《Upside Down》


 Saturday, March 2nd, 2013

    - the beginning of a career -


    "And the winner of the 2013 youth all-round freestyle skier is..."


    There''s tension in the air, as I''m nervously biting the inside of my cheek, getting a disapproving look from my mom, simply because she knows I''m biting my cheek again. She always tries to get me to stop.


    But it''s nerve-wracking to stand here amongst eleven other contestants while any of them have competed in games before and this is my first time ever. I'' the youngest, the newest, and probably the only one without parents who made me grow up on skis.


    I started when I was five nonetheless, which is probably early compared to a lot of skiers. But most of the kids around me have been skiing longer then they''ve been walking. Figuratively off course, because you can''t ski before knowing how to walk.


    But that''s not the point.


    I''m the newbie.


    And according to reporters, I was the most promising talent, but that doesn''t hand me the win. That doesn''t get me the cup, or the pride, or the bragging rights.


    I hop from one foot to another, getting impatient and a bit annoyed by the guy who''s drawling tons of bullshit, before he finally pulls the card out of the envelope that holds the winners name.


    I allow myself to take a peek at the BMX bike that the winner gets when I hear him call out the winner''s name.


    "Milan Lohmann!"


    My eyes widen and my jaw drops, as the people in the audience start clapping, my personal fans cheering as loud as possible.


    I smirk towards them, and especially towards Jacob, who had been the one that pushed me to sign up for this tournament in the first place.


    Then, I proudly hop onto the podium, shake the guys hand and grab hold of the most desired cup in the area with an even more daring smirk on my face.


    Daring people to challenge me to go head to head with the junior champion of the year.


    * * * * *


    "What''s your full name?"


    "Milan Ferdinand Lohmann." I take in the reporter from head to toe, annoyed because I wanted to go home about three hours ago, but then mom and dad wanted to go out for dinner, and then a guy from the tournament called and said that I was supposed to give an interview to a local newspaper. And now I''m here, I''m tired and I just want to slap the guy and go home. Can''t we do this tomorrow?


    "How old are you?"


    "Thirteen, sir," I grumble, sliding down in my seat a bit, while mom lets her hand go through my hair. "Any good questions?"


    "When did you start skiing?" He scratches his nose casually, ignoring my sneer. He most definitely isn''t interested in this article, or interview, or whatever he''s going to make of it.Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road.


    "When I was five, sir." I smirk. "Bet you figured I started as a baby, huh?"


    He shortly looks up with a small smile, shaking his head. "Nowadays, most kids start later."


    His stupid remark makes me feel just the tidiest, slightest bit less proud.


    "By four is an average age, so you''re still a bit late." He winks as soon as I smirk at him again. "Why did you start skiing?"


    "Because all of my brothers did, and I thought it looked cool." I shrug, my mom smiling at the memory of my oldest brother Romeo teaching me how to ski back when I was five. She keeps reminding me how cute I looked.


    Like I want to look cute! Hell no!


    ¡°Ah, so you have brothers?¡±


    ¡°Four annoying idiots, yes sir.¡± I nod with another smirk and mom slaps the back of my head for calling Romeo, Leo, Mateo and Mass idiots. But that¡¯s what they are, loud, screaming, annoying idiots. Thank god Romeo, Leo and Mateo already left the house by now.


    The reporter smirks back at me, his eyes beholding amusement over my attitude. He writes it down quickly, before he looks back up. ¡°Any of them a threat to you? Or are you the only one in the family with this much talent?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not talented, I think.¡± I frown, wondering if I really ain¡¯t talented. ¡°I like to think it¡¯s hard work, sir. I¡¯ve been out on the snow nearly every day there was good enough conditions for over eight years.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s true, Milan¡¯s hobby costs us a fortune, but buying him a pass to the mountain each season is money well spent.¡± Mom agrees with me. ¡°He¡¯s out there every waking moment.¡±


    ¡°And you videotape the sessions, or, your best friend does?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, Jacob Massaro follows me around with a camera to videotape what I do. We need a better camera though, but it¡¯s fun to see progress.¡±


    ¡°So, you use the videos to watch and learn?¡±


    ¡°And to share on YouTube, sir.¡± I smirk once more. ¡°I have, like, fifty followers on my channel and it¡¯s nice when they comment me. But Jacob takes care of all that.¡± I wave with a hand, to wave it off. I don¡¯t want to talk about that.


    I wanted more people to respond to my video¡¯s, but even though Jacob managed to get my channel followed by nearly fifty people, only a handful responds to the videos in the comment section.


    I didn¡¯t even want to upload the videos in the first place, but Jacob really wants to work behind a camera and he says this is the start of his career. And who am I to stop him from pursuing his dreams?


    Jacob Massaro is my best friend ever since I started in pre-school. He was seated next to me on the first day, and it clicked instantly. He just went home with his parents, as he is part of the reason I am as good at freestyle skiing as I am, and I insisted on him joining for our celebration dinner.


    ¡°Ah, so you have a small fan-base already?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, not as big as I want it to be, but I¡¯m just getting started, right?¡± I flash him a cheeky grin and I think the guy really starts to like me, as he keeps sending me amused smiles.


    Mom and dad are seated at my sides and every so often I notice a proud smile on both their faces.


    Mass is lingering around in the background, with his best friend Louis, waiting for me to be ready and go home.


    Out of all four brothers, Mass is the only one that I actually get along with, despite the fact we have an age-gap of nearly six years.


    I¡¯m the accidental fifth son. I wasn¡¯t intended. My parents wanted three kids, and Mass and Mateo turned out as a twin, ending up with four.


    One drunken night in Milan, and I was created. And they ended up naming me after the city that I was conceived in. How ironic, how stupid.


    Though I like my name. It¡¯s cool. Way better than most boys¡¯ names.


    I mean, there¡¯s a Jan in my class and it¡¯s such a dull name.


    I could have had it worse.


    Mass is the only one of my brothers that is interested in my activities in skiing and besides my parents and Jacob, he¡¯s my biggest supporter, always willing to drive me everywhere since he got his drivers license.


    I end up answering another bunch of questions about myself, like what I want to become in the future ¨C doctor ¨C or if I pursue a dream of getting into the Olympics ¨C I¡¯m not sure. He asks me how school is dealing with my training-schedule, which is really professional and helpful since they give me as much time off to practice ever since I got entered into this tournament.


    And since I won, I bet they¡¯ll be even more lenient with their support.


    I am, after all, a promising talent.

 Friday, January 20th, 2017

    My rides for the day had never been better. My warming-up never been easier. My short opening run through the fun park went great. Everything went great. Somewhere behind me, Jacob was following me around while picking the easier routes down the slopes, all to videotape me while I did my thing.


    And somewhere that night, we would edit the videos into a new awesome compilation to post on YouTube and my personal website. On both, I had tons of followers, always excited whenever I showed a new trick, or head out to a new area to ski.


    If only I knew what was ahead of me in the near future.


    If only I knew I should¡¯ve skipped the fun park the third time we descended down the same route, trying to videotape new epic tricks.


    But I steered towards it, starting with the half-pipe at the very top of it, making sure there¡¯s not a living soul in my way of making a new awesome descent.


    I wait at the top until Jacob is able to catch up with me, him stopping below me with a huge grin on his face.


    ¡®It¡¯s epic so far, Mil.¡¯ He smirked, pointing towards the go-pro he¡¯s holding, right before he checks if mine is still right in it¡¯s place. ¡®I already have the perfect song to go under the new vid.¡¯


    ¡®I¡¯ll leave that up to you, as always.¡¯


    ¡®Right, well, let¡¯s make sure we show off your new outfit right before you start your tricks. The sponsors aren¡¯t sending you shit without you showing it off to the fans.¡¯


    ¡®They¡¯ll sue my ass if I won¡¯t advertise for them.¡¯ I chuckled and nodded, tapped my chest with a finger near the brand logo, while he turned the camera in the right direction. ¡®Lads, this jacket, I swear, brings luck. So far, today¡¯s been awesome, and I figured my brand-new outfit is magic.¡¯ I smirked daringly towards the camera, right before I turned my skis towards the start of the halfpipe, speeding up as I neared the entrance.Unauthorized usage: this tale is on Amazon without the author''s consent. Report any sightings.


    I started with easy tricks to speed up enough and did a more difficult trick by the third lift-off. I enjoyed the wind in my face, the cheering of Jacob in the background, and the overall feeling of freedom that always holds me in its grip whenever I¡¯m on my skis, doing whatever I want, days in a row.


    And two months from this day, I was actually going to compete in a tournament again. I was actually entered into a big tournament, to show off my abilities in the halfpipe to the bigger crowd.


    I was actually about to start making an even bigger career in skiing, not even sure if that was what I wanted to pursue the rest of my life.


    But I was having fun, and that was what was most important to me back then. I lived life while I still could.


    As I lifted of for the forth and last big jump, I decided on my favourite trick, only to have a near-heart attack once I saw another skier shoot through the halfpipe, at course of collision with none other then me, right after I was going to land.


    In surprise, and definitely due to the incapability of changing directions mid-air, I made the mistake of leaning the wrong way. It had been a futile attempt to change my directions after landing, but it had been too late.


    And before I knew, I hit the edge of the halfpipe as the other skier shoots by, being knocked over as I had no control over where I was going, and I slide against him on my way down.


    And I didn¡¯t even try to not hit him, because all I could think of, had been the unbearable pain that was radiating through my back, neck and head.


    When I came to a stop, the other guy jumped up in anger, shouting profanities at me while waving his hands in the air as the hot-head he was.


    But I simply laid still, closed my eyes, biting the pain while trying to fight the dizziness and the need to throw up.


    I vaguely heard Jacob¡¯s angry voice insulting the idiot who cut my off in my path, before I lose consciousness, knowing that things didn¡¯t look too good for me in that moment.

 Chapter 1 – The facts

    ¨C Monday, November 20th, 2017 ¨C


    ¡°That¡¯s Milan Lohmann.¡±


    I hear the whisper of a girl, as I pass by a group of girls, holding my head low. I¡¯ve never been insecure, or nervous about going to school. Once, I walked around these same hallways, known by everybody, in a good way.


    Everybody knew about my videos, everybody knew I was dating Cara, everybody knew I was on the verge of getting into a major soccer club andheading to the best university in the country. Everybody knew half, or more, of my clothes were donated by huge brands because they wanted me as their social influencer. They knew I was about to make it, in any direction I wanted.


    Now they know me because I¡¯m Milan Lohmann, the eighteen-year-old talented kid who got into a skiing accident, ending up with a broken back, broken neck and cluster headaches that could easily kill.


    It took me months to recover physically, all because some idiot wanted to use the halfpipe I was riding as a shortcut towards the restaurant.


    I have no idea what to do with my life at the moment. I won¡¯t get into the best university in the country ¨C as I¡¯m incapable to study as hard as I have to ¨C I¡¯m no longer dating Cara ¨C since she decided on coming out as bisexual, now dating a girl named Farah. And I am no longer capable of sporting at the same level I was previously, with soccer orskiing.


    What am I saying? I¡¯m not even capable of sporting in any level, in any sports.


    I¡¯m simply Milan Lohmann, the kid who had it all, and lost it all in the blink of an eye.


    I know there¡¯s rumours about what happened and up until today I refused to allow Jacob to upload the video material of the accident.


    At first, I didn¡¯t even know who Jacob was, or what had happened.


    At first, I didn¡¯t realise my crash was videotaped, or that I had a fanbase that went crazy over the fact I sort of disappeared.


    I only found out when my parents sued the guy who left me crumbled in the snow, because he was angry because ¡®I risked his life for fun¡¯. I found out a lot during the hearings, during the case, and that¡¯s where I¡¯ve seen the video for the first time ¨C and last time ¨C ever.


    By then, I did remember vaguely what had happened, but powerlessly watching myself plunge towards my fucked-up future wasn¡¯t a thing I would ever want to do again. I cried two days straight.


    And I knew I made a mistake too. I leaned the wrong way in a futile attempt to not collide with the hot-headed idiot. If I wouldn¡¯t have leaned the wrong way, I might have not broken my back. I might have collided with the guy, I might have injured him too, but things could¡¯ve ended better for me. But I leaned wrong, and my lower back was the first body part that hit the halfpipe, right on the edge. Despite the back protector I was wearing, I broke three vertebrae in the lower part of my back.


    And I broke my neck because it snapped back with force at the impact, hitting my head in the same process.


    But at least my helmet saved me from a worse head injury, though it left me with memory loss and killing headaches nonetheless.


    But there¡¯s no brain damage.


    I¡¯m still smart, I¡¯m still me. Just not the same.


    Just bedridden every so often, due to the massive headaches that keep haunting me, for nearly eight freaking months.


    And that¡¯s how long I haven¡¯t wandered around these hallways. That¡¯s how long I haven¡¯t seen Cara, or any of my friends beside Jacob.


    And not because they didn¡¯t show any interest, because they did. But because I didn¡¯t want to be pitied over. I didn¡¯t want to face them, feel shitty because I know they now all feel sorry for me.


    At least my fame didn¡¯t leave me without real friends. My fifteen minutes of fame never interfered with my personal life. My friends were the guys I knew ever since pre-school.


    Jacob, Evert, William and Fredrik.


    They have always been there for me, before the fame, during the fame, and still after I disappeared from Social Media and pulled my website offline.


    I know it was hard for Jacob to pull the website offline while he¡¯s been building it for years in a row already.


    But I insisted, worried he might still post the video on my website anyway. Evidently, once I was capable of, I changed the password to the YouTube channel, after I found out the video was already on there, just not shared with the world to see. Jacob was just waiting for a moment in which I would allow him to post it.


    All of my friends told me numerous of times that comments kept coming in on the YouTube channel with questions where I¡¯ve went, why I stopped, when a new video is going to get up.


    Never have I responded, because I simply am incapable of responding without crying like a baby once again.


    Which will give me a headache.


    Which will leave me bedridden for days.


    No thank you.


    I would¡¯ve let Jacob handle it for me, like he always used to, but that would mean I¡¯d have to give him the new password and he could post the video that I do not want online for the world to see.


    And now, everywhere I go, everywhere I walk, I hear the whispers.


    And what maybe sucks the most, is the fact I have to retake my year in highschool, since school simply came to a stop for the past eight months. I¡¯m sort of picking up where I left.


    As if time stood still, while everybody kept moving anyway. And I lost my advantage of skipping a year in middle school because I was considered ahead of my age.


    ¡°Hey Milan.¡± It¡¯s Cara¡¯s sweet voice, waking me up from my train of thoughts as I was trying to find my locker.


    I can¡¯t remember which mine was.


    ¡°Hey, Cara¡­¡± I turn to look at her, feeling a bit lost.


    ¡°You¡¯re back in school.¡± She points out the obvious and I simply nod in response. ¡°You look good.¡±The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement.


    ¡°Thanks, I guess.¡± I shrug, showing her a small smile. ¡°You do too. How are things with Farah?¡±


    ¡°Good!¡± She smiles widely, visibly glad I picked a subject that isn¡¯t as awkward as any other subject. I think it¡¯s probably the only subject we could talk about, that hasn¡¯t got anything to do with my accident. It¡¯s a subject that isn¡¯t altered by the accident.


    Because when Cara and I dated ¨C we weren¡¯t officially together ¨C we dated to keep up appearance.


    We dated each other because we were both too afraid to tell the world the truth. Because while Cara is ¨C now openly ¨C bisexual, I am in fact almost certain I am gay. We didn¡¯t know, until we met in a gay club a town over. I went there without anyone knowing, and I bumped into Cara.


    We had been each others charade for months.


    But Cara is now out and proud, dating a girl that I remember vaguely as sweet and caring, just like Cara.


    Caring Cara. My sweet, sort of ex-girlfriend.


    And I¡¯m still in the closet, because my sexuality has been the least of my worries in the past months.


    Only my brother Mass knows, and he¡¯s my go-to guy whenever I want to rant about being in the closet, wanting a boyfriend, and my small crush with a local talented skier, who ¨C by the way ¨C hates my guts because local news reporters keep comparing him to me, and stating I was better.


    They know where I went, as they wanted to do a report about my accident. Thankfully, my parents held them back from doing so, stating I wanted my privacy.


    ¡°So, I actually wanted to thank you¡­¡± Cara drawls, grabbing my wrist, pulling me somewhere else. ¡°For wanting to help me deal with my feelings. You¡¯ve been my inspiration to live life the way I want.¡±


    ¡°Since you still can.¡± I fill in the blank she left at the end of her sentence.


    She nods with a weary smile.


    ¡°Your locker is here.¡± As if she knows I couldn¡¯t find my locker. As if she knows what¡¯s inside my head. ¡°And if you ever need anything, just let me know.¡±


    ¡°I will, thanks Cara. I am going to miss our fun dates.¡± Even though I can¡¯t remember half of them. I do remember how much fun we always used to have. She is my soulmate, just not in the right body to be with in a romantic way. It¡¯s purely platonic love for a girl that has supported me in many ways.


    Just part of a past that I can no longer live since I¡¯m still not even close to being healed.


    If I will ever heal.


    * * * * *


    ¡°I swear Cara still has feelings for you.¡± Fredrik nudges me as we¡¯re seated at the lunch table after a very weird morning in school. ¡°She keeps looking your way.¡±


    ¡°She¡¯s just keeping an eye on me because I¡¯m a bit absent-minded,¡± I respond with a shrug. ¡°She¡¯s just being a good friend.¡±


    And I know they all are trying to be the best friends right now. Jacob has been late in two classes, because he waited for me, and walked with me. But since I really am absent-minded, everything seems to take me at least twice as much time as it used to.


    ¡°Are you capable of joining P.E. or are you sitting it out?¡± Fredrik casually asks, staring at his phone as he is texting with his girlfriend.


    ¡°I can¡¯t play sport,¡± I snap at him in annoyance. ¡°Why won¡¯t you remember I can¡¯t? I don¡¯t want to repeat it every hour of every day.¡±


    ¡°Right, sorry.¡± He looks up shortly, with a look full of pity, that annoys me even further.


    ¡°Whatever,¡± I mutter while slumping down in my seat a bit more. ¡°I wish today would be over and I can get back to doing nothing.¡±


    ¡°Maybe we can hang out with the five of us,¡± Evert suggests with doubt evident in his voice. ¡°No girlfriends, just us, like we used to.¡±


    ¡°And do what?¡± Jacob rolls his eyes, knowing I¡¯m not really capable of doing much of the things we used to do.


    ¡°I have therapy after school, and I think I need the whole evening to do homework.¡±


    ¡°We could do homework together.¡± Jacob suggests with a shrug. ¡°I could help you out with typing.¡±


    ¡°That isn¡¯t a bad idea, really,¡± I answer gratefully.


    ¡°So, is there any progress?¡± William asks with interest evident in his eyes. He genuinely wants to know if I ever get better. Not because he pities me, but because he wants the best for all of us.


    ¡°Some, mostly with my back and neck. The headaches I have will probably stay. I just have to find a balance to prevent from doing something that causes another episode.¡± I shrug again, trying to lighten the subject by pretending it¡¯s not a big deal. But it is a big deal and we all know.


    I was accepted into the best university in the country because I worked hard to get there. But the accident ruined that, and the headaches prevent me from studying as hard as I did. For now, I¡¯m incapable of reaching the same level in school, so I had to cancel my application to Stuyvesant University.


    I had to quit soccer, I had to quit skiing. I can¡¯t game with the guys, I can¡¯t go to a club or stay in busy places for too long.


    I¡¯ll be exhausted once I¡¯m home because of the sensory overload in school. And I still have to do my homework, while I can¡¯t sit behind a computer screen for longer then half an hour.


    For the past eight months, I filled up my time either with therapy sessions, doctor visits, or resting, from either of those.


    Jacob visited me every other day to keep me company, but half the times he visited, he left shortly after arriving, because I had already been asleep.


    ¡°Just let us know if you need us to help with anything.¡± Fredrik pats my shoulder carefully. ¡°Like type out your homework or whatever.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ll keep that in mind, thanks guys.¡± I nod, appreciating them offering me help. I know I probably will need their help anyway.


    I have to pass the year. I have to graduate. If I graduate, I can take a gap year and work on further recovery without fuzzing over school or work.


    * * * * *


    ¡°Your dad and I have been thinking,¡± Mom starts talking as she takes a seat beside me on the couch, where I¡¯m laying down with a wet towel over my head. My study-session with Jacob lasted too long, and I have a beginning headache. ¡°We always go on vacation during Christmas break to wintersport areas you pick, but why don¡¯t we pick another sort of vacation?¡±


    ¡°Like? I thought we would just stay home this year, since we don¡¯t have much money left to spend.¡± Which is because all money is spent on my therapy sessions, my recovery, because of my accident.


    ¡°My parents have been talking about going to Mexico¡­¡±


    ¡°I can¡¯t sit on a plain for a day, mom.¡± I groan in annoyance.


    ¡°And they saved up a lot of money.¡± She continues as if I didn¡¯t interrupt. ¡°Remember how you and your father always wanted to go to Iceland?¡±


    ¡°You want to go to Iceland?¡±


    ¡°If you think you can handle the trip. It¡¯s not that long¡­ we could take your condition into consideration and plan a resting day the first day.¡±


    ¡°I mean, I would have to talk to doctor Henderson first¡­¡± I drawl, pushing the towel away from my eyes to look at her. ¡°If he thinks I could survive the flight, I think it would be cool.¡±


    ¡°So, let¡¯s schedule a meeting with him and ask him about the possibilities.¡± She smiles and pats my knee shortly. ¡°Just get out of here for two weeks, with my parents and your brothers¡­¡±


    ¡°All of them?¡± I scrunch up my nose in annoyance. ¡°I can¡¯t stand sitting in a plain with Leo for too long.¡±


    ¡°He¡¯s done a lot to help us out the past months, you too. I know you and Leo are like fire and ice, but we¡¯re a family and I want to go on a vacation with the whole family for once. You know how I feel about the fact I have no contact with my brother.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s because you felt like Neo was affecting me when we were kids.¡±


    ¡°And he was, because you started copying his behaviour.¡±


    ¡°Because I didn¡¯t want him to be uncomfortable or feel as an outcast.¡± I roll my eyes, regretting it as it hurts to move them. ¡°Neo is cool, mom, just¡­ different.¡±


    ¡°And I still think Caroline should¡¯ve agreed she should¡¯ve done more to keep him from acting that way. If she would¡¯ve corrected him a bit more, he might¡¯ve not been this way in the first place.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s her son, not yours. You have five as it is already, that¡¯s plenty, huh?¡±


    ¡°And I tried talking to her, but that¡¯s not the point.¡± She shakes her head disapprovingly, ¡°I miss my brother and I wish you guys would be a bit closer.¡±


    ¡°Leo and I are nearly nine years apart in age.¡±


    ¡°You and Romeo are eleven years apart and better friends.¡±


    ¡°Because Romeo is more of an adult. Leo is such a baby.¡± Don¡¯t get me wrong, I love all of my brothers. Leo is just a bit spoiled, or at least, acting that way. Right after my accident, mom and dad had their hands full on helping me in any way possible and they couldn¡¯t go to his graduation because I had a surgery the day before. They were with me and he had a huge tantrum over it.


    He should just grow up and realize we¡¯re with five, and my parents do everything they can to divide their attention over all of us as equally as possible.


    ¡°Well,¡± Mom sighs deeply, putting the towel back in place. ¡°We¡¯ll talk to doctor Henderson first, and see who goes and who won¡¯t if we know what you¡¯re capable of.¡±


    ¡°Sounds like a great plan to me, mom.¡± I smile, knowing she can see the smile, despite the fact half of my face is covered with the wet towel. ¡°Now, could you get me my painkillers? I think I¡¯m about to have another episode.¡±


    ¡°Off course, honey.¡± She suddenly sounds tired and sad and I get why. It hasn¡¯t been easy for my parents to see me this way. There¡¯s really not much they can do to help me during an episode and I bet it¡¯s killing them to see me in agony.


    And the fact I feel an episode coming up, makes her feel useless because there¡¯s nothing she can do to prevent it from getting worse in the upcoming hours.


    But I guess this is life now, and we all have to adjust and learn to live with it.