《Preaching a Lie》 Prologue "May you rot in hell!", "You too you bastard!", I made sure to shout at the priest as I was escorted from the church and out of the grounds. What the fuck is up with those guys?! I say one thing and the next thing I know I''m up shit creak without a paddle. Honestly... I don''t know what they see in this ''god''. Ifhe''s out there somewhere he would want the human race to prosper rarther than continue on boring ancient traditions and ceremonies.Stolen novel; please report. This was supposed to be a good day too. I had booked a day off work and even forked out for a new tuxedo to go to this bloody wedding. John even asked me to come; he should''ve known this would have happened when he invited me in the first place. Ah never mind. I''ve got a new tuxedo now anyway and it was worth beating up the quit to relieve some stress. I suppose I should call a taxi then~ *HONK HONK* Ah shit. *SLAM* 1: Space Hermits "HWAA! *cough* *cough* ugh, man. I could have sworn I just di-", the worlds got caught in my mouth as I finally took in my surroundings... So I''m in space now? ... What? "Ah, Clive. Good of you to drop by.", an overly amused- cynical sounding voice sounded out directly behind me. I turned to look towards the source. White hair? Check. Looks old? Check. Lives floating I space? Check. ... Ugh. I new I shouldn''t have gone to that blasted wedding. "This may sound crazy to you but am I safe in assuming you are god.", I gingerly asked the suspected divine individual. He smirked at me, "I suppose I am, Clive.", "Are you sure though? Are you really, really sure? I don''t want the priests down there on that blue rock to be right. Are you sure your not just a space hermit?", I probed the smirking gentleman. "I am god, Clive. The creator and all that. You know, created the world in seven days.",This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience. "But- I''m pretty sure hermits are delusional. I''m not too sure about space hermits but I reckon the shrooms you get access to up here are as just if not more potent!", Hang on a moment, there might be even more of these homeless cosmic junkies around here I better keep my wits about me. "You want some proof I''m not some recluse Darth Vader then? What would be good enough proof, Clive? I want to get this over with quickly.", I looked at the self-claimed god and with suspicion asked him to do the first godly seeming thing I could think of. "Make me a millionaire!", ''God'' looked at me funnily for saying that. "Er- Clive... You do realise that you died by getting hit by that truck.", "Yeah. Now make me a millionaire if you''re so high and mighty!", "You could have literally told me to do anything...", the old space bum mumbled to himself. "There. Done. You are now a millionaire. Are you happy now?", I don''t have any way of actually checking though. Ah- well, at least my dad will be rich now. "Yes, perfectly happy. So then ''god'', what happens next then?", "Yes~ well you see I have had a bit of trouble on one of my test worlds recently and I just used the most ironic soul on hand to deal with it.", I don''t like where this is going... "So I''m going to send you there to go and promote my religion okay?", "Fuck no! I''m not going to promote some shitty re-", Suddenly a bright beam of light filled my vision and the next thing I knew I was out cold.
"This is why I hate atheists." God said as he made a massage chair appear behind him and a pot of space shrooms big enough to last him until the next judgment day. God smiled to himself as he took a good puff of his space shroom spliff. "Good look Clive... You''re gonna need it, mwah ha ha ha!", 2: *Poke* *prod* *prod* "Hey.", *prod* "He~ey." Huh that''s weird. It''s as if someone is prodding me. "You''re not dead are you? Mommy said you were alright.", *prod* "Hey wake up! Let''s play tag!", *prod* "THAT''S IT! I''VE HAD IT! WHO IN GOD''S NAME KEEPS POKING ME!!!",Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings. I looked around, furious at having my forced peaceful sleep cancelled, for someone to hit over the head... Ah, found you. "Ow.", the kid said as he massaged the spot my fist just planted itself. "Haha, serves you right kid. Who told you to keep poking someone whilst they were sleeping. You think someone would have taught you better... Wait, oi kid.", "What. Don''t hit me again or I''ll tell mommy.", "Huh? Why would I hit you again, anyway. Where am I?", "Are you sure you''re not the one that has been hit over the head mister.", "What do you mean?", "Well- everyone knows the capital. It''s the most popular place on the continent.", "Capital? What''s it called kid?", I asked him as I sat up from the bed I was in and made my way over to the sole window in the room. "Asperity mister, the capital of Asmyer.", "Asmyer, I''ve never heard of i-", Oh crap, I''ve just reached the window. So I suppose it is safe to assume that that space junkie was actually some sort of god then? Or maybe he''s an alien. An alien that thrives off of messing with people and making them into millionaires! Yes that''s it. That is the most logical explanation.
How are you enjoying the new world Clive. Bit of a background before you do too much more, I said I was using this world as a sort of test world. Anyway, I thought it would be cool to have my own rpg world to mess around with from time to time so I implemented stats etc... to it. Okay. See you later sweetheart. Xxx. Lol.
Or not... "Er- mister you''ve been spacing out for a while now. I''ll go get mommy, just wait here.", with that the boy stormed out of the room. So~ how does this work then. "Status?",
Name: Clive Oswald
Titles: The Prophit of God, Back from the Dead, Modified
Blessings: True God''s Blessing
Affinity: All
Current Mission: Convert the World
"Well that''s interesting...",