《In The Tall Grass》 Elizabeth I The sun is covered by dark clouds more often than not. I used to not mind it as it never got too hot in the summer or too cold in the winter. I liked the constant rain too. Nothing beats waking up cozily to the sound of light rain in the morning. It¡¯s the only time where the outside world is quiet. I grew tired of it. I¡¯m seen as perfect. I am. I was. Nobody thought I would kill myself. May 29th, 2012 I stared at the gray skies while I actively not listening to my friend¡¯s conversation. I followed them as we walked back inside the school after leaving during our lunch period. We were in the last week of our junior year and I couldn¡¯t have been more bored. I had an extremely successful year. I became the most popular girl in the school. Everyone wants to be my friend. Everyone values my opinion. Everyone looks up to me. It¡¯s everything I sought out to be, but I still feel empty. Just because I was the ideal I chased, didn¡¯t mean the people around me had the same pure intentions I had. I came to that realization that day when I found out just how much my friends were piggybacking off my popularity. They were jealous. They talked behind my back. They were never any real friends. They were just snakes in the grass. Megan was the biggest snake of them all. We were best friends for years and have known each other our entire lives. I thought there wasn¡¯t anyone else who I could trust more. And then I had to go find out the secrets she¡¯s been keeping from me. It was hard never confronting her about them. Our friendship was more important than the betrayal she did. My other friends were not better. A lot of the time it felt like they were in on it; that everyone knew and just never told me. Like Megan, they were using me just for the attention. I was growing tired of not knowing who to trust. I grew tired of being around them. I grew tired of the stupid gossiping and drama they got themselves into. I wanted something different. Cody was different. He¡¯s who I looked at when I entered the cafeteria. Cody was a lot like me, popular, but he didn¡¯t associate himself with my clique. He had his own, diverse, odd, and most importantly, not judgemental. They did their own thing and kept to themselves. Cody glanced over to me, catching me staring. It was only a glance but his eyes felt like they pierced inside of mine. It¡¯s his eyes that made him special. Meeting them makes it seem like Cody can look inside your soul like he¡¯s able to read you. It¡¯s like he¡¯s always watching, pensive and protectful. Like everyone else in school, we have known each other our entire lives. We grew up together in this small town of ours. We even dated in middle school. He was my first boyfriend, and I was his first girlfriend. We grew apart during the start of high school and rarely talked since. I thought he would be the perfect distraction from the frustration I was ignoring. It wasn¡¯t a mistake getting involved with him. It wasn¡¯t his fault for how things turned out. It was mine. I wasn¡¯t the perfect girl everyone wanted me to be. - Mom was like: ¡°You¡¯re seriously going to waste your life like your brother?! Your counselor called, she showed me what classes you¡¯re taking next year. Why aren¡¯t you preparing for university?¡±If you discover this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation. And I was like: ¡°Taking AP classes doesn¡¯t prepare you for any college classes. It¡¯s all a sham and I don¡¯t want to spend my last year buried in homework. It¡¯s not like chilling for a bit will turn me into Matt.¡± ¡°Oh like your life is so hard. You¡¯re acting like we¡¯re not paying for any school you choose either.¡± ¡°Uh, no.¡± I said, ¡°First of all, that¡¯s Clint¡¯s money. Second, I want nothing to do with him.¡± ¡°He¡¯s your stepfather!¡± ¡°Yea! And you broke up with Dad because he was in debt. You were being superficial, not me.¡± ¡°Oh, your entire life is superficial, Elizabeth!¡± My phone¡¯s vibration breaks the tension. ¡°Whatever. Megan¡¯s here. One more year and you¡¯ll get rid of me, tough it out, Mom,¡± I scoff as grab my stuff. ¡°And where do you think you¡¯re going?!¡± Her yell was muffled by the closing of the front door. ¡°Hey, you sexy bitch. Tonight¡¯s the night. Who are we picking to put under our wing?¡± Megan greeted me as I got in her brand-new car that her parents bought her. ¡°Not sexy. Bad. I¡¯m a bad bitch,¡± I said, fixing my hair over my ears. ¡°Do we have to pick?¡± ¡°I think Amanda¡¯s a good choice,¡± Megan drove us off to the kickback happening tonight, ¡°She¡¯s pretty enough.¡± She¡¯s talking about who I¡¯ll pick to turn into the Queen of the school once we graduate. It¡¯s how I was made one. The last Queen, Jessica Lynn, was my mentor for my sophomore year. Megan thinks we should make it a tradition. I shake my head, ¡°Amanda¡¯s too full of herself. She¡¯s trying too hard.¡± ¡°Oh yeah,¡± Megan laughed. ¡°What about Lindsey?¡± ¡°The eighth-grader?¡± ¡°She¡¯ll be a freshman after summer. I see myself in her. She¡¯ll do it. Amanda will be so mad. I invited her tonight.¡± I shake my head again. ¡°Jana Kramer.¡± ¡°Ew, the church girl?¡± ¡°She¡¯s the only one who makes sense.¡± ¡°But isn¡¯t she a super prude?¡± ¡°Not as much as you think. Besides, you¡¯re saying that like I¡¯m not.¡± ¡°Yeah, but you¡¯re different.¡± Megan parked alongside all the other cars encircling the campsite we always hang out at. The campfire was already going strong and the kickback was as well. It¡¯s nothing new. It was like any other night. I lived in a town called Darkwood. It¡¯s an hour''s drive away from Seattle, deep inside the mountains. There¡¯s a giant forest in the middle of the town that encircles it. The campground is inside and no one ever uses it. It¡¯s the perfect place to be rebellious teenagers. Darkwood is different than any other place in Washington. It¡¯s isolated. It¡¯s quiet. There isn¡¯t much to do and because of that, someone always has something going on. It doesn¡¯t matter if it''s a school night, there¡¯s no night that has an excuse to not get fucked up. Everyone drinks every night or gets high on weed. If there¡¯s a house party going on, people do harder drugs. Nobody cares. Everyone just looks for an excuse to cure their boredom. Darkwood was an urban myth because of everything that went inside. There wasn¡¯t a person that the town didn¡¯t corrupt. I was different. I never smoked weed before. I didn¡¯t participate in doing anything harder. The most I would do is drink, but I never blacked out before. I was always in control. While everyone started to party and experiment, I stood as the incorruptible. I was the exception to the myth. Being a prude is looked down upon. Anyone who was eventually succumbed to the peer pressure. I didn¡¯t. Everyone still tried, but never could. I was the good in a town so messed up. Tonight, everyone who¡¯s anyone has gathered. The campground doesn¡¯t get packed like this. All that means is more people trying to talk to me. I¡¯m not one to ignore them. I wasn¡¯t like my friends. Any attention I give is genuine, but I couldn¡¯t give that tonight. Megan¡¯s betrayal stopped me from caring about any conversation I was having. It¡¯s been weeks since I found out and she acts like she didn¡¯t do anything wrong. There hasn¡¯t been a hint of remorse or guilt from her. Her attitude bothered me even more while I watched her interact with my ex. They¡¯re talking to each other like Megan wasn¡¯t the person he was cheating on me the entire time we dated. I wanted to publicly out her, to put her on blast. The whole world deserved to see how much of a snake Megan was. But she was my best friend and I just wanted to move past it. Besides, what would everyone think when they found out that ¡®I¡¯, Elizabeth Wilson, was cheated on? What would that say about me? My hands were tied. ¡°Are you alright?¡± Cody asked me, catching me in a lull while I mixed a rare cocktail with hard liquor. ¡°Where¡¯s Emily?¡± I responded. It wasn¡¯t often that Cody came to these things alone. He¡¯s usually always with Emily, his best friend, sister, girlfriend, or whatever they are to each other. The two are inseparable. ¡°I don¡¯t think you care.¡± ¡°You¡¯re right, I don¡¯t,¡± I make sure to giggle. ¡°Want a drink?¡± Cody took a sip of the liquor in the red cup. I made it stronger than I¡¯m used to but he doesn¡¯t flinch. I¡¯m not able to keep a straight face drinking it after he handed it back to me. He chuckled and stopped when our eyes met. His eyes were more intense in person. They were pulling me in like I was being invited. He¡¯s been on my mind all night. ¡°You look different?¡± He said. ¡°What do you mean?¡± I asked, looking to see if I dressed any differently than I usually did. ¡°No, I mean, you look like you¡¯re walking out of the tall grass.¡± Elizabeth II Cody and I began talking after the kickback at the campgrounds. We kept our conversations light. He didn¡¯t try to flirt with me like every guy does. Most guys always gave me a good morning text or would try to ask about my day. They¡¯ll say anything just to get my interest. Something to get was all any boy would ever see me as, an object. They didn¡¯t talk to me as a person, Cody did. Even after I threw bait and flirted with him, he chose to ignore it. It¡¯s one of the two reasons why I accepted his invitation to hang out with him and his friends. I wanted to see where things would go. The other reason was that I felt that I was going to blow up on Megan if I kept hanging out with her. Emily opened her front door and welcomed me in. Her breath stank of alcohol and weed. Her room wasn¡¯t much better, but I was used to the smell. For once, nobody paid attention to my arrival. Cody was sitting on top of the front of Emily¡¯s bed with his weird friend, Chris, both focused on the fighting game they were playing. Emily sat on the ground with the only girl I had ever seen her be friends with and that girl¡¯s brother. They were in the middle of a game of Go Fish and had a bong prepped to smoke. I sat on the side of the bed next to them, a bit uncomfortable because I didn¡¯t know these people all too well. I knew Andrew the best. Nobody tries to flirt with me more than him. His voice can always overtake any noise in a crowd. He¡¯s the only one from Cody¡¯s friend group that hung out with mine. Andrew is the person everyone in town buys their drugs from. His twin sister, Sara, is the first to look at me. She was confused as to why I was there and sadder that it was me who was. We were friends for a brief moment the year before. I couldn¡¯t remember why we ever stopped. ¡°You don¡¯t smoke right?¡± Emily asked me after taking a bong hit. ¡°You don¡¯t mind if we do, though, right?¡± Andrew interrupted me from responding with his loud and obnoxious laugh. ¡°She¡¯s too good and better than any of us, ain¡¯t that right, Ellie?¡± ¡°I¡¯m more than the opinions of others,¡± I responded to him. ¡°I don¡¯t mind, Emily. Thanks for having me.¡± ¡°Thanks for coming. Hope you don¡¯t get scared off too much.¡± I chose not to comment. I wasn¡¯t one to judge anyone on rumors alone. Even if there was something to judge that didn¡¯t justify me treating anyone any differently. I was never one to start gossip. Cody¡¯s group was often talked about. No matter how hard anyone partied in Darkwood, it was his group that went a little harder. They went out more, drank more, and did more drugs. I would hear about parties they went to outside of our town and the rumors of what they would do. Of course, it was almost Andrew behind these myths. His name came up more often than anyone else¡¯s. Now that I was around them for the first time, it felt that they only were rumors. Cody sat next to me after Andrew took his place. Emily and Sara started to play another game of Go Fish which let us have our conversation without interruption.This book''s true home is on another platform. Check it out there for the real experience. ¡°I expected much more than this,¡± I told him. ¡°I didn¡¯t think you would come,¡± Cody responded his fingers lightly brushing my thigh as he stretched. ¡°Maybe I¡¯m full of surprises.¡± ¡°Surely this isn¡¯t better than Connor¡¯s party,¡± He laughed. ¡°Shouldn¡¯t you guys be there too?¡± ¡°Maybe we both have the wrong opinion about each other.¡± ¡°Maybe,¡± I giggled. ¡°Are you going to Alyssa¡¯s on Friday?¡± ¡°If you ask nicely.¡± ¡°Will you?¡± ¡°Of course.¡± Cody was much more flirtatious in person. Over text, he was so uninterested. The stark contrast made me question his motives. I chalked it up to believe that was his ¡®game¡¯. His methods were different but his goal was the same. It was new to me. But it was me who wanted it to be more than just playful talk. Cody sat down to take a hit of the bong while Emily stood to ask me, ¡°Want anything to drink, Ellie? I¡¯m going downstairs.¡± ¡°I¡¯ll go with you,¡± I invited myself. ¡°Okay,¡± I followed her to her kitchen where the bowl of punch everyone¡¯s cups were filled with was. I don¡¯t let her pour my drink and I do it myself. Emily adds a shot of Everclear of all things to hers but I don¡¯t comment. ¡°So what¡¯s the deal with you and Cody?¡± I asked. ¡°What deal?¡± ¡°You know what I¡¯m asking.¡± Emily laughed, ¡°I¡¯m the one who should ask you. You¡¯re the last person I expected to come tonight.¡± ¡°You¡¯re not mad or anything, right?¡± ¡°Why would I?¡± Emily took a sip of her cup. ¡°Cody and I aren¡¯t dating. You¡¯re free to do what you want.¡± ¡°Is that what you think I¡¯m doing?¡± ¡°Is it not?¡± I shrugged, ¡°I¡¯m not sure yet.¡± ¡°Well, you don¡¯t need my approval. You don¡¯t have to worry about me.¡± ¡°So there¡¯s nothing between you two? Aren¡¯t you guys like always together? And nothing has happened?¡± Emily laughed again then took a drink. ¡°There¡¯s nothing to worry about. ¡®Sides, I don¡¯t backstab my friends.¡± ¡°Friends?¡± ¡°We¡¯re friends now whether you like it or not. You have no choice now that you¡¯re here.¡± Emily¡¯s choice of words made me quiet. Her mention of backstabbing friends was too relevant for my liking. I got myself questioning in my head if Emily knew what Megan did and that¡¯s why she mentioned it. I was overthinking it but at the moment it felt like everyone knew. I couldn¡¯t help thinking that it was an open secret that was being kept from me. Insecurity wasn¡¯t like me. ¡°Don¡¯t think you can become popular off of me.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t want to.¡± ¡°Seems like that¡¯s what anyone cares about.¡± ¡°You just hang out with the wrong crowd,¡± Emily said. ¡°Nobody here cares what anyone thinks of them. That¡¯s what everyone fails to understand.¡± I always thought Emily was the way she was just to be different. She dressed in oversized clothes and was always against the norm. I thought she kept her dark red hair long and fluffy just to stand out. Turned out that she just did and wore what she liked. I was wrong about her and I also started to like that I was. I realized that I still had prejudices and misconceptions about people despite pretending that I didn¡¯t. The cracks in this perfect persona that was built around me started to show. And honestly? It was a relief that I didn¡¯t have to wear it around Cody and his friends. I stuck around after learning that. Elizabeth III Cody and I began talking after the kickback at the campgrounds. We kept our conversations light. He didn¡¯t try to flirt with me like every guy does. Most guys always gave me a good morning text or would try to ask about my day. They¡¯ll say anything just to get my interest. Something to get was all any boy would ever see me as, an object. They didn¡¯t talk to me as a person, Cody did. Even after I threw bait and flirted with him, he chose to ignore it. It¡¯s one of the two reasons why I accepted his invitation to hang out with him and his friends. I wanted to see where things would go. The other reason was that I felt that I was going to blow up on Megan if I kept hanging out with her. Emily opened her front door and welcomed me in. Her breath stank of alcohol and weed. Her room wasn¡¯t much better, but I was used to the smell. For once, nobody paid attention to my arrival. Cody was sitting on top of the front of Emily¡¯s bed with his weird friend, Chris, both focused on the fighting game they were playing. Emily sat on the ground with the only girl I had ever seen her be friends with and that girl¡¯s brother. They were in the middle of a game of Go Fish and had a bong prepped to smoke. I sat on the side of the bed next to them, a bit uncomfortable because I didn¡¯t know these people all too well. I knew Andrew the best. Nobody tries to flirt with me more than him. His voice can always overtake any noise in a crowd. He¡¯s the only one from Cody¡¯s friend group that hung out with mine. Andrew is the person everyone in town buys their drugs from. His twin sister, Sara, is the first to look at me. She was confused as to why I was there and sadder that it was me who was. We were friends for a brief moment the year before. I couldn¡¯t remember why we ever stopped. ¡°You don¡¯t smoke right?¡± Emily asked me after taking a bong hit. ¡°You don¡¯t mind if we do, though, right?¡± Andrew interrupted me from responding with his loud and obnoxious laugh. ¡°She¡¯s too good and better than any of us, ain¡¯t that right, Ellie?¡± ¡°I¡¯m more than the opinions of others,¡± I responded to him. ¡°I don¡¯t mind, Emily. Thanks for having me.¡± ¡°Thanks for coming. Hope you don¡¯t get scared off too much.¡± I chose not to comment. I wasn¡¯t one to judge anyone on rumors alone. Even if there was something to judge that didn¡¯t justify me treating anyone any differently. I was never one to start gossip. Cody¡¯s group was often talked about. No matter how hard anyone partied in Darkwood, it was his group that went a little harder. They went out more, drank more, and did more drugs. I would hear about parties they went to outside of our town and the rumors of what they would do. Of course, it was almost Andrew behind these myths. His name came up more often than anyone else¡¯s. Now that I was around them for the first time, it felt that they only were rumors. Cody sat next to me after Andrew took his place. Emily and Sara started to play another game of Go Fish which let us have our conversation without interruption.Unauthorized tale usage: if you spot this story on Amazon, report the violation. ¡°I expected much more than this,¡± I told him. ¡°I didn¡¯t think you would come,¡± Cody responded his fingers lightly brushing my thigh as he stretched. ¡°Maybe I¡¯m full of surprises.¡± ¡°Surely this isn¡¯t better than Connor¡¯s party,¡± He laughed. ¡°Shouldn¡¯t you guys be there too?¡± ¡°Maybe we both have the wrong opinion about each other.¡± ¡°Maybe,¡± I giggled. ¡°Are you going to Alyssa¡¯s on Friday?¡± ¡°If you ask nicely.¡± ¡°Will you?¡± ¡°Of course.¡± Cody was much more flirtatious in person. Over text, he was so uninterested. The stark contrast made me question his motives. I chalked it up to believe that was his ¡®game¡¯. His methods were different but his goal was the same. It was new to me. But it was me who wanted it to be more than just playful talk. Cody sat down to take a hit of the bong while Emily stood to ask me, ¡°Want anything to drink, Ellie? I¡¯m going downstairs.¡± ¡°I¡¯ll go with you,¡± I invited myself. ¡°Okay,¡± I followed her to her kitchen where the bowl of punch everyone¡¯s cups were filled with was. I don¡¯t let her pour my drink and I do it myself. Emily adds a shot of Everclear of all things to hers but I don¡¯t comment. ¡°So what¡¯s the deal with you and Cody?¡± I asked. ¡°What deal?¡± ¡°You know what I¡¯m asking.¡± Emily laughed, ¡°I¡¯m the one who should ask you. You¡¯re the last person I expected to come tonight.¡± ¡°You¡¯re not mad or anything, right?¡± ¡°Why would I?¡± Emily took a sip of her cup. ¡°Cody and I aren¡¯t dating. You¡¯re free to do what you want.¡± ¡°Is that what you think I¡¯m doing?¡± ¡°Is it not?¡± I shrugged, ¡°I¡¯m not sure yet.¡± ¡°Well, you don¡¯t need my approval. You don¡¯t have to worry about me.¡± ¡°So there¡¯s nothing between you two? Aren¡¯t you guys like always together? And nothing has happened?¡± Emily laughed again then took a drink. ¡°There¡¯s nothing to worry about. ¡®Sides, I don¡¯t backstab my friends.¡± ¡°Friends?¡± ¡°We¡¯re friends now whether you like it or not. You have no choice now that you¡¯re here.¡± Emily¡¯s choice of words made me quiet. Her mention of backstabbing friends was too relevant for my liking. I got myself questioning in my head if Emily knew what Megan did and that¡¯s why she mentioned it. I was overthinking it but at the moment it felt like everyone knew. I couldn¡¯t help thinking that it was an open secret that was being kept from me. Insecurity wasn¡¯t like me. ¡°Don¡¯t think you can become popular off of me.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t want to.¡± ¡°Seems like that¡¯s what anyone cares about.¡± ¡°You just hang out with the wrong crowd,¡± Emily said. ¡°Nobody here cares what anyone thinks of them. That¡¯s what everyone fails to understand.¡± I always thought Emily was the way she was just to be different. She dressed in oversized clothes and was always against the norm. I thought she kept her dark red hair long and fluffy just to stand out. Turned out that she just did and wore what she liked. I was wrong about her and I also started to like that I was. I realized that I still had prejudices and misconceptions about people despite pretending that I didn¡¯t. The cracks in this perfect persona that was built around me started to show. And honestly? It was a relief that I didn¡¯t have to wear it around Cody and his friends. I stuck around after learning that. Elizabeth IV During my parent¡¯s nasty divorce, my mother kicked my brother out of our house. The only way my brother could cope with all the constant fighting was with drugs. I never knew about it. Matt hid it so well. Mom found his stash in between his bed mattress. I never saw him again after that. Mom liked to remind me constantly that Matt is out there begging for money so he can get sauced up. I liked to remind myself that I won¡¯t do anything that may lead to addiction like that. Drugs ripped my best friend away from me. Matthew was seven years older than me but was the best big brother I could ever have. My strongest memory of him was when we were at the town¡¯s fair on the fourth of July. I was nine and Mom and Dad only wanted to stay for an hour because they didn''t want to spend that much money. Matthew, being the sweetheart he was, paid for me to have one of those unlimited ride passes. Even after Mom and Dad left, he stayed by my side so I could have as much fun as possible. There was this one game that had this giant-sized teddy bear that I just needed to have. I kept bugging Matthew to win it for me but he refused. Instead, he let me try to get it for myself. He must have spent around forty dollars on me on just my attempts before he got impatient and played for me. It took him about twenty more before he won. I felt bad that he spent so much money on me but he just told me, ¡°The smile on your face makes it all worth it, Ellie. Don¡¯t worry about it.¡± So I never appreciated it when Mom talked bad about him. ¡°I saw Matt today. He¡¯s still begging for money out in the streets of Seattle,¡± she snickered that morning. ¡°He saw me and tried to approach me¡± I got out of my seat and left the kitchen and was like: ¡°Do you really have to laugh at him at every chance you get?¡± She¡¯s like: ¡°I¡¯m not the one who threw my life away.¡± ¡°Maybe he just needs help! Did you even consider sending him to rehab before you threw him out?!¡± ¡°We don¡¯t give second chances in this household. Now, I don¡¯t want to talk about this anymore, we¡¯re just gonna fight again,¡± Mom paused. ¡°It¡¯s not too late to go to Ibiza with us for the summer, Elizabeth. Clint thinks it¡¯s a good chance to explore your options on what you want to do later in life. Certainly, you¡¯ll have more fun in Spain than here.¡± ¡°Ew, no, I don¡¯t want to go anywhere with Clint.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not gonna make the offer again. It¡¯s Spain, darling. Ibiza.¡± ¡°I¡¯ll be fine here.¡± If I had gone with them to Spain, everything would have been different. There¡¯s no point in what-ifs anyway. ¡°Suit yourself. You have until tomorrow to change your mind.¡± That was the last morning I saw my mother. That morning was also the last day I stayed friends with Megan. ¡°Have you been ignoring me?!¡± She said outside of my house. ¡°Don¡¯t tell me you¡¯ve gone dark on social media. You haven¡¯t posted anything, and I mean anything in days. People think you¡¯re dead!¡± ¡°I¡¯ve been busy.¡± ¡°With what? It¡¯s not Cody, is it?¡± I shrugged, ¡°Kind of,¡± ¡°Ugh, I can¡¯t believe you. Looks like I have to take your spot this year.¡± ¡°Excuse me?¡± ¡°I¡¯m just saying,¡± Megan had her snarky, judgmental voice. ¡°You haven¡¯t really been keeping the plebeians in check. I¡¯ll have to take over and do that for you.¡± ¡°Ew who says plebeians? And who cares? It¡¯s just high school. No one is going to remember who we are after we graduate.¡± Raising my voice at her felt good. The words came out before I even thought of them. I was ready to just explode at her for being such a snake in the grass. I couldn¡¯t stay quiet any longer. ¡°Um, hello? Elizabeth? The future doesn¡¯t matter because we¡¯re not in it. We have a reputation to uphold and you¡¯re breaking it.¡± ¡°Just how you broke my trust when you slept with Chad?¡± Megan became stunned really fast, sudden enough for her to take a step back. It took her a second but she regained her composure by scoffing and flipping her blonde hair back. ¡°I guess it wouldn¡¯t be kept secret for too long. You weren¡¯t fucking him, so I fulfilled what you didn¡¯t, like always.¡± ¡°Ugh, I can¡¯t believe you. You only care about yourself. You¡¯re such a bitch!¡± ¡°Uh, and you¡¯re not the same?¡± No. I¡¯m above it all. I always have been better than that. I¡¯m not a bitch to people like Megan. I tried to be friendly with everyone. That¡¯s what makes me more likable than Megan. But it was just a front, a show everyone expected me to have. I couldn¡¯t let my real thoughts and opinions out of my mind. I saw an out, and I was taking it. I didn¡¯t want this anymore. I didn¡¯t want to be the Golden Girl. Yeah, I liked the power but it¡¯s too stressful. ¡°Fuck you, Megan. Don¡¯t you ever fucking talk to me again, I¡¯m done with your fake bitch-ass. Do whatever the fuck you want!¡± I yelled, shutting my front door between us. Megan¡¯s a bitch. Was fckin chad while we were tghtr. Did u know? I texted Alyssa and Jana Kramer. WTF? NO! R u ok?Unauthorized usage: this narrative is on Amazon without the author''s consent. Report any sightings. Jana Kramer replied. Meet @ camp in 30? Alyssa replied: LOL no. Tell us all bout it w/ we get ther I said: Ugh. Someone bring booze. Jana Kramer and Alyssa are there in exactly thirty-three minutes. ¡°Girl, Emmah¡¯s new song is so fire,¡± Alyssa said to me after getting out of her car with Jana Kramer. Whenever I feel down, I listen to my favorite artist. Emmah¡¯s songs had a calming feel to them. They were warm like the sound was breathing and alive. Not a lot of people shared the same emotions as I had. Alyssa did. ¡°What happened?¡± Jana Kramer asked, hugging me .I wanted to tell them first before anyone else found out. I explained everything and how I found out. I was still unsure if they were genuine friends but that doubt quickly faded away. While everyone was trying to get a hold of me to get more details now that Megan wasn¡¯t keeping it a secret, nobody asked how I was doing. They were all too busy trying to decide which side to pick. ¡°We could totally spread a rumor that Megan got an STD from Chad, ¡°Jana Kramer suggested. ¡°Don¡¯t be an idiot, Jana. They¡¯ll just think Ellie has it too.¡± ¡°Oh yeah.¡± ¡°Guys, we don¡¯t have to do anything. She¡¯s not our friend anymore. People only liked Megan cause of me. Everyone will see her true colors soon enough,¡± I broke my long silence. ¡°You really think?¡± ¡°Are you really doubting me? I predicted snap like two years before it came.¡± ¡°Oh yeah.¡± I get a text from Cody. In the chaos of the morning, I forgot that we¡¯re supposed to hang out at Emily¡¯s tonight. ¡°Can I get a ride later?¡± I ask Alyssa. ¡°Where too?¡± ¡°Cody¡¯s.¡± Alyssa''s mouth dropped open as a joke, ¡°You¡¯re being sex-positive?¡± I laughed, something I needed today. ¡°It¡¯s summer baby. It¡¯s the perfect time to be sex-positive. Did you hook up with Mark, Jana Kramer?¡± ¡°What?!¡± she jerked up, caught off guard. ¡°Oh, uh, no. I don¡¯t think I¡¯m ready for all that.¡± Alyssa laughed, ¡°Aren¡¯t you like Catholic anyways?¡± ¡°Christian, but yeah, I think I¡¯ll wait for marriage.¡± ¡°Is that why you don¡¯t do anything?¡± I asked. Jana Kramer happily nodded, ¡°Yup!¡± - My ears were ringing too loudly to hear the conversation around me. I still felt like I didn¡¯t belong but nobody cared that I was at Emily¡¯s. I was left alone. Nobody wanted to know what happened between me and Megan earlier in the day. We were all sitting in a circle on Emily¡¯s floor. They were playing a drinking game along with Uno. The only one not participating was Chris who was on the bed playing a video game. I was the only one not drinking and like always, not smoking. ¡°Can I have I hit?¡± I asked. The room fell silent as nobody could believe the words that came out of my mouth. Andrew broke the tension with his laughter, ¡°Fuckin¡¯ hell, Ellie! Never thought the day would come!¡± ¡°Are you sure?¡± Cody asked me. I nodded. I looked down, uncomfortable that everyone''s eyes weren¡¯t shying away from me. The only one not paying attention to me was Chris, but he never paid attention to anything. Andrew began to prep the pipe¡¯s bowl. ¡°You don¡¯t have to,¡± Emily said. ¡°I know. I want to.¡± ¡°Stop trying to take this away from me!¡± Andrew laughed, handing me the pipe. ¡°I¡¯ll light it up for you, just inhale.¡± My eyes were on Cody while I smoked for the very first time. I couldn¡¯t tell what he was thinking. He looked disappointed. He looked curious. I couldn¡¯t tell which he was. The harsh and musky smoke overpowered my throat in less than a second and I started to cough. It tasted like shit but what could have I expected? Sara clapped, taking the pipe away from me so she could smoke it next. My coughing only got worse and started to hurt as my mouth dried up. I expected this, but it was worse than I thought. And yet my violent coughing became irrelevant as the high was building up inside my head and it was turning it so...calm. My body felt heavier like I was submerged in a pool but the world around me only got a little bit brighter. ¡°So how is it?¡± Emily asked. My response felt longer than it was like I couldn¡¯t think as fast. ¡°I feel ugly.¡± ¡°Welcome to the real world, Elizabeth,¡± Andrew laughed. I found it funny and it made me laugh. ¡°Do you like it?¡± Cody asked me. ¡°I don¡¯t know yet. First time.¡± ¡°And to many more,¡± Andrew cheered. - Cody pulled me outside, I don¡¯t know, hours later? ¡°You don¡¯t have to smoke if you don¡¯t want to,¡± he told me. ¡°I know, I know. I just wanted to today, y¡¯know?¡± ¡°Is it about Megan?¡± ¡°Maybe.¡± ¡°Is that what you want? To not be that girl anymore? It¡¯s why you smoked?¡± I laughed. ¡°I don¡¯t know what I want, Cody. Let¡¯s leave it at that. But what about you? You let me do my little ¡®revolution. Now that we¡¯re ¡®together¡¯ or whatever this is, what made you want me?¡± ¡°Are we together?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know, you tell me.¡± ¡°Do you want to?¡± ¡°Do you have any reason not to?¡± Cody chuckled, ¡°You know, sometimes I feel like we live in that small town where horror movies or those thrillers movies happen. The rainy weather makes it so perfect. I wanted something cool to happen. I was getting bored.¡± ¡°So I was just for your entertainment? Typical boys,¡± I scoffed, looking away. ¡°You weren¡¯t the person I thought you were, Ellie. I¡¯m glad you proved me wrong.¡± ¡°Then what is it you want?¡± ¡°Be with me.¡± ¡°Okay.¡± I didn¡¯t know what else to say. Cody stayed silent too. I looked up towards the sky and saw the only thing I always saw, a clouded night. The only difference now was that I wasn¡¯t chained to be someone I didn¡¯t want to be. ¡°This town, you¡¯re right. It is one of those towns. It wouldn¡¯t surprise me at all where some kid shows up dead in a forest and there''s this big mystery around it that just uncovers all the scandals this town has to hold,¡± I sighed. ¡°Do you hate it here?¡± ¡°Yeah. You?¡± ¡°No. Do you know that smell every time it rains after it hasn¡¯t for a long time? It¡¯s called petrichor, and it¡¯s one of my favorite things in the world.¡± ¡°What are the others?¡± ¡°The smell of forest fires. There¡¯s no name for that or at least from what I could Google.¡± ¡°Why?¡± ¡°You ever smell one? Have you ever seen one? The smoke, it¡¯s so deceitful. It¡¯s sweet and welcoming but the reality is that it¡¯s just destruction. The fire is destruction.¡± ¡°Is it beautiful?¡± ¡°A forest fire?¡± ¡°Yes.¡± ¡°Nothing else compares.¡± Cody kissed me softly on my lips. I¡¯m sucked in and wanted more but I held myself back. I liked it when Cody talked beautifully. I liked how he described things and made them more poetic than they were. Cody isn¡¯t anything like I remember him being like. He¡¯s more confident and assertive. He¡¯s become a natural at it so it was only natural I would eventually be drawn in. Cody was interesting, and I liked interesting. And now he was my boyfriend again. ¡°You left the tall grass,¡± he said. ¡°I never had a fork on my tongue.¡± ¡°Right,¡± Cody chuckled, meeting my eyes. I looked away. They were quicksand and I was going to be sucked in if I lingered too much. It was hard to look at him. Cody found it amusing and it was becoming embarrassing. On the edge where the porch and the grass meet, I spot a single flower growing out of it. It was out of place. It was calling out for me. A blue flower. Elizabeth V Me: Did u c what that bitch Megan posted???!!!! Jana Kramer: OMG! How could she do that? Alyssa: Ugh. how petty Me: she srsly think she can fuck w/ me??? Alyssa: what are you gonna do? Me: I wanted to be civil but that hoe is giving me no choice Jana Kramer: Can¡¯t wait lmaooo. Keep us posted xoxo That bitch Megan tried to slander me on Facebook by twisting the story of what she did. She told everyone that I only dated Chad because I knew she was into him. She kept posting lies about how I always forced the spotlight off her. She asked everyone to expose me and teach me a lesson. #hypocrite #liar #Elizabethaslut. Everyone jumped on the hater train. All the girls who were jealous of me posted their own lies about me on the thread. They said and twisted anything just to make me look back. Anything to bring me down to their level. But it was easy to ignore them all when they were all lies. There was only one comment that got under my skin. It was from Jessica Lynn, a graduate who I thought was my friend. I saw Elizabeth kiss some girl in the locker room at the beginning of last year. Pretty intensely too, hoooow scandalous. What else is she hiding? It was 2012 and we lived in progressive Washington, hardly anyone cared if someone was gay. But this was me who Jessica was accusing. It mattered because it was me. It was the largest crack on the perfect image that I crafted. And because it was Jessica who was sharing this, it was the most believable. After all, she was the Queen before I was. But I didn¡¯t have to keep the perfect image everyone saw me as. I didn¡¯t want to anymore. I could have easily ignored Jessica¡¯s post like every other, but I couldn¡¯t. I couldn¡¯t because it was true. I texted the only person I knew who was evil enough to help me get revenge on Megan. Me: Want to cause some diabolical chaos!?? Andrew Dis bout that megan¡¯s post? Me: yes. Andrew: I¡¯m game, wat du u have in mind? Me: meet me in 30. diner. Andrew: Ight. In the only exit out of town, off the ramp from the interstate, Darkwood¡¯s Diner stays open 24/7. Along with the campgrounds, the diner is a popular place to gather. Andrew made me wait over an hour before he showed up. Andrew is a loose cannon. He does and says whatever he wants. Andrew doesn¡¯t care about anyone¡¯s feelings. He¡¯ll do anything as long as he finds it funny and entertaining. He was the perfect person to help me. He craves chaos. ¡°Please tell me you ain''t actually gay,¡± Andrew laughed, taking his seat in front of me. ¡°Does it matter?¡± ¡°Little bit. Don¡¯t like faggots. Are you?¡± ¡°No.¡± ¡°Good. What do you have planned?¡± Andrew stayed quiet while hearing out all of my ideas. He quickly got bored and cut me off, ¡°Nah, all that¡¯s too mild. Let¡¯s really destroy her. Give me something she doesn¡¯t want anyone to know.¡±This novel''s true home is a different platform. Support the author by finding it there. There¡¯s only one thing that came to mind but, ¡°No, that¡¯s too cruel.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t fucking pussy out, Ellie. You want my help or no?¡± ¡°You know how Megan is dating Connor now, right?¡± ¡°Yeah.¡± ¡°Sure, go on.¡± ¡°She got high next to me a few months ago, and didn¡¯t notice I was reading what she was texting, like ¡®I can¡¯t wait for tonight, ¡®I want you so bad,¡¯ you know, all that bullshit. She talked about how serious she was getting with Connor based on the texts they were sending each other, but it wasn¡¯t him who she was talking to that night. It was Mr. Lucke.¡± ¡°No shit?!¡± Andrew laughed, ¡°The teacher?!¡± I grinned taking a sip of my coffee. ¡°That¡¯s where the juice comes in. Megan O¡¯Hare and Mr. Lucke have been fucking. Sure it only lasted until Megan became exclusive, but she was still fucking her teacher.¡± ¡°Ooh, you bitch that is good! How do we prove that?¡± I opened my phone¡¯s gallery and showed Andrew all the photos I had taken while Megan didn¡¯t have her phone with her. I felt so guilty for doing so and debated if I should have deleted them. I was glad I didn¡¯t. ¡°Send them over to me.¡± ¡°What are you going to do?¡± ¡°Send them to everyone anonymously.¡± ¡°People will still know it came from me.¡± ¡°Good point. Too bad Megan¡¯s a dumb bitch with an easy-to-guess password. Nobody will know who it came from if it comes from the cunt directly,¡± Andrew laughed then took a drink out of my coffee. ¡°Isn¡¯t that a bit harsh?¡± ¡°Coffee¡¯s just fine, thank you.¡± ¡°No. I mean this just doesn¡¯t affect Megan. Mr. Lucke will lose his job.¡± ¡°Nobody likes him anyways.¡± ¡°How do you have access to Megan¡¯s Facebook?¡± ¡°People are too liberal with sharing personal information,¡± Andrew turned on his phone, logging into Megan¡¯s account. Five minutes later, someone tagged me on Andrew¡¯s post he made on Megan''s behalf. Sure enough, Megan deletes it a minute later, but it¡¯s too late. Too many people have seen it and saved it. Jana Kramer: OMG! I shared it, lol. She can¡¯t get rid of it.¡± ¡°You¡¯re literally the devil, Andrew,¡± I smiled at him He looked at me like he was satisfied with what we¡¯d just done. The post had already gone viral within ten minutes. Within 15, Megan went offline. Megan: WHAT DID U DO?!???? But I didn¡¯t respond. ¡°I prefer to be called an upsetter of the norm.¡± I laughed. ¡°Is there anything you won¡¯t do?¡± ¡°Don¡¯t think so.¡± ¡°Does anything make you feel bad? How does destruction come so easy for you?¡± Andrew tilted his head, narrowing his eyes a little bit. ¡°Maybe it¡¯s because I don¡¯t feel anymore.¡± ¡°C¡¯mon, don¡¯t lie to me like that.¡± Andrew¡¯s eyes were dead. ¡°Believe what you want to believe, babes.¡± I was sucked in. Andrew. He had that natural confidence. No, it¡¯s not natural but highly sophisticated to imitate it. Deep inside I knew there was something more to Andrew than what I thought he was. The tone of his voice made it seem that he was hurting inside. His reckless and relentless nature was a cry for help. I wanted to know more. I wouldn¡¯t give him any of my time if I didn¡¯t find him interesting. ¡°Are you satisfied?¡± he asked me. ¡°I don¡¯t know. I don¡¯t feel good about it.¡± ¡°I always wondered why you hung out with those bitches. I never liked your friends. They¡¯re all so self-absorbed and important. They think they ain''t like the rest of us.¡± ¡°Is that what you thought about me?¡± Andrew shook his head. ¡°Nah, not you. You are better.¡± I giggled, ¡°Thanks, I guess.¡± ¡°I can do more if you want.¡± ¡°More? Like what?¡± ¡°I can fuck Megan.¡± ¡°Shut up, she doesn¡¯t even like you. Besides she¡¯s with Connor.¡± ¡°Like that has ever stopped me,¡± He laughed. ¡°I¡¯ll keep it on the D-low, then blow it up all on her face whenever you want.¡± ¡°You can do that?¡± ¡°There isn¡¯t a thing Andrew fucking Mera can¡¯t do, Ellie-kins.¡± I already went too far. I did not need to do anything else. But the thought of Megan¡¯s life falling apart even more felt too good to pass up. I nodded at Andrew, ¡°Fuck Amanda too, she deserves it too.¡± ¡°Look at you, when did you get so evil?¡± I wanted nothing more than to hurt those backstabbing bitches. Amanda knew what Megan was doing behind my back. So did her brother, Lucas and so did Connor. Those four deserved everything that was coming towards them. - Jana Kramer waited for me on top of the hill in the only public park of Darkwood. It was her favorite spot. She was in the middle of reading her bible. She closed it when I sat next to her. ¡°Alyssa thinks you went too far.¡± ¡°And what do you think?¡± ¡°I never really got close to anyone so I don¡¯t care that much. I didn¡¯t want to be their friend anyway.¡± ¡°You¡¯re my friend.¡± ¡°Because I wanted to.¡± ¡°Good. I like you, Jana Kramer.¡± She looked down nervously at her hands. She played with her fingers. ¡°That comment that Jessica made. Is it true?¡± ¡°Oh, don¡¯t tell me how homosexuality is a sin. I¡¯m not a goody-two-shoes Christian like you.¡± Jana Kramer shook her head. ¡°No, not that. I¡¯m just wondering if it¡¯s true. Did you really kiss a girl?¡± I sighed. ¡°Yeah, I did.¡± I was lucky that Jessica couldn¡¯t remember who the girl was that I kissed. I completely forgot that I did it in the first place. It¡¯s just one of those things I made myself forget while I was molding the woman I wanted to be. I was lucky that Jana Kramer didn¡¯t ask me who I kissed. ¡°Do you like girls?¡± She asked. ¡°What? No. I don¡¯t know. I just wanted to see what it would feel like. Why are you even asking me? Do you like girls, Jana Kramer?¡± ¡°No, no,¡± she laughed. ¡°Forget I asked. I just wanted to know more about you, Ellie.¡± ¡°Weirdo,¡± I joined her. ¡°We have a whole year to get to know each other more. I think we¡¯ll be pretty good friends.¡± That day I was reminded I was this other person before the Elizabeth I showed. I¡¯ve forgotten about it. I hurt a girl by playing with her emotions and never gave her closure. She never brought it up or ever confronted me about it. Only I knew who she was, but she knew too. She could have easily revealed herself and confirmed the rumor. She didn¡¯t. I expected her to message me to talk about it now that it was out in the open. She didn¡¯t. She was staying silent. I didn¡¯t know why. It was eating me up inside. It didn¡¯t sit right with me. I forgot about her and I wanted to give her a proper apology, I just didn¡¯t know how to approach her. I was too busy thinking about her to pay attention to Jana Kramer¡¯s body language. I was hearing her, but I wasn¡¯t listening. Jana Kramer was a good girl but I never thought we were going to become as close as we did. It was my selfishness that didn¡¯t let me see who I was towards her. I was only thinking about myself and what I was going through. I never bothered to ask what Jana Kramer was feeling. I didn¡¯t ask why she wanted to hang out with her on top of the hill that evening. I didn¡¯t ask why she wanted to be my friend. I didn¡¯t ask what she wanted. Elizabeth VI ¡°You¡¯re getting used to it,¡± Emily commented as I didn¡¯t cough as much from smoking this time. I was still not used to the high. I was smoking a different strain so the weed wasn¡¯t relaxing me as much. Instead, it made me feel claustrophobic like I was being surrounded by static. I didn¡¯t like it as much. ¡°I¡¯ve had a few days of practice,¡± I said back, passing the bowl to Andrew. ¡°Andrew, hand me the bag,¡± Sara asked. When I looked at her, Sara looked away. She hardly acknowledged me whenever I was around her. She never liked me around to begin with. She hated that I was becoming a constant presence. Andrew pulled out a small bag with white powder inside. Cocaine was nothing new to me. Everyone did it, and Andrew sold it. Sara gave me a dirty look while I watched her sniff a small amount using her long nail. ¡°Where do you even get all that?¡± I asked Andrew. ¡°Oh, I know a guy,¡± he said, adjusting around other small bags inside his jacket. ¡°There¡¯s always a guy.¡± We were sitting on top of the hill in Darkwood¡¯s park. It was my idea after learning of the place from Jana Kramer. I liked it up there. I could see most of the town on it. Chris was the only one who wasn¡¯t sitting with us. He opted to stand near and stare at the cloudy sky. He hadn¡¯t moved a muscle in over an hour. ¡°Is Chris okay?¡± I asked. Cody looked up from rolling a blunt, looked at me, and then at Chris. ¡°Oh, yeah, he does that a lot.¡± ¡°Is he always like this?¡± ¡°He¡¯s probably tripping on acid,¡± Andrew answers after ripping a hit of the bowl. ¡°He¡¯ll be fine.¡± I look over to the enigmatic boy again. I knew him the least. I knew of him and that everyone thought he was extremely weird. Chris was never much of a talker which made him hard to get to know. Chris always kept to himself. He has always been like this, ever since we were kids. Not much has changed. I catch Emily playing with her bandana on her wrist. Cody, who is sitting next to her, helps her tie it back on after she¡¯s unable to do it herself. They say they¡¯re only friends but how they act with each other says otherwise. Jealousy is an ugly bitch and I try my best not to be one. Why should I be jealous? Cody was already mine. I lay down and rested my head on his ankles. I could see the sun start to set over the mountains. There were no clouds to hide the sun away over there. It was a quiet summer evening. I thought I would be going to all these summer parties and events all the time. We barely had gone to any. We spent most nights quietly instead. I was annoyed at first, but I found quiet to be better. It was more peaceful and less stressful. I needed that calm. Our conversations were about nothing. We talked just to talk and pass the time. It didn¡¯t matter what we said, it was the company that we enjoyed. I liked getting to know more about Cody. I liked learning what Emily enjoyed doing. I got a better insight into how the beast called Andrew worked. It was funny to hear the rare and odd things Chris would say when he spoke. Even if we didn¡¯t interact much, I still got to learn about Sara. Outwardly, her appearance was very scary and not approachable. There was a kind-hearted girl behind her goth-punk attire. I didn¡¯t mind that she was cold towards me, she was justified. Sara glances at me while I check the notifications on my phone. Mostly all of them were from Megan. She¡¯s been harassing me nonstop ever since the stunt I pulled a couple of days ago. She kept threatening to slander me more if I didn¡¯t come out and demiss her of any wrongdoing. Those threats became ones of physical violence if I continued to ignore her. That threat was what I was reading on my phone. I could have told Cody. I could have told any of my friends what was going on. We were just having such a nice time that I didn¡¯t want to ruin that. I thought it better to keep it to myself. I was still worried, however. I decimated a bridge and such sin couldn¡¯t go unpunished. I never had to eat the cake that I made before. Andrew got up and checked all of his pockets, ¡°I¡¯ll be right back. I gotta make a sell real quick.¡± ¡°Bring me back a water bottle,¡± Sara asked him right as Andrew took off.Stolen story; please report. ¡°Yeah, yeah, yeah,¡± Andrew¡¯s voice faded. ¡°Do you want to go on a walk?¡± Emily asked Cody. He looked down at me then at Emily, ¡°Yeah,¡± He said, forcing me to sit up. ¡°I won¡¯t be gone long, Ellie.¡± I looked over at Sara once Cody and Emily were at the bottom of the hill. She wasn¡¯t paying attention to me. I finally had her alone, well Chris was still there but was no different than a statue. Sara stopped to look at me right in the middle of doing more cocaine. ¡°What?¡± ¡°Why haven¡¯t you said anything?¡± ¡°About?¡± ¡°Yknow,¡± I try to hint at her without actually saying it. Sara sighs after doing a pump of cocaine. ¡°Don¡¯t worry about it. It¡¯s fine.¡± Sara and I were friends for a short time at the beginning of her freshman year while I was a sophomore. The only class we shared was P.E. I didn¡¯t know anyone and she didn¡¯t either. We stuck to each other because we had this in common. Sara was my gym buddy. ¡°Look, whatever happened between us two years ago, it happened and I¡¯m sorry. I¡¯m sorry that I pushed you away like that. I didn¡¯t know that you were-¡± ¡°What? Gay?¡± she said quietly. ¡°I didn¡¯t know that back then If I did, I wouldn¡¯t have-¡± ¡°Just stop,¡± Sara turned her attention back on her phone. ¡°You did what was best for you, but it also happened to be best for me too.¡± In the hallways, we would just nod to each other because understood we were in different cliques. We understood our friendship was only exclusive to our class. I let the opinion of Amanda affect my view of Sara. For whatever reason, Amanda never liked her, she was the meanest toward Sara. ¡°I was embarrassed. I let it happen because it was in the heat of the moment. I didn¡¯t mean to stop being your friend because of it.¡± Sara smiled, ¡°Well, I¡¯m sorry I did it.¡± We were in the girl¡¯s locker room, after class. I stayed that much longer than I regularly did because I was too busy breaking up with my then-boyfriend over text. Sara stayed late too. It was just the two of us there and had about three minutes before the next bell rang. We were having small talk, y''know, like we always did. Nothing was different. We were just friends. Sara was sitting next to me and the next thing I knew, I was being kissed. Sara caught me by surprise. I kissed her back. I didn¡¯t speak a word to Sara after that day. ¡°I just don¡¯t want us to be weird. It might be a rumor to everyone else, but it was real for us, right?¡± Sara sat her phone down on her lap. ¡°You¡¯re the one making it weird. If I had a problem I would have said something. Just don¡¯t tell anyone that it was me.¡± ¡°Nobody knows you¡¯re gay.¡± ¡°Only Emily. Andrew can¡¯t find out. Y¡¯know what he¡¯s like. He¡¯s the only family I have left.¡± ¡°Okay, I promise.¡± Sara was perhaps the first unintentional victim of my self-destruction. I scoot my butt over to sit next to her. ¡°When did you start doing coke?¡± I asked her wanting to get to know her better. The barrier that was between us didn¡¯t seem to be there anymore. ¡°I don¡¯t know. I think it¡¯s been two years. Whenever my brother started dealing it.¡± ¡°Why did you start?¡± ¡°Why does anyone do anything in this town?¡± To have fun. To escape. To run away. ¡°Do you like it?¡± Sara scooped another hit with her nail and snorted it. ¡°It¡¯s good. It¡¯s good. It helps me get my mind off things.¡± ¡°What things?¡± She shook her head, ¡°It doesn¡¯t matter. You want to try some?¡± ¡°No, I barely started smoking weed. I¡¯m not keen on doing anything harder.¡± Sara sighed, tossing the bag on my lap. ¡°Why did you stop talking to me? Did you hate it that much?¡± I shook my head. ¡°I don¡¯t remember exactly why. I think Amanda didn¡¯t like that I was defending you whenever she tried to bully you. I think she got it in my head that she was more important than you were.¡± ¡°And our kiss?¡± I admitted to something I didn¡¯t want to when it happened. There was another reason why I stopped talking to Sara. I was immature and didn¡¯t know how to handle it. It went against what I was trying to be. ¡°I liked it,¡± I could finally say out loud. Sara giggled for the first time since we began talking again. ¡°Y¡¯know what? I am still pissed over what happened. I¡¯m mad at you, Ellie.¡± I couldn¡¯t tell if she was serious. ¡°How can I make it up to you?¡± ¡°Do a line. You owe it to me.¡± ¡°Sara, I can¡¯t do that.¡± She readied the white powder and held her nail up in front of me. ¡°Life is too short, if you really want to make it up to me for ditching me as a friend, snort this.¡± I stared down at her nail, thinking about my brother. He became addicted to the drug and got kicked out because of it. It was his lack of self-control that caused him to steal Mom¡¯s money just to buy it. It was a matter of time before Mom noticed her missing money. Matt had a weak will. I didn¡¯t. It was just one time. There wasn¡¯t going to be any other. Only one just to try it. The loopiness and drowsiness of my weed high instantly went away. Everything became perfect. I became the best version of myself. I felt that I was the Queen I always was. Everything was perfect. I could do anything. I could be anything. I became complete. Elizabeth VII Jana Kramer knocked on Emily¡¯s front door. ¡°Who¡¯s Jana Kramer?¡± Sara asked. ¡°You know that girl who we all don¡¯t know the name of so we just call her Jana Kramer,¡± Emily laughed. I didn¡¯t think anyone remembered Jana Kramer¡¯s real name. The joke name I gave her had taken over her entire identity. I haven¡¯t heard her name in years. I was 12 when I gave her that name and I¡¯m not even sure why I preferred it over her given name. ¡°What?¡± ¡°Don¡¯t worry about it, she¡¯s cool,¡± I said, getting up to open the door for her. I didn¡¯t ask why Jana Kramer agreed to come with us to a rave in Seattle. I invited her as a joke and didn¡¯t expect her to be willing. Jana Kramer barely liked going to house parties, a rave was something she would never like. The thought that she came just because I asked never occurred to me. She joined me inside Emily¡¯s car along with Cody. Andrew took his sister, Chris, and Carlos in his. It¡¯s the first time we¡¯ve gone out since Alyssa¡¯s party. I have only been to another rave once and I didn¡¯t like it. I don¡¯t like the music. I was only going because everyone else was. Andrew pulled out a bottle of liquor as soon as we all parked. We all took turns taking drinks except for Jana Kramer. Her eyes were in awe watching Andrew be able to drink alcohol as if it were water and not need a chaser afterward. ¡°Aren¡¯t you driving?¡± she asked him. ¡°I¡¯ll be fine by the time we leave.¡± ¡°That still isn¡¯t safe.¡± ¡°Oh, shut up. Nobody forced you to come.¡± ¡°It¡¯ll be alright. It¡¯ll take much more for Andrew to get drunk,¡± I assure her. ¡°Yeah, yeah. You want a pill?¡± Jana Kramer shook her head. Andrew pulled out a baggie that had about ten red and blue pills resembling Pokeballs. He handed all of us one each, myself included. Jana Kramer stared at the pill on my palm and tugged on my sleeve to get my attention. ¡°I thought you didn¡¯t do this stuff?¡± she whispered. She was worried. ¡°It¡¯s okay. It¡¯s my first time. It¡¯s not that bad.¡± Andrew found out that Sara convinced me to do coke first. He announced it to the group the second he did. He was ecstatic that I was coming out of my shell and invited me to try MDMA next. He found this rave just so I could try it out. I expected Cody to be disappointed with me. If he was, he didn¡¯t show it. He didn¡¯t talk to me about it. I wanted him too. He knew why I didn¡¯t do drugs. I¡¯ve told him about Matt. My brother is someone I didn¡¯t want to turn into. I thought Cody understood that so he should have reprimanded me. He didn¡¯t care that I wanted to see what an MDMA high felt like. I told myself that I was only going to try it once, just to see what it was like. I was only going to do coke once. I was only going to do MDMA once. I told myself it would be easier to say no if I could better understand what everyone in Darkwood liked to do. I was around people who didn¡¯t think of me any less if I did. Andrew looked over at me and grinned. I kept staring at the pill and trying to ignore Jana Kramer¡¯s frown. His eyes didn¡¯t budge away from me as he wanted to witness another of my firsts. Andrew was daring me. He laughed when I put the pill in my mouth and drank it. No one else paid attention to me. We pre-gamed in the parking lot for another half hour before heading inside the venue. As a group, we all went deep center of the crowd where we all slowly split away from each other as the night went on. I stayed with Cody, of course, as he was my boyfriend. I was uncomfortable at first. I didn¡¯t like the music and it was hard to get into it. That changed when the ecstasy pill started to overtake the alcohol in my system. It wasn¡¯t anything like coke like I thought it would. I didn¡¯t have the burst of energy that it gave me. It rose in little bursts. The dozen sweaty bodies surrounding us that were bothering me didn¡¯t seem so annoying anymore. First, the lights got brighter and slightly blurred. I didn¡¯t feel anything at first until a little ball of energy was forming inside my stomach, it had light inside. It started to escape and slowly traveled up and down my bloodstream. It¡¯s a weird thing to describe but that¡¯s how it was. The fabrics in my clothes started to show their presence and the deep bass and synth from the music suddenly seemed to be absorbed by my skin. The air that I thought was suffocating and hot became clear and easy to breathe. I thought this was the beginning of enlightenment. Like I could see all the good in the world and that it was good to me too. It took me a long time to notice that my jaw was subtly getting stiff. I looked at Cody and gave in to my unrelenting desire to kiss him. Anything we did before, was all fake. There was no emotion behind those kisses. This was real kissing. The feeling I got just by feeling his lips, feeling his tongue was better than the sex we had. I couldn¡¯t image how good it would feel if we fucked now.If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation. I remember my body getting hot and my sweat made me dirty. I was thirsty, thinking I could drink a lake. I wanted to excuse myself to get water but I started to melt. Laying down on a soft bed and covered with warm blankets sounded like the best dream. All the lights, all the soundwaves, all the cosmic energy, all the warmth from the earth just hit me all at once. I was peaking. Looking back at all my stupid thoughts and all the foolish ones. Cody said that this city, this town, this state swallows men. He said that we all run into it and eventually run from never to return again. He said that luck and love are one of the same. You remember when you fell in as clear as day. You remember the moment you fell out of touch the same way. The town we lived in was hushed, holding onto its secrets. The town is breathing and every exhalation created the gray skyscrapers clouds. The city wasn¡¯t any better, breathing a dirty breath, leaving fog through a looking glass where we can etch out dreams only for them to fade away. And while the town grits its teeth, he held me tight like we were dreaming of a better place. There were no straps or belts that kept us in place, just the movement holding me down to earth. I grew to hate my town, I wanted to leave. I was cornered by wildlife, empty roads, and an eternal rain. Cody said, ¡°Have you ever met such a son of a bitch you hated to love?¡± I closed my eyes, wrapping myself tighter into his arms. I once again felt complete. Everything was going to be okay. Jana Kramer tapped my shoulder and then handed me a water bottle. ¡°I¡¯m going to find Carlos,¡± she said but it was hard to hear. Cody checked his phone a little later and left me alone right after. ¡°I¡¯ll be right back, going to take a piss.¡± I go outside when he doesn¡¯t come back after five minutes. Cody doesn¡¯t text back. Nobody does. I don¡¯t know where anyone¡¯s at. I let the drizzle tickle my skin. I¡¯m cooled down. Around the corner I find Andrew buckling his jeans together. The girl he just finished fucking was adjusting her clothes. She kissed him on the cheek and walked past me to go back inside the rave. Andrew laughed once he noticed I¡¯d been staring. Andrew, Andrew, Andrew. He didn¡¯t care about anything. That¡¯s what I always thought, but he does have someone he cares about. He cares about Sara. But Sara¡¯s gay and Andrew doesn¡¯t know. Would he still care about her if he found out? I''ve seen how he treats our peers who are gay. Andrew was interesting. Nobody would act the way he did if he didn¡¯t have something to hide. Something happened to him. I wanted to know what. I¡¯ve gotten hints here and there, like how Andrew chooses to be a criminal despite him being a straight-A student. Nobody is smarter than him in his grade. He has a brilliant mind and the street smarts to find a way to always stay out of trouble. If I was the incorruptible one, Andrew was who corrupts. We were complete opposites. Andrew always laughed because he treated everything as a big fucking joke. It annoyed me more often than not. I laughed with him at that moment because I also found it funny. I couldn¡¯t help myself as I pulled myself away from his lips. - I took Cody up to my room where no guy had ever been inside. He stared at the posters on the walls and the plushies all around. I awaited his comment on how I am a walking stereotype. I¡¯m the definition of ¡®basic¡¯. Very little about me is unique. Cody observed every little detail about my room and said, ¡°This is all pretty great.¡± I only have one thing in my room that is remotely different than my ex-friends. It¡¯s a poster of my favorite artist, Emmah, during her Madison Square Garden debut where she wore the ever-iconic white dress. Cody touched the poster with the back of his hand. ¡°Why don¡¯t you ever play the music you like?¡± he said. ¡°You guys don¡¯t listen to what I do.¡± ¡°We like Emmah too.¡± ¡°Her songs aren¡¯t exactly good for social listening.¡± ¡°She¡¯s Emily and Sara¡¯s favorite artist. You know she lives near Seattle?¡± ¡°Really?!¡± Cody nodded. ¡°Yeah, somewhere in Mercer Island. I think she lives with her best friend who¡¯s the daughter of the owner of the record label.¡± ¡°How do you know? She¡¯s supposed to be reclusive.¡± I asked, sitting down on my neatly made bed. ¡°I can¡¯t remember. I think I read it somewhere.¡± Cody took his hand off the poster. ¡°How are you feeling? Are you still rolling?¡± ¡°I¡¯m doing just fine, Cody.¡± I giggled, not sure why, but I did. ¡°Good, good, uh...¡± Cody paused in front of me. This was a first. He never stopped to think about what to say next. Cody always had something ready whether it be something small like an observation or poetic like the lines he likes to recite. I turned on the speaker in the meantime. I giggled again, the tingly and sensitive warmth was still in my system from the ecstasy. Cody shyly looked away when I took off my shirt. ¡°You¡¯ve seen me a dozen of times, why are you blushing?¡± ¡°This is different.¡± ¡°How?¡± ¡°You wouldn¡¯t understand.¡± But I thought I did. I mean, I think I do. He was now in my room where it¡¯s the most private thing in my life. Here I am completely vulnerable. I lie to myself and say I don¡¯t have to play pretend around my new friends. A mask is still a mask even if it has a different shape. My room is the only place where a mask doesn¡¯t exist. It¡¯s why I let very few people in and even those who come in don¡¯t come back often. So yes, Cody was special for being in here. ¡°Wait a second. Where are you?¡± Cody looked back with a small smile. ¡°I¡¯m here.¡± ¡°I didn¡¯t say you could come here.¡± ¡°Can I come there?¡± I nodded. Cody took a second to look at me. I still hadn¡¯t gotten used to his eyes but he wasn¡¯t wearing them that night. I could look at him without getting trapped. In that second he gave me something I didn¡¯t know I wanted, appreciation. ¡°Okay. So you saw the movie. Hotel Chevalier.¡± ¡°Of course I watched it, it wasn¡¯t even that long. I¡¯ve watched everything you told me. Besides, didn¡¯t you say it was your favorite film?¡± ¡°Yeah. I guess. I just didn¡¯t expect you to.¡± ¡°Didn¡¯t I tell you I¡¯m full of surprises?¡± I laughed. Cody chuckled, then pushed my forehead so my body would fall on my bed. I watched him. It was different. We weren¡¯t fucking. No, this was slower, more passionate. Cody paced himself to the slow rhythm of Emmah¡¯s music. He felt me. He felt every single bit of me. He smelled and tasted every single bit of it. I like to feel the tightness of his muscle contractions. As much as I hate the phrase, this was sex. We were making love. He still doesn¡¯t cum. Elizabeth VIII I¡¯d opened Pandora¡¯s box. There wasn¡¯t anything else holding me back from being the person I was always too afraid to be. I had no more limits, and as such I tried my best to see how far I could go. I was having fun like the feeling was new to me. I was happy. There was something to do every night. Sometimes it would be a party at someone¡¯s house. If it wasn¡¯t a party, it would be a kickback. Either at Emily, Carlos, or Alyssa¡¯s. And if it wasn¡¯t a kickback I would spend my nights hanging out with Cody or Emily and Sara if he wasn¡¯t available. I drank more, smoked more, and started to pop pills. The only thing I refused to do was cocaine. That was my limit. I didn¡¯t allow myself to fall like that. I saw what it turned my brother into and even though I knew I was stronger, I didn¡¯t want to risk it. In the mornings, I hung out with Jana Kramer or Alyssa. I didn¡¯t spend a single day by myself. I taught Jana Kramer how to dress better and how to flirt. I learned more about her in a few weeks than in all the years I had known her. Alyssa kept tabs on whatever Megan was doing for me. She hadn¡¯t severed all ties with her because she never needed to. Alyssa was my little spy. I found out that all of Megan¡¯s threats were empty because of her. Megan was just trying to scare me. The posts of her affair with our teacher didn¡¯t do as much damage as I thought it would. Megan managed to weasel out an explanation that didn¡¯t paint her in such a bad light. I thought for sure Connor was going to break up with her because of it, but he didn¡¯t. A rumor went around that Mr. Lucke had to move and wasn¡¯t going to teach next year. Nothing happened past that. July 4th then came. That was the last day everything was okay. It was the last day I knew who I was. - We went to the town¡¯s fair. It¡¯s the one day where the entire town would gather in one place. I used to go every year until Matt was thrown out of the house. I tried going once after but it only made me miss him. I didn¡¯t think about him this time. We walked as a group but were split up into pairs. I stayed with Cody for most of our time there. He played the games and won stuff for me even when I told him he didn¡¯t have to. I had to buy a tote bag just to carry around all the stuffed animals. My heart kept fluttering every time Cody¡¯s deep voice would say something to me. I liked a lot of guys before. I thought I loved some of them too. Nothing I felt from them compared with Cody. Everything about Cody was intoxicating. He was sucking me in since the moment our eyes met over a month ago. He always knew the right thing to say and always knew what to do. Cody quickly became the most important thing in my life. I was so captivated by him that I was blind to how selfish I was being. I was blind to seeing what I was doing and who I was turning into. I¡¯d forgotten that Andrew spontaneously kissed me. I didn¡¯t care. Andrew pulled Cody away for a moment and Emily snuck in behind me. ¡°Jana thought of a great idea of what we can do after the fair.¡± ¡°Hmm, what?¡± ¡°I¡¯ll have to ask her again to explain but basically it¡¯s a game of hide n¡¯ seek at night and in the forest.¡± Traversing inside the forest is already difficult during the day. It¡¯s impossible during the night. ¡°We¡¯ll all just get lost,¡± I reminded her. Emily shook her head. ¡°Not if we stick around the treehouse. It¡¯s the perfect place to play there.¡± ¡°What treehouse?¡± ¡°Cody hasn¡¯t told you?¡± ¡°No?¡± ¡°We built a treehouse together when we were around 8. It kind of serves as our second home.¡± ¡°What about the treehouse?¡± Cody joined back in. ¡°Oh, I¡¯m just telling Elizabeth. She didn¡¯t know about it.¡± ¡°Why didn¡¯t you tell me?¡± I asked him. Cody shrugged. ¡°It was never relevant.¡± Cody doesn¡¯t pay attention to the smile Emily gave him, but I do. It was different than the small and subtle smiles that only she could do. This one was wide. Emily was relieved, as she was thanking Cody with it. A crack appeared. No, it was always there. I just didn¡¯t acknowledge it. Sara handed me the extra ice cream cone that she bought. She sat on top of the table in the food court with me while we waited for everyone else to join us. ¡°Why does Jana Kramer keep coming with us?¡± she asked. ¡°I think she doesn¡¯t like us. She always looks so bored.¡± ¡°She¡¯s my friend. I like her. She just has to get used to everyone.¡± ¡°D¡¯you hear we¡¯re all going to play a game of hide n¡¯ seek she made up later? I don¡¯t see how fun that¡¯ll be, we aren¡¯t kids anymore.¡± ¡°Well, we won''t find out until we do.¡±You could be reading stolen content. Head to the original site for the genuine story. ¡°Ugh, get me out,¡± Sara groaned. ¡°If you don¡¯t like her, why were you talking with her earlier?¡± ¡°It¡¯s not that I don¡¯t like her, she¡¯s just doesn¡¯t belong with us.¡± ¡°I can say the same thing about Chris. Why is he around? He¡¯s always in his own little world.¡± ¡°He¡¯s talkative when he isn''t,¡± Sara giggled, stopping her ice cream from melting on her hand. ¡°When is he not?¡± ¡°Now that I think about it? It¡¯s always when you¡¯re not around.¡± ¡°What? He doesn¡¯t like me? I haven¡¯t even had a conversation with him yet.¡± ¡°Cody asked him about that. Chris said that he keeps seeing the threads of fate when you¡¯re around.¡± ¡°What does that mean?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know.¡± ¡°I guess I should find out for myself.¡± Jana Kramer is the first to join us. ¡°Aw, you already got one,¡± she was disappointed that I had an ice cream cone already. She held two in her hands, one intended for me. Andrew yanks one out of her hands out of nowhere. ¡°Don¡¯t mind if I do. Thanks.¡± ¡°That wasn¡¯t for you!¡± ¡°Where have you been?¡± Sara asked. ¡°What do you think? I had a sell.¡± ¡°How have you never been arrested?¡± I asked him. Andrew sells drugs to everyone I know. I¡¯m told he sells to everyone in town. Everyone knows who he is and what he does. Andrew doesn¡¯t make attempts to be discreet about it either. ¡°You think the bluebirds don¡¯t buy from me either? Nobody gives a shit in this town, Ellie. Even if someone tries to be noble, I¡¯m protected. I can¡¯t be touched, yeah?¡± ¡°Protected how?¡± Jana Kramer asked. ¡°The guy I buy from.¡± ¡°Who is he?¡± I asked. ¡°Lyle.¡± - Cody and Emily¡¯s treehouse is deep in the middle of the forest. We follow them to where it¡¯s at before the sun can fully set. Those two moved through the woods like they explored every inch of them. By the time we arrived, I could barely see five feet in front of me, it was that dark. Their treehouse was in the middle of a clearing on top of the only tree around. It was small and only three or four people could fit inside. Emily turned on a wireless lamp to illuminate the darkness. Emily hung Polaroids of her friends in her room. She had Polaroids nailed on the walls of her treehouse too, only these were exclusively of her and Cody. Most of them were from when they were little kids. I found a few that were as recent as a few months ago. ¡°I told you there was nothing up here.¡± ¡°I just wanted to take a look,¡± I admit while I follow her back down the ladder. Emily placed the lamp against the tree truck and asked Jana Kramer to explain the rules of her game. Andrew passed around a bottle while we heard the explanation. I was particularly annoyed that he brought a bottle. Jana Kramer wanted to do something without any substance involved and she was now denied that. God forbid we couldn¡¯t have fun sober. At least I respected her wish and didn¡¯t drink. She had trouble finding the easiest way to explain her modified version of hide n¡¯ seek. At its core, it was just a combination of that game and tag. We split into pairs so nobody could get lost in the forest by themselves. A pair would be it and seek while everyone else would hide somewhere in the forest. We set the limit on the distance of where we could hide by placing our phones with flashlights on to mark the border. Unlike any other regular game, the goal of the hiders is to make it back to base without being found and tagged. If one person got tagged, so did their partner. The base was the trunk of the treehouse. The seekers never had a win condition as it was too hard to find and tag anyone before someone reached the base, but that wasn¡¯t the point. The fun was trying not to be the first ones caught. That meant it was their turn to seek and if everyone made it back to base, the last pair who did, lost. We switched partners every few rounds. In the luck of the draw, Cody got paired with Emily, Sara with Jana Kramer, Andrew with Carlos (who we invited to be our eighth player), and I with Chris. The game began and we had a minute to hide from Andrew and Carlos. Chris followed me behind a large bush. He hadn¡¯t acknowledged me at all. ¡°Do you have a problem with me?¡± I asked him now that I had the chance. Chris looked down from the sky, ¡°Why would I?¡± ¡°I¡¯m told you act differently around me.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t mean to.¡± ¡°Then what is it?¡± ¡°You wouldn¡¯t believe me if I told you.¡± ¡°Try me.¡± Chris looked back up at the sky. For once, I could see the stars. ¡°Do you think predestination and free will coexist?¡± ¡°What?¡± ¡°At what point does a decision turn into an unavoidable destination?¡± ¡°What does that have to do with what I asked?¡± ¡°Everything,¡± Chris looked down again. He looked at me. ¡°What makes you special that you teeter between that line?¡± ¡°Uh, forget I asked,¡± I rolled my eyes, unable to comprehend what he just said. We were the first ones found because we were being loud. I didn¡¯t speak to Chris again while we were paired up. He also was no help in tagging Sara when I found and chased her. Luckily, we switched partners. I got paired with Emily. I followed Emily to a small creek where we could hide behind a boulder. As soon as we heard playful screaming on the opposite end of us, we snuck our way back to base. We were the first ones there. Emily climbed up to sit over the entrance of the treehouse. I joined her. The crack that¡¯s always been there had been bothering me all day. I didn¡¯t think it was a problem. I convinced myself I was just making it up and I just had to trust Cody. I liked Emily. I wanted to be her friend. I wanted to trust her too. Because I did, I ignored all of the signs. ¡°How often do you come here with Cody?¡± ¡°Once a week,¡± Emily leaned back. ¡°It¡¯s been less often, thanks to you.¡± ¡°And you guys never had feelings for each other?¡± ¡°Of course we do.¡± I knew. I always knew. They act like they¡¯re married and still alive when they¡¯re with each other. Cody never became that relaxed and casual with me. I knew how he looked at her, how it wasn¡¯t the same with me. ¡°So you¡¯re not mad that I¡¯m with him? How can you be so cool about it?¡± Emily shook her head, checking out her nails like she wasn¡¯t interested in the conversation. ¡°He always comes back to me.¡± I was trying to play nice. I willingly ignored Emily any time I caught her being jealous. I ignored everything she did to make me jealous. I didn¡¯t think about it and I didn¡¯t bring it up. I didn¡¯t want to touch that crack in my relationship with Cody. ¡°What makes you say that?¡± I almost scoff at her audacity. ¡°I doubt that.¡± ¡°What makes you say that?¡± ¡°We made a promise to marry each other when we turn 21.¡± I wanted to believe Emily was lying just to make me jealous again, but I knew her, she doesn¡¯t tell lies. She wasn¡¯t lying when she told me I didn¡¯t have to worry about who she was to Cody either. She didn¡¯t have to worry about me either. That promise was there that made sure of that. ¡°A lot can change. The future is never set in stone.¡± Emily sat back up straight and tried to hide her laughter. ¡°Have you made him cum yet?¡± She asked so bluntly. It caught me off guard. ¡°What?!¡± ¡°Has he came? He cums with me.¡± I don¡¯t get jealous. I don¡¯t get insecure. It¡¯s not a good look for me. There isn¡¯t anything to get jealous of anyway. What did I have to be insecure about? Emily just threw it in my face. ¡°Yeah, he has,¡± I lied. ¡°Good for you,¡± Emily said sarcastically. - I got paired with Sara next. ¡°Do you have any coke?¡± I asked her. Elizabeth IX The next night Carlos threw a house party. He lived in the upper north side of town where Alyssa and I lived. This would be the largest party of the summer. It grew so big that the cops had to come and shut it down. That rarely happened. I didn¡¯t want to be picked up by Cody. I didn¡¯t want to see him. I didn¡¯t want to be around Emily. I arrived by myself as the house was close to mine and could walk. Everyone was at this party. And when I mean everyone I mean everyone. Every high schooler in Darkwood, others from the neighboring towns, and some from Seattle. Megan and Amanda were there. I was hoping for them to start trouble with me. I wanted to hit someone. As much as I tried to avoid Cody, it was a fruitless effort. Andrew pulled all of us inside one of the bedrooms. He wanted to snort some coke in peace without some random asking for a hit. He originally asked Sara to join him, but I wanted some to so I followed. Cody followed me and Emily followed him. That¡¯s how we ended up together. Andrew divided the powder into thick and long lines on a plate. He passes the plate to Sara after he snorts a line with a rolled-up dollar bill. Sara nodded, taking her line, and tried to pass the plate to Emily. ¡°Ems?¡± Sara asked. She shook her head. ¡°Not tonight.¡± Cody is the only one to comment that I took the plate instead. ¡°What are you doing?¡± ¡°A line?¡± ¡°You said you wouldn¡¯t again.¡± ¡°Things change.¡± Andrew laughed, mocking Cody, ¡°She¡¯s free to do what she wants, my boy.¡± I catch Chris staring at me with my peripheral while the white line disappears from the plate and travels inside my nose canal. ¡°Let¡¯s do another one. I feel great,¡± Sara laughed. And that was the thing with cocaine. Once you¡¯re in that rush, it¡¯s hard to resist not wanting to lose it. The high was short and would only last half an hour. It¡¯s easy to lose track of how much you have done when trying to keep the high going. I reached an even greater high by doing two lines back to back. Cody stole the plate away from me, stopping me from doing my third and the last that was on there. He snorts it for himself. I¡¯ve never seen him do it. He said he didn¡¯t like to. He didn¡¯t want me to. - I sat next to Carlos and Alyssa who made room for me. Made any progress on your pursuit of Emily?¡± I asked him. He shook his head. ¡°Nothing solid. We had a great time yesterday, especially after getting partnered up with her.¡± ¡°Oh yeah, what happened?¡± ¡°We just talked, y¡¯know. I invited her over to my house after,¡± Carlos laughed nervously, circling his thumbs around his drink. ¡°I tried, Ellie, but she said nah.¡± ¡°What?! Why not?¡± ¡°She said she liked me but wasn¡¯t ready for all that stuff. Said she needed a break from guys and shit.¡± ¡°Nah, screw that, I¡¯ll go talk to her. I think I can convince her.¡± I said standing up, but Carlos stopped me. ¡°What?¡± He shook his head again. ¡°Let it go, I tried. It¡¯s not the end of the world.¡± ¡°What?! No! You¡¯ve been trying since freshman year.¡± ¡°It¡¯s alright, Elizabeth.¡± I sat back down and sighed. As I do, I spot Sara talking to Lucas, which was¡­ odd. But I don¡¯t pay attention to that. I was planning on manipulating Emily into hurting Cody. Cody was hurting her by dating me. She wouldn¡¯t be jealous if she wasn¡¯t. I was sure I could get her to hook up with Carlos if I planted the idea that Cody needed a taste of what she felt. That was my idea of getting back at Cody for never telling me the whole truth. That he just saw me as another fling this entire time. ¡°Why don¡¯t we just date,¡± Alyssa suggested, leaning forward on the couch. ¡°Huh?¡± ¡°You and me, Carlos. We should date.¡±This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there. ¡°Where is this coming from?¡± ¡°I mean, we¡¯re always together. We¡¯re compatible. Sounds logical to me.¡± ¡°You¡¯re serious?¡± ¡°I¡¯m okay if you say no.¡± ¡°How about being fuck buddies?¡± ¡°Ew, don¡¯t make is sound so cringe,¡± I interrupt. Alyssa rolls her eyes up for half a second to think about it then nods, ¡°Yeah, that works too.¡± ¡°Have fun, you two,¡± I tell them as Carlos takes Alyssa¡¯s hand and leads her upstairs to his room. I had a hard time believing that just happened. - I walk on to Amanda up on Sara¡¯s face. They¡¯re in the middle of arguing but I don¡¯t have enough context to know what about. Amanda is much madder than Sara. Sara is just annoyed. The guy who edits and documents the school yearbook is videotaping the entire thing. His name is Bo and he videotapes anything that he finds interesting. I asked him to catch me up on the details. ¡°Amanda is pissed that Sara was talking to her brother,¡± Bo answered. That was enough to figure out what was going in. Amanda and Sara never liked each other. Amanda never told me why, but she didn¡¯t have to. Her brother, Lucas, had always had a crush on Sara. That was reason enough for Amanda to never like Sara. It was like her personal mission to try and make Sara¡¯s life as miserable as possible. ¡°I know the truth, Sara. I know you¡¯re just a dyke bitch. Why else haven¡¯t you fucked anyone?¡± ¡°Do you have some weird-ass brother complex? Who fucking cares that Lucas said hi to me? You¡¯re so obsessed with me. It¡¯s weird.¡± ¡°How do you think Andrew will react when I tell him you¡¯re gay?¡± I stepped in and pushed Amanda off Sara. No one has seen me be physical. Any eyes not paying attention stop and turn towards me. ¡°What the fuck is wrong with you?!¡± Amanda scoffed, ¡°Ugh, what do you want?¡± ¡°You think Sara¡¯s gay because she¡¯s never been with a guy? Not everyone sleeps around with everyone with a dick between their legs. Sara isn¡¯t a slut, unlike you. She has standards.¡± ¡°Uh, bitch, she¡¯s the one that always staring at me. She¡¯s a weird lesbo, everyone knows that.¡± Amanda smacked her lips, something that had always annoyed me. ¡°Who¡¯s a lesbo?¡± Andrew walked in, curious about the commotion. Amanda turned her body towards him, all proud and mighty about what she said next. ¡°Your sister¡¯s gay. I caught her looking at lesbian porn during class.¡± ¡°That true, sis?¡± Sara never took her glare off Amanda, ¡°No.¡± ¡°I know what I saw. I see the way you look at me.¡± I laughed. ¡°As if. You¡¯re just an insecure bitch who only puts others down so you feel better about the fact that no one actually likes you,¡± I stepped in again. ¡°Or should I tell everyone about that abortion you did six months ago?¡± Gasps fill the room. One of the jocks has had enough and stepped in between Amanda and me. ¡°Hey, that¡¯s enough. No need to get ugly.¡± ¡°She started it by lying about Sara, dickbag!¡± ¡°Fuck you, slut,¡± Amanda rolled her eyes. ¡°The fuck you callin¡¯ a slut, cunt?!¡± Andrew tried to confront Amanda but is stopped by the jock. ¡°Fuck all of you if you think my sister is gay. I¡¯ll fuck all you up.¡± ¡°Shut the fuck up, Andrew,¡± the jock instigated. Andrew pushed me away out of the way to face up against the jock. ¡°The fuck you say?!¡± ¡°I¡¯ll fuck you up.¡± Andrew threw the first punch. The friends of the jock didn¡¯t hesitate to help him out. It wasn¡¯t a fair fight, four against one. Still, Andrew managed to handle at least two of them before they got him locked up. Luckily, Cody rushed in and pushed the guys off Andrew. Sara ran off and I followed shortly after. I caught up to her in the middle of the road. She only stopped when I called out her name. I placed my hand on her shoulder and she turned around to hug me. I let her cry a bit before I said anything to her. We sat down once she calmed down. ¡°What happened?¡± Sara shook her head a few times. ¡°She¡¯s mad that her brother has a thing for me.¡± ¡°Yeah, no, I know. Why even entertain her nonsense?¡± ¡°She was going to tell Andrew that I¡¯m gay.¡± ¡°Would that be so bad?¡± Sara shook her a couple more times. ¡°You don¡¯t get it. Andrew can¡¯t find out.¡± ¡°No, I know, I know. You don¡¯t want to lose him. But do you think that¡¯s what¡¯s going to happen? Do you think he would do that to you?¡± Andrew was a raging homophobe. Everyone knew that. But underneath his apathetic attitude, I wanted to believe Andrew was more than he showed. He cared about Sara. He wouldn¡¯t disown her. Sara nodded. ¡°No! You don¡¯t get it.¡± ¡°Then help me understand¡­please.¡± Sara took a moment to gather her thoughts. I held her hand to help her do so. She took a big breath and nodded when she was ready. ¡°Our mom died eight years ago. She killed herself. It turned our dad into a piece of shit. That¡¯s the reason why Andrew acts the way he does. He¡¯s filled with so much hatred and I don¡¯t know what to do about it,¡± Sara paused to wipe away more tears. She laughed while I helped wipe her running mascara clean. ¡°But he¡¯s the only one I can depend on. I¡¯m the only one who understands him. I¡¯m the last light that keeps him from destroying himself.¡± ¡°You¡¯re scared¡­¡± ¡°Yeah,¡± Sara chuckled. ¡°It¡¯s only a matter of time before he finds out.¡± I get an idea in my head. It wasn¡¯t bright. It wasn¡¯t even any good, but it solved Sara¡¯s problem. ¡°It doesn¡¯t have to be.¡± ¡°He¡¯s already been bugging me why I never flirt with any guys. He already jokes around that I am gay.¡± ¡°We prove him wrong.¡± ¡°How?¡± I was being selfish. I masked it intending to help Sara out. If I was looking out for her best interests, I wouldn¡¯t have suggested the idea in the first place. I was still high on Coke and wasn¡¯t thinking right. I just wanted to fuck over Amanda. Nothing else could make her as furious. ¡°Go and fuck Lucas.¡± ¡°What?¡± ¡°He¡¯s already into you so you don¡¯t have to try very hard. You can do it tonight.¡± ¡°Ellie. I¡¯m gay.¡± ¡°And nobody will believe you are if pretend to be straight. Think about it. Andrew will believe it. And better yet, you get to rub it on Amanda¡¯s face.¡± Sara was too shocked to say anything back right away. ¡°It''s really that simple, huh?¡± ¡°Nobody has to know,¡± I smile. Elizabeth X Cody pulled me to the side when he caught me walking down the stairs. He rubbed the skin around my nostril clean. Andrew ran down the stairs past us. Cody waited until the cheer Andrew asked for subsided. I drank past the limit I was comfortable being. More coke helped, but I was still a little loopy. Everything was still twisting. Cody was like: ¡°What¡¯s going on? You¡¯re not stopping.¡± I was like: ¡°Nothing. I¡¯m just standing on everyone¡¯s level.¡± He was like: ¡°Can you slow down? It¡¯s getting out of hand.¡± And I was like: ¡°I¡¯m in the tall grass,¡± I laughed. Cody shook his head. ¡°Can you please just tell me what¡¯s going on? This isn¡¯t you.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t even know who I am, Cody.¡± ¡°Are you mad at me?¡± I laughed in his face. ¡°What are you running from, Cody? What are you hiding?¡± ¡°What are you talking about?¡± ¡°What do you see in me? Who am I?¡± ¡°You¡¯re a blue flower. A morning glory.¡± I laughed again. I liked that. I pressed myself up on him and kissed him. Cody never put me on a pedestal. I¡¯m the one who had him on one. Emily kicked it off of him for me. I could see right through him now that we were on the same level. I saw him with rose-tinted glasses, I couldn¡¯t see the red flags. ¡°A blue flower,¡± I repeated to him. ¡°More like morning glory.¡± ¡°Let me take you home. Sleep it off and we¡¯ll talk about it in the morning.¡± I shook my head. ¡°I can walk home, thanks.¡± - I found Chris standing alone outside of the party. He¡¯s staring at the sky again. I stood next to him to see what was so interesting about it. The stars were out again but clouds were moving in. ¡°What¡¯s on your mind?¡± I asked him ¡°Pain demands to be felt. If it wants you, it¡¯ll take you. It makes no exceptions. No one can escape from it. You never know when it¡¯s coming. You don¡¯t know how long it¡¯ll stay. The best you can do is prepare for it as best as you can.¡± ¡°What happens after?¡± ¡°There is a version of you who won¡¯t survive it. It¡¯s the version of you that had dreams, hopes, and plans. In losing that, you¡¯ll replace it with something as close as possible that you had before. Sometimes you¡¯ll even swap it out for something different because you think it fits better. But it will never replace what you lost. It will never be quite right.¡± ¡°So what do I do?¡± I laughed. ¡°You can never get back what was lost. It¡¯s that desire that¡¯ll keep these new versions of yourself always feeling foreign. You don¡¯t stop to understand that these new versions were always a part of you. They have always been you.¡± Chris looked down from the sky. ¡°How do you know what I¡¯m feeling?¡± He looks at me. ¡°I don¡¯t.¡± ¡°Then why did you say all that?¡± ¡°You asked me what I was thinking. I answered.¡± ¡°Is what everyone says about you true?¡± ¡°Will it matter?¡±Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road. In every class anyone shared with Chris, they all told me no one had ever seen him turn in or do any work. Every teacher leaves him alone and allows him to stare out in the distance or sleep in class. A rumor went around that he asks to take the final of every class at the beginning of the semester. Chris has aced every single one. It¡¯s the only thing that explained how he had the highest GPA. I heard Chris is schizophrenic. I heard he¡¯s only quiet because he¡¯s autistic. I heard he¡¯s always on drugs. I heard her never showers or changes clothes. ¡°You do a lot of LSD, right?¡± ¡°Not lately. It hasn¡¯t given me the answers I seek.¡± ¡°I want to try it. Help me through the trip?¡± ¡°Even if that¡¯s not what''s supposed to happen?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t care.¡± ¡°Okay.¡± Sara bolted out of the house party and Emily chased after her. Chris said, ¡°Go.¡± Sara stopped to throw up on the lawn of the house right across. She was crying. ¡°What¡¯s wrong?¡± I had asked like I didn¡¯t know like it wasn¡¯t my fault. Emily ignored me as she was too busy holding her best friend up. Sara was screaming. She was screaming. ¡°It¡¯s disgusting! It¡¯s nasty! I hate it! Why did I do it, Ems?¡± ¡°I...I don¡¯t know, Sara.¡± I pretended to care. I held Sara like a friend. I held her like like I didn¡¯t know this was going to happen. I could have thought up a better plan. I could have made one up that Sara wouldn¡¯t force herself to do. I didn¡¯t want to. Not really. ¡°What¡¯s going on?¡± I asked one last time. Ems only took a second. ¡°She fucked Lucas just to quell Amanda¡¯s gossip,¡± she whispered. I never left the tall grass. I always had a fork on my tongue. But so did Emily and so did Cody. ¡°It¡¯s gonna be okay. You don¡¯t have to prove anything,¡± Emily assured her, but the crying didn¡¯t stop. I texted Lucas to see if it was true. It was. He was ecstatic that he finally bagged Sara. The news that they fucked hadn¡¯t even begun to circle around. Lucas wasn¡¯t going to tell anybody. He wanted to keep it a secret. He asked me to keep it a secret. I didn¡¯t tell Emily or Sara this. I don¡¯t think I ever did. I should have. Then maybe Sara wouldn¡¯t have had to put herself through that torture. Sara¡¯s hand trembled as she struggled to pull out her bag full of cocaine. Emily tried to stop her but couldn¡¯t bring herself to do so. I watched as Sara took bump, after bump, after bump, after bump. She finally calmed down and moved to lay on the sidewalk. She was grinning with her eyes closed. I laid down next to her and held my hands together. ¡°You can¡¯t use coke to run away forever, Sara,¡± Emily painfully said. That¡¯s right. Everyone is always running away from something. It can be fear. It can be pain. It can be sadness or loneliness. It can be jealousy. It can be thoughts itself. It can be the truth. Everyone is running. Always running. And we never stop. I¡¯ve been running away my entire life. The perfect persona I sculptivated for myself protected me from what I was running away from. I didn¡¯t wear it anymore. It was slowly catching up to me. Emily sat next to me. ¡°When did it go so complicated?¡± she asked. I was unsure if she asked me. ¡°You don¡¯t see it, do you?¡± ¡°See what?¡± ¡°We¡¯re both victims.¡± ¡°What are you talking about, Elizabeth?¡± ¡°Try and remember. Remember who we were.¡± ¡°You¡¯re drunk.¡± ¡°Maybe,¡± I laughed. ¡°It¡¯s an addiction, really.¡± ¡°I thought you never wanted to be.¡± I don¡¯t clarify what I meant. I don¡¯t tell her it¡¯s Cody that was my addiction. I could see how toxic he is. Emily couldn¡¯t. I knew now, but I still wanted more. I guess that¡¯s what he was going for the entire time. - I took Andrew¡¯s hand and let him lead me upstairs. He shut the door behind us and I sat on the bed. He grabbed the plate we¡¯d been using all night and poured more of that incredible drug on it. ¡°Don¡¯t you think you¡¯ve been doing too much?¡± ¡°I didn¡¯t think you¡¯d care.¡± ¡°If I cared I wouldn¡¯t let you.¡± I snort a line the moment he readied one. Andrew took one for himself. ¡°Can I ask you something?¡± ¡°Would you care if Amanda is right?¡± ¡°About what?¡± ¡°If Sara¡¯s gay.¡± Andrew prepped another line for me. ¡°I know she is.¡± ¡°You do?¡± Andrew laughed. ¡°I¡¯m just waiting for her to muster up the courage to tell me. She¡¯s lost, Elizabeth. She depends on me too much. She has to learn how to stand by herself.¡± I snort the line. ¡°You¡¯re a good brother.¡± I think about my own. ¡°Nah, I¡¯m far from it. I don¡¯t deserve Sara.¡± Andrew does another line. ¡°It¡¯ll come true if you keep thinking like that.¡± Andrew laughed. It wasn¡¯t loud. It wasn¡¯t obnoxious. I never heard this laugh before. It wasn¡¯t forced. ¡°Maybe you¡¯re right.¡± I did my final line for the night. ¡°Y¡¯know, I always wondered how it felt to do a drug deal.¡± ¡°I can sell to you if you want.¡± ¡°No, it wouldn¡¯t be the same. I want it to be like in the movies. With a stranger and out in the open. I think it¡¯ll be cool.¡± ¡°I can set you up if you want.¡± ¡°I¡¯d like that.¡± ¡°But why?¡± I shrugged. ¡°Why do anything at all?¡± Elizabeth XI Andrew waited for me outside a skatepark in a sketchy part of Seattle. I''ve been here a couple of times before to watch Cody skate. We always left before sundown because Cody said that¡¯s when the homeless came out. Andrew told me to wait at a bench. He left to fetch the guy he bought drugs from. The sun was setting and not a lot of people were skating. A hobo was already walking around the area. Andrew came back into the scene with a tall and massive black man. He wasn¡¯t fat. He was all muscle. I stuck my hand out because I didn¡¯t know how drug deals were supposed to go. This is why I was here, to learn. Andrew and the guy looked at each other.Andrew smirked. ¡°How much?¡± the man asked. I assumed I was meeting with Lyle, Andrew¡¯s drug dealer. I only heard the name a few times before. This man wasn¡¯t him. He went by Acid. ¡°Oh, u-um, a hundred?¡± I stupidly pulled out the cash which Acid slapped away, ¡°Fuck, put that shit away.¡± ¡°Let¡¯s walk,¡± Andrew signaled with his head. We started to walk around the skate park ¡°I don¡¯t do small shit.¡± ¡°Oh, um. The max I have is 500.¡± Andrew laughed, ¡°Fuck, I hate rich girls.¡± ¡°That¡¯ll give you a quarter.¡± ¡°What?¡± I turned my head to Andrew who was looking at some of the girls skating. ¡°Seven grams. A quarter of an ounce.¡± Andrew said. ¡°Same amount that I brought at Carlos¡¯.¡± ¡°Okay. Okay, I uh,¡± I paused to fidget the money in my pocket around. This was my first drug deal, of course, I was nervous. ¡°Do I pull it out now or?¡± Acid laughed, ¡°Shit Andrew, where¡¯d you find this hoe? Crumble it in your hand and give me a sec.¡± Acid walked us to a black SUV. I thought it was typical for a drug dealer. ¡°Inside.¡± I got into the passenger''s side while Andrew sat behind me. ¡°Here,¡± Acid extended his hand. I shook it with the crumbled money in my hand and I hoped that was enough. I even tried to do one of those cool handshakes all the guys do but I fumbled and it made Andrew chuckle. I felt the ball in my hand swap with the money and everything felt so rewarding. ¡°You¡¯re a dumbass, Elizabeth,¡± Andrew chuckled. ¡°Why?¡± ¡°Stop being so nervous, we¡¯re just chilling.¡± ¡°So what now?¡± ¡°Why didn¡¯t you just get my boy Drew to hook you up?¡± Acid asked not even looking at me. He was looking ahead to all the parked cars ahead of us. ¡°Where¡¯s the thrill in that?.¡± ¡°You shouldn¡¯t even be involving yourself in this stuff.¡± ¡°Think I can¡¯t handle it?¡± Acid chuckled with a smile. ¡°At least you¡¯re sure of yourself.¡± Acid¡¯s phone rang. I found out that Acid wasn¡¯t Lyle when he answered. ¡°What do you need, Lyle?¡± Another man¡¯s voice spoke on the other line. It wasn¡¯t as deep as Acid¡¯s and I couldn''t understand him, but his voice was powerful. This was Lyle.Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon. ¡°Oh, Andrew¡¯s already here. Nah, he brought his friend for a sale,¡± Acid looked at me, ¡°What did you say your name was?¡± ¡°Elizabeth,¡± I answer. ¡°Some white girl Elizabeth,¡± Acid paused to let Lyle talk. ¡°Yeah, you got it. I¡¯ll let you know,¡± he hung up. Acid reached into one of his inner pockets and took out a small glass vial with a blue liquid inside. ¡°You sure I can have this?¡± Andrew took the vial from him. ¡° ¡°You''ve proven yourself, Andrew.¡± ¡°Is it as good as they say?¡± ¡°Take it and find out.¡± That was my first drug deal. - ¡°What did Acid give you?¡± ¡°Some shit called Winter. Do you want it?¡± ¡°You don¡¯t?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t need to find peace and shit. I¡¯m good how I am,¡± Andrew chuckled, taking the vial on placing it in front of us on the coffee table. ¡°So do I just drink it?¡± ¡°You¡¯re going to do it now?¡± ¡°Maybe another day, I¡¯m busy with you.¡± Andrew snorts up one of the many lines he prepped out of the bag I bought earlier. The TV was turned on in the living room but we weren¡¯t watching any program. It was only there for background. I invited him over to my house after the drug deal. I didn¡¯t want to be alone. I didn¡¯t want to be with Cody either. ¡°You¡¯re actually fuckin¡¯ crazy, Ellie,¡± he said. ¡°Just a girl wanting to have fun.¡± ¡°Does Cody know I¡¯m here?¡± I shook my head, ¡°He doesn¡¯t have to.¡± Andrew nodded, ¡°Right, right. You haven¡¯t told him I kissed you either,¡± he laughed and got up from the sofa. ¡°I¡¯m gonna steal drinks from your fridge.¡± ¡°Go ahead.¡± The euphoria and rush from the white drug weren¡¯t as strong as I remembered it being. It was like I was always one more hit away from getting back there. I knew if I kept going that would would make me closer to an addict. I kept going past any self-imposed limit I set upon me. I prepped another line and took a hit just to see if I could get where I wanted to. Andrew came back with a can of soda and a can of sparkling water for me. He tossed it, almost knocking the entire plate off the table. ¡°Where do you get all the alcohol for us?¡± ¡°I have a fake ID. That and I stopped the store I go to from getting robbed so the owner lets me get away with it.¡± ¡°Oh.¡± We ran out of things to talk about and turned our attention to the cartoon show that was on. We started sitting far apart that distance closed the more time time passed. I eventually made myself comfortable and leaned into him to use a pillow. I knew what I was doing. Andrew¡¯s fingers crawled around my thigh and I didn¡¯t say anything. I wore some ripped-up jean shorts so there wasn¡¯t much to protect my skin from his harsh fingers. They moved slowly. They¡¯re a tiger slowly approaching its food waiting for the right moment to strike. Andrew¡¯s fingers slowly kept crawling up and down from the middle to my knee. Each time he goes up he inches his way closer to my upper thigh. It tickled, but eventually, he got inside my shorts. I still let him. Commercials came and the rush started to come down. Andrew had left the inside of my thigh to unbuckle my shorts. ¡°What are you doing?¡± I finally asked him but he didn¡¯t respond. He knew why I invited him. Andrew was playing just outside, deep in my inner thigh. And I let him. He stuck his fingers inside, and I let him. ¡°I want to know what¡¯s with you.¡± ¡°What about me?¡± He started to kiss me on my neck. ¡°I think you don¡¯t let yourself show that you care about other people.¡± Andrew pulled his fingers out. ¡°My mom died when I was little. My dad doesn¡¯t give a fuck about us. My best friend was shot in front of me. It¡¯s been me vs the world since I was eight, so what do you think? Nobody gives a fuck about me so I don¡¯t give a fuck about them.¡± ¡°I do.¡± There was only silence from him. I grabbed Andrew¡¯s hand and moved it back to where it was playing. My body got shook. I knew what I was doing. This is what I wanted. His hand was on me, driving me, shaking me. I pressed further and further into his lips until he got his penis out and I wrapped my hand around it. I started stroking him. Andrew smiled like this was everything he wanted. He didn¡¯t move his eyes away from mine. Not even after I got on top of him. Not once until he came. He came inside me. Elizabeth XII Chris placed a small square piece of paper on my palm. I placed it on my tongue expecting it to taste bad. It didn¡¯t taste like anything. I swallowed it. On top of the boulder in the creek near the treehouse is where I would be during this trip. Chris said, ¡°A lot of people use hallucinogenics to get a better understanding of themselves and nature.¡± ¡°Is that why you do it?¡± Chris shook his head. ¡°I seek greater answers.¡± ¡°Like what?¡± ¡°You¡¯re going to be tripping soon. I don¡¯t want you to get stuck thinking about it.¡± ¡°Okay, okay,¡± I took a few deep breaths. ¡°How long will it take for me to feel anything?¡± ¡°You¡¯ll know.¡± The forest became brighter first. Then every surface started to form waves on top of them. Patterns started to form on them. When I closed my eyes, a kaleidoscope of colors replaced the darkness. The chirpings of the birds echoed and the soundwaves lingered around. It was fun. Suddenly my body didn¡¯t feel that it was mine and only my brain existed. I was inside of my mind. It¡¯s ineffable. There are no words. ¡°What do you feel?¡± Chris asked me. ¡°What is this?¡± I stared at my hands. ¡°It¡¯s you.¡± ¡°It is me.¡± I looked at the sky. It was cloudless. It was endless. It was eternal. It was my blanket. It was my warmth. I looked down and the wind rustled to leaves. These leaves were a lullaby. ¡°What was I so afraid of?¡± I gasped. ¡°You did it again.¡± ¡°Did what?¡± ¡°Corrected to where the universe wants you.¡± ¡°And where¡¯s that?¡± ¡°Exactly where you are right now.¡± ¡°This is¡­this is¡­¡± The world was moving. It was also at a standstill. The world was quiet. It was peaceful. The gentle flow of the creek hummed me a song. Everything was alright. Everything was going to be okay. Mother Earth was hugging me; hugging my soul. I was her child. I was loved. I love. ¡°This is what love is,¡± I exhale. ¡°Isn¡¯t weird that so many versions of you exist in people¡¯s minds?¡± I asked Chris. Chris climbed the boulder and sat next to me. He took his green parka off and placed it over me. ¡°What versions of you are there?¡± ¡°That I¡¯m perfect. That I¡¯m kind. That I have it all. That I¡¯m better than everyone. That I¡¯m this shining hope to this town that there is good to it. Nobody remembers the versions I left behind. Nobody knows the version that¡¯s the true me.¡± ¡°And who is that?¡± I shrug. ¡°I don¡¯t even know anymore.¡± I was being rebellious. I was lashing out. I wanted to hurt the people who hurt me. I didn¡¯t care if I hurt others in the process. I was just hurt. I was hurt that Cody had lied to me. I was growing out of control just to get back at him. I wanted to twist the version of me he had in his mind just to hurt him. And now I was understanding I didn¡¯t know who that was. I talked big in wanting to care what others thought of me. I thought I was ready to let go of the pressure of everyone¡¯s expectations. I never let it go. I just found a place where I can hide. I spent so much time building the idea of Elizabeth Wilson that I lost sight of who I am deep down. It was my way of fixing the person that I broke. I was running away from that. I forgot what It was. Everyone did.If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it. I grew up awkward and shy. I didn¡¯t have many friends. I was an outcast in elementary school. Girls like Megan and Alyssa were always popular growing up. I always wanted to be like them. It wasn¡¯t until I was 12 that I slowly broke out of my shell. Emily started to become popular around then too, and so was Cody. They were having their glow-ups. I started to date Cody when we were 13. I used to do that to get noticed. I used that to get what I always wanted. My parents were getting divorced and my brother was kicked out. Being popular was an easy way to forget about home. I let it get to my head. There was a suicide just under three ago. There was this girl named Caroline in our grade, Freshman Year. She didn¡¯t do anything to us. She didn¡¯t do anything to me. Caroline kept to her own business and it¡¯s my fault for intruding in her life like I did. I invited Caroline to sit with us at lunch one day. She invited me to hang out with her at her house She became a friend. I betrayed her. I found messages she was sending out over the internet. She was sexting with strangers online. I found her prescription pills for BPD. I thought it was funny to replace them with sugar pills, so I did. I don¡¯t know what I was thinking At a party, we played ¡®Never have I ever¡¯. I forced Caroline to admit that she was sexting online. The whole thing became a slut-shaming fiasco and she got bullied so much that she was forced to move schools. I did it because I thought I would get approval from the older popular girls, girls like Jessica Lynn. It worked. But at what cost? The pills that I stole were keeping Caroline¡¯s mental health stable. I took that away from her. We all found out about her suicide two months later. Nobody suspected me. They all thought that it was everyone¡¯s fault for bullying her, not mine. But I¡¯m the sole person to blame. Everyone forgot that it happened. No one remembers. It¡¯s like it never happened. Nobody cared. Everyone stopped caring. It always happened. Caroline did not exist anymore. And it made me feel utterly disgusting. They still don¡¯t remember. - Chris walked me home before the sun could fully set. I still had a few hours left on my trip but the most intense part was over. Chris told me that I should lie down and watch something relaxing. I wasn¡¯t in my head as much, but I still wanted to be myself for a moment. There was a lot I had processed and needed to relax. I sat down on my sofa and reached over for the TV remote. The vial of Winter that Andrew gave me was right next to it. I picked that up instead. I knew very little about this drug. There wasn¡¯t much to find while I looked it up. It was most popular five years ago and then it suddenly vanished. A few posts on online forums said it was the greatest experience in the world. No one experiences the same thing so nobody can properly describe it. All I got was that the high is personal to the individual. That it makes you whole. I drank the vial. It was freezing mint. - When I was little I used to cry for my dad whenever I woke up in the middle of the night. It was always because of thirst and I was to get myself a glass of water. I was scared of the dark. I always thought a monster lurked in the shadows. My dad always made sure there were no monsters around. The last time I saw him happy, he took me on a day at the beach. He taught me how to swim that day. He taught me that the ocean wasn¡¯t as scary as I thought and that it was peaceful. I liked to lay on an inflatable float listening to the ocean¡¯s waves. Now my dad¡¯s gone with some other woman somewhere in the country and we don¡¯t talk. He wasn¡¯t a terrible father, it¡¯s just that I¡¯m the bad daughter. I didn¡¯t reach out to him. I never thought about him. I forgot about him. Perhaps that¡¯s why I was still scared of things I couldn¡¯t see. - In my room, there was a woman in a white dress standing in front of my poster of Emmah. She was staring at it with one hand on it. She wore the same stunning dress as the one in the poster. This woman was blonde however and looked nothing like her. I couldn¡¯t recognize her. The woman¡¯s head turned at me. ¡°Life is beautiful, really, it is,¡± She said in an almost angelic voice. It was soothing and peaceful. Motherly. Her body was slightly transparent and a rainbow of hues surrounded her like an aura. ¡°Life is great,¡± She continued. ¡°Without it, you¡¯ll be dead,¡± I finished for her. ¡°Life is beautiful, really, it is. Filled with beauty and illusions,¡± The woman walked up to me and hugged me. I walked up the stairs and entered my room. Inside there was a woman in a white dress, the same as the poster. Her blonde hair was perfectly straight. Her hands were clasped together. She was waiting for me. ¡°Life is beautiful, really, it is,¡± She said in an Angelic voice. ¡°Life is great,¡± ¡°Without it, you¡¯ll be dead,¡± I finished for her. ¡°Life is beautiful, really, it is. Filled with beauty and illusions,¡± The woman walked up to me and hugged me. Again. I walked into my room again. The woman in white was waiting for me with her hands clasped together. Her smile was gentle. Her eyes were white. She wore the dress I spent months searching for. ¡°Life is beautiful, really, it is,¡± She said as an angel. ¡°Life is great,¡± ¡°Without it, you¡¯ll be dead,¡± I finished for her. ¡°Life is beautiful, really, it is. Filled with beauty and illusions,¡± The woman walked up to me and hugged me. Once more. The woman''s irises were white. I could see through her body. Her smile reminded me of my mother¡¯s. The aura around her was now golden. She loved me, and I loved her. ¡°Life is beautiful,¡± I said. ¡°Really, it is. Filled with beauty and illusions. Life is great. Without it, you¡¯d be dead.¡± The woman closed her eyes and nodded. She hugged me. Everything became dark. The ocean¡¯s waves sang back and forth. ¡°Is everything alright?¡± A child¡¯s voice asked me. I recognized it. It was mine. ¡°You wouldn¡¯t like the person we become.¡± ¡°Why not?¡± ¡°I¡¯m ugly.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t think so.¡± ¡°I promise.¡± ¡°What do you promise?¡± ¡°That one day I¡¯ll be somebody you¡¯ll be proud of.¡± ¡°But you¡¯re somebody now. I¡¯m already proud.¡± - I woke up and got off the floor. I was sober now. I sat on my bed. There was never a woman inside my room. She wasn¡¯t real. The handprint on the poster was. Elizabeth XIII I don¡¯t remember. The woman in the white dress. That¡¯s all I could remember. I got home right before 9 PM. I ingested that Winter drug around twenty minutes later. I think around 10 I met the woman in white. I woke up six hours later. It wasn¡¯t a dream. I didn¡¯t pass out. I was conscious but had no memory of what I was doing. I was in love with myself. This body of mine weighed nothing. I no longer felt that I was someone else. There wasn¡¯t anything to run away from. I took Winter while coming down on LSD. The doors of perception were already open. That¡¯s the best way I can describe it. These doors were opened and I was connected to one of the many spiderwebs that hold the world together. All is beautiful. In a world that is consumed by darkness and negativity, it¡¯s the threads of hope and light that form love. It rejects evil. It¡¯s the goodness in our hearts. A wish for a kinder world. I was that love. Then I took Winter. Maybe it was a dream. Maybe I was deluding myself into thinking it wasn¡¯t. Maybe I just went insane in all the positive ways. I met a ghost. I met a guardian angel. And she told me everything was going to be okay. But there was something more. Something I saw. Something I wanted to remember. Something I didn¡¯t want to lose. What¡¯s it called when go somewhere new, a place you have never been before, but it feels familiar? That you fit there and it feels right. Like in another life, it¡¯s home? It¡¯s different. It¡¯s safe. That¡¯s where I went. An afterglow of being connected to the threads of love was still surrounding me. It was fading and I was falling back to reality to where things were normal. I didn¡¯t want to go back. I was at peace. I asked Andrew if he could get more of that drug. I wanted to meet the woman in white again. There was purpose within her. There was so much more for her to tell me. There was so much more for me to see. ¡°Sorry, babes,¡± he said over the phone. ¡°I gave you the only one I¡¯m allowed.¡± The afterglow faded. I was left to dwell on the future ramifications of my actions. I cheated on Cody. Our relationship was over now, perhaps since I found out about the promise he had with Emily. I knew that. I wanted to tell him. But I couldn¡¯t. The way his eyes pierced into my soul stopped me. His eyes were my addiction.The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement. ¡°It¡¯s all good,¡± he said after I apologized for how I was acting. ¡°We¡¯ll talk about it later.¡± I sat on the bleachers, Cody took his skateboard and lept down into the skating rink. I watched; like many other days. Things were different now. I was different. I had to correct the wrongs I¡¯ve done. ¡°Elizabeth?¡± A familiar voice asked next to me. It took me a second to recognize him. I jumped up and hugged him once I did. It was my brother. ¡°Holy shit!¡± ¡°I can¡¯t believe you¡¯re here. I missed you.¡± I unwrapped myself off him. Matt smelt burnt, of cigarettes and something else pungent. His clothes were dirty. His lips were chapped. ¡°I miss you too¡­¡± ¡°What are you doing here?¡± ¡°Oh. I¡¯m here with my boyfriend. Matt, how have you been doing? Mom says nothing but bad of you.¡± My brother nervously chuckled. ¡°I¡¯ve been trying to get back on my feet. As you can tell, I¡¯m homeless, but that¡¯s alright. I¡¯ve been making by.¡± Cody had noticed my brother but kept his distance. He allowed me to catch up with him. We talked for half an hour. Matt told me everything that went on after he was kicked out. He told me of what our mom kept from me. Like how our mother was dating my stepfather before the divorce. Like how our mother was part of the reason why my father had so much debt. As good as it was seeing my brother was, he wasn¡¯t the person I last remember. He no longer had the kind-hearted smile of my big brother. He¡¯d stutter his words and sometimes not even register my own. Matt would run off into tangents and I had to bring him back to the topic on hand. Cody thought it a great idea to introduce himself once the sun was setting. It was time to leave. Before we did, I got Matt¡¯s contact info to stay in touch. We went back to Cody¡¯s house, to his room. I laid on his bed while he sat next to me to smoke weed. ¡°You have a lot on your mind,¡± he told me. ¡°Want some?¡± I shook my head. ¡°Is that your superpower? You always look at me like you know everything about me.¡± ¡°Oh, do I?¡± Cody chuckled. ¡°Is that what you do?¡± ¡°Want to tell me what¡¯s going on now?¡± ¡°Emily told me about the promise. Why didn¡¯t you tell me? I thought I didn¡¯t have to worry.¡± ¡°Is that it?¡± Cody brushed it off. ¡°We made that promise when we were kids. That¡¯s all there is to it. You¡¯re the one I want right now, Ellie.¡± ¡°Right now.¡± ¡°Yeah.¡± ¡°Not forever?¡± Cody scoffed, ¡°I can¡¯t see the future. I can¡¯t make that promise.¡± ¡°But you can with Emily.¡± ¡°We were kids,¡± he groaned. ¡°So why are you with me? It isn¡¯t because you see through the mask I put on.¡± ¡°Because I like you. You¡¯re fun. "Do you think I''m a joke?" "Of course not." "You don''t have to lie to me to make me feel better." "Are you asking if I think you''re a joke or that you think that?" "Both. I guess." "You wouldn''t be my girlfriend if I thought that. This facade you put on, it''s not a joke, it''s you." "Who would you pick? Me or Emily?" "What kind of question is that?" "What is it about Emily that I can''t fulfill you how she can?" Cody got up from the bed and paced around his room. ¡°If I wanted Emily, I would be with her. Stop making problems that don¡¯t exist.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t they?¡± ¡°You¡¯re crazy.¡± ¡°What¡¯s stopping you from being with her? She loves you. I can see it in her eyes. You¡¯re hurting her.¡± ¡°She¡¯s a big girl. If she had a problem with me she would tell me.¡± I sat up. My eyes didn¡¯t leave the sight of my wiggling toes. ¡°I fucked Andrew.¡± Cody stopped in his tracks. In my peripheral, he sat on his desk, silent. ¡°Aren¡¯t you going to say anything?¡± ¡°I forgive you.¡± ¡°What Why?!¡± ¡°You were lost, weren¡¯t you? You were mad at me. You should have told me what was going on so you didn¡¯t have to.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t bullshit me, how can you stay calm?!¡± ¡°What, do you want me to break up with you?¡± ¡°No¡­I¡­Don¡¯t you care?¡± ¡°Look at where we¡¯re standing, Elizabeth.¡± My cranium began to squeeze on itself. A migraine. I was unable to talk until the headache started to fade. By that time, Cody was sitting next to me, holding my hand. ¡°What are you doing?¡± ¡°You¡¯ll always be mine, Ellie,¡± he whispered. ¡°You can¡¯t push me away.¡± ¡°I¡¯m still in the tall grass, Cody.¡± ¡°Did I ever say it was a bad thing?¡± ¡°But I am.¡± ¡°Are you afraid you don¡¯t deserve me?¡± Elizabeth XIV Acid rolled down the windows of his black SUV and signaled to get it. Andrew got inside the passenger and I behind him. ¡°How¡¯d you get through all the blow, already? Why aren¡¯t you going through your boy?¡± He asked me. ¡°That¡¯s not why I¡¯m here.¡± ¡°Mind filling me in then, Andrew?¡± Andrew shrugged, ¡°She didn¡¯t tell me.¡± ¡°What do you want then?¡± ¡°I want to meet Lyle.¡± ¡°What?¡± Both Acid and Andrew asked in unison. ¡°What for?¡± Acid followed up. ¡°He¡¯s your boss, right? I want the thrill of meeting him.¡± ¡°What the fuck is she talking about, Andrew?¡± ¡°Fuck if I know. She¡¯s been doing what she wants lately,¡± Andrew laughed. ¡°Lyle isn¡¯t someone who¡¯ll give you the time, Ellie.¡± ¡°Your boy is right. You have no business with him.¡± ¡°Call him. I just want to meet him one time.¡± Acid rolls his eyes which I see through the rearview mirror. ¡°Waste of my fucking time,¡± he said under his breath as he pulled out his phone. Lyle answered. ¡°Someone¡¯s asking for you,¡± Acid said. ¡°Andrew¡¯s friend from the other day. Yeah, Elizabeth. I don¡¯t know. Who fucking knows? Are you sure? Yeah, okay.¡± Acid hung up, then turned on the car¡¯s engine. ¡°Where are we going?¡± I asked. ¡°Where do you think?¡± - Acid pulled into a parking lot of a building in the industrial district of Seattle. To get to the front, he drove around the back first. Trailer trucks were docking into the building as another was leaving. Some of the workers were outside, smoking, probably on a break. As the truck that was undocked drove past us, I caught a glimpse of the driver. A woman, like the workers smoking outside, and the woman who I see is lowering the bay¡¯s door inside the dock. ¡°Wait here,¡± Acid instructed us in front of the building¡¯s entrance as he entered.If you find this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the infringement. ¡°What are we doing here?¡± Andrew turned to me. ¡°Do you have a screw loose?¡± ¡°Can¡¯t I cure my boredom?¡± ¡°How will this help?¡± Acid comes out with a slightly shorter man next to him. This man is slim, pale, and well-dressed. His hair is long and slicked back, with the sides cut with a fade. His hair is silver-white. His eyes are a tundra blue. A tundra that freezes my body into pure ice when he looks at me. Everything inside me tells me to run away. My heart. My brain. My body. This was Lyle. Lyle eyes me up and down and only me. He didn¡¯t pay attention to Andrew or Acid. ¡°And who do I have the pleasure of meeting with?¡± His voice was deep and strong. Confident. ¡°Elizabeth,¡± I replied weakly. Unsure. Lyle eyed me down again. It took everything in me not to curl myself into a ball. ¡°What are you doing here, Elizabeth?¡± ¡°I¡­I wanted to meet the man Andrew works for.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t mess with little girls,¡° He almost turned away, but I stopped him. ¡°I¡¯m not a little girl! I can handle myself just fine.¡± Lyle burst into a short laughter. ¡°You¡¯re funny. And why do you want to meet me?¡± ¡°I¡¯m bored. I wanted to see if the myth was real.¡± ¡°So what do you think?¡± ¡°I¡¯m not sure yet.¡± ¡°Acid. Take Andrew inside. Sessions left him a message on the whiteboard. I¡¯d like to get to know our new friend a little better.¡± ¡°C¡¯mon, you heard the man,¡± Acid signaled with his head. Andrew walked past me, puzzled and with a half smirk, but didn¡¯t say anything. There¡¯s an urban legend that everyone likes to talk about as a ghost story. Nobody believes it is true. It¡¯s of a person named Sessions. The drug kingpin of Washington. A ghost, a fantasy. It¡¯s a fun tale to believe that a single person is behind the growing drug epidemic of the state. It¡¯s fun to hear all the exaggerated details of the boogieman. A pale man with white hair, closer to looking like a vampire than a human. Andrew once said that Sessions is real. ¡°I thought you were Sessions,¡± I said. ¡°I was. It¡¯s just a title. The love of my life has it now. What¡¯s the real reason you¡¯re here?¡± I couldn¡¯t tell Andrew the real reason. I already asked about it once and was denied. I couldn¡¯t say what it was in front of him either. Desperate isn¡¯t a good look on me. I didn¡¯t need him thinking that. ¡°I tried Winter. Andrew says he can¡¯t get anymore. I thought I could ask the source directly.¡± Lyle laughed. ¡°The vial I gave him wasn¡¯t meant for you. What did it show you?¡± ¡°It doesn¡¯t matter. I want more.¡± ¡°You can¡¯t have more.¡± ¡°I just need one.¡± ¡°It¡¯s not for sale.¡± ¡°Why not? I have the money. I¡¯m good for it.¡± ¡°It¡¯s not about the money.¡± ¡°Then how can I get another one?¡± ¡°Do you know what is it meant to do?¡± Lyle asked, I shook my head. ¡°It helps fix broken people.¡± ¡°I¡¯m broken.¡± ¡°What did it show you?¡± ¡°That I can be whole.¡± Lyle smiled. I get lost in his eyes. They¡¯re similar, like Cody¡¯s, they¡¯re piercing into my soul. ¡°I¡¯m not going to sell it to you. You can have another one, but you¡¯ll have to work for it, like everyone else.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not going to sell drugs.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t have to. There¡¯s other things I¡¯d like you to do.¡± ¡°Okay.¡± Elizabeth XV Everything was a mess. I lost sight of who I was. Who I am. The love and peace that I found within myself were gone and faded away with the drugs that helped me achieve it. Like it wasn¡¯t real. I took a day and did more LSD thinking I would find that peace again. It wasn¡¯t the same. It didn¡¯t feel the same. The doors that it opened weren¡¯t the ones I wanted. Instead, all I got was the reality that I carved for myself. I had to face the cruel and selfish person I hid away again but didn¡¯t have the threads to hold me together. If only I could meet the woman in white again, then everything would be better. She could tell me that I¡¯ll be okay. All I had to do was wait. - I threw a party at my house, the only one I did for the entire summer. The entire school was waiting for me to throw one. My parents were out of the country for the summer and everyone expected me to throw constant ragers because of it. I don¡¯t remember much of it. Emily, Sara, and I were in my parent¡¯s room to have a break away from my party. Sara was doing lines while Emily smoked weed. I lay on the bed, rolling off ecstasy. Emily had heavy bags under her eyes and did a poor job of masking them. ¡°I¡¯m glad you aren¡¯t fighting with Cody anymore. He hasn¡¯t been himself,¡± she coughed. ¡°He didn¡¯t tell you?¡± ¡°I was kind of hoping you would.¡± ¡°Oh it was nothing,¡± I laughed. ¡°Everything worked out.¡± Cody insisted that he didn¡¯t care that I slept with Andrew. It kept bothering me. No guy in the world would be okay with that. But no, he stayed like nothing happened. He never brought it up again and we kept hanging out like I never did. He forgave me. So why couldn¡¯t I forgive myself? ¡°Do you want a line,¡± Sara offered. ¡°Okay,¡± I smiled, sitting up. ¡°I thought you weren¡¯t ever going to be like us,¡± Emily said. There she went again, being passive-aggressive. ¡°What changed?¡± ¡°Sorry to disappoint.¡± ¡°No¡­just, real for once.¡± ¡°What is?¡± Sara¡¯s phone dings. She frowns at the sight of the message. ¡°Who is it?¡± ¡°Lucas.¡±This book''s true home is on another platform. Check it out there for the real experience. ¡°You¡¯re not going to go, are you?¡± Sara sighed, getting ready to leave. ¡°I don¡¯t have a choice until he tells everyone about us.¡± ¡°Why don¡¯t you do it?¡± I asked her. I put Sara in her predicament. Even after I learned that she didn¡¯t have to, I still didn¡¯t tell her. I had no reason not to. I let it continue because I wanted to see the look on Amanda¡¯s face when she found out her brother was fucking her biggest enemy in secret. That¡¯s the type of person I was deep inside. My selfish desires outweighed any friendship I had with Sara. ¡°It¡¯ll hurt Amanda more when she finds out herself.¡± ¡°That¡¯s such a stupid reason, Sara,¡± Emily told her. ¡°Stop torturing yourself.¡± ¡°I won¡¯t be long,¡± Sara smiled, but I saw right through it. No part of her smile was genuine. ¡°She¡¯s so stupid,¡± Emily complained to me once Sara shut the door behind her. ¡°Let her have her revenge.¡± ¡°At the cost of her sanity? Don¡¯t encourage her.¡± ¡°Why haven¡¯t you gotten revenge on Cody?¡± ¡°What are you talking about?¡± ¡°You hate that we¡¯re together, don¡¯t you? You love him, but all he does is hurt you. Don¡¯t you hate me?¡± Emily grabbed the coke plate off the bed and snorted a line. ¡°I¡¯m not going to stop being your friend over it. I¡¯m fine with where things are at.¡± She said that, but I never believed her. I couldn¡¯t. Not after how she acts around him when she knows I¡¯m looking. She was doing the same things that night. Emily would get closer to Cody and always have her hands on him. She made sure his attention was only on her. She¡¯d glance at me just to make sure I was looking. Emily kept doing it after we went downstairs and joined the rest of the crowd. It was like she was saying, ¡°He will never be fully yours.¡± - Jana Kramer pulled me aside before my jealousy convinced me that Cody would pick Emily over me again. ¡°I¡¯ve been looking for you.¡± ¡°Jana Kramer, hi. What¡¯s up?¡± ¡°It¡¯s just you haven¡¯t been yourself lately. You barely talk to us anymore, I¡¯m worried.¡± ¡°I didn¡¯t know I have to keep in touch 24/7¡± I smiled at her, unsure if it was real or not. I didn¡¯t have a mirror so I could tell. Jana Kramer smacked her lips into a frown. ¡°That¡¯s not what I mean. I just missed you. We haven¡¯t hung out in a while.¡± ¡°Sorry. Things have been chaotic lately.¡± She laughed, ¡°It¡¯s not all chaos. We¡¯re still kids, who knows what can happen.¡± I forgot I was only 17. My birthday was just three months away. We were so young, but I felt so much older than I was. I acted older than I was. I didn¡¯t have to. I didn¡¯t have to do anything. Then again, this party was just for the bullshit, just a way to pass the time. ¡°Guess who messaged me the other day? Megan.¡± ¡°What does she want?¡± ¡°She wants to be our friend again. She said she doesn¡¯t want any bad blood when school starts.¡± ¡°What? Can¡¯t she handle everyone seeing the snake that she is?¡± ¡°I guess not She said that she¡¯s sorry. She sounded sincere to me.¡± I scoffed, ¡°If she¡¯s really sorry then she can apologize to my face.¡± ¡°I¡¯ll let her know.¡± ¡°I was kidding.¡± ¡°My parents are taking my brother for a church thing for the weekend. Should I throw a party?¡± Jana Kramer switched subjects. ¡°You? The church girl? Do you even have it in you?¡± ¡°I think it¡¯ll be cool. I¡¯m tired of people thinking I¡¯m a prude.¡± ¡°Since when did you care what others think?¡± ¡°I care what you do.¡± - Megan stood in front of my house the following morning. I made her wait thinking I wasn¡¯t going to answer before I opened the door. She apologized like how Jana Kramer said she wanted to. Megan only talked about herself and how hard it¡¯s been for her through the summer. She was sorry that she didn¡¯t value our friendship more. She was sorry for everything she did. Megan even brought the tears out. I accepted. And just like that, the band was back together. I didn¡¯t do it because I missed her or because I forgave her. I did it as part of my revenge. What better way to enjoy the flavor if not from within? I could make Megan feel safe and secure and then pull out the rug under her. Andrew pulled through at some point and made Megan cheat on Connor. His eyes were now set on Amanda. All the ammo I needed was falling into my lap. I wanted to personally be there when they found out what Andrew and Sara had been doing. That¡¯s what they get for being in the tall grass. Elizabeth XVI Lyle drove me around Seattle. For him to give me another vial of Winter, I had to work for him. I didn¡¯t have to sell drugs or do anything weird. All I did was collect money. I didn¡¯t ask why I was doing it. It wasn¡¯t hard. Lyle would stop at someone¡¯s house and I would knock on their door and ask for the debt. Sometimes that debt came from advances on a drug deal or as a loan. I didn¡¯t care why these people owed Lyle money. Lyle assured me that I wouldn¡¯t be in danger of doing all of this. He didn¡¯t tell me what I had to do when someone couldn¡¯t bring out the money. That part hadn¡¯t came up yet. In between houses, we talked. Lyle was like: ¡°Is it self-destruction?¡± I was like: ¡°More like apathy.¡± ¡°Winter won¡¯t make you able to find what you¡¯re looking for,¡± he snarked. ¡°It only gives you the path.¡± Lyle, in his words, wanted to get to know me. He found me interesting. I was special compared to everyone else that he had met. That was the only reason why he entertained me. In getting to know me, he¡¯d ask about everything that led up to me meeting him. And I told him. ¡°So what am I supposed to do then?¡± ¡°Elizabeth, what you feel right now is that you have no control. You let fear control you. Things have gotten so out of hand that you¡¯re not sure if you can make it all right. You¡¯re jealous, insecure, scared, and weak. You think some drug will bring you back to the person you once were, someone who had power, but you¡¯re wrong. Only you can give yourself back that control.¡± ¡°Was I ever that person to begin with? I¡¯m nothing but a tool, an object, a trophy. Even now, I¡¯m nothing but a toy to play with. How do I stop myself from being so angry about that?¡±? ¡°You are not the voice inside your head. You¡¯re what hears it. We spend most of our life wasting time thinking it¡¯s who we are. We attach our identity to something that¡¯s always being watched and, in doing so, convince ourselves that the identity others see is us too. We are driven, unconsciously, by our worries, fears, and fantasies. When we become aware of that, we succumb to it. It strips us from having the ability to see past it.¡± ¡°Is that supposed to make me feel better?¡± Lyle shook his head. ¡°It¡¯s only when we are constantly aware of our awareness that helps. It¡¯s only then that you¡¯ll be able to see beyond yourself. In a sea where everyone else lives exactly how you do, you can rise above it. You can become the storm that controls the sea.¡± I laughed, brushing him off. ¡°You sound like my friend Chris.¡± ¡°Great minds think alike.¡± But that¡¯s who Lyle was. I never met someone more intimidating, someone who had a presence so strong it felt supernatural. Being around him was like trying to walk around eggshells. Lyle was someone you didn¡¯t want to mess with. And yet he was easy to talk to. He was charming. ¡°I don¡¯t like this house,¡± I told him at the last stop for the day. Every other time, I collected in the nicer neighborhoods of the city. I collected from people I never expected to be involved with Lyle. Businessmen, artists, mothers and fathers, and well-adjusted people who had no reason to owe Lyle. I never felt that I was in any danger because I never was. The house in front of me now was different. The lawn was overgrown and toys were everywhere. The house¡¯s paint was peeling off and a window was boarded up. ¡°You¡¯ll be fine. It¡¯s just like all the others.¡± I swallowed my knot and stepped out of the car. It was simple really. All I had to do was knock on the door and ask for Lyle¡¯s money, exactly like every time before. I stared at this run-down house that reminded me of those shitty motels outside of town where only criminals would stay to hide. I walked up to the door and knocked. I wondered who was going to answer and what they were going to think. Someone like me didn¡¯t belong here. I stood out. Someone as pretty as me had no business being here. What I was doing could only be seen as a prank.Unauthorized content usage: if you discover this narrative on Amazon, report the violation. A woman with a baby in her arms opened the door. The inside of the house was well organized and clean compared to the outside. I expected some crackhead to have trash all over. No, this woman was dressed neatly and clean. ¡°Yes?¡± she smiled. ¡°I¡¯m here for, uh,¡± I stopped myself. ¡°That¡¯s alright, I know,¡± she said, glancing at the SUV. ¡°Give me one second,¡± she went inside and out of my sight. She came back a few seconds later with a white envelope. ¡°He asked you to count in front of me, right?¡± ¡°Yeah.¡± Don¡¯t trust, Lyle. He likes to have people do this sort of stuff,¡± She said while I counted the money. I slowed my count, ¡°Why?¡± ¡°He likes to play with people''s lives. I don¡¯t know why you¡¯re doing this, but be careful. Don¡¯t believe his lies. He only wants to control you.¡± The money was all there and she shut the door, having nothing else to do with me. Lyle said, ¡°You did well. Not that scary, right?¡± ¡°Right. How many more days of this until you give me what I want?¡± ¡°Until you prove yourself.¡± ¡°Prove what?¡± ¡°That you¡¯re ready.¡± ¡°And how much longer until I am? It¡¯s already been weeks.¡± ¡°Have you been thinking about what I¡¯ve told you?¡± ¡°It¡¯s nonsense.¡± - Lyle dropped me home but I couldn¡¯t go inside. Everything had only gotten worse. I was forced to wear another mask, this one that pretended that everything was fine. I had to pretend that I was back to normal like I hadn¡¯t done wrong. Like I could move on. I couldn¡¯t. It made me nauseous, sick, and tired. Lyle was right about one thing, fear was controlling me. How could it not when I brought this on myself? I¡¯m the one who wanted a distraction in Cody. I let myself fall for him and believe in his lies. I let myself get jealous of Emily. I allowed myself to use Sara as a tool to be petty. I¡¯m the one who did the drugs just so I could feel better. I¡¯m the one who fucked Andrew. I threw up on my street. Nobody did this to me. This was all my fault. I didn¡¯t feel safe anywhere. The woman in white told me something that I should have remembered. I only had the remnant peace of what it was to chase after. If only I could remember, then everything would turn out okay. I ended up spending the night at Jana Kramer¡¯s. She was the only person where I didn¡¯t feel the overwhelming dread and negativity that followed me. She wore a cute pajama onesie that said, ¡°Christ loves you,¡± Jana Kramer was the only light left inside me. ¡°How can you believe in God?¡± I asked her. Jana Kramer laughed like I asked the stupidest question I could. She sat down on her creaky bed and wrapped herself around her gigantic plush toy pillow. ¡°How could I not? Don¡¯t you?¡± ¡°No. I don¡¯t believe in God.¡± ¡°That¡¯s okay because he believes in you. He loves you just like he loves me.¡± I scoffed, stopping my laughter. ¡°God loves us all, huh?¡± ¡°That¡¯s right.¡± ¡°So you¡¯re saying that he lets suffering and evil happen because he loves us? What makes him save one person and not another? That¡¯s what they say when someone survives a tragedy, right? ¡®God saved me. He saved me for a reason¡¯. What kind of logic is that?¡± ¡°Ellie, that¡¯s not-¡± ¡°If there is a God, he doesn¡¯t love. He discriminates.¡± ¡°Ellie, are you okay?¡± ¡°Oh, God has a purpose. God has a purpose! What purpose is that? What¡¯s the purpose of pain, in suffering? How can you believe in a God that picks and chooses?¡± Jana Kramer was silent. I didn¡¯t dare look up from the ground. I was content staring at it on my chair. I had no right to say all that to her. Jana Kramer did nothing wrong. Like everything else, I just wanted an escape. Maybe I wanted to destroy this too. ¡°You¡¯re wrong,¡± she finally said. ¡°God didn¡¯t create evil. He doesn¡¯t want us to suffer. He doesn¡¯t pick and choose. That¡¯s not love.¡± ¡°Then what is?¡± ¡°The love he gives is the free will we have. We make our own choices. That¡¯s the gift we were given. We can walk our own paths. Just because God is all-knowing doesn¡¯t mean he is the one who determines everything.¡± ¡°Then why doesn¡¯t he stop the bad?¡± ¡°How else would we appreciate the good?¡± If God loved me, why did he let me do all of this? Why was he punishing me? Jana Kramer wrapped a blanket around me and held my hands. My hands were cold. Her smile wavered into a frown when we met eyes. ¡°Want to tell me what¡¯s going on?¡± I shook my head. ¡°Can we just watch a movie or something? I don¡¯t feel like crying tonight.¡± ¡°Okay. We can talk about it some othe day,¡± she said softly. ¡°I¡¯m really glad we got close this summer. I¡¯m glad God let me have you in my life.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not special.¡± ¡°You¡¯re special to me. You always were,¡± she let go of my hands and stood up. ¡°What to do want to watch?¡± ¡°Something funny.¡± Jana Kramer allowed me to snuggle next to her while we watch her favorite comedy. While my eyes were glued on the the TV, I felt like she was paying more attention to something else, to me. Halfway through the movie, I became nauseous again. I excused myself to the bathroom. I couldn¡¯t ignore the nausea that was caming and going the past few days. I couldn¡¯t ignore the cramping. I meant to go to the bathroom much earlier. I didn¡¯t want to be alone. I couldn¡¯t ignore that my period was several days late now. I didn¡¯t want to be alone. The test I bought earlier in the morning came out positive. I put it inside my bag and left the bathroom. I cuddled next to my friend again and didn¡¯t tell her. I pretended that it was all fine. I pretended it wasn¡¯t real. Elizabeth XVII Lyle said, ¡°You crave attention, love, and validation. You love like a dog because you haven¡¯t been loved like a woman. The warmth you seek is the warmth you miss from the parental hugs that were taken from you. How does it feel to live? To have a soul that is rotting? Where do you go to at the end of the day? Is it home?¡± I said, ¡°I don¡¯t want to be in pain anymore.¡± He said, ¡°Doesn¡¯t it hurt? To be burned away like this?¡± I said, ¡°How do I stop it?¡± He said, ¡°You have to let the worst be over. To be left with nothing but ash, and smoke. And when you have nothing left, you can rebuild. Something better, stronger. The storm will pass. And next time when it comes because it will, you¡¯ll be the storm instead.¡± Lyle knew exactly what to say. He made me feel better. I could trust him. He wanted me to be able to stand on my own two feet again. He had the tools to help me do that and that¡¯s what he was doing. But he wasn¡¯t helping me through the good in his heart. ¡°Keep falling apart. I will show you what I see in you once you have nothing left. I show you just how powerful you can become.¡± ¡°I¡¯m pregnant.¡± ¡°Andrew. Right?¡± I nodded. ¡°Never liked the kid.¡± ¡°Doesn¡¯t he work for you?¡± ¡°He¡¯s too clever for his own good. He¡¯s a useful, but he¡¯s not anything special, not like you.¡± ¡°You said that before. What makes me special? How do you know?¡± ¡°If you weren¡¯t, we would have never met. You¡¯re not in a position to understand just yet, but when you are, you¡¯ll see that we are fated to be with each other. Like most days, it was raining. We were stuck at a red light on the highway and it refused to turn green. Faint police sirens got louder and eventually overtook the sound of the rain as they got closer. ¡°I met a woman in a white dress when I took Winter,¡± I told Lyle. ¡°She told me what I¡¯m supposed to do.¡± ¡°And you don¡¯t remember?¡± I shook my head. Lyle chuckled, ¡°So that¡¯s how it is.¡± The light turned green but Lyle didn¡¯t go forward. He didn¡¯t move after the car behind us started honking. They weren¡¯t paying attention to the sirens that were going to cross us. The truck on the lane next to us wasn¡¯t either. The cops were chasing after a motorcycle. This motorcycle sped past us in a blink, running the red light and crashing into the truck now in front of us. The driver was thrown off and landed in front of Lyle¡¯s SUV. The motorcycle was in pieces, parts were everywhere. The body was not a body anymore. The rain helped muddle the blood, but it didn¡¯t hide what was in front of me. The motorcycle driver wasn¡¯t wearing a helmet. And now his head was cracked open in front of me. It was crushed. It was caved in. An eyeball rolled around. Lyle didn¡¯t care when I threw up. ¡°Does death scare you?¡± He was emotionless. ¡°How can you be so calm?!¡± ¡°You¡¯re almost there. You just need a little push.¡± - The following night, Jana Kramer threw her house party. I helped her take down all the religious imagery and objects so her house didn¡¯t feel like a church. Jana Kramer was nervous while we waited for the first people to show up. ¡°What if my parents find out? What if someone breaks something?¡± she was worried. ¡°Would you relax?¡± I laughed, already deep in my alcohol. ¡°Why are you throwing a party if you¡¯re that scared?¡± Jana Kramer didn¡¯t tell me, but I knew. She did it for me. I sat on the porch when the first quests arrived. They all came separately and just happened to come at the same time. Cody, Carlos, and Andrew. ¡°Eyy, what¡¯s up dawgs,¡± Carlos fist-bumped both. ¡°It¡¯s going to be a wild night,¡± Carlos greeted me with a scratch on my head. ¡°Jana Kramer! Where the hoes at!¡± Andrew yelled inside. Cody sat next to me. ¡°Where have you been all week? Making up problems that are in your head again?¡± I finished what I had left in my cup in a single swing, which was the entire thing. That¡¯s all I remember from that night. Carlos threw the biggest party of the summer, but Jana Kramer had the best. There weren¡¯t as many people, but it was a classic Darkwood party. The end of Summer was near and everyone wanted to go hard. My only memories of it came from a third party, a video recording. The school¡¯s yearbook editor, Bo, recorded it all and uploaded it to a private Facebook group. In any other town, this would be the worst idea. The video would get leaked and expose all the underage drinking and drug use that everyone did. But this was Darkwood. The adults don¡¯t give a shit. The cops don¡¯t give a shit. Nobody here gives a shit.The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident. The video started with Andrew grabbing the camera and turning to close on his face, ¡°Yo it¡¯s gonna get crazy tonight.¡± ¡°You¡¯re gonna get the lens dirty!¡± Bo proceeded to walk around the party as everyone greeted the camera. The guys exploded to show off their masculinity and the girls tried to have the camera capture their best angle. The video was edited, and cut to make sure it didn¡¯t drag on anything that wasn¡¯t exciting. The first scene after all that was of me, of course. I was dancing to the music on top of the coffee table with everyone cheering me on. I didn¡¯t look drunk or act it. By all means, I was keeping it all together. I looked at the camera and smirked. All the comments were saying how pretty I was and how much fun I was having. Nobody saw the eyes only I could see. The camera moved into a bathroom where Sara and some other girl were doing lines. ¡°Close the fucking door!¡± Sara said before the camera moved somewhere else. The football jocks were openly snorting too and after Everyone got their one, got in a huddle and yelled, ¡°One, two three, oh!¡± then all jumped up and down to the hype of the beat of the music. Outside, Emily was talking to some of the guys near the pool. Bo catches her as she heads back inside. Emily, ¡°How¡¯s the night treating you?¡± ¡°Just fine,¡± Emily replied with a smile. ¡°Are you recording for the yearbook?¡± Bo nervously laughed, ¡°No, no, that would be insane. This is just for a personal blog that¡¯s going to the Facebook Group.¡± ¡°Cool! Make sure you tag me. Oh!¡± Emily''s eyes widened and pulled someone walking by into the frame. ¡°Get this too!¡± ¡°How much have you been drinking?¡± Cody complained, annoyed Bo captured Emily kissing him on the cheek. Bo moved around the pool where the only two Asian girls in school were sitting, letting their feet soak in the water. They were in their bikinis, too busy talking to each other to get in. They¡¯re both pushed into the pool suddenly by Andrew and Carlos. ¡°What the fuck?!¡± one of the girls yelled. Andrew and Carlos both jumped in right after and to add to the chaos, Andrew pulled off the other girl¡¯s bikini top. She looked down, before raising her hands and cheering. The crowd around the pool joined her and some of them jumped in. As more people came outside, Bo went around saying hi to everyone and caught me walking with Jana Kramer to the pool. ¡°Hey, ladies, where you going?¡± I scoffed, ¡°Can it, Videoboy.¡± Jana Kramer giggled, ¡°Don¡¯t be a stalker, Bo.¡± There are more shots of kids drinking, dancing, taking their clothes off, kissing, and throwing up. A kid puts on a light show with strings and the video focused on that for a while. Bo headed upstairs and opened the bedroom door to catch the latest scandal. They¡¯re all empty except for one, Sara is throwing up in the master bathroom. Bo asked her if she was okay and Sara looked up with wither powder visible on her nostrils. She was laughing. There was a fight between Andrew and some kid from Issaquah. It¡¯s over in under a minute with Andrew leaving unscathed. There are more shots of drugs, dancing, and smoke. Bo then focused on a group listening to a radio signal to see if anyone had called to complain about the party. Of course, the radio was silent. There are shots of me having drinks with Megan and Amanda. After all, I was pretending to be their friend again. I caught Cody watching me in the background. Chris was staring at the stars again. Bo asked him, ¡°Are you okay?¡± ¡°I thought the universe corrected itself. What¡¯s going to happen now?¡± ¡°Uh, okay?¡± A cut happened and the next scene played out. Amanda was in the middle of asking a girl what she was doing there. I was next to her and Megan, silent. It took me a while to recognize who this girl was. Cody was watching. He was watching me. ¡°Didn¡¯t think I¡¯d recognize you, did you?¡± Amanda said the girl. No one knew what she was doing there. No one else knew who she was. Megan did, and so did Amanda. I did too. She was Karen, Caroline¡¯s little sister. She was becoming a Freshman this year. I thought they¡¯d forgotten. Karen ran off outside and Megan and Amanda followed her to torment her further. Cody looked at me and I looked at him. Before I could run after the girls too, Jana Kramer pulled my arm trying to stop me. She said something to me that the audio doesn¡¯t catch. Whatever it was, I didn¡¯t listen. ¡°Who was that?¡± Bo asked Cody. ¡°Don¡¯t worry about it.¡± Emily blocked the entire shot with her long fluffy hair, getting infront of Bo. ¡°Aren¡¯t you going to do something, Cody?¡± ¡°She won¡¯t listen.¡± ¡°She¡¯s our friend. Don¡¯t let her become a bitch again. Remember that happened last time?¡± ¡°She just turned into a different one,¡± Cody¡¯s head was shaking once Emily moved out of the frame. ¡°We should follow, cool shit is happening,¡± Andrew butted it. ¡°Let her do what she wants. She already doesn¡¯t listen to me,¡± Cody said, glaring at Andrew. Andrew laughed. ¡°I thought you would be madder.¡± ¡°I haven¡¯t decided on that yet.¡± ¡°What are you guys talking about?¡± Bo asked. The video would go on and follow the rest of the party while I was running into the forest, where Karen was running away to. This I remember. I caught up to the girls, finding Amanda and Megan laughing over the poor girl. Karen said, ¡°You¡¯re all pathetic.¡± ¡°Your sister killed herself because she couldn¡¯t handle some little roasting. She was weak, like you, hoe. You know freshmen aren''t allowed here,¡± Amanda snickered, shining her flashlight right into Karen¡¯s eyes. ¡°I didn¡¯t do anything! Stop!¡± ¡°You need to learn your fucking place! We don¡¯t want girls like you here!¡± I wanted to stop them. I did. This isn¡¯t what I wanted. I wasn¡¯t the type of girl to belittle others anymore. It¡¯s why I stopped liking Amanda and Megan. But I was pretending to be their friend again. And my life had gotten out of control. Everything was falling apart. And I saw someone die earlier in the day. I grabbed a handful of dirt and threw it down at Karen¡¯s face. ¡°You¡¯re just trash!¡± I yelled. ¡°Nothing but lonely trash!¡± But I wasn¡¯t directing that at her. ¡°Aren¡¯t you talking about yourself?¡± A voice said behind me. Motherly, angelic. I jerked my head back but no one was there. ¡°Ellie, you alright?¡± Megan asked. I turned my head back and kicked Karen. ¡°Fucking bitch!¡± The cocaine was wearing off. I wanted more. I kept kicking Karen and my two snakes of friends continued to laugh. ¡°She¡¯s not an outlet for your anger,¡± the voice said behind me again. But Karen was. I was angry. Jealous. Lost. Delirious. Scared. Scared that I¡¯d gone too far. I grabbed Karen¡¯s head and rubbed it all around the dirt. I was so fucking angry that I didn¡¯t realize I wasn¡¯t stopping. I kept hurting this innocent girl over nothing. When it¡¯s all said and done, Megan and Amanda are silent. A drizzle blanketed the air above and the distant thunder sometimes masked Karen¡¯s violent wailing. ¡°Is this what you wanted?¡± The voice said behind me. ¡°Did it make you feel better?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t see a way out,¡± I said. I was alone. Megan and Amanda were gone. Karen wasn¡¯t there. There were no trees or bushes. There was no dirt. There was only darkness. ¡°It¡¯s not too late, Elizabeth.¡± - Back in the video, people were having a bigger party in the pool as the rain slowly came in. It was full-on pool party with very little room to move. Bo made sure to get every girl who was kissing another girl and lingered on the shots. Andrew was mixing everyone¡¯s drink. Bo asked him, ¡°Is that a bottle of Everclear?¡± Andrew grinned. Nobody cared about what was going on. Jana Kramer was now too busy being a host and trying to control the chaos. Alyssa had gotten too drunk and was passed out on the couch. Carlos was chatting up some girls. Sara was in the middle of talking to her other friends. Chris was still staring at the sky. Then there was this shot of Cody hanging out by himself near the entrance to the woods. The camera wasn¡¯t focused on him so it was hard to see him. Emily ran into the frame and Bo focused on her, then on Cody when she caught up to him. Bo stayed hidden and wasn¡¯t noticed. ¡°There you are,¡± Emily caught her breath. ¡°Did you find her?¡± Cody shook his head. ¡°I didn¡¯t try.¡± ¡°What¡¯s going on with her? I thought she wasn¡¯t talking to Megan or Amanda. Is she mad at you again?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know. I haven¡¯t done anything. Did you say anything?¡± Emily shook her head. ¡°No, not this time. Maybe she noticed that you aren¡¯t fine with what she did. You shouldn¡¯t lie to her like that. You can¡¯t keep her around just because of how she looks at you. This isn¡¯t you, Cody. You can¡¯t keep messing with her feelings.¡± Out of focus, three girls walk out of the woods. The camera pans to the snake trio. I was looking at Cody, who was now off-camera. ¡°Can I stay over at your place tonight?¡± Emily asked him. ¡°Okay.¡± Elizabeth XVIII Cody and Emily were waiting for me outside my house in the morning. ¡°We¡¯re here to check up on you. We¡¯re worried,¡± Emily swung her arms from side to side. ¡°You¡¯re getting out of control again. What¡¯s going on with you?¡± Cody asked. His voice was much more assertive. ¡°Don¡¯t act like you care now.¡± ¡°I¡¯ve always cared. Stop thinking I don¡¯t.¡± ¡°You have a good way of showing it,¡± I sarcastically said. ¡°We wouldn¡¯t be here if we didn¡¯t,¡± Emily added. ¡°You¡¯re our friend, Elizabeth. Talk to us.¡± A black SUV parked on the side street in front of us before we could continue. Lyle rolled down the window to observe. ¡°Who¡¯s that?¡± Emily asked, taking notice. ¡°Lyle,¡± Cody answered. I cut in between the two and walked towards my escape. ¡°Ellie, where are you going?¡± ¡°Andrew¡¯s drug dealer? What¡¯s he doing here?¡± ¡°Ellie, stop!¡± Cody followed after me. I rolled my eyes, turning to face him now that my body was half inside the car. ¡°Leave me alone. I got to be somewhere.¡± Cody''s eyes narrowed, looking down at me, then at Lyle. ¡°Howdy!¡± Lyle smirked. ¡°How do you know him, Ellie?¡± ¡°Hmm, and how do you know me?¡± Lyle asked right back. ¡°I don¡¯t believe we ever met.¡± ¡°That¡¯s my business. Ellie, you need to stay away from him.¡± Lyle clicked his tongue against his teeth three times. ¡°Secrets, secrets, secrets. Their not good for anyone.¡± I fully sat inside. ¡°And this is my business too, Cody. You can¡¯t tell me what to do. I¡¯m not your fucking toy.¡± ¡°Ooh, too bad.¡± Cody¡¯s eyebrows raised from anger to sadness. ¡°Don¡¯t go¡­¡± he pleaded. ¡°Anything but this¡­¡± - ¡°How do you feel?¡± Lyle asked me. ¡°You¡¯re giving me the Winter today, right?¡± ¡°Would you do anything for it?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t care anymore. I¡¯m doing this, aren¡¯t I?¡± ¡°What if I want your body for it?¡± ¡°Then I was wrong about you.¡± Lyle laughed. ¡°I knew you were smart.¡± ¡°Can we just get it over with?¡± ¡°Tell me how you feel first.¡± ¡°You got what you wanted, alright? There¡¯s nothing good inside me anymore. Any light there could be disappears after this, yeah? Then you¡¯ll show me? You¡¯ll let me see whatever the fuck I¡¯m meant to see? Just give me the fucking Winter.¡± Lyle smirked, pulling a gun out under his seat. ¡°You¡¯re ready,¡± he said handing it over to me. It was heavier than I thought. Not in weight, no I expected that, but of what it meant. I stared at it for a few seconds. This was power. This is what came next for me. Lyle wanted me to go up to this house he parked at and shoot at the person who answered. That was the consequence of that person for betraying Lyle. I didn¡¯t want to. Would a sane person want to? Everyone would have refused and left. But I didn¡¯t care. I stopped caring a long time ago. If this is what it meant for me to meet the woman in the white dress, I¡¯ll do it. I proved that to myself when I stepped out of the car. I walked slowly, keeping the gun behind my back. Lyle gave me clear instructions. They were very simple, all I had to do was to pull the trigger and watch what would happen. I knocked, but there was no answer. I knocked again. I didn¡¯t even catch a glimpse longer than two seconds because before I knew it, I was walking back to the car. Droplets of blood were running down my cheeks like they were tears. The image replayed in my head when I sat back down in the car. He answered and I didn¡¯t hesitate. I didn¡¯t even think about it. The bullet went right through his nose, and the guy collapsed. I didn¡¯t even react to it. I tried to give Lyle back the gun but he pushed my hand away. It sat on my lap the entire trip back home. He didn¡¯t say anything. I only could stare at what was in front of me. The street I lived on wasn¡¯t mine. The house that I lived on wasn¡¯t mine. It wasn¡¯t home. I didn¡¯t recognize it. ¡°You keep it. It¡¯s a present of our friendship.¡± He said. ¡°Give me the fucking Winter!¡± ¡°Give me a couple of days.¡± ¡°You promised!¡± ¡°I¡¯m not one who doesn¡¯t honor my end of the deal, Elizabeth. It¡¯s not exactly easy to gather enough Winter for a dose. There¡¯s not a lot of it left in the world. Give me a couple of days.¡± ¡°You said! How is this supposed to make me strong?!¡± ¡°Sit and think about it for a while. You can¡¯t go back. You just have to endure. What you feel now is the the full force of the storm.¡± ¡°Why did you make me do this?¡± ¡°I didn¡¯t make you do anything.¡± ¡°Right, because it¡¯s all me. It¡¯s all my fault. I¡¯m the one who¡¯s selfish, angry and jealous. I decided to cheat on Cody with Andrew. I¡¯m the one not strong enough to not turn out like my brother. You¡¯re right. I am weak. I don¡¯t want to be anymore.¡±If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation. ¡°You don¡¯t need Winter to become strong. You can do it all by yourself. What you did today is just a taste. I can give you more, the power to control others.¡± ¡°I just have to meet the woman in white again.¡± ¡°You will.¡± - But I couldn¡¯t wait. Not after¡­ Not after¡­ I didn¡¯t have anyone to turn to. I wasn¡¯t safe with anyone. I couldn¡¯t trust my friends. I couldn¡¯t bare Jana Kramer being sad over me again. I wanted to call my mom, but she would just tell me I was being dramatic. I called my father for the first time in years. He didn¡¯t answer. He changed his phone number. I met up with my brother in a shelter where he was staying at. We¡¯ve kept in touch, occasionally talking so I could make sure he was doing okay. The good memories of him was all the family I had left. I thought that maybe I could recapture those good moments that I was so fond of. But he wasn¡¯t my brother anymore. He couldn¡¯t give me the comfort I needed. He didn¡¯t care about me. He only talked to me to borrow money. That¡¯s all he ever wanted. He wasn¡¯t Matthew anymore. But I wasn¡¯t Elizabeth either. ¡°Hey, you¡¯ve done a bunch of drugs, right?¡± I asked him. ¡°Do you know about one called Winter? Is it really that hard to get?¡± ¡°No? I have some.¡± ¡°What?!¡± ¡°Yeah.¡± ¡°Can you give it to me?!¡± ¡°I can¡¯t. It¡¯s expensive and I haven¡¯t paid for it yet. I can seel it to you.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t have any money. Mom doesn¡¯t come back home for another few weeks. I¡¯ll pay you when she does.¡± ¡°Oh, okay, I guess. I can trust you.¡± Matt pulled out a a blue crystal wrapped in a plastic and handed it to me. ¡°What the hell is this?¡± ¡°That¡¯s Winter.¡± ¡°It¡¯s supposed to be a liquid.¡± ¡°No, this one you smoke. It¡¯s the same thing.¡± ¡°Are you sure?¡± ¡°Yeah. If you want more, my dealer sells it. I can give you his info.¡± ¡°Thanks, Matty! You¡¯re the best,¡± I hugged him. ¡°Here,¡± Matt handed me a business card. ¡°This is his number. Be sure to include, Op. 64. At the end of your message. That¡¯s the password.¡± The business card was empty in design with only a name and number. Lyle Mendelssohn. - The blue crystal packed nicely on my bowl. I lit the flame under the bowl and let it heat up, just like I was told. The crystal melted into the blue liquid and that¡¯s when I smoke it. The smoke is glass and it cuts through my wind pipe and shreds my lungs. For a moment, I get scared that my violent coughing would spit out blood, but I don¡¯t. I set the bowl down next to the rest of the crystal and wait. Nothing happened. I waited for a high that never came. The woman in white doesn¡¯t appear. And then I wake up, walking through the forest. I forgot again. I told myself I wouldn¡¯t, but this time, I know there wasn¡¯t anything to remember. I was just a bit past the creek, on the path towards Cody¡¯s treehouse. I stopped for a moment to look around. The trees were breathing. There wasn¡¯t any clouds to hide the sun¡¯s rays, and they were burning my skin. A squirrel ran past me and up a tree. It looked at me and tilted its head before climbing higher. I looked down and the dirt I should have been standing on was tall grass, reaching up to my knees. My hands phased right through the strands, they weren¡¯t real. Directly in front me, a blue flower stared back at me. This too was breathing. I picked it, tucking it between my hair and ear and continued walking forward. Chris was sitting inside the treehouse. ¡°What are you doing here?¡± I asked him. ¡°This place comforts me. It¡¯s the only place where I can hide.¡± ¡°Can I hide here too?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t think you can anymore.¡± I sat next to him, hugging my knees to my chest. ¡°I know. You asked me before if predetermination and free will could coexist. What if they¡¯re one and the same?¡± ¡°Your existence tells me differently.¡± ¡°People keep telling me I¡¯m special. I¡¯m not. I¡¯m just like everyone else, fucked up.¡± ¡°If that was true, I would be able to see their threads of fate, but I don¡¯t. I see yours.¡± ¡°And what is it telling you?¡± ¡°That¡¯s the thing. You¡¯re not following any of the ones I was seeing, not anymore.¡± ¡°Y¡¯know you talking crazy, right?¡± I giggled. Chris laughed for the first time. ¡°I know. I don¡¯t expect anyone to understand me. I don¡¯t understand me.¡± ¡°What¡¯s your answer then? Can destiny and free will coexist?¡± Chris looked at me. If he didn¡¯t wear the same clothes all the time, cut and styled his hair, and had more expressions, he¡¯d be handsome. But Chris doesn¡¯t care about any of that. He doesn¡¯t care what others think of him. ¡°I¡¯ve yet to find the answer. I believe I¡¯ll find it soon in you.¡± Chris was another victim of what I did. I broke his mind. He talked in riddles, never outright saying what he meant. I believe that he could see where I was heading. I believe he could the path of people special like him, special like me. Jana Kramer said that God¡¯s love was the free will we experience. Chris believed that some of us are predetermined to be in certain places in certain times. I believe it was his job to make sure free will doesn¡¯t get in the way of that. It¡¯s nonsense. It¡¯s crazy. I know. Insane. But that¡¯s what the high was telling me. Not in words or thoughts, but I just knew. ¡°Do you feel that?¡± ¡°No.¡± ¡°The woman in white is coming.¡± ¡°You know about her? Who is she?¡± Chris nodded, ¡°I never met her. I¡¯m supposed to,¡± he stood. ¡°But not right now. I need to leave.¡± ¡°Wait, don¡¯t go. She¡¯s coming for me! Tell me who she is!¡± Chris ignored, climbing down the ladder. I wanted to chase, but my butt and feet were merging with the wooden floor. A gust of wind blew inside the entrance, knowing the blue flower off my ear. I adjusted it back into place. The woman in white was coming. I waited. I was going to remember this time. But she didn¡¯t come. The sun began to set. In my light jacket¡¯s pocket, the bowl and crystal were inside. I packed more inside this time. The smoke didn¡¯t shred through my lungs, but froze them instead. Everything faded into darkness once again. ¡°Why are you back here?¡± ¡°I have to remember. If I remember, it¡¯ll all be okay.¡± ¡°There isn¡¯t anything to remember. You¡¯re chasing after something you already have. Just because you can¡¯t feel it as strongly as before, didn¡¯t mean you lost it. It¡¯s still in you. ¡°No, no¡­no, it¡¯s gone. I can¡¯t remember.¡± ¡°She¡¯s not coming. This¡­this can¡¯t be like before. We¡¯re not safe here.¡± ¡°You¡¯re not her?¡± ¡°You need to listen to me. Let go.¡± ¡°Let go of what?¡± ¡°Let go of you. It¡¯s not too late to make things right.¡± ¡°No¡­no¡­I can¡¯t. I¡­the body fell. I did that. I did that. Why did I do that?¡± ¡° ¡°No¡­no¡­no¡­No! There is one thing!¡± I gasp back into consciousness. I wasn¡¯t alone. In the middle of nowhere, the moon was shining down upon me. The forest wasn¡¯t cloaked in complete darkness. I wasn¡¯t near the treehouse. I wasn¡¯t near anywhere close to town. I didn¡¯t know where I was. I turned towards the presence that was watching me from behind. From the sky, my eyes moved down towards the woman¡¯s. Her skin was porcelain white. Her hair was white. Her pupils were ovals and her eyes glowed. This wasn¡¯t who I was waiting for. She wasn¡¯t wearing a white dress. She looked nothing like her, but, this was good enough. ¡°You¡¯re the girl in the white dress. I¡¯m sorry I couldn¡¯t be a good girl. I tried. I did try, but I¡¯m tired. I can''t do this anymore,¡± I said. The woman looked at me, observing me. She didn¡¯t smile, she didn¡¯t frown. She didn¡¯t do anything. She stood motionless. ¡°Aren¡¯t you going to say something?¡± Nothing. ¡°Life is beautiful? Is it? Is it filled with beauty and illusions? Is life great? Is it better than being dead?¡± Nothing. ¡°What do you want from me?¡± Nothing. ¡°Are you even real?¡± The woman with the white hair blinked. She left without ever saying anything. Elizabeth XIX Sara was sitting by herself ontop of the park¡¯s hill. She made room for me so I could join her. The night hadn¡¯t ended. ¡°Sometimes I wonder how it feels to die. I don¡¯t ever want the bliss to end,¡± I said. ¡°Don¡¯t be so dramatic. What do you mean?¡± ¡°I mean this. Like nothing else exists and it¡¯s just me left to my own comfort, that won¡¯t ever last. That bliss will soon be ripped apart from me..¡± ¡°That¡¯s not a reason to want to die.¡± ¡°Not want, wonder.¡± ¡°What bliss is there to life? Life sucks.¡± ¡°The bliss of knowing we all die.¡± ¡°I can¡¯t wait until I do. Anything is better than this.¡± ¡°You didn¡¯t have to listen to me. I¡¯m sorry. I was wrong. Sara shook her head. I was being selfish. I was so angry. I didn¡¯t consider other''s emotions. I didn¡¯t take time to think about what everyone else was going through. Sara deserved to know that her brother wasn¡¯t who she thought he was. I could correct this wrong. ¡°It doesn¡¯t matter,¡± Sara cut me off from telling her the truth. ¡°I can handle it. That¡¯s not what¡¯s killing me.¡± ¡°What is?¡± Sara began to cry. It¡¯s why she was there that night. She needed to get away. I held her. I was her friend. For one night, I was there for her. She struggled to tell me. A secret that she keeps from everyone. Emily doesn¡¯t know. Andrew doesn¡¯t know. I¡¯m the only one she told. Suddenly, I wasn¡¯t the only one who was suffering as much as I was. ¡°Stay with me tonight. You don¡¯t have to go back. I¡¯ll figure something out. I can help you escape.¡± Sara giggled, wiping away her tears. ¡°Thanks, but that isn¡¯t your job.¡± ¡°It doesn¡¯t have to be. Stay with me, just for tonight, at least.¡± ¡°Okay. Okay, thanks.¡± - ¡°You have a pretty room,¡± Sara said, looking around. ¡°This book''s true home is on another platform. Check it out there for the real experience. I dropped my heavy purse inside my closet, hiding it away from her. ¡°You can have the bed.¡± ¡°Where will you sleep?¡± ¡°In my mom¡¯s room.¡± ¡°No! I mean¡­don¡¯t,¡± Sara sat down, grabbing onto my fingers. ¡°I don¡¯t want to sleep alone.¡± ¡°Okay¡­¡± I whispered. Sara¡¯s hair smelled a bit like cigarette smoke and old wood. Her body was warm but was shivering regardless. One of my arms was wrapped around her and the other was holding her hand. The wet spot on the pillow began to connect with my skin. Sara was trying her best to stay silent. ¡°Do you think it¡¯s better if I was dead?¡± She asked. ¡°It¡¯ll solve all your problems, won¡¯t it?¡± ¡°Yeah.¡± ¡°Is that the best option?¡± ¡°My mom thought it was. What about you? Will it solve all of yours?¡± ¡°Yeah.¡± Sara lifted her head up, nudging on the pillow so I could do the same. She flipped it over, giving us a fresh, unwet side. ¡°In another universe, do you think we would end up together?¡± ¡°That¡¯s a nice thought, but no, this is all we get. This is it. There is no other universe.¡± ¡°I guess we only regret the chances we didn¡¯t take.¡± ¡°Sometimes we regret the ones we do.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t regret kissing you.¡± ¡°I know. I don¡¯t either.¡± Sara turned around, resting her forehead against mine. She grabbed my arm so both of them would hug her. She wrapped hers around my waist. ¡°Is this okay?¡± I nodded. ¡°Thank you for letting me be selfish.¡± ¡°I think I¡¯ve been selfish long enough.¡± - Andrew sat down in front of me in the diner, but not before taking a drink out of my coffee. He makes a small face, not expecting it to be black. The bitterness is all I¡¯ve been able to taste lately. ¡°I¡¯m pregnant, Andrew,¡± I opened bluntly. ¡°It¡¯s yours.¡± He obnoxiously laughed exactly how I expected him to. ¡°Never thought you could be this funny.¡± ¡°It¡¯s not a joke.¡± His carefree and reckless smile dropped. ¡°You serious?¡± ¡°You don¡¯t have to worry about it. I¡¯m not keeping it. I just wanted to yet you know.¡± Andrew over-exaggerated his sigh of relief. ¡°Shit, you almost gave me a heart attack. You doing anything today? Want to shoot the shit?¡± I shook my head. ¡°You need to pay more attention to your sister.¡± ¡°Sara? She¡¯s fine. What, why?¡± ¡°If you don¡¯t, you¡¯ll lose her.¡± ¡°What the fuck are you talking about?¡± Andrew acts like he doesn¡¯t care about anyone. He pretends that Sara is the only one he does. He does a very good job at it. He was also a victim of me. Andrew does care. He cared about me. He made sure to strip away that weakness. I made him hate the world more than he already did. ¡°Guess what I did last night? I fucked Amanda.¡± That¡¯s what he was doing instead of being home and protecting Sara. ¡°I don¡¯t care anymore.¡± ¡°You¡¯ve been such a downer lately, Elizabeth. You¡¯re not fun anymore.¡± ¡°I was never a toy to be played around with, Andrew.¡± I got up from my seat. ¡°Where¡¯re you going? I just sat down.¡± ¡°Anywhere but here.¡± Elizabeth XX When we were Freshmen, a few of the Senior girls picked on Emily for how she dressed. Now Emily could always handle and stand up for herself but that day was different. She could barely keep her eyes open and didn¡¯t have the energy to fight back. Cody stepped in to stop them but their antagonization persisted. They kept going and going until they were forced to shut up. They never thought Cody would do anything to them. He was suspended for two weeks. That was the first time I saw him lose control. Cody hates it when he does. He doesn¡¯t want to be like his father. His dad is working overseas now because of how he treated his mother. He has to stay away. Cody hates that he gets angry just like his dad. He knocked on my door. I let him in and Emily followed right behind him. ¡°Where have you been?¡± ¡°I¡¯m here. Did I say you could come here?¡± Cody shook his head. ¡°Where did you go with Lyle the other day?¡± I shut the front door and leaned my back on it. ¡°He wouldn¡¯t sell me anything if that¡¯s what you¡¯re worried about.¡± ¡°You need to stay away from him.¡± ¡°What do you want Cody?¡± Emily sat on one of the chairs of the dining table, ¡°You¡¯re scaring us.¡± ¡°What¡¯s to be scared about? I¡¯m leaving you two alone.¡± Cody and Emily were also victims. I made them believe it was their fault. I drove a wedge between their happily-ever-after. ¡°You¡¯re out of control. You¡¯ve been getting fucked up too much. I thought you were better than that.¡± ¡°And who¡¯s fault is that?¡± ¡°Huh?¡± ¡°I¡¯m not the one who fucked with my head.¡± ¡°Elizabeth, what are you talking about?¡± Emily asked. I stood up straight, ¡°Oh, so we¡¯re finally doing this?¡± ¡°Doing what?¡± I walked up to Cody and dug my finger into his chest. ¡°Don¡¯t act like you¡¯re innocent. You knew what you were doing. You loved how I looked at you. You loved how I tried to overanalyze your dumb little metaphors. What were they? That I¡¯m in the tall grass? That I¡¯m a blue flower? You love the attention I give you, don¡¯t you?¡± ¡°Ellie, that¡¯s not-¡± I cut Emily off, walking up to her. ¡°What about you? You hated that Cody wasn¡¯t paying attention to you anymore. You always made sure to let me know that I could never replace you. You liked how jealous I got. He does it to you too, y¡¯know. He likes it when you try harder to get his attention.¡± ¡°And that gives you the right to fuck Andrew?!¡± he yelled. ¡°No!¡± I swung my body towards him. ¡°But you didn¡¯t have to fuck with my head in lying to me that you forgive me! Do you know how much that messed me up?! You acted like you didn¡¯t care like you didn¡¯t care about me. That I was just someone you¡¯re using to pass the time. You didn¡¯t have to lie to me and tell me you and Emily aren¡¯t in love. You¡¯re a piece of shit Cody. You can do whatever you want because, in the end, Emily will always be there, won¡¯t she? She won¡¯t leave,¡± I turn my head to the girl in question and asked her, ¡°You love him too much, don¡¯t you?¡±Unauthorized usage: this narrative is on Amazon without the author''s consent. Report any sightings. Emily¡¯s frowning lips quivered. I glare back into Cody¡¯s eyes. ¡°You don¡¯t care how much she hurts because of you. You don¡¯t care how much you were hurting me. You liked it when Emily was jealous of me. You let her steal your attention from me because you knew it¡¯d only make me want you more. You gaslighted me into thinking it was all in my head. You both did.¡± ¡°Elizabeth, I-¡± ¡°Well, I¡¯m done. I¡¯m done. We¡¯re done.¡± Cody sat down on my couch, sighing to collect himself. Emily was trying her best to hold back her tears. She wasn¡¯t doing a very good job. ¡°Maybe I¡¯m just as forgettable as the silence you two are giving me.¡± ¡°Is that how we made you feel?¡± Emily choked. ¡°Maybe it¡¯s just something you both needed to hear,¡± I sighed. ¡°No one knows you like a person who you shared a childhood with. I won¡¯t ever get to know that kind of love. I won¡¯t ever understand what you two have.¡± ¡°Does this mean we¡¯re not friends anymore?¡± ¡°I want everything back, the way it was. But there¡¯s no point, there¡¯s no point in this wanting. But that¡¯s okay, it¡¯ll pass, like all things.¡± Cody lifted his head up from his arms. ¡°I¡±m sorry,¡± ¡°Sorry¡¯s don¡¯t make it any better, Cody.¡± ¡°And getting high does?¡± ¡°It¡¯s better than what you make me feel.¡± He¡¯s staring at my coffee table. He¡¯s staring at the pipe bowl and the blue rocks beside it. ¡°What¡¯s this?¡± He asked, picking the crystal rocks up, and feeling it. He jerked up, ¡°Is this what you went to Lyle for?¡± ¡°What is it?¡± Emily was hard to hear. ¡°I didn¡¯t get it from him. I got it from my brother.¡± ¡°Is this fucking meth?!¡± ¡°What if it is?¡± ¡°What the fuck, Elizabeth?! You¡¯re turned into the one thing you promised you¡¯d never be!¡± I laughed. ¡°You think this is funny?! After all that talk about how you¡¯ll never be like your brother? Wasn¡¯t that your biggest fear? You didn¡¯t allow yourself to get fucked up like everyone else because of him! And now you¡¯re doing fucking meth?!¡± ¡°And what if I am?¡± Cody grabbed the bowl and tossed it at the wall, breaking it violently. Emily flinched in surprise. He flipped the coffee table with his foot and moved to tower over me. His eyes were gone. I liked to describe his eyes as watchful, protective, and piercing. It¡¯s why I found them so captivating. Those eyes were gone. They were on fire. His nostrils raised. ¡°Cody, stop!¡± Emily yelled, getting up from her seat. His fist clenched. My smirk wasn¡¯t calming him down. I couldn¡¯t move even if I wanted to. My legs were shaking too much. If they weren¡¯t, I didn¡¯t have any oxygen to power them. I was helpless. Powerless. Cody raised his fist. ¡°Cody!¡± I didn¡¯t have the energy to close my eyes. Emily shoved me to the ground and the fists connected on the side of her head instead. She landed on top of me and I had to catch her on her ribs. There was no meat there, only bone. Emily is frail. This is what she hides under her oversized clothes. She¡¯s hyperventilating on my arms. Cody looked down at us, trying to calm down, realizing what he had just done. It happened again. He lost control. ¡°Help me, Cody.¡± Emily struggled to say in between her manic breaths. His eyes are brought back to life, back to reality. He picked up Emily off of me and into his arms. My eyes didn¡¯t loosen their wide tension watching how he calmed her down. The rubbing of her back. The frantic and repeating apology. The kiss on her lips. ¡°Get out,¡± I finally managed to say. Emily and Cody left the second she could breathe. Her breaths became longer and more controlled. Mine were becoming erratic and shorter. My vision was becoming blurry. I was getting my own panic attack. I didn¡¯t have anyone to calm me down. It was just me. Lyle said he would show me how to never feel this powerless anymore. He said he¡¯d give me the Winter I wanted. It¡¯s been days and I haven¡¯t heard back from him. What was on my table wasn¡¯t the same as what I drank. I didn¡¯t meet the right woman in white. I was content with it being close. Lyle listened to all of my problems. ¡°It¡¯s beautiful,¡± he told me. ¡°My suffering isn¡¯t beautiful.¡± ¡°But your survival is.¡± Remembering is an open wound. I knocked on the door again. The man opened it ¡°Can I help-¡± I shot the gun. The body fell down next to me. The body fell down next to me. The body fell down next to me. I appreciate the concern. None of this was their fault. It¡¯s me. It¡¯s me. It¡¯s my delusion. In winter, I collapse. Elizabeth XXI The largest building in Darkwood is the church. It¡¯s hypocritical. Every Sunday it¡¯s packed full for Service yet everyone turns a blind eye to all the sin that happens in the town. I used to come here all the time with my parents. My mom still does. I stopped seeing the appeal. But this is where people turn to when all else is lost. They come here to pray to a God they may or may not believe in. It either helps or it doesn¡¯t. The doors aren¡¯t locked and I¡¯m able to have a roof to shield me from the pouring rain. The cathedral is bigger on the inside and not much had changed since I last been there. My fingers brush the waxed wood of the seats while I walk down the aisle. I was leaving a trail of water behind thanks to my soaked clothes. I walk down the frontmost row. I clasp my hands together and kneel. And I prayed. I prayed to God; any God. I was scared. I was scared. I was just so fucking scared. I couldn¡¯t even pray right. No thought was complete. I couldn¡¯t settle on one. I just wanted it to be over. I didn¡¯t want to be scared anymore. ¡°Ellie?¡± Jana Kramer¡¯s warm voice accompanied her gentle touch on my shoulder. ¡°What are you doing here?¡± ¡°Jana¡­¡± ¡°I never thought I would see you here,¡± Jane was smiling like the great friend she was. She was truly the best of friends and I let her down. ¡°I¡¯m glad you''re here.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not,¡± I forced a laugh. ¡°I¡¯m just here to uh. I¡¯m here to uh...I don¡¯t know why I¡¯m here.¡± Jana Kramer kneeled in front of me, wiping my tears with a handkerchief. ¡°It¡¯s alright. You don¡¯t have to tell me. You can cry to me again.¡± ¡°Why are you here?¡± I asked. ¡°I¡¯m getting ready to lock up. It¡¯s getting late.¡± ¡°Is it alright if I stay here for a while?¡± ¡°Of course,¡± she nodded. ¡°Why are you so nice to me?¡± I asked her while she continued to wipe away my tears. ¡°Why wouldn¡¯t I be?¡± ¡°I¡¯m not nice to you.¡± Jana Kramer looked down confused then back up. ¡°You¡¯re nice to me.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not. I¡¯m not. I¡¯ve been taking you for granted. I haven¡¯t been a good friend to you. I haven¡¯t been checking up on you.¡± She shrugged. ¡°That¡¯s okay. You¡¯re struggling right now. My needs aren¡¯t more important at the moment.¡± ¡°Even if I don¡¯t tell you what¡¯s going on?¡± ¡°Nothing changes if you do. I¡¯m happy enough that I¡¯m someone you rely on.¡± ¡°I broke up with Cody. I cheated on him with Andrew. I convinced Sara to do something against her will. I keep getting high just to escape. Did you not hear what I did to that girl at your party? How can you still be friends with me? I¡¯m not the person you think I am.¡± ¡°You¡¯re exactly the person I see. I¡­¡± ¡°I¡¯m sick¡­I¡¯m ugly¡­I deserve it. I¡¯m a blue flower, more like morning glory.¡±Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on the original website. ¡°You don¡¯t deserve what you¡¯re going through, Ellie. It¡¯s not your fault, it wasn¡¯t a lesson, and it was never meant to happen. It¡¯s not your fault this world is cruel. You were only doing your best. And it¡¯s going to be okay¡­It¡¯s okay¡­¡± She held me. I couldn¡¯t hold back my tears anymore. ¡°I¡¯m glad you¡¯re not pretending you¡¯re doing well anymore. You were putting on a brave face every day but I think you knew deep down that you¡¯re not. I think every time you put your head down on a pillow you think about everything you did, you didn¡¯t do, and should have done. I think you hate yourself¡­¡± I nodded, frantically, now in her arms. Jana was soaked because of my clothes and hair. She became drenched with my tears. She didn¡¯t mind. She didn¡¯t care. I was allowed to cry. ¡°I think that you hate yourself for what you are and are not. You want to be anybody else and no one at all. You don¡¯t know how to be happy. You¡¯re trying to find it in what¡¯s hurting you. You have to stop it, you do. You have to be honest with yourself and everyone around you. You have to tell them you¡¯re struggling because you are. You¡¯re struggling. I wish¡­I wish I can make it easier for you, but I can¡¯t. I don¡¯t think I can. But I want to try. I want to be there for you¡­¡± I looked up and met her eyes and I think I was able to see her for the first time. Jana Kramer never fit in with my friend group. She didn¡¯t like the stuff we were doing. She didn¡¯t have to join us, but she did because I asked. Everything she did it all just for me. She was there because I was there. It took me far too long to understand what she was saying in between her words. It was always right in front of me. I saw that now. I saw it in the shimmer of her eyes. I saw it in her warm smile. A smile I always felt safe in. I smile that never judged me. I smile that always welcomed me. A smile I could always return to. Jana snuggled me deeper into her arms. I thought this wailing ache would be forever. ¡°It¡¯s okay¡­shh¡­I know things have been hard¡­¡± ¡°I¡¯m¡­I¡¯m sorry! I¡¯m sorry!¡± ¡°No¡­no, don¡¯t apologize. You don¡¯t need to. You¡¯re not a burden, Ellie. You never are.¡± ¡°I am! I am!¡± ¡°Shh¡­shh.. It¡¯s okay. You¡¯re not a bother and you¡¯ll never be. Shh¡­shh¡­just cry in my arms. No, no, no, no, It¡¯s okay, I¡¯m here, you¡¯ll be okay. I know you just want things to hurry up so it¡¯ll get better. You think you have to go through it alone, but you don¡¯t. I¡¯ll always be here.¡± She held my hand, taking a seat next to me as I took mine. ¡°Thanks, Jana,¡± I snorted, drying the last of my tears. I was able to smile. ¡°Can you call me by my real name? I don¡¯t like being Jana anymore.¡± ¡°Why not?¡± ¡°I want to hear you say my name¡­¡± ¡°Okay,¡± I nodded. ¡°Freyja¡­¡± The girl formally known as Jana smiled widely, looking down and away to hide herself from blushing. ¡°I¡­I got to finish locking up. I¡¯ll be back,¡± Frejya excused herself. She came back when she was ready, holding up an umbrella. ¡°I¡¯ll walk you home.¡± I stuck close to her as the umbrella barely could fit us both under it. I helped her hold it up, my fingers brushing against hers. ¡°A blue flower, more like morning glory. What does that mean?¡± ¡°Oh, it¡¯s nothing. It¡¯s just a silly phrase.¡± ¡°I¡¯m glad you¡¯re feeling better now.¡± ¡°It¡¯s all thanks to you,¡± I smiled. ¡°We¡¯re here¡­¡± ¡°What? Already? That was fast.¡± ¡°Time flies by when I¡¯m with you,¡± Freyja nervously laughed. ¡°I guess I like being around you too,¡± We stopped in front of my front door where the rain could no longer fall. ¡°Do you want to come inside? We don¡¯t have to end the night here.¡± ¡°Thanks, but my parents expect me to be home soon. Maybe some other night. Goodnight!¡± She took a few steps out on the lawn. She didn¡¯t want to leave either. ¡°Freyja!¡± I stopped her from going too far. I endure a second of the hard rain to get under her umbrella again. ¡°I don¡¯t deserve you.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t think like that. You know it isn¡¯t true.¡± ¡°That¡¯s not what I mean. I wasn¡¯t paying attention. I was ignoring it, but I think I get it now. I¡¯ve been hurting you for a long time, haven¡¯t I?¡± ¡°You don¡¯t hurt me, Ellie.¡± ¡°But I do. I did. Tell me what you always wanted to say to me.¡± ¡°What?¡± Freyja jerked back. ¡°I was so fucking stupid, Fey. How could you put up with me?¡± ¡°It¡­It¡¯s not hard. There¡¯s nothing to-¡± ¡°I think I¡¯m falling in love with you¡­¡± ¡°What?!¡± Freyja dropped the umbrella. ¡°I think I never let myself, but I always knew. You¡¯re the only one who gets me.¡± Freyja¡¯s lips quivered up and down. I couldn¡¯t tell if it was raindrops or tears that were falling on her skin. ¡°Say it¡­¡± ¡°I fell in love with you¡­I¡¯ve always loved you¡­¡± My lips melted into hers. They¡¯re soft. They¡¯re buttery. They had a hint of strawberry. They were home. ¡°Stay with me¡­¡± I pleaded. Out of everyone I destroyed, Freyja Elledge was the worst. She was the only positive thing left. And it was almost enough. Freyja was almost enough. If only she would have stayed¡­ Nobody saw me again until three days later, on August 29th, 2012. The day of my suicide. Elizabeth XXII Freyja ran home after our kiss. She told herself that homosexuality was a sin and this couldn¡¯t happen. I asked to see her the next morning so we could talk about us. She texted me that she needed a day or two to gather her thoughts before she could. I never saw her again. She came down with the flu. She said it was the punishment for running through the rain that night. I tried to joke and say God punished her for letting me kiss her, but she didn¡¯t find that funny. I never saw Freyja again. - ¡°Hey honey, you never call. Did something come up?¡± ¡°Mom, it¡¯s been three days, you haven¡¯t called.¡± ¡°Oh I¡¯m sorry, things have been so busy the past few days. How are things, Elizabeth? Are you still feeling down?¡±¡± I faked a burst of laughter, ¡°It¡¯s okay, I can take care of myself.¡± ¡°That¡¯s good to hear. Hey listen, It¡¯s still going to be a week before we come home, how are you on food and money?¡±The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation. ¡°Fine, I have more than enough,¡± I lied. I ran out of money weeks ago and out of food a couple of days ago. ¡°So you¡¯re coming back next Wednesday then?¡± ¡°Yeah. You should have come with us. It¡¯s lovely here. Maybe next summer.¡± ¡°Yeah, maybe next summer,¡± I frowned. ¡°Are you sure everything is alright? You don¡¯t sound well. If you¡¯re getting sick you can go to the clinic. I keep your insurance card in my folders above the closet.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not getting sick.¡± ¡°Then why do you sound so awful? You never call first. What happened?¡± ¡°Nothing¡­Nothing! I¡¯m fine. I¡¯m fine. I am.¡± ¡°Are you sure?¡± ¡°Yeah¡­¡± ¡°Okay¡­listen I gotta go. Clint is waiting for me. Call me again if you need anything.¡± ¡°Hey, mom?¡± I paused. I thought about all the fights I had over the years with this woman. She is irritating and stubborn. I remembered every little bit that I disliked about her. She¡¯s materialistic, self-centered, and vain. My mother is in every way who I am but only 20 years older. She¡¯s in every little bit and piece of the same mess as I am. Still, she¡¯s my mother. She¡¯s a good one. She cares. My mom always tried her hardest to make me happy. I knew that deep down inside she loved me. I loved her too. I remember how hard she tried to cheer me up after her divorce. I remember all of the lies she told me. She just wanted to protect me from getting hurt by the truth. Turned out she was right, all along. I remember that she wouldn¡¯t leave my side whenever I had a nightmare and was too afraid to go to sleep. She did what my dad did after he left. ¡°Yeah?¡± Which is why I tried so hard not to cry when I told her, ¡°I love you.¡± But I failed. They were silent. ¡°I love you too, Elizabeth. Have a great week at school.¡± Hearing those words shouldn''t have hurt as much as they did. Final It¡¯s raining down again. Like always. It never stops. I woke up before the sun had a chance to rise, not that there was a sun to see when it did. Today was the first day back at school and all the drama was ready to be discussed. Even with a lack of effort, my makeup still came out stunning. Megan wanted to show up on the first day dressed as a theme. I didn¡¯t listen. I wore what I found comfortable. I¡¯d returned to hanging out with her after she apologized to me. She was none the wiser. A snake can¡¯t see another if it¡¯s camouflaged. The sun finally rose as I was gathering everything ready inside my backpack, the gun Lyle gave me included. I wasn¡¯t sure how I would go out just yet. Megan deserved to go. So did Amanda. So did every other so-called friend that hung around me. There were several, but they were never important, so why mention them? It would become a national tragedy. Everyone will say they didn¡¯t see it coming. They would say I was the nicest girl. They would ask how could this have happened, and how could it have been prevented. They would advocate for change so something like this never happens ever again. But nothing will change. It never will. Stuck inside my daydreams, I don¡¯t notice I bump into a little girl standing right outside the entrance to the school. It broke me out of my morbid thoughts. I find Amanda furious at her brother before the first bell rings. The secret that he¡¯s been hooking up with Sara finally got out and she¡¯s just as mad as I thought. ¡°I¡¯m going to kick her fucking ass next time I see her!¡± ¡°No, you¡¯re not,¡± I command her. ¡°This obsessive hatred you have over her isn¡¯t a good look on you.¡± ¡°Yeah, no, no, you¡¯re right,¡± Amanda calmed herself. ¡°I¡¯m better than her. I don¡¯t have to stoop to her level.¡± ¡°Right,¡± I rolled my eyes. - Alyssa sat next to me during my first class. ¡°You¡¯ve been MIA lately. I¡¯ve been meaning to ask what happened over at Jana¡¯s.¡± ¡°Are you mad at me?¡± I responded but didn¡¯t stop looking out the classroom¡¯s window. ¡°You¡¯re lucky she didn¡¯t press charges.¡± ¡°It was better to keep her coming back to this town. Did she transfer schools?¡± ¡°Don¡¯t let it happen again, Elizabeth¡­¡± - Andrew is sitting on the seat that gives me the best view of the window during our fourth class. I sat in front of me. ¡°Fuckin¡¯ A¡¯, Ellie,¡± he greeted me. ¡°Throwing a fucking rager the house tohignt. Thought it would be a good way to start this shitty year, no?¡± ¡°It¡¯s Wednesday, Drew,¡± I replied as dry as possible. ¡°Hasn¡¯t stopped us before.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not going.¡± ¡°Oh?¡± Andrew laughed. It was more obnoxious than ever. ¡°The Queen isn¡¯t attending? I¡¯m offended.¡± ¡°Whatever,¡± I slump into my chair. ¡°What¡¯s this I hear from Emily? You and Cody finally break up? That true?¡± ¡°Yeah.¡± Andrew leaned over to me, his breath tickling my ear. ¡°Hey, you take of the thing yet?¡± He whispered. ¡°I did. I told you not to worry about it,¡± I lied. ¡°Good, good!¡± - I¡¯m the first to sit on the cafeteria table that I labeled mine. Every one of my old group joined shortly after. I couldn¡¯t keep my eyes off Cody when he sat at his table with his friends. My friends. Amanda was still complaining that Lucas was hooking up with Sara. I don¡¯t participate. I don¡¯t even know what they¡¯re talking about anymore. Their jokes relate to a past that everyone but me holds on to. I¡¯m not part of their world anymore. I¡¯m only pretending. I don¡¯t understand the language they¡¯re speaking in anymore. The topic switches over to Andrew¡¯s party. ¡°Where is it at?¡± Megan asked. ¡°It¡¯s in this abandoned house Andrew found a few weeks ago. It¡¯s kind of small but on the other side of town on 12th. It¡¯s perfect, nobody ever goes there,¡± Connor replied. ¡°Sucks that Jana Kramer is gonna miss it," Megan sighed. ¡°Where is she?¡± Lindsey asked, ¡°Well whatever. I just hope it''s as good as the last few, those were dope.¡± ¡°Yeah, because you got totally shitfaced,¡± Megan laughed. Everyone else did too. I didn¡¯t. ¡°I invited this freshman to come. She just moved here, she¡¯s cute, but like ugly cute. A complete dork.¡± ¡°Ew, a freshman?¡± ¡°Yeah, I found her during gym class. We can totally fuck with her.¡± I look over at Cody¡¯s table again. He¡¯s staring at me. I had to look away. He¡¯s looking at me with that same intensity that I liked. I chose to stare at the ceiling instead. Megan asked me something but I wasn¡¯t listening. Her voice was annoying. My ears began to ring because of it. My hand was inside my backpack, my fingers wrapped around the handle of the gun. This was a good time as any. The only ones I would spare are Carlos and Alyssa. I pulled my hand out and grabbed my backpack instead. The ceiling was spinning and the nausea was coming up again. I toss the bag to the side of the bathroom stall and try to throw up. Nothing came out. I haven¡¯t eaten in days. I lay next to the toilet for the world to stop spinning. I had to throw up again when it was static again. Light feet stop behind the stall door and don¡¯t take long to announce their presence. ¡°Are you okay?¡± a little girl asked. It¡¯s the same girl I bumped into before the school day began. She isn¡¯t the easiest to look at. Her hair is in an ugly bob cut that wouldn¡¯t look so bad if her thick oval glasses didn¡¯t distort her eyes to be so massive. The heavy braces don¡¯t do her any favors either. She¡¯s a Freshman but it¡¯s hard to believe that she is. She moved out of the way after I grabbed my bag and tried to shove her out. Grace Ciotta is her name. She was another victim of mine. Grace perhaps was the most important one. Emily was waiting outside for me. ¡°Are you coming to Andrew¡¯s party?¡± She asked me. ¡°What are you doing?¡± I tried walking away, but she followed. ¡°I haven¡¯t forgotten what happened, but I still would like to be friends.¡± ¡°Friends?¡± ¡°Yeah.¡± ¡°After everything I said?¡± Emily ran in front of me to stop me in my tracks. ¡°That doesn¡¯t mean we can¡¯t be friends. You don¡¯t have to be friends with Cody. I¡¯ll make sure he doesn¡¯t bother you. He¡¯ll leave you alone.¡± ¡°I never said I was going.¡± ¡°Come with me! Cody¡¯s isn¡¯t. What? Would you rather go with Megan? You and I both know the little facade you''re putting on isn¡¯t going to last.¡± ¡°Fine. I¡¯ll go.¡± Emily smiled, ¡°It¡¯s going to be a good year.¡± - I ditched my next class and went to the school library instead. I pretended to glare my eyes like Cody would do and observe everyone around me. I recorded a video of me doing it to see how I looked. Like an idiot. Cody walked into the library with his class. He had Atkins, a former professor who believed that art was the solution to all things. I had him last year, he always made everyone write a short poem and read it out loud at the beginning of school. Then in the last week, he would do it again and compare the two to show how much everyone had improved. It was a bunch of bullshit, but Cody was fitted for creative writing. Cody didn¡¯t write anything down for the first half hour of class. He didn¡¯t seem to notice me either. During the final twenty minutes of class, presentations begin. There are five kids before Cody. Their poems are simple, always having a single-syllable end rhymes. Then it¡¯s Cody¡¯s turn. Atkin asked where his paper was. Cody looked at him, then at me for the first time, then at his class. He rapped: ¡°Love either got you on a rope or on an overdose. It has you feeling hope or strung up on dope. It¡¯s like having frozen toes on the frosty snow. What do you have to show for all that blow? Tobacco cloves and tomorrow¡¯s hopes or a sorrow joke? I will crush this love into pieces, it¡¯s my thesis, I feel like I have to prove shit because I''m a disease and ain''t shit. I could feel like kings but it¡¯ll be the snake that bit- Ty hickey by a kitty. Just a timid loser, livid dimwit, cynic image, kimi visage, a bunch of G kids playing for GG. So who¡¯s cooler? The good kids or the one¡¯s who lose it?¡± Cody then said: ¡°I often have dreams that I¡¯ve lost someone. I keep having dreams that I¡¯m a monster. I¡¯m guilty. I hurt people. I want to be stronger. I walk by a field of grass. It doesn¡¯t matter if it¡¯s tall or not. I¡¯m lost. I¡¯m afraid. But I know I¡¯ll be okay because I won¡¯t be the last. There¡¯s a sea of roses by the road. In the middle, there¡¯s a boy. He¡¯s holding something blue, something dead. They call it morning glory but I prefer obscurity. But what¡¯s dead has lived but hasn¡¯t left. And what¡¯s right is but a shadow¡¯s shadow. And what¡¯s left is what I write and in my mind, I like to think I¡¯m a wright. It¡¯s just sometimes hard because I feel like my life is written by Edgar Wright.¡±. I don¡¯t think I ever saw Atkins smile at a student¡¯s poem during the first day. Cody pulled me to the bookshelf aisles after class. ¡°You disappeared again,¡± he said. ¡°I¡¯m not going to let you fuck with me anymore. You don¡¯t control me. I hurt you and you didn¡¯t care. Then you hurt me and never apologized.¡± ¡°You told me to leave!¡± ¡°I don¡¯t care. Everything that happens after is your fault. I hate you. I was wrong about you.¡± ¡°Elizabeth I didn¡¯t mean-¡± ¡°You called me a blue flower. You said I was in the tall grass. Well, at least you were right about that.¡± I jerked his hand off my shoulder and left the library. Alyssa walked me home after school. ¡°I don¡¯t think you should go to Andrew¡¯s party tonight. I¡¯m not going. Amanda isn¡¯t either, but only because Sara will be there.¡±This novel''s true home is a different platform. Support the author by finding it there. ¡°Why shouldn¡¯t I go?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know. I just have a bad feeling. Jana isn¡¯t going either.¡± ¡°She¡¯s sick, she doesn¡¯t have a choice.¡± ¡°She¡¯s been anxious to get better. I don¡¯t think she¡¯s ever been so nervous before. Has she said anything to you? She texted me that she has good news next time we see each other.¡± ¡°No,¡± I lied. I looked down to read the text message Freyja had just sent me. She didn¡¯t want me to go either. She was well enough that she was able to move around now and wanted to see me that night. She wanted me to go to her instead. - It began. ¡°Is it okay if I break down this social hierarchy we live in?¡± I asked the second I got in Emily¡¯s car. Sara and Chris were in the backseat. ¡°Watcha mean girl?¡± Sara asked. I shrugged, then giggled. ¡°I just think it¡¯s bullshit.¡± ¡°A lot of things are,¡± Emily said. ¡°Do you want a line?¡± Sara pulled out a baggie. ¡°Is this the path you chose?¡± Chris asked me. Emily and Sara ignored him like they always did. I didn¡¯t. ¡°Is there any other option?¡± ¡°There always is.¡± - Sara laid down a line on the kitchen counter for me. It¡¯s how I started the night. ¡°Whoa, I didn¡¯t know you did Coke, Elizabeth,¡± some one doesn''t matter and never did noticed. For all my pretending not caring what others thought, I still kept my drug habits a secret. I stop caring. Andrew walked in with a literal paint bucket in his arms with a bottle of Everclear inside. He took out two frozen cans of limonade and lemonade and poured them into the paint bucket. He then poured the whole bottle of Everclear in and finished it off with a liter of Mountain Dew. I was the first one to get a taste. It smelled stronger of rubbing alcohol than what it tasted. I drank three cups before I felt anything from them, and when I did, they hit hard. Someone offered me an ecstasy pill while I was poring my fourth. I took the pill without hesitation but Cody¡¯s arm stopped me from putting it in my mouth He had those watchful eyes again. I shook my head and he let go. Things liked to go fast as always. That paint bucket didn¡¯t help. I was adrift. - We were outside on the front porch. It was Andrew, Carlos, Emily and I. I had a cigarette in my hand. Some random kid was in the bushes throwing up. ¡°Damn lightweight, how much had you to drink?!¡± Andrew laughed at him. ¡°Fuck off, I had 11 beers.¡± ¡°What?!¡± Andrew jumped up excitedly. Of course, I knew he was doing it sarcastically. ¡°Did you hear that?! 11 beers! What is that a new record? FUCK! 11 beers dude, what a fucking legend!¡± Andrew was exaggerating his laughter. ¡°Fuck off out my shit you fucking pussy.¡± Andrew ran up to the kid, pushing him into the bushes and into his puke. ¡°We don¡¯t need lightweights.¡± ¡°Wow Andrew, that was kind of mean,¡± I joked, laughing. ¡°Blow me,¡± He grinned. - I was with Megan and Lucas in the backyard near the garage. Everything was spinning. ¡°So how¡¯s things with Sara?¡± Megan asked. ¡°Great, I think? She doesn¡¯t really talk about herself. We usually just fuck and leave it at that.¡± ¡°She have any fetishes? I heard them goth girls are kinky.¡± Lucas shook his head. ¡°Nah, she¡¯s just the same as everyone else. Truth be told, she¡¯s kind of a prude.¡± Megan scoffed, ¡°Well at least she¡¯s not a freak like we thought.¡± I looked up to the night sky where there were no stars. ¡°Why do we care?¡± ¡°Hmm?¡± ¡°Like, why do we care? It¡¯s not like it¡¯ll be relevant later.¡± ¡°Well yeah, but it¡¯s relevant now, which makes it important.¡± I shook my head, ¡°I don¡¯t think so,¡± then looked down. ¡°I¡¯m going to get another drink.¡± ¡°What¡¯s wrong with her?¡± I heard Lucas say as I was walking away. ¡°She thinks she¡¯s too good for us now¡­¡± Megan''s voice is cut off by the music becoming louder. Inside the kitchen, Sara gave me more lines. This time more people noticed which means there were more rumors. With more lines meant more I was lifted away from being so drunk. The ecstasy was beginning to kick in too. I poured more of that paint bucket inside my cup. - It had been barely an hour passed but I was already too far gone. Andrew pulled my arm down, forcing me to sit down on an old couch outside. I looked around and could barely recognize everyone. We were in the backyard sitting down at a table that was being lit up by a portable lamp. I was sitting on the far right, next to Chris and Andrew. Sara and Emily were sitting across from us. Cody was standing behind them leaning on the porch¡¯s post. Andrew got up and went inside. He came back with a bottle and some shot glasses and sat in between Sara and Emily. ¡°Who wants shots?!¡± ¡°I¡¯m down,¡± Emily stretched herself. ¡°Alright! One shot increasing per person. Meaning we go down the line, start at one end at six.¡± Andrew gives Cody one shot, Chris two, Emily three, his sister Sara four, Chris five, and he gives me six. The bottle of the blueberry cocktail was nearly empty when we finished. Cody started the chain of drinking. ¡°Fuckin¡¯ hell, mates,¡± He laughed with a grin on his face. ¡°Not very strong but delicious,¡± Emily comments, wiping a bit of falling alcohol off her lips. I finished all six and immediately picked up the Coke plate to do a line. ¡°Jesus, Ellie, want to slow down?¡± Sara asked, but wasn¡¯t serious. "As if you''re any better," her brother laughed. I turned to Chris and caught him staring at Sara and Andrew. He was observing the mole on their left eyelid that they both have. Emily asked. ¡°Chris, you good?¡± ¡°Huh? Yeah, yeah.¡± Andrew got up from his seat and extended his hand over to Emily. ¡°Let''s go somewhere private so we can have fun, yeah?¡± ¡°Uh, no thanks,¡± she smacked his hand away. ¡°Yeah, whatever,¡± Andrew chuckled and went back inside. ¡°I told him to stop hitting on you, but he doesn''t listen, Ems. Sorry,¡± Sara told her. ¡°He¡¯s such an asshole.¡± She got out a cigarette and debated if she wanted to smoke or not. ¡°Sara, that¡¯s gross, don¡¯t smoke,¡± Told her then picked up the plate. There wasn¡¯t any left to snort. ¡°Chris, give me a line,¡± Chris pulled out a bag from his green parka jacket and tossed it over to her. ¡°It¡¯s the last I have,¡± he said ¡°Cody, want some?¡± ¡°Ems,¡± Cody spoke up for the first time, ¡°You know I don¡¯t do that stuff anymore.¡± ¡°Pussy,¡± Sara joked. I started to laugh. - For the first time in a long time, I wanted to throw up because I drank too much. I looked at my feet as I walked towards the bathroom. I was stumbling. Andrew caught me as I failed to slide open the kitchen door. ¡°Yo, fuckin¡¯ watch it,¡± his voice was muffled, like in a bubble. ¡°Do you want to go home?¡± Cody''s bubbled voice asked behind me. I shook my head, ¡°No, I¡¯m fine, I just need some water.¡± I didn¡¯t leave the bathroom until I could see straight. - I laid on the wet driveway with Sara. We were staring at the skies. ¡°Hey, thanks for letting me spend the night last week,¡± her words were slurred. ¡°Any-anytime,¡± I hiccuped. ¡°You¡¯re welcome to so any time you want.¡± Sara laughed. ¡°You''re the best!¡± ¡°On a scale of one to ten, how drunk are you?¡± I laughed. ¡°Like a hundred. Duuuude, it¡¯s bad. I have a headache.¡± ¡°Me too. Me too.¡± ¡°Did you see how mad Amanda was at school?¡± ¡°I saw,¡± I continued to laugh. ¡°Hey,¡± I paused. ¡°You¡¯re doing okay, right?¡± Sara grabbed hold of my hand. ¡°I am. I¡¯m okay right now.¡± - I find Megan in the kitchen happy. I don¡¯t like that. I decided that now, right now, is the best time to do it. But I couldn¡¯t find my bag. It wasn¡¯t on me. It took me far too long to remember I left it inside Emily¡¯s car. I ran outside for it and pulled out the gun, making sure it was still there. In my hurry, I didn¡¯t notice that Chris was sitting on the hood. He was staring at it, only breaking away into my eyes when I put the gun back inside. ¡°Shh, don¡¯t tell anyone,¡± I laughed. Chris looked away. - ¡°Let me take you home,¡± Cody asked. ¡°Fuck off, I have a plan.¡± - I found a random pill and took it with a cup that wasn¡¯t mine. - Megan was in front of me. ¡°Girl, we need to get you home, you¡¯re a mess.¡± ¡°No.¡± I gripped the gun inside my bag. This was it. I was pulling it out. I was going to shoot. ¡°Not like this¡­¡± A voice said behind me. It wasn¡¯t real. I didn¡¯t have to listen. ¡°Not in front of her.¡± I looked down to Megan¡¯s side. That little Freshman, Grace, was next to her. She had no idea what was going on. She was too drunk. She was swirling, and then¡­ She puked on me. I didn¡¯t want to do this anymore. Everyone stopped what they were doing to look at me. Megan was holding back her laughter. Connor and Lucas couldn¡¯t believe what they were seeing. I looked down at Grace. She was horrified. I couldn¡¯t believe what I was seeing. Grace was just a nobody. She shouldn¡¯t matter. And yet, I saw. I saw Grace. I looked around again. Cody was watching and he was going to come up to me. I wanted to be alone. Megan tried to stop me, but I ran out of the backyard and into the harrowing forest. - ¡°It¡¯s not too late to stop.¡± ¡°Yes it is.¡± ¡°There you go again, not listening to me. Just because you can¡¯t fix what you broke, doesn¡¯t mean you can¡¯t build another one. You¡¯ve done it lots before. It¡¯s you. Despite everything, it¡¯s still you.¡± ¡°You lied to me. You said there wasn¡¯t anything to remember. You lied. There was.¡± ¡°So you remember now.¡± ¡°Why didn¡¯t you want me to remember?¡± ¡°To protect you. To protect us. Would it satisfy if you knew it wasn¡¯t what you were looking for? Would you have been okay knowing wasn¡¯t going to magically save you? I told you already, it¡¯s always been with you.¡± ¡°I failed her.¡± ¡°Not yet.¡± ¡°I can¡¯t live with myself. You know that.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t do this.¡± ¡°Hey. Are you still proud of who I am?¡± ¡°Yes.¡± - This tragedy exists because I was full of rage. I was full of rage because I was full of grief. My grief kept telling me the same thing: This isn¡¯t how it¡¯s supposed to be. I didn¡¯t deserve this. I didn¡¯t want this. And everyone laughed. I was held up by the throat was was told: But this is how it is. - It¡¯s easy to return to the past, but no one is there anymore. Why did I ever think everyone wouldn¡¯t leave it behind?¡± - Was I anything more than the perception and opinion of others? Was I ever the first choice? I don¡¯t mourn what could have been. I don¡¯t mourn what I didn¡¯t have. I don¡¯t have a constant grief for all the lives I didn¡¯t live. Of all the decision I ever made, all the choices I did, and all the people I touched, I don¡¯t regret a single one. I don¡¯t have a gnawing grief for the life I lived. Sometimes being offered tenderness and kindness is proof that you¡¯ve been ruined. Sometimes it hurts more than it helps. Sometimes it¡¯s so unfamiliar that you can¡¯t accept it. It feels like it isn¡¯t yours. That you don¡¯t deserve it. I¡¯m such a waste of a girl, of a person. Rumination. I¡¯m nothing more. I never wanted a distraction. I wanted someone to see my ugly. The mess. The helpless little girl pretending to be grown. I wanted to be looked in the eyes. I wanted someone to find me worthy of love. I mourn that it was myself who was able to do that. My grief is that I couldn¡¯t understand what that meant. My grief is that I didn¡¯t know how to do so. I mourn not what could have been, I mourn what I couldn¡¯t save. I don¡¯t know whats more tragic, that I kept looking for what I already had, or for what I believed I could find? I was so desperate. I let the words of a man convince me that I was rotten. I let him convince me that I had to break before I can rebuild. He pushed me further down into my darkness. Some memories are like salt in the sea, they become a part of you. You can never forget them. You¡¯ll always carry them. You can¡¯t leave them behind. They don¡¯t belong in the past. And sometimes, they¡¯re too heavy. We lament the suffering we all go through. We delude ourselves that we¡¯ll come out stronger on the other end. Pain does not make a better person. It doesn¡¯t teach anything. There¡¯s no lesson to turn. It¡¯s what you do after that gives it purpose. And I think¡­ It¡¯s a good lesson to learn. There will never be another you, another me. I could have done so many different things to prevent me from losing my sanity. Did it seem fair that I didn¡¯t? Was there a better way to let go of my anger? I felt there was no point in asking for help. I felt that I am meant to be used, not loved. No ones knows all the new people I met that summer. They don¡¯t know about the new places I spent time in. They don¡¯t know just how much I was doing. They don¡¯t know I kept it all a secret. I didn¡¯t want to be strong anymore. I couldn¡¯t stay sober. I ruined everything I touched. I hurt everyone I care about. It got worse. Worthless. No one knows just how bad I got. That secret is mine and only mine. What happens when you find love, the love you had inside yourself, in someone else? What if there was someone who saw the ugly, the mess, the imperfections, and pain and love you regardless? What if they give, and give, and give, until theres nothing left? What if it¡¯s almost enough? What if you found it a bit earlier, would it have been good enough? Would you allow all of your mistakes in stopping it from being enough? Like I did? It¡¯s always enough. It¡¯ll never not be. It doesn¡¯t have to be romantic. It can be platonic. It can be parental, fraternal or sisterly. It doesn¡¯t have to come from someone else. It can come from within. No matter where it comes from, it¡¯s always enough. And when all else is lost, it¡¯s you and always you, who is enough. I was deluded into thinking there was something better. What happens when those delusions become real, but not what you thought? What happens when you¡¯re shown the reason you¡¯re alive? What happens when it doesn¡¯t change anything, but at least, makes you do things differently, alone, because if you don¡¯t, it¡¯ll be a bigger mistake? What do you do when she follows you? - I finally stopped running. My name was kept being called. They¡¯re trying to find me. Megan is trying to find me. Carlos is trying to find me. Cody is trying to find me. It¡¯s too dark for them to do so. I placed my palm on the trunk of the cedar tree in front of me. The light rain blended well with my final tears. I¡¯m unable to live with myself anymore. I know just how much pain I¡¯ll cause because of my selfishness. But what about mine? Why couldn¡¯t I see that it was slowly killing me, piece by piece? From my bag, I pulled out the only thing that¡¯ll ease it. But I wasn¡¯t not alone. I tried to avoid this, but I was at my limit. ¡°Hey, I¡¯m really, really sorry,¡± the girl who followed me said. I turned around. She¡¯s beautiful. Grace shines like how I used to. ¡°Sorry I threw up on you. It was an accident,¡± she continued. Grace was shaking. Her hands were clasped together on her chest. She was catching her breath. Grace was scared. I look down at the ground. I wasn¡¯t suppose to change her life like this. I look back at her. Grace didn¡¯t deserve this. I look up at the sky. I¡¯m sorry for all the things I did and for everyone I hurt. I¡¯m sorry to the baby growing inside me. I¡¯m sorry I don¡¯t have the courage accept it. I¡¯m sorry for being angry and scared. I¡¯m sorry that I created a future that terrified me. I look back down to Grace. My grip tightens. She notices that I''m holding it. Her eyes widen. I smile. Grace illuminates through the darkness. She shines as bright as the sun. A tear escapes from me. I''ve never seen someone so beautiful. Beauty not in the sense of vanity, but of her soul. She''s who I''ve been waiting for...but... I raise the gun. If I''d never forgotten, maybe this wouldn''t have happened. Maybe if I did, I would be jealous of Grace and this would have happened regardless. I just didn''t want to believe it. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, it wasn¡¯t supposed to be like this. I can¡¯t live with myself anymore. I can¡¯t¡­I can¡¯t¨CYou weren¡¯t supposed to follow me. Anyone but you.¡± The end of the barrel fits just right on my temple. I¡¯m finally able to rest. I pull the trigger.