《A Crossbow Aimed at the Heart》


 A Peculiar Request...

    The Addams family manor sat perched on a dreary hill at the end of an empty cul-de-sac, its steeples and arches giving it the character of a cat rearing to attack.


    While not a place which received many visitors, it had one today ¡ª standing out in front of its tall, wrought-iron gate was a slender young man in a brown peacoat.


    "Uh, good morning... here on business!" Jeremy Brandt spoke awkwardly in the direction of the gate.


    At a moment''s notice, the gate appeared to spontaneously spring to life, and steadily swung open with a strained creak.


    Jeremy shook his head in amusement, and began down the cobbled path toward the gothic mansion''s front door. He ran a hand through his semi-styled hair as he mulled over everything he felt he needed to remember for the consultation he¡¯d arrived to give. Memory wasn''t particularly his strongest attribute, which made him a mediocre accountant, but he''d been receiving steady work from the peculiar family living at the edge of town who, for whatever reason, had appeared to have taken a liking to him.


    "Jeremy!" exclaimed an ecstatic Gomez Addams, who had burst the door open just as Jeremy had reached his hand out to knock.


    "Hey!" Jeremy chuckled, "you''re always startling me like that, man."


    "Nonsense!" Gomez moved in to embrace him. "You''re exactly on time, the host should be here ready to greet you!"


    Gomez was a jubilant Castilian man with a list of eccentricities too long to count, one of which being the pencil thin mustache he sported above his million-dollar grin. Jeremy figured that the unbridled enthusiasm with which the guy approached life was the reason the 50-year-old was able to maintain his vigor. Then again, the family were also known to brew potions.


    Gomez lead Jeremy into the foyer where an enchanting Morticia Addams waited to greet him.


    "Jeremy, have you been keeping well?" she asked sweetly, promptly gracing his cheek with a kiss.


    "Uh,¡± he laughed awkwardly, "actually, it''s been a pretty dreary week for me¡ª¡°


    "Oh, well that''s wonderful to hear!" she exulted.


    He chuckled, as he knew better than to think she''d misheard him. Yet another Addams idiosyncrasy; he''d decided to himself that the family must collectively romanticize masochism, or something.


    "Now now, we have business to discuss!" proclaimed Gomez, ushering the party into the home''s library. The ornate gothic decor really made the entire manor feel like visiting a museum.


    "Pubert! You''ll crack your head playing on that! ¡ªCrack it again, I mean!" Gomez scolded joyfully.


    Jeremy turned his head to see young Pubert Addams swinging on the bookshelf ladder, rolling from one side to the other, cackling to himself.


    Jeremy had never seen a child with a mustache before, but Pubert inexplicably had one matching his father''s, as well as an identical combover haircut. It was perfectly ridiculous, but something Jeremy had come to expect, having visited this home as many times as he had over the past year.


    Still in play mode, Pubert ran toward the door screaming.


    "Hello Jeremy!" he yelled, inadvertently shoulder-checking Jeremy on his way out, causing him to drop his bag.


    "Oh, allow me," Morticia offered sympathetically, ¡°isn''t our son turning out to be just a terror?" she said with a glint in her eye, handing Jeremy his bag back.


    "He gets a little, uh,louderevery time I see him," agreed Jeremy, massaging his ear.


    "Sit! Sit, let us make ourselves comfortable, please!" urged Gomez, pulling some armchairs over toward the desk in the centre of the room.


    "So," he continued, "we asked you to visit because we wish to discuss something, but first, we know you like to update us on the financial goings-on whenever you see us, so, please!"


    "Yes," Jeremy laughed, "well, no mailman seems willing to deliver any letters to this place, so this is our only option for correspondence after what you did to your phone line¡ª"


    Gomez cackled. "Ahhh yes, the poltergeist incident! How could I forget?" he beamed.


    "Right," Jeremy sympathized, chuckling awkwardly, "well, as far as the farm upstate, I''m happy to report that Pugsley has been able to post two consecutive months of profit ¡ª the tourist amenities we added have been a total boon for the place, all the people flocking to see Pugsley''s famous, uh, ¡®Frankenstein gourds¡¯,¡± he continued, "and his claim on America''s largest pumpkin is still intact, so there''s that too. I''m sure he can look forward to a great month when October rolls around."This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it.


    "He''s just been thriving out there hasn''t he," Morticia gleamed, "I''m so proud to think of all of the little children he must have been able to traumatize!"


    ¡°Right¡­ Well, I told him that if he ever decided to set up a haunted maze that people out there go wild over that kind of thing," Jeremy added, "but yeah, not too much else to go over, I mentioned I might want authorization to open up that second account like we discussed last¡ª"


    "Whatever you think is best!" Gomez cut in, "Morticia and I trust you completely, Jeremy! Don''t we,mon cher?"


    Morticia nodded with a smile.


    "And how refreshing it is," Gomez continued, "we''ve always found those who have filled your role in the past to be thorns in our side, Jeremy, never accepting of our ways ¡ª our last wanted to have some city interior designer come and redecorate the house to improve its resale value, or some such nonsense... Like we''d ever sell this place!" he scorned. "Letting that man go was a snap decision after that."


    ¡°And with a fittingseverancepackage, of course,¡± added Morticia, grinning wickedly.


    Jeremy pondered the literal interpretation she may have been alluding to.


    "In any case," Gomez giggled, "let us move on from these mundane matters!"


    He rested a hand on Jeremy''s shoulder.


    "We must confess, we have a considerable favor to ask of you..." He released Jeremy''s shoulder and slowly began to pace toward the window overlooking the courtyard.


    "It''s about our eldest, Wednesday," he began earnestly, "we''ve provided her the freedom she''s desired¡ª as you know we''ve allowed her the use of our midtown property, we even sent our butler Lurch along with her¡ª"


    "We were skeptical to begin with that she''d be suited to life in the city," Morticia added, "but we fear that she''s taken the opportunity to become, well, a shut-in."


    Gomez turned. "As Addams'', we are well aware that an affinity for our fellow man doesn''t exactly run in our bloodline!" Gomez explained, "but that isn''t to say that our clan aren''t a social people ¡ª we both host and attend spirited events all year round! We have a vast extended family, living in all pockets of this world!"


    "We haven''t heard from her, not once, since she moved out..." Morticia said somberly. "Lurch came by the manor one time for some fire salts, and he told us she goes months without ever leaving the house."


    Jeremy was finding himself somewhat puzzled as to their purpose in telling the tale of their daughter¡¯s supposed rebellion. Admittedly, having not yet met the Addams¡¯ eldest, he was mildly curious of what she might be like. Though, if it were differences from her parents which had driven her away from them, in that case he wasn¡¯t sure it was wise to wonder what the Addams¡¯ peculiarities might look like absent their rampant jubilance.


    "Truly, it''s not about us," Gomez confessed, "we simply worry she''s allowing life to pass her by ¡ª we feel that life is something which ought be grasped by the horns!¡ª"


    "Or the neck," Morticia added with a coy smile.


    "We remember a vivaciously sadistic little girl, our Wednesday," he reminisced.


    "She used to have dreams of being a homicidal maniac..." added Morticia, "I don''t believe she''s killed in years!"


    "No..." agreed Gomez.


    Jeremy attempted a sympathetic laugh, though he wasn''t entirely sure he was in on the joke.


    "Well,¡± he started, "I''m sure if you went down and visited her that she''d be glad to see you¡­?¡±


    "Oh, we wouldn''t want to smother her like that," Morticia said plainly, to Jeremy''s puzzlement.


    "Okay..." he chuckled, "so, you want me to go down there and beg her to come home, or?¡ª"


    "No, nothing so blunt," Gomez answered, "we''d like you to audit her!" he said cheerfully, startling Jeremy. "We understand she''s been spending large during her time there, which of course is hardly a bother; our money is her money, but she doesn''t need to know that ¡ª better to have a little threat behind it, eh? Perhaps she gains the impression we''re ready to pull the plug without some moderation, that should at least get your foot in the door," he chortled.


    "My foot in the door, to?¡ª" Jeremy puzzled.


    "To turn her around! Have her find some passion!" Gomez exclaimed excitedly.


    "Right... okay," Jeremy rubbed his head, "but what makes you thinkI''mthe person to do that?"


    "Oh, please! You''re more perceptive than you give yourself credit for,¡± Gomez encouraged, ¡°the two of you are of a similar age, you''ll have a common understanding ¡ª remind me your age Jeremy?"


    "I''m 23."


    "She just turned 21! It''s perfect!"


    "Right," Jeremy murmured. "...Wait, what do you mean, perfect for what?"


    Morticia and Gomez exchanged glances.


    Gomez approached him. "Well, to put it delicately... our family, us Addams'', well, we''ve always found it pertinent that our lineage be fruitful¡ª"


    "Oh, god¡ª" Jeremy began to back away. "Listen¡ª I''ll do the audit thing, I''ll maybe talk with her about... what you were saying, but I don''t feel comfortable with all this other stuff you''re talking about¡ª"


    "There''s no need to feel awkward, Jeremy!" Gomez sang, "I understand from what you tell me that you haven''t been with a lady in quite some time."


    Jeremy blinked in disbelief.


    "I believe you''ll find she''s inherited her looks from her mother..." Gomez continued, reaching out and kissing Morticia''s hand.


    "I need to, um," Jeremy stammered, "is there an offramp? For this discussion? I don''t¡ª"


    "All I''m saying is that you, Jeremy, would make a perfectly adequate son-in-law, and you know well what you would stand to inherit, were you to join this family," Gomez said warmly, clutching Jeremy by the shoulders.


    They both stared at him expectantly.


    "I think," he began tentatively, "that you are both very nice people, and that you''ve been good to me¡ª"


    "Of course, you may decide your feelings as they take you, Jeremy!" Gomez interjected, "but do go down there for us, yes? It need not be today! It need not be tomorrow! But rest on it, please. Bring her records of expenditures, tout it as a business visit." He began to walk Jeremy out.


    "Oh, and... best to arrive in the evening, I think," he smiled, "I''ll leave this to you as well, should there be any trouble." He pulled out a large key from his pocket, and placed it in Jeremy''s hand.


    "Do drop by again whenever you fancy," Gomez said with a grin, "we''d be overjoyed to hear how things are going!"


    Jeremy attempted a smile. "Sure, will do," he said half-heartedly.


    "Come!" Gomez opened his arms.


    Jeremy hugged him farewell, and returned a goodbye to Morticia, who waved to him from the foyer.


    Jeremy turned and left back down the cobbled path to his car.


    There would be times when he thought he had finally become accustomed to the Addams'' peculiarities, but then equally as often there were times when he thought to himself: God, did he work for some odd people.