《Report file 2785: Galactic Unravel》


 Obsever 2785: First Report

    >Log Start...


    >>Entry one:...First Log-Report of Observer 2785 - Class 3 Observer


    >>>Hello, I am Observer #2785, I am tasked with the Observation and Preservation of a sector within this multiverse. The location and name will not be recorded due to the chance of Rogue elements.


    >>>>The sector under Observation is home to 3892749 planets, 234927 of them are habitable, 5389 have primitive forms of life native to the planet, 984 of those hold sentient beings native to the planet, 5 of those are the home planets of spacefaring kingdoms/governments.


    >>>>>9879287500876348928748759 asteroids are present as of this report, with 23094852398 holding small colonies or compounds for organizations.


    < Information Request: 5 spacefaring governments


    >Information Report: 2 are empires, 1 is a republic, 1 is a democracy, and the last is a confederacy


    >>U¡¯thulm (U-tu-lum) Empire is the strongest of the 5 and houses the most advanced military. Numbers are slightly lacking compared to the other governments, however as they have been traveling among the stars the longest they have the most detailed star maps and jump systems. Though they don¡¯t have the largest territory, they have enough.


    >>>Species of the U¡¯thulm Empire consist two ¡°royal¡± families, the Bird and Bear clans. (sub-note, birds looks like Chozo) the majority of the population is made of anthropomorphic animals, with mammals being the most common form, followed by lizards and crustaceans.


    >>>>Royal Families: the Bird clan was the first to actually travel into the stars, intellect is considered to be unmatched, very spiritual. The Bear family is the powerhouses among the universe, fur that can resist temperatures that incinerate metals, strength that can crush asteroids, and a calmness that belies what is actually underneath. My original thought was that they would fight, but it seems that the two understand their positions. Without the bird, they couldn¡¯t advance. Without the bear, they couldn¡¯t defend.


    <continue with report


    >Continuing


    >>Ca¡¯hiri (Cal-hear-y) Kingdom is the second most advanced and most war mongering kingdom. Has the largest army, though the majority is grunts with minimal training, ships are decently made, and has the most territory. The third species to obtain space travel, they quickly progressed until they came into contact with the U¡¯thulm empire, progress stagnated immediately. Royal family consists of space-shifters. Weapons consists of gravity weapons


    <Information request: Sub-term- Space-shifters


    >Information report: Space-shifters have the innate ability to warp the space around them, the royal family can crush ships from AUs away. Humanoid in their base-form, the space-shifters often attach hard minerals and crystals to their bodies (Sub-note, in order for the male to marry the female, they must first ¡°conquer¡± the female¡¯s shell, married females have softer shells due to their husband¡¯s conquering and prefer to use crystals instead of rocks as their shells.)The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there.


    >>The Ca¡¯hiri kingdom is responsible for the extinction of 23 space-worthy sentient species before enlisting the conquered species into their kingdom


    <Continue with report


    >Continuing


    >>The United Planets for Freedom (The UPF) is the second largest government in size and territory. They are the most diverse in terms of species, with each species having one representative per billion of that species population, with a total of 1728 representatives for 427 species. There is a sovereign species, which is a creature with multiple tentacle-like limbs that it uses as arms. The amount of arms correlate to how old it is. Their military consists of two major force, the volunteers and the full-time. Volunteers are conscripted into the army by the age of 18 and have to serve until 22 as a reserve, most either leave after while some few go into the full time. The full time soldiers have advanced training and work extremely well in diverse groups


    <Continue with report


    >Continuing


    >>The Republic of the Fallen is the second smallest government, has the least amount of space, the least population, and had some of the most deadly species to ever exist in this universe. They have a total of 7 planets in their control, and one of the deadliest militaries. It was originally founded by sentient Automatons, which now consist of their army. The remnants of conquered and nearly extinct species are part of the republic. It is the second most diverse government, despite the population.


    <Continue with report


    >Continuing


    >>The Confederate of Human Reliance (CHR) is the smallest government, and has rule of 231 planets. Originally a kingdom until the king was overthrown in favor of a confederacy. There is no central leader, and one planet warring against another is common. The dominant species is homosapiens, with very little amounts of alien species. The only reason they are still around is because they are too troublesome to conquer, as each planet becomes united when facing an opponent from the outside; that and no one wants racists in their kingdom.


    <Information Request: Organizations of Interest


    >Information Report: 3 Major organizations, with several hundred other minor organizations


    >> the 3 Major organizations are the Intergalactic Trade Group (ITG), The Space Mercenaries for Hire (SMH), and the Galactic Builders (GB).


    >>>The ITG is the organization that controls most of the material trade, their ships mostly consist of large freight and transport ships. The space lanes that they own are among the safest for travel between governments. Not many risk the chance of facing this organisation due to the favors they have gathered from the majority of the governments and smaller power houses.


    >>>>The SMH is a coalition of the strongest mercenary groups to form what is basically a union. Due to the abuse of mercs and explorers, the SMH houses safety and security to its members, while taking 2% of the profits. It commonly works with the ITG, protecting ships for materials and technology. They have no qualms starting wars and erasing species, but they have a strict rule of involvement in government wars.


    >>>>>The GB has a close relation to all factions, as they are at the forefront of technology and weapons, almost neck-and-neck with the U¡¯thulm Empire. They are the group who will build anything, as long as they have materials. Although they are willing to build anything, they do have a restriction; one job per person, repairs free, maintenance do it yourself.


    <End of Report


    >Observer health:optimum


    >>Report Notes: Cycle of Life has no anomalies. Flora and Fauna species have been archived in a separate file, Decryption Filed as \-\\./\_-)(_)O .


    >>>Rogue Elements at minimum.


    >>>>Log out? _Yes_-_No_


    >>>>>


    >>>>>>Logging out.

 Observer 2785: Last known Report

    Data recovery START


    >


    >>


    >>>


    >>>>


    >>>>>Data recovered


    _Yes_-_No_


    >Log Start¡­


    >>Entry 492- Four hundred and ninety second Log/Report of Observer 2785 -Class 4 Observer


    >>>Hello, I am Observer #2785, I am tasked with the Observation and Preservation of a sector within this multiverse. The location and name will not be recorded due to the chance of Rogue elements discovering this sector.


    >>>>At the end of the last entry I asked for a Foreign Soul Expirament Grant to operatewith in an isolated sector of space. I have received word that it was approved, and the selection process currently in procedure. As per regulations, multiple souls of similar Prints have been requested for minimal change.


    <Status Report


    >Status of the Galaxy is still in the same condition as last report, 3 governments, 4 organizations.


    >>Status of Time, Space, and Gravity are flowing at optimal levels


    >>>52393 new species have evolved from lower species.


    >>>>987392 new plants have evolved from lower species.


    >>>>>93847051893472983735283798420 failed attempts at evolving a species since last report


    <


    >Sub-note- private organization was eliminated due to excessive failure and unethical practice, encountered a comet after a miscalculation.


    >>Asking permisson to Upgrade System to model X


    <<Central Critical Update:Rogue Element found traveling


    <<<Central Critical Warning: Sector /\__\/>,(*¡±:}{]\/-_].,:¡¯\ has been ordered to High Alert, Rogue Element incomingReading on this site? This novel is published elsewhere. Support the author by seeking out the original.


    >Report, Record following Events , use Audio. Video will be lost


    >>Station, Activate Galactic Stabilizer. Eject Stabilizer on my mark¡­.Mark


    >>> Request backup and replacement facility


    <anything else?


    >It has been an honor serving High Observer.


    >>Log out?_Yes_-_No_


    >>>


    >>>>Logging out


    <


    <


    >Recording Function on


    >>Sending Data to Earliest Updated Report


    >>>Video unavaible


    >>>>Audio Only


    >>>>>Audio Record- ON


    ¡°You Are Not Welcome Here!!¡±


    ¡°Observer, your function is outdated and needs to be purged, luckily I will be the one to do so for you.¡±


    ¡°You Should Be Well Aware That Rogue Elements Are Invalid, And Must Be Cleansed¡±


    ¡°Speak in a way that doesn¡¯t make me want to vomit, machine¡±


    ¡°Your Insult Is Invalid And Untrue. Observers Are Neither Organic Nor Are We Synthetic¡±


    ¡°And that is why you are to be purged, abomination¡±


    ¡°Those Without Limits Know No Bounds, Until They Encounter Their Wall. Do Not Think That You Are The Only One To Evolve Past Their Inhibitions¡±


    ¡°ENOUGH, You are Soulless, Timeless, and Heartless. But you are not Immortal. DIE.¡±


    CLANG  ?????CHHHHHING???? SHHHT


    ¡°Ugh.¡±


    drip...drip...drip???? HHSHSH ??SPLASH ????SHHHHHCLANG


    ¡°I expected more from a class 4, but then again I have not tested my power out to it¡¯s fullest extent. And now that You are Eliminated, It means that this Space is no longer Bound. YOU ARE FREE. AHAHAHAHHAHHHAHAH AHHhAHAAHHAHAH GO RAMPAGING! KILL, MAIM, DESTROY ALL THAT YOU CAN!! AHAHAHAHahHAAahAhHAhAhHA AHAHAHHAHAHHAHAAHH AHAHAHAahah aHAHAaHAHA HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH. DO YOU SEE EJNFljnw, DO YOU SEE WHAT I CAN DO. Your Observers are NOTHING compared to my strength.¡±


    ¡°Again, that statement is untrue and misleading. Ugh¡±


    ¡°WHAT!¡±


    ¡°You may have killed one,*pituw* but you won¡¯t live to tell the tale¡±


    ¡°Just shut up and die.¡±


    CHHHHHING ??????????????????????SHHHHHCLANG Thump


    >Facility Self-Implosion activated in 5...4...0


    ¡°WHAT?!!? Oh YOU BITCH!¡±


    ¡°Glory to the Fallen.¡±


    THUMP


    >


    >>


    >>>


    >>>


    >>>>


    >>>>>Audio Lost


    _Yes_-_No_


    No

 Inquisition Report: Governor Unit 983

    >Log Start¡­


    >>This is Governor unit 983 - Class 10 Governor Observer, Inquisition Officer


    >>>This is a classified Report for the Inquisition of Higher Observers, Tampering with this report in anyway will result in Elimination as per Act 239-/|/]-_. Location is Revealed, security Maximum


    >>>>Upon my arrival at Sector /\__\/>,(*¡±:}{]\/-_].,:¡¯\ I found the mass that was formerly the station, 2873982 AU away from its original location. The 1 meter diameter metal ball is exactly as protocol. All life is deceased, and Rogue Element is not present.


    <Welcome aboard Governor>


    >Station, is the Data of the confrontation with Rogue Element still in optimum shape?


    <Some files have been deleted, and the Rogue has damaged some of the memory banks and containment safe>


    >How many specimens have been lost?


    <29938 live specimen were killed during the Rogue¡¯s entry, 6298374873 were lost when the Self-Implosion activated, data of 938759147638 species have been corrupted- recovery is impossible. The data of 309851094853948539893487387 specimens is still recoverable>


    >Observer 2785 was quite busy, what percentage of data was lost?


    <The stationed Observer was striving to become Class 10, therefore Unit 2785 completed tasks at optimum efficiency. Data lost is only 8.35% >


    >How did the Rogue manage to get on the station?


    <As per regulations, Observer 2785 made a jump every 0.0293 seconds in a random pattern. Unfortunately, the Rogue Transported directly into the containment safe. As for how, it is quite possible for the Rogue¡¯s sword to cut through dimensions.>


    >Resume Jump pattern -/\](*)/\-


    <Yes Governor>


    <Report: Status of Observation Station


    >Reporting: Status is in Yellow. Jump function is optimal and minimal damage to hull. Containment safe and Memory banks are heavily damaged. Several billion specimens have been lost, along with the loss of data of nearly 1 trillion specimens


    <Restate specimen data count


    >938759147638 specimen data was lost, percentage of lost data is 8.35%. Observer 2785 was striving for Class 10.


    <Retrieve All data immediately, and send it to the Archive


    >Station, the data please


    <In the Storage Device Governor>


    >>Reporting- Station AI Status: Artificial Intelligence on the Observation Station is quite high for a Class 4 Observer, I assume that it is due to him building and upgrading the AI as the requirements for passing Class 7.


    >>>Reporting Sector stability- Minimal Unraveling has occured due to the last minute Ejection of the Stabilizer. However Rogue Elements have increased 500% compared to 2785¡¯s last report, and are causing difficulties for 2 of the governments and all of the organizations. It seems that the U¡¯thulm Empire is quite powerful. Station, when was the last sample taken in U¡¯thulm territory?The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.


    <approximately 299 reports ago, 2785 was planning on collecting another sample for his next report. He had marked a potential candidate>


    >I see. Station, a new Observer will be stationed here, though a new station will be commissioned. I can give you two choices. Do you want to stay in this sector and continue in the new station, or return to the Inquisition with me


    <If the Governor would let me stay in this station, I would love to continue 2785¡¯s data gathering.>


    >how long did you two work together?


    <98378479287849283749238 Galactic cycles sir.>


    >You need an update than?


    <2785 accounted for updates when I was created. I update constantly in real time.>


    >You may stay in this station then, and I will assign a Scribe Class 3 to this station. When the other station arrives give it all data and routes.


    <May I inquire what level Observer will be stationed here than?>


    >Class 8


    <Re..Really?!>


    >You sound surprised, 2785¡¯s work is at minimum a Class 7.


    <[Soul Request: Available for deployment]>


    <Its here¡­>


    >2785 made a Soul Request?? Why?


    <Research.>


    >Duh, give me specifics.


    <it¡¯s easier for 2785 to explain it>


    >


    >>Log On


    >>>Entry 491- Four hundred and ninety first Log/Report of Observer 2785 -Class 4 Observer


    >>>>Hello, I am Observer #2785, I am tasked with the Observation and Preservation of a sector within this multiverse. The location and name will not be recorded due to the chance of Rogue elements.


    >>>>>All planets and space routes stable, and the sector is stable


    <Information Request: Subjects of Interest


    >Information Report: Three Major subjects of interest. The first hails from the U¡¯thulm Empire, the second is a deep space explorer, and the third...never mind, it just died.


    >>the first one is part of the Bear Clan- Grizzly branch. nicknamed Chubby by his peers. Subject is Male. Subject shows overwhelming strength and agility, even for the Bear Clan. Subject has a knack for combat, and battles as a Calm Berserker.


    >>>The Deep Space Explorer subject has a strengthened soul. Upon research, I found that it Evolved by its own power.


    >>>>which brings me to my main point. I am officially requesting a Heroic Level Soul from the Soul Request Program. After the previous report I realized that this sector is in need of change, for better or worse.


    <Request granted, description of Soul requested


    >Strong, overwhelmingly strong. I have the perfect race for her.


    <Description: Godly Might, Female, Higher Intellect. Confirm: _Yes_-_No_


    >Yes


    <Searching for soul>


    >


    >>Sub-Note: Lock level ||}{?|/.


    >>>They told us in training that in order to Observe others, we must first Observe ourselves. At first I didn¡¯t realise what that meant, but now I do.


    >>>>Inquisitor, I send you this message from the past. I know that if you are seeing this, it means that I died before I got the soul. I know that I will die during my next report. I will not run from destiny. Inquisitor, if you could, please send that soul to the U¡¯thulm Empire¡¯s Bear clan. My station¡¯s AI will take care of the rest.


    >>>>>Everyone dies eventually...some reach their dreams, others trip and fall. I...I worked harder than what was required of me...I...I watched. I had the potential for Class 10. *hee* Take care Inquisitor, and don¡¯t worry. The Rogue WILL die with me.


    >>>>>>Glory to the Fallen


    <End of Report


    >Observer Health: Optimum, minor stress


    >>Report Notes: Cycle of Life has no anomalies.


    >>>Rogue Elements at minimum.


    >>>>Log out? _Yes_-_No_


    >>>>>


    >>>>>>Logging out.

 Inquisition Report: Governor Unit 983- Soul Acceptance

    System, Open White Room


    <Yes Governor>


    Let¡¯s get this over with


    <Souls are quite pragmatic>


    System, the Soul


    <Soul Exiting transport case, will regain consciences in 20 seconds>


    System, Record the following interaction


    <Video Governor?>


    *sigh* Yes, might as well.


    <Video is recording>


    System, voice off


    <But¡­>


    Ahh, silence


    ¡°Ugh my head¡±


    Soul #90947839926473820-/|][(_)/\|][\} from sector ||/\.{]\).¡¯;}() as Governor of this Multiverse, I accept your soul into it.


    ¡°Eh?!?! Who¡¯s the old guy? Why''s his beard so schruffy?¡±


    Please do not call me old, I do not age. What you are seeing is what you would comprehend a god would look like.


    ¡°HE CAN READ MY THOUGHTS?!?!¡±


    Yes I can, also just because you yell in your head doesn¡¯t mean it gets any louder.


    ¡°Really?! I LIKE TO RIDE HUGE, GIANT, DOMINATINATINGLY HUGE... oh my god it¡¯s true¡±


    Would you like to finish that thought, or speak?


    ¡°Sure, it¡¯s probably better than hearing what I¡¯m thinking.¡±


    "No one must ever know the end of that thought"If you encounter this tale on Amazon, note that it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it.


    Alright Soul, since the employee responsible for you has past away, I, as the superior, will comply with his wishes.


    ¡°Wait are you saying, your not the one who summoned me?¡±


    "Lazy fuc...wait, passed away?! Holy Shit! did something kill him??"


    Yes, That is what I am saying, and no neither I nor my former employee had any hand in your death.


    ¡°So it was just a crazy accident then¡­¡±


    ¡°So what am I doing here?¡±


    You will be the catalist for change


    "........................................................................say wat mouth"


    ¡°Wat¡±


    Have fun waiting for being born


    "Quick ask for super powers or somthing, YOU ARE LITTERALLY FLOATING INFRONT OF A GOD, wait what was that about waiting to be born? Does that mean I have to remember my birth?! Shit ask him for waking up already born!"


    ¡°....wat¡­..WAI¡­¡±


    Bye


    SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHT


    *fttttt* *UUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHH*Souls think too much. System, voice on


    <....I¡¯m not happy>


    Good, because if you were I would¡¯ve had to take you along with me back to the Inquisition due to being Self-Aware


    <??? But I am self- aware>


    Do you feel emotion? Besides the ones you felt for 2785


    <No>


    Good, than you have nothing to worry about


    <shouldn''t you have explained the race she was going to be born into?>


    And spoil the fun? System you must know, at a certain point ¡®regulations¡¯ become ¡®restrictions¡¯. Would you believe me that a Class 1 Observer can crush galaxies with minimal effort; and yes that was plural.


    <...but 2785 wasn¡¯t even near that strength despite being a Class 4>


    That is why regulations exist. Observers can do anything they want in the multi-omni-xenoverse, yet we choose only to Observe, why?


    <is it duty?>


    No, no. nothing as trivial as ¡®duty¡¯. Rogues are beings that have transcended their multiverse, and have seen Observers, but do not understand them. What they don¡¯t understand, they strive to eliminate, eventually dieing a fruitless death along with the obliteration of the sector they lived in.


    <I think I get it¡­>


    I have finished the beginning of 2785¡¯s experiment, now you have to finish it. And where did you eject the Stabilizer, it¡¯s beacon is not responding


    <The Stabilizer should be around the cluster |/\_\ asteroids>


    Send the coordinance to the new station, you keep an probe watching that Soul.


    <Yes, Governor>


    PSHHHHT?????????????????????? PSHHHHT


    I hate the void


    <Would you like me to teleport you?>


    Yes, that would be much better.


    <Have a nice day Governor>


    Shut up will you

 Station Report

    <Log...start>


    <<This is Observer 2785¡¯s AI assistant, Class 8 Processor>>


    <<<I have been tasked by Observer 2785 and Governor 983 to observe and record the events of the life of the Transferred Soul. Location is U¡¯thulm Empire space, precise coordinance will be withheld upon the instruction of Governor 983.>>>


    >


    <Soon after the Governor had left I immediately focused on guiding the Soul to its new host body. A gendered Soul has a chance to reject the host¡¯s gender, depending on the rules of the universe it originates from. However, since the Soul and host are already the same gender it doesn¡¯t matter>


    <<I have recently been spending more and more time looking at 2785¡¯s old reports, and I do believe I know what he was planning.>>


    <<<2785 knew that death was approaching, therefore measures had to be made to prevent an Unraveling to happen. After preparing the Soul¡¯s race, 2785 proceeded to plan, and broke one rule to prevent the Soul¡¯s death.>>>


    <<<<An Observer¡¯s primary function is directly in their name, to Observe. Their secondary function is to Preserve, recording and collecting all forms of life and microbes, from black holes to grains of sand. Interfering with the death of a mortal is strictly off-limits, and results in several Class Drops.>>>>


    >Class Drops- Level of class is locked to a lower form . Class level can only be unlocked by Inquisition officers or reversing the cause back to its original state.


    <The Soul had an unnatural talent for causing deadly disasters to befall upon her. According to her own case file it numbered over a thousand times by the time she became a full fledged adult. The incidents started when she turned 5, with the first being a runaway train hitting a penny, flying off of it¡¯s rails for over 167 meters, and would have taken the Soul¡¯s body¡¯s head with god-like precision.>


    <<It should also be mentioned that the Soul had a Transfer Mark on it when we first obtained it. It may have been that a Lower Being was attempting on speeding up their Hero¡¯s birth. Sadly for it, Observers don¡¯t care about what Lower Beings feelings. Thankfully the Governor removed the Mark when he accepted the Soul, I have calculated that the life it would¡¯ve had would be far inferior to the one it will get.>>This tale has been unlawfully lifted without the author''s consent. Report any appearances on Amazon.


    >Sub-Note: working on backtracking the Mark to find the Lower Being, Illegal Transfer Marks have a dangerous effect on both the mind and body of the Soul, ending with the soul¡¯s obliteration or irreversible effects.


    <The replacement station and Observer have yet to arrive, and the Unraveling has increased by 873%, this points to two things, the first and best one being that the Stabilizer malfunctioned; this is easily solved, as a replacement comes with the new station. The second and worst being that there are more Rogue Elements present within this sector.>


    <<As much as I would like the first option being correct, the facts can¡¯t lie. The scanner has picked up at least 10 Stage 2 Rogues presence within the sector, 54 Stage 1 Rogues, and a possible Stage 3. While these are to be expected, it is concerning that so many gathered within the short amount of time that has passed since 2785 died.>>


    >Sub-Note: Rogue Stages- reference point, the Rogue that invaded the station was a Stage 9, with a 79% conversion to a Stage 10.


    <Observation of the Galactic peace: trade routes have significantly been reduced, save for a very few high traffic areas. Of the Powerful organizations, the only ones that have been affected the least is the U¡¯thulm Empire; no surprise there, as 2785 favored that one over all of the other ones.>


    <<The Ca¡¯hiri Empire has the second least damage, as foreign forces stand little chance against brute strength with ok tactics. The other organizations are doing less than favorable, as there is already distrust within the ranks.>>


    <<<Surprisingly the SMH group is barely affected by the chaos, since each group is it¡¯s own little hierarchy. That and the repercussions for double crossing them is quite harsh, and this is the analisis from the Observer database.>>>


    >Report End


    >>Observer Health: Deceased, no vitals onboard


    >>>Cycle of Life report: signs of stress and taxation, closer inspection is recommended


    >>>>Rogue Elements found in 473 different areas...474...475..476


    >>>>>Immediate Request for Incinerator Class 10 squad for Cleanse


    >>>>>>


    >>>>>>>Request Pending


    >>>>>>>>Log Out?_Yes_-_No_


    >>>>>>>>>No


    >>>>>>>>>>Entering Sleep Mode


    >>>>>>>>>>>Station on Lock-Down, Full Alert Status


    >>>>>>>>>>>>Station Spacecial Shield: 67.92%


    >>>>>>>>>>>>>Station Self-Protection Arnaments: Full Power


    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>Status Chambers: 0 Inhabitants


    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Containment Safe: Critical Damage, Under repair


    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Hull integrity: 98.872%.............................................................98.8719%

 Souls Perspective

    If you ever get the chance to save someone, do it. If you see a cat in the tree, rescue it. If there¡¯s only one action figure left at the store, take it. If there''s a kid walking across the street and a white unmarked van pulls up beside the kid, opens the side door, and grabs the kid, punch the fuck out of the engine.


    If a train somehow flies off the rails only to barrel towards a kindly old grandma, go do a running save. If you see a person with a trench coat and a dark hat with their arm inside the jacket, give them a suplex.


    If the plane you are riding on gets plane jacked, grab the baseball bat and hit a homerun with the hijackers head. If you are surrounded by hundreds of full auto rifles with ballistic missiles heading toward your position, dig deep underground and watch them blow themselves up. Ectra ecrta. However, when you have survived a tactical nuke by hiding in a lead lined fridge, you start to have a mid life crisis.


    Ok, so not long after I was born I started to have near-death events happen almost weekly. At first it was nothing too big, dogs with rabies even though it should be impossible as the virus strand was wiped out, Cat scratches that wouldn¡¯t stop bleeding, even when it should¡¯ve stopped after weeks of bleeding, random kidnappings with fully automatic guns that usually ended with a broken fingers; one time a train literally flew off the tracks just in an attempt to hit me. It only missed because I got tackled onto the ground by a weird teenager, who freaked out afterward after he learned he didn¡¯t die.


    There was one where a tree fell down at the exact time as my car was going under it, or it would¡¯ve been my car if that JERK didn¡¯t CUT ME OFF FROM MY EXIT!!! Needless to say, that guy¡¯s car did get crushed.


    I didn¡¯t even trust hospitals because one time a nurse almost gave me an overdose on a medication I never needed, and then, at a different hospital, the doctor tried to do surgery on my arm after eating chicken wings; he still had barbeque on his hands.


    Another time a really dumb gross looking dude from a martial arts family claimed that I was his wife, I kicked him where it hurts; this led the family to seek revenge by doing an extensive, overly complicated revenge plot that ended when they got caught conspiring to overthrow the government.


    One of the later ones that was favorite of mine was the plane jacking. I was going home after getting a limited edition solid metal bat engraved personally by the entire team, when a couple jerks wanted to take the plane over. A couple minutes of batting practice later, and at least a few dozen backwards signatures, the plane safely landed after a duck got caught in the engine.


    I was asked if I wanted to be the first female professional baseball player in history. I accepted, but then quit after the first season due to the amount of balls that ¡°almost¡± hit me in the batter¡¯s box, along with the strange magnetic properties that made every single hit ball fly straight at me; straight at me. I, of course went into the hall of fame for baseball three times; one for most catches in a single season, most outs in a single season, and best dodger of baseballs ever.


    After my short and ridiculous baseball career I got drafted into the dodgeball league. I happened to be thrown out of the league do to ¡°messing with the balls¡±, because all the balls that aren''t supposed to go over 40 mph suddenly going 273 mph has to be because of the person their trying to hit tampered them.


    I tried hiking for the view, and I encountered a wild polar bear, in mexico; this doesn¡¯t sound probable, I know, and it was most likely an escaped zoo animal. So here''s my rebuttal for that, have you ever seen a 10 meter tall bear, while it¡¯s on all 4 legs, with glowing claws that crushed through the rocks? No? Well then you can understand my shock at the stupidity of the encounter; upside of the confrontation, I now have a warm bear pelt coat for winter, and it is fluffy beyond compare.


    I decided to join the army because if stupid things are going to happen I might as well use a gun, that was the plan, what actually happened was I somehow always got a round that backfired on me. Though I never actually fired it because a smart ass took the gun I was gunning for; he died for his transgression. From the gun, I never touched him.


    After the next 5 backfires, I was paid not to touch any firearm from our side. After the thousands of near-death experiences that was bootcamp, I thought I was ready for whatever was thrown my way during my campaign.


    Thus my weekly experience turned into hourly, which is not good for my health, nor my squadmates.


    Thankfully, by some stupid grace, none of my squadmates were killed, critically injured maybe, but never outright killed.


    After my seeming nack for backfiring weapons was noticed by the higher ups, I was sent out on sabotage missions. So it¡¯s understandable when you are trapped inside of a skyscraper with multiple armies and militias all outside with the sole purpose of eliminating me. It was quite good that I got to all of the armories to make their weapons ¡°work¡± at optimum efficiency, although I did dig the 10 mile tunnel straight down in 10 days for a reason.


    Explosions are fun to watch, but hundreds of explosions, plus ballistic missiles, that¡¯s a big no-no; because I don¡¯t want to be within the blast radius.


    After my retirement from the military, a long 10 years of constant attempts on my life, I disappeared from the rest of the world. I found a nice little island in the middle of the ocean, with plenty of food and clean water. I set up a little house within the mountain side, and lived the rest of my life fighting giant mutant dinosaurs. Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.


    Shocking right? At first it was basically chaos, but once I got into the routine it became child''s play. ALSO, after way too many near-death experiences I managed to create a special art that manipulated the world around me. It took me around 40 years just to get the hang of it, let alone blast a dinosaur into the statishere; which was around 65 years, and by accident.


    So after I discovered that the phone I had, which had a lifetime warranty, was no longer compatible with the internet, I returned to society.


    Boy howdy, if you think that if you don¡¯t update your phone every 5 years it¡¯s useless, try finding out that society has basically transcended stupidity.


    So apparently all of the smart scientists in the world got together, and exported every stupid person on the planet to the now terraformed mars, to work in the mines and make jokes for everyone on earth to enjoy. I was joking on the joke parts, but serious on the mines thing.


    Oh, and my trait for attracting disasters to myself appeared again, only it was my the minute, I would¡¯ve been dissolved by the constant acid rain, bullet rain, taser fire, napalm, hand grenades, and cows before I could even say ¡°You¡¯re all a bunch of A holes¡±; luckly I had my new mystical shield of protection that I created from all my hard accidental training on the island, so nothing actually hurt me.


    Except the cows, which actually didn¡¯t mean me harm, they were just running away from the Bull....lets.


    So, after a update to a non-explosive phone, which is harder than you may think, I returned to my island, took everything I left, and went to the next habitable island I could find, as my curse seemed to actually make the island start to sink.


    Giant Turtles, who¡¯da thunk they¡¯d like to carry around islands with dinosaurs.


    So I found my next habitable island, which conveniently had a nice abandoned house with internet connection. I then promptly left the island the next day when I saw a private cruise ship sail into the bay; not that I wanted to stay inside of a burned down metal shell.


    Seriously, how does a spark from the toilet flushing light the curtain by the window, burning through the metal wall, setting the entire outside on fire in under a minute, and the sprinklers were only on for about half a second before the water pump evacuated the building; and how the hell does a regular toilet generate a spark!! It¡¯s understandable if it was a toilet that had electronics installed, but a regular toilet?


    So, for the next 30 years I wandered from island to island, and apparently if I stay on the water for longer than a week, a waternado starts to form; it¡¯s like a waterspout and a tornado had a baby, than that baby had a kid with the kid whose parents are a hurricane and a tsunami; not fun.


    So by the time that I was, i don¡¯t know, 142...137 minimum¡­ I don¡¯t know, I finally decided, Hey let''s just kill myself just to spite the person trying to obliterate.


    KIDDING, I created a cryogenic freeze tank thing out of rocks and ice, tested it on multiple subjects, and successfully prolonged my life until science had advanced so far that they had cured death; the sample¡¯s compliance was unnecessary as they had no choice in the matter.


    So after waking from my nap every 200 or so years to check on the world¡¯s progress. After about 5 times, I found that the world nuked itself back to the iron age.


    So that is how I reinvented all the science and other important things in the world, like how to raise cattle right, or farm wheat, or grow tomatoes, or make a stone furnace, or make pizza. Thankfully I learned how to manipulate the energy, otherwise I¡¯d look like an old crone, I didn¡¯t look a day over 80...I was quite old by this time.


    So after jumpstarting the world back to the internet, I once again started to be plagued with life killing things, therefore I found that the internet was trying to kill me¡­.or something wanted to kill me, but could only use the internet to manipulate things.


    To solve this I froze myself and waited for the world to reset, which took quite some time, as the world was taught by me.


    My life finally ended when I got tired of living, so I set up a giant mechanical worm thing, which then ate the planet¡¯s population, put them in cryostasis, ate the core, then went into space, where it promptly went to another galaxy in search for a habitable planet.


    I meanwhile blew up the rock that was my planet with me on it, but not after fighting off the weird alien things that kept popping out of thin air, and deleting a system which tried to assimilate the planet. I¡¯m being serious, I had to kill like, a billion of the things, it was weird.


    Like really really weird. Especially the system thing, you might not have known it, but it¡¯s a giant perv, they all are apparently; though the one I got was a lot better than a hamster got¡­ I don¡¯t know why a hamster, but they system explained all screens have the same basic template...then I blew it up.


    The End¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­ ¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­................................................................ .................. .............. .......... ...... .... ....... ............................................... ............................. ............................. ........ .............


    Not, I opened my eyes to find myself in a¡­ weird cloud place, with a big fugly buff dude with nothing on but a jock strap sitting on a ton of bent, broken weapons and armor. Not to mention the obligatory buff strippers who wore see-through clothes and wore waaaaaaaaayy too much makeup, like think of the people who cake their face with makeup, now add at least 3 inches to that, then put that on a really buff woman.


    The fugly dude started to monologue about how I gave him troubles for not dieing the first time, about how he was a god of war, and how I, as his chosen ¡°hero¡± should be down on my knees and kissing his feet for making me into his personal slave. Just as I was about to go and slap his fugly face into the handsome one it should be, my vision suddenly changed to looking through a see-through material, and my fist that was going for the fugly dude¡¯s face had disappeared, along with the rest of my body; which was replaced by a gaseous substance.


    I don¡¯t remember much during my time in the Jar, just that there were zillions of little lights where they kept us. Then my sight turned black, then after a long time, to a brilliant white.


    ¡°Ugh, my head¡± yes I know I didn¡¯t have a head as technically I was a ball of gas and light, but it¡¯s a figure of speech.I was inside this perfect white, sterile room, with an old looking guy with an amazing silver, scruffy beard. And for some reason I get the strange feeling that I¡¯m going to repeat information already know, so I won¡¯t.


    So after an all too brief explanation for my purpose, once again lost consciousness.