Bribing officials followed a well-defined mathematical equation, where the seriousness of the crime (or hoped-for business), the honesty of the official, the current political situation, even the weather, and the content and amount of the official''s last meal were represented by variables.


    Of course, if the official had some personal stake in the issue – say, for example, being related to one of the sides – it also had a place in the equation.


    If, for example, one side consisted of honored, well-known adventurers, and the other side of close relatives, one side had to pay considerably more, than the other.


    Since Prof’s collection of misfits could not, by any stretch of the meaning called honored or well-known (well, certain constables probably had signed pictures of some, with a nice round number under the picture), and were only adventurers for tax-avoidance purposes, the sum most likely came up to exorbitant levels.


    Prof started to get a feeling, of what the unique, Gerulian culture, the travel guide spoke of was. So far, they visited two Gerulian countries, and in both, they were accosted by officials for made-up things. It was the Domain all over again. Well, without all the speciesism and xenophobia. At least the Elves spent the money, they got from unsuspecting tourists on important things like roads, working infrastructure, and prepared camping grounds.


    The Gerulians probably just got fat and bought fancy high heels.


    Not, that Prof was overly surprised by the officials lining their own pockets, and letting public works safely sit at the bottom of the to-do list. Not, that Earth (and especially certain parts of it) was any different.


    “So, dear brother, what brings you here today?” the judge asked.


    “These low-lives insulted and attacked me in broad daylight! I demand satisfaction!” the merchant declared.


    “All right, the case is clear as it is. I declare full seizure of assets and expulsion from the town! Case closed!" The multiverses probably never saw such a quick and impartial court case.


    “Honored judge! While I understand your position on the current issue, don’t we have a right to defend our position?”


    “Oh, yes, you have the right to do that. Continue, foreigner vagrant.”


    “I’m a Prince!”


    “And I’m the possible heir to my estate!”


    “We aren’t vagrants!” the two Forestean protested, forgetting to small issue, that they were vagranting about in a van, making money out of robbing innocent dungeons, random bandits, and low-effort adventuring work.


    “Sush, not helping!” Prof interrupted them “As I was saying, me and my companions were traveling South, to do important adventuring work, minding our own business, when the esteemed merchant to my right let his goons attack us without grounds. They even took the prince here hostage and demanded money.”


    “I see…" the judge deliberated "After carefully investigating the circumstances and the statements of the opposing parties, I declare the foreigner vagrant adventurers at fault for insulting and attacking my dear brother in broad daylight. The sentence is the full seizure of assets and expulsion from the town."


    “See, Prof, this is why you have to do things the proper way. That is, my way.” Mini informed him “A little bit of carnage can solve most problems. If it doesn’t solve the problems, you didn’t inflict enough carnage. Sharpclaw, you may start stabbing.”


    “Hold on a second!" Prof was fairly certain, that inflicting carnage on a town hall wasn''t a solution to their current – or any – problems. Quite likely, it did the opposite. If it did solve problems, everyone, across all the multiverses would do it, no? "I invoke a conflict of interests! I demand a new judge!"


    “Bad luck, I’m the only judge in town, only the local Baron or the town major could overrule my decision. Now, hand over your assets and be prepared for expulsion!”


    “Over my cold corpse!” Mini cried out “Well, I’m all right with expulsion from this boooooring town.”


    “Mini, you do realize, you are room temperature and technically a corpse?” Prof tried to point out a slight contradiction in Mini’s statement.


    “Right, you are right. Since I’m dead, getting my stuff would be considered grave robbing!”


    “You aren’t in a grave, but walking around, cadaver.”


    “D?nci, you well know, that according to Forestean custom, any place, where a corpse is found, is considered a grave. Try to explain to any Lich or Bone Knight, their castle isn''t technically a grave! Since I''m here, this courtroom will be considered a crypt!"


    “You are undead, not dead. You can’t grave rob an undead, who is walking around!” a vein on the judge’s forehead started to stand out.


    “Of course you can! I’m doing that all my life! Besides, you are squatting in my crypt right now! I will call the guards!”


    “This my courtroom, not your crypt! It is located in the town hall, belonging to Baron Torre E Bassotto! You are squatting here! I will call the guards!”


    “So, your little baron is hiding corpses in his town hall?!? Besides, I’m not squatting, I’m just standing around!”


    Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on the original website.


    “Of course, he hides corpses, he is a Baron! But that isn''t valid in your case, you aren''t hiding! And you are trespassing!"


    “You brought me here! Aaaand, I can hide there! Then I would either be in my crypt or the Baron would hide me, an undead, in his closet! Ha-ha!”


    By that time, the judge''s vein started to throb, and he started to get red in the face too. Given the example of the Noise Marine back in Sumpfigerort, Mini could annoy even a healthy combatant to death – what she could do to an office worker, who neglected to visit the gym twice a week, was anyone''s guess.


    Prof, as a born Gentleman, couldn’t let that happen – even to a clearly evil bureaucrat, wanting to steal his wealth.


    “Esteemed judge, I may have a solution for the current issue! I will remove my companion here from your court hall, not even an apology from the honored merchant would be required! There wouldn’t be a legal question of grave robbing wandering undead, or what kind of corpses the Baron would be hiding in his closet. A win-win situation for everybody!”


    The judge deliberated for less, than a second.


    “All right, all right. Get out of here! But! I don’t want to see you ever again!”


    The judge learned a very important life lesson: never argue with a crazy Vampire, and if you do, don’t expect to win.


    As the triumphant party was leaving the picturesque, pyramidal town hall (without even bribing anyone! Being polite was indeed a nice thing!), Prof had time to admire the balustrade, the travel guide spoke of. He wasn''t overwhelmed. He expected some classical freezes, carefully carved, animated, and maybe even painted. What he got was a badly done cartoon rendition of something like Bugs Bunny or The Road Runner. Clearly, Gerulian art stopped on the level of a grade-schooler.


    Well, art was in the eye of the demon spawn, or beholder, or some other insidious monster.


    “You are truly an annoying piece of an otherwise useless corpse." D?nci congratulated their resident Vampire.


    “Oh, thank you! All that training and Skill Points finally made a difference. I got [Annoying] to 100%! It’s one of the most awesome Skills a girl could have!”


    “I beg to differ…”


    “Says someone, who has [Whining] and [Complaining] at a Grandmaster level!”


    “There aren’t Skills like that! And I’m not whining and complaining!” Prof complained and whined. Then, he remembered, who he was arguing with. “Look! A statue!”


    It was indeed a statue, standing in the middle of the marketplace. It was sculpted in the – obviously – standard Gerulian style of markedly cartoonish workmanship, painted in bright colors. Missing every last of the cultural Gerulian Skills, Prof could just only guess the depicted male, holding a scale and a hammer was someone important in the past. A merchant, ruler, judge, or something.


    Or, going by the Greenskinian way of erecting monuments, it symbolized, where the marketplace was, if visitors misunderstood the tents, tables, and stalls for anything else.


    The Garuli had a pronounced fetish for pyramids, even the tents and stalls were built in such a way – that Prof wondered if there was an Arkdian culture, that only built round, spherical, or dodecahedral.


    Or at least normal, Gothic or Renaissance structures. Back on Earth, even the Japanese depicted medieval towns in such a way, but on Arkadia, Prof hadn''t found any trace of it yet.


    “All right, folks!” Prof assumed a leading role “First order is to get cheap fuel for the Hogs. Second, see if we can find some local specialties, especially booze. Maybe a barrel of passable beer; I don’t want to waste the good Greenskinian stuff. As soon as we are done, we will visit the picturesque ruins of the stadium, and a few other sights to see. I don’t want to spend the night here.”


    “Can we at least come back later? Set fire to the town, or organize a nice orgy? I need my fun!”


    “I second the useless bimbo. We have to make an example of this town! They disrespected me, the glorious Prince D?nci, future Supreme Emperor of the Unified West!”


    “Ehm… No?" Mini on her own was barely containable, with another Forestean crazy, the whole voyage descended into a constant battle, so the two didn''t depopulate the area, just because it would have been "fun". Trying to see the sights with those two was equal to bringing a couple of bored teens to visit the fifth museum in as many days. Or go to the dentist.


    Spoilsports.


    “Give me money!” Prof was interrupted in sharing his shopping list (and containing bloodthirsty morons) by an order from waist height.


    “Excuse me?” Prof took a look at a young female, maybe sixteen years or so of age, sitting next to one of the buildings. Clothed in the cheapest peasant clothing, and enough dirt and filth that wouldn’t be misplaced on any hard-working member of the agrarian proletariat after a long day of… doing things the agrarian proletariat did, she held out a chipped bowl to Prof.


    “I''m begging you! Give me money! Now!" Obviously, the girl hadn''t put enough Points into [Begging] and went with [Intimidation] instead. For a probably-beggar, that wasn''t the right thing to do – even [Con] or [Convincing] would have been better. No one liked beggars, and rude, demanding beggars even less.


    At least she spoke in understandable Gerulian, not like most others.


    “Look, girly" Mini engaged her teaching mode "You are doing this completely wrong! You should back up demands with enough force, be it weapons or just a brick to the head, to make a point. Let me give you an example!" Mini drew her saber and approached Prof "Gimme cash! Now! Or I start stabbing!"


    “No. Mini, you have your own money, I’m not financing your fancy spending!”


    “See? This is without enough backing force! Sharpclaw! Display your secret technique!”


    “Stop that already! Sharpclaw, don’t even think about it!”


    “And this was with a high enough threat. We didn’t even use [Intimidation]!”


    “Ignore the crazy Vampire. Well, she did have a point. I think you are indeed doing the whole begging thing wrong. Demanding money from foreigners only works, if you are working for the government or are a bandit. Or both. I think beggars should ask for a little bit of contribution nicely and politely."


    “No need to be cruel!" the beggar replied, obviously chastised enough "I''m new to the whole business! I got my Character Parchment only last week!"


    “I see… You don’t seem to have much talent for begging, though. Why chose this work then?”


    “Look, my village was burned to the ground by some noble in a squabble with my lord. It was always said to go to a town and make an honest living. As a fresh Level 1 Normal, there are not many jobs, I can do. So, it was either begging, banditry, or whoring."


    “Those last two are actually very respected occupations!” Mini supplied “You can lay on your back either way. Provide much-needed work and relaxation for soldiers and adventurers. You could even combine the two, and get paid for even more fun!”


    “Yeah, killing stuff for a living or just because is always a good career, even for impoverished, useless peasant bitches.” D?nci aired his opinion “Let’s get moving and let that trash starve in peace.”