《Kai Lynn (as told by an autistic girl)》 Why dont you talk more? (KAI¡¯S POV) > > > > An acquaintance I talk to in school asks me, ¡°Why are you so quiet? You should talk more.¡± < < < < I¡¯m out with friends, having Chinese food. Looking at the chopsticks, Izzy frowns. ¡°How do I use these?¡± I start, ¡°Uh, if you look at the side of the holder-¡± Talking over me, Charlie says, ¡°Maybe see if it¡¯s on the paper thing?¡± I try again, ¡°Y- yeah, if you turn it you¡¯ll see-¡± ¡°It¡¯s on the back, Izzy.¡± Sam talks over me. I lower my head and focus on my own plate of food, not caring anymore. < < < < We¡¯re out on Halloween, and Sam squints at the sky. ¡°Does it look like it¡¯s about to rain?¡± I rub my arm. ¡°It¡¯s definitely going to rain soon.¡± Charlie raises an eyebrow. ¡°How do you know?¡± ¡°Well I just got bit by like, two insects...¡± ¡°So?¡± ¡°Well bugs do that before a storm. They can sense the change in barometric pressure and know they need-¡± ¡°OKAY, KNOW-IT-ALL!¡± Charlie interrupts, ¡°Anyways! We don¡¯t need to worry about rain because I have an umbrella with us.¡± < < < < I¡¯m sitting with Lori and her friends at lunch, and they¡¯re joking about the Homo-Neanderthalensis (AKA, cavemen) Lori jokes, ¡°For all we know, they rode dinosaurs around.¡± I say, ¡°Well, actually, there¡¯s archeological evidence that dinosaurs and cavemen never actually met each other. The cavemen fossils are above the layers of earth the dinosaurs are all buried in. There¡¯s a huge amount of time difference estimated... uh, I don¡¯t remember the exact number but I know it¡¯s millions and millions of years worth of difference.¡±This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it. Looking up from her phone (that she just pulled out) Lori gives a rather pointed, ¡°Sorry what were you saying?¡± Catching her tone, I tell her, ¡°Uh, Nevermind.¡± < < < < Blythe notices something and groans. ¡°Ugh... where is my earbud?¡± As she starts looking around her seat, I joke, ¡°Maybe it¡¯s lost in Narnia.¡± Blythe looks at me confused. ¡°What?¡± ¡°N- Narnia... it¡¯s... it¡¯s a place from a book... uh, my sister makes that joke all the time- heh... about, uh... things getting lost...¡± I quickly realize she doesn¡¯t care what Narnia is or what jokes my sister makes. < < < < Jana is venting to me about a person she¡¯s messaged, and this guy is trying to hit on her but he just won¡¯t take the hint and keeps texting her things that make her uncomfortable. ¡°And then he said I¡¯ve heard that one before- like what?¡ä Trying to be helpful, I offer, ¡°If it¡¯s bothering you, ask him to stop.¡± Jana looks at me, seeming annoyed. ¡°I did. He didn¡¯t stop.¡± I look back at her. ¡°Then block him(?)¡± ¡°You¡¯re not listening!¡± ¡°... What?¡± ¡°Ugh. Anyways, I told him that I was telling the truth and he was like yeah sure whatever and I was like -¡± < < < < Owen Hayes stops me. ¡°Wait, what did you just say?¡± I repeat slower, ¡°I have a pillow that looks like that...¡± Hayes snickers a bit. ¡°Oh my gosh...¡± ¡°What?¡± Instead of explaining, he taps someone else on the shoulder. ¡°Listen to the way she pronounces Pillow! Haha¡± < < < < We get numbers assigned to us to know who uses which calculator. Every so often, the teacher changes the numbers. Andrew (who sits next to me and chats with me) just got calculator 11. Aww~ I¡¯m jelly~ I note, ¡°You know, in the bible, 11:11 usually is assigned to a passage detailing some sort of judgement, even in disaster form.¡± Andrew gives me a weird look. ¡°What? It¡¯s a random fact I know...¡± ¡°Some random fact...¡± < < < < My mom and I are talking about the actions of historical figures. I add, ¡°Well George Washington was a...¡± the word gets stuck in my mouth, and I vocally stumble. ¡°A- a- s... sh... sho... sho... suh... s...¡± I close my mouth and give up, feeling embarrassed. Why can¡¯t I say the word ¡®soldier¡¯? I managed ¡®pepperoni¡¯ the other day! My mom puts an arm on my shoulder. ¡°It¡¯s fine. I know what you meant.¡± Just feeling more ashamed, I look away from her and let her hand slide off my arm. < < < < Ajax sneers, ¡°Your voice is so annoying¡± < < < < A little girl asks, ¡°Why do you talk like that?¡± < < < < Tara laughs. ¡°Is English really your first language?¡± < < < < Molly sing-songs: ¡°Boring~¡± < < < < Charlie says, ¡°I don¡¯t need all that extra detail.¡± < < < < My sister whines, ¡°That¡¯s because you weren¡¯t listening!¡± < < < < Interrupting me, my English teacher shakes her head. ¡°Kai, you gotta finish this up. We don¡¯t have time.¡± < < < < My dad says, ¡°You need to tone it down, Kai.¡± > > > > I look down and shrug while mumbling, ¡°I dunno...¡± Comfort items I sit down in my next class, feeling frustrated and exhausted. It''s just been a bad day. Between sensory issues and forgetting my phone at home and losing my math notebook (with my notes and homework in it!) and bumping into stuff and just a general bad mood - It''s not a good time. I tug on the straps of my backpack like I usually do, but I notice the edges of the traps are hurting my hands a bit because of the rough texture and how tight I''m gripping them. Crap... too much happening... but- no- I don''t wanna accidentally SIB (* Self Injurious Behaviour: autistic people stim, often in accordance to their feelings, so negative emotions often lead to intense stimming that may be harmful. Think like "tearing out hair" or "scratching into arms", or in Kai''s case, hitting her head on a table. More often than not, Autistic people don''t want to do these things to themselves but it''s like an urge you can''t avoid) I need to calm down.... On impulse, I grab the small Squishable hanging off my backpack. It''s an orange and yellow icecream cup but the cup has a cow''s face. Sam gave me it recently because she got a new backpack decoration and thought it''d be funny to give me it (to be ironic~) I haven''t played with anything like this in years but here I go! As I silently squish the calm-faced animal, I feel all my energy focus onto that object. In seconds, the mental chaos and static and fizzing has been rounded up and kept in one place.This novel''s true home is a different platform. Support the author by finding it there. Then it evaporates. Holy sh!t... that worked??? I continue to rub my finger over the soft fabric, and a wave of relief washes over me like the feeling of easing into a hot tub. As soon as I realize this, my first instinct is to throw this thing into the garbage... Then my next thought reprimands myself for even considering harming this little half-icecream half-cow squishable. (it''s so cute!) But it''s a plushie... Well... so what if things like this calm me? It calms me and it''s not hurting anyone. I don''t care... Why did I stop carrying stuff like this? When I was little I always had a small hand-sized plushie or a fidget toy with me... ... Oh ...I remember now. I was 11. Mom took me to someone else''s party at a bowling alley. I had a small Squishable in my hand but I noticed nobody else had anything like that. I felt embarrassed like I was being immature. If they don''t need it, I don''t either. The next day, I abruptly stopped carrying anything with me and within a week, my parents noticed this. They praised me for not needing "security items" anymore and I took it to mean I was right to think it was a sign of immaturity. After that, I gave away every single small squishable, fidget toy, and plushie I owned to anyone I could. I felt angry at myself. It felt like I had been kicked in the heart. (I realize now the kicked feeling is because of separating from those things too harshly) I remember that for a while, I''ve silently looked down on Bella because she carries around most the stuff I gave her- and still does to this day. Mom and Dad have never told her not to have those things with her, and even praised Bella for having a quick easy way to calm herself. (That conversation happened way more recently than me separating from my stuff so I doubt it was favoritism... not that I care) Sigh... yeah... I need this WHAT- no you don''t- cave people lived for thousands of years without it so you can too! But I really do feel a lot better! Then go be a circus clown and bring me some popcorn because you''re being silly!! >> Kai carries her thing to study hall and her friend Makayla (surprisingly) instantly likes the thingie and Kai is shocked, and starts to feel less shame around it << I... guess... it''s not THAT weird then... uh! It''s not like that makes me happy or anything random Kai moments (SERIES OF KAI MOMENTS) My civics teacher told us to open to page 55 in our guided notes binder. We store those on the shelf so I head over to get mine. I try to pull mine off the shelf but I guess I didn''t aim my hand right because the binder just falls onto the floor. Sh!t I try to pick it up but it slips out of my hand. Sh!t It''s a thin binder!! I promise I''m not weak or clumsy. I''m just autistic... I pick the binder up with both hands and manage to get it to my seat. I then try to open it but somehow fail to do that. Sh!t Feeling embarrassed, I look down and grumble, "f#cking executive dysfunction..." ~~~ I raise my hand. "Wouldn''t you be able to get the same answer by subtracting the solved part from the total value?" My chemistry teacher almost seemed miffed as she looks at the gratuitous graph of numbers she just made. "You''re right. Infact that actually might be easier." I can''t help but grin... and then lower my head onto the table because I hope nobody is looking in my direction. ~~~ "Now, when identifying different angle pairs, it''s important to keep in mind..." I begin to turn out my math teachers voice as I glare at her flumbling across the white board. You are wasting a significant amount of time. if you had used color coding, you wouldn''t have had to redraw the example figure to explain a rather repetitive and simplistic concept... literally all the angle pairs are named literally - I don''t understand why this is hard for others.The author''s content has been appropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon. ((Literal minuets later)) homework... uh... sh!t, where did it go? ... ooh, paper. I wanna drawww ~~~ It''s English class and I couldn''t care less. Yes, writing is my hobby and I love reading. But English classes are just boring. If they wanted to encourage people to communicate better and read more, this isn''t how you do it. My phone dings and I look and see it''s Bella. Ooh, fun, distraction. BELLA: I''m so flabberghasted. I always smirk when I see Bella end texts with periods. Dork. ME: Why? BELLA: What''s the point of naming the Atlantic and Pacific oceans? They''re all the same ocean! ME: Well that''s why they all have "ocean" in the name; they''re all ocean I then smirk at myself for having most grammar excluding periods BELLA: well obviously. ME: But the ocean is big so sectioning it off and naming the sections is highly efficient so you know what part of the ocean you''re talking about. BELLA: I guess that''s true ME: and it''s not like the names don''t make sense- the Artic ocean is by the artic and the Indian Ocean is by India BELLA: Fine, it''s not pointless. I don''t know why but proving my sister wrong about something being pointless puts me in a good mood. ~~~ I just witnessed a student take a photo of the history teacher before their phone was taken... Humans are stupid... and they say I''m the slow one. wait... what if the reason people don''t like autistic people is because we have better senses, have a weird ability to predict the weather, can read people a lot better than you''d think, and our brains don''t prune so we technically have more potential for various things neurotypicals don''t... what if it''s not that we''re "slow", we just operate in such a different way that the neurotypicals are just... jealous petty windbags? ... damm... science. Forget Girl-Math, that''s AuDHD-math! ~~~ I plop down in the study hall room. In my brain, I let out a sigh. Jeez, lunch was a pain. ... wait, why is nobody here? Wait... it''s not a study hall day... Oh sh!t-fucks I sling on my backpack in run up the staircase. ~~~ As I get off the bus, the wind blows off my hood. I murmur, "what a d!ck..." Wait, did I really just curse at the d!ck-less wind? - - - When Kai gets home, the first thing she does is wash her hands and change her clothes (Byebye contaminants from the outside) ~~~ Sometimes Kai stays in her room and wraps herself in her favorite blanket, has her plushies nearby to snuggle, and she just sorta lays in her bed like this with nothing else happening. This is her way of recharging. ~~~ Funfact, Kai believes anime is a "five thirty PM and past" thing and won''t watch anime before that time. Usually Kai works on homework or her stories or plays video games until then. ~~~ Funfact, Kai actually doesn''t use her phone very much. Aside from randomly googling things and texting her sister, she doesn''t use it much. As for her laptop computer, Kai spends a LOT of time on it. Whenever Kai does spend a lot of time on her phone, it''s almost always because she''s scrolling down jokes and memes and short stories and writting prompts on pintrest. ~~~ Funfact, Kai loves acoustic and piano music most. She almost always has a relaxing playlist playing, and this helps with her audio-sensory-issues. If she''s in a really good mood though, it''ll be early 2000s pop music she heard as a kid, or her favorite songs from various anime. The first tab open on her computer is always YouTube for playing music. ~~~ Because Kai usually eats dinner foods for breakfast, naturally, dinner is usually breakfast foods.