《Mourning Glory》 Sara I January 3rd, 2014 I like to daydream. I daydream I have the world¡¯s eyes on my fingertips. Then I would step out for a cigarette. The smoke escapes my lips and it catches a glimpse of heaven. The small light would be enough for the darkness. The light would shine bright, oh I wish I was that light in the night. Oh, how I wish for that cigarette. In other daydreams, I pretend the world didn¡¯t come to a stop the moment the golden child of this town died. It¡¯s been a year and a half now and everyone is still picking up the pieces. I¡¯ve lost my closest friends and I nearly lost my brother. There hasn¡¯t been a day where I wished Elizabeth was still here. I¡¯ve gone through hell and back and only now can I say I¡¯m able to stand on two feet. Depression is a beast worth conquering. My therapist likes to compare it to the ocean. Sometimes it¡¯s calm and soothing but there are days where the waves are unrelenting and unstoppable. I know she means well but sometimes I feel like she isn¡¯t sure what she¡¯s talking about. Still, it¡¯s a decent analogy however cliche it may be. I think about this as I walk to my next class. I¡¯m stopped when there are kids huddled around in a circle in the middle of the hallway. I don¡¯t get to see but I hear enough to know what¡¯s going on. Alex Elledge, a sophomore is arguing with another sophomore. It takes someone close by to tell everyone around us that the sophomore made fun of Alex¡¯s sister and he¡¯s trying to defend her. People move out of the way beside me when Alex is pushed through the crowd. The circle adapts and now I¡¯m in the center. If it was my brother, Andrew, fighting, it would already be over. It¡¯s boring and not worth my time and I head to class. Surprisingly, I¡¯m the first one there. No, I¡¯m wrong. I didn¡¯t notice Jana sitting in the corner by the windows. She¡¯s staring at her desk without a smile or a frown. Her brother was just outside defending her and yet she sulks like she always does. I sit down at the front as everyone else starts to come into class. They¡¯re all gossiping about the fight. With it being the first day of the new semester, it¡¯s not surprising that our teacher starts us off with a quick reading of the syllabus. Intro to music theory, an elective class where all we do is study music and how it¡¯s written and played. It¡¯s been a while but the teacher actually makes us all stand in a circle and introduce ourselves. She says, ¡°The best way to understand music is to understand each other¡¯s reasons for liking music.¡± When it¡¯s my turn, I¡¯m forced to say, ¡°My name is Sara and I want to study music because it helps me fall asleep.¡± It¡¯s a half truth. I do need music to fall asleep soundly, but that¡¯s not why I¡¯m in this class. I took it so I can get a better understanding on how to play the guitar Virginia got me for Christmas last year. I¡¯m decent at it now, but I know I can get better. The last person to go is Jana but she refuses to speak. ¡°Jana if you aren¡¯t going to participate you¡¯re in the wrong class,¡± the teacher says. ¡°Tell us why you love music.¡± Jana moves her bangs out of her eyes and I get a clear look at her face. She¡¯s really the one who hasn¡¯t moved on from Elizabeth. ¡°I don¡¯t fucking love music, I use it to escape,¡± Jana says. All eyes are on the teacher to see what¡¯s going to happen next. The teacher, Mr. Weber is known to be a bit strict, one of the few teachers who are in this forsaken school. He¡¯s not well liked, but not disliked either. He¡¯s just kind of been there, never really a big bother to anyone. Everyone in class must think that he¡¯s gonna send her to the dean. I watch him gulp down his saliva as he¡¯s about to yell. ¡°Can you please rephrase that? And start with your name please, like everyone else.¡± Jana looks down at her eyes then back at Mr. Weber, then a little bit to the left, unable to look him in the eyes. ¡°My name is Freyja and I use music to run away.¡± A few of the kids looks at each other confused on why Jana used a fake name. Mr. Weber himself looks at his attendance sheet and then nods at Jana. I don¡¯t none of us has ever heard Jana¡¯s real name before. ¡°Hey, but you¡¯re Jana Kramer,¡± One of the guys say. Jana, or rather Freyja is already back in her seat. ¡°Oh come on, you really think Alex and her have different last names?¡± Someone else says. ¡°Wait so why is she known as Jana Kramer?¡± A girl asks. I think I was told once. Jana liked to quote the real Jana Kramer and sing her songs all the time. She has been known as Jana Kramer ever since her character was introduced in One Tree Hill and no one really knew her real name. It was sort of an inside joke that everyone was in, even the teachers. My last class of the day is Spanish IV, a class I¡¯ve always shared with Jana, er, Freyja since our freshman year. Funny how I¡¯m just catching myself talking about Freyja a lot now. I never had paid attention to her before, like ever. There was a night when Elizabeth invited her to play a game with us but that was the only time I ever talked to her. Now she¡¯s this recluse that never talks to anyone. It reminds me a lot of how I used to be but it still doesn¡¯t explain why I¡¯m fixated on her. Freyja used to be real cute. I used to have a crush on her. I think I still do. I think I¡¯ve known about it since I started paying attention to her exactly a year ago.The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation. ¡°Sara!¡± Grace yells at me. We¡¯re walking home after school and I haven''t replied to a single word that Gracie has said. Andrew walks besides us smoking a cigarette. It¡¯s the only thing he¡¯s able to smoke now as her mom doesn¡¯t allow Andrew to be on any drugs. Grace then repeats herself, ¡°When Mom takes you Downtown today, can you pick up some records to listen to?¡± ¡°Fuck your vinyl,¡± Andrew exhales his smokes. ¡°Okay. Anything in mind?¡± I ask. ¡°No. Your taste in music is better.¡± Back at home I do homework I was assigned for my first period class real quick as I wait for Virginia to come from work. I could hear the TV downstairs from Andrew and the phone conversation Grace is having with a friend in her room next door. When I¡¯m done, I head over to my computer to check social media. I¡¯ve been doing good to not be active on it as much, but sometimes it''s fun to see what everyone is up to. Andrew is still creeping on every girl¡¯s facebook as usual. Grace is becoming more popular as she finds friends who actually like her. I still haven¡¯t posted anything in a year. When I go through my profile, I notice that Emily has unfriended me. It must have been when she left Darkwood for the last time. I can still remember the words she told me, ¡°I don¡¯t want to be apart of this town anymore, so this is goodbye.¡± I haven¡¯t seen her since. I haven¡¯t talked to her since. I lost my best friend because of the actions of others. I get off and lay down on my bed. Looking into the past isn¡¯t good for me. It brings me back, it makes me sad. The negative thoughts are quickly repelled by Virginia¡¯s text. She¡¯s here. ¡°It¡¯s been a while, Sara,¡± Dr. Fonseca breaks the ice. It¡¯s been three weeks since I¡¯ve seen here. There¡¯s a lot that I want to talk about. ¡°How was your holidays? I hope it was well. Have you relapsed at all?¡± ¡°No,¡± I say at first unsure of my answer. Then I think about it and become sure. ¡°No, Christmas was great.¡± ¡°What did you guys do?¡± ¡°Mom made us a special dinner, like Thanksgiving but without the nasty turkey. I think that was the first day she didn¡¯t fight with Andrew, er, rather he didn¡¯t fight with her. She was really happy that day, y¡¯know? It¡¯s like she¡¯s finally accepting us as a whole family because all of hers is either dead or estranged. Virginia deserves to be happy, she¡¯s really trying for us to be.¡± ¡°That¡¯s wonderful to hear, Sara,¡± she smiles. Dr. Fonseca has this dimple that compliments her smile well. The doctor herself is a pretty woman in her thirties. The ring on her finger tells me she¡¯s married but I¡¯m unsure if she has any kids. ¡°What about New Years, how was that?¡± ¡°Boring. Only Grace celebrated it. Andrew called her stupid for doing so and Mom took away his TV for the day so I thought that was funny.¡± ¡°Today you went back to school, how was it? Is everyone still leaving you alone?¡± ¡°Boring, nothing has changed really.¡± Dr. Fonseca finally writes something on her Ipad. She only does it when I¡¯ve said something concerning. It used to be for everything but this far along in our sessions I think she¡¯s mellowed out. ¡°Is there anything you want to talk about?¡± ¡°Today I found out Jana Kramer¡¯s real name. It¡¯s Freyja Elledge. It¡¯s a pretty name, but she doesn¡¯t talk to anyone anymore. Part of me thinks it''s because she still isn¡¯t over Elizabeth¡¯s suicide. But I think I know the real reason.¡± ¡°And why¡¯s that?¡± ¡°When Elizabeth died, she brought the school''s social hierarchy down with her. Everyone was so focused on answers that nobody gave a shit about being popular for a while. People started seeing through all the bullshit and I think Jana, er, Freyja saw who her friends actually were. So now that everything''s back to normal, she doesn¡¯t want to go back. It¡¯s sad really. It¡¯s like I see a lot of myself in her and I want to do something about it but I don¡¯t know how,¡± I pause to allow Dr. Fonseca to speak, but she doesn¡¯t. ¡°I think I¡¯ve always wanted to but I just get so scared. Her brother, Alex got in a fight when some other guy was smearing her name. If he¡¯s still fighting for her, why can¡¯t I?.¡± ¡°Did you notice because you feel like you can help her or because you¡¯re afraid history will repeat itself?¡± ¡°Did you know the suicide rate in Darkwood is shockingly high for a small town? ¡°I am aware, yes.¡± ¡°There''s a total average of 3 per year. The thing is it''s mostly adults in their thirties and forties. Two years ago was the only teenager in the last five years. Then there was that married couple last year. The internet has dubbed us ¡®the cursed town.¡¯ Not that I blame them.¡± ¡°Are you afraid you¡¯ll end up on that list?¡± ¡°No. I¡¯m just stating a fact. I haven¡¯t had a suicidal thought in months. What I¡¯m saying is that I can bring that average down. Maybe. I don¡¯t know. But I have to do something.¡± ¡°Sara, you¡¯re not obligated to do anything. You can''t help others while you yourself are being helped. You can¡¯t love without loving yourself first.¡± Those words piss me off because I know it¡¯s not true. I know she means well, it¡¯s just sometimes I feel she¡¯s bad at her job. ¡°I don¡¯t think I need the help anymore. I¡¯ve been fine for a long time now. I¡¯m completely off medication now and look at me. I feel normal for once.¡± ¡°Sara. Depression isn¡¯t something that just goes away.¡± On my way home, I look at the record I bought for Grace. It¡¯s an old Pink Floyd vinyl. I¡¯m sure she¡¯ll love it. I look over to the sidewalk when Virginia stops at a light. It¡¯s been a bit over a year since Virginia took me in to live with her and her daughter. She¡¯s one of my angels. If it wasn¡¯t for her, I don¡¯t think I would be here by now. At first, she was more like a prison guard, but she was never cruel. She helped me get sober and help me pick up the pieces. And now she¡¯s helping my brother ever since our father was arrested. She¡¯s done so much for us and hasn¡¯t asked for anything in return. I love her. I think about the past once more even though I shouldn¡¯t. It¡¯s really all I could do as the ride back to Darkwood takes 30 minutes. I think about the week in the hospital where Emily was spending recovering from her gunshot injury. I think about how she ghosted everyone after that and left for New York. Everything that was hanging by a thread was ripped apart that night. It¡¯s a miracle no one died. Ever since then, I¡¯ve been working to get back to normal, whatever normal is. My phone vibrates notifying someone tagged me on Facebook. It¡¯s a video posted on our class¡¯ Facebook group. Another video from Bo. Bo is the newspaper club and likes to record parties and make videos out of them. That¡¯s what I at least think when I press the notification to take me to the video. No. This is something much more. Sara II The video is almost two hours long. It¡¯s almost like a movie, almost like a documentary, but definitely a nightmare. Titled, ¡®The Elizabeth Truth¡¯ the video is already been seen by everyone in school and shared outside the group where it¡¯s made its way public. Grace is the first one to ask me about it but I don¡¯t know what to tell her. I give her the vinyl record and go to my room to watch it. Andrew is already midway through but he restarts it just for us. The video itself is very simple. Bo explains that this is his life¡¯s work that took him months to complete. Through this video, he hopes that he found the answers we have all been looking for: the reason why Elizabeth killed herself. Bo recaps who Elizabeth was. She was the queen bee, the top dog, and Ms. Untouchable. This wasn¡¯t anything new, no, Bo went into detail about who Elizabeth was; going down to who her mother and father were and even mentioning the divorce and remarriage. We knew all of this by the snippets she told us, but Bo tells it all. Everything is there, from her childhood to her drug-addicted disowned brother. Bo has done his research and concluded that everything started when she began to date Cody, Emily old childhood friend. He used to be part of our friend group before everything went to shit. This is where the video clips that Bo had captured started to play out. It¡¯s terrifying, really. Bo depicts Elizabeth as this girl who got drunk at every party to escape this dread she had. Through the clips, he exposes the friendship Elizabeth had with us that she never made public although everyone already had their suspicions. There are clips of inside Emily¡¯s house that were taken from outside of the times we would all get together. They¡¯re creepy. Bo was stalking her all along, but the comments never focused on that fact. The clips show Elizabeth smoking weed with us, and even doing lines of coke with me at parties where we thought it was private. There are interviews with her former friends and everyone that wanted to be in the video. They either praise the girl or hate her. Either way, the entire purpose is to get to know who Elizabeth was. I remember I was once asked but declined because I thought it wouldn¡¯t lead to anything and quickly forgot about it. Then there¡¯s this scene that has never been on any of Bo¡¯s video recaps from Facebook. He must have never made it public because of this project. I skip over the video every minute to see if the party changes. It doesn¡¯t until the last fifteen minutes. I go back and start watching again. Bo has Elizabeth alone during the Jana Kramer party two summers ago, a party people still try to recreate. They¡¯re both outside near the streets. ¡°It¡¯s all bullshit,¡± Elizabeth says, well I guess said. ¡°What is?¡± Elizabeth is clearly drunk. I can see her mascara running and she¡¯s a complete mess. ¡°Living,¡± she laughed. ¡°It¡¯s just one big joke. It doesn¡¯t mean anything.¡± ¡°What do you mean by that?¡± Elizabeth takes a drink out of her cup and then throws it on the ground where the rest of it spills. I don¡¯t even think she¡¯s conscious. ¡°What I mean is that, uh, um,¡± Elizabeth is hard to understand, she¡¯s slurring too much. ¡°It¡¯s bullshit. It¡¯s just. Meaningless. What¡¯s the point when everything around you is shit?¡± Elizabeth is frowning. In the short five seconds that the camera focuses on her, I can clearly see her pain. It¡¯s familiar. I can¡¯t put words to it yet. For now, all I can think of is suffering but it¡¯s not the right word. No. It¡¯s dreadful suffering. Elizabeth hides it well, but so do I. Maybe that¡¯s why I can see it. Bo said, ¡°I still don¡¯t get it. Are you okay?¡± Elizabeth laughs a little bit. ¡°Everyone around us is bullshitting each other, Bo! Everyone¡¯s a snake! Nobody is ever real.¡± ¡°And that¡¯s a bad thing?¡± The camera shifts focus to the people behind Elizabeth. Two random girls throwing up. Elizabeth looks over and scoffs. The camera focuses back on Elizabeth. ¡°He called me blue flower¡­¡± there were about ten seconds of their silence as the music fills the background. Bo stops the video to add his own commentary. ¡°I found her words to be creepy and unsettling like she had lost her mind. Of course, she was pretty drunk at this point so at the time I thought nothing of it. I looked up the meaning of what she meant and a blue flower represents peace and tranquility. Did she mean she was at peace with her suicide at that point? To be honest, I dug too deep into this and it didn¡¯t really make much sense. However, I noticed she mentioned the word ¡®he¡¯. He called me blue flower. There was only one person Elizabeth was seeing at that point, and that was Cody. Cody has now long graduated and trying to reach out for comment was nearly impossible.¡± The video cuts to The Crocodile¡¯s entrance; A venue where artists play live.The author''s tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon. Bo buys a ticket and there are several cuts of the crowd and eventually of Cody performing on stage. The video doesn¡¯t focus on it as much and then it cuts to Bo catching Cody outside. Cody refuses to comment. The video cuts back to where it was left off. The scene repeats itself, with Elizabeth saying, ¡°He called me blue flower¡­¡± and again there are five seconds of silence. ¡°How much have you had to drink?¡± ¡°A blue flower,¡± Elizabeth laughs, then sadly throws up shortly after. The video cuts to Elizabeth and her friends teasing a girl I don¡¯t know, causing her to run away inside the woodland forest of Darkwood. We¡¯ve all seen this part. Elizabeth and her friends come back twenty minutes later as nothing happens but this time Bo points to the blood on Elizabeth¡¯s shoe. Nobody actually knew what happened to the girl although there were hundreds of rumors. Bo confirms who the girl was and how she moved towns shortly after. She was never known to be a bully. Yeah, there were times were she could be a bitch but she was friendly to everyone. That¡¯s one of the reasons why she was so admired. Bo just goes out to show just how much Elizabeth was hiding. With the video only having twenty minutes left, the video only has two major things to show as Bo states. One is the follow-up video he made with Elizabeth after she bullied the girl. ¡°Why did you do it?¡± Bo asks. They¡¯re inside this time. Elizabeth is nearly passed out on the couch in the living room with Bo standing in front of her. The party has died down and is on its last legs. Bo spent this time mostly observing the room. All the comments around this time noted how Jana Kramer''s house had a lot of religious imagery. ¡°Because I¡¯m a piece of shit,¡± Elizabeth laughs. ¡°Because I¡¯m a piece of shit,¡± Elizabeth repeats again, but in a soft whisper this time. ¡°Why does anyone even like me?¡± ¡°Because you¡¯re insanely hot?¡± ¡°Bo, are you hitting on me?¡± Elizabeth¡¯s drunk laughter is distracting. It is sort of hard to watch because it feels wrong; she is dead now so it feels taboo. ¡°Uh, no?¡± ¡°Why do you like me then?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know. You¡¯re popular. Everyone wants to be your friend.¡± ¡°Those are all superficial reasons.¡± ¡°Then¡­¡± Bo pauses. In the video, I notice my brother is making out with some girl in the background. Elizabeth looks over for a second. ¡°You¡¯re pretty. That¡¯s why.¡± ¡°See, you¡¯re so fake. Everyone is so fucking fake,¡± Elizabeth laughs. ¡°And if I were to die tomorrow, would you be sad?¡± ¡°Of course.¡± Elizabeth looks over to my brother, then back at the camera. ¡°And if I had a kid, would you still find me pretty?¡± This confirms that Elizabeth knew then that she was pregnant with Andrew, something we never found out until much later. Bo questions this, making a theory that Cody was the father but her odd glances at my brother changes his theory to him. I don¡¯t think anyone besides my group knew, and now it is public knowledge. ¡°Why are you saying all of this?¡± ¡°Because my angel in the white dress is disappointed in me.¡± The last scene is of her final hour. I think this is the hardest thing to watch. Not only because of what it contains but because I was also responsible. I can¡¯t ever deny that fact. I gave her the drugs. All the lines, the pills, and the weed. It¡¯s all me. Bo this investigation on what exactly went down at our party. First, Ellie got fucked up. Second, she told everyone either she loved them or hated them. Third, she disappeared for ten minutes. Bo later finds her sitting with us and records the last moments we were all together. She leaves and goes to the bathroom. Elizabeth leaves and is clearly not conscious at this point as people try to talk to her but she never responds. Bo catches her leaving the house and coming back five minutes later. He notes that this is where she got the gun as this is the only time she has her purse. Elizabeth looks catatonic, or apathetic whichever fits better as we all try to interact with her but she just shrugs us off. Out of nowhere, she starts calling the name of one of her friends but it takes a while for her to get there. ¡°Girl, you¡¯re a mess, let¡¯s take you home.¡± ¡°No.¡± Elizabeth visibly takes hold of something inside her purse. Then Grace out of nowhere turns around and hurls on Elizabeth, causing her to run out to the woods where eventually, everyone found her dead. Gracie was still just a freshman, her first day too. She had no friends and didn¡¯t know anybody. She wanted to apologize but all she got was Elizabeth shooting herself in the head right in front of her. Bo stops the video here and says that all this footage has been shown to the police although it never really lead anyone. Bo proposes his theory. Elizabeth, in a state of insanity due to her drug addiction planned on killing her friend for all the bullshit to reset. This all came from the newfound stress of finding out she was pregnant and her loss of control. He blames me and my brother, Cody, Emily, our friend Chris, and everyone else who was involved with her discovery of said drugs. ¡°I can¡¯t confirm that everything shown in this video is factual, but it¡¯s my best hypothesis on the suicide of Elizabeth Wilson.¡± The video ends. Sara III January 4th, 2014 Andrew snickers the second we all enter the school together. Everyone¡¯s on their phones, laughing, talking, and enjoying themselves like nothing is wrong. Some of them look at us, and some of them don¡¯t. ¡°What a bunch of assholes,¡± Andrew says walking ahead of us, ¡°See you guys at lunch.¡± Grace sighs, ¡°Bo¡¯s the real asshole. Who does he think he is telling everyone that you guys made Ellie crazy.¡± ¡°Grace, will you be okay?¡± I look at her, she¡¯s staring ahead without a care in the world. I know having Elizabeth kill herself in front of Grace has been hard on her, but she stands strong. ¡°I¡¯ll be fine, nothing I never handled before. See you at lunch, ¡®kay Sara?¡± ¡°Yeah,¡± I smile back as I watch the girl who became my little sister enter the mess of a hall. I think about all the comments under the video after everyone had watched it. Everyone seems to be on Bo¡¯s side and is blaming us for what happened. I get it, we fucked up but it wasn¡¯t entirely on us. We never gave her the gun, we never gave her those thoughts. It doesn¡¯t matter because I can feel the judgmental eyes some of the seniors are giving me. They pierce through my skin, like needles and I know someone is just gonna give me shit about it. It doesn¡¯t take long as before I can enter my first class I¡¯m stopped by Amanda Myers. She doesn¡¯t say anything, which forces me to say, ¡°What do you want?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t want anything, I just wanted you to know that the whole world knows what you and your little group of drug addicts did. Everyone¡¯s lives would be better if it was you instead of her,¡± Amanda leaves before I can say anything back. I sit in the back row of the class this time. Amanda¡¯s words play over my head one more time. I know it wasn¡¯t my fault. I know I shouldn¡¯t feel bad about it. I didn¡¯t have control over it and no one could have known. I close my eyes as I think through this but the knot in my chest only gets tighter. Fuck. Amanda wishes she could live up to the shadow Elizabeth left behind. She¡¯s no queen like Ellie was. No one could replace what she represented; the incorruptible light. Not until we got through to her, at least. I take a deep breath just like Dr. Fonseca has told me countless times. I think through things one step at a time. I am not my thoughts. Everything that has happened led me to this and I¡¯m a better person for it. But still¡­ ¡°It¡¯s bullshit!¡± Grace almost yells at the lunch table. We¡¯re back here again, going through another day just to get by. ¡°Those fucking freshmen think it¡¯s funny to call me Brainguts, and it¡¯s just them too.¡± Andrew just looks bored and uninterested. Andrew takes a drink of his energy drink and looks over some of the student council putting up posters. ¡°Just tell them I¡¯ll fucking murder them if they try anything on you, okay?¡± ¡°Violence doesn¡¯t solve everything, Andrew.¡± ¡°It should.¡± ¡°Why do you look so bored, don¡¯t you care?¡± Andrew scratches his head and chuckles to himself. He¡¯s always so carefree, it¡¯s one of the things I want to be. ¡°Nah. It¡¯s still all rumors. No one knows what happened, not even us, so why does it matter?¡± I look over to the posters the student council made. ¡®Party Hearty¡¯, the annual valentine¡¯s day dance. There wasn¡¯t one last year, but here it is this year like the world moves on. Everything moves on. I thought I did. The knot gets tighter. My brother takes a look at me and must have noticed how I¡¯m feeling right now. There¡¯s no way he hasn¡¯t, Andrew is far from being dumb. He doesn¡¯t say anything and continues talking to Grace while I stay silent. He probably doesn¡¯t want to put me in the spotlight. That alone takes some weight off. I start to daydream again. I smoke a pack through the night with a glass of wine. I stare at the night sky and realize that I fall. My lips brush against the tip of the grass. I kiss it gently then I get back up. The wind blows gently through my back. It causes my hair to fly and cover my face. She comes from behind and covers my eyes with her hands. She giggles and says, ¡°Guess who?¡± like we¡¯re five. Her laugh makes my shine and I turn around to see her. She wears a red and white flannel top. Her hair slicked back, shining bright. This girl has no name, I haven¡¯t ever seen her in my life but that''s what makes it so right. She takes a cigarette and lights it right up. She says, ¡°A light in the darkness.¡± And I¡¯m like, ¡°Can I get a light?¡± I pull out a cigarette and she lights a match. She burns through the cigarette and I say ¡°It may get you sick, but I¡¯ll never get sick of it.¡± She smiles. I¡¯m brought back to the real world when Andrew slams on the table. ¡°Hey this isn¡¯t Myspace, you just can¡¯t ask me that Grace.¡± ¡°Ask you what?¡± I ask. ¡°I asked him if he¡¯s ever been in love.¡± ¡°Have you?¡± Andrew scoffs. It¡¯s a good question. I¡¯m his twin sister and so far I¡¯m the only one he loves. I don¡¯t think he has ever talked about his feelings about a girl. ¡°Fuck no, I¡¯m not about that gay shit.¡± ¡°Didn¡¯t you talk about that girl you met last summer? What happened to her?¡± I say remember a day when he described to me a girl who got on his nerves. He said she got under his skin which is something nobody can do easily. ¡°Fuck that bitch. I¡¯ll never like a girl enough to give a shit about her.¡± ¡°That¡¯s sexist,¡± Grace comments. ¡°Misogynistic, Grace,¡± Andrew corrects her. It¡¯s during my last class when I think about everything again. I tend to overthink things and run them through a loop. I haven¡¯t had an episode in a long time if I can even call it that. Yet even though it¡¯s been a while, I still know how they start. I get anxious and through that anxiety, I start to crumble. Sometimes it can be bad enough to the point where I can¡¯t even get out of bed. So to stop my toy train of thought, I think about falling in love. I¡¯ve never been in love, just like Andrew. It doesn¡¯t help that I¡¯m gay, it limits my options quite a bit. I get crushes on girls and I know I¡¯m confident enough to act on them but I never met another gay girl in this school. It¡¯s one of the cons of living in a small town. The only kiss I ever had with another girl was from Elizabeth in my freshman year. I think she just wanted to see what it would feel like. I just wanted to know if I liked it or not. She apologized for it later and that¡¯s how we became friends. I knew I was gay then but I hid it for longer than I should have, mostly because of Andrew. He¡¯s always been a homophobe and I was afraid he wouldn¡¯t see me as a sister anymore. Luckily, Andrew always knew and just let me be me. He wasn¡¯t surprised at all when I finally managed to tell him. He was just relieved I finally came out. Still, that single fear of losing my brother forced me to get a boyfriend just to put up a facade. Now that I¡¯m free from all that, I kind of forgot that it¡¯s something I wanted. To have someone to care for, like, deeply.You could be reading stolen content. Head to the original site for the genuine story. I like watching romantic comedies more than anything. It¡¯s silly but sometimes I replace the guy character with myself because the actresses are all so hot. The stories are cheesy but they have a way of getting to me. After they¡¯re over I feel lonely but it never really bothered me much. It¡¯s the part of me that knows that I¡¯m still really young that keeps that loneliness at bay. The other part of me is just impatient and wants to meet that girl from my daydreams. I don¡¯t even know why I daydream about smoking cigarettes. I find them to be disgusting. January 6th, 2014 It doesn¡¯t work. I wake up not wanting to get out of bed. I don¡¯t want to go outside today. I¡¯m small and selfish like everyone I know. I hope they die because so will I, when I crash from way up there, on the rising sun. Whenever I felt like this I always had someone to talk to. It was either Virginia or Emily, but Emily wants nothing to do with us anymore. Virginia leaves for work before we¡¯re even all awake and doesn¡¯t come back until late at night. I don¡¯t think Andrew could help and Grace wouldn¡¯t understand. I don¡¯t want to lie here alone. The room is still dark as the sun hasn¡¯t begun to rise. I can hear Andrew¡¯s music from his room and Grace¡¯s bedroom light shines through the small opening of my door. This is where I should be doing the same; getting ready for school. I just can¡¯t find the energy to do so. It¡¯s almost like I¡¯m underwater again and unable to drown but still unable to breathe. It¡¯s limbo. It¡¯s awful. I thought I had conquered this feeling. It just shows how weak I am in the end. I spent all this time trying to escape the past only to be brought back in. As I try to fall back asleep I can only remember all the bad parts. I start to daydream about being back in my old house and getting ready for school. I would stare at myself naked in the bathroom mirror pondering whether Elizabeth made the right choice. I would do this before and after school. Andrew would never be home and so that just left me alone with our drunken father. His voice echoes through my mind as I hear him yelling my name. And then¡­ And then¡­ I ran away from it all. I remember that. Dr. Fonseca has tried for a long time to get me to remember what I did when I ran away. But here I am, daydreaming about everything that I endured just to hear where I¡¯m finally safe. - In the end, I decide to go to school although I do miss my first class. I go through it on autopilot; I¡¯m not there. Then again, that''s how I am usually. I only really pay attention when I sit with my friends at lunch. I don¡¯t turn off autopilot for today, however. The only thing I catch is Grace wanting to go to her friend''s party tonight. Virginia, any other day wouldn¡¯t let her. Yet today she says yes. ¡°Go with Sara and Andrew and don¡¯t drink too much.¡± Andrew is the most surprised out of all. ¡°Wait really?¡± ¡°Look, I was a kid too once, I get it. Andrew, if you so much get in trouble or come home drunk I swear!¡± Andrew laughs, ¡°I can¡¯t promise that, Virginia.¡± ¡°Sara is gonna watch over the both of you, don¡¯t break my trust.¡± ¡°Okay,¡± I say. The topic changes as we all continue with our dinner. Grace is the first one to excuse herself to get ready. I drift off wondering if I¡¯m in some sort of movie. I don¡¯t think real families all have a set time to have diner, yet here I am. This is how it¡¯s been every night since I lived here. Andrew is the second to go which leaves me alone with my adoptive mother. ¡°You won¡¯t drink, will you?¡± she asks. ¡°No, I¡¯ll take care of them.¡± ¡°You okay? You seem down lately.¡± ¡°I¡¯m fine, just a headache,¡± I lie as I finish the last of the lasagna she made for the day. I get up and take my plate as well as Grace¡¯s and Andrew¡¯s over to the dishwasher. Virginia stops me halfway through, ¡°It¡¯s okay, I got it for tonight. Get ready for tonight, you kids deserve a night out.¡± ¡°Why today? You know how Darkwood gets.¡± ¡°Which is why I want you to watch over those two.¡± Virginia lets me use the car for the night under the condition I don¡¯t drink. It¡¯s a reasonable one, but I fully expect Andrew to not listen to her. It just isn¡¯t possible to no get drunk in one of Darkwood¡¯s now infamous parties. The atmosphere is what gets you, you just have to drink. I remember a time when it didn¡¯t matter what the day was, someone somewhere always had a party going on. There were weeks when we would go to one every day. That changed when Ellie died but it only really lasted for a couple of months. It¡¯s been months since I¡¯ve been to one. I know Andrew sneaks out and goes to a few from time to time. Grace seems to join him sometimes. Their rebellious nature is what makes the two click while I sometimes feel like the distance between me and Grace gets wider. The parties at one of the rich kid''s houses near the edge of town. It¡¯s been ages since I¡¯ve been to this side of town. Andrew gets out and claps his hands, ¡°Alright girls, let¡¯s fuck this place up.¡± Hearing those words put a knot inside me, making me anxious. It¡¯ll be boring if I don¡¯t drink as I¡¯ll just feel like a mom watching over Grace. The thought hasn¡¯t occurred to me until now that I don¡¯t want to be here. ¡°Don¡¯t start a fight, Andrew,¡± Grace warns him as we all walk up to the house. The music is loud but not enough to disturb the neighbors even though their house is about a mile away. I¡¯m exaggerating but I expected it to be a rager like every other I¡¯ve been to. Instead, it¡¯s just people from school all playing party games and not doing anything crazy. I only greet the people I recognize and like. I stand by a wall watching everyone else like a loser. Only someone who¡¯s a virgin to these parties does this, but I¡¯m not drinking so what choice do I have? Andrew notices and walks over to me with two drinks in his hands. ¡°What? It¡¯s just one, you¡¯ll be fine in an hour,¡± he says after he sees the look I give him. ¡°Don¡¯t be a bitch.¡± ¡°You know I can¡¯t drink even if I wanted to.¡± Andrew scoffs, ¡°It¡¯s not gonna fucking kill you, it¡¯s literally one beer.¡± ¡°Fine,¡± I sigh, taking the drink from his hand. It¡¯s a Blue Moon from its taste. It¡¯s nowhere near my favorite, but it¡¯ll do. As I take another drink one of my classmates comes up to me. ¡°You seriously showed your face after what you did?¡± Andrew¡¯s with me, he¡¯ll handle it. But after he doesn¡¯t respond, I look over to him who¡¯s not even paying attention. He¡¯s too busy talking to some girl. ¡°Go home, no one wants you here.¡± ¡°Fuck off,¡± I know I can come back with something better but I¡¯ll rather not start a scene. I just want to get this night over with so I don¡¯t half to do anything tomorrow or Sunday. ¡°It should¡¯ve been you that killed herself.¡± Those words piss me off enough to be placed underwater again. I let him get to me which is the last thing I wanted. I finish my drink as I go to the kitchen where there¡¯s more. I find Grace is already a bit drunk with her friends. She¡¯s the leader of their group, something that could never imagine when I first met her. It makes me happy watching her have so many friends. She used to be a sheltered girl that didn¡¯t know much, but now look at her. I take another drink. Then another. The world starts to spin really fast. It¡¯s not like I care anyways. Andrew will drive us, he¡¯s really good at that. I find myself sitting down against the wall giggling to myself for no reason. Perhaps it¡¯s the idea that I disobeyed Virginia for the first time in forever. Still, the world will keep spinning despite that fact. ¡°You seem to be having a good time,¡± a girl sits next to me. She¡¯s pretty, like really pretty. Or I could be drunk and I can¡¯t see really well. Yeah, I¡¯m drunk, I can¡¯t see her really well so I¡¯ll imagine she¡¯s pretty. ¡°What are you doing here? I don¡¯t see you in these things anymore.¡± ¡°Does it matter?¡± I laugh, also stuttering I¡¯m sure. She laughs, it feels good. ¡°I guess not. I¡¯m glad you came, Sara.¡± ¡°Uh, do I know you?¡± I think the girl frowns, I¡¯m not too sure. ¡°It doesn¡¯t matter,¡± she says. ¡°It¡¯s all bullshit anyways. That¡¯s what Ellie said, didn¡¯t she? She¡¯s right. We¡¯re all bullshitting each other,¡± ¡°It wasn¡¯t my fault.¡± ¡°I know. I¡¯m not blaming anyone.¡± ¡°What are you doing here?¡± The girl giggles. ¡°I don¡¯t even know. I just wanted to escape. Doesn¡¯t work out that well, does it?¡± I look over at what she¡¯s wearing. It¡¯s all white and I have to rub my eyes to figure out it¡¯s a dress. I have to rub my eyes again because no one in their right mind would wear a white dress to a house party. I¡¯m delusional, she¡¯s just wearing jeans with a black sweatshirt. I find myself even drunker with more drinks in my hand. I don¡¯t remember what happened after sitting down on the floor. I¡¯m watching Andrew and some of the guys playing beer pong. Then like a cut from a movie, I¡¯m in the bathroom throwing up with Gracie watching over me. I¡¯m outside. ¡°You¡¯re really pretty, y¡¯know,¡± I feel the hot words come out of my mouth. ¡°Am I?¡± She¡¯s leading me upstairs and into a bedroom. I push her towards the bed and take off my top. I go down on her and take her shirt and lacy blue bra off and unbuckled her jeans. This. For a second I get a logical thought and think, is this really happening? My first time¡­ I feel her lips. They suck me in. I want to enjoy the moment, but the movie keeps cutting and jumping forward. I get bits and pieces, like the warmth and the touch. It¡¯s damn intoxicating but the movie won¡¯t stop jumping forward. I get another logical thought when it¡¯s all over and the blurry girl is getting dressed. ¡°I had fun, thanks. I needed that,¡± she says before leaving. What¡¯s your name? She¡¯s the same blurry girl from before. I want to see her again but I wake up in Andrew¡¯s arms. He lays me down on my bed. ¡°Uh, what happened?¡± He chuckles, ¡°You drank too much, go to sleep.¡± ¡°Where¡¯s Grace?!¡± ¡°In her room, she¡¯s fine, nothing happened.¡± ¡°Did I do anything stupid?¡± ¡°Nah, don¡¯t worry about it. Go to bed. I left some water for you.¡± The girl, she wasn¡¯t a dream, was it? Everything felt real for the brief experience I got. It couldn¡¯t be a dream. She had black hair a black sweatshirt and blue jeans. She had Converses on, but I don¡¯t remember her face. I never had a one-night stand but I don¡¯t want it to be. Sara IV January 7th, 2014 I tell everything that happened to Dr. Fonseca during my Saturday session. She doesn¡¯t interrupt at all which is nice. She usually only does it to ask a question. ¡°Do you think the video bringing back the past also brought back those negative feelings?¡± She asks when I¡¯m done. ¡°It doesn¡¯t take a genius to figure that out.¡± Dr. Fonseca laughs, ¡°I guess not. I also guess you¡¯re smart enough to figure out that you started drinking to drown out those negative thoughts.¡± ¡°Yeah¡­¡± ¡°And this girl? What did you feel when you talked to her?¡± ¡°Feel? I don¡¯t remember. I blacked out.¡± ¡°Try.¡± I sit there as a duck. There isn¡¯t much to remember but I don¡¯t want to lie. I have like five minutes worth of memory to work with, how am I supposed to get a feeling from that? Yet that warmth reminds me. ¡°I don¡¯t know,¡± I shrug, ¡°I felt warm and whole when I felt her lips. That¡¯s like all I remember.¡± My therapist smiles, ¡°That¡¯s enough,¡± and writes something on her Ipad. ¡°Even if you don¡¯t remember, do you know what happened while you were blacked out?¡± ¡°Andrew said Grace and I were being picked on by Amanda Myers. She shamed us and that got me pissed enough to drink more. He said I almost fought her, which I wish would have happened. She needs to get knocked off that throne of hers.¡± ¡°What did Grace and Andrew do?¡± ¡°Gracie ignored her, which is what I should have done. Andrew tried to defend me but didn¡¯t work out so well. He isn¡¯t well-liked anymore for him to have supporters. It¡¯s like they don¡¯t even give a shit about us and what we feel like words don¡¯t matter.¡± ¡°They¡¯re in high school, they think they matter. Once they¡¯re out, they don¡¯t.¡± ¡°So do you think what Elizabeth said was right? That it¡¯s all bullshit and nothing really matters?¡± ¡°In a sense, sure, but it doesn''t mean we can¡¯t give meaning to things. Once you graduate those people won¡¯t matter to you, Sara. One the people you want to keep around matters. I think in Elizabeth¡¯s case her method of thinking wasn¡¯t exactly healthy. That could''ve been because of the drugs or the people around her or just a mental disease that could have popped up out of nowhere.¡± ¡°Aren¡¯t I the same?¡± ¡°No. You had an unfair life, Sara. A kid your age would be broken with how much you went through, yet you¡¯re still here. There are still a lot of things you haven¡¯t shared with me, but I feel like our progress hasn¡¯t been slowed down by that fact.¡± I sit in silence for a while. I haven¡¯t told her about my daydreams, remembering where I was a year ago. That¡¯s a thing I haven¡¯t told her about. Another is my mother. She knows she died when I was young but that¡¯s it. There¡¯s so much I have to share and I¡¯ve been so scared to. If I could hook up with some random girl, I guess I can do anything now. I don¡¯t have to be afraid. ¡°I can talk about it now.¡± ¡°You mean-¡± ¡°Yes.¡± ¡°Start whenever, take your time.¡± I don¡¯t hesitate. ¡°My dad fucked me on September 26th, 2012. It wasn¡¯t the first time, but it was the last. I couldn¡¯t take it anymore so I just ran away without telling anyone but Emily. I was planning on dying. I just wanted to fucking die whether it be in a car accident, starvation, or murder. In the end, I was just too scared to. Eventually, the thoughts were just too much and I just gave up on this alleyway downtown and slit my wrists to finally die.¡± I don¡¯t say anything next. I don¡¯t want to. ¡°Who saved you?¡± ¡°Lyle,¡± I stop myself. ¡°He¡¯s the one who gave Elizabeth the gun right? The drug dealer? He was arrested almost six months ago when he tried to kill you and your friends, right?¡± ¡°Loan shark, business owner, politician. He did a lot of things.¡± ¡°What did he do to you?¡± ¡°He found me, saved me, then kept me. It was in a warehouse that he owned and I was kept in some empty room with no light for weeks. I was barely fed and was left just to rot. I think he just kept me to fuck with my brother, like how he fucked with Elizabeth. Turns out I wasn¡¯t the only one he kept there.¡± ¡°Sara, what did he do to you?¡± I stay silent. The memories try to come back but I block them. I don¡¯t want them. ¡°Sara, we¡¯re really close. Just tell me what happened.¡± I think if it wasn¡¯t for Lyle¡¯s existence, none of our lives would be this fucked up. I¡¯m glad he¡¯s in prison now but that doesn¡¯t vindicate the effect he had on all our lives. He was just a shadow controlling the narrative behind the curtains. There was this whole nationwide media coverage when he was arrested. The amount of shit he was a part of was absurd. Hours before his arrest he killed the husband of beloved artist, Emmah Melody Ryan. She commented that she knew him as a man called Sessions. I remember there was a rumor that there was a drug dealer that went by the name of Sessions and that he was in every state. Lyle was that Sessions in Washington. Through that connection, the FBI found Lyle¡¯s ties with an old terrorist gang that ran in the 90s till its end in 2008. The world sort of celebrated a victory when Lyle was caught.This book is hosted on another platform. Read the official version and support the author''s work. ¡°Sara,¡± Dr. Fonseca repeats herself. ¡°He-He made me believe in myself. Through the torture he was forcing me to go through, he made me believe that the fact that I was still alive made me stronger than I ever believed. If he succeeded, I would¡¯ve been brainwashed into being one of his puppets like all the other girls before me. He¡¯s a monster.¡± There¡¯s a very strong silence. I close my eyes and take a breath and it feels good. It feels good to tell someone. It¡¯s not something grand or spectacular but I had repressed those memories for the longest time and now they¡¯re out. I think if I wasn¡¯t in a broken conscious state at the time I would be dead right now. Except now I kind of wish I was. ¡°Sara, are you okay?¡± Dr. Fonseca asks. It takes me a moment to realize that I¡¯ve been staring at my feet for quite some time. I don¡¯t even know how much time has passed but it feels like I¡¯ve used up my hour. There are no clocks in the room and I¡¯m not allowed on my phone during sessions so who knows how much time has passed. ¡°Do you believe in angels?¡± I ask. ¡°Are you asking me if I¡¯m religious?¡± ¡°No,¡± I shake my head. ¡°I¡¯m just asking about angels. Like guardian angels or something like that.¡± ¡°Like in the video? Elizabeth¡¯s Angel?¡± ¡°I guess.¡± ¡°Do you believe you have one yourself?¡± ¡°You didn¡¯t answer the question.¡± Dr. Fonseca doesn¡¯t say anything, instead, she writes again on her Ipad. That¡¯s not a good thing, this is the second time in one session. I look her back in the eyes when she finishes. ¡°I¡¯ll be honest Sara, I don¡¯t know what to believe. I think that¡¯s the beauty of it however as it allows for conversation and argument. Debates are how progress is made. Why are you bringing this up?¡± ¡°I was saved by this girl who worked for Lyle. She knew my brother and Chris because they worked together too with the drug dealing and all. She somehow know I was and took me to Emily¡¯s house. She talked through texts on her phone and had white hair. No, like, she more albino than albinos. She had eyes that glow in the dark like a cat¡¯s. Her name is Marina.¡± ¡°And what happened to her when Lyle was arrested?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know. No one knew who she was. In fact, this is the first time I¡¯m remembering her. I don¡¯t know if she¡¯s real or not.¡± ¡°Like the girl from last night?¡± ¡°Yeah.¡± ¡°Do you know why you might have been repressing that memory? Did she remind you of your mother?¡± A trigger immediately happens. There¡¯s a wave of memories about my mother that brings back the darkness. ¡°A few days before our mother died, Andrew and I experienced our first snowstorm. I think it was the first time we had ever seen snow as it doesn¡¯t snow very often in Darkwood. When it was all over Andrew and I spent all day playing in the snow. I remember our mother kept telling us that we were gonna get sick because we were getting wet. Dad let us run around though. Remembering this assures me that he wasn¡¯t a bad man. He loved us and then he lost her. I don¡¯t think I can blame him. I hate the man now, but he wasn¡¯t evil back when Mom was alive¡± ¡°And how do you feel about that?¡± ¡°I¡¯m not done,¡± I pause for a second. ¡°I don¡¯t blame him, but he could have done better, so I blame him for that. I hate him now and I don¡¯t think I could ever see him again. I don¡¯t want to. That day when we played in the snow, we held a competition to see who would build a better snowman. I won and my mom praised me. I think this made Andrew jealous so he pushed me through my snowman and I twisted my ankle. Back then I was always better than Andrew. I think that¡¯s why Andrew became as smart as he did because he wanted to beat me in something.¡± There¡¯s more silence as I gather my thoughts. ¡°It¡¯s okay, you can open up.¡± ¡°Since the moment Mom died, Andrew changed. A baby can figure that out but I think something else changed too. I tried my best to not be in trouble but Andrew always looked for it. And yet despite that, Andrew was hardly ever punished for the things he did and yet I would be punished for merely existing. I always thought my guardian angel started protecting Andrew instead of me when that happened.¡± ¡°Do you think you¡¯re feeling resentment towards your brother?¡± It makes sense, doesn¡¯t it? After everything that has happened to me, Andrew has never once felt the pain I have. He gets away scot-free for nearly everything. Guardian angels, what a joke. And the thought of hating my brother for it? They don¡¯t even exist in the first place. That itself makes me laugh. ¡°No. It just assures me that I¡¯m a piece of shit who doesn¡¯t deserve a good thing in her life.¡± ¡°Sara¡­¡± ¡°Fuck you! If that wasn¡¯t the case then why the fuck did my own father have to fucking rape me?!¡± ¡°You can¡¯t contro-¡± ¡°Fuck that! You¡¯re just saying that I had shit luck to be born into this world!¡± I¡¯m up on my feet before my mind knows I am and it makes me woozy. My hand hurts from clenching my fists and yet I can¡¯t seem to remember getting this angry. Dr. Fonseca just looks at me and doesn¡¯t say anything. Now that I know that I¡¯m angry I¡¯m able to calm down. I¡¯m able to take a deep breath and sit back down. ¡°People like to tell me that everyone gets suicidal thoughts and it''s no big deal, it¡¯s part of the human experience. Is that true?¡± ¡°Are you having suicidal thoughts, Sara?¡± ¡°Can you answer the question and not dodge it?¡± Dr. Fonseca smiles and drops her Ipad onto her lap. ¡°Suicidal thoughts, even fleeting ones are symptoms of illness. There¡¯s this myth that everyone has them and that it¡¯s okay to have them. Truth is because everyone has learned that it has become normal and thus doesn¡¯t talk about it. This negligence of mental health is why I¡¯m here, Sara.¡± ¡°Is that your professional opinion or your personal?¡± Dr. Fonseca looks at me confused. Andrew has beaten my brain with the idea that everyone has a morally correct opinion to counteract their actual opinion. He says we¡¯re all lying to each other to seem like good people. ¡°Professional, Sara.¡± ¡°Can I get what you think? Without the bullshit?¡± She sighs, ¡°I think yes, we all have a moment of weakness that gives us those thoughts at one point in our lives. I think it''s part of being a human, but some people need help to overcome those negative thoughts.¡± ¡°Did you ever get them?¡± ¡°Sara, I don¡¯t see what this has to-¡± ¡°I know. I know. I¡¯m curious, is all.¡± ¡°Have the thoughts come up again?¡± ¡°Yes.¡± I stare at myself naked in the bathroom mirror inside my house. No, not my house. My adoptive mother¡¯s house, not mine. I¡¯m a guest here, always have been. Like this mirror, I¡¯m staring at isn¡¯t mine. It¡¯s borrowed. This naked body of mine isn¡¯t mine. It¡¯s borrowed. It¡¯s been a while since I¡¯ve done this; just look at myself without a filter. I get to examine every imperfection the flaps of extra skin or the faint lines across my wrists. Dr. Fonseca doesn''t know that I do this. I wonder if she¡¯ll think it''s healthy. Probably not. She¡¯ll try to spin in on how I despise myself or some shit. Still. I used to do this with a line of coke waiting for me. I wonder if Andrew still does it and if he would share. That feeling of being a queen would really come in handy about now. I can feel that empty void slowly growing inside me and the only way I know how to deal with it is with those white powder lines. I hate being sober. It¡¯s such a shitty state of mind to be in. Suicidal thoughts. I don¡¯t even want to die anymore but they¡¯re still here. They drive me to feel like it¡¯ll be a lot easier dead. What¡¯s left of me, the real me, the sane; she wants to know who I fucked because it¡¯s not fair that I don¡¯t even know who she is. It¡¯s what keeps me up at night. It¡¯s what I need to know but I know it¡¯ll be impossible to find her. Then I think about my mother; my sweet caring mother. Then about my father. Then about Lyle. Then I want to die again. Sara V January 15th, 2014 Freyja Elledge. Jana Kramer. She sits alone in the cafeteria room almost every day now. When she¡¯s not here, she¡¯s walking to the nearest McDonald''s for lunch; alone. The only one I have ever seen her talk to is her brother, but that only happened once. She used to be really popular but now she¡¯s a ghost. Today that changes because of some rumor someone started. It¡¯s been all over school already. They say Freyja was the last person Elizabeth talk to before school started. They¡¯re saying Freyja convinced Elizabeth to do it. It¡¯s why she didn¡¯t show up to school that day. They even say she faked her sickness that day. So because of that, Freyja is getting picked on today. I ask Andrew to stop it but he says, ¡°It¡¯s not our business.¡± Amanda says something to Freyja. Based on her body language I can take a guess and say it isn¡¯t very friendly. Freyja seems to be ignoring all of it and only focuses on the food on her plate. I can¡¯t even see her eyes so I wonder if she¡¯s crying. Eventually, things get bad enough that force Freyja to get up and leave. Andrew notices my movement and stops me by grabbing my wrist. He shakes his head once before letting go. ¡°Where are you going?¡± Grace asks but gets no answer. I follow Freyja into the back of the school where she probably hoped to hide. She sits down on the wall that¡¯s closest to the forest. It¡¯s close enough to see into the darkness. Freyja covers her face behind her knees so she doesn¡¯t see me approach her. ¡°Are you okay?¡± ¡°Leave me alone,¡± she says weakly. And I want to. Andrew is right, this is none of my business. I¡¯m not her friend, I¡¯m not involved, and I shouldn¡¯t care. But I do care. But this is something I should do because I¡¯m a good person. Emily taught me this, and Virginia wants me to learn this. ¡°Jana, I just want to make sure you¡¯re okay.¡± ¡°My name is not Jana.¡± ¡°Freyja.¡± She finally looks ups, wiping away a few tears. ¡°What do you want Sara? Leave me alone.¡± ¡°I can¡¯t.¡± I pause. What the hell am I even doing? ¡°I won¡¯t.¡± Freyja locks eyes with me for the first time. ¡°I won¡¯t,¡± I repeat. Freyja''s hair looks like it hasn''t been brushed in weeks. She often wears two coats, or a coat and a hooded sweatshirt. Today is one of those days and it¡¯s still the same fucked up Freyja that people started to see her as. I can¡¯t help to remember the slow regression over the months that lead her here. God, I was so stupid that I couldn¡¯t see it. But I do now and I¡¯m left wondering why now out of all these months? She¡¯s been so alone. ¡°Go away¡­¡± ¡°No.¡± Freyja takes a few seconds to herself and wipes away all the tears. I think that¡¯s good. ¡°You¡¯d dyed your hair back to black,¡± she says. She¡¯s right. I¡¯m back to all black after a year of being cleansed. Virginia disapproves but trusts me enough to let me do what I want. I¡¯ve been feeling like complete shit the past couple of weeks so being in this emo phase helps me cope. It¡¯s not even emo or goth, it''s just all black and sad. It¡¯s been nothing but sadness lately. ¡°It looks good. A blue flower.¡± ¡°What?¡± ¡°Hmm?¡± ¡°Just now, what did you say?¡± ¡°I said your hair suits you. Black is more your style.¡± I swear she just called me a blue flower. That¡¯s what Elizabeth said she was called. Maybe it applies to me too, or maybe I¡¯m just hearing things. Yeah, that must be it. ¡°Thank you, but are you okay?¡± ¡°I¡¯m fine. You don¡¯t need to worry about me,¡± Freyja says getting up. ¡°I¡¯ve been fine this whole time,¡± she lies. I can tell she¡¯s lying by the tone of her voice. It¡¯s neither sad nor with feeling, it¡¯s empty; monotone. I let her walk past me and I watch her leave my sight; I only see a shadow of myself. Freyja needs help too. I sit where she was at and sigh. I¡¯m unable to wrap my head around the reason why I even followed her here. It¡¯s more than just wanting to be a good person. I open up Facebook and look her up. Freyja is still my friend but hasn¡¯t posted since the day our friend died. God, she used to really pretty. Side by side, Freyja is another person than who she used to be, Jana. It¡¯s clear to me now that I need to help her because no one has since. I don¡¯t know, I feel like it¡¯s my responsibility. But if I do, who will help me? She¡¯s alone. You¡¯re not. Andrew drives me to the 24-hour diner on the edge of town using Virginia¡¯s hotwired car. This is where all the popular kids go to hang out after school when there¡¯s nothing to do. He parks beside Amanda Myers¡¯ car and gets out first to smoke a cigarette. ¡°I don¡¯t want to go in alone,¡± I tell him. Andrew shrugs, ¡°give me a minute then.¡± ¡°When did you start smoking?¡± Andrew shrugs again taking a drag long enough to burn a fourth of the cigarette in one go. ¡°I¡¯m surprised you don¡¯t,¡± he exhales. ¡°I¡¯m thinking about getting a face tattoo.¡±The author''s tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon. I laugh, ¡°Don¡¯t be stupid.¡± ¡°It¡¯ll be something sweet under my eye. Angelica, after our mother,¡± Andrew says sarcastically then takes another long drag. ¡°What do you think?¡± ¡°I think you¡¯re stupid. Virginia will kick out.¡± ¡°After graduating, of course. Once that¡¯s done, I¡¯m moving out. I don¡¯t need this town anymore.¡± It¡¯s funny even though I know Andrew is serious but I can¡¯t help to laugh. ¡°And where will you go?¡± ¡°To chase my dreams.¡± I want to ask, but Andrew throws away the cigarette. ¡°Come on, let¡¯s get this over with.¡± Inside I find Amanda with her friends who notice us but we¡¯re not here for them so it doesn¡¯t matter if they gossip or not. Bo is sitting in the far corner of the diner. He¡¯s busy writing on his laptop, probably some dumb article for the school paper. Bo is alone like always so Andrew and I sit next to him. He doesn¡¯t even bother with us. While we got the backlash of the video he posted, he was left completely off the radar. Nobody messed with him for exposing everyone like that. That video didn¡¯t make anyone look good yet nobody blames him for it. Andrew takes a drink from the coffee that has been left untouched and Bo still doesn¡¯t care. ¡°Ay bitch, don¡¯t ignore us.¡± ¡°What do you want, Andrew?¡± ¡°A nice friendly conversation.¡± ¡°I¡¯ll rather not get beaten up today, thank you. Besides if you touch me I have my lawyer on speed dial.¡± ¡°Bitch that¡¯s your daddy¡¯s lawyer. Besides, I¡¯m not here to fuck your bitch ass up. My sister just wants to talk to you.¡± ¡°Then why are you here?¡± ¡°Moral support.¡± ¡°Bo, why did you put that video up?¡± I finally come in. That is enough to get his attention away from his laptop. Bo sets his laptop down and meets my eyes. ¡°Justice. I had all the answers and I was too scared to reveal them.¡± ¡°Justice? You didn¡¯t know her. You made assumptions based on things you didn¡¯t even know. She didn¡¯t kill herself because she got into drugs.¡± ¡°Oh yeah? Seems like she was perfectly fine before she hung out with you guys.¡± I sigh and relax on the booth seat. There¡¯s no point in getting riled up, I¡¯m not even here about the video. Before all of this, Bo was once friends with Freyja. The video barely mentioned her but she¡¯s been getting bullied a lot more lately because of it. The whole thing has this sour taste on my tongue so I wonder if she had a role to play that Bo isn¡¯t showing. ¡°There are things that you¡¯ll never know Bo. What you did might have been justice in your eyes but it wasn¡¯t okay.¡± He scoffs, ¡°So what, you want an apology?¡± ¡°Fuck, you¡¯re annoying,¡± Andrew comments. ¡°No. I just want to ask you something.¡± Bo loses interest and flips his laptop back on again. ¡°What happened to Jana? She¡¯s the only one who hasn¡¯t moved on.¡± Bo closes his laptop again and sighs. ¡°I don¡¯t know, I¡¯m not friends with her anymore.¡± ¡°Then why¡¯d you close your laptop buddy?¡± Andrew smirks. Bo looks at him and rolls his eyes. ¡°Why do you want to know?¡± I feel the snickering behind us of Amanda and her stupid friends. I guess she¡¯s forgotten I¡¯ve fucked her brother just to spite her. It¡¯s all just because he¡¯s graduated that she¡¯s allowed to be a bitch to me again. Andrew looks behind us and gives them a wink. I don¡¯t think anything would make me happier than knowing that my brother fucked her too. I turn my attention to Bo who is still waiting for a response. ¡°Have you seen her? Have you even asked her if she¡¯s okay?¡± ¡°She¡¯s still sad about Elizabeth, who cares,¡± he shrugs. ¡°Don¡¯t you find that a bit odd? Everyone¡¯s moved on except for her. Did you even try to be there for her?¡± Bo shrugs again, ¡°No, but don¡¯t people need to be left alone to grieve?¡± Bo is an idiot. He doesn¡¯t understand depression at all. I guess most people don''t. They think it is just a stage above regular sadness and the word gets overused more often than it should. It¡¯s not his fault, but he could have at least done a little. ¡°When was the last time you talked to her?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know, a few weeks after the funeral. Why do you even care, Sara? It¡¯s not like you two are friends.¡± ¡°That¡¯s the point, she doesn¡¯t have anyone. Doesn¡¯t that scare you?¡± ¡°No.¡± ¡°You¡¯re a dick, mate,¡± Andrew snarks. ¡°Can I be left alone now? I have a paper to write.¡± I sigh. ¡°Okay, we¡¯ll leave but do you know why she¡¯s getting picked on now?¡± Bo almost laughs. ¡°That? She antagonized Amanda,¡± Bo looks over past us where Amanda is. ¡°She signed her death wish.¡± Bo turns his attention off of us. Andrew and I get up to leave but I notice Andrew isn¡¯t next to me when I open up the front exit. He¡¯s at Amanda¡¯s table and is saying something that I can¡¯t hear. Amanda¡¯s friends are disgusted and Amanda is just confused herself. She eyes me and then turns back to Andrew. One of the guys laughs and Andrew does not hesitate to punch him in the face, prompting the other guys to stand up ready to fight. Andrew backs off saying, ¡°save it for the schoolyard, flower boys.¡± ¡°What was that?¡± I ask him when we¡¯re out of the diner. ¡°Sticking up for my sister, what else? I don¡¯t know why you care so much for Jana but if you¡¯re doing it, you¡¯re doing it.¡± Andrew smirks and it makes me laugh so I push him. ¡°Come on, I¡¯m capable of giving a fuck.¡± I force myself to stop laughing but it doesn''t really work. ¡°You¡¯re stupid.¡± I push him back again. Andrew starts to laugh and pulls me in for a hug. ¡°I¡¯ll do anything for my baby sister.¡± I try to pull out but Andrew doesn¡¯t let me. ¡°You¡¯re older by two minutes, relax.¡± ¡°Still. We¡¯ll get through this, together.¡± My arms go limp. My brother is such an asshole to everyone. He¡¯s sexist and homophobic. He hates this world and wishes not to be a part of it. Andrew is filled with so much hatred and yet he¡¯s still here, caring for me. I love him. He would end the world just for my sake. There was a time I believed otherwise, but not now, not at this moment. On the ride home, I home something new in my head. It¡¯s calming and it makes me feel as if I was young again; like my mother was tucking me into bed. When I get home I take out my acoustic guitar and start translating the hum into notes. It¡¯s midnight by the time I finish and I lay the guitar on the side of my bed right as I crave a cigarette. I don¡¯t know why but I stare at my door. There¡¯s no light sneaking through and I wonder if anyone is asleep. I wonder if someone will knock or just walk in. Will it be Virginia, Grace, or Andrew? Perhaps it could be my dream girl, the girl I drunk fucked, or Marina the girl who doesn¡¯t exist, or even the girl in the white that was Elizabeth¡¯s angel. I think now that it¡¯s an angel of death and anyone that sees it dies. My mother talked about it once. I still remember it. It was a bedtime story, she said, ¡°The grim reaper does not want people to be in fear or distress when it takes us, so it disguises itself as the most beautiful thing in the world.¡± She never said what it was but I¡¯ll believe it. This woman in white must be exceptionally beautiful. That¡¯s the conclusion I¡¯m coming with why I¡¯m staring at this dumb door. I¡¯m waiting for her. I¡¯m waiting for you. Please, come and take me. Freyja Elledge January 20th, 2014 She said she was in the tall grass. She called herself a blue flower. She said she kept seeing morning glory. I never got to say goodbye. Sara stands above me as she did a couple of days ago. She thinks she¡¯s higher than me because she got through her depression. She thinks she can help me after ignoring me after all this time. Fuck her. But she doesn¡¯t leave and instead sits next to me. I just stare at the woods where Elizabeth disappeared. I just want to be left alone. I hate this place, I really do. This town, these people, this environment; it¡¯s a toxin that slowly kills people. People say it''s the weather, others say remoteness. I say it¡¯s the people raised here. They¡¯re all so fucked up. They turned incorruptible into one of them and now she¡¯s dead. She¡¯s not the only one, there are others. Others are mostly ignored because they didn¡¯t have the status she did. I was almost corrupted, almost turned into one of them. Now everyone leaves me alone and I like it. Everyone leaves me alone except for Sara. ¡°Do you like it here?¡± She asks. Of course, I don¡¯t. It¡¯s always cloudy, and when it isn''t, it feels like it. The sun shines but there¡¯s still that dread looming over the town like it¡¯s cursed. Today it¡¯s raining. It¡¯s winter and Darkwood usually doesn¡¯t get too cold but it is frisky out. I like it, but at the same time, I hate it. It¡¯s too gloomy and depressing. ¡°I used to hate the rain,¡± Sara shrugs, ¡°now I don¡¯t mind it. It¡¯s melancholy but right. Right in like, it¡¯s what is supposed to be.¡± I look up letting a few droplets into my eyes. What the fuck is she talking about? It¡¯s okay to be sad? It¡¯s okay to feel like this? I¡¯m not fucking sad, I¡¯m pissed off. I¡¯m scared. I¡¯m so fucking pissed off. ¡°Is that why you¡¯re hiding?¡± Elizabeth says in front of me. She¡¯s often here, a figure of my imagination. She talks to me, comforts me, and guides me. It¡¯s not healthy, I know, but I don¡¯t care. ¡°This is what you wanted, right Jana? For someone to give a shit.¡± ¡°Alex gives a shit. My parents give a shit.¡± ¡°They¡¯re family. It¡¯s not what you¡¯re looking for.¡± ¡°What about you, Freyja? Do you like the rain?¡± Sara asks. ¡°No,¡± I say finally looking down from the rain. I stand up, deciding I don¡¯t want to be here anymore. I don¡¯t want to be in this town, not in this school, not with Sara. The rain likes to taunt me as I walk home. It gets harder and harder as I get closer to my home a block away from my parent¡¯s church. I was soaked before I even started to walk but now I¡¯m drenched. No one¡¯s home. Of course no one¡¯s home, it''s the middle of the day. Mom and Dad are busy in the church and Alex is in school. I take off all my clothes in my bathroom but leave my underwear on. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I¡¯m ugly. My hair is unkempt and I don¡¯t like to shower. I move my hair out of my face so I can look at myself properly. I¡¯m disgusting. I¡¯m Freyja Elledge who was supposed to be the queen of the school and I¡¯m disgusting. In a different timeline, I would be checking myself out knowing how hot I am. I take off my underwear and feel my breasts because it¡¯s one of the few things that make me feel alright. I crawl into my bed and shut my eyes. My eyes open when I hear my parents downstairs. They have the TV awfully loud today. I can hear Alex talking to his friends online. They probably don¡¯t know when I got home, or if I got home. They just expect me to be home so they haven¡¯t bothered to check if I actually am. It¡¯s why the door still hasn¡¯t been opened since I¡¯d shut it. I can tell because I have one of them doorknobs that push down to open and I always set mine to rest a bit lower than full horizontal. It¡¯s eight PM and there is no notification on my phone. There never is but I don¡¯t care. I hide on the stairs as I watch my parents watch TV together. I¡¯m glad they¡¯re regular people for being priests. They¡¯re happy together, truly still in love. They must be disappointed that I am like this. They pay me no mind, they know to leave me alone. They know I don¡¯t like to leave my room. My mom just knocks and leaves food on my door at this point. They love me and I¡¯m breaking their heart. ¡°Do you want them to say something?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know.¡± Mom and Dad are laughing. They¡¯re talking about something that happened in church today. I don¡¯t understand what¡¯s funny about it but I¡¯m glad they¡¯re not hung up on my well-being. My mom laughs again and tilts her head back where she catches me watching them. My heart skips a beat. My own mother ignores me. I don¡¯t know what to think about this. She should say something. Say something. ¡°Do you want to sit with us, Freyja?¡± My dad looks over at me and smiles. I don¡¯t know what to do. It¡¯s been a long time since I¡¯ve actually seen them, maybe it¡¯s been a few months. My dad likes to sit at my door and talk stories with me. He misses me the most I think. He does it every night before he goes to bed; always talks about when he was young when he was stupid. They¡¯re funny stories mostly. ¡°Sit with them.¡± I slowly crawl down the stairs. My parents aren¡¯t looking like they¡¯re expecting me to comply. ¡°What are you so afraid of?¡± My mother moves over away from my dad to make room for me. Like a little girl again, I¡¯m in between my parents once more. ¡°Welcome home,¡± My mom wraps her arms around me. ¡°It¡¯s good to see you,¡± Dad says. ¡°It feels good, doesn¡¯t it?¡± ¡°Yes.¡± My mom runs her fingers through my messy hair as we watch TV in silence. It¡¯s nice, it¡¯s like being left alone. They get me, but I think I¡¯ll never get them. I don¡¯t like being in this house either. There¡¯s too much God in here. I used to like it. And then she died. And then you died. ¡°Do you not believe?¡± No. In this world, there is no God. There was a time when it was all there was but it¡¯s better now. My parents know this. They knew when I blew up in their faces and shut them out. My dad wouldn''t talk to me and my mom often made my food last. I think when I started to not come out of my room is when they finally understood. We haven¡¯t talked about it so I wonder if it¡¯s ever going to be brought up again. There are a lot of things I¡¯m sinful for. ¡°Do you guys hate me?¡± ¡°What?! Why would we hate you?¡± Mom asks. ¡°Because I¡¯m a bad person. Because I¡¯m not who you want me to be.¡± ¡°Freyja, you mean the world to us. It¡¯s okay to grieve and mourn. You can take all the time you need as long as you''re with us.¡± ¡°No, that I don¡¯t believe in God.¡± That shuts them up. I can feel my dad get tense. He rarely gets angry. He only really gets angry at Alex but I¡¯m never a victim. I wonder if he¡¯s angry at me now. My dad sighs and gets up from his seat. Mother strokes my back and watches him leave. She turns to me and says, ¡°Your father may not understand it I might never, but I trust that you will find God¡¯s light again.¡± ¡°And if I don¡¯t?¡± ¡°You will.¡± ¡°I won¡¯t.¡± My mother giggles, ¡°Do you want to talk about it?¡± ¡°No.¡± ¡°No.¡± ¡°Okay. You made a big step tonight,¡± she stands up and stretches. ¡°I¡¯m going to bed. There are leftovers in the kitchen so help yourself, you¡¯ll be alone. Goodnight.¡± ¡°Night.¡± I wrap myself around my knees and lay my head on the cushion. The TV show was now over anyways and the news starts. The latest breaking story was there was a death during a hit-and-run in Seattle. There was a forest fire pretty far from us but the rain today helped contain it. As I think about it, it still hasn¡¯t stopped raining, has it? I can still hear it hitting the roof quietly. Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon. Elizabeth stands in front of me. She¡¯s still the same: Blonde, Tall, beautiful, and unmatched. Her eyes are piercing blue and a soft face that makes it irresistible not to stare. Elizabeth had freckles but she would always cover them up because she hated them. She has them here today. ¡°Is this your way of telling yourself that you¡¯re reading to move on from me?¡± ¡°What do you want?¡± She gets up close to me and to her knees. Elizabeth holds my hand and they¡¯re gentle for being imaginary. She gives me this smile like she¡¯s sad or disappointed in me. ¡°I want you to move on from me. I¡¯m never coming back. You need to let other people in.¡± ¡°Like Sara?¡± ¡°She only wants to help.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t need you to lecture me. I¡¯m fine on my own.¡± ¡°Then why am I here?¡± I don¡¯t say anything. I only change the channel to Cartoon Network and try my best to ignore Elizabeth¡¯s ghost. But I can''t. She¡¯s wearing this stunning white dress that¡¯s too bright and distracting and I can only look at her. ¡°Why are you here?¡± ¡°It¡¯s because you want me to, Jana.¡± ¡°That¡¯s not my name.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry, I forget I gave you that dumb nickname,¡± Elizabeth laughs. ¡°It must get annoying when everyone calls you Jana Kramer, not just Jana.¡± ¡°My name is Freyja. I just want my friend back. I just want to know why you killed yourself. I want a goodbye. I just want to see you one last time¡­¡± Elizabeth doesn''t say anything when she smiles and looks at the stairs. She fades away when I notice Alex is standing in the middle of them. ¡°Who are you talking to?¡± ¡°No one¡­¡± He laughs and heads back upstairs, ¡°Fucking weirdo,¡± he says quietly but I can still hear him. Alex Elledge. I know he cares for me too because he doesn¡¯t let anyone fuck with me at school. He¡¯s who lets me alone. We used to be close. That ended when I decided to. Alex is a guy who doesn¡¯t question things and does things as they happen. It¡¯s fine if he¡¯s never bothered to see if I was okay because honestly, I wouldn¡¯t like him very much if he did that. He¡¯s a good guy that hopefully isn''t fucked over by this town just like everyone else. I know it¡¯s too much to hope for, I already see this town corrupt him. That girl Grace is corrupting him. I rest my head against the cushion and close my eyes. ¡°Not a blue flower, but a morning glory.¡± January 24th, 2014 I have my third class off and I always spend it in the library. My brother often likes to skip this period and hang out with me. It¡¯s really the only time where we interact. He usually always ends up being the one who talks while I just listen without saying a word most days. This is how I know he cares. Alex stands next to me while I browse the bookshelves for something new to read, something new that¡¯ll help me run away. ¡°I mean, she keeps giving me hints and is like flirting with me but won¡¯t hang out with me after school. What¡¯s up with that?¡± He¡¯s talking about Grace Ciotta. There¡¯s a rumor going around that her mother adopted Sara and Andrew because they¡¯re always together but no one really knows. ¡°What do I do? I really like her.¡± I¡¯m on my knees taking a book out to read the back cover. ¡°I don¡¯t know, maybe she¡¯s leading you on.¡± ¡°Well is that what you would do?¡± My brother scoffs that makes me just look forward. Like does he really expect someone like me to like someone? ¡°Hold that thought, gotta blow my nose,¡± Alex says, leaving. I don¡¯t see why he likes Grace. Last year she looked like she belong in middle school and now she looks like a freshman. Granted they¡¯re both 15 but still. Grace isn¡¯t even a good person for him. She hangs around Andrew and Sara all the time and I know the kind of shit they like to do. They aren¡¯t good people. This book looks interesting and I¡¯ve seen the trailer for the movie all over Youtube. They say the book is always better than the movie so it¡¯s why I¡¯m picking this out first. ¡°The Perks of Being a Wallflower¡±. I see my brother walking back to me through the empty space between the books but is suddenly stopped by a girl. Shit, it¡¯s Sara, but she doesn¡¯t see me. Why is she talking to my brother? ¡°Yo, what''s up,¡± he greets her. ¡°Can you help me out with something?¡± I can¡¯t see her face but it¡¯s definitely her. Her voice is unlike everyone else''s. It''s raspy like her vocal cords have years of smoke abuse. Better yet, her voice is like sandpaper. Despite that, it¡¯s still pretty. ¡°Okay? What¡¯s up?¡± ¡°I¡¯m trying to be friends with your sister. Can you help me out with that?¡± My brother scoffs, maybe even pushes her away. I can''t see really well. ¡°What the fuck, why?¡± he laughs. ¡°Just leave her alone.¡± ¡°Please, it¡¯s important.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t think it is.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t you think it''s time someone tried to be her friend? She¡¯s all alone, she needs someone.¡± Alex scoffs again and gives me a half-second glance. I shake my head. ¡°Why do you care?¡± I can tell Sara is getting frustrated. Is she this easily agitated? ¡°Alex, you should care. She¡¯s your sister.¡± ¡°Yeah, I do care but Freyja isn¡¯t just gonna magically snap out of it. Can I go now?¡± Elizabeth''s presence appears behind me. ¡°Are you sure this is what you want? I know deep down you want her to tell you it¡¯s gonna be okay.¡± ¡°If she continues, then maybe.¡± ¡°Well can you at least tell her something for me? I think she¡¯ll listen if it¡¯s coming from you.¡± ¡°What?¡± ¡°You did something you regret, didn''t you?¡± ¡°That I¡¯m sorry. We should have all been there for her but we were selfish in trying to pass the blame unto others.¡± Sara leaves without letting my brother have a chance to respond. I was her as she exits the library. She stops right at the doorway to look back where she finally sees me as I step out to go to Alex. Sara just continues to walk. Did she know the whole time I was there? Sara leaves me alone during lunch and then again at our class together during sixth. I get to see her again at our final class but she doesn¡¯t show up. After school, I find her in the parking lot talking to Andrew and Grace then she splits off to walk toward the forest that surrounds Darkwood. The nerve of her to apologize now after all this time, I just want to yell at her. Sorries mean shit and if she was really sorry she wouldn¡¯t show her face. I follow her behind her but make sure I¡¯m not noticed. Sara goes deep into the woods and I start to wonder where she¡¯s going. There¡¯s only one place to go and it''s at the campsite everyone goes to at night for bonfire parties. Then I remember I played a game of hide and seek with Elizabeth at a tree house somewhere. Maybe that¡¯s where she¡¯s going. I don¡¯t go inside often, mostly because it¡¯s really easy to get lost. After walking for twenties minutes, Sara finally stops at a broken-down tree. This is where the tree house once was but now it¡¯s all over the place. What happened? Sara takes a rest on one of the tree branches on the ground and pulls out her phone. I was her from afar but I can¡¯t hear what she was doing. It¡¯s a phone call but no one picks up then she sighs. I don¡¯t understand what she¡¯s doing here. This treehouse used to belong to one of her friends who graduated. I wonder what she thinks of the tree house like this. I haven''t seen her in a while. Maybe that¡¯s who Sara is calling. ¡°Why did you follow me?!¡± Sara yells out, looking near me but not at me. She knows I¡¯m here but doesn''t know exactly where. It¡¯s good. I can hide. ¡°Do you want to sit down?!¡± ¡°What are you doing here?!¡± ¡°Good question. I don¡¯t know!¡± ¡°Why do you want to be my friend? I just want to be left alone.¡± This time Sara catches the direction of my voice so it¡¯s no use hiding anymore. I come out and she smiles. Did she know I was following her the entire time? ¡°How come you don¡¯t want me as a friend? Do you hate me? Do you blame me?¡± Nice. She answers with another question. What do I do? Do I answer back with another question? No that would get us nowhere. ¡°Yes. I hate you. You killed her.¡± ¡°She didn¡¯t kill me. I killed me. You¡¯re projecting blame onto those who don''t deserve it. Sara didn¡¯t do anything.¡± ¡°She fucked you up on all those drugs.¡± ¡°How do you know? Were you there?¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry,¡± Sara stands up. ¡°You¡¯re right. I did kill her and that¡¯s something I have to live with the rest of my life.¡± Sara places her hand over her heart and closes her eyes. ¡°You became close friends with her that summer and I took her away from you, I¡¯m sorry.¡± ¡°Are you going to tell her?¡± ¡°Then why don¡¯t you just fuck off?!¡± ¡°I can¡¯t!¡± Sara opens her eyes and stares me down. I imagine a shockwave emitting from them and pushing me back. ¡°It¡¯s been eating at me and it feels like I can¡¯t breathe. Everything is pushing me, screaming at me to make sure that you¡¯re okay because I know you¡¯re not. I know because I¡¯m not! I haven¡¯t been for a long time!¡± My tongue is tied. I don¡¯t know what to do. I blame her but Sara is sincere. Something inside me tells me that I should let her in. Shit. Elizabeth is right. I do want this. I¡¯ve been alone for too long. I just want someone to tell me it¡¯s okay. I want someone to care about me. ¡°I hurt you when I died, didn¡¯t I?¡± she says. Yes, yes she did and I¡¯m a monster for believing that I could ever have more. I was thought and raised on the path of God and I had to fuck it up. ¡°You fell in love with me.¡± ¡°I fell in love with you.¡± ¡°You fell in love with me,¡± she repeats. ¡°I loved you so much,¡± I lost my path toward God when happened. I¡¯m a disappointment to God and to my parent because I¡¯m gay. Holy shit, I¡¯m gay. That¡¯s the first time I admitted it. Fuck. And now I¡¯m standing in front of Sara and I don¡¯t know how I got here. She isn¡¯t smiling or frowning. I can''t read her face but I can study it. I used to think she had brown eyes but not, they¡¯re blue. There¡¯s a little more on her left eyelid and her nose is a bit crooked that wasn''t like that before it. Her hair was brown at the start of the school year and now it''s back to being fully black. She dresses in her goth clothing again. This is the Sara I was familiar with, the one I always thought was a bit scary. She¡¯s still scary. Sara¡¯s a drug addict and a whore. She got bored of all the Darkwood parties and now goes to the Seattle College parties where she fucks at least two guys at a time. ¡°You know that¡¯s not true.¡± Sara even sells drugs on the low. But those are all rumors. Sara is¡­ Sara is...caring. She cares. ¡°Freyja?¡± She says. ¡°Are you okay?¡± ¡°Huh?¡± Sara tilts her head to the side a bit and places the back of her hand on my cheek where I feel tears falling down. I take her hand off and wipe the tears myself. I was talking to myself for that long, huh? Or maybe I subconsciously started crying and I didn¡¯t notice. Ha! I¡¯m talking to myself again. ¡°No, you¡¯re talking to me.¡± ¡°I¡¯m glad,¡± Sara smiles. ¡°I¡¯m glad you¡¯re alive!¡± Huh? I can feel everything fall down. Sara VI January 27th, 2014 Freyja Elledge is walking home alone after school. She likes to walk with her head down and doesn¡¯t look anywhere around her. This is how she normally walks. She lacks any confidence just like how I used to. Freyja is broken just like how I was. I don¡¯t know if I can fix her. I don¡¯t know if I can fix myself. I don¡¯t know a lot of things but at least I could try at the end of the day. I catch up to her by jogging next to her. Her house from what I remember is not too far from my own so it wouldn¡¯t cause a huge delay. It¡¯s been a few days since I talked to her so I¡¯m curious to see how she reacts. Freyja lifts her head up to meet my eyes and then back down. ¡°Hi,¡± she says weakly. ¡°Hey, how are you?¡± ¡°I¡¯m fine.¡± Small talk. It¡¯s a start after how she ran away from me back in the woods on Friday. I think she¡¯s opening up though. Whenever we catch eyes in class she tries her hardest to smile. They¡¯re often small, but they¡¯re there. ¡°Do you always go home after school?¡± ¡°Yeah.¡± ¡°Want to come to the diner? It¡¯ll be a refreshing change of pace.¡± ¡°No thank you. Amanda will be there.¡± ¡°Oh okay. Then let''s go somewhere else? Any ideas?¡± Freyja stops walking and looks at me. She¡¯s examining me again just like last time before she started to cry. ¡°I don''t know.¡± I don¡¯t blame her. Darkwood is a pretty boring town that doesn''t have many places to go. There are a few fast-food restaurants we could go to but no one really hangs out there to hang out. Darkwood is just like a movie town where everyone goes to one or two places. This is awkward though, I hoped she would say yes. ¡°What about the hill on top of Darkwood?¡± ¡°Okay!¡± The hill on top of the town used to be one of my favorite places to go. It¡¯s a cliche because it¡¯s a lot of people¡¯s favorite but that didn¡¯t turn me away from it. The best time to come here was with friends and get drunk so we could talk about whatever. This is how summers and school breaks would go. I still come here from time to time but it''s never the same. It now holds the same somber tone that the rest of the town gives. There is no small talk. Once we get on top of the hill, Freyja sits dead in the middle where she can see the northwestern side of the town, past the forest and Seattle far, far in the distance. I stand right next to her because I really don''t have a clue about what to do. Freyja sighs, ¡°Do you pity me?¡± ¡°What? No.¡± ¡°Then you feel sorry for me.¡± ¡°No. That¡¯s not it.¡± ¡°I¡¯ve been thinking about it for the past couple of days, of why you care about me. It doesn¡¯t make any sense. All I want is to be left alone and you keep bugging me like you¡¯re afraid I¡¯ll kill myself.¡± There are times when I feel like people know what I¡¯m thinking. She¡¯s right. I am afraid she¡¯ll do that. I¡¯ll be responsible if she does because I did nothing and I wouldn''t be able to live with that. I wonder if that¡¯s selfish. If it is, It¡¯s good selfishness. ¡°I told you before. I can help you get better.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t need to ¡®get¡¯ better. I¡¯m comfortable where I am.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t think you are.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t know me, Sara.¡± I don¡¯t know what to say again. I feel like anything I say she will counter with something. She really doesn''t want me as a friend yet she allowed me to follow her here. ¡°I feel like you want me too, Freyja.¡± I finally take my seat next to her. Freyja turns her head to me and makes a sad attempt at a smile. ¡°Maybe,¡± she turns to the view again. ¡°I do feel alone sometimes. She was my best friend, and now she¡¯s gone. This is how I moved on from it, being alone. So I¡¯m not lying when I say I¡¯m fine like this.¡± ¡°It¡¯s not good to close yourself to others. It doesn¡¯t allow you to be open with yourself.¡± ¡°I¡¯m fine like this Sara,¡± she pauses. ¡°Sometimes. Most of the time my heart aches. I¡¯ve been living like this for so long that when it¡¯s not, I miss it. It¡¯s more comforting to be in pain than to not feel.¡± Freyja sighs and I notice her clench the grass wrapped around her fingers. ¡°It feels like there is a void and you can¡¯t explain it. There¡¯s always a shadow around you and it weighs you down.¡± Freyja rips the grass from the ground. ¡°Yes. It¡¯s harder to not feel than it is to be human.¡± ¡°And it gets unbearable at times because you forget how it was to be okay. Don¡¯t think I don¡¯t understand, Freyja, because I do.¡± ¡°I remember the smile. The way she laughed. The way she looked. I remember her words and I remember the way she cared. Now she¡¯s gone. Now I¡¯m sad. I¡¯m a mess. I¡¯ve turned away God and all I want to do is get high.¡± I decide it¡¯s best not to say anything. Freyja just stays quiet and looks out into the distance. I start to remember some words Elizabeth told me. She had a curiosity about death because she felt that life was meaningless. Whether it¡¯s true or not doesn¡¯t matter anymore. She got to find out and it left me wondering the same thing for a while. Freyja must feel the same way. ¡°When was the last time you saw her?¡± I asked without thinking. ¡°At my parent¡¯s church. She was crying. She was overwhelmed with everything. She told me everything but there was something she held back that I could sense. I managed to cheer her up and she walked me home. She told me she loved me and that I was a great girl,¡± Freyja looks to the sky. ¡°I really wanted to kiss her,¡±This book''s true home is on another platform. Check it out there for the real experience. ¡°It sounds like you have a pretty good memory of her.¡± ¡°I did. Were you there when they found her?¡± I shake my head. ¡°I was there when Emily came back crying. Nobody really believed her at first except my brother who kicked everyone out. I was too fucked up to feel anything.¡± ¡°You¡¯re a monster.¡± ¡°I know.¡± Freyja looks at me again. ¡°I didn¡¯t find out until the morning when it was the only thing on Facebook. I thought it was a prank at first,¡± she almost laughs but stops herself. ¡°I never had such a shit day. Worst day of my life.¡± Freyja breaks out in small laughter. It¡¯s painful to hear. ¡°The last time I talked to her as a friend was right here. She confessed to me that she wanted to kill herself and I spun it to be about me because I thought her problems didn¡¯t compare to mine. I think that¡¯s why it¡¯s my fault. I could have stopped it.¡± Freyja doesn''t respond. We sit in silence once again as a light breeze starts to kick in. I think back to that night exact. I told her my darkest secret and put the weight on the tension on me. I didn¡¯t know she was serious, is that the crime? If I knew, would I have tried to stop her? ¡°You¡¯re a good person. It wasn¡¯t your fault. I can see that.¡± Again, I don¡¯t respond. I watch her play with her fingers as if she were nervous. She¡¯s uncomfortable and anxious. Freyja doesn¡¯t want to be here anymore. ¡°I¡¯m throwing a party at my house on Friday. Do you want to come?¡± ¡°No.¡± ¡°It¡¯s more a kickback, really.¡± ¡°No.¡± I walk her home afterward and Freyja goes in without a word. By the time I get home myself, the sun has already set. Andrew and Grace are watching a movie together on the couch. Grace is almost laying on his lap with a blanket over her and a bucket of popcorn on top of her head, held by Andrew. They barely acknowledge me as I close the front door and head upstairs to my room. Andrew¡¯s been in my room. His coat is on my bed with his phone laying on top of it. At most he thought I was home and threw his shit there before doing his things. It¡¯s not uncommon but then his phone lights up from a text as soon as I pick it up to give it back to him. It¡¯s from Jerrica who¡¯s probably some girl who he¡¯s trying to hook up with. ¡°Andrew, stop laying your shit in my room,¡± I throw him back his jacket but it lands on Grace¡¯s face. ¡°Dude, my popcorn,¡± Andrew complains. ¡°I took a nap there and I forgot, chill.¡± ¡°You have a room, you know?¡± ¡°Your bed is comfy,¡± Andrew just answers without looking away from the TV. Grace acts like I¡¯m not even here. ¡°I don¡¯t care. Sleep in your room. And you better not be bringing any girls over, you thot.¡± ¡°Fuck, you sound like Virginia.¡± Andrew jokes and Grace laughs. ¡°Lighten up, I¡¯ve been a good boy.¡± ¡°Where¡¯s Mom?¡± ¡°At the store, she¡¯ll be back in an hour,¡± Grace answers. ¡°Where were you?¡± ¡°With a friend. What¡¯s the movie?¡± I ask as I sit next to my brother. I don¡¯t need to know the answer because after five seconds I recognize it to be The Evil Dead. It¡¯s barely started so I haven¡¯t missed much. It¡¯s a good distraction and allows me not to think. This way I don''t have to be by myself and feel alone. I¡¯m fascinated by movies, a hobby picked up because of Virginia. When she first started to take care of me, that¡¯s all we did for the entire Summer. I want to go to school to study them. Being in drama class isn¡¯t enough to satisfy my hunger for knowledge on theatrics. There¡¯s something so wonderful about losing myself in a visual story. It¡¯s like a book but the direction is dictated by the vision of one person. I find them more impactful this way. I¡¯ve been studying films for so long now, I hope I¡¯m good enough to get into a school. Halfway through the movie, Virginia comes back but leaves us alone to make dinner for the night. Then the movie ends in a blink and Grace is the first one to get up. ¡°Call me when dinner¡¯s ready,¡± she says. Andrew navigates through his laptop that¡¯s he using to project to the TV to turn on another movie. This time it¡¯s Hellraiser. ¡°You have a thing for horror now?¡± ¡°Nah. I¡¯m just watching some movies this girl likes.¡± ¡°What¡¯s her name?¡± ¡°Does it matter? Andrew says opening his phone for the first time to send a text. He¡¯s texting the same girl I saw message him. It¡¯s an odd thing for him to do. By now he would be in excruciating detail about how deep he or how deep he¡¯s about to be in this girl. I let it go and go on watching the movie I¡¯ve already seen a couple years ago. When Virginia finishes dinner she heads straight to bed to get ready for the next day. Andrew and I eat in silence while the movie goes on. Grace comes down briefly but only to get her food and heads back upstairs. The night is uneventful as they always come but it¡¯s comforting, it¡¯s stable. A lot of nights are like this and I wouldn¡¯t have it any other way. I don¡¯t miss getting fucked up every night, but I miss the euphoria of drugs. I¡¯m better without them but damn are they good. I¡¯m sure Andrew misses it too, but I¡¯m equally as sure that he does shit without Virginia finding out. Watching this movie makes me think about this. The pleasures and pain of getting fucked up. It¡¯s almost nostalgic. I get a text toward the end of the movie. It¡¯s from Freyja. She says: How are you? I say: I¡¯m in thought, you? I¡¯m left in read. When I go back to my bed the negative thoughts come right back in. Unable to sleep I take a shower thank I lower myself into a bath. The lights are dim and I stare only at the ceiling as the water slowly fills up the tub. I think doing this was a bad idea because all I can hear is the silence of the water and nothing else. Sadness and depression are different things. Most people, or at least non depressed people don¡¯t know this. Most will just label sadness the latter and leave it at that when it lasts longer than usual. I¡¯ve heard tales that people who get anxiety really easy makes it even worse. I guess I do to in a way but it isn¡¯t too severe. Like now, I feel the void inside me getting wider and wider. In turn it makes my heart feel heavier and more numb. The world around me starts to lose its color and any sound that comes through is dulled out. And I just lay there, motionless, thoughtless. The thoughts I do manage to grab onto only disappear after a few seconds. And I lay there again, motionless and without a purpose. I want the water to be absorbed by my skin so I can drown that way, painless. There¡¯s no reason, it¡¯s just a thought. Really I just want all these feelings to go away so I can be happy again. I want everything to go back to normal so I don¡¯t have to feel like this anymore. It¡¯s wishful thinking, I know. Nothing can really go back to what it was and the only option is forward. This gives me the strength to get up and take a deep breath. I know what I¡¯m doing in my life, I have it planned out now. I know what I¡¯m doing with Freyja. I have to be confident in myself to be able to move forward. That¡¯s why I do things. That¡¯s what I¡¯ve been told to do. That¡¯s what has worked. I refuse to be like this and I refuse to let Freyja be this way too. In bed I start practicing the guitar and I start to process the entire day in since the moment I woke up. Most of it is passed over as it was unimportant. I guess most of life that happens is unimportant, we only really remember the good things and the bad things. Most important of all is remember the conversation I had with Freyja. She really opened up today. I then play back words that I glossed over at first. Did she say that she wanted to kiss Elizabeth? No, that couldn¡¯t be right. I stop playing the strings to think about it a little bit more. Dummy. It was there in front of you. Freyja was in love with Elizabeth. Sara VII Sara VII January 31st, 2014 There¡¯s a knock on the door in the middle of the night. It catches us off guard from the board game we¡¯re playing. Both Andrew and Grace don¡¯t know who it is but I do because I lied to Freyja. I lied and told her that I was throwing a kickback here and invited her. She¡¯s rejected me all week but I knew she couldn¡¯t help herself. She¡¯s finally accepted she needs a friend. Freyja is wearing a heavy coat to protect her from the cold. Most importantly, underneath is a black dress that stops at her knees. Her hair for the first time is actually neat and done. It¡¯s pulled back with her bangs parted to cover her ears. She didn¡¯t need to dress this nicely, but she did so anyways. Freyja is here to impress. Freyja is pretty, prettier than I remember. She¡¯s speechless when she realizes I had lied to her and there¡¯s nobody here. I can feel her wanting to leave but instead, she says, ¡°You weren¡¯t lying when you said small.¡± I can¡¯t help but smile at her and lead her inside. Andrew and Grace didn¡¯t seem to notice her or rather didn¡¯t care. Freyja was biting her lip when she looked at what my brother and Grace were wearing. Andrew was in shorts and shirtless, Grace was in her pajamas. I could feel Freyja want to leave even stronger now. I think it¡¯s weird that I can read her energy like this. ¡°Do we have to restart for her?¡± Andrew says rolling the dice to move his piece. ¡°No. I¡¯ll watch,¡± she says and then we stay silent for a while while Grace and Andrew fight for the number one spot. I struggle to keep up with them. ¡°Do you come over here often, Grace?¡± ¡°I live here, Jana,¡± Grace says. ¡°It¡¯s Freyja,¡± she responds and Grace looks at her for the first time. ¡°My real name is Freyja, and I didn¡¯t know that. Do you all live together? The rumors are true?¡± Andrew scoffs, ¡°don¡¯t talk about rumors,¡± he says in a sour tone. ¡°But yeah, we live together.¡± ¡°That¡¯s cool.¡± ¡°So what are you doing here, Frey-ja?¡± ¡°Sara invited me.¡± ¡°Obviously. Why¡¯d you say yes.¡± There are a few seconds of awkwardness. Grace continues to play her game. I give the stink eye to Andrew but nothing really helps Freyja feel more at ease. ¡°I don¡¯t know.¡± Andrew goes back to paying attention to the game and finally manages to get the number one spot. We¡¯ve played this game dozen of times, and Grace always wins. Andrew is just a few more steps away from beating her. ¡°Gracie, you¡¯re about to get your ass beat.¡± ¡°Fuck off, I¡¯m not out yet.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not sure about that. You still got a lot of learning to do.¡± I play my own game, just trying to figure out how to do better each time but this game involves math and I wasn¡¯t ever strong at it. Freyja watches closely by my side. ¡°Where¡¯re your parents?¡± She asks. ¡°Mom¡¯s working till the morning, we have the place for ourselves tonight. Dad¡¯s dead.¡± In Darkwood that means to throw a house party and get fucked up. In the Ciotta house that means sitting around and playing board games all night. ¡°Now that you¡¯re here,¡± Andrew chuckles, ¡°Be right back.¡± Andrew quickly gets up and heads to his room. He comes back a few seconds later with a half-empty bottle of Vodka and four shot glasses. ¡°It¡¯s what we the kids call, ¡®lit¡¯¡± he laughs. ¡°Andrew?! Were you hiding shit all along?¡± Grace stops the game. ¡°How long have you had that?¡± ¡°Like a day.¡± And the bottle is already half gone, probably in one night. I thought Andrew had been changing but I was right. He¡¯s still the alcoholic I knew. If living here isn¡¯t changing him, then nothing can I guess. But it doesn¡¯t matter when Freyja takes one of the glasses and Andrew pours her a shot. He pours all of us a shot but Freyja is on number three when Grace and I barely finish one. Andrew matches her and laughs when he notices. ¡°It¡¯s good Vodka,¡± she says. ¡°I only get the best,¡± My brother says, but he¡¯s lying. It¡¯s the same one he always gets. It¡¯s cheap and shitty in reality but Freyja doesn¡¯t drink much so she wouldn¡¯t know. My brother gives her these eyes that he gives a lot of girls. The ¡®I want to fuck you,¡± eyes. I¡¯m not sure I¡¯m comfortable with that. Then I¡¯m three shots deep and feel buzzed. Freyja drinks what¡¯s left and the game finishes with Grace somehow ending up winning again. Before the next game starts, Andrew gets another bottle from his room. He sits next to Grace and Freyja forming a circle around the board. The night progressed and pretty soon I found myself unable to observe what was going around me and only in front of me. The only thing in front of me was my brother and he was flirting with Freyja when I looked over to her. She¡¯s uninterested, instead, she looks over to me and smiles. It¡¯s a smile. I don¡¯t know what I did. Is she happy she¡¯s here? I can¡¯t tell. I look at her and it¡¯s a blur. She looks happy but it could also be a somber smile. Sometimes there is no difference. I think about my mother. She wore those somber smiles. I couldn¡¯t see them. I couldn¡¯t tell the difference. I see her in the bathtub and remember the blood. I remember the blood. I remember the cuts. I remember the¡­ ¡°Sara?¡± Freyja pulls me out. ¡°You okay?¡± It¡¯s my turn and I haven¡¯t moved. Andrew and Grace are talking so they haven¡¯t noticed. This game is taking a lot longer than usual. It¡¯s not because Freyja is an extra body, but it¡¯s because we¡¯re all drunk; some more than others. Once I finish my turn I realize I¡¯m not losing, Freyja is. sHe doesn¡¯t mind because it looks like she¡¯s having fun. Again, I can¡¯t tell. Another round passes and I¡¯m firmly in the lead. My drunk self rub in my sister and brother and they don¡¯t take it well. Andrew hates losing to me, he can¡¯t stand it. He gets pissed and turns the tables on me and Grace the next round. He rubs it in my face. Andrew celebrates by drinking half the bottle of vodka and I wish I was exaggerating. ¡°How can you drink so much?¡± Freyja asks. ¡°My throat is dead like my will to live,¡± Andrew laughs in his iconic annoying laughter. ¡°I drink every day.¡± ¡°How can you afford it?¡± ¡°The liquor store owner owes me.¡± This is true. I¡¯ve been with him once when he bought liquor. The owner is an old Asian man who¡¯s always happy to see him. Andrew never confessed to what he did but I heard some theories. Emily said he saved the man¡¯s life, and Cody said Andrew saved the man from Lyle. Lyle. Shit. I start to think about him again. My kidnapper, the manipulator, my almost master. I look at Freyja who has her jacket off. Her dress is sleeveless and I can see her collarbone. It¡¯s hot. It¡¯s attractive. I want to kiss her but that would be crossing the line. She¡¯ll never see me that way. I¡¯m not even sure she¡¯s gay. Then out of nowhere, Freyja wins the game. Andrew was too drunk to outsmart us and Grace was passing out. I¡¯m just bad at the game. ¡°I¡¯m gonna take Gracie to bed,¡± Andrew says picking the girl up. He walks like he isn¡¯t drunk. He comes back a few minutes later after I said nothing to Freyja. ¡°¡®Kay, now that the child is asleep, I have a question for you, Jana.¡± ¡°It¡¯s Freyja.¡± ¡°It¡¯s Jana, fuck off.¡± ¡°What do you want?¡± Jana¡¯s tone is angry. It¡¯s only now that it clicks on why Jana was uncomfortable. Jana blames Andrew more than anyone else. It¡¯s confirmed that Andrew got Ellie pregnant and that¡¯s what everyone believes happened. ¡°I know what Sara is doing, alright? And I¡¯m sorry.¡± ¡°What?¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry I¡¯m a dickhead. I¡¯m sorry I fucked her up.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t care. I¡¯m too drunk to care,¡± she slurs. ¡°I¡¯m over it. I just want to be left alone about it, alright?¡± Andrew lies down on the floor and sighs. ¡°I¡¯m not what everyone says I am. Or at least I¡¯m trying, I don¡¯t want to be that anymore.¡± Andrew never talks about things like this with me so I stay quiet. I¡¯m not even here. ¡°You¡¯re the devil.¡± Andrew laughs at Freyja or perhaps at himself, ¡°I know.¡± ¡°How did it happen?¡± ¡°What?¡± ¡°Why did you fuck her?¡± Andrew gets up and smirks, scratching his head. ¡°She was pissed off at Cody and high off Winter. She gave into her impulses and I let her. It was at the back of this shitty Toyota I like to joyride and honestly, it wasn¡¯t that good.¡± ¡°Okay,¡± Freyja¡¯s voice is weak. ¡°It¡¯s okay.¡± Andrew starts to laugh. It¡¯s different; there¡¯s pain. Out of the blurriness of my eyes, I can see him wiping his face. Is he crying? ¡°I um,¡± He stops. Freyja isn¡¯t looking at him but she¡¯s still listening. ¡°I know the real reason why she, uh, did what she did.¡± Andrew stops as he expects her to say something but she doesn¡¯t. There were a lot of theories. Most of them make no sense. Two do. She was pregnant or lost her mind because of the drugs. I didn¡¯t know Andrew had another one. ¡°She um,¡± Andrew stops again. ¡°Just say it.¡± ¡°There isn¡¯t a single reason. I¡¯ve thought about it for months. It was chaotic. It was overwhelming for her and nobody did anything. Then she hung around Lyle when we stopped giving her drugs. Lyle did the exact same thing he did to me, what he does to everyone¡± ¡°Andrew, what are you saying?¡± I finally speak up. I¡¯m sobering up. It¡¯s this heavy talking that¡¯s doing it. Andrew is crying but isn¡¯t showing it. This is the first time since our mother died that I¡¯ve seen him do this. It¡¯s...warming. ¡°When you owe Lyle, he owns you until he decides he doesn¡¯t. He makes you do whatever he wants you to do. He made Elizabeth collect money that people owe him and with a smile at that too. That¡¯s what I did.¡± ¡°Andrew?¡± ¡°Is this what she was crying about at my church?¡± Freyja stares at the floor. Andrew shakes his head and wipes his eyes and shows his eyes for the first time. They¡¯re burning red. I can feel the regret, I can feel his sadness. ¡°She killed someone. I know it. I know because I did it too.¡±If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it. What? ¡°You¡¯re lying,¡± Freyja¡¯s voice is hoarse like she didn¡¯t want to say those words. Andrew can¡¯t control himself. ¡°I¡¯m a piece of shit. It was all my fault. I¡¯m a monster. I...I¡­¡± ¡°Andy, stop!¡± I hold his hand because I don¡¯t know what else to do. Andrew is telling the truth. Do I call the cops? Do I tell someone? Do I tell my mother Virginia? I don¡¯t want to. I can¡¯t lose Andrew. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, Sara. I¡¯m sorry, Jana.¡± This isn¡¯t Andrew. ¡°Go ahead and call the cops on me. I¡¯m going to bed.¡± Andrew gets up and rubs the top of my head. ¡°Goodnight.¡± Freyja and I sit in silence for minutes. I don¡¯t believe Andrew. Andrew is messed up but he would never do something like that. That¡¯s too much, even for him. Andrew left the bottle of vodka with us. There isn¡¯t much left but Freyja starts to drink. I take the bottle away from her when I feel that it¡¯s a bit too much and start drinking too. She watches me and giggles. ¡°That was heavy stuff. Do you believe him?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know. I know him, he would never do that. Andrew would never cross that line.¡± Freyja and I laugh nervously, ¡°He¡¯s just being a drunk asshole.¡± ¡°Your brother was honest. I¡¯m thankful for that,¡± she slurs. ¡°He¡¯s a dick. I¡¯m sorry about that.¡± ¡°No. I needed to hear it,¡± Freyja says getting up to stretch. Instead, she stumbles and lands on the couch, and starts to laugh. She¡¯s so much different now. I know that wall is still there but it''s this alcohol that weakens it. ¡°I don¡¯t blame anyone anymore. I think it took you talking to me to realize that. I think that¡¯s why I¡¯m here. I want a friend.¡± ¡°I know,¡± I smile. Freyja gets up from the couch and yawns. ¡°This is the first time I¡¯ve dressed like this in months. Do you think it suits me?¡± ¡°Yeah, you look pretty.¡± ¡°Thanks,¡± she lays down again. ¡°I lost faith in myself. I hate myself.¡± ¡°Why?¡± Freyja shakes her head. ¡°I don¡¯t want to talk about it.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t be stubborn.¡± ¡°Why do you live with Grace? How did that happen?¡± I chuckle, ¡°It¡¯s a long story.¡± ¡°You¡¯re not comfortable talking about it then. I¡¯m not stupid.¡± I laugh this time because she¡¯s right. ¡°Yeah, I guess. I¡¯m really glad you came tonight, even if it wasn¡¯t what you were expecting.¡± ¡°It¡¯s refreshing really, so I should thank you.¡± Freyja lays down on the couch and sighs. I myself get up but doing so gets my blood flowing and the alcohol hits me even harder. ¡°Why did you dye your hair brown last year? I like it how it was now.¡± ¡°Brown is my natural color.¡± ¡°And why back to black?¡± ¡°Because,¡± I pause to get my bearings. ¡°I¡¯m a sad bitch who was weak enough to let the darkness take over again.¡± ¡°Darkness?¡± ¡°It¡¯s where I live.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡± Freyja gets up from her seat once again and struggles to stand up. She¡¯s way fucked up than I am so it wouldn¡¯t be a good idea to let her leave. Come to think of it, I don¡¯t know if she walked or drove here. ¡°It¡¯s getting late, you can sleep in my room and I¡¯ll sleep with Gracie.¡± ¡°Huh?¡± Freyja looks over at me. She was observing the photos on the walls. ¡°No, that¡¯s okay, I¡¯ll sleep on the couch. This is your house, I don¡¯t want to be rude.¡± ¡°It¡¯s not a big deal,¡± I chuckle. ¡°Come on, I¡¯ll show you up.¡± I extend my hand and she takes it. Her touch is very warm and soft but I guess that¡¯s expected from a woman. Still, It¡¯s good enough to note. I try to think of a reason why I have to hold her hand but I guess she¡¯s too drunk to walk by herself. Freyja says, ¡°What does Gracie¡¯s mom do to be able to afford the three of you?¡± ¡°She¡¯s a nurse,¡± ¡°Oh, neat,¡± Freyja giggles. ¡°She also inherited the house.¡± Once we reach the top, Freyja stumbles on her own foot and drags my arm down as she falls. I let go but it¡¯s too late, I¡¯m falling too. Freyja lands on her butt but my fall pushes her to the floor. I¡¯m pretty sure she hits me with her knee on my stomach as it hurts pretty bad. At least we didn¡¯t fall down the stairs. Freyja opens her eyes and our eyes are locked onto each other, just inches apart. I¡¯m on top of her grabbing her left wrist and my left hand is her breast. I don¡¯t move it as I like it and Freyja doesn¡¯t say anything. I feel her breathing getting slower then I look at her open mouth. She gulps down like she¡¯s preparing for something. I back off when I notice her eyes close. I lift her up and help her get into my room as Freyja is unable to walk by herself anymore. She lies completely dead in my bed as she passes out. I think I stare longer than I should. By god is she beautiful. I¡¯ve had crushes before but this is greater than I ever felt. Freyja is truly super duper cute and I want to get on top of her. I want to have my way with her. What the fuck? Did I actually have that thought? Freyja moves herself to get comfortable and in doing so shows off her luscious legs. I remove her heels so she¡¯ll sleep well but her aroma entrances me. Stop it. It¡¯s you¡¯re just drunk. It¡¯s best that I just leave the room. I go downstairs to get her a glass of water because I know she¡¯ll wake up at one point completely dehydrated. Once I get back upstairs, Andrew is waiting outside of his room. His eyes are completely red but dry. I look over to Grace¡¯s room only to see her lights are off. ¡°Are you okay?¡± I ask him. Andrew smiles and nods, ¡°Yeah. I¡¯m sorry for saying all that shit. It wasn¡¯t my place.¡± ¡°No, it¡¯s okay. I think it¡¯s good.¡± Andrew scoffs and enters his room. I¡¯m right behind him when puts on a shirt. ¡°I¡¯ve been thinking about it a lot. A lot that happened is my fault, isn''t it?¡± ¡°You don¡¯t have to blame yourself.¡± ¡°But I do.¡± ¡°When I almost killed Ems. Everything with Lyle. The corruption of Grace, It¡¯s all me.¡± I almost laugh. ¡°You didn¡¯t do anything to Grace.¡± Andrew shakes his head and sits down on his bed. ¡°I took her to a rave last year. I gave her molly and almost fucked her. When I saw how badly she wanted it, that¡¯s when I stopped myself. And here I am, living in her house and with her pretending nothing ever happened.¡± ¡°Andrew...what the fuck.¡± ¡°I know. I¡¯m a monster. ¡°Did you actually?¡± My brother shakes his head violently. ¡°No! It was in the heat of the moment. I regret that I even tried. I was just so fucked up then, y¡¯know?¡± I sit next to him, afraid of him and comfortable with him. ¡°Why are you telling me this now?¡± ¡°There¡¯s this girl. I like this girl, she likes me back but I don¡¯t deserve her. I¡¯m this monster who doesn¡¯t deserve to be happy because of everything I did.¡± ¡°Andrew, You¡¯re not a monster,¡± I lie. Well, at least not anymore. He¡¯s changed, he isn¡¯t who he used to be. Still, he is with his demons right now. ¡°Does she know all of this?¡± He shakes his head again. ¡°No. But once I tell her I¡¯m sure she won¡¯t ever talk to me again. I decided I¡¯ll do it in person, once the school year ends and we graduate.¡± ¡°And you¡¯re scared?¡± ¡°I¡¯m going to tell Virginia first, then Jerrica. I¡¯ve already decided.¡± ¡°I¡¯ll be there with you when you do,¡± I hold his hand. Andrew is shivering as if he¡¯s cold. More like he¡¯s just scared right now. This is probably the first time he ever let his emotions out like this. No, I¡¯m sure it is. Andrew lets his head rest on my shoulder for the first time in ages. It¡¯s usually another way around. ¡°I¡¯ll always be there for you, Andy.¡± ¡°Thank you, Sara.¡± He says weakly. ¡°I¡¯ve been having dreams about Mom lately. She was an angel, wasn¡¯t she?¡± ¡°Yeah,¡± I nod. ¡°Please remember her like that. Always.¡± ¡°Of course.¡± It¡¯s an odd thing to say. Of course, I still remember her like that. It¡¯s not like she treated us badly or anything. Her suicide wasn¡¯t anything we could have prevented. I have grown past that. ¡°I¡¯m going to sleep now so leave. Make sure your girlfriend drinks that water.¡± ¡°She¡¯s not my girlfriend,¡± I say standing up. Andrew laughs, ¡°Don¡¯t bullshit the bullshitter. I see the way you look at her.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know what you¡¯re talking about.¡± ¡°Maybe you just haven¡¯t noticed.¡± ¡°Whatever.¡± I leave and go to my room to drop off the glass of water. Freyja is sleeping peacefully above the covers and is hugging on my pillows. Andrew¡¯s wrong, I have noticed. But it¡¯s not my place. Freyja isn¡¯t a girl who would ever see me like that. I know this. She said she wanted to kiss Elizabeth. But she has fucked at least two guys that I know of. Maybe she¡¯s bisexual. Didn¡¯t she say she used to be religious? Shit, I¡¯ve been staring too long. Her eyes are open. Shit. I turn around to leave and give her some rest but I¡¯m stopped when I feel her getting up. ¡°I don¡¯t want to sleep alone. I had a nightmare.¡± I turn back around and see that she¡¯s only has her eyes half open. I¡¯m not even sure if she knows who I am right now. ¡°Please?¡± ¡°Okay.¡± Freyja lies down when I get next to her. I pull the covers so she¡¯s under them and let her wrap herself around them. She leaves me with almost nothing but that¡¯s okay. I can still smell her and it¡¯s entrancing me again. ¡°Oh, sorry. I took them all,¡± Freyja says trying to give me some warmth but push the covers back to her. ¡°It¡¯s okay. I don¡¯t need them.¡± ¡°Thank you,¡± Freyja whispers after a couple of seconds. ¡°Thank you for being so stubborn and not giving up on me like everyone else.¡± ¡°It¡¯s okay. I¡¯m sorry for not doing anything until now.¡± ¡°It¡¯s fine. You were right. I don¡¯t think I could ever go through this alone,¡± She pauses and turns around to face me. I can barely see under all the darkness, but she¡¯s still there. ¡°But I don¡¯t know how you can understand me. You say you do but I don¡¯t believe you.¡± I sigh. There¡¯s a lot of shit I can tell her, but I¡¯m too drunk and too tired to remember it all. I get that she wants to be able to trust me, but it¡¯s too painful for me to admit it all again. ¡°I almost took my life multiple times because of how shitty I felt.¡± ¡°Can you tell me?¡± ¡°No. Not yet, I don¡¯t think I¡¯m ready.¡± ¡°Okay,¡± she frowns. ¡°I tried to kill myself a few months ago. I¡¯m glad I failed, I wouldn¡¯t be here If I didn¡¯t.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry that you feel like this, Freyja. It sucks, I know. But I¡¯m glad you¡¯re here. I¡¯m glad you¡¯re still alive because I know you¡¯re meant to be much more.¡± Is that you talking? Or are you just repeating what Lyle told you? Freyja smiles again, ¡°You can call me Fey. That¡¯s what my brother calls me.¡± ¡°Okay.¡± ¡°Sara?¡± ¡°Yeah?¡± ¡°Nothing,¡± Fey laughs. ¡°Nevermind. I¡¯m still drunk.¡± I laugh with her too because it¡¯s a cute laugh. I think the more I¡¯m around her the better I can feel her if that makes any sense. At the same time the lust grows inside me and now that I¡¯m aware of it, I can keep it at bay. ¡°You¡¯re wonderful.¡± ¡°What Andrew did earlier, I think I needed that. He¡¯s not the person I thought he was, and I¡¯m grateful. You surround yourself with good people and I¡¯m sorry for thinking badly of you. Thank you for being my friend.¡± ¡°Anytime.¡± She¡¯s crying. It¡¯s nothing noticeable but I can see the little glimmer from her small tears. ¡°My heart hurts and I don¡¯t know why. It¡¯s like a piece of me that I lost is trying to come back but I won¡¯t let it, and it¡¯s hurting me.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡± ¡°Did you know that I lied to everyone just to become popular? I lied to get everyone to like me and to get people to be my friend.¡± ¡°What do you mean?¡± ¡°I lied to everyone that I had sex with this guy just so everyone wouldn¡¯t judge me for being a prude. Elizabeth was proud that she was teaching me how to be popular so I started lying to make her happy. Truth is I was this religious girl who was too afraid to sin.¡± ¡°And you¡¯re not now?¡± ¡°I¡¯m a disgrace to God for who I let myself become.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t see how? You¡¯re a good person.¡± Fey turns back around and I lay on my back to stare at the ceiling. ¡°If I told my parents, I would get disowned.¡± ¡°Is it that bad?¡± ¡°Maybe. I don¡¯t want it to be,¡± Fey yawns. ¡°I¡¯m a monster in the eyes of God and my parents. If I tell you, do you promise to keep it?¡± ¡°Okay. I promise.¡± ¡°I fell In love with Elizabeth. I¡¯m gay. Nobody knows and it¡¯s eating me.¡± Is that it? Part of me is happy that she is. My selfish desires tell me to kiss her now because I want her. But I don¡¯t understand why it¡¯s eating her up inside. It¡¯s not a big deal. Then again, I wasn¡¯t raised to be religious so I won¡¯t understand. I understood that I was scared of my brother finding out, but I was never scared of liking girls. Because of this, I choose not to respond. Do I tell her I¡¯m gay? ¡°Can you say something?¡± ¡°It¡¯s not the end of the world.¡± Fey doesn¡¯t say anything back. She turns around and looks me in the eyes. There¡¯s a brightness to her. She isn¡¯t as sad as she was moments before. Am I really helping her this much? I¡¯m glad but it¡¯s going really fast. No, I¡¯m sure it¡¯s more complicated than this. Fey mouths out, ¡°I¡¯m scared,¡± or at least something close to that. I feel her body move around a bit before I feel her hand grab hold of my wrist. I turn to my side to face her once again. ¡°Can you help me?¡± ¡°Yeah, with what?¡± Every single part of my body is telling me to kiss her. It¡¯s getting really hard to resist it. My mind plays this scenario where I get on top of her and force myself on her. I shut this shit down. ¡°I don¡¯t know,¡± Fey says. With that, she closes her eyes when her hand lets go of my wrist and wraps her fingers around mine instead. ¡°Please don''t let me be alone.¡± ¡°Do you want to go to the Valentine¡¯s Day dance with me?¡± Freyja seemingly goes to sleep as she doesn¡¯t say anything for a long time. I finally shut my eyes and when I do, they shut hard and I feel my brain shutting down for the night. The only thing I feel is Freyja''s fingers slowly moving to feel my hand. Some time passes. It feels like hours but I know it¡¯s not true when Fey finally replies, ¡°Okay.¡± Sara VIII February 13th, 2014 Freyja sits at our lunch table for the ninth day in a row. She still dressed like a bum but at least she gets her hair down every once in a while. Fey still rarely talks but she listens to everything we talk about and occasionally laughs at our jokes. Inviting her to our house was the right thing to do. I do miss her talking a lot but I guess that was her only being drunk. Today Freyja stares off into the distance while Andrew and I argue for argument''s sake. Everyone has now started to forget about Bo¡¯s video or they just don¡¯t care. The only one who hasn''t let it go is Amanda. I often see her confront Fey in the hallways but I¡¯m never able to step in because it never lasts long. The only time I ever did have the chance to interfere, my brother did it for me. It was just this past Monday when Amanda came to our table to scoff at all of us with her groupies. ¡°Ew, you¡¯re still with these losers? I thought you were better than that. You¡¯re such a traitor,¡± She said. ¡°Hey at least she isn¡¯t insecure enough to waste her time making fun of others to make herself feel better about that fucked up nose you have there,¡± Andrew retaliated. It caused Amanda to subconsciously check her nose which I thought was pretty funny. This at least showed Fey that Andrew cares about her too. At least I hope. I look at Fey when she¡¯s too out of it to notice. The night I slept next to her was one of the most peaceful. It took a while but holding her hand and hearing her breathe was one of the most soothing things I¡¯ve ever felt. I woke up the following day with more energy than I had in a long time. My heart was pounding when I woke up with Freyja''s head sleeping on my chest. She had been holding me the entire night I guess. I don¡¯t remember what I dreamt about. I know that there was darkness all around me and I couldn¡¯t see around me. I looked around and there was nothing until I found this flicker of light like a lighter. That¡¯s all I can remember. Right now I daydream I pull out another cigarette. I take my leave outside the room and light it right up. I smoke two packs through the night and maybe even take a sip of wine. The ashes burn slowly and bright until there is nothing left. Freyja comes out and says, ¡°Do you have a light?¡± I nod and give her a cigarette. Fey leans out to the balcony and takes a drag. I imagine we¡¯re outside of the ballroom just wanting to get away from it all. We¡¯re all in dresses as fancy as they can be. The smoke from the cigarettes wraps around us and forms a cloud to take us up above. I think about the moment when Freyja woke up. She groan and begged for someone to kill her as she had this killer headache. I helped her drink the water I laid out hours before and she thanked me for looking out for her. I didn¡¯t bother to ask her about our conversation hours prior, I figured she had forgotten it. I walked her home shortly after that. We didn¡¯t say a word to each other until we were at her doorstep. ¡°Thanks. I¡¯ll see you at school,¡± she said. Freyja smiles as Andrew starts to get mad because he¡¯s too stubborn to accept that he¡¯s wrong. She doesn''t even look at us when she does. Her smile is warming to look at. It¡¯s better than the constant nonexistent glare she always had. For once, I¡¯m stopped by her after school. She talks to me through my locker like a scene from every teen tv show ever. ¡°Do you want to come to my house?¡± she asks. ¡°Okay,¡± I don¡¯t hesitate. I walk behind her and we don¡¯t say anything again. She walks much faster than usual like she¡¯s in a hurry. I try to keep up but I¡¯m not good at being fast. Freyja''s house is decorated with religion. There¡¯s a Jesus this, bible that, and proverbs everywhere. She wasn¡¯t kidding when she was raised like this. Although, she threw a party here once and there was none of this back then. ¡°This wasn¡¯t here last time I was here, last year.¡± ¡°My brother hid it all so we would seem normal, well what he could,¡± Fey explains as she takes me upstairs to her room. ¡°He¡¯s trying hard to be popular so he doesn¡¯t let anyone know he¡¯s all into God and all.¡± ¡°So he¡¯s lying too?¡± Fey nods, ¡°I told him that¡¯s a sin too, but he¡¯s not as religious as the rest of us.¡± ¡°But you aren¡¯t either anymore.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not allowed to be,¡± Fey says entering her room. It¡¯s decorated with a few posters but it¡¯s mostly bland. It¡¯s a nice sky blue with white furniture and is much cleaner than my room. Come to think of it, I¡¯m not sure why I¡¯m here. I blindly followed her here. ¡°I don¡¯t think God cares if you like girls or not.¡± ¡°But he does!¡± Fey unexpectedly raises her voice. ¡°Sorry. I don¡¯t expect you to understand. It¡¯s okay though. I renounced my faith a while ago. Might as well.¡± Fey sits down on her desk chair and I have no idea what to do. I figure sitting on her bed is better than standing. ¡°But I talked to your brother earlier today.¡± ¡°Oh, did he try to hit on you again? I¡¯m sorry.¡± Fay shakes her head, ¡°No, nothing like that,¡± she laughs. ¡°He actually apologized for doing it that night.¡± Andrew doesn¡¯t apologize, so I hope she¡¯s lying. ¡°No, I uh, asked him what I should do about it.¡± ¡°You told Andrew?¡± ¡°I feel like I can trust him as I trust you.¡± Oh. So she does remember. ¡°Do you know what he said?¡± ¡°Called you a pussy and told you to do what you want?¡± Fey laughs, ¡°Yeah, pretty much. I guess you would know him that well.¡± She¡¯s playing around with her fingers. Fey¡¯s nervous. ¡°I told him a lot of things, But I don¡¯t think I can wait.¡± ¡°What do you mean?¡±This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report. Fey tucks her lips under her teeth and feels her heartbeat getting stronger. This time the connection I have with her is stronger. It¡¯s the same one that allows me to know how¡¯s she feeling and I haven¡¯t been able to explain it. Fey stands up and walks over to one of her posters next to her door. I haven¡¯t seen this one. It¡¯s of Emmah Melody Ryan. ¡°So I have two tickets to her concert next month.¡± ¡°Wait what?!¡± Emmah is the most popular artist in the world. Trying to get a ticket for her concert is nearly impossible unless you¡¯re stupid rich. They always go on sale a year before and sell out in minutes. I¡¯ve been a dream to go someday. ¡°How?!¡± ¡°Believe it or not, she came inside my parent¡¯s church one afternoon looking for guidance. My mom mentioned how big of a fan I was so she gave her four tickets for all of us to go. My mom and dad don¡¯t do concerts so they donated theirs. Alex isn¡¯t a fan and doesn¡¯t want to go.¡± ¡°Oh my god!¡± Is she asking me to go with her? This is amazing. This is a big deal. Those tickets are worth thousands. Emmah isn¡¯t just an artist, she¡¯s considered the greatest musician of our generation and people say they won¡¯t be another one in a few hundred years. She¡¯s the Mozart of the modern world. Everything she makes public is a masterpiece that very few people don¡¯t enjoy. There are rumors that there are hundreds if not thousands of completed classical pieces that she refuses to release. The best part is that the only way to ever see her is at a live concert as she never shows her face to the public. I¡¯m going way off-topic by fangirling. ¡°Do you want to go with me?¡± ¡°Yes!¡± I don¡¯t think about it and get up to hug her. Fey hugs back for like a second and then drops her arms. I let go and she says, ¡°That¡¯s not the only thing we talked about.¡± ¡°What else?¡± I notice our faces are just a foot apart. ¡°He told me that you like girls too,¡± and bam! He has both of my hands around hers as she quickly pecks me on the lips. She opens her eyes and she¡¯s all red, it''s adorable but she doesn¡¯t let go. I should kiss her back, but I hold back. Fey looks at me looking for me to do something or say something. When I do she feels her pull her hands away but stops herself, she¡¯s made up her mind. This time I allow myself to close my eyes as her lips connect to mine. It''s a peck, then she grabs my upper lip, then I grab her bottom lip, then her top, then I pull her close and then my heart starts to melt. It doesn¡¯t last longer than three seconds until Fey pulls herself back. I take my time to open my eyes because my heart is still recovering. It¡¯s unlike anything I have ever felt and I can¡¯t describe it yet. Fey is completely red and lets go of my hands as she turns away to cover her face. ¡°I¡¯m so sorry!¡± I¡¯m stunned, really. I let her decide what to do next because right now this is her story. This is Fey figuring herself out as I did a few years ago. Fey turns around a few seconds later and finally calmed down. ¡°It wasn¡¯t my place, I¡¯m sorry.¡± ¡°It¡¯s alright,¡± I giggle. ¡°No. It¡¯s not right. I took advantage and I didn¡¯t even ask if I could. I¡¯ve sinned again.¡± ¡°Fey, did you like it?¡± because that¡¯s all that matters. It doesn''t matter if she thinks she went against God or shit, she needs to figure this out. It¡¯s not until she¡¯s comfortable with who she is that she can move on. Fey stays silent for a while and looks away, ¡°Yeah, I liked it. I really liked it. I¡¯m a monster.¡± ¡°Am I a monster for liking it too? Is that what you¡¯re saying?¡± ¡°What? No! I didn¡¯t mean it like-no, it¡¯s just,¡± Fey stumbles over her words unable to find a proper response. ¡°I¡¯m not supposed to be gay. I¡¯m supposed to take over the church and stay a virgin until marriage. I can¡¯t do any of that.¡± ¡°Because you like girls? It¡¯s 2014, nobody will care!¡± ¡°You don¡¯t understand! You won¡¯t ever understand because my parents didn''t raise you!¡± I made some poor choices of words. I¡¯ve been told that being shown is better than being told, I think that applies here. I take a step in and forcefully kiss her back. ¡°Isn¡¯t this why I¡¯m here right now? Isn¡¯t this why you¡¯re opening up to me? You like me, Fey.¡± Freyja doesn¡¯t respond. She¡¯s lost, I feel it. She wants to explore these new feelings she has but she¡¯s too afraid to do so. There¡¯s a war inside her right now. Fey has never felt this way before. ¡°Do you like me?¡± ¡°More than I want to.¡± Fey takes a step back to give herself space. I want to know what she¡¯s thinking and the connection I have with her is straining. It¡¯s her body language. I can read her body language, that¡¯s how I know. ¡°Is that why you even started to talk to me? So I can be one of your little conquests?¡± ¡°No. I didn¡¯t want to see you go down a path of self-destruction. I still want that. I just think think you¡¯re really pretty and whatever I feel has been slowly growing the more I get to know you.¡± ¡°You¡¯re lying, I¡¯m not pretty,¡± she says weakly going over to her bed and laying on it. ¡°No. You are, you¡¯re just trying to hide it. You¡¯re a gentle soul with a very kind heart. You¡¯re not selfish and you want others to be happy before you are.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t know a thing about me.¡± Freyja is trying to block me out again. It¡¯s a lot easier to see through her defenses now since the last time she tried doing this. ¡°So am I just wasting my time? Because if I am, you¡¯re wasting your time too.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t want to have these feelings for you. I don¡¯t even know why I have them. I want them to go away,¡± Freyja is talking to the wall more than she is to me, but that¡¯s okay. I would do the same thing. ¡°I don¡¯t want anything to happen between us. I just want to be friends.¡± ¡°That¡¯s okay, Fey. We don¡¯t have to do anything.¡± ¡°And you¡¯re okay with that?¡± ¡°Of course. I wanted to be your friend in the first place.¡± Fey turns around to face me again. ¡°I¡¯m a blue flower.¡± Blue flower. That¡¯s what Elizabeth kept saying. She was called a blue flower. Elizabeth said it¡¯s more like morning glory. I think I get what she meant now. I wonder if Freyja does. ¡°More like Morning Glory.¡± Freyja''s eyes widen but doesn¡¯t say anything in response. She understands, and I think I sort of understand what it means to Fey. Yeah, she¡¯s sad, but it¡¯s more complex than that. She¡¯s in a complex of emotions and struggles. There are dozen of sides pulling her apart, all trying to take over. Yeah, she¡¯s still mourning, but she was in love and doesn¡¯t know how to deal with that especially since it¡¯s against her beliefs. I think this is what she means when she says that. The funny thing is, Cody is the first one to say that to Elizabeth, messing with her head because he¡¯s manipulates people like that. I bet it had no real meaning when he said it and ironically it has a great meaning now. Fey is back into that darkness. ¡°Do you still want to go to the dance tomorrow? As friends?¡± ¡°Okay,¡± she doesn¡¯t smile. ¡°I¡¯ll come over to your house when I¡¯m ready.¡± ¡°Cool. I¡¯m sorry about today. Let''s put it behind us, okay?¡± ¡°Okay?¡± As I¡¯m walking home I notice the sky is much darker than when I left school. It looks like it¡¯s about to rain rain but I don¡¯t feel the humidity in air. The sky seems to get darker little by little as I walk towards the direction of my house and eventually I smell the burning wood. It¡¯s sweet and pleasant. There¡¯s another forest fire on the hills again. Sometimes I feel like my entire life is a forest fire. Police sirens slowly get louder and louder towards my direction which is rare in this quiet town where nothing ever happens. Eventually it blasts my ears as a cruiser flies by me, pushing me a bit back by the wind it generate. As it speeds away I notice a flower is got in its way and is now floating down in front of me. I catch it and I don¡¯t know if its coincidence, irony, or fate. It¡¯s morning glory. Sara IX February 14th, 2014 Freyja Elledge knocks on the door. She wears the exact same black dress she did when she came over two weeks ago. Fey warned me beforehand that this is the only thing nice she had and didn¡¯t want to tell her parents she was coming to this thing. This is what she¡¯s forced to wear because of it but I told her it was fine. There are only three people that know she¡¯s worn that pretty dress before. Andrew and Grace greet her as they go outside to the car so they can wait for us. They¡¯re going together. Mostly because Grace couldn''t get a date and because no girl wants to get near Andrew anymore. At least that is what he says. I know the truth. There¡¯s still a bunch of girls wanting to fuck him but now I know he doesn''t do anything about it because of this Jerrica girl he refuses to talk about. The only other Jerrica I know is Emily¡¯s sister but that¡¯s not even an option I¡¯ll consider. I have been wrong before but Jerrica isn¡¯t the type of person to fall for my brother. He¡¯s a drunk that gives us alcohol in the car. Everyone accepts although I stop him from drinking as he¡¯s driving. I haven¡¯t been to any school dances so I don¡¯t know what to expect. I¡¯ve seen plenty of movies romanticize the idea where this where change happens and people fall in love or get in fights. This is a night to remember and therefore it is an important one. I wonder if this is true for me and Freyja but I doubt it. Real life is more complicated than that. People don¡¯t pay attention to us when we walk in. A teacher handing out the tickets doesn''t even recognize Freyja. Andrew immediately leaves us to whatever he does. Grace excuses herself to join her friends and leaves me alone with Freyja. I didn¡¯t expect this to happen this fast so Freyja and I just awkwardly watch people dance without saying a word to each other. Luckily after a while, Andrew comes back with two cups of punch and hands them to us. I take a sip, vodka, unsurprisingly. Freyja chugs her down as fast as she can. I¡¯m forced to do the same when a teacher comes up from behind Andrew. ¡°Mr. Mera, I wasn¡¯t expecting you to come tonight.¡± ¡°Life is filled with disappointments, isn¡¯t it?¡± Andrew claps back. ¡°Well I hope you don¡¯t do anything to ruin everyone¡¯s fun,¡± he eyes the cups in our hands. He probably suspects something but he has no proof as of now. Andrew spiked these specific drinks, not the whole bowl. ¡°Wouldn¡¯t be the first time,¡± he smirks. ¡°Andrew, can you get me another drink?¡± Freyja says. Andrew nods and heads back. The teacher turns his attention to Freyja. ¡°Who are you? This is a student-only event.¡± ¡°Freyja,¡± I answer. ¡°Who?¡± ¡°It¡¯s Jana. Jana Kramer?¡± Freyja responds in a sassy manner. ¡°Freyja is my real name and now my preferred name, get it right.¡± I can tell she¡¯s a bit buzzed or at least tipsy. She¡¯s too shy and sober to act like this. ¡°Oh right, enjoy your night.¡± We¡¯re left alone for a second again and we do the same thing and do not talk to each other. Perhaps yesterday should have never happened. Yes, the kiss felt amazing and game changing but I don¡¯t think it was the right time for it. She said didn¡¯t want to be like this, she wants to forget about it. She¡¯s hiding, but that¡¯s okay, she needs time. It doesn¡¯t matter if we don¡¯t end up together, I don¡¯t think that''s the point of trying to help her. Freyja needs to be comfortable with who she is, whoever it is. Andrew comes back and Freyja doesn¡¯t hesitate to drink the cup in one go again. This time she coughs. Andrew leaves as soon as he came and I really wish he didn¡¯t. It¡¯s too awkward for me to deal with it. I have no idea what to say. Unfortunately, I say the first thing that pops up in my mind. ¡°Why don¡¯t you like being called Jana anymore?¡± I think that was good though. ¡°Because that¡¯s not who I am anymore.¡± I don¡¯t get it. ¡°I don¡¯t get it.¡± ¡°Do you even know who gave me that name in the first place?¡± She pauses to let me answer but I think I know so I don¡¯t have to say it. I don¡¯t even have to think about it to know. Part of me wants to know how a Christian girl like her became friends with the queen of Mickle Ray High, the queen of Darkwood. ¡°Sorry I asked.¡± ¡°No, it¡¯s fine. You wanted to know.¡± I feel awful. In my head, I really start to doubt if it was really okay to interfere with her life. It¡¯s a good thing though, she wants me here. I hate this burst of random insecurity. I¡¯m lucky I¡¯ve gotten better or else the negative thoughts would spiral out of control. I¡¯m just lucky that hasn¡¯t happened in a long, long time. Those thoughts tend to end up in strong suicidal thoughts. Freyja must surely get the same. ¡°Sorry about yesterday,¡± she says. ¡°I didn¡¯t know what got over me. Hope you can forgive me.¡± ¡°Of course.¡± We spot Bo the photographer taking pictures of the dance for the yearbook. He tries to take a picture of us but I flip him off, rendering the photo useless. The video he posted is now merely an afterthought for everyone, but I haven¡¯t forgotten it. Freyja sure as hell hasn¡¯t forgotten it because she slaps Bo in the face when he gets close to getting another photo. ¡°What was that for?¡± ¡°You should have let her have rest instead of using her to promote yourself, dick!¡± ¡°Wow, fuck you, Jana,¡± Bo scowls and leaves. ¡°Nice job, I really wanted to do that myself.¡± Freyja shrugs, ¡°I¡¯m going to try to be a normal girl tonight. Come with me if you want, or don¡¯t. I don¡¯t think these things are your style.¡± Wow, she reminds me of Elizabeth. I think this is how she used to be before. I mean, school dances aren¡¯t my style but she didn¡¯t have to say it out loud. Now on my own, I observe the crowd. The masses all cling to the middle like a concert leaving no room to walk. Everyone who isn¡¯t popular is in the outer circle still enjoying their time with their clique of friends. Then there are the people who just want a break or want to talk. The school gymnasium valentine¡¯s day decoration doesn¡¯t do anything to mask the sweat smell from the morning and the smoke machine makes it hard to see in the front. I spot Andrew talking to some guys I think I recognize but never bothered to learn their names. Grace is with her friends from her year and I spot her move with them to the crowd. I¡¯m reminded that I stand alone. I leave to go to the car so I can have a drink from Andrew¡¯s bottle. The night¡¯s colder than expected so I can¡¯t stay out here for long. The forest fire still hasn¡¯t settled down. Even though it¡¯s several dozen miles away, I can still smell it. As I walk by, I¡¯m stopped by Amanda and her goons. They just can¡¯t ever leave me alone, can they? ¡°Oh hey, if it isn¡¯t missing little goth girl. Never thought I would see you here,¡± she smirks. ¡°Shut the fuck up.¡± ¡°Oh, she has a mouth,¡± Amanda makes her friends laugh like we¡¯re in a movie and they blindly follow her around. Shit like this pisses me off because it feels like they don¡¯t have a brain of their own. ¡°It¡¯s more than you have.¡± It¡¯s not a comeback as much as I want it to be. I¡¯m not good at these because my brother would always step in. He¡¯s not here so I have to fight my own battle. It¡¯s about time too. ¡°And I got a brain too.¡± ¡°Your words are nothing more than cotton balls being thrown. You should have stayed home to cut your wrists, would have been more productive.¡± ¡°Shit Amanda, don¡¯t you have anything better to do than to be a bitch to everyone who doesn¡¯t like you? That¡¯s pretty sad that you have to make yourself feel better this way.¡± I¡¯m just stealing a page from Andrew¡¯s book, but that¡¯s all I have. I then remember something Andrew told me about Amanda. ¡°Nah,¡± she shakes her head, ¡°I just do it for fun.¡± ¡°Didn¡¯t Elizabeth call you out on your bullshit exactly like this? That you need constant self-validation so you feel like you are worth something because deep inside you know nobody likes you. Or that you just used Elizabeth and Megan in hopes to become popular yourself? Or what about the time when actually thanked God that Elizabeth died?¡± ¡°Wait, you never said that, did you?¡± One of her friends says very concernedly. Good. Amanda just scoffs it off, ¡°Of course not. She¡¯s just spouting bullshit. Come on girls, we have dates waiting inside.¡± Her saying that means I win and she can¡¯t say anything else to defend herself with. Besides, Andrew has a video of her confessing to it, right before he fucked her too. I can¡¯t find anyone when I get inside so I decided to go to the courtyard commons that connect to the rest of the school. There I find Andrew talking with Grace and her friends. He¡¯s making them laugh and I feel out of place inserting myself into the group. I don¡¯t know them very well because I don¡¯t share a class with anyone. The only one I know by name is Tina who comes to the house from time to time. I just listen in not saying anything because I just feel like an outsider. More or less they all share this aura of energy and mine is different and it¡¯s repelling me. If I was artistic enough I would say they were all magnetic and I wasn¡¯t.This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere. I look up at the sky and I want to imagine I had a cigarette. It doesn¡¯t work. I want to daydream that when I step inside everyone looks at me. I¡¯ll have the whole dance floor hella lit and for once I¡¯ll be the center of attention. It doesn¡¯t work. I can¡¯t daydream with the sweetness of this hellish smoke out here. I can¡¯t stand it so I go back inside. It¡¯s a shitty night and the alcohol refuses to kick in. Once again I head towards the car. I can¡¯t stand being sober right now and it¡¯s taking way too long. On the way though I spot Bo having a smoke inside his car. I tap on his glass and he rolls down his car. It¡¯s weed. ¡°What do you want Sara?¡± ¡°Oh, I thought you were smoking a cigarette.¡± ¡°You want one? I have some.¡± I nod and he reaches for his coat on the passenger seat to get his pack out. ¡°Thanks,¡± I say once I get it. ¡°Do you need a light?¡± ¡°No, I have one.¡± I lie. ¡°Cool. You having fun?¡± ¡°Little bit, but I gotta head to my car for the lighter. Thanks again.¡± In my car, I set the cigarette down on my lap while I drink as much vodka as I can handle. Saliva floods the bottom of my mouth but I manage to keep myself together. I take a second just for myself to calm down. I¡¯m not sure why I even feel so out of place. I guess Freyja was right. My sight is slightly out of line when I get back to Grace and Andrew in the Courtyard Commons. I hold the cigarette in my fingers and it makes me feel better than I thought it would. Andrew is making fun of Amanda and her friends. He¡¯s revealing the truth about them, how she¡¯s the fake queen and there won¡¯t be another one, not like Elizabeth. ¡°I bet Grace can do it,¡± Tina laughs. ¡°Bitch, please,¡± Grace laughs. Andrew is smiling when I look over at him. He notices and grins at me like a goofball. He signals me with a head nod to go inside and have a dance with him. It¡¯s a valentine¡¯s day dance so most are slow songs. I wrap my arms around my big brother for a few minutes and the feeling of not belonging goes away. ¡°Thank you,¡± I say to him. Andrew chuckles, ¡°Don¡¯t be gay, Sara. I can read you like a book. Don¡¯t thank me.¡± ¡°You know what I mean.¡± ¡°Yeah. I know.¡± ¡°Freyja kissed me yesterday. She¡¯s gay and doesn¡¯t want to be so it¡¯s all awkward now. It¡¯s been bothering me ever since.¡± ¡°Because you like her back but want to respect her wishes?¡± I nod. If it really is that simple, it¡¯s gonna hurt to be her friend. I¡¯m just glad I don¡¯t see her as someone I will fall in love with. At least I hope I don''t. I¡¯m not ready for that. ¡°It¡¯s not like I want to like her either. I just wanted her to break out of her shell. Like she did tonight, but she went somewhere and I can¡¯t find her.¡± ¡°Well. Just keep doing what you¡¯re doing. You¡¯re doing just fine. She just needed a friend.¡± ¡°Hey, Andrew?¡± I stop dancing to look up at him. ¡°Why do you still drink? You¡¯ve changed so much and yet you still drink.¡± Andrew smiles and forces me to move again. ¡°I¡¯ll tell you when you¡¯re older.¡± He then turns his head towards someone. It¡¯s Freyja and the song ends. She¡¯s staring. ¡°How about you teach her to dance? She refused earlier.¡± Andrew lets go and walk away. I walk to Freyja. The smoke surrounds her and it makes her look absolutely stunning. ¡°Want to dance?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know how.¡± ¡°Here,¡± the next song starts. It¡¯s another slow one and I place her hands on my shoulders. I do the same. Freyja just stands there as I move my body from side to side. She looks down at my feet, ¡°Just mimic me.¡± With that, Freyja synchronizes with me although she doesn''t let her stare stay off our feet. ¡°You¡¯ve been having fun?¡± ¡°Yeah. I¡¯ve been talking to people,¡± Freyja looks up at me. She messes up her steps a bit and goes back to her feet to correct herself. ¡°A lot of people still seem to like me.¡± ¡°Is that good?¡± ¡°I think. I also think that they don¡¯t matter because they didn¡¯t care about me and now all of a sudden tell me how good I look. They want to hang out now that they know I¡¯m not a disgusting human being and can dress decently. It¡¯s all bullshit. Elizabeth was right, everything is bullshit, everyone is fake like nothing matters.¡± These aren¡¯t healthy thoughts. These are the exact same ones Elizabeth told me. ¡°People may be shit, but that doesn¡¯t mean there aren¡¯t good ones out there.¡± ¡°Like you? Are you saying you aren¡¯t fake?¡± ¡°I hope not.¡± Freyja almost laughs and looks up. ¡°If you are then everything you¡¯re doing is part of a bet or because you want to fuck me. I hope it¡¯s not of those things because I really like you as a friend.¡± That makes me smile. Freyja corrects her steps again but this time keeps her head up. ¡°So that means we aren¡¯t gonna kiss at the end of the night because I don¡¯t see you that way.¡± ¡°You kissed me first.¡± ¡°I wanted to see how I felt about it.¡± ¡°And?¡± ¡°I told you already. I refuse to be gay and I plan on getting punished for my sins so I can hold God¡¯s hand again.¡± ¡°I thought you didn¡¯t believe in God anymore.¡± ¡°I thought I didn¡¯t, but he brought me you at my weakest moment. How could I ever doubt him again.¡± We dance in silence after that because I don¡¯t want to talk about it anymore. I said I would accept whoever she decides to be, but for now, I will let things play out. I don¡¯t know what she means by punishment but I hope it¡¯s nothing too awful. The song ends but Freyja doesn¡¯t let go of me. We start to move again when the next one starts. She alternates a lot from our feet to me while she gets used to the pace. In the meantime, I get to observe her eyes much more than I usually do. There¡¯s something poetic about it that I can''t find the words to use. I should have paid more attention to creative writing. ¡°What are you doing after graduation?¡± I ask. ¡°I don¡¯t know,¡± She answers which is odd. Everyone in school has an answer to that whether it be school or work or a vacation. ¡°You?¡± ¡°Community College in Seattle then hopefully I¡¯ll transfer to a university. I don¡¯t know which yet.¡± ¡°Neat, she giggles. ¡°It¡¯s good to have a plan. I¡¯m thinking about traveling for a bit before going to school.¡± That¡¯s a better answer. ¡°Then again, I haven¡¯t felt like doing anything in a long time.¡± I hope I¡¯m helping. Freyja lets go when the song ends and says, ¡°I need air.¡± I nod and follow her outside where I pull the cigarette from my bra to hold. Grace and her friends aren¡¯t here anymore and neither is Andrew. We sit on one of the tables where I hold a cigarette between my fingers and pretend to smoke it. ¡°You can¡¯t smoke here.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not gonna light it,¡± I say. ¡°What¡¯s the point.¡± ¡°It keeps me calm.¡± ¡°Why?¡± I wish I could answer. I can¡¯t stand the taste so I don¡¯t like them. In my daydream, I always have a cigarette. It¡¯s been like this for a long time so I can¡¯t even remember when it started. I think this is a good topic to talk about with Dr. Fonseca. It¡¯s weird that I haven¡¯t ever brought it up. I stare at my death stick and say, ¡°It¡¯s always been like this.¡± ¡°Do you smoke?¡± ¡°No. Grace¡¯s mom is very strict with us so I don¡¯t do anything. I don¡¯t even like them anyways.¡± ¡°Odd. I think it¡¯s a miracle your brother hasn¡¯t been kicked out.¡± ¡°Me too. I think that when our father got arrested it made him calm down and reflect on himself. Like Andrew got closure or something.¡± ¡°Why did he arrested?¡± I stay quiet. I don¡¯t want to answer even though it¡¯s unfair that I know about her life and she doesn¡¯t know about mine. ¡°Where¡¯s your mom?¡± Again, I don¡¯t want to answer. I think this frustrates Freyja although I hope she gets the hint. ¡°Okay, don¡¯t tell me.¡± Right, she is annoyed. ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡± ¡°No, it¡¯s okay,¡± she says in the same sassy tone she had with the teacher. ¡°It¡¯s cool, you don¡¯t have to share anything.¡± ¡°My mom is dead, I think I''m comfortable telling you that.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry,¡± her tone switches from sass to regret. She¡¯s kind of dense which is funny to me. ¡°She died over ten years ago. I¡¯m over.¡± I¡¯m not. ¡°I moved in with Grace before my dad got arrested and Virginia let him stay with us after that.¡± ¡°Can you please tell me what he did? Only if you¡¯re comfortable.¡± I don¡¯t think I am. It¡¯s painful enough to remember it, I don¡¯t think I can say it out loud without Dr. Fonseca being here. ¡°Sorry. I can¡¯t.¡± ¡°Okay, sorry.¡± There¡¯s is silence again. I feel like there is a lot of silence between us. It¡¯s either awkward or it¡¯s not and it¡¯s never just us enjoying each other¡¯s company. ¡°I heard a lot of rumors. That¡¯s why I¡¯m asking.¡± ¡°What are they?¡± I regret saying that. ¡°Like last year when you disappeared for almost two months. People said you ran away.¡± ¡°I did. What else?¡± ¡°They said it was because Andrew or your Dad would hit you. Or that you got arrested because you killed Elizabeth. Sorry, I¡¯m dumb. Forget I said anything.¡± ¡°It¡¯s okay,¡± I laugh. ¡°None of that is true.¡± ¡°I can see that. Andrew is very kind despite what everyone says. He¡¯s a jerk who doesn¡¯t stop flirting with me, but he¡¯s kind. I don¡¯t think he knows that.¡± ¡°Yeah, he¡¯s a big softie inside,¡± I rest my head on my palm. ¡°You think it¡¯s true?¡± ¡°What is?¡± ¡°That he killed someone? That Elizabeth did? Who the hell is Lyle anyways? Andrew talked about him like he¡¯s the boogieman or something.¡± I stay quiet. I don¡¯t want to think about Lyle either. I don¡¯t think Andrew killed anyone. He wouldn¡¯t do that, but if it was Lyle that made him do I; that¡¯s a different story. So yeah, Andrew killed someone and I¡¯ll take that to my grave. ¡°I don¡¯t know.¡± Freyja is awfully talkative. I lift my head up and realize I¡¯m much drunker than I thought. Freyja is drunk too, that¡¯s why she¡¯s talking. She can¡¯t read up on the cues. ¡°Elizabeth talked about him too.¡± ¡°Stop!¡± Freyja gets startled. ¡°Sorry.¡± ¡°No, sorry. I didn¡¯t mean to raise my voice.¡± I pretend to take a drag from my cigarette, a long one. ¡°I¡¯ll tell you when you¡¯re older.¡± Which I mean never. ¡°Sorry, I¡¯m kind of drunk.¡± ¡°Same,¡± Freyja giggles. ¡°Your brother gave me a lot.¡± ¡°He wouldn¡¯t have it any other way.¡± ¡°I¡¯m cold. I¡¯m going to inside.¡± ¡°I¡¯ll be there in a sec, I have to take a few more hits.¡± Freyja laughs and heads inside leaving me alone once again. Shit, why did she have to bring up Lyle. Why did she bring up my dad? I¡¯m drunk so these aren¡¯t good thoughts. I brought back into his world. The dark room and the literal dog food. Fuck I¡¯m worthless. Fuck I deserved it all. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck! Freyja has tickets to Emmah Melody Ryan. I think about that instead. It doesn¡¯t work. I think about Freyja. Sara X March 22nd, 2014 The Key Arena is packed. The show has been sold out since the moment tickets have been on sale. I¡¯m not sure if I believe Freyja''s story of how she got the tickets but it doesn¡¯t matter. The tickets she got are front and center in the VIP section. Hell, they¡¯re tickets for a meet and greet. I don¡¯t think those even exist, but when we showed them to the staff we were led right here and were told what to do after the show. So Freyja wasn¡¯t lying after all. There are only seven other people in our section. Two of them I assume are the people who got the tickets from Freyja¡¯s parents. The other three are this woman who I can¡¯t help to stare at because she¡¯s so pretty, and two little kids; a boy and a girl who I assume are her kids. Freyja dresses like a normal girl again. She has been for a couple of weeks now and isn¡¯t showing signs of stopping. She acts as the fifth member of our group. It honestly feels like she¡¯s broken out of her shell although I know there¡¯s still a lot of work to be done. Which is why we¡¯re here. This show is one of a kind and I don¡¯t know what to expect. The only footage of these concerts is always from cell phones so the quality is never good. There is a general idea of how the concert goes. People say it¡¯s always a mix of orchestra and pop songs but it changes from concert to concert. We don¡¯t have to wait long. The curtain rises and there¡¯s an orchestra. The stadium behind us hushes in silence as we await the start. The first thing that happens is the violin players start with the big violin players joining a bit better. Freyja tells me they¡¯re cellos. I don¡¯t know musical instruments besides my guitar so I wouldn¡¯t know. Then a single piano joins and I¡¯m left wondering where Emmah is supposed to come in. Luckily, I don¡¯t have to wait long because a beautiful angel comes out with a violin in hand. She wears this iconic white dress that she always does in concerts. It¡¯s stunning. Emmah looks at the crowd for a good five seconds and smiles. The second her bow touches her strings, everything changes. I¡¯ve heard rumors of it. It¡¯s why everyone is so obsessed with her music. People say that the way Emmah structures music is decades ahead of her time. They say that she writes music differently than what music theory says is correct. They say that hearing her live is a completely different experience. They were right. I wish I could find the words to describe it. At most I can say it¡¯s like I¡¯m traveling through time. This time travel is far different than I expect. It¡¯s not a time travel of the past events but of emotions. I can feel everything from her past, everything she feels right now, and everything she feels in the future. No, I¡¯m experiencing it all time and it¡¯s heartbreaking. It¡¯s the worst pain I have ever felt and the most love I have ever felt. It¡¯s harmonic, graceful, and enlightening. It¡¯s simply everything I could have never been prepared for and being up this close is like I¡¯m getting hit by its full force. It stays like this for every song she plays. It doesn¡¯t matter if she¡¯s just playing the violin or the piano or is singing, it¡¯s all the same. Everything about this performance is magic. It shouldn¡¯t be real, but it is. It reminds me of the day I met Marina, the day when I was saved. Emmah doesn¡¯t take a break and it starts to show. I think an hour passes, maybe two but I can see her sweat. Maybe nobody else can because they¡¯re so far away, but I can. She¡¯s tired and once this song ends she finally takes a break. She takes a minute to catch her breath. ¡°This is the final song for tonight, I hope you enjoy it,¡± she says. Emmah starts to sing making the last song a ballad. Then it¡¯s over as if time didn¡¯t exist in the first place. She thanks the audience and excuses herself. The mother and her kids immediately leave and Freyja and I stay here as we were instructed. A staff member soon comes and gets the four of us backstage. We stand in the open area wondering what we¡¯re supposed to do. I¡¯m nervous and I¡¯m sure Freyja is too. I get to meet Emmah and I don¡¯t think I could ever live to something greater. We¡¯re told we get to meet her two at a time. The two people that got the tickets by donation go first. Watching them being led somewhere gets me terrified to the point where I can¡¯t move. ¡°I don¡¯t think I can do this,¡± I tell Freyja, ¡°How come?¡± ¡°This doesn¡¯t feel real. Like. How many in the world have ever met her?¡± ¡°You¡¯ll be okay. She¡¯s just a person.¡± Freyja is smiling at me. She is calm and more confident than I am right now. How is she not freaking out? ¡°I know, I know but it¡¯s like she isn¡¯t.¡± Five minutes later, the staff lady comes to get us. We¡¯re led to a door with Emmah¡¯s name on it. She says, ¡°Please be respectful and no photography, please,¡± before opening the door. Emmah Melody Ryan is sitting in a chair writing something in a notebook on her lap. She looks up and her light ocean-blue eyes connect with mine and I feel as if I¡¯ve fallen in love. She¡¯s just ten feet away from me now and I¡¯m stunned. ¡°Hi, there!¡± She smiles. Her voice is angelic, just like how she sings. Emmah stands up to greet us and it¡¯s only then that I realize that Freyja is just as stunned as I am. ¡°The tickets I gave to the lovely couple in the church gave them away, consider yourselves very lucky,¡± she giggle, extending her hand towards Freyja. ¡°Those were my parents,¡± Freyja said weakly. She quickly shakes her head to get herself out of her trance. ¡°Hi! I¡¯m Freyja Elledge. My parents gave away their tickets and gave me the other two. This is my best friend, Sara.¡± She called me her best friend. Emmah looks at me again and I¡¯m made into melting butter. ¡°It¡¯s nice to meet you both! I¡¯m Emmah Melody Ryan, but you probably already knew that¡± she laughs awkwardly and then shakes my hand. Honestly, that laugh itself makes me weak let alone that I touched her hand just now. I must be dreaming. ¡°Did you enjoy the show?¡± ¡°Yes! It was wonderful,¡± Freyja answers again. ¡°Come, have a seat,¡± Emmah leads us to four extra chairs where Freyja and I sit and Emmah takes hers again. ¡°Your parents told me about you Freyja, it¡¯s good to see a face with the description. Your parents undersold you, you¡¯re very pretty.¡± Freyja blushes like no other. I wouldn¡¯t blame her. ¡°Oh, uh, thank you.¡± ¡°Sara, was it? I can feel that you¡¯re very nervous right now. It¡¯s okay, I¡¯m human just like you. You don¡¯t have to be stunned.¡± ¡°Uh, oh, uh,¡± I¡¯m stumbling over words, not a good impression. ¡°Okay.¡± Emmah takes hold of her notebook again and puts it on her lap. ¡°It¡¯s always very nice to meet my fans. I do not do it often because I have a terrible fear of talking to people I don¡¯t know. I can only do it in small doses.¡± I wonder if that¡¯s why she stays away from the public eye. ¡°It¡¯s just that, uh, it¡¯s amazing that you¡¯re here. You¡¯re so talented,¡± Freyja gushes. ¡°Thank you,¡± Emmah giggles again. ¡°I guess your parents were wrong about you.¡± ¡°Hmm?¡± ¡°They said you were very reserved and closed off because of your friend¡¯s death. I am very sorry to hear that, but you seem to be doing fine,¡± Emmah says in a way that makes me believe she knows everything that Freyja has been through. ¡°I see you still have a lot to deal with still, but I believe you can persevere through it.This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version. ¡°Oh, uh, thank you?¡± Emmah turns to me and observes me more than she did with Freyja. I catch her frowning for a second before returning to her warm smile. I can¡¯t help to stare at her gorgeous white dress. Emmah isn¡¯t blonde but if she was I swear this was the woman in white Elizabeth was talking about. She would be lady death. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, I¡¯m stepping out of line. I dearly and sincerely apologize, it''s just how my mind works.¡± I¡¯ve been told genius minds operate differently. ¡°Oh no, you haven¡¯t,¡± I say. ¡°We¡¯re just excited.¡± Emmah closes her eyes and gives us an even bigger smile. This woman is all smiles and all charm. I¡¯m incredibly jealous of her husband. ¡°Sara, you¡¯re wonderful. I could tell from the moment I saw you. You have this deep sadness that will never go away within you but you will always manage to be happy.¡± Now that¡¯s an odd thing to say. If it was anyone else I would call them out for it, but this is Emmah. Her music doesn¡¯t make sense, why would her speech and manners be any different? Though I believe Emmah meant that. ¡°Oh, uh¡­¡± ¡°Freyja and Sara. You two are wonderful people, I¡¯m glad I got to meet you two today. Please don¡¯t let the world divide the two of you,¡± It¡¯s like she speaks in another language. It¡¯s as if she can see through and inside us. Emmah is just like the enigma the rumors say she is. ¡°Would you like anything signed? I do request that my signatures are not be sold, but I¡¯m not your mother. It¡¯s rather as respect.¡± ¡°Why don¡¯t you like it to be sold?¡± Freyja asks as she pulls a small notebook out of her purse. It looks more like a diary than anything. I didn¡¯t even think about getting anything signed. ¡°Because I¡¯m a very private person,¡± Emmah says signing the cover of the notebook. ¡°I don¡¯t like being in the spotlight.¡± That¡¯s contradictory, she just held a concert for well over ten thousand people. ¡°But your tours?¡± I ask. Emmah giggles, ¡°Playing music is different. I get lost in it so I don¡¯t see anyone so it¡¯s easy for me. But if you put me in a room full of people who are there for just you, ugh, I freeze up. Sara, do you have anything for me to sign?¡± Shit. I don¡¯t. ¡°I forgot.¡± Emmah gets up from her seat and heads over to the open closet where she digs through the pocket of one of the coats. I can¡¯t see what it is until she hands it over to me. ¡°Here, a gift.¡± It¡¯s a necklace with an emblem of a woman with her head arched back to look up and two wings. An angel rising towards heaven. She also gives me a photograph that she signs back for me. Emmah gives another of the same necklace to Freyja. ¡°Thank you so much you didn¡¯t need to.¡± ¡°I normally don¡¯t, but I¡¯m compelled to.¡± I look at the photograph. It¡¯s one of a woman with her back facing the camera. She¡¯s standing on top of the cliff where she¡¯s but a dor compared to the entire landscape. ¡°This is wonderful.¡± ¡°Thank you. Sadly, they only give me five minutes for these types of things so this is goodbye,¡± she sighs. The staff lady comes back in and tells us that time is up. No one was counting time and it¡¯s really making me question if Emmah is a witch or something. ¡°It was really nice meeting you both, Freyja Elledge and Sara Mera. Please continue to live healthy lives. ¡°It was so nice meeting you. Thank you for the opportunity,¡± I say. I chose to ignore that she knows my last name when nobody told her what it was. ¡°And thank you so much for the gift!¡± Freyja turns back to see her one more time. I do the same as the door is being shut. Emmah is waving us goodbye. That was, weird. She talked way too fast. Emmah was nervous too. We sit on top of Darkwood Hill. It¡¯s after midnight and it¡¯s freezing but that doesn¡¯t matter. Freyja is gushing over everything that happened tonight. It¡¯s the first time she¡¯s been like this. She¡¯s completely flabbergasted that we got to experience all that. Yet she¡¯s not the only one. I¡¯m completely high on the pure excitement of everything that transpired. I have the necklace wrapped around my wrist with the emblem on my palm. It¡¯s worth a shit ton of money probably. If not then her crazy fan will go nuts for it on eBay, but I don¡¯t think I¡¯ll ever give it away. It¡¯ll hold more meaning in my hands than money ever will. Fey gets up from her sit and jumps in excitement. ¡°I really can¡¯t believe we met her!¡± She says for the hundredth time. ¡°Thanks for coming!¡± ¡°No, thank you for inviting me! It¡¯s dream come true.¡± Fey looks at me and smiles. The phantom echoes of the concert still play back in my mind. Even as phantoms, they give me the same emotions as I had experienced an hour before. This time I¡¯m looking at Freyja and all I feel is darkness. It¡¯s empty as it¡¯s not sadness or sorrow, just apathy. When she looks at me I feel a flicker of light. It¡¯s really small, but it¡¯s there. I want something more for her because she does not deserve this emptiness. I close my eyes, but Freyja still stands in that darkness. The light slowly grows bigger and I see she¡¯s standing in a bed of flowers and they are all blue flowers, specifically daisies. It¡¯s not a coincidence that this keeps popping up. I feel I¡¯m holding a cigarette and that¡¯s when I open my eyes. ¡°Are you okay?¡± She asks. Freyja is close probably because I¡¯ve been frozen for a while now. For no reason, I start to laugh. I think I¡¯m going mad. Normal people don¡¯t see and feel these things. I should probably mention this to Dr. Fonseca when I see her in a few days. Freyja understandably gets creeped out and backs off. She trips on a rock she didn¡¯t see and falls backward. I jump out of my seat to check if she¡¯s okay but she¡¯s just staring at the sky. ¡°Can I say something real quick?¡± ¡°Yeah, but are you okay?¡± Freyja nods, ¡°I don¡¯t think I have depression like you think I have. I¡¯m not miserable just-¡± ¡°Empty,¡± I finish for her. She nods again, ¡°Sara?¡± ¡°Hmm? You¡¯re my best friend, and it¡¯s okay that I¡¯m not yours but I just wanted to let you know.¡± I giggle and sit next to her. Up above in the sky are the few stars we can see and some clouds. ¡°I¡¯m glad you let me in. You¡¯re a great person and far more interesting than I first thought.¡± ¡°How so?¡± ¡°You¡¯re this real little Christian girl who doesn¡¯t like to sin but goes ahead and drinks all the time. I never asked because I didn¡¯t want to be a bitch.¡± ¡°Oh, that? If you¡¯re curious you¡¯re curious. Some sins are unforgivable, getting drunk because I can¡¯t stand being sober is not one of them. At least not in my branch of the church.¡± ¡°Religion is weird. I¡¯m glad you aren¡¯t trying to convert me or some shit.¡± Freyja laughs. ¡°I don¡¯t think we¡¯re assholes.¡± ¡°So is your faith in God back?¡± The girl gets oddly quiet for a moment. ¡°I don¡¯t know. I lived months without him and learned a lot about the injustice in this world. I¡¯m conflicted.¡± ¡°I get that.¡± Freyja sits herself up and pokes my shoulder. ¡°Can I ask you something?¡± ¡°Yeah, go ahead.¡± ¡°Two years ago, you would get all sorts of fucked up at parties. You were like, addicted to cocaine. What happened? Do you not like it anymore?¡± I look at the stars again. I fucking miss cocaine. ¡°Virginia helped me quit. It was the worst month of my life, but once I got over it other things became easier. I don¡¯t even smoke weed anymore.¡± ¡°Why did you run away?¡± This conversation is going along the lines of last month¡¯s. Like last time, I don¡¯t want to tell her because it hurts just thinking about it. I¡¯m pretty sure my father is the reason why I¡¯m gay although deep down I know it''s genetic. But the energy of tonight, the bond we grew over the last two months, and the trust she has in me make me trust her. ¡°I ran away because¡­¡± I pause and close my eyes and only picture my father. ¡°I wasn¡¯t happy with my life. I was the fucking mess going nowhere and I knew I was going be miserable all my life.¡± ¡°Was it that bad?¡± I shake my head. ¡°But I ran away because my father would beat me and then rape me. He raped me and now he¡¯s in prison for the rest of his life.¡± I don¡¯t need to look at Fey to know that she¡¯s incredibly regretful that she even asked. It was a lot easier telling her than I thought. The last time I told anyone was the day of the arrest and it was to all my friends. That was also the day when everything went to shit for all of our friendships. It¡¯s almost been a year now. Freyja takes hold of my hand and tightens her grip. It¡¯s not for me, but for her. ¡°I¡¯m so sorry. I didn¡¯t know things were that hard for you.¡± ¡°It¡¯s okay, Fey.¡± ¡°I shouldn¡¯t have been nosey.¡± ¡°I told you because I can trust you.¡± Fey lets go of her grip but still holds my hand gently. I look over at her and she¡¯s staring at her feet. If she flipped over my hand, she could probably see the faint scars on my wrists. ¡°I¡¯m really glad you¡¯re still here, Sara.¡± I let go of her hand and wrap my arms around her. It takes her a second to hug back. ¡°You¡¯re much stronger than I could ever be.¡± ¡°You¡¯re stronger than you know. You just need people to help you see that.¡± I feel her pull back but I take a second longer to embrace her. When I let go, we see a flash of lightning off in the distance and that¡¯s our signal to go home before it starts to rain. Before that, I take a second to examine Freyja¡¯s face one more time. I really want to kiss her. Freyja smiles and gets up. I watch her stretch and then extend her hand out to me. I take it. Freyja Elledge II March 29th, 2014 Sara is perhaps the strongest person I have ever met. Sara is perhaps the perfect person I needed in my life. I¡¯ve been living with this void for so long that I¡¯ve forgotten what friendship felt like. It¡¯s been so long that I appreciate all the little things she does for me; whether it is buying me an energy drink from time to time or just walking me to class. Then there¡¯s her brother. He¡¯s not the person I remember him to be and Sara is right. For some odd reason, he protects me from Amanda and her goons far more efficiently than my brother. I think it¡¯s because my brother is worried about being liked and Andrew doesn¡¯t. Grace is wonderful as well. She¡¯s too nice for her own good and I don¡¯t think the girls she hangs around with are a good influence for her. I would know, I used to be in Grace¡¯s shoes. They both welcomed me with open arms so now I¡¯m in this friend group after being a ghost for months. No one¡¯s more glad than my parents. It¡¯s still hard for me to leave my room but I see them more often which I think makes them happy. They still try to convince me to go to church with them and I always tell them no. Hopefully, they know I need a little bit more time to sort myself out. The thing is that I¡¯m being torn apart. I was born and raised to have certain views and beliefs that I still agree with. I don¡¯t think that will ever change no matter how much I look into it. On the other hand, my own body and heart tell me otherwise. I¡¯m always excited to see Sara as she always makes me laugh and smile. Everything I felt for Elizabeth, I feel for Sara and it¡¯s only getting stronger by the day and I¡¯m so afraid. This alone is tearing me apart. My parents believe I¡¯m having a phase but if they were to learn that I love this girl, I couldn¡¯t imagine how they would react. This is why I can¡¯t have faith in God just yet. I have to purge these feelings from me. My brother Alex is the only one I can talk to about this. He¡¯s quite smart so I don¡¯t think he ever questions my friendship with Sara. This is what we talk about as we both walk together around the mall as we shop for new clothes. Alex says, ¡°I don¡¯t know, Fey. Why don¡¯t just stop being friends with her? If you really want it to go away, that¡¯s the only way.¡± ¡°That would be too painful.¡± ¡°Then stop believing in God in general and be with Sara. Stop letting this construct get in the way of your desire,¡± Alex stops walking forcing me to turn around to talk to him. ¡°You¡¯re dressing like a girl again because of her, you buy new clothes because of her, and you''re not a hermit anymore because of her. Be with her.¡± ¡°Alex, are you hearing what you¡¯re saying? Dad will have your head.¡± ¡°No, I know where my faith is but that doesn¡¯t mean it¡¯s yours. You know I don¡¯t care if you¡¯re a lesbo, why would I care what you believe in.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t you think you¡¯re oversimplifying it?¡± Alex starts walking again. ¡°Aren¡¯t you overthinking it? ¡°Okay,¡± I gulp a lot of saliva down my throat. ¡°What would you have me do? What do you want me to do?¡± ¡°Honestly? Break things off with Sara and kill the feelings for her. You know it¡¯s wrong to be a lesbian. But it¡¯s your decision and I¡¯m fine with either.¡± Can¡¯t there be a middle ground? I know there is. I read about them except God will never accept me. This bothers me as I start to shop for things at H&M. My brother goes to the men¡¯s section and leaves me alone. I really do wish things were simple. ¡°And now you¡¯re thinking of what I would tell you?¡± She comes out again. It¡¯s been a while. ¡°Yeah, it has. You haven¡¯t needed me.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t need you anymore.¡± I look around to make sure no one¡¯s around. It wouldn¡¯t be good to be seen in public talking to myself. I pull out some headphones with a microphone and put them in so I can at least pretend to be on a call. ¡°Then why am I here?¡± ¡°Tell me then. What do I do?¡± She laughs, ¡°You already know the answer,¡± I don¡¯t. ¡°You do,¡± but I really don¡¯t. ¡°You just won¡¯t accept it,¡± She¡¯s right. ¡°Then...do I just throw all of it away? ¡°Sometimes it¡¯s good to do new things.¡± ¡°Right, because that ended so well for you.¡± ¡°Bitch, shut up. This isn¡¯t about me, it¡¯s about you.¡± ¡°I still haven¡¯t forgiven you.¡±The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation. ¡°You mean you still haven¡¯t forgiven yourself.¡± I rip the headphones off my ears before I can think. ¡°Fuck!¡± I unintentionally yell. It grabs everyone¡¯s attention, even my brother who stops what he was doing to come to talk to me. I put back the shirt I was holding and move on to another section. ¡°You okay?¡± My brother asks when he gets to me. ¡°Yeah, sorry.¡± He shrugs and leaves again. ¡°You know something that you never told me?¡± She asks. ¡°You never told me what you wanted in life. Your hopes and dreams.¡± She stands behind me like always. When I turn around to see her she¡¯s nothing but a ghost and disappears to get behind me again. ¡°You never told me yours.¡± ¡°That¡¯s because I never knew. That¡¯s why I was so scared.¡± ¡°Is it true?¡± ¡°Hmm?¡± ¡°That you killed someone?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know something you don¡¯t, Fey. But I think you already know by the way I was acting that night at the church.¡± ¡°Why?¡± ¡°That¡¯s something I took to the grave.¡± ¡°I miss you.¡± ¡°I know.¡± I take a deep breath and she disappears. There are a few things in my hand that I¡¯ve picked out to try on. In the dressing room, I take a look at my half-naked body. It¡¯s different than I remember. I¡¯m no longer ugly. I don¡¯t think I ever was, but I was just in the wrong mindset. I get an urge to touch myself but I manage to quell it. Gosh, I hate myself for being like this. I decide I look cute in everything I try on so go ahead and buy everything. With that purchase, I''m only left with enough money for food. That¡¯s what we do after the store and after that, we head home. Mom and Dad are in church like always Alex offers for me to come with him to help out. I decline. Instead, I stay home all day staring at walls and watching them dry. I think that¡¯s how it goes. This goes on until I finally decide to text Sara to ask if I could come over. I didn¡¯t even know it was close to nine and my parents were already home. I think I made up my mind though. ¡°Where are you going this late, honey?¡± Mom asks as I try to sneak out the front door. ¡°My friend¡¯s house. We¡¯re gonna watch a movie.¡± ¡°Fey, it¡¯s raining outside and it¡¯s too late,¡± she says but I don¡¯t listen. It is raining, when did it start to rain? I hate it when I don¡¯t notice these things. ¡°Fey! Get back inside and let me or your dad drive you!¡± She yells as I cross the street. Luckily Sara doesn¡¯t live too far away. My dad calls a few times on the way and so does my mom but I ignore everything. Truth be told, Sara said it was too late for me to come over but I¡¯m still doing it anyways. All the lights are off in her house except for the guest bedroom which is Andrew¡¯s. I¡¯m soaked but it doesn¡¯t matter as I knock on the door. No one comes after a minute so I ring the doorbell. The living room light comes on and then Virginia opens the door. I have never met her or seen what she looks likes. She¡¯s beautiful and young and I see the Grace in her. ¡°May I help you?¡± ¡°Is Sara home?¡± ¡°Come inside, you¡¯re soaked,¡± Virginia gets out of the way for me. ¡°Don¡¯t worry about getting the floor wet. I¡¯ll get some clothes for you and get Sara down for you. Stay here,¡± she says. Sara comes down first, ¡°Are you stupid? Why didn¡¯t you get your parents to drive you?¡± I ignore all of that because I¡¯m just glad to see her. ¡°Sara, take her to the bathroom so she can change. I have to clean up the mess,¡± she hands Sara the clothes. ¡°Yes, Ma¡¯am. Follow me, Fey.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry I came unexpectedly.¡± Virginia just sighs and rolls her eyes. I don¡¯t think I made the best impression but again I don¡¯t mind. ¡°Jesus Fey, I told you it was too late.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t care.¡± This makes Sara laugh as she opens the bathroom door. I go inside and change as fast as I can. The bra doesn¡¯t quite fit right and she didn¡¯t give me panties but that¡¯s okay. The clothes I¡¯m wearing are Virginia¡¯s as Grace would be too small. ¡°You¡¯re an idiot,¡± Sara says again when I open the door. ¡°I know.¡± ¡°Come on. Let¡¯s go to my room.¡± I follow Sara upstairs and I get a flashback of when I tripped here and Sara landed on top of me. I want that again. I thought she was gonna take me right there and I was gonna let her. That¡¯s why I didn¡¯t do or say anything. ¡°What were you doing?¡± I ask when Sara opens the door. This is the second time in her room. The first time I couldn¡¯t get a good look at it because I was so hungover. Sara turns on the lights and I get to observe everything. It¡¯s much more decorated than mine. There are about three times as many posters than mine and there are plushees and books everywhere. It looks like any other room, but this is Sara¡¯s, so it¡¯s special. ¡°Practicing,¡± she says. I get the feeling Sara is more annoyed that I¡¯m here than excited. Maybe I made the wrong choice. ¡°Practicing what?¡± Sara points to an acoustic guitar next to her bed that I missed. ¡°I¡¯ve been really into it. I think I¡¯m getting good.¡± ¡°Really? You never told me that.¡± ¡°Well, it was just a hobby until last week. Watching Emmah play inspired me to get really good. I¡¯ve been learning a lot.¡± ¡°Can you show me?¡± Sara giggles. Whenever she does that void in my heart flickers away. ¡°Okay. Sit down, but don¡¯t judge.¡± I sit next to her on her bed as she got ready to play. I¡¯m in a movie right now and this is where I take advantage of the opportunity. I listen to her play. She¡¯s pretty good, better than I thought she would be actually. Her fingers are delicate with the strings and she¡¯s pouring everything she has into the music. Of course, I can¡¯t compare it to anything professional but Sara could definitely do something with this if she tried. The song is short so Sara ends it, ¡°How was it?¡± I could kiss her right here and it would be perfect. I want to, but I don¡¯t because I get scared. I¡¯ve done it before but this time I want to go further with it. ¡°It was really good. You¡¯re talented.¡± ¡°Thank you, I¡¯ve been working really hard on it.¡± ¡°Sara?¡± I made my choice. Damn everything else. Sara is leagues above everyone I ever met. I know she likes me back and that¡¯s all I need. I may even be in love with her. If I do this, there isn¡¯t turning back and I have to stick with this choice. Once I kiss her and tell her I want her, there will be no God. Sara XI -A few hours before- Dr. Fonseca stares at me for a second. ¡°You know we only have a couple of sessions left? We made some great progress but there are still things you¡¯re holding out on me. We should deal with them before the sessions end.¡± ¡°What else is there to talk about?¡± ¡°We¡¯ll get to that. I just want to know how things are going right now. How¡¯s the friendship with Freyja going? ¡°I¡¯m not following.¡± I haven¡¯t told her the reason why I started to talk to her. I think if I would she would tell me I was in the wrong. ¡°Well it¡¯s been a bit more than a month, do you think Freyja is a friend you like in your life?¡± ¡°Yeah, of course. She¡¯s a great girl who I¡¯m able to relax with.¡± Dr. Fonseca would probably tell me I can¡¯t help someone through depression when I¡¯m stuck there too. But I¡¯m not, I haven¡¯t been for more than a month now. I¡¯m in a good place right now and I don¡¯t think anything can stop that. ¡°That¡¯s good. Virginia told me you¡¯ve been doing really well being off your medication. Why is that?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t need them anymore. I¡¯m completely happy without them now so I don¡¯t need to be drugged up.¡± I think back to a conversation I had with Freyja about this. She believes in medicine but does not believe in drugs being cures for everything. She says that people will find the smallest of pains just for a pill. I don¡¯t think she¡¯s wrong. ¡°I rather not be back on, they make me numb.¡± ¡°You know that¡¯s not what it''s about,¡± she says writing something on her Ipad. ¡°She supports you not taking the pills.¡± ¡°See?¡± ¡°Hmm. Sara, can I be frank with you?¡± ¡°Yeah.¡± Dr. Fonseca lays down her Ipad on her lap and crosses her legs. ¡°I don¡¯t think you¡¯re well just yet. You¡¯re suppressing memories that you don¡¯t want to accept. It¡¯s not you either, it¡¯s your brother as well.¡± ¡°What? You can¡¯t know that¡± I call her bluff, but why would she bluff? ¡°I want you to say it in your words, not mine. How did your mom die? Your brother and father are the only people that know, isn¡¯t it? I know what happened, but please Sara, can you tell me?¡± For a second I¡¯m taken to the past to experience the pain and confusion again. It¡¯s a trigger and one that¡¯s too easy to pull. I only have two sessions left with Dr. Fonseca after this so I guess it¡¯s time. I fucking hate talking about it let alone thinking about it. I open my eyes and speak. ¡°My mom committed suicide when I was just eight. I was the one who found her dead in the bathtub. I found it weird that she was taking a really long shower. She had her wrists cut open and the tub was completely red.¡± My voice is monotone. I don¡¯t want to have emotions reliving all of this. ¡°What did you do after you found her?¡± ¡°I ran to dad, I knew he would know what to do.¡± ¡°How fast this did happen?¡± ¡°A few seconds.¡± ¡°Sara, is that it?¡± ¡°Yes.¡± My hands are firsts pressing hard down on my knees. I really wish it was my father that died instead of my mom. ¡°Thank you for sharing that with me, Sara. I know it was hard to say so you¡¯re really strong for that.¡± I get a sense that, that wasn¡¯t what Dr. Fonseca wanted. I look away as she gives me a few seconds to calm down. I know that I need to let these memories get out in the open but they aren¡¯t suppressed so I don¡¯t know what she wants. With this, I¡¯ve told almost everything about my life to Fonseca. ¡°Sara, I would like to try something. I¡¯m sure you heard of hypnosis. It¡¯s a great tool for you to confront things you otherwise couldn¡¯t. It¡¯s called hypnotherapy and it¡¯s where you are placed in a calm but high-concentration state of mind. I won¡¯t make to dance or cluck like a chicken, it doesn¡¯t really work like that.¡± ¡°Uh, okay? What for?¡± ¡°I want you to remember your mother¡¯s suicide more clearly. I promise you will be relaxed the entire time and it will not be painful to remember. Would you like to try it?¡± ¡°Yeah, sure.¡± ¡°In order for this to work I want you to have complete trust in me. This is a team effort and I need to you not freak out or get scared about putting yourself under.¡± ¡°Okay,¡± I smile. I¡¯m not sure why. ¡°I want you to lie down on the couch you¡¯re sitting on,¡± Fonseca pauses until I do so and all I can think is how cliche this is. ¡°Please choose a spot on the ceiling and I want you to focus on that spot and that spot only. As I count down from 400, allow yourself to become increasingly relaxed and calm as you stare at your spot. Four hundred. 399, 398, 397, 396, 395,¡± Fonseca continues counting down. I get excited thinking about how I¡¯ll be in a trance once she gets to zero. I need to relax though and this spot in the ceiling I chose isn¡¯t special, but it¡¯s my spot. ¡°Soon your eyes will become heavy from looking at that spot. 299, 298, 297.¡± Sure enough, they do after a bit more time passes and I slow down my breathing. It feels like she¡¯s messaging me with just her words. ¡°Your eyes will want to close. 251, 250. And the world soon becomes quiet and you get comfortable.¡± I feel like I haven¡¯t slept in hours and my eyes just want to get some rest. Any outside thought disappears and I only concentrate on my spot. I can barely hear Fonseca''s countdown. ¡°I will give you suggestions about feeling comfortable and even more comfortable. You are relaxed and once you are I will stop counting and make other suggestions that are in your very best interests. 178, 177.¡±This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there. I think of nothing. ¡°Think about the happiest moment you had this year.¡± Last week when I was with Freyja when we met Emmah together. That was a night when I couldn¡¯t stop smiling. ¡°Think about the people who make you happy.¡± Freyja, Andrew, Grace, and Virginia. These are the most important people in my life right now. ¡°Who makes you the happiest?¡± Right now? It¡¯s ¡°Freyja. I think I love her.¡± ¡°Okay Sara, I want you to continue to stare at your spot. You are the most relaxed and comfortable you have ever been. As you continue to be like this, think about the absolute most painful memory you have and please tell me.¡± I can still think. I¡¯m not really hypnotized like I thought I would be but I can actually think about it without getting angry or sad. There are plenty of painful memories. There¡¯s the abuse I suffered from Lyle and the rapes from my father. There¡¯s even the pain from living itself but nothing compares to the pain of losing my mother, but that isn¡¯t why it hurts so bad. I understand what Dr. Fonseca means now. ¡°I found my mom bleeding out, not dead. She was still alive when I found her and she was crying that I found her. I could still see clear water when I found her. I could have saved my mother¡¯s life if I wanted to, but I didn¡¯t. I let her die and that is my sin I couldn¡¯t live with.¡± ¡°Did she say anything to you?¡± ¡°No. She didn¡¯t even apologize. She was just crying.¡± ¡°Why did you let her die?¡± I get it. I¡¯m twisted. I have been living a lie. ¡°My mother was not the angel I thought she was. I made that up because if I said my mother was the most caring person in the world then maybe I could live with myself. Mom liked to make fun of me and Andrew. They were cruel and mean words. She would often not feed us because we acted badly. Mom liked to beat Andrew for getting bad grades. She liked to beat me every time I lost to him. My mom was a drug addict who was addicted to heroin. I didn¡¯t know what it was at the time, but now I do. My mom was mean and cruel to me, so I let her die. Now I only see that we were just as depressed as I was and was just trying to find a way to be happy.¡± ¡°Is this the most painful memory you have?¡± ¡°Yes.¡± ¡°Sara, you can look away from your spot now.¡± I look down and slowly the world starts to get a bit louder and my eyes adjust to seeing things other than white. I still feel calm and comfortable even though I remember everything now. It¡¯s fucked up that I even tried to hide from this. ¡°Please continue with your medication, I feel you will need it soon. As for what you told me, that a was suppressed memory that your mind hid from you in order to protect you because you were so young. Now that you¡¯re older it''s best to deal with these emotions properly now.¡± ¡°Okay,¡± Is all I can say to her. I go home still feeling calm and relaxed until I lay down in my bed. It slowly goes away while I start to cry. It¡¯s made even weirder because I¡¯m quiet and don¡¯t feel it so I¡¯m crying while I lay there thinking. Somewhere in the night, I start to practice my guitar. Somewhere along that same night I feel back to normal and the sadness creeps in. Somewhere along that night, Freyja asks to come over and I tell her no. I look outside and see that it¡¯s raining so I let the sound come in. A few minutes later I hear a doorbell and then Virginia knocks on my door. ¡°Sara, a friend is here to see you. She¡¯s soaking wet, wanna go get her before she ruins my carpet?¡± It¡¯s Freyja. I want to get excited but I just can''t. It seems learning about what I did has made me numb to emotions for the moment; all of them save for sadness. Freyja takes her time to change from her wet clothes in the bathroom. During this time the sadness becomes stronger as the reality of what I did finally starts to set in. Freyja follows me as I lead her to my room. She takes her time to observe while I close the window to drown out the rain. ¡°What were you doing?¡± she asks. ¡°Practicing,¡± I tell her as I walk over to my bed. ¡°Practicing what?¡± I point over to my guitar and pick it up as I tell her I¡¯ve been practicing a lot. After Emmah¡¯s concert, there was a spark inside me that wanted me to pursue music. Just playing the sounds lets out emotions that I never knew I could express with words. I think this is what ultimately music allows. This is the philosophy Emmah Melody Ryan follows and one that I am learning. The sadness starts to seep out of my body as I play for Freyja. I don¡¯t look at her and I don¡¯t open my eyes so I can focus everything I have into this one song I wrote. Playing it puts me at peace and allows me to feel something other than sadness. Regret and hate come in. It breaks me out of this apathetic state I was in and the happiness of Freyja being here finally creeps in. I told her not to come, so why is she here? ¡°Sara?¡± she asks. It¡¯s only then that I become aware of how close she is. I can smell her pheromones or perfume. Whatever it is, it¡¯s faint and intoxicating. Freyja smiles as she spends time looking at each of my eyes. I can¡¯t help but do the same. ¡°Why are you here?¡± I ask her. ¡°I don¡¯t know,¡± she says. She¡¯s being odd today like she¡¯s scared of something. It¡¯s why she¡¯s here probably. Something happened and she needs my help. Freyja gets up and paces back and forth. ¡°Are you okay?¡± ¡°Maybe,¡± she laughs nervously. I set down my guitar and stand up to face Freyja. ¡°Fey, you¡¯re acting weird are you sure you¡¯re okay?¡± ¡°I made up my mind,¡± she stops pacing. ¡°It hurts that I¡¯m here because I made up my mind,¡± Freyja takes enough steps to come face to face. She decided to go back to her faith. This is why she¡¯s here. Freyja doesn¡¯t want to be my friend anymore, she can¡¯t. Her faith does not allow her to be friends with the greatest sin. I¡¯ve feared this way would come and it only makes today even shittier. My heart becomes frail and frozen, ready enough for Fey to break it. ¡°Okay, I get it. I¡¯m sorry.¡± Freyja gets confused and giggles, ¡°No silly.¡± Her smile puts my heart to ease. Things become clear when Fey takes hold of my hand. It is then when Fey forsakes her God and I feel her heart rest at ease. In this second the sadness disappears and all is right. ¡°You¡­¡± Fey doesn¡¯t let me finish as her free hand feels my cheeks with the back of her hand and then kisses me. I¡¯m stunned for a half second before I grab hold of her waist and kiss her back. ¡°This is how I want things,¡± Fey gasps. I pull back to let myself breathe Freyja stands there completely red. This is new to me too. I¡¯ve kissed girls before and I¡¯ve kissed Fey before but this is new. Life feels so complete now. ¡°Fey, you¡­¡± ¡°I know,¡± she laughs. ¡°I want to try this.¡± This is what she has chosen. This is where fate has brought us. Everything that has happened led us here. Our friendship has been short but not meaningless. I never meant to have these emotions toward her and I¡¯m sure she did not want them either. Yet I hope it doesn¡¯t matter because Fey has become this light in the darkness I learned to live in. Freyja pushes me to my bed and gets on top of me. I feel hopeless and in love as Fey lets everything she kept inside, out. There¡¯s this notion that you shouldn¡¯t say ¡®I love you¡¯ too soon. But if the feeling is there, then why shouldn¡¯t I be able to say it? I want to tell her. I can¡¯t say it because I bear my own great sin. Why did I let my mom die? ¡°I think I love you, Sara.¡± Sara XII No specific day I think we¡¯re in a relationship. We haven¡¯t talked about it or anything close, but I think we¡¯re together. She likes to come over and talk about things that don¡¯t matter. When things do matter, I get to learn about her and I care about her a little bit more. Then we¡¯ll kiss for a few minutes and then cuddle in my bed as we watch a movie or two. We haven¡¯t had sex, but I haven¡¯t had the urge to. When Fey is around I¡¯m reminded of the good things in life. When she isn¡¯t, being alone is the worst pain ever. I¡¯m good at hiding it from my family but sometimes it gets hard. Dr. Fonseca made me feel worse for making me remember. I want to tell Andrew because I think he still sees mom in that light. But if tell I¡¯m shattering this image he has of her. She¡¯s the only reason why he¡¯s still a decent person and I can¡¯t image what he would do if I took that away. So I¡¯ve chosen not to tell him and I¡¯ll live protecting him. But the pain is there so I¡¯m forced to start taking my pills again. They make me feel numb and Freyja notices and tries her best to ignore my numbness. It¡¯s hard to ignore what I did to my mother as well. It¡¯s been weeks and I still haven¡¯t gotten over it. I¡¯ve tried talking to Dr. Fonseca about it so maybe I¡¯ll have this moment of clarity and move on, but she focused on Fey that entire session despite my wishes. I¡¯m not sure what her plan was if she wasn¡¯t going to fix it. There¡¯s this day when I¡¯m unable to leave my room. I¡¯m left alone while everyone goes to school. Fey immediately takes notice and I lie to her that I¡¯m feeling sick. When I spend my days at home it isn¡¯t a break or something I use to relax. I lay in my bed all day with the curtains blocking the sun and try to sleep as much as I can. I always fade in and out making time pass much faster but when I¡¯m away it moves twice as slowly. I like to lay in silence and when it gets unbearable I play music until it annoys me. I keep swallowing pills in hopes that it¡¯ll make me normal, but it doesn¡¯t matter. Fey calls me out on my lie. She says Andrew told her that I was too depressed to get up so she¡¯s coming straight after school. If she¡¯s coming over then I¡¯ll need to take a shower. Laying in bed all day isn¡¯t really good for hygiene. I can muster enough energy for this. Surprisingly, the shower helps more than I thought and I¡¯m able to walk around the house. After I make breakfast I head by to my room but I¡¯m stopped when I notice Grace¡¯s room is open. I haven¡¯t really talked to her much lately. I¡¯ve been neglecting her because I was too busy with Fey. Her room hasn¡¯t changed even though Grace has since I first met her. I lay in her bed to fall asleep again. There was a time when I could tell Grace almost everything and now we barely talk outside of school. I remember there were nights when Grace would come to my room to sleep with me because she would get nightmares of Elizabeth. This is where we shared our secrets. I place my hand under the pillow so I can better support my head and I feel a plastic bag. I get up and pull the bag out. It¡¯s cocaine. Why does Grace have cocaine? I instantly think Andrew gave it to her, but even he wouldn''t do that to her. The more I stare at it the more enamored I get. It¡¯s been so long since I had a taste. I¡¯ve been this strong for so long and I should be proud but I just can¡¯t right now. I cut a line out in the bathroom and stare at it long enough to drown out the voice in my head telling me not to. I break the promise I made to Virginia when I first started to live here. I stand there staring at myself until enough time passes and the coke kicks in. It¡¯s like a kick to the chest and everything becomes intense. It¡¯s just like how I remember and even better. It¡¯s just like the first time I did it. I feel like a queen and nothing can stop me. I do another line because once you¡¯re on it, you want to keep the snowball rolling. By now school has ended and I hide the bag back under the pillow and go to my room. I use the concentration from the coke to practice more of the guitar and I start to feel less numb and more like a human. Time resumes back to normal. Fey comes over before Grace or Andrew. She doesn¡¯t notice that I¡¯m high or at least doesn¡¯t care. We don¡¯t say anything as we go to my room together where she starts to kiss me to make me feel better. Somehow it feels fake. ¡°You should have told me you were depressed. I would have skipped school to be with you.¡± ¡°It¡¯s fine, you wouldn¡¯t have helped much.¡± ¡°Oh,¡± she frowns, ¡°are you okay?¡± ¡°I¡¯m doing better, thanks.¡± ¡°What¡¯s going on? Is it back?¡± I don¡¯t want to lie. It¡¯s the drug that makes me feel confident enough that I don¡¯t have to. ¡°It has for a while, I just haven¡¯t said anything.¡± ¡°Well, what¡¯s going on, why?¡± Do I tell her that I let my mom die? I feel like I can. Wait, I want to try something. I want to revisit that day. I feel like I can take it on head-on now. Hopefully Fey can understand where I¡¯m coming from. From what I can understand, Fey was also depressed but it was due to her own conflict after Eli¡¯s death. I pulled her out and became the light in her darkness and she¡¯s back to normal now. I however have been feeling like this since mom died, maybe even before. Fonseca said that depression can sometimes be genetic. If my mom killed herself because of it then maybe I got it from her as well. This is the reality that I have come to understand and as Fonseca said, I¡¯ll always live with it forever. Now I want answers because I just don¡¯t understand. My father would know. Now I stand here in front of Freyja and I want time to stop. I feel detached as I sit. I think it would be best if I was left to be forgotten that way there will be no backlash. The days will pass and life would move on. I¡¯m a sinner but even sinners deserve better. I¡¯m high on cocaine and I wait for me to come down so I can try to beat this depression once more because I know now that cocaine can only mask it for so long. ¡°Sara?¡± Fey asks. She¡¯s concerned for me even though she shouldn''t be. She shouldn¡¯t associate with me because I¡¯ll end up destroying her in the end like everything else I do. I know now that it was a mistake thinking it was a good idea to fix her. It makes me fucking sick that she chose to stick around.If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it. I decide to tell everything to Fey. Reliving the memories is less painful this time around but they still sting. I remember the ways my mother would hit me because I wouldn¡¯t listen. She would force me to do the dishes until my fingers wrinkled and would hit me because I didn¡¯t do it right no matter how well I did. Mom would call me ugly and useless and leave me to sleep without dinner. My dad would try his best to defend us because he somehow always chose her side. My father wasn¡¯t a bad person until Mom died, that¡¯s when he slowly broke down year by year. I think he tried to help Mom the best he could by being patient but it ultimately left me scarred for life. Ultimately it wouldn¡¯t matter because my father would hurt me more than anyone else ever would. Even now I relapse into cocaine I¡¯m more concerned about myself than Grace who is the one I should yell at. Instead, I¡¯m the one who is punishing herself. I don¡¯t tell Fey this even though I think this and I get angry because I couldn¡¯t be more selfish. Fey is better off without me because I still choose to hide things from her even though Fey has told me everything about her. But Fey doesn¡¯t care and holds me anyways and tells me, ¡°It¡¯s okay.¡± I hate that phrase. It¡¯s nothing but a lie and a waste of breath. However, Freyja has become more confident now that she¡¯s accepted who she is and takes initiative. Her lips take like peaches and I¡¯m instantly hooked by the bait. My doped-up brain decides it would be a good idea to take off her shirt even though we¡¯re in the living room. ¡°Let¡¯s go upstairs,¡± she says. I shake my head and tell her, ¡°No, I want this now.¡± ¡°Okay.¡± Because coke releases a shit ton of dopamine it makes Fey even more pleasurable to enjoy. Touching her, biting her neck, and grabbing hold of her breast comes very close to ecstasy for me. I couldn¡¯t imagine what this would feel like on MDMA and I honestly wouldn¡¯t mind trying it. Her moans excite me and give me goosebumps so I push her down so I can get on top of her. The front door opens and Andrew and Grace walk in. Fey doesn¡¯t hear them and they look at me for a second. Andrew raises an eyebrow and gives me a thumb up while Grace covers her mouth with her hands. Andrew takes Grace¡¯s hand and drags her outside to leave us alone. Fey doesn¡¯t see or hear this or maybe she did and just doesn¡¯t care like me. Now the only one I have to worry about is my adoptive mother but she wouldn¡¯t come home before 7. I take Fey¡¯s lacy blue bra off and admire her breasts for a second. Even without a bra on they¡¯re still bigger than mine and better shaped. I bite down her nipple to see if she likes it and I think she does as she gasps. Fey asks me to take off my shirt and I comply and she grabs my right tit from under my bra. She doesn¡¯t have a clue of what to do but I guess I¡¯m in the same boat. I¡¯ve only had sex with one other girl and I barely remember it. I don¡¯t even think it was real. I actually have no idea what I¡¯m doing and let the drug and instinct kick in. Fey bites my neck quite hard and it equally makes me excited as mad. I play with her breasts with my mouth as I slowly move my hand toward her jeans. Fey pulls my head down to her lips with both of her hands like she can¡¯t resist me. I finally break her barrier and unbuckle her jeans so I can move my hand down there. Fey arches her back in pleasure and I get under her underwear. ¡°Wait, wait, wait, wait,¡± she stops me and I pull my hand out. ¡°What¡¯s wrong?¡± ¡°I-I never done this before. I¡¯m still a virgin, Sara.¡± That¡¯s right, she told me she lied about fucking Connor and that other guy to keep up appearances. ¡°Okay, I¡¯ll stop.¡± Fey shakes her head furiously. ¡°I want this. There¡¯s no going back. Ju-just be careful.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t be afraid and tell me to stop if you don¡¯t like something. I don¡¯t want to hurt you, Fey,¡± I kiss her as I move my hand back down. Fey is warm and wet. She¡¯s excited and gives me this great gasp as my fingers enter. I decide to go slow as I think it¡¯s best for a virgin although I know nothing about lesbian sex. At most I can only use myself as a reference. Her jeans make it hard to move and I think Fey realizes this because she takes them off for me. Fey doesn¡¯t take her eyes off me as I move and she bites her lips in between gasps and moans. I try my best to feel every each of Fey¡¯s body with my lips as they slowly make their way into her pussy. I take my hand out and Fey grabs hold of my hair when I kiss her there. Once again, Freyja arches her back in pleasure. This is something I¡¯ll remember forever. I take my bra off and pull down my pants as I let Fey take over. I remember very little about my first time with that girl but the pleasure was faintly there. Everything before that was fake moans and disgusting penises entering my body. But Freyja knows even less than I do but it¡¯s a hundred times better than any other guy before her. Even though she¡¯s awkward and loses rhythm it doesn¡¯t matter because it feels real. There¡¯s emotions behind her actions and she shows me that she cares. Fey is adorable when she looks away embarrassed when I smile at her. ¡°Do you want to try going down?¡± ¡°I¡¯ll suck at it, you wouldn¡¯t like it.¡± ¡°There¡¯s only one way you¡¯ll learn. Besides, you¡¯re amazing and wonderful. I just want us to experience each other.¡± ¡°Sara,¡± she gulps. ¡°I love you.¡± This is the second time she says it. I want to say it back but Fey doesn¡¯t wait and moves her head down. She imitates me by kissing me and then my mind explodes. She¡¯s better than she thought she would be but I don¡¯t tell her that. Instead, I let out fucks and oh gods with moans and gasps because I have never experienced anything like this. Fey gets a bit of confidence even though she stays awkward and I think that makes it even better. Freyja is such an amazing girl I can¡¯t believe I regretted becoming her friend. I¡¯m an awful person who doesn¡¯t deserve her but at least I get to enjoy everything about her for now. I thought I was supposed to help her but instead, she is the only light in my darkness. - One day she comes over crying because her father was diagnosed with cancer. I let her cry in my arms as she lets everything out. Even with Fey in my arms I still feel a bit apathetic so it becomes hard for me to show empathy. I try my best because I actually do care but this depression still hasn¡¯t gone away. Fey says, ¡°Thank you for everything you did for me. You¡¯re honestly the best person in my life right now and I don¡¯t want you to ever leave. I was living in this world of darkness and you managed to be the light in it. You shine bright.¡± I kiss Fey on her peach-flavored lips and tell her, ¡°I love you.¡± It¡¯s too soon but I can¡¯t delay it any longer. Fey makes my heart burn when she takes her time to respond to my messages and makes my heart melt whenever she does something cute and simple like smiling. She¡¯s someone I daydream about growing old with. Fey¡¯s eyes widen with happiness when those words come out of my mouth, ¡°I want to be your light in your own darkness. I don¡¯t want you to ever feel like you¡¯re alone ever again. I¡¯m yours and God cannot rip me away from you. I¡¯ll make you strong as you made me.¡± ¡°I want to take you somewhere special, somewhere very important to me,¡± I tell her. She¡¯s been there before but I don¡¯t think she knows the meaning of this place. It¡¯s already dark out so it won¡¯t be tonight but I want her to know what this treehouse means to me. ¡°Where?¡± Sara XIII April 20th, 2014 I feel better. I feel a lot better. Tomorrow is my last session with Dr. Fonseca and she promises that after it I will have the tools to live a normal life. But I¡¯m happy again and I get to focus on other people instead of just myself and Fey. We walk together after school and even though we live on different streets we end up going to a major street that¡¯s a halfway point to our houses. This is where we say goodbye but continue to text each other on the way home. I asked Andrew to delay Grace from coming home early. When he asked why I almost told him the truth. Instead, I told him I needed to confirm something really quickly. I don¡¯t doubt Andrew being able to figure it out he just wouldn¡¯t care. As soon I get home I throw my backpack onto the couch and head over to Grace¡¯s room. There¡¯s nothing under her pillow. It figures, I thought it was odd she would keep an eight-ball there. I check under the mattress and nothing. There isn¡¯t anything in her closet either and I start to wonder if she finished it all. I think back to two years ago to see where I hid my bags. Of course, Grace hid it in between one of her books. This is where I used to hide it when I didn¡¯t have much left. This time I put it in my pocket instead of taking some for myself. I can¡¯t have that moment of weakness again. Grace comes home and immediately goes to her room. ¡°What¡¯s going on?¡± Andrew asks. I pull Andrew aside the the kitchen and pull out the bag I took from Gracie. ¡°What? You want to share?¡± I kick his foot, ¡°No dumbass. This is Grace¡¯s. Do you know anything about that?¡± Andrew shakes her head. ¡°Since when did Grace do it?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know, but I found it. I thought you might have given it to her. I really don¡¯t want her to get addicted to it.¡± Andrew sighs, ¡°And you want me to talk to her? Wouldn¡¯t that be hypocritical? We were doing the same shit at her age.¡± ¡°And look at where it all got us.¡± Andrew scoffs, maybe even laughs I can¡¯t tell. ¡°We¡¯re not her parents. Let her do what she wants, she¡¯s growing up,¡± Andrew gently pushes me aside to get a glass of water. ¡°Or do you still want her to be that awkward nerdy virgin of everything when we first met her?¡± ¡°Not this, Andrew. Not like this. She¡¯s supposed to be better than us. It¡¯s our job to not let this down corrupt her as it did to us.¡± Andrew sighs and drinks all of his water in one go. ¡°Fine, but we do it together.¡± That was my original plan anyways. Andrew knocks on Grace¡¯s door and she opens up a few seconds later. She¡¯s playing a game that¡¯s on pause. If it was online, she would have just told us to come in. Andrew doesn¡¯t hesitate to show her the bag of coke. ¡°What¡¯s this?¡± Grace¡¯s eyes widen in shock and horror. ¡°That isn¡¯t mine! I¡¯m keeping it for my friend.¡± Andrew snickers, ¡°Don¡¯t bullshit me, Grace.¡± ¡°I found it under your pillow a couple of days ago. I didn¡¯t say anything until I knew you were actually doing it.¡± ¡°It¡¯s the first bag I bought, I swear!¡± ¡°Grace, since when have you been doing this?¡± Andrew moves forwards, intimidating Grace to walk back. I tend to forget that Andrew can be the scariest person when he gets mad. ¡°I know when you lie so try to be honest.¡±A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation. ¡°I uh, I,¡± Grace fumbles over her words. I think she could crumble up in the ball at any second. ¡°What, Grace?¡± ¡°Andrew, don¡¯t be so hard on her! Gracie, we just don¡¯t want you to become what we used to be. We¡¯re concerned, not mad.¡± ¡°I¡¯m mad,¡± Andrew states. ¡°Since last summer!¡± ¡°What?! Andrew and I say simultaneously. ¡°Grace, why?¡± I continue. This is a lot of pressure for Grace. We have never been mad at her and I don¡¯t think Virginia has ever yelled at her. This may be the first time Grace is getting in trouble. ¡°Because.¡± ¡°Because?¡± Andrew steps forward again, pushing Grace back one more. ¡°Tell me.¡± ¡°Do you no remember what happened last summer?! Emily getting shot? Chris going into that mental hospital? Cody disappearing like a ghost? It all got fucked up and I just wanted to escape it for while. I just liked it more than anything else.¡± Escape. I can understand that. I¡¯m still worried about her, but I can at least understand why I should be. I used to be like her, and maybe I still am and Fey is just that escape. ¡°Who gave it to you?¡± ¡°This guy I know. He¡¯s a friend and we talk to each other like once a month.¡± Andrew takes a deep breath. ¡°This shit stops now.¡± ¡°Okay,¡± Grace¡¯s voice is weak. ¡°I¡¯ll stop.¡± ¡°Good.¡± ¡°But this is bullshit. You¡¯re stopping me from this when last year you took me to a rave and gave me ecstasy? Or how about the time when you all peer-pressured me to drink and smoke weed? Where¡¯s the fucking line?¡± I had a feeling she would bring this up. ¡°That was our mistake. We didn¡¯t know any better.¡± Gosh, I sound like a parent. Right now I feel much older than I actually am. ¡°And you do now? Because Andrew doesn¡¯t drink every night and you didn¡¯t have sex with Fey a couple of days ago on the couch.¡± ¡°We¡¯re learning on the go?¡± I don¡¯t know if Andrew made a joke there or not but I found it funny. I couldn¡¯t though, it wouldn¡¯t be appropriate. ¡°Look, we fucked up. I fucked up, Grace.¡± ¡°Is this your apology, Andrew? You never apologized for that night. I still remember it by the way. I still would have let you.¡± I don¡¯t get what Grace is talking about. What night? The one where Andrew confessed to me when he was drunk? That was the day he took her to that rave, wasn¡¯t it? ¡°I¡¯m not talking about this.¡± ¡°But I want to! Why did you stop?!¡± I sense Andrew getting pissed again. Grace doesn''t know that I know but now I get to hear it from her mouth. ¡°I was fucked up. That isn¡¯t who I am anymore, Grace. I¡¯m sorry.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t beat around the bush, Andrew. Tell Sara what you did, then I¡¯ll accept your apology and I¡¯ll never get high on coke again.¡± Andrew looks over at me. We haven¡¯t talked about it since he first told me. I doubt he remembers. ¡°I told her, she knows. Right, Sara.¡± ¡°I want you to tell me what happened, Grace. Did Andrew hurt you?¡± Grace is in tears at this point. It¡¯s not anything major but this isn¡¯t fair what we¡¯re doing. ¡°I wanted to okay? Andrew went for it and I let him! But he stopped himself. He never hurt me.¡± Grace wipes away her tears and sits down on her chair. ¡°Are you done? Or are you gonna tell Mom?¡± I shake my head, ¡°No. I¡¯m sorry we did this, Gracie. I just don¡¯t want you to end up as I did. Drugs don¡¯t help you escape.¡± ¡°I want to be left alone now.¡± ¡°Okay,¡± I say walking out of her room but Andrew doesn¡¯t. He takes a few steps towards me before stopping and turning to Grace. ¡°If you ever need anything, I would stop the world to help you, Grace. You aren¡¯t alone.¡± Andrew follows me to my room and lays down on my bed. He seemingly pulls a lollipop out of nowhere and puts it in his mouth. I sit down at my desk and open up my laptop to get started on my homework. ¡°When you said that to Grace about stopping the world, did you mean it?¡± ¡°Of course.¡± ¡°I thought I was the only person you cared about.¡± ¡°Grace comes a close second. Her innocence begs to be protected. I think I see her as family.¡± ¡°You¡¯re growing soft, is it because of Jerrica?¡± ¡°Fuck off, Sara,¡± He laughs, confirming my suspicion. ¡°What about Jana Frey-ja Elledge Kramer Electric Boogaloo? I never asked how was it. Was she tight? She looks like she¡¯s tight.¡± ¡°Ew, Andy. I¡¯m not gonna tell you. And I don¡¯t have a dick so I wouldn¡¯t know,¡± I laugh. ¡°Are you happy with her?¡± I look over at my brother who is staring at the ceiling. ¡°Of course.¡± Andrew looks over at me and smiles. Part of me wants to ask more about this Jerrica girl but I know he won¡¯t answer. Still though, to have Andrew hooked she must be one amazing girl. Sara XIV May 3rd, 2014 When I told Fey we should go to Prom together as a couple, she said yes. She didn¡¯t even hesitate either. This was a couple of days ago and she has been acting strange since. It¡¯s been so strange that she hasn¡¯t texted me all day at all even though I keep texting her. But I guess we don¡¯t have to talk every day since we¡¯ll eventually run out of things to say. Today I¡¯m with Grace as we go dress shopping together. Sophomores aren¡¯t allowed to attend prom unless taken by a Senior. She¡¯s lucky Andrew is willing to take her. Yet she¡¯s pretty excited she gets to go and maybe join the after-parties if Virginia lets her. ¡°You think if I get a part-time job, Mom will buy me a car?¡± Grace asks as we walk in the stores to go dress hunting. ¡°What makes you say that?¡± ¡°Wishful thinking. Your sessions have ended so now she has spare money. How were they anyways? Mine were way shorter than yours.¡± ¡°Because you went in for trauma, I was in for depression. And I think they went alright for the most part. My psychologist helped me get through it.¡± ¡°What was it like? I mean, like, are you okay? Is it over?¡± Grace makes me laugh. ¡°I think it is. What¡¯s with the sudden interest?¡± Grace shrugs, ¡°I¡¯m allowed to be curious at my age.¡± ¡°Well do you have any more questions, missy?¡± ¡°Am I allowed to ask?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t see why not.¡± Grace and I head over to the most expensive dresses first. Wishful thinking. In fact, all of the dresses in this store will be too expensive for us to afford. ¡°Did you ever figure out why you like to pretend to smoke cigarettes?¡± ¡°No,¡± I never told Fonseca about the cigarettes. I still daydream about them and they are still all relatively the same. I still have the cigarette Bo gave me and I like to keep it in my mouth as I practice my guitar. ¡°I have a theory. Oh, this one¡¯s pretty,¡± Grace picks out a red dress for herself and hangs it over her chest. She¡¯s right, it is pretty but too expensive like I thought. ¡°Shoot.¡± ¡°Maybe you like to pretend because a cigarette represents the rebellion inside you but you won¡¯t ever smoke because you¡¯re slowly getting over it,¡± Grace gets out a white dress for me and holds it over me. ¡°Maybe,¡± I giggle. ¡°I don¡¯t deserve white, get me another.¡± ¡°Alright,¡± Grace puts the dress back and finds me a blue one. When she holds it over me, she notices the necklace I¡¯m wearing for the first time. ¡°Where did you get that?¡± ¡°Oh, the necklace?¡± I¡¯d forgotten that I haven¡¯t told a soul that I went to Emmah¡¯s concert. ¡°Fey got it for me when we got together, she has a matching pair.¡± Grace giggles, ¡°You guys are so adorable. Can I ask another question.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t need to ask permission, Grace. Come on, let¡¯s go to an actual store where we can afford things, like Macy¡¯s or Forever XXI.¡± ¡°So like, how is it being a lesbian? I never thought to ask you because I think it¡¯s rude too.¡± ¡°How is that rude?¡± I laugh. The next store isn¡¯t that far and it¡¯s one where Grace is gonna get her dress. ¡°It¡¯s the same as liking guys, Grace, but you replace them with girls.¡± ¡°Well duh. But I mean with Freyja. Andrew told me you guys were gonna fuck when we walked in on you guys. How was it?¡± ¡°Oh my god, Grace. You¡¯re still a virgin who are you to compare?¡± I laugh as we enter the store. ¡°I¡¯m curious, what if I like girls too? I don¡¯t know that yet.¡± ¡°I¡¯ll tell you but only if you drop it so we can get you your damn dress. ¡°Okay,¡± Grace smiles, ¡°Is having sex with a girl weird?¡±The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation. ¡°It wasn¡¯t weird. It was a bit awkward because both of us didn¡¯t know what to do but we gave it our best shot. We just ate each other out and felt each other as much as we could.¡± ¡°Oh, TMI.¡± ¡°Bitch, you asked!¡± I laugh but it at least gets Grace to drop the subject until we pick out this pink dress that screams out Gracie. It¡¯s cute and innocent like her but shows enough skin that tells me she¡¯s growing up. It¡¯s the perfect dress for someone who is destined to become the queen of Mickle Ray High School and be the person to take up the rightful throne since Elizabeth. It¡¯s been joked about but I honestly see it happening. With each day that passes, she loses her baby face and grows a face of a beautiful woman. She¡¯s making the right friends to boost her social status and once she graduates she¡¯ll stop holding herself back when she hangs out with us. Grace picks me this black and white dress that matches everything about me. I couldn¡¯t think about saying no to it because it felt like it had my name stitched on it. I was planning on looking at a few more stores but this would do. Our date to the mall is already over, all that¡¯s left is getting something to eat at the food store. I was hoping it would be longer. Grace and I haven¡¯t had the chance to be sisters for a while so I¡¯m glad this happened. Grace and I haven¡¯t talked about it since the other day but I think it¡¯s for the best. It¡¯s better this way, Grace isn¡¯t supposed to fall down from heaven as we all did. ¡°I talk to Mom about Dad last night,¡± she opens by putting a chicken popcorn nugget in her mouth. ¡°Oh yeah? What about?¡± I¡¯m reminded that Fey hasn¡¯t texted back. I check my phone if I missed anything, but there¡¯s nothing. ¡°I thought a lot about what I did. I shouldn¡¯t have kept it a secret and maybe you would have accepted it if I didn¡¯t do it so often.¡± Did she tell Mom? ¡°Grace-¡± ¡°But I thought a lot about it that night and I wondered if things would be different if I had a dad. I know a lot about him already but I never asked what he thought of me, of what he wanted me to be.¡± ¡°He was alive when you were born?¡± As far as I know, Grace¡¯s father was killed in a car accident and she never knew him. ¡°He died when I was two. But I asked Mom and she said that he would steal the world for me.¡± ¡°What was his name?¡± ¡°Zach.¡± ¡°What did Mom say?¡± ¡°She said that he wanted me to be a lawyer and work under him so we could save the world together. He had all of this planned out and was about to start working at this big lawyer firm.¡± ¡°Wait, how old was he? I thought Virginia had you when she was 17,¡± ¡°18, so he died when he was 21. Mom said he was so bright that the firm wanted to hire him as soon as he graduated. In the meantime, he was a paid intern. It¡¯s funny really. I would have had this whole other life if he didn¡¯t die. I would still be in California with different friends. Maybe I would have turned out normal.¡± ¡°Normal, what¡¯s normal?¡± ¡°Well, not weird. You know what I mean. You have seen who I was when you met me.¡± I do remember, fondly. The memory makes me smile. ¡°And I couldn¡¯t be prouder. But what are you trying to tell me.¡± ¡°I guess that I¡¯m sorry. I don¡¯t have the proper guidance so I tend to do stupid things. The closest thing I have for a father right now is Andrew and he isn¡¯t the best role model.¡± ¡°We¡¯re still kids, I think we¡¯re allowed to be stupid.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t feel like one.¡± ¡°Because you sometimes don¡¯t,¡± I giggle. Grace takes her time to finish her food while I do the same. She ordered much more than me so it takes her longer. ¡°Are you still mad at me?¡± When I look at Gracie I see the exact same person I was at her age. She¡¯s lost and maybe a bit confused about what she wants to do. ¡°Sometimes I feel like it¡¯s all worthless and it won¡¯t matter in the end,¡± but when she says that, I¡¯m reminded of Elizabeth. Yeah, this is a better comparison. Elizabeth was the angel that was dragged down to hell. Gracie is now the angel this town wants to bring down. No, I¡¯m being silly. ¡°I¡¯m not mad at you Grace. I love you, I just want you to be at your best.¡± Grace smiles, ¡°Thank you. Can we stop by the record store today before we head home? There are a few Vinyls I want.¡± ¡°Why are you so interested in vinyl the past few months?¡± ¡°Cody got me into them.¡± ¡°Cody, as in Emily¡¯s Cody? Who got Emily shot and disappeared, Cody?¡± Grace nods like it isn¡¯t a big deal. ¡°You still talk to him?¡± ¡°Sometimes. He¡¯s doing well if you¡¯re asking.¡± I didn¡¯t want to anyways. Even Andrew doesn¡¯t talk to Cody anymore after what he did. Grace shouldn¡¯t either. I decide to drop the subject for a later day. We don¡¯t talk about anything important on the way to the record store or as she¡¯s buying a disk there. Once we¡¯re home we show Virginia the dresses we bought and even put them on for her. Andrew snickers at us for caring so something so trivial. ¡°Shouldn¡¯t you have gone with me so you can get a suit?¡± Virginia comments. ¡°Oh, right,¡± He chuckles. ¡°I should probably do that soon. Are you sure you want to pay for that as well?¡± ¡°Shut up and go to your room before I change my mind,¡± Virginia scowls which is pretty funny. It¡¯s been while a since the two fought each other like that. I take a photo of myself in the dress so I can send it to Fey. She still hasn¡¯t said anything back and I¡¯m starting to wonder if she¡¯s okay. I click send with the hope that she will say something back, anything. This silence is making me anxious. It¡¯s been hard on her I know. Her father was diagnosed with cancer so she hasn¡¯t been in the best of moods lately. I think she¡¯s in the hospital with him, that¡¯s why she hasn''t said anything back. But I want to be there for her because I know she needs it. Then my phone vibrates as I¡¯m in the shower. Fey <3: It looks so pretty. I can¡¯t wait till I see it in person :) I reply: Missed you today. Can I call you later?¡± Fey <3: Ok. I am back in the shower wanting to feel Fey¡¯s touch again. Freyja Elledge III May 4th, 2014 My father throws a dining chair across the living room. My mother is terrified and doesn¡¯t bother to intervene. My brother stands by her on the sidelines as they watch my now-dying father disown me. I told him the truth. ¡°No daughter of mine will commit one of the forbidden sins! You will live by the hand of God like you were born and raised! This rebellion has gone far enough, Freyja!¡± ¡°It¡¯s not a rebellion, this is who I am!¡± I¡¯m standing up for myself just like how I always wanted to. Now I have that courage and it¡¯s taking me everything I have to stand up straight without trembling. ¡°GOD DOES NOT ACCEPT FAGGOTS!!!¡± ¡°IF GOD WAS ALL GOOD THEN WHY WOULDN¡¯T HE ACCEPT ME?!! I lived my life with blind faith in him, devoted myself to the church, and for what?! Are you going to turn back against your own daughter?!¡± ¡°YES! If it means forcing you back on the path of God, then so be it! I will not die letting my daughter be corrupted!¡± This is what it all adds up to parents who I love but will never accept who I am. Now I¡¯m tearing my family apart. My mother is sure to hate my father for yelling at me like this and will hate me because I¡¯m no longer the daughter she thought she had. When I¡¯m out of the picture I¡¯m sure my father will grill Alex to be connected with the church and in turn, he will hate me for that too. ¡°It¡¯s not a choice, Dad. I love her, and that will never change.¡± My father calms down as well when he takes a deep breath. ¡°On your birthday, when you turn 18, either you break up with her or you leave the house. I don''t care where you go and if you do, you are no longer part of this family,¡± My father finishes before starting to walk past all of us to leave the house. ¡°Finn!¡± My mother chases after him. Alex picks up the chair my father threw and places it back to where it was. ¡°Aren¡¯t you going to say anything?¡± I ask him when he tries to go upstairs. Alex stops and looks down at me. ¡°You made your choice, sis. I can¡¯t help you but what you did, was pretty cool.¡± ¡°Do you hate me?¡± ¡°Want to know a secret?¡± I don¡¯t believe in God so I don¡¯t care,¡± Alex says going upstairs without giving me time to respond. I go to my room and see if Sara has sent me any text messages. She hasn¡¯t responded since the last one I sent. I could really need her right now. It¡¯s hard to keep it all together and not cry. The words that my father said, can¡¯t be true. But they add up, I''m being punished. My mother comes in and sits next to me without a word. She doesn¡¯t say anything for a while in fact. ¡°Did you come in just to scream at me too?¡± I break the ice. Mom sighs, ¡°No. I¡¯m not your father.¡± ¡°Then leave me alone if you¡¯re gonna scold me.¡± ¡°Freyja,¡± Mom grabs hold of my hand so I know she doesn¡¯t have ill will. It actually helps me calm down a bit. ¡°I was mad when you told me you denounced God after your friend died, but I understood. I thought you would come back to us and you eventually did. I know I strayed off a couple of times when I was younger, so I understood. I also understood when this Sara made you happy again became your best friend. And I want to understand why you feel so strongly for her to the point where you¡¯re in love. I want to understand, Freyja.¡± ¡°Do you think that he meant what he said? That I was the reason he got cancer? Is this my punishment from God?¡± Mom tightens her grip on my hand. I couldn¡¯t let go even if I wanted to. ¡°I don¡¯t know. I can¡¯t say what God has planned.¡± ¡°Do you blame me?¡± ¡°No.¡± ¡°Are you lying?¡± ¡°No,¡± Mom doesn¡¯t hesitate. She¡¯s telling the truth. ¡°Don¡¯t blame yourself for your father¡¯s cancer.¡± But he blames me. I¡¯m not sure if I blame myself but all of this started when I finally accepted that I¡¯m gay and had sex with Sara. It can¡¯t be a coincidence. ¡°So what do you think? Are you gonna shun me because I¡¯m in love with her? Are you here to tell me that it¡¯s wrong because some book said so?¡± ¡°No,¡± Mom lets go of my hand and looks at me. ¡°I just want to understand what makes her so special.¡± ¡°It¡¯s not only what makes her special, Mom. I¡¯ve liked girls since I met Elizabeth I just never wanted to admit it. And Sara is much more than that. She¡¯s the one who God put on this earth for me to be with.¡± ¡°So this is not a choice? is this something you can¡¯t control?¡± ¡°Yeah, It¡¯s not a choice.¡± Mom smiles and holds my hand again letting me know it¡¯s all right. This is what mothers do. They¡¯re the ones who are the most understanding. ¡°Your father will never believe that.¡± ¡°So what am I supposed to do?¡± Mom sighs. ¡°Fey, I know what I¡¯m about to say next will hurt, so I¡¯m sorry,¡± She pauses. I already know what she¡¯s going to say so I close my eyes. This way I can hear it clearly. ¡°What you¡¯re doing, what you say you are, it¡¯s wrong. Fey, this isn¡¯t who you¡¯re supposed to be. You have no right to deny the presence of Him. If you continue this path, only hell awaits. That being said,¡± Mom pauses and takes a breath as she lets go of my hand. ¡°God gave us all free will so we are able to live our lives as we want. I won¡¯t accept it if you chose Sara over us, but I will understand. I will support this decision and you¡¯ll always be my daughter regardless of what your father says.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t understand.¡± ¡°I¡¯m saying that it¡¯s okay if you want to leave, I won¡¯t hate you for it.¡± ¡°Is that what you want me to do? Should I throw away everything I have here for some romance that I¡¯m not even sure will last? ¡°Fey, you know I want you to stay.¡± ¡°So do I have to break her heart and mine just to make you two happy? Am I really given this ultimatum?¡± I finally open my eyes. My mother gets up from my bed and stands over me. ¡°It¡¯s unfair, I know. Fey, I want you to stay. Break up with her and be miserable again for a while. You¡¯ve known Sara for far too little to throw away your life for her. You still have college to think about, you still have the church to think about, and all your responsibilities. You know you will end up successful if you follow the path your father and I have laid out for you. Have you ever told Sara about this? You should, because then maybe she could understand.¡± ¡°I know,¡± I lied to Sara when I told her I didn¡¯t know what I wanted after high school. I never had to figure it out, I always had that path laid out for me since the day I was born. ¡°I know,¡± I reiterate. ¡°You still have a month to think about it so take your time. I¡¯ll make sure your father doesn¡¯t pressure you.¡± ¡°Thanks,¡± I say weakly as Mom leaves. I get out of the house for fresh air. I left my phone in my room so I wouldn¡¯t be disturbed. I have nowhere to go as I aimlessly walk around the town. My father¡¯s words still sting and my mother¡¯s words still sting. They hurt so much that I want to run away into Sara¡¯s arms. Maybe I can convince her to run away with me. ¡°You know she wouldn¡¯t let you,¡± She says walking behind me. I know that. It¡¯s wishful thinking. I end up in the town¡¯s skate park. This is where everything fell apart about a year ago. This is where Emily got shot and forced to leave this town forever. I really liked her. Emily was too kind for this town. I enter the woods, the forest of Darkwood through here. This is the fastest way to the secret open area that only a handful of people know, to the treehouse. I¡¯ve been there before. Elizabeth invited me along with our friend Carlos to play a game of hide and seek with her new friends in Cody¡¯s group. Then Sara took me there a couple of weeks ago. The treehouse was no longer there, instead, it was just a broken-down tree with wood and burnt-up photographs everywhere. She said that it was hit by lightning a year ago that destroyed it all. Still, I find myself drawn to it because this is where Sara finally got through to me. This is where she took me, a place where that¡¯s special to her now. I¡¯ve been struck by lightning and right now it¡¯s burning me down. I pick up one of the photographs that are half burned and washed up from all the rain and mud. It¡¯s one of Sara and Emily although Emily¡¯s side is burned off. I wonder what she¡¯s doing right now. I wonder what everyone¡¯s doing. Maybe it¡¯s time to start up Facebook again just to take a peak. I don¡¯t because it¡¯s better this way, it¡¯s safer. I don¡¯t have to be in the limelight like how Bo put everyone at the start of the year. It¡¯s been two crazy ass years. I¡¯ve spent 75% of those years hidden away while a lot of people¡¯s worlds fell apart. Now it¡¯s my turn. This is how my world falls apart and I don¡¯t have a choice. I¡¯ll lose something either way. I love Sara, I really do. She¡¯s the shining light in the darkness used to live in. I might still do but the light is so bright now I can¡¯t even tell. Even if I wanted to stay with my family, I would end up destroying her. Sara lives in a world of depression and medication just to stay normal, I would undo all the progress she has made if I did that. It¡¯s stupid that I could ever consider it. I hear a noise not far off from me. It¡¯s the sound of pounding wood. Horror movies tell me not to follow the strange noise but I¡¯m a white girl who doesn¡¯t know better. I walk towards it without caution until I¡¯m in a smaller open field that holds a very large tree. There are wooden planks and tools everywhere. I look up and there¡¯s a wooden base floor already built and someone is hammering up there. Another tree house is being built. I trip on some planks before I can leave and I catch the attention of the person above me. ¡°Who¡¯s there?¡± he says, a familiar voice. He looks down but I can¡¯t get a good look at him but he for sure is familiar. ¡°Oh!¡± The guy comes down climbs down the steps and jumps down to the ground. It¡¯s Cody. I thought he disappeared like a ghost. ¡°Freyja, what are you doing here?¡± ¡°Hi Cody,¡± I smile at him. Since Elizabeth''s death, I¡¯ve only blamed him. I still continue to blame him. Yet he would often be the only one to try to ask how I was doing despite my constant rejects. I remember a night when he caught me walking home in the rain. That was the first night I asked anyone to use my real name. Cody observes me before he says anything. That¡¯s his thing. He always seems like he¡¯s overly serious and always watching. This is something Elizabeth would always talk about, it¡¯s why she liked him in the first place. I feel sorry for him. He¡¯s been made an enemy of the entire town. ¡°Freyja? How did you find this place?¡±The story has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation. ¡°I heard the noise and followed,¡± Nevermind why I was out here in the first place. I can feel Elizabeth¡¯s presence behind me. She¡¯s smiling. ¡°How have you been?¡± ¡°Better.¡± Cody chuckles, ¡°Lately, that holds true for everyone I know,¡± Cody stares directly into my eyes with that intensity Elizabeth always talked about. I thought it was creepy the way she described it but now that I¡¯m seeing it in person, it¡¯s not. Cody looks at me like he¡¯s curious and at the same time, protectful. I¡¯m careful to make sure his eyes aren¡¯t lusty. ¡°Are you okay? You seem in distress.¡± It¡¯s odd that he knows this. Everything Elizabeth said about him is true. He knows what¡¯s going on just by looking at me. I don¡¯t want to trust him. He¡¯s the one that dragged Elizabeth down to the rest of us. He¡¯s the one responsible for her death. I want to hate him. I want to. ¡°But you can¡¯t because you know it¡¯s not true.¡± She says behind me. Elizabeth finally moves and positions herself next to Cody. She holds his hand even though he can¡¯t feel it and it¡¯s just in my imagination. ¡°I still like him,¡± she giggles, ¡°you can trust him.¡± ¡°What would you do if you have a choice between getting kicked out to be with the person you love, giving up everything and never being able to get it back; Or, breaking the heart of the person you love?¡± ¡°Depends on what I¡¯m giving up and how much I love this person.¡± ¡°The love is new, fresh, and unexplored. What you¡¯re giving up is a secure future without ever having to worry about anything else.¡± Cody looks at the sky, ¡°Hmm, that¡¯s a tough one,¡± He looks down and smiles. ¡°I¡¯m sure whatever you¡¯re going through, you¡¯ll make the right choice.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know which one it is.¡± ¡°Two years ago, I would have taken my lover over anything else. Now I live in the real world. There¡¯s only really one choice here, Jana.¡± ¡°How do you know that?¡± Cody gives off this warm smile that hooks me in. I can¡¯t understand it. ¡°Because family is a pain but they set up the foundation for your life. You just can¡¯t throw all of that away because you think you will love this person forever. Don¡¯t be childish, Jana. I think that¡¯s what your parents are trying to tell you.¡± I scoff at him. ¡°How do you know everything? I haven¡¯t told you anything.¡± ¡°I know pain when I see it. Right now, you¡¯re being torn apart and it¡¯s pretty easy to see.¡± I don¡¯t know why but I start to laugh. I don¡¯t know if it¡¯s because he¡¯s so pretentious or if he¡¯s right. ¡°Elizabeth was right about you. You are an ass.¡± Cody chuckles and looks down at his feet for a second. ¡°Yeah, that sounds like me. I¡¯m sorry by the way. I didn¡¯t mean to have things happen the way they did.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t need an apology, Cody. But thanks anyways.¡± Cody mouths out, ¡°Okay.¡± Or he whispers it and I just didn¡¯t hear it. ¡°Can you at least tell me what happened since I have you here? I need to hear it in your own words.¡± Cody sighs and walks over to a tree stump near his tree house. He taps it, inviting me to sit. Cody sits back to back to me. ¡°I failed her. I thought I could keep her away from the corruption I inject people with but it was too much.¡± ¡°Is that it?¡± I feel him shake his head, ¡°I could have been a better boyfriend, a better person. I couldn¡¯t keep her away from the other monsters that lurked around.¡± ¡°I talked to Andrew about it. He said Lyle was the one who sold her all of the cocaine, and something called Winter. Who¡¯s Lyle and what¡¯s Winter?¡± Cody stays quiet for a moment. Lyle was the drug dealer and Winter was this myth of a drug that likes to spread around school. Andrew refused to go into details. ¡°Lyle is someone you should never get involved with and Winter is a drug that¡¯s too expensive to ever buy. All it does is fuck up your perception of the world. There¡¯s a reason why it¡¯s not around anymore.¡± There at things that are better kept unsaid. Elizabeth stands before me, smiling. ¡°Is this the truth that you seek?¡± ¡°Why did she kill herself, Cody? Nobody knows why.¡± ¡°That¡¯s because she never told anyone why. She never left behind a note or a goodbye.¡± ¡°Then what do you think-¡± ¡°Elizabeth was scared of the future and couldn''t handle it. She grew to have this highly unhealthy mentality and nobody could help her in time. That¡¯s why she did it. She was desperate to be saved but everyone was just self-absorbed to see it.¡± I don¡¯t take my eyes off Elizabeth. ¡°Is that true?¡± I say out loud and she nods. ¡°Do you forgive him?¡± ¡°Who are you-¡± Cody stops himself. ¡°This is as close as you¡¯re gonna get now and I¡¯ll have to say my final goodbye now,¡± Elizabeth smiles. ¡°Stay strong, Fey. you were always my favorite and I¡¯ll always love you.¡± I watch her fade away for what I know is the last time. I won¡¯t ever see her again. ¡°Okay,¡± I tell her. ¡°Thank you.¡± Cody gets up from his seat and walks around to face me. He taps me with his foot because I don¡¯t pay attention to him. ¡°I¡¯m gonna get going, Freyja. Take your time and think things over. I¡¯m sure that¡¯s what you¡¯re doing over here, but still. It was nice seeing you again.¡± ¡°Okay, thank you, Cody,¡± Cody chuckles and walks away with his hands in his pockets. ¡°Oh, and don¡¯t tell anyone about this place! It¡¯ll be our secret like how I know yours now!¡± Cody disappears again and I¡¯m likely to never see him again. The tree house he is building, it¡¯s massive. Just from the base alone, it feels like it¡¯s going to be a cabin more than anything. He already has a wall done and I¡¯m wondering if he¡¯s doing it all by himself. Cody is rebuilding himself. It goes to show that I am not alone in the world. It seems everyone is broken in one way or the other. I find myself taking an Uber to the diner just on the outskirt of town. This is the only entrance and exits into Darkwood and the diner is a very popular place to hang out for a post-midnight snack. I haven¡¯t been to many parties since her death, but I know it changed the culture. More people prefer going to other towns and into the city to have fun so this is where they all meet. This is the only place I know I will find Amanda. I remember her clearly before the change. She tried too hard to be liked and in the end, Elizabeth made her a laughing stock. But no one else had the charisma and boldness that she has so she eventually took over the school. I do hate how popularity is important to people. But sure enough, Amanda is here. I expect her to be with her minions but I only find her with her friend, Paige. I sit next to them but they ignore me like I don¡¯t even exist. They continue their gossip as usual. I feel sorry for Amanda the most. She hopelessly clings on to all the attention she can get before it all goes away in a few weeks. I wonder how truly empty she is inside. ¡°Can I help you, freak?¡± Amanda finally acknowledges me after not saying anything for five minutes. She likes to make fun of me but she forgets that we were once close friends. I know a lot about her that can expose her. I think Amanda doesn¡¯t understand this or maybe she does and just doesn¡¯t care. ¡°Do you want to die? What gives you the right to sit with us?¡± ¡°You used to be nice to me, what happened?¡± Amanda scoffs, ¡°It¡¯s not rocket science.¡± She only likes to pick on me because I stop being friends with her after how disgusting I found their culture to be. ¡°I¡¯m back to normal, I¡¯m not a freak anymore.¡± Amanda takes a moment to examine my clothing. I have to admit, it¡¯s a bit old because I¡¯m wearing what I wore two years ago but at least I¡¯m trying. ¡°Well, you still hang out with the freaks. What do you want, Jana?¡± In reality, I only came here for one thing. Now that I¡¯m here I¡¯m not even sure why I¡¯m here. ¡°I wanted to say that I¡¯m sorry,¡± Amanda and Paige look at each other. I have nothing to apologize for. ¡°I¡¯m sorry that I couldn¡¯t be your friend.¡± That¡¯s all I came to say so I take my leave. I had this entire speech ready to tell her. Yet when it came down to it, I just couldn¡¯t say it. Amanda comes out running as I walk back into town. ¡°Is that really all you have to say? You can still come back!¡± I turn to her and shake my head. I didn¡¯t stay friends with her for a reason so I have no reason to be one now. ¡°Maybe in another life.¡± I leave her as I think that I have to do the same with Sara. This time it¡¯s different, so much different. I¡¯m really being forced to leave her. My dad is home when I come inside my house. We ignore each other as I head up to my room. My mom tries to stop me but I ignore her too. It¡¯s been about four hours since I left home and Sara has finally replied. It¡¯s the only thing that can really make me smile. Alex comes into my room without knocking. Now that I¡¯m out of my shell he¡¯s been doing this a lot. He likes me more now that I¡¯m more talkative. ¡°Dad is still super pissed.¡± ¡°Let him,¡± I text back to Sara apologizing for taking so long. Alex closes the door behind him and sits on my desk chair. ¡°I have never seen him that pissed. It¡¯s pretty cool that you managed to piss him off that much.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t think it¡¯s a good thing. You heard him.¡± ¡°Right, sorry. Are you gonna run away after your birthday? You know Dad will let you be homeless just for turning your back on the church.¡± ¡°Didn¡¯t you?¡± ¡°I play a facade. I¡¯m fine pretending.¡± ¡°If I leave that¡¯ll force you to take my place. It¡¯ll be your life, are you fine pretending then? Alex laughs, ¡°That¡¯s why I want you to stay. But if you don¡¯t then I¡¯ll have to join you.¡± He turns on my PC and then the monitor. I haven¡¯t used the thing in months. ¡°We¡¯re bad kids, Lol.¡± I can¡¯t believe my brother actually said Lol as a word. That¡¯s how the younger kids are I guess. Even my own brother is against my own sexuality even though he doesn¡¯t have faith in the church. ¡°Well, what¡¯s your opinion, what should I do?¡± ¡°I already told you. Sara isn¡¯t a good person, you shouldn''t be with someone like that in the first place.¡± My own brother still believes the old rumors about Sara even though she¡¯s not that person anymore. ¡°But you say you¡¯re in love with her but you haven¡¯t really told anyone. I¡¯m the only one that knows that isn¡¯t part of your friend group.¡± ¡°You¡¯re not gonna tell anyone are you?¡± ¡°Only if you decide to leave after your birthday,¡± He laughs. Now that the computer is booted up he goes gets online. ¡°What are you doing?¡± I get close to the edge of my bed to see what he¡¯s googling. It¡¯s a bible verse that he should have memorized. At least he knows what passages he should look for. Corinthians, Hebrews, Romans, and Leviticus. In short, he¡¯s just telling me that homosexuality is wrong, something I already knew. ¡°In Hebrew here it says to pursue peace with all people. The fact that our dad isn¡¯t doing this is really contradictory.¡± ¡°You know the church only follows what it wants to believe and ignores all the rest.¡± Alex laughs, ¡°Which is why I decide to leave. You should look into Buddhism, I heard they¡¯re much more accepting.¡± ¡°Alex, you¡¯re not helping. Get out of my room,¡± I throw a pillow at him but he just catches it. ¡°Your not even on my side, what¡¯s the point of you being here.¡± Alex gets up and throws the pillow back at me. ¡°I just want you to make the right choice. Lie to them as I do and just run away after you graduate from college. At least that way you can support yourself and not be homeless. Just a thought, you didn¡¯t even have to tell them today anyways.¡± I did because they wouldn¡¯t give me money for a dress otherwise. He wasn¡¯t there for that part. I¡¯ve been meaning to tell them for a while now because I can¡¯t keep things hidden from them. They wouldn¡¯t give me money unless I told them who was my date. Alex leaves and I¡¯m left alone for a short minute before my mother comes in. ¡°Just because of what happened today doesn¡¯t mean we shouldn¡¯t deny you the dance everyone waits for in high school.¡± She pulls a couple of bills out of her purse and hands them over to me. It¡¯s a total of 400 dollars. ¡°Buy yourself something nice and don¡¯t tell your father. Sleep tight, Fey.¡± Mom isn¡¯t as bad as I thought she would be but I know she still wants me to be who she wanted me to be. I¡¯m reminded how much I would lose just because I want to keep Sara in my life. That¡¯s not even the issue. My dad thinks I¡®m choosing to like Sara. I didn¡¯t even want her to be my friend in the first place. I never even wanted to have feelings for anyone. Nothing was ever planned, why can¡¯t he understand that? At least my mom is trying to. Sara texts me back. She had a pretty bad day where she felt like shit and wished that I wasn¡¯t busy so I could have come over. Sara has had more bad days than good ones lately. It¡¯s one of those things that come with depression but she says her goal is to conquer it once and for all. It¡¯s funny, Sara became my friend because my depression was just like hers. All it took was her presence to show me the light in my world but Sara is more complicated. I often find myself feeling sorry for her because of all she¡¯s endured. There are things she hasn¡¯t told me either but I know I shouldn¡¯t ask until she¡¯s ready to tell me. She told me about her mother¡¯s suicide and even her father¡¯s imprisonment. Then there¡¯s what happened to her when she ran away for a month and a half. She refuses to even bring that up. There¡¯s still so much I want to know about her but now I¡¯ll have to cut it short. This is an ultimatum where I don¡¯t have a choice. If I¡¯m being reasonable, I have to leave her. If I leave this family, I lose my college fund to study whatever I want. I lose the family inheritance that would allow me never to work a day in my life. In return all my parents ask for is for me to stay in the church and lead it so it could continue to grow just like my mother before me. I can lead a very comfortable life I just listen to my parents. But I found peace and comfort in sharing my existence with Sara. I have the satisfaction of knowing I have Sara listening. I thought I found something special and I thought it could last. Yet the church has to come back and tear me apart. I¡¯m trapped in my head because of it and I¡¯m pushed back into this darkness. I don¡¯t want to be here anymore. I just want to be free. This isn¡¯t something I can just run away from. Dad says I have a choice but I really don¡¯t. I¡¯m going to lose Sara. I won¡¯t be able to hear the sound of her voice. I won¡¯t hear her laughter or feel her skin. I won¡¯t be able to make smile. I won¡¯t be able to tell her I love her. I won¡¯t be able to kiss her lips. I won¡¯t be able to be myself. I won¡¯t be okay. I won¡¯t have a life to live. I don¡¯t need to be okay. I don¡¯t need to be afraid. Sara XV Prom. Everyone thinks we¡¯re going together as friends. This becomes less apparent by the way we dance together on the slow ones. We hold each other tight like it¡¯s a goodbye. Fey is too beautiful tonight, it gives me a reason not to let go. Fey lets go when it¡¯s another pop song. She refuses to dance to these but it¡¯s for good reason, I wouldn¡¯t want to either. We go outside together and Andrew is outside with Bo having a conversation and a cigarette. They¡¯re barely ten meters away from the teacher but it looks like they don¡¯t care. I ask for one even though I know I won¡¯t light it up. ¡°How¡¯s your night going you two?¡± Bo asks handing me the cigarette. ¡°Just fine, yours?¡± I answer. ¡°Taking photos is a pain tonight. I really don¡¯t want to take photos of the king and queen.¡± I don¡¯t have to ask who they¡¯re gonna be. It¡¯s been obvious since the start of the school year. ¡°It¡¯s in ten minutes, so I can''t talk long. You guys going to Amanda¡¯s after-party?¡± ¡°Ye,¡± Andrew answers. ¡°I don¡¯t know ¡®bout these two.¡± ¡°It depends on how we¡¯re feeling at the end of the night,¡± Fey answers. ¡°Where¡¯s Grace?¡± Probably with her friends like always. ¡°Inside,¡± Andrew takes a drag. He makes sure he exhales where the smoke doesn''t get near us. ¡°People are talking about you two.¡± ¡°Yeah, they didn¡¯t expect you to be a couple. Who knew the church girl and the goth would end up together,¡± Bo chuckles. ¡°It¡¯s truly out of a soap opera.¡± ¡°Shut up man, dont make fun of my sister.¡± ¡°I wasn¡¯t?¡± I burst into short laughter. It¡¯s scenes like these that make me appreciate where I am right now. I couldn¡¯t ask for more. Everything is alright for once. We all go inside to watch Amanda be crowned queen. Part of me wishes she could humble herself and revoke her right as a queen like the ending of Mean Girls. Of course, that doesn¡¯t happen and she brags like the self-absorbed person she is. Amanda however mentions that she is sad that she couldn¡¯t be friends with the people she used to be with. I wonder if she was talking about Fey. Andrew and Grace go to the after-party while Fey and I decide to head back home. I sort of wanted to go but Fey insisted she wanted the night to be spent with us only. She¡¯s been odd lately as in very clingy. Not that it¡¯s a bad thing, I love spending all of my time with her but she sometimes acts oddly about it. ¡°Can we go to Darkwood Hill instead,¡± Fey asks when I get close to it on our drive home. This is what I find weird, she can¡¯t seem to make up her mind sometimes. I half expected someone else to be up here seeing it''s Prom Night but I guess everyone is going over to Amanda¡¯s party. ¡°Why did you want to come up here?¡± I ask her. ¡°Because there¡¯s something I want to ask,¡± she smiles. ¡°And what¡¯s that?¡± For a moment Fey reverts back to her shy self as she can¡¯t get her words out. She holds my hand and says, ¡°I want to feel everything about you. I want you, Sara. I chose here because this is where you woke me up. Can you do that to me?¡± Fey is absolutely adorable. She really had this whole night planned out in her head. I kiss her lips, they¡¯re strawberries tonight to match her red rose color dress. I lay her down on the grass where Freyja sucks me into her. This is the second time we¡¯ve done this down and it¡¯s still not better but at least it¡¯s less awkward. Fey sits up and takes a deep breath. ¡°I really love you, you know?¡± It¡¯s still hard for those words to come out of my mouth. ¡°I love you too, Fey.¡± I get up to sit next to her but I only catch her frowning and wiping away what I can only guess are tears. ¡°Is something wrong?¡± ¡°No,¡± She shakes her head. ¡°I¡¯m just really happy.¡± I can¡¯t help to feel like that¡¯s a lie. Whatever is wrong, I¡¯m sure she will tell me in time. ¡°Can I stay with you tonight? I don¡¯t want to go home.¡± ¡°Okay,¡± I give her a warm smile in hopes to let her know everything will be okay. Fey doesn¡¯t say anything on the drive home, again which I find odd. She¡¯s usually like this but this time I feel like it¡¯s different. Mom hasn¡¯t gone to sleep on the account that she¡¯s been waiting for us to come back home. ¡°Where¡¯s Andrew and Gracie? Are they at that stupid after-party?¡± ¡°Yeah,¡± I nod. ¡°Grace really wanted to go so Andrew is watching over her. He¡¯ll get a ride home with an Uber.¡± ¡°I would have preferred it if you watched over the both of them,¡± Virginia chuckles and turns her attention to Fey. She¡¯s not angry. She trusts Andrew. ¡°Freyja, it¡¯s nice to see you again. I¡¯m assuming you¡¯re staying the night?¡± ¡°Yes, if I could, Mrs. Ciotta.¡± ¡°I was never married so it¡¯s not my surname. Call me Virginia,¡± she chuckles again. Mom had some wine later, she must have been worried about us. ¡°You know, Freyja, if you were a boy I would have kicked you out by now.¡± ¡°Mom, that¡¯s sexist. Just because she¡¯s a girl doesn¡¯t make it okay,¡± I joke. Virginia laughs harder than she thought she would. ¡°I¡¯m only allowing it because I trust you, Sara. Freyja, play nice with my daughter. I¡¯m going to go for a walk, I had too much to drink.¡± My adoptive mother likes to play dirty. Freyja nearly laughs as Virginia leaves. She wants us to have sex and I think that¡¯s pretty funny. Either way, we already did so I doubt we will again. Fey takes off her dress and slips under the covers without a word. I do my nightly routine and then take off my makeup before taking off my dress. ¡°You¡¯re pretty,¡± Fey smiles. ¡°I¡¯m not the only one.¡± Fey giggles and gets under the covers. ¡°You want to get in?¡± Freyja wraps her legs around me when I join her. We stare at each other with no words but they aren¡¯t needed. Her pupils are dilated like she¡¯s on ecstasy. If Fey ever lies and tells me she never liked me, this is proof that she does. I wonder if mine is the same. Fey pecks me on the lips forcing me to respond with one of my own. Retaliates with a few seconds of a kiss and a bite on my lower lip. ¡°You¡¯re so wonderful,¡± I tell her. ¡°You¡¯re the best part of my life.¡± ¡°And you¡¯re the same in mine.¡± Her words somehow feel fake. It¡¯s not what she said, that was real but it¡¯s as if there is something she isn¡¯t telling me. It¡¯s better to say that her words feel like they¡¯re in pain than they are fake. ¡°Are you seriously okay? You have been acting strange for a few days now.¡± ¡°I¡¯ll tell you in the morning, okay? This sentence was clearly painful. ¡°I just want you to trust me.¡± ¡°I will always trust you.¡± ¡°Thank you,¡± Fey smiles and kisses me. ¡°Grass is really uncomfortable compared to bed, isn¡¯t it?¡± She giggles. ¡°If you¡¯re up for it, I want to try new things here.¡± ¡°I didn¡¯t know you were that suppressed,¡± I laugh and Freyja joins in. ¡°I¡¯m really glad that you¡¯re getting more comfortable. You¡¯ve really grown so much these past few months. I¡¯m really proud of you.¡± Fey takes hold of my hand and moves much closer and gets her arm under my neck to hold me. Our foreheads are practically touching as we look down at our bodies. ¡°Can I confess something?¡± ¡°What is it?¡±This story has been unlawfully obtained without the author''s consent. Report any appearances on Amazon. ¡°I think you saved my life. I was never suicidal but if you let me continue the path I was walking, I don¡¯t think I would have recovered.¡± She makes me smile with her words. Fey may have not saved my life but she¡¯s a big reason why I wake up in the morning now. I think I trust Fey with my life now. There are a lot of things I haven¡¯t told her. ¡°Did you know that I can¡¯t trust another straight guy. The only one I trust is my brother. I can¡¯t talk to one without imagining that they¡¯re gonna rape me. I know that it¡¯s silly to think that.¡± ¡°Only a little bit.¡± ¡°I can¡¯t even have anything resembling a penis inside me without me feeling disgusted,¡± I pause. I think I¡¯m ready to tell her. ¡°I ran away from home because my dad was raping me.¡± I feel Fey shake. I want to know what she feels but I can¡¯t tell. It¡¯s a little bit of everything. ¡°I tried to kill myself then. I was rescued however but by the only person worse than my father. I was kept in this dark room for weeks and I was barely fed. It eventually got to the point where I was catatonic. Lyle, he-he did it so he could break me down just so he can brainwash me into believing that I was special to him. But I was saved by this person who I¡¯m not even sure exists. Maybe I found the strength to do it on my own but I still want to thank her. I¡¯ve had so many people that have helped me that I¡¯m just grateful that I¡¯m still here.¡± I lift my head up a bit and look at Fey. She¡¯s crying for me. ¡°I¡¯m sorry,¡± She wants to say more but can¡¯t. I kiss her forehead and move her head toward my chest. ¡°I don¡¯t know what to say.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry for telling you, but I trust you with this and I wanted to let you know who I am.¡± ¡°Thank you,¡± Those words were more painful than the last. ¡°I love you, Sara. This isn¡¯t fair.¡± Even in context that doesn¡¯t make sense, especially the pain that I feel she¡¯s having. I can only guess, but I think I get it. Fey is conflicted again on whether she truly wants to be with me. I know she does but her religion doesn¡¯t let her and it¡¯s bothering her again. This time I¡¯ll just wait until she tells me in case if I¡¯m wrong. I wouldn¡¯t want to have a stupid misunderstanding. ¡°It¡¯s okay, Fey.¡± Freyja Elledge moves to get on top. May 18th, 2014 She asks me to take her to Darkwood Hill before taking her home. Again I can¡¯t guess the occasion. Freyja walks much faster up the hill and waits for me with her back toward me. She stares towards the forest. ¡°I¡¯m sorry,¡± she says so weakly that I can barely hear her. ¡°For what?¡± I shrug. Fey turns around and there are already a few tears coming down from her. I take a step back because I¡¯m just so confused. ¡°I¡¯m so fucking sorry!¡± Fey breaks down and I rush to her to hold her. ¡°Fey...you did nothing wrong.¡± She manages to calm down a bit and break my hold. ¡°I told my parents about us,¡± she sobs. ¡°I can¡¯t be with you anymore. I¡¯m sorry.¡± Freyja breaks down again. This time I can¡¯t hold her, I¡¯m stunned. I¡¯m shocked so I don¡¯t know how to feel. ¡°Bullshit. You don¡¯t have to listen to your parents.¡± Fey nods frantically. ¡°I do, I do, I do!¡± she sobs. ¡°They¡¯re gonna take everything I have if I don¡¯t. They¡¯re gonna kick me out on my birthday!¡± This is why she¡¯s been acting so odd. This is why she wanted me all to herself last night. I can¡¯t process this right now. I just look around with my eyes trying to figure it out. ¡°You¡¯re not serious¡­¡± ¡°I¡¯m so fucking sorry! I love you so fucking much! I don¡¯t have a choice and I don¡¯t want to do this but-¡± ¡°Stop! I don¡¯t want to hear it.¡± ¡°I have to break up with you.¡± ¡°STOP!¡± The shock is gone. I can cry now. ¡°You don¡¯t have to do this¡­¡± Fey shakes her head. ¡°I don¡¯t want to! I have to¡­¡± ¡°Why?!! Why is religion so important in your family that it doesn¡¯t let us be together?! As I stand, my world is falling apart. I know her parents wouldn¡¯t approve but to go so far as to kick her out? Being gay is not a sin! It¡¯s fucking 2014 why the fuck is this an issue?! FUCK! ¡°It just is,¡± Fey calms down again only to make room for tears. ¡°I tried to reason with them but they¡¯re too closed-minded. I spent the past two weeks trying to decide what I wanted. I¡¯m so sorry, Sara. I can¡¯t give up the life my parents worked so hard for me to have.¡± ¡°Can¡¯t we be friends instead?¡± ¡°No...It¡¯s not you, they don¡¯t approve of. It¡¯s me.¡± I don¡¯t feel my heart beating. Is this how it feels to be dead, where I can¡¯t feel anything? ¡°So what am I? I was just a toy for you to play around with until you got in trouble?!¡± ¡°Of course not! I love you, I will always love you.¡± Fuck God if he¡¯s taking away Fey from me. What kind of deity disapproves of something she doesn¡¯t have control of? ¡°Fuck you, Fey. You shouldn¡¯t have let me fall for you if you were just going to do this.¡± ¡°I didn¡¯t want to fall in love with you either! But I did and now I¡¯m breaking both of our hearts. You don¡¯t think this hurts me too?!¡± Freyja¡¯s tears have stopped but mine haven¡¯t. Is this how a broken heart feels like? I always thought the whole feeling like my heart being ripped in two was always fake. It¡¯s real and it¡¯s worse. It¡¯s not being ripped in half, it¡¯s repeatedly getting cut in the middle until it separates. I¡¯m such a piece of shit. I don¡¯t deserve to be alive. ¡°Fey, please don¡¯t do this. We can make it work, you can live with me, we could-¡± ¡°Sara stop! This isn¡¯t something I can run away from. I¡¯m sorry but please don¡¯t talk to me after this. It¡¯ll be better for us.¡± She says this isn¡¯t something she can run away from but she¡¯s running away from me. ¡°Fey!¡± I yell at her but she doesn¡¯t turn back. I run after her down the hill. ¡°Fey!¡± I yell again and my ankle can¡¯t hold. Compared to the pain in my heart the pain from this fall is almost unnoticeable. I sit up and notice I¡¯ve fallen faster than Fey has walked. She ignores me and keeps walking down. ¡°Fey..¡± I wasn¡¯t prepared for this. I wasn¡¯t ready for this. May 21st, 2014 I¡¯ve graduated. It means nothing. I want to die. The leftover antidepressant pills don¡¯t do shit. Grace tries to cheer me up every day but it never works. Virginia wants to send me back to Dr. Fonseca but I refuse every time she asks. I just want to talk to Fey one more time. She ignored me every time I tried. At lunch for the final few days, she sat with Amanda and her friends. She truly couldn¡¯t be with me. Fey is beautiful as ever as her name is called up for her diploma. I didn¡¯t even want to come here but Virginia forced me. Fey stands next to everyone else when the principal will announce that this group of kids are the class of 2014. Andrew is called up and I follow right next to him. As we stand with everyone else I keep glancing over to Fey who doesn¡¯t even glance back. I hope she¡¯s in as much pain as I am. Once everyone is called up, the valedictorian is called up to make a closing speech. Andrew was supposed to be up there but passed it up. He didn¡¯t want to be the center of attention. And so, I¡¯m not in high school anymore. Andrew has been packing things into his backpack all afternoon. He¡¯s running away too. I don¡¯t want him too, but I can¡¯t stop him. He¡¯s going to tell Virginia. I¡¯m too numb to care. Andrew gathers the four of us into the living room. The first thing he says is ¡°I¡¯m sorry for taking advantage of the home you have given me, Virginia.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t have to apologize. Is this what you wanted to talk about? Andrew shakes his head. He apologizes to Grace next for what he¡¯s about to say. Andrew starts to Virginia what he did to Grace two years ago. This time it¡¯s the full story. Andrew invited Grace to an underground rave because he thought it was funny to corrupt her and make her lose her innocence and naivety. He gave her ecstasy only to leave her alone unsupervised for hours while he partied and fucked some girl. Grace caught the two in the rain and asked to go home. When they were in the car ready to go, Andrew took advantage of her. Grace told us she wanted it at this point and was angry at Andrew that he didn¡¯t. Andrew doesn¡¯t tell Virginia this. Andrew only go the point where his hand touched her thigh. That¡¯s when he stopped and Andrew apologizes again. Watching Virginia face go from curiosity to nervousness to horror was fascinating to watch. Finally, she gets pissed. I¡¯ve never seen her pissed off even when Andrew would do some dumbass shit. Virginia yells, ¡°Is this true, Grace?!!¡± Grace nods with shame. She¡¯s scared. ¡°Andrew get the fuck out of my house until I have time to think through all this!! Grace! Upstairs to my room now!¡± Gracie doesn''t even blink as she rushes up stairs. ¡°Sara, make sure your brother leaves. He¡¯s not welcomed back until I say so!¡± Virginia leaves to talk to Grace. Andrew looks apathetic. He was expecting this. He grabs the backpack he packed and heads over to the door. ¡°Take care of yourself, Sis. I¡¯m never coming back.¡± ¡°Andy, wait!¡± I stop him as he opens the door. ¡°You¡¯re never coming back?¡± ¡°Yeah, this town has nothing for me anymore and you heard the lady, I¡¯m kicked out.¡± ¡°Where are you going?¡± ¡°New York. I¡¯m being selfish but I don¡¯t think you¡¯ll ever see me again, at least for a little while. You proved to me that you can take care of yourself now. I¡¯m sorry things didn¡¯t work out with Freyja, but I know you¡¯ll live through it.¡± ¡°No wait!¡± I run up. There¡¯s no way I¡¯m losing my brother, my best friend too. ¡°What about Lyle? What if he comes back, who¡¯s gonna protect me then? What if I can¡¯t live without you?¡± Andrew chuckles, ¡°You never have to worry about Lyle again. He got arrested, remember? And you¡¯re strong enough to live without me, this is why I¡¯m leaving. You don¡¯t need me anymore. Nobody does. You asked me why I¡¯m such an alcoholic. It¡¯s because there¡¯s a difference between being lonely and being alone. Sara, you¡¯re never going to be alone in your life. I¡¯m not worth shit; all I do is cause trouble. I¡¯m a fuck up. You don¡¯t need me, nobody needs me. That¡¯s why I¡¯m leaving.¡± Andrew takes his first steps outside. He¡¯s actually leaving me. He says I¡¯ll never be alone but why do I feel so alone, like I¡¯m always on my own? I can¡¯t deal with this. I¡¯ve been losing so much when I had everything I could ever need. Do I really deserve to never be happy? Am I destined to never conquer this depression? I¡¯m so sick of this shit. I don¡¯t want to feel like this again. I want to die. I take out the cigarette I¡¯ve been holding for so long and light it and take a drag. Sara XVI The summer of 2014 Hi, It¡¯s been a while. I wrote this letter to you. I gave you all I knew and I kept you in my mind. I miss you every day, nothing is ever the same. Honestly, I haven¡¯t felt anything like it. Now that you¡¯re gone nothing has been the same. I feel empty. I¡¯m tired. I¡¯ve been meaning to talk to you for a while now. I just wanted to tell you that I can¡¯t do it anymore. I can¡¯t live anymore. I¡¯m done fighting. I can¡¯t. I¡¯m done. I can¡¯t put up with this. I just got home from the hospital, a mental hospital. I¡¯m seeing Dr. Fonseca again. She has me on a bunch of prescriptions, more than usual. And it¡¯s not your fault, not entirely. Andrew also left. He left saying we probably won¡¯t see each other again. I haven¡¯t seen him or talked to him since. These two together have really fucked up my mind. I miss you. I miss him. Why do people stay longer in my head than they do in my life? You know how I feel. You understand me the most and you still left knowing what will happen to me if you did. It¡¯s like it¡¯s fine. Whenever you were sad I would always ask and I worry. But when I¡¯m sad, you don¡¯t. You don¡¯t worry. Nothing¡¯s wrong. I¡¯m sorry things have to end up this way. I¡¯ve lost myself. I¡¯m becoming someone who I don¡¯t recognize. Do you know how dead inside I am? I think I know what you meant when you said you were a morning glory; more like mourning glory. My blue flower. I think I just need to be by myself. I¡¯m just so fucking empty, so fucking tired. I¡¯m staring at myself in the mirror again, disgusted. The fresh vertical scars on my wrists are comforting. I¡¯m intoxicated. I¡¯m also fucked up. I¡¯m too fucked up and you chose right. I don¡¯t deserve you. I¡¯m not right for you, so I get it. If I¡¯m not hurting myself, I¡¯m hurting someone around it. It¡¯s either Grace, Andrew, or Virginia or it was you. How does a person survive this? How does a person survive the life I lived, the torture I¡¯ve endured? I remember it so clearly. It¡¯s like the first time I saw a horror film and it scared me to death. Chucky, that¡¯s what it was. I remember all the emotions, the scent, and the sounds of that day. It¡¯s how I¡¯m able to remember this so vividly, it plays just like a movie. My father. When I was little I remember him being so kind, so loving, and supportive. He was patient with my mother, he let her sort her issues out and never got mad at her. He truly loved her. I remember the days we would play pretend that we were monsters rampaging a city made out of legos. He taught me to be gentle, to be kind, and love others. When Mom died, he wasn¡¯t Dad anymore. I don¡¯t know who he was, but I lost my father when my mom died. My father slowly had evolved into an alcoholic with no job and without a will to carry on. He left us to fend for ourselves when we were 12. It was another other night. Andrew was gone, trying to find something to appease his hunger for danger. I was in my room watching The Simpsons. It was the episode where Homer becomes Mr. Plow. I used to love this episode; but not anymore. I was 14.If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it. He called me over to his room and I ignorantly followed. He bitched about how Mom¡¯s brother, my uncle was suing him over the rights to the inheritance Mom left us. I said, that it sucked. He didn¡¯t like that. My father raised his fist for the first time. He punched me right in the jaw and it stung enough where my whole face became numb. As I fell over, I saw the anger in his eyes. He was too drunk. I was his outlet. He said, ¡°You look just like your mother,¡± when he got on top of me. I struggled, and struggled, and struggled but I wasn¡¯t strong enough. I knew what was happening and I couldn¡¯t stop it. I wasn¡¯t strong enough. I became numb. I couldn¡¯t feel anything except dead, like a puppet, a corpse, a mannequin. I¡¯ve never stared at the door so painfully hoping, just hoping that Andrew would come in and stop this. I was robbed, I was killed. This was not a one-time occurrence. I remember it all, but this was the first. This was what I would dream about in the hospital. Now I¡¯m back in the real world, ready to go to community college in Seattle. At least this is what everyone thinks; Virginia, Grace, and Fonseca. I¡¯m not even sure if I¡¯m ready. I haven¡¯t really been in the right state of mind as of late. You can tell because I just shared something to you that maybe I shouldn¡¯t have. I mean, you know. I told you, but I never told you, told you. Now, what if I did tell you and it was too much information? Anyways, how are you? Do you remember when I found Grace¡¯s bag of coke? Remember when I told you how Andrew and I talked to her? Remember when she said she would stay away from it? Well, I found another bag. This time I did more. This time I didn¡¯t stop. I don¡¯t think Grace noticed. I don¡¯t think I care anymore. If Virginia kicked Andrew out for something that Grace has forgiven him, I wonder what she would do the same for me. I¡¯ve been with her longer than him, she sees me as a daughter. I see her as a mother and I¡¯m constantly breaking her trust now. Andrew said that I don¡¯t need him anymore. He was wrong. I don¡¯t have anything to hold on to now. I can¡¯t be strong anymore. I guess I had that with you as well but you¡¯re not here anymore either. I tried to save you when you didn¡¯t need it but you returned the favor by breaking me. I don¡¯t hate you. Maybe I do. Maybe I¡¯m writing all this so I can make you feel bad that my life is this miserable right now. Or maybe I just miss you so much that I need to write this to make myself feel better. I want to tell you so many fucking things. I want to be able to call you and hear your voice. I like to walk past your church a lot hoping that I would find you out there. You¡¯re never there. I always hope but it¡¯s never there. You¡¯re never there. Hope isn¡¯t there. That¡¯s why I¡¯m so fucked up right now. I¡¯m on all so many pills along with the coke. It¡¯s so hard and easy to fall asleep. I don¡¯t get it. I lie in bed completely tired and drowsy but I¡¯m never able to sleep until hours pass by. Aren¡¯t you happy for me? Is this what you wanted? Anyways, I still haven¡¯t found Andrew. The only thing we have gotten from him is a letter saying he¡¯s fine and shouldn¡¯t worry. Virginia worries but she says she trusts his judgment, that she misses him, and regrets what she did. We all miss him but Virginia trusts that he did this of his own will. I¡¯ve searched all over. He said he was going to New York, where Emily lives. I tried to get in contact with her again, but she¡¯s off the internet. Who knows when I¡¯ll ever see my brother again? What¡¯s the point of anything? As I¡¯m writing this I realize there¡¯s no structure. I don¡¯t have structure. Fuck. I hate you. I miss you. Where are you? I¡¯m here. I want to talk about my mom some more but I can¡¯t write it down. It has to be in person. I have to tell somebody. I love you, come back, Freyja. - I crumple up this piece of paper and throw it on the ground. I don¡¯t need it. I¡¯m not even sure why I wrote it. I have to move on no matter how hard it gets. This is why I¡¯m able to walk toward the building. Today I start college and there¡¯s no looking back. Even when I feel a presence behind me, I still move forward. Always forward. I begin anew. Sara XVII September 22nd, 2014 I walk into my last class of the day. It¡¯s general psychology so I can have a better understanding of why I am the way I am. I sit in the back like I always do. I go unnoticed and nobody ever talks to me like the way I like it. I figured if I dressed up in a sweatshirt and yoga pants nobody would bother me. So far I¡¯ve been right. Nobody knows me. Nobody pays attention to someone from Darkwood, Washington. Maybe it was Elizabeth who was known throughout the state, but not me, not a nobody. That is, I¡¯m supposed to be a nobody. Cody ruins that. Cody Martin walks into this class. This is the Cody that took my best friend away from me. I haven¡¯t talked to him since Emily left. Now he¡¯s here and sits next to me because I¡¯m the only one he knows. ¡°Hey,¡± he says so nonchalantly. I ignore him. Yet in my mind, I can¡¯t help but feel so awkward inside. It¡¯s a weird twist of fate that Cody happens to be in this class above all else. He¡¯s a year above me, why is he even in this intro class? I try my hardest to ignore him but in my head, I cannot. He omits this strong aura of pressure that seems to suffocate me. He sits next to me just like every other day. Cody seems different since I last saw him. His hair is different, no longer is it a shaggy skater kid look instead it¡¯s slicked back with his sides short. It¡¯s an undercut that serves him well although I don¡¯t think he could ever have a bad hair day. But that¡¯s not what¡¯s different about him. It¡¯s this aura he gives off, it''s different from what I remember. Back then it wasn¡¯t ominous. I¡¯m not sure if it is now, but my gut tells me it isn¡¯t friendly. ¡°Aren¡¯t you going to say hi?¡± he says in the middle of class. Again I ignore him or at least try to play the act. The feeling comes back, the same thing that happens when I was around Freyja. Cody seems lonely. Why him? Why can I feel him? ¡°Why¡¯d you change your hair back to black?¡± I can¡¯t do this anymore. ¡°I thought it looked better this way.¡± Cody bites the left side of his lips, ¡°I liked it better brown.¡± Mind games. He¡¯s playing mind games like he always does and I know this because I notice I¡¯m touching my hair unconsciously. Of course, he notices, I¡¯m trapped. ¡°I don¡¯t care what you think.¡± ¡°Of course, you wouldn''t,¡± he chuckles and turns to the professor who hasn¡¯t even noticed us talking. Even that was expected. He¡¯s been calculating this since the second he saw me. That¡¯s just who Cody is. No, I¡¯m just overthinking things again. Cody isn¡¯t a bad person. I¡¯m just playing myself. When class ends I find myself leaving the building much faster than I should of. I don¡¯t even dare to look at Cody but somehow he manages to beat me. He¡¯s already waiting right outside as if can teleport. ¡°How did you-¡± ¡°Why are you ignoring me?¡± ¡°You know why,¡± I try to walk past him but I feel his stare piercing my back so I stop and take a look. I was right. It¡¯s a lot less creepy than I thought it would be. It¡¯s sad even. ¡°What do you want, Cody?¡± Am I playing his game right now? ¡°I just wanted to say I¡¯m sorry,¡± He walks forward a bit but keeps his distance from me. ¡°I never got to say that. Everything just kind of ended.¡± He¡¯s right. They did. ¡°Yeah, okay. I get it. It doesn¡¯t matter anymore. You don¡¯t need to apologize anymore.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t think? After I got Emily shot? I never got to say sorry to her.¡± ¡°Little late for that,¡± I chuckle. ¡°I haven¡¯t talked to her since either.¡± ¡°I see.¡± ¡°I guess I¡¯ll see you in class tomorrow, Cody,¡± I turn around ready to leave. ¡°Wait!¡± He shouts. I force myself to look at him again. I¡¯m not sure I want to anymore. ¡°I¡¯m having a show tonight, at Storyville. You should come.¡± ¡°What if I¡¯m busy.¡± ¡°Grace is coming, she often does.¡± Is that what she does when she goes out on random fridays? ¡°What do you want Cody? You¡¯ve been gone for a year and now you¡¯re inviting me to places like we¡¯re friends?¡± Is it right to be a bitch to him? No, it doesn¡¯t matter. Cody matters just as little as everything in this world. He takes a step forward unflinching from my cold words. ¡°Try to make it. It¡¯s important.¡± Cody walks off like he¡¯s in the lead. He always acts like he¡¯s the main character. I always liked that confidence about him. The thing is; Cody never said the time the show was starting. I wonder if it was a lapse of judgment or if he just playing his games. I¡¯m forced to text Grace about the details. She¡¯s been seeing him play live for six months now. I just never cared to notice because I was too busy either with Freyja or being depressed by myself. Great, just another thing I neglect. The point is that I¡¯m here. The sun is setting and I¡¯m waiting outside for Grace¡¯s arrival. I don''t even know why I¡¯m here. All I wanted was to go straight home and lay in my room until I¡¯m forced out again. This is the longest I¡¯ve been outside in weeks. It¡¯s Cody. He¡¯s in my head with his little mind games. I¡¯m an hour early. Shit. I walk around Pike¡¯s Place a bit to people-watch. They¡¯re all so robotic and plastic. It¡¯s not real, like looking at all of this doesn¡¯t seem real. I stop walking and observe everything around me for a moment. Everyone is moving without wasting a second, They all have their own lives to live and it all seems so fake. Reality isn¡¯t here. I¡¯m losing it as even my own hands don¡¯t seem to really be there. I shake my head to get out of it and it only places my hair all over my face. I take out my phone and call Emily Crowe. I don¡¯t know why I still have her number saved. It¡¯s either a cross between comfort or hope that one day she¡¯ll pick up. She never does, and she never will. Emily changed her number last year. I call Andrew. Unlike Emily¡¯s, it doesn¡¯t send me the discontinued number message. It just rings and rings and then, ¡°I¡¯m not answering your stupid ass call because it¡¯s not important,¡± he says, and then *beep*. This is the real comfort; his voice is in my ear. It¡¯s what swallows me back into reality. I look up and the pretty lights of the city start to light up one by one. I¡¯m standing in the middle of a pathway of lights and I imagine that I¡¯m the main character in some romantic story and Freyja will pop out of the street corner with open arms. I look over and await it to happen but no one ever comes. This narrative has been purloined without the author''s approval. Report any appearances on Amazon. I just have to accept that she¡¯s gone. At a nearby convenience store, I stop by to get a light snack and a drink because I haven¡¯t eaten anything in a while. Outside people are leaving the public market as it¡¯s closing down for the night. People are stopping and watch some of the street performers and giving money. I wonder just how much they earn a day on average. It must be quite a bit if they can at least walk out with 200 for the day. As a group of people leaves, I spot who I think is Freyja among them. I feel my heart stop because I don¡¯t expect her to come to a place like this. I follow behind them at a safe distance to see if it really is Freyja. I just need her to turn around. They head over to a parked car where the girl opens the door and looks over at my direction before getting in. It¡¯s not her. I¡¯m relieved but disappointed. I at least want to know how she¡¯s doing. Lady Fate has been cruel to me. Where the hell am I supposed to be going? Why am I even here? I don¡¯t even care for Cody. It¡¯s that pull of curiosity that¡¯s driving me. I sit next to Grace as we await our coffee order. There are not a lot of people here but there¡¯s enough to make the shop feel cramped. Cody is on the sidelines talking to someone as there¡¯s a live piano performance by a little girl. She¡¯s much better than anyone could think. She¡¯s maybe not even ten years old yet and is playing like she¡¯s been doing this all her life. ¡°Just must have a really amazing teacher,¡± I say to Grace. ¡°Maybe she¡¯s really talented.¡± ¡°Maybe, but you need someone to bring it out of you.¡± ¡°Hmm. Well, whatever she¡¯s not why we came for. I can¡¯t believe Cody is in your class, how odd.¡± ¡°Yeah,¡± I chuckle awkwardly as the little girl finishes her piece. We all clap together and I guess a staff member introduces Cody and his band. Two other guys join Cody up on the stage. One takes the drums and the other comes with an electric guitar. I notice there¡¯s a DJ already there with a laptop out. It¡¯s a mix between live and digital, how neat. Cody introduces himself, ¡°Hey, my name is Cody Martin, I go by Petrichor and I¡¯ve been rapping all my life. Storyville has given me the grace to play here every Friday night but today is special. I¡¯m really really grateful to them and I hope you enjoy the show.¡± I notice Grace sit upright to pay better attention. ¡°He said he¡¯s debuting a new song tonight.¡± I wonder if that¡¯s what was important. ¡°This is called Some Words.¡± I saw a car crash, it reminded me of our first date And I felt that it was just right I stood back while I looked at The wrecked crash and I took that What I could take back like I was on top And they looked back and said it''s wrong But what''s wrong was our first date In the first place it shouldn''t have been such a mess Yet it was and you thought me for less Wore a white dress like a princess Nevertheless what a hell of a mess What a death stare at the shade of murderous It''s not a bit of nervousness but a face of hell Hell that seems warm compared to her ugly grin She wipes herself off says, What have you done? The taste of blood in her tongue It''s too late when she takes the blade through my thin skin Besides words You give me nothing You say you care, You say you''re there You give me silence So I think it''s late for me to wait I don''t have choice to walk away Besides words The graphite scratches of the past hurt Your last words, despite ashes of the last bird Homework of the vast world in my fingertips Paperclip notes and scribbles of music tones Research of the musical touch to bones Chilling spine pheromones got us connected miles apart Paper thoughts shared with lion hearts And it''s Acheron being this close heart to heart But we''re so far a part friendship and acquaintanceship It''s so poetic You''re so sympathetic, I''m so apathetic Opposites attract like a match made in heaven This adrenaline got me so high up on rebellion Now this scent got me threatened As I speak words that have no meaning are ones you''ll sit on Besides words You give me everything You say you care, You say you''re there You give me silence So I think it''s late for me to wait I don''t have a choice but to confess today Cody finishes his first song. My jaw is on the table because of what I just witnessed. This was the first time I heard Cody perform an actual rap song. He used to just freestyle so while impressive I never knew he had it in him. Cody soon starts his next song titled, ¡®Cold¡¯. Again he has this energy that I can¡¯t put into words. It¡¯s just like the concert that Emmah had. I can feel what he¡¯s saying like I can see it. ¡®Cold¡¯ is specifically how alone Cody feels even though the lyrics state otherwise. Again it¡¯s like I¡¯m traveling through time and I¡¯m seeing what Cody experienced. I wonder if Grace is feeling this too. There¡¯s everything in his songs. His pain from Elizabeth, Emily, his friends, his parents, and himself. Cody¡¯s words pierce my heart like a bullet and it becomes clear that he is genuine. Cody is honest with his music and that¡¯s the aura around him at all times. He isn¡¯t the same Cody I used to know. He¡¯s broken. He¡¯s nothing without Emily and it shows in his words. I want to be up there too. I want to give off the same energy he does. I want to tell everyone how I¡¯m feeling and have nobody say anything and just listen. Earlier I thought fate was cruel but maybe this is what it all leads too. I have to conquer this depression of mine and I think this is the way to do it. I thought it would just pass like every other time but I have to fight for it. This is what Fonseca wants me to do, what everyone wants me to do. This is what Cody is doing. Why am I running? Cody finishes and immediately leaves to the back somewhere while his band members pack up. ¡°Is that normal? He just left so fast,¡± I ask Gracie. She shakes her head, ¡°No, he usually comes up to talk.¡± ¡°I didn¡¯t know he was so good.¡± I know,¡± She laughs. It¡¯s things like these that remind me that Grace used to have this huge crush on Cody. Although it was short it was enough that I ended up hurting her, she made amends with just being friends.. I¡¯m sure Gracie doesn¡¯t like Cody like that anymore. ¡°He said today was special though, I wonder why.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t know?¡± ¡°No.¡± A waiter comes in with new drinks, ¡°Courtesy of a friend,¡± he says. At least Cody isn¡¯t ignoring us but I¡¯m wondering what he¡¯s doing. It takes another ten minutes for Cody to reappear, just as we¡¯re about to leave. Cody stops us at the door. ¡°You enjoy the show?¡± ¡°Of course, always,¡± Grace answers as we move out of the way to let other people leave. ¡°Yeah, it was great,¡± I manage to say through an odd lump in my throat. I manage to make it out okay even though I¡¯m sure my voice cracked. ¡°That¡¯s so good to here,¡± Cody smiles like it was all he really wanted. Something is bothering him, I can tell by the tone of his voice but I can¡¯t figure out what it is. It must be whatever in the ten minutes he disappeared. ¡°Thank you for coming, Sara. I knew you would.¡± Because you probably manipulated me into it. No. That wasn¡¯t the reason. Cody isn¡¯t like that, tonight proved that. Sara XVIII September 25th, 2014 Cody tells me to meet him just two minutes west of where his old tree house used to be. I guess the past couple of days of talking at school makes him think we¡¯re friends. I don¡¯t think so yet here I am. The old and broken tree house still is in pieces everywhere from the lightning strike a year back. Strangely the old polaroid photographs that used to be scattered around aren¡¯t here anymore. I figure out where west is and walk towards another small open where this massive tree is in the middle. There I see a large floor and a partial wall built along the branches of the tree. Cody is on top of working on it. He¡¯s actually trying to rebuild it. Cody notices me arrive over the sound of my feet crunching the dead leaves around me. ¡°Oh, you¡¯re here,¡± he says surprised. He didn¡¯t expect me to come. ¡°Yeah, what do you want that couldn¡¯t be said at school today?¡± I say as I watch Cody climb down the temporary steps he made. ¡°Oh, I just wanted to hang out,¡± ¡°I¡¯m gay, Cody. Just because Emily is out of the picture doesn¡¯t mean you can get with me.¡± Cody laughs as he jumps down from the last two steps. ¡°What? No. You just seem like you need a friend right now.¡± I almost laugh. ¡°Whatever, Cody. I¡¯m here, what do you want?¡± Cody¡¯s eyes widen like he¡¯s lost. He¡¯s serious. ¡°What¡¯s been going on? It¡¯s been a while since we caught up. I¡¯m just curious.¡± I hate small talk. I cross my arms and sigh, ¡°Same old same old. Why are you building another treehouse? This one¡¯s bigger,¡± I point to it with my arms still crossed. Cody looks at it then back at me, ¡°Why not? It¡¯s mine as much as it¡¯s Emily.¡± Is Cody still not over Emily? His performance a couple of days ago suggests so although he never directly referenced her from what I understood. It¡¯s heartbreaking to watch. He pushed her aside for so long that when he finally accepted her, she left. He was too late. ¡°Oh, I get it,¡± I giggle. ¡°Get what?¡± ¡°You¡¯re not over Emily.¡± Cody scoffs. Cody can be really smart and secretive but one thing he lacks is his ability to lie. ¡°Of course I am.¡± But building a new tree house directly contradicts this. Cody takes a sits in one of the nearby tree stumps I assume he cut to make room for his project. I move over to lean on the tree itself. ¡°Don¡¯t think so.¡± Cody tries his best to pass a chuckle. Yeah, it¡¯s clear Cody isn¡¯t the same. Last year he would be able to play it cool. Cody has for sure lost the confidence he always had. ¡°It¡¯s lost in the details,¡± he waves it off. ¡°Besides she¡¯s gone now, there¡¯s nothing I can do about it.¡± ¡°Half her family is here, she¡¯ll be back.¡± ¡°Can we not talk about this?!¡± I was right. I frown because his words cut through me. It¡¯s not suspicion anymore. I can feel the exact same thing Cody feels just like how it was it Freyja. Is that a superpower? ¡°What have you been up to? How come you¡¯re a freshman like me?¡± ¡°I took a year off to focus on my music. My parents pretty much kicked me out when I told them I didn¡¯t want their money for college.¡± ¡°Wait, that doesn¡¯t make sense. You¡¯re in college now.¡± Cody laughs, ¡°Through my own money. I don¡¯t accept handouts. Never have, never will.¡± ¡°So where do you live?¡± Cody kicks the ground, ¡°A studio apartment near Seattle. I work at Storyville for money, which is why I play there too.¡± ¡°Oh, that¡¯s cool. So why college now?¡±Royal Road is the home of this novel. Visit there to read the original and support the author. ¡°I don¡¯t have anything better to do,¡± he laughs. ¡°I don¡¯t plan on graduating or anything. My music will be enough.¡± ¡°And you¡¯re sure about that?¡± ¡°Of course,¡± he says with so much affinity like the old Cody. ¡°I won¡¯t ever doubt myself.¡± There¡¯s something admirable about his words. This is something he would say a year ago. I¡¯m glad there are still fragments of himself in him. I don¡¯t say anything back simply because I don¡¯t have anything else to add. Instead, Cody says, ¡°How¡¯s Andrew?¡± ¡°He left.¡± ¡°Left?¡± I shrug. ¡°I don¡¯t know where he is. Virginia tried to kick him out and the woosh, gone. Gracie didn¡¯t tell you?¡± Cody shakes his head and stands up. ¡°No. She never brought it up.¡± ¡°Hey, how come you¡¯re still friends?¡± ¡°Hmm?¡± Cody looks left for a reason. ¡°She¡¯s a funny girl, always trying to grow up faster than she should.¡± Yeah, like the coke she¡¯s doing that I still haven¡¯t done anything about. ¡°You don¡¯t know where Andrew is?¡± ¡°New York, but I haven¡¯t heard from him for a while.¡± ¡°Hmm,¡± Cody thinks for a second. ¡°I¡¯m sure he¡¯s fine. Oh well,¡± and just like that he drops it. ¡°At least you¡¯re doing well, Sara.¡± No. I¡¯m not. ¡°Thanks,¡± I say with a tennis ball in my throat. Part of me wants him to ask what I¡¯m doing in school or if I have a job because my throat is dangerously close from spilling the truth guts. Anything. Say anything. ¡°Wanna hel-¡± ¡°I¡¯m not fine.¡± ¡°Hmm?¡± ¡°I had an awful breakup before the summer and then Andrew disappeared. All of my hard work went to shit and I tried to kill myself.¡± Cody blinks once, just once, and then takes a few steps forward before stopping himself. I brace myself for a hug as if I¡¯m scared to get one, but he doesn¡¯t. ¡°Shit, I¡¯m sorry to hear that.¡± What¡¯s next? I ask myself. What are you going to say next, Cody? ¡°I¡¯m glad you¡¯re still here, Sara.¡± He says. Those words spark inside this darkness of mine. I¡¯m urged to light up a cigarette but I don¡¯t have mine with me at the moment. Still, those words hold a candle I did not expect. I thought he was going to say something stupid and cliche like ¡°It gets better,¡± ¡°I¡¯m here for you, or, ¡°cheer up.¡± I start to laugh uncontrollably. It must be because Cody is still so different than every other guy I know. It¡¯s breath of fresh air especially since all of my communication used to come from the internet in my self exile. He¡¯s a lot like the people I met in the mental ward when I was there. They were all so oddly unique and funny to interact with. ¡°Did I say something wrong?¡± He asks. ¡°No, no,¡± I stop myself from crying. ¡°It¡¯s just, thank you. I needed to hear that.¡± ¡°Oh.¡± ¡°I can¡¯t believe I painted you as a bad guy.¡± ¡°Gee, thanks,¡± Cody sits back down on his tree stump. ¡°What happened, if you don¡¯t mind me asking? About the breakup, not the suicide part. I don¡¯t want to hear that.¡± ¡°Turned out the only other lesbian in this town happens to also be part of a religious nut family. Her father forced her to break it between us or else she got cast out.¡± ¡°Shit, that sucks. Who was she?¡± I¡¯m hesitant to answer but I guess it doesn¡¯t matter. We¡¯re all done with High School so rumors don¡¯t matter. Besides Cody isn¡¯t one to tell anyone. He¡¯s kept every secret that he¡¯s been told that I know of. ¡°Jana. Jana Kramer, although she goes by her real name, Freyja.¡± Cody''s eyes widen a bit surprised. ¡°Oh, I always thought she was straight. Y¡¯know with the whole fucking Connor thing.¡± ¡°She lied about that to seem cool to the girls.¡± ¡°Jesus Christ high school is stupid,¡± Cody mumbles to himself although I can still hear, ¡°That¡¯s neat though, I always liked her. She¡¯s a nice girl.¡± ¡°Yeah, she was,¡± until she ripped my heart out and slammed a sledgehammer on it. ¡°I haven¡¯t talked to her since either.¡± ¡°Hmm, I guess I was right that you need a friend,¡± he chuckles. ¡°I¡¯m happy to apply because I need one too. Grace is my only other female friend and she¡¯s been kinda off lately.¡± Cody makes me laugh, ¡°You¡¯re stupid,¡± I say looking up above me to the treehouse. ¡°How long until you¡¯re finished?¡± Cody shrugs standing up, ¡°I don¡¯t know. Could be a year, could be three. I never really built something alone. I always had my dad and Emily to help me out.¡± Cody walks up next to me and starts to climb the steps. I decided to follow him and sit next to him on the edge where we could easily fall. I want to fall. ¡°But you¡¯re right,¡± Cody sighs. ¡°I¡¯m not over Emily. Not at least until I finish this stupid treehouse. I just never got that closure.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry, Cody.¡± I close my eyes and instantly see a memory of Emily. The last time I remember her she had much shorter hair being cut when she had surgery after the car crash. I thought it suited her better as it looked really cute on her. I was one of the last people to ever see her before she left back to New York. The entire thing was bittersweet and I was a bit jealous that she managed to escape this cursed town before it killed her. Sometimes it feels like the worst happens to the best of people, especially in this town. ¡°It¡¯s okay. I¡¯m terrible for her. She made the right choice to leave forever,¡± Cody¡¯s voice hurts. It¡¯s painful for him to talk about this which is why he stopped it earlier. ¡°I just have to live with it.¡± Living with it. Huh. Sara XIX September 26th, 2014 Living with it. Grace comes home from school to find me in her room with her bag of coke out. At least one thing out of this is that she doesn¡¯t bring with her to school. She¡¯s a junior now like how I was when I met her. Grace is definitely not the same person she was when I first met her. She doesn¡¯t even look like the same person. She¡¯s grown up and looks like everyone else her age even though she looked like a middle schooler just two years ago. Now all I¡¯m seeing is her turning into everyone else in this town. Is this what this town really does? Does it really corrupt them to all be the same? We¡¯re all drugged-up fiends looking for an escape. It¡¯s no wonder why she¡¯s turning into someone I don¡¯t recognize. ¡°Shit,¡± Grace says when she notices me holding the back in my palm. I stand up from her chair and give it to her. ¡°I thought we agreed that you wouldn¡¯t do this anymore.¡± ¡°I didn¡¯t think you would find out, okay? I¡¯m sorry,¡± Grace¡¯s words almost sound honest as she stuffs the bag in her pocket. ¡°What else do you do? Where¡¯s the weed?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t smoke weed.¡± ¡°Bullshit.¡± ¡°Ugh,¡± Grace rolls her eyes. ¡°So I smoke a little, so what? You¡¯re not gonna tell me to stop, are you?¡± ¡°Of course! And if you don¡¯t, I¡¯m gonna tell Mom.¡± ¡°That is so bullshit!¡± Grace stomps her feet. ¡°You¡¯re so hypocritical, Sara. What the fuck were you doing two years ago? What the fuck are you doing now? It¡¯s the same shit!¡± ¡°What is?!¡± ¡°Drugs! Coke and prescription pills. It¡¯s all the same and doesn¡¯t bullshit me that it¡¯s for your depression. I see you take more than you should.¡± It¡¯s not the same. Those pills do help me out with my darkness. She¡¯s just trying to turn this around on me. ¡°Gracie just because I made mistakes two years ago doesn¡¯t mean you should too.¡± ¡°Oh shut the fuck up, Sara. You¡¯re just trying to control the only fucking thing you can in your life anymore. I¡¯m not a kid anymore.¡± ¡°Oh, so you want me to tell Virginia?!¡± ¡°Fucking tell her and I tell her that you¡¯ve been doing coke from my bag too.¡± Shit, she noticed. ¡°What?¡± ¡°I had a feeling you were stealing and I was right. The bag is lighter than I had it. Caught you red handed, bitch,¡± Grace laughs, ¡°And guess who on the zero tolerance on drugs list?¡± She got me. I really doubt Virginia would kick me out for that at this point but she kicked Andrew out for something he apologized for. Grace plays dirty and I can¡¯t do anything against her. At most, she gets grounded for the rest of high school and I¡¯m kicked out. ¡°You¡¯re such a bitch, Gracie. Fucking overdose for all I care!¡± There¡¯s really nothing I can say I storm out of her room. ¡°You¡¯re a crazy whore, Sara! Never forget that!¡± Grace yells as I head over to my room. I desperately call Andrew and it rings until it goes to voicemail again. I call again no one answers, I call again and no one answers again. ¡°Fuck!¡± I yell and slam my foot against the desk; an obvious mistake. Hiding from the pain I get online on my computer to search for my brother. I try everything I already tried. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Google, fucking Youtube, and anything that I can use to try to find him. There¡¯s nothing on Andrew. I message his old friends again to see if anyone has heard from him. Carlos hasn¡¯t heard a word even though he asked around. Stephanie doesn¡¯t respond. Some of his other friends don¡¯t know where he is either. I turn on the TV to see if anything is on the afternoon news. Maybe they know for some forsaken reason, any reason, a reason. I even message Amanda who I know would message him from time to time. Andrew used to talk to a girl name Jerrica. The only one who pops up on Facebook search is Jerrica Crowe, Emily¡¯s sister. There is no Jerrica in Darkwood and I message every Jerrica in Seattle to see if they know my brother. Most respond that they don¡¯t know him, and everyone else doesn¡¯t even bother to message back. It¡¯s no hope, no one has seen Andrew. Jerrica. Jerrica. There¡¯s no fucking way he went to Emily¡¯s sister. Amanda messages me back telling me the last time he heard from him was a couple of months ago. I text Cody because he¡¯s the only other person I can talk to now. He immediately responds. I¡¯m compelled to talk to him because he just says the right things all the time. I don¡¯t know how he does it. He says: ¡°Don¡¯t beat yourself up. He¡¯ll turn up somewhere. He¡¯s a smart dude.¡±Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon. Perhaps, but that¡¯s not the fucking point. I need Andrew in my life. Without him, I¡¯m just a fucking mess. I sigh and pick up my guitar thinking about how I want to play on the stage and letting my emotions out. I start to play whatever comes up without concerning myself if it sounds good or not. I instantly calm down. I listen to myself play and it¡¯s soothing. I start to whistle along the acoustic chords and the melody is quite catchy. It¡¯s out of my head and into my hands I¡¯m able to expand on it and remember it as I start over. As I start to play more and more I feel the tears start to fall down my face without my control. At some point, I drop the guitar and let the tears fall freely. At another point, they stop and I clean myself off and shoot Cody another text. ¡°What does Morning Glory mean?¡± Cody: ¡°?¡± Me: ¡°What you told Elizabeth, what does it mean?¡± I want to know because this is the title of what I just came up with. Morning Glory for the melancholic acoustic song I have written. I have to watch the film ¡®Melancholia¡¯ again. I don¡¯t know why, it¡¯s just a random thought in my head. Cody: ¡°Morning Glories are blue flowers.¡± I¡¯m tired of hearing that all the time. I¡¯m tired of it always having the same meaning over and over again. I want it to have a deeper meaning. Me: ¡°There has to be something more¡­¡± Cody: ¡°I say a lot of bullshit to mindfuck people Sara. Why do u think Ems left? It¡¯s all bullshit.¡± I refuse to believe that. Me: ¡°Why do people stay long in my head than they do in real life?¡± Cody: ¡°You mourn the past as much as I do.¡± Cody¡¯s right. There doesn¡¯t need to be a bigger meaning. It¡¯s like life, it doesn¡¯t have to have a big meaning. It¡¯s why I¡¯m able to go to the bathroom with a razor blade. It¡¯s why I¡¯m able to lay down on the bathtub and fill her up I press the razor blade against my wrist. It doesn¡¯t cut as I¡¯m just placing pressure but the pain is still there. The pain reminds me that I¡¯m still alive, that I¡¯m still human, that I¡¯m still me. Me: ¡°Am I a good person?¡± Cody: ¡°You were never a bad one.¡± Me, to Andrew: ¡°I miss you. Please tell me where you are.¡± I submerge my head into the rising water and let it consume me. I once again press down on my wrist with the razor blade and feel the pain engulf me just as the water is doing. I press a bit harder than a little bit more until the pain becomes the norm and starts to sort of feel good. That¡¯s when I let go. I let go. I let go of the physical models that keep me in reality. The wonder submerges me past the psychical limits of my mind and allows me to become one with the whole. As it becomes so the walls start to crumble down and I start to feel at peace. There is stillness and silence and not even my own thoughts intrude. See, it¡¯s not insanity. This is the ultimate reality. This is where we all go when we die. It is why I want to die. I come back to my reality gasping for air and the water splashes all over the floor. Now that I¡¯m back so are my intrusive thoughts and the blade tries to seduce me again. I dry my hands off with the tower to check my phone. Cody: ¡°Let¡¯s hang out tomorrow.¡± Me: ¡°Ok¡­¡± It¡¯s difficult. I don¡¯t want to get up tomorrow. I probably don¡¯t want to go outside tomorrow. This night is one of the worst as time always seems to slow down so much when I get like this. Me to Freyja: ¡°Please text me back.¡± I close my eyes and await an answer that will never come because it never has. Freyja: ¡°Please stop texting me¡­¡± If it¡¯s possible to die more than once, this is how. I stare at this message for hours even though it¡¯s just minutes. It¡¯s not even seven yet. Yet, seven seems like a fine time to fall asleep and hope that the next day is better. Her scent lingers as the sun goes down. My body will burn and hurt at the break of dawn. I await the day she comes homes. Her silhouette is all I have left. It¡¯s etched on the right side of my bed. I¡¯ve lost track of who I¡¯ve become. The world fades into a distant land. The shadows loom in growing aches. Memories die in the forgotten valleys. I walk alone as the sun sets down. The vale cries in painful hymns. The silhouettes soon grow to be tall. They haunt the world with their cynical laugh. They stare me down knowing they want to die. My hand holds out a cigarette and it burns bright as it dies out. Smoke forms in the darkened skies. It takes shape of a girl rising above the sea. She wraps around my dying hands and crawls up to hug my neck. The vale breathes as I suffocate. It blooms a garden bed of flowers oh so blue. The shadows disappear as the moon starts to shine. I look up into the night sky as the smoke starts to suck the air out of my lungs. The wind excels at its noise. The vale quiets down for its roar. It blows the smoke out of my breath. Petals fly across the wind, carried in the hay of the calming storm. I breathe the scent of rain, its petrichor filling up my lungs. The vale starts to flood with rain. There¡¯s no escape from the terrain as everything starts to drown. I can¡¯t escape the flood from swallowing me whole. I rise up from my bed in cold sweat. It was a just a dream, an odd one at that. Three hours haven¡¯t even passed yet it feel like an entire day and night has passed. My room¡¯s door is open and the hallways light shine through. I can hear Grace¡¯s faint voice in her room. ¡°Yeah, I love her but she can¡¯t fucking tell me what I should be doing,¡± she says faintly. I lay back down on my bed and decide I don¡¯t want to hear the rest of it. I¡¯ve gotten more messages from Seattle¡¯s Jerricas. None of them have seen my brother. Stephanie finally texted back, she hasn¡¯t heard from him either recently but was told he was leaving. Still, there¡¯s no leads to my dear brother who I need. If I could just hear his voice one more time then maybe I wouldn¡¯t be like this. Maybe I wouldn¡¯t be so broken. I was doing fine with the breakup up to the point where he left. Now it seems likes I¡¯m back to square one since the day I have arrived in this house. This time I don¡¯t scream when I¡¯m awaken by my night terrors so Virginia never comes. I don¡¯t even think she¡¯s here right now or else Grace wouldn¡¯t be talking so loud. I close my eyes once more in hopes that I don¡¯t wake up anymore. Sara XX September 27th, 2014 I meet Cody in the Diner. This is the first time I¡¯ve seen him there in a while. In fact, it seems before this past week I had only seen him in class. Cody sits in the far back corner of the diner where it¡¯s hard to see walking in. I sit in front of him like I have an option when I really don¡¯t. People don¡¯t sit next to each other unless they have to. It¡¯s weird otherwise. ¡°How are you doing?¡± Cody asks not taking his eyes off his phone. ¡°Like shit.¡± Cody looks up at me and smiles. It¡¯s fucking stupid and intoxicating and I realize something. ¡°Some days are like that,¡± he says. In turn, I smile involuntarily which makes me feel like an idiot. I have a session with Fonseca on Monday and this is something I want to discuss with her. Maybe she can say something that will make sense about all of this. ¡°Do you ever feel like the world is out to get you?¡± ¡°Of course,¡± Cody answers without a breath in between my words. ¡°I learned that life¡¯s like that isn¡¯t it?¡± ¡°No one has seen Andrew. I searched all last night, I¡¯m starting to worry. You really haven¡¯t heard a word from him?¡± Cody drops his phone on the table and crosses his arms. His head tilts a bit and becomes curious. ¡°Two years ago, you ran away and Andrew called the cops immediately. Why haven¡¯t you done that?¡± I shrug, ¡°He¡¯s 18, Virginia said he can take care of himself.¡± When I say that out loud it sounds pretty stupid. I should tell Virginia to file a missing person report. At least that way more people can look. ¡°You still interested in going to film school?¡± ¡°What?¡± He catches me off guard. I haven¡¯t thought about that in months, maybe even a year. I used to love watching films but with everything going on I haven¡¯t been able to watch any. ¡°I don¡¯t know. I don¡¯t know anything anymore.¡± ¡°Why not?¡± ¡°I¡¯ve been busy.¡± ¡°It¡¯s not good on giving up on things you like.¡± ¡°What do you mean?¡± Cody shrugs, ¡°I just think it does you some good to know what you want. I got my music and you liked films. Everyone has something.¡± He¡¯s right. I would like to go to LA to a film school there. But right now all I want is for people to hear my voice. ¡°Can I play with you on your next gig?¡± ¡°What?¡± ¡°When you rap, I want to be up there with you. I play the acoustic guitar.¡± Cody half smiles and picks up his phone but doesn¡¯t check it. ¡°That¡¯s a bit random. Why would you want to do that?¡± ¡°Because when I heard you it was when I heard Emmah Melody Ryan live and I know I want to see if I can do the same. I want to release everything I have bottled up inside just like you.¡± Cody smiles and chuckles, ¡°Okay but I have to hear you play first. At least you picked up something new.¡± ¡°Wanna go now?¡± ¡°You just got here and my drink is on the way.¡± ¡°It¡¯s not here yet what does it matter?¡± Cody gets up and extends his arm out to me. I use it to lift myself up. He opens the door for me and says, ¡°Didn¡¯t know you play guitar.¡± ¡°I started last year but I didn¡¯t become good until a few months ago,¡± I laugh nervously taking the first steps outside. The skies are cloudy and I doubt Cody has a car. ¡°How¡¯d you get here?¡± ¡°Took an uber, can¡¯t really take them back though.¡± Great so we have to walk back. Although the town is a small one it still takes time to walk everywhere. For example, getting to the other side of town, which is the other side of the forest would take about three hours to walk, maybe an hour and a half if you¡¯re cutting through the forest directly. There isn¡¯t much to the other side of town anyways. It¡¯s just where all the rich kids live. I live just north of the forest, close to the hill, close to the school, and close to where Freyja lives. It¡¯s a thirty-minute walk from there to the diner. ¡°Y¡¯know, when nothing is going on this town can seem to be harmless,¡± Cody comments as we start to walk towards my house. ¡°Like it¡¯s a goddamn normal one.¡± ¡°Yeah,¡± I chuckle. ¡°Why do you think it¡¯s so fucked up.¡± Cody shrugs, ¡°Who knows. It¡¯s not important.¡± Cody reminds me of Andrew now that he¡¯s gone. I think that¡¯s why they were friends for a while. They¡¯re both alike yet they are completely different people. Being around Cody gives me that same safe space Andrew used to give me. ¡°Can I ask you something?¡± I say once we reach one of the many street lights we have to cross. ¡°Yeah?¡± ¡°Do you mind talking about Emily with me?¡± ¡°What about?¡± his words are cold, clearly he isn¡¯t interested but I still have to press on. ¡°Why did you push her away the way you did? Do you regret it?¡± Cody doesn¡¯t answer for a while. I know the answer already but I want to hear it from him. A lot of things happened because Cody wasn¡¯t ready to love Emily. I wonder if he¡¯s ready now. ¡°Only if you tell me about Freyja.¡± ¡°Okay¡­¡± It¡¯s a hard deal but I¡¯m curious to hear Cody¡¯s thoughts. Cody sighs as we start to walk again. ¡°I think everyone blames themselves for Elizabeth¡¯s death. I think I took more harshly than others. Hell, I bet Andrew knows how I felt. It was just hard when Emily wanted us more than ever and I couldn¡¯t handle it.¡± ¡°If she were here today, what would you do.¡±If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation. ¡°Emily always said that I always knew what I should do. No matter the situation I knew what to do, she would say. Truth is I almost never do, so I don¡¯t know what I would do if she was here.¡± It makes sense or at least to me. Cody is just as lost as all of us. ¡°What about Freyja? It sounds like you really loved this girl.¡± I burst into small laughter. ¡°Yeah, I do. I love her. When she broke things off I didn¡¯t really know what to do. Andrew was this pillar of support and when he left there wasn¡¯t anyone to catch me from falling down.¡± ¡°Yeah but that doesn¡¯t warrant suicide,¡± he says so nonchalantly. That¡¯s right, Cody doesn¡¯t know anything. At least I don¡¯t think he does. ¡°I go to this psychiatrist who diagnosed me with clinical depression. She thinks I may have genetically inherited it from my mom.¡± Cody knows my mom is dead so I hope he figures it out without me telling him. ¡°When two major traumas add to each other it''s easy to forget who I am.¡± ¡°And who¡¯s that?¡± Cody isn¡¯t looking at me. ¡°A girl who just wants to be happy and not miserable all the time.¡± ¡°What was your mom like?¡± he asks out of nowhere. I remember the living and caring angel of my mother and the hateful depressed alcoholic one at the same time. I think now both are true. Maybe she wasn¡¯t the woman I thought she was but she was something. I wish I could ask the only person who would know. ¡°She was just like any other,¡± I say but it just comes out sounding like bullshit. ¡°So what? You¡¯re depressed and you don¡¯t want to be?¡± Cody scoffs. ¡°That¡¯s not how it works.¡± ¡°I know. Fonseca tells me that all the time. She says it takes time to break out of my shell and see who I truly can be.¡± Cody scoffs yet again, ¡°That¡¯s bullshit,¡± he looks over to me. ¡°Sara you don¡¯t need to break out of anything to see who you can truly be, you just are. You are or you¡¯re not. There¡¯s nothing to break out of.¡± ¡°But it¡¯s-¡± ¡°It¡¯s what? It¡¯s progress? No one can defeat their sadness. The darkness is much a part of us as the light, there¡¯s no getting rid of that. All you can do is to learn to live with it.¡± There it is again, ¡°learn to live with it¡­¡± I repeat to myself. ¡°Emily¡¯s been getting anxiety attacks ever since she overcame her sickness when she was ten. You think it was something she just learned to get over? She¡¯s still probably dealing with it right now.¡± ¡°But isn¡¯t that grim? You¡¯re saying it like it¡¯s some sort of STD that I can¡¯t get rid of.¡± Cody shrugs, ¡°You can¡¯t really regrow an arm, can you? You can get a prosthetic leg but it¡¯ll never be a leg. They learn to live with it, just like you have to.¡± We walk in silence for ten minutes. These words are so simple yet effective. It makes me wonder what Fonseca sees in me when she tells me this darkness will just fade away one day when I find the light. No. I found the light before and even then it still lurked in the back corner of my mind. ¡°Is that what you¡¯re doing now?¡± ¡°What?¡± ¡°With Emily. You¡¯re living with it, without her.¡± Cody smiles, ¡°Of course. There isn¡¯t anything else to do but besides that.¡± It sounds so cheesy. How does one even live with their depression? Am I supposed to accept that I¡¯m just going to have incredibly shit days some days? It sounds a lot like the ¡°cheer up, everything will get better,¡± like everyone always like to say. It¡¯s similar but it¡¯s real. Cody is saying that it doesn¡¯t matter what I do, I can¡¯t conquer this. I can¡¯t fight it when I¡¯ve been trying for so long. If I can¡¯t fight it? Do I just give up? No. That¡¯s not what he means. ¡°So what do I do?¡± ¡°You become its mother.¡± That doesn¡¯t make any sense but it doesn¡¯t have to. I wasn¡¯t only fighting, I was running. I¡¯m running when I¡¯m looking for Andrew. I¡¯m running when I want Freyja back. I¡¯m running when I¡¯m unable to leave my room because I don¡¯t have the energy to do so. I¡¯m pushing it away. I¡¯m pushing myself away. I get home and lead Cody to my room. Grace isn¡¯t home and neither is Virginia. Either way, it wouldn¡¯t be much of an issue to bring a guy home. Cody sits down on my desk chair as I sit down on my bed and play my guitar for him. I play the melody I came up with last night and Cody listens without saying a word. This is what I¡¯m talking about. Everytime my fingertips touch the chords I released that pent-up energy that has been building inside of me. I don¡¯t know if I¡¯m actually good or not but it doesn¡¯t matter. This is what I wanted to do and I can feel my memories escape with the vibrations of the strings. And Cody listened like we¡¯ve been friends without the loss of time. It¡¯s just been a couple of days and I feel completely comfortable with him. ¡°That was good,¡± He says when I finish. ¡°Yeah, I don¡¯t mind if you play along with my band,¡± ¡°Really?!¡± I lean the guitar against my nightstand feeling the smallest amount of happiness I felt in days. ¡°I play a very, very important show this Friday. Think you can learn a couple of songs by then?¡± ¡°Yeah.¡± ¡°Cool,¡± Cody stands up to take his phone out. ¡°I¡¯ll send you the music sheets on Facebook. ¡°You¡¯re better than I expected,¡± he says finishing up typing something. It makes me blush unexpectedly. ¡°What you said earlier,¡± I butt in. ¡°How that I need to learn to live with my depression? I think I¡¯m starting to get it.¡± ¡°Oh yeah?¡± ¡°Yeah,¡± I smile. ¡°I realize that there are a few things I¡¯ve been running away from that I don¡¯t think I can anymore. ¡°Like?¡± Cody sits down again. ¡°I have to face my demons. My father, my mother, Lyle, myself, Freyja, and cigarettes.¡± ¡°Cigarettes?¡± ¡°Nothing,¡± I laugh to myself. Cody''s laughter is a bit rude. ¡°Do you remember when I found you outside of Emily¡¯s door nearly dead?¡± I wonder if Cody knows the details of what happened to me two years ago. As far as I know, only Andrew, Fonseca, and Virginia know what happened. ¡°I don¡¯t know,¡± I tell him. The memory is still hazy. Everyone tells me it was Cody who found me and called an ambulance for me. ¡°You kept mentioning that a girl named Marina was who got you there. That you were locked up and she freed you. Did you ever find her?¡± ¡°No. As far as I know, it was all in my head.¡± ¡°But it wasn¡¯t. You dropped it as soon as everyone said they didn¡¯t know who she was. You said she was girl in all white.¡± ¡°White hair, white skin, white eyes, and a mute. What about it?¡± ¡°You never told Andrew about it, did you?¡± ¡°No, by the time I was well again the memory became all hazy and I thought it was all in my head. But what are you saying? That is she¡¯s real?¡± Cody shrugs, getting up from his seat. ¡°I didn¡¯t piece it together a the time because I¡¯d forgotten too. I think I met someone just like that last year too. She was like a super albino and never said a word. I never did catch her name but when I met her; she put things into perspective for me.¡± ¡°She¡¯s real?¡± ¡°It wasn¡¯t just me either. Ems has seen her. I think she¡¯s the reason why Chris disappeared too. Hell,¡± he scoffs, ¡°I¡¯m sure if you could ask Andrew, he would know who she is. Or maybe I¡¯m just crazy too.¡± ¡°A woman in all white. Didn¡¯t Elizabeth talk about her in that video?¡± ¡°Yeah.¡± ¡°Do you think we¡¯re all talking about the same person?¡± ¡°I think we all have something in common with her, she helped us.¡± She said her name was Marina. Marina Lightyear now that I remember. She¡¯s the one who told me not to believe in Lyle¡¯s words. She¡¯s the one who gave me the strength to leave. I remember it all now. She was a captive just like how I was, tired of being his puppet. The only way for her to be freed was to free me. I never understood what she meant. Then it all sorts of clicks. The night Lyle tried to kill us all at the town¡¯s fair. He was livid at us, demanding where they took her queen. I never understood what he meant then. I thought it was just some girl he had under his belt. Lyle wanted to kill Andrew and Chris the most. If it wasn¡¯t for Cody, I think we would all be dead. I remember it all now. Lyle is the source of all the toxic plaguing this state. Andrew and Cody fought him to keep him from giving us any harm. Lyle taunted us, telling us exactly how he messed with Elizabeth¡¯s head. He¡¯s the one who told us how she got the gun that she used. It was him. It¡¯s always been him. He¡¯s the one who got into her head. It wasn¡¯t us. And so I now believe everything my brother told me. Marina is the one who saved us all. It was all in the news. An anonymous source gave the FBI everything they needed to take his entire operation down. It was her. Sessions, the ghost of Seattle. It was never Lyle, it was Marina. Just how far does this rabbit hole go?¡± Did she know Elizabeth too? ¡°So I wasn¡¯t crazy.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t think so.¡± Sara XXI September 28th, 2014 I arrive at my father¡¯s prison and wait for him to come to see me. It¡¯s been a year since I have and I thought I was for the better. I never thought I would ever see his disgusting face ever again. I sit down on the chair they tell me to and I¡¯m surrounded by people talking to inmates through those phones and glass I always see in the movies. I haven¡¯t told anyone I¡¯m here. I know Virginia and Fonseca would stop the world just to stop me from coming here. Even if Virginia didn¡¯t, I can¡¯t imagine what she would do. She would probably forbid me and then yell at me before trying to kick me out or something. There¡¯s always that looming threat that I could be kicked out at any moment. Fonseca would probably just ask me endless questions about why I wanted to do this or probably pull some strings so this encounter couldn¡¯t happen. I wonder what would have happened if I told Grace. She¡¯d probably cry and beg me not to go. Hell, I haven¡¯t even told Cody. I should have told him, he would have gone with me. The cold chair isn¡¯t even comfortable but I suppose a prison isn¡¯t supposed to be in the first place. It¡¯s not comfortable either when I see my father again after a year. He sits down and I do nothing but stare at him while he picks up the phone. He hasn¡¯t changed a bit. He still has the same old gray beard and his mean brown eyes that seem sad to me right now. I feel nothing. I can¡¯t decide if this is a good or bad thing. He doesn¡¯t even feel like my father anymore, just someone named Bill. I pick up the phone, ¡°Hi, Sara,¡± is the first thing he says. I don¡¯t say anything but not for the lack of trying. I¡¯m just trying to find the right words. I want to yell at him, I want to cry, I want to talk to him like a normal human being and I don¡¯t want to say anything at all. ¡°Hi,¡± is all I can manage to actually say.¡± ¡°You look well. I didn¡¯t expect you to come today, or ever.¡±¡¯ ¡°I didn¡¯t either.¡± ¡°Why did you?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know,¡± I lie. ¡°I wanted to ask you about Mom.¡± Bill doesn¡¯t say anything for a few seconds. ¡°What about?¡± His voice is withered. ¡°I don¡¯t remember her much, how was she like?¡± ¡°Angelica was kind, smart, and stubborn,¡± Bill chuckles. He still loves her. ¡°You look a lot like her, Sara. She was the light of my world. When she died I just went crazy. I¡¯m so sorry, Sa-¡± ¡°She was a mess as well, wasn¡¯t she? She was never truly happy.¡± Bill nods, ¡°I did the best I could, I just wasn¡¯t enough. You, kids, weren¡¯t enough. She loved you both to death, I know that for a fact.¡± ¡°Then why was she such a bitch to us?¡± Bill gulps down and sighs like he¡¯s terrified to speak about this. I wonder if he was anywhere else, would he be able to talk about this? ¡°It happened about two years before her death. I don¡¯t why but she started to drink and stop eating. She lost a lot of weight over those two years. She was hungry all the time and whenever she was hungry she would smoke a pack of cigarettes¡± ¡°What?!¡± ¡°You don¡¯t remember? You would always have a pack of cigarettes for her whenever she needed one. You always wanted to try to make her happy because when she was she gave you the world. It was the only time she was kind to you.¡± ¡°Why didn¡¯t you stop her?¡± ¡°I tried.¡± ¡°You do an awful lot of trying.¡± Bill¡¯s eyes look down. ¡°It¡¯s my fault that she died. I went out for a few drinks with my friends that night and she asked me not to. Angelica didn¡¯t want to be alone with you two. I thought one night would be fine. I¡¯m so sorry.¡± I let the telephone drop slightly. Bill is a monster. No, life is a monster. Life is so fucking unfair that I can¡¯t even begin to hate it. I want to, but I can¡¯t. ¡°You¡¯re so fucked up.¡± ¡°I know,¡± I hear nothing but regret in his words. ¡°I hate you.¡± ¡°I know.¡± ¡°Tell me more about Mom. How did you two meet?¡± ¡°We shared a class together in Phoenix during college. I knew the second I laid eyes on her I knew that she was something I shouldn¡¯t just let walk by. She hated my guts at first but eventually softened up after all the times we ran into each other at parties. We started dating our senior year and got married three years later.¡± ¡°Then what happened?¡± ¡°Everything was peachy. It was the best ten years of my life, a decade of nothing but living my dream. I think it was three or four years into our marriage that I started to notice your mother¡¯s depression. She said she wanted to move to Washington but we couldn¡¯t decide where. In the end, we just got a map and threw a dart. That¡¯s how we ended up in Darkwood. I thought it would make your mom happy, but it never did. She just got worse. Then we had you two and that problem faded away for six years.¡± ¡°What kind of stuff did she like?¡±This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience. ¡°Angelica loved Jazz. Oscar Peterson was her favorite. I don¡¯t think there wasn¡¯t a night that she didn¡¯t play a song by him. She loved art and was an amazing painter, but you already know that. When we first started to date I remember her dorm room filled with movie posters that I have never seen. She had this obsession with filmmaking and if it wasn¡¯t for the major she chose I think she would have pursued that. Angelica was just so creative and free while I was just the opposite.¡± ¡°Why did she do it? Why did she have to do it in front of me?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know.¡± ¡°Okay.¡± ¡°How¡¯s Andrew?¡± ¡°Fine.¡± ¡°How are you?¡± ¡°Fine.¡± ¡°Are you in College now?¡± ¡°Yeah.¡± ¡°Who¡¯s taking care of you or are you two on your own?¡± ¡°Listen, I gotta go,¡± I stand up but I don¡¯t actually drop the phone from my ear. ¡°I¡¯m just glad you¡¯re here. Goodbye, Sara.¡± I lock the phone in place and storm out before I let him do anything else. I leave the prison as fast as I can because I don¡¯t think I can hold myself together. I hate him. I hate him but there¡¯s something about his word sounding so broken that breaks something inside me. It¡¯s painful to hear and I couldn¡¯t handle it. I shouldn¡¯t even be fucking crying right now but I¡¯m bawling like a little kid who broke a bone. It can¡¯t be a mistake coming here. As much as it hurts I know I needed this because I know now where everything is standing. Then there¡¯s my mother. I feel the chains shackled on my ankles shatter. I finally know the truth. - ¡°That¡¯s good to hear. You are a lot lighter today, did something happen?¡± ¡°Hmm?¡± ¡°You¡¯re more cheerful than usual.¡± ¡°Oh,¡± I pause. ¡°Nothing at all,¡± I lie. After all, it took me hours just to stop myself from crying. When I finally did the shadows that loomed over me seemed lighter than usual. ¡°Well I guess that¡¯s natural,¡± Fonseca writes something on her Ipad. What I said wasn¡¯t even anything bad at all, I don¡¯t know why she¡¯s writing anything down. Maybe it is actually notes and not what I originally thought. ¡°Anything else interesting happening?¡± ¡°Grace and I got in a fight a few days ago.¡± ¡°Oh?¡± ¡°I found her using cocaine again and tried to stop her.¡± ¡°I still think you should take my advice and tell Virginia, but carry on with telling me.¡± ¡°She called me a hypocrite, y¡¯know because I used to do it at her age. Like yeah, I get it but she doesn¡¯t have to follow in anyone¡¯s footsteps. She even had the nerve to say that the prescription pills are the same thing as I abuse them.¡± ¡°Well, she¡¯s not entirely wrong. When people abuse prescription medication it essentially becomes any other drug. Too much of a good thing can be a bad thing, even water.¡± ¡°How can too much water be bad for you?¡± ¡°If you drink enough in a short enough amount of time, you can drown.¡± I can¡¯t help but laugh. ¡°Wait, how does that work?¡± ¡°It¡¯s called Hyponatremia. It¡¯s when you drink much faster than your kidney can process. It makes all the excess water go into your cells causing them to swell up, including the ones in your brain. It¡¯s extremely rare and nobody should ever worry about it.¡± ¡°Why would anybody do that?¡± ¡°Why would anyone abuse prescription drugs? There¡¯s people out there that just can¡¯t get enough water. It¡¯s a hard comparison to make but it applies nonetheless.¡± ¡°But if you don¡¯t abuse them, it¡¯s not the same.¡± ¡°There¡¯s people out there who would argue that. Caffeine is a drug and half the world is hooked on it. Alcohol is a destructive drug and nobody seems to mind. Any medication is usually a drug. This world is run by drugs and some people don¡¯t like that.¡± ¡°What do you think?¡± ¡°I think it¡¯s a necessary evil. Prescription medication helps more people than it hurts, or at least I hope.¡± I sit on her words. Grace is right. I¡¯ve moved on from feel-good drugs to numbing drugs. I am a hypocrite. But this is good. This is what I needed, this is how I can move forward. If it¡¯s a cycle I can¡¯t escape at least it¡¯s one I can recognize. I choose not to tell this to Fonseca. It came to my attention through this self-reflection today that Fonseca isn¡¯t any help to my Mental Health. It¡¯s been a year now and I haven¡¯t improved. I improved the most when I was alone with my own thoughts and through my friends and family. The only one who can save me is myself. This is the only one who can bring me back through the brink. I had to lose my mind so I can find it. And now that I think that I found It I realize that I haven¡¯t lost it at all. ¡°So if it has to be a necessary evil, can the opposite be true?¡± I say thinking of everything that¡¯s been going on lately. ¡°I¡¯m not sure what you mean?¡± ¡°Necessary good for evil things. Like doing a good thing in order to have a selfish outcome, I think.¡± ¡°It doesn¡¯t really make sense that way. You can¡¯t have a good thing that is necessary in order for bad things to happen. At least none that I can¡¯t think of.¡± I can. Freyja leaving was something good for her that had an ill effect on me. I chuckle, ¡°I guess so.¡± ¡°Why do you ask?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know¡± ¡°What happened today, Sara?¡± ¡°Excuse me?¡± ¡°You¡¯re hiding something from me and won¡¯t tell me why you¡¯re in a much better mood.¡± ¡°I can¡¯t be in a good mood once in a while?¡± I scoff. Fonseca shakes her head, ¡°I suppose you can. I still think you¡¯re hiding something from me though.¡± ¡°Even if I am, I don¡¯t think I¡¯ll tell you.¡± ¡°Why not?¡± ¡°Maybe it¡¯s a necessary evil.¡± Fonseca chuckles. I¡¯m not saying I don¡¯t need her anymore but I think I¡¯m realizing the importance of thought for myself. I think I came to this conclusion when I talked to my father today. Like right now, I want to daydream but I¡¯m forcing myself not to. In turn, the cigarette in my breast isn¡¯t calling my name. Instead, I take it out and place it on the table. ¡°Here you go.¡± Fonseca reaches for it and examines it for it bit. ¡°You never told me you smoke.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t. I never told you I like to hold it. I had it for months now but I never get the urge to smoke it until Fey broke up with me.¡± Fonseca examines it one more and sets it back on the table. She writes on her Ipad. ¡°May I ask why?¡± ¡°I didn¡¯t know. For the longest time, I didn¡¯t know but it came to me today.¡± ¡°And what is that?¡± I pick up the cigarette and think of my mother. I think about the darkness and Freyja Elledge sparks through it. I think about Andrew and Grace. I think about Virginia. ¡°Do you have a light?¡± ¡°You seriously want to smoke right now? You just said you don¡¯t.¡± ¡°Please?¡± Fonseca looks over to her wall where there is a small no-smoking sign that I never paid much attention to. ¡°Go ahead,¡± She says giving me a lighter. I put the cigarette in my mouth and hold the lighter up to it. I stare at it for a second then at Fonseca for a second. I look back down and light it right up. ¡°What are you hoping to happen?¡± ¡°Morning Glory,¡± I take my first inhale. Sara XXII October 3rd, 2014 I set myself to get ready to play on the stage of Storyville and sit on the chair Cody gave me. The crowd here is much bigger than I thought although it seems to be the same amount of people as last time. I think being up on the stage is what makes the difference. The one thing I notice is that Grace isn¡¯t here. We still haven¡¯t been talking much. Cody takes his stance and makes sure everything is in working order. We¡¯re about to start and I¡¯m much more nervous than I thought I would be. Before this he told me, ¡°Don¡¯t fuck this up, this night is the most important night in my life,¡± but he still hasn¡¯t told me why. Cody introduces himself, makes a joke that makes the audience laugh, and says the title of his song. ¡°Inertia.¡± Cody gave me a set of specific songs that he¡¯s gonna play today and I had to learn them all. I only really had a day¡¯s practice with the band so I really do hope I¡¯m not terrible. I have to start this one, so I do. I start slow then pick up the pace to match the drums. After ten seconds it¡¯s time for Cody. Practice and being live are two completely different beasts. I don¡¯t look at the crowd as I try my hardest to concentrate on my task fearing I¡¯m going to mess up at any moment. I can feel the sweat on my back starting to soak up my shirt. This isn¡¯t good, I¡¯m going to mess up. I close my eyes and hope for the best. The song ends. I open my eyes and realize I made it through. I look at Cody who gives me a quick glance and smiles. There are five seconds I have for myself before the next song starts. Even though I didn¡¯t mess up, I couldn¡¯t pour my heart out. The next song starts. I¡¯m not required as much here so it¡¯s a lot easier for me. This is where I can shine. I¡¯m able to play my heart and I hear it. It¡¯s the slow chords that leave the instrument and escape to the audience. I feel the memories, the time, and the experiences escaping. Although the song is about the Space Needle, I turn it into my own or at least I think I do. I don¡¯t know if my chords are reaching out to people but I¡¯m able to hear them. That¡¯s all that matters. I¡¯m able to carry on just fine toward the third song. It¡¯s the fourth one that I¡¯m afraid of. Cody decided it would be best to strip away the beat and leave it entirely up to me. It¡¯s essentially a spotlight for me and I¡¯m not sure if I can handle it. The song is about darkness. I¡¯m sure Cody made it international. It¡¯s much harder than anything I have ever played. It¡¯s also the longest one I had to learn. It¡¯s about six minutes long. This one is the one I¡¯m most nervous about. I¡¯ve practiced it all night yesterday but I¡¯m barely able to hold it together. Still, I¡¯m forced to start. I start off okay but I struggle with my fingers. It sounds alright but it could be much better like how I played it last night. Cody taps my foot with mine and I¡¯m forced to look at him. He just nods and starts his words. I close my eyes and concentrate on playing. A minute passes and I get more comfortable and I can hear myself a lot better. Another minute passes and I wish people can hear my words. This is my best chance to reach out to them, to reach out to her but I¡¯m blowing it. It¡¯s in the middle of the song and I get frustrated that I¡¯m unable to play my best. I want to quit but Cody taps my foot again. It refocuses me. He needs me, he needs this to be the best it can be. I take a deep breath and relax. The shadows start to leak out of my body like blood. The darkness escapes like a mist and my words are finally being heard. This time I know they can hear it and I don¡¯t need to close my eyes anymore. I look at the crowd one more time. As I play the vibrations form into flowers. I can¡¯t really tell what kind but I imagine morning glories. Yeah, now that I decided I can see that they¡¯re morning glories and the stage is filled with them. Cody says they don¡¯t have a meaning, but they¡¯re just like my cigarettes. They¡¯re my tall grass, my forest fires. Even if it was just all bullshit, it doesn¡¯t mean it has to be that for me. It wasn¡¯t for Elizabeth, it wasn¡¯t for Freyja and it isn¡¯t for me either. The last minute is where I truly am able to sing. I grow wings and everyone watches as I¡¯m truly able to reach the light. Yet even up in this light, there is still darkness. This is fine now. It¡¯s okay. I explore this darkness and see everything in it. I walk through it and see my father, my mother, and Lyle. I see myself and my brother. I see Freyja. There¡¯s a void here, a void I haven¡¯t been able to fill just yet. It speaks to me, it tells me to keep pushing through. I keep walking and see more. All those terrible memories start to come and they startle me. I don¡¯t want them, but I need them. I push on through and continue on. The void gets bigger. It¡¯s the shape of an empty dark crystal. As soon as I touch it, the song ends and I¡¯m pulled back through reality. I sigh and look at the crowd. They all clap even though the song hasn¡¯t ended yet. Cody smiles at me. Through this, I¡¯m able to play everything after just fine and well. The set is over and everyone claps. I get up from my seat and set my guitar down. I sweated so much more than I felt. Cody congratulates me and hugs me. ¡°Follow me,¡± he says walking off into the back. ¡°What are we doing here?¡± I ask as we wait in the kitchen. ¡°That¡¯s another great act, Cody,¡± one of the staffs says to him. ¡°I told you tonight is important,¡± Cody tells me. The doors open and she walks in. It¡¯s Emmah Melody Ryan. She¡¯s here. Her eyes fixate on me as soon as she notices me and even stops walking. ¡°Sara?!¡± Even Cody gets startled. ¡°What are you doing here?¡± ¡°I was going to ask you the same thing,¡± She smiles and runs up to hug me. Holy shit I¡¯m getting hugged by her. This isn¡¯t fucking real. Emmah lets go, ¡°I never thought I would see you again.¡± She notices that I¡¯m still wearing the necklace she gave me and smiles. ¡°You played so well!¡± ¡°I told you she¡¯s good,¡± Cody smirks. ¡°You know her?!¡± I say much louder than I intended. Seriously, how dare Cody act like it¡¯s a big deal. Cody just darts his eyes at Emmah then back at me and just kind of just shrugs. Emmah laughs at this. ¡°For a couple of months now, yeah.¡± Cody smirks. ¡°I didn¡¯t really think it was you up in stage. It¡¯s so great that you were,¡± Emmah says to me. She was watching. Wait she was watching. I just freeze. ¡°Uh,¡± Emmah giggles, ¡°Glad things haven¡¯t changed. Where¡¯s Freyja?¡± She remembers our names. We¡¯re just insignificant fans but she bothered to remember our names. I¡¯m freaking out, internally of course but I wouldn¡¯t mind if I freaked out right now. ¡°She isn¡¯t my friend anymore,¡± I answer. ¡°Aw, I really like you two together. Sara, whatever happened I¡¯m sure you two could still be friends.¡± Yeah. I wish.Unauthorized content usage: if you discover this narrative on Amazon, report the violation. Emmah turns her attention to Cody. ¡°Cody, sorry I¡¯m geeking out that you had Sara play with you today. I didn¡¯t know you were surrounded by such wonderful people. What a wonderful small world.¡± Cody chuckles, ¡°I didn¡¯t expect it either. So what did you think?¡± Emmah nods, ¡°You got yourself a deal!¡± Cody gasps in excitement. I never have seen him so happy before. His eyes literally shine. I can almost feel him bounce. ¡°Fuck yeah¡­¡± he whispers. Emmah giggles, ¡°You sure are happy.¡± ¡°Wait what¡¯s going on?¡± I have a vague idea but I want to hear it from them. There¡¯s no way Cody is this lucky. ¡°I¡¯ll contact you again soon, Cody,¡± Emmah giggles, ¡°It was nice seeing you again, Sara. I hope I get to see you many more times, hopefully with Freyja.¡± Emmah takes her leave. ¡°Wait, I don¡¯t have you numb-¡± Cody tries to stop her but fails. He sighs and turns to me, ¡°How do you know her?¡± ¡°I met her at her concert. What the fuck, how do you know her?¡± ¡°She comes here a lot.¡± ¡°Was that a record deal?¡± Cody nods like a kid, ¡°Ye,¡± he grins, ¡°I don¡¯t know the details but she wants to produce songs for me.¡± ¡°Cody, that¡¯s amazing!¡± He rubs his head and leaves the kitchen. I follow him outside where I find his friend already packed up in a van. ¡°Hey Cody, what happened? Did you get the deal?¡± ¡°Yeah!¡± He smiles. ¡°Fuck yeah!¡± they all celebrate. ¡°Let¡¯s all get some dinner, yeah?¡± ¡°Sara you want to come?¡± I shake my head, ¡°I¡¯m gonna head home.¡± Cody turns to me, ¡°Are you sure? You¡¯re part of the team now.¡± ¡°Yeah,¡± I kick the floor, ¡°I have some thinking to do. Do you have my guitar.¡± I¡¯m given my guitar back and I order an Uber back home. All of this I come to find out happened within five minutes. It¡¯s absolutely crazy. It¡¯s a weird road of fate that I walk on. I want to accept that fate exists but how can I when I don¡¯t know where it will lead me. If this is fate, it has a funny way of working. I cancel the uber and start walking instead. I don¡¯t know even where I want to go but I just walk. The fourth song, ¡°Nostalgia,¡± it plays over and over in my head. I was walking through this darkness that I barely had a glimpse of. Now that I¡¯m alone and the song plays again I¡¯m able to go back and see it again. It¡¯s still and I¡¯m unable to move but it¡¯s all there. The void is there. Everyone is there but only Andrew and Freyja are the only ones who don¡¯t have a face. They¡¯re the void. I need to find them. Andrew¡¯s in New York. Jerrica is Emily''s sister. He¡¯s with them. He¡¯s okay. I¡¯m sure of it. All that¡¯s left is Fey. A few hours later I find myself in front of Freyja church. I stare at it without much thought. It¡¯s the largest church in the town and maybe even the largest building. I don¡¯t know how it works but I imagine her parents must be rich to have this. It¡¯s like one of them medieval cathedrals so I start to question if this really a modern building. It looks old. It shouldn¡¯t be this old, the town was built in the 70¡¯s. Inside it¡¯s even more amazing. Its lit up mostly by candles like I¡¯m in some sort of movies. The church¡¯s windows are decorated by all the different saints. My eyes move towards the altar. There isn¡¯t much on it besides the red sheets over it and a black book that I assume is The Bible. The lectern looks pretty standard and my eyes move towards the cross. Jesus Christ¡¯s eyes never seem to move away from me as I walk forward no matter how slow I move. His crucifixion is oddly beautiful. There¡¯s the organ nearby. It¡¯s plain wood and I bet it sounds beautiful. The church doesn¡¯t feel dynamic. It¡¯s quiet but there¡¯s few people here who are praying. I take a seat near the front and stare at the cross. I wonder what Freyja see¡¯s in all this. I wonder what would I be if my parents raised me to be religious. I would have met Freyja in Sunday School and would have become best friends at an early age. The religion would make me hate myself for being gay and I would hide it for that reason and not my brother. Our lives would have been so much more different if anything else would have happened. Maybe that scenario wouldn¡¯t be so bad, to have a secret love towards Freyja. I never really prayed before. All I really know is what I¡¯ve seen in media. I get down on my knees and close my eyes. There isn¡¯t anything I really want to pray about. Freyja comes to mind but I don¡¯t it would be appropriate to be selfish like that. I don¡¯t think that¡¯s how religion works. Instead I just wish for my brother to be safe. ¡°You know you can use a kneeler to pray so you don¡¯t ruin your knees,¡± a man says next to me. I open my eyes and see it¡¯s the pastor. He gets down on his knees and brings down a little lever that opens up a row of a cushion that I can use for my knees. ¡°Oh, I didn¡¯t know that. Thank you.¡± I say getting up and sitting down. ¡°I don¡¯t see many new faces these days. What bring you in?¡± I smile at him. This pastor doesn¡¯t have any hair and looks sick. His eyes are exactly like Freyja and he shares the same warmth she has. This is her father. This is the man who drove us away. He seems so kind. ¡°I don¡¯t know,¡± I answer. ¡°Are you another lost soul searching for the Lord?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know.¡± The pastor, Freyja father, sits down next to me. ¡°No wonder you came to this place. In this day and age most people avoid churches. A lot of people in this town are losing their faith. You never had it to begin with, it¡¯s why you¡¯re here.¡± ¡°How do you know that?¡± I wonder if he knows who I am. ¡°I don¡¯t mean to be rude but I have a feeling for these things.¡± ¡°How is that rude?¡± ¡°I didn¡¯t want to offend.¡± ¡°Oh. Is it because of how I¡¯m dressing?¡± I look down to my clothes. I¡¯m wearing all black with black boots. I¡¯m so antichrist right now that I have no business being here. Freyja¡¯s dad shakes his head, ¡°I do not judge.¡± ¡°You just did,¡± I giggle. He laughs too, ¡°I guess I did. But what is troubling you?¡± ¡°There¡¯s a void. It¡¯s deep inside and I don¡¯t know how to fix it. Or at least it¡¯s something that can¡¯t be fixed and I¡¯m just trying to find a way to live with it.¡± ¡°And you¡¯re here to see if you can find it here?¡± ¡°I think. I don¡¯t know,¡± I laugh nervously. ¡°I feel oddly connected to this place,¡± because of Freyja, ¡°I just thought something would happen if I came here, like magic.¡± ¡°And it didn¡¯t?¡± ¡°No. I don¡¯t think so. ¡°It often doesn¡¯t. People come here looking for answers and sometimes they get them right away, sometimes it can take months. This is place of reflection so I don¡¯t mind if they come just to pray.¡± ¡°I see,¡± I look down into my hands. He sighs, ¡°Y¡¯know, I was filled with hate for a long time. I thought that my point of view was the best but I was being selfish. Being in the hands of death can really humble of a person.¡± ¡°Excuse me?¡± ¡°I was diagnosed with terminal cancer a few months ago. I blamed it on my daughter and that wasn¡¯t fair. When that wasn¡¯t the case, I blamed on myself and lost myself for a couple of days. But God showed me the light and now I¡¯m ready to join him.¡± ¡°Oh, I¡¯m sorry.¡± Freyja must be stressed. Her father is dying and he¡¯s over here talking to me telling me has accepted his fate. I just want to hold her and tell it¡¯s gonna be okay. But Freyja doesn¡¯t want to have anything to do with me. After everything we shared she can¡¯t turn her back against everything she has and I now get it. ¡°It¡¯s nothing to be sorry for. But what I¡¯m trying to say is that God has a plan for all us. You stepping inside this places allows him to enter your heart in order guide you to your right path as he does to all of us.¡± ¡°Can I ask something that I probably shouldn¡¯t?¡± ¡°Go ahead.¡± ¡°Why is homosexuality a sin?¡± Freyja¡¯s father chuckles, ¡°Because it is unnatural. God intended for man and women. Anything else is not right.¡± ¡°I see.¡± ¡°Why do you ask?¡± ¡°No reason.¡± No. I¡¯m going to fight it. ¡°Actually. I believe otherwise. I don¡¯t think God would mind it. If two people of the same sex truly love each other, what the difference between that of the love of a man and a woman? Why would God not wish the happiness shared between to people? I think that it¡¯s an old way of thinking that doesn¡¯t reflect upon the modern world. Back then it made sense, but now not so much? The advancement of humankind made it such that we don¡¯t have to worry about much and can pursue other ideas besides procreation and survival.¡± Wow, I sound just like Andrew. I don¡¯t even care if Freyja¡¯s father kicks me out, I said it for me not for him. ¡°And even if it is a sin, who¡¯s right is to to question God for one of making his children gay?¡± ¡°Well,¡± the pastor rises from his sit. ¡°If you need me I will be around but we do close at nine. Thank you for coming.¡± ¡°No, thank you.¡±¡¯ I get home and Grace is in the living room watching a movie with Virginia. I don¡¯t really say hi and head straight to my room. Today was exhausting. I don¡¯t really know what I did as it seems all so random. I lay in my bed to go to sleep even though it¡¯s nine. Grace comes in a few minutes later. She apologizes. Sara XXIII October 10th, 2014 ¡°What do you think?¡± I ask Cody. ¡°What do I think? I¡¯m just wondering if you found what you were looking for,¡± He says taking a sip of his coffee. We¡¯re set to play in thirty minutes. It¡¯s another show. ¡°It¡¯s been a while, how are you holding up?¡± ¡°I¡¯m doing a lot better. I can actually wake up and not want the day to be over anymore.¡± ¡°That sounds pretty terrible,¡± Cody laughs. How rude. ¡°I thought it would be worse though. You were a mess when I saw you.¡± ¡°Hey, weren¡¯t you?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know what you¡¯re talking about.¡± ¡°Please,¡± I giggle. ¡°I¡¯ve seen through your facade, you can¡¯t really fool me anymore Cody.¡± ¡°I wasn¡¯t ever trying to fool you.¡± ¡°Bull.¡± Cody smiles, ¡°I think in high school, maybe, but not now.¡± ¡°What do you mean?¡± Cody takes a bigger drink of his coffee. ¡°Do I really have to explain myself? I was an idiot back then.¡± ¡°I guess not,¡± I laugh. I look around. No matter what time I come into this place it always seems to be busy. I wonder if Emmah is going to show up tonight. Grace isn¡¯t again. Even though we¡¯re talking again she still feels odd about it. ¡°Anyways, I¡¯m glad you¡¯re doing alright Sara. You look good when you¡¯re happy.¡± ¡°Are you hitting on me, Cody?¡± I joke. He just shrugs it off, ¡°I¡¯ve been told I¡¯m too charming for my own good,¡± He jokes as well. ¡°It¡¯s a curse really.¡± ¡°You¡¯re an idiot.¡± ¡°A devil.¡± ¡°Demon to some, Angel to others.¡± ¡°Where is that from?¡± ¡°Hellraiser.¡± ¡°Never seen it. What¡¯s it about? Also, are you watching movies again?¡± ¡°Yeah, I have. I¡¯m doing a horror binge lately. Hellraiser is just the most recent one I¡¯ve seen. I¡¯ve seen them all actually. The first three are the only ones that really matter. It¡¯s about this dude who¡¯s trying to find the ultimate orgasm and summons hell to give him eternal pleasure. But pleasure to the demons is the pain they pretty much kill him. He gets resurrected and he manipulates this woman to kill in order to get his body back. It¡¯s pretty good.¡± ¡°I¡¯ll give it a watch then.¡± ¡°Yeah, my favorite is the third one. There¡¯s this scene in there that¡¯s really fucking cool.¡± ¡°So what are you going to do next year? I say right now you have options. Community college, film school, or stay with me and maybe be my partner for my music deal.¡± ¡°What about your band? Aren¡¯t they part of the record deal?¡± ¡°They don¡¯t want it. Music isn¡¯t a passion and just a hobby. They all have lives they want to live. So how about it? I imagine being signed with Emmah¡¯s record is sort of a big deal.¡± ¡°A big deal? It¡¯s a major deal!¡± ¡°You still haven¡¯t answered my question.¡± Cody is serious. I don¡¯t know how to answer. I don¡¯t even know if I want to answer. ¡°Sorry, but I want to go film school. I like the guitar but I don¡¯t want to make money off it. It wouldn¡¯t be right.¡± Cody rests his head on his palm. ¡°Everyone in the world would take this opportunity.¡± ¡°Well, I¡¯m just like the rest of the band. It¡¯s not something I want to do. Like yeah, it¡¯s cool but I like film more.¡± ¡°I never thought you to be a film geek.¡± ¡°I didn''t either. To be honest it¡¯s an off-and-on thing. I usually don¡¯t think about it when I¡¯m depressed.¡± I¡¯m crazy. I¡¯m throwing away the biggest opportunity to do something I want to do. Reaching out to people through this sound is an amazing experience but that doesn¡¯t stop my fascination with movies. It¡¯s a fascination I share with my mother. I like the way they can tell a story and tell completely different ones with metaphors. I want to be able to tell my stories like this. I want to know how to analyze movies to better understand the second or even third hidden stories. ¡°You¡¯re an odd person, Sara.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t even start on who you are, Cody.¡± Cody laughs and sits up right. ¡°Can I ask something?¡± ¡°What?¡± ¡°How come you asked me about morning glory a few weeks ago?¡± ¡°She said you called her that, Ellie did.. Freyja thought it meant something more and called herself that. I just wondered if it meant something.¡± Cody shakes his head, ¡°I just told her that because I wanted her to think I was being cool and cryptic. I guess it worked too well. But if you think about it, it really works for you. Whatever you want it to mean, I think.¡± ¡°So I¡¯m sad?¡± ¡°It¡¯s much more complex than that. Blue flower to morning glory. No matter what happens you will always be fighting on the inside, you will always have that flower on the inside. You¡¯ll always love someone who can¡¯t love you back. It¡¯s something you¡¯ll forever live with.¡± ¡°If I¡¯m that, what are you?¡± Cody takes a second to himself, ¡°A forest fire,¡± he pauses. ¡°Was I a giant dick two years ago?¡± ¡°No?¡± Cody wasn¡¯t a bad person, he just pushed away Emily when he shouldn¡¯t have. It¡¯s really dumb luck that everything happened the way it did. ¡°I liked you the most out of Andrew and Chris in our group.¡± ¡°Do you miss it?¡± ¡°A little bit. It was really fun getting drunk and high every other night. But at the same time, I¡¯m glad we don¡¯t do that anymore. It was destroying our lives. I haven¡¯t been to a party in almost a year.¡± ¡°I went to one a couple of weeks ago. Grace invited me. It¡¯s still the same shit. I¡¯m glad we stopped when we did. Darkwood does fill cursed at times.¡± ¡°Online we¡¯re growing to become an urban legend. Did you know this town''s suicide rate is an average of 3 a year? That¡¯s three times as much as the average rate among any other town around.¡± ¡°How many people live in Darkwood?¡± ¡°About 40,000.¡± ¡°Damn that¡¯s a lot more than I thought lived here.¡± ¡°We¡¯re just as big as Issaquah but just more spread out because of the forest. Cody, we learned this in social studies. Did you not pay attention?¡± ¡°I never went to class Senior Year so.¡± I giggle, ¡°Well if you bothered you would have known this. Anyways, Issaquah averages about 1 a year. Crazy right? Last year was oddly high for us though, only 5 throughout the year.¡± ¡°Why do you think that is?¡±Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon. ¡°I think Elizabeth¡¯s death really shocked the town more than anything. People finally started to notice and reached out to the people who needed it. Even to this day, the entire town is taking it seriously.¡± Cody finishes his drink. I haven¡¯t even touched mine and now that I do it¡¯s a bit cold. ¡°That¡¯s kind of fucked up. Do people only notice when someone they loved died? This town¡¯s fucked.¡± ¡°I know,¡± I sigh. ¡°But at least something is being done about it. There¡¯s this article that was written a couple of months ago. This journalist interviewed someone anonymously. This anonymous person told him that his friend saved his life just by simply asking how he¡¯s doing each day. Simply being around those you love can save their life and I think that¡¯s what¡¯s important.¡± ¡°What is?¡± ¡°Virginia and Grace saved my life. They supported me through the worst time of my life and cared enough about me to not let go. They didn¡¯t do anything special but they constantly talked to me. Virginia especially, she didn¡¯t try to give me a reason why I shouldn¡¯t. She didn¡¯t give me fake words of promise saying things will be alright. She just asked why I wanted to and just wanted to know how she could support me through it.¡± ¡°That was two years ago, right?¡± Cody asks and I nod. ¡°And you tried again? Did Virginia force you to go to the mental hospital? ¡°She didn¡¯t,¡± I shake my head. ¡°That was the hospital¡¯s fault. They forced me to stay for a couple of days and I chose to stay for a few more.¡± Cody looks at me with his infamous eyes. Usually, I would hear about how they¡¯re always watching, curious, lustful, angry, or concerned. I¡¯ve only seen a few and today it¡¯s worrying. One thing I learned in my time in the hospital and through Fonseca is that it¡¯s okay to talk about suicide. I don¡¯t know why it seems like a taboo or awkward thing to talk about. Everyone gets suicidal thoughts at one point in their lives. Cody says, ¡°What happened that day? Did you actually mean it?¡± ¡°Of course I meant it. Virginia found me and I would have been dead if it was a minute or two later. She wasn¡¯t mad or disappointed in me either. She just wanted me to be safe and cried when I woke up. She told me that she¡¯s failing as a mother to me for not being around much. But she¡¯s a single mother who often works 12 to 14 hours a day so I don¡¯t blame her. That¡¯s not the point anyways.¡± Cody gives me a warm smile. He¡¯s happy that I¡¯m here. The feeling is mutual. This friendship has been incredibly short but I think I needed it. It¡¯s been so fast because I know the importance of it. ¡°I¡¯m sorry,¡± Cody frowns. ¡°Don¡¯t be, it was literally beyond your control.¡± ¡°No not that,¡± he chuckles. ¡°But I am sorry for what today is,¡± ¡°What do you mean? - I don¡¯t know why she¡¯s here. I don¡¯t know why she¡¯s so far in the back. I don¡¯t why I¡¯m so scared and the same time excited. Freyja Elledge sits in the far back of Storyville, near the entrance. Every time I glance over she¡¯s staring back at me with her mouth slightly opened. She¡¯s as beautiful as ever. Freyja now carries bangs instead of them parting them aside like she used to. She¡¯s dressed up nicely like she¡¯s going on a date and her makeup is light but highlighting the best areas of her face. It¡¯s a night and day difference since the first few weeks when I talked to her. She was a different person back then. Now it just seems she¡¯s the same as back. I don¡¯t know her anymore. I should just call her Jana Kramer again. I stand and don¡¯t move as the band members start to pack up. Cody himself helps out a bit and notices who I¡¯m staring at. Freya is specifically waiting for me as she doesn¡¯t move either. She plays with her hands and occasionally looks over at me. ¡°Go and talk to her,¡± Cody says to my ear. ¡°You¡¯ve been wanting this chance for a long time now. She¡¯s been waiting. He¡¯s right but I¡¯m still unable to move. It¡¯s not until Freyja gets up and tries to leave that I drop my guitar and chance after her. I catch Freyja already waiting for me just a few steps outside. She¡¯s even prettier up close. ¡°Hi,¡± Freyja starts. I just have a basketball in my throat so I don¡¯t say anything back. ¡°You¡¯ve gotten like ten times better since I last heard you.¡± ¡°What are you doing here?¡± ¡°I heard you talked to my dad last week.¡± So her dad did know who I was, or maybe he figured it out through talking to him. ¡°No, what I mean is what are you doing here?¡± Why now out of all of these fuckings months of not talking to me. She ignored every single text except the one where she told me to leave heralone. I just want to get angry. ¡°Cody asked me to come and honestly, I just wanted to see you, Sara. I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to say that I¡¯m-¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry, Freyja,¡± I blurt out. ¡°I shouldn¡¯t have been selfish and pushed my feelings onto you.¡± Freyja just stands a bit shocked, maybe a bit sad. I can¡¯t feel her as well as I used to. ¡°You didn¡¯t do anything wrong. I was the one who hurt you. I¡¯m the one who needs to say sorry. That¡¯s all I really want to do. I¡¯m so fucking sorry, Sara, for everything. I¡¯ve been so miserable without you, I can¡¯t imagine how it¡¯s been for you.¡± I stand in silence. ¡°How have you been?¡± I don¡¯t answer. ¡°My dad, he uh, told me that he met you. You showed up in our church just to pray. He told me what you talked about. He likes you,¡± Freyja laughs nervously. ¡°When we broke up, he got better. We actually thought he was going to beat cancer and for a second I thought that God really was punishing me. But it only lasted for a few weeks and now he gets worse every day. Turns out that it was just a coincidence.¡± Good. No, that¡¯s a bad thought to have. I shouldn¡¯t wish ill on people that have harmed me. ¡°My dad and I talked for a long time last Sunday night. I¡¯m sorry Sara. I let my father¡¯s words scare me and push you away. I thought it was my fault that he got Cancer. I let the idea of losing my comfort get to me. I let myself be controlled.¡± I scoff when I don¡¯t mean to. ¡°So what? You¡¯re just going to drop everything now and come running back?!¡± I want her to say yes. ¡°Can we go for a walk?¡± She asks. She bites her lip. Freyja is serious about this. I¡¯m afraid. It feels wrong that she¡¯s here. She shouldn¡¯t be here. ¡°Please?¡± ¡°O-okay,¡± I extend my hand and retract as soon as I notice myself. Old habits die hard. Freyja smiles and takes the lead. She doesn¡¯t wait for me and I¡¯m forced to catch up to her to keep up with her pace. ¡°What do you want, Freyja?¡± She looks over. Why does it feel like nothing happened, like the rest button can just be pressed like this? ¡°Can we be friends again?¡± Those words hurt. I want more than that. I want more than just her. I want to have everything I had before and more. Dreams shouldn¡¯t be real. ¡°No,¡± I say weakly. ¡°No,¡± It¡¯s more firm. Freyja frowns and slows down her pace. ¡°You know what I mean,¡± I choke up. ¡°It¡¯s okay, I get it,¡± She sighs. ¡°I wouldn¡¯t be friends with me either. I hurt you, Sara, I can never take that away.¡± ¡°No, it¡¯s not that.¡± ¡°When I talked to my dad, he told me that he shouldn¡¯t have kept me from being who I am. He said that he was wrong for judging me and that she should have left that up to God. We talked for hours that night. We talked about all the differences between religion and its branches. We discussed the ideas of the bible and the ideas behind it. To be honest I don¡¯t think I ever discussed any of it with my Dad. I was just told what I should be and want to believe.¡± ¡°What are you saying?¡± ¡°I believe in God. I don¡¯t believe that he has a say in right or wrong. I don¡¯t believe that he could control my life the way my parents believed. I told this all to my father and I thought he was gonna yell like he usually does. But he didn¡¯t, instead, he just held me. He said that he didn¡¯t want me to remember his last moments hating him.¡± I stop walking and Jana stops shortly after. ¡°You can¡¯t hit the reset button just like that, Freyja.¡± ¡°Are you gonna stop me? I¡¯m not afraid anymore, Sara.¡± I don¡¯t want to stop her. It¡¯s everything but that. It¡¯s just that dreams don¡¯t come true. ¡°Did you know that almost everyone who knows about Darkwood stops by the Diner and takes a photo by the welcome sign never actually enters the town? They either know there¡¯s nothing here or think that the town is actually cursed and want nothing to do with it.¡± ¡°Why does it have to be cursed? We can be the outlier, Sara. It can be a place where we can both grow. I still love you, I never stopped loving you. There isn¡¯t anything in the world I wouldn¡¯t do just to be able to hold you again.¡± I want to believe her words but my fucked up brain doesn¡¯t trust her. I always felt her presence flowing through my veins. Now it¡¯s overloading my brain and killing me. ¡°Don¡¯t you dare get my hopes up.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not. I won¡¯t. My father doesn¡¯t care anymore. He wants to meet you, formally this time. He wants to better understand what we have. He wants to be proven wrong and is willing to change for me.¡± ¡°Why?! Why now all of a sudden?!¡± ¡°Because of fate! Or God! Or it¡¯s all random but it doesn¡¯t matter. All I know is that I was slowly dying without you near me. You found a way to cure me out of poison only to further intoxicate me with something so much stronger. You have to take responsibility for that.¡± I scoff but maybe it comes out more of a laugh. I don¡¯t really know. It¡¯s absurd, Freya is my cigarette, my mourning glory. I¡¯ll never get sick of her. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, Freyja.¡± She goes limp and looks away. ¡°Oh.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry that I let myself become a mess after you had no choice but to leave. I didn¡¯t know I could love someone so much that wasn¡¯t my family. I¡¯m sorry I didn¡¯t fight for you and I even hated you for a bit.¡± Freyja looks back with a glow. The energy itself uplifts me and I think I¡¯m able to fly because of it. I let her get close, close enough where I can feel her touch without her actually in my hands. Is it funny this way? Is it funny that now that I can feel her breath is how I¡¯m able to believe there is purpose? Elizabeth was wrong, there is meaning in this chaotic life. It¡¯s not all worthless because if it was, then what is the point of ever being happy? What¡¯s the point of even being sad? These two very simple emotions make me human. It makes part of something bigger than I may never understand. Perhaps there is a God and maybe he is kind. Perhaps the beautiful grim reaper in the white dress isn¡¯t one to begin with. I begin to laugh. I laugh because I think I finally understand that everything will eventually be alright. So what if my mother was this depressed and miserable person. So what if I inherited her depression. So what If my mother¡¯s suicide caused my father to drown in his own darkness? So what if he raped me? So what If I had my heart broken? So what If my brother left to follow the love of his lif? So what horrible things continue to happen to me? I lived through all of it and now I¡¯m standing stronger than ever before. The world doesn¡¯t always have happy endings. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. Life can be unfair like this. But people also get happy endings all the time and life can be a fairy tale to some. I¡¯m sure everything won¡¯t be fine after this, but for now this is as good as I¡¯m gonna get. I hold Freyja¡¯s hand and her warmth has never felt so much like home. I kiss her and nothing has ever felt so welcoming and comforting before. I don¡¯t know what love is. I know the meaning of the word but I never felt it before. I don¡¯t know if this is it because I have nothing else to compare it to. I love my family and I can¡¯t imagine ever leaving them. I love my friends and even though we¡¯re all separated now I still hold them in my heart. I love my twin brother and we¡¯ve been each other¡¯s best friend since birth. There isn¡¯t person I trust more. Then there¡¯s Freyja. She¡¯s a combination of all of these and much more. She¡¯s so pretty, so gorgeous, so beautiful and sexy that I can spend an entire day just looking at her without losing interest. She¡¯s absolutely perfect and I think that¡¯s what love is. It¡¯s everything who she is and what she does and what she will do. I hope she feels the same about me. Freyja Elledge: Final October 5th, 2014 I don¡¯t know why I¡¯m here. I don¡¯t know why I keep talking to this guy but he generally likes to stick around. He¡¯s sitting in the far back of the diner like he always does. Usually, we talk at his treehouse but today he felt like the diner was a warmer option and one that wasn¡¯t as humid. Cody starts with, ¡°I ordered you black coffee. I noticed that¡¯s what you usually drink whenever we come here.¡± ¡°Thanks, Cody,¡± I say taking off my jacket and hanging it over the chair. I take my seat. ¡°So what¡¯s up? Did you get that deal with that label you talked about?¡± Cody nods, ¡°Looks like it,¡± he looks over my necklace. He has noticed it before but he always never paid much attention to it. ¡°Where did you get that necklace?¡± he asks before I¡¯m able to congratulate him. I grab hold of it. It¡¯s a bitter reminder of the relationship I had with Sara. Not only is it worth thousands because it belonged to Emmah, but it¡¯s also priceless because that night was a perfect one and I¡¯ll forever have it in my heart. ¡°At a concert. It was with Sara. I should probably stop wearing it,¡± I laugh nervously. Cody shakes his head, ¡°I wouldn¡¯t do that.¡± ¡°Why not? I should at least try to move on.¡± Cody just stares at me. It goes long enough for the waitress to hand me my coffee. I hate it when he does this. I have no choice but to drink and wonder what the hell is going on in his mind. ¡°I¡¯ve been seeing Sara a lot lately,¡± Cody says out of the blue after minutes of silence. ¡°Oh? How is she?¡± Really, I¡¯m dying to know. ¡°She¡¯s in my psychology class. She wasn¡¯t in the best place, but she¡¯s improving. She¡¯s in a good spot now, I think.¡± ¡°Oh.¡± I thought something like this might happen. ¡°You should go talk to her. I can set it up.¡± ¡°No thank you.¡± ¡°Why not?¡± ¡°I told you before. I¡¯m forbidden to ever see or talk to her again,¡± I sigh, finishing my coffee before I can even enjoy it. ¡°I don¡¯t want to talk about this.¡± Cody bites his lips and pulls something out of his backpack on the ground. It¡¯s a black notebook with his name on it. ¡®Cody Martin¡¯. ¡°Freyja, you running into me a couple of months ago was a coincidence. But the choice that I wanted to be your friend wasn¡¯t. There was a reason why I kept talking to you.¡± Cody pulls a wrinkled paper out of the notebook and hands it over to me. ¡°I don¡¯t know why I didn¡¯t give you this sooner. I guess I just wanted to see how things would play out. Or maybe I didn¡¯t want you to do anything rash so soon.¡± ¡°What is this?¡± I say as I begin to read. It¡¯s a letter in Sara¡¯s handwriting. It¡¯s written to me. I read it once, then I read it again. I can¡¯t understand what she wrote so I read it a few more times after that. Cody just watches in silence. After a seventh or eighth more read, Sara''s words start to cut into my skin. I can¡¯t believe she wrote this to me. It¡¯s crumpled up so she never meant for me to read it, so I don¡¯t understand why Cody has it. I read it one more time just to make sure it can break my heart. I give the letter back to Cody. ¡°Where did you get this?¡± ¡°I was behind her when she threw it on the ground. She doesn¡¯t know.¡± ¡°Is that why you¡¯re here?¡± Cody only nods once to confirm. ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡± ¡°You¡¯re a jerk. Why would you give this to me?!¡± ¡°Because despite what you think, Freyja, no one should tell you who you should be with. You two need each other and there is so much I can do for Sara before she starts to break again.¡± I scoff in disbelief. ¡°Wasn¡¯t it you that said I should let her go? You''re so, uh, ridiculous, y¡¯know? So you¡¯re helping her out? Why?¡± ¡°Because she never stopped being my friend. I care about her and I don¡¯t want to lose another person in my life if I can help it. Not like how I lost Emily. I was being stupid, bitter in my self-pity,¡± Cody pauses for my response but I just hold my hands instead. ¡°If I can¡¯t be happy, then at least I can make others happy.¡± ¡°That¡¯s not your job.¡± ¡°Freyja, gods are nothing. It¡¯s us who have all the power to change the world. There isn¡¯t anything else.¡± Along with all the mysteriousness of Cody also comes a side of him I never knew he had. Perhaps Sara and her friends knew but that¡¯s not who Cody was in school. Then Cody accidentally wandered into my life when I met him at his new treehouse and caused the second death of Elizabeth. This time around, I¡¯m glad the ghost is gone. It¡¯s no longer a poison that is slowly killing me. So now that Cody is someone I can consider a friend, he breaks the barriers which I held him against. Sometimes you really can¡¯t judge a book by it¡¯s cover. I guess I can say the same thing about everyone I became friends with last semester. ¡°God is not nothing, Cody. You know how I feel about this.¡± ¡°Well let me ask you this. When Elizabeth died, you lost your hope in him. You didn¡¯t believe he was even real after that happened. But you did a 180 and placed those shackles around you, so I ask why?¡± ¡°Why are you so anti-God? I lost purpose but I managed to find it back. You wouldn¡¯t understand.¡± ¡°I guess not,¡± Cody smirks. ¡°Sara is gonna play with me at Storyville this Friday. You need to come and just talk to her. I think it¡¯ll do you both some good.¡± ¡°Wait, what the fuck? How close have you gotten that you¡¯re letting her play with you?¡± Cody chuckles as if it¡¯s all part of his master plan. I wouldn¡¯t doubt if he had one but I get the feeling that he wouldn¡¯t bother. ¡°Relax, we¡¯re just friends and as far as I can tell, she¡¯s 100 percent gay so she wouldn¡¯t be into me anyways.¡± ¡°I wasn¡¯t implying that.¡± ¡°Oh you¡¯re just mad I¡¯m friends with her then. Gotcha.¡± ¡°No!¡± my butt leaves the seat for about an inch. I sit back down and sigh. ¡°It just feels like a betrayal, like you only kept talking to me because you want to fix us or something.¡± Cody shakes his head and lets it rest on both palms. ¡°I actually think you¡¯re a cool person, Freyja. And I don¡¯t really care if you do end up with Sara or not but Sara is my friend and I accept you both being miserable. You two never got real closure.¡± I look at the crumpled-up letter on the desk. ¡°My friends call me Fey. And is it true? What¡¯s in the letter, is it true?¡± ¡°What part?¡± I don¡¯t know. Did she really try to kill herself? Did Andrew really leave just like that? Is she back to doing drugs? Did everything she described actually happen? ¡°All of it.¡± Cody shrugs, ¡°I¡¯ve known her for five years now, she¡¯s not one to lie about things like that.¡± I regress into my seat. Compared to her, my problems seem so trivial. I see Cody¡¯s point. I left her so abruptly that I didn¡¯t give us enough time to talk about it. I thought it was for the best. ¡°What time does your show start?¡± Cody half smiles, ¡°Don¡¯t feel bad. Pain is pain,¡± Cody reads my mind. I sit back up a bit freaked. ¡°The show¡¯s at 6. I¡¯ll come a bit later than that so Sara doesn¡¯t freak out and try to leave before we play.¡± ¡°Okay.¡± I look outside the diner¡¯s window where a car parks close by. A bunch of jocks from Mickle Ray High pop out. They wear their letterman jackets like always and hang around the car. They¡¯re loud enough to hear from inside. The boys are waiting for the girls to show up. I know because I used to do these things before I exiled myself. Sometimes the people of this town can seem so regular it¡¯s comforting. Cody notices them as well. ¡°Something wrong?¡± I shake my head. ¡°No,¡± I¡¯m just reminiscing about the past. If everything can fall apart in less than a year, I wonder how much can change in the next four. ¡°Do you miss it?¡± ¡°High school? Fuck no,¡± Cody laughs. ¡°Maybe if we lived anywhere else, but here in Darkwood? Nah.¡± I know what he means. It¡¯s an idea that Sara has brought up multiple times. ¡°Being too afraid of the future stops people from being the best they can be. Fuck it, being too afraid holds people back.¡± ¡°Oh.¡± Elizabeth was afraid. She was afraid like how I am now. My father is going to die and only a miracle can save him now. I don¡¯t think I¡¯ve really accepted this. I still haven¡¯t gone to school so I can spend my last year with him. After that I¡¯m left to go anywhere I want with the money he is leaving me with. Hell, I don¡¯t have to go anywhere and I can stay here and never worry about a thing. This comfort is what¡¯s truly terrifying. It was so easy being complacent and now I just wait the day that will all change when my dad is gone. ¡°We¡¯re all the same really,¡± Cody carries on. ¡°We all want to leave and go somewhere. Anywhere.¡± -If you encounter this narrative on Amazon, note that it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it. My father knocks on my door. I open it, letting the light of the living room shine through for the first time in hours. My room was healthily silent before this with everything at peace. It was so dark that I couldn¡¯t make out where the wall was. Now everything is lit up with shadows to complement everything. ¡°Can I have a second?¡± My father asks. ¡°Sure,¡± I step aside to let him inside. My dad makes his way and sits on my bed which still needs to be made but at this point, won¡¯t. I¡¯ll be asleep in a few minutes anyway. ¡°What do you want?¡± He sighs, ¡°Fey, I¡¯m here to say that I¡¯m sorry.¡± ¡°For what?¡± I shrug. ¡°A few days ago, your girlfriend Sara stopped by the church. I think she was looking for you,¡± his words are too warm for him to be mad. I dropped my crossed arms and take a seat in the center of my bed. ¡°I got to talk to her.¡± ¡°Oh. I didn¡¯t tell her to do that. I just sent her a text one day to leave me alone, that¡¯s all.¡± My voice sounds much more panicked than it should. I take a breath to relax. Dad doesn¡¯t even sound mad. ¡°No, no,¡± he laughs nervously. ¡°She was very friendly, real polite despite what I thought.¡± ¡°Wait how do you know it was Sara?¡± ¡°Alex showed me who she was when you brought her up the first time, but that''s not the point here.¡± ¡°Then what is?¡± ¡°I like Sara. She seems to be a real nice person despite the way she dressed,¡± My father pauses and looks around my room, particularly at my posers. He clears his throat and holds my hand. ¡°I¡¯m going to die soon, Fey.¡± ¡°Dad¡­¡± He extends his palm out like a stop sign. ¡°No amount of prayer or miracle can stop it now. We¡¯ve all been dealing with it for the past couple of months and I know how hard it can be. I never wanted to leave you alone in this cruel world but I¡¯m going to be forced to. So I¡¯m sorry that I made you hate me. I don¡¯t want our last moments having you hate me.¡± ¡°Dad...I don¡¯t-¡± ¡°You do, Fey. I shouldn¡¯t have forced you into that ultimatum. It wasn¡¯t right of me.¡± He takes a deep breath as I hold mine because I don¡¯t believe what he¡¯s saying. ¡°I was wrong to stop something that was clearly making you happy. I was dead set on making you who I wanted to be. I was a dead set on you being the shining example that I left in this world. I never took into consideration of your feelings and dreams and I¡¯m sorry.¡± ¡°What are you saying?¡± My voice cracks. My dad feels the shaking of my hand and smiles at me. ¡°Please allow me to accept who my wonderful daughter is for my last couple of months. Fey, I just want you to be happy and I was the cause of your misery. So please allow me to learn a new perspective and teach me why you love this girl so much. After all, who am I to judge the almighty on his beautiful creation.¡± I involuntarily grin. I wipe away the tears and hug him. ¡°You mean-?¡± ¡°Yeah¡­¡± I hug him tighter. ¡°Oh my goodness, thank you, thank you!¡± My father chuckles and lets me go. ¡°I hope it¡¯s not too late for you to apologize to the girl. I would love it if she came over for dinner. I want to get to know her before I¡¯m gone.¡± I nod like a little kid as take out my phone to text Sara. I stop myself, ¡°What changed? Why now?¡± ¡°I¡¯ve been giving it some thought ever since I met her.¡± ¡°Dad, I...I...uh don¡¯t know what to say,¡± I exhale and smile or grin. I don¡¯t care. I draft a text to Sara but delete it soon after. After I told her to leave me alone, a text message wouldn¡¯t do. I text Cody with the news instead. ¡°Do you really mean it? You want to meet her?¡± Dad nods, ¡°If your love for her and her love for you is genuine, I have no right to take that away from you two. I want to better understand it.¡± ¡°Okay!¡± ¡°Still,¡± he pauses. ¡°I just want to know one thing, Freyja. Is it a choice? ¡°No,¡± I don¡¯t skip a beat. It¡¯s a valid point, one that I struggled with for weeks on end. It¡¯s not a choice that I love Sara this much, it just happened. It¡¯s not a choice that I like girls. I never found boys to be sexually attractive and never actually touched a penis before. I¡¯ve found myself in the position to have sex with a boy before but the thought of it always scared me off. I¡¯m still trying to figure myself out sexually and that¡¯s okay. I know that whenever I do think of someone sexually, it¡¯s always a woman and there isn¡¯t anything wrong that my parents did to make me think that away. I never had a traumatizing childhood, I never had some guy ruin me for everyone else. I just happened to always be like this. ¡°I think I was always scared to admit it to myself, but it¡¯s never been a choice.¡± ¡°Come here,¡± my dad just hugs me. ¡°I¡¯m such a jerk for not understanding.¡± ¡°It¡¯s okay,¡± I giggle. ¡°You don¡¯t have to. I just wanted you to tell me it was okay.¡± ¡°It¡¯s okay.¡± October 10th, 2014 Cody told me to wait to come back to Sara until tonight. I¡¯m nervous, mostly scared that she¡¯s going to reject me. Cody assures me she won¡¯t and fake confidence when I do talk to her. He says it¡¯s the best way to make sure Sara will listen. And listen she did. Her acoustic guitar was powerful, much more than the drums and the electric guitar that played with her. It reminded me a lot of Emmah¡¯s concert as I felt those strong emotions coming with the sound. I couldn¡¯t help to notice she still wears the necklace just like I do. Eventually, Sara noticed I was there and that¡¯s when her emotions stopped playing. Still, I waited for Sara to make the first move only because I was too scared to make mine. She found me waiting outside like I hoped and everything went from there. Now Sara is my home officially meeting my parents for the first time. It¡¯s too surreal to feel real as the minute pass. Sara gets perfectly along with my mother. The two talk like they¡¯re old friends and even share the same appreciation for movies. My mother doesn¡¯t even mention our sexuality during dinner. My father is a different story and it makes Alex almost spit out his water in laughter. ¡°So, I¡¯m curious about why you find my daughter so attractive,¡± he says. ¡°Dad!¡± I yell. My mother kicks him for me. ¡°Finn!¡± Sara just gently smiles and glances over at me. ¡°Fey¡¯s just wonderful. We understand each other. She sparks up the light in my world. Fey is too kind and caring and gorgeous as well.¡± My heart skips a bit. I blush and look down at the table. I can¡¯t believe she just said that. My mother giggles, ¡°That is wonderful.¡± My father doesn¡¯t say anything. He probably doesn¡¯t understand which is why he doesn¡¯t comment. ¡°It¡¯s so great that you two were able to work things out and come together again. You make Fey so happy, Sara.¡± I blush hard. ¡°Thank you,¡± Sara says with a light and warm smile. ¡°Thank you for having me.¡± ¡°Oh, it¡¯s not a problem, Sara. I¡¯ve been pushing for Finn to at least meet you for the longest time now. He can be quite stubborn, you see.¡± I¡¯m unsure whether Sara smiles out of politeness or not. She looks at my dad, ¡°I¡¯m sorry I didn¡¯t introduce myself in the church.¡± My dad just waves it up while drinking his water. ¡°I understand why you didn¡¯t. No hard feelings.¡± Sara shuts up and looks at the table creating a small silence. ¡°Sara, wanna become best friends and become my wing woman to pick up chicks?¡± My brother breaks the silence. ¡°Alexander!¡± My mother slaps his chest gently but laughs shortly after. We all do, even my father. It¡¯s a good way to avoid that awkwardness that was creeping up. ¡°Sure,¡± Sara answers sarcastically. ¡°So Sara, what do your parents do?¡± Mom asks. I knew they were going to eventually ask but I don¡¯t think I could prepare myself enough for it. Sara seems to be ready for it, however. ¡°My mom died when I was young and my father is in prison. I live with my adopting mother on Connolly Road.¡± ¡°Oh, um, sorry I asked.¡± ¡°It¡¯s okay.¡± ¡°Why did your father go to prison?¡± Dad asks bluntly. It¡¯s really inraging that it feels more like an interrogation than him actually trying to get to know Sara. ¡°He was sexually assaulting me.¡± My mother gasps and puts her hands over her mouth. Alex just looks away in discomfort. Dad just regrets asking. ¡°I¡¯m sorry I asked.¡± ¡°It¡¯s a fair question,¡± Sara responds. ¡°Sweetie, are you okay?¡± Mom asks. Sara nods with her eyes closed. ¡°It was a while ago. I¡¯ve gotten over it. Besides, I don¡¯t want to lie.¡± Sara looks at me with comfort. It¡¯s all about being comfortable with each other. Sara and I go up to my room after dinner. My dad tells us to keep the door open but my mother tells us the opposite and not to listen to him. Dad just sighs and tells us to stay safe while he grits his teeth. I don¡¯t know what they expect us to do. At least this isn¡¯t Sara¡¯s first time in my room so I don¡¯t have to stand there like an idiot wondering what to do or what to say. ¡°You¡¯re parents are really nice. Especially now that they changed their minds,¡± she says. ¡°Yeah, they¡¯re something,¡± I laugh nervously. ¡°Sorry I dragged you into this mess.¡± Sara looks at the floor and then at me while she bites her lips. It absolutely sucks me in. ¡°I didn''t think you were serious when you asked. ¡°I guess I was.¡± Sara looks over to the closed door and then back at me. She takes a sit on my bed. ¡°Do you know how often I dreamed that this could happen? That I can just come back like this so easily.¡± ¡°Doesn¡¯t feel real, does it?¡± Sara shakes her head. ¡°Just when I was learning to live without you, you come right back in.¡± I giggle, ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡± ¡°Fey?¡± ¡°Yeah?¡± ¡°I want to be in your life for a long time. And I hope you get to be in mine for just as long,¡± She smiles but it isn¡¯t confident. I guess it would be too much of a happy ending if we both get what we want so she doesn¡¯t trust it. I sort of don¡¯t either. ¡°There isn¡¯t anything else in the world that I would want.¡± Sara¡¯s body feels just as familiar as when I left it. Her skin is just as soft, her smell is just as entrancing and her lips are just as sweet. Unlike the two other times before this, this feels much more natural and instinctual. She giggles as I take off her pants completely off. Sara takes off her shirt and bra and seeing her naked body in front of me flicks a switch in my brain. There isn¡¯t anything in my mind besides her. I lay on top of her both completely naked for the first time. This is where I get to observe every inch of her wonderful body bit by bit with my fingertips and my lips. Sara just giggles as she pulls me in closer to pull my lips so gently with her teeth. I press her against my bed and our bodies hug the closest they have ever been. I feel like one person and Sara is just an extension of myself. Every time she giggles I¡¯m drawn in deeper and I don¡¯t think I can escape. Even if wanted to, Sara holds my head down to continue tasting my lips. I trace around her collarbone which sticks out ever so beautifully. This is the most beautiful part of Sara as it brings everything about her together. It amplifies her small neck and shines her breast aesthetically. I only hope I look just as good. Who am I kidding, of course, I do. I¡¯m irresistible to Sara as she can¡¯t keep her hands off me. Sara constantly whispers to my ears. She tells me I¡¯m perfect, she tells me she loves me. ¡°I love you,¡± Somewhere I break down crying because I hurt her. I left her alone and almost killed her because I was just afraid. I don¡¯t deserve this second chance. I don¡¯t deserve to be here right now, not after everything I¡¯ve done. And Sara just holds me. ¡°I love you too much to ever hold it against you.¡± Outside this room there is nothing. Outside of this house, there is empty space. Outside of this world is blank. Sara pushes me down and takes over. My back arcs and goosebumps travel throughout my entire body. Sara grabs my thighs and spreads my legs open as she wraps herself around me. I¡¯m unsure what she¡¯s doing until I feel it. Sara covers my mouth to keep my voice down. This is the first time¡­ In heaven, everything will be fine. This night I meet the lady in a white dress. She isn¡¯t here to take my body. She isn¡¯t here to tell me that it¡¯s time to go. The lady in the white dress stands in a bed of flowers all of which are red and pink roses save for one. She picks that lone one and hands it to me. She smiles and says, ¡°Isn¡¯t it great, isn¡¯t wonderful,¡± It¡¯s not blue. ¡°Isn¡¯t it glorious?¡± I say. The lady in white closes her eyes and nods only once. She isn¡¯t a ghost but a real person. She¡¯s real enough with white hair and flawless glowing skin. Her face is soft but so defined and symmetrical. It¡¯s gentle and warm. This is who Elizabeth was talking about. ¡°Isn¡¯t it Glory?¡± I take the white rose Final August 1st, 2015 It never goes away. It never fades into the back of my mind to be always forgotten. It will always be here, it will always be a part of me. This last year has proved that. I¡¯ve had some bad days, some good, and some terrible. I¡¯ve had the best time of my life but that never stopped the darkness from always being there. But that¡¯s okay because it¡¯s my darkness, no one else¡¯s. It¡¯s mine to hold and mine to explore. It¡¯s mine to travel through and learn and grow. Even when there isn¡¯t a light that shines the way, I¡¯m still able to walk forward no matter how scared I get. It¡¯s how I¡¯m able to stand this day without breaking down. Her skin is soft. It¡¯s so soft that I¡¯m often afraid to touch it because I feel like I¡¯ll ruin it. It¡¯s of a rose, so fragile but so gentle and a petal may fall at any moment. Just by the sheer act of touch that I¡¯m filled with the same high from any other drug that I used to be on. It¡¯s ecstasy, cocaine, I¡¯m drunk and high and out of my element when I¡¯m able to hold her. And It¡¯s raining down the hills again. There is nothing more romantic than saying goodbye in rain. The light rain covers us in our own little bubble outside the rest of the world. This is where she once said goodbye. Now, this is where we must say goodbye for a while. I let go of her hands and she smiles gently. Fey¡¯s eyes light up with bright amber and blink but keep her eyes shut for a least a second. I don¡¯t want to let go. I don¡¯t want to have to say goodbye. She¡¯s enough for me to give up on my dreams and stay in this cursed town. She insists that I shouldn¡¯t do that we can make long-distance work. I¡¯m going to Los Angeles and she¡¯s heading to Denver. We want to stick together but know we would just end up resenting each other for not pursuing our passions. It¡¯s mutual and we haven¡¯t cried about it. We both have things we need to focus on to grow and become better people. There¡¯s still a lot more I can learn about myself and the idea that Freyja and I are meant to stay forever in this town is a fantasy. We¡¯ll pursue our dreams, supporting each other each night. I know we can make it work but for now, we have this, one final day. Which is here on top of this rainy hill this afternoon. Now I¡¯m the girl with a tear in her eye. Fey giggles and wipes it off. We stand facing each other not saying a word. It¡¯s just the two of us sinking in the sand of our love. Maybe there is a world where we don¡¯t have to follow our dreams but I guess that is just a dream in my head. Fey pulls out a cigarette. She hands it to me and says, ¡°It¡¯ll make you sick.¡± But I¡¯m never sick of it. ¡°Just a spark,¡± I whisper and get a bit closer. ¡°You came in so fast and shook my world.¡± Freyja shakes her head. ¡°No, no,¡± she giggles. ¡°You saved me. You give me a reason to move on, even when my dad died, you still pulled me forward.¡± There are no words left to describe the love that omits out of Freyja¡¯s voice. I¡¯ve fallen so deeply in love that I¡¯m unable to wrap a sense of how I was able to live for so long without her in my life. Each kiss is a portal through infinity where everything has already happened. In that sense, nothing else matters and I¡¯m alright with that. Eventually, the rain starts to soak through our clothes and I¡¯m tempted just to push Fey down to the ground. I¡¯m sure she¡¯s having the same thoughts by the look in her eyes. ¡°It was not your words, but you¡¯re silence,¡± I whisper. She listens. From an outside perspective, this entire thing is cheesy and maybe a little cringy. It¡¯s why Fey laughs and says, ¡°What will you do without me?¡± She doesn¡¯t mean that and only says it as a joke. I don¡¯t let it get to me. ¡°When you feel like you lost yourself, please don¡¯t hesitate to call me. I¡¯ll always pick up no matter where I¡¯m or the time of day. ¡°Okay. Please don¡¯t forget about me.¡± Fey scoffs then laughs, ¡°Like I ever will.¡± ¡°Good.¡± ¡°I guess this is goodbye,¡± I nod once, frown than smile. I kiss her and whisper, ¡°Yeah.¡± ¡°I love you, Sara.¡± ¡°I love you, Fey.¡± We kiss once more. Maybe it lasts a bit too long but maybe it doesn¡¯t matter. Or maybe I just do savor it as much as I can before I¡¯m cut off. I¡¯m the one who let go first and upon one final, ¡°Goodbye.¡± One final look. We turn opposite ways and walk down separate paths down the hill. I¡¯m tempted to look back but we promised each other we wouldn¡¯t, so I don¡¯t and her last smile is burned in my brain. Her eyes closed, a big warm grin with heavy wet hair all over her face. A glimmer of hope and a rose towards the unknown. As I walk down the hill my throat goes dry and becomes itchy. It¡¯s only here now that I¡¯m breaking down the web I was caught and there isn¡¯t enough rain to cover up the tears starting to fall down my lips. I taste the salt and remains of Fey''s lips with the salt eventually overpowering the latter. Home is quiet. Grace is in her room being quiet. Virginia is in hers making a phone call. After a shower, I start to finish packing all the things that I neglected to do. Virginia comes in and reminds me that my flight is in three hours. Part of me hopes Fey will stop and say one last and real goodbye at the airport, but I made her promise she wouldn¡¯t. Once I finish packing, Grace helps me load everything in the car. Grace has grown beyond my wildest dreams. In a year, her resemblance to her mother has only become more and more similar. It¡¯s something I liked to joke about over dinner for the past six months. She hugs goodbye even though will be saying goodbye before TSA at the airport.If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation. I head back to my room where I¡¯m getting a skype call from Cody. ¡°This really it?¡± He asks. He¡¯s been visiting his brother in Boston for the past couple of days. I can see his brother in the background. He¡¯s playing some video games on his couch. ¡°Sucks that I won¡¯t have you playing guitar anymore.¡± ¡°You¡¯ll live, Cody. You didn¡¯t even need me in the first place.¡± ¡°Yeah, that¡¯s true,¡± he laughs. ¡°I¡¯m joking. We¡¯ll miss you. Good luck over there and don¡¯t become famous or anything.¡± ¡°Thanks,¡± I giggle. ¡°Look after Grace, okay?¡± ¡°Sure,¡± he smiles. ¡°Byeee!¡± I wave and I close the call when Cody waves back. ¡°You¡¯re still gonna be looking over me while you¡¯re gone huh?¡± Grace laughs from behind. It sort of makes me jump. ¡°You don¡¯t have to worry about me, Sara.¡± ¡°I know,¡± I laugh. ¡°But you¡¯re my baby sister, it¡¯s only natural that I worry about you.¡± Grace smiles and fistbumps me, ¡°Thanks for making me feel like a kid again,¡± Grace sits on my bed. ¡°How¡¯d the thing go with Freyja?¡± ¡°How we thought it would go. Romantic, tragic.¡± ¡°Ooh, like Shakespeare.¡± ¡°No one died, so¡­¡± ¡°Well, he never wrote about lesbians.¡± ¡°Pretty sure he did.¡± ¡°What, when?¡± ¡°Pretty sure it was The Winter¡¯s Tale.¡± ¡°I never read anything Shakespeare besides Romeo & Juliet.¡± That response makes me laugh. ¡°That¡¯s fair. I didn¡¯t either.¡± ¡°Wait so how would you-¡± ¡°It¡¯s called google, Grace. And it was just one article I don¡¯t know if it¡¯s true or not.¡± ¡°Oh.¡± ¡°Gonna miss me?¡± ¡°Little bit. What if Andrew comes back looking for you? Will you come home when he does?¡± ¡°Grace,¡± I giggle, ¡°I¡¯ll be back for breaks, don¡¯t worry. And Andrew isn¡¯t coming back. He¡¯s in New York and I¡¯m sure he¡¯s happy. It¡¯s what we¡¯re all trying to do, we all want to leave this town forever.¡± Grace frowns and gets up. ¡°He¡¯s still a jerk for doing that.¡± Yeah, he is. But, Andrew sent over a letter letting us know he¡¯s studying medicine over there and that we shouldn¡¯t worry about him. This was nine months ago and we haven¡¯t heard a word since. I suppose knowing he¡¯s finally living up to his potential is enough for me not to worry about him. ¡°I¡¯ll be waiting downstairs.¡± ¡°Okay,¡± I tell her as Grace leaves. Virginia gives me a big hug right before I get in line at the TSA. This is the first time I ever received a hug from her so I¡¯m not sure how to take it in. Of course, I hug back but I¡¯m unable to find the words to say to my mother. ¡°You take care of yourself, you hear?¡± She says without letting me go. ¡°Whatever you do just make sure you¡¯re safe and if you need anything don¡¯t be afraid to call.¡± ¡°Okay,¡± I laugh. ¡°You¡¯ve been so strong over the past three years, I just want to let you know how proud I am of you. You¡¯re my daughter in every right and I love you, Sara.¡± I choke up. Virginia has never been this affectionate before. Goodbyes are much harder like this. ¡°Okay,¡± I laugh again because I just don¡¯t know what to say. ¡°Have a safe trip.¡± ¡°Thank you, I will. I love you to bits, Mom.¡± She finally let''s go allowing Grace to jump on me. It¡¯s another strong hug that nearly breaks my back. ¡°Please, please call me every day. I¡¯ll miss you but if you ever even think of cheating on Fey, I¡¯ll cut you, bitch,¡± Grace giggles. ¡°I¡¯ll like to see you try!¡± ¡°Girls, please¡± Virginia interferes. ¡°Sorry, Mom,¡± Grace lets me go and wipes away her tear. ¡°Stay safe, Sara. I¡¯ll miss you.¡± ¡°I¡¯ll miss you too, Gracie. Love you.¡± I wave goodbye and get in line. They watch over me to make sure I get inside safely and soon enough, they disappear. My only choice after this is forward. Part of me wants to cry. Another wants to laugh. I stay silent as I wait to board my plane. Fey texts me to make sure I got to the airport safely. I send her a selfie. She calls me cute. I tell her that everything will be fine. In the middle of sending another text, I get a call. It¡¯s an unknown number but I instinctually know who it is. I don¡¯t waste a breath swiping on my phone to answer. ¡°Andrew?!¡± I hear his laughter. It¡¯s just like I remember it. ¡°A little birdy told me you were going to LA today,¡± his voice sounds just as I remember it. ¡°I just called to wish you a safe trip and to study hard. I uh, I¡¯m sorry I haven¡¯t been in contact. It¡¯s not that I don¡¯t want to, it¡¯s just-¡± It takes me a moment to gather my words. ¡°Are you safe?¡± ¡°Of course!¡± ¡°Okay, that¡¯s all I need to know. Thank you, Andy. It really means a lot that you called. I miss you. And fuck you too! You¡¯re a jerk for leaving.¡± All he does is laugh, ¡°I know, I know. I¡¯m sorry. I have just been trying to figure myself out.¡± ¡°I know your little secret,¡± I jokingly say snarky. ¡°Out of everyone in the world, Jerrica, really?¡± It takes a second for my brother to respond. ¡°I don¡¯t believe it either,¡± he snorts. ¡°She loves me what can I say?¡± ¡°Is that why you left? Is that why you haven¡¯t talked to us?¡± ¡°I wanted to see if I had it in me to love a woman.¡± ¡°And?¡± ¡°It¡¯s nice. How¡¯s Virgina, and Grace?¡± ¡°They miss you.¡± ¡°Yeah, I bet,¡± he sighs. ¡°What about Emily, have you seen her? Is she well?¡± ¡°Yeah, yeah she is. She can tolerate me now,¡± Andrew laughs. ¡°She regrets cutting you off by the way. I just thought you should know. She wants to make amends but is too embarrassed to ever send the first message.¡± I giggle. ¡°I¡¯m glad. Tell her I miss her.¡± There¡¯s a pause. ¡°Andrew?¡± ¡°Yeah?¡± ¡°I have to hang up now, I don¡¯t want to start crying.¡± My brother gives me a short but endearing laughter. ¡°I love you too. I¡¯ll be in touch more from now on, I promise. I¡¯m finally whole.¡± ¡°Okay, I¡¯ll be waiting.¡± I hang up. That was enough. I get up from my seat and stretch. I make my way to the food court where I stand next to the open glass. The rain has stopped and the clouds are parting to make room for the light¡¯s sun. I smile as the sun ray¡¯s get slowly closer and closer to me. I close my eyes and Freyja¡¯s smile shines through. Fin. Authors Notes Thank you so much to all the people that read this, it really means a lot. This was the conclusion to Sara''s story coming from, https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/49146/petrichor-act-one Act two focuses entirely on Grace, much like this did and I plan on giving everyone their conclusion with their own story. Sara''s was the first one I wrote because she was my favorite character at the timeIf you discover this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation. The goal of this piece was to personify my depression the best that I could and I think I did a good job on it. In case you''re wondering since this story is my most popular one, act 1 explores everything that happened before this one but I tried my best to make this standalone read. Hope I did a good job.