《How to Kick Ass》


 Spooooky Voices

    SPLOT!


    -- the first sound I heard. The first feeling was even more unpleasant. It felt a lot like getting a floor full of mud plastered into my face.


    ¡°Eh, ¡®e¡¯s not much to look at is, is ¡®e?¡± said a worrying voice, from what I would estimate was three feet above me. Being three feet above me, at the moment, was not hard, since I was lying full-length in the mud. It was apparently raining also. Either that or I was lying within range of a sprinkler.


    Be quiet, earth-spirit, said a much larger voice. It¡¯s not what he is, but what he chooses to become.


    Well, now. That sounded epic. Tentatively, I lifted up my head so as to expose my eyes and mouth to air instead of mud.


    *cough*


    ¡°What now?¡± said the shorter voice.


    ¡°I said Cough!¡± I shouted. ¡°What the hell happened? Is this some dream, a prank, or magic? Who are the two of ya, and why I am lying in mud in the pitchblack dark when it¡¯s raining?¡±


    ¡°Cuz you fell there, didn¡¯t ya?¡± I received an answer to my least important question.


    We have few words and little time. There are better things to tell. You, spirit, be silent.


    ¡°Aww,¡± the short voice quavered. It sounded grouchyIf you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.


    At this point I had finally succeeded in scraping all the mud off my eyes and looked around. Yep. Complete pitch darkness in every direction. Not a glint or glimmer.


    Look up.¡±


    I did. And oh. There was one patch of light --- brilliant, round, a hundred colors (were there even that many colors?) --- which expanded as I watched it to fill my whole view. Okay, it was a landscape.


    That is where you will go. You will find yourself in a new body.


    I felt wind blowing. I realized I was naked. The landscape was getting bigger. I thought I could make out some mountains.


    It is a ¡­ plastic world. Malleable. Shape the little piece you find around you. You have this power.


    I looked behind me. Blue sky and darkness. Stars twinkling. A moment ago that hadn¡¯t been there.


    ¡°Whaaat?¡± Okay. I admit: I had played it pretty cool up to that point. But now I was skydiving, naked, down into some unknown landscape --- parachutes on hand? zero --- with some giant voice talking to me from somewhere.


    Meh, this was fun.


    ¡°WOOHOOO!¡± I shouted.


    Wait. You must listen. There are only moments.


    ¡°Ahh! Now this is interestin.¡± Now the little voice was speaking. ¡°He doesn¡¯t care! He doesn¡¯t flippin¡¯ care!¡±


    ¡°Alright, alright.¡± I caved in. ¡°Who are you and whadda you wanna tell me?¡± It was weird how I could hear those voices so clearly above all the wind whistling by my ears. It had gotten really loud. Looked like those mountains were directly below me. Fifteen seconds? Yeah, I prolly had twenty seconds till impact. ¡°Also,¡± I added, ¡°any chance this is what a near-death experience is like?¡±


    Shape the world, small one. Your tiny, precious world. Be the best you can. Seeds grow.


    ¡°On a scale of 1 to 100, that¡¯s about a 60 for pithiness!¡± I shouted.


    ¡°Ya don¡¯t hafta shout! We hear you.¡±


    A gift.


    Gift? What? Oh. In addition to the wind, I felt something else now. It was warm ¨C it tingled ¨C like a giant breathing over me.


    I recede now.


    I was totally gonna hit those mountains. Eight seconds. I closed my eyes.


    ¡°Dive!¡± I heard the grumpy voice. ¡°Dive like a swan now, ya vast lug nut! It¡¯s my gift to ya!¡±


    And suddenty I felt strong. Hands over my head, legs together and ¨C