《Flawsome》


 Chapter 1 – On my nerves

    Monday, November 7<sup>th</sup>, 2016


    For me, there¡¯s nothing worse than feeling dependent on other¡¯s helping me out. It¡¯s not so much the fact I hate feeling dependent, because in all honesty, I am dependent on a lot of things I can¡¯t control.


    Let¡¯s say I¡¯m used to being dependent.


    It¡¯s the fact that when there¡¯s any uncontrollable variable capable of messing with whoever I¡¯m depending on, the rest of my day will depend on it too.


    See, lot of dependence.


    For instance, take today. My sister Pyper is ill, and she¡¯s ill every so often. It¡¯s one of those things I¡¯m sort of used to.


    But I depend on her putting out my outfit for the day on my bed while I¡¯m in the shower. Mom already placed towels, underwear and whatnot on the rack in the bathroom the evening before. But today, I came out of the shower, to find my sister moving around my room as if she¡¯s dying, coughing, whimpering, whining in discomfort.


    ¡°You¡¯re getting germs all over my clothes.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m trying, Ne,¡± She whispers sadly. ¡°Can you just give me a sec?¡±


    ¡°Uhm, no,¡± I mutter in response, jumpy in my spot as my skin starts to tingle.


    Don¡¯t you for a second think I¡¯m spoiled or bratty, demanding them to do these things for me. Let¡¯s just say that experience shows this makes all of our mornings a whole lot easier.


    ¡°I just have to get you a sweater. I heard there¡¯s gonna be a thunderstorm and I don¡¯t want you to catch a cold.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ll catch a cold if I¡¯ll stand here for another couple of seconds, without clothes to keep me warm.¡± It sounds snappy, but she¡¯s already throwing me off my regular path of habits and I don¡¯t want to blame her ¨C she¡¯s sick ¨C but I can¡¯t help but feeling a bit restless already.


    I bet this is going to be a bad day.


    ¡°Grab the sweater from The Cavern Club that you love so much.¡± She turns around, smiling unsurely. ¡°It¡¯ll fit with the shoes I picked.¡±


    ¡°Are you sure?¡±


    ¡°One hundred percent.¡± She nods happily, ending up in another coughing fit. ¡°I¡¯m going back to bed. Just remember to ignore those shitheads. I¡¯ll get back at them once my own lungs aren¡¯t trying to drown me in their disgusting fluids.¡±


    I can¡¯t help but chuckle and nod back at her, moving to start dressing as soon as she left the room and closed the door.


    I grab the sweater she told me to grab, hoisting the backpack I prepared in the evening onto my left shoulder, putting on the shoes that she picked right before I head over to the door. ¡°Please, don¡¯t let Pyper¡¯s timing be a bad omen for today.¡± I shortly look upwards to wish upon an invisible figure people worship, taking in a deep breath, tapping the light switch a couple of times, before flicking it off, all in the same upbeat tempo ¨C we will, we will, rock you.


    Don¡¯t ask.


    Let¡¯s just be thankful I was able to execute it perfectly, casting a darkness over my room, before I open the door and head downstairs.


    ¡°Morning, sweety.¡± Mom greets me with a smile, waiting for me to enter the kitchen while skipping the first two tiles, sitting down in my regular spot at the table. ¡°A good morning, I assume?¡±


    ¡°Could be better, could be worse. Pyper is ill.¡±


    ¡°I know, we¡¯re heading over to the hospital today. They want to take x-rays to make sure she doesn¡¯t need any further treatment.¡±


    ¡°When are you going?¡±


    ¡°Long after you¡¯re out for school.¡± She takes in a controlled breath, before she moves, first placing my plate, then my drink and lastly, my lunch. ¡°And if anything is wrong, you can always call me. Dad is joining us in hospital, so he¡¯ll be able to stay with Pyper whenever I have to go and get you.¡±


    ¡°You are dropping me off, right?¡± I nearly panic at the thought of having to walk there, or worse, take the bus. I don¡¯t think I¡¯ll ever make it to school if I have to execute either of those forms of transportation.


    ¡°Off course, honey.¡± She nods, shortly biting her lip.


    ¡°Then who¡¯s watching Pyper?¡±


    ¡°Honey, you know you shouldn¡¯t fuzz over those things. We take care of her, while we make sure your day will start off the right way.¡±


    I want to protest, but I also know that it would be ungrateful to whine that she¡¯s not explaining things to me. She¡¯ll be the one who has to clean up the mess if she throws me off guard, not me.


    ¡°Just eat breakfast.¡±


    I nod, cutting my bread in four pieces before I take my first bite, resolving in silence while mom does the dishes that have been left by her and dad, who had breakfast while I was in the shower.


    ¡°Oh, honey?¡± mom addresses me right before she turns around to look at me. ¡°School send a letter to announce another field trip. If you¡¯re home after school, read into the details and let me know if you think you can go, or need a replacing activity at home or in school.¡±


    ¡°Will do.¡± I nod, tapping my finger on the table in between every bite or sip of drink, three times, every time.


    ¡°Do you want me to let you know about Pyper¡¯s treatment right away, or once you¡¯re home again?¡±


    ¡°When I¡¯m home.¡± I tell her after the last bite of bread. ¡°I¡¯m a teeny-tiny bit restless and I think it might send me over the edge if something is wrong. Best to let that happen when I¡¯m in the safety of our home.¡±


    ¡°I can send you a text if it¡¯s good.¡±


    ¡°No.¡± I shake my head fiercely. ¡°If you¡¯ll send a text when it¡¯s good news, I¡¯ll know it¡¯s bad if I don¡¯t get a text.¡±


    ¡°Right.¡± She chuckles. ¡°How silly of me.¡± She returns to looking serious towards me. ¡°I know these days aren¡¯t your best days. Just remember what doctor Telham told you. ¡°You don¡¯t have¡­¡±¨C¡±


    ¡®¨C power to change Pyper¡¯s health.¡± I finish her sentence, and with that, doctor Telham¡¯s saying.


    ¡°Are you wearing your wristband?¡±


    ¡°No, it wasn¡¯t really helping.¡± I mutter ashamed. ¡°I only started another tic with it. Slapping it trice every time I thought the wrong things.¡±


    She pulls a face, disapproving on one hand, but accepting my decision to no longer wear a rubber band around my wrist, to snap it whenever I think the wrong way. It only resulted in more habits, in more tics, and in a very painful wrist.


    And even more for the rest of my classmates to laugh about.


    ¡°Are you finished with breakfast?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, just have to wash my hands and we can go.¡±


    * * * * *


    It had been a bad omen. Pyper¡¯s illness, her completely off timing was. I should have stayed home.Love what you''re reading? Discover and support the author on the platform they originally published on.


    As if my life isn¡¯t hard enough with all off my irky, tics and compulsory subsequent habits, there¡¯s also the fellow students attending Haven Highschool.


    They always know how to make my blood boil, how to throw me off completely.


    On some days, they even know how to provoke a full on panic attack.


    And today might be a day that fits the last category perfectly.


    I swallow, standing in the door opening, staring at Luke and Jimmy, grinning evilly at me while I stare at the floor in front of the door, inside the classroom. Normally, there¡¯s a desk shoved against the wall, and I skip the floor of a full desk length that is there for pure measurement. Off course, if there wouldn¡¯t be a desk, I wouldn¡¯t have to skip, but school refused to adjust any and all to suit my likings and settle my nerves. They told my mom, when she requested alterations, that life will get in my way more often and that avoiding all situations isn¡¯t going to solve my problems.


    They¡¯re right, I know. Doctor Pelham agrees too that not everything should be altered to feed my angsts.


    But today, they didalter the classroom, Jimmy and Luke, that is.


    The teachers desk, which is at least twice the length of a regular desk, is the one that is shoved against the wall, right beside the door.


    I swallow, a panicky feeling rising, while I contemplate on taking a few meters to jump, or to wait until the teacher is there to save the day.


    They¡¯ll either laugh since I¡¯m not the most athletic person in the world and jumping will probably result in them calling me a prima ballerina again ¨C for god knows how long ¨C or they¡¯ll call me a teacher¡¯s pet, which is my current nickname anyway, since I got Luke in detention without even doing or saying anything.


    Off all days, did they have to do this today? Today, on which everything has to be perfect, or Pyper¡¯s tests will come back with the worst possible outcome.


    No, bad thought.


    I can¡¯t control the outcome.


    I subconsciously move my right hand towards my left wrist, to pull the rubber band, which is no longer there.


    Luke and Jimmy both hit each other, pointing towards my wrist while laughing over it. ¡°Look, the freak is freaking out again.¡± Luke laughs loudly, soon joined by some other students who are our audience on this dreadful morning. I look down, feeling a bit embarrassed, wishing doctor Pelham would¡¯ve never given me the rubber band to begin with. I should have known it wasn¡¯t a good idea.


    ¡°What¡¯s wrong, Faulty Favre?¡± Jimmy hollers at me, sort of trying to cheer me on to make the jump. ¡°Show us your beautiful Grand Jet¨¦.¡±


    I can¡¯t help but snap my head upwards to frown in his direction. ¡°You do realize it¡¯s kinda girly to know what a Grand Jet¨¦ is, right?¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t be a little know it all.¡± He snaps back in annoyance, his face flushing nonetheless. ¡°Obviously, you know what I mean too.¡±


    ¡°My sister is in ballet. Sadly, every so often I¡¯m forced to watch recitals.¡± I shrug carelessly. ¡°Besides, I¡¯m not the one pretending to be a big, strong, tough guy.¡±


    ¡°No, you¡¯re Faulty Favre.¡± Luke stares at me in anger. ¡°You don¡¯t have to pretend, you would never be able to pull of acting like a normalguy.¡±


    ¡°Luke, last warning, already. And it¡¯s only the first class on Monday.¡± Mrs. Tilly shows up at my side, looking from Jimmy and Luke, to me ¨C still in the doorway ¨C towards the table. She takes a deep breath, patting my shoulder comfortingly. ¡°And put my desk back where it belongs,now.¡±


    She walks past me, flicking her fingers to tell them to move it fast. Only then do I notice a guy our age is with her, walking inside the classroom casually, sparking a bit of jealousy because he¡¯s able to walk in carefree.


    ¡°Neo, whenever you¡¯re ready¡­¡± She gestures towards my still empty desk. And as soon as Jimmy and Luke escorted the desk back to its original place, with a lot of comments along the way, I skip over the space that is now the length of a regular desk. I¡¯m carefully walking towards my desk, careful not to line my feet with the desks legs, taking in a deep breath before I start grabbing the right books from out of my backpack.


    ¡°Class, we have a new student joining us today,¡± Mrs. Tilly starts talking, causing me to look towards the new guy from the corner of my eyes. He¡¯s curiously following my every movement, while Mrs. Tilly introduces him as Calo Delgado. ¡°Calo, please take a seat next to Neo. It¡¯s the only available desk.¡±


    Did she have to point out the fact I¡¯m the freak who doesn¡¯t have anyone to sit with during class? I send her a cold look, sitting down in my seat after I placed my book, my notebook and my pencils in the right place. I open my notebook to take notes while Calo takes a seat next to me. I ignore the mess he instantly creates on his desk. As long as it does not cross the line of my desk, all accidents will be on him, and him solely.


    Pyper¡¯s health won¡¯t be affected.


    ¡°Hey, I¡¯m Calo.¡±


    ¡°Hey, I¡¯m not deaf.¡± I look at the hand he¡¯s offering me, an uneasy feeling settling in the pit of my stomach, while I swallow.


    ¡°I can tell.¡± Calo chuckles, dropping his hand on his desk, a short frown flashing in his eyes. He recovers quickly, probably because he¡¯s now shamelessly staring from my organized desk towards the mess on his own.


    He moves the backpack to the side, dropping it on the floor, causing Mrs. Tilly to shortly look in our direction with a hint of disapproval in her eyes, before she heads on with whatever she¡¯s explaining right now.


    I¡¯m not paying attention, because Calo is distracting me. I¡¯ve never sat with anyone beside me ever since people noticed my irky habits on the first day of school, and I instantly became a target for bullies all over school.


    Rumours travel fast and before the day had ended, everybody knew me by my most-used nickname; Faulty Favre.


    ¡°Nice jump, spectacular entr¨¦e on an early Monday morning.¡±


    I send him an annoyed look, trying to catch up with Mrs. Tilly¡¯s explanation about the homework we had to make during the weekend.


    ¡°You have a very neat handwriting, for a boy.¡± He pulls the notebook towards him.


    Is he like five? Can¡¯t he for a second pay attention? Does he not know to keep his filthy fingers off other people¡¯s stuff.


    I pull the notebook back, placing it back in the right spot, sending him an angry glare, pointing towards Mrs. Tilly.


    He smirks, staring at the notebook, before he moves to push it out of its spot as soon as I moved to grab my disinfecting lube to clean my hands after him touching my stuff.


    I slap his hand away, pulling the notebook back to its place. This continues for about four times, him constantly pushing the notebook aside, me constantly pulling it back to its supposed place.


    I slam my hands on the notebook as soon as Calo tried to move it again, catching the attention of everybody, including an annoyed Mrs. Tilly.


    ¡°Care to tell us what is more important? Neo? Calo?¡± She looks at us, while Calo smiles a sweet smile, shrugging.


    ¡°I wanted to read along with Neo¡¯s homework. Since, you know, I didn¡¯t make it.¡±


    ¡°Neo, let him read along.¡±


    I want to protest his lie, because he obviously hasn¡¯t shown any interest in my homework, other than telling me my handwriting is very ¡°neat¡±, for a guy. But Mrs. Tilly already turned back towards the class to go on with the lesson.


    ¡°You didn¡¯t try to read my homework.¡± I his at him, slapping his hand away as soon as he moved to touch my notebook again. ¡°Stop touching it, or me.¡±


    ¡°Why? I don¡¯t have an infectious disease if that¡¯s what you think.¡± Calo chuckles.


    ¡°Who says I¡¯m not infected?¡± I deadpan. ¡°Stop. Touching. My. Stuff.¡±


    ¡°Neo, Calo!¡± Mrs. Tilly sounds tired and annoyed. ¡°Last warning, for the both of you. Stop talking.¡±


    I¡¯m fuming in anger, staring at her in disbelief. ¡°He¡¯s distracting me, Mrs. Tilly.¡±


    ¡°Calo, Neo, both pay attention.¡± She ignores my protest, causing me to huff, sulking like a little kid, pouting with crossed arms.


    Calo ¨C again ¨C chuckles, but turning around to listen to Mrs. Tilly nonetheless.


    He manages to pay attention for about five minutes, but then he flicks a finger at my notebook, causing it to slightly move.


    ¡°Stop touching it!¡± I shout, slamming my hand back on my notebook.


    The whole class is now staring at us, wondering what caused me to shout.


    Calo is just curiously watching me place the notebook back in the right spot.


    ¡°Neo, principals office, now.¡±


    ¡°What!?¡± I stare at her in disbelief. ¡°Calo wouldn¡¯t stop touching my stuff¡­¡±


    ¡°Calo needs to read along with your homework to know where we are.¡±


    ¡°He¡¯s not reading along!¡± I protest, refusing to get send to the principals office because of the guy next to me acting like a freaking toddler.


    ¡°Principals office, now.¡± She points towards the door in annoyance.


    ¡°God! You¡¯re intolerable, you know?¡± I snap at Calo, my hands shaking a bit due to shock. I¡¯ve never been send out of class before.


    Is this yet another omen that this day will be a bad day?


    Should I just throw in the towel before things get out of hand?


    I¡¯m full on shaking, fighting back tears that start to blur my vision. Gone is my perfect record. Not for attendance, I probably have the worst record in school for that, but for not being send out ever before.


    He¡¯s here for ten minutes, and he completely thrown my life upside down.


    ¡°Neo, now.¡± Mrs¡¯ Tilly impatiently taps her foot, still pointing towards the door, as I am doing my best to grab my stuff as quick as possible. First the book, in the right spot in my back, making sure it¡¯ll not put it off balance by putting a smaller book behind a larger one. Then the notebook, the purple one in between a red and blue. ¡°Neo, I don¡¯t have all day.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m doing my best! Okay!¡± I cry out, biting my lip as soon as shock hits me that I shouted at a teacher. Oh god, great work, Neo. Not only did you get send out of class, but you shouted at a teacher too. What¡¯s next? Detention?


    Probably.


    Since the principal will punish my bad behaviour by giving me detention.


    ¡°Oh, Calo, we forgot to mention, Neo is a bit a freak¡­¡± Luke laughs, Jimmy and some others joining. Some try to hide it, some laughing right at me in my face.


    ¡°Luke, principals office, now.¡± Mrs. Tilly stares at him in anger. ¡°We do not tolerate such name-calling and you know we don¡¯t.¡±


    ¡°Whatever.¡± Luke grumbles, throwing his stuff in his bag as I stand up from my seat, pulling the backpack onto my right shoulder, but in the wrong tempo. I swallow, debating if I should redo this, or give up the day and run out so that I won¡¯t break down in front of the class.


    ¡°Hey, Neo, look!¡± Luke calls towards me. ¡°This is how fast you can leave a classroom if you¡¯re normal!¡±


    ¡°Luke!¡±


    I really want to cry right now, while an unnerving feeling is settling inside me. This day had to be flawless. Pyper needed me to have a flawless day.


    I sit back down, before I get up, pulling the back up with me, now in the right movement, swallowing as I start to have trouble to hide the upcoming tears. I feel Calo¡¯s eyes burn while they curiously watch the whole debacle unwind in front of them. I walk slowly but steadily, watching each placement of my feet carefully, jumping the last half a meter until I¡¯m in the hallway.


    Thank god, Luke decided not to wait for me, and as soon as the door closes behind me, I slump down against the wall, crying, while retrieving my phone from my pocket with shaky hands, calling mom.


    ¡°Honey?¡±


    ¡°Mom? Can you pick me up?¡±

 Chapter 2 – Defining the name

    Monday, November 7th, 2016


    I¡¯m curled up in bed, trying to hide myself from the world. Not that anyone is here to see me. Not that anyone cares to look at me. They don¡¯t want to look at a freak like me.


    I fuck up everything anyway, so it¡¯s best to stay away from me as far as possible. I fucked up the one day that had to be flawless, all because Luke and Jimmy just had to pick today to step up their game a bit, taunting me by using my habits against me. Most of the days, they resolve in laughing at me, calling me names. Some days, they decide to provoke my panic-attacks and I hate them for picking this day.


    To make matters worse, mom and dad sat me down when dad got back from hospital, telling me that Pyper has to stay over for treatment.


    Pyper is fighting an autoimmune disease, shortly called Lupus. It developed early and two ears ago, a butterfly formed rash on her face was reason for concern when mom first took her to a doctor.


    Nowadays, it¡¯s mostly her lungs that suffer from the disease, causing acute Pneumonitis, which then causes scarring on her lungs.


    I can¡¯t help but feel like my shitty day, my lack of executing things the right way, caused the bad outcome of the tests they ran to see if medication was helping her in any way.


    Then again, I would have been able to do things the right way, if Luke, Jimmy and Calo would¡¯ve left me alone today.


    If Mrs. Tilly would¡¯ve listened to me.


    If the principal wouldn¡¯t have told me that I have detention on Friday, despite my mom trying to talk him out of it.


    Bad behaviour needs to be corrected, according to principal Jerkhead Jameson.


    I didn¡¯t come up with that name, Jimmy did.


    ¡°Neo, sweety?¡± Mom¡¯s voice sounds in a whisper behind me. ¡°You have to eat something.¡±


    ¡°No, I don¡¯t.¡±


    ¡°Yes, you do, sweety.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not leaving my bed.¡±


    ¡°Do you want me to bring it ¨C¡±


    ¡°God no!¡± I call out in fear. ¡°No, no, just leave. I¡¯m fine.¡±


    ¡°No, honey, you¡¯re obviously not.¡± She pulls away the cover, instantly meeting my tearstained face with her sad eyes. ¡°I don¡¯t want you to ever, for a second, think that Pyper¡¯s health issues have anything to do with your bad days.¡± She moves to touch me, but one frightened look is enough to stop her hand mid-air.


    ¡°It is my fault mom!¡± I cry out. ¡°I couldn¡¯t do anything right and now look at what happened! It¡¯s all my fault.¡± I grab hold of my hair, pulling it painfully hard as to sort of punish myself. ¡°I hate myself. I hate it, I hate it¡­¡±


    ¡°Neo! Stop it.¡± Mom grabs my wrists, forcing me to let go of my hair. ¡°It¡¯s not your fault. The tests had been done two weeks ago, the outcomes don¡¯t have anything to do with what happens to you.¡±


    ¡°But it¡¯s true, mom! I haven¡¯t had such a bad day in weeks. One bad day, once failing to do literally anything right, and all hell breaks loose.¡±


    Mom shakes her head, cupping my face. ¡°It¡¯s getting worse again, isn¡¯t it? Tell me the truth.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s not worse¡­¡±


    ¡°Neo?¡±


    ¡°Maybe a bit¡­¡±


    ¡°How about we make a new appointment with doctor Pelham? I told you it was too early to stop.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s not helping mom. He doesn¡¯t know how to help me.¡±


    ¡°I think it was helping, it¡¯s just baby-steps and off course you won¡¯t see the results right away.¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t like him.¡± I push her hands off my face, turning away from her. ¡°I¡¯m not going back.¡±


    I can hear her taking a deep breath, knowing she¡¯s exhausted already after having to sit at home with me, waiting for any news about Pyper nervously.


    Sometimes I think she wouldn¡¯t mind if I wouldn¡¯t be here. It would sure make their lives a whole lot easier.


    ¡°Okay sweety, I¡¯m not going to force you to do anything you don¡¯t want. But then at least let me look into another doctor.¡±


    Like that¡¯ll help. They all failed to help me. Doctor Pelham had been the fourth doctor that I had therapy with, that wasn¡¯t able to help me. Calm me down a bit? Yes. Help me? Not at all.


    I know I will never completely heal. Things might get easier, things might get less obvious. But the thoughts will always be there. The feeling, the knowing what will happen, will always be there.


    Today is just proving my point.


    And as long as there¡¯s going to be people like Jimmy, Luke, Calo, those who do not have a single clue of what it¡¯s really like, who will taunt me, provoke me, bully me? As long as they exist, I won¡¯t be able to move forward, to feel a bit normal.


    ¡°Fine,¡± is my simple response, knowing I have to at least stop working against my mother¡¯s attempts to help me. She wants what best for me.


    Then again, she wants what¡¯s best for all of us; me to heal and stop controlling every aspect of our lives. She wants to be able to fully focus on Pyper¡¯s needs, instead of being torn between a physically dysfunctional daughter, and a mentally dysfunctional son.


    I bet my parents sometimes wish they would¡¯ve never had children at all. It¡¯s as if they¡¯re cursed, and Pyper and I are the ones carrying the burden to punish them by torturing them with the disability to really help us.


    I¡¯m the oldest, nearing the age of seventeen, while Pyper just turned fifteen. But in between Pyper and me, there should¡¯ve been two more kids. Mom was pregnant with another boy but had to end the pregnancy because he died while still in her womb. Oscar was born after merely five months. Then there was Pyper¡¯s twin sister Ryann, who died two hours after birth due to underdeveloped lungs. They tried everything they could, but while treatment work with Pyper, her twin sister didn¡¯t make it.


    Which only adds to my trouble, because three times is a charm. Pyper was supposed to be my third sibling, not the first. And she was the only one strong enough to survive the curse that is affecting my parents¡¯ ability to have children.


    They wanted more, but let¡¯s say, after Ryann died, they had to take a break and focus on us. But the time they were ready again, Pyper started having minor problems and the idea of another kid was put on hold.


    They never started about it again because I guess they figured we are both dysfunctional in some way and a third kid would only add to the chaos.


    They can divide over the two of us, a third would make it impossible.


    By now, and probably caused by my lack of response, mom left the room again and I simply turn around, pull the cover back over my head and pretend to not be here for a while.


    Everybody could use a break from me anyway.


    Wednesday, November 9th, 2016


    I know Pyper isn¡¯t home, so it¡¯s surprising in the least to have someone put out an outfit ready for me while I¡¯m in the shower, causing my day ¨C that I really dread ¨C to start of better than I expected.This novel is published on a different platform. Support the original author by finding the official source.


    There¡¯s a small note on top of the clothes, signed by none other than Pyper herself;


    I might not be the one to grab you your clothes but know that I did pick them. I just instructed mom to grab the right clothes and put them in the right place. Don¡¯t get used to being spoiled as an only child. I will be back soon to annoy the hell out of you!


    Love, Pyper


    I smile down towards the note, before I look towards the clothes with an even wider smile. Even in hospital, she¡¯s trying everything to at least help me get through the day. I might not always like her, I don¡¯t know what I would¡¯ve done without Pyper and her habit of protecting me in any possible way.


    I dress up, lift the backpack to my shoulder and head over to the light switch. I tap the right rhythm, flicking it off with the last tap, smiling as I nailed the beat.


    Let¡¯s say this morning is going better than I had in a while and I have to refrain from skipping towards the stairs. There¡¯s still a lot of hours in today, so let¡¯s not get ahead of myself. Still a lot of obstacles to overcome.


    I skip the first two tiles in front of the kitchen door, walking towards my seat while mom smiles at the sight of my very own morning smile.


    ¡°Morning, sweety.¡± Mom greets me. ¡°A good morning, I assume?¡±


    ¡°Yes, thanks to Pyper¡¯s note, I think.¡±


    ¡°Good.¡± She smiles happily, placing my plate in front of me, followed by the drink and last, my lunch. ¡°I¡¯m heading over there after I dropped you off in school and I¡¯ll be sure to tell her that her note helped.¡±


    ¡°Thanks.¡±


    ¡°Did you read the letter about the field trip?¡± She asks while I cut my bread in four equal pieces.


    ¡°Yeah, not going.¡± I shake my head, shuddering at the thought of having to go to a museum about the stone age. ¡°The last time I went to one of those museums, I couldn¡¯t leave a room because they think mosaic is a great floor pattern.¡±


    ¡°Right, I¡¯ll call school and ask them about a replacing assignment. Maybe we can agree on you making another photo series.¡±


    ¡°That would be great.¡± I nod happily. ¡°But I think they¡¯re getting a bit sick of having to look at the photos I take.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ll call, you don¡¯t have to worry about it. I¡¯ll be sure to get you something that fits your interests and helps you develop.¡±


    ¡°Thanks, mom.¡±


    She takes in a content smile, turning around to do the dishes while I finish breakfast in silence.


    We go about our usual morning routine, me washing hands while she¡¯s placing the plates back in the right place before I place the glasses back in their designated spots.


    Mom drops me off at school by taking the same route she has been taking for over two years. It¡¯s not the shortest route, but it¡¯s the route I feel most comfortable with.


    I dread school, I really do, after I got send out of class two days ago and didn¡¯t show up yesterday. I dread any bullying coming from Jimmy and Luke, and I dread the fact that Calo will probably sit next to me during all classes that we share. Let¡¯s hope we don¡¯t share a lot of classes.


    The first class of the day, is actually my favourite class; art. The teacher is a young woman who is right about the only teacher in school with an unlimited amount of patience with me and my irky habits. She alternated the classroom to suit my needs, without it being noticeable to any others. Off course, my classmates simply know she did it for me, but there¡¯s not much to laugh about, since I still have to watch my footing, and I still skip the first half a meter since there¡¯s a mat in front of the door.


    Instead of heading towards the regular meeting spots, where people find their friends before school starts, I instantly make my way over to the classroom, knowing in art class I need some extra time to set up my desk. There¡¯s simply more utensils to use, and therefore to put in the right place.


    ¡°Morning Neo.¡± Mrs. Gabriel greets me with a happy smile, ignoring my jump over the mat, gesturing for me to come over towards her.


    I walk towards her, making sure not to line up with the stools or the table¡¯s legs, grateful for Mrs. Gabriel to place the stools in such a way that I can skip both the stool and the leg of a table at once.


    ¡°I graded the papers and gave out the grades yesterday, but you weren¡¯t here.¡± She taps the file I handed in two weeks ago, three times, to suit my likings. It causes a small thankful smile on my face. ¡°You got a B+, and the only thing you need to focus on is explaining the decision you make that lead up to your works.¡±


    ¡°Oh, I thought I did that,¡± I mutter, taking the file from her when she hands it to me in a way that avoids me having to come near her hand.


    ¡°I wrote down what I miss, whenever I miss it. Just make the adjustments for the final file and you¡¯ll be fine.¡±


    ¡°Thanks Mrs. Gabriel.¡±


    ¡°No thanking me.¡± She chuckles, following me towards my desk, as always helping me to grab my stuff and place it in the right spots. She always helps me whenever she¡¯s here to do so. She uses my disinfectant lube and really, I wish everybody would be as helpful as she is.


    Right when I¡¯m seated, content with my desk, ready to start working, I watch towards the door once there¡¯s laughing coming from outside.


    There¡¯s a couple of guys from our class, following Calo towards the door. Off course he instantly became popular. He got me send to the principal in his first class. I bet they all love him.


    Right before he enters the classroom, his eyes find me, seated in my spot like the goody-two-shoe I am. A small smile appears in the corner of his mouth, right before he looks down towards the mat and back towards me with some sort of curiosity in his eyes.


    Ugh, I hate it whenever people look at me as if I¡¯m some sort of outer space species. But then he surprises me, by jumping the mat and walking towards me by placing his feet in between the table legs, all while feigning a careless attitude.


    Off course he makes it seem cool.


    The guys who had been following him, laughing over something, all stop and stare at Calo in shock and surprise, Calo ignoring them completely. It¡¯s completely silent, while I can¡¯t look away from Calo who is making his way over towards me.


    ¡°Morning, Neo. Feeling better today?¡±


    I stare at him with my mouth slightly agape, as he starts to place his utensils by copying my placements on my desk as if he¡¯s doing this every day.


    ¡°What are you doing?¡± is all I manage to squeak out.


    ¡°I meant it when I said you made quite an entrance on Monday,¡± he casually answers. ¡°Kind of Favre.¡±


    ¡°Wh-what?¡± I don¡¯t know what to feel right now. Is he making fun of me? Is he serious? I¡¯m not the only one who doesn¡¯t know how to interpret his actions.


    ¡°It¡¯s Favre, you know? Cool, awesome, amazing.¡± He still isn¡¯t looking at me, his voice isn¡¯t faltering. No hint of a smirk or a taunting tone of voice.


    ¡°Are you being funny? Do you even know why?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not being funny. Favre means cool, awesome, amazing, or of superior talent. Pick which you like best and we¡¯ll keep it to that definition.¡±


    I¡¯m completely at a loss for words, while he finished setting up his desk in the exact same way as I did. Mrs. Gabriel obviously doesn¡¯t know how to respond either, staring at Calo in wonder, while the rest of the class took their seats, whispering and murmuring things behind their hands, all staring towards Calo and me. It makes me feel uncomfortable to have most eyes on me.


    ¡°Everything okay, Neo?¡± Mrs. Gabriel asks me while sending me a questioning look, combined with a frown.


    ¡°I think so, yes.¡± I nod, turning back to my desk to start working on my sketch. ¡°Favre means indecisive, unable to make up your mind,¡± I simply correct Calo.


    ¡°It does?¡± Calo frowns, before he shakes his head. ¡°I¡¯m almost completely sure it means cool. It¡¯s also a term used in Football, meaning interception.¡± He nods as if he¡¯s agreeing to his own words.


    ¡°It means indecisive, believe me, I know. It¡¯s my last name. And how did you find out my name?¡±


    ¡°Faulty Favre?¡± He rolls his eyes. ¡°Stupid, if you ask me, since it¡¯s kind of a contradicting nickname¡­¡±


    I can¡¯t help but take a look around, some students still staring in our direction, others shrugging the events off since they don¡¯t know how to act anyway.


    ¡°Faulty cool is not a thing.¡±


    ¡°Faulty is because Favre means indecisive. I fail at making decisions¡­ I fail at functioning properly.¡±


    ¡°Really, Neo?¡± Calo chuckles, nudging me much to my displeasing. ¡°Do you honestly believe Jimmy came up with ¡°faulty¡± because he knows Favre might mean indecisive?¡±


    ¡°Point taken,¡± I mutter, grabbing a pencil, staring down at my sketch. ¡°Still, I¡¯m pretty sure it doesn¡¯t mean cool.¡±


    Calo retrieves his phone from his pocket, while I¡¯m starting on the hair of the girl I¡¯m drawing. ¡°Here, let me show you the definition.¡±


    ¡°Calo, no phones during class.¡± Mrs. Gabriel sends him a disapproving look.


    ¡°I¡¯ll put it away as soon as I showed Neo that Favre means cool.¡± He casually answers. ¡°You can even confiscate it for the rest of the day, but let me show this¡­¡± He didn¡¯t even look at her, surprising me and her in the same time. Mrs. Gabriel is such a cool teacher, nobody ever dares to misbehave and risk missing out on her classes by getting send out.


    ¡°You don¡¯t have to¡­¡±


    ¡°Here.¡± Calo ignores my weak protest, holding up his phone for me to read along. ¡°Favre, meaning cool, awesome, godly, amazing, or of superior talent. And secondly, doing something amazing, out of the ordinary, or like any of the amazing plays that Brett Favre makes.¡± He quotes from the website, finishing with a smug grin because apparently internet agreed with his definition.


    ¡°That¡¯s fitting,¡± Damon leans forwards. ¡°Doing stuff out of the ordinary.¡±


    ¡°Like his ballerina jumps into classes.¡± Marcus fills in, causing my face to flush and to slump down on my stool a bit, deciding on not responding.


    ¡°You¡¯re just jealous he isn¡¯t afraid to be himself.¡± Calo tells them in a cold way, not granting them the honour of looking at them.


    They laugh in response, nudging each other in the process. ¡°I¡¯m glad I¡¯m not him. He¡¯s a freak.¡±


    ¡°Yeah? He isn¡¯t the one who managed to smear paint over his cheek within three seconds after class started, or to walk around with his shirt buttoned up the wrong way.¡± Calo turns towards me, as if it¡¯s nothing to insult Luke¡¯s friends.


    ¡°Calo, you don¡¯t have to do this.¡± I murmur, wanting to hide because I feel embarrassed to need someone to insult others in my place.


    ¡°What? Make sure douchebags stop pointing out other people¡¯s habits, while they can¡¯t even dress properly?¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re weird.¡± I mutter, feeling a bit thankful for his help nonetheless.

 Chapter 3 – Revengeful

    Thursday, November 10th, 2016


    Since yesterday had been a very good day, thanks to Calo¡¯s weird sense of humour and his copycat actions, I¡¯ve had an easy morning. The fact mom picked my clothes instead of Pyper, didn¡¯t even throw me off. She picked a matching outfit anyway, so what¡¯s the problem?


    Turning the lights of before going down went with ease and all in one take. I made the small mistake of not cutting my bread in four equally small pieces didn¡¯t even really catch my attention.


    ¡°So, what caused you to be so¡­ relaxed?¡± Mom smiles, sitting down opposite from me.


    I simply shrug, munching down a bite of bread. ¡°Had a good day, and it¡¯s resulting in a perfect morning.¡±


    ¡°Good.¡± Mom smiles happily. ¡°It makes me happy to see you relax a bit.¡±


    Pyper walks into the kitchen, coughing a bit still, but sitting down next to me to eat breakfast nonetheless.


    ¡°Are you going to school again? You came home from hospital only yesterday.¡±


    ¡°And yesterday was a good day.¡± She smiles amused. ¡°I feel good enough to try. But only half a day, though.¡±


    ¡°But you¡¯re going.¡±


    ¡°Yeah. We can spend lunch together again.¡±


    ¡°That would be a nice change, to not sit alone.¡± I nod, before taking a sip of milk. ¡°It became a bit boring, the same silence for days and days in a row.¡±


    ¡°Well, prepare for me to talk your ears of your head.¡± She giggles, nudging me before digging in her own breakfast.


    ¡°You can¡¯t physically do that.¡± I chuckle and nudge her back, causing her to spill some milk over the table because she was holding her glass.


    ¡°Hey! Watch it!¡± She giggles amused. ¡°I like you better when you¡¯re grumpy. Since you wouldn¡¯t be spilling my drink.¡±


    ¡°Nah, you love me regardless of my mood.¡± I feign a roll of the eye, causing mom to smile happily. She is taking the whole scene in, in silence, letting her breath escape before she gets up to do the dishes.


    ¡°So, what¡¯s all the rumours I¡¯ve been hearing about?¡± Pyper turns a bit to look at me. ¡°Is someone copying your ballerina jumps?¡±


    Pyper is right about the only one who is allowed to joke about my girly way of jumping. Since I know she will always do whatever she can to make things easier for me. She isn¡¯t joking about my OCD, she¡¯s joking about my poor physical abilities to at least jump in a cool way.


    The way Calo jumped yesterday.


    ¡°I don¡¯t know what you¡¯re talking about.¡± I mutter, staring down as mom turned around with a surprised look.


    ¡°You do know.¡± Pyper laughs a bit. ¡°Who is he? I like him already.¡±


    ¡°You haven¡¯t even met him.¡±


    ¡°But he¡¯s behaving like you, so he must be pretty cool.¡±


    ¡°Favre¡­¡± I whisper, a small smile on the corner of my lip, thinking back of how Calo continued throughout the day, to call everything he thought was cool ¡°favre¡±.


    ¡°What¡¯s that?¡± Pyper leans towards me. ¡°Don¡¯t murmur when in company.¡±


    ¡°Sorry, it isn¡¯t important.¡± I shrug it off. ¡°His name is Calo and I don¡¯t know his intentions yet.¡±


    ¡°What do you mean?¡± Mom turned around again. ¡°What is this about?¡±


    ¡°There¡¯s this new guy in my class. He¡¯s actually the one that got me send to the principal last week.¡± I tell her, rolling my eyes to pretend it¡¯s not a big deal. But it is a big deal. Because even though Calo caught most attention yesterday, he does remind people of me, indivertibly causing them to be reminded of my stupid habits. ¡°Yesterday, he decided that Favre means cool, and that jumping to enter a classroom was an awesome way of entering, so he decided to do it too. People are now confused because he became mega popular on his first day, for getting saint Faulty Favre send out to the principal.¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t like it when you use that nickname to talk about yourself.¡± Mom disapprovingly clicks her tongue. ¡°But why are you doubting his intentions? Why not ask him why he copies you?¡±


    ¡°Because he says it¡¯s ¡°Favre¡±.¡± I roll my eyes once again.


    ¡°Sounds to me like he¡¯s trying to get you to be a bit more positive about yourself.¡± Pyper wisely tells me, handing her plate to mom, who moved to grab my empty plate and glass. ¡°Since you are ¡°Favre¡±.


    ¡°Don¡¯t tell me you¡¯re going to use it too.¡± I groan in annoyance, wishing I would¡¯ve never told them about it. But I guess Pyper¡¯s friends will tell her all about it once she¡¯s in school today. So, she would¡¯ve found out anyway.


    The whole hype of calling cool things ¡°Favre¡± didn¡¯t catch on to other students, luckily. But Calo at least kept trying.


    He pissed of Luke and Jimmy in the process of turning every single one of my irky habits into his own, copying most of my behaviour. The way I put stuff on my table, the way I walk through school and into classrooms. The way I keep disinfecting my hands ¨C which he washes in between every class ¨C and the way I tap my fingers three times in between certain activities. How I skip the first and last steps of every stairs, you name it. Anything I do out of the ordinary, he does too. On one hand, at least I didn¡¯t feel as much of an outsider, on the other though, it became a bit annoying because I still felt like he was doing it to taunt me, to make fun of me.


    I just don¡¯t know what to think of him.


    Or his actions.


    * * * * *


    As I¡¯m preparing my desk for the first class of the day, I hear Jimmy and Luke walking closer, while nobody is here to witness whatever they will do to me when they find me in here by myself.


    ¡°No, we¡¯ll wait for him when schools done. Nobody dares to interfere with us anyway. Let¡¯s ambush him in the bike sheds so no teachers will be able to see.¡±


    That can¡¯t be about me. I never came near the bike sheds because riding a bike is too much stress as I kept pulling my break in between two trees, I kept tapping my bel whenever I passed a street on my left, and the acceleration gears on my steering wheel whenever I passed a street on my right.


    Let¡¯s just say that a ride that should have taken 20 minutes, took about an hour and I was only halfway before reaching school grounds.


    Mom had to pick me up.


    ¡°He¡¯ll know better than to pretend Faulty Favre is cool.¡± Luke spits out, at least confirming the fact they¡¯re not talking about ambushing me.The story has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.


    But they are planning on ambushing Calo.


    I should give him a warning, but since I don¡¯t have his phone number, I have to wait until he enters class and sits his annoyingly copying ass next to me. I stand silent as Luke and Jimmy enter the classroom, expecting sneers and taunting coming my way.


    But they simply send me a disgusted look, further ignoring me as they make their way over to their own desks.


    I frown shortly, before shrugging it off and residing in sitting down in silence, taking another look at my homework.


    Slowly, more classmates start dripping in, most ignoring me, but I see them staring at Calo¡¯s empty desk in curiosity.


    I get it, because Calo is certainly a weird kid if you ask me. Not in a negative way. Nobody is as weird as me. But he certainly behaves different from all other students. I just don¡¯t know why Jimmy and Luke seem to hate him so much, after he got me send out of class. They could interpret his actions as making fun of my habits, but they don¡¯t.


    Which might be because he stood up for me during art class. That story most certainly made its way towards them since Damon is one of their soccer buddies.


    Our teacher, Mr. Conner, enters class as the second bell rings, indicating class starts. I can¡¯t help but frown, because by now, I¡¯m used to Calo being here about five minutes early.


    Mr. Conner starts class by calling out our names to check for presence, skipping Calo¡¯s name without faltering, causing me to wonder if Calo is sick. He seemed fine yesterday.


    Why would I care? He was acting annoying and he somewhat drained my energy.


    So, then why do I feel a bit disappointed that he isn¡¯t here today?


    Probably because he¡¯s the first, besides Angela, who isn¡¯t noticeably bullying me. Angela being right about the only student in school, besides Pyper, who sometimes sits with me during lunch. She wasn¡¯t here last week, but I¡¯m sure she would¡¯ve sat with me as soon as she noticed Pyper¡¯s absence.


    Much to my surprise, Luke and Jimmy not once call me names, make fun of my behaviour or laugh at me as I made my way towards the door to go to the bathroom while avoiding all the usual spots on the floor.


    So, whatever Calo¡¯s intentions are, he caused the attention from my biggest tormentors to divert to him, instead of me.


    But in Calo¡¯s absence, I¡¯m back to being alone during and in between classes. Pyper sat with me during the first lunch but left before the second break of the day started. She made sure to check if I was doing okay, and I truly am doing okay today.


    My tics and habits go the way I want them, no bad thoughts coming up because I do everything the way I¡¯m supposed to do them.


    Off course, that is until classes are done, the teacher kept us a bit longer because he forgot to give us back some grades and by the time I went to the bathroom, wanting to walk towards the parking lot to meet up with mom, Luke and Jimmy enter that very same bathroom.


    ¡°Where¡¯s you buddy, huh?¡± Luke sneers at me while I¡¯m washing my hands under the tap. ¡°He¡¯s probably sick because he had to spend a day in your presence.¡±


    ¡°He chose to follow me around.¡± I respond in annoyance, pointing out the fact he wasn¡¯t obligated to stay with me.


    ¡°You¡¯re just an attention seeking idiot.¡± Jimmy grumbles, standing in front of the door. As it opens, he kicks it back shut. ¡°Get lost!¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t want attention¡­¡±


    ¡°Then why do you keep acting so fucked up?¡± Luke stepped closer, kicking my backpack aside and away from me. ¡°You didn¡¯t once try to snap an invisible rubber band today. What¡¯s up with that anyway? Like to torture yourself?¡±


    Jimmy sniggers, shaking his head. ¡°No, Faulty Favre needs a therapist because he¡¯s a freak, right? Faulty Favre?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not seeing a therapist¡­¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t lie, you do, you¡¯re a freak. They should really just put you in a mental facility. So that you¡¯ll be with freaks like you.¡±


    My hands start shaking as I dry them with a paper towel.


    ¡°You¡¯re a freak, Neo.¡± Luke hisses, stepping impossibly closer. His eyes flicker down towards my hands, a devilish smirk appearing on his face. He chuckles over something as I step away from him, knowing them well he¡¯s planning to do something. Then I watch him as he walks towards a toilet, peeing without saying a word.


    I can¡¯t help but frown and I notice even Jimmy is a bit confused right now. But he keeps the door closed nonetheless, keeping me locked inside.


    As Luke finishes up, he zips his jeans back up, turning back towards me, still with a devilish smirk on his face.


    It¡¯s completely silent, and then Luke walks back towards me. He first shoots forwards, grabbing my arm with both his unwashed hands, causing me to shriek in surprise and disgust.


    Jimmy laughs loudly, Luke chuckles, letting go of me after rubbing one hand over my bare underarm.


    ¡°You¡¯re disgusting!¡± I call out, wanting to go back towards the sink to wash his germs off my arm, but he pushes me back away from them, grabbing hold of my hair.


    ¡°What did you say?¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re disgusting!¡± I repeat in a louder voice, trembling at the thought that he¡¯s preventing me from washing his germs off me. Then he pulls me into a stall by my hair, causing me to whimper in pain.


    ¡°Luke! Let me go!¡±


    ¡°What¡¯s wrong, Favre? You want to wash your hands, right?¡± He laughs loudly. ¡°Here¡¯s some water.¡± He kicks the back of my knee, causing me to fall down on my knees in front of the toilet. He pushes my face against the toilet seat, causing me to gag in disgust. He forced my hand into the toilet bowl, me fighting him as much as I can.


    ¡°Jimmy, he¡¯s struggling too much. Call Damon and Marcus and tell them to keep people out.¡±


    He let¡¯s go of my arm, but still keeping my face in place while smirking down on me. His knee is in my neck, pushing it painfully hard.


    ¡°Luke, stop it!¡± I cry out in panic. ¡°Let me go!¡±


    ¡°No, see, we have to make sure you won¡¯t tell on us.¡± He brings his face closer to mine. ¡°So, I¡¯ll give you a warning. Tell anyone our names, and our revenge will be worse, got it? I will make sure you will never want to leave your bedroom again if you tell on us.¡±


    ¡°Get away from me!¡± I shout out in anger. ¡°Go fuck yourself!¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re really stupid, Faulty Favre!¡± Luke spits out. ¡°Stop pissing me off further! You¡¯d think you¡¯d know better!¡± He hits my cheekbone with a fist, causing tears to start rolling down my face, pain coursing through my head.


    ¡°They¡¯re keeping everybody out.¡± Jimmy appears behind Luke, amused by the sights of me, with my face, pushed against the toilet seat.


    ¡°Let me help you to wash your hands.¡± Jimmy moves to grab my right arm, stuffing it in the toilet while Luke covers my mouth with the same filthy unwashed hands that started my panic to grow.


    I gag, I struggle, but the two of them are way too strong for me. Jimmy puts my hand in the toilet, flushing it while keeping hold of my elbow to keep my arm in place.


    I wiggle and struggle, but they¡¯re not giving in.


    As soon as the toilet stopped flushing, Jimmy pushes Luke aside, hitting me in my stomach twice, Luke kicking my back, before they laugh loudly, leaving me behind as if nothing happened. They wash their hands, they smirk at each other in the mirror, and then they leave, while I break down crying. Disgusted by myself, but unable to move to wash the germs off. What¡¯s the use? It¡¯s all over me anyway. I need a shower. But I can¡¯t be seen like this. I crawl backwards, hiding in the corner of the bathroom stall, shaking, crying uncontrollably, dark thoughts clouding my every move.


    I will catch a serious disease, I will end up like Pyper. Then I won¡¯t be able to do the things the right way and she will die; the house will burn down. Mom and dad will drown in sadness over the loss of Pyper, they will hate me for being their only child, unable to function properly. They will divorce, be depressed. Mom will die because of a broken heart and dad will remind me, for the rest of my life that it is all my fault.


    And then I remember the fact I cut my bread the wrong way, Calo being sick on the very same day. Don¡¯t tell me that cutting my bread the wrong way is affecting Calo. I don¡¯t even know the guy! It¡¯s too much responsibility. But I can¡¯t let him suffer because I¡¯m too stupid to cut a fucking piece of bread the right way.


    I¡¯m Faulty Favre, but I should be able to at least execute some things, the simplest things, the right way.


    I have to. It¡¯s proven that Calo will be sick when I cut my bread the wrong way.


    It¡¯s previously proven the house will burn down if I don¡¯t turn of the lights the right way.


    It¡¯s proven that three times a charm and will bring what my parents want most.


    I have to do good, or all of their lives will be affected.


    And in moments like these, when I fail to get myself towards the sink and wash of germs to prevent myselffrom getting sick, I wish I wouldn¡¯t be here at all. Because all of my weaknesses affect others, and if I wouldn¡¯t be alive, I could no longer fuck things up, to fuck their lives up.


    They could all live happily. Mom and dad could focus on Pyper and her health, I couldn¡¯t cause any deteriorating health issues, so Pyper could be a bit more of a normal teenager.


    Maybe I should just end my life and liberate them from the curse my parents decide to call ¡°Neo¡±. Which is such a wrong name, since in African, it means ¡°gift¡± and I¡¯m not a gift at all.


    I¡¯m a disaster, I¡¯m a curse. My illness should be solely my burden to bare, not anyone else¡¯s. It¡¯s unfair for them to be affected by my inability to do right.


    It¡¯s selfish of me to wish for my parents to adjust their entire life to me. I¡¯m sure mom would love to start the day of in a completely different way for once. But she can¡¯t, because she knows I will panic if something goes different.


    Don¡¯t change successful formula.


    Or get rid of whatever causes those formula to turn for the worse with any minor alteration.


    So, unavertable, they should get rid of me.


    I should get rid of me.

 Chapter 4 – Malicious Pyper

    Friday, November 11th, 2016


    Pyper is on a path of war, while I¡¯m struggling to ignore the throbbing headache that I have ever since Luke hit me against my cheekbone.


    Let¡¯s just say yesterday, after their ambush, it took me hours of scrubbing in the shower to feel better. My skin ended up red and scratched by the intensive scrubbing and the long time spent under a hot shower stream.


    Mom had to come into school to look for me and it had been the janitor who found me in the corner of the bathroom stall, crying my eyes out, shaking uncontrollably, mumbling all kinds of incoherent things, in total panic.


    Eventually, mom made dad come home early from work to help get me home.


    I debated on staying home today, but that would simply be another victory to Luke and Jimmy. I have to go and run the day the way I¡¯m supposed to run the day. If Pyper is capable of going to school, this soon after being in hospital for treatment, I should be able to go to school despite the bruising on my cheekbone.


    But, nonetheless, I¡¯m a bit worried about Pyper. She has been marching through the house as if on a mission, after she found out exactly why mom and I didn¡¯t come home in the regular time, dad in our company once we eventually did show up, me a complete mess, my mom crying.


    Dad had been shouting in anger over what happened, and over the fact I refused to tell them who did this to me.


    They¡¯ll be having a meeting with the principal first thing today, going in to demand things to change and them to take action for the bullying they¡¯ve been ignoring for years.


    They do every so often give detention to people who call me names, but never have they really taken any action to stop the tormenting.


    Not that I ever requested them to take action, but that¡¯s not the point.


    My parents are obviously fed up with it.


    And so is Pyper.


    After she put out my outfit of the day, she left to school early and I can¡¯t help but wonder what she¡¯s going to do. I didn¡¯t have to tell her who did it. She knew as soon as she saw me scratching my arms in an attempt to scratch off the germs. She knew when she saw the bruise on my face, my dishevelled hair, the fear in my eyes.


    Mom didn¡¯t even stop her, and I think she¡¯s secretly hoping Pyper will take her sweet revenge.


    ¡°Morning sweety,¡± mom greets me as soon as I carefully hopped into the kitchen, letting out a yawn. I haven¡¯t slept too long, since I was in the shower until late at night and mom has slept even less, since she was adamant about making me something to eat after I finally showed my face again. ¡°Good, or bad day?¡±


    ¡°Average,¡± I mutter while sliding onto my regular chair.


    ¡°How¡¯s your cheek?¡± She places the plate with my regular Friday breakfast in front of me, gives me the orange juice and skips the lunch, since we only have half a day of school on Friday anyway.


    ¡°Painful.¡± I answer while she lifts my face by pushing up my chin, simply to take a look at the bruise.


    ¡°Who did it, Ne?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not telling, mom,¡± I whisper, casting my eyes down to not have to look at her. ¡°They¡¯ll retaliate even worse and I can¡¯t deal with it. Its best left ignored.¡±


    ¡°Pyper knows who they are.¡±


    ¡°She does.¡±


    ¡°She won¡¯t tell us either.¡± Mom sighs, sitting down opposite from me, as dad enters the kitchen. ¡°Because you won¡¯t tell us, she won¡¯t tell us. How come we have the only two children who do not rat out each other¡¯s secrets to annoy the other?¡±


    ¡°Pyper and I fight over plenty of things, we¡¯re just loyal to each other because we need each other.¡±


    ¡°Good.¡± Dad nods. ¡°Never tell on your sister¡¯s secrets.¡±


    ¡°Never spill out anyone¡¯s secrets.¡± Mom rolls her eyes. ¡°Even if your parents really want to know which kid to kill.¡±


    ¡°Caro!¡± Dad stares at her with wide eyes before he starts laughing a bit. ¡°Okay, I suppose first degree murder would be a possibility if I ever find out who dares to hurt my son.¡± He pats my back, smiling at me with some sadness, but pride too.


    ¡°If first degree murder is considered an option, I¡¯m most definitely never telling.¡±


    Mom and dad both snigger in response, shrugging it off.


    ¡°Are you almost ready, honey?¡± Mom lets her hand go through my hair in a loving way and instead of feeling loved, I feel a sting of guilt.


    They love me so much, despite the fact I¡¯m completely dysfunctional. Things would be a thousand times easier for them without me in their lives. The morning rituals that have to go according to my likings. The fact mom can¡¯t have a fulltime job because she has to drop me off at school, pick me up whenever I¡¯m done for the day. She can¡¯t always be with Pyper when she needs mom the most because I might have a break-down in the same moment.


    I¡¯m taking all her time and all her attention like a freaking four-year-old.


    ¡°Honey?¡± Mom sighs deeply, sounding exhausted and suddenly looking exhausted. ¡°Ready? Your dad and I have to be there in time to talk to the principal about what happened.


    ¡°Yes, let me wash my hands and I¡¯m good to go.¡± I get up and move towards the sink, my steps faltering shortly as I notice mom didn¡¯t do the dishes yet.


    ¡°Oh no, Neo¡­¡± She pushes herself up from her seat. ¡°I¡¯m so sorry, I totally forgot the dishes. Just¡­ Let me do them first¡­¡±


    ¡°No, mom¡­¡± I walk further, trying not to look at the breakfast plates left by them, placed in the sink. ¡°It¡¯s eh, it¡¯s fine.¡±


    ¡°No, it¡¯s not.¡± Her voice sounds off and as I turn to look at her, I notice her eyes are slightly more watery than usual.


    Great, now I made her cry. ¡°It really is fine, mom.¡± I swallow, forcing the thoughts about germs all over the dishes to the back of my head, closing my eyes to wash my hands without looking at them. ¡°I¡¯ll just use some disinfectant in the car.¡±


    ¡°Are you sure, honey? I don¡¯t want to throw you off already.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m sure¡­¡± I¡¯m not, and my voice is giving it away. ¡°Doctor Telham told me to take baby steps, right?¡± I turn around, taking the paper towel she holds out for me. ¡°This could be the first in a new attempt.¡± At least I managed to keep my voice steady when I stated it could be a new attempt to tone down the amount of rituals, habits and tics.This story has been taken without authorization. Report any sightings.


    ¡°I¡¯m proud of you, Ne.¡± Dad smiles, though he seems unsure of the situation too. ¡°Let¡¯s all try to help you as much as we can and try again together.¡±


    I nod and smile unsurely. ¡°Baby steps.¡±


    ¡°Baby steps.¡±


    * * * * *


    I should have picked another day to not make a point out of mom not doing the dishes. I should have sat back down and wait for her to clean the dishes. I should have acted selfish, I should have done whatever I would do whenever I¡¯m not feeling as guilty as I feel lately.


    Today, of all days, is the worst day to start a new attempt.


    As soon as I enter school, it¡¯s evident that something is happening in the same bathroom as I was trapped in yesterday.


    And as I notice Jimmy trying to open the door, and a teacher trying to help him, I can¡¯t help but feel like this is bad. This is really bad.


    For some reason, I expect Calo to be the instigator of this. Who knows, maybe news about what happened to me travelled fast and he found out. And who knows, maybe he really does want to help me and now he¡¯s taking revenge.


    It¡¯s audibly evident it¡¯s Luke who¡¯s crying out in the bathroom.


    I¡¯d recognize that voice anywhere, anytime. There¡¯s nights in which I lay awake, hearing his insults repeat over and over in my head. Telling me I¡¯m Faulty Favre, that I¡¯m a failure, a pathetic excuse for a human. That I¡¯m a freak.


    And I knew Pyper was up to something, but never did I expect her to be the one to open the bathroom door, stepping out with her head held high, her breathing heavy and deep.


    Her eyes find me, while our counsellor Mr. Rhodes starts lecturing her in the same time Mrs. Tilly and Mr. White run inside the bathroom to check on Luke. She smiles devilish, winks, and then proudly follows Mr. Rhodes down the hall, all while followed by every students¡¯ eyes. It¡¯s completely silent around me as I stare at Pyper in shock.


    ¡°Go to your classes, now.¡± Mr. Giles starts sending students away, while Jimmy refuses to move away from the door. Can say a lot of bad things about the two of them, they do stand by each other in every situation. They never rat each other out, they always help each other.


    I wish I had a friend like that. I wish someone would be there for me, worried whenever someone would do something to me.


    Then again, brace the person who would ever be worried about me, for they would be worried constantly. No, this is my burden and I shouldn¡¯t involve anyone else.


    I wake up from my thoughts, still completely shocked, standing in the same spot, as someone puts his hand on my shoulder. ¡°Jeez!¡± I call out in surprise. ¡°You scared the living daylight out of me.¡± I stare at Mr. Giles, eyes widening as I realize I yet again shouted at a teacher. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, I didn¡¯t mean to shout¡­¡± My head lowers in shame, while he pats my shoulder.


    ¡°It¡¯s okay, Neo.¡± He chuckles. ¡°I didn¡¯t realise you didn¡¯t hear me. You were in deep thoughts.¡±


    ¡°What¡¯s going to happen to Pyper?¡±


    ¡°She¡¯ll probably be suspended.¡± He sighs. ¡°Your parents are here, talking to Mr. Jameson, right?¡±


    ¡°Uhu.¡± I nod, staring at the floor.


    ¡°How about you join the conversation and hear for yourself what the consequences for Pyper are. You can explain what happened to you, yesterday.¡±


    ¡°I should really get to class¡­¡±


    ¡°What class are you supposed to be in?¡±


    ¡°Math, Mrs. Tilly¡­¡±


    ¡°Well, in that case I¡¯m supposed to watch the class until Mrs. Tilly is ready to teach. I¡¯ll inform her. Go on and go join your parents and sister.¡±


    I nod, hurriedly walking away from the scene, but not without seeing Luke in the bathroom, seated on the ground. His hair is a mess, it¡¯s wet, there¡¯s water all over his clothes. There¡¯s blood seeping from the corner of his lip and his lip is quivering while he seems to be crying.


    Good riddance.


    Praise malicious Pyper.


    * * * * *


    Pyper still doesn¡¯t really seem to care about what she did, and mom and dad are unimpressed by the lecturing speech Mr. Jameson gave her about her behaviour. I¡¯m seated in between Pyper and mom, unsure of how to behave.


    What a fucked-up family we are, huh?


    ¡°I will not sit here and allow you to call Pyper out on her behaviour, while nobody did anything to protect Neo from those awful bullies.¡± Dad snaps back at Mr. Jameson. They¡¯ve been in a discussion about who¡¯s to blame in this whole ordeal.


    ¡°Nothing is good enough of a reason or her to go and¡­ torture¡­ another student.¡±


    ¡°Torture?¡± Pyper spits out with a laugh following suit. ¡°Oh, god, I just flushed his head in the hopes of getting rid of those dark thoughts. And who know, maybe it flushed off some of the ugliness¡­¡±


    I smother a laugh, Pyper smirks, and Mr. Jameson takes in a deep collective breath.


    ¡°If school would have taken action to prevent him from bullying Neo, this wouldn¡¯t have happened¡­¡±


    ¡°Pyper¡¯s behaviour still is outrageous¡­¡±


    ¡°If schools not taking action, off course I¡¯m doing it myself! And I would do it again and again, if it would mean that fuckhead ¨C,¡±


    ¡°Miss Favre!¡±


    ¡°will stay away from Neo!¡± She shouts over Mr. Jameson¡¯s protest.


    ¡°Pyper, language.¡± Mom looks at her, while dad stares in anger towards Mr. Jameson.


    ¡°We made this appointment to discuss and find out what school did to try and prevent Luke bullying our son¡­¡±


    ¡°Mrs. Favre, we¡¯re doing everything we can to suit Neo¡¯s needs. When he first came to this school, we clearly advised you to send Neo to North Haven High¡­¡±


    ¡°My son is not crazy!¡± Mom calls out in shock. ¡°And we told you, with some minor alterations, Neo could function perfectly fine. And he does. He has the best grades in his year ¨C,¡±


    ¡°He has an attendance percentage of 60% ¨C,¡±


    ¡°And he still outsmarts his classmates.¡± They keep cutting each other off in a discussion that clearly is no longer about Luke¡¯s or Pyper¡¯s behaviour, but about my presence in this school.


    But while Pyper is amused because Mr. Jameson isn¡¯t capable of overpowering our parents with his words, I can only think of one thing; North Haven High.


    North Haven institutional school for the mentally challenged.


    Why did I not know that they advised my parents to send me there? Why didn¡¯t anyone tell me that they wanted to send me to a semi-boarding school?


    And why didn¡¯t my parents listen to them?


    If they would¡¯ve send me there, I would only be home during the weekends.


    They could go about their lives for five days, without me leaning on them. Mom could have a fulltime job, Pyper could get all the attention she needs.


    I wouldn¡¯t be a burden to them.


    ¡°You guys have done nothing to help Neo in any way. Luke has never been suspended for bullying our son and even now that it is evident Luke is the one who harmed Neo only yesterday, you are not planning on suspending him. I demand him to be suspended if you¡¯re suspending Pyper.¡± My dad slams on the desk.


    ¡°We have no proof that Luke harmed Neo and without any proof we¡¯re powerless to do anything about it.¡± Mr. Jameson shortly looks at me.


    ¡°Neo, please, tell them the truth.¡±


    I bite down on my tongue, shaking my head with wide eyes.


    ¡°Oh, for the love of god!¡± Pyper calls out, perking up in her seat. ¡°Off course he isn¡¯t going to tell you guys who did this!¡± She gestures to me. ¡°Look at him! He¡¯s scared shitless for any retaliation and since school isn¡¯t doing anything to protect him¡­¡±


    ¡°We advised numerous of times to send him to the right school. They will be able to fit his needs and help him, to protect him¡­¡±


    ¡°We¡¯re NOT sending him to North Haven!¡± Dad shouts, now completely pissed. ¡°And if you¡¯re not going to take the needed actions, we¡¯re going to take this higher up.¡± He gets up from his seat so quickly, he surprises me a bit, while his chair scrapes over the floor. ¡°We¡¯re leaving.¡±


    ¡°Perry, sit down.¡± Mom demands. ¡°We¡¯re adults and we¡¯re going to solve this like adults.¡± She pulls him back in his seat. ¡°Mr. Jameson, we agree that Pyper¡¯s actions are wrong and we accept the two-week suspension. We do not ever, for a second, think that Neo belongs at North Haven and we strongly believe it¡¯s best for his development to be able to live as a regular teenager as much as possible. Sending him to another school is out of the question. We do, however, demand actions against his bullies that are in line with the same rules and regulations that are affecting Pyper¡¯s punishment.¡±


    I frown, impressed by mom¡¯s ability to keep a steady voice while she¡¯s obviously fuming in anger.


    ¡°We¡¯ll go and talk to Luke to see what he will tell us about all of this.¡± Mr. Jameson takes in a deep, tired breath. ¡°We will do everything within our power and lines of means to get to the bottom of this and punish those who are responsible.¡±


    ¡°If not, I will agree with my husband that we have to take this up higher.¡± Now mom is the one to stand up. ¡°We¡¯ll expect a letter with the exact rules and consequences about Pyper¡¯s suspension.¡±


    ¡°We will send the letter today.¡± Mr. Jameson gets up and shakes her hand and dad¡¯s before he turns towards Pyper and me. ¡°I suggest Neo will head to his class, and Pyper can go home with the two of you.¡±


    And with that, Pyper gets punished, Luke get¡¯s protected and I¡¯m left in confusion as to why my parents refuse to send me to North Haven High.

 Chapter 5 – It’s a first

    Sunday, November 13th, 2016


    ¡°Pyper! Neo!¡± Our grandmother, dad¡¯s mother, greets us both by pulling us in a tight hug. ¡°Oh, my little angels, look at how big you two are already!¡± She chuckles, squeezing mine and Pyper¡¯s cheek in the same time. ¡°As if it was only yesterday that I changed either of your diapers¡­¡± She dwells over the past. ¡°Such teeny tiny babies you two were.¡±


    ¡°Mom, let them be.¡± Dad chuckles, hugging and kisses his own mother happily. ¡°Neo was persistent in visiting so that he could watch Supernatural with dad.¡±


    ¡°Oh, the two of you and your series.¡± Nana waves me off, and I happily hop over the mat, kick of my shoes, drop my backpack and head inside the living room.


    Grandpa stands up from the couch with a wide smile. ¡°Neo! My boy!¡± He spreads his arms and I attack him in a hug, nearly sending him off balance. He laughs, lifting me a bit in the air.


    Since my parents aren¡¯t that old, my grandparents aren¡¯t that old either. Sure, grandpa has some trouble with his body since he¡¯s sixty-years-old, but he¡¯s still strong enough to lift a teenager like me a bit off the floor.


    ¡°Hi grandpa.¡± I chuckle as he lets go of me.


    ¡°Come on!¡± He claps his hands. ¡°Go wash your hands, your face, and come tell me what happened to your face.¡± He taps my cheek three times, making sure to not hit the bruise.


    ¡°Right, on it.¡± I smirk, hurrying towards the kitchen, feeling all energetic and excited to visit my grandparents. Call me childish, but their pampering always makes me feel welcome and loved. The casual attitude they have when it¡¯s about my OCD always makes me feel normal. As if it¡¯s just part of life and it¡¯s nothing out of the ordinary to wash off your face and hands after your grandma pecks a kiss on my cheek and grandpa touches my hands.


    I listen happily to grandpa greeting Pyper, to grandma chatting away with mom and I smile at dad as he walks into the kitchen to put the cake we brought in the fridge.


    ¡°It always makes me happy to see you running around here.¡± He chuckles, watching as I use the paper towels grandma always buys for me to dry my hands.


    ¡°Thanks for the last-minute visit. I know you and mom wanted to stay at home and relax for a bit.¡±


    ¡°Hey, nothing more relaxing that having my parents keeping the two of you distracted.¡± He winks, following me back inside the living room. I grab my backpack on the way over, sitting down next to grandpa, who is awaiting me telling what happened.


    ¡°So, the cheek?¡± He lifts an eyebrow as I retrieve a map from the backpack.


    ¡°Neo fought in school.¡± Pyper chimes in with a smirk.


    ¡°Oh dear.¡± Grandpa chuckles nonetheless. ¡°Did you beat his ass?¡±


    ¡°I did not,¡± I mutter. ¡°Pyper did, though. She¡¯s suspended. But I got in a fight that caused her to react that way.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t tell me the kid is still alive.¡±


    ¡°What¡¯s it with this family wanting to murder the guy who hit me?¡± I frown but can¡¯t fight back a smirk anyway.


    ¡°Hey, they should leave my grandson alone.¡± Grandpa winks, taking the map from my hold, opening it. ¡°Let me see what new pictures you took.¡±


    ¡°We had a fieldtrip a while ago and I put the pictures in that I took for the assignment I did to replace the field trip.¡± I flip over the pages until the new polaroid¡¯s appear, proud of the result.


    While my classmates went to a weird-ass museum to watch all sorts of weird art objects, I was told to go out into the city and take photographs of whatever art I found on my search.


    It¡¯s all street art and I made sure to include graffiti in it, but the sculptures around the city centre too. Then I found out there was an art exhibition in a small town a couple of kilometres away and I forced dad to take me there.


    ¡°These are beautiful as always, Neo.¡± Grandpa tells me while he seems to be in a trance while he looks at the four polaroid¡¯s with graffiti on them. ¡°You have a gift.¡± He taps a photo and smiles. ¡°I never look at these¡­ drawings, as art. But through your eyes, in your pictures, I see the beauty in them.¡±


    ¡°I always tell Neo he¡¯s going to be a famous photographer.¡± Pyper smirks, nudging me with her elbow. ¡°See, grandpa thinks it¡¯s a gift too.¡±


    ¡°We all do.¡± Grandma smiles, taking over the map as grandpa is finished. ¡°Aunt Chantal was talking about asking you to take some new photos of them and the kids.¡±


    ¡°She didn¡¯t ask me, though.¡± I shrug, not paying too much attention to it. Pyper and I haven¡¯t seen aunt Chantal, uncle Robert or our three cousins in a very long time. Aunt Chantal and mom had a fight the last time we were there, and I don¡¯t know the details, but I know enough, to know the fight had been about me.


    ¡°Neo is too busy for that.¡± Mom instantly turns down the idea. ¡°As much as you love photography, you have other things to do too.¡± She tells me firmly. Mom rarely forbids me to do really anything that makes me get out of the door. But I know, if she does, she won¡¯t back down.


    ¡°I would like for you to settle things with Chantal and Robert¡­¡± Grandma gets up from the couch. ¡°I would like to see all of you together. We¡¯re getting older and frankly, too old to have to stress and plan visitations¡­¡± She, along with mom and dad, walk towards the kitchen, probably to have a conversation that isn¡¯t meant for Pyper and me to hear.


    ¡°Let¡¯s watch Supernatural, okay?¡± Grandpa holds up the remote. ¡°Pyper, are you joining us?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, Neo persuaded me into watching and now I¡¯m hooked.¡±


    ¡°Finally.¡± Grandpa calls out dramatically. ¡°She¡¯s getting a decent taste in series.¡±


    I chuckle, retrieving my laptop from the backpack to set it up and watch Supernatural with two of my favourite persons in the world. Couldn¡¯t wish for a better Sunday.


    Monday, November 14th, 2016


    Sunday had been a great day for me. We ate dinner with grandma and grandpa and as always, grandma made us pancakes and we ate the cake as desert. We watched three episodes of Supernatural and then I watched Pyper and grandma work on a piece of sand-art they¡¯ve been working on for a while now. It¡¯s large, its detailed, it requires a lot of precision and patience. And they only work on it together, never alone.


    Mom had been a bit moody after the conversation with grandma, but she loosened up as the day passed.


    Monday morning had been the best. Pyper is required to be in school at eight, while classes start 20 minutes later. She put out an outfit for me and left early, leaving mom and me with the two of us to have breakfast and chat away about the possibilities of a new replacing assignment that I will hear about this week.This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.


    And as always, after spending a day with grandma and grandpa, I feel more relaxed than most days. My morning rituals and habits had gone well, and I manage to be in school perfectly in time without stressing or panicking over anything.


    But as it became evident that Calo was still absent, and with Pyper being suspended, both Luke and Jimmy, along with most other students resolve in turning to me for their daily dose of laughter.


    Laughing at me, that is.


    And then it turned out, that they videotaped the whole torture on Thursday. The video has gone viral and everybody keeps acting as if they¡¯re me, crying and panicking, before they laugh out loudly.


    I¡¯ve been more restless than ever, All the while the day had started of in such a good way.


    I groan, as Demy and Fleur re-enact a part of the turmoil on Thursday before they laugh at me right in my face. I slump down in my chair a bit, my face burning in embarrassment.


    I slowly look upwards as I notice two pair of feet in front of my table, looking up to find the two instigators of all the taunting stand in front of my desk. Where¡¯s the teacher whenever you need them?


    ¡°Hey, Faulty Favre.¡± Luke leans on my desk, off course after shoving aside my stuff. ¡°I have to go in for a conversation with Jameson and Rhodes.¡±


    ¡°So?¡±


    ¡°I told you we would retaliate worse if you¡¯d spill out our names.¡±


    ¡°I didn¡¯t.¡±


    ¡°No? So a little bird went to the principal?¡±


    ¡°No, Pyper did. She had to explain why she beat you up.¡± I wish I would have watched him a little longer on Friday. I wish I would filmed him crying like a baby. ¡°You know, the whole ordeal in the bathroom, you, crying in the exact same way as I did on Thursday?¡±


    ¡°So, your filthy sister snitched?¡± He leans closer. ¡°No matter who did, we will get back at you for it.¡±


    ¡°Touch him once more, and you¡¯ll curse the day I was born.¡± Calo¡¯s voice sounds cold, surprising all three of us. Since half the classes today have already passed, I guess none of us expected him to show up today. Luke shoots upright, turning quick to find Calo standing close behind them, staring at him with cold eyes. ¡°And you¡¯d wish you would¡¯ve never been born yourself too.¡±


    ¡°Yeah? And who do you bring along to do that?¡± Luke spits out, still there¡¯s fear in his eyes.


    ¡°We¡¯re not afraid of you, Delgado.¡± Jimmy bravely steps forwards.


    ¡°That¡¯s because there¡¯s not enough braincells up there to realise you should be.¡± He shoves both of them aside, sliding down in his seat with a murderous look on his face.


    ¡°Eh, thanks?¡± I guess a thank you is in order, since he stood up for me, yet again. ¡°I didn¡¯t expect you to show up anymore.¡±


    ¡°I saw the video,¡± he grumbles, angrily leaning on his table, staring to the desk of the teacher. ¡°They¡¯re gonna pay for it.¡±


    My face heated up, yet again. I wish Calo wouldn¡¯t have seen me cry the way I do on that video.


    ¡°Pyper is suspended because she took her sweet revenge on Friday.¡± I tell him, trying to keep a steady voice. He¡¯s obviously pissed, and since he didn¡¯t calm down as soon as Luke and Jimmy scurried away, I guess he¡¯s pissed at me too.


    Obviously, I did something to hit a nerve, I just wish I knew whichever of my uncountable irky habits it is that is pissing him off.


    With shaky hands, I put my stuff back in the right place on the desk, wishing I wouldn¡¯t instantly tear up because Calo is snappy. Wasn¡¯t I the one doubting his intentions? Then why am I surprised he isn¡¯t treating me nice today?


    ¡°Who¡¯s Pyper?¡±


    ¡°My sister. I have a sister.¡±


    ¡°You have a sister, who goes to this school?¡± He frowns, finally looking at me. His pupils are wide, The whites of his eyes somewhat redder than usual. He simply looks like shit.


    He actually looks like me, not too long after having a panic-attack. ¡°I have a sister, Pyper, who goes to this school, yes. Are you okay?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m fine, else I wouldn¡¯t be here.¡± He¡¯s still grumbling, he still comes across as hostile, but somehow, I feel there¡¯s more to his attitude than meets the shitty appearance. ¡°Why is your sister willing to get suspended whenever they touch you, but in the same time leaving you on your own during lunch, before and after school¡­¡±


    ¡°Pyper has Lupus and isn¡¯t always in school.¡± I simply respond, since Pyper¡¯s illness is way easier to explain than mine. ¡°And you¡¯re not fine. You¡¯re far from fine. Why are you in school?¡±


    ¡°I saw the video.¡± He pushes his face up to look at me. ¡°I thought you needed a friend.¡±


    And in that very moment, listening to those hostile-spoken words, a weird feeling is starting in the pit of my stomach, soon sending chills all over my body. Goosebumps appear on my skin and suddenly I can¡¯t hold back the tears that have been threatening to fall down every since I found out about the video. I stare at him while my vision blurs further, his eyes widening. The whole hostile attitude is gone in a matter of seconds, before he pulls me out of my seat, forcing me to leave the classroom, while guiding me in the process.


    ¡°Follow my feet.¡± He mutters, holding onto my arm, forcing me to look at his feet to know where exactly to walk without causing a panic-attack.


    As soon as we reached the hallway, Mr. Giles shows up, wanting to protest us leaving, but closing his mouth as soon as he looks at me, tears now rolling down my cheeks. ¡°Take him outside. The park across the street and to the pond.¡± Mr. Giles tells Calo with a worried tone-of-voice. ¡°I¡¯ll inform his mother.¡±


    ¡°No!¡± I cry out. ¡°Don¡¯t call my mom,¡± I whisper in defeat. ¡°I¡¯m not upset¡­¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re not?¡± Calo forced me to look and to him.


    ¡°Just come back in whenever you¡¯re ready.¡± Mr. Giles smiles shortly, before walking into the class himself.


    First things first, how did Mr. Giles know about the park, or the pond? Mom used to take me there when I was little, and we would sit there for hours in a row, feeding the ducks, eating ice cream, and I would always feel happy and carefree. To this very day, the park and in particular the pond, is one of my few safe havens that I go to whenever I need to calm down.


    ¡°You¡¯re not upset? Why are you crying? I thought I said something that upset you.¡± Calo is still holding onto my arm.


    ¡°No.¡± I shake my head, wiping away the tears angrily. ¡°You¡­¡± I swallow back the lump that is forming in my throat.


    ¡°I?¡±


    ¡°You said¡­ friend.¡± I manage to press the word out, followed by a sob.


    ¡°Yeah, does that upset you? Don¡¯t you see me as a friend?¡±


    ¡°I never had a friend,¡± I cry out, feeling ashamed. ¡°Nobody ever wants to be my friend.¡±


    ¡°Well, they¡¯re stupid. You¡¯re Favre. I want to be your friend.¡± He smirks, though it doesn¡¯t really meet his eyes. The daring and amused look that he sported last week isn¡¯t there. His eyes seem scared.


    ¡°Calo?¡±


    ¡°Yeah?¡± He sits down on the floor, patting the spot on the floor next to him before he pulls of his vest and puts it down for me to sit on. ¡°Come, you need to calm down before we go back in.¡±


    ¡°What¡¯s wrong with you?¡± I whisper with a hoarse voice while sitting down.


    ¡°You think something is wrong with me for wanting to be your friend?¡±


    ¡°No!¡± I look at him with wide eyes. ¡°Or yes, maybe, I don¡¯t know,¡± I stutter unsurely. ¡°It¡¯s not what I meant.¡±


    ¡°What did you mean?¡±


    ¡°Stop avoiding it.¡± I whine. ¡°I know the look in your eyes, I find it in my mirror at least once a day.¡±


    He huffs, staring to the ground.


    ¡°Did you have a panic-attack?¡±


    ¡°No.¡± he shakes his head. ¡°I cried. It¡¯s why I wasn¡¯t in school.¡±


    ¡°And you came, for me?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, you needed a friend, right?¡±


    ¡°I did. But why did you cry?¡±


    ¡°Oh¡­¡± he shrugs. ¡°My grandma died¡­¡± he looks away and I guess he might have trouble fighting his own tears. I just wish he would feel safe enough to show his grieve to me, since I just cried right in front of him. ¡°I was going crazy at home and when I saw the video, I just had to come to school.¡±


    ¡°You were right in time.¡± I nod. ¡°I don¡¯t know what would¡¯ve happened if you wouldn¡¯t have shown up.¡±


    ¡°Well, Mr. Giles would interrupt, so I guess you¡¯d be physically safe.¡±


    ¡°But my physicality isn¡¯t my weakness,¡± I tell him seriously. ¡°It¡¯s what they say, it¡¯s the laughing¡­¡±


    ¡°Well, I¡¯ll be sure to help you fight those brainless idiots. I need something to make school more interesting anyway.¡± He chuckles forced. ¡°If, off course, you¡¯ll allow me to help you.¡±


    I stare at him, my eyes flicking from spot to spot in his face, trying to find any trace of insincerity, a hint telling me this is all a joke, too good to be true. ¡°I¡¯ll allow it, though you do have to prove your intentions. I have trouble trusting people.¡±


    ¡°I get that, if I really am your first friend. But, it¡¯s a first, and I¡¯m honoured.¡±

 Chapter 6 – Drained

    Tuesday, November 15th, 2016


    All thanks to Calo, I managed to survive Monday and finish the entire day in school. Calo want home right after school, after accompanying me during the day, though he remained silent most of the day. He snapped at people who made fun of me, and not in the same funny and snarky way he did last week.


    As if he is already fed up with their attitude after only knowing me for a week and staying home for almost half that time.


    But he called me his friend, he told me he came to school because I needed a friend. That very simple fact, had been such a grand gesture to me, that I felt emotional, yet happier than ever.


    Not even a week ago, I thought everybody would be better of without me. I wanted to end it all, I forced myself to move on as I am used to.


    Keep living, in the hopes of ever feeling alive.


    And because deep down inside, I know that no matter how much of a burden I am to my parents, to Pyper, to my grandparents, they love me endlessly. And killing myself would tear them apart.


    They wouldn¡¯t be able to deal with the loss of another child.


    Which is another burden I have to bare. It¡¯s the one thing I can¡¯t be selfish in.


    And now that I have a friend, a friend who came to school despite his own grief, I find it less hard to breath.


    I even caught myself humming a song in the shower, but still being able to switch the lights off without any repeats. I skip my way into the kitchen, with a larger skip to pass the first two tiles. Sinking onto my chair with a content sigh.


    ¡°Morning, sweety.¡± My mom smiles surprised at me. ¡°My guess is a very good day.¡±


    I nod and smirk at her.


    ¡°Spill it, Ne.¡± She chuckles, giving me my breakfast before sitting down. ¡°Pyper told us about the video, yet you¡¯ve been more cheerful than in a very long time.¡±


    ¡°Did you see the video?¡±


    ¡°She refused to show us, but dad searched Facebook to find it. Neo, why didn¡¯t you say it was Luke?¡±


    ¡°Because he threatened me. He promised me retaliation would be worse.¡±


    ¡°How bad is he bullying you?¡±


    ¡°He¡¯s not the only one mom, all of them are. Angela was the only girl who didn¡¯t join in on the bullying. It¡¯s not just Luke, or Jimmy. Yes, I deal with them a lot because they¡¯re in my class. But it¡¯s everybody. They don¡¯t get me.¡±


    ¡°I wish you would talk to us about this. We could have demanded strong actions from school a long time ago.¡±


    ¡°Well, I¡¯m fine now. I think.¡±


    ¡°You think?¡± she pulls up an eyebrow. ¡°What makes you smile so widely?¡±


    ¡°I think I made a friend.¡±


    Now both her eyebrows fly up in surprise. ¡°You have a friend?¡± There¡¯s excitement in her voice and, well, in every fibre of her being.


    ¡°His name is Calo and he¡¯s the new kid Pyper asked about last week. Remember the guy who copied my irky habits?¡±


    ¡°And he¡¯s your friend?¡±


    ¡°His grandmother died last week, and he hasn¡¯t been in school ever since. But yesterday he saw the video and came to school halfway throughout the day, because he thought I needed a friend. He said it himself.¡±


    ¡°Well, bless Calo, for putting that wide of a smile on your face.¡± She smiles contently. ¡°And for putting his own sorrow aside to support you.¡±


    ¡°It made me sing, mom.¡± I chuckle a bit before taking a bite.


    ¡°You sang? Let me guess, in the shower?¡±


    I nod and grin. ¡°He¡¯s my first friend, mom.¡± I can¡¯t help but feel energetic and excited. I always wanted a friend, someone outside of this family. ¡°I don¡¯t fully trust him yet, but the fact he came to school for me¡­ I don¡¯t know. I cried in happiness.¡±


    ¡°Why don¡¯t you invite him over soon? So that we can get to know him?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t want to scare him away. He knows I never had a friend but if I start acting all needy and whatever, I might scare him away.¡±


    She smiles and nods. ¡°Just know that he¡¯s always welcome here, okay?¡±


    ¡°I know. Now, could you¡­ skip the dishes until you dropped me off?¡±


    She frowns again, looking back to the dishes shortly. ¡°You want me to skip them?¡±


    ¡°Well, we did agree on taking it as a baby step, you know? Remember? Last Friday.¡±


    ¡°I remember, yes. Are you sure?¡±


    ¡°If there¡¯s a better time to try, please, tell me.¡± I smirk again, unable to fight back the smiles that keep making its way onto my face. ¡°I have a friend now, despite all that went wrong in the last couple of days.¡±


    ¡°Well, in that case, I¡¯d love to slack off and do the dishes later on. Who knows, maybe I¡¯ll use the dishwasher for once.¡±


    I giggle like a little girl, before I hand her the plate and glass, following her towards the sink to wash my hands. It¡¯s with shaky hands and closed eyes, but I manage to somewhat ignore the dirty dishes.


    Off course, I use disinfectant lotion in the car, but who cares.


    Baby steps, right?


    * * * * *


    I have to refrain myself from skipping once I got out of the car. Let¡¯s remember Calo is right about the only person in this school that actually thinks I¡¯m ¡°Favre¡±, instead of Faulty Favre. If I would to be skipping through school, I will only add to people¡¯s opinion that I¡¯m too girly, to weird, plain simply a freak.


    But as long as there¡¯s one person in this goddamn hell-hole willing to be my friend, who cares about the rest?


    So, no matter how much of those others make fun of me as I pass them, they can¡¯t force the smile to leave my face. I think it throws people off balance, shocking them because I not once falter in my steps, show any signs of weakness or giving away that their words and actions affect me.


    I make my way to the locker rooms to dump my backpack in my locker. I never actually participate in P.E. because let¡¯s face it. I wouldn¡¯t even blame someone laughing at me as I try to play along in a game of soccer, while avoiding all those colourful lines on the gym floor, each colour indicating a different sort of field. I tried to join, the first ever P.E. class and I ended up panicking as soon as Luke pushed me onto a line, and I simply couldn¡¯t move anymore, afraid that if I would lift my foot of the line, something bad would happen. And with something bad, I though grandpa would get a heart attack and die, all because of me.Unauthorized use: this story is on Amazon without permission from the author. Report any sightings.


    Mom had to come over, with grandpa, to show me he was fine.


    Its actually one of the first weaknesses that I showed, causing Luke to start making fun of me.


    By then, I was already having trouble to turn of the lights in my bedroom, since the summer previous to me starting High school, we had been forced to move, because one day, I didn¡¯t turn the lights off, and our house burned down after lightning struck. None of us had been home, but let¡¯s say it made an impression.


    The step on a line resulted in Pyper¡¯s very first night in hospital that same day, and by now, I¡¯m definitely sure if I would ever be to step on any of those lines again, she¡¯ll end up in hospital again. It simply isn¡¯t a coincidence.


    Mom and dad came to an agreement with school that for each sport being graded in P.E. I have to write a five-page essay to talk about the history and the importance in certain cultures or whatnot.


    I instantly agreed on it, because it meant I would never have to step a foot onto that awful floor.


    I grab a book about badminton from the locker, as it is the current sport practised in P.E. and take it with me to the hall. Since I¡¯m not required to switch clothes, I¡¯m always the first to walk in. But today, Calo beat me to it. He¡¯s in a sports-outfit that isn¡¯t matching the required colours of our school ¨C black shorts and white shirts. He¡¯s wearing red shorts and a black and red basketball shirt.


    ¡°You do know you¡¯re required to wear black and white.¡±


    ¡°I was planning on buying some of those boring clothes, but obviously, life got in the way.¡± He shows an awkward smile, before he grins widely. ¡°You sure seem happy today.¡±


    ¡°I am happy.¡± I nod and smile back.


    ¡°Lemme guess,¡± he drawls, throwing the basketball through the basket. ¡°You won the lottery and your rich?¡±


    I chuckle, shaking my head, before I shrug and nod. ¡°I feel like I picked the winning lot, though.¡±


    ¡°Why¡¯s that?¡± He walks over to the supply room to get rid of the basketball.


    ¡°I have a friend, right?¡±


    ¡°Most certain, Favre.¡± He smiles widely, and I notice how his smiles are back to meeting his eyes as soon as he walks closer. The little sparkles are back, the amusement evident. The white¡¯s in his eyes are back to white. He seems more rested and I guess he¡¯s doing way better than he did yesterday. ¡°Happy to hear it makes you happy.¡± He winks, before he sits down next to me. ¡°Why aren¡¯t you in those boring clothes?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not participating in P.E. so I don¡¯t own a pair of those boring clothes anymore.¡±


    Calo chuckles, taking the book from my hold. ¡°Really? ¡°Badminton, the basics¡±?¡± He chuckles, turning the book around to read the back.


    ¡°I have to write an essay about Badminton to get a grade and pass the class.¡±


    ¡°Boring, but effective, I guess.¡± He chuckles, handing me back the book. ¡°So, why don¡¯t you participate?¡±


    ¡°The lines¡­¡± I mutter, staring down, feeling a bit ashamed, having to admit I¡¯m incapable of joining P.E. because of some stupid lines.


    ¡°Ah, I guess it is kind of a challenge to play badminton while avoiding all those lines, yeah.¡± Calo nods and chuckles. ¡°I can try, though.¡±


    ¡°What? No!¡± I let out a soft laugh. ¡°That would ruin your grade.¡±


    ¡°We¡¯re getting graded today?¡±


    ¡°I have to hand in my essay at the end of the class.¡± I nod, showing him the essay that is folded and in the back of the book. ¡°So, I guess you guys will get grades today.¡±


    ¡°Then I¡¯ll be serious today. But next week, I¡¯ll try to avoid the lines just to see if you¡¯re being a baby.¡±


    ¡°Hey!¡± I stare at him with wide eyes, as some of our classmates start walking inside. ¡°I¡¯m not a baby, believe me. It got Pyper in hospital when I stepped on the line.¡±


    ¡°Oh, I didn¡¯t know that.¡± Calo frowns. ¡°Do bad things happen whenever we step on those lines?¡±


    ¡°No, It¡¯s my burden.¡± I shrug. ¡°Or maybe it¡¯s everybody¡¯s burden, but I¡¯m simply one of the few who¡¯s aware of the effects.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s dark, dude. I thought you had humour, but now it¡¯s chill and dark.¡± He laughs as I stare at him ashamed and unsure. ¡°I¡¯m just kidding, dude. Loosen up a bit. You can¡¯t scare me away, okay? Even if you don¡¯t want me as a friend, I¡¯ll still be the annoying dick I am, forcing my friendship upon you.¡±


    I can¡¯t help but laugh a little louder, catching Luke¡¯s attention. He simply looks back and forth between Calo and me shortly, before walking all the way to the other side of the benches, sitting as far away as possible.


    For the rest of the time during P.E., Jimmy and Luke keep sending dirty looks in Calo¡¯s and my direction, constantly seemingly annoyed by my happy attitude of the day.


    Calo¡¯s been acting like a clown, getting some of the classmates on his hand and laughing whenever he does something silly. Every time he does, he looks towards me to see if I saw whatever he did, and when I laugh, he smiles contently. He¡¯s actually trying to entertain me.


    Halfway down the nearly two-hour lasting class, Coach Brynn calls out two students at a time, letting them play a match while grading them. And in this process, he lets me help him to write down the grades and even discuss grades whenever he doubts. Calo being in the third couple that gets a grade. For the next five minutes, he is serious, doing his best and showing Coach Brynn what exactly he¡¯s capable of with a shuttle and a racket. He gets an A, off course because I pointed out that his opponent, Corey, who got an A-, made a couple more mistakes and it wouldn¡¯t be fair to grade them the same way.


    While they are required to play badminton for fun during the grading process, I focus on helping coach Brynn to grade the rest. Fifteen minutes prior to the end of class, all who have been graded are allowed to leave, while seven students still need to get graded; including Luke and Jimmy.


    I shortly watch Calo look at me with a displeasing look on his face, but then the coach calls for them to move and get dressed for the next class and he walks into the locker room.


    I patiently wait for the rest to get their grades, not intervening with Jimmy¡¯s or Luke¡¯s grades for my own sake. I reread parts of my essay, knowing I will have to give a short ¡°presentation¡± about what I found out, before he¡¯ll accept the essay.


    I¡¯m the last to leave the hall, after coach told me to just give him the papers and go to make it to my last class, since the bell already rang twice. He writes me a note to tell the next teacher why I am late, and then I hurry into the locker room. I¡¯m shocked and come to a standstill as I find my locker opened, the lock twisted, my stuff all over the floor. Books are missing and then I notice that my backpack is thrown into the bin.


    My eyes widen and I shudder at the thought of ever touching that bag again. Or any of the stuff in there. I¡¯m taking in the scene, not noticing Luke came up from behind, grabbing me from behind by putting his arm around my neck.


    ¡°Let¡¯s have fun, shall we?¡± He whispers, pulling me down, causing me to bend and walk in that way. I already know where he¡¯s taking me and I start to panic, as he forces me into the shower area, one of the few places in school that I¡¯ve never entered, purely due to the tiled floor. At first, I¡¯m able to balance my toes on the small tiles, but then Luke pulls me forwards, sending me off balance. He pushes me towards the back of the area, but not without me stepping on at least a dozen of the cracks in between the tiles.


    I¡¯m in complete panic as Luke and Jimmy laugh at me, their voices echoing in the room.


    ¡°You¡¯re a freak, Faulty Favre!¡± Luke snaps at me. ¡°This is for you getting us into trouble!¡±


    ¡°I didn¡¯t do it!¡± I cry out loudly, crawling into the corner of the area, trying to hide as much as possible.


    ¡°You¡¯re a freak. They should lock you in.¡± Jimmy calls out tauntingly, his voice echoing. I cover my ears to block out as much of the sounds, which are driving me crazy.


    ¡°You¡¯re a pathetic excuse for a human.¡± Luke hisses close-by my ear. ¡°You¡¯re lucky we don¡¯t want to get caught, but this is just a warning.¡±


    ¡°Let¡¯s go, Luke.¡± Jimmy sounds amused, before their footsteps sound, walking away from me.


    I¡¯m shaking uncontrollably, tears starting to roll down my face as I realize I must have gotten Pyper into trouble again. She must be ill and it¡¯s all because I¡¯m too stupid to keep up my guard. How bad will it be now that I stepped on a dozen of those cracks? Will she die?


    Oh god, she¡¯s gonna die. I caused another one of my siblings to die.


    I¡¯m in complete panic, as breathing becomes difficult, me taking deep grasps of air to get in as much oxygen in as possible. Tears are rolling down my face, sobs escaping the back of my throat, disrupting my breathing even further. I can¡¯t get in enough air for my likings. Sobs and cries come out uncontrollably, while I repeatedly hear the words of Jimmy and Luke repeat over and over again in my mind, all while simply feeling something is off with Pyper, causing panic to become even worse.


    I have no idea for how long I exactly am in here, before Calo shows up in my peripheral vision with a shock ridden face. He takes one look at the floor, me holding up my feet against the wall while I¡¯m curled up in the corner, and he hurries over towards me, sliding the last half a meter on his knees, instantly pulling my head on his lap.


    ¡°Calm down, Neo. Breath in through your nose, keep it in for three seconds, breath out through your mouth.¡± He cups my face while I grabbed hold of his wrist, holding onto him tightly with shaking hands. ¡°Look at me, Neo.¡± He whispers. ¡°Repeat my breading.¡± He takes in a deep breath through his nose and I try to copy him, failing miserably until he retrieves something out of his pocket, turning out to be a small plastic back, that he uses to cover my mouth and nose. ¡°Breath. Breath in an out of the bag.¡±


    At first, I think I¡¯m going to run out of breath, that he¡¯s suffocating me, but eventually, it actually calms down far enough to breath properly.


    ¡°I¡¯m going to get you home,¡± he whispers as he throws aside the plastic bag.


    I can¡¯t talk since I¡¯m completely exhausted. I¡¯m drained from all energy and I lay limply with my head on his lap and my feet up against the wall, knees supporting against the other wall.


    ¡°I¡¯m taking you home,¡± he repeats, retrieving his phone from his pocket, dialling a number while bringing it to his ear.

 Chapter 7 – Doctor Delgado

    Wednesday, November 16th, 2016


    All I remember, is Calo carrying me out of the shower area, and supporting me while taking me outside through the main exit that is meant for visitors and teachers only. We¡¯re accompanied by a guy that showed up ten minutes after Calo called someone, telling him to take the car and come to school.


    It¡¯s all I remember when I wake up in my own bed, shocked to find Calo seated on the foot end of my bed, staring at me in the dark.


    For the first few minutes, all we do is stare at each other. I see some bitterness in his eyes, but mostly worry.


    I clear my throat, thirsty as hell, like always after suffering from a mayor panic-attack. ¡°Where¡¯s Pyper?¡±


    ¡°Asleep in her room.¡± Calo answers with a whisper. ¡°She¡¯s fine. Shocked, but fine.¡±


    I go back to staring at him in silence, wondering what the hell he¡¯s doing here right now. Why is he still here, with me, as he just witnessed what kind of cry baby I am?


    ¡°Calo?¡± My mom¡¯s voice sounds unsurely. ¡°I thought I heard something.¡±


    ¡°Neo woke up.¡± Calo answers, right before the light flicks on, blinding me slightly.


    ¡°The fuck?¡± I grumble, pulling the cover over my head to block out the lights.


    ¡°Honey, how are you feeling?¡± mom asks, tough sounding muffled by the covers. ¡°I brought you water and juice. It¡¯s on your nightstand.¡±


    I throw back the covers, shooting upright to chuck down the water, followed by the juice, thankful for any fluids to go down my dry throat.


    Calo smiles, though it¡¯s a sad smile, causing me to sigh, feeling a bit ashamed, still feeling drained from most energy. I pull the cover back over me, shaking a bit.


    ¡°Are you cold, sweety?¡± mom whispers, moving to grab my extra blanket to cover me up. ¡°just go to sleep and get some rest. Calo is sleeping over and if something¡¯s wrong, he¡¯ll come and get your dad or me, okay?¡±


    I nod, far from energized enough to fight the fact Calo is going to stay over. I don¡¯t want him to see me tomorrow. Because I know I jammed in the shower area and I already know what¡¯s going to happen in the morning.


    I don¡¯t want him to see me at my weakest. But I¡¯m back asleep too soon to let them know I want Calo to leave.


    Much to my surprise, he is indeed gone once I wake up the next morning.


    It stings a bit, because I guess on the other hand, I did like the fact he stayed with me to keep an eye on me. I do like the fact I have a friend now.


    I just don¡¯t like the fact he saw me in a panicky frenzy and had to carry me out of the shower area; bridal style. Ugh.


    I push myself upwards, happy to find new drinks on my nightstand, but exhausted and still a bit scared overall.


    Since I¡¯m obviously going to stay home today, Pyper didn¡¯t put out any clothes, still surprising me a bit.


    She puts clothes out no matter what. If I¡¯m still asleep, she still puts them on the bed.


    Maybe it¡¯s early, but my gut feeling is telling me Pyper became ill and is now in hospital because I touched the lines between the tiles.


    I¡¯m back to shaking in no time, wanting to go and check up on Pyper, hating the fact my mind screams at me to shower first. Get rid of the germs and start the day off the way you¡¯re supposed to.


    I¡¯m torn between settling the nagging voice in the back of my mind to see if Pyper is really okay, or the settle the nerves of all other voices screaming that I have to shower. I have to shower.


    I scoot over to the side of my bed, get out slowly to gain some balance first before I shuffle over to my own personal bathroom to take a quick shower and scrub off any excessive germs.


    It¡¯s in the shower that the image, of my stuff, scattered all over the locker room floor and partially in the bin, flashes through my mind.


    I have to get new stuff. No way I¡¯m ever touching that, ever again.


    I shudder at the thought, making sure I got rid of all the germs, by scrubbing my body again.


    And again.


    And again.


    Every memory of Luke touching me, my stuff in the garbage, it makes me re-scrub and clean my body endlessly.


    My skin tingles and burns because of it, red and partly chapped as I finally am able to leave the shower without freaking out because I might have missed a spot.


    And then it becomes clear why Pyper always picks my outfit. I stare at the closet that I haven¡¯t looked in for weeks, no, months. The only part of the closet that I still access is the part in which my sweaters are.


    It¡¯s a mess.


    Colours are wrong, sizes are off. The clothes are folded neatly, but they¡¯re placed so randomly that I want to scratch my eyes by the looks of it.Unauthorized usage: this tale is on Amazon without the author''s consent. Report any sightings.


    But I have to make sure Pyper is okay.


    But I can¡¯t walk down in my boxer shorts, now can I?


    I¡¯d catch a cold, I¡¯d be exposed to even more germs. Mom and dad will notice the rest of the bruises all over my body, that I managed to hide for them to not make them more worried about the bullying.


    Clothes first, checking on Pyper later.


    * * * * *


    I think mom was planning on checking if I was still in bed, when she found me in the middle of my room, wearing my sleeping clothes again because I had to reorganize the closet. I simply jammed, and I knew it would happen. There¡¯s simply too many tabs open in my mind, too many things to keep in mind, to prevent from happening. I can¡¯t let the house burn down, I can¡¯t let germs kill me and take away my parents¡¯ first-born ¨C though dysfunctional ¨C son. I have to know if I got Pyper in trouble already. Mom can¡¯t slip, dad can¡¯t get in an accident, Calo can¡¯t be sick again and grandpa can¡¯t have a heart attack. But those colours all over the place, made me actually scratch my eyes until it started bleeding a bit.


    I had to put the colours in the right place, but now my clothes are all over the place, all in small stacks, covering every clean surface in my room and it¡¯s so intense and chaotic, that I just stood there, and stared towards the empty closet; the only speck of untouched white in my close vicinity.


    Mom simply forced me to put on some sweatpants, my favourite sweater that she bought in The Cavern Club and pulls a cap over my messy hair.


    She called dad, she called someone else ¨C who I assume was going to book me an emergency meeting with another therapist ¨C and then she covered my eyes and guided me towards the kitchen, making sure to let me skip over the tiles in front of the door.


    ¡°What happened, Neo?¡± She demands in a harsh way. ¡°Calo couldn¡¯t explain, because he didn¡¯t see what happened, he just took care of the aftermath when he got nervous because you didn¡¯t show up in the next class.¡±


    I stare towards the sink and the dishes still there from breakfast, shuddering and immediately wanting to grab y disinfectant lotion, not finding it in my pocket.


    Mom simply takes in a deep breath, opens a drawer and hands me a new bottle. ¡°What. Happened.¡±


    ¡°I stepped on the lines.¡± I exclaim in shock, staring at her with big, frightened eyes. ¡°And now Pyper is in hospital and she¡¯ll probably die and it¡¯s all my fault because I didn¡¯t fight hard enough to not step on those goddamn lines ¨C,¡±


    ¡°Neo, Pyper is fine, a bit of a cold, but she always gets that a week after treatment. She¡¯s in school, she¡¯s fine. Nothing happened.¡±


    ¡°But it will happen.¡± I cry out. ¡°It must have happened, why else didn¡¯t Pyper grab me my clothes?¡±


    ¡°Because she overslept herself and I told her to skip it and move her ass to school. I knew your day was doomed anyway. You just jammed a bit early.¡± She sighs deeply yet again. ¡°Dad will be here in five minutes and we¡¯re taking you to a new doctor ¨C,¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t¡¯ want to see a psychiatrist anymore!¡± I cry out, covering my eyes, that sting as soon as the first tear rolled over one of the scratches. ¡°I don¡¯t want to have OCD, I don¡¯t want to suffer, I don¡¯t want all of these responsibilities. I wanna be normal! And if I can¡¯t be normal, I want to be dead.¡±


    ¡°Neo!¡± mom exclaims in shock with a high-pitched voice. ¡°Don¡¯t you ever think about giving up, Neo.¡± She hurried towards me. ¡°You never said anything like that. What happened, Neo? I need to know.¡±


    ¡°I was irresponsible, mom!¡± I snap at her, pushing her away, instantly using more disinfectant lotion, before harshly rubbing in my eyes to get those stupid tears to stop falling. ¡°I was too freaking happy because Calo wants to be my friend, I wasn¡¯t paying attention. I should¡¯ve paid attention! I¡­ I¡­¡± I break down crying.


    I cried until the pool of tears dried up and even then, I was sobbing and ugly-crying, shaking heavily, completely blocking out the entire world.


    By the time I regained some of my senses, I¡¯m seated in front of a doctor who looks like an older version of Calo, who happens the be called doctor Martin Delgado.


    Calo the Traitor.


    He told my parents to bring me to his father. Apparently, doctor Delgado has more experience helping people who suffer from OCD, who are being tortured by their own brains.


    Those who are an abomination to society like me.


    Who are freaks, who malfunction, who ruin everybody¡¯s lives.


    Who are faulty, Faulty Favre.


    ¡°Tell me what it is you think will happen.¡± Doctor Delgado repeats his question, still sounding as patient as twenty minutes ago when he introduced himself as Martin Delgado.


    ¡°We will all burn in hell.¡± I grumble, refusing to tell Calo¡¯s dad my deepest, darkest secrets. Bet they¡¯ll have fun over it during dinner.


    He smiles with one corner of his lips, scribbling something down. ¡°Did you have trust issues with your former therapist too?¡±


    ¡°Duh.¡± I give him a roll of the eye. ¡°And I don¡¯t trust you either.¡±


    ¡°Why didn¡¯t you trust him?¡± He shortly looks to one of the many papers in my medical file that mam handed to him. ¡°Doctor Avery Pelham? What did you not like about him.¡±


    ¡°He¡¯s a therapist.¡± I spit out, sliding down in my seat some more, sulking like a kid because he keeps bombarding me with questions that have nothing to do with a solution.


    Dad had to get me out of the house by covering my eyes so that I would not see the chaos that we would leave behind. The left-behind business of my morning rituals. They had to drag me to the car and nearly tie me down for I was about to run back in and finish what needed to be finished.


    They gave me a bottle of water in the car and I¡¯m not stupid. I know there¡¯s meds in the water that are supposed to calm me down. I know they have those meds to give to me whenever it¡¯s an emergency, like today.


    It helped me relax, but along with the exhaustion after yesterday''s panic-attack, my body feels numb and empty, while my head is still buzzing with dark thoughts.


    I further ignore any and all attempts from doctor Delgado to start up a conversation. Eventually, after talking to my parents the last ten minutes, he prescribed me medication to keep me calm during the day.


    ¡°It¡¯s about creating some peace in his mind in which is place to start thinking differently. Right now, his mind is too full with his compulsions and obsessions.¡± Doc Delgado hands the paper slip with the prescribed meds to my mom. ¡°It¡¯s nothing heavy, it¡¯s just that small push in the right direction.¡±


    ¡°And when can he see you again?¡±


    ¡°I went over my schedule and since Neo needs help we made sure he can see me twice a week, once every Tuesday, and once every Friday.¡±


    Great, I guess I¡¯m going to see a therapist again. But maybe this isn¡¯t that bad. Maybe he can help me to calm down some more.


    Maybe, Calo¡¯s dad will be able to cheer me up like Calo does.


    At least I know he brought up a decent son who doesn¡¯t judge me for my flaws. Despite my irky habits, my compulsions, my obsessions, Calo still wants to be my friend and that might be because his dad has the same opinion; that it doesn¡¯t define who I am.


    But it does define me, doesn¡¯t it?


    Calo is just capable of ignoring it, so far.


    But I bet there will be a moment in which he will get sick and tired of me and my episodes, my anxiety and my compulsions.


    But I should at least give this a try. Try to change for the better so that I will not scare Calo away and I will have him as a friend for a long time.


    Because really, that¡¯s all I want right now; have Calo to be my friend and for me not to scare him away.

 Chapter 8 – The Floor is Lava

    Monday, November 21st, 2016


    I¡¯ve had a bit of a rough morning, after an intense silent therapy session with Doctor Delgado. I can¡¯t believe Calo gave my parents his contact information and I can¡¯t believe he got is father to agree on seeing me right the same day, instead of having to wait for weeks until a spot opens up.


    Mom forget to put towels and other stuff in the right place, and Pyper placed the clothes in the wrong spot because she was running late for her next day in suspension, sending me in a slight panic-attack.


    Then it caused me a dozen attempts to get the backpack onto my shoulder the right way, and I couldn¡¯t flick the lights off because I had a different song in my mind that messed up my rhythm. It¡¯s the tune to the news that dad was watching after I left the shower. He should¡¯ve been to his work by now, but since I¡¯m constantly freaking out, he took the day of in case mom needs help to pick me up in school or whatever.


    After trying to flick the lights of for about twenty times, mom knocks on my door and opens it with a worried look on her face. She seems stressed, and I¡¯m the one to blame.


    This morning isn¡¯t the only thing that is putting me on edge. It took until about two at night before I was able to go to bed, and mom kept checking on me to see if I was in bed. She didn¡¯t sleep a lot, I barely slept, and Pyper kept waking all of us up with her coughing frenzies, that started the day after I had a panic attack in the shower area. Which isn¡¯t surprising me, at all.


    I¡¯m late, and I¡¯ve already giving up on going to school. I just want to go downstairs and have breakfast since I¡¯m hungry.


    ¡°Honey, I have to go to the dentist. We have to leave in fifteen minutes, or I will be late.¡±


    ¡°I know.¡± I whine, feeling desperate, messing up another attempt of turning of the lights. Thank god dad connected all the necessary lights onto one switch, instead of a different switch for every light. ¡°I can¡¯t get it right.¡± I¡¯m long past the stage of being calm and rational. ¡°I have to get it right.¡±


    Mom takes in a deep breath, sadly watching me trying to tap right. ¡°I¡¯m calling school. You¡¯re staying home.¡± She wipes away some tears that roll down my face.


    ¡°I want breakfast.¡± I whisper with a hoarse voice. ¡°I¡¯m hungry.¡±


    ¡°Okay.¡± She nods, understanding I have to turn of the lights. ¡°Let¡¯s sing together.¡± She grabs my free hand in both her hands, humming the tune, tapping along with the rhythm. ¡°Just listen and feel.¡±


    We both close our eyes, focusing on the tune, while I¡¯m trying to force the thoughts of everything that will go wrong if I don¡¯t get it right to the back of my mind. I have to get it right, or there will be fire today. The lights will burn down and cause a fire. And with Pyper in a bad condition, that would lead to her not being able to leave the house in time and result in my parents losing yet another child.


    And it will all be on me.


    ¡°Focus, Neo, just the song.¡± Mom whispers with a soothing voice. In the background, Pyper¡¯s coughing sounds and dad¡¯s footsteps on the stairs send me off again, causing me to scream out in frustration. Pyper is staying home from school since she had to go home early yesterday.


    ¡°It¡¯s too loud in here! I can¡¯t concentrate! I hate this!¡±


    ¡°Neo, calm down, sweety.¡± Mom pulls me in a hug, swaying me from left to right calmly. ¡°Just close your eyes and think happy thoughts. Pyper is okay, we¡¯ll visit grandma and grandpa on Sunday. She¡¯ll bake your favourite cookies and grandpa will watch Supernatural with you.¡± She¡¯s holding me protectively, a hand rubbing my back soothingly. ¡°I¡¯ll call off the dentist appointment and I¡¯ll call you in sick for school. We¡¯ll go to the park, buy an ice cream and sit by the pond, feeding the ducks, okay?¡±


    That might sound a bit childish, but sitting there, eating ice cream, feeding the ducks, reminds me of better times. Times in which I didn¡¯t have all these habits and subsequent activities to save the day. Simpler times. Happy times.


    Times in which Pyper wasn¡¯t sick, and I was pretty decent functioning.


    ¡°Just follow my lead, Neo.¡± She whispers, she puts my finger back on the switch, tapping the rhythm while holding me close to her. ¡°Tap, tap ¨C tap, tap ¨C tap, switch.¡± She repeats it twice more, before she pulls back to look at me proudly as soon as I sigh in relief. ¡°See, we¡¯re the best team.¡±


    ¡°Thanks, mom.¡± I mutter, feeling a bit ashamed for screaming a minute ago.


    ¡°Hey, you¡¯re our son. Your father and I love you, and we will always be there for you, okay?¡±


    ¡°I know.¡±


    ¡°Now, let me get you breakfast, and cancel my appointment and your day in school.¡± She taps my cheek three times, pecks a kiss on top of my head and leaves me behind to finish leaving the room myself.


    I wait until she closed the door and walked towards the stairs before I move to follow her down the stairs and into the kitchen. It catches me a bit off guard to find dad seated in there with tired eyes.


    ¡°Morning, sweety.¡± Mom greets me as if she didn¡¯t just help me get out of my room. ¡°Let¡¯s pretend it''s still Sunday, okay?¡± She tells me when she catches me staring towards dad.


    ¡°I¡¯ll try.¡± I nod, sitting down in my regular spot. ¡°Morning dad.¡±


    ¡°Morning kiddo.¡± He smiles at me, though it¡¯s a sad smile. ¡°I heard your mother is taking you to the park today.¡±


    I nod and smile at the made promise.


    ¡°I think it¡¯s safe to say both Neo and I need a time-out and have some alone time.¡± Mom smiles, placing a plate with sweet buns in front of me. ¡°It¡¯s Sunday, remember?¡± She winks, and I smirk, digging into the sweet buns happily. She places a glass of orange juice instead of milk and no lunch, but toast with a sunny-side-up egg.


    ¡°Don¡¯t let anyone know your parents spoil you whenever you¡¯re skipping school.¡± Dad winks too, still smiling. ¡°I think we¡¯re supposed to encourage going to school, instead of reward skipping.¡±


    I chuckle and shrug. ¡°As soon as people know what it¡¯s like to be in this family, they¡¯ll be entitled to form an opinion.¡±


    ¡°Exactly, and until then, they can all just go to¡­¡±


    ¡°Perry!¡± Mom exclaims in shock, not able to hold back a small smile. ¡°We do not judge others, even if they judge us.¡±


    ¡°We just silently curse upon them.¡± Dad winks, I laugh, and mom shakes her head in disapproval.


    ¡°I¡¯m going to make the calls. Finish breakfast and we¡¯ll leave.¡±


    Tuesday, November 22nd, 2016


    ¡°Remember, dad is picking you up, just like always on the fourth Tuesday of the month. He¡¯ll bring you to see doctor Delgado.¡± Mom kisses my cheek. ¡°And we¡¯ll eat pancakes because Pyper wants them and we know you love them.¡±


    ¡°Fine by me.¡± I nod, feeling relaxed after spending half of yesterday in the park with mom, just talking about sweet nothings. We made fun of a duck that was constantly stealing bread away from others, ending up in scaring it away to feed the rest. We ate two ice creams instead of one and mom bought me new Polaroid cassettes, so I can go around and take pictures while the rest of the students in my history class are on a field trip to a museum.


    ¡°And you can stay up and watch Ghost Adventures with dad if you make it through the day without calling.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ll try, I really will.¡±


    ¡°I know you will.¡± She winks. ¡°Dad will probably allow you to watch anyway.¡±


    I know he will. It¡¯s his way to spoil me a bit. And to let me know neither him or mom thinks I use my OCD to get out of school early. They know, whenever I call, I really need to go home.


    ¡°Have a nice day sweety. Be sure to call whenever you need me.¡±


    ¡°Will do.¡± I step out of the car, walking towards the entrance of the school, noticing a small crowd in front of the main student entrance.


    I wonder what people are fuzzing about, but the fact they¡¯re fuzzing about something is evident. There¡¯s a funny mood hanging in the air around me and I carefully shuffle closer, making sure to not touch the lines between the tiles.Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.


    ¡°Just move!¡± Someone calls out annoyed. ¡°Stop blocking the door, freaking toddlers.¡±


    Someone is shoving through the crowd, pushing me aside rather harshly, causing me to nearly end up on the floor.


    ¡°Is this your doing?¡± Angela helps me to regain my balance. ¡°I¡¯m sure it¡¯s not, huh?¡±


    ¡°What is?¡±


    ¡°Look.¡± She grabs my hand, sending a panicky tingle through my body, pulling me through the crowd. We stop in front of the door, where there¡¯s a large piece of red paper, with the word ¡°lava¡± written on it. People are one by one jumping over it, laughing and having fun, while I stare at the paper feeling perplexed.


    ¡°I bet Calo did it, huh?¡± Angela giggles. ¡°Since he stood up for you two weeks ago, he¡¯s been jumping the same spots you jump. Come!¡± She jumps over the spot, and I follow her lead still not knowing what to say. We¡¯re greeted with a large banner with the words ¡°Let¡¯s play a game¡± written on them. It creates a buzz all over school and among students, and even teachers.


    And much to my surprise, most of those teachers joined in, moving around the papers on the floor that say there¡¯s lava.


    It¡¯s not exactly how the game is played, but I recon Calo is simply trying to force people to join my irky habit, instead of laughing at me for it.


    And I can¡¯t help but feel thankful for his stupid humour and his¡­ irkyways of suiting my needs.


    It causes a smile on my face that is wider than it has been since last week. I simply stand in the middle of the hallway, watching other students and teachers play along.


    ¡°When did he do this?¡± I ask in wonder, since there¡¯s a lot of papers, all taped to the floor. ¡°School doesn¡¯t open until half an hour before classes start.¡± That¡¯s fifteen minutes ago.


    He can never have pulled this off in merely fifteen minutes.


    ¡°I don¡¯t know, but it¡¯s pretty cool, isn¡¯t it?¡± Angela¡¯s eyes twinkle in amusement. ¡°Come.¡± She gestures for me to follow her, and while we join in on diverting the tiles and spots marked as lava, we make our way towards the first class of the day. We¡¯re greeted by a handful of classmates, all staring at me with grins on their faces.


    Then I notice the sign on the door: ¡°The floor is lava is so Favre¡±.


    As soon as I stand in the doorway, I find Calo, casually seated at his desk, feet propped up on the desk, typing away on his phone, all with a happy smile on his face.


    The classroom is part of the playground, the place I always jump is off course marked as lava, and there¡¯s small strokes of red paper lined up with the desks legs, projecting little streams of lava that should be avoided.


    And for the first time ever, I¡¯m not the only one who watches his footings while walking through school. Everybody is doing it.


    For the first time ever, I feel like I¡¯m at least a little normal.


    There¡¯s tears of happiness prickling in the corners of my eyes as I watch each and all of my classmates jump into the classroom, enjoying themselves with lots of laughing and cheering.


    ¡°Look, Neo.¡± Angela tapped my arm, pointing towards the two desks that belong to Luke and Jimmy. The whole floor underneath the desks, chairs and around them is one big spot of red and I can¡¯t help but laugh out a bit.


    It caused Calo to look up towards me, smirking devilishly. ¡°So Favre.¡±


    ¡°So Favre.¡± I agree, smirking back.


    ¡°Favre did it before it was cool.¡± He puts away his phone, looking around to the result on the floor of probably a whole lot of hard work.


    ¡°You did all of this?¡±


    ¡°I had a bit of help.¡± He shrugs. ¡°I wanted you to feel welcome again and I contacted your father to make sure you¡¯d be in school today. He told me there was a big change you were going to show up.¡±


    ¡°Dad knew?¡±


    ¡°He didn¡¯t know why I needed to know if you were to show up.¡± He shrugs carelessly, nodding towards the door in amusement.


    Jimmy and Luke showed up, faces red in anger as they push Ramon aside in annoyance.


    ¡°I bet they¡¯re about the only ones not playing along.¡± Calo chuckles as Jimmy and Luke simply walk over the floor, more anger flaring up in their eyes as they notice the floor around their desks. ¡°Now who¡¯s a misfit?¡±


    I can¡¯t help but laugh, stopping as soon as Luke snapped his head in my direction.


    ¡°The fuck, Favre? Are you fucking laughing at me?¡±


    ¡°I think I was, yes.¡± I nod in confirmation. ¡°You¡¯re both a bunch of misfits today. Welcome to my world.¡±


    Calo laughs over my remark, Luke steps in my direction.


    ¡°Is this your doing? We¡¯re not in fucking kindergarten, Faulty Freak.¡± He spits out the last words, causing my smile to disappear as snow in the sun.


    ¡°Oh!¡± Calo calls out. ¡°We¡¯re not? I would¡¯ve sworn we were, judging upon your own behaviour.¡±


    ¡°Shut up, Delgado. Who made you king of the school?¡±


    Calo simply lets out a throaty laugh, shaking his head in disbelief. ¡°My god¡­ king of the school¡­¡± He nudges me. ¡°Did you hear that. Luke thinks there¡¯s a king in school.¡±


    He causes some of our classmates to laugh, though they laugh insecurely. It¡¯s never a good idea to taunt Luke, or Jimmy. But Calo seems like he doesn¡¯t care about becoming their enemy.


    I can¡¯t help but smirk at Luke¡¯s face, full of anger, but obviously incapable of coming up with a decent comeback.


    ¡°Everybody, please take a seat.¡± Mr. Gilman shows up in the door opening, taking in the jungle inside his classroom. ¡°The second bell rang and even though apparently we¡¯re part of one big game, we still have a class to start.¡±


    ¡°Whoever did this, is going to get detention, right? This isn¡¯t a playground.¡± Jimmy calls out in annoyance, tearing away a piece of the red paper next to his chair.


    ¡°Oh, I think it¡¯s a nice¡­ addition. Our government wants us to move more, right?¡± Mr. Gilman winks at me and I wonder if he thinks this is on me. He surprisingly jumps over the floor tile in front of the door, making sure not to touch the streams and puddles of ¡°lava¡± while making his way towards the desk. ¡°We just had a quick meeting and we decided, since it¡¯s nice weather and we¡¯re all in a good mood, today, we¡¯ll allow it.¡±


    ¡°So, recon you like it?¡± Calo nudges me again, smirking at me while I place my stuff on the right spot on the desk.


    I can¡¯t fight back the smile, nodding to answer his question. ¡°I do, thank you.¡±


    ¡°You are very welcome.¡±


    * * * * *


    All thanks to Calo¡¯s large fantasy, my day started of better than any in the past years, and due to the fact the school allows it to last for the entire day, I keep laughing and enjoying myself, watching others play the game. There are, off course, people who do not play along and ignore the tiles. But for once, they¡¯re the ones hollered at by others. They¡¯re the ones who get called to act out for once, stop being boring.


    And after his action, I can¡¯t treat Calo badly anymore. I can¡¯t doubt his intentions, I can¡¯t doubt his actions. He really is my friend.


    ¡°How did you do it?¡± I ask, taking a seat on the grass outside, next to Calo. For once, I don¡¯t spend my lunch alone in the corner of the cafeteria, close to other bullied kids.


    For once, I have a friend to sit with.


    ¡°Large family, the additional boyfriend and girlfriends.¡± He shrugs. ¡°I told them about what they do to you and dad has a dark sense of humour. Since mom got all worked up over the fact people can treat others as poorly as they treat you, dad and I came up with the idea.¡±


    ¡°Your parents helped you?¡±


    ¡°Yeah.¡± He smiles wearily. ¡°So, had a rough week, right?¡±


    ¡°Uhu.¡± I nod, sighing deeply. ¡°Some days are easier than others. Some days it¡¯s hard to leave my room.¡±


    ¡°Well, I hope this helps you through today. One day at a time, right?¡±


    ¡°Yeah¡­¡± I frown, surprised because he actually said something my parents, Pyper and all of my therapists keep telling me, concur one day at a time. Baby steps. Every victory is a victory, no matter how small it is.


    ¡°You¡¯re most definitely not the only one who has a brain with too many tabs open.¡±


    My eyes widen more in surprise, and again, Calo caused me to be at a loss for words. I stare at him, while he¡¯s enjoying the sun with his eyes closed. ¡°Who do you know? I mean, other than me?¡±


    Calo swings his head sideways to look at me with a serious expression on his face. For once, no carefree attitude. ¡°Dark thoughts every so often cloud my mind. And when they do, I can be very¡­ unpleasant to be around.¡±


    ¡°Should I be scared?¡±


    He smiles a small smile, before he shakes his head. ¡°I think, by the looks of it, you¡¯re probably one of the only people who can tell when to back off. Because you know what it¡¯s like on my side of those dark thoughts.¡±


    ¡°So, do you¡­ like¡­ have OCD too?¡±


    ¡°No, no OCD. I just can be really moody, and lord save the people around me when I have one of my moods.¡±


    ¡°Oh, is that what was going on last week? When you came to school to be my friend?¡±


    ¡°I had a bad week.¡± He chuckles awkwardly. ¡°Don¡¯t worry, Neo. I usually target my enemies on a bad day, not my friends. I¡¯m just a bit more silent.¡±


    Which I noticed when he accompanied me in silence for nearly half a day.


    ¡°One more question.¡±


    ¡°Shoot.¡±


    ¡°Why do you do it? Why did you decide to stand up for me?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t really know.¡± He shrugs with a smile. ¡°At first, I thought you were just a geeky kid who was paying attention, but when I got you send to the principal, which I am sorry for, I saw you struggle to leave the classroom. I saw how you had to keep yourself from crying. The fact you disappeared for two days¡­¡± He takes in a deep breath. ¡°It¡¯s not because I pity you, because I don¡¯t. It¡¯s because I understand some of it and I kind of made it my mission to help you as much as I can.¡±


    ¡°Well, you¡¯re the first who doesn¡¯t bully me.¡±


    ¡°People don¡¯t understand, and it frightens them to not understand. So, they do what comes natural to them; they defend themselves in a way to make sure you will never get too close.¡±


    ¡°I hate people,¡± I mutter, staring towards the grass sadly. ¡°I hate life, I hate my illness. I hate how unfair this world is.¡±


    ¡°Sometimes, I do too. But most of the time, I do not. And in those times, I will try to make you change your mind. Because there¡¯s people out there who are kind and loving. There is more to life than your illness. You just have to start discovering that world.¡±


    ¡°Believe me, I¡¯ve tried. But every little thing can throw me off completely, and my battle starts all over again. And then my energy is gone, and I want it all to end. For everybody to go to hell and whatnot.¡±


    ¡°Well, next time you feel that way, know that I¡¯m out here somewhere, and all you have to do is call for me.¡±


    ¡°Really?¡±


    ¡°Really.¡±

 Chapter 9 – Hanging out

    Wednesday, November 23rd, 2016


    The next morning, all the signs of the game are gone, and school returned back to normal again, causing me to feel slightly disappointed because I once again am the misfit in here.


    But, for one day, I felt a bit more normal and I actually told doctor Delgado about it. Off course, since he and Calo came up with the idea together, he already knew about the plan. I just excitedly told him about the outcome and he seemed pleased with the results.


    But as I said, school returned back to normal and I¡¯m accompanied by Calo towards our first class of the day. Not only did I make a friend, not only did he prove to me he is indeed a loyal friend, he shares all my classes too. We have the exact same schedule and I¡¯m thankful for faith unwinding in a way that I am now constantly accompanied by a friend.


    ¡°Okay, you just need to explain one thing.¡± I stop Calo from entering the classroom. ¡°When did you do it? I can¡¯t, for the life of me, figure out when you did it, no matter how much help you had.¡±


    Calo chuckles and shrugs, before he hops his way into the classroom casually.


    ¡°Hey look, it¡¯s Crazy Calo ¨C,¡± Jimmy calls out in mock.


    ¡°Really?¡± Calo frowns, while I hopped in behind him. ¡°Crazy Calo? That¡¯s all you can come up with?¡±


    ¡°What, it¡¯s true, huh?¡± Jimmy shrugs and smirks, though his face flushed a bit. ¡°You are crazy for wanting to hang out with Prima Ballerina.¡±


    Calo pinches the bridge of his nose, seemingly a bit annoyed, while I stand beside him, not knowing if and how to respond. ¡°Could you, maybe, try to like, get those two brain cells of yours to work together and come up with a decent insult? This is just too easy.¡± Calo shrugs it off, heading over to our desks.


    ¡°Too easy?¡± Luke calls after him. ¡°You just don¡¯t know anything to throw back at us. You¡¯re a loser¡­¡±


    ¡°Oh, just because I choose not to lower to a level that the two of you would understand, doesn¡¯t mean that I can¡¯t come up with the same level of insults, let alone better ones.¡±


    ¡°Yeah? Then why don¡¯t you try?¡± Jimmy dares him with a smirk on his face.


    ¡°Let me see. Same level, huh?¡± Calo turns around in his seat while I start to put my stuff in the right place. ¡°Jackass Jimmy and Lameass Luke. Or, more suiting, Jizzy Jimmy and Lezzie Luke.¡±


    ¡°Lezzie?¡± They both frown, before laughing at Calo. ¡°That¡¯s so lame¡­¡±


    ¡°It means lesbian.¡± I roll my eyes. ¡°Homosexual, you know? That¡¯s why he said more suiting. Jizzy as in Jizz, semen, cum?¡± I can¡¯t help but laugh out now. ¡°Jizzy Jimmy and Lezzie Luke, those are pretty funny, Cay.¡±


    ¡°Wait a minute, are you insinuating that I¡¯m gay?¡± Luke fumes in anger now, while the whole class became silent, looking back and forth between them and us.


    ¡°Wow, big words for a two celled brain.¡± Calo mumbles as he puts his stuff in the right place too. ¡°Not only gay, but female too.¡±


    ¡°You better watch your mouth, Delgado.¡±


    ¡°Or else?¡± Calo turned around in his seat to look at them with an unimpressed look on his face. ¡°Or did you forget the fact you got beaten by a girl? I¡¯m not afraid of you.¡±


    The class chuckles, and some even laugh at Luke without trying to hide it. It¡¯s simply awesome to see someone put them in their place for once. Or for someone to be popular enough to cause people to openly laugh at Luke and Jimmy. I¡¯ve never seen it happen before, let alone the fact that very same popular guy wants to be my friend.


    I¡¯m foolishly grinning, sitting down in content, as Calo further ignores Luke and Jimmy, who can¡¯t really do much since Mrs. Gabriel just walked in.


    ¡°So, let¡¯s pretend those dipshits didn¡¯t interrupt our conversation, what was your question?¡± Calo casually finished setting up his table, smiling at the result.


    ¡°Your brushes¡­¡± I point. ¡°Let me¡­¡± I want to move them slightly to the right, as they aren¡¯t exactly in the right place. ¡°Sorry, no, it¡¯s your stuff¡­¡± I roll my eyes. ¡°When did you turn the school into one big playground?¡±


    ¡°Go ahead, Neo, if it¡¯ll make you feel better, move whatever you want.¡± Calo gestures for me to go ahead, causing my face to flush.


    Why would it even bother me that his stuff is out of place?


    Because he¡¯s now my friend, right? I have to take care of him too. From now on, I can¡¯t mess up cutting my bread in four pieces, or he will be sick. I lean in to move his brushes, awkwardly smiling at Calo. ¡°You didn¡¯t answer my question.¡±


    He chuckles, observing what I¡¯m changing about his stuff. ¡°I¡¯ll tell you, if you explain why you have to place stuff in this way.¡±


    I frown, staring down at my stuff in wonder.


    What exactly is the reason I¡¯m putting stuff in the places they are in? I¡¯m biting on the inside of my cheek, trying to remember the reason I started this habit. ¡°I don¡¯t know, I just have to.¡± I shrug, feeling stupid for not remembering the reason, while the first day I met Calo, I freaked out because he moved my notebook. And now I can¡¯t recall the initial doom-scenario that is connected to this habit? ¡°I¡¯ve been doing it for four years and I never tried what happens if I don¡¯t¡­¡±


    Calo stares at me with a plain expression, no laughter, no mocking. ¡°Tell me when you remember.¡±


    ¡°But, I don¡¯t.¡± I whisper, still staring at my stuff confused and embarrassed.


    ¡°Hey, it¡¯s no big deal¡­¡± Calo starts to sound awkward too.


    ¡°It is, Calo.¡± I stare at him with wide eyes. ¡°I¡¯ve been doing this for four years, with no apparent reason. I freak out whenever things aren¡¯t in the right place, without knowing what it is I freak out about!¡±


    Calo stares back and forth between me and my stuff before he leans in and shoves my pencils to the side. ¡°Now tell me what you think.¡±


    I stare at the pencils, while panic rises as they¡¯re rolling further and further away form their spot. My hands are itching to move them back and it¡¯s my initial reaction; to grab the pencils and put them back in their right places, in the right order.


    ¡°Why?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t now.¡± I mutter. ¡°I just have to.¡±


    ¡°Okay, so it¡¯s just because it feels right, huh?¡± Calo smiles, satisfied with the answer, but not calming me down in any way. I¡¯m not happy with the answer, I just don¡¯t have a different answer right now. ¡°They helped. My parents, my brothers, my sisters. My brothers¡¯ girlfriends and Harper¡¯s boyfriend.¡± Calo gets up from his seat to grab his work.


    I¡¯m following him hesitantly, still fuzzing over my stupid brain not being capable of remembering the reason of one of my habits.


    ¡°My dad is best friends with Principal Jameson.¡± Calo continues. ¡°So, he arranged for me that Jameson would let us in at six, so we could prepare the game.¡±This story originates from a different website. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.


    ¡°Jameson knew? And he allowed it?¡±


    ¡°Let¡¯s say dad talked him into it. He wasn¡¯t particularly enthusiastic about it, but he simply offered us entrance and left, pretending he didn¡¯t know jack about it.


    ¡°Oh, right. So, you came here at six in the morning to do all of this? How many brothers and sisters do you have?¡±


    ¡°Six, two sisters, four brothers, three girlfriends and a boyfriend. And of course, Seino¡¯s best friend, because Priyaav is always in for some fun¡­¡±


    ¡°They all helped you out?¡±


    ¡°And dad did too.¡±


    ¡°But they don¡¯t even know me.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, but I do.¡± He shrugs. ¡°And since you¡¯re my friend, you¡¯re their friend too. It¡¯s just how my family works.¡±


    I stare at him with my mouth slightly agape. Not that I consider myself their friend, since I¡¯ve never met his family, but to hear him say that nearly a dozen people came to school to do this for me, considering me to be their friend, simply because Calo considers me as his friend, is warming my heart.


    ¡°I¡¯ll tell you what, why don¡¯t you come over after school? Meet my family and hang out with me? We could play video games or whatever.¡±


    ¡°What? Y-you want me to¡­ come over?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, that¡¯s what friends to, right?¡±


    I send him a dry deadpanning look. ¡°I don¡¯t know what friends do, Cay. I never had one, remember.¡±


    ¡°Oh¡­ right.¡± He scratches the back of his head. ¡°I keep forgetting because I find it hard to believe that nobody noticed Favre you are.¡±


    I can¡¯t help but laugh out a bit, shaking my head in disbelief, before I decide on focussing on my drawing. ¡°Sure, I¡¯ll come over. But, if I want to go home, I go home. No discussion whatsoever.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ll even make Lorenzo bring you home with the speed of light if needed.¡±


    ¡°Who¡¯s Lorenzo?¡±


    ¡°My older brother. He¡¯s the only one of us old enough to drive. Dad will be home late from work and mom is always too busy with whatever it is she¡¯s doing.¡±


    ¡°Oh, okay.¡±


    ¡°But cool, text your mom, tell her we¡¯ll drop you off whenever you want to go home.¡±


    * * * * *


    I stare with wide eyes as Lorenzo steers the car towards a huge mansion, of which I know was built last year. Now that I know Calo lives in the huge mansion that was talk of the town for months, I can''t help but wonder where they used to live before moving in here. Calo mentioned his brother Seino''s best friend Prayaav helped to turn the school into a playground, so I don''t think they used to live far away. But I''ve never heard of a guy called Seino in school, nor have I heard about anyone else called Delgado as new students.


    ''Hey, Cay?¡± I turn around to watch him, as he politely told me to take a seat in the car wherever I wanted - I prefer the front seat - and wait until he looks up from his phone. ''Where did you go to school before you came to Haven?¡±


    Calo''s face changes shortly, some sort of fear flashing before his eyes. Then he shortly looks towards Lorenzo in the back mirror and I wonder if I asked a wrong question.


    ''Sorry, it''s none of my business. Forget I asked,¡± I mutter embarrassed, turning back around, but not without missing the small smile that crept onto his face.


    ''It''s nothing to be ashamed of, Cal.¡± Lorenzo tells him with a plain voice. ''If anyone would understand...¡±


    ''I''m just not proud and you know I ain''t,¡± Calo coldly answers, before sighing deeply. ''North Haven institution.¡± He whispers, causing my head to snap back up in shock.


    ''You went to North Haven?¡±


    ''Yeah....¡±


    ''But... why?¡±


    ''Because I''ve been chronically depressed since birth.¡± He shrugs.


    ''But...¡± I want to say all these things. Like how it doesn''t make any sense. Calo is so... not depressed. ''So...¡±


    Lorenzo parks the car but for some reason, neither him nor Calo moves to get out.


    ''You... are you...¡±


    ''Just ask, Ne. I ask you enough questions.¡± Calo sounds a bit annoyed.


    ''It''s a mask, huh?¡± I turn back around to look at him, while I notice Lorenzo smiling at me from the corner of my eyes. ''The cheerful you? It''s an act.¡±


    ''Most of the time, yeah.¡± Calo stares right back at me, face without an expression. ''That''s all you have to ask?¡±


    ''There''s about a gazillion questions all fighting inside my mind. But I''m used to chaos and I, for one, hate a crossfire with questions.¡±


    Lorenzo is now smirking. ''See? If anyone understands, it''s Neo.¡±


    ''I just...¡± I take in a deep breath. ''Principal Jameson said something about them constantly advising my parents to send me there.¡±


    ''You don''t belong there.¡± Calo shakes his head, opening the car door. ''And I don''t belong there anymore either.¡±


    ''That''s good, I think. I mean... you''re feeling good enough to conquer Jizzy Jimmy and Lezzie Luke.¡±


    It causes Calo to let out a roaring laugh. As soon as I get out of the car, he smiles at me thankfully.


    ''Is that why you decided not to go along with the rest? Be my friend?¡±


    ''No, honestly, you are Favre. The rest is boring. I can''t stand boring people.¡± He chuckles, surprising me by putting an arm around my shoulder, pulling me towards the front door. ''Welcome to Casa Delgado.¡± He hums, while I wonder why my mind isn''t completely freaking out because he''s touching me. But then I remember the fact it was Calo who carried me out of the showers at school. He''s the one that carried me to the car, and home.


    I guess I feel safe enough to allow him to come this close, without completely freaking out, wanting to shower and scrub for hours.


    ''What''s wrong?¡± He asks as soon as we hopped inside, suddenly realizing he is touching me. ''Oh, shit. I didn''t think.¡±


    ''No, it''s... okay. I''m okay.¡±


    ''Are you sure?¡±


    ''Yeah, -¡±


    ''Harper!¡± Ah screeching female voice sounds angrily from above us. ''Give me back MY dress!¡±


    ''You never wear it!¡± Another female voice sounds in annoyance, voice lifted to half a shout. ''Stop being a bitch!¡±


    ''It''s mine! You freaking kleptomaniac!¡±


    ''Greedy bitch!¡±


    ''Welcome to my world.¡± Calo grins, staring upwards too. ''Those two would be my sisters, Harper and Yasmine. Let''s meet them later.¡± He gestures for me to follow, heading into a large office in the front of the house. There''s three computers and a wall full of books. Calo dumps his backpack by one of the desks and I follow his lead.


    ''Wanna meet Seino?¡± Calo is leaving the office again and I follow him hesitantly. At least the house looks clean and I don''t have to worry much about germs.


    Even the windows look flawless, the cabinets and closets are all free from dust and there''s a faint smell of cleaning supplies filling the air.


    ''Do you wanna meet him? Or anyone? Or you wanna go up and play videogames?¡±


    ''No, I want to meet them.¡± I shrug shuffling a foot back and forth. ''They helped, right?¡±


    ''Yeah, they did.¡±


    ''I want to thank them.¡±


    ''Oh, you don''t have to...¡±


    ''But I want to. Nobody has ever done something for me. Let alone people who don''t even know me.¡±


    ''Well, if you insist.¡± He smiles. ''They didn''t mind turning school into a kindergarten. I bet they all wish they could do the same in their school.¡±


    ''How old are they anyway?¡±


    ''Lorenzo is nineteen, Seino seventeen, the rest is fifteen.¡±


    ''Wait, you''re seventeen, right?¡±


    ''Yeah, you catch on quick. Seino is my twin brother; my younger siblings are a quadruplet.¡±


    I can feel my eyebrows fly upwards in surprise. ''Wow. Quadruplets?¡±


    ''Mom had trouble conceiving, and then the treatment was really successful.¡± Calo chuckles again, but ever since knowing he is chronically depressed, I wonder how many times he forces himself to smile, chuckle or laugh without feeling it. I, for one, do it all the time. ''Sometimes I wish I wouldn''t have two sisters. They''re terrible at times...¡±


    ''Don''t say that,¡± I tell him sadly, ''Mom wanted more kids... she should''ve had two more...¡±


    Calo looks at me confused.


    ''I had a baby brother who was born dead at five months, and Pyper had a twin sister who died two hours after birth. I wish I had two sisters...¡±


    ''Oh, I''m so sorry, I didn''t know. I didn''t really... I mean... Ne, I didn''t mean it in a bad way.¡±


    ''I know. Just, be careful what you wish for.¡±


    He nods while taking in a deep breath. ''I love them endlessly. Just wish they wouldn''t fight all the time.¡±


    ''They''re girls, they''ll fight. But I think if the need each other, they''re there to help.¡±


    ''Oh, they are.¡± Calo grins and there''s a twinkle in his eyes that causes me to smile too. ''Only when dad forces them. Yasmine always runs to Lorenzo, while Harper is more my buddy and comes to me for help.¡±


    ''So, you''re close with Harper?¡±


    ''Yeah, but Seino and I are like two peas in a pot. We are twins, and its noticeable in everything. How we act, how we look, how we think... minus my darks thoughts. Those are mine and mine alone.¡±

 Chapter 10 – Family dinner

    Wednesday, November 23rd, 2016


    We walk past an empty living room, past the stairs leading upwards, to a large, homey kitchen. I absolutely love their kitchen. There''s a large counter right in the centre of the kitchen, with barstools on one side. There''s an opening on our right, in which I can see the dining room. I think their kitchen, combined with the dining room, is nearly the surface of our entire house. But the huge dining table isn''t a surprise if you think about the fact there''s nine family members to sit down with.


    ''Hey dipshit,¡± Calo slaps a guy on his back pretty hard and I cringe at the contact. The guy just turns around as if it''s nothing and he causes my jaw to drop.


    They are like two drops of water; almost identical. They have the same facial features; mouth, nose, eyes, the smirk on Seino''s face recognizable from whenever Calo smirks, only slightly more real.


    So, Calo does force those smirks and grins onto his face a lot.


    ''This is Neo.¡± Calo gestures towards me and now the guy who is sitting with Seino behind two laptops and tons of books and papers, turns around too. Both look at me with a smile, while I''m standing still in the door opening.


    ''Hey, nice to meet you!¡± Seino turned around a bit, holding out his hand. But since I''m not standing in the door opening for nothing, I refuse to walk up and shake his hand; which then drops back down to his leg. ''I don''t bite...¡±


    Calo''s eyes follow mine as I stare down to the tiled floor. They''re simply too small to walk on. I''d evidently step on a line.


    Calo''s eyes widened in realization. ''Let''s meet in the living room.¡± Calo walks back out, pulling me along towards the living room. He obviously isn''t mimicking my irky habits at home, as he simply walks into the living room, while I stop to see if there''s need to jump. But the floor is plain, the door opening isn''t really a door anyway and there''s no objects that force me to jump, so I hesitantly follow him inside the living room.


    Now I remember why I never minded the fact I had no friend to visit. New houses are exhausting to discover.


    ''So, you''re Neo, huh?¡± Seino and the foreign looking guy walk in behind us, me stepping a bit away as Seino again offers me his hand to shake.


    ''Neo doesn''t shake hands,¡± Calo casually tells them. ''That ugly version of me is Seino, and his friend is Prayaav.¡±


    ''Hi... I''m Neo...¡±


    ''Favre.¡± Seino chuckles in the exact same way Calo always does. ''You''re Favre. You''re the reason Calo started using that to indicate cool things.¡±


    ''You do that at home too?¡±


    ''What can I say, favre is favre.¡±


    Seino and Prayaav laugh because of him and Calo smirks with a shrug. ''Where''s the rest?¡±


    ''Mom went out for shopping and Tom¨¢s and Tiago are both at practise.¡±


    ''Oh, right.¡± Calo shrugs.


    ''And Harper and Yas are currently turning the first floor into a warzone, so make wise decisions about where you''re going.¡±


    ''Let''s just go to my room and play video games, you can meet them at dinner.¡±


    ''Dinner?¡± I bite my lip. ''I don''t know about dinner... Cay.¡± I really don''t want to sit at a table with eight strangers and Calo, while they can shamelessly stare at my weird as habits for dinner. Besides, Mrs. Delgado doesn''t know how to hand me my food.


    ''I¡¯m sure you do. Mom makes the best... oh.¡± He cuts his sentence short. ''You probably don''t like eating spareribs, do you?¡±


    ''No, but it''s fine, I can have dinner at home...¡±


    ''But then you''d have to leave in an hour or so.¡± Calo seems disappointed at the thought of m leaving that early. And since he''s my only friend, I don''t want to upset him, or cause a fight. I can''t lose him.


    ''Maybe I could stay...¡± I whisper, while Seino flops down on the couch while Prayaav already lay down with his shoes on top of the other couch. I stare towards his feet while addressing Calo. ''But... I don''t want to be a bother... I''m not eating spare ribs and...¡±


    ''I''ll call mom and ask for something more hygienic.¡± Calo shrugs, retrieving his phone from his pocket, in the same time following my gaze and pushing Prayaav''s feet of the couch. It earns him a scowl and a questioning look, until he notices me staring.


    Now I remember why I hate meeting new people again. They stare at me as if I''m an alien, just like Calo did the first day we met.


    But Calo quickly adapted, and Prayaav helped him to get the game ready, so maybe he''ll stop staring at me with curious eyes before the day is over.


    Let''s hope, or I will freak out soon.


    * * * * *


    I''m watching Calo setup the Xbox, while calling mom to tell her I will be having dinner with the Delgado''s.


    ''Honey, are you sure?¡± Mom isn''t instantly agreeing to it, knowing it''ll mean Calo''s mom has to do everything the same way she''s been doing for years. It''s like a second nature to her by now, but Calo''s mom might not be too happy with my requests.This story has been unlawfully obtained without the author''s consent. Report any appearances on Amazon.


    According to Calo, she won''t mind.


    ''Calo says it''s fine,¡± I answer insecurely. It''s just a change in food and the subsequent placing of stuff, right?¡±


    ''And the dishes,¡± mom starts her next round of protest. ''She has to keep the sink clean for you to wash your hands. Do they have paper towels? What about sitting in the right spot?¡±


    ''Mom, they have a dishwasher and there''s nine of them. She''s not doing the dishes by hand.¡±


    ''Oh...¡± she takes in a deep breath. ''But the paper towels... the seatings...¡±


    ''I''m sure we can figure that out...¡± I notice Calo looking at me and I send him a roll of the eye, causing him to chuckle.


    ''What''s the objection?¡± He asks.


    ''Mom is worried because you don''t have the paper towels I need to dry my hands. And she''s worried I can''t sit in the spot I want...¡±


    ''Did you tell them you are allergic to peanuts?¡±


    ''I told them about my allergy, mom.¡±


    ''I don''t know about this, Neo. You are always so tired after visiting a new place and you have school tomorrow. I would feel better if you go over another time, on Friday or during the weekend.¡±


    ''But mom!¡± I call out in annoyance. ''I want to play games with Calo and if I have to eat at home I have to leave too soon.¡±


    ''Let me call Mrs. Delgado to talk about it and then I''ll decide if I''ll allow it, okay?¡±


    ''Mom... I''m not a toddler.¡±


    ''But you''ve had some rough days and tomorrow you''ll have the replacing assignment... I''m calling Mrs. Delgado and see what she''s willing to do. Text me the number.¡±


    I groan in annoyance, but I guess this is just another of these things she wants to forbid. And she won''t back down. It''s a miracle on its own that she''s willing to call with Mrs. Delgado about this.


    I do as she asks, letting Calo text her the number while I sit down on the two-seater couch in his huge bedroom. Luckily, there''s floorboards all over the first floor and I don''t mind stepping on the lines in between those. And then there''s carpet on his bedroom floor, making things even more easy. I do notice the imprints of his desk on a wall beside the door, but it has been moved and is now under his window. According to Calo, he couldn''t decide on how to design his bedroom and he just moved it back and forth. But since they only moved in three weeks, I have a feeling he moved it when I was in the bedroom. Even though it does seem impossible to move the entire desk, the computer, and the power outlets in the short time I took to pee and wash my hands. The tiles in the bathroom were large and easy to walk on.


    So, I''m not exactly sure if he did move it on purpose.


    Halfway during the second match of Fifa soccer, mom texted to let me know she had come to an agreement with Mrs. Delgado and i was allowed to stay over for dinner. Thank god.


    * * * * *


    I''m a bit nervous once we sit at the table. Seino, Prayaav, Tom¨¢s and Tiago all in our company, long with a girl named Ginger, who is Tom¨¢s girlfriend, Effie, who is Lorenzo''s girlfriend and Mr. Delgado, seated at the head of the table. I''m directly in his left, in the same spot I always sit at home, right corner of the long side that is facing the windows, back towards the entrance Calo and I used to avoid the kitchen''s floor tiles.


    ''I hope you feel welcome. Calo told us so much about you.¡± Mr. Delgado - or doctor Delgado to me - smiles proudly towards Calo. ''I hope Calo doesn''t talk the ears off your head like he does at home.¡±


    Calo rolls his eyes and I chuckle awkwardly, shaking my head to tell him I don''t think Calo is tiring me out. The thing is, I feel awkward to sit at the same dining table with doctor Delgado, even though he pretends he never met me before.


    ''Hey!¡± A girl appears in the opening from the kitchen to the dining room. ''Calo, that''s my seat!¡±


    ''Tonight, Neo sits here,¡± Mr. Delgado gestures towards an empty seat on the other side of the table.


    ''I''m not sitting next to Yasmine,¡± she grumbles in annoyance. ''I always sit next to Cal.¡±


    ''And tonight, you''re not. I have a friend over, Harper.¡± Calo gestures to me. ''This is Neo.¡±


    ''Oh!¡± She perks up a bit. ''You''re the guy we did the floor is lava for, huh?¡± She grins, and I nod with a small smile. She walks over, wanting the give me a hand.


    ''Neo doesn''t shake hands.¡± Calo slaps her hand away. ''Ne, this is my sister Harper. The devil, Yasmine, will be down any second, because Harper is still wearing her dress.¡±


    Harper and Calo share a smirk, before Harper chuckles.


    ''It looks better on me anyway.¡±


    You can definitely tell that Tom¨¢s, Tiago and Harper are part of a quadruplet. They all look the same, though Harper is slightly smaller.


    Lastly, Lorenzo and who I assume is Yasmine, walk inside. The latter sends Harper an angry look, sitting down next to her.


    ''If you spill on it, you''re going to pay for it.¡± She hisses. All the guys sigh, roll their eyes and seem fed-up with their fight, that has been going on ever since Calo and I arrived here.


    I sit and listen to them talking animatedly about their day, Mr. Delgado mot once telling something about his work, Calo telling him about the discussion he had with Luke and Jimmy. Then Mrs. Delgado walks in with food, Lorenzo following her to help.


    ''Hey! We were going to eat spareribs!¡± Yasmine calls out as soon as she notices the chicken.


    Lorenzo, Tom¨¢s and Mrs. Delgado set the table, before she comes back in with a set up plate and a glass of water, me knowing that is my food.


    She smiles a lovely smile, placing the plate first, and the glass second. ''I hope you like my cooking as much as your mom''s.¡±


    ''Thanks, Mrs. Delgado, I mutter, feeling a bit out of place because a lot of them are staring at me, probably wondering why the hell their mother made my plate and hands it to me like this. Both Calo and Mr. Delgado ignoring it while leaning in to put food onto their own plates.


    ''Why no spareribs?¡±


    ''Because I decided on chicken.¡± Mrs. Delgado simply answers Yasmine. ''Stop whining, or I will never cook spare ribs again.¡±


    ''You act like a spoiled brat.¡± Harper huffs. ''You always act like a spoiled brat whenever there''s a handsome guy visiting.¡±


    I choke on my foot as all eyes go from Harper and Yasmine towards me.


    Hot guy? Me?


    ''You are totally Yasmine''s type.¡± Harper smirks, getting an elbow between her ribs from Yasmine, who''s face flushed too.


    ''Stop, Harper.¡± Mrs. Delgado tells her, audibly disapproving with her daughter''s behaviour. ''Neo is our guest and I don''t want him to feel uncomfortable.¡±


    Thankfully, the rest of dinner, everybody is too consumed in their conversations to pay attention to me. Calo and Mr. Delgado both obviously noticed the fact I tap my fingers trice between switching eating and drinking, but both are polite enough not to pay attention to it.


    After dinner and dessert, Calo showed me the downstairs bathroom to let me wash my hands, showing me paper towels his mom bought when she went to get different food. I suspect mom having to do something with it, but I''m thankful nonetheless.


    Mrs. Delgado, and actually her husband too, made me feel welcome and they acted as if my habits and compulsions aren''t a bother at all. As if they''re normal.


    I would''ve never thought I would ever feel welcome in a household that isn''t part of my own family.


    Though I feel exhausted once I''m home and in bed. But, I felt happier then I did in a long time. Meeting Calo is the best thing that ever happened to me.

 Chapter 11 – Role reversal

    Thursday, November 24th, 2016


    ¡°Neo?¡± Mom¡¯s voice sounds worried, waking me up from a weird-ass dream in which I sat on a dinner table with Calo¡¯s family, them all mocking me, laughing at me. Calo telling me it was all fake and simply a trick to lure me in, evidently causing me to wake up while crying.


    The door to my room opens hesitantly, while I push myself upwards, rubbing my eyes, wiping away the tears right afterwards.


    ¡°Oh, honey.¡± Mom sighs, walking inside to sit on the side of my bed. ¡°Did you have a bad dream?¡±


    ¡°A weird one,¡± I shrug ashamed of myself. I¡¯m nearly seventeen years old and here I am, being comforted by my mom because I was crying in my sleep. ¡°What time is it?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s almost nine. I called school to tell them you were going to be late, but they didn¡¯t mind because they are sending you out for your replacing assignment anyway.¡± She holds up a printed email. ¡°You have to go around town, photographing whatever you can find that is still evidence of the history of this city. The older, the better.¡± She smiles because I smiled at the thought of again being allowed to do what I like most.


    ¡°And it seems like Calo is going to keep you company, isn¡¯t that great?¡±


    ¡°What? He¡¯s staying with me?¡±


    ¡°Apparently, he didn¡¯t go on the field trip either.¡± She pushes my hair back to peck a kiss on my forehead. ¡°Go get showered, I¡¯ll call Mrs. Delgado to see if we can meet up with them.¡±


    And despite waking up feeling shitty because of that weird dream, the thought about going to hang out with Calo makes me feel all the better.


    I shower, I get dressed in the clothes Pyper already picked, I get to leave my room in one fluent try. All is going well, simply because hanging out with Calo makes me happy.


    But as soon as I enter the kitchen, I notice mom¡¯s worried frown. She places my plate and glass in front of me before she sits down across from me.


    ¡°What¡¯s going on?¡± I ask while preparing myself for the worst. Calo is probably sick of hanging out with me and wants to do the assignment on his own.


    I get that. It was only a matter of time. I just wished it would have lasted a while longer. Now that I tasted part of a life with a friend, I¡¯m sick and tired of living life without one.


    If Calo is sick of me, I might as well end my life now, freeing everybody from having to adapt to me.


    ¡°Calo¡­ has a bad day. That¡¯s why he isn¡¯t on the field trip. They just called him in sick.¡± She smiles carefully. ¡°But we can still do what we initially planned. We can go together. We¡¯ll even go to the park and grab an ice cream¡­¡±


    ¡°I want to see Calo.¡± I tell her firmly. ¡°Or is he adamant about not seeing me anymore?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know, honey. Apparently, his mom thinks it¡¯s better for you to not see him right now.¡±


    I let her words sink in, realizing Calo didn¡¯t decide to not see me, his mom did. And she might not know that I know about Calo being chronically depressed.


    ¡°Can I call Mrs. Delgado? I have to ask something.¡±


    ¡°I think she has to focus on Calo right now ¨C,¡®


    ¡°I think Calo needs a friend.¡± I simply tell her. ¡°I think I know why he is sick, and if I¡¯m right, he needs a friend.¡±


    Mom cocks her head to the side, staring at me in wonder.


    ¡°I have two weeks to finish the assignment, so we could always do it later, right?¡±


    ¡°We could, but you always want to get started right away.¡±


    ¡°But now I think Calo needs me and the assignment can wait.¡± I ruffle the table with my fingers, biting on my lip. ¡°Please, can I call?¡±


    She sighs and nods.


    I retrieve my phone, calling the number Calo send to mom only yesterday.


    Come to think of it, this isn¡¯t a total surprise anyway. He did get increasingly more silent throughout dinner, and afterwards he said he was tired and that I should go home soon. We had school in the morning.


    I didn¡¯t really think about it, because I felt exhausted myself too.


    But now I wonder if it had been a sign about Calo¡¯s upcoming bad mood.


    I wait for Mrs. Delgado answering the phone, and when she does, she sounds different from her cheerful self like she was yesterday.


    ¡°Hi, it¡¯s Neo¡­ I know mom just called¡­¡±


    ¡°Oh, hi Neo. Yes, I don¡¯t think it would be good for you to see Calo right now. He has¡­ problems. It¡¯s nothing to worry about¡­¡±


    ¡°It is, mam. He told me about his condition.¡±


    ¡°He did?¡± She sounds surprised, while Lorenzo thought it had only been logical for Calo to tell me about it. ¡°Well, then you probably know why I think it¡¯s best for you two not to see each other today¡­¡±


    ¡°I just wanted to let him know that if he wants, I can come over. I want to be there for him, like he has been there for me when I needed him.¡±


    ¡°Oh, that¡¯s really sweet of you, dear. But I have to warn you that he can be¡­ a bit mean¡­ whenever he has one of his episodes.¡±


    ¡°Could you ask him if he wants me to come and support him?


    ¡°I¡¯ll know the answer is going to be no, Neo. He doesn¡¯t even want to see Seino, or Harper.¡±


    ¡°Mom, just let him come over and see what happens.¡± Seino sounds in the background, a bit annoyed. ¡°Neo¡¯s been putting Calo in good moods ever since they met. He even got Calo to go to school on a bad day.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m coming over,¡± I simply tell her, hanging up the phone before she¡¯s able to protest. Seino¡¯s words encouraged me to go. And his words tell me that Calo really likes to be around me, which unavertable puts me in a good mood.


    ¡°She¡¯s okay with it?¡±


    ¡°Seino is.¡±


    ¡°Who¡¯s Seino?¡±


    ¡°Calo¡¯s twin brother.¡±


    ¡°There¡¯s another one of the blessed angels?¡± Mom chuckles a bit, before she nods. ¡°Twins always have a special bond, and if Seino thinks you should come over, then we¡¯re going to visit. I¡¯d like to meet his mother anyway.¡±


    * * * * *


    I¡¯m growing a bit anxious by the time mom steered the car through the gate and onto their property. All I had to tell her was to go over to the new mansion that is considered way to big by people all over town.


    ¡°I can see his parents make good money with their jobs.¡± Mom smiles at me, though I know she might be a bit jealous. Our house is a bit cramped for four people. My parents had to remodel the house to add a third bedroom for Pyper.A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.


    They only recently managed to pay off the loan they had to take to do so.


    ¡°Well, Mr. Delgado is a psychiatrist.¡± I shrug with a sigh. ¡°My psychiatrist.¡±


    ¡°And you don¡¯t sound very happy about it. He cleared parts of his schedule to offer you two appointments a week.¡±


    ¡°I just don¡¯t think he¡¯ll be any different. Four failed to help, so why would he be able to?¡±


    ¡°At least he tries, more than the previous doctors.¡±


    Who all refused to see me more then once a week. They said I didn¡¯t need more therapy, just the right help to get rid of my angst of losing Pyper. According to all four of them, that had been solely my problem; my fear to lose another sibling. They just didn¡¯t know how to get rid of that fear.


    ¡°I know, but still.¡±


    ¡°Let¡¯s just focus on Calo for now. You said he needed a friend, so go and be a friend.¡±


    I nod, getting out of the car with her, walking up to the front door, that is opened by Seino and his mother, the latter visibly displeased with me forcing myself upon her son.


    ¡°Hey.¡± Seino smiles at me, him still wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt.


    ¡°Don¡¯t you have school?¡±


    ¡°My buddy needs me.¡± He shrugs. ¡°Calo¡¯s health is more important and mom and Calo aren¡¯t a great combination right now.¡±


    Mrs. Delgado clicks her tongue, sending him a displeased look. There¡¯s sadness in her eyes.


    ¡°Mom tries, but he just snaps at her.¡± Seino explains, gesturing for us to walk inside.


    ¡°Hi, I¡¯m Caroline, Neo¡¯s mom. We talked on the phone.¡±


    ¡°Ah, yes.¡± Mrs. Delgado smiles, shaking her hand. ¡°Evita Delgado, nice to meet you.¡±


    ¡°Likewise.¡±


    Seino gestures for me to follow him, his mother shortly looking, but sighing in defeat, letting us walk upstairs without further complaints.


    ¡°Can I offer you a drink¡­?¡± I hear Mrs. Delgado offer my mom, while I follow Seino upstairs. I remember the way towards Calo¡¯s room, remembering I don¡¯t have to watch my footing at all.


    I feel comfortable in this home, though it had been exhausting to observe each new room to make sure I didn¡¯t have to execute any of my weird habits.


    ¡°Just be careful, and prepare for the worst, because he¡¯s at his worst right now.¡±


    ¡°Can I ask what caused his mood to change so suddenly?¡±


    Seino bites his lip, sending me a look I can¡¯t describe. ¡°Let¡¯s say Harper and Yasmine caused most of it, but not on purpose. But I think it¡¯s best if Calo explains when he¡¯s ready.¡±


    I nod, agreeing that it might be best not to gossip about Calo without him being able to explain anything. I hate it when people talk about my condition when I¡¯m not there to explain myself.


    ¡°Cay?¡± Seino knocked on the door to his bedroom, opening it carefully.


    ¡°Get lost!¡± Calo¡¯s voice is croaked, filled with agony. ¡°Just go to hell, Sei!¡±


    Seino pulls a face and rolls his eyes. ¡°You have a visitor.¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t want a visitor, you idiot.


    Seino pushes the door open far enough for me to see Calo, who¡¯s on his bed, curled under the comforter with his back towards us.


    ¡°I swear I will kill you¡­¡± He sat up, staring towards Seino with hatred in his eyes, his voice faltering as soon as he notices me. ¡°Go away!¡± He cries out, pulling the comforter back over his head.


    ¡°Cay¡­¡± I manage to press out with a squeaky voice. ¡°I thought you might need a friend¡­¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t have any friends!¡± He shouts in anger, though the sound is muffled by the comforter. ¡°I don¡¯t deserve any friends.¡±


    The last part came out with a broken voice, a broken spirit, and it caused a sad feeling to take grip of my heart.


    ¡°You do!¡± I answer, Seino pushing me inside the room with an encouraging nod. I swallow away the nervous feeling that settled in the pit of my stomach. ¡°You do deserve a friend. You¡¯re the best friend anyone could wish for.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m a monster.¡± He cries out refusing to show his face again.


    ¡°You are not a monster.¡± I answer in shock.


    I thought I would know exactly what to do, since I have these moods myself too. But quite frankly, for once standing on the other side of the comforter, I have no idea what I could say or do to help him.


    Whatever I¡¯ll say, it won¡¯t get through to him. The darkness that is clouding his thoughts is oh so recognizable, yet I know it¡¯s always different. And none of what mom always tells me whenever I have one of these moods, gets through to me, because I simply don¡¯t believe her words.


    ¡°I am, Neo. Get lost.¡± He¡¯s still crying, not so much shouting. He¡¯s not as aggressive as he was towards Seino.


    ¡°Okay, so, you are a monster. Still, you¡¯re my friend, and I like hanging out with you, even if you¡¯re a monster.¡± I shrug, deciding on a different approach.


    The first time Pyper did it with me when I had one of my moods, I was completely taken aback, and it did calm me down a bit.


    ¡°What?¡± Calo, on the other hand, snaps at me. ¡°You¡¯re calling me a monster?¡±


    ¡°You called yourself a monster and I said I don¡¯t care if you are one.¡± I snap back, suddenly feeling on edge.


    ¡°You¡¯re an idiot, Neo.¡± He grumbles, forcefully wiping away tears. It doesn¡¯t help. His handsome face is a mess, his eyes are bloodshot and full of anger and hatred.


    ¡°Sure, I¡¯m an idiot. I shrug, walking towards the bed. ¡°But you picked me as a friend, and I may be an idiot, at least you called me favre.¡±


    He stares at me while I sit down in the foot end of the bed.


    ¡°You could use a friend, and I¡¯m not leaving until I¡¯m sure you¡¯re going to be okay.¡±


    He¡¯s still staring at me, the anger and hatred further slipping out of his demeanour with every passing second.


    ¡°You¡¯re a freak.¡± He bites towards me, though there¡¯s not as much venom in his voice anymore. It falters a bit and I can tell, knowing by experience, he at least didn¡¯t mean it.


    So, I laugh, also trying to hide the fact it still hurts to hear him say that. ¡°Really, Cay? You think calling me a freak is going to scare me away?¡±


    ¡°Faulty Favre.¡± He tries, but his face lacks expression, hatred now fully gone.


    ¡°Yeah, and prima ballerina, teacher¡¯s pet, freak or faulty freak¡­¡± I sum up with a shrug. ¡°I¡¯ve been called worse.¡±


    He leans closer, slapping me against the side of my head while his eyes turned angry again. ¡°Don¡¯t do that.¡±


    ¡°Do what?¡± I scowl, covering the side of my face he just hit me in.


    ¡°Don¡¯t denigrate yourself.¡± He snaps, pulling the cover back over his head, flopping back down on the bed. ¡°I hate you.¡±


    I frown, wondering what the hell caused him to hide again. ¡°What? You hate me because I denigrate myself?¡±


    ¡°No! Because I can¡¯t get you to leave!¡±


    ¡°You want me to leave?¡±


    ¡°I want to die in peace. I don¡¯t think an OCD freak is gonna let me do that, huh?¡±


    Auch.


    ¡°Don¡¯t say such things.¡± I grumble, pulling the cover off him, holding it in my arms. His scent is in the comforter and weirdly, it is calming me down despite the fact he just hurt me with his words.


    ¡°What? Freak? OCD freak? Faulty Favre?¡± He snaps the words, trying to pull the comforter out of my arms. ¡°Let. Go. Of. My. Comforter!¡±


    I can¡¯t help but smirk, before I end up in a fit of laughter, causing him to stare at me in confusion, his eyes still bloodshot and sad, his face tearstained, his hair dishevelled.


    ¡°Why are you laughing?¡± He demands, managing to pry my hands of the comforter while I laugh louder.


    ¡°Stop. Touching. My. Stuff.¡± I repeat one of the first things I snapped at him, causing him to blink his eyes while I wipe away the tears of laughter that rolled down the corners of my eyes. ¡°You kept moving my notebook. Seems like roles have switched.¡± I pull the comforter back to me, contently nuzzling my face in it. I can¡¯t help but enjoy cuddling his comforter close to me.


    ¡°Neo!¡± He calls out in annoyance. ¡°Give it to me.¡± He pulls the comforter, pulling me forwards while I let him. I roll over, ending with my head on his lap. I stare up at him in amusement. So, being annoying makes him less angry?


    I can do annoying.


    ¡°Why are you not gone yet?¡±


    ¡°I like hanging out with you. You accept my flaws, I¡¯ll accept yours. Besides, your comforter is way to comfortable.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s mine.¡± He, however, sits completely silent, staring down at me, while I stare back up at him.


    ¡°What happened, Cay?¡± I ask in a whisper. ¡°Yesterday everything was perfect. You where happy, and for once, I was happy too¡­¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m sure you were happy.¡± He grumbles, moving to pull the comforter again. ¡°Let it go, Neo!¡±


    ¡°That rhymes. ¡°Go and Neo.¡± I chirp with a smirk. ¡°You know my name means ¡°new¡± in Greek and gift in African? And my parents named me Neo because I was born on the first day of the new year, of the new century?¡± I blabber while he stares at me in shock.


    ¡°What are you?¡± He gasps in annoyance, before tears start rolling down his cheeks again, causing me to frown yet again. ¡°How can you still sit here and act cheerful why I feel this shit and I just want to die!?¡± He cries out, now full-on crying.


    I push myself up, biting down on my lip, doubting for a second, but still leaning in to pull him in my arms.


    Instead of fighting me, he resolves in crying into the croak of my neck and I have to keep myself from pushing him away because he might smear snot all over me and get his germs on me.


    It¡¯s not too hard though, because on the other hand I don¡¯t mind, because at least he lets me hold him, while he seeks comfort in my arms.


    At least he likes me enough to allow me this close. So, I should allow him to come this close too, as it is obviously comforting him.


    We sit there for a while, while all he does is cry and cry, whispering how badly he wants to die because it¡¯s never going to get better.


    Eventually, there¡¯s a soft knock on the door and it¡¯s his mom who peeks around the door. First, there¡¯s surprise in her eyes, but then she smiles contently.


    The nod she¡¯s giving me, the smile she¡¯s showing me, is telling me she¡¯s not only thankful for me being here, but she¡¯s accepting me to be the one who comforts him.


    And suddenly, I have another place I feel welcome.

 Chapter 12 – Back to the regular order

    Friday, November 25<sup>th</sup>, 2016


    As I wake up, I¡¯m highly confused as to where I am. I feel someone holding onto my arm, the soft breathing touching my neck, causing goose bumps all over my body. I pull out of the persons hold, sitting up in panic to take a look around. As I wake up further, I do realize I am in Calo¡¯s room, and the memory of him crying in my arms for hours straight comes back. I remember how I decided on staying, since he calmed down far enough to fall asleep, but as soon as I left him to go downstairs and look for mom, he woke up and started crying again, shouting at Seino that he would always be alone, that he hated his life, that he wanted to be left alone and die in peace.


    But it left me in the position I am in now; no familiarity at all, no chance of Pyper grabbing me clothes, no chance of mom making me breakfast and asking me if I¡¯m having a good or bad day. No familiar route to school, if there¡¯s anybody even willing to bring me to school in the first place. There¡¯s nothing that I know, I have no idea how to behave, what to do, what to ask.


    I should¡¯ve gone home. Why would mom even accept me staying over the night? She knowsI need my day to start off in the right way.


    I need to go home, now. I need to take a shower, I need Pyper¡¯s outfit for me. I need anything but the things I can get in here.


    I¡¯m hyperventilating, as I am desperately trying to find my shoes and my hoodie, neither anywhere to be found. I slept in my boxer short and suddenly all I want is to get out of these dirty clothes.


    Where are my clothes?


    ¡®Neo?¡¯ Calo sounds sleepy and confused.


    ¡®Where are my clothes?¡¯ I ask, trying to get control over my breathing. ¡®My clothes, I need them. I have to go home.¡¯


    ¡®Mom probably took them to wash.¡¯ He yawns, sounding sad and depressed, not at all moving to help me find my stuff.


    ¡®I need my clothes!¡¯ I shout at him, while panic rises. ¡®I need to go home, Pyper needs to help me with my clothes. Mom knows what to make for breakfast. I have to go!¡¯


    ¡®Calm down, mom makes decent breakfast¡­¡¯


    ¡®It¡¯s not about decent breakfast!¡¯ I shout at him in anger. His eyes widen and the next moment, there¡¯s tears in his eyes. ¡®I don¡¯t care about the stupid breakfast your mom makes! I need my own! I have to shower and get out of these disgusting clothes.¡¯ I pluck the shirt, while my skin starts to tingle. I shake my head, pulling the shirt over my head, while scratching my arms repeatedly. ¡®I wanna go home¡­¡¯ I sob, breaking down while seated in the middle of the floor. ¡®I need my mom.¡¯


    Calo is crying too, yet he rolled to the side of his bed to get out. ¡®Put on some of mine. I got new clothes last week and they¡¯ve never been worn.¡¯ His voice is flat, no emotions, while tears stream down his face in the same time. ¡®I¡¯ll go and ask dad to drop you off before work.¡¯


    He drops sweatpants, a shirt and a hoodie in my arms, not at all trying to comfort me in any way besides handing me clothes to wear.


    Lastly, he throws a new pair of boxers ¨C still in their packing ¨C and leaves the room.


    I stare at the door while my breathing is still hitching, my sobs preventing me from calming my breath down far enough. While I really just want to go home. Who cares about these clothes? I need my shower, I need my own towels, my own soap, my own everything.


    I remain seated, still crying and trying to control my breathing.


    Calo comes back soon, holding something in his hands, while he sits down in front of me, placing a plastic bag over my mouth and nose. There¡¯s no emotions in his eyes, in his voice, nowhere. He¡¯s just like a robot; completely without feelings. But as soon as my breath calmed down far enough, he pulls me in his arms. It must be weird for his dad to find us like that, in the middle of the room, seated at the floor, both crying, though Calo is silently crying.


    ¡®Neo,¡¯ Mr. Delgado speaks up with a soft voice. ¡®If you get dressed, I¡¯ taking you home right away.¡¯


    I nod, wiping away some tears as Calo releases me from his hold. He simply stares at me as I shuffle towards Calo¡¯s very own bathroom to get dressed, trying to hold in any further tears or sobs.


    I have to go home, my day has to start of the right way, or Pyper will be in trouble.


    Once I¡¯m done and shuffling out of the bathroom, Calo found my shoes, and put on sweatpants and a hoodie of his own.


    ¡®Calo is adamant about keeping you company.¡¯ Mr. Delgado gestures towards his son, who is by his side in silence, seemingly defeated.


    As Mr. Delgado tells me Calo is adamant about it, Calo is simply staring at me with a blank expression, as if his father is just making things up. But I''m not in the right state of mind to discuss the matter any further.


    Frankly, I wouldn''t care less if Mr. Delgado tells me I will have to ride along in the trunk if that would mean i would get to go home right now.


    So, I nod, following Mr. Delgado out of the room, down the stairs and into the garage. He very faintly looked how I skipped the first and last step of the stairs, but I ignore him.


    ''Are you okay?'' Calo asks as he takes a seat in the backseat, while I sit down in the passenger''s seat.


    ''I''m anxious, I''m restless and really, I just want to go home to start the day off the way I''m supposed to.'' I tell him just as blankly, while trying to hide the fact my hands are feverishly shaking.


    ''You won''t make it to school.''


    ''I''m not going to school.''


    Mr. Delgado shortly looks at me while he started the car, driving out of the garage.


    ''I think I''m going back to bed and cry for a while.'' I admit, not caring that either of them now knows that I''m about to cry again. I just sat with a crying Calo for the entire day, while Mr. Delgado is going to find out I easily cry, once we''re in our next session.


    Since he did not once mention me being his patient, since he not once discussed his work with any of the family members, I feel like I can trust him. It''s just a gut feeling I have.Unauthorized use: this story is on Amazon without permission from the author. Report any sightings.


    He cleared his schedule to instantly be able to accept me as a new patient.


    I should show some gratitude for him taking this serious enough. I should not waste the time he obviously could have used for other things.


    The ride is completely silent, as Calo is hiding under the hood of his sweater, Mr. Delgado humming along to the radio.


    ''Don''t take that road.'' I mutter as he wants to stop in front of a red light meant to go left. ''Take the next left.''


    Mr. Delgado shortly looks at me, but then steering towards another lane, apparently accepting my weird request.


    ''Bad memory?'' He casually asks.


    ''Dad had an accident in that street. It was my fault. I panic whenever I have to pass the spot.''


    ''Ah, then we won''t.'' He nods in agreement, mot further asking any questions as to what happened or why it would''ve been my fault. But I remember the day as if it were only yesterday. Mom had taken Pyper to hospital because she had a lot of pain in her knees and they were swollen, and red. Dad had been at home in case I needed to be picked up.


    And then I demanded to be picked up because I lost my balance at the second to last step of the stairs, causing me to hit the last one - which I always skip - and panicked, completely sure something was going to happen to dad.


    Something did happen.


    And it was my fault. I did hit that step and he got in an accident.


    ''We already had contact with your mother, Calo is going to stay with you guys for the day. If you don''t have any objection to that.''


    ''I don''t. I just want to go to bed and feel safe.''


    He again nods, stopping the car in front of the curb.


    ''Could you...'' I stare at the curb, which is cracked and damaged beside my door.


    ''Forwards or -,''


    ''Back... half a meter?''


    Mr Delgado simply smiles, putting the car in reverse to let me out in a safe spot. ''Neo?'' He calls me back as Calo and I got out of the car. ''If you aren''t comfortable to leave you bed, let your mother call and I will come over after work. We could have our session in the safety of your home, okay?''


    I stare at him while surprised, blinking my eyes a couple of times. ''Isn''t that like... adjusting to my needs, feeding my angsts?''


    He frowns shortly, before realisation hits him that someone told me that they wouldn''t adjust to my compulsions.


    ''No, Neo.'' He shakes his head. ''It just means that you''re having a bad day, that you''re fighting a little harder, and that you need others to fight a little harder with you.''


    I''m completely taken aback by his words, him being the first to confirm what I always feel; the harder I fight, to more people seem to work against me.


    ''Okay.'' I nod, before I close the door to the car.


    I turn around, only to meet a frowning Calo.


    ''Is dad your therapist?''


    ''You didn''t know?''


    ''He''s completely booked. He hasn''t got any room for weeks.''


    ''I thought you gave my parents his information.''


    ''No, I did not.'' He shakes his head, shrugging it off. ''Well, he is the best. So, you''re lucky.''


    ''Is he treating you too?''


    Calo smirks, not at all sincere but an attempt nonetheless. ''No. As his son, he would be too emotionally involved. He isn''t allowed to treat me.''


    ''Oh. But you do have a therapist?''


    ''I haven''t seen mine for so long, I forgot what he looks like.''


    I can''t help but to show a small smile, opening the front door.


    ''Neo?'' Mom appears in the hallway. ''Oh, honey.'' She pulls me in a hug, kissing my head over and over again. ''You seemed so certain about staying with Calo. And I brought over an outfit Pyper picked, Mrs. Delgado wrote all if my instructions down to suit your needs...''


    ''She did?'' Now I feel stupid for freaking out. ''I just wanted you...''


    ''That''s okay honey. It''s already a big step for you to go over for Calo and to want to sleep there. It''s only the first time you ever slept anywhere else so it''s only logical for you to panic.'' She pushes back my hair. ''Go grab a shower. Pyper put out a new outfit for you and I''ll make the two of you breakfast when you''re done.'' She pulls Calo in a hug too, surprising him and me in the same time. ''Thank you, Calo.'' She whispers sadly. ''It means a lot to me that you responded as responsible as you did.''


    ''No problem,'' he mutters unsurely.


    ''Do you want to shower too?''


    ''Can I lay down until Neo is ready for breakfast? I had a rough night...''


    ''You can sleep in my bed if you want.'' I offer him while shuffling a foot. ''I don''t mind.''


    ''As long as you leave Neo''s outfit on the foot end of the bed.'' Mom taps both our cheeks. ''Now, up you two go. I''ll start on breakfast.'' She pecks a kiss on my cheek, and on top of Calo''s, again surprising him. He seems completely out of place, but at least he accepts it.


    * * * * *


    After taking a shower and having breakfast, I decide on relaxing in the living room with Calo as my company. Mom starts about her everyday business; which is mostly washing and cleaning.


    For a while, Calo and I watch TV while slumbering every so often, both exhausted. When mom is out to buy some groceries, I wake up to find Calo in tears again, staring into the depth, probably not seeing the TV he is staring to.


    ''Cay?'' I whisper, feeling exhausted but wanting to help him anyway. ''What happened?'' I push myself upwards and in his direction.


    He instantly grabs my hoodie with both his hands burying his face in the croak of my neck while he''s shaking uncontrollably.


    ''Cay?'' I repeat his name.


    ''Lorenzo is coming to pick me up.'' His voice trembles along with his body while he''s noticeably holding back most tears and sobs.


    ¡®Why? I thought you wanted to stay here.¡¯


    ¡®I did, but now I don¡¯t.¡¯ He whines, wiping away a lost tear. ¡®I can¡¯t have what I want, I don¡¯t know what I want else. I don¡¯t want to live.¡¯


    ¡®Cay, don¡¯t say that. I can¡¯t do it without you anymore.¡¯


    He huffs, shaking his head. ¡®You can. You¡¯ve managed to stay upright and going for so long, despite all that people throw at you. And me? I tried to give up and I couldn¡¯t even get that right.¡¯


    ¡®What do you mean ¡°tried to give up¡±?¡¯ I frown, turning in my spot to fully look at him. ¡®Don¡¯t tell me¡­¡¯


    ¡®I was put in North Haven institution for a reason, Ne.¡¯ He whispers with a thick voice full of agony and pain. ¡®I was in the same school as Seino and Lorenzo.¡¯ He suddenly turns to look at me, and the emptiness in his demeanour scares me a bit. ¡®They¡¯re in that fancy rich-kids school, you know, Saint Helena high?¡¯ He¡¯s still whispering, and I have to be drop-dead silent to even hear what he¡¯s saying. ¡®You know, I was bullied too. Not even as bad as you are. And I gave up. I took all my medication at once and I gave up.¡¯


    My eyes widen in realisation about what he¡¯s talking. ¡®You tried¡­¡¯


    ¡®To end my life.¡¯ He nods. ¡®And then I refused to talk, and they send me to North Haven in the hopes of getting better with the right¡­ environment.¡¯


    ¡®But, you healed, right? You¡¯re in South Haven High, you¡¯re in a regular school.¡¯ I remind him of the fact he¡¯s back in a normal environment, probably because they think he¡¯s healed enough to go back to a regular life.


    ¡®I¡¯m weak, Ne. And looking at you, I keep getting reminded that I¡¯m weak, I¡¯m the failure. They should call mefaulty, not you.¡¯


    I swallow back a lump of nerves forming in my throat. ¡®I¡¯m not strong, Calo. My attendance record must be breaking records of an all-time low. I hide from the world, more than concurring it.¡¯


    ¡®Yet, you go on. You don¡¯t give up. They bully you mentally andphysically and I couldn¡¯t even deal with simple name-calling.¡¯


    ¡®Name-calling isn¡¯t simple, Calo. When repeated enough, everybody would eventually start believing what others say,¡¯ I deadpan. ¡®That doesn¡¯t make you weak, it just tells me that you had to fight too hard. Harder than you were capable of.¡¯


    ¡®That¡¯s why I¡¯m weak, Neo.¡¯ He snaps angrily. ¡®I had some friends. I had my brothers standing up for me. Still I gave up and you had nobody, and you still went on.¡¯


    ¡®Don¡¯t you think I never think about ending my life?¡¯ I grumble, sliding down in my seat. ¡®Nearly every day, Cay. I just can¡¯t, because I would feel selfish. Mom and dad already lost two children and killing myself would simply destroy them.¡¯


    He stares at me in silence, probably because he knowsI have those thoughts. He understands why I have them.


    ¡®Without you,¡¯ I start admitting in a whisper. ¡®I would¡¯ve done it by now.¡¯


    He frowns, turning his head to break eye-contact.


    ¡®What caused your mood? Your¡­ episode?¡¯


    ¡®You.¡¯ He huffs in annoyance.


    ¡®Me? What did I do?¡¯


    ¡®You want to know my biggest secret?¡¯ He leans towards me, voice barely above a whisper, causing me to lean in to hear what he¡¯s going to tell me. ¡®I reallylike you.¡¯


    And suddenly, his lips are touching mine and I¡¯m shocked, frozen in my spot. Calo is kissing me and shock causes me to realize what his biggest secret is a bit late. And then I realize my first kiss ever, is with Calo.


    My first ever kiss is with a guy.


    I don¡¯t even think I still believed I would ever be sharing an intimate moment like this with anybody, let alone with a guy.


    Calo pulls back as a car honk sounds in front of our house. ¡®Now you know.¡¯

 Chapter 13 – Adding positivity

    Friday, November 25<sup>th</sup>, 2016


    After Calo left, I was left behind confused as hell. I didn¡¯t even break the kiss, but I don¡¯t have any romantic feelings for Calo whatsoever. Then again, I wasn¡¯t disgusted by a guy kissing me, or getting germs over me ¨C though I did brush my teeth and flushed my mouth when he left.


    I just don¡¯t know what to think of it. So, Calo is attracted to guys, so what? Why would he even keep that a secret, at all?


    Unless it¡¯s the whole reason he got bullied in the first place.


    And if he got bullied because of it, I get whyhe couldn¡¯t handle it anymore. It¡¯s one thing to get bullied for things you chose to do in a certain way. I think it¡¯s even worse to get bullied for something you can¡¯t change.


    This town, however, is so religious, I get that he probably felt like an outcast. And the bullying might not be solely in school, but anywhere outside of it too.


    I don¡¯t know any openly gay kids, at all. Which isn¡¯t solely because I have no social contacts with anyone. They¡¯re simply not openly gay because I would have known otherwise. They would¡¯ve surely been bullied.


    But Calo shared his secret in a very confusing way.


    I mean, does the kiss mean he likes me? Or was it simply easier to kiss me to let me in on his secret, than spilling the truth out in words?


    And why didn¡¯t I feel disgusted? Do I like boys, instead of girls? Do I even like anyone in a romantic way, at all? It¡¯s never really been on my mind because I had plenty of other things occupying my mind. I don¡¯t even know what it feels like to be in love, because I¡¯ve never been in love with anyone.


    Heck, I never even had a friend, so how would I know if how I feel about Calo, is purely friendship, or more?


    ¡®Neo, honey?¡¯ Mom asks with a careful voice, pushing my hair back. ¡®You¡¯ve been more occupied by your thoughts than you¡¯ve been in a long time.¡¯


    ¡®I have a lot on my mind.¡¯


    Off course I didn¡¯t tell her what happened. She asked where Calo went and I simply told her he had to go home because he was breaking down again. He needed a familiar environment, just like me.


    And now we¡¯re parked outside in the parking lot to the healthcare office in which I have an appointment with Dr. Delgado. I did contemplate on letting mom call him to ask him to come over after work. But I felt selfish for wanting to take even more of his time away from Calo, who obviously needs his parents more then I need my psychiatrist right now.


    ¡®Let¡¯s just go in.¡¯ I shrug. ¡®Maybe Dr. Delgado can help me to organize my thoughts and then I would be able to explain what¡¯s been on my mind.¡¯


    Mom smiles and nods, probably happy to hear me say I¡¯m going to allow Dr. Delgado in on my thoughts, allowing him to help me.


    We walk inside, and mom takes a seat while I tell the assistant that I¡¯m here for my next appointment. She simply tells me to take a seat. Dr. Delgado will call me in as soon as he¡¯s available.


    We wait in an awkward silence, while a kid across from us is shamelessly staring at me, his mom reading a magazine.


    ¡®Hi.¡¯ He chirps with a squeaky voice. ¡®Who are you?¡¯


    ¡®Eh, Neo,¡¯ I mutter, not wanting him to come any closer than he did already.


    ¡®And what¡¯s your name?¡¯ Mom smiles towards the kid, diverting his attention from me to herself.


    ¡®I¡¯m Bobby. I¡¯m six.¡¯


    ¡®Oh, so you¡¯re a big boy already.¡¯ Mom keeps smiling, while I try to make myself impossibly smaller as he returns to stare at me.


    ¡®He¡¯s a big boy, I¡¯m small.¡¯ He grins, wiping his nose with his sleeve, sending a shiver through my spine. ¡®Are you sick like Jennifer?¡¯


    ¡®Am I sick¡­ like Jennifer?¡¯ I repeat his question with a frown and a lot of hesitation. ¡®I don¡¯t know¡­¡¯


    ¡®Is Jennifer your sister?¡¯ Mom asks, in a new attempt to divert his attention.


    ¡®Yes!¡¯ He smiles widely. ¡®She¡¯s thirteen.¡¯


    ¡®Fourteen, sweety.¡¯ His mom corrects him, smiling towards us. ¡®And I explained already, it¡¯s not nice to ask people if they¡¯re sick, remember?¡¯


    ¡®But he¡¯s here¡­¡¯ Bobby frowns in confusion, moving to touch my knee with his germ-covered hand, causing me to squeak in shock, pulling away from him.


    ¡®Bobby!¡¯ His mom now firmly calls him. ¡®Come back here and sit down. You can see the boy is uncomfortable. Just like Jennifer, right? She doesn¡¯t like to be touched either.¡¯ She corrects his behaviour, while he lowers his head with a sad look on his face.


    ¡®I just wanted to play¡­¡¯ He mumbles, causing me to feel shitty for scaring him with my behaviour.


    ¡®I¡¯m sorry, Bobby is so outgoing and doesn¡¯t really know when to stop, huh honey?¡¯ His mom helps him to sit on the chair next to her, him staring at me sadly while I stand up from my chair.


    ¡®It¡¯s fine¡­¡¯ I lie. ¡®I¡¯m going to the bathroom,¡¯ I tell mom, hurrying out of the waiting room. I can¡¯t wipe my jeans without getting the germs all over my jeans. I need water and soap.


    I grab a couple of paper towels, wetting them with water before adding soap, starting to wipe the knee of my jeans. I shudder at the thought of the kid¡¯s snotty sleeves. Ugh. I do not like kids. They never know when to back off.


    I keep wiping my jeans over and over again, until Dr. Delgado surprisingly shows up in the bathroom, smiling at me as I repeat the cleaning process.


    ¡®I have some disinfectant in my office, if you need any.¡¯


    ¡®Oh¡­¡¯ I look at him, my face flushing in embarrassment. ¡®I have some myself¡­¡¯ I retrieve the tube from my pocket, showing it. ¡®I just¡­ I¡¯m finished.¡¯ I throw the paper towels away, washing my hands before using the lotion, evidently smearing some on my knee too ¨C just to be sure.


    ¡®Ready?¡¯


    ¡®Yeah.¡¯


    * * * * *


    I¡¯m fiddling with my fingers, as I wait for Dr. Delgado to grab my files, a note block and a pen, sitting across from me.This novel is published on a different platform. Support the original author by finding the official source.


    ¡®So¡­¡¯ I drawl.


    He curiously cocks his head. ¡®Are you ready to talk?¡¯


    I take in a deep breath, before I nod. ¡®I¡¯m ready.¡¯


    ¡®That¡¯s good. That¡¯s progress in itself already.¡¯ He points out with a proud smile. ¡®Did you have trouble trusting me?¡¯


    ¡®I did, I do, I don¡¯t know.¡¯


    ¡®What makes you doubt?¡¯ He writes something down.


    ¡®Nobody was able to really help me, so why would you? And you¡¯re Calo¡¯s dad and I don¡¯t want him to know everything.¡¯


    Dr. Delgado nods, again writing something down. ¡®How many doctors have you talked to before you came to me?¡¯


    ¡®Four psychiatrists, one psychologist and when I was younger I had some sort of therapist.¡¯


    ¡®It¡¯s safe to say, that¡¯s a lot.¡¯ He agrees with me with a nod. ¡®And what caused you to stop seeing them?¡¯


    ¡®I never agreed with them.¡¯


    ¡®Agreed on what?¡¯


    ¡®On what to change, or more, how to.¡¯


    ¡®What do you want to change, and what did they want?¡¯


    ¡®I want to stop my compulsions from controlling my life, and in some way, they wanted it too. But they all focused on my fear of losing Pyper and, well¡­ they can¡¯t stop that. And I don¡¯t think it¡¯s the reason I have all these compulsions anyway.¡¯


    Dr. Delgado scribbles quick words down, nodding to indicate he heard me. ¡®What do you think is causing these compulsions, if it¡¯s not your sister¡¯s health?¡¯


    ¡®Eh¡­¡¯ I shrug. ¡®Some things that happened. That proved me I needto do things a certain way.¡¯


    ¡®Can you give me an example?¡¯


    ¡®Eh¡­¡¯ I think about a good example, that he would understand. Then I remember the step, the fact he saw me skipping the first and last step of a stairs and the fact I made him take another route to my home. ¡®The accident dad had?¡¯


    ¡®In the street you told me not to drive through.¡¯ He nods, telling me he knows what I¡¯m talking about.


    ¡®And the fact I always skip the first and last step of stairs?¡¯


    ¡®Yes, you did that back home.¡¯ He nods again.


    ¡®Once, when I was younger, I slipped when I was rushing down the stairs. Dad was behind me, and he caught me, but he fell himself and broke his arm. He wasn¡¯t able to work for a while and I felt guilty. And it happened again, though he managed to catch himself and me and nothing really happened, but every time I touched the steps, something threatens to happen to dad.¡¯


    ¡®And the accident was connected to you stepping on one of those two steps?¡¯


    ¡®I slipped in school, managed to break my fall by stepping on the last step. I freaked out, worried over dad, calling him to pick me up because I wanted to see that he was okay. He never arrived in school because he had that accident.¡¯


    Dr. Delgado nods again, writing parts of my story down. ¡®And why did other doctors think it was all caused by your fear of losing Pyper?¡¯


    ¡®Because most of my compulsions, if I don¡¯t do them correctly, Pyper will be affected. For instance, if dad gets in an accident, he can¡¯t work and if it¡¯s bad, we don¡¯t have enough money for Pyper¡¯s treatments, and she¡¯ll die.¡¯


    ¡®So, Pyper¡¯s health being affected is a reaction to a reaction that is caused by your actions?¡¯


    ¡®Yes!¡¯ I stare at him with wide eyes.


    ¡®Well, Neo,¡¯ He pushes himself upwards a bit, leaning towards me. ¡®It¡¯s really simply to explain, it¡¯s harder to change. But I¡¯m going to help you, okay?¡¯


    ¡®Okay¡­¡¯


    ¡®You see, you have rational, and irrational fears.¡¯ He shows me the paper. ¡®When you touch the first or last step of a stairs, makes you think your dad will get hurt.¡¯ He points to a small drawing of a stairs, and a car that crashed. ¡®Which is rational, because it happened twice. Then there¡¯s the irrational part, in which your mind deceived itself to believe when your dad will get hurt, there will be no money for Pyper¡¯s treatment, and she will die due to those consequences. With is irrational, because you don¡¯t have any proof.¡¯


    ¡®But it¡¯s logical, right? If there¡¯s no money, we can¡¯t pay for her medication.¡¯


    ¡®In some way, yes. But you, for a so far unknown reason, are focussing solely on the possible negative outcome.¡¯ He smiles carefully. ¡®What I¡¯d like to try, is to break up the negative spiral in your thinking, by interrupting it with positive thoughts. No matter how small those positive thoughts are.¡¯


    ¡®But that¡¯s not taking away the fear¡­¡¯


    ¡®It¡¯s a first step, Neo. It¡¯s going to be a long process, but we have to start somewhere. We¡¯ll take away the anxiety and negativity first. For every compulsion you have, there is a bad thought. For every bad thought, I want you to come up with a positive outcome. We¡¯ll write them down and you can take the list home to change things, to edit it, until you are pleased with it and are capable of executing the thoughts, okay?¡¯


    ¡®I guess¡­¡¯


    ¡®We have about 30 minutes left, so I think we can cover some compulsions now, and we¡¯ll focus on any other compulsions on Tuesday.¡¯


    ¡®Okay.¡¯ So, no rushing through all of my compulsions, not forcing me to name one after the other, not asking me to wear a rubber band to prevent me from thinking bad thoughts. He¡¯s adding positivity. It seems simple now, but I bet, when I have a panic attack, it¡¯ll be hard to think positive things.


    ¡®Your first compulsion, the steps, we know the story, so let¡¯s come up with a positive outcome, despite the fact your dad getting hurt isn¡¯t positive.¡¯


    ¡®Right, but that¡¯s the thing. I want to stop thinking he will get hurt¡­¡¯


    ¡®We¡¯ll get there, Neo.¡¯ He smiles again. ¡®But we can¡¯t take a big step, if we don¡¯t learn how to walk first, right?¡¯


    ¡®Yes, true.¡¯ I nod in agreement, starting to get where he is taking me. The first baby-step.


    ¡®What could be positive if your dad wouldn¡¯t be able to work anymore? Let¡¯s say he injures his back, can do everything, but no work.¡¯


    ¡®Eh¡­¡¯


    ¡®Money needs to come in, right?¡¯


    ¡®I guess.¡¯


    ¡®So?¡¯


    ¡®I guess mom could find a job?¡¯


    ¡®Do you think your mom would want to work?¡¯


    ¡®I think she wouldn¡¯t mind leaving the house more often.¡¯ I shrug. ¡®She¡¯s always taking care of me and Pyper.¡¯


    ¡®And since she loves the two of you, she does it without complaining.¡¯


    ¡®But she doesn¡¯t really have a life¡­¡¯ I mutter, feeling shitty as fuck for taking all her time. For ruining her life.


    ¡®Hey, she chose to take care of you and Pyper.¡¯ Dr. Delgado tells me. ¡®Just like my wife chose to be a stay at home mom to take care of the kids, especially Calo.¡¯


    ¡®Are you even allowed to tell me that?¡¯


    ¡®It¡¯s an example, simply telling you that mothers, and fathers too, do everything for their kids.¡¯


    ¡®So, you mean¡­ if dad would end up at home, mom could get a job?¡¯


    ¡®And money would still come in.¡¯


    ¡®And Pyper could still get her medication.¡¯ He adds with a nod. ¡®And you could spend more time with your dad, get even closer to him¡­


    ¡®I would like that.¡¯


    ¡®See, so, despite your dad getting hurt, it could still end good, right?¡¯


    ¡®I guess.¡¯


    ¡®It¡¯s not perfect, Neo, but that¡¯s not the point. Everything that happens, brings new opportunities. I want you to focus on those, instead of solely seeing the negative consequences.¡¯


    ¡®Okay, any other compulsion you want to take a look at right now?¡¯


    ¡®The jumping to get through a door.¡¯


    He encourages me to explain, simply by nodding once.


    ¡®I jump whenever there¡¯s a mat, or any object as measurement. I don¡¯t even know why I do that last part anymore. I just can¡¯t touch a doormat or the first two tiles, or the length of a desk¡­¡¯


    ¡®And what¡¯s the rational fear behind it?¡¯ He writes down ¡°jumping over doormats¡± as an indication of the compulsion.


    ¡®When I was younger, I was always running, they always thought I had ADHD or something. Hence the slipping on the stairs¡­¡¯ I take in a deep breath. ¡®I one day ran inside the house, moving the door mat in my speed, sliding it a bit backwards. A corner was sticking out over the doorstep and mom tripped. She broke two fingers and couldn¡¯t use her hands for six weeks.¡¯


    ¡®Rational fear. You avoid doormats and anything that could cause anyone, especially your mom, from tripping.¡¯


    ¡®Right.¡¯


    ¡®How is it connected to Pyper? Is it connected?¡¯


    ¡®If she would be to trip and get hurt, she wouldn¡¯t be able to drive a car. If Pyper needs to go to hospital in an emergency situation, it would take more time and they might be to late to help.¡¯


    ¡®Irrational.¡¯ He nods again, pleased with my answer. ¡®If it would happen, if it would be your mom who got hurt, she would simply call an ambulance. Which she would do in any emergency anyway. If no ambulance is needed, five or ten minutes more, wouldn¡¯t be an issue.¡¯ He tells me simply.


    ¡®So, what¡¯s the positive thought?¡¯


    ¡®Your mom would get to relax for a bit, while you, Pyper and your dad would all have to jump in and spoil her a bit. Give her some much-deserved rest.¡¯ He winks. ¡®Buy her chocolates, let her relax on the couch while your dad cooks, you help her with the things she can¡¯t do. Pyper would be able to learn how to do laundry and learn to be more independent.¡¯


    I can¡¯t help but chuckle at the thought of mom sitting around, doing nothing, while we would do everything to give her some rest. ¡®That sounds good. She would deserve it.¡¯


    ¡®Good, that¡¯s your positive thought, it would give your mom an excuse to relax for a bit.¡¯


    For the rest of the appointment, we work together to come up with any positive or hilarious outcome whenever I would do something wrong. I do think I would feel anxious, but I think I would maybe calm down sooner when remembering what we came up with.


    But, despite laughing a lot, I am exhausted once my appointment is over and I¡¯m going home with a list with positive outcomes for five compulsions; tapping the lights, skipping the floorspace in front of a door, the skipping of steps, the order of placing food and drinks at the table and even cutting my bread wrong. He was surprised it wasn¡¯t connected to Pyper, but to Calo, but we simply wrote down it would put Calo in one of his episodes, I would have to step up as his friend and we would both be able to skip school and just sleep all day.


    Exhausted or not, I do feel a whole lot better when I leave the office. I need a couple of hours sleep, but as from tomorrow, I will start to try and think about these outcomes whenever I think about the bad outcomes.


    Let¡¯s hope I¡¯ll learn how to walk, to start taking steps in the process of healing.

 Chapter 14 – We need to DTF

    Monday, November 28<sup>th</sup>, 2016


    I had a bit of a rough weekend after the session with doctor Delgado. I tried, as much as possible, the remind myself of possible positive outcomes whenever I felt the need to execute any of my compulsions and habits. But it was hard, and it distracted me from some things, like the beat to turn of the lights. Its hard to remember the rhythm of a song while also trying to come up with any possible positivity following a fire.


    I couldn''t think of one.


    And it took me hours on Saturday to go through my morning rituals, failing them over and over again, one by one.


    Sunday had been a better day, as not only dad, but grandpa too, kept me company and helped me find any traces of the cities history to document with my photo''s.


    I have about five pictures that I was pleased enough with, writing down the story behind them when we were back home. It kept me busy and the day went like any other day; just do what I always do, in my own way. No positive thoughts, but nearly no negative thoughts either. Since I already skipped a couple of days of school last week, I forced myself up and going today, heading over to school while not knowing how Calo is doing.


    I haven¡¯t heard from him ever since he kissed me and hurried out of our house.


    I¡¯m confused as hell about that kiss anyway.


    What did it mean?


    Whatdoes it mean?


    I need answers, and he didn¡¯t give me any via text since he ignored the three or four texts I¡¯ve send him over the past couple of days.


    I even demanded an answer in the last text, but to no avail; Calo still ignored me.


    I have to say, I¡¯m not even nervous about going to school because of the usual obvious reasons. I¡¯m nervous because I don¡¯t want to lose the one friend I have. The one person I actually like enough to spend time with, while he obviously likes hanging out with me too.


    It¡¯s Luke¡¯s voice that makes me aware of the fact Calo is already in class, when I walk closer to the door, running a bit late due to start-up problems this morning.


    ¡®What¡¯s up Delgado? Got nothing on us, huh?¡¯ Luke tauntingly calls out to Calo, who I now find seated at his desk, with his head propped on his hand, staring out of the window; ignoring Luke and Jimmy who are in front of his desk.


    ¡®Are you deaf?¡¯ Jimmy pushes Calo¡¯s arm aside, causing his head to nearly hit the table.


    He looks exhausted, his eyes bloodshot, his pupils tiny, those eyes focussing on me as soon as I walk up to them.


    ¡®Morning.¡¯ His voice is even a bit hoarse, as if he caught a cold, or as if he¡¯s been crying for hours. I think the latter is a safe bet, knowing his condition.


    ¡®Hey.¡¯ I mumble back, sitting down next to him, while I notice Luke and Jimmy looking back and forth between us.


    ¡®What, did the two lovebirds get in a fight?¡¯ Luke leans forwards over my desk, his face close to mine. ¡®What¡¯s wrong? Did he fuck you too hard?¡¯


    ¡®That¡¯s it,¡¯ Calo snaps at him, pulling his arms off the desk, causing Luke to actually hit his head on my desk. ¡®I¡¯m going to kill you.¡¯


    ¡®The fuck!?¡¯ Luke calls out in anger, Jimmy grabbing Calo¡¯s collar in anger.


    ¡®Piss off,¡¯ Calo spits in his face, digging his nails into the skin of Jimmy¡¯s lower arm.


    ¡®Auch!¡¯ Jimmy raises his fist, wanting to hit Calo, as Mrs. Tilly shows up at his side with an angry look on her face.


    ¡®That¡¯s it, Jimmy, principal¡¯s office, now.¡¯ She points towards the door, while Luke simply sends us an angry look, and Jimmy a warning one, pointing at Calo. ¡®If any of you three makes as much as a sound, you can follow after him.¡¯ She looks towards Luke, Calo and finally me, before putting the books she was holding onto her desk. ¡®I¡¯m done with the fights, the bickering, the name-calling.¡¯


    She turns around towards the board, writing down the word ¡°Bullying¡± with big, bold letters on it. ¡®Since recently, the students in this school seem to have forgotten how to behave, we, as South Haven, decided on starting up the national anti-bullying program. Now, we were already a part of the program, but so far, there seemed to be little reason to actually raise awareness about the consequences. As from today, twice a week, everybody in this school, will be confronted with the effects of bullying. At the end of the month, there will be a gathering in the auditorium, where we will receive guest-speakers to tell about their experiences with bullying¡­¡¯


    ¡®Wait, hold up.¡¯ Calo frowns, cocking his head a bit. ¡®Really?¡¯


    ¡®Yes, Mr. Delgado, really¡­¡¯


    ¡®I meant the statement that so far, there had been little to no reason for awareness. You¡¯re telling me the school has been part of a program to stop bullying, or prevent it, without actually doing something about it?¡¯


    ¡®We always had a very active approach to stop or if possible, prevent bullying¡­¡¯


    ¡®I call bullshit.¡¯ Calo gestures towards me. ¡®Neo¡¯s been taunted, bullied, outcastedfor years. When someone takes action, they get suspended, but never, I repeatneverhave his bullies been punished or corrected in their behaviour.¡¯


    ¡®We always tried to stop the bullying and we took action against his bullies¡­¡¯


    ¡®No, you did not.¡¯ I interfere with their discussion in annoyance. ¡®Pyper got suspended for beating Luke up, while Luke got a warning for beating me up. Simply because Pyper had the guts to admitbeating Luke up, and Luke¡¯s too much of a pussy¡­¡¯


    ¡®No name-calling!¡¯ She cuts my ranting short. ¡®Principal¡¯s office, now. I warned you¡­¡¯


    ¡®I¡¯m not going. If I¡¯m going, Luke should go too. If Luke¡¯s going, everybody should go.¡¯


    Calo smirks, nodding in agreement. ¡®Luke calls him Faulty Favre, Teacher¡¯s pet, Prima ballerina¡­¡¯


    ¡®Faulty freak, freak and whatnot.¡¯ I fill up the list.


    ¡®And Neo get¡¯s send to the principal¡¯s office because he calls Luke a pussy.¡¯


    ¡®He is a pussy.¡¯


    ¡®Call me pussy one more time, and I¡¯ll show you who¡¯s a pussy¡­¡¯If you come across this story on Amazon, it''s taken without permission from the author. Report it.


    ¡®Luke, principal¡¯s office, now.¡¯ Mrs. Tilly points towards the door. ¡®Neo, Calo, you too. You all had a warning¡­¡¯


    ¡®What did I do!?¡¯ Calo calls out offended. ¡®I only gave examples¡­¡¯


    ¡®You ratted out Luke¡­¡¯ Angela leans forwards to look at him. ¡®You forced her to send Luke out and they hate sending him out.¡¯


    ¡®Angela!¡¯


    ¡®What? It¡¯s true, right?¡¯ She shrugs. ¡®Luke¡¯s father sponsors a lot of activities in this school and therefor Luke can do whatever he wants¡­¡¯


    ¡®I will not stand here and listen to those accusations.¡¯


    ¡®Let me guess¡­¡¯ Calo chuckles.


    ¡®I¡¯ll go to the principal¡¯s office, sure.¡¯ Angela shrugs carelessly. ¡®If telling the truth is considered wrong, fine by me.¡¯


    She gets up, and eventually, Calo, Luke and myself all get up too, following her out of the classroom.


    ¡®You¡¯ll be sorry for getting me send out, again.¡¯ Luke spits towards me.


    ¡®You¡¯ll be sorry for daring to threaten him, again.¡¯ Calo steps partially in front of me. ¡®Believe me, I felt like fighting for days, so please, give me a reason¡­¡¯


    ¡®Fuck off, Delgado,¡¯ Luke hisses, before turning around, leaving us behind, while we follow him down the hallway, towards principal Jameson, to hear what our punishment is going to be.


    * * * * *


    ''We need to talk,'' I state as I watch Calo taking a seat at a table in the lunchroom. ''In private.''


    ''I know.'' He nods without looking at me. He has been avoiding eye-contact most of the day, and he¡¯s been pretty much dead-silent for the most part too. He really only said something whenever he was fed up with anybody, like with Jimmy and Luke in the morning, or Mrs. Tilly and her lecturing our class about bullying. Then again to discuss the matter with principal Jameson, who didn¡¯t seem to know how to handle the situation, so he gave all five of us detention on Friday and told us to go to the lunchroom and work on our homework for the rest of class. Easy way to ditch students that are obviously winning the discussion.


    ''Then why are you avoiding me?'' I grumble, pointing out the fact he treats me just as bad as the rest of the students ¨C and some teachers.


    ''I figured after Friday, you needed space.''


    At least he pointed out the obvious elephant in the room.


    He kissed me.


    ''I just need to know what it exactly means.''


    ''Isn''t it obvious?''


    ''To some level, yes.'' I shrug, finally sitting down next to him. ''But I have a question that I need you to answer, Cay.''


    ''Then ask. Nobody''s listening anyway.'' Calo takes a look around, sort of hinting to me that the people around us are too busy with their own conversations.


    ''What, now?''


    He shrugs again, finally looking at me. He seems in conflict. ''What''s the question?''


    ''What did it mean?''


    ''Again, pretty obvious...''


    ''No, I mean, did you do it because it was too hard to voice the fact that you''re... gay?'' The last word comes out in a whisper.


    ''I did it because I like you. That''s why. That''s the message. Okay?'' He mumbles, his shoulders hanging and his face flushing.


    ''But, I''m me.'' I frown, not really believing what he just told me. ''I''m not a normal human being...''


    ''You might not be the same as most students wandering these hallways, you might be different, but you are normal. Just... one of a kind.''


    I sit in silence for a while, letting his words sink in while he eats his lunch. Then he continues his lecture.


    ''You think you aren''t normal because you think you''re the only one who suffers from OCD. But I bet there''s more in school who suffer from it, just not as obvious as you. Then there''s all the other possible mental illnesses and let me tell you, I know at least two students in here who have a mental illness. You are not alone. You are normal.''


    ''I''m really not...''


    ''It doesn''t even matter whether you are normal or not. I like you anyway.''


    ''Oh.''


    There''s a short silence, before Calo looks up with a smirk. ''Oh?''


    Eeh, I don''t really know what to say?''


    ''Need help?''


    I send him a questioning look, while I find his smirk rather forced.


    ''Something like, I''m flattered, but I''m not gay. Or "It''s not you, it''s me", or I need more space.'' He rolls his eyes feigning a casual attitude. ''Or, get away from me, you''re the freak, don''t infect me with your gay-virus...''


    ''Cay, stop.'' I cover his mouth, causing him to frown and stare down towards my hand, which I quickly pull back again. ''We''re friends, I don''t need "more space" and it''s not me, it''s you.''


    ''It''s me?''


    ''You always cheer me up and you support me no matter what. So, why for the love of god would I not support you?''


    ''Well, for that exact reason; for the love of god and the fact I''m gay.''


    ''And my friend.'' I shrug. ''If you consider gay as not normal, then join the club, I ain''t normal either.''


    Calo''s eyebrows fly up as he stares at me with wide eyes. It takes a few silent seconds before I realise how he might have understood those words. ''I meant, I''m Faulty Favre. Not normal, but not gay... I think.''


    ''You think?'' He repeats my last words, before he slaps the back of my head. ''You are normal. Shut up.''


    ''If I''m normal, you most definitely are.''


    ''The public opinion about that matter is divided.''


    ''Same goes for the public opinion about people with mental illnesses.''


    ''Do I need to remind you that I too suffer from a mental illness? I''m chronically depressed.''


    ''So, you''re one of a kind too.'' I use his words against him, causing him to chuckle, not as forced as usual.


    ''You''re Favre, Neo. I wish more people would see just how funny and kind you are.''


    ''That''ll happen once Christmas and Easter are on the same day. And until then, you have my undivided friendship.''


    ''I like that.''


    ''Good.''


    * * * * *


    ''Mom, can Calo come over?'' I watch as she unlocks the car to get back in. Calo lingering behind me.


    ''Hey Calo.'' Mom smiles at him. ''Hope you''re feeling better.''


    ''I am, ''mam.'' He nods and smiles back at her. ''Neo should become a psychologist. He''s really good at talking and listening.''


    ''No, no.'' Pyper appears in my peripheral vision. ''Neo''s going to be a famous photographer,'' she tells him matter-of-factly. ''You must be Calo.''


    ''Indeed, I am.'' Calo nods, shaking the hand she offers him.


    ''Pyper Favre, Neo''s personal bodyguard. Hurt him, and you''re mine.''


    ''Pyper!'' I his in annoyance. ''I''m not a baby...''


    ''Ah, the infamous Pyper. You''re the one who rebuild Luke''s face.''


    She chuckles and nods proudly.


    I roll my eyes, pulling my mom¡¯s sleeve. So, can he come over?''


    ''Off course honey.'' Mom lovingly caresses my face shortly. ''Calo is always welcome.''


    ''Oh, okay.'' I smile happily towards Calo, who seems grateful for mom stating he is always welcome.


    ''Well, hop in the car and let¡¯s go home.'' Mom taps my cheek three times, before she walks around the car to sit behind the wheel.


    ''So, you got any siblings you protect?'' Pyper continues her conversation with Calo as soon as they sat down in the back seat.


    I know that look on her face. The glistening in her eyes. She likes him, at least physically. Pyper is one who always waits to judge other people until she knows them a bit better.


    ''Plenty.'' Calo chuckles. ''Too much to keep track of all of them.''


    ''How many siblings do you have, Calo?'' Mom asks him to show some interest. ''I already met your twin brother Seino off course.''


    ''You have a twin brother?'' Pyper''s face changes and I can see the thought of a twin hurts. I totally understand. Looking at the Delgado family, I can''t help but feel a bit jealous too.


    ''Yeah, Seino is six minutes older. We have an older brother, Lorenzo...''


    I zone out, already knowing his siblings by name and face. I can''t help but overthink our lunch conversation and the fact Pyper obviously instantly took interest in Calo. She had boyfriends before. Nothing serious, just pre-school childlike "relationships". But compared to me, she is capable of making friends, getting in relationships and the thought of her liking Calo doesn''t sit well with me. He is myfriend.


    Then I remind myself Calo confessed he is gay, and he would probably never be interested in her in a romantic way.


    I can''t help but smirk at the thought.


    ''What causes you to be happy like this?'' Mom smiles as she drives off the parking lot and onto the road.


    ''I''m just... relaxed. Thanks to Pyper and Calo, Luke and Jimmy bully me less.''


    ''That''s good.'' Mom nods happily. ''I still need to thank you, Calo. For the game of the floor is lava? Neo couldn''t stop talking about it.''


    ''Oh, pleasure is all mine,'' Calo tells her calmly. ''It was good to see Neo have fun for once.''


    ''I have fun more often!''


    ''Just not in school.'' Pyper awkwardly chuckles. ''But that was cool, yeah. My friends are all a fan of you.''


    Calo shortly looks at me, meeting my gaze, before focussing back on Pyper. ''Those friends of yours, do they help Neo?''


    ''They eh... mostly try to just stay out of it.'' Pyper awkwardly tells him, obviously getting uncomfortable.


    Mom doesn''t like any of Pyper''s friends, solely for the reason that they tend to avoid me. They don''t even like to come over to our place. When Pyper threw a birthday party and her friends found out I was going to be home, they all suddenly pretended they had different plans already. Pyper got angry, rescheduled the party and I left to grandma and grandpa to stay there until the party was over again.


    They just don''t like to be around me, and I can''t blame them. The stories about me being crazy scared away plenty of people before.


    ''Ne?'' Calo leans forwards. ''We''ll get people to leave you alone. I promise.''


    ''And how are you going to do that?''


    ''By raising awareness.''


    Mom seems unsure on how to respond, Pyper seems interested in his plan and I just let him do whatever he wants. The fact he used those exact words, tells me he already got a plan. Who knows, maybe he''ll come up with another fun game.

 Chapter 15 – Raising awareness

    Thursday, December 1st, 2016


    After Calo and I hung out on Monday, he has been too busy to hang out again. I''ve been working on my assignment for the missed field trip, trying not to bother Calo too much. I don''t want him to think of me as desperate or whatever. Normally, every so often, Pyper and I play video games together because she doesn''t want me to sit alone at home every day, or wander around the city taking photographs, on my own.


    But she''s been over at friends for two days straight and I can''t help but feel bored.


    She''s awfully cheerful on Thursday, skipping around the house, singing a song, heading over to school early for one of the last days of her suspension.


    Mom stares after her, shaking her head as id to wake herself up from her thoughts as I hop into the kitchen.


    ''Morning honey. Good or bad day?¡±


    ''Average. I''m so bored.¡± I whine out once more. ''Can we do something after school? I still need to take my typewriter out to get it repaired.¡±


    ''We could do it this afternoon.¡± She nods and smiles. ''I''ll take it with me when I come to pick you up, okay?¡±


    I nod and sigh deeply. What sixteen-year-old has to hang out with his mom to not be bored? ''Can we go to the movies or something? I''m sick and tired of being home all the time.¡±


    Mom frowns shortly, but then nods. Though she seems worried.


    ''What''s going on?¡± She asks, sitting down in front of me. ''You''ve changed lately.¡±


    ''Did I?¡±


    ''You never felt much need to go outside, or to socialize. You always had plenty of ideas to keep yourself busy.¡±


    ''And now I know what it''s like to have a friend and I want to go out more. I never really missed it, because I never really had it.¡±


    ''Are your appointments with Dr. Delgado helping you in someway?¡±


    ''I think so. I have less bad thoughts. It''s just that it feels weird to not do something I always do. It physically makes me uncomfortable. But on Tuesday he said it''s normal to feel restless and uneasy. He said we''ll take my compulsions one at a time, starting tomorrow.¡±


    ''And which is going to be the first?


    ''I have to decide, and I think I want to tackle my need to always organize my desk first.¡±


    ''Any good reasons behind that idea?¡±


    ''The other day, Cay asked why I did it and I really don''t know why I started it. I clearly remember not doing it. I just don''t remember starting it.¡±


    ''Then I think it''s the right choice to start there.¡± Mom tells me, taking my empty plate and glass to do the dishes. ¡°And what¡¯s going on with the anti-bullying program? Are they finally taking action?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, by giving me detention for protesting the statement they didn¡¯t really have a reason before. Just because Calo had a bigger mouth and makes the bullying more visible, doesn¡¯t mean I wasn¡¯t bullied before. If any, thanks to Cay, I feel less bullied.¡±


    ¡°I bet they¡¯re just trying to save their own reputation before it¡¯s too late.¡± She sighs. ¡°But I guess it¡¯s good. Maybe it¡¯s a little late for you, but if they start to actively take action against bullies, new students with problems will have less problems.¡± She shortly turns to look at me. ¡°And I still can¡¯t believe you got in detention, again. I¡¯m beginning to doubt your friendship with Calo is a good thing¡­¡±


    ¡°Mom!¡± I stare at her with wide eyes. ¡°He¡¯s the best that ever happened to me!¡±


    ¡°I know, I know.¡± She giggles annoyingly childish. ¡°I was kidding. I like Calo, I really do. He turns your frown into a smile and I don¡¯t know a lot of people who can do that.¡±


    * * * * *


    ¡°Neo!¡± Angela comes running up to me, waving a card in her hand. ¡°Did you check your locker already?¡±


    ¡°I did not. I don¡¯t really use my locker a lot.¡± My gym-clothes, washed and unused, are probably the only items that I would find in there. Thinking about it, I should maybe take them home some day.


    ¡°Check your locker.¡±


    ¡°Why?¡±


    ¡°You¡¯ll see.¡±


    I frown, wondering why she can¡¯t just tell me why I should check my locker, but then I shrug, leading her the way to my neglected locker in the far end of the hallway. Someone wrote the words ¡°Faulty Favre¡± on the locker, and someone else tried to clean it, failing since it¡¯s still vaguely there.


    ¡°That¡¯s childish.¡± Angela mutters, obviously talking about the insult chalked on my locker.


    ¡°I didn¡¯t see it before.¡± I shrug, not really feeling like caring about it. Then I search my key to unlock the locker, indeed finding my P.E. outfit ¨C a bit muff-smelling ¨C and a card;


    Tell the truth, or take the dare


    T: Who was your first ever kiss?


    D: We dare you, for one solid day, to stop organizing your stuff.


    Fail, and the truth will be told¡­


    I swallow, staring down at the card in wonder, only to look up to find multiple students looking in my direction, whispering and probably gossiping about me.


    ¡°What did you get?¡± Angela tries to lean and read my card.


    ¡°Tell me yours, and I¡¯ll tell you mine.¡±


    ¡°I wouldn¡¯t mind telling my truth, but I¡¯ll take the dare anyway.¡± She shows me a card, revealing the fact she¡¯s been asked to tell who she got a crush on, or to¡­


    ¡°Skip the first and last steps of the stairs for a day?¡±


    ¡°Calo is behind this, right?¡±


    ¡°He has to be.¡± I grumble, snatching the card from her hold. ¡°Why would he do that?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know, does it matter if people would, for another day, act the same as you do? The last time had been fun.¡±


    ¡°Right.¡± I take in a deep breath. ¡°Did more people get these cards?¡±


    ¡°Everybody got a card, and for as far as I know, there¡¯s three dares; jump the spots in front of the doors, not touch any lines between tiles, and skip the steps of the stairs.¡±


    ¡°Really?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, but I haven¡¯t seen a lot of people playing, yet.¡±


    ¡°Why don¡¯t you just tell the truth?¡± I ask her casually, while we head over to the classroom we¡¯re having our first class in.


    ¡°Oh, well¡­¡± she drawls awkwardly. ¡°I said I¡¯d take the dare, right?¡±


    So, together, we both skip the first step of the stairs as we start climbing it. I can¡¯t help but smirk. ¡°It¡¯s Calo, huh? You got a crush on him? You stood up for him on Monday.¡±


    ¡°I do not have a crush on Calo. He¡¯s hot, yeah, not my type exactly.¡±


    ¡°So, who is your type?¡± I nudge her teasingly, her face flushing. ¡°Tell me! Who cares? I don¡¯t have any friends to go and gossip with anyway.¡±Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.


    ¡°That¡¯s not true. You could totally gossip with Calo, and Pyper. And I bet if you go over to my friends to tell them secrets about me, they would listen.¡±


    ¡°But I wouldn¡¯t go over to people who would only talk to me when I have juicy gossip about their friends.¡± I laugh at the idea. ¡°That¡¯s not me.¡±


    ¡°True.¡± Angela takes in a deep breath.


    ¡°So, who is he?¡±


    ¡°You are, Neo.¡± She whispers shyly. ¡°I like you.¡±


    My eyebrows fly up high as I stare at her with my mouth slightly agape. What¡¯s going on with these people?


    Should I check if she has a temperature, if she¡¯s got a fever that would explain the fact she¡¯s obviously delirious.


    ¡°Are you feeling okay?¡± I ask her hesitantly, causing her to chuckle.


    ¡°See, you¡¯re funny.¡± She looks down as we stand in front of the door to the classroom. ¡°You¡¯re cute¡­ you have an awesome smile and¡­ well¡­ I¡¯ve got a crush on¡­¡±


    ¡°Move, nerd.¡± Luke pushes Angela away from me, snatching both her and my card from my hold, as I was still holding onto hers. ¡°What¡¯s this? Freak?¡± He reads the cards.


    ¡°Another stupid game?¡± Jimmy reads along over his shoulder. ¡°Who got a card, Faulty Favre?¡±


    ¡°I think everybody did¡­ I don¡¯t know.¡±


    ¡°Hey,¡± Angela pushes Luke back, snatching back the cards. ¡°Stop acting like jerks, you¡¯re not cool.¡±


    ¡°Did you just push me?¡± Luke steps towards her. ¡°Are we excluded from your childish game, Freak?¡± He looks back at me. ¡°Afraid you couldn¡¯t handle our dare?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s not¡­¡± I can¡¯t help but frown. ¡°You don¡¯t¡­ I don¡¯t¡­¡±


    ¡°What are you stammering, freak? Forgot how to talk?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s not how it¡¯s played, Luke.¡± Angela pushes him away from me again. ¡°You don¡¯t get to ask a truth or dare back. We don¡¯t know who started it, but it¡¯s for the entire day.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s stupid, that¡¯s what it is.¡±


    ¡°Ahw, do the two empty-heads feel excluded?¡± Calo sounds behind them with a sing-song voice. ¡°Got cards left, want one?¡± He waves a stack of cards, while Pyper is right by his side with a grin on her face, holding a stack of her own.


    ¡°Wait, you guys?¡± I stare at Pyper in disbelief.


    ¡°Luke, your truth, I got one especially for you, is going to be¡­¡± Calo holds up a card. ¡°What happened to you that caused your face to be that deformed? As a dare, we dare you to walk around with a paper bag to hide your ugliness from the world.¡±


    ¡°You want a fight? Delgado?¡± Luke now steps up to him, Pyper stepping forwards too.


    ¡°Want another beating? Want to cry like a baby again?¡± She hisses. ¡°I don¡¯t mind another suspension.¡±


    ¡°Slut¡­¡±


    ¡°Hey!¡± I snap at him, pushing him from behind. ¡°Don¡¯t ever call her that again¡­¡±


    ¡°What, or else?¡± He swirled around to face me, before stepping out of the way since he¡¯s surrounded by me and¡­ my friends.


    ¡°You will regret the day I was born¡­¡± Calo sighs. ¡°We¡¯ve been over this, guys.¡± He drags me and Pyper away from them, Angela following with a chuckle. ¡°You know you would regret it if you¡¯d go on.¡±


    ¡°I will rebuild your ugly face¡­¡± Pyper grumbles, right before Calo covers her mouth.


    ¡°You need to go and show your face for suspension, I¡¯ll take care of the rest.¡± He grabs the cards from her hold. ¡°Thanks for helping me out.¡± He pecks a kiss on her cheek and with a flushed face, Pyper nods and leaves.


    ¡°We¡¯ll have fun today, Neo.¡± Calo cheerfully tells me, putting an arm around my shoulders to pull me towards the classroom, Angela following us again.


    * * * * *


    It¡¯s lunch, and so far, not many people play the game. I haven¡¯t heard many truths, I haven¡¯t seen many people behave like me. It seems like this game isn¡¯t as big of a hit as The Floor Is Lava had been.


    I¡¯m seated with Calo and Angela, watching as people go about their every day business.


    ¡°I appreciate the effort, Cay,¡± I tell him since he seems a bit cranky. ¡°Don¡¯t take it personal that nobody is playing the game.¡±


    ¡°Most of the students in this school have too much secrets to hide, and too much of a reputation to lose if they play along.¡± Angela agrees with me while nodding her head.


    ¡°They¡¯re weak,¡± Calo mumbles, while he gives me the impression his short-lived happy mood is about to vanish into thin air again. ¡°It¡¯s annoying.¡±


    ¡°Well, how about we play the real game? You know? Tell a truth, or take a dare, before asking someone else?¡± Angela shrugs. ¡°I already told my truth to Neo.¡±


    ¡°You did?¡± Calo frowns, staring at her with curiosity. ¡°What was the question?¡±


    ¡°If I have a crush and on who.¡± Angela shrugs. ¡°I have a crush on Neo.¡±


    That causes Calo¡¯s eyebrows to fly up, while I feel my face flush a little.


    ¡°Well, that¡¯s nice.¡± Calo shrugs the matter off without too much enthusiasm, while I feel flattered, having two people tell me they have a small crush on me in a matter of a couple of days.


    Then again, Calo might feel a bit threatened. Angela is a cute girl, and she accepts me for who I am.


    ¡°It¡¯s not important,¡± Calo continues. ¡°If nobody is playing, my plan failed.¡±


    ¡°What plan?¡±


    He takes in a deep breath. ¡°You¡¯re not alone, Neo. And I wanted people to open up about it.¡±


    ¡°If you mean that they had to open up about possible illnesses, then I get why they¡¯re not playing.¡± I simply shrug, staring to my phone as Pyper sends me a message to ask how things are going with the game. I tell her the truth, and how nobody is seemingly joining in on it.


    We sit in silence for a while, just eating our lunch, Calo texting on his phone absentmindedly, Angela every so often smiling at me insecurely.


    Then, Calo takes in a deep breath. ¡°Angela, could you maybe get your friends to join us at the table?¡±


    She frowns shortly, before looking at me, also very briefly, before she shrugs and nods. ¡°I¡¯ll go get them. I¡¯ll be right back.¡±


    We both watch her get up and leave, before I turn to Calo, sending him a questioning look.


    ¡°Why would they want to sit here?¡±


    Calo rolls his eyes in response. ¡°Just wait, okay?¡±


    I want to say something back, as I¡¯m a bit sick and tired of having to wait for answers to simple questions, but I accept it and sit in silence, watching Angela walking back to us with two friends. Only two out of six agreed on sitting here. I guess two out of six o her closest friends like her enough to bare sitting with the biggest outcast of school.


    ¡°This is Miranda, and this is Kaley.¡± Angela gestures from a girl with long black hair, curly but in a ponytail, to a girl with short blonde hair, who both smile at Calo and me, but obviously feeling a bit out of place.


    ¡°Did you two get a card?¡± Calo instantly starts talking about the business he want to discuss with them.


    ¡°Huh¡­ yeah¡­ Is it your game?¡± Kaley sits down opposite from me, staring at Calo with curiosity. ¡°I bet, if people would know for sure this is your game, they would play along some more.¡±


    ¡°It is mine and Pyper¡¯s game. We want to raise awareness.¡± Calo shortly looks at me, before looking back at Kaley. ¡°But it obviously needs a bit of a push to get the game going. I¡¯m asking for your help.¡±


    ¡°We¡¯ll help.¡± Miranda nods with a smile, before she looks at me. ¡°Is it to raise awareness about bullying? Since they started that programm¡­¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know.¡± I shrug carelessly. ¡°I think Calo is trying to make me realise that I¡¯m not the only one who gets bullied¡­¡±


    ¡°Who has a mental illness.¡± Calo interrupts me, correcting me in the same time. ¡°If I call out my truth, will you three follow my lead?¡± His eyes flicker from one girl to the other, ending with Angela, who shortly looks at me before she nods.


    ¡°I¡¯ll follow your lead.¡±


    Miranda nods too, instantly, but Kaley seems hesitant.


    ¡°How about you, Angela and Miranda do it, and Kaley can wait and see how everybody responds?¡±


    Calo and Kaley share a look that I don¡¯t quite get, but then Kaley shakes her head.


    ¡°I¡¯m not calling it out, but I will tell Neo my truth if you, Ang and Mir dare to call it out.¡±


    ¡°Deal.¡± Calo slams the table with a loud bang, already catching the attention of some nearby students in a busy hall full of hyperactive teenagers. Normally, I would sit at the very side of the lunchroom, first of al to make myself invisible as much as possible, secondly to not take up a place that is obviously meant for people with more than one friend.


    I¡¯m a bit surprised as Calo gets up from his seat, climbing on top of the table. He whistles loudly, with the use of his fingers, getting more students to stop talking and looking in his direction.


    I can¡¯t help but slump down in my seat a bit now that most eyes are on our table. But why would I hide? For the first time ever, I sit with four people who are all here by free will. I didn¡¯t force them.


    Then again, Angela might have forced Kaley and Miranda.


    ¡°Yow, words out that everybody, except Jimmy and Luke got a card in their locker!¡± Calo calls out loudly, turning around to take a look at all the students surrounding us. Most stopped talking loudly, but some whisper to each other, while keeping an eye on Calo in the same time. ¡°And I think most of us are scared to be the first one to actually show some guts, and tell the truth, or take the dare.¡±


    ¡°What¡¯s his question?¡± Kaley leans forwards to address me, while I¡¯m keeping my eyes on Calo in surprise. He¡¯s actually speaking in front of all the junior and senior students in this school. Talk about showing some guts.


    ¡°I was asked if I am familiar with any mental illness myself¡­¡± Calo fished the card from his pocket, waving it around. ¡°And to support those who think it should be a secret, I¡¯ll now openly admit, that I, Calo Delgado, am chronically depressed. I have a mental illness and every so often, I cry like a baby for days.¡±


    At first, there¡¯s a silence, some chuckling, but before anyone is able to really register what Calo told them, Angela climbed up onto her seat, her face flushed.


    ¡°My card asked on who I have a crush, and I have a crush on Neo Favre.¡± She speaks calmly, and it causes people to look back and forth between Angela and me. I slide down further in my seat, respecting the two for doing this, wishing people would stare at them instead of me.


    ¡°And I was asked about my biggest fear and I¡¯m afraid of clowns.¡± Miranda joins them with a flushed face.


    People, by now, started talking while still looking in the direction of our table. Some laugh, Luke and Jimmy hollering and laughing at them for doing this, joined by some friends.


    ¡°Well, I hope that¡¯ll set it off.¡± Calo nudges me. ¡°At least people now know you¡¯re not alone with your illness.¡±


    ¡°Neo¡­?¡± Kaley leans forwards. ¡°I know why Calo wanted Angela to come and get her friends¡­¡± She clears her throat awkwardly. ¡°Calo and I have met before¡­¡±


    I look back and forth between her and Calo, focussing back on her while I¡¯m curious as to what it is she¡¯s about to say.


    ¡°I was still at North Haven when Calo got there¡­¡± Kaley¡¯s face is as red as a tomato. ¡°I was there because I have a Borderline personality disorder.¡±

 Chapter 16 - Relentless

    Tuesday, December 13<sup>th</sup>, 2016


    Thanks to Calo, Angela and Miranda openly admitting their truths, more people joined in and told their truths. Some minor truths, like crushes, have been admitted openly. But there had been students who had a truth they didn¡¯t want to share with the entire school. They took the dare and partially acted like me for another day.


    And I took the dare Calo and Pyper gave me, trying to not organize my stuff. Or at least, not as much as I usually do. I started with my notebook, since I slide it around during my writing anyways, and in the end of the day, I left my pencils in my pencil case, I piled my book and notebook until I needed either one of them, and I didn¡¯t use the regular order, all without feeling too restless.


    Not just Calo, but Pyper, Angela and my parents told me how proud they were of me. It had been a very good day.


    What surprised me most, is the fact that Kaley told me about her having a borderline personality disorder, surprising not only me, but Angela too.


    And after Kaley, two more students came up to me to open up about their illness, one telling me she has OCD too, but not as bad as I do. Farah feels like a bit of a cry-baby because she knows how hard my days can be, while she only compulsively counts, counts, counts; everything.


    I¡¯m surprised by their revelations, and the fact they now seem to be supportive of me.


    And instead of spending my lunchbreaks on my own, or with Pyper or Angela, I now sit with Calo, Kaley, Miranda, Angela, Farah and her best friend Libby.


    For the entire week, people had been coming up to me to apologize for treating me badly and I can¡¯t help but wonder if it had been Calo¡¯s game, or the school lecturing about bullying, that caused people to support me more.


    It¡¯s putting it lightly to state that I feel a bit uneasy at times.


    Just like today.


    Ever since people started opening up about their own fair share of problems, Jimmy and Luke lost a lot of popularity. Their group of friends grows smaller and smaller, and their hurtful words aimed at me, are mostly punished by others snapping at them to stop acting childish.


    Calo isn¡¯t in school today. He texted me in the morning to tell me I inspire him, and he made an appointment with a new therapist, to see if he could lessen the frequency of his episodes.


    He also told me he expects to be physically exhausted after the visit, so he would skip the entire day.


    But since Calo isn¡¯t my only friend anymore, I still don¡¯t have to sit alone. Pyper¡¯s suspension is done and she¡¯s been hanging out with me and the girls during recess and lunchbreak.


    But since all friends but Calo are girls, I¡¯m alone most of the time during P.E. The girls are playing hockey on one field, while the guys play soccer on the other field. And I¡¯m seated with Coach Brynn, going over my essay.


    He¡¯s pleased enough to give me a B, explaining what it is I missed in my information.


    I just can¡¯t help but feel a bit distracted, as I keep finding myself worrying over Calo¡¯s appointment with a therapist. I know how much he hates them, and I know how exhausting such therapy sessions can be. I just hope he¡¯ll be fine afterwards.


    ¡°How are you doing these days?¡± Coach Brynn casually asks me as I fold the papers to put them in my pocket. ¡°Think there¡¯s any hope of joining at least one class of P.E. before you graduate?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s not really my main focus to join P.E.¡± I admit with a careless shrug. ¡°I¡¯m trying to focus on making it through the week without any panic attacks. This week is going surprisingly decent so far.¡±


    ¡°Well, keep focusing on your main goals, and all the rest will come later. I spoke to your mother the other day and she¡¯s pretty pleased with how you¡¯re doing lately.¡±


    ¡°You talk to my mother?¡±


    ¡°She¡¯s in the same book club as my wife. They, however, never really discuss any books. They rather spend their time talking about the kids and other hobbies.¡± Coach Brynn smirks.


    ¡°Oh, right.¡± I nod, knowing how those meetings of mom¡¯s book club go. Mom organized a meeting once, but it was too much of a hassle. Off course, it was on the same day Pyper started getting ill again, while I was suffering from a bad case of the stomach flu. She had to call off the meeting halfway through the evening and after that, she decided our household is simple not suitable to organize meetings or parties, or other sorts of get-togethers.


    ¡°Say, class is over in 10 minutes, why don¡¯t you just get back to school already and enjoy a small break?¡± Coach Brynn nudges me.


    ¡°Oh, uh, okay!¡± I nod, desperately wanting to get back to my phone to see if Calo by now has send me anything to let me know how his appointment went. ¡°Thanks.¡±


    ¡°No problem Neo, I¡¯ll see you next class.¡±


    ¡°Thanks again, Mr. Brynn.¡± I smirk a bit, before I hurriedly start making my way back to the gym and to the locker rooms. I might not ever join in for P.E., but I¡¯m not allowed to keep my phone with me either due to school¡¯s regulations and them not wanting to make an exception anymore than they already do.


    If needed, Coach Brynn has the numbers to both my parents, and even Pyper¡¯s just in case.


    I unlock my new lock which had to be replaced after Jimmy and Luke broke the last one, to grab my stuff, instantly diving in to grab my phone. I¡¯ve never really felt the need to constantly check my phone, but I¡¯m worried about Calo and I¡¯m excited when I notice a notification that tells me Calo did send a message during P.E.


    Calo: Do you find it hard to open up to your therapists too?


    Calo:I practically didn¡¯t tell him shit.


    Calo: He seemed to be a bit of a creep¡­. </img>


    I smirk as I read his messages, knowing how hard it can be to tell a complete stranger everything about yourself at the first meeting.


    This content has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.


    Neo:Don¡¯t worry, I didn¡¯t tell your dad shit until the sixth or seventh meeting </img>


    Neo:And I stillhaven¡¯t told him everything


    Like the fact up until I met Calo, I was struggling with suicidal thoughts, or more, the wish to just drop dead and liberate people from my existence. Like the fact, every so often, I still wish I was dead. Just not today. Just not lately.


    Calo:I was getting worried over your lack of response


    Calo:How is school?


    Neo: Pretty much boring, but okay.


    Neo:Without you here, I only have girls willing to hang out with me


    Calo: How are things with Angela? She¡¯s cool, right?


    Calo:And she likes you¡­


    Which is flattering, but I don¡¯t know what to do with that piece of information. I, in no way, feel interested in her, or spending time alone with her. She¡¯s cool, she¡¯s nice and caring. I consider her as a friend nowadays.


    But I am not interested in dating her.


    And she hasn¡¯t said anything about it either.


    Neo:She¡¯s just a friend </img>


    By the time I look up from my phone, the rest of the guys are in the locker room and some even got dressed, ready to leave the locker room.


    They¡¯re all just ignoring me and since we have a free period anyway, I don¡¯t really feel like hurrying to get anywhere.


    Calo:Just a friend? No possible gf?


    Calo: You two would make a cute couple¡­


    I disagree, and I can¡¯t explain why exactly I¡¯m not interested in Angela in any other way than being friends. She¡¯s considered cute and sweet. She¡¯s smart too. I just don¡¯t feel any giddy feelings when I¡¯m with her.


    Or when I¡¯m texting her, which I by the way never do.


    I don¡¯t feel as happy when she shows up, as I feel when Calo shows up.


    Which leads to a rerun of our short, very passive kiss a week and a half ago. It didn¡¯t give me any feeling back then, but it might be doing now.


    ¡°What are you sheepishly grinning over?¡± Luke¡¯s voice sneers close to my ear, waking me up from my stupor as Jimmy snatches my phone from my hold.


    ¡°He¡¯s texting that stupid Delgado-kid.¡± Jimmy throws the phone towards Luke, who reads the conversation.


    ¡°What, Calo is seeing a therapist?¡± Luke laughs out. ¡°Off course he does. Hanging out with you must have driven him nuts.¡± Luke drops my phone on the ground and I want to catch it, but as I lean forwards, he lifts his knee, causing it to collide with my face.


    My phone hits the floor first, and then I do myself. I scan the locker room, but I¡¯ve stupidly enough didn¡¯t notice that we¡¯re now alone, and evidently, that causes fear to rise inside me.


    ¡°Lost your tongue, Faulty Favre?¡± Luke kneels beside me as I cover my nose, already feeling blood starting to sip out of it. ¡°Why¡¯s Delgado seeing a therapist?¡±


    ¡°None of your business!¡± I snap, wondering if they¡¯re really as stupid as they come across right now. Last week, Calo blurted out in the school cafeteria that he is chronically depressed. Now, why would he be seeing a therapist?


    ¡°Oh, we¡¯ll make it our business.¡± Jimmy hisses, grabbing my hair, holding my face in place as Luke pulls my hands away from my face, only for them to be replaced by Jimmy¡¯s fist.


    I whimper in agony, rolling to the side and underneath the bench, hoping to shield myself at least for a bit.


    It¡¯s a futile attempt to snatch my phone with me and since my conversation with Calo is still open as I slide to unlock the now cracked screen, I try typing as quick as possible.


    Neo:Hjelp!


    I lock the phone as Jimmy pulls my leg to pull me away from the bench.


    ¡°What are you doing?¡± Jimmy hisses, slapping the phone out of my hands, causing it to slide over the floor and against the wall on my left. ¡°Nobody cares about you, Neo, only other fucked up crazy people. Calo needing a therapist only proves you aren¡¯t worthy of any normalfriends.¡± He kicks me in my stomach repeatedly, while Luke holds me down by grabbing hold of my throat.


    ¡°Your crazy friend ruined our reputation.¡± Luke hisses in my face, some spit hitting me, causing me to shudder and wanting to throw up. ¡°We are going to get back at him for doing that. He should know better than the help out a faulty person like you. You don¡¯t deserve any attention, or any pity. You¡¯re pathetic and you should just go and kill yourself.¡± He spits in my face, while tears started rolling down my face, as I repeatedly cry out in pain, gasping for air since Luke every so often squeezes my throat shut.


    ¡°Now, you can help us out by telling us why he needs therapy, and this will be over.¡± Luke suggests, as Jimmy stopped kicking me. ¡°Or you can remain silent, we willfind out what his secrets are, and we willtake revenge, on both of you.¡±


    I shake my head, closing my eyes, refusing to tell them what the reason is for Calo to visit a therapist. If they know how weak Calo can be, they¡¯ll use it against him. If they don¡¯t understand what his illness exactly means, they might not be able to do much with it. They might not be able to hold his illness against him, like they are using my OCD against me.


    ¡°Fine, suit yourself, Faulty freak.¡± Luke spits, hitting me once more in my face, before the two of them yet again pull me into the shower area, over the tiles and into the furthest corner. As they leave me, I simply roll myself up to a ball, making myself as small as possible, hiding my bashed-up face by covering it with my arms as tears roll down uncontrollably.


    I really, really, hate my life.


    * * * * *


    My whole body hurts, feels stiff, as I hear the door to the locker rooms open and footsteps rushing in.


    ¡°Neo!?¡± Coach Brynn¡¯s voice sounds worried, while I¡¯m pretty sure there¡¯s more than one pair of footsteps. ¡°Oh god damn it.¡± He curses, as I feel his hand on my shoulder. ¡°Neo, can you hear me?¡±


    I simply refuse to respond, because I don¡¯t want him here with me. I don¡¯t want to be in the company of anyone. I want to be left alone. I want to die in peace, which is a thought that scares me, as I remember Calo crying out practically the exact same words when I was comforting him during one of his last episodes.


    ¡°Neo?¡± Then there¡¯s his sweet voice, full of worry. ¡°Please be okay¡­¡± Calo whispers, as he pulls me towards him, causing me to roll over to my back.


    ¡°Who did this?¡± Coach Brynn demands, as I notice Lorenzo standing behind them, his face shock written, his fists clenched.


    I shake my head, knowing it¡¯ll only make their revenge worse if I tell on them. But then again, they probably already know it¡¯s them.


    ¡°Jimmy and Luke, right?¡± Calo cups my face, whipping away what I assume is blood that is still seeping from my nose. My sleeves are covered with bloodstains, tears and snot and I¡¯m grossed out by myself.


    I nod in response, coach Brynn instantly rising to his feet. ¡°I¡¯m calling your parents to pick you up, and then we¡¯re going to punish those two shitheads¡­¡±


    Lorenzo and Calo smirk over his name calling, though I¡¯m not surprised. He does that more often.


    ¡°We can take him home.¡± Lorenzo offers. ¡°Just inform his mother we¡¯re driving him home.¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t think she¡¯ll agree on anyone else taking him home.¡± Coach Brynn shakes his head. ¡°It¡¯s best to just let his mother come and pick him up. Sadly, this isn¡¯t the first time this happened, and we know how to deal with this. Luckily, due to recent more active approaches against bullying, I think Jimmy and Luke are in for a heavy punishment.¡± He seems pissed and I know for one he¡¯s one of the few teachers that actively tried to protect me from the bullies. For instance, by allowing me to leave P.E. a little early to prevent me from running into them in the unsupervised locker rooms.


    As coach Brynn grabs his phone to call my parents, Calo sits down beside me, pulling my head on his lap while Lorenzo hands him wet paper towels. Calo begins cleaning my face carefully, while seemingly completely focussing on his task, while I savour the feelings of having him close to me again.


    ¡°They swore to take revenge on you for ruining their rep.¡± I whisper, staring up, feeling a bit entranced by him.


    His flawless skin, the light brown eyes darting from one spot on my face to another, as he cleans it. Those very same eyes look tired. It¡¯s when I observe his face, his eyes, his breathing, that I notice Calo is indeed exhausted after his visit to a therapist, and he¡¯s wearing and oversized sweater of which he pulled the hood over his head. He seems ill, even. He looks that bad.


    ¡°Did you have a rough weekend?¡±


    Calo smiles by lifting one corner of his lips. ¡°A bit, yeah. Is it that noticeable?¡±


    ¡°You look terrible.¡±


    ¡°Says who?¡± He chuckles, as his fingertips graze my cut lip gently. ¡°I¡¯m sorry I wasn¡¯t here t protect you.¡±


    ¡°You can¡¯t always be here¡­¡±


    ¡°I wish I could, though.¡±


    ¡°I know you would, if you could. That¡¯s enough.¡±


    And then coach Brynn shows up, Lorenzo following him too, them interrupting my moment with Calo, that felt more¡­ intimate then it might have seemed for an outsider. Coach Brynn telling me my mom agreed on letting Lorenzo and Calo take me home.


    ¡°Will you stay with me?¡±


    Calo now smiles with his whole face, a meant smile, before he nods. ¡°I¡¯ll stay with you, yeah.¡±

 Chapter 17 – Negative self-image

    Tuesday, December 13<sup>th</sup>, 2016


    I''m curled up beside Calo, who is asleep in my bed while I can''t sleep because my stomach hurts due to the bruises. Mom was furious about what happened, and since Calo and Lorenzo agreed to watch me, her and dad - the latter came home from work as soon as mom told him what had happened - went to school to talk to the principal, yet again.


    Lorenzo every so often checks in on me ever since Calo fell asleep, dived into his sweater as if shielding himself from the world.


    Eventually, I give up on sleeping, heading downstairs to get myself a drink, some food and to see if mom and dad are back yet.


    I find Lorenzo in the kitchen, bend over a couple of school books.


    He looks up as soon as I hop into the kitchen.


    ¡°Hey, something wrong?¡±


    ¡°Can''t sleep...¡± I shrug with one shoulder. ¡°My body hurts too much.¡±


    He nods and the look in his eyes tells me he wishes he could do anything to ease the pain.


    ¡°And I''m afraid I''d wake up Calo with my twisting and turning to find a better position.¡±


    ¡°If him sleeping in you bed bothers you, we should tell him to sleep in the couch until we''re going home.¡±


    ¡°No, no!¡± I shake my head carefully, ¡°him sleeping doesn''t bother me. He needs some rest, I think.¡±


    ¡°He does. But you do too.¡±


    I shrug again, grabbing a drink myself, sitting down slowly, across from him. ¡°Can I ask you a question?¡±


    ¡°Sure.¡±


    ¡°Why is Calo depressed? I mean, what triggered it?¡±


    ¡°I don''t know if I''m the right person to tell you. I can tell you that Calo has always been struggling to be happy and I don''t think something really triggered it. The first time they diagnosed him being depressed, he was only 12 years old.¡±


    ¡°Does it...¡± I don''t even know if I can ask my question, which is if it has anything to do with his sexuality, since I don''t know if Lorenzo knows. ¡°Do you know why he was bullied?¡±


    Lorenzo looks at me for a while, before he nods, his whole demeanour a sad one. ¡°I do, and Seino knows too. We''re the only two at home who know what exactly happened. It''s not up to us to tell anyone.¡±


    ¡°I know too. Well, not what happened. But I know... about his...¡±


    ¡°Sexuality.¡± Lorenzo fills in the blank. ¡°It''s part of the reason he is depressed, Neo. Calo doesn''t like himself, or his sexuality. He hates it. He hates himself. And on good days, it doesn''t show. But on bad days, it''s evidently there.¡±


    ¡°But why don''t your parents know about it? It caused him to try to take his own life.¡±


    ¡°Calo never explained. Not even to Seino or me. We just linked certain events together and Calo didn''t deny. But he refuses to tell. In all honesty, Calo doesn''t have a good relationship with our parents and he simply refuses to tell them anything.¡±


    ¡°But... they love him, don''t they?¡±


    ¡°We all do. But if you do not like yourself, it''s hard to believe others do like you. And then there''s the fact Calo does not like dad. I don''t think he hates him, but he doesn''t like him either.¡±


    ¡°And why is that?¡±


    ¡°Dad is one of the best psychiatrists, mostly for compulsive disorders, but for body dysmorphia and bipolar disorders too. Calo wanted dad to treat him, but dad declined. Said he was too emotionally involved with him to treat him. It''s not even allowed as they''re father and son. But even at home, dad refuses to use his knowledge to help Calo. Calo hates the fact dad refused and ever since, they''re like fire and ice. They do not go together.¡±


    ¡°Oh, I see.¡± I stare down and for a while, Lorenzo and I sit in silence. He eventually returns to whatever he was doing before I interrupted, and I observe him. He has the same chocolate brown hair and light brown eyes as Calo, or any of their siblings. He has the same skin tone, just different facial feature. Whereas Calo and Seino have this daring smirk, a mischievous glint in their eyes and a flawless skin, Lorenzo has a smaller face, a less daring smile and kind eyes. Compared to the twins, who always have a frolic air around them, he seems more calm and collective. It''s simply less... attractive.


    ¡°Do you think Calo is jealous because your dad accepted to treat me?¡±


    ¡°No!¡± Lorenzo even chuckles. ¡°He is thankful for dad trying to help you as Calo knows, I think, you need the best.¡± Lorenzo smiles. ¡°He just wishes dad would see he needs the best too. Which he does. His situation has been deteriorating again since he joined South Haven a couple of weeks ago. We hoped his friendship with you would help. But...¡± Lorenzo''s voice falters and he takes a deep breath. ¡°You remind him what he hates most about himself. He likes you, more than just a friend.¡±


    ¡°I know, he told me so.¡± I frown, biting my lip and squirming in pain as I remember I have a cut lip. ¡°So, it''s my fault his... condition... is worsening?¡±


    ¡°Don''t blame yourself, Neo. Calo needs to accept himself the way he is. And it''s exhausting to him because the first step is admitting he doesn''t like himself. Which always puts him in a bad mood to admit it aloud and show his weakness.¡±


    Friday, December 16<sup>th</sup>, 2016


    "So, Neo. How are you feeling?" Dr. Delgado sat down opposite from me, his note block and pen ready to write anything down that could help solve the mysteries of my compulsive behaviour, my anxiety or my fear of germs.


    "I''m mentally drained." I admit timidly, fiddling with my fingers nervously. I was adamantly sure about letting him in on my deepest, darkest thoughts. But now that we''re here, I''m not so sure if I could admit it aloud.If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it.


    The first step is admitting Calo doesn''t like himself.


    And it should be my first step too. Maybe I don''t know what to do with Angela''s confession the other week, because I''m not open to accepting other people liking me, while I hate pretty much everything about myself.


    "And is that because of what happened to you? Or are there other reasons?"


    "Well, obviously it isn''t helping to have two people constantly tell me I''m not worth anything. That I''m a freak and I should just die."


    Maybe telling Dr. Delgado that Jimmy and Luke repeatedly tell me to kill myself is a step in the right direction of talking about my resurfacing wish to die.


    "Is that what they tell you?" He sounds a bit shocked.


    "Yes. How I''m useless and faulty and a bother to people." I shrug for a bit, still avoiding eye contact and now also focussing on not crying over it, again. "And some of it is true..."


    "What parts of it do you feel are true?"


    "I am a bother, I do malfunction." Now I look up at him, to see he hasn''t written anything down so far. His pen is lingering over the paper, but he''s looking at me instead of the paper. As if he wanted to write something down but my words distracted him. "People would be better of without me." The last part comes out in a hoarse whisper.


    Dr. Delgado shakes his head in disbelief. "None of that is true, Neo. You should listen to your own words more often."


    "What words?" I frown, surprised he isn''t trying to talk me into believing those words are lies instead of truths.


    All other therapists would just loudly overpower those words, while they didn''t even know as much about me as Dr. Delgado does. So how would they know if it''s true if I never really told them anything about myself?


    "Weren''t you the one that told Calo name calling isn''t simple? If repeated enough everyone would start believing the lies they are fed?"


    Calo told him that? "I didn''t know Calo told you that." I whisper surprised. "I didn''t know he told you anything." Those words visibly sting him, as a sadness flashes over his face shortly.


    "Calo tells Harper a lot. And she every so often praises you for the things you do for Calo." Dr. Delgado smiles for a bit.


    "Oh."


    "But Calo isn''t the reason we''re here talking today. What I wanted to say, is that you should listen to your own wisdom more often. If Luke and Jimmy repeatedly tell you those lies, it''s hard to ignore. But it''s what they are, Neo, lies."


    "But I do bother people." I whine, pouting as a child because I hate it that he uses my own words against me.


    "When do you feel like a bother to people?"


    "Every time something happens, and mom has to stop doing whatever she does to pick me up again. Every time school is struggling to come up with ways to solve whatever happened..."


    "Tell me, Neo, the last time you had to go home because the day went bad, what happened?"


    "I was texting with Calo, Jimmy and Luke cornered me and they hit me a couple of times. They told me some of those things and I simply shut down."


    "And before they cornered you, did you feel restless, or anxious? Or anything negative?"


    "I guess I was a bit worried over Calo because he went to a therapist."


    "But despite that, did you struggle with compulsions, or anything that could be sign you might needed to be picked up early?"


    "No, it was a good day until that happened."


    "And why do you feel like a bother because if that?"


    "Because dad had to come home to pick mom up and go to school again. They needed to talk to principal Jameson about it. They needed to stop their every day business because of me."


    Dr. Delgado shakes his head. "Not because of you, but because if what Jimmy and Luke did to you."


    What is he trying to say? I must look confused, since Dr. Delgado now smiles calmly.


    "You didn''t bother anyone. Jimmy and Luke bothered you, bullied you, even hit you multiple times. They bother people. And they force you into a position that you feel like you''re the bother because you need people to calm you down, pick you up. But anyone in your position would need that. It''s not because of you, or the fact you have OCD."


    I press my lips together, overthinking his words, knowing he is somewhat right. I didn''t go home because I panicked.


    I didn''t panic.


    I was hurt physically, and I needed to rest.


    "I want you to take a moment and go over some of the moments you felt like a bother and try to tell me if those situations where caused by your OCD, or by the bullying, or any other outside factor."


    I know dad''s accident can be blamed on my OCD. If I wouldn''t have panicked, he would''ve just stayed home. But thinking off all the latest times I had to be picked up or driven home by others, it had been because I was bullied over my OCD. The OCD in itself isn''t causing me to go home. Yes, I have altered classes like P.E. and arts because of my conditions. And yes, I do things my own way. But as long as people let me, I''m mostly fine.


    Even more so, 9 out of 10 times when I fail to execute compulsive behaviour, it''s because other''s bother me first. Jimmy and Luke forcing me over those lines in between the tiles in the shower area. Jimmy and Luke replacing a decent sized desk by the teacher''s desk. Calo sliding my notebook around when we first met. It''s always others who keep me from doing things my way.


    "And?" Dr. Delgado is already smiling, and I think he''s good enough at reading people to know I came to the conclusion he is right. I''m not so much a bother; others are to me.


    "So, then how do I fight the thoughts about feeling like a bother, wanting to be dead to liberate others from my existence?"


    "By reminding yourself you''re not the one who bothers others. You''re the one being bothered."


    "Right. Okay, I guess I can try."


    It''s silent shortly, as Dr. Delgado writes something down on the paper for the first time today. When he looks up, he looks serious again. "Those thoughts, about wanting to be dead?"


    And there we go. Now there''s no way back. I /have/ to tell him.


    "Do you want to talk about those?"


    I pull up an eyebrow at his chosen approach; asking me if I want to talk about them.


    "I just... I struggle with so many things and I feel exhausted and even lonely at times. And nobody seems to really get how I feel and how I think. Mom, dad, Pyper, Calo, they accept my behaviour. But they don''t get it and I think they never will. And the fear and the anxiety attacks draining me. Sometimes I think things would be easier if I''d be dead."


    "You talk about it as if dying isn''t bad to you, but you choose to use a less active way of talking about it."


    I look at him quizzically.


    "You don''t say you want to kill yourself, you say you would think being dead would be easier."


    "I don''t think I¡¯m suicidal right now." I shrug for a bit. "I would feel too selfish if I would kill myself..."


    Dr. Delgado seems to give me the time to collect my thoughts without interrupting me.


    "It''s like, most days I hope a car would run me over. You know? So, I don''t act selfish, but at least I would be freed from this hell. I do hate my life." Even I''m surprised by the absence of emotions in my words.


    "I can give you medication that will take the edge off of those emotions. To give you a little push in the right direction, help you fight the thoughts that are exhausting you."


    "As in... antidepressants?"


    Dr. Delgado nods, still smiling calmly. "I don''t think you are suicidal. You don''t want to end your own life. You''re hoping someone else will do it for you. That is a sign of depression. To be honest, you show lots of symptoms of a depression. Which is logical after all that has happened. But you don''t have to feel this way."


    "Will they help me sleep better? I have trouble sleeping lately."


    "We can give you medication that will also help you sleep better, yes."


    "Well, it''s worth trying, right?"


    "I''ll prescribe you the meds and you and your mom can pick them up today. We''ll discuss how things are going once a week to see if things are improving."


    "Sounds good to me."


    "And Neo?" Dr. Delgado and I stood up, as our time is up, but he stops me from leaving by calling me back. "Not as your doctor, but as your best friend¡¯s father. You could maybe confine in Calo about those thoughts. The worst part about depression is the fact that most people, just like you, feel misunderstood and alone. As if nobody gets what it''s like."


    "Tell Calo about my wish... to die?"


    "He knows those thoughts. Better then I do, better then any therapist or psychiatrist does."


    "Right..." I nod. "I''ll think about it."


    "It is your choice. It''s just my advice as a father of a son who struggles with similar thoughts. I would discuss group therapy if you wouldn''t have slight social anxiety."


    I smile carefully and nod. At least he read my complete file, knowing I''m not a fan of groups. And maybe talking to Calo about this, is my form of group therapy. Mayne it''ll help to tell him, as my best friend, how I truly feel.


    ¡°I''ll see you on Tuesday.¡± Dr. Delgado waves instead of offering me his hand to shake. Another on of the small gestures that tells me he''s really investing time in getting to know ever little thing about me in order to help me get better. It''s another one of those tiny things he does, that make me open up to him.

 Chapter 18 – Opening up

    Tuesday, December 20<sup>th</sup>, 2016


    Calo kept me company during P.E. as he is nauseas because of a higher dose of meds, while I myself am a but sleepy and feeling uneasy due to my own meds. We¡¯re a bunch of zombies, but at least we¡¯re together.


    At least he talked to me most of the day and with the absence of Jimmy and Luke ¨C who have an in-school suspension until Christmas break, the days fly by without any trouble or bullying.


    People either ignore me, or they greet me before taking off again. But hey, it¡¯s progress for practically half of our classmates to say hi to me and send me a smile. It¡¯s not like I expect any of them to become my friend and I don¡¯t need them as friends either.


    With Calo by my side, I feel good enough. I¡¯m still not a fan of groups and crowds, so his company is more then enough. The lunchbreaks are spent in the company of different girls, and by now even Henry and Menno ¨C who are friends of Libby and decided to sit with us during the morning break.


    Then I had a new meeting with Dr. Delgado, and instead of mom driving me, I drove with Lorenzo and Calo, the latter having an appointment of his own at the same time, in the same building.


    We agreed to wait for each other and for him to come over to my place and hang out for the day.


    So far, we hung out every day since Dr. Delgado told me to confine in Calo. So far, I¡¯ve failed to bring it up.


    I don¡¯t want Calo to think I¡¯m even a bigger mess than he thinks already. I don¡¯t want to scare him away. It¡¯s one thing to deal with me while I execute my compulsive behaviour, it¡¯s another to deal with it, while knowing I hate doing it, hate my life, hate myself.


    Besides, since I now know Calo¡¯s condition is deteriorating, I¡¯m scared he won¡¯t want to hang out with someone who is depressed too. What if my bad moods, my moments of weakness, trigger his? And vice versa? What if we infect each other with our thoughts, what if one of us sends the other over the edge?


    ¡°What¡¯s on your mind today?¡± Calo asks, sounding a bit amused as he hops inside my room balancing a bowl of popcorn, a bottle of coke and a bag of Maltesers in his hand.


    ¡°Nothing.¡± I mutter, taking the bowl from his hand to give him a chance to properly grab hold of the bottle.


    ¡°Liar, liar, pants on fire.¡± He sings out, flopping on the bed in front of me, handing me the bottle afterwards with his signature smirk on his face. The last couple of days, that smirk, his smiles, his laughs, they seem genuine.


    ¡°Are you¡­ happy, right now?¡± I ask, fiddling with the hem of my shirt. ¡°You seem so cheerful, genuine cheerful.¡±


    ¡°I feel good, lately.¡± He nods, pushing himself up while sliding backwards to rest his back against the wall. ¡°I was exhausted last week, after my session. But I knew what to expect today and well¡­¡± he shrugs, grabbing a handful of popcorn from the bowl. ¡°I just accepted I wasn¡¯t going to tell him anything yet. And today, he seemed fine with that attitude.¡±


    ¡°But you did accept him raising your dose of meds.¡±


    Calo looks cold, but only for a second, then he shrugs once more. ¡°It¡¯s not as if mom or dad would accept me not listening to my new therapist. Dad had to pull some strings to get me in this quick, so they would call me selfish and spoiled if I¡¯d ignore all that Dr. Creepy tells me.¡±


    ¡°Did Lorenzo tell you that I talked to him?¡±


    ¡°What¡¯s with all the questions, Nee?¡± He nudges me playfully, the smirk back, plastered on his face.


    It¡¯s not genuine.


    ¡°Can we talk, instead of watching a useless movie?¡±


    ¡°You wanna talk?¡± The smirk disappears, and he shuffles back and forth awkwardly. ¡°About me?¡±


    ¡°Not about you per se.¡±


    ¡°But?¡±


    ¡°Answer my question first. Did you know Lorenzo and I talked?¡±


    ¡°I know, yes.¡± He shrugs. ¡°So, he told you I don¡¯t like myself. What¡¯s new? Why do you want to talk about that?¡± He seems not to be too happy about the current conversation.


    ¡°Why don¡¯t you?¡±


    ¡°Why would I?¡±


    ¡°Are you always answering a question with a question to avoid giving an actual answer?¡±


    ¡°It took Dr. Creepy three meetings to figure that out.¡± Calo chuckles ¨C again forced. ¡°What is it you wanna know, Nee? I hate playing games.¡±


    ¡°I told¡­ your father¡­ that I¡¯m¡­ unhappy,¡± I drawl, stuttering a bit. ¡°And I have a, sort of, passive¡­ death wish.¡±


    Calo¡¯s eyes dart all over my face, no hint of a forced or fake smile. He¡¯s all serious, listening to my stuttering without interrupting me.


    ¡°He advised me to confine in my best friend.¡±


    ¡°Me.¡±


    ¡°Yes, you. Because he can help me, up until a certain line. He doesn¡¯t know-¡±


    ¡°-what it¡¯s like.¡± Calo shuffles in his spot, sitting up straighter, taking in a deep breath. ¡°So, dad actually thinks I¡¯m useful for something? Now I¡¯m in need of helping him, help his patient?¡± Calo spits out, suddenly angry, his hands bawled into fists.


    ¡°No, Cay?¡± I squeak out nervously. ¡°Not to help him out with a patient. But to help me out as your friend.¡± My voice turned into a whisper, unsure if I¡¯m handling this right. Unsure of how to make Calo focus on us, instead of his feud with his father. ¡°I want to figure out how we can help each other¡­¡±


    ¡°What do you want to know Nee?¡± He snaps, throwing his hands in the air. ¡°If it¡¯ll ever get better? Because newsflash, for me, it¡¯ll never stop. It won¡¯t get better. I can¡¯t tell you anything positive¡­¡±


    ¡°Cay, stop.¡± I call out loud enough to overpower his words. ¡°I want to help you too, not just me. We¡¯re friends, right? I think of you as my best friend. Sadly, you¡¯re my only¡­ but¡­ I trust you. More than anybody.¡±


    ¡°But I can¡¯t help.¡± He whines, slumping down a bit.


    ¡°You can help me to help you, by telling me why you hate yourself.¡±


    Calo seems to doubt, but when I put my arms around him to pull him against me, he takes in a deep breath.


    ¡°I¡¯m a sin,¡± he whispers sadly. ¡°I¡¯m an abomination to society.¡±


    ¡°No, you¡¯re not!¡± I whisper in shock. ¡°You¡¯re a blessing. I¡¯ve never met a greater person than you.¡±The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.


    ¡°It¡¯s not okay to be gay¡­ It¡¯s not normal¡­¡±


    ¡°Why not?¡± I pinch the skin in his arm angrily. ¡°because it¡¯s not okay to love someone? Because somepeople say it¡¯s wrong?¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t you believe it¡¯s wrong? You have to know it is wrong¡­¡±


    ¡°Cay, have you ever really read the bible? Or do you only listen to how others interpret the Bible?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ve not read it¡­¡±


    ¡°Okay, listen,¡¯ I pull back and grab his wrists, staring him right in the eye. ¡°Remember that stupid game in pre-school, where one kid would whisper a short story into the ear of the other, and by the end of the line, the whole story was different?¡±


    ¡°Why does that matter?¡±


    ¡°What do you think, happens to a book, that gets translated dozens of times, all by different people, over and over again? You think that story would be the same?¡±


    ¡°That doesn¡¯t mean being gay is right.¡±


    ¡°It does mean it¡¯s not wrong either. It means someone who is against it, made all religious people believe it is. It¡¯s his truth, not mine, not that of thousands of others.¡±


    ¡°Why do you have a passive death wish?¡± He pulls from my hold, his eyes flickering down towards my lips before they focus on his hand playing with mine.


    ¡°Because I feel lonely, I feel like I¡¯m a bother and just like with you, people repeatedly told me I¡¯m not worthy of anything. Everybody would be better off without me in their lives and be able to live normal.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s bullshit.¡± Calo whispers with a broken voice. I know I turned his good mood in a bad one and now I miss that genuine smiles and smirks on his face and I regret starting to talk about this. I want to see that smile again. ¡°To me you¡¯re important.¡± He moves his hand to grab hold of my wrist in a way that makes me nervous. It¡¯s a light touch, and I could pull out any second. But I don¡¯t want to pull away from his hold.


    Since when am I this comfortable being touched by someone, without feeling the need to rush towards the bathroom and wash the germs off.


    I don¡¯t know if it¡¯s the heat from his hand radiating onto my skin, I don¡¯t know if it¡¯s the way he stares down at my wrist in his hold. I don¡¯t know if it¡¯s the fact I could sit with him for hours in complete silence and still won¡¯t feel bored.


    But I just sit there, and eventually, I shuffle closer to snuggle my face against his chest. ¡°Are you willing to tell me what happened that caused you to try and commit suicide?¡±


    I feel him taking in a deep breath, as his arms glide around my shoulder and his chin leans on my head. ¡°Do I have to?¡±


    ¡°If you don¡¯t want to, I¡¯m not forcing you. But I do like to know what happened, so I could help you better.¡±


    He remains silent for a while, and in the mean time, he started playing with a strain of my curly hair in the back of my neck. I listen to his heartbeat, that is a tad bit quicker than I think it should be. I wonder if it¡¯s nerves that caused his heartbeat to raise like that.


    I listen to his breathing, that is calm and deep, while his chest rises and falls with every breath he takes.


    As a last move to be comfortable, I place my head on his shoulder, enabling me from looking at his face, even though I¡¯m too close to actually see something.


    He simply lies down, pulling me with him, fighting back a yawn.


    ¡°Okay,¡± he whispers, pushing some hair away from my face. ¡°I had a boyfriend, Will. We were young, so it wasn¡¯t that special, but both of us knew we liked guys from when we were 14 or whatever.¡± Calo shuffles some more, his arms now around my shoulders as I repositioned my face back onto his chest.


    ¡°One day, some of my classmates found out. They¡¯d seen us kissing and they spread the news that we were gay. Bullying started and for a while, Will and I tried to fight it together, but then Will and his parents moved to the other side of the country, we split up, and I was left behind on my own. I couldn¡¯t take the endless bullying, the name-calling. I missed Will and I just wanted it to end. It¡¯s obvious my condition of being depressed didn¡¯t help either and eventually, I took all my medication at once and it was dad who found me and knew what happened instantly.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s so sad.¡± I whisper with a croaked voice, staring up at him, while my finger traces his jawline. ¡°I wish I would¡¯ve been in that school. I¡¯m sure they wouldn¡¯t have had the time to bully you if I would be there as a distraction.¡±


    ¡°If you would¡¯ve been in that school with me, I don¡¯t think Will would ever be in the picture.¡± Calo finally looks down and makes eye contact.


    I carefully smile at him, though it¡¯s hard to smile because I don¡¯t understand what there is about me to like.


    ¡°Nee?¡±


    ¡°hmm, hmm?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m really glad I met you.¡±


    ¡°Likewise, Calo. You turned my whole life around.¡± I snuggle impossibly closer to him, knowing I feel safe in his arms and I could use a couple of hours of solid sleep. ¡°Will you stay over for the night?¡±


    ¡°Off course I will.¡± He pecks a feathery light kiss on top of my head and then pulls the cover over us. ¡°I¡¯ll always be there if you want me to.¡±


    Wednesday, December 21<sup>st</sup>, 2016


    ¡°Morning honey.¡± Mom greets me as soon as I hope into the kitchen, only for her to turn around surprised.


    First of all, I¡¯m about half an hour early to enter the kitchen, secondly, I didn¡¯t shower yet. Thirdly, I¡¯m still wearing the sweatpants and hoodie I wore when I hung out with Calo.


    ¡°Where¡¯s Cay?¡±


    ¡°Calo was picked up about an hour ago. He didn¡¯t want to interrupt your morning with his presence, said that might be a step too far for you right now.¡±


    ¡°Oh.¡± And that¡¯s a bit disappointing, though he might be right that things are going a bit fast lately. I¡¯ve stopped organizing my stuff, I apparently stopped washing off any germs after any contact with a human outside of Pyper, mom and dad. I stopped bothering over the dishes whenever I wash my hands. I stopped three habits ever since I met Calo, and him present during my morning might disturb me in a way that I will feel the need to go back to executing them. Calo might throw me off this early in the day, preventing me from staying in school the rest of the day. And since Jimmy and Luke are still suspended, I want to enjoy the bully-free time in school as much as possible.


    ¡°He left you a note.¡± Mom hands me a note with a small smile on her face. ¡°you guys became really close, really quick.¡±


    ¡°He cheers me up and I think I do the same to him.¡± I do not look at her, missing the smile she sent me, as Pyper sleepily walks into the kitchen, frowning at my presence.


    ¡°Are you really in the kitchen before showering?¡± She asks, yawning shamelessly afterwards. ¡°I haven¡¯t left clothes for you yet.¡±


    ¡°Can you¡­ maybe pick two?¡± I ask her after reading the note in which Calo tells me he indeed didn¡¯t want to disturb my morning bubble and that he had fun, despite the heavy conversation we had. ¡°So that I can pick one of them?¡±


    ¡°Eh, I guess?¡± Pyper frowns, her eyes switching between the note, mom and me. ¡°Is this a new attempt?¡±


    ¡°Yes.¡± I nod, looking up to find both mom and Pyper smiling at me. ¡°I don¡¯t mind the dishes anymore, I don¡¯t organize my stuff. Calo touched my wrist and I didn¡¯t run to the bathroom to wash it,¡± I sum up with a couple of shrugs. ¡°I¡¯m doing good and I want to keep going. Apparently, I am now in the right state of mind to concur my fears.¡±


    ¡°Good, in that case, I¡¯ll put two outfits for you to pick your own.¡± She taps my cheek trice with a finger, before sitting down to eat her own breakfast.


    ¡°Well, I¡¯m going to take a shower.¡± I smile a small smile, getting back up to start my everyday business off in a more familiar way. Shower first, outfit second, breakfast last.


    And then the regular ride to school, the regular staring as I make my way towards the classroom, and the uneasy feeling that settles as I am running a tad bit late due to my early visit to the kitchen, as Calo isn¡¯t in class yet. His desk is empty and there¡¯s only a minute left until the alarm will signal for classes to start. I stare backwards into the hallway, not finding Calo hurrying in my direction. He went home early enough to make it to school in time.


    So, when I sit down, and the teacher closes the door, I quickly shoot him a message to ask him why he isn¡¯t here.


    He ignores the message for the rest of the day, while I can¡¯t help but wonder if I did something wrong. If he has a new episode? Is he mad? Is he okay? What if he had an accident on his way home?


    What if they took the same route dad took when he had his accident?


    Did I skip the first and last steps of the stairs this morning?


    I don¡¯t think I did.


    I think I sleepily walked down the stairs, without skipping the steps. What if Calo is affected by my stupidity?


    What if it is the fact Pyper didn¡¯t pick my exact outfit? She gave me a choice and I picked what to wear.


    What if it¡¯s the fact I¡¯m no longer organizing my stuff? Wouldn¡¯t that have affected him days ago?


    ¡°Mr. Favre?¡±


    I wake up from my thoughts, noticing everybody is staring at me, some chuckling in a mocking way, some looking worried. ¡°Yes?¡±


    ¡°Are you alright? Why don¡¯t you go outside for some fresh air?¡± Mrs. Tilly waves towards the door. ¡°You seem a bit restless.¡±


    ¡°Right¡­¡± I drawl, nodding before I get up, leaving my stuff behind because a breath of fresh air sounds great right now.


    I stop at the bathrooms first, noticing my eyes are wide and scared, my skin is pale and overall, I look light I might get a slight panic attack.


    So, Calo¡¯s absence is affecting me in a way worse way than I ever thought it would. I just hope Calo is doing okay and that he didn¡¯t get in an accident. But I know I won¡¯t be able to sleep for a second as long as I don¡¯t know whyhe stayed home from school while he seemed fine when we fell asleep.


    I just need to go over and see for myself.


    I have to know what is wrong, or I will panic.


    And I don¡¯t want to have any panic attacks this week.


    I want my last school week of the year to be good.


    I want to actually be able to stay in school for an entire week, before I turn 17 during Christmas break.


    So, I text mom and ask her to drop me off at Calo right after school ended.


    I think my friend needs me, and I sure need him.

 Chapter 19 – Cheering up

    Saturday, December 24<sup>th</sup>, 2016


    Today is Christmas eve, and though I¡¯m normally really excited for Christmas break, I¡¯m not too happy right now.


    It¡¯s ten in the morning and I¡¯m still in bed. I¡¯m afraid if I get out, I will end my streak of flawless days. Every day the fear of fucking up something is growing, because I just knowthere will be a moment in which I do fuck up.


    I nearly did on Wednesday when I tried to visit Calo.


    Seino told me it was better to leave Calo alone for a while, that it had nothing to do with me, while it obviously had everything to do with me.


    Before, Seino told his mom to let me come over because I managed to make him go to school on a bad day. I managed to see Calo the very first time he had an episode after we met, because Seino felt confident enough I was able to calm Calo down. Which I somewhat did.


    But now, Calo left myhouse in the morning, and he didn¡¯t show up in school ever since. He hasn¡¯t answered any of my texts or other futile attempts of getting in contact, and all contact is now via Seino.


    Who simply keeps repeating Calo isn¡¯t doing well enough to respond to my messages.


    And currently, I¡¯ve been texting with Seino about what I can do to cheer Calo up.


    Because that¡¯s what is making me anxious; the need to make things right. I stopped organizing my stuff, and Calo got an episode. So, I¡¯m back at organizing my stuff to prevent causing any future episodes.


    And then there¡¯s the fact I want to return the favour. Calo messed up school¡¯s regular order of the day twice, turning it into some sort of playground to raise awareness about OCD and my compulsions in particular.


    And currently, I¡¯m anxiously in bed, afraid to get out because I might fuck something up, while I should swallow my pride like Calo did for me and go out to try and cheer him up as much as possible.


    So, after doubting ever since I woke up around eight, I force myself to get out of bed and into the shower.


    I scrub just a slight bit more because I want to be at my top game when trying to focus on another person¡¯s problems instead of mine. I can best have my habits out of the way as much as I possibly can.


    After my shower, I find one stack of clothes left for me by Pyper, and I pack some essentials to take with me towards Calo. Since I¡¯m not exactly sure on how to cheer him up, I also take my polaroid camera and two cassettes with me to make photos if we might end up going to a beautiful place.


    I¡¯d kill myself if I wouldn¡¯t be carrying my camera when I stumble upon a hidden gem of nature or whatever. It happened once, when I got lost in a city with dad, and I didn¡¯t have my camera while we found this labyrinth of tiny beautiful streets, covered with flowers and decorated with all sorts of colourful ornaments. The next day, the sun wasn¡¯t as bright. It was actually a bit clouded and rainy, and the pictures turned out ugly and useless. Then, we went back home since we were staying in a bungalow, because I tripped over the mat in front of the door and completely freaked out.


    I never managed to get back to the streets to take new photos.


    So, camera present in my bag and I¡¯m good to go.


    I successfully tap the lights to the right beat and end up executing any other compulsions without too much trouble.


    ¡°Morning sweety.¡± Mom pecks a kiss on top of my head as she walks into the kitchen behind me to make me breakfast, while dad puts away the remote to sit down next to me. I can hear Pyper practicing violin in the small, useless-to-park-a-car garage and I smile at the sound.


    Pyper playing the violin is a very good sign. Pyper only plays the violin when she¡¯s feeling extremely well. Because once she starts playing, she can go on for hours and hours in a row. And when she¡¯s not feeling to strong, she¡¯s incapable of playing well, and that frustrates her too much.


    Pyper feeling extremely well, puts me in a good mood, giving me some confidence today might be a good day.


    * * * * *


    ¡°Thanks for dropping me off mom,¡± I tell her, leaning into the car while I just got out.


    ¡°Call me when I need to pick you up again, okay?¡± She smiles, though it¡¯s evident in her eyes she¡¯s worried about me, which I get since I stayed in bed longer then usual, and I look a bit tired and slightly anxious.


    The latter still because I wonder when I¡¯m going to fuck up, or end up in a panic attack, or whatever negative thing that could happen.


    Like Calo telling me he doesn¡¯t want to be friends anymore. I don¡¯t think I would be able to live with that, knowing what it¡¯s like to have a best friend, and then losing it because I¡¯m Faulty Favre.


    I nervously fiddle with my sleeves after ringing the bell.


    I haven¡¯t even told Seino I was coming over, so when he opens the door, he is in the least a bit surprised, trying to hide it.


    ¡°Neo,¡± he whispers, sounding a bit tired. ¡°I don¡¯t know if it¡¯s a good thing¡­¡±


    ¡°I want to do something back for him. He helped me big time at least three times,¡± - which is a good amount of times to help ¨C ¡°and now I want to do something for him in return. That¡¯s how friendship works, right? Helping each other?¡±


    Seino chuckles a bit, before he nods, opening the door further to offer me entrance. I hop inside and Seino by now is used to my irky habits, ignoring such things with ease. ¡°He¡¯s still in bed and I doubt if he will come out today. I think he had three panic attacks throughout the night.¡±


    Which makes my stomach churn in a bad way. I know what those attacks are like and I wish I could do something to prevent them from happening to such a sweet guy as Calo is.


    ¡°And Prayaav and I were about to head over to a nearby tropical swimming pool. Harper is the only one home today, so if something is wrong, you¡¯ll just have to call her.¡±


    ¡°Tropicana?¡± I ask him curiously, remembering the last time I had been there. It was before germs were freaking me out. But every now and then, I feel good enough, steady enough, to go to a public pool.


    ¡°Yeah, they reopened last week.¡± Seino nods and smiles. ¡°I tried to get Calo to come, since he loves swimming, but I didn¡¯t succeed un persuading him.¡±The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.


    ¡°Let me try,¡± I tell him, putting my backpack in the corner of the office, before I run upstairs, skipping the first and last step, panting in exhaustion as I make it to Calo¡¯s bedroom door.


    My condition sucks, sue me. I never do any sports, other then the before mentioned yearly swimming trip. ¡°Cay?¡± I knock on his door, not getting a response from him.


    I knock again, and a third time, before I open the door anyway.


    Calo is seated in the corner of his bed, his comforter pulled around him and a hoodie over his head. He¡¯s staring at the door with bloodshot eyes and tearstains on his cheeks.


    ¡°Hey¡­¡± I mutter, closing the door behind me before walking over to the bed. I sit down next to him, and he instantly leans towards me, sniffling a bit.


    ¡°I can¡¯t do it anymore,¡± he whispers with a broken voice. ¡°I¡¯m so done.¡±


    ¡°I know it¡¯s hard¡­¡± I lie, not knowing exactly what he feels whenever he has an episode. ¡°But it¡¯ll get better. And you know it¡¯ll get better sooner if you go out and do something.¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t have the energy.¡±


    ¡°Oh,¡± I whisper disappointed, though it¡¯s fainted. ¡°I was thinking about joining Prayaav and Seino for a swim, but I can stay here with you.¡±


    ¡°No¡­ no, go.¡± Calo pushes himself away from me again, hiding back in the corner. ¡°Just leave me here.¡±


    ¡°No, Cay.¡± I sigh deeply. ¡°I¡¯m not going without you. I kind of need someone who can calm me down if needed. And I¡¯m not leaving you like this.¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t want to swim.¡±


    ¡°Right, well, we¡¯ll do it next time,¡¯ I drawl, again pretending to be disappointed, wondering if it even helps a bit. ¡°I¡¯ll keep you company.¡±


    ¡°You will?¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re my best friend, off course I will.¡± I chuckle a bit forced, nudging him a bit. ¡°I¡¯d do anything to make you smile again.¡±


    ¡°Really?¡± He pulls up an eyebrow. ¡°Even call of your plans?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s not like I really promised to go already, I just told him I wanted to go. They¡¯ll be fine without me.¡±


    ¡°But you want to go.¡±


    ¡°Cay, stop it, okay? It¡¯s fine.¡± I crawl closer to him, pushing my head against his chest. ¡°I¡¯ll be right here, cuddling you until you feel better.¡±


    ¡°Fine!¡± He groans, pushing me away, throwing off the comforter. ¡°Let me take a shower and we¡¯ll go swimming.¡±


    ¡°Huh?¡± I didn¡¯t even expect him to give in this quick.


    ¡°You do realize I like you, a lot, huh?¡± He grumbles, darting around his room to grab stuff to shower. ¡°I can¡¯t let a chance slip to see Mr. Favre in a swimming trunk.¡± It¡¯s all sounding a bit void of emotions, but it made my face heat up nonetheless. ¡°And I need to be there in case you freak out because if the many tiles.¡±


    ¡°They have big tiles at Tropicana.¡± I chuckle, pushing myself to the edge of the bed. ¡°I¡¯ll be fine, for the most part. Just¡­ the germs might freak me out.¡±


    ¡°We¡¯ll be fine, Nee,¡± He tells me showing a small smile. ¡°As long as we make each other smile, right?¡±


    ¡°Right,¡± I answer with a wide smile of my own. ¡°Anything to make you smile.¡±


    ¡°Likewise, Favre.¡±


    * * * * *


    As I grew more nervous, not just because of the swimming, but also because I¡¯m borrowing a swimming trunk from Calo that is a size too big, about to visit a rebuild tropical swimming pool. I really hope they stuck to the big tiles floors while rebuilding the pool area, or I¡¯ll be in trouble.


    ¡°Don¡¯t worry,¡± Calo tells me with a flat voice as we sit down in the bus. ¡°If you want to get out, we get out.¡±


    He persuaded me into taking a bus, since neither him, nor Seino or Prayaav has their drivers license. It¡¯s my first bus ride in years and I feel a bit uneasy.


    But I¡¯m doing this for Calo, like he¡¯s tagging along for me.


    We¡¯re doing this to help each other.


    Because that¡¯s what friends do, right?


    Though I would never go this far to help, for instance, Angela. But I am doing this for Calo because he needs to be cheered up.


    And I need to expand my world.


    ¡°What if they placed tiny tiles instead of the big ones they had last year?¡± I whisper, fiddling with a string of the backpack I¡¯m holding. I left my polaroid camera in Calo¡¯s room, not wanting to take it with me to a swimming pool.


    ¡°I¡¯ll carry you to the pool if I have to.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, and everybody will laugh at me¡­¡±


    ¡°We¡¯ll pretend you injured your knee and you can¡¯t walk, but you can swim.¡±


    ¡°Cay?¡± I turn around to face him, while Seino and Prayaav are cheerfully chatting away in front of us. ¡°I need a favour.¡±


    ¡°What is it?¡±


    ¡°I was never able to go down the slide. I want to go down the slides.¡±


    ¡°What prevented you from doing so?¡±


    It seems as if talking about my fears, my compulsions, is distracting him in a way that there¡¯s more and more emotion returning in his words. It¡¯s less flat, less void of emotions. His eyes are less panicky.


    He looks better every second.


    ¡°The stairs. They¡¯re tiled, with small tiles. But I want to go on the slides so badly. The highest one, the steep one.¡±


    Calo can¡¯t fight back a smirk on his face, nodding. ¡°I¡¯ll carry you if I have to. But I heard they were remuddling everything to give it a more natural look, so maybe they fixed the stairs too.¡±


    ¡°Good, I hope they did.¡± I nod, sitting back in my seat, taking in a deep breath. ¡°And the diving boards, I hope they changed the steps.¡±


    ¡°I know a way up if they didn¡¯t. You¡¯ll jump off the diving board today, okay?¡±


    ¡°If you say so.¡±


    Every time I do something like this, something normal to others, I¡¯m facing things I have missed out on for my entire life. It feels unfair, yet I can¡¯t help but freak out if I try to do any of the regular things.


    Whenever I go to this swimming pool, all I do is swim, or sit around in a chair because I¡¯m bored of swimming.


    But that was before I had friends to go with.


    I only went swimming with my parents, or Pyper and her friends. Who all left me as soon as possible.


    I manage to survive the bus ride without panicking or freaking out over something, and as soon as we enter the changing rooms, it¡¯s evident they altered things in a good way. Whereas before the floor held large tiles, it¡¯s now completely flat, with lines on the side. But I don¡¯t have to touch them, or step over them, or do anything weird to get into a stall myself.


    I change as quick as possible, never once stepping my bare feet onto the floor because that will cause a panic attack.


    As soon as I come out, Calo, Prayaav and Seino are already waiting for me, Calo¡¯s eyes wandering over my body from head to toe. We swallow in the same time, since I can¡¯t help but notice his abs, and how tanned his skin is.


    And I somewhat like the view.


    And I think he does too, even though I feel a bit insecure about my body as I have no muscles to show off.


    ¡°Ready?¡± Calo nods, and we head towards the area with sunbeds, placing our stuff on two of them, since the rest is already taken.


    The floors are still with large tiles, so there will be no carrying me to the pool. But Calo has different plans. He grabs my wrists and pulls me towards the slides. ¡°Let¡¯s do a recon and see if it¡¯s possible.¡± At least, by now, he sounds excited to be here with us. So, I guess the plan to cheer him up a bit, worked.


    We stop in front of the stairs, noticing they removed the old tiled stairs. They¡¯ve build a stairs out of rocks, large, flat, rocks.


    My eyes widen and I can¡¯t help but jump excitedly. ¡°I¡¯m going up!¡± I call out, climbing the steps, still watching my footings, but going up nonetheless. ¡°I¡¯m so happy we went here today!¡± I turn around to find Calo, Prayaav and Seino all smirking over my excited state. ¡°Don¡¯t laugh, this is my first time ever!¡±


    ¡°Good, I¡¯m glad I¡¯m here to witness it.¡± Calo chuckles as he passes me. I catch up with him and side by side, we climb the stairs further and further.


    There¡¯s two slides, one that is steep and quick and has been on my bucket-list for years, and a new slide, that requires tubes to go down on. There¡¯s single tubes and double tubes, for couples of friends to go together.


    ¡°We take the fast one first.¡± I point towards it, not willing to wait any second.


    ¡°You know, you¡¯re really cute when you¡¯re happy like this.¡± Calo tells me under his breath. ¡°I like it.¡±


    ¡°Thanks,¡± I mutter, as I feel my face burn over the remark. And the little tingles in my stomach make it even worse, because I don¡¯t know if they¡¯re good, or bad. Does he make me feel that way, or is it the nerves and excitement of finally being up here?


    I shake the feeling off, stepping into the slide, ready to go down as it is my turn.


    Calo watches me as I watch back, nodding as to tell me to go. ¡°I¡¯ll see you down there.¡±


    I nod, smirk, and push myself unto the dark tunnel. At first, it¡¯s not that steep, but then there¡¯s a bump and it bends down further, as I shoot through the slide, unable to hold back a laugh because of the giddy feelings in my stomach.


    It reminds me of the time as a kid, whenever Pyper and I would go on swing sets, going back and forth as fast and hard as possible, to feel the tingling feelings in our stomach.


    I feel all energetic and excited, nearly unable to wait for the rest to come down, only to run all the way back up.


    And since Prayaav and Seino take a two-person tube, Calo and I do the same. He sits in the back, I¡¯m in the front, and we float around on the easy ride, as it¡¯s a slide that is divided in parts, some with slow water flow, some with a small tube, some with whirlwinds under the water.


    And we¡¯re just talking, laughing, trying to get the others to fall of. We¡¯re just making fun, when we¡¯re in a part of a slow waterflow, and Calo leans forwards, leaning his chin on my shoulder.


    ¡°Say, Nee?¡± He whispers as his hand tickles my arm playfully. ¡°Thanks for making me come today.¡±


    ¡°Your welcome, Cay.¡± I turn my head to look at him and for a few seconds, we just stare at each other.


    Then, I do something I never expected to do myself, and I think it surprised Calo too.


    I lean forwards to connect our lips in a very careful kiss.


    And since the tingly feeling in my stomach is back, I guess it¡¯s safe to say, Calo makes me feel that way.


    He makes me feel that good.

 Chapter 20 – We can’t be friends

    Saturday, December 24<sup>th</sup>, 2016


    Calo pulled back shocked after several seconds, staring at me with the widest eyes I''ve ever seen. His face is a bit pale, but I can''t remember if the paleness was already there or is caused by me kissing him.


    I kissed Calo. And at that realization my eyes widen too.


    "I''m sorry... I didn''t w-want t-t-to ma... make you uncomfortable..." I stutter, as I think that is exactly what I did. I freak him out like the freak I am.


    "What, no! I''m not... I am a bit... I don¡¯t... Neo? Are you gay?" He whispers the last part right before he stops us from floating further, pulling us to the side of a small pool of water.


    "I''m not sure... I never even had feelings for anyone before. I don''t even know if I feel this way because we''re friends, or because I like you." I admit timidly, getting off the tube myself. "I never had a friend before, I never had feelings before. So I really don''t know the difference."


    "But you felt the need to kiss me."


    I nod quickly, realizing that''s probably a sign I like him more then just a friend. I never kissed Angela, right? I don''t feel the need to kiss Seino, or Prayaav. They''re friends.


    But I wanted to kiss Calo. "It made me feel giddy... does that mean I like you?" I mutter, staring down towards the tube, holding it with my hands as Calo is standing in the middle of one of the holes.


    He lightly grabs hold of my chin, pushing it upwards. He stares straight into my eyes shortly, and I subconsciously lean in a bit. He then meets me in the middle, initiating another kiss, which he deepens almost instantly.


    And I''m done. This is it. This is the best feeling I''ve ever had in my whole life. It''s the warmth that''s radiation from his skin onto mine, it''s the burning sensational marks his touches leave on my skin. It''s the zoo in my stomach, the jolts of excitement. It''s everything all at once, and for once there''s not one single negative thought in my mind.


    We separate with mutual initiation, both panting for air as we stare at each other.


    "I like you." I tell him before I smirk. "That was the best..."


    "You know it''s wrong, right?" His eyes turn cold and he let''s go of me, suddenly all distant. "You should fight these feelings like I do."


    "What?" This time my eyes widen in disbelief. "It''s not wrong, Cay! I told you before..."


    "It is, and neither of us should give in to this."


    "Shut up." I grumble annoyed. "You''re wrong and I''m not going to fight the best feeling I''ve ever had. Because I''ve never even felt remotely close to good, and this was so much better then just good. I''m done feeling ''okay''. I''m done feeling mediocre. For once, I want to do what I want."


    "But I don''t. It feels wrong."


    "It feels wrong to like me?" I whisper in shock, and it feels as if my heart breaks as he nods with the same cold look still in his eyes. "You don''t want to like me..."


    "I don''t."


    "Okay..." I nod, fighting back tears, stepping away from him. "Fine... but then we can''t be friends anymore."


    "We could still be friends -,"


    "No," I shake my head firmly. "I can''t be friends with someone who says being gay is wrong, while he''s the whole reason I realize I might be gay. That means you think I''m wrong too. You don¡¯t accept me the way I am" My voice is cracking, nearing a point of breaking. I''m still capable of keeping in the pain and sadness. But I don''t know how long I can stay that strong. So, I turn around and leave, descending the slide as fast as possible without a tube.


    "Neo! Wait! That''s not what I meant..."


    I ignore him, mostly because he doesn¡¯t sound like he just changed his mind. And I can''t let him hurt me like that. I''ve had enough pain and grief to deal with, without him breaking my heart.


    I hurriedly make my way to our stuff, grab mine and speed walk towards the changing rooms. I don''t know if Calo tried to follow me, but frankly I don''t care. Neither do I care about what Seino, Prayaav or anyone else thinks.


    I need to get the hell outside.


    And as soon as I did, I hide from plain view and call mom.


    ¡°Honey?¡±


    ¡°Mom? Can you pick me up?¡±


    Great, we''re back at square one.


    Sunday, December 25<sup>th</sup>, 2016


    ¡°I¡¯m not sure if we should go, Perry,¡± mom tells dad sadly, while I¡¯m curled up in bed, the comforter pulled over my head, still crying my eyes out every so often. ¡°Neo isn¡¯t doing well enough.¡±


    ¡°You know he always feels better when we visit my parents,¡± is dad¡¯s simple response. ¡°You just want to get out of it because Chantal will be there with Ferdi and the kids.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s not true.¡±


    ¡°It is true. You¡¯ve been coming up with reason not to have dinner with my parents for weeks now.¡±


    I throw the comforter off, staring at them with anger in my eyes. I must look terrible, but at least that¡¯ll shut them up. ¡°We are going, now shut the hell up and let me be for another half an hour.¡± I pull the comforter back over my head, realizing I just told my parents to shut the hell up.


    But then again, why are they even in my room, bickering over family feuds mom keeps up, while aunt Chantal tried to fix things?


    I¡¯m sick and tired of everyone bickering over my habits, I¡¯m sick and tired of people telling that I do things wrong, that I¡¯m faulty, or a freak, or that being gay is wrong. I don¡¯t even care whether or not I¡¯m actually gay ¨C I know I like Calo a lot ¨C but that¡¯s not the point.


    I want to live my life the way I feel comfortable with. With or without my habits, with or without having feelings that half the world thinks are wrong.If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.


    And I¡¯m done feeling shitty because I¡¯m different. I don¡¯t want anyone to tell me how to behave, who to like, what to think.


    I just want to be me, along with all my flaws.


    And that¡¯s when I push the comforter off a second time, ready to face another day, and the rest of my life; the way I want to face it.


    I shower, I ignore the itch to tap the light button. If people think they can control me, they¡¯re so wrong.


    Once I¡¯m back from the shower, I notice Pyper left me two outfits on the bed to pick from, but I ignore them and grab black skinny jeans and a flannel shirt with a white t-shirt to wear, ignoring the rest of the clothes.


    Today, I¡¯m taking control over my life, and I don¡¯t care what others think of it.


    It results in a pulled-up eyebrow from Pyper as I show my face in the kitchen. The fact I did not skip into the kitchen causes mom to stare at me in worry. Dad sort of tries to ignore it.


    ¡°Looks good, Nee.¡± Pyper tells me with a smile.


    ¡°Thanks.¡± I shrug, sitting down in my spot in the kitchen. ¡°I don¡¯t want to hear one word about my behaviour, or my ticks, or any of it, when we¡¯re at grandma¡¯s and grandpa¡¯s house. I don¡¯t want anyone fighting over my behaviour.¡±


    Mom takes in a deep breath and nods, while dad smiles proudly at me


    ¡°Only Milan, Mass and Mateo will be there.¡± Pyper tells me. ¡°Leo and Romeo are visiting their girlfriends parents.¡±


    I shrug again, not caring in the least that they won¡¯t be there. I don¡¯t really have anything with Leo or Romeo anyway, as there¡¯s too big of an age gap.


    I do, however, like the fact I finally will see Milan and Mass again. I remember both of them always adjusting to me, trying to make me feel like I belonged. I also remember Milan is the kindest guy I¡¯ve ever met.


    He¡¯s everybody¡¯s friend and I guess it¡¯s safe to say, he would be my friend too, if we would see each other more often.


    For the rest of the afternoon we focus on fixing the desserts, since my aunt and uncle take care of the first course and grandma and grandpa the main course.


    I try to get some homework done in the meantime, and I ignore all texts Calo sent me in the meantime.


    He keeps texting me, begging to listen to him, but I refuse. I don¡¯t want him to talk me down right now. I don¡¯t want to hear his opinion about it being wrong to be gay. How could anything be wrong if it makes me happy and it isn¡¯t hurting anyone else?


    Besides, he already ruined Christmas eve and Christmas morning for me. I¡¯m not letting him ruin the rest of Christmas.


    I¡¯m grew a bit nervous after we left the house, and I switched my bedroom light off without using my regular beat.


    I then remembered Dr. Delgado¡¯s words, and the fact we¡¯re not home, and insurances would take care of things if a fire might happen.


    And we all would get to buy some new clothes, stuff, refurnish our new house. It¡¯s futile to think these things, but they help me in some way.


    And as soon as we¡¯re at my grandparents¡¯ house, it¡¯s evident, we¡¯re the last to arrive. There¡¯s three cars in front of the house that I haven¡¯t seen before.


    Mom rings the doorbell and shortly looks at me, before she puts on a forced smile, because it is uncle Ferdi who opened the door.


    He greets us with a wide smile, a hug and kisses for mom and some sort of brotherly hug for dad. Pyper also gets kisses on her cheek and then it¡¯s my turn, and he offers me a hand.


    ¡°I don¡¯t shake hands¡­¡± I mutter, dipping my head low while brushing past him into the house. ¡°Sor¡­¡± I¡¯m not going to apologize. I¡¯m unwilling to apologize because I do things differently.


    If I should apologize for being different to them, they should apologize for being different to me. Who decides what normal is anyway?


    ¡°That¡¯s okay, Neo.¡± Uncle Ferdi smiles as he closed the door behind me. ¡°No need to apologize. Good you stopped yourself from doing so.¡± He winks and I can¡¯t help but show a small smile of gratitude, since he at least agrees to me that I shouldn¡¯t apologize for being different.


    ¡°Pyps!¡± A boy¡¯s voice calls out cheerfully. And as soon as I followed her into the living room ¨C mom and dad putting desert in the fridge ¨C I see Milan jumping up from the couch to greet Pyper. But then he sees me and his eyes light up, a cheeky smile appearing on his face. ¡°And Neenee.¡±


    I roll my eyes at the use of my former nickname. ¡°Mimi, always fun to see you.¡± I greet him, flashing a smirk of my own.


    He hugs Pyper, kisses her on both cheeks, before turning to me and waving. ¡°How are you guys doing?¡±


    ¡°Good.¡± Pyper nods, sitting down next to Mass, after hugging him too.


    Mateo, a girl I haven¡¯t seen before, and grandma are seated at the dinner table already, while grandpa got up to greet me with a shake of the hand.


    ¡°Neo, I heard you made some beautiful new pictures. Did you bring them?¡±


    ¡°Yeah!¡± I nod excitedly, taking the backpack from my back to retrieve the folder with the new pictures. ¡°Right here, as always.¡±


    ¡°Go greet you grandma, wash your hands and tell me what they are about.¡± He pats my cheek trice, and I do as he tells me, receiving two pecks on my cheek from grandma, before I hurriedly wash my face and hands, returning to the living room, feeling all energetic again.


    ¡°You took these?¡± Milan holds up the folder, showing pictures of people skating in the park.


    ¡°Yeah, during summer. Why?¡±


    ¡°These are awesome!¡± He pats the page. ¡°Can you ski?¡±


    ¡°Can I ski? No?¡± I chuckle, sitting in between Milan and grandpa, taking the folder onto my lap. ¡°Why would you ask?¡±


    ¡°Jake is always videotaping me during skiing. But even though he is awesome with videos, he sucks at taking pictures. I thought maybe you could join us sometime, take some pictures?¡±


    ¡°I can¡¯t ski.¡± I repeat but smile nonetheless.


    ¡°We wanted a new family picture, Neo.¡± Aunt Chantal is now in the living room, accompanied by mom, who seems to disagree with the subject right now. ¡°Could you help us out?¡±


    ¡°Off course.¡± I nod, not caring if mom disagrees to it. ¡°I¡¯ll see when I have some time and when you can all get together.¡±


    ¡°Neo, we talked about it. You don¡¯t have the time¡­¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ll make time.¡± I cut my mom short. ¡°I¡¯m not a baby anymore. I¡¯ll be fine.¡±


    She bites her lip, obviously wanting to protest, but knowing me well enough to know right now I won¡¯t accept her forbidding me to do anything.


    ¡°And the skiing?¡± Milan taps the page again. ¡°It would be awesome. You would get to meet my best friend Jake and I could teach you some basics.¡±


    I look at him while overthinking the option, trying to find a reason why I wouldn¡¯t take him up on his offer. ¡°Sure. We could do that.¡±


    It¡¯s only because Milan is super talented in skiing and soccer, and highly intelligent, already accepted into Stuyvesant university ¨C which is the best in the country ¨C that I accept his offer. If he can¡¯t teach me how to ski, I don¡¯t think anyone can.


    * * * * *


    ¡°So, how are things with your OCD?¡± Milan asks casually, as we watch how Mateo, Mass, Pyper, Milan¡¯s girlfriend Cara and Mateo¡¯s girlfriend Kim are playing soccer on the grass close to grandpa¡¯s and grandma¡¯s house.


    ¡°Some days are good, some are bad.¡±


    ¡°And today?¡±


    ¡°Today I¡¯m mostly angry, upset, and uncaring about it.¡± I admit with a shaky breath following my words. ¡°Mil? Can I ask you a question?¡±


    ¡°Sure.¡±


    ¡°Do you think homosexuality is wrong?¡±


    He snaps his head towards me, his eyes wider than usual, his face slowly going red. ¡°Why do you ask?¡±


    ¡°Because I like this guy¡­ and he thinks it¡¯s wrong, though he says he likes me too. But he¡¯s fighting the feelings and he kind of broke my heart¡­¡± I drawl, whispering now. ¡°I don¡¯t even know why I¡¯m telling you. We haven¡¯t seen each other in so long.¡±


    ¡°Maybe it feels safe because I can¡¯t tell anyone else?¡± he responds with a shrug, sighing in relief over something. ¡°So, you¡¯re gay?¡±


    ¡°I might, I don¡¯t know. I never had feelings for anyone so I¡¯m a bit confused. But when we kissed, I was complete. I was happier then ever¡­¡±


    ¡°Obviously you really like him. But that¡¯s okay, right? I don¡¯t think it¡¯s wrong. It¡¯s just a person, loving another person.¡±


    I smile timidly, nodding along with him, happy I have someone who agrees with me. ¡°Don¡¯t tell anyone, okay? I¡¯m not sure, and I want to be absolutely sure¡­¡±


    ¡°I get it.¡± Milan nods, his smile vanishing. ¡°See Cara?¡± He nods in her direction as she just scored a goal with soccer. Milan wasn¡¯t allowed to play because he¡¯s too good ¨C he scored three goals in three minutes ¨C and I didn¡¯t want to play because I hate getting sweaty and dirty.


    ¡°Yeah, your girlfriend, right?¡±


    ¡°She¡¯s bisexual. And I¡¯m not really into her,¡± he whispers with a shaky voice. ¡°She knows I¡¯m not, but she¡¯s not into me that way either. She likes this girl, and I like this guy, and we keep up appearance until we¡¯re sure we are in fact gay.¡±


    ¡°Oh, wow.¡± I frown, taking in Milan en profile as he is following Cara with his eyes. ¡°So, you think you¡¯re gay too?¡±


    ¡°Yeah. But this will be our secret, okay? I¡¯m on the same page as you are. I want to be absolutely sure before I come out to anyone.¡±


    ¡°I won¡¯t tell anyone, if you won¡¯t tell anyone either.¡±


    ¡°I guess we have ourselves a deal, mister Favre.¡±


    ¡°Cool, Mr. Lohmann.¡± I chuckle, genuinely smiling because of him and his goofy attitude. ¡°And you are so definitely going to teach me how to ski. I want to do something that is so unlike me, it¡¯ll shock the world.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m kind of busy this month, HellerStern is organizing all these photoshoots with clothes and I have practice, but in February you should come over and we¡¯ll make it a fun weekend.¡±


    ¡°Sounds good to me.¡±


    And right before we leave to go home, Milan and I exchange our phone numbers, promising to stay in contact from now on.

 Chapter 21 – Revealing the truth

    Monday, January 9<sup>th</sup>, 2017


    I¡¯ve been nervous to go back to school for about a week now. Calo stopped texting me shortly after Christmas, and he didn¡¯t send me a text to congratulate me with my seventeenth birthday on New Year¡¯s Day.


    I think it¡¯s safe to say he finally got the message; I refuse to be friends with someone who doesn¡¯t accept of me the way I fully am, gay or hetero shouldn¡¯t matter.


    And when I walk into the classroom without skipping into it ¨C I¡¯ve got that far with a little bit of help from Dr. Delgado, and much help from my anger towards all judgemental people ¨C the class goes silent.


    It caused Calo to look up from his phone, and first he wants to smile, then his eyes behold pain, and then they flicker down towards my feet; in the spot I used to skip.


    I send him a cold look before I move to sit down next to him without saying a word.


    ¡°Neo, you¡¯ve got to listen to me.¡± He instantly turned to look at me. ¡°I do like you¡­¡±


    ¡°Stop it, Calo,¡± I tell him with a chill tone-of-voice. ¡°You do not accept me the way I am, so fuck you.¡±


    Gabriel and Hans, who are seated behind us in this class, holler at my insult, both with wide eyes that are full of amusement.


    ¡°You didn¡¯t skip¡­¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s none of your business anymore.¡± I cut him short, casually grabbing my stuff, randomly throwing them on my desk. ¡°But thanks for giving me the push I needed to stop caring about pretty much everything.¡±


    He swallows at my cold tone, my hurtful words, and the fact I keep turning him down.


    ¡°Nee¡­¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s Neo. Nee is for friends.¡±


    ¡°Auch¡­¡± Calo swallows again, and when I look up, there¡¯s agony in his whole demeanour. He just stares at me with painfilled eyes before he slowly turns in his seat and stares towards the front of the classroom. ¡°I¡¯ll leave you alone.¡±


    I take in a deep breath and nod in appreciation, now focussing on my stuff and searching for the homework we had to finish during Christmas break.


    We¡¯ve set the tone, and it lasts the rest of the day.


    Jimmy and Luke tried to insult me in a couple of occasions, but they didn¡¯t bother me. I know plenty of people have secrets in this school, and I know plenty of them are a bit different from what is considered normal. Despite the fact Calo and I aren¡¯t friends, I still have plenty of people that want to hang out with me and I simply find myself not caring over any of Jimmy¡¯s or Luke¡¯s insults.


    They stopped bothering me halfway throughout the day, and they started aiming for Calo, who isn¡¯t very responsive to the insults either.


    They get visibly frustrated over the fact nobody seems to respond to their bullying, their jokes or any of the things they do.


    And that¡¯s what should¡¯ve alarmed me.


    Jimmy and Luke do not like to be ignored. The last time something like this seemed to happen, they cornered me in the locker rooms and they¡¯ve beaten me up pretty badly.


    And that was before I stopped caring about their words.


    And this time, they didn¡¯t aim for me. They stopped bothering me, like I said, and aimed for Calo.


    And that¡¯s when everything goes wrong.


    I¡¯m seated in the lunchroom, with Angela, Libby, Damon and Pyper as my company.


    We¡¯re just chatting about Christmas break and what everybody did during the holidays, when Pyper¡¯s face pales, and her eyes snap towards me in shock.


    ¡°Nee?¡± She pulls my sleeve, nodding for me to come closer. ¡°Jimmy just sent this to everybody he has on snapchat. People are sending it to the rest of the school.¡±


    And then she shows me a picture of a younger version of Calo, kissing another guy. The first picture is a bit old and it¡¯s hard to tell who¡¯s in it, but Calo is very recognizable in the second picture.


    It¡¯s signed with the words ¡®Calo¡¯s biggest secret¡¯.


    I stare at it in horror, knowing Calo was bullied over this. Knowing Calo came to this school so his secret would be safe. To make sure nobody would know.


    And I know Calo¡¯s been on the verge of a mental break down, because of me.


    Because I kept acting cold and distant.


    But Calo needs a friend right now, and no matter how much he hurt me, I can¡¯t let him down right now.


    * * * * *


    I searched the entire school to find Calo, since he wasn¡¯t in the lunchroom when we received the pictures. And then I saw him step into a car right when I was about to look outside for him.


    And the look on his face, the tears streaming down, and the worried look on Lorenzo¡¯s face were enough to get me into action.


    I need to see Calo and tell him it will all be alright. That it¡¯ll last a while, but people will accept him. I¡¯ve heard plenty of people say that Jimmy and Luke shouldn¡¯t mess with other people and how it wasn¡¯t up to them to out Calo to the entire school.


    There¡¯s plenty of people supporting him.You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.


    And he needs to know.


    And he needs to know right now. So, I borrowed Pyper¡¯s bike and took off towards his house, despite the fact I still have three classes today. I have a bad feeling about Calo¡¯s mental state.


    This might have broken his spirit.


    Once I finally reach their house, I realize I haven¡¯t done any of the habits or compulsions like counting or tapping, that I used to do while riding a bike, simply because my mind is too occupied with Calo¡¯s mental health.


    I know how much he hates to be gay, how much he is against it. And now he¡¯s out as gay in public, yet again.


    So I knock on the door hard, I ring the bell multiple times and I¡¯m impatiently hopping from one foot to the other until Seino opens the door.


    ¡°Where¡¯s Calo?¡± I ask him in a hurry, brushing past him and into the house. ¡°I need to see Calo.¡±


    ¡°He went up to his room after Lorenzo dropped him off. What happened?¡± Seino is coughing a bit and I notice he looks a bit sick. ¡°He looks horrified¡­ did he have a panic attack?¡±


    ¡°They outed him, to the school. They showed a picture of Calo kissing a guy.¡±


    ¡°What!?¡± Seino pulls me along towards the stairs and then we both run to Calo¡¯s bedroom door. ¡°Cay!? Let me in.¡± Seino demands. ¡°I heard what happened, you have to let me in.¡±


    I didn¡¯t miss the panic and the fear in his voice, while he pulls his phone from his pocket, dialling a number while slamming his fist against the door.


    ¡°Cay? Will you talk to me?¡± I call out in worry, since Seino is freaking out, wanting to open the door too badly for my likings.


    There¡¯s no response and there¡¯s a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. An unsettling feeling that is cause by the look on Calo¡¯s face when he got into that car.


    ¡°Enzo? It wasn¡¯t a panic attack. You have to come back home. They outed him to the school.¡± Seino firmly speaks into the phone. ¡°Should I break open the door?¡± He nods a couple of times, along with the occasional uhu¡¯s and okay¡¯s.


    As soon as he hangs up, he pushes me away from the door, bracing himself before he slams his shoulder against the door, trying to break it.


    ¡°What¡¯s going on?¡± I squeak out.


    ¡°He¡¯ll hurt himself. He didn¡¯t want to ever be out again¡­¡± Seino grumbles, now resolving in kicking the look. After three kicks, it starts to crack, and with the sixth kick, the door breaks out of it¡¯s post and slams open.


    Calo is seated on the floor, the furthest away from the window. His skin is pale, his eyes are bloodshot and tears are uncontrollably rolling down his face.


    And he¡¯s throwing a handful of pills into his mouth, swallowing them with a bottle of water, letting go of an empty bottle of prescribed medication.


    ¡°CALO! NO!¡±


    I stare in shock as Calo is already lolling his head and I reckon those weren¡¯t the first pills he took, noticing there¡¯s a second empty bottle next to him on the floor.


    ¡°Cay, no, no.¡± Seino cries out, grabbing his face, forcing Calo to look at him. ¡°Throw up, Calo. You have to throw up. I¡¯m not letting you die.¡± Calo is lolling his head away, still crying, his body shocking with every sob that comes out. His arms limply by his side, while his eyes slowly close.


    ¡°Cay, say something, please.¡± Seino whispers in total shock. ¡°Neo, call an ambulance! Please, call them now!¡±


    I stand still in shock for another couple of seconds before I wake up from my shocked state and dial for an ambulance.


    * * * * *


    I can¡¯t describe how I felt when I saw Calo limply hanging in Seino¡¯s arms, as the latter tried to wake him up by slapping his face.


    Lorenzo was back home within a couple of minutes and together with Seino, he made Calo throw up while keeping him in a forward position, so he wouldn¡¯t suffocate while throwing up.


    Out came numerous of pills and despite their effort to make him throw up, there wasn¡¯t much coming out after the first two attempts.


    And Calo didn¡¯t wake up.


    I started crying and eventually Lorenzo took over the phone while Seino kept checking Calo¡¯s wrist to find a pulse, and his chest and mouth to check if he was still breathing.


    I don¡¯t know how long it took before the ambulance arrived, but it couldn¡¯t have taken very long.


    Seino went in the ambulance with Calo, while Lorenzo called his mom and took me to the hospital afterwards.


    And that¡¯s where I currently am; in the waiting room with Seino, Lorenzo and my own mom.


    I had to let her know where I was and as soon as I told her what happened she jumped in the car to come to me and try to comfort me.


    We¡¯ve been at here for an endless amount of time, while the whole room was silent. After a while, Tiago, Yasmine and Harper showed up, but they went back outside as they couldn¡¯t take it to stay inside.


    Seino promised to call them as soon as there was news.


    ¡°Neo?¡± Seino looks up towards me, his voice croaked and shallow. ¡°How did you know?¡±


    ¡°How did I know what?¡±


    ¡°That you had to follow after him? Even Lorenzo and I didn¡¯t notice anything out of the ordinary.¡±


    ¡°I knew what happened.¡± I mutter with a shrug. ¡°And when he got in that car with Lorenzo, the look on his face? I just knew he needed a friend. But I was too late.¡±


    Seino stares at me for a while before he nods and returns back to his previous silent state.


    Mom let¡¯s her hand go through my hair, pulling me in a hug as soon as she notices there¡¯s still tears rolling down my face.


    I don¡¯t know how much longer we waited in that waiting room, but eventually, their parents walk into the waiting room. They look tired, stressed, and their mother is a wreck. Her hair is messily pulled up in a bun while her make-up is all over the place.


    Seino instantly grabs his phone to call his brother and sisters and as they arrive, Dr. Delgado ¨C It¡¯s a habit to call him that way ¨C clears his throat.


    ¡°He¡¯s going to be okay. They managed to stabilize him¡­¡± His voice breaks, and a tear rolls down his cheek.


    It¡¯s probably the first time I see a sign of human weakness in him. He always seemed strong, calm, collective.


    And by now I know him and Calo don¡¯t get along at all and Calo every so often complained his father had no emotions. That he had no feelings towards him as his son.


    But this shows me he cares even more about Calo than anyone would say by observing their relationship.


    ¡°Calo will be admitted to a psychiatric ward until we¡¯re sure he¡¯s no longer suicidal¡­¡±


    ¡°Are you going to treat him?¡± Seino asks with a voice void of any emotions. ¡°You said ¡®we¡¯, so are you finally willing to help your own son?¡±


    Dr. Delgado seems a bit taken aback by the question, swallowing hard, before shaking his head. ¡°I can¡¯t treat Calo, I could never, because I¡¯m his father¡­¡±


    ¡°You know he only wants you to treat him.¡± Harper speaks up with an angry look on her face. ¡°How can you not treat him while you know he needs you now, more then ever?¡±


    ¡°Calo won¡¯t open up to me. It won¡¯t do either of us any good¡­¡±


    ¡°I disagree,¡± I mutter, keeping my head down low. I shouldn¡¯t even be in here, let alone interfere with their family conversation. But I know Calo want¡¯s his father as his psychiatrist more then anything.


    ¡°Neo¡­¡± Mom taps my leg. ¡°Let¡¯s give them some privacy¡­¡±


    ¡°No, let him talk.¡± Mrs. Delgado is the one that encourages me to go on. ¡°You probably know Calo best.¡±


    ¡°He would open up if you¡­ these are not my words¡­ would swallow your pride and treat him. He doesn¡¯t tell you anything becauseyou refuse to treat him. He said that if you¡¯re not willing to meet him halfway, he¡¯s not going to do it either.¡± I speak with a timid voice, still not looking at them since I feel like an intruder. But I know I need Dr. Delgado to help Calo. Calo won¡¯t listen to any other psychiatrist, knowing his father is the best for his condition around this place.


    ¡°See?¡± Lorenzo waves towards me as I look up to find all of them staring at either me, or Dr. Delgado. ¡°I told you Calo refuses to talk because you won¡¯t treat him. He told you plenty of things and you didn¡¯t do anything to help him. Then why would he open up about his biggest struggle?¡±


    ¡°Obviously some of you know what the reason is behind his suicide attempt.¡± Dr. Delgado looks at me, Seino and then Lorenzo. ¡°And if any of you thinks that Evita or I don¡¯t know what it is, then you should think again.¡±


    ¡°What is it?¡± Tiago speaks up with a bit of curiosity. ¡°I mean, it can¡¯t be bullying, because Neo has it worse and he¡¯s still going on¡­¡±


    ¡°You know nothing about Neo¡¯s situation, and you can¡¯t compare it to Calo¡¯s.¡± Dr. Delgado tells him, before he sighs. ¡°Right now, the only thing that is important is that Calo is going to be fine. He just needs the right help¡­¡±


    ¡°Which is you, treating him.¡±


    ¡°I can¡¯t, because those are the rules.¡± He now seems to get frustrated and I see some sort of regret in his eyes.


    I do believe Dr. Delgado would treat Calo if the rules wouldn¡¯t forbid him from doing so. I just don¡¯t understand why he won¡¯t sit down with Calo at home.

 Chapter 22 – Break-down

    Tuesday, January 10<sup>th</sup>, 2017


    Everything went to hell.


    I can¡¯t put it in other words.


    I came home after spending hours in the hospital to make sure Calo was going to be okay, but as soon as I came home realisation hit me that he might survive his second suicide attempt, but it doesn¡¯t mean that he¡¯ll be fine.


    And I overheard his parents talking about sending him back to North Haven in order to offer him a safer environment.


    An environment that doesn¡¯t include any bullies, any triggers from the outside world to push him over the edge again.


    And environment that doesn¡¯t include me either.


    Not that they mentioned it, but that¡¯s what it would mean if Calo were to go back to North Haven.


    I would lose my one true friend.


    The one person that accepted me the way I am from the beginning.


    Except the part of me that obviously developed romantic feelings for him. He doesn¡¯t accept that part in me, and not in himself.


    I jammed again and this time, there was no possibility to sit me down with my psychiatrist, since Dr. Delgado has different things on his mind than a malfunctioning kid that he only treats because it¡¯s his job.


    This time, my parents didn¡¯t succeed in getting me out of my room, out of the house and to someone in an attempt to calm me down.


    I think I hit my father when he tried to cover my eyes to get me to leave my room while it was still a mess. While the lights were still on and while I never got the chance to take a shower.


    I hit him in the struggle to get out of his hold and I locked myself in the bathroom without the intention to leave it any time soon.


    I stood under the shower for probably hours in a row, scrubbing, crying, scrubbing again and crying some more, until my skin burned, and some parts even started bleeding a bit.


    I don¡¯t want to lose Calo, but I¡¯m the one who caused him to try and commit suicide.


    I pushed him over the edge.


    I¡¯m a lousy friend.


    I¡¯m not just dysfunctional as a person on my own, I fail at being a friend too.


    I am still Faulty Favre and I simply don¡¯t know how to change.


    I tried everything and even friends, even falling in love did not help me feel strong or happy enough to fight my compulsions. I¡¯m weak, I¡¯m faulty, I should be locked away so I won¡¯t be able to hurt anybody ever again.


    To make matters worse, when I woke up today, Pyper was audibly coughing up fluids and mom and dad instantly made an appointment in the hospital.


    I found out she was fighting another pneumonia and obviously her antibiotics didn¡¯t help.


    She went to hospital with mom and dad stayed home to keep an eye on me.


    I allowed him to clean some of the abrasions that my intense shower session caused before covering them up.


    During the night, I¡¯ve been scratching my arms heavily and I simply look like a mess.


    But it¡¯s my own fault and I think the discomfort and the pain are my deserved punishment for letting Calo down.


    Instead of focussing on the fact he does not accept my feelings for him, I should¡¯ve focused on the fact he does not accept his own sexuality.


    I should¡¯ve been a friend.


    I texted Seino to ask him about Calo and to find out when I would be allowed to visit Calo.


    His answer comes in while I¡¯m on the couch, curled up to a ball, watching a movie that I¡¯m not really following anyway.


    Seino:he doesn¡¯t want any visitors


    Seino:he only accepted seeing Harper and me


    Seino:I¡¯ll let you know when he is willing to see you


    And it throws me off even worse since I was secretly hoping Calo would want to see me. I kind of even hoped he would onlywant to see me.


    Didn¡¯t I calm him down before? Wasn¡¯t I the one who got him to join us to the swimming pool?


    The day all things started to go to hell.


    I should¡¯ve never kissed him.


    I completely misinterpreted the meaning behind his kiss when he wanted to let me in on his ¡®biggest secret¡¯.


    I¡¯m probably just not made for a friend, let alone a boyfriend, or girlfriend.


    * * * * *


    ¡°How is he doing?¡± Mom asks my dad with a worried tone-of-voice. ¡°Did you talk to him? Did he tell you anything?¡±


    ¡°Not a word comes out, Caro.¡± Even dad sounds defeated and I hate it that I cause them all this pain simply because I can¡¯t stop myself from executing the compulsions that control my mind. ¡°I tried, but he just turns around and ignores me. I¡¯m getting worried.¡±


    ¡°Is he asleep?¡±This story has been taken without authorization. Report any sightings.


    ¡°Honestly, I don¡¯t know.¡±


    I open my eyes, to show them that I¡¯m hearing every word they¡¯re saying and they both stare at me with worried looks in their eyes.


    ¡°Neo, honey. Would you like for me to take you to the park? Calm down a bit?¡±


    ¡°Where¡¯s Pyper?¡±


    ¡°She¡¯s staying the night in hospital just to be sure.¡± Mom sighs while she sits down next to my head, her hand instantly caressing my head. ¡°Let¡¯s get an ice cream and feed the ducks, talk and relax.¡± She suggests with a soft voice, while dad sat down in the chair that I can see, leaning forwards to look at me.


    ¡°If you and your mother go to the park, I¡¯ll go get some groceries and make you your favourite dinner,¡± dad suggests, and for a second I feel bad about ignoring their offers to help cheer me up. But then I remember that I¡¯m a failure anyway so it shouldn¡¯t be a surprise to them that I disappoint them.


    I tend to do that more often.


    ¡°I¡¯m not hungry.¡± I ignore mom¡¯s suggestion, and turn down dad¡¯s offer.


    ¡°You need to eat something, sweety.¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t need to do anything.¡± I snap, pushing myself up and away from her hand to soothingly caress my head. ¡°Why don¡¯t you two just let me be!? I¡¯m not even worth the trouble. Go visit Pyper, make sure your one functioning kid gets all the love she needs¡­¡±


    ¡°Stop it.¡± Dad calls out louder then I am shouting. ¡°We love you and Pyper equally and to us, you are worth everything.¡±


    ¡°Neo, honey, we love you so much. To us, you¡¯re perfect the way you are. We just want you to be happy -,¡±


    ¡°But I¡¯m not happy!¡± I call out in anger. ¡°I hate my life, I hate having OCD, I hate everything! -,¡±


    ¡°,- Neo¡­¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m a failure and I can¡¯t even keep a friend! I can¡¯t even leave a room or enter one without acting like a freak-,¡±


    ¡°-Neo!¡±


    ¡°And it¡¯s just what I am! A faulty freak and I hate it! And I hate you guys for trying to make me believe it¡¯s not a problem because it is a problem and it ruins everybody¡¯s lives and now Calo doesn¡¯t even want to see me¡­¡± The rest of my words are lost in the sobs that escaped and the moment of weakness is used by both of them to hug me tightly.


    As much as I fight for them to let go, the screaming in anger, the tears, they refuse to let go until I¡¯m a weak sobbing mess and I have no energy left to fight them anymore.


    ¡°I¡¯m done. I can¡¯t¡­ I don¡¯t know how to go on.¡± I admit in a hoarse, weak whisper.


    ¡°Don¡¯t say that, Neo.¡± Mom whispers with a hand cupping my cheek to force me to look at her. ¡°Never say anything like that ever again. Don¡¯t you for a second believe you¡¯re a freak, or faulty. You¡¯re not a problem and we love you no matter what.¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t want to anymore.¡± I repeat even weaker. ¡°I want out.¡±


    ¡°We won¡¯t let you give up. We¡¯re just going to have to help you more. But in order for us to be able to help you, you need to tell us what you need.¡±


    ¡°I need Dr. Delgado,¡± I whine, new tears starting to pour out as it reminds me about Calo, his suicide attempt and the fact he doesn¡¯t want to see me. ¡°I want to see Calo.¡±


    ¡°Then we¡¯re going to make sure we get you with Dr. Delgado as soon as possible and we¡¯ll keep contact with them to see when you can visit Calo.¡± Dad pats my back carefully.


    ¡°And you¡¯re going to stay home for the week, because you need time to process this, and get yourself some much-needed rest.¡±


    Monday, January 16<sup>th</sup>, 2017


    Calo¡¯s absence has been talk around school, but since I wasn¡¯t there either so was my absence.


    And the fact we had been fighting right before disappearing.


    And nobody seems to know what happened last week.


    And then there¡¯s the fact that I feel like a zombie because Dr. Delgado raised my dose of medication after a conversation over the phone with my parents and even a shorter conversation with me.


    And I feel numb because I forced myself to distance myself from the whole situation right after I overheard my parents talk when I was in bed.


    They are doubtful if they should temporarily commit me to a psychiatric hospital for my own safety after I repeatedly told them I didn¡¯t want to go on anymore.


    I can¡¯t be locked away right now because then it would definitely be impossible for me to see Calo.


    Off course, Jimmy and Luke notice my deteriorating state and they jumped at the opportunity to taunt me even more as if they were lions jumping a prey after starving for days.


    I need Calo by my side now more then ever and then again, I know it¡¯s my own fault he isn¡¯t here with me right now and this is probably just a result of ignoring my compulsions due to lack of interest after our fight.


    This is what happens when I don¡¯t listen to the need to execute obsessive compulsions.


    ¡°What¡¯s wrong Neo? We know you¡¯re faking it.¡± Jimmy pushes me as I watch lifelessly towards the table they put in front of the door, preventing me from jumping over the first part of the floor behind the door. I manage to not step on the wrong spot, stepping diagonally into the classroom, still not hitting the spot.


    ¡°Did he just ignore me?¡± Jimmy asks Luke, as they push aside the table, following me towards my table.


    I look down towards Calo¡¯s empty table for a couple of seconds, again getting a push.


    ¡°Hey, are you deaf?¡± Luke shouts into my ear, making me wince. ¡°Answer me!¡±


    ¡°What?¡± I look at him confused, missing the fact he asked a question in the first place.


    ¡°Where¡¯s your fag friend?¡±


    I swallow hard, staring at him, taken aback by his harsh tone.


    ¡°Off course he had to be a freak too, for wanting to hang out with you. And he is,¡± Jimmy hisses into my ear. ¡°He¡¯s a freak, you¡¯re a freak. You¡¯re a perfect fit for him. Is that why you¡¯re upset? Because he left?¡±


    ¡°Shut up.¡± I snap at them, pushing Jimmy away because I¡¯ve had it with him being in my face. ¡°Just shut the fuck up.¡± I push him again, dropping my bag to the ground. Luke is quick to step in between me and Jimmy, but I simply push him aside, threateningly stepping towards Jimmy again. ¡°Do you have any idea what your twisted mind causes for trouble? What gives you the fucking right to treat people the way you treat me?¡± I ask, using a tone to tell him I demand him, I dare him to answer my questions.


    ¡°Ooh, the freak is freaking out!¡± Jimmy sneers, but again stepping backwards and away as I step closer.


    And then my fist already collided with his face and I don¡¯t know who of all the 25 students in the room is most shocked.


    Jimmy whimpers, covering his nose, that started bleeding instantly.


    ¡°Call me a freak one more time¡­¡±


    ¡°Get your fucking hands off him! Faulty Favre!¡± Luke calls out in anger, pushing me away from Jimmy, who is still seemingly a bit shocked, in pain, and maybe a bit dizzy ¨C as he decided to sit down against the wall, holding his head with his free hand, while keeping his nose pinched shut.


    I slap Luke¡¯s hands away as he tries to grab my collar and when it doesn¡¯t work, I knee him between his legs.


    ¡®God fucking damn it!¡± He cries out while covering his crotch.


    There¡¯s a raging anger growing inside me and I think it has been growing for weeks now. It¡¯s as if there¡¯s no boundaries in my mind and I just lost it. And every bit of pain, anger, sadness, comes out in the form of hitting Luke; over and over and over again.


    At least, until Jimmy and Hector manage to pull me away from Luke, who is crying out in pain, his face a mess, bruises probably all over his upper body.


    And as I look towards him, trying to catch my breath, I feel no remorse. He deserved it. He had it coming.


    And I don¡¯t care about the consequences at all.


    So when Mrs. Tilly hurries inside, shocked to find Hector and Jimmy still holding me back from further attacking Luke, I¡¯m not surprised at all when she sends me to the principal right away.


    I pull out of the arms that hold me back, snatch my backpack off the ground and purposefully step on Luke¡¯s hand as I leave the classroom with my head held high.


    Now all I have to do is convince Mr. Jameson to not expel me.


    I bet he¡¯s eager to get rid of me, so this will be a challenge. But I just know they¡¯re going to call my parents and I bet they will not just accept the expelling me, while they¡¯ve done nothing to stop the bullying for years.


    They¡¯ve done nothing to help me. They simply avoided the problems by excluding me from P.E. instead of finding a way for me to be able to join in without worrying over lines. They could¡¯ve allowed me to shower in the disabled bathroom in the same external building that has a flat floor instead of tiles.


    They could¡¯ve picked museums that I can visit for any of the numerous excursions classes go to during the years.


    They¡¯ve done nothing. They never heavily punished Jimmy and Luke, not for name-calling, not for taunting, not for hitting me multiple times.


    So, if this will mean they are going to suspend or even expel me, I will file official complaints, I will sue their asses and I will win.


    I will take file a report against Jimmy and Luke and I will make this stop.


    I will end this torture and today is where I draw the line and I know I need to start the change.


    And then I¡¯ll prove to Calo that we can beat the tormentors and we can still be friends.


    And then I won¡¯t have to be alone again.


    I just need Calo with me and then I¡¯ll be fine.

 Chapter 23 – Leaping

    Thursday, January 19<sup>th</sup>, 2017


    I watch as Dr. Delgado rummages through a cabinet to find my files. He seems unfocused and I totally understand why. It¡¯s a miracle in itself he agreed to see me today. It¡¯s only been a week and a half since Calo attempted suicide and as far as Seino keeps me up to date, he is now in a mental facility where he is monitored 24/7.


    And he¡¯s not doing great at all. He¡¯s no longer having an episode, but he¡¯s not the regular cheerful person he is in between his episodes.


    ¡°Can¡¯t we just sit without the file?¡± I suggest, as he obviously isn¡¯t capable of locating it right now.


    He turns around to look at me, as if he¡¯s in deep thought.


    ¡°I just want to talk¡­ not make steps. I¡¯m not in the right mindset to find ways to get rid of the compulsions.¡±


    ¡°Okay, just talk.¡± He nods and sits down with an empty piece of paper and a notebook. ¡°What is it you want to talk about?¡±


    ¡°I¡­¡± I take in a deep breath, now nervous all of the sudden. ¡°Calo.¡±


    Dr. Delgado visibly swallows, visibly already getting a bit emotional. ¡°I don¡¯t think I¡¯m the right person to talk¡­¡±


    ¡°You are.¡± I cut his objection short. ¡°You know him, and you know me. But there¡¯s something I think you don¡¯t know and that¡¯s exactly what¡¯s bothering me.¡±


    He seems doubtful, even biting his lip nervously. He¡¯s a mess, I can tell. There¡¯s a reason I had to see him at his own house instead of his regular office; he¡¯s not working at the moment. ¡°Your parents told me things are getting worse with you. That¡¯s why I agreed to see you right now. But you have to understand that I can¡¯t discuss my own son with you.¡±


    ¡°Then discuss my best friend with me.¡± I close my eyes shortly, simply because I don¡¯t have the courage to look at him as I prepare myself to tell him what¡¯s going on. ¡°Tell me how to deal with the feelings I have for my best friend. Because I can¡¯t¡­  I don¡¯t know¡­ I¡¯ve never fell in love before. And he¡¯s a guy¡­¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re in love with Calo,¡± he repeats my words, obviously surprised by my revelations. But he didn¡¯t sound disgusted or as if it¡¯s wrong. ¡°Is that what is bothering you? The fact you think you¡¯re homosexual?¡±


    I nod and open my eyes to look at him. ¡°I don¡¯t care about him being a guy. I don¡¯t care about being gay or whatever. It¡¯s that I have these feelings and I feel all giddy and happy when I¡¯m with him. But they¡¯re unanswered and now he doesn¡¯t even want to see me anymore and I don¡¯t know what to do anymore. I feel empty, I feel defeated, depressed. I don¡¯t want to do anything because if he¡¯s not my friend, then I¡¯m back to being alone and I can¡¯t be alone anymore.¡±


    ¡°Did Calo tell you he doesn¡¯t like you? Or is it the fact Calo doesn¡¯t accept his own sexuality?¡±


    And that statement surprises me, causing my jaw to drop slightly.


    ¡°I know my son is struggling because he¡¯s gay and he thinks it¡¯s wrong. He is my son. Parents know such things.¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t think my parents know about me.¡±


    ¡°If they saw you and Calo together, I think they know.¡±


    ¡°Why is that?¡±


    ¡°Because that¡¯s how I knew for sure about Calo. Which is why I wonder if he told you your feelings aren¡¯t mutual.¡±


    ¡°He told me it¡¯s wrong and I should fight them.¡±


    ¡°I can¡¯t help but wonder if it¡¯s the reason you two ended up fighting during Christmas break.¡±


    ¡°It is, yes. I told him if he couldn¡¯t accept that part in me, I didn¡¯t want to be friends anymore. But that pushed him over the edge, huh? I let him down and he needed me, but I acted cold¡­¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t blame yourself for his¡­ situation. It¡¯s not your fault. Calo has always struggled with his mental health, even before you guys met. Even when everything is fine, Calo isn¡¯t always fine himself. You know that. So don¡¯t blame this on you.¡±


    ¡°But now he doesn¡¯t want to see me, and I so badly want to see him and tell him sorry for fighting and not supporting him and¡­¡± Tears ruin things and I really didn¡¯t want to cry anymore, since I¡¯ve been crying for days already and my head still hurts because of the many crying.


    ¡°Then visit him.¡±


    ¡°He won¡¯t see me.¡±


    ¡°I think if you show up, he¡¯ll agree to see you. He probably refuses to see you because he thinks you don¡¯t want to see him and this way he¡¯ll feel in control about yes or no seeing you again.¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know¡­¡±


    ¡°Why don¡¯t you ride with Seino and Harper? They¡¯re leaving in half an hour to visit him.¡± He suggests, looking at the clock shortly. ¡°Show him you¡¯re still his friend.¡±


    ¡°Maybe¡­¡± I shrug, not entirely sure if I can handle him rejecting my visit right now. ¡°Can I ask you something different? More¡­ personal?¡±


    Again, there¡¯s a bit of doubt, before he nods.


    ¡°Why don¡¯t you try to help Calo? You¡¯re the best around here. Even Calo says it and he never says anything positive about you. He wants you to help him.¡±


    He instantly takes in a tired breath. ¡°I¡¯m too emotionally involved in Calo, and I don¡¯t think it¡¯ll help either of us. So far, he refuses to tell me much about himself and he walks away whenever I ask him how he¡¯s feeling.¡±


    ¡°Then maybe you should take your own advice and show Calo that you¡¯re still there for him. Show him that you won¡¯t reject him and give him the choice. He probably refuses to talk to you for the same reason he refuses to see me if you¡¯re right about that.¡±


    Dr. Delgado shows a small amused smile, before he chuckles shortly. ¡°You¡¯re a smart kid, Neo.¡±


    ¡°Thanks.¡±


    ¡°Go and visit Calo. And I¡¯ll promise I will do everything in my power to help him, once he¡¯s home again.¡±


    * * * * *The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.


    Seino and Harper left me in the waiting room, while they went to see if Calo would be willing to see me. Seino also promised, if Calo would accept seeing me, that they would offer us some privacy ¨C as I told Seino I wanted to talk to Calo about my feelings too.


    He instantly understood Harper couldn¡¯t be there since she doesn¡¯t know about his sexuality and he might refuse to talk with her present in the room.


    And now I¡¯ve been in here for about twenty minutes, nervous ¨C nauseas even ¨C while I¡¯m unsure if I came all the way over here for nothing.


    But I just want to see Calo again. I want to be close to him, I need to.


    And I¡¯m currently watching the arms of the clock slowly move as each second passes. I long realised I haven¡¯t been in the same building as Calo for days in a row and I haven¡¯t seen his smile in nearly a month.


    I look up as Seino and Harper walk into the waiting room, Harper with a careful smile, Seino smirking.


    ¡°We got him to agree to listen to you,¡± he tells me, gesturing towards the hallway. ¡°I¡¯ll bring you to him. But don¡¯t expect a happy reunion.¡±


    I nod, get up, and follow him down the hall and to a door. He simply knocks and smiles to me.


    ¡°Harper and I will wait for you in the waiting room.¡±


    ¡°Thanks for helping me.¡±


    ¡°No problem. Just stay calm and do your thing.¡±


    I nod again, and enter the room.


    I find Calo seated in a chair, staring out of the window. He¡¯s wearing a grey sweatpants and hoodie with the hood pulled over his head.


    There¡¯s two beds in the room, but one seems unused, while the other is obviously Calo¡¯s bed right now.


    ¡°Hey¡­¡± My greeting did not come out as strong as I wanted it. It actually came out with a nervous and squeaky tone.


    He doesn¡¯t really turn around but en profile I can tell his eyes turned towards me shortly.


    ¡°Cay¡­¡± I sigh, slumping down in the free chair next to him. ¡°I¡¯m so sorry for acting like a bitch.¡±


    ¡°You had the right,¡± he answers with a hoarse voice, as if crying or screaming damaged his vocal cords.


    ¡°But I should¡¯ve been there¡­ If I wouldn¡¯t be angry, I could¡¯ve supported you.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t blame my attempt on your behaviour.¡± He tells me angrily, though his voice is still weak. ¡°That¡¯s all on me and my sick¡­ mind.¡± The last word is a mere whisper, hardly loud enough to hear.


    ¡°Cay, I¡¯m here because I need to tell you the truth.¡±


    Now he turns to look at me and I notice scratches on the left side of his face. And when he lifts his glass to take a sip, I notice there¡¯s bandage on his left wrist too as his sleeve slides down a bit.


    ¡°I tried¡­ I couldn¡¯t¡­¡± He stammers as he noticed me staring at it, covering it up with his sleeve again. ¡°I thought I ruined our friendship¡­¡± He cries out, as his eyes water and he looks at me with a desperate look in them.


    ¡°You didn¡¯t.¡± I scoot my chair closer, pulling him in my arms to comfort him. ¡°You never¡­ I just, I focused on the fact you didn¡¯t accept me. I should¡¯ve focused on the fact you don¡¯t even accept yourself. And I don¡¯t understand why.¡±


    ¡°Because all my life I¡¯ve heard, over and over again, how it¡¯s bad, how it¡¯s a sin¡­ and then I started getting feelings for a guy and I felt disgusted because all I wanted was to kiss him instead of my girlfriend.¡±


    ¡°And you did, and you can¡¯t tell me it didn¡¯t feel great. Because when I kissed you, it was the best feeling ever.¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t want to be gay, Nee.¡± He whispers, still fighting the tears that are threatening to roll down. ¡°I don¡¯t want to be defined by my sexuality. I don¡¯t want to be bullied for it again. I don¡¯t want people to think I¡¯m not a real guy because I happen to like guys.¡±


    And I thought about that too and no, it doesn¡¯t sound easy to be gay in a world where so many people think it¡¯s wrong. ¡°But when I¡¯m with you, I don¡¯t care what others say. When I¡¯m with you, all I care about is the fact I am happy with you and I just wish you would feel the same.¡±


    ¡°I do¡­¡± He groans, rolling his eyes, wiping away an escaped tear while he pulls away from me, getting up from his seat and laying down on his bed with his back turned to me. ¡°But I don¡¯t want to. I want to go back in time, where I didn¡¯t know about these feelings and forget I ever had them.¡±


    ¡°We could do this together, Cay.¡± I stand up too, walking around the bed to look at him again. ¡°I just know I don¡¯t want to lose what we have. Because I can¡¯t go back to what I had before I met you. I had nothing, and then I felt like I had everything simply because I had you as a friend. And I like you, a lot. I fell for you and I know you feel the same. And if any of those shitheads is going to bully us for it, I¡¯ll just beat them up again.¡±


    ¡°Again?¡± Calo frowns, pushing himself up a bit to look at me.


    ¡°I¡¯m suspended for beating up Luke. Broke his nose and jaw.¡±


    ¡°Why did you do that? What if they¡¯ll take revenge? I¡¯m not there, I can¡¯t protect you¡­¡±


    ¡°They said awful things about you and I just¡­ I couldn¡¯t let them insult you. So, I gave them a clear warning not to mess with my best friend.¡±


    ¡°You did that because of me?¡±


    ¡°Off course I did.¡± I chuckle, sitting down on the bed as soon as he scooted aside a bit to offer me some space. ¡°I¡¯d do anything to see you smile, to make you happy¡­ the way you make me happy.¡±


    ¡°See, you¡¯re stronger then I am.¡± Calo grumbles and I chuckle as I lean against him. He puts an arm around me while sighing deeply. ¡°I really like you too, Neo. But I¡¯m too afraid for reactions. What if mom and dad think it¡¯s wrong¡­¡±


    ¡°They already know. You dad said he knew for a while already but seeing us together made him sure it was true. He doesn¡¯t hate you for it. He just wants you to accept yourself and be happy.¡±


    ¡°How can you act like it¡¯s nothing!?¡± He grabs both of my shoulders to shake me a bit. ¡°How do you do it?¡±


    ¡°What? Allow myself to be happy?¡± I roll my eyes and send him an unimpressed look. ¡°I hate every part about me. I just don¡¯t hate the part about me that fell for the greatest, cutest, sweetest guy I¡¯ve ever met because it shows that there¡¯s at least some sanity left in me.¡±


    Now he rolls his eyes and right before he¡¯s able to speak up again, I lean forwards to kiss him on the lips. It¡¯s a quick kiss, and I do not pull back far, just enough to speak again. ¡°Don¡¯t tell me you don¡¯t like it, and don¡¯t tell me you don¡¯t want more.¡±


    He stares me in the eye in silence for a while, his hands still on my shoulders and mine still on his chest.


    ¡°I dare you to deny it.¡± I whisper with a smirk, and then I let him pull me in for another kiss.


    It¡¯s hesitantly from his side, but as I don¡¯t pull back, he turns his head, deepening the kiss.


    I¡¯m on cloud nine, with his arms around me, his fingers in my hair, his lips on mine and our tongues battling for space, and maybe a bit for control.


    What can I say? I¡¯m a control freak.


    My head feels fuzzy, my stomach is about to explode with all these giddy feelings and my skin is tingling.


    And I want to stay here forever. Just like this, with Calo holding me, protecting me from all the bad in the world.


    And the only time we break the kiss, is to stare at each other, catching our breaths. But for a while, it¡¯s all we do; kiss and stare.


    ¡°I hate you,¡± he breaths out with a tone that tells me he doesn¡¯t really hate me.


    ¡°Because I made you feel this way?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, and for accepting it so easily while I¡¯ve been struggling for the past three years.¡±


    ¡°Maybe I¡¯m just worth accepting it?¡± I smirk, snuggling closer to him because I simply don¡¯t want to leave him. I want to feel his warmth, his body against mine. ¡°Maybe you just needed someone to tell you that you were just being stupid.¡±


    ¡°I wasn¡¯t being stupid, I¡¯m still not. There¡¯s tons of people who will condemn us for it. Doesn¡¯t that bother you?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ve been judged upon, condemned, called crazy or a freak, for years. I think I don¡¯t really find it in me to care what they think about me being gay. I care about the fact I¡¯m happier then any other moment when I¡¯m with you.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s sweet, but¡­¡±


    ¡°No but¡¯s. All my life, I¡¯ve been executing tons of compulsions and 90% of them is because I try to keep others safe, please them, give them a good life. For once, I want to do something that feels good for me. That makes me happy and that makes mefeel safe.¡±


    ¡°Fair enough. I just don¡¯t get why it¡¯s me you like.¡±


    ¡°Because you¡¯re you. You can be funny, you can be grumpy ¨C which can be annoying but sometimes it¡¯s cute ¨C and you¡¯re never afraid to show how you feel. Maybe you¡¯re not always happy with who you are, but I promise you I¡¯ll love you just that little bit extra to fill up that lack of love in yourself.¡±


    ¡°Where is this going, Neo?¡± Calo cups my face with one hand.


    ¡°I¡­ eh¡­¡± I take in the deepest breath I ever took. ¡°DoyouwannabemyboyfriendIpromisetomakehappy.¡±


    He stares at me in confusion for a while, and then I realise I never took a breath or a break in between words and he must have not caught more then half of the words.


    ¡°Cay, do you want to be my boyfriend?¡± God, I can¡¯t believe I¡¯m the one actually asking this. I never pictured myself asking anyone out, let alone to be with me in a relationship.


    He bites his lip, leaving me hanging for way too long. But then he smiles and nods. ¡°Yes, mister Favre. I¡¯ll be your boyfriend. But you have got to give me time to come out proudly and accept all of this. I¡¯m not denying my feelings, I¡¯m just not quite yet there being happy with it.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ll wait, as long as we get to be together in private and you¡¯ll talk to me when something is bothering you.¡±


    ¡°I promise, I will try to be as open as possible.¡±


    And that¡¯s all I need. Him, and a shot to grow together.


    Be together.


    Be happy.

 Chapter 24 – Confronting

    Friday, January 20<sup>th</sup>, 2017


    As restless as I am today, I haven¡¯t been since the day Calo decided to try and kill himself. And it¡¯s not because something bad happened, it¡¯s because I never kept any secrets from my parents.


    I never had secrets to keep from them, besides the dark thoughts and the longing to end my life, which I never actually tried.


    Thanks to Calo¡¯s perfect timing to show up in my life.


    But even those thoughts weren¡¯t a surprise or even a secret to my parents. It¡¯s as if they knew, just waited for me to break every so often to spill them out.


    But now we¡¯re seated at the dinner table at my grandparents¡¯ house and I desperately want to spill out the fact I, Neo Favre, Faulty Freak, have a boyfriend.


    But they don¡¯t even know that I¡¯m gay. At least, not that I¡¯ve told them. If I have to believe Dr. Delgado, they must know. Mom must know. She saw me and Calo together on multiple occasions.


    But she could easily explain my giddiness and happiness ever since I met him, due to the fact I met him and made a friend.


    I haven¡¯t had friends since pre-school, so it is a huge deal anyway.


    But how do I spill out the fact I now have a boyfriend? That I¡¯m gay, and in love with Calo?


    Pyper is sending me worried looks ever since I came home after visiting Calo yesterday. Not because I was unhappy, I was on cloud nine. But during the ride home, I started overthinking all of it, and the fact I now have to go and come out to the world. Maybe not specifically right now, but some day.


    I tried calling my cousin Milan, since he already knows I have feelings for Calo and he is into a guy himself too, but his phone keeps going straight to voicemail and a quick text from him told me he is out on the slopes, practising skiing because he¡¯s competing in a big tournament in two months.


    He reminds me how he expects me to come over in about three of four weeks to take pictures ¨C and inevitably learn how to ski too.


    Since he did just send me a text not too long ago, the phone call that comes in right after dinner, is a call I did not expect, at all.


    Since I¡¯m closest to the phone, I get up to answer the call, making sure not to touch the phone with my ear, cheek or mouth.


    ¡°Hi?¡±


    ¡°Who¡¯s this?¡± Uncle Ricardo sounds upset, surprised, weird. As the confident guy he usually is, he¡¯s lacking any calm tone-of-voice.


    ¡°It¡¯s Neo¡­ I was closest¡­ do you want me to hand to phone to Nana?¡±


    ¡°Yes, eh, no, give it to your grandfather.¡± He hastily tells me, and I do so. ¡°Actually, Neo? Can I talk to your father?¡±


    ¡°Eh, yes, sure.¡± I agree, walking over to my dad, while everybody is frowning since I first moved towards grandma, then towards grandpa and now towards dad. As if indecisive. ¡°Uncle Ricardo wants to talk to you.¡±


    Dad¡¯s frown increases and my mom clicks her tongue disapprovingly, while Pyper sends me a questioning look.


    I shrug in response, but as I sit next to dad, I pick up some words that uncle Ricardo is saying, and they shock and confuse me.


    So far, I caught ¡®accident¡¯, ¡®not good¡¯ and ¡®ER¡¯. I don¡¯t know who he¡¯s talking about, but I do think he¡¯s upset and maybe even crying.


    ¡°Rico, calm down and listen. We¡¯re getting in the car and we¡¯re coming over right now. Just focus on Chantel and especially Milan right now and once we¡¯re there, we¡¯ll call the rest.¡±


    ¡°We¡¯re going there?¡± Mom pulls up her eyebrows, confused and dazed a bit. ¡°What¡¯s going on?¡±


    Dad holds up his hand to silence her. ¡°I¡¯ll tell them, and we¡¯ll see what we can do for you once we¡¯re there. We¡¯ll be there in about three hours.¡± He hangs up the phone and by now it¡¯s silent at the table, everybody staring at him. ¡°Milan has been in an accident and right now, things do not look good. Ricardo and Chantel need our support and help and that¡¯s why we¡¯re going over there.¡±


    ¡°What sort of accident?¡± Grandpa asks, sounding a bit emotional.


    ¡°What¡¯s wrong with him?¡± Pyper squeaks, looking at me because she knows this might upset me since Milan and I have always been close until our parents got in a fight. I stare at my phone after opening the text he sent me not even three hours ago.


    ¡°They¡¯re still doing tests but as far as they know, he broke multiple vertebrae and he might suffer from brain damage.¡± Dad now even sounds like he¡¯s on the verge of crying and that causes me to have watery eyes and goose bumps.


    ¡°What happened?¡± Nana demands an answer.


    ¡°He had an accident during skiing. He landed wrong in the halfpipe. It¡¯s all I know right now.¡± Dad gets up from his seat and walks towards nana. ¡°I¡¯ll call as soon as we know more.¡±


    She nods and swallows, looking back and forth between Pyper and me. ¡°I¡¯ll go fix some places for you two to sleep here¡­¡±


    ¡°What?¡± I stare at her in horror. Not to insult her or grandpa, but I do not feel comfortable to sleep anywhere else then at home. And if I were to sleep anywhere else, I want my mom nearby in the least. Not three hours away.


    Mom looks at me long, while obviously overthinking the situation, knowing what can happen if I were to sleep here, far away from her and her ability to calm me down.


    ¡°Mom! Only you or Cay¡­ I need someone¡­ I can¡¯t sleep anywhere else¡­¡±


    ¡°What if we go to their house so Neo gets to sleep in his own bed?¡± Grandpa suggests.


    ¡°If he panics¡­¡± Pyper looks at mom. ¡°You know you can¡¯t leave him.¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t think aunt Chantel and uncle Ricardo are waiting for more visitors right now,¡± dad answers tiredly.Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.


    ¡°I don¡¯t care.¡± Mom puts her arm around me, pulling me to her side. ¡°Neo¡¯s coming with us, because I simply can¡¯t leave him alone right now. Not after all that has happened in the past weeks.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ll just sleep here if you promise to let me know how Milan is doing.¡± Pyper squeezes my hand shortly. ¡°And give him a big hug and a kiss if it¡¯s possible to do so.¡±


    ¡°I will.¡± I nod, smiling a bit because I¡¯m relieved mom is willing to take me with them. I simply can¡¯t stay her while she and Calo both aren¡¯t capable of calming me down if needed.


    I might have grown a lot in the past weeks, I¡¯m not that strong yet.


    And the thought alone of mom being too far away and Calo admitted in the psychiatric ward could give me a panic attack.


    * * * * *


    I don¡¯t think aunt Chantel or uncle Ricardo overthought my presence much after we arrived in the hospital. It¡¯s nearly a little past eleven in the evening and it¡¯s quiet, even in the ER.


    Milan is in a bed, connected to all sorts of machines, in deep sleep. He¡¯s wearing a brace around his neck while his body is still immobilised. Right now, they¡¯re going over a bunch of scans that should tell us if there¡¯s any damage to his head.


    But for as far as I know, from what I heard uncle Ricardo tell my dad, he hasn¡¯t been awake much and that¡¯s not a good sign at all.


    But he¡¯s breathing on his own and his heartrate seems fine to me. I mean, I¡¯ve seen Pyper in hospital whenever she has a bad period and her heartrate has been weaker a lot, while nobody was worried about it. Milan¡¯s isn¡¯t too high either.


    I¡¯ve been seated on a stool in the corner of a small cubical that is separated from the next by curtains, staring at Milan in the bed.


    His mom hasn¡¯t left his side; besides the few times they took Milan for a new scan or they called her and uncle Ricardo in for a conversation about his situation.


    I know, by now, Milan threatened to collide with another skier ¨C who was in the wrong ¨C and tried to avoid a collision, causing him to hit the edge of the halfpipe. They collided anyway, and the other skier was in hospital because he broke his wrist.


    Milan¡¯s best friend left not too long ago, not wanting to hang around while we were there too because he felt like it was too busy.


    And in the mean time, dad called my other cousins and told them what happened, while mom keeps getting drinks for uncle Ricardo and aunt Chantel. She told them she would make get some food, but neither of them is hungry right now.


    ¡°Chantel,¡± mom whispers, caressing her back to try and calm her down. ¡°Let¡¯s go out for a short walk, okay? There¡¯s nothing you can do right now.¡±


    ¡°I can not leave my son alone right now!¡± She cries out. ¡°My baby¡­¡±


    ¡°Honey, I think some fresh air isn¡¯t a bad idea.¡± Uncle Ricardo tells her tiredly. ¡°You¡¯ve sat by his side for the past couple of hours. We have another half an hour in the least before they¡¯ll tell us more. Go out, go take a walk, vent.¡±


    ¡°Scream to me if you want, but please, think about your own health too. Milan needs you to be on top of your parental skills as soon as he wakes up.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t you dare to insinuate that I¡¯m a bad mother¡­¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not.¡± Mom shakes her head. ¡°I know you¡¯re a great mom, and Milan needs you to be that mom. A walk will help you calm down.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ll call as soon as there¡¯s news, or when he wakes up.¡± I tell her timidly. ¡°I¡¯ll stay with him.¡±


    She looks at me with red eyes, a tired face and a messy bundle of hair on the back of her head. ¡°Okay,¡± she whispers. ¡°But just a couple of minutes.¡±


    Mom smiles happily with the outcome, supporting her a bit while they get up from their seats.


    ¡°We¡¯ll go out for a cigarette.¡± Dad pecks a kiss on top of my head. ¡°If anything is happening, we¡¯re right outside.¡±


    I nod, moving to sit in the chair aunt Chantel was seated at. I wait until they all disappear from sight, before turning to look at Milan.


    ¡°Hey, Mimi¡­¡± I mutter, not knowing for sure if it¡¯s helpful at all to talk to him. ¡°You¡¯re scaring us, you know?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s good to talk to him.¡± A nurse shows up and smiles at me. ¡°Don¡¯t feel weird for talking to a sleeping person. They hear you and it can help them too.¡±


    I was more planning on talking to Milan because I¡¯ve heard it helps them, but also because I need to tell someone that Calo agreed to be my boyfriend. And I¡¯ve been wanting to tell Milan all day today. So why not get it off my shoulders while helping him in the same time?


    Maybe talking to him about small things will calm him in some sort of way.


    She checks a bunch of things on the machines and some papers, before leaving us again.


    ¡°So, talk to you¡­¡± I drawl, lolling my head a bit. ¡°I wanted to tell you something. So maybe I might as well tell you now that I¡¯m here. I¡¯m not sure if you can hear me right now, or even remember it if you hear it when you wake up. But I need to tell someone, and you and I already talked about this before¡­¡±


    I know I¡¯m blabbering and I curse myself. If I can¡¯t even confess my relationship with Calo to an unconscious person, then how the hell am I ever going to tell a person who¡¯s actually able to respond to it?


    ¡°So, I took a leap and asked Calo to be my boyfriend. He said yes.¡± I whisper, leaning closer.


    I sit back in the chair and sigh in relief, not knowing whyI feel relieved, but feeling it nonetheless.


    ¡°I guess I¡¯ll never get to take pictures of you skiing, huh?¡± I whisper, my voice hoarse as I realise he might not even be able to walk anymore. ¡°Or play soccer with you and watch you beat every single one of us. And I wish we would have still joined during Christmas break. If I knew this was going to happen I might have even pushed aside my fear to join you on a day of skiing sooner.¡±


    I sum up numerous of things that we might not ever be able to do together anymore, all because of some stupid jerk that caused Milan to fall and injure himself badly.


    And I list more as my aunt and uncle and parents are talking to a doctor a few meters away, getting intel on his current situation.


    My parents inform me how they¡¯re cautious by saying anything about his recovery. They¡¯re not sure if he¡¯ll be able to walk, or how bad his head is. So far, there¡¯s no internal bleedings and his helmet might have saved him from worse, but they¡¯re not sure how he¡¯ll be once he¡¯ll wake up. If he¡¯ll remember anything from what happened, or the days, weeks before the accident. Or even anything at all.


    And sitting there, listening to what feels like a verdict, I feel as if my own struggles suddenly became small and insignificant.


    My daily routines might be difficult due to my compulsions and getting to the same point as others might force me to take leaps and detours, at least I am able to get there.


    At least I get to go to school, work on a future, date Calo, do the things I love to do ¨C like photography.


    Watching Milan in hospital, sounds asleep in a very shitty situation makes me realise I need to fight for what I want.


    Because it could all be over in the blink of an eye.


    And suddenly overcoming my compulsions feels more like a challenge and less like a battle, less like another struggle.


    It¡¯s just character building. It¡¯s just me, growing into the person I can be, if I fight hard enough.


    And there¡¯s so many people who would love to switch places with me and fight my battles, as they are ¨C in some cases ¨C not as bad as their situations, their battles.


    I bet, when Milan wakes up, he will be one of those people who would love to switch. Because he just lost everything he ever worked for and I¡¯m still here, able to do what I want, just in my own way.


    And maybe the compulsions don¡¯t define me as a faulty person, but as a person that simply does things a bit different.


    It¡¯s not the compulsions that I want to get rid of so badly, it¡¯s the fear behind them.


    And things will happen, when they happen. I wasn¡¯t able to change Milan¡¯s day, or the fact he had an accident. Nothing I did could have influenced the events in his life, right?


    And I long know my fears behind the compulsions are unrealistic. In the past weeks I¡¯ve more then once haven¡¯t executed some of the compulsions and nothing happened to mom, or dad, or Pyper.


    I¡¯m not implying that Milan¡¯s accident is a good thing, but it is a thing that happens to force me to face facts; I need to fight harder to become better.


    Only then can I support the people I love to the best of my ability, be there for Calo on his bad days, be there to support Milan during his recovery, or helping Pyper when she¡¯s ill.


    I need to step up my game and start growing into the person I want to be; one that isn¡¯t controlled by his compulsions, but is in control of them and does them because they make me feel good, not help others.


    I need to become a bit more selfish, to be able to be less selfish.


    Which sounds like a contradiction, but right there, in front of Milan, I know it¡¯s true.


    ¡°I promise I will grow and get better. And I promise I will help you get better too, Milan. We¡¯ll do this together. Both fighting our own fights, but together we¡¯ll stand strong, okay?¡± I gently squeeze his hand, fighting the urge to reach for my disinfectant lube when I feel a hand on my shoulder.


    ¡°That¡¯s sweet, Neo.¡± Aunt Chantel whispers with a sad smile. But it¡¯s a smile that tells me that despite previous thoughts about my mental illness, she does accept me, as her nephew, as Milan¡¯s cousin, his friend, and as from today part of his support-system.

 Chapter 25 – Healing

    Monday, January 30<sup>th</sup>, 2017


    We stayed with my aunt and uncle for about a week since I was suspended anyway and Pyper was under my grandparents¡¯ care and doing well. She insisted on us helping out our aunt and uncle and support Milan.


    I spoke to Calo over the phone and explained what had happened to Milan and why I wouldn¡¯t be able to visit him as long as I would be there.


    I didn¡¯t really tell him much, other than the fact my cousin got in an accident during skiing and that he was now awaiting a long and hard recovery, still uncertain about his future in general.


    I saw him awake a handful of times, but he isn¡¯t capable of remembering anything that happens while he is awake, let alone what happened in the past couple of weeks. He lost memories of about six months and every time he hears what happened and what¡¯s wrong with him, he breaks down crying, realising he probably won¡¯t be able to pursue any of his dreams.


    It was heart-breaking, and I was exhausted when we came home on Sunday again. Not to even begin about the fact I had trouble to execute my compulsions because all of my cousins came home out of worry and to help out around the house while aunt Chantel and uncle Ricardo focussed on Milan.


    It was crowded and taking a shower right after getting out of bed proved to be impossible with that much people in a house.


    How did they do it before four of my cousins moved out?


    So, I was slow in the mornings, but none of them said anything about my compulsions or the fact I stayed in bed until all of them were long ready.


    Mom picked up outfits for every day of the week that had been picked by Pyper, so I could dress without panicking.


    But all in all, I was exhausted and all I wanted was to sleep for days.


    So, I slept since yesterday noon, until this morning, forced to get out of bed and go to school.


    Dad is bringing grandma and grandpa over to my aunt and uncle because they¡¯re going to stay there for a while, and mom is in charge of Pyper and me and going to school.


    And that¡¯s where I think my exhaustion hits me most.


    Because I simply don¡¯t know how to respond to the first change presented to me; Luke, seated on top of my desk, nervously fiddling with his backpack. Jimmy is nowhere to be found.


    I¡¯m hesitant about walking towards him, but since I overpowered him in a fight, I find myself no long afraid of him, physically.


    ¡°What do you want?¡± I grumble as I reach my desk, gesturing for him to get off.


    ¡°Hey, eh¡­¡± he drawls, lolling his head from left to right, scratching his head right afterwards. ¡°Can we talk?¡±


    ¡°I think we are already.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, okay, right¡­¡± He clears his throat while I frown, wondering if he¡¯s actually afraid of me after I broke his nose ¨C which still hasn¡¯t completely healed by the looks of it ¨C and his jaw, which still shows a bruise. ¡°I wanted to say I¡¯m sorry.¡±


    I think I chocked on my breath, shocked by the words that I thought I heard him pronounce. ¡°Excuse me?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m sorry, for everything.¡± He mutters, ashamed and insecure. ¡°I ehm¡­ What I did was wrong, really wrong. Sick even.¡±


    ¡°Did you grow a brain over night?¡± I frown again, again gesturing for him to get off my desk. ¡°Did I knock some sense into your mind?¡±


    He chuckles, though it sounds forced. ¡°Mom made me read tons of articles about kids that committed suicide because of bullying.¡±


    ¡°And you needed to read that in order to understand what bullying can lead up to?¡± I again point sideways, wanting him to move. ¡°Get off my desk.¡±


    ¡°I really am sorry, Neo,¡± he calls out in frustration. ¡°I know sorry doesn¡¯t just solve things, but I just want you to know I won¡¯t bother you anymore.¡±


    ¡°And your sidekick?¡± I sigh in relief since he stood up from the desk to allow me to sit behind it. ¡°Will you put him on a leash?¡±


    Again, Luke chuckles, less forced this time. ¡°Jimmy won¡¯t bother you. Some things happened in the past two weeks and his parents had it with him bullying people and constantly getting detention for getting in trouble.¡±


    ¡°So?¡±


    ¡°He was sent to a boarding school.¡±


    ¡°Is that why you¡¯re apologizing? Because you are now alone?¡±


    ¡°No!¡± His eyes widen as he seems to realize his timing is really off.


    ¡°Get lost, Luke.¡± I groan. ¡°I¡¯ve had a rough week and I¡¯m not in the mood for jokes.¡±This narrative has been purloined without the author''s approval. Report any appearances on Amazon.


    ¡°It ain¡¯t a joke, Nee¡­¡±


    ¡°Neo.¡±


    ¡°Neo¡­ I promise. I won¡¯t bother you any longer.¡±


    ¡°Would be great if you would keep up that promise as from now.¡± I deadpan, slumping in my seat tiredly.


    ¡°Right.¡± Luke nods and walks towards his own desk while his head hangs low.


    But I don¡¯t feel bad because he does. I felt bad for years and just like he said, a sorry isn¡¯t good enough. But I truly hope he will leave me alone from now on. I just want to get through the last months in highschool and go off to college. Get a fresh start and maybe even some new friends.


    I should apply to a college or university soon too. My mind has been completely taken by other stuff and I completely forgot to do so.


    Maybe I should stop focussing on unimportant things and start focussing on my future a bit more.


    But then again, I know I haven¡¯t focussed on my future so far, because I didn¡¯t really feel like having a future to begin with.


    Until recently, I thought I would always live at home, alone and depressed.


    But thinking about it, I can picture myself living with Calo, having a job and who knows, maybe even kids.


    Would it happen to be that I¡¯d end up with Calo, or a guy in general, kids could definitely be an option as adoption would be the only option to get kids in the first place.


    No chance of passing on my faulty genes.


    No chance of me screwing them up with giving them OCD or an anxiety disorder. Though I could screw them up in my upbringing.


    So, maybe no kids in the future.


    Why am I even thinking about this? I just got a boyfriend only recently, and I know the chances of staying with a high school lover are slim.


    But then again, Calo is the first person I ever fell for, so maybe my heart just waited until the right person came along.


    And said person just brought a smile onto my face by sending a simple text to greet me with a ¡®good morning, handsome¡¯.


    I send a quick message back, also reminding him I¡¯m back home, and in school again, so that he knows I won¡¯t be able to answer his texts during class.


    And it¡¯s all that I need to get through another day in this hell-hole; Calo texting me all day to sort of keep me company.


    * * * * *


    I messed up a test in Maths, though I always used to ace those tests without studying. But missing two weeks of class and focussing on Milan and the rest of the family, completely forgetting about homework isn¡¯t really helpful when presented with an unexpected test.


    But, looking at the bright side, I did not completely panic over the unexpected, which I normally tend to do.


    I just had to write with slight trembling hands and a nervous feeling eating me alive, but I kept my breathing steady and I managed to full in ever blank line with what to me seemed like logical answers.


    But, it did make me a bit grumpy because I want to keep my grades up to enrol into a good college or university.


    Which is my priority right now; apply to get into said universities or colleges.


    I¡¯m waiting for mom to pick me up and for Calo to answer my last text. I know Lorenzo and Seino went to visit him this afternoon so he¡¯s probably a bit occupied with them.


    And since I expect mom to pick me up and them to be in hospital, I¡¯m surprised when Lorenzo¡¯s car stops in front of me.


    My eyes widen as Calo gets out, causing me to jump up from my seat.


    ¡°Cay!¡±


    ¡°Hi, handsome.¡± He smirks as I hurry over to him ¨C completely forgetting about being in public ¨C attacking him in a hug. ¡°Someone is happy to see me.¡±


    ¡°Off course I¡¯m happy to see you!¡± I chuckle for a bit, staring into his beautiful eyes, feeling some butterflies messing with my lunch. ¡° I haven¡¯t seen you for over a week.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, I got a bit impatient and they allowed me to leave the ward for a while. Thought I might a well use my time to visit my boyfriend.¡± His voice is a husky whisper, right before he pulls me closer to connect our lips in a sweet kiss.


    I do wonder if he realizes Lorenzo is on the other side of the car, watching us. I mean, Seino is there too, but he already knows about Calo being gay.


    And as he pulls back, I send Lorenzo a quick look. He is surprised, and that¡¯s a bit of an understatement.


    ¡°Ehm, Cay?¡± I ask him in a whisper, leaning closer. ¡°You do realize Lorenzo is here?¡±


    ¡°I do, and he knows¡­¡± Cay lolls his head from left to right. ¡°I¡¯m not entirely happy about my sexuality yet. But seeing the fact I found myself a pretty cute boyfriend makes it a whole lot easier to accept.¡±


    I smile widely right from the moment he called me cute, blushing a bit because let¡¯s face it, I¡¯m not used to being called cute. Or handsome, or whatever he comes up with.


    ¡°So, how are you doing? Are you allowed to go home?¡±


    ¡°They want to observe me for a little longer. But I have permission to leave the premises if someone is there to watch me.¡± Cay intertwines our hands, pulling me towards the car. ¡°And that includes you and taking you out to get an ice cream.¡±


    ¡°Ice cream?¡± I frown, scooting onto the backseat after him, Seino and Lorenzo getting in too. ¡°It¡¯s January, Cay. It¡¯s not the season for ice cream.¡±


    ¡°Oh, it¡¯s always the right time to eat ice cream. But okay, it¡¯s not exactly that. It¡¯s crepes with caramel flavoured ice-cream, sauce and whipped cream and it¡¯s heavenly. And I¡¯m craving it for a while now, so we¡¯re going to get us that delicious desert.¡±


    ¡°I have to let mom know I¡¯m out with you right now¡­¡± I grab my phone, but Calo puts his hand over it. ¡°Seino already spoke to your mom. She knows she has the night to herself because we¡¯ll drop you off after dinner.¡±


    ¡°Oh, I think she likes that for a change¡­¡± I chuckle. ¡°I can be a handful. And last week was stressful.¡±


    ¡°How is your cousin doing?¡±


    ¡°Milan is doing mwah¡­ He¡¯s in a lot of pain and he¡¯s not able to walk right now. He keeps crying whenever he realises his dreams are crushed and he won¡¯t be able to ski and make it into the Olympics like he wanted to. He might not even be able to ever walk again so¡­ yeah¡­ It was terrible to see him like that.¡±


    ¡°Wait, Milan? Olympics? Skiing?¡± Calo¡¯s eyes widen. ¡°Don¡¯t tell me your cousin is Milan Lohmann?¡±


    ¡°Eh, yeah¡­ he is. Why?¡±


    ¡°Eh, only because I¡¯m his biggest fan ever?¡± Calo sends me a look full of disbelieve. ¡°That sure sucks a lot for him to be in that situation. I loved his video¡¯s¡­¡±


    ¡°Well, I don¡¯t think he¡¯s going to do any more video¡¯s.¡± I sigh. ¡°I keep forgetting my cousin is sort of a B-celebrity with his very own fanbase. And I didn¡¯t know you where into skiing like that. Milan promised to teach me but that¡¯s never going to happen.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ll teach you. Not that I¡¯m nearly as good as he was, but I can teach you the basics.¡±


    ¡°Can we do it on a date?¡± I wiggle my eyebrows. ¡°Go skiing, apr¨¨s skiing, you know?¡±


    ¡°Sounds like a plan. As soon as I¡¯m out of that ward, I¡¯m taking you on a date in the mountains.¡± Calo nods and sighs. ¡°But Neo? Now that we¡¯re going home for the evening, you need to know that I only told Lorenzo and Harper about us. Mom and dad still don¡¯t know and I¡¯d like to keep it that way for now.¡±


    ¡°They know, believe me¡­¡±


    ¡°But I¡¯m not ready to have that conversation and openly admit it. I already feel like their worst son and well¡­¡±


    ¡°They love you, Cay.¡± Seino grumbles. ¡°Even though you don¡¯t really get along, they still love you endlessly.¡±


    ¡°But I¡¯m still not ready, and I think it¡¯s only fair I get to decide where and when to come out to them.¡±


    I lean towards him, pecking a quick kiss on his cheek. ¡°For what it¡¯s worth, I¡¯m really proud you came out to Enzo and Harper,¡± I whisper to him.


    He smiles, turns his head and catches my lips with his.


    And for once, I feel completely comfortable despite the physical contact. I feel completely happy, relaxed and even like a normal person.


    All because of Calo.

 Chapter 26 – Carson Waters

    Tuesday, January 31<sup>st</sup>, 2017


    I bravely decided to take the bike to meet up with Dr. Delgado after school. He¡¯s back at work now that Calo is doing a bit better and I had a new appointment with him right after school. I just had enough time to pick up my bike.


    But, point is, I want to be a little more independent. I want to be able to get from a, to b, by myself.


    I want to be able to decide on going out and go out without mom having to change her entire schedule to drop me off and pick me up again.


    Worst case scenario would mean that I had to call her to come and pick me up anyway.


    But I somehow managed to get there pretty fast, I didn¡¯t freak out and I only slightly felt restless once I arrived. I spoke to Dr. Delgado about the persistent need to execute my compulsions, and how I sometimes feel like giving up. And I hate how I can¡¯t tell him it¡¯s his very own son who keeps me from actually giving up. That being with him, having him as my boyfriend, helps me to get through the toughest of days.


    I told him how Luke apologized to me yesterday, and how my day had been pretty much ¡®normal¡¯ after that. People still laugh at me for my compulsions, but as soon as they noticed Luke left me to my own business without insulting or bullying me, they kind of started ignoring me again.


    And I don¡¯t know what feels worse; being bullied for it, or nobody responding to me in any way. Nobody willing to sit with me during class, a handful of people keeping me company during lunch ¨C but mostly because they¡¯re friends with either Pyper or Angela.


    During class, I now feel as if I don¡¯t exist at all.


    There¡¯s nobody paying me even the slightest attention.


    I spilled all of it out to Dr. Delgado, and we again decided on fighting the compulsions one by one. Starting with going back with dressing myself instead of having Pyper picking my outfits.


    I¡¯m no longer allowed to let her help me. I have to conquer my closet as from tomorrow.


    He did tell me it wouldn¡¯t be a problem to ask mom and Pyper to clean my closet up a bit, so I wouldn¡¯t freeze again because the colours aren¡¯t in the right order.


    And then I had to head home by bike again. I¡¯m riding through the park towards home, when another biker overtakes me. I yelp in surprise since I was in my own world, trying to get through this safely, as soon as he kicks my bike and cause me to lose control. I¡¯m whimpering, holding my sore hand up, watching it bleed in several spots. There¡¯s a nasty cut on the top of my palm and there¡¯s already a bruise forming.


    I look up to see who would do this to me, not even that surprised to find Jimmy with a smug grin on his face, staring down at me.


    ¡°Woops, didn¡¯t see you there,¡± he mockingly lies to me. ¡°But now that we¡¯re here anyway¡­¡± He throws his bike aside, taking in our surroundings to make sure there¡¯s nobody here to intervein.


    ¡°What are you doing here? Shouldn¡¯t you be at a boarding school?¡±


    ¡°Next week.¡± He shrugs. ¡°Which is what brings us to the next problem,¡± he leans over, grabs my collar and pulls me up swiftly. ¡°Because it¡¯s your fault I¡¯ll be going there in the first place.¡±


    ¡°If you would¡¯ve left me¡­¡±


    ¡°Shut up, freak,¡± he snaps, his face close to mine. ¡°Because of you, I lost my best friend, my parents hate me, I¡¯m shipped away to that stupid nerdy boarding school. And you damn well know you deserved every bit of it. You area freak, you shouldn¡¯t even be allowed to live a normal life. They should lock you away¡­¡±


    ¡°Stop it!¡± I cry out, not wanting to ever hear any of those words ever again.


    A person can only take so much before they will believe those words.


    And I already feel worthless and faulty because of the OCD and the anxiety. I already hate myself because I¡¯m not normal.


    If I¡¯ll allow him to go on, I don¡¯t know if Calo will be enough anymore.


    I already had it, I already wanted to end my life. And since I thought I got rid of him, that he would no longer bother me, I think I never expected this to happen.


    And the fact it comes as a complete surprise, caused me to not have my guards up.


    ¡°It¡¯s true! You know it is! Say it, Faulty Favre. Admit you¡¯re a freak!¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not!¡± I call out just as angry as he is.


    ¡°Stop lying, freak,¡± he hisses. ¡°Lying is wrong.¡± He hits me in my stomach with a fist. I double over, gasping for air until he grabs my hair and pulls me back up. ¡°Say it.¡±


    ¡°No!¡±


    ¡°Say it, and I¡¯ll leave you alone,¡± he whispers with an evil grin on his face. ¡°Admit that I¡¯m right, that this is all your fault. That you are Faulty Favre¡­¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s not true¡­! I can¡¯t help it!¡±


    ¡°Oh, you can, and you know you can. You just want attention. And you¡¯re one of them filthy fags too.¡± He hits me twice more, once in my stomach, once against my jaw. Then he let¡¯s go of my hair and I slump to the ground. ¡°You are pathetic. You don¡¯t deserve to live a normal life. You are Faulty Favre.¡± Jimmy kneels in front of me. ¡°Faulty, faulty, faulty,¡± he repeats the word over and over again and I want to cover my ears, but he doesn¡¯t allow me to, hitting me again in my stomach.


    ¡°Stop it!¡± I start crying, rolling over while gripping my stomach. Why is nobody here to help me? Is literally everybody in town having dinner right now?


    ¡°I¡¯ll stop, once you finally admit you are a faulty freak.¡± Jimmy hisses, again his face close to mine. ¡°Admit it, Faulty Favre.¡±


    ¡°I won¡¯t!¡±


    And then he just starts to hit me, over and over and over again. He kicks my chest repeatedly, knocking the air out of my lungs and I cry out, I call out for anyone to help me, but there¡¯s hardly any sounds leaving my mouth as I¡¯m mostly trying to get in a bit of air.


    ¡°Admit it, and this will all be over.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m faulty!¡± I squeak out, causing him to stop kicking and hitting me. My whole body is sore and every movement hurts like hell.If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.


    ¡°What did you say?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m faulty¡­ it¡¯s true¡­¡± I cry out, now with a bit more strength. ¡°You¡¯re right,¡± I whisper, curling up to a ball.


    ¡°Sorry, I didn¡¯t catch that?¡± He leans in.


    ¡°You¡¯re right, I¡¯m faulty, a freak,¡± I whisper, tears rolling down my cheek.


    ¡°Never forget this, freak.¡± Jimmy spits in my face, gets up, grabs his bike and takes off like he¡¯s on fire.


    * * * * *


    I¡¯m not sure how long I¡¯ve been laying there, until a dog comes up to me, sniffling around curiously. And I want to get away from his drooling and his disgustingly dirty paws, but each inch of a movement hurts like hell and I simply can¡¯t. I can¡¯t move without being in terrible pain and since I¡¯m already on the ground and Jimmy spat in my face, I can¡¯t be bothered with the germs either. I know that I will be in a shower for hours in a row as soon as I manage to get home, but until then I can¡¯t be bothered fighting the panic, the fear, the pain.


    And I¡¯ve been uncontrollably crying like a baby ever since Jimmy left, and I¡¯m not stopping now that someone is walking up to me.


    ¡°Holy shit!¡± It¡¯s a guys voice that calls out in shock, and his footsteps quicken, soon stopping. He kneels in front of me, touching my shoulder carefully. ¡°Hold on, I¡¯m calling an ambulance¡­¡±


    ¡°No!¡± I cry out, again sobbing loudly at the thought of having to go to hospital. ¡°My mom¡­ I need my mom¡­¡±


    ¡°But you need to go to hospital!¡± The guy retrieves his phone from his pocket, getting the dog to stop sniffling me in the same time. ¡°Buzzer, sit,¡± is his simple but effective command.


    ¡°I¡¯m not going without her.¡± I look up towards him, while tears blur my vision. ¡°Please, my mom¡­¡±


    I see he¡¯s doubting to listen to me, but then he nods. ¡°What¡¯s the number?¡±


    I tell him the number while he¡¯s dialling it, checking me out in the same time. At least he¡¯s a multitasker. ¡°I think you need stiches, dude.¡± He grabbed my hand and I hiss as he presses a bit harder then I expected him to do. ¡°What¡¯s your name?¡±


    ¡°Neo¡­¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m Carson. And I¡¯m gonna make sure you get home, okay?¡±


    I carefully nod in response, but then I start crying worse again. ¡°I¡¯m not worth the trouble, just go¡­¡±


    ¡°What? No!¡± He scowls, then he silences and his facial expressions change. ¡°It¡¯s going straight to voicemail.¡±


    ¡°That can¡¯t be¡­ She never shuts down her phone.¡± I whimper, wanting to get myself to a seating position, failing nonetheless. ¡°Unless¡­¡±


    Unless Pyper needed to go to hospital in a hurry and they¡¯re in a part of hospital where she can¡¯t keep her phone on. But would she really go there, knowing I could always call in case of an emergency?


    ¡°So, ambulance?¡±


    I shake my head, biting my lip as I push myself up, whimpering and cursing at the pain in my chest. ¡°My dad¡­¡±


    ¡°Number?¡±


    I name the number, glad I memorized both their numbers, and allow him to help me until I¡¯m on my back, with my legs pulled up. I take in deep breaths, and not just to calm down, but because breathing is difficult right now.


    ¡°Voicemail.¡± He sighs. ¡°You need to be checked¡­¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not going to hospital without my parents!¡± I snap at him. ¡°I¡¯m a freak, believe me, I need them.¡±


    ¡°What are you talking about? What happened anyway? Buzzer! Sit!¡±


    ¡°I can¡¯t go to hospital without them¡­ I will freak out, I can¡¯t¡­ I don¡¯t have the energy. I need to go home. You don¡¯t understand.¡±


    ¡°Well, you¡¯re in no way capable of riding your bike¡­¡± Carson sighs, sitting down beside me. ¡°Can you walk to the entrance of the park? Because my car is there and I could drive you home.¡±


    ¡°I could try¡­¡± I don¡¯t even want to fight the fact I don¡¯t even know him. He¡¯s clearly trying to help me and I need to get home to find out if mom, dad and Pyper are okay.


    Carson helps me up to my feet and with small steps, I manage to get to the street again. He took my bike with him, leaving it behind by the gate, locking it before he helps me to get into his car. Buzzer jumps into the back, and I sigh in relief that someone showed up and was willing to help me.


    ¡°So, what happened?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t want to talk about it.¡±


    ¡°Okay. I guess since you don¡¯t know me, I have no right to stick my nose into your business.¡±


    ¡°Exactly.¡±


    He nods along with my word, driving further in silence, following my directions.


    ¡°Just park on the driveway.¡± I mutter, noticing it¡¯s empty while a dreading feeling is settling in the pit of my stomach. Pyper must be in hospital. I don¡¯t have any other explanation as to why neither of my parents¡¯ cars are on the driveway.


    Carson did what I told him to do and helps me to get inside the empty house.


    ¡°Do you guys have some sort of medic kid?¡± Carson looks around curiously.


    ¡°Kitchen, why?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m going to patch you back up. I¡¯m not leaving you on your own like this.¡±


    ¡°You really don¡¯t have to help me any further¡­ you already did enough.¡±


    ¡°Dude? Unless you¡¯re calling the cops, telling them I¡¯m a burglar, I¡¯m not leaving until someone gets home.¡± Carson smirks, opening the cabinets in the kitchen one by one until he found the medical kid.


    Which contains more then a simple kid in any home.


    ¡°Sit.¡± Carson gestures towards a chair, and I stare at him, before staring down towards the floor. I¡¯m in the door opening, unable to skip the first two tiles because I can hardly take a decent step, let along a bit one like that. Jumping is out of the question too.


    ¡°I can¡¯t¡­¡± I mutter, not looking at him.


    ¡°You can¡¯t what?¡±


    ¡°The kitchen¡­ I can¡¯t¡­ I have to¡­¡± I shake my head, fighting back new tears.


    ¡°So, living room it is?¡± Carson shrugs, gesturing for me to head towards the living room. I take a seat on the couch, and he sits down on the coffee table with the case full of bandages and other medical supplies next to him. ¡°I need to clean the wounds first. And that might hurt.¡± He holds up the bottle of alcohol that I know all too well.


    ¡°I can take it¡­¡± I drawl awkwardly. I¡¯m used to the stinging pain caused by the liquid.


    He shrugs again, soaks a gauze with the stuff, and starts working to clean the wounds, not getting much response from me while he does so.


    And I stare, observing Carson as he is in my house as a stranger, casually helping a pathetic teen that he found, bawling his eyes out in the park. ¡°Someone beat me up.¡± I blurt out suddenly, wondering why the hell I felt the need to tell him that. ¡°He bullied me, and he got punished badly and he took revenge.¡± I can¡¯t seem to stop my blabbering mouth anymore. ¡°He said I deserved it because I¡¯m a freak and I¡­¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re not a freak. Would you stop that?¡± Carson sounds annoyed. ¡°Who is he, ¡®cause I might pay him a visit to teach him how to treat people¡­¡±


    ¡°No, you won¡¯t.¡± I can¡¯t help but chuckle. ¡°But thanks for taking my side without knowing the story.¡±


    ¡°Why is he calling you a freak?¡±


    ¡°Because I have OCD and I¡¯m not functioning in any way.¡±


    Carson frowns, staring at me in silence for a while, before he goes back to cleaning the wounds on my hands and elbows.


    ¡°That¡¯s it, no response?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not sure how to respond.¡± He shrugs for a bit, grabbing adhesive plasters, waterproof plasters and bandage. ¡°Is that why you didn¡¯t enter the kitchen?¡±


    ¡°Yup.¡±


    ¡°Right¡­¡± Carson clears his throat. ¡°And why is it any of his business that you do things different?¡±


    ¡°If you know¡­ please tell me.¡±


    Carson chuckles and I chuckle along with him. ¡°He sounds like an idiot, really.¡±


    I nod, hissing as he touched a wound on my elbow. ¡°Well, thanks¡­ for helping. And for not calling me a cry baby for the OCD¡­¡±


    ¡°What? Are you stupid? I¡¯m not going to insult you for something you can¡¯t control.¡± Carson awkwardly laughs. ¡°Look, that guy had no right to bully you. We allhave something. And while one persons¡¯ worst issue is dealing with pimples, the other deals with issues that control them instead of them controlling their issues. But those issues should never define us as a person. Or give others a reason to define us.¡±


    ¡°Amen.¡± I chuckle again, but I know this is a serious conversation. ¡°So, what¡¯s your issue? I told you mine.¡±


    ¡°I have a brain tumour. But it isn¡¯t growing or anything, I¡¯m not using any medication, it¡¯s not causing any problems. I could become old just like you or anyone else. I just need a scan every three months to make sure it stays this way.¡±


    ¡°Oh, wow¡­¡± I stare at him with wide eyes. ¡°I didn¡¯t expect that¡­¡±


    ¡°Nobody every does.¡± He chuckles. ¡°I guess we both have something in our head, messing with our lives, huh?¡±


    ¡°Only yours is physically present and mine isn¡¯t.¡±


    ¡°I do believe there¡¯s small differences in your brain to that of a healthy person. It¡¯s an e godystone disorder which means that it¡¯s outside of your power. I do believe results show that people with OCD have a smaller volume of the Hippocampus¡­¡±


    ¡°What?¡± I cut his ranting short in shock, again surprised by what he tells me.


    ¡°That recent studies show that people who have OCD have a different brain¡­¡±


    ¡°I understood that much, but how do you know all these things?¡±


    ¡°I want to become a neurologist.¡± He chuckles. ¡°I could totally help you out by explaining more of your disorder if you want me to. Show you the research I¡¯m talking about. Then maybe you can accept the fact it¡¯s not your fault, there¡¯s really something physically causing your trouble¡­¡±


    ¡°But that wouldn¡¯t solve it.¡±


    ¡°No, but it could help if you do understand it better. You¡¯re giving off the vibe you hate every bit about yourself and your bully was right. I want to show you that it¡¯s not right and that there¡¯s an explanation for it.¡±


    I bite my lip shortly, but then I nod. ¡°Yes, if you want to tell me, I want to know more.¡±


    ¡°Good.¡± He smiles, clapping his hands once. ¡°And you¡¯re all patched up.¡±

 Chapter 27 – Trust-issues

    Thursday, February 9<sup>th</sup>, 2017


    As I wander through the school¡¯s hallways towards my next class ¨C which is drawing class ¨C I find Carson lingering around the door of the classroom, causing a smile on my face to break through.


    Every since he helped me to get home a week and a half ago, patching me up andkeeping me company until my parents came home, I spend either my time in hospital with Calo, or anywhere with Carson.


    It¡¯s safe to say he¡¯s now my best friend besides Calo and the fact I made another good friend makes me cheerful and actually makes me enjoy most of my days.


    I haven¡¯t had a bad day since I met him. Being with Calo, and him opening up to the idea of being homosexual, hanging out with Carson and learning tons of things about OCD and anxiety disorders, and Luke not bothering me any longer all help with having good days.


    It didn¡¯t even cause me to freak out when my parents told me Pyper was rushed to hospital because she had a spiking fever all of the sudden. I stayed calm and reasonable and asked all the necessary questions to get the right information.


    Pyper is home now, but far from capable to go to school. At first, I was afraid her being in hospital, and Calo too, would equal me having to spend lunch alone again.


    And then there was Carson, who I never saw in school before. And quite rare too; he never heard of me either.


    He¡¯s in the top class of school, and they mostly have classes far away from where I have my classes and his class isn¡¯t really involved in any of the regular high school drama. His class has 12 students who are all aiming for bright futures at the best universities of the country.


    They¡¯re too busy for ordinary bullying or any other drama. According to Carson, besides him there¡¯s only two others who even had a relationship. Most are either too shy, too busy or not allowedto have a relationship. Some of the parents of those kids are lunatics, keeping their kids fully focused on school and telling them relationships are part of the adult life and shouldn¡¯t distract them from their school and getting A¡¯s for every test.


    Carson is one of three who¡¯s socially skilled enough, not too busy and allowed to do whatever he wants.


    And Carson applied for Stuyvesant University, which is the best in the country, and he¡¯s pending approval ¨C having to show that he can keep up his biology grade, which had been faltering slightly after he found out he has a brain tumour.


    Which reminds me of my cousin Milan a bit, who was also pending approval to get into Stuyvesant University, but now most definitely has to retake his final year in high school.


    He¡¯ll be mentally capable of finishing school, it¡¯s just a question when he¡¯ll be able to go back to school.


    ¡°Hi there, Nee.¡± Carson greets me with a courtly nod, pretending to take of a had that he isn¡¯t wearing.


    I chuckle and smirk at him. ¡°Hi Carson.¡±


    ¡°I was looking for you.¡±


    ¡°You saw me an hour ago during lunch.¡± I frown slightly while he follows me into the classroom. ¡°And shouldn¡¯t you be in class right now?¡±


    ¡°Free period. I¡¯ll go back to studying in a minute.¡± He sits down on the empty stool beside me, which belongs to Calo. ¡°Or I could persuade Mrs. Gabriel to let me stay here and help you¡­ draw?¡± He frowns as I got my drawing from the rack. ¡°Shouldn¡¯t you use paint?¡±


    I snort and send him an amused look. ¡°You¡¯re funny, Carson.¡±


    ¡°Why-¡­ Oh. Huh, you and paint aren¡¯t friends, huh?¡± He chuckles. ¡°Germs, OCD, anxiety? Which is it.¡±


    I frown, overthinking the reason behind my paint-phobia. ¡°Not sure which of my problems makes me scared of using paint. I think it¡¯s the thought of getting it on my clothes? There¡¯s not really fear of germs, since it¡¯s not really germs¡­¡± I shut my mouth as I notice I¡¯m blabbering and he seems amused.


    ¡°Nee, I¡¯ll be right back, okay?¡± He jumps up and leaves the classroom without taking his backpack. Just outside the classroom he bumps into Mrs. Gabriel and I chuckle, turning back to my drawing of a bird in mid-landing.


    ¡°That starts to look awesome, Neo.¡± Luke¡¯s voice sounds neutral, still it causes me to jump in my seat a bit. ¡°How¡¯s your hand? Healing a bit?¡±


    The frown I had on my face ever since I took in my dull sketch ¨C that could definitely use some brighter colours ¨C increases. ¡°Why do you care?¡±


    ¡°Oh, you know¡­¡± He shrugs. ¡°I feel a bit like it¡¯s my fault since it was Jimmy and well¡­ you know¡­¡± He lolls his head, drawling his explanation for showing interest in the healing process of my hand, that still is a bit sore.


    ¡°You areresponsible.¡± I mumble, grabbing a pencil to head on with drawing the details of the left wing. ¡°You started bullying, Jimmy followed. You stopped, he didn¡¯t.¡±


    ¡°And I am sorry, Neo¡­¡± Now Luke sits down on Calo¡¯s stool.


    ¡°That¡¯s Calo¡¯s seat,¡± I grumble in annoyance. ¡°I¡¯m not sure if he will be pleased if he finds out you sat there.¡±


    ¡°Oh¡­ but he isn¡¯t here¡­¡±


    ¡°Luke, leave me alone. Like you promised.¡±


    He bites his lip and I see a flash of hurt in his eyes while he gets up and leaves with his head yet again dipped low.


    Luke¡¯s behaviour is a mystery to me. It¡¯s one thing for him to understand what he did was wrong, to regret it and to stop the bullying. But I just don¡¯t get why he¡¯s trying to be all friendly and show interest in me.


    I think he should understand we will never be friends, or even on friendly terms.


    ¡°How is it you can work on that for so long? Isn¡¯t it done yet?¡± Angela leans over my shoulder, taking in the drawing with curiosity.


    ¡°Does it look like a bird that is about to fly off the paper?¡±


    ¡°Not quite, but it¡¯s still beautiful.¡±


    ¡°Then it¡¯s still not realistic enough.¡± I smirk and look at her. ¡°What are you working on?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m out of inspiration. I¡¯ve been doodling all kinds of things. But the subject ¡®a slice of life¡¯ isn¡¯t very inspiring to me.¡±If you discover this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.


    ¡°But it¡¯s literally the easiest subject there is. It¡¯s just something that reminds you of life. Could be practically anything. Even death could be it. It¡¯s still a slice of life.¡±


    Angela chuckles and shrugs. ¡°I¡¯m just not creative.¡±


    ¡°There¡¯s nothing creative about creating anything that reminds you of life.¡±


    ¡°I just¡­¡± Angela sighs and sits down on Calo¡¯s stool and suddenly I wonder how the hell I went from alone and unbothered to having three different persons on the stool next to me within five minutes? ¡°How did you come up with a bird?¡±


    ¡°Because when I think of true life, I want to live free as a bird.¡± I shrug.


    ¡°See!¡± Angela groans. ¡°That¡¯s genius. Why didn¡¯t I think of that?¡±


    ¡°Well, what¡¯s the best feeling in the world to you?¡±


    ¡°Truly being in love.¡±


    ¡°And what reminds you of love most?¡±


    ¡°Ehm, roses?¡±


    ¡°Then draw roses.¡± I shrug. ¡°And while you¡¯re drawing it, I¡¯m sure more will come to mind. So, start with a paper of roses, research love and signs of love...¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m back!¡± Carson, out of breath, holding a with fabric in one hand and something blue in the others, appears beside Angela. ¡°Oh, hi Angie.¡±


    ¡°Hi Carson.¡± Angela smiles at him, then at me. ¡°Thanks Neo, I¡¯ll do that. I¡¯m sure I¡¯ll come up with more along the way.¡± She jumps up, leaving me with Carson again.


    ¡°What¡¯s that?¡± I nod towards the white cloth.


    ¡°Lab coat!¡± Carson throws the blue thing he was holding onto Calo¡¯s empty table. ¡°So you won¡¯t get paint on your clothes.¡±


    I frown, but I can¡¯t fight the smile that spreads across my face.


    ¡°Mrs. Gabriel agreed to let me help you in this process of¡­ self-development.¡±


    ¡°But¡­ it¡¯s not ready to be painted yet!¡± I cover the bird ¨C though a small portion since the drawing is huge ¨C with both hands.


    ¡°I¡¯m going to teach you how to use water colour. And we¡¯re not going to ruin your drawings before I¡¯m sure you know how to steer the water colour the right way.¡±


    ¡°Water colour?¡±


    ¡°This whole drawing screams water colour.¡±


    ¡°Does it?¡±


    ¡°Yes.¡± Carson nods. ¡°I¡¯ll teach you, and if you don¡¯t like it, nobody¡¯s going to force you. But you could try and see if you like it.¡±


    ¡°Okay, fair enough. Teach me, oh wise Carson.¡±


    * * * * *


    Calo, as soon as I enter his room in the psychiatric ward, perks up in the chair he¡¯s seated at. There¡¯s school stuff in front of him, but he was dreamily staring towards the door.


    ¡°Hey handsome.¡± He smirks, opening his arm to invite me into a hug.


    As soon as I put my arms around him, he pulls me onto his lap, pecking kisses all over my face. ¡°Someone¡¯s happy to see me.¡±


    ¡°I am, truly. And I¡¯ve got great news.¡±


    ¡°What is it?¡± I settle onto his lap, pecking a kiss on his lips after he¡¯s done kissing my face, and the scrapes and bruises that are still slightly visible.


    ¡°I¡¯m allowed to go home. Mom and dad are coming to pick me up after work.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s awesome!¡± I wiggle on his lap excitedly. ¡°Does that mean you¡¯ll be back in school soon? You have to meet Carson. He came over during free period to help me during arts class. He taught me how to use water colour¡­¡± I retrieve my phone ¨C missing the fact Calo¡¯s smile turned into a frown since I¡¯m too excited about the water colour in the first place. ¡°Look.¡±


    I show him pictures on my phone that I took because when I did, I didn¡¯t know I could show Calo in real life any day soon. ¡°He taught me different techniques and then he made me draw a feather with onlywatercolour paint¡­¡±


    ¡°You and Carson sure became close quick¡­¡± Calo stares at the pictures, but this time I didn¡¯t miss the salty tone of voice.


    ¡°Yeah¡­ well¡­ he told me more about OCD and he¡¯s really helpful¡­¡± I stop talking since there¡¯s a bit of anger in his eyes. ¡°Cay, are you jealous?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t really like the idea of you and a guy hanging out that much. You talk about him all the time¡­¡±


    ¡°Well, you do realise you signed up for a relationship with me, Neo Favre, who hardly has any friends, or really anything going on in his life to talk about?¡±


    ¡°I do. I just didn¡¯t think you would be open to other people¡¯s attention while dating me.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not. We¡¯re just friends. I¡¯m not even sure if Carson is hetero or gay. Because we never had that conversation, Cay. Because I¡¯m not interested in him like that. Besides, I¡¯m not out as gay either. Though I think people saw us when you surprised me by picking me up from school to other day¡­¡± I cock my head. ¡°I like you, and only you, Calo Delgado. You have my heart, he just has my time while you¡¯re stuck in here.¡±


    Calo rolls his eyes, and I see he¡¯s trying really hard to fight the smile that wants to break his frown.


    ¡°I like you, Calo. And I¡¯m yours, I¡¯m fully invested in our relationship and Carson is just a new friend. I¡¯m sure you¡¯ll see what I mean when you meet him in person.¡±


    ¡°I hope you¡¯re right.¡± He¡¯s still a bit grumpy, bit since he put his arms back around my waist, and leans his head against my chest, I¡¯m sure I managed to calm his nerves down a bit. ¡°I don¡¯t want to be going through this whole accepting my sexuality thing by myself¡­¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re not.¡± I peck a kiss onto his forehead. ¡°I¡¯ll be by your side every step along the way.¡±


    Someone clears his throat by the door, causing us both to jump up and act innocent as fuck.


    ¡°The folks are coming.¡± Seino smirks at us. ¡°Figured I should give you a heads up¡­¡± He winks at me and watches as Calo grabs his school supplies and dumps them into an empty box on the table.


    I chuckle, though I still feel a bit on edge and as if we just got caught. I still feel stupid for even trying to hide it as Dr. Delgado made it clear that he already knows Calo is struggling with his sexuality.


    I just don¡¯t want to force Calo into coming out or ruining his progress by telling him his dad already knows his biggest secret.


    I tried to tell him before, but he¡¯s adamantly sure his parents will condemn him for it.


    And then I went on and tried to convince Dr. Delgado to tell Calo he already knows. But he said he was patiently going to wait until Calo was ready, which makes sense.


    Seino stands next to me in the same time their parents enter the room, both with a smile on their faces.


    ¡°Sei, Neo, can I talk to Calo in private for a minute?¡± Dr. Delgado sends us a serious look. ¡°It¡¯ll be short and then we go home.¡±


    ¡°Just a sec¡­¡± I drawl, hurrying towards Calo, who is frozen besides the bed, staring towards his father nervously. ¡°Cay?¡±


    ¡°Uhu?¡± He doesn¡¯t take his eyes off of his father, but he did acknowledge my presence.


    ¡°Can you please consider telling your parents about us? I want to be able to hold your hand, or snuggle close to you, even when they¡¯re there¡­¡±


    ¡°No¡­ Nee¡­ I¡¯m not¡­ I don¡¯t want to¡­ They won¡¯t accept it¡­¡±


    ¡°They will.¡±


    ¡°Just think about it, okay?¡± I murmur, before I turn around and leave the room to find Seino and Mrs. Delgado in the hallway.


    ¡°What does dad want to talk about to Cay?¡± Seino nervously asks his mother, who smiles as an answer.


    ¡°Don¡¯t be nosy.¡± She taps his nose. ¡°If they want you to know, they¡¯ll tell you themselves.¡±


    Seino groans, crossing his arms while leaning against the wall. ¡°So annoying¡­¡±


    ¡°Give your brother some time with his father. It¡¯s hard enough to give all of you the needed attention and love as it is already. And Calo needs a little more support right now.¡±


    I smile at Mrs. Delgado, happy to hear she agrees with me that Dr. Delgado should give Calo a bit more attention, love and support right now.


    I just want to him, or both of them, to realise they could have a way better bond if they would open up to each other.


    And for that to happen, Dr. Delgado needs to win over Calo¡¯s trust first.


    ¡°But, we aretaking Cay home today, right?¡± Seino demandingly asks his mother, causing me to frown and wonder if Dr. Delgado is crushing Calo¡¯s happy mood right now by telling him they won¡¯t take him home today.


    ¡°Yes, honey. We¡¯re taking Calo home. Your dad just wants to agree on some things with Calo first.¡±


    ¡°But you know Calo is stubborn when it comes to dad. He won¡¯t agree to anything dad tells him.¡±


    ¡°He will agree to this.¡± Mrs. Delgado smiles, caressing Seino¡¯s cheek. ¡°Believe me when I say so.¡±


    Then, the door opens, and Dr. Delgado and Calo get out of the room. Calo seems a bit insecure, fiddling with his sweater a bit.


    ¡°What did you talk about?¡± Seino instantly asks with wide eyes, while I try to catch Calo¡¯s gaze to see if he¡¯s okay.


    ¡°Let¡¯s say I made Calo an offer he couldn¡¯t refuse.¡± Dr. Delgado winks at me, I frown, and then I notice Calo with a small smirk.


    ¡°What offer?¡± Seino walks to Calo. ¡°You¡¯re coming home, right?¡±


    ¡°Yes.¡± Calo smiles and looks back and forth between Seino and his father. ¡°Dad agreed to treat me at home.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re going to treat him?¡± Seino and I call out in surprise.


    But that very fact makes me happy too. I know this is a big deal to Calo.


    ¡°Yes. Let¡¯s say someone made me realise that I should do everything in my power to help my son. Even if I would have to bend or break a rule here or there.¡± Dr. Delgado puts his hand on Calo¡¯s shoulder. ¡°Now, how about grabbing your stuff and going home?¡±


    ¡°Love to.¡± Calo smiles wider at him, and then towards me.


    As his parents and Seino head back in the room to grab his stuff, Calo stops me by the door.


    ¡°I know that certain someone was you, Nee. Thanks.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re welcome.¡± I smile. ¡°Anything to help you.¡±


    ¡°Right back at you.¡± He pulls me in a hug and he keeps me in his arms while Dr. Delgado reappears beside him, holding a box.


    ¡°Welcome in the family, Neo.¡± He winks and then he casually walks, followed by a frowning and confused Seino and a smiling Mrs. Delgado.


    ¡°Did you tell him?¡±


    ¡°Uhu¡­¡± Calo¡¯s face flushes. ¡°He offered me help, so I offered him a glimpse of what he¡¯s getting himself into.¡±


    I chuckle and stand on my toes to peck a kiss on his nose. ¡°I¡¯m proud of you.¡±

 Chapter 28 – Jealousy

    Monday, February 20<sup>th</sup>, 2017


    I can¡¯t hold back a laugh as Carson stares at my mid-landing bird, that I just sketches on a regular paper in a couple of minutes right before adding some water colour to see if I would be pleased about it enough to use water colour on my actual sketch.


    The result is stunning, and Carson stares down at it with his jaw nearly touching the ground.


    ¡°Don¡¯t tell me you just made that in like, under fifteen minutes.¡±


    ¡°Uuh¡­¡± I scratch the back of my head. ¡°Think I did, why? Do you like it? I¡¯m not sure about the reds and the blue¡¯s¡­¡±


    ¡°NO dude!¡± Carson nudges me and I notice Calo sending us an annoyed look from my right side. ¡°This is¡­ holy shit I want you autograph¡­¡±


    I feel my face heat up over his reaction, when suddenly Calo leans over to take a look.


    ¡°It¡¯s beautiful Nee¡­¡± He smiles at the drawing, sends Carson a cold look, and then leans in to peck a kiss on my cheek ¨C surprising everybody who was looking at us because Carson tends to get a bit loud whenever he¡¯s excited.


    ¡°Uuh¡­ Cay?¡± I mutter, slumping down because I know he hates to be publicly out.


    ¡°It¡¯s okay,¡± he hums with a smile. ¡°It¡¯s you, so it¡¯s fine.¡±


    ¡°Are you sure?¡± I turn to smile at him, and I feel Carson sliding away a bit to offer us some privacy.


    ¡°I am, really.¡± He leans in to peck another kiss on my cheek and I can¡¯t fight back a smile that breaks onto my face, leaning towards him a bit as if I¡¯m pulled right in his direction, while butterflies mess up my previously eaten lunch.


    ¡°Good¡­¡± I absentmindedly answer, still soaring over the fact he is now comfortable enough to kiss my cheek in public.


    It¡¯s a big step.


    Most definitely if you think this is only his first day back in school. He had been home for the entire week last week, but his parents wanted him to readjust to the situation before going back to school.


    And with school, they asked if he wanted to switch again, but he was adamant about being in the same school, preferably in the same class, as I am.


    This is the sixth class of the day, I introduced Calo and Carson to each other right before school, and I don¡¯t think Calo has said anything friendly towards Carson, while Carson keeps trying to be friendly.


    It¡¯s really awkward since Carson showed up during Arts class again, to help me with the water colour, and perfect my techniques before applying it on my massive and very detailed bird-sketch.


    ¡°So, ehm¡­¡± Carson drawls, nudging me again. ¡°The master becomes the apprentice, when are you going to teach me how you do this stuff this quick?¡±


    I chuckle, turning back to my sketch, staring down at it for a second. ¡°Just¡­ let the water colour do what it wants¡­¡± I shrug. ¡°I think I¡¯m ready to colour my actual painting.¡±


    ¡°Awesome!¡± Carson cheers, some classmates send him an annoyed look, while Mrs. Gabriel smiles happily towards the two of us. ¡°Go get the drawing, I¡¯ll clean out the brushes and get all the water colours you need.¡±


    I watch him jump up, rushing towards his locker because that¡¯s where he keeps the rest of the bottles of concentrated water colour. It¡¯s his personal stash, that he does not want to get in the wrong hands.


    There¡¯re tons of colours that he all dragged to school for me, and I picked 9 colours that I want to be working with during lunch already.


    Most are tints of orange, red, and blue. There¡¯s one bottle of green because I have a big leaf at the bottom of the painting that I need to colour in with green.


    ¡°I don¡¯t like him,¡± Calo states with a hostile stance, glaring at the watercolour sketch that I made to try out the combination of the colours.


    I roll my eyes, push myself up from the stool and retrieve my masterpiece. As I head back to my desk, I take in the mess on my desk and smile yet again.


    It¡¯s one small achievement I made lately; I do not organize my stuff as obsessive anymore.


    I still make a habit out of organizing colours, but sizes, subjects, they don¡¯t matter anymore.


    It¡¯s small, but a victory to me that means that I don¡¯t need extra time to set up and clean up my desk anymore.


    ¡°He¡¯s my friend,¡± I deadpan with an annoyed look sent his way. ¡°He is really supportive, and I can¡¯t survive on solely your support. You won¡¯t always be there. Be happy I have someone that likes me for me¡­¡±


    ¡°Exactly. He likes you. He¡¯s drooling all over you!¡± Calo hisses, pulling me back onto my stool. ¡°He¡¯s flirting with you and you¡¯re more then happy to let him.¡±


    ¡°What! He does not, and I don¡¯t either!¡± I stare at him in shock. ¡°I told you, you¡¯re my boyfriend. I like you romantically, while I like Carson in the same way I like Angela; as a purely platonic friend.¡±


    Calo shrugs, not in the least convinced by my words, turning towards his painting, further ignoring any attempts to talk about this.


    And once Carson is back, I drop my attempts, send Calo an angry look for trying to ruin my mood, and focus back on the painting and Carson¡¯s tips.


    Since I didn¡¯t use water colour paper, it requires a bit more care to not ruin the paper, but with his help, I manage to get the first layer of watercolour ready by the end of class. It needs to dry before I can apply the next layer tomorrow.


    Calo already left the classroom before I was done cleaning up my desk, stuffing the lab coat, the latex gloves and the water colour in the bag that Carson and I now use to carry around the supplies, handing it back to him.


    ¡°I¡¯m sorry Calo¡¯s been acting like this¡­ just¡­ give him time.¡±


    ¡°Must be stressful for him to be back in this place.¡± Carson smiles reassuringly. ¡°I won¡¯t take it personal.¡±


    ¡°Good.¡± I nod, smile, and sigh. He should take it personal, because I bet Calo simply dislikes Carson because he looks a bit like him. Not much, not nearly as handsome as Calo, but same skin tone, hair colour, eyes, length. But those are basics. Calo has this air around him that sets him apart from anyone else; even from Seino. ¡°I¡¯ll go and find him, to see if I can calm him down a bit¡­¡±Reading on this site? This novel is published elsewhere. Support the author by seeking out the original.


    ¡°Good luck with that.¡± Carson smiles again. ¡°Text me whenever you have time, I found a new research about OCD that you might like to read.¡±


    ¡°Cool!¡± I smile widely. ¡°I¡¯ll text after school.¡±


    With that, we both nod, smile, and wave, going in different directions as soon as the bell rings to indicate next classes are about to start.


    I find Calo by his locker, like I expected to, and I recognize the expression on his face. He¡¯s jamming, panicking over something. I¡¯ve been in that situation one too many times before.


    ¡°Hey¡­¡± I greet him unsurely, noticing his eyes are slightly more bloodshot, and he seems on the edge of crying. ¡°Can we talk about it?¡±


    ¡°Is there something to talk about?¡± He whispers with a thick voice. ¡°You like him, don¡¯t you?¡±


    ¡°I like you more. I like him as a friend¡­¡± I shrug, grabbing Calo¡¯s wrists to turn him so that he¡¯s facing me. ¡°Just a friend, Cay.¡± I lean in to peck a kiss on his mouth, that he answers distantly. ¡°What is it that makes you worried about us this much?¡±


    ¡°Do you really like me? For me?¡±


    ¡°Yes, why do you even ask?¡± I chuckle awkwardly, not understanding why he started doubting again.


    ¡°Or do you like the fact I was the first that liked you for who you are? Is it the idea of being with someone?¡±


    ¡°What? No!?¡± I stare at him in horror. ¡°You think I¡¯m just with you because you give me attention and you hang out with me?¡±


    ¡°Well, it¡¯s what he does, and you keep seeking his company¡­¡±


    ¡°Cay, he¡¯s teaching me all sorts of stuff. I teach him stuff too¡­¡± I start to feel a bit annoyed, though I don¡¯t want this to end up in a fight. ¡°I¡¯m not with you for the wrong reasons. I¡¯m with you because my whole body goes crazy whenever you smile, or touch me in the simplest ways¡­ I don¡¯t have that when I¡¯m with Carson. I like Carson for his humour and the fact he knows so much. But I¡¯m not attracted to him like I am with you.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not saying you are physically attracted to him. I¡¯m saying you just think you are with me.¡±


    ¡°You don¡¯t know that.¡±


    ¡°But then how would you explain the fact I¡¯ve struggled with these feelings for years, and you accept it, just like that? People struggle over their sexuality, Neo. And you¡­ you just¡­ you don¡¯t even mind! If you really would be gay, and you really would¡¯ve discovered it just now, with me, you wouldn¡¯t accept it just like that. You would struggle¡­¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s dense, ignorant bullshit, Cay.¡± I cut him short with a snap. ¡°And I don¡¯t like it how you¡¯re claiming that I¡¯m pretending to be someone I¡¯m not. Because, news flash, I¡¯ve been struggling with shitloads of things, I disliked every part about myself, and the fact I am capable of loving someone unconditionally, no matter what size, colour, or gender they have, is something I admire in me! It¡¯s the one thing I dolike about me. And if you don¡¯t think it¡¯s true, then fuck you, Calo Delgado. Because I deserve someone who trusts me instead of acting like a jealous monster because I finally start to make friends!¡± I send him a cold look and I already turned around and ran off before he was capable of stopping me.


    And the worst part; he doesn¡¯t try to stop me.


    He doesn¡¯t call out after me, he doesn¡¯t follow me. He just let¡¯s me leave.


    * * * * *


    I walked home, not in the mood to yet again call mom, since she should be able to pick up Pyper whenever she¡¯s ready to go home.


    And at home, I slammed the front door shut, and ran up to my room.


    Mom tried to stop me, calling out for me in worry, but allowed me to get to my bedroom, and onto my bed, without stopping me to demand an explanation for me being home two hours early.


    I overheard her calling school, explaining that I was home and something was wrong, and then it went silent for a while, until she knocks on my door, and enters the room with tea, cookies and cake.


    ¡®Hey honey.¡± She greets me as I sit up on the bed to give her some space to put down the drinks and treats. ¡°Let¡¯s drink some tea, so you can calm down and tell me why you¡¯re home early, why you didn¡¯t call me, and why you tried to damage the front door by slamming it like that.¡±


    I send her a look to tell her this isn¡¯t the time to joke around, causing her to smile, yet sigh deeply.


    ¡°What happened, Neo? You were doing great¡­¡±


    ¡°Yeah, huh? I was, right?¡± I mutter, sliding back down to lay on my side, pulling the cover back over my head, not really caring if I would spill tea.


    ¡°So, what happened? Did they bully you again?¡±


    ¡°No¡­¡±


    ¡°Did they hurt you?¡±


    ¡°No¡­ Yes¡­¡±


    ¡°What did they do?¡±


    ¡°He told me I¡¯m just in a relationship because I like the attention¡­¡±


    ¡°Relationship?¡± Mom exclaims shocked, pulling the cover off of my head to stare at me in disbelief. ¡°Neo, are you in a relationship?¡±


    ¡°Yes¡­¡±


    ¡°Since when? And why didn¡¯t you tell us? That¡¯s¡­ great!¡±


    ¡°Yeah¡­ awesome.¡± There¡¯s no enthusiasm in my voice, or my demeanour. It¡¯s because it¡¯s Calo who hurt me that I can¡¯t be too happy right now.


    ¡°Honey¡­¡± Mom sighs, pushing back my messy curling hair. ¡°Who said you¡¯re only in a relationship because of the attention.¡±


    ¡°Calo¡­¡±


    ¡°And is it possible Calo is jealous because he likes you?¡±


    I snort, rolling away from her because I do not want to face her while pronouncing the next words. ¡°Would be weird to be jealous for him since he¡¯s the one I¡¯m dating¡­¡±


    The silence that follows is suffocating, and eventually I turn around, to find my mother smiling at me. It¡¯s more like a proud smile, then it is a sad one.


    ¡°You¡¯re dating Calo,¡± she repeats my words with a bit of caution. ¡°You¡¯re gay?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know!¡± I cry out, pulling the cover back to cover my face. ¡°I¡¯m just into him and he makes me happy and I feel all giddy and girly and whatever¡­¡± I let out a groan full of frustration. ¡°But he says I only pretend to be gay because he accepts me the way I am and he was the first to do so.¡±


    ¡°Are you?¡±


    ¡°No, mom!¡± I call out in anger. ¡°I love him to death¡­¡±


    Did I say love? Do I love Calo? How¡¯s that possible already? I just got to know him!


    ¡°Neo, sweetie¡­¡± Mom chuckles, again uncovering my face to look at me. ¡°Then tell him exactly that.¡±


    ¡°What, that I like him? I do that all the time!¡±


    ¡°No, you just said you love him to death. I¡¯m sure he¡¯ll like to hear that.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m sure he¡¯ll just think I pretend to love him.¡±


    ¡°Why does he think that? Is it because he¡¯s insecure?¡±


    ¡°I bet it has something to do with that. But he said it¡¯s impossible for me to accept being attracted to guys like this, while he, and others too, struggle with their sexuality for years. But I really, really admire that one part about me where my mind didn¡¯t decide to make a big deal out of something that is yet again not living up to the expectations of the bigger mass, but just accept it and go with it.¡±


    ¡°Which is really good, because there¡¯s nothing wrong with loving anyone. Did you tell Calo this is how you feel? Does he understand that after years of fighting to be accepted the way you are, your sexuality is the least of your problems? That you¡¯re being judged enough as it is already and that being attracted to guys is just something you do accept because it¡¯s really not a big deal?¡±


    ¡°I snapped it in his face, and then left¡­ because he was really making me angry because he¡¯s jealous over my friendship with Carson and I just, for once, want to have friends without it being weird.¡±


    ¡°Then let your words sink in and he¡¯ll come to you to tell you he was being silly and than you get to tell him how you really feel. And for today, you¡¯re done. I¡¯m going to spoil you, because I secretly miss spoiling you now that you¡¯re becoming really independent. You know how boring my days are without you or Pyper calling for my help?¡± She smirks, and I roll my eyes.


    ¡°As if you mind a little more time off.¡±


    ¡°Well, I do feel old since you both seem to need me a lot less.¡± She admits with a chuckle. ¡°So, I¡¯ll grab this opportunity to spoil you like I always used to. So, let¡¯s drink tea, tell me all about you and Calo and how you got together, why you didn¡¯t tell me, and then we¡¯ll go buy ice cream and head to the park.¡±


    ¡°Sounds good to me, mostly the park and ice cream part.¡±


    Mom smiles and leans in to peck a kiss on top of my head. ¡°I love you, Neo. You¡¯ll always be my baby boy and I¡¯ll always be there for you to support you in everything you do.¡±


    ¡°Thanks, mom¡­¡±


    ¡°So, please, promise me you didn¡¯t keep your sexuality hidden because I gave you the impression I¡¯m against it.¡±


    ¡°No!¡± I call out in shock, pushing myself up to hug her tightly. ¡°I wanted to tell everyone the day I got together with Calo¡­ but then Milan¡¯s parents called and it didn¡¯t feel right to tell because he was in hospital¡­ and then it just slipped my mind and I forgot to tell.¡±


    ¡°So, you know we will support you no matter what?¡±


    ¡°I think I never doubted that fact, since you both are eager to attack anyone who ever says anything bad about me, even if they might be right in some ways.¡±


    ¡°Because to us, you are perfect the way you are.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s a bit clich¨¦.¡±


    ¡°Wait until you get kids of your own, and then tell me if that clich¨¦ is stupid or not.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ll get back to you about it as soon as I have kids.¡±


    ¡°Good.¡± She chuckles again, hugging me back in a warm embrace. ¡°Now, let¡¯s gossip about your boyfriend.¡±

 Chapter 29 – Progress

    Monday, March 20<sup>th</sup>, 2017


    Calo and I have had a rough month, in which I constantly had to remind him that I love him because he is great, not because he pays me attention.


    Last Friday, we had another fight and I refused to meet with him over the weekend, to consumed by reaching my goals for the month; getting rid of at least one compulsion.


    It took all of my time and energy to stop skipping the first and last steps of the stairs, and after two slight break-downs, I was able to step on them only slightly anxious.


    Then, the waiting game had started for anything to happen to dad, but it didn¡¯t.


    So, by the end of Saturday, I repeatedly walked up and down the stairs without skipping any steps, until I was sure it was stuck in my mind that the world wouldn¡¯t stop turning because of it.


    It might be unconventional to use this method, but simply talking about my compulsions, or trying to get a different mind-set to each of them isn¡¯t working out for me.


    Forcing myself to face reality, however, is.


    It¡¯s mostly because of Carson that I got as far as I got so far. Since he started teaching me about OCD and showing me results of endless of research, I felt a bit better about myself.


    I simply can¡¯t help everything. Bits and pieces, yes. But my brain is simply different from those of others and for that part, it is not in my power to change. Compulsions will always be part of my life, but those I have because of fear, I can change. I don¡¯t think I¡¯ll ever be able to not order things by colours or sizes. I just feel the need to do so.


    I will probably always skip lines and cracks in between tiles, but I shouldn¡¯t have to freak out as bad as I currently do.


    I will be fine with my compulsions once they will feel like a second nature to me, and not as if they¡¯re controlling me.


    I don¡¯t want them to control me, and Carson has shown me enough proof they don¡¯t need to be controlling either.


    But that got me to realise I don¡¯t want to be controlled by anything. For once in my life, I want to feel free as a bird, without restrictions because of any compulsions, or the need to keep others safe.


    Or satisfy a certain someone.


    No matter how badly I know Calo is simply really insecure because he doesn¡¯t like himself, I feel as if his insecurities and his need for me to prove I like him again and again are now controlling me.


    It makes me talk different, act different, all to please him and prevent him from feeling insecure.


    But all the more insecure do I feel about myself and about my relationship with Calo.


    And I¡¯m really done with feeling insecure. In the past few months I¡¯ve proven multiple things to myself and others that I previously thought I wasn¡¯t capable of.


    I made friends of my own, I stood up for myself, and I even opened up to love while I previously rather kept to myself.


    I¡¯m starting to get a grip on my compulsions, or at least the anxious feelings behind them, and I¡¯ve been working on joining P.E. and trying to find a museum ¨C as requested by our Arts teacher Mrs. Gabriel ¨C that I can go to along with the rest of the students.


    I¡¯ve given her two options and a demand that my mother would be allowed to supervise, in case I freak out anyway.


    I¡¯ve conquered my bullies, I stood up for myself and I even beat the shit out of Luke.


    But now that I¡¯m taking all these steps, I think what¡¯s bothering me most these days, is the ongoing discussions with Calo.


    About me being too busy some days of the week with all sorts of stuff ¨C including visiting Milan during the weekends, seeing Dr. Delgado, taking pictures all around the country and meeting with Carson, Angela or Prayaav, the latter quickly becoming a good friend too.


    About me hanging out with Carson too much, and to repeated question if I¡¯m in to Carson ¨C which I¡¯m not.


    No matter what the discussion or argument between us is, it¡¯s always about me and I¡¯m getting a bit sick of it.


    I really love him, to death, and I told him on multiple occasions already. But somehow it I can¡¯t get through to him that despite my other activities and friends, he is the only one I actually love and want to be with.


    And I¡¯m getting fed up with it, and too tired to mend us back together.


    Though I do miss hanging on the couch with him now that both our parents know about the true nature of our relationship.


    But I¡¯m not sure if I can keep things up much longer.This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.


    Sooner or later, I¡¯m going to blow up in his face, even though I know he can¡¯t help his insecurity. He¡¯s been working on it, with Dr. Delgado at home, and a new psychiatrist with which he has one session a week.


    ¡°Penny for your thoughts.¡± Calo hums, telling me he is in a good mood today. He looks good too, and I notice how I let a breath escape I didn¡¯t even know I was holding.


    Since when do I hold my breath whenever my boyfriend enters the classroom? Am I getting scared of his mood?


    ¡°Can we talk? About Friday?¡± He leans closer, wanting to peck a kiss on my lips, while I turn him my cheek to kiss. Not completely turning him down, but telling him I¡¯m angry in the least. ¡°Please¡­ Nee. You know how hard this is to me¡­¡±


    ¡°I know, yes.¡± I nod in reaction, telling him I do know. ¡°But do you know how hard things are for me too?¡± I turn to look at him, not really wanting to have this conversation in here. ¡°You¡¯re not the only one who¡¯s recovering, healing¡­ getting better.¡±


    Calo sighs deeply, ashamed a bit. ¡°I know¡­¡± He clears his throat. ¡°I¡¯ve been acting really selfish and I can¡¯t believe I¡¯m going to admit this¡­ but Carson made me realise my mistakes¡­¡±


    ¡°You spoke to Carson.¡± I cross my arms, sending him an annoyed look. ¡°Why? Did you want to fight with him?¡±


    ¡°No¡­ yes¡­ but then he¡­ made sense?¡± Calo rolls his eyes. ¡°He¡¯s too smart for my likings, but seriously, Nee¡­ I understand now.¡±


    ¡°Good for you. We¡¯ll talk later.¡±


    ¡°Nee, don¡¯t be like that¡­¡±


    ¡°I am like this,¡± I hiss, sending him a look full of disbelieve. ¡°Why, don¡¯t like it?¡±


    ¡°Way too much¡­¡± Calo smirks, and it sends a shudder of longing through my body, wanting to hug him and stay in his arms for the rest of my life. Damn, why is he that charming whenever he smirks, or smiles, or laughs?


    ¡°We¡¯ll talk after school.¡±


    * * * * *


    I fiddle with my backpack, as I watch Carson walk away after giving me an encouraging pep-talk to not let myself get run over by Calo¡¯s arguments.


    To stand up for myself so that Calo will realise the effects of his words and actions on me.


    On my other side, Calo is walking up to me, seemingly as nervous as I am.


    We haven¡¯t really exchanged much words today, and it¡¯s wearing me out to see him with a sad look on his face, knowing he isn¡¯t really happy at all anyway, and I make it worse.


    But he made me angry in the first place, and I really need to start standing up for myself; Milan thought me that. Carson told me the same.


    Mom even tells me the same whenever I have a fight with Calo and I¡¯m the one adjusting fully to him, instead of him meeting me half way down the middle.


    ¡°Hey¡­¡± Calo whispers, sitting down next to me, while I stare towards the pond in the park, following a family of ducks I just fed about half an hour ago. ¡°I¡¯m sorry I couldn¡¯t meet sooner¡­¡±


    ¡°You had therapy, I know.¡± I nod, knowing he has therapy right after school on Monday¡¯s. ¡°Carson kept me company.¡±


    ¡°Right¡­¡± Calo clears his throat awkwardly. ¡°You know why I don¡¯t like you two hanging out as much as you do¡­¡±


    ¡°And you know why I hang out with him.¡± I counter, already annoyed because again this is about what I do. ¡°I¡¯m not in love with him, Cay. I¡¯m in love with you.¡±


    ¡°I know¡­ and Carson really made it clear there¡¯s nothing between you two¡­ but I shouldn¡¯t listen to him, but to you¡­¡± Calo sighs, slumping down a bit. ¡°I really like you, Neo.¡±


    Which is one of the things that is bothering me too. I told him I love him, but so far, he hasn¡¯t said it back. And I don¡¯t want to rush things for him, but it¡¯s getting awkward.


    ¡°I know, but sometimes it¡¯s really frustrating because you don¡¯t seem to believe I love you, while I¡¯m the one who already said love, and you didn¡¯t.¡±


    But that¡¯s the thing, Neo¡­¡± Calo groans and lolls his head. ¡°How can you love me?¡±


    ¡°Because I just do! Do I have to have an explanation? Why do you like me?¡±


    ¡°Because you¡¯re awesome, funny, smart, you are you¡­¡±


    ¡°And all those things go for you too.¡± I tell him, forcing him to look at me. ¡°You too are funny, smart, charming, caring,¡± I sum up. ¡°But I don¡¯t know how much longer I can go on like this. You¡¯re trying to control me too much and for once I want to be the one in control over myself. You know I haven¡¯t been in control¡­ well¡­ ever.¡±


    ¡°I know, and it¡¯s not like I want to forbit you to do anything, really. I just find it heard to believe you love me, while we only know each other a couple of months. How can you even be sure you love me, and you¡¯re not just liking the attention?¡±


    ¡°Cay? You really need to shut up and listen to me,¡± I grumble, turning to face him, sending him a warning look to really shut him up. ¡°If I¡¯d be into the attention, I would feel the same about Angela and Carson. I would feel the same about Libby, I would feel the same about Prayaav. But I don¡¯t. All of them give me the same attention, and just like you, Angela and Carson did that from the start. That¡¯s the difference between you and them; I love you, I like them, as friends. Just because my heart tells me I do, okay?¡±


    ¡°right¡­ I guess that makes¡­ sense.¡±


    ¡°Good, because if you ever doubt my feelings for you again, I will break your nose. And you know I¡¯m capable of doing that.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re such a bad-ass.¡± He laughs loudly, and pulls me in a hug. ¡°You¡¯re allowed to hit me, as long as you won¡¯t leave me.¡±


    ¡°Well, I really wasn¡¯t planning on leaving you.¡± I hum, burying my face in the croak of his neck, while my arms slip around his waist. ¡°I really love you, Cay.¡±


    ¡°And I love you too, Mr. Favre.¡±


    I smirk, though he can¡¯t see it, and then sigh in content. ¡°Wanna go get an ice cream? Mom and I always get ice cream whenever we¡¯re in the park.¡±


    ¡°Let¡¯s get ice cream, then.¡± Calo nods, and catches my lips with his. ¡°I¡¯m truly sorry, and please accept an ice cream as a token of my appreciation for having you in my life.¡±


    ¡°Oh, I more then accept that.¡± I chuckle. ¡°Though you¡¯ll need to buy me tons of ice cream to make up for your annoying attitude in the past month.¡±


    He chuckles too, then shrugs, then gets up, pulling me towards my feet too. ¡°I¡¯ll make sure we have big enough of a freezer later, so I can get you all the ice cream you want.¡±


    ¡°We have a deal, Mr. Delgado.¡±


    We even shake hands officially and then laugh together, and I feel happy again, because at least he¡¯s trying.


    We¡¯re both trying to be the best version of ourselves. But I know Calo is troubled, and I¡¯m too, so I guess we¡¯ll have a lot to overcome together, but I¡¯m sure we¡¯ll manage to get through it together; as long as we keep communicating, and be honest to one another.


    He takes me to my favourite ice cream stand and get me my three favourite flavours; cherry, lemon and peach.


    We had back to the park, licking our ice creams, chatting about Calo¡¯s session with Dr. Fitzgerald, and my current sessions with his father. He tells me about his own conversations with his father, and the fact he started liking him, which he never did before. He always disliked his father, though he never knew exactly why he disliked him.


    He¡¯s still on rocky grounds with his mother, even though she tries to be there for him in every way possible.


    He feels suffocated by her, since she keeps checking on him to make sure he¡¯s fine. To me, it¡¯s logical after he tried to commit suicide at the beginning of the year, to him she¡¯s babying him.


    I don¡¯t think we¡¯ll agree about that soon.


    But at least we¡¯re both making progress, and that¡¯s all that matters.


    We¡¯ll be fine, eventually.

 Chapter 30 – Flawsome

    ¨C Three months later ¨C


    Friday, May 26<sup>th</sup>, 2017


    I have never been more nervous as I am tonight.


    It¡¯s not the fact I¡¯m about to publicly date Calo in front of the whole school, attending prom with him. It¡¯s not even the fact I¡¯m actually going to prom while I never expected to go in the first place.


    It¡¯s not the fact I dislike wearing a suit and it puts me slightly on edge because I feel itchy in it.


    It¡¯s not the fact Calo is late, because by now I¡¯m used to dating a guy who has absolutely no eye for punctuality whatsoever.


    It¡¯s the fact Calo told me he has a couple of surprises for tonight and despite my endless begging for him to tell what those surprises are, he didn¡¯t give out even the slightest hint to any of them.


    Since Calo just texted me he is about to head over to pick me up, I know I have about ten minutes left to feel nervous up until a point that I think I¡¯m going to be sick.


    Pyper¡¯s been giddy all day today, as she helped me pick out the suit, along with a bow-tie and everything that goes with getting ready for prom.


    She even made me put in effort to do my hair.


    Right now, she¡¯s smirking at me as mom is nervously fiddling with my polaroid camera ¨C I insisted on my parents taking at least two pictures with it ¨C while dad is reading a book during the wait for my late as ever boyfriend to arrive.


    He¡¯s going to take pictures with the digital camera that is mostly collecting dust because I simply prefer the old school polaroid pictures.


    They¡¯re way more awesome.


    ¡°Stop scratching your arm.¡± Pyper whisper screams at me, slapping my hand away from my arm. ¡°It¡¯s just Calo. You guys have been dating since January. You¡¯ll be fine.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ll be going to prom, with Calo,¡± I deadpan. ¡°Me, Neo Favre, is going to prom.¡±


    ¡°Yeah! I¡¯m so happy,¡± mom calls out happily. ¡°My boy is growing up.¡± She wipes away an invisible tear. ¡°But all jokes aside, honey, you are taking big steps ever since you met Calo and I¡¯m really happy to see how good you are doing lately.¡±


    ¡°So am I,¡± I agree with a smile, nodding along. I¡¯ve been able to tone down the compulsions up until a point I no longer have to skip steps on the stairs or tap the freaking light switch to the beat of ¡®we will rock you¡¯. I only tap it trice, shutting it off at the third hit. I only turn it off when I leave my room for more then a couple of minutes. I no longer hop into rooms, I only avoid cracks in the floor, but no lines.


    Lines are so much different from cracks in a floor.


    They¡¯re so much different, enabling me from actually joining in on P.E. for the first time ever without panicking.


    I no longer organize my stuff ¨C well, by colour; baby steps ¨C and I¡¯m no longer anxious about germs, just a bit on edge and I tend to scratch the part of skin that feels dirty.


    But Dr. Delgado ¨C or Martin, as I call him by now ¨C helped me to tackle them one by one, at a pace I was comfortable with.


    And ever since I persuaded him into guiding Calo at home, they both are doing way better.


    Calo hasn¡¯t had an episode in a month and the last only lasted a day and a half, instead of half a week or longer.


    Things are going great, and I couldn¡¯t be happier about anything, then the fact I met Calo the day he came to our school.


    He has been my saviour, and I¡¯d like to think I was his too.


    As if we were meant to end up together.


    And then there¡¯s the honk of a car, shortly followed by the doorbell and an impatient knock on our door.


    It¡¯s typically Calo; showing up late, only to be impatient when I¡¯m not opening the door within three seconds.


    I chuckle and jump up from my seat to let him in, instantly entranced by how handsome he looks in his suit.


    ¡°Hey there, cutie.¡± He smirks, pulling me closer as soon as he slid an arm around my middle, kissing me on my lips sweetly.


    ¡°Hey there, handsome.¡± I hum back with a small smile lingering in the corners of my lips. ¡°You look very good in that suit.¡±This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.


    ¡°As do you, my dear.¡± He wipes an invisibly dust particle off my shoulder, still keeping me close to him, pecking a couple kissed all over my face. ¡°And I¡¯ve got plenty of surprises for my lovely date.¡±


    I smirk, though I¡¯m really, really curious about those surprises.


    ¡°Picture time!¡± Mom breaks whatever moment of privacy we had, entering the hallway, dad following close behind her. We pose with the two of us, with mom, with both my parents while Pyper takes a picture, and we pose with his parents in the same small groups. Then he takes me outside, to show me he arranged a limo for us to ride to school with. Inside, I find Angela and Tommie already waiting for us, along with Libby and Carson.


    I greet them cheerfully as I scoot onto the seat, followed by Calo.


    ¡°Ready for prom?¡± Calo whispers after he pulled me in his arms.


    ¡°More then I¡¯ll ever was.¡± I nod, pecking a kiss on his jaw. ¡°As long as it¡¯s with you.¡±


    ¡°Good, same, Favre.¡± He smiles, answering my kiss with one of his own, this time on my lips. ¡°As long as I¡¯m with you.¡±


    Wednesday, June 14<sup>th</sup>, 2017


    I¡¯m nervously biting my nail, while watching towards the phone expectantly, nervously, frustrated. My eyes flicker back and forward between the phone and the clock, which currently states it is half past six in the evening.


    Mom is cooking dinner, and dad is in the garage with Calo, checking out the new car dad just got.


    Only half an hour left of this terrible suspension, awaiting my faith and finding out if I graduated or not.


    No phone call equals good news, a phone call would mean I¡¯d either have to retake some exams, or I failed overall.


    The last part isn¡¯t possible because I had good enough grades to not flunk overall, but I still needed to pass the exams anyway.


    For the entire day, Prayaav, Carson, Calo, mom and dad have been trying to distract me. Once Pyper got home from school we went to the park and I watched her, Prayaav, and Calo and most of his siblings play soccer ¨C I still don¡¯t like to run around and get sweaty, even though I did attend P.E. in the past weeks. If it¡¯s not obligated, I¡¯m not getting sweaty.


    I have been contemplating on getting a job, but since I still have tons of irky habits that I now feel comfortable with while executing, that¡¯ll still be a big challenge, and Martin told me not to focus on that just yet. He told me the next big thing to focus on, is moving out of my parents¡¯ home.


    Break free from my mother, and my need to always have her close. She went on a fieldtrip with my class to a museum to make sure I was okay, and I managed to survive without completely freaking out.


    Though I had been exhausted once I got home.


    And then there¡¯s the development in which I stayed over at the Delgado household on several occasions, Mrs. Delgado taking over all my mom¡¯s habits to make me feel home.


    The first time I slightly freaked out, but Martin managed to calm me down. The second time, Calo managed to do so, and the third time I was on edge, but getting used to it.


    By now, I can stay over without any problems, and that in itself is the biggest progress I made in my entire life. I didn¡¯t need my mom to calm down, and then I didn¡¯t need mom at all.


    Calo helped his mother to accommodate to my needs during dinner and breakfast, telling me he wanted to know how to handle things.


    And then he told me he wanted to know, because once we would move in together, he wanted to know how to handle it every day, for as long as I wanted.


    ¡°Stop biting your nails.¡± Calo warns me, leaning over from behind the couch to peck a kiss on my cheek, in one movement pulling away my hand from my face. ¡°You graduated. It¡¯s impossible you failed an exam.¡±


    ¡°You always think so highly of me, but I feel the need to remind you I am still human, and I still get to fail exams.¡±


    Calo chuckles, sliding onto the couch in a swift movement, pulling me in his arms to peck more kisses all over my face. ¡°To me, you are flawless.¡±


    ¡°Dear Calo, I¡¯m far from flawless.¡±


    ¡°I said, to me.¡±


    ¡°Even to you I¡¯m not flawless.¡± I laugh out, nudging him playfully. ¡°I have my flaws, but that¡¯s okay. They make me the person I am today, and I like that person.¡±


    ¡°So, you¡¯re flawsome?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m what now?¡± I laugh out louder, while I snuggle into his hold, still staring towards the phone expectantly, wondering when they¡¯ll call me to tell I need to retake one or two exams.


    ¡°Flawsome.¡±


    ¡°And what¡¯s that now? Another word you came up with yourself, or at least, gave a new meaning to like with Favre?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m telling you, Favre means all those good things.¡±


    ¡°It still means indecisive too.¡± I counter, shrugging a bit. ¡°But it fits me, I can be indecisive.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, but now you¡¯re flawsome, and there¡¯s no negative meaning to that word.¡±


    ¡°Then what does it mean?¡±


    ¡°Someone who is flawsome, embraces their flaws, still knowing they¡¯re awesome regardless of them.¡±


    ¡°See, now that¡¯sa word to describe me.¡± I chuckle. ¡°I can live with being flawsome.¡±


    ¡°Good, because I love every part about you, including your flaws. I love your irky habits and it almost saddens me you no longer jump into rooms.¡±


    I snort, nudging him a bit harder in his ribs. He gasps for air in shock, countering my attack by starting to tickle me, causing me to end up in a fit of laughter.


    ¡°Mercy, Calo!¡± I call out in between loud laughter, and he eventually lets go of me so I get to recover from the attack.


    ¡°I love you, Neo.¡±


    ¡°I love you too but do know that I¡¯m happy nobody is thinking of me as a prima ballerina any longer.¡± I wave a lecturing finger towards him. ¡°Or Faulty Favre.¡±


    ¡°Contradiction.¡± Calo pulls a face, and we both laugh a little. ¡°A Favre can never be faulty.¡±


    ¡°We¡¯re never going to agree on that.¡± I tell him with a smile on my face. ¡°And we¡¯re so going to take your name once we get married. Delgado is harder to match with negative words.¡±


    ¡°Dull Delgado, dumb Delgado¡­¡± Calo names, but falters after two.


    ¡°Faulty Favre, Freaky Favre, Failing Favre¡­¡±


    ¡°Now, that¡¯s not fair, faulty and failing are the same thing.¡±


    ¡°Faggy Favre¡­¡± I continue, until he covers my mouth, tackling me onto the couch.


    ¡°Enough. How about ¡°Freaking hot Favre, Flirty Favre, Fantastic Favre, Funny Favre¡­¡±


    ¡°Yeah, yeah!¡± I call out, words muffled by his hands. ¡°I got it! Positive thoughts!¡±


    ¡°Exactly.¡± Calo leans in and locks his lips with mine shortly, but I notice his eyes focussing on something else. ¡°It¡¯s six.¡±


    My eyes widen, and we stare at each other in silence for a couple of seconds, before we both grin widely, and then we cheer out, knowing we both graduated.


    I can finally move past my awful high school years, move on, go to college, and be as happy as I am now for years to come.


    No more reminders of bullying, or disrespectful teachers.


    Or at least, I hope. But knowing that Angela, Calo, Seino and Prayaav are all going to be in college with me, tells me I will be fine, because I will have my best friends close to me to keep me company.


    At least I won¡¯t be alone anymore.

 Epilogue

    Sunday, July 30<sup>th</sup>, 2017


    I¡¯m hurrying around the house like a chicken who¡¯d lost its head. I have no idea where to find everything that I need to take with me.


    Pyper, in the same time, has been doing practically the same, though she made a list she¡¯s checking things off, to make sure she won¡¯t forget anything.


    ¡°Give me that list.¡± I demand, stretching out my arm to take it from her. ¡°I¡¯ll get it back to you as soon as I¡¯ve written it down for myself.¡±


    ¡°No, you make your own lost. Mom helped me with mine. Go bother her.¡± Pyper counters, stuffing the paper into her pocket before sticking out her tongue. ¡°I don¡¯t have time to wait for you to copy it.¡±


    ¡°Pyper! You promised to help me!¡±


    ¡°Help you pick out outfits!¡± She calls after me since she left her bedroom to grab stuff in the bathroom.


    This vacation is going to be the death of me.


    It¡¯s too much stress.


    It really is.


    I¡¯ll be living from a suitcase for four freaking weeks and I¡¯m not sure I¡¯ll survive.


    Well, technically not a suitcase since we will have rooms with closets to unpack our stuff for the time being.


    The Delgado¡¯s are taking the four of us on a vacation in their summer residence in the mountains. I¡¯ll be sharing a room with Calo ¨C after hours full of discussions and arguments with both our parents.


    As if we never did stuff before. We were allowed to sleep together for the past seven months already, so why make a big deal out of this now?


    I won the discussion, finally, after I told my parents it be a great practise for once we would be ready to move out and rent a dorm room on campus.


    Calo is going to have a room already, but he requested no roommates because of my situation and his own.


    School didn¡¯t want to accommodate us in all of our needs and said Calo had no need for a private room. I did, but I wouldn¡¯t be moving to campus yet.


    Eventually, I signed up to room with him, though I¡¯m not going to live there for now. But it does mean Calo will have a two-person dorm room to his own, and I can stay over whenever the hell pleases me.


    And then we¡¯ll take baby steps, until I¡¯m ready to move out of my parental home, and we¡¯re both ready to move into a room together.


    Now we¡¯re allowed to share a room with en-suite bathroom and see for ourselves if it would work out to live together while we haven¡¯t been together for even a year.


    We don¡¯t even know each other for a year.


    But I¡¯ve been spending so much time together with him, that I feel as if I¡¯ve known him for entire life.


    And now they¡¯re taking us on vacation.This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it.


    And Pyper and I have never been on a vacation, ever, so this is huge and exciting. But we¡¯re both inexperienced with packing, so we¡¯re freaking out while we have hours ahead before we¡¯re leaving.


    I just don¡¯t want to forget anything.


    We¡¯ll be hours away from home so I don¡¯t just get to go home to pick up whatever I forgot.


    And therefor, I listen to Pyper, for once, and head over to mom to ask her to help me with a checklist of my own.


    One that accommodates my personal needs.


    She helps me write down whatever I need and tells me to lay out everything on the bed until I have everything, so that I can see that I did not forget anything.


    Besides, only then do I get to pack my bags in a decent way.


    She promises to help me check once I think I¡¯m done, and when I get back upstairs, Pyper took the liberty of grabbing stacks of clothes that she wants me to take with me.


    It¡¯s one of the few habits that I can¡¯t seem to get rid of; having Pyper picking out my clothes.


    I have three hours left until Calo, Lorenzo and Seino will pick me up, while Pyper and Yasmine ¨C who became close friends in the last months - will drive with our parents, so that Calo¡¯s parents get to drive with the rest of his siblings.


    I never realised how much planning a large family required, until I got closer to the Delgado family. Whenever they go out to do something with the family, they need at least two cars.


    But then again, I love their family and how big it is, and I¡¯m adamant about getting a big family myself one day.


    Calo still disagrees and wants to settle at three, but I bet I¡¯ll come up with more arguments to persuade him to adopt more.


    But it¡¯s not something I¡¯m all too serious about. I¡¯m only seventeen, and I have plenty of time left to work on a future.


    Let¡¯s work on the here and now first.


    And get the suitcase packed in time.


    And then we¡¯ll get to pounder over things further ahead in the future.


    * * * * *


    I¡¯ve been giddy and hyper active during the entire ride, I think annoying Calo a bit ¨C who rather wanted to sleep in the car.


    Seino, Lorenzo and I played a bunch of games to kill time, and we had to take multiple breaks because Lorenzo is the only chauffeur in our car. It¡¯s also the reason we left a little early compared to the rest, and we still arrive last.


    I kind of worry over the fact someone might have taken the bedroom they promised Calo and I could have, but on further inspection, that is still free. We share a large bedroom with double bed, a huge closet and indeed our own bathroom with bathtub ¨C I¡¯ll be sure to take a bath at least twice a week ¨C and we even have our own little balcony.


    I bed we have the master bedroom. It¡¯s impossible for another room to be even better.


    The house has a sauna, a gaming room and a huge living room, combined with a large kitchen and a long-ass table, with plenty of space for all of us to sit down.


    Mom and Mrs. Delgado decided to focus on the basics, like food and whatnot, while Martin and dad are discussing any possible activities for the next four weeks.


    ¡°Penny¡­¡±


    ¡°My thoughts are worth way more than a penny,¡± I tell Calo before he is able to finish his sentence. What I did not expect him to do, is tackle me to the bed.


    ¡°It¡¯s priceless,¡± he whispers, leaning over to connect our lips in a sweet kiss. ¡°Just as precious as your laugh.¡±


    ¡°Okay, what do you need?¡± I laugh out, and he stares at me with wide eyes, starting to tickle me as always.


    ¡°I don¡¯t need anything, other then a boyfriend that gives me love when I¡¯m sweet and charming.¡±


    ¡°But you¡¯re sweet and charming all the time!¡± I laugh out, trying to pry his hands off of me to make him stop tickling me.


    ¡°Then give me love, all the time!¡± He exclaims in the same way, and then hold me down to kiss me again, this time not allowing me to pull back until he decides the kiss if over.


    ¡°But that¡¯s exhausting.¡± I tease him some more as soon as he pulled back. ¡°I need to love myself too, you know. And I deserve lots of love¡­¡±


    ¡°So full of yourself.¡±


    I laugh out again, an only stop once he rolls us over to pull me in his arms protectively.


    ¡°Yes, you deserve all the love in the world,¡± he whispers sweetly, nuzzling his face into my neck. ¡°And I¡¯ll try and give you as much as you need, Neo.¡±


    ¡°Pinkie promise?¡±


    He laughs out, but eventually I feel him nod. And when he lifts his hand, raising his pinkie finger, I curl mine around his with a small smile. ¡°Pinkie promise.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re the best boyfriend anyone could wish for, Cay.¡±


    ¡°No, that¡¯s a lie.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s not.¡±


    ¡°It is, because you are the best.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not¡­¡±


    ¡°Yes, don¡¯t you remember?¡± Calo leans up to look me straight in the eye. ¡°We agreed flawsome was the best possibility. And you, Neo Favre, are flawsome.¡±