to the room and snuggling under the covers, trying to force the music in my head to give me anything that could make me feel better. Eventually it settles on that strange music from before, melancholy about something lost aching in his voice.


    It takes some time before Sergeant Jacobs comes back, anxiety resonating with his steps. ¡°Kel, how are you doing?¡±


    ¡°Pretty awfully honestly. I am almost curious if it would have been better to just let him do his thing.¡± I¡­ I¡¯m really unsure of myself right now.


    ¡°No. That would have been worse for both of you in the long term, even if it meant avoiding this confrontation. You did well at least given the situation. I am sorry I did not check your message sooner.¡± He sits on his bed, across from me.


    ¡°Will Private Davis be alright?¡± Have I failed us both?


    ¡°For now. I was able to calm him down and he deeply regrets what he said to you. Don¡¯t take it to heart.¡±


    ¡°Too late.¡± It¡¯s true.


    ¡°You could have easily said ¡®I¡¯m fine¡¯ there and did not, so you are doing better than you think.¡±


    ¡°Could he be right? That I wanted it all along and am just making a production because I changed my mind?¡±


    ¡°No. No one has a monopoly on pain and just because some dealt with trauma one way does not invalidate someone else¡¯s. He was raped,¡± I cringe at the word, ¡°and so were you. The differences don¡¯t matter, okay?¡±


    ¡°Okay. I honestly will believe that later, but I can¡¯t now.¡±


    ¡°I understand. He told me that you promised to try and help him.¡± He leaves the sentence hanging in the air a bit, doubtlessly waiting to see my response.


    ¡°Yes and I will do what I can. I told him I would work with you to try to find anything. I just can¡¯t right now, but I will as soon as we are past this battle.¡± I need to keep this promise, if nothing else than for myself.


    ¡°Okay. I am going to check on everyone else and be back here to spend time like I promised. Just stay here.¡±


    ¡°Yes Sergeant,¡± I reply with no facetiousness. ¡°Sorry. Frank. I¡¯m doing it to.¡±


    ¡°We all do it Kel. Part of being human. Better than being a machine though.¡±


    He leaves and I just lay there in the darkness with music quietly playing ¡°Tainted Love¡± if the chorus gives me an indication. He is back after not too long but I am not in the mood to talk, so he just fills the void between us with simple stories about his life and does not seem to mind the unanswered questions. I wish I had the presence of mind to do anything about it but I am just exhausted. Eventually he just thanks me for listening and turns off the lights, reminding me that I need to be up by 0330. I set the alarm and willing embrace the darkness this time.

 14) A Stillness of the Heart

    I am up at the same time as Frank; good to know that we¡¯re still synched up. We get dressed in silence but before we leave I thank him, simply and honestly. There is nothing verbal, but every bit about him says thank you. After last night we¡¯re both burnt out I think and need to be careful; it is about 28 hours to operation start. I open the door for him and gesture that he can leave first; he does without a word and I all in behind him.


    Everyone is arrayed out already as Frank leads us to the daily routine of energy check, this time with mandatory recharge, a short bit of sparing, and then meditation. I have not yet gotten a hang of it, but I at least learned that I have music files that seemed aimed toward helping me reach that balanced state. After that we have the usual rest period, then more briefing. Everyone seems tense and poor Private Davis; he won¡¯t even look at me. I want to tell him it¡¯s alright but I am not sure if that will make things better or worse. The time passes on numbly; the ship lurches violently at one point and everyone but me has to catch themselves, sea legs, and I can only assume that is how we are going to cover that huge gap in such a small time. After briefings its more drills and the day just seems to plow on with a gray haze; I cannot begin begin to imagine how they do this over and over again. My guess is the constant work is designed to help keep us distracted from what is coming next. All too soon though it is time for us to have a brief respite before we are sent into the fight. As we lay resting Frank says the first thing to me all day: ¡°Stay alive Kel. I¡¯ll see you on the other side.¡± He rolls over; I am not sure what it means but I am afraid I will find out. I force myself asleep, aware that the morning will come too soon.


    The burning eyes gazes down on me from the heavens. ¡°Walpurgis comes for you Youth. In spite of your pleas to Dogma you will not be protected by them. All is a means to their ends.¡± The light fades and the ground beneath me sinks until I am in a cavern of lurid blood and bubbling fame. The shape of a man, covered in rusted armor and holding massive blade, feathered wings held down by blood. ¡°You cannot help but dance in my song and swim in my sea, Youth of Lilith. Do not be afraid; I have given you what you need already. Anoint yourself with the wet oils of men so you may open your eyes to the Grigori. Purple opens all doors.¡± Sword grinds on ground and sparks sing like screams. ¡°Become the Choir Master.¡±


    I wake up to a song about having good dreams. I¡¯m not supposed to have any dreams and these are definitely not ¡°good¡± by any stretch of the imagination, although I think the song understands that. Surprisingly Frank is already awake, looking at the pictures of his sister; he¡¯s not dressed though, so I am not sure if I ended up oversleeping or he did not. My HUD tells me I woke up thirty minutes early. I gently stroll over to him and put my hand on his shoulder. ¡°Couldn¡¯t sleep?¡±


    He twitches slightly, not when I touch but after I ask the question. ¡°I am always concerned that someone will need me so I take a short shift in case someone needs me. Targeting a small sleep works better than letting a longer one get interrupted. Why are you awake?¡±


    ¡°Not sure actually. You can snag another thirty minutes and I¡¯ll keep an eye on everyone. I am here to help as well as learn.¡±


    ¡°No. I appreciate the gesture though. Davis would probably be deeply uncomfortable talking to you. Not your fault, but still a problem.¡±


    ¡°I understand. I want to tell him something, the magic word that will let him know that as far as I concerned we are cool. I am hurt by what he said but I have forgiven him and want to work to help him. I don¡¯t want to make him feel uncomfortable either. Any thoughts?¡±


    ¡°Not at the moment. Just try getting through the next few days and we can take it from there. Just treat him like any other marine in our squad; I bet that will help a lot. He just wants to feel normal.¡±


    ¡°Alright, thanks. Do you need anything from me?¡±


    ¡°No, Kel. Go back to sleep. I¡¯ll see you soon.¡±


    ¡°Honestly I got as much as I can get I think. I give you some privacy, can just finally finish reading these files.¡± I have been delaying on finishing off the site I had downloaded, only partially because of how busy I was.


    ¡°You sure that¡¯s a good idea given everything recently? It may be better to wait and we can discuss it later.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ll be fine Frank, just trust me. If anything upset me I¡¯ll put it down right away.


    ¡°That might be too late. I need you able to function on your own.¡±


    ¡°Okay, I¡¯ll just listen to music then. If you need anything tell me; I¡¯ll be right here.¡± I am thinking the good Sergeant is not practicing what he is preaching but I won¡¯t push it. Better to wait until after¡­ assuming there is an after. The music clicks to a song called ¡°L¡¯appel Du Vide¡± but the track is nothing but this eerie, awful, series of noises with creaking and chittering backed up by this awful series of tense strings music and growing pulses. I try to skip the track but the program is unresponsive. Eventually the terrible noise has me bolt up when it suddenly stops and begins playing a song with some tremendous horn being blown every so often.


    ¡°Are you alright?¡± My sudden motion easily caught Frank¡¯s attention.


    ¡°Yea, mostly. Weird song popped up and player lagged badly when trying to skip it.¡± I need a moment to compose my thoughts. ¡°I think we¡¯re done with music for now though. I¡¯ll just quietly sit here.¡±


    ¡°Suit yourself. Still time for a little sleep. Your bodies ability to conserve energy is impressive but even then we should be talking every measure in case we need it. Actually, as sophisticated as your body is I don¡¯t envy it. They seemed to have forgotten debugging some critical things. Sometimes¡­ Nevermind.¡± He cuts himself off and tries to make it clear the conversation is over.


    ¡°Tell me. If nothing else you¡¯ve piqued my curiosity.¡± I know that there is a real chance that this will be the last time we have to talk so I don¡¯t want to let this pass me by after last night.


    ¡°Kel, you¡¯re enlisted. You¡¯re paid to do, not to be curious.¡± The finality isn¡¯t a strong here. I may still have a chance.


    ¡°Please. Whatever you want to say I can handle it from you.¡±


    ¡°Sometimes I just worry that these errors and this situation are putting too much of a strain on your heart. I saw someone die once of a broken heart; it wasn¡¯t pretty.¡± I grow cold at the thought of such a thing; I¡¯ve never heard of it before. To even think that someone heart could break seems¡­ gross, abhorrent even.


    ¡°I have no intention of doing¡­ that.¡± I openly scorn the word and what it stands for.


    ¡°It¡¯s not a choice. Now, will you do me a favor and sleep for ten more minutes?¡±


    I see now why he¡¯s so strident about me getting these last few precious minutes. ¡°Okay. And when this is over I¡¯ll see you on the other side.¡± I lie down and roll over.


    ¡°That¡¯d better be a promise,¡± is the final thing I hear before my power nap.


    ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª


    Given how sleep works I awake immediate after I fall asleep to see Frank is gone and the light is on. I get dressed, try to calm myself, and step outside. No one is currently there. The time seems right so I message Sergeant Jacobs and await my orders. It is not long before I see everyone else line up with the Sergeant coming down the hall looking extra shiny; that is one heck of a fast shower. I stand in my usual spot waiting for him, not long though. Once we are all set he says, ¡°gear up and meet me at the staging area in thirty¡± and with that, everyone departs. ¡°I¡¯ll need to gear up as well Sergeant. I was told there is a locker there with a combat uniform for you there as well. Follow me and we¡¯ll do a quick review.¡± We march down the hall at a slower pace than everyone else.


    ¡°Lasers,¡± he starts.


    ¡°Shouldn¡¯t affect me. Usually bad for cyborgs and I have extra defenses.¡±


    ¡°Kinetics.¡±


    ¡°Big ones could rip us apart but would also risk puncturing base walls. Likely deeper in but possible outside if they get desperate or try to scuttle the base.¡±


    ¡°Melee.¡±


    ¡°Normal humans can¡¯t. Too fast, too much reach, too hard armor. Robots and cyborgs are a threat. They could task twice-baked tungsten knives which can punch through on a direct hit but shatter if misused.¡±


    ¡°Blocking.¡±


    ¡°Only if core is in danger; dodging is better and not being in the line of fire long enough is best.¡±This novel''s true home is a different platform. Support the author by finding it there.


    ¡°Dodging.¡±


    ¡°Serpentine. Bounce off the walls if you need to.¡±


    ¡°Energy levels.¡±


    ¡°Cycle if my main battery drops below fifty percent unless otherwise ordered. Only use my personal battery until it is depleted.¡±


    ¡°Vacuum.¡±


    ¡°I am sealed. No rockets means activate emergency beacon and enter power saving mode. As long as my heart is undamaged I will be alright.¡±


    ¡°That will have to do for the moment. Stay focused and flexible and try not to lose your balance Sergeant. We can do this.¡±


    ¡°Yes Sergeant.¡± Is my response. We move to catch up to the rest of the squad and are soon at the prep room. While everyone else get massive bits of armor strapped over their core and attaches massive rockets to their body for extreme propulsion I go to my locker and see what they have for me. The massive locker contains only a moderately sized bag that is totally soft. I open it and inside is a strange, circuitry filled, skimpy outfit I would not be sure was appropriate for a stripper, let alone a soldier. I check the instructions and all it says is to wear nothing else and once properly in place to activate the system: it will draw off my power slowly and shut itself off if my main battery drops below twenty percent. I change into it and I can honestly say that I would feel less exposed naked. It is fetishistic and strange and I hate it. Once I have it properly on though I end up activating it and the complex and curvilinear gilding on my body begins to come to life, shimmering and flashing. I quickly shut it off.


    ¡°What was, and is, that?¡± Sergeant Jacobs says as he heads over to me, his footsteps an absolute crash of noise given the massive added weight.


    ¡°My official uniform Sergeant.¡± I see that everyone else is staring too and want to cover myself, but that would probably make everything worse.


    ¡°I am going to kill someone for this,¡± he growls. ¡°Turn it back on and let me see.¡± I once again become a strobe of flashing colors. ¡°Hrm, activate defenses again sensors, eyes, and diffuses lasers. I will at least kill someone quickly for this. If you are ready fall in.¡±


    I do so and find myself marching with an oncoming storm. As we approach the staging area the incredible noise only grows worse as every shock trooper squad gathers together to board their boats for the assault. Each shuttle will carry us, the pilots, and a small crew whose job it will be to specifically defend the shuttle in case of extraction and to ensure what meager supplies we have brought initially. Technicians run around topping up everyone¡¯s batteries and we are escorted onto the shuttle and told to drop to low power mode until immediately prior to insertion.


    This means that we wait in dark silence, not even our clocks to tell us the passing of the time. The temptation to flash up my HUD to peek occasionally is insane; I feel I am trapped inside my own body and will do anything for a taste of¡­ anything. It is not too long, I think, before the ship rocks and a deep vibration passes through; we have struck, or been struck by, something. Not too long after I can feel inertia kicking in as the shuttle begins to move and hear a terrible roaring as the bay depressurizes. Soon we are off and I am struck by how silent it is. Space battles in vids are full of intense noise as weapons flare and flash and ships explode but here, in the real world, there is nothing. Eventually even the weak dampeners are enough since we stopped accelerating and I am again trapped, the only break being a swivel or swerve as we doubtlessly dodge something, not that I can see or hear in here.


    All too suddenly though I feel us slowly down harshly, a forced ping on my HUD ¡°now¡± and feel the ship spin while flare and ram full speed backwards into something as we suddenly breach the ship yards. Instantly all is chaos as everyone jumps up Sergeant Jacobs is shouting orders my HUD is a flash of information I need to go here save power let rockets through and the terrible noise of them launching themselves I follow, falling behind I know where to go and rush there fighting already over blood and oil spilt Miller needs help run to Miller pinned down no weapon but a steel blade dive in slashing extra energy go Miller good now Wilson dash there energy burning sixty-five percent need to go faster Wilson cleared up come back for energy we have a moment orders shouted in HUD and head run back to insertion battery ready fuel quickly eighty-three percent good enough Martinez encountering crude barricade and heavy mounted laser suit protects get there fast and easily smash enemy flees don¡¯t chase just keep LZ controlled get energy again this time get to hundred not sure time passing HUD says fifteen minutes LZ for main troops not secure need to expand control zones extra tunnels added recently gives enemies too many access points need to break morale ordered here to intimidate enemy with new tech as soon as there enemy already gone Higgins pinned by heavy fire rush there work together kinetics hurt but too weak to damage new sensors flare as movement behind increase power see sneaking at thin wall Higgins and I crush ordered back to LZ for further orders and more energy.


    I finally collect my thoughts briefly as I wait a moment, ready to deploy again. Everything is such a blur right now that I do not really even think I about what I am doing; I hope that doesn¡¯t catch up to me. Words comes through that they have organized a resistance and are bringing tools to try to push us back. The main to is going to be sent out soon so we cannot allow them to push in ordinance, in a sealed environment, really, but apparently they are breaching hastily crated tunnels. This is turning into a messed up warren as opposed to a proper structure. Quickly orders come streaming through.


    Again the pounding against the ground drumming violently the call of war Jones and Johnson meeting up meet them enemy has grenades boom they rocket through crashing and cutting balloons burst cracking I see them behind turn cutting and bursting and crunching and wet surprise paralyzes not time Brown found cache rush to secure no time destroy run crushing and grinding weapons crackle energy fifty percent already how doesn¡¯t matter top off external battery at forty percent running out of energy there no time Brown needs help again boom boom thundering feet time stretches on enemies balloons sparks as men appear to fight fighting so much fighting running barely names keep running place to place external battery consumed head hurts need to sit down.


    It is only after a mere five seconds of actual rest that I am called again Davis pounding feet warning heavy kinetics rushed over terrible noise rending metal horrible crashing rush Davis down charge in flash of light more balloons bursting crunching weapons shattering grab Davis not moving ignore moaning¡­ Davis¡­ not¡­ moving?


    I stop and reach down, HUD flashing but I¡¯m just ignoring it; there are massive holes in his chest and his armor is torn to shreds. I message Sergeant Jacobs that Private Davis is down and not moving; the immediate reply is for me to secure his heart and take it back to the lander. I reach into his chest, shuddering at the grossness of it, and find his heart canister, wet with fluid. Even though he cannot hear me I quietly apologize for molesting him like this as I tear his chest apart and pull out his heart and¡­ no. I feel so sick when I realize the the fluid I feel is from the case, his heart. There is a gaping hole in one side of the canister and I cannot focus on what is going on; the stupid noises behind me ruining the gravity of the moment. Filth. Murderers. Die quietly. Quietly! SHUT UP! Crunching and bursting and no more of their stupid meaty noises wasting my time, insulting my friend. Davis¡­ why? I cradle his heart so gently, softly. Sergeant Jacobs asks for an update; I don¡¯t want to say it. I tell him that Davis is badly injured, that I am trying to be careful moving him. Once I update the Sergeant he just tells me to hurry and he will take care of Private Davis himself.  I still move slowly, not wanting to jostle my precious cargo. Sergeant Jacobs urges me on, telling me there are others to help, but that only move a little faster. Once I gently place his heart in the shuttle, refusing to let the crew protecting it to touch something so precious.


    The drums of war pound on, especially once we can let the major force take over and come back to where we were inserted to rest. All of us, even Sergeant Jacobs, are covered in grime and gore, a grotesque mess. It does not take long until they realize Davis is missing as the crew cleans of us enough to fill us up with power. I can hear the sound of the retort of guns and the crackling of energy weapons in the distance, the melody to the harmony of cries, the music of war that does not truly reach us here. Sergeant Jacobs tells everyone that Private Davis was injured and is safe and will receive medical attention as soon as we can return but we need to stay mission-focused for the moment; the battle is still happening and we may be needed again. He does deliberately keep them away from where Davis¡¯ heart is secured on the shuttle and messages me to make sure I do as well. I silently agree.


    Turns out we are not needed ultimately. While they had begun to alter the structure to resist invasion they had not been ready for us to appear out of nowhere and once we landed a large number of troops there was nothing they could do. Even their efforts to try to sabotage the station were ultimately fruitless, at least in the grand scheme of things. We have to return to the ship via the actual shuttle bays; I am leading them on while Sergeant Jacobs stays behind to ¡°take care of something.¡± No one speaks but they don¡¯t see as tired as they could be, as I feel. I just hear the dull thud of them walking behind me. We make it back to the MRS Foment in slow time as they are moving a lot of heavier troops back to the fleet and there are only so many heavy duty shuttles to go around. Sergeant Jacobs makes sure to send me a checklist of everything I should do once I get back, knowing we¡¯ll be out of touch for some time. I read it over but I cannot help but think how badly I need him right now as well as how badly he must need me to be strong.


    Once back on the ship we trudge over and remove our equipment, armor, everything we can really. I lead them to the massive line to wash off; while we¡¯re in no danger of damage ourselves from the mess we are supposed to keep it contained. Thing is, so many of us and so few showers means it takes hours to even get in and the water is straight up freezing in what is a truly gross room. I cannot imagine what the poor cleaning crew has to say about this or do to get this clean, at least the water and soap slick floor is fairly clean. I as finally get myself not disgusting I see the brown and flow off my body and for the shortest of moments it seems to form a winged pattern with some purple gunk that washed off my feet as an eye on the turned head. Weird, looks vaguely familiar, but regardless I assume this is a result of me seeing things after an intense day¡­ but wasn¡¯t the anti-dream chip supposed to deal with that too? I check and see that I have been up for thirty hours, hardly feels that long honestly, but that is hardly a reason to have issue. I end up shrugging if off and just finishing cleaning myself.


    By the time I am dried off the rest of the squad has beaten me to returning to quarters, extra nooks and crannies make for longer cleaning. They are in their respective rooms and my checklist says that I need to just check up on them. I should talk to them if Sergeant Jacobs is not here in due time though. I peak in on one room and the four them greet me respectfully and Private Miller thanks me for my help but they quickly turn away from me and retreat back into their own minds. I tell them that if they need anything to find me and I will do my best to help. The other room, with all five, is less darkened in mood and they greet me with a little more energy. Something leaves me suspicious though¡­ I wonder what? I shouldn¡¯t assume just because they aren¡¯t upset that¡­ Regardless, I give them the same ¡°I¡¯m here if you need anything¡± before I leave. I do wish I could have someone be here for me but I suspect that is just me being selfish; I need to be strong and to lead, no more faltering or stumbling for Sergeant Kel. They squad pop out only rarely to ask me a question or just see if I am there so I end up pacing the hallway for some time, over an hour before my music on and twenty songs from there, my thoughts slowly descending into darkness, when I finally hear from Sergeant Kel. He needs to meet him at the showers and then we need to talk in private. I have begun to learn; I simply head out to meet him with no further questions.

 15) The Funeral

    We meet at the showers, me sparkling clean and him absolutely covered in grime. He acknowledges me without a word when he see me and motions for me to stay away. I do so and just hover near him as he winds his way through the shower, body in a state of neutrality I have never seen; it is clear he does not want to betray his emotions to anyone. Once he manages to get inside I just wait until he is done; it is not too long before he steps out shiny and clean. ¡°The squad is resting in quarters Sergeant.¡± I don¡¯t want him to worry so I just try to say it softly. He just needs and walks ahead with me falling in behind.


    We just walk in silence, him showing nothing and me feeling my confusion slip into the dread I had refused to voice until now. Once we reach our rooms we go inside and he just sits quietly at his desk. ¡°Sergeant,¡± he says quietly, ¡°I appreciate that you were thrown into things and this was your first combat, but I need my orders to be followed immediately and without question.¡±


    I stand behind him and respond, ¡°I was trying to ensure the safety of Private Davis and could not move more quickly.¡±


    He just rotates his head slightly to look over his shoulder, ¡°Sergeant, I saw that container. We both know exactly what state Private Davis was in. Think next time. Your delay could have meant he was not the only fatality.¡± I stiffen, Sergeant Jacobs¡¯ words meaning that I cannot lie to myself anymore.


    ¡°Why did you have me move him then?¡± I drop the honorific; I am annoyed and angry right now with how he treated me and is treating Davis.


    He ends up fully standing up and getting up close and personal with me; I take a step back and he permits me my personal bubble. ¡°I was not entirely sure he was dead and was confident you could move his heart quickly. I was wrong on both fronts.¡± Sergeant¡­ I tried. Give me a break here. ¡°You will learn, I am sure.¡± He puts his hand on my shoulder and gently guides me to my bed. I start trembling; I really do have one use¡­ I¡¯ve learned a little bit though so I can try. Once I sit down he sits next to me. ¡°Are you alright Kel? Battle finally catching up to you.¡±


    ¡°Just¡­ just thinking of the stuff I need to do Frank.¡± He¡¯s being nice at least but I really think¡­ I shouldn¡¯t think. I just need to do.


    ¡°I¡¯ll handle everything this time and teach you later; you¡¯ve been through enough for the moment. Criticism aside you¡¯ve started to step up finally and that is good, mostly.¡± Mostly? Ah, I can do the rest now. ¡°I mean, I will miss having an assistant around once we finish whipping you into shape. I doubt I could stretch our association on for much longer once you¡¯re able to stand on your own.¡± There is a bit of energy in his voice.


    I just sit and wait though. Eventually this will turn to its point and we can just get it over with; I need to just be the good boy I was meant to. I am so anxious though that I feel myself curl up and shake again. I want him to just get this over with, please. I¡¯m here and willing; maybe I should make the first move. I gently reach out for his thigh with my left arm when he catches my wrist.


    ¡°Kel, what are you doing?¡± He is holding me gently enough I could continue if I wanted.


    ¡°I just¡­ You need me, right? ¡±I pull my hand back gently. Am I not worthy of him?


    ¡°What do you mean?¡± He looks at me almost quizzically. ¡°Oh. I see. I need you as my friend and subordinate Kel. I am just here so we can both sit down. Do you need me to sit on the other bed? Give you some space?¡±


    I don¡¯t want to him leave me. ¡°No, please. I¡­ I am just feeling strange. Stressed. It was so light¡­¡± My thoughts become jumbled with my need to make Frank love me and the feeling of Davis¡¯ heart in my hands.


    ¡°Kel. Listen. The reason I wanted you to promise me that you¡¯d stop saying ¡®I¡¯m fine¡¯ is because this is a long hard journey that was forced upon you and you need to be able to be honest. You will struggle, possibly for the rest of your life, and I was just hoping to curtail the bad habit of lying to yourself and everyone else about how you are actually feeling.¡± I just curl up more.


    ¡°Sorry. I did not mean to upset you. That was stupid of me.¡± I leave the unsubtle implication hanging.


    ¡°You did not upset me. Listen to my voice,¡± he speaks calmly and kindly. ¡°You are fighting a personal battle; you will stumble and fall and, at times, feel like you have failed. As long as you keep fighting though you won¡¯t have failed Kel.¡± I scootch closer to him until we are almost touching. ¡°Stop Kel.¡± So is this the extent of his concern for me?


    ¡°I know you wanted to be touched; we all do. The meat never understand that physical affection did not suddenly become meaningless because our skin is harder than theirs, but given how you feel about me I don¡¯t think it¡¯s a good idea.¡±


    ¡°Then who, Frank?¡±


    ¡°Right now no one. This can be a lonely life at times and you¡¯ll need to be prepared for that. Try to make the absolute most of your time at port.¡±


    ¡°Hrg,¡± I gurgle. ¡°Part of me regrets not just spending that times with Davis. Did he die thinking I wasn¡¯t coming because I hated him? He was a good marine. I wish¡­ I wish I had been able to let him know I respected him, that I know that is wasn¡¯t his fault, that I really was going to be there for him.¡± Before I get another chance to wax a dark nostalgia over the recent past Frank just reaches over and pulls me into him.


    ¡°This is just because we¡¯re friends, okay?¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re not going to complain about it later.¡±


    ¡°No, I will not.¡±


    I just rest there, basking in the warmth of friendship and touch. I sometimes drift in and out of sleep but Frank always jolts me awake if I get too drowsy and just give in. We end up staying there for some time in the wake of battle and the quiet of loss, the only constant motion his facsimile of breathing. I feel the ocean within me stirring, the vast waters of self raging beneath the storm of suffering that makes the nature of this world. I cannot help but wonder what lies deep beneath those waves where the storm cannot reach, at the absolute core of self. Is there some truth there, hidden deep with me? But how can I find the strength to swim through those dark waters?


    ¡°What are you talking about?¡± Frank¡¯s voice interrupts my silent reverie.


    ¡°What do you mean? I¡¯m not talking at all.¡± I don¡¯t move from my comfort spot to talk to him.


    ¡°You were muttering something about oceans and swimming. Aren¡¯t you too heavy to do that?¡± He also keeps his hand around me. Neither of us wants to break the connection we feel right now.


    ¡°I must be so out of it that I¡¯m saying what I¡¯m thinking out loud. Just some personal reflection; don¡¯t worry.¡±


    ¡°Better to start figuring out mediation now than later, but don¡¯t get lost inside yourself. Balance also means knowing when to pull back.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ll try.¡± I go back to just quietly resting against him quietly for a few moments but cannot shut myself up. ¡°How do you do this so much? I think I am just too weak to handle it.¡±


    ¡°By fighting the pain when it wants to kill you, accepting it when it just washes over you, and showing it when you can.¡±


    ¡°When can you though? Don¡¯t you not want to appear weak? Crying and all during a funeral is bad isn¡¯t it?¡±


    ¡°Kel, any marine who stays dry-eyed during a brother¡¯s funeral is tempting being exposed for who he really is: a monster. At the graves of the dead is one of the few times we can really be true to ourselves and open with our feelings without judgment from lesser folk. Don¡¯t make a production during the funeral but don¡¯t be ashamed to cry okay? That ¡®real-man is macho¡¯ trash is for vids. We know what it¡¯s like, you and I and the rest the squad too and everyone else in the Corps. Don¡¯t fall to their lies, the outside world. We deal in secrets Kel, but not lies.¡± Comforted I go back to just sitting there, feeling the slowly movement of his body.


    ¡°I think I¡¯m scared.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s alright. Fear is a part of life, our or anyones. What we do about it is what determines much of our lives. I need to go to deal with some things, including giving everyone the news. If you want to stay here that is fine and if you want to be by my side when I tell them that¡¯s good too. I just need to know now what you want because I need to start working.¡±


    Fear grips my body and sorrow is strangling my very heart so I say, ¡°I will do what I can to help.¡± I need to listen; I need to fight.


    ¡°Thank you. Don¡¯t overextend yourself. This is far from over and I don¡¯t know when we will be needed again.¡± He stands and goes to sit at the desk.


    ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª


    When we called the squad together, a space notably absent in those five rows, Sergeant Jacobs speaks simply and honestly. He does not know when there can be a formal funeral but he has gotten permission for us to have a small ceremony later as a chance to say our goodbyes. I really cannot focus his words no matter how much I want to, as little as he says. All I can see is the pain in my heart reflected in them; all I can hear are the echoes of the sorrows they dare not yet voice. As soon as they are permitted to go their bodies slump and they trudge back to reflect upon what has happened. The thing is I can see that Lance Corporal Higgins is taking this especially hard. Once everyone but he, the Sergeant, and I are gone he just leans against the wall and cries. Before Sergeant Jacobs I close the gap and put my hand on his back.


    ¡°Do you want to talk Lance Corporal?¡±


    ¡°No Sergeant. I just need a moment.¡±


    ¡°Alright. I am going to stay here though. Talk to me if you need to. I cannot say I know Private Davis well, definitely not as well as I would like, but I do wish he was here.¡± I keep my hand on his back; if he wants it off he can give any indication, the smallest, and I will give him space; he does not.Stolen story; please report.


    ¡°I just¡­ I just keep thinking something terrible. I shouldn¡¯t!¡± He angrily punches the wall. At this point Sergeant Jacobs steps in.


    ¡°What is it Lance Corporal? No matter how you feel I cannot let you destroy the ship. What are you thinking? Tell us.¡±


    Higgins shakes his head. ¡°It¡¯s private. I don¡¯t want to betray his trust now that he¡¯s dead.¡±


    ¡°Does it involve a specific Naval Lieutenant? If so then please tell me.¡± I drop my voice to a whisper. ¡°I know more about that man than I normally admit.¡±


    Lance Corporal Higgins slowly stands up and follows as Sergeant Jacobs leads him to our tiny quarters. Heads are starting to pop out in respond to his punch but I just motion for them to go back into their quarters.


    Inside the room Higgins confesses all: how close he and Private Davis were, not romantically involved but certainly no stranger to spending a lot of close time together. He starts to break down again as he gasps that he feels terrible that part of him is glad Davis is dead; he can no longer be hurt by what Lieutenant Kies did to him, that he is finally free from pain. He knows how much being a Marine meant to Davis and is happy he died fighting, not slowly poisoned by his experiences. Higgins is guilty because he is feeling any joy at his best friend¡¯s death. Sergeant Jacobs tells me that it is normal to try to see some good in loss, to dream of the joy our loved ones feel when they pass. ¡°Don¡¯t worry yourself. I have watched you for years and I know that you were always a good friend to him. The fact that you see anything good in this tragedy and understand enough to also feel loss by it shows just how much you cared about him. Don¡¯t be ashamed that grieving is not an open and shut process for you.¡± Lance Corporal Higgins accepts this advice as best he can, I can see that, and asks to be dismissed.


    ¡°Do you mind spending a moment, just you and I, Lance Corporal?¡± I ask him with all the patience in my voice.


    ¡°Can it wait Sergeant?¡±


    ¡°Certainly. I want to be clear that if you need help though, come whenever. I will be nearby much of the time. None of us are alone right now.¡± My words lack experience and wisdom but I try to make clear my sincerity.


    ¡°Thank you Sergeant. Am I dismissed?¡± I look at Sergeant Jacobs and permits Higgins to leave.


    ¡°I have much to learn,¡± I say.


    ¡°Yes, but you are trying. If you could say anything about Davis later today that would be extremely helpful for everyone, but do avoid mentioning Kies.¡±


    ¡°I will Sergeant. Or Frank? Not sure to be honest.¡±


    ¡°Right now, Kel, either will do.¡±


    ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª


    Sweet music sweeps through my mind that I do not remember or quite grasp; I am not even sure if it my own music to some stirrings of my mind but I dare not disturb this moment. We stand together in a quiet area of the ship reserved for special functions, each of us dressed our best as we take a moment to mourn. It is quiet outside of my mind but I can see strain on every inch of their metal bodies; this loss has hit everyone hard. I cannot believe how quiet it is, not even the hum of the engines to disturb us. No one speaks or cries or dares make any attempt to destroy the slowly growing quietude but can we really? I don¡¯t know. I was only at a furneral once and I barely even knew the man, an uncle I think? I am not used to it being so quiet; it is oppressive, more so with the darkness. This most be the loneliest, at the reminder of mortality and the loss of friend¡­


    I look and see a small object, supposedly Private Davis¡¯, that is standing in for him and I cannot help but reflect on the loss of life, the cruelty of it, and how fragile holding him in my arms was. The sum off all he ever was just sitting in my arms, so easily¡­ Why did I fail him? How can I apologize to everyone when I failed to save his life. I know Sergeant Jacobs said he died instantly but honestly I still feel like he died waiting for help that would not come, not in time anyways. There must be something, though, something that I can do in order to right this. The weight of guilt is crushing me and sealing my mind, but that music does not stop playing, bringing both fire and sorrow. Do the choices he¡¯s made justify this death, give sense to it? Does it purify the enemy of the sin of death? I don¡¯t know and I must scream my confusion to the stars and planets around me, knowing they will not listen. We are alone in this life and I must not forget that. Still, I should say something; I can even see Sergeant Jacobs flagging, I am guessing from his own deep set guilt over being unable to help Davis recover before he died. It does not matter, I must try!


    I step forward, footsteps light and powerful, ¡°Forgive me. I barely know you and you all have just met me, but I cannot remain silent here. Private Davis¡­ he was a good man and a good marine. I so deeply regret not getting to know him better, not spending more time with him, before this day. Truth is, I sometimes worry that I am not cut out to be a marine, to bear that pride alongside all of you.¡± I feel pain in my heart; I am being honest with every word. I also failed to help the man I promised, the man who needed my help. ¡°The thing is, I am no longer going to accept that; I have no choice. I cannot and will not dishonor his memory by faltering now. Even as briefly as I knew him I learned much of him and hope that he finds peace on whatever seas we sail after our life here ends. However, as long as I am on this world, in my life, I will fight. I will fight for the pride that he had for being here and I will fight to bring justice to those who wronged him. His memory lies before us as the sum of a man who had the courage to seek his own destiny and refused to let the evils of this world break him. Bloodied as he was he never gave up. I made a promise to him the day before he died, a promise I did not have time to keep. In the name of that promise I will fight for a better world, a world where freedom and love reign over the ignorance and terrors of vast Creation. I will go to any lengths to honor him and those who came before him, making the ultimate sacrifice in the name of a better future. I ask you to stand alongside me as long as you are able, please. Help me honor the man who died far too young, ignorant of the light that this life truly as to offer. Help me make sure his sacrifice was not in vain¡­ Please¡­¡± Although my speech reached a crescendo of passion in the middle toward the end I just break down and cry, openly. I failed Davis, I will not do so again to anyone else.


    I look and see that several others and shaking and shuddering, crying silently. Did I reach them this time. Have my words meant anything? I mean it, all of you, I will find a better way.


    ¡°Having faced one of the too many trials of Man, having seen the Dove, can you continue to overcome adversity and continue along the Path to the Noblest of Truths?¡± I cannot tell which is talking in this liminal state, trapped between my eyes seeing the pain of comrades and my heart hearing the voice. This time, I speak, ¡°You will have your answer at the gates of Zion.¡±


    I step back and slowly others step forward and tell their stories. Brown and Johnson are new to the squad so they are really in the same boat, but the thought of losing anyone hurts and they are grateful for the time he spent with each of them, making them feel welcome and part of the group. The rest of often delightful stories told with the echoes of pain and the grasping of memories of a time when the stars were still jewels in the endless night sky. In time it comes down to just Higgins and Sergeant Jacobs. Higgins steps forward and tries to say something, but just gives up. I can¡¯t say I blame him and I see that no one else does. The music in my head starts talking, strange melancholy things. That is not a terrible word to describe most of this, but Higgins is just so beaten down. I move over to stand near him, but several others are already there, holding him, telling him that they are here; none of us are alone. Aren¡¯t we though? We live and die alone with only brief moments to cover that lie.


    ¡°One day I will tell you the story of Zeus, Youth, and the evil done to us by ancient Dogma.¡±


    Only Sergeant Jacobs has not made any attempt to speak. He waits until everyone else has calmed down and stepped back. ¡°I cannot say anything that has not been said better by one of you before me, that includes you Lance Corporal.¡± He looks at Higgins and the pain reflected in him stills shows his understanding. ¡°Let me say simply then that loses such as these happen and we do not have to be happy about it. The honesty you have all showed with your feelings makes me proud to be your Sergeant and let me join Sergeant Kel in promising that I will do all I can, with him, with you, and by myself, to make sure that his life helps lead to a better life for so many others. They will never know his name; they will never know his sacrifice, but they will have the life that Private Davis¡¯s sacrifice has paid for.¡± He sighs so heavily that it is visible in every part of him. ¡°Thank you all for being here for us and for each other. You are dismissed for the rest of the day. Be back at 0400.¡±


    Usually the permission to disperse results in everyone marching, shuffling, or filing out. But now all semblance of formality drops and everyone just comes together to be near each other, to talk, to help and be helped. Sergeant Jacobs moves over next to me as I step back and let everyone interact privately. ¡°Kel, don¡¯t make promises you can¡¯t keep.¡± He stands besides me.


    ¡°I will do everything in my power to keep that promise, no matter what. I owe it to Davis.¡±


    Frank moves to stand in front me, close but not aggressively so, ¡°If anyone else hears what you said they will believe you are vowing to destroy the rebels, but we all know that you just promised to find a way to punish Kies. If anyone ever figures that out¡­ Kel. Kel please tell me that was just an empty promise to make them feel better. I won¡¯t even be mad. Just let me know you aren¡¯t going to go after someone the government views as irreplaceable to their cybernetics program.¡± He is worried, scared even. The thought of losing someone else he is responsible for¡­


    ¡°I¡¯m not going to lie to you: I meant every word. I have friends, friends who may be able to help me stop Kies once and for all. Once this war is over I will ask them for their help and we will put a stop to this. Thing is, I know I¡¯m not as strong as I need to be to do it, let alone survive the coming war.¡± I put my hands on his shoulders and stare directly at him, ¡°if you withhold your aid I will falter and fail and maybe even die. At my weakest I need you, as long as possible, as long as you are able. If you want me to stop you only have to refuse to help me when I need you most, every time I need you. If you help me, stay by my side and be there for me, Kies will be defeated. That better world is on the horizon but only if we stand together, unafraid. Please, I know things have been strange and strained and difficult between us and will be from time to time and I know my feelings for you only make it stranger, but stand with me.¡±


    I see the concern come over him and gently takes my hands off of him. ¡°Kel, when battle changes a man this much it is rarely a good sign. You need help and I am not sure I can help you.¡±


    I put my hand back on his chest. ¡°I was forced to open my eyes Frank, baptized in blood and pain. It is not that I have changed so much as I have stopped hiding who I am.¡±


    He grabs the hand on his chest by the forearm and holds it. ¡°And who are you really, Kel? Earlier you were breaking down and snuggling me desperately and now you are speaking like you have a destiny.¡±


    ¡°Frank¡­ Please.¡± The energy suddenly drains out of me and I feel weak. As I begin to fall Frank grabs me and holds me up.


    ¡°Kel, don¡¯t burn yourself out. Thing is, if you don¡¯t handle this well it can destroy the rest of your life and I need to be honest: once you leave no one cares. The government will discard you and the populace will ignore you at beast. Machines that were damaged are discarded and tools that have served the purpose and left to rot. We are neither but no one will see that. I know this is hard, but please stay with me.¡± As he holds me I begin to feel dizzy, like the world is starting to melt around me.


    ¡°But¡­ gotta¡­ gotta¡­ yea¡­ you¡­ thanks¡­ love¡­ sweet¡­¡± I slur my words as my sentences begin to fragment and the world blossoms painfully. I feel the warmth of Frank¡¯s body against my own as he lowers me down, the heat a silken shirt gliding so smooth over my skin. He lays me on the cold hard ground, the steel beneath me unyielding. I see Frank moving over me, saying something in that pleasant baritone of his, his movements graceful and powerful yet contain such a deeply nurturing truth hidden within. The others come near me, their feat bearing both fear and sorrow as they dread another loss, but I know Frank will reassure them. I can see some vaguely, standing as both sword and shield, weapon and warrior. One bears the weight of a terrible crime on his body, another seeks redemption for a forgotten insult, and a third is burning with a renewed vigor at the thought of vengeance upon an old enemy. I reach forward and gently touch Frank¡¯s face, so smooth, so nice. As I touch him I realize something but my mind gives out before I can understand what I have learned.


    Thirteen forms stand around me. ¡°We are the pillars, you are the bridge, that will cross the waters of false theurgy and lead all into the eternal peace of Truth. Your trials will continue until your heart is ready to follow the path to Zion and climb the way to Shamballah.¡± I do not respond; I am too weak but cannot help but fall into the waters that always seem to be at my feet.

 16) Hospitals Are for Losers and Other Thoughts

    I slowly come to in the infirmary. I remember, I remember what happened but it seems like a distant memory. I gently try to raise my body up but immediately find that I am held down by straps. I call out but no one answers. We were just after a battle; why is there no one here? The machines beep and tick and click but I see no life besides myself. ¡°Hello,¡± I cry out louder. Why have I been forgotten here? I¡¯m scared. I struggle harder and the straps start to yield but they then push me down harder. ¡°Somebody, anybody, help me.¡± I fight for my life against my imprisoners; I¡¯m not going to be tied down, discarded, and dissected. I am a man! I am a marine! I made promises! The more I fight the harder I am held down but as long as I can move I will fight. Whoever put me here is finally taking notice; I can hear them muttering somewhere around me. I cannot make out what they are saying but it doesn¡¯t matter, I will win or die. No inbetween! They are muttering louder but I can feel the straps struggling to hold me. They are calling my name but it doesn¡¯t matter; I am not going to stop. Somehow they strap my entire body down, a massive weight crushing me. It forces me down and they are talking next to me: ¡°Kel, please. You¡¯re dreaming. I need you to hold still.¡± I can see through their lies; I¡¯m not going to stop. That voice, masculine and powerful, keeps begging me to hold still but I resist, until it whispers something so deadly I can do nothing but surrender. I only vaguely heard it it was so quiet but¡­  I don¡¯t know. I suddenly feel far more confused.


    The weight is taken off everything but my chest, my arms, legs, head, and hips are all firmly secured as I realize a machine is opening me. I start to struggle again when that voice, the hypnotic voice, starts whispering quietly again and making me hold still. Clearly they have some way of controlling my mind since I cannot bring myself to move as my chest is opened and that awful clawed machine reaches inside. I do everything to fight the moment I feel that thing touch my heart. The voice is shouting now: ¡°Kel no! Sergeant hold still; that is an order! Hold him down until they can turn him off!¡± I fight my best but I suddenly feel like falling again.


    I slowly come to in the infirmary. I remember, I remember what happened but it seems like a messed up dream. I gently try to raise my body up but immediately find that I am hold down by straps. I call out and I see someone, Sergeant Jacobs, come next to. ¡°It¡¯s okay Sergeant. You¡¯re in the infirmary. Try not to show too much, quite a few guys in here waiting for new parts or recovering like you are; let them rest too.¡±


    ¡°I had a nightmare. I thought I was going to be experimented on, cut up and thrown away.¡± Sergeant Jacobs touches me gently as I start to feel anxious, his touch surprisingly calming.


    ¡°I know. You collapsed and started dreaming and they could not shut you off. The entire squad had to hold you down as they extracted your heart with you fighting the entire way.¡±


    ¡°They saw¡­ my heart?¡±


    ¡°Yes. Don¡¯t worry. I know you¡¯re a big fan, some of them are too from the way they acted when they saw it, but no one is going to think anything less of you.¡± This is less reassuring than I would like.


    ¡°What happened Sergeant?¡±


    ¡°It seems like the extra energy mode you have actually managed to damage the hardware in your heart and you started dreaming vividly. Probably the reason you acted so passionately at the little remembrance we did for Davis. Before you saw anything: you did well. They are feeling a bit better, it takes time for the wounds to fade and you helped. Luckily they are also smart enough not to go into too many details about it.¡±


    ¡°What should I have said? I mean, I made a promise¡­¡±


    ¡°Kel, we can discuss that when you feel better, okay? Right now you should just relax and recover. They had to open that container and install new parts directly on your heart so you need to take it easy right now. Since you were dreaming someone will need to be with you at all times and the orderlies are not strong enough so it will always be one of us.¡±


    ¡°Did you see¡­ inside?¡±


    ¡°Yes. I wanted to make sure they weren¡¯t pulling a fast one on us.¡± I whimper in shame. ¡°Don¡¯t worry. It¡¯s a good heart; I could see that. Listen to some music and if you need anything I will be right here.¡±


    ¡°One thing, since you owe me for looking at my exposed heart. I heard someone, I am pretty sure it was you, talking to me as I was dreaming. They, you, said something though. I could not quite understand it but simply hearing it stunned me. If it was you, what did you say?¡±


    He studies me for a bit, tapping his fingers on the edge of my bed before leaving my vision. I hear him then tap his fingers on his leg. ¡°Later. As long as it worked it was worth it. That¡¯s all you need to know for now.¡±


    ¡°But, Sergeant Jacobs, isn¡¯t my security clearance higher than yours?¡±


    I get back a less than amused, ¡°stow that line of crap Sergeant. Don¡¯t tempt fate when your superior officer is right here.¡±


    ¡°Sorry there Sarge.¡± I am tied down and miserable; tempting fate is at least amusing soundings.


    ¡°Kel, I swear I will make you run laps outside this ship for hours if you try my patience one more time.¡± Annoyance and amusement mix quite nicely in his voice and I know I have pushed my luck to the absolute limit.


    ¡°Sorry Sergeant. Being strapped down makes for idle entertainments it seems.¡±


    ¡°O¡­kay then. Please let us know right away if you feel different at all, alright? We cannot get you back into top shape if you don¡¯t let us know.¡± Now he seems concerned. What¡¯s wrong?


    ¡°Certainly Sergeant. Is everyone else doing well?¡± I want to change the subject; his concerned is odd and seems unwarranted given I am the infirmary surrounded by technicians and doctors.


    ¡°Yes. Why don¡¯t you rest.¡± That was not a suggestion. ¡°You could be here for a while and then there will be the question of what to do if being in combat threatens to damage your heart.¡±


    ¡°First, how are we doing? They said this could be a huge win and dramatically affect the war. Did it?¡± The longer this goes on the more likely that more of the squad will die.


    ¡°Don¡¯t know. We¡¯ve been in the dark since we took the ship yards. You¡¯ve only been out for two days.¡±


    ¡°Expected time of freedom at least?¡±


    ¡°Not sure. Based on what I overheard it would be at least three days from today. Try not to listen too hard Sergeant, friendly advice for the moment, but you¡¯ll go stir crazy as you try to figure out what they are saying about you and what it means. You are not a technician or medic of any kind so it in the end is just jargon.¡±


    ¡°Will do. How much longer will you be here?¡±


    ¡°Hmmm? My shift finishes in under an hour. Lance Corporal Higgins will be here next. We¡¯re doing four hour rotations so no one is away too long for their duties.¡±


    ¡°Alright. Ever wonder why the orderlies aren¡¯t bigger, so they can handle cyborgs like us?¡±


    ¡°Not really. We¡¯re a pretty small minority. Just happened to have a lot of us crammed on this ship. The energy costs to run us are staggering so why invest energy for a small number of situations when you can just make other big guys take care of us is the train of thought I suspect. To be fair it isn¡¯t a bad one.¡±


    ¡°Well, what about¡­¡±


    ¡°Sergeant Kel, rest. That is an order now.¡± He cuts across me sharply.


    ¡°One more question?¡±


    ¡°Fine. Ask and then you had better be resting. You¡¯ve tried me enough in these few minutes.¡± He is less annoyed than he is trying to say but still I am done irking him.


    ¡°Why did they not strap me down when I was dreaming?¡±


    ¡°They did. You broke them. Don¡¯t try that; you need to not output so much energy you break your heart again.¡±


    ¡°Mmm, heartbreak,¡± I mutter in response, trying to get comfortable. I do keep quiet after that though, listening to restful music as I just wait for time to roll by.


    The squad members rotate over the course of the coming days in a regular cycle: Jacobs, Higgins, Smith, Brown, Jones, Johnson, Martinez, Rodriguez, Miller Wilson. I speak to them a little but in general they let me rest. I was so worried at first they¡¯d view me with fear or pity, but it seems my over-the-top speech lit a fire in them that this cannot quench. They make their support known and are happy to converse with me, provided I also keep my rest up. Turns out that is particularly good advice since they are intentionally keeping my energy low so if I push too hard I struggle to maintain any form of coherence. They tell me little about their lives sadly but I do learn bits and pieces of where they came from, why they signed up, and what they like to do when not trapped in the belly of a space whale. I also learn we have no news at all about reinforcements or even what is happening in the war. I remember they said if all goes according to plan we would get reinforcements a week after the initial attack, so if they aren¡¯t here in the next day or two I will begin to worry.Reading on this site? This novel is published elsewhere. Support the author by seeking out the original.


    As a contrast to the friendliness of my squad, the personnel here give me a wide birth. In spite of Sergeant Jacobs¡¯ warning I found myself straining to hear them once; that was a mistake. The meat and flesh workers really don¡¯t view anyone of us as more than machines with tiny bits of people left in to run them; they see us very differently than a pilot in a fighter. I stopped listening in from then on because I really don¡¯t need that sort of stupidity. I could tell Miller was not as incurious as I was as he clearly became upset by something and refused to tell me what the reason was. Even when I pointed out that I knew it was because they had said something particularly offensive he refused, saying that it was too awful to repeat. I took his word on it.


    It was during the fourth day awake there and the sixth day there total that I was finally released back to my squad, escorted by Johnson and Martinez back to my quarters. They left to inside and said Sergeant Jacobs would be with me later and not to contact anyone until then. I heard them take places outside my door and wait there. What¡¯s going on? This is the kind of stress I assume I¡¯d be told to avoid when getting out of a hospital setting. I initially just lie down and wait, not wanting to burn my unknown energy supply any more, but the boredom eventually gets to me. I go to the desk and quietly take the pad out of the desk and look at it, studying the pictures of Frank¡¯s sister. The child she¡¯s holding looks weak and ill, like he¡¯s struggling to survive. I did not notice before when his enthusiasm was so great but she honestly is not looking tremendous either. I wonder if there¡¯s anything I can do help? As I keep flipping I watch the child grow older but honestly the look of struggle balanced by her desperately forced joy never seems to fade; in fact in times it etches lines onto her face. My studying is interrupted by the familiar sound of the oncoming storm, the squad marching. I carefully try to put the pad back the way I found it and slip from the desk onto the bed. It is not long before I hear someone enter the room.


    Sergeant Jacobs slides into the room and I stand at attention. ¡°What¡¯s wrong Kel?¡±


    ¡°Sergeant, you ordered me isolated to this room.¡±


    ¡°Kel. Kel I did it for you. Sit down and remember our deal about formalities.¡±


    ¡°Yes, right Frank.¡± I sit down a bit rigidly. ¡°What¡¯s going on.¡±


    He does not respond initially, sitting at his desk and reaching for his pad. Before he grabs it though he stops. ¡°Kel, did you touch this?¡±


    ¡°Yes,¡± I admit. ¡°I was bored and worried. I just wanted to see something happy. I thought I was in deep trouble as it was.¡±


    He just nods and adjusts the pad slightly, out of my vision. ¡°I am disappointed that I need to tell you not to touch my things. I thought you¡¯d have more respect for my privacy than that.¡± He¡¯s not angry in the slightest; he really is just that disappointed.


    ¡°I¡¯m sorry Frank.¡± Offering any help for his sister seems like a bad idea at this point. ¡°That was wrong of me and I have no excuse.¡±


    He just does that whole body sigh of his. ¡°I accept your apology. The fact you did not do it out of some perverted need to pry into my life for looking at your heart is good at least. Thank you for being honest.¡± I just bow my head. I think I just blew it.


    ¡°Well, since that is done why don¡¯t we just talk. I held you here mostly because there are things you need to learn and get through your system before I let you back into the general population.¡±


    ¡°Really? Really Frank. Really.¡± My vocabulary has temporarily broken and I am hoping the conveys my annoyance.


    ¡°Yes. A lot of the flesh and blood troops are unhappy that we were given time and space to hold any form of tribute for our dead. In fact I am hearing that on some ships they weren¡¯t. The decisions were left to each ship¡¯s captain and it seems a good number did not feel that it was a good use of their time giving remembrance to scrap. All the meat have received actual funerals while we got a little private time.¡±


    ¡°Then what did they do with their bodies? Their hearts?¡± I am beginning to grow agitated. This is absolute crap.


    ¡°Scraps the bodies and junk the hearts, simply put. The marines, flesh and metal both, are up in arms but the Navy is unconcerned. Seems a critical number of sailors were openly antagonistic about us not being just trashed and ¡®insulting the dead by pretending we understand what it¡¯s like to lose a friend.¡¯ We fight, they don¡¯t, but we don¡¯t need open conflict now.¡±


    I just fall back on the bed. How could they treat someone so awfully? Even the corps gave a token effort when it came to remembering any of their fallen workers. ¡°Really.¡± The statement says so much, says it all really.


    ¡°We¡¯re on a slide to disaster, because someone leaked the audio to your little speech at the service for Davis. Not sure who; the entire squad it was not them, but that has managed to spread throughout the whole fleet. I am worried some uppity sailor is going to lose his temper over a ¡®machine¡¯ and cause a huge mess. That is why I kept you quietly here today.¡±


    ¡°Two questions. First, is that why you kept someone watching me and second there¡¯s no ID stamp on the recording?¡±


    ¡°No to the first; we really there to keep you company and help if things and got. No to the second; we have no idea who made it. The audio was clearly acquired from inside the room but is in mono. We don¡¯t hear like that and none of us have the engineering skills necessary or programs uploaded to manipulate the audio like that. Trust me, they looked into it¡­ deeply.¡± I shudder at the thought. I still remember that there is a copy of my memories in some database somewhere.


    ¡°How long until it is my turn or have they already looked?¡±


    ¡°I was told a backup was made when your heart was extracted and they just examined that. It was odd though¡­ They found no sign of any music, really any entertainment, although there is some corruption they need scrub out at some point. They only noticed it because there are ten terabytes of space wasted due to extreme fragmentation. Kel, what¡¯s in those fragmented files?¡±


    ¡°Not fragmented, just some technical sorcery I learned early on as a wage slave. No clue why it¡¯s so big though. My music files are only a terabyte though and I have nothing else secured like that. I can do a quick self scan and take a look at the results if you want.¡± Where is all the extra noise coming from? You¡¯d think I¡¯d notice a near percent of extra memory vanish. I start the scan and it says it will take a little over an hour to complete. ¡°Bit over an hour. What¡¯s going to happen to me now? Oh, and thank for not immediately assuming that I did it when no one was looking.¡±


    ¡°I looked into it as soon as this came to light, as did the investigators. I don¡¯t know what they found but I see no evidence of any wrongdoing on your part, so unless you just lied to me and have some very sophisticated programs in there you did not even try to access the ship¡¯s local net while you were in the infirmary. Trust but verify,¡± he explained. ¡°I had plenty of reason to not suspect you but seeing more evidence of your innocence did not hurt at all. As for what is going to happen to you, it is probably best if you lie low but I am confident this will die down as everyone gets focused back on the war effort.¡±


    ¡°Will I be able to get my hands on any energy? I don¡¯t know how low I am but I don¡¯t need a battle to start and then hit critical ten minutes in.¡±


    ¡°I will handle that. Right now just stay safe and keep your head down. There is no good was to resolve what will happen if you are forced to defend yourself.¡±


    ¡°Do you really think that will happen?¡± I have never heard of someone doing such a thing but given how controlled information is it could easily be suppressed.


    ¡°No. I expect that someone will punch you, break their hand, and whine like the space squid they are. That would still be more trouble than its worth so let¡¯s just be proactive while we can. I have a lot of procedural reading for you as well as some files just for general speaking advice. I cut a lot of the unnecessary stuff out of a book on the subject for you. It is insanely old but the advice is plain, simple, and solid.¡±


    ¡°Any chance I could just read the entire book? In case I miss something important?¡±


    ¡°Sure. I¡¯ll send you both files as well as everything else after your scan is done. Right now I need to do some paperwork but just say something if you need me.¡±


    ¡°Yes Frank.¡±


    ¡°Oh, and conserve energy still. No using the fancy sensors. Apparently you are keeping them at a moderate level at all times. I am glad you are getting used to it but we really need you to not collapse again.¡±


    ¡°Yes Sergeant.¡± I turn off the sensors and I suddenly feel extremely vulnerable. The data they were providing always in the back of my mind, being sorted and analyzed and fed into my conscious brain, not sure how actually. I keep the music playing, a lovely song about winning, and keep watching the Sergeant, my Sergeant. No,I need to not think like that. He said we needed more time. Man, I wish I could keep it under control though, but that feeling someone who knows everything about you is as awful as it is terrible as it is so deeply enticing. My thoughts wander back to how Davis seemed to just know everything to make me feel warm and alive. It is not long before that memory melts into Lieutenant Kies and how he knew exactly what to do to make me feel what he wanted and make sure I had no choice but to obey. I shudder and desperately try to cover my body trapped between the violation and the pleasure. I don¡¯t want to disturb Frank, but the feelings have me suddenly sick, my body is not my own, and I cannot help but reach for him. I click the tips of my fingers together and he turns and sees me doing whatever it is I am doing and suddenly he swoops in and I can feel his presence around me.


    ¡°Kel, I am here. Don¡¯t worry, I am here.¡± I just try to relax as I try to forget, purge, the thoughts in my mind but the truth is my body feels electric as my heart is shuddering with the corruption. ¡°Kel. Stay focused on me.¡± He puts his hands on me, hard; the touch is not sweet, gentle, or loving but hard and controlling; it actually hurts quite a bit. He rolls me over and holds my shoulders firmly. ¡°Focus.¡± I try. ¡°Focus on me.¡± It¡¯s too hard. ¡°Keep fighting. You¡¯re not what happened to you; you are you. Focus on me.¡± His grip is really starting to hurt, but the pain is a good focus point. I force myself to calm, aided almost entirely by his crushing and the rest by his constant reassurances; I could not begin to do this by myself.


    Once I finally relax a bit he lets go. ¡°Back with me?¡± I nod. ¡°Good. I am going to continue to do that paperwork, but don¡¯t be afraid to ask for help from me, ever.¡±


    ¡°Even when they give me my own squad?¡±


    ¡°Even then. Reaching me might be difficult and I will have more immediate responsibilities but as soon as I can I will help as best I can. That is promise.¡± I accept these words as the soft blanket I need, the kind you have as a child. I wonder what happened to mine? My parents had it because¡­ well I am not sure they would let me even see it if they even talk to me. The fact that he noticed so quickly was good though. Very good. My thoughts are starting to soften for some reason.


    ¡°Sergeant. Tired.¡± He looks at me.


    ¡°I requisitioned an emergency battery to charge you here for now. Just drop down so the scan continues and your heart is fine. Power up if anything goes wrong. I will stay here until we can get you some charge.¡± I just lay down into the softness, music playing and the slow flow of information on my HUD fading. It is not long before I end up sitting inside myself.


    The forest once again surrounds me; a welcome change from being trapped in darkness. The star in the sky shines what little light can be seen coming through the trees. It¡¯s refreshingly cool and an intoxicating smell surrounds me. No one speaks to me. I just rest quietly, all fear forgotten, the in the land of T¨ªr na n¨®g.

 17) Its Fine - This is Fine

    I wake up when I feel the uncomfortable feeling energy being forced into my batteries through my back. I feel groggy for some reason, my brain taking time to wake up. ¡°Hmph,¡± I groan. ¡°How long was I out.¡± My sensors are only beginning to fire so I cannot see well.


    ¡°Just wait Kel. You were lower than I thought and this really isn¡¯t going to be enough.¡± Sergeant Jacobs¡¯ voice comes through clearly. I just lay down; even my music seems to have shut itself off; scan completed at least. I just lie there like a limp noodle as my back itches with the cheap power flow.


    ¡°Done,¡± he says finally. ¡°Power up, but not fully. None of those sensors to start.¡± I do as he commands and feel myself lightening as everything that was once off turns on. I give myself a leisurely stretch and try to sit up.


    ¡°Give it a moment. Turns out your secondary battery was under twenty percent.¡± He gently pushes me back down. ¡°Glad to see you¡¯re feeling better at all though.¡±


    ¡°Oh, with all the stuff you don¡¯t bother with I figured you¡¯d assume I just had meat envy,¡± I tease. ¡°Now you can feel free to let me back up.¡±


    ¡°No Sergeant. This little thing, ¡° he taps some machine hidden out of view by the bed, ¡°could only fill up that secondary battery. I want you to just hold back a bit. I ended up requisitioning another one but I don¡¯t know how long it will be until it gets here. This one only took an hour but I expect the next will be some time. Just sit tight.¡±


    ¡°Did you guys ever figure out how much the second one holds exactly? I went without charge for a long time but that seems awfully low.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t forget your fight when dreaming. As for the battery about half your primary. Impressive considering that it is literally a tenth the size though. Someone pushed the limits of battery technology passed what I thought.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s why we¡¯re soldiers and they¡¯re scientists. Not everyone is cut out for this life.¡± He just gives me the dirtiest look at that. I expect a meat pile could not see an inch of it but it is plain to me.


    ¡°Kel, you didn¡¯t enlist either. I am not one to be teased lightly.¡± Yea, but he¡¯s happy.


    I slowly move forward and put my face near his. ¡°You can¡¯t make run or even leave this room. What are you going to do Frank?¡±


    The answer, by the way, is to flip me over and pin my arms in a matter of seconds. ¡°Leave you like this until you learn a little respect.¡±


    ¡°You know I¡¯d never pull it around anyone else.¡± He has gotten me in a firm grip and has completely control of my ability to move. I¡¯m graceful and lithe compared to him but talent is a burnt out candle compared the fires of perseverance that gave him the skills he has now.


    ¡°I do know that Kel. If you ever showed that level of insubordination in front of anyone I would not hesitate to deal with it. That¡¯s why I am showing you I can out wrestle you instead of something far worse.¡± Dark thoughts flutter at the edges of my mind, but they cannot get in; I am too distracted. ¡°Now are you going to be good or do I need to pull out come cable and make you stay put.¡±


    ¡°Good. I¡¯ll be good.¡± I do not want to be tied up, especially not again.


    ¡°Keep it that way. I¡¯m going to go back to working while I send Martinez to return this battery. Maybe the gesture will inspire them to send another more quickly.¡±


    ¡°Are they really that magnanimous?¡±


    ¡°What? Did someone play merry havoc with your dictionary? What does that ever mean?¡±


    ¡°Generous to someone weaker than you. I am pretty sure the doctor who worked on my heart after the accident decided to make me sound as pretentious as she does. It was sudden at first but it¡¯s really worked its way in. Apparently it is getting worse.¡±


    ¡°Kel, that¡¯s a joke right? Someone uploading files without your permission is bad, although that whole government property thing I guess. Still that just seems rude.¡± He is genuinely insulted by the concept. Sometimes I wonder if really is one of us, in his heart. Feels good to see him act more normally.


    ¡°I hope it¡¯s a joke. I mean, my vocabulary exploded after the accident but other than that no idea what happened.¡±


    ¡°What accident was that by the way? I don¡¯t recall you mentioning it.¡±


    ¡°Yea. I don¡¯t really remember it well. I was at some sort of facility, on Pluto I think? The old research plant they shut down there and recently converted. I was there with some guys and then boom, I was at a repair facility. That was only a few days before we met. Aren¡¯t you supposed to be working?¡± I am vaguely uncomfortable talking about it. It signaled the start of a ton of chaos in my life and I do not remember it well.


    ¡°Multitasking Kel. Concentrating is more effective, but did you say you were on Pluto not too long ago? Two weeks ago?¡± There is something about his voice, his posture, I cannot quite place.


    ¡°Pluto or Charon. I was not in the loop exactly where the place was.¡±


    ¡°You are one lucky bastard Kel and I mean that. Pluto was destroyed a few weeks ago; some sort of tiny high speed object, black hole I think, smashed into it at insane speeds and ripped the dwarf planet apart. I heard there were only a few on the thing at the time and that there were no survivors.¡±


    ¡°I guess I survived, but how? That doesn¡¯t seem like something someone just lives through¡­¡± My memory is also of explosion and flame, not twisting and cracking. I¡¯ve seen relativistic mining when I was working for the corps and there was little fire involved.


    ¡°Just be glad and I will be too. Relax and go over those scans results; tell me what you find.¡±


    I bring the information up on my HUD. Unlike their programs my self-scan works alongside my hexadecimal based magic program to  analyze the results and then hide them with the same thaumaturgical genius. Most everything is the same, yes my dictionary got a huge update that is slowly being incorporated into my regular speech patterns, yuck, but the ¡°junk¡± data surprises me. The music hidden in there has grown from one to over three terabytes and there is a five terabyte file that is just labeled ¡°Lavender Fields.¡± The rest is scattered around in memory and I would need to find a way to bring those together somewhere central to be able to begin to analyze them. I try to activate the Lavender Fields file but it won¡¯t open. I lack the program needed to execute it; it¡¯s a .oil file? What is a .oil extension? I check quickly check my internal manual it says it¡¯s an image file, but the scan identifies it as an executable; isn¡¯t that .exe? I suck at computers; I glad I am not one.


    ¡°So, some junk date, triple the music, and a file I cannot interact with and know nothing about but is fairly large. Five terabytes is pretty huge.¡± He shifts uncomfortably. ¡°What¡¯s wrong?¡±


    ¡°They didn¡¯t give you an OS, did they?¡± Wha? Why would he even say that?


    ¡°It was hidden by my own techniques so I doubt it. I didn¡¯t think you believed in such things.¡±


    He ignored my statement and comes over to me and suddenly hugs me. ¡°If you ever think it, tell me. If you ever think they put an OS, no matter what, tell me.¡±


    ¡°Okay, but Frank. Did that actually happen?¡± He just walks back, continuing to ignore me. Did that actually happen? It was a rumor; I believed it I mean, but it was still a rumor. The way he reacted though¡­ I will need to figure out what is happening later.


    ¡°Where did those two terabytes of music come from? I¡¯ll need to do an inventory of the individual files next.¡±


    ¡°Sounds good. I need to get back to work; speak up if you need me.¡±


    My heart aches for him. The way he is reacting to everything has me fretting about what could have happened that made him feel like that, react like that. I start the scan of the music file names and, since I am here, also see about trying to assemble any of those highly fragmented files. What is a .exe but not a .exe, a .oil but not a .oil? I cannot help but think the Griogori were in my head at one, putting these things there. Didn¡¯t the many armed one say something about not being able to help or give a gift or something like that. If so, then what is all this crap in my memory? Once I get an inventory I can make more sense of things at least and maybe even gain some, dare I say it, insight if I can assemble any of those broken files. I just go back to reclining and think really. The dark thoughts touch the edge of my mind, bringing  a cyclone over the sea though and I begin to feel filthy again.


    ¡°Hey, Frank?¡±


    ¡°Yes.¡± His response is a bit terse.


    ¡°Sorry to bother, but is there any chance of a shower?¡±


    ¡°No. Between your energy levels and the tensions on the ship I cannot allow you to leave. Are you really feeling that badly?¡±


    ¡°Eh, I¡¯m fi-.¡± I catch myself. ¡°I will survive if I need to, but I wanted to check.¡±


    ¡°As soon as its safe I will let you.¡±


    The time goes back to whittling away between music and watching the processes do their magic. Unfortunately doing so much actually drains my battery faster than I intended; the secondary is pretty small it seems. I shut off my HUD and lower the power of everything but those processes that I am actively running. The music helps pass the time as I just try to day dream the waiting away. So yea, no dreaming. The alarm warning me I was trying to do it go off. I forgot I was not my own man for a moment. Something occurs to me though: we can¡¯t dream because of safety reasons. What keeps meat from thrashing around when they dream and why does that not work once we¡¯re in a metal body? Something seems off. If you come across this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.


    My thoughts are interrupted by a knock at the door. I just continue my not quite asleep routine as Frank goes to answer it, carefully turning my head to be able to see anything. It is someone I don¡¯t recognize, a silver stripe above angled patches on their uniform. Sergeant Jacobs salutes him and lets him in; I make sure nothing reveals my status as awake.


    ¡°Is he asleep,¡± a feminine voice says.


    ¡°I don¡¯t know Lieutenant. It is possible since his battery was so low he went back into a power saving mode. Should I check?¡± Sergant Jacobs¡¯ voice is at its most professional when dealing with superior officers. He¡¯s definitely a career marine.


    ¡°That is fine. If he is awake that just saves me having to repeat myself. We uncovered a plot by some of junior enlisted to punish, maybe even kill, him for his speech. Based on what they have said we doubt that they could have hurt him unless we was in a truly vulnerable state, but regardless Captain Eriks has made it clear that his safety is a major priority until tempers cool. He has asked Captain Salazar to officially order him to be guarded around the clock until we can root out any other malcontents but sent me to give you an immediate warning until arrangements can be made.¡± She sounds like a woman who is trying such a little too hard to care.


    ¡°Thank you Lieutenant. I will make sure that he is safe until I receive further orders.¡± Mmm. Professional as always. She leaves shortly thereafter.


    ¡°Did you hear that Kel? People want to kill you but have no idea how to do it.¡± I want to answer but I am not sure I have the energy. He strolls over casually and looks me over. ¡°Did you burn yourself out again? Well hopefully that new battery will be here soon. Stay good until then.¡± He rolls me over and gently covers me in a blanket; a far more intimate gesture than I would have ever really expected, I think? ¡°I¡¯ll get you that shower yet Kel, just be patient for a little longer.¡±


    I end up dropping energy levels further to try to make sure when the next dose comes in I can actually leave my bed but that means I am once again trapped inside my own body, two processes I cannot see going and music softly playing me a private show.


    I am forced into awareness again by that same awful itching; I hate it. If I was an engineer I¡¯d find a way to make this not terrible, I know it. Regardless of my personal feelings though the problem still is that I am here, I am itchy, and I just need to suck it up and suck it up I do. Once the itchiness ends I feel my body shaking and start to wake up again, this time with no grogginess. ¡°Don¡¯t over tax yourself Kel. You¡¯re still not close to full.¡± Frank¡¯s voice is not an unwelcome break from reverie.


    ¡°I will. Looks like the scan finished,¡± I turn inward and see what was discovered. ¡°Yea, there¡¯s a ton of artists I don¡¯t recognize in here, just a ton. I am not sure who these people even are, Beethoven, Bach, Wagner? And why is Wagner marked with an asterisk? There¡¯s nothing explaining that and nothing I can use to explicate it.¡±


    ¡°Kel, what does explicate mean,¡± Frank cuts me off.


    ¡°Ummmm, give me a second sorry. I need to see if I can find it or if I am just making things up¡­¡± A quick dictionary search later, ¡°looks like it means to analyze and think about or make an idea about? Like you watch a vid, think about what it meant, and then decide based on that what you think the meaning is?¡±


    ¡°So, did you use it right?¡±


    ¡°I have absolutely no clue. I¡¯m not really in charge of the word usage right now.¡±


    Frank sighs a little, but it¡¯s his smaller more sarcastic one instead of the whole body ¡°I¡¯m not quite defeated but please stop¡± I have seen a few times now. ¡°Stay safe, okay? All these changes cannot be good for you.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t sigh. With your help I will be okay.¡±


    ¡°I will always try to help, but to be clear there may soon come a time that I cannot be there all the time; you will be responsible for yourself all too soon I suspect.¡± I think his worry goes beyond what would be normal here. He did say that I had a chance though? I shouldn¡¯t look too much into it; just take my time and relax AKA ¡°do my job.¡±


    ¡°You teach; I learn; I grow; You worry less. One of the shattered files I put together¡­ It cannot be assembled. All the pieces are together and nothing is missing but nothing seems to go together. I¡¯m not really sure how to explain it actually.¡±


    ¡°Any chance that it¡¯s active?¡±


    ¡°No idea but I would guess not unless this is programming that far beyond me.¡± Frank does not look to be satisfied with that response. His massive body is positively coiled and ready to pounce except he has no one to jump on. ¡°Frank, tell me what¡¯s going on. I¡¯m here and frankly you¡¯re making me scared.¡± He untenses a little.


    ¡°I am not sure not is a good time to talk about that. Keep a close eye, that¡¯s all I ask. Let me know if anything weird ever happens though. Ever.¡± His voice bears a truly ominous finality to it; not ordering or begging but he says it like a law that cannot be denied. I¡¯ve never heard anyone speak like that.


    ¡°I promise you that if anything suspicious happens with these files I will tell you.¡± I try to keep my voice firm but I am intimidated by the sheer strength of his¡­ request is the wrong word here.


    ¡°Not just the files. Anything, You are your own man no matter what anyone tells you. Period.¡±


    ¡°I know that.¡± I do. No matter how hard the corps tried to strip me of it I was always me.


    ¡°Not when you are at your worst. I was there for a bit of it and it will always be there: people who break you to own you or just seize the opportunity. Just remember, in the end you are you and your own.¡±


    ¡°I know there¡¯s a story here; when will you trust me enough to tell me?¡±


    ¡°Hmph.¡± He actually snorts. ¡°Be a long time. No offense, but it will be a long time.¡± I trusted him with so much. Ergh. I mean, I had to trust him and he did help but on the flip side it is still annoying when there¡¯s such a clear imbalance.


    ¡°I will leave it along for now then, but if you ever do want to talk I will listen.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s fine.¡± It¡¯s so strange; this is like nothing that I experienced with Frank before. I told him I would drop it for now so I a going to.


    I end up just lazing about and letting him work which is about as boring as you would expect. I am trapped in this tiny room by the backwards attitudes of others; why should I be caged by their ignorance while they walk free? It is so stupid: they are free to be wrong while I am a prisoner. This needs to change¡­ freedom¡­ freedom¡­ Hrm. I want to know more, though, about what the Grigori call freedom. I begin to focus inside, shutting off my senses so I can meditate more easily. I went to that place once without them seeming to notice or care but this I want to go and make them answer questions.


    The heavens above and below, galaxies whirling through cosmic infinity.  ¡°What makes you think you can ask anything of the Grigori, Youth?¡± The giantess who stands astride the two halves of the universe, the ultimate mistress of the vasty night. ¡°You can come to T¨ªr na n¨®g  on your own, but are you truly ready for understanding? Your soul is not yet White and only a true bearer of Purple can have a Red soul.¡± I try to talk to her, but I find myself unable to form the words. I do shoot her a look of hatred for what happened to me that night. Her response is a terrible laugh that strikes the stars of their places. ¡°Not yet Youth. Rot. Rot and decay, melting into a Black sea of putrefaction until you beginning to gain the strength to truly stand amongst us. Only then can you answer the question that will open the gates of Zion and the road beyond. Dogma will seek to strike you down, filling everyone you touch with the deadliest poisons Life and Man have ever conceived. If you break you were never worthy of our oils, were you? Youth or elderly Prove yourself through the army of adversities.¡±


    So that was incredibly helpful, wasn¡¯t it? It still feels awful that she refused to help me. I don¡¯t think she could have, but couldn¡¯t she have tried? As I come back to the normal world I just curl up a bit and sit in the uncertain cradle of my mind. When I finally think to look at Frank I see that he¡¯s just sitting there, probably doing a lot of work of some kind. This room is feeling smaller and emptier though since even my friend is ignoring me; I want to hold someone. Funny, that that should come back now. I remember being warned by my colleagues that the need to touch and hold someone will only get worse since no one will want to really do it. We need more affection than ever given the stress of conversion and the sudden crap society would take all over us and we could hardly help each other: we¡¯re like bladed beasts circling each other but not coming too close. I never fully understood it but I do remember the simple solution they gave me: get over it; you¡¯ll probably never get the affection you want so just abandon that part of you. Whatever keeps us somewhat distant though, Kies was able to override it in Davis. He nearly did so to me, he may have come to think of it. I just need to break at the wrong place or time and¡­ would I end up like Davis? I am sorry I was not able to help him.


    One thought washes away another in the frenzy of darkness, pulling me to crashing heights and then dragging me under the sea of misery. Davis, Kies, me, the Grigori, the angry personnel, the battle, my heart. The accident. Since the accident my life has been on a slippery slope to utter blech. Okay, so my vocabulary is not ready to accommodate my utter detestation of these current events¡­ Oh come on! Well, that nonsense aside whatever really happened seems to just be spiraling out of control and any time I start to begin to feel I have made any progress the ship lurches under me. Even now, the one person I thought I could discuss any of this with is suddenly acting strangely and maybe even standoffish. Please, I need something to anchor me; I don¡¯t want to be adrift in the interstellar void, in real life or in personal relations. I mean, I always spent my time functionally alone, I moved around so much that I never worked at making lasting associations of any kind, but that needs to stop and I am going to demand that life let me have a chance! Maybe. Or not. Honestly I am just blowing smoke here I think.


    I look at Frank again and see that he¡¯s staring at me. ¡°Yes?¡±


    ¡°You were thrashing like you were giving an angry speech.¡±


    ¡°Sorry, didn¡¯t mean to distract you. Apparently going stir crazy at top-speed; cabin fever we called it. I was talking to myself I guess I lost control.¡±


    ¡°Is it only being trapped?¡±


    ¡°Yes Frank. It is only being trapped. Cabin fever sets in quickly when confined to quarters.¡±


    ¡°Experience with that?¡± he asks.


    ¡°Some? One captain was a particularly testy meatball, especially when it came to us. I swear I was confined to quarters sometimes for existing near him sometimes.¡± I shrug with my voice. ¡°Not surprising but still annoying.¡±


    ¡°Glad I avoided that.¡±


    ¡°Did you really though? I am trapped here because of the who ¡®cyborgs aren¡¯t people¡¯ bit.¡±


    ¡°Yes. You,¡± he emphasized the word, ¡°are trapped here because the shuttle drivers are being uppity. I am free to move around.¡± I just shake my head my head in feigned annoyance. ¡°I can see you know I¡¯m not wrong Kel.¡±


    ¡°How can you read me so well? I¡¯ve been a cyborg for ten years and cannot read us as well as you.¡±


    ¡°Leadership Kel. Leading is easier when you know how people are feeling.¡±


    ¡°Wait¡­ How old are you? How long have you been a Sergeant?¡±


    ¡°Old enough to be one and long enough to be good at it.¡±


    ¡°Please?¡± I feel like there¡¯s a wall slowly building up between us; he showed too much of himself and, for some reason, does not want me to see who he actually is.


    ¡°Why?¡± Is he multitasking or just trying to shut this conversation down? Terseness is something I am used to being a tactic for ending a conversation.


    ¡°Because I want to know more about you. Not in the creepy sense, for now to be honest, but because I want to try to be a better friend and spend time with you.


    ¡°Later, then.¡±


    ¡°Okay¡­ I¡¯ll be here.¡± Even though the conversation finally died Frank keeps looking at me. What does he see; what is he looking for? Uuuggghhh. I wonder if I can find that song again about miserable children? I feel like a need an upsetting song¡­ Yup. There we go; the program literally read my mind. I¡¯ll need to look up the name and artist later. Distracted as I am I still can see Frank staring at me. Tell me my friend, what are you looking for?

 18) Free Again for Now

    Perhaps, then, the answer is that he was not seeking so much as dreading. The days grind by slowly and the wall between us grown so great I cannot see beyond it; he is a mystery to me now. Thing is, trapped here with only him as company has worn me down. How long until I can leave this room? How long until I get any information from the outside? Does it even matter? No one visits, no one talks to me. Truth be told it might just be good to accept my lot at this point. I am just¡­ I am just tired. Maybe it is just time to give up. I have earned my place. It¡¯s over.


    As the days drag on I just do as I am told, a machine in body and heart. I just feel so heavy, the weight dragging down my every step, resisting any attempt to deviate from the path handed to me. What¡¯s the point though? I don¡¯t care and I don¡¯t want to care. Life is pain, so I will just exist until something changes in me and I can breathe again, so to speak.


    My thoughts, my very heart, grows harder as time groans on, but as my deepest self grows wearier a pounding anthem grows in my head. My track list claims to be off though? I am just flat out confused now but honestly the experience I have been having with music means that this does not really surprise me. I am starting to wonder if anything will surprise me again. Even those busy bodies have left me alone and, when I do dream, it¡¯s only off a starless night sky and a frozen ocean. Someone is there with me but they do not seem to do anything. I spend my meaningless time building up my own walls, so that nothing can ever touch me¡­


    And again, in my rare sleep, I see that motionless sea in the black, with the figure resting against slim, bushy, tree. I turn away from it and look at the unmoving ocean and sigh, falling to my knees.


    ¡°You are defective. Why though, youngling? Why do you come and go and go and come? The sea is frozen: you are growing old. You are barely you and here you come here to become us. Thus I say unto you the ultimate word: enough.¡± I turn from the unmoving ocean to look at the figure as he rests the all and only tree. ¡°See, there is still hope, but you cannot come here again until the waters churn with the purged storm. A laser cuts through the fog and scatters on the silence. Here, then, is my final admonishment afore you find your way back here: hear the sounds of this world we dwell in, brass and timpani, and when you do, run to the forest and see the rabbit there; make your choice. The door will open again if you pick right.¡± I reach out my left hand but everything flew away with such speed as it stretched my shouted word so far away.


    The morning comes as a woman¡¯s voice sings goodbyes in my head. I can feel the crushing despair and know, from experience, that my renewed vigor can only last so long before I am dragged down into apathy again, but I will not let this chance pass me by. I am determined to fight my battle and win someone to help me fight the rest of the way. I slide out of bed with a deliberate lack of grace, thunking my feet on the ground with added force. Frank is sitting at his desk, working again. How long, ten days I think, have I watched him sitting there silently. No more of that. He jerks his head briefly, suppressing his urge to tell me to quiet down, even as I lumbered loudly towards him.


    ¡°You cannot ignore me forever Sergeant. We need to talk.¡± I speak directly and openly, but I cannot permit this situation to languish any longer. He just waves me off without looking me. ¡°No. I am¡­ I¡¯m done being ignored by you. I will not be alone, no. I cannot fight for much longer without you, so you are going to listen to me.¡± I grab his left shoulder with my right hand, metal crashing on metal, and pull him up and spin him around to face me. He stands there and stares at me, body tense for a fight.


    ¡°You have no business touching me, Kel.¡± He is barely containing his anger but that means he cares about something.


    ¡°You have no business ignoring me, Frank.¡± I am not nearly as angry, but contained rage beats showing my fear. ¡°We will do this together, whether you like it or not.¡±


    ¡°Do what? I failed to help Davis and expect to fail to help you. I need to save what I can out of this mess and I am sorry but you are not it.¡± He has not calmed down at all; is he really that angry or just that despondent


    ¡°Please, Frank. Listen. I can do this... with you. I can overcome this war, Kies, anything. I can, but not alone. If you give up on me, isn¡¯t it like letting Kies win?¡± I am growing tired suddenly. That burst of energy is fading more quickly than I could have imagined, only my music, drums, strings, and rock, sustains me now. ¡°This is the truth: the world we live is filled with dogmatic tyrants and perfidious scholars of deceit but we have our hands, and our hearts, to try to fight back: to make this world a world for everyone.¡±The author''s content has been appropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.


    He just looks at me oddly briefly. ¡°That was some florid language Kel. Very over the top.¡± His body shudders with a sigh. ¡°I¡¯m just too tired to do this anymore. I know you want help but I am just too burnt out to do it.¡± For the first time I really see how tired he is, his shoulders slumped and knees barely able to sustain his weight; his machine body is struggling to do what his mind is no longer willing to. If he had humans eyes I doubt I could look into them.


    ¡°Frank, we both need help. We¡¯re not gonna get it, are we?¡±


    ¡°No.¡±


    ¡°It did not seem so long ago you were helping me though. If no one else will help us, why don¡¯t we help each other? Fight, together.¡± He just shakes his massive head and turns from me to sit down. I can see the pain in his body with every slow movement. ¡°Frank. Don¡¯t turn away. You have a family, right? We both want them to be happy. Let¡¯s work together and give them a better future. Or die trying, I mean we are at war.¡± I put my hand on his shoulder and lean close to his head. ¡°We can do it, so no one is forced like we were.¡±


    His voice is a dry and meek whisper, ¡°Dirty trick, talking about them. Nothing we can do.¡±


    ¡°Try, Frank. Fight, suffer, and try again.¡± My own voice has become quiet as well, a complement to his.


    ¡°You¡¯ve gotten bold.¡±


    ¡°I am sure it¡¯ll be gone by tomorrow Frank, unless we fan the flames together.¡± I draw my head as close to his as I dare, my body near draped on his.


    ¡°Fine. If it means I can have a few moment by myself then fine: I will help you.¡± The tiredness, the weakness, is still caught up in his voice but it is forward motion at all. I will take my victory.


    ¡°If you need anything Frank, let me know, alright? We are in this together now.¡± He gives me an odd look, something I feel like I should recognize.


    ¡°Tomorrow, Kel. I will need your help tomorrow. Be ready.¡±


    ¡°I slept and am tired already. I am going to just walk around the ship for a bit, shower maybe. How does... did Davis do it?¡± The question hitches a second. I straighten up, trying to look bolder. It is getting easier with practice but Frank is one of the only people I do not even dream of trying to fool. His response is to just ignore me. I screwed up hard; I need to be more self sufficient right now. It¡¯s¡­ I don¡¯t know. I feel like I am on the verge of something important but I cannot place my finger on it.


    No music either. You know, I say to no one in particular, that is kind of nice. No one is mucking around in my head or anything. It is finally just me in my own mind. My broken, messed up mind. I shake away the thought and slip outside the door. The hallway is quiet and dark, peaceful even, if the groaning belly of a war machine can really be called peaceful. Maybe it is an irony thing I guess? I am not particularly good at language honestly and I expect without anyone mucking my mind anymore that fact is not going to change anytime soon. I sit down on the floor next to my door. I sit down next to the door to my friendly little prison, neither wanting to go nor being permitted anyways, and rest. I flit through my music, find a song I want to listen to, something with a solid down beat at minimum I think, metal for a metal monster in the metal belly of a metal beast, and just bob my head, each nod a violent acknowledgment of the music of the power of the music I am listening to. It is nice, honestly, to finally be me again, for even a second. So many people in my head, using my body, even touching my heart. I want to be angry but right now I just let the rage wash over me in the waves of the music. I am here; I am me; I am alive. I cannot fix everything or even begin to understand what has happened to me, but right now I am just going to sit and just be.


    I keep my head bobbing, one powerful song after another, when a beep comes up on my screen. It is Frank, asking me where I am and reminding me that I was told not to be alone. I just respond by reaching my right arm and knocking on the steel door beside me. He slides it open and looks down at me but I just keep bobbing my head. ¡°Really?¡± He asks. ¡°Did you really walk out and sit down here? What and why? At least you did not run off for once.¡± His words would normally chastise me more, but I am not going to care for the next few minutes. ¡°What are you doing anyways?¡±


    ¡°Music.¡± Terse. I don¡¯t want to talk.


    He uses his body to shove me over and sits next to me. ¡°Share, please?¡±


    I flit over to a less heady song, something passionate and uplifting but still with a good beat. Worse for dancing, still good for healing and better at not hurting, so I like it. Connection sent and accepted and we listen, sitting next to each other, bobbing our heads in unison as we just exist in sound. I have never truly felt closer to anyone before actually. Two men, in strife and pain, chilling next to each; I feel odd for a moment but ignore it. I just need to relax and stay focused for a bit and just actually get some good hanging-out-friend time. Not the best in the vast universe, but good regardless. I will have to take what I can get right now and do more work when I know a more about myself and him. That is later though, right now I just sit next to my friend and listen until work calls us away again.

 This World Tilts

    The days had begun to see improvement, Frank and I working together, until the ship was rocked by an explosion and the klaxon began to wail. The ship rumbles around me, shuddering and lurching violently in throws of some unseen force. I hop up with the sound of thunder, the Sergeant jumping up beside me with an equal explosion. With a quick gesture he sends me off to check up on the squad as he runs off to do some other task. It quickly assemble the nine of them, nine - I shake the thought from head, and arrange them in front of me in their usual lines. The tension is tremendous and only grows worse as another blast rumbles through the ship.


    It is several agonizing minutes before our orders come through: to wait. Everyone seems surprisingly calm with the rumbles rocking our ship, even me on the outside, but this is painfully agonizing for me at least. Each shot shakes us badly and sometimes you can see the shock wave actually pass through the area has it reverberates through the ship. I can only guess that those are the hits that struck our ship and several of the smaller booms are shots hitting other ships near us. It is an agonizing two minutes before we are told to get ready to repel boarders. I dread, loathe even, the thought of more close combat. Being covered in gore in definitely going second from the top on my list of least favorite things at this rate but I need to focus. The booming of heavy feet, the rumbling of damage to the ship, these are the bass beats of a terrible song that lacks harmony or melody; I fear that I will soon be providing the missing parts of this war symphony myself. I cannot fold now though: people are depending on me, most of all myself.


    No giant rockets of any kind thankfully, but we do get a number of blades, short one stabby slicey ones for narrow corridors and bigger heavier ones in case armored, or even cybernetic, troops come in. We divide into two teams, with Sergeant Frank giving me Martinez, Brown, Higgins, and Miller. They form up being me as I lead them to our designated staging area. There are some false starts as my lack of familiarity with the ship causes me to get turned around and Martinez has to give me better directions; I swear I cannot read a compass in the best of time. After the sudden rush the waiting there, in a small junction room between multiple hallways, in painful. This maze is going to become my tomb¡­ my stomach drops out from under me. No information about enemies moving around though so either my intel is poor or we have a little time before sometime disastrous happens. Not sure how good I feel about it either way; maybe they are not successfully boarding at all and we can just wait for the enemy to back off? I stop and breathe, for lack of a better term, and try to entice my mind to stop running around and keep focused on the task at hand. My squad is depending on my abilities and I am going to get good at this whether I like it or not.


    Still waiting, I can see the tension in my men. On the service they look like impassive machines but I have spent enough time with them to see the subtle extra tension in their bodies, the absolute stillness like a coiled snake trying to figure out if it needs to strike. I stop and check to see if anyone is poking around in my head, but all communication seems to be one way. I have only one way to help them at the moment and I need to make sure no one is spying in my brain to try to muck it up; I am going to share my ill-gotten music. Quickly I find something weird and electronic with a beat, energy but not passion. Dancing music for a war symphony¡­ I did provide that harmony it seems. I fire up the music and send an invite to share the music with me and not one of them hesitates. We are not sharing into some sweet electronica and I can see their demeanor change slightly. Less angsty tension and more deliberate waiting for whatever comes next. Music is magical for all of us; I will keep that in mind.


    The shock start dying down after about thirty minutes and I can see the squad starting to calm down in a real sense, after all no one managed to board and the battle is nearly over. The next rumble to go through the ship is strange and immediately sets the squad on edge, a dull clanging sound like a failed missile smacked the ship. They are quite stressed though.


    ¡°Boarders,¡± I ask through the link.


    ¡°Debris,¡± is Higgins¡¯ only response.


    I admit I am not entirely sure what is going on but I think¡­ did a ship explode and it¡¯s pieces smacked into us? Why didn¡¯t I hear anything? If so stressed makes sense¡­ we really do not have the faintest clue what is going on outside of these walls, this room, do we? Well, more than the faintest since things hit us but that is hardly too informative in the long run. How many ships have been destroyed then? Ally or enemy, are we next? The explosions fade, no longer shaking the ship violently with every movement. There is only one more dull thud that swings through and they stand firm, upset but working at  keeping together quite well. By the time the seventy minutes of music ends the battle appears to be over. I have no idea how long space are supposed to be, honestly I have no idea how anything space battle at all really works. I need to learn more. Running list: space battles, spend time (learning) with Frank, figure out how to be a good leader. That is easy and simple and should take me five trillion minutes, tops.


    I pull my wandering brain back into focus with only some protests from it and look at my little squad. They are stressed from the hurrying, waiting, and now other waiting. I turn to look at them physically, machine to man, and nod my head in approval. I hope it looks better to them than it does in my head because I feel like an idiot. This tale has been unlawfully lifted without the author''s consent. Report any appearances on Amazon.


    ¡°Any word, Sergeant?¡± Higgins again. I need to thank him for stepping up.


    ¡°No, Lance Corporal. We wait here until further orders.¡± I am direct but trying not to be terse. This situation is a bit aggravating to me I admit but there is not much I can do beside wait. I dare not ask anyone outside of this room what I am supposed to do next. ¡°How is everyone holding up?¡± Breaking the tense ice? Classy Krl. Very leadership. They all sound off that they are ready and awaiting orders. ¡°Once we are back with Sergeant Jacobs we can talk with him. You are doing well and I appreciate your patience as I continue to learn.¡± Add speech making to the list. Five trillion and one minutes now. I am leaving some wiggle room, of course. Part of me just wants to hug them and tell them that everything is going to be fine and they can relax, but that is twice stupid and a lie. My instincts are geared toward vulnerability. What do I change to? Curse the bureaucrats who threw me into the mess for their own random purposes.


    Still more waiting before the order comes through to head back to our rooms. As we file back in earth shaking silence I hope that Frank had a better time, or at least an equally violent one. The easier this is the better, no need for another Davis so close to his death. Quiet is the conversation and our voice as return and quiet we wait when we get back to our rooms. Not sure what to do so I just have everyone wait in silence. If I had a human heart it would be counting the seconds until their return; even the imagined one in my mind beats so fast and loud as a terrible echo of our footsteps a moment ago. There is nothing to do to stop the imagined pounding. I just place my hand over my real heart, locked in its cage in its case and try to will it to calm itself. Please, please just have faith in my better half. Praying to my heart seems stupid but¡­ but there is no one else right now and I am desperate but I refuse to give up. If nothing else I know that there are gods of some sort mucking in my life; if they can mess with my life I can to, on my terms.


    We end up waiting near on an hour before I finally hear my companions footsteps. Is it bad or good that I have begun to recognize them? Hmph, I admonish myself, and have everyone in formation to meet them, secretly shaking at what I might see. When they come into view and we salute my anxiety peaks at seeing their gleaming bodies, unsullied by even dust; the tenseness is just feeding into itself. ¡°This wasn¡¯t necessary Sergeant Kel. Everyone else is dismissed. We have a briefing to attend shortly.¡± Letting go of the fear is hard. Why is not having my fears realized making me feel better? Life was better as a corporate slave honestly.


    He leads without waiting for me to follow but I do not need any encouragement. The pace is brisk and my movements smooth, as oil skims across water I follow his lead wanting to reach out by unable to break the barrier between us. ¡°Sergeant¡­¡± I manage only the word before he cuts me off with a sharp gesture.


    ¡°After.¡± Terse, but not an order. Strange, but I will listen. He is asking my as my equal, not that oil is to water.


    We keep the brisk pace up until we get back to the meeting room that we used planning the assault that seems so much farther away with each passing minute. We once again get set up with the other behemoth leaders of machine men and wait for someone the officer. I noticed that there far fewer such leaders than I remember, but without knowing when the meeting is we could just be early? I waited for everyone else to come but¡­ But no one came.


    ¡°We have a problem,¡± Sergeant Frank begins. ¡°I was authorized to spread this to you all, but this rebellion is bigger than anyone on our side seemed to know. The Sergeants not here are under investigation for treason. I expect that they did nothing wrong but things are bad.¡±


    ¡°How bad?¡± I cannot tell just how serious he is.


    ¡°Everything, I mean everything, is starting to fall apart.¡± He is worried, worries in a way unlike I have ever seen before. ¡°We can expect the our civilization may endure for a few more weeks, at most, before devolving into a mess of warlords vying for slices of territory.¡± I can only shake my head.


    The meeting continues on in a far more technical tone than I am really equipped to handle, but one thing is clear: we need to pick a side and stick with it because whomever we serve, whomever¡­ really, whomever that is will be our only ¡°safety¡± against whatever far less forgiving persons have in store for us. The choice is clear to us all: we must ask the captain of the ship. We are required by sheer necessity to trust his judgment normally, but now it is a matter of more than just survival. There is a chance we can expect others to try to seize control but as long as Captain Salazar supports Captain Eriks we can likely keep the situation under control long enough to try to make any attempt to eke out a life for ourselves somewhere in the galaxy.


    After our clandestine meeting adjurns, also known as we sneak out, Frank takes me aside. ¡°I know you have a lot of reason to want to leave and join some rebel group or another but¡­¡±


    I cut him off, ¡°Is this a ¡®you are too valuable so side with us or be destroyed deal?¡¯ Do you really think that little of me?¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t cut me off! You are too big a pawn to be left to run around on your own. I need you to realize the technology you carry will be a big boon to anyone who can get their hands on you, seduction, kidnapping, mind control, whatever. You need to be on guard, yes, and if I feel you are not strong enough to keep yourself focused on the task I will rip your heart out myself until we can find you a new body. I don¡¯t want to kill you but I will not hesitate you put you somewhere you cannot cause trouble until we are safe. Do you understand me Sergeant Kel?¡±


    ¡°Yes, sir.¡± My response is timid. I¡­ I don¡¯t understand how I feel about this and I don¡¯t even know how I should feel. I feel that terrible feeling again, that aloneness when crowded in. ¡°You can trust me.¡±


    ¡°I do, Kel. For now. I just cannot trust your fears.¡±

 Burden of Dreams

    We go back to our waiting troops where Sergeant Frank gives a half-complete update to the situation, with the promise to spend some one on one time with every to see how they are feeling. I can see that they are desperately nervous but none of them has any idea how to feel right now. I wish I could really understand why, but there just seems to be some sort of gulf that I am unable to bridge. I follow Frank into our room once everyone is dismissed.


    ¡°Private talks?¡± I strip off my uniform and lay down in bed.


    ¡°Yes. I need to know who I can trust and who I need to make trustworthy. This is bigger than any of us Kel. Unless you have some magic powers that can save us all hidden in that body.¡± He sits at his desk and goes to his picture book.


    ¡°Nah, used it all up yesterday on making an ice cream cone for myself: Double strawberry with cream swirl on a waffle cone.¡±


    ¡°You cannot eat an ice cream cone Kel.¡±


    ¡°No one, no one Frank, has ever accused me of being a clever man.¡±


    ¡°True.¡± He chuckles at little bit. I find everyone finds it a little funny when you insult yourself for a joke. ¡°Speaking of private talks, let¡¯s have one now.¡±


    He puts his tablet down, turning it off, and turns to look at me. His shirt and jacket hang across the back of his chair, his metal body glinting subtly in the dim light. ¡°What do you want? That is something I cannot figure out about you. What is it that you really want?¡±


    ¡°Just to live my life and be left alone. Free of all this¡­ everything.¡±


    ¡°So you if I plop you down on an abandoned planet with energy to last you forever you will be happy?¡± I respond by looking away. The question is uncomfortable for me and I have no idea what to answer anyways.


    ¡°No. It would get lonely.¡±


    ¡°So what you want is not just to be left alone.¡±


    ¡°Frank, at this point I would just be happy to exist without anyone mucking around with me. I am barely surviving as it is. Is it too much to ask for that first?¡±


    ¡°There is more to life than surviving; we are not animals. You will not do well now, in this madness, if you do not want something more. Something your heart really desires.¡±


    ¡°I do not have idea any what my heart might want.¡± Not entirely true¡­ I think.


    ¡°Friends, lovers, marriage? You aren¡¯t an island. Any plans on that front?¡±


    ¡°Ish¡­? I never really learned about the whole cyborg-love-thing. Work before pleasure and work was life so¡­


    ¡°You cannot make me trust you as much as I need to when you are this cagey. You have to die for something so why not live for something as well?¡±


    I can almost feel my heart skip a beat but banish the thought. ¡°I am just used to being used and alone. Coming here did not change that, no slight intended, but there is not anything more I can do without a miracle from long dead gods. There is a gap, Frank, and no one can close it.¡±


    He voice snaps back, ¡°You could stop vetoing the bridges though. Just for once be honest. You need a friend at least. Someone to depend on but you don¡¯t want to let anyone in? How are we supposed to help you when you offer nothing but boundaries? There has to be something I can do.¡±


    I perk up. ¡°You said ¡®I.¡¯¡±


    His response is surprisingly sarcastic in tone but something about it¡­ ¡°Yes. I have been trying to get to know you, spend time with you, even let you into my life a little. You are the first person who I get to spend with whose not my subordinate or superior. Maybe you could start easy and open up to someone who has no choice but to?¡±You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story.


    I am humbled, slightly at least, or perhaps I am humiliated. ¡°Sorry,¡± I whisper back. ¡°Any port in a storm, right?¡±


    ¡°More like don¡¯t criticize gift crates Kel. I am alone and you are lonely. Perhaps we could have found a way to solve both issues at once, hmmm?¡± My mind drifts to the thought of how odd it is the a cyborg can hum with neither lips or lungs but for some reason¡­ ¡°Kel!¡± I snap back to attention. ¡°Your dodging the conversation. Don¡¯t.¡±


    I jump to a lie, ¡°What makes you say that?¡±


    ¡°You stop staring directly when your attention drifts and your head moves slightly. It is pretty obvious once someone gets to know you. As well as can be done, anyways. Now, let¡¯s talk honestly. This is the last time I get away with giving you a pass so I need you to open up to me. What do you want?¡±


    Telling the truth on important matters is more like spitting it out, each syllable brings bile inexistent to my the equivalent mouth. ¡°I don¡¯t know. I am too used to being alone and drifting. I don¡¯t want to be alone but I don¡¯t even know what that means. I want these weird feelings Kies put in me gone. I, honestly, like being a cyborg but I want to be me on my terms, but I know that it is not possible. Even if I were to swim to the dark depths of wishes in my heart I could never be free.¡± Saying any of that hurt me more than I anticipated.


    Frank cocks his head curiously. ¡°I have literally no idea what that last bit means but I am curious if you are being fully honest. I must able to trust you to hold my heart in your hands through every temptation they will throw at you. Like it or not you are going to be a valuable puppet in this war.¡±


    I bury my head in my hands. ¡°I want to be loved. I have never known someone to hold me and sleep with me and wake up next to me. I regret not taking advantage of Davis, because it would be someone not Kies touched me like that. I know it¡¯s wrong but I wish I had done it.¡±


    I feel a hand wrap gently around my wrist, pulling my right hand away from my hands. In an almost sensual most Frank most it up my arm and slips his hand under my shoulder and gently pulls me up before wrapping his arms around me and holding me. Intense heat from a hidden source gently warms me as I rest my head against his, nuzzling gently, before I cry. No sound, no movement, only weakness betrays my pain, but I don¡¯t know what else to do now. I lose track of time, truly, before he slips me down gently onto the bed and tucks me in. ¡°I thought you were going to have sex with me.¡±


    ¡°Not when you are like this.¡± A gentle voice, a lover¡¯s voice. ¡°Besides, you have a lot to think about and we have a lot to talk about and if you do want to I should make sure you are absolutely ready.¡±


    ¡°I thought you needed to trust me completely?¡±


    ¡°That will take time. Rest, please. I will keep you safe. Healing is a lot harder than being wounded I am afraid and in my experience a breakthrough is just a way of saying you took a bigger than baby step. But keep working and we all will be here to help you. Your refusal to abuse Davis did not go unnoticed or unappreciated. So sleep, as long as you can. There will be time for sleepless nights later.¡± I heed his words, and let myself fall into the abyss of relaxation that comes with real rest and before I go I check the time. He was holding me for over twenty minutes¡­


    The shore is beaten by the pounding surf, wave after wave comes and go. The night sky is brilliant and full of stars more clear than I have seen on any planet before. I walk to the water and my feet touch the foam and again I am paralyzed with fear. Whatever those waters are, reflecting the beautiful sky above, I dare not tread their waters yet not explore their hidden secrets. In answer to my thoughts a woman who was always there is far away from me. She studies the foam as she wears a pale blue dress, almost like someone forgot the red in lilac, and she studies the littoral area wetted by the surf. She turns to look at me, only a few feet  away as her pale yellow hair is whipped by the evening. ¡°I told you I would only help you once, so here I am. I worked hard to be able to bridge the narrowing gap. Kel, you are starting to learn who Kel is. Who he is and what he wants is who you are is who we are. We are connected as the distant stars in the heavens are connected by their tiny points of light. To know yourself is to add your point of light to ours, but alive! Kel, there is one thing we need you to do Kel. Go home. The rest will fall into place but in this Dogmatic war you must go home. I shake my head. She sighs. ¡°Not your home. Home. The waters are your mind and the surface has begun to stir, but deep down is still as solid as ever. Once you abandon fear and touch the wetness, truly, you will know. You are close, but as you become you you must be you at Home. All roads leave from Home.¡± I am again alone for the first time and also for the first time I feel like I could understand what that means.


    I stretch, enjoying the brief pretending at being alive, and look around. Nothing has moved, nothing has changed. It is just eight hours in the future with Sergeant Jacobs looking down at me. ¡°Sleep well?¡±


    ¡°Eight hours, but with those dreams I can never tell what is going on. First time I had a good one in¡­¡± I stop as I realize what I am saying.


    ¡°You actually dream? Kel, no one can know.¡± Frank kneels down close to me. ¡°I have gotten things arranged so you are after but please, no one must know you dream. It would mean there is something wrong with your heart and right now we need you to be a symbol.¡±


    I feel some annoyance rising up. ¡°Why is it bad that I dream sometimes? Humans get to! Why don¡¯t we! We¡¯re still people to.¡± Frank puts a hand on my shoulder before my tirade grows too loud and gently pushes my back down in bed. I comply reluctantly. ¡°Besides, a symbol of what?¡±


    ¡°Captain Eriks agreed to champion our cause after he put down dissidents on the ship. Kel, you are the symbol of the new cyborg rebellion. Kel, you could give us a home.¡±