It''s been more than three days and there was no give. I''ve exhausted my best material, including old classics are we there yet and that''s an odd way to start a conversation in the middle of a discussion, striking up serious discourse when he''s on the shitter. Demanded all sorts of princely treatment – and got it. I was even inconsistent!


    Today I have doodled moustache on his harsh face out of frustration and got everyone to compliment the looks. Everybody went along with it without any convincing. So I was cheating – neither it was verbal abuse, nor coming from me – but I was getting desperate. Call the militia on me. Pretty sure he had noticed something was off upon the first mention, but didn''t do a thing about it either. Just flashed his beautiful dimples and moved along.


    This was... so boring.


    I fell into a chair dramatically, "You all are killing me... What''s with all this coddling? Where''re all the biting words, my mental stimulation? This is a maltreatment. My fabulous brain will rot away."


    "It''s like we''d have a new kid... but from a well-off family?" a boy of around twelve, maybe fourteen said. He was as serious as Ruby sometimes. Yes, I was a terrible example for all these kids.


    "Isn''t he just the cutest," Ruby said, ruffling my black hair. It was about time to cut it, fringe started getting in the way. "Go along with it."


    "Listen to the voice of reason," I snapped with no finesse and pointed at the child, who had potential of snapping sooner than Ruby. He was called Dentist for a reason. Didn''t cause problems at home and that was all that mattered to us. Perhaps it should. But again – we were no parents of the year. More like every other weekend.


    "Hmm," Ruby pretended to give it thought, circling his fake moustache with thumb and forefinger and sipped tea.


    "I surrender, please stop this," I begged. "I know this is hard on you too, just... let it all out. I need your surliness."


    Ruby shook his head, smiling with entire face, "If I knew this is what gets under your skin, I would have done this sooo long ago."


    "Youuuu fiend," I hissed.


    He was usually so much gloomier than this. It was highly unusual to see him with a twinkle in the eyes. Usually the smile didn''t pass the dimples. We lost so much in such short a time, but he was content to have ripped something back out of the life''s ruthless maw. I didn''t hate it. And it was a sentiment everyone in the house shared. It''s why they went along with my pranks, even if grunting and sighing. And I would be sure to use that to full advantage. As soon as an inspiration struck me.


    I coughed, straightened up and announced, "So it has come to this. Unfortunately for you, I am three moves ahead and already expected it. I hid your shoes."


    The boy who was more of an adult than me muttered, "He is a child."


    I saw Ruby''s eyes narrow but he huffed and waved the notion away as though I was bluffing, "They''re in the rack, saw them."


    "What you''ve seen, good sir, are the shoes that are... left," I dropped the other shoe, proverbially speaking. Ruby exhaled through the nose audibly but was still grinning. Not enough. "Come on, that was a good one!" I cracked again.


    "Are my shoes still together?" alarmed, Dentist slid off his chair and scurried into the hallway to check.


    An idea. "If you don''t get your shit together, I''ll start bullying him and neither of us wants to deal with that. Especially me. I can''t spare any more teeth, for one," I laid out new terms very seriously and poked the tongue out through the gaps.


    The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement.


    Ruby was still grinning. Even more, in fact? "I''ll protect you," he promised.


    "What about me? I was the one threatened to get bullied," scrawny kid with crinkled bushy eyebrows crabbed, clutching his only pair of footwear by his heart.


    "See, life is tough and unfair, kid. Gotto learn that some time," being a benevolent role model I proudly bestowed a life lesson onto the orphan. His lips curled into a scowl. Outstanding, he could really be my replacement Ruby! As long as the child doesn''t start throwing punches... which was a real possibility.


    "It will bother him the most if you don''t do a damnedest thing," our red haired patriarch suggested unhelpfully. Mature child glared down at me and nodded.


    "Ugh! You''re ruining everything," I muttered and regrouped immediately. "But not all is lost. We shall witness whether the pupil can match the master," I intoned deeply towards both of them and the child just left without even rolling his eyes.


    "Hey wait!" I shouted after him with a serious intonation and sullen expression popped back out. "So, how would you like to have a new friend? I swear, I''m very immature twenty something year old, we''ll get along great."


    Dentist sounded unimpressed, "That''s what a pedo would say."


    "Just look what he''s offering me! Ruby, reconsider, or you''re soon gonna be replaced," I gestured to the empty doorway with great enthusiasm.


    Nothing. All I got was a peaceful smile as he gripped that damned hot water in his both hands. He probably saw something unpleasant on my face because finally offered a lifeline and egged me on, "We''ve got a lot of obnoxiousness to make up for. At least a month''s worth. Chop chop."


    I tried to muster up enthusiasm, but my fire sizzled and extinguished again. Stood up and paced in front of perching friend. I was not above begging, but tried dressing it up in a jolly tone, "I feel like I''ve returned to a wrong house. Why''s everyone so nice to me? After a life we''ve led, that is highly unusual, yano? I feel like I''m about to die. Am I?! Do you know something I don''t? In fact, who even are you and what have you done with my best friend?! And wipe off that awful doodle, I can''t take you seriously."


    "I''ll take everything you give me with a smile and won''t ever take you for granted again," his low tone promised with conviction, eyes burning with intent and I just...


    "Ugh," corner of my lip curled in disgust. "Look, I''m turning into you now. Do something about this."


    Ruby grabbed onto my wrist and squeezed so much it hurt, trying to convey something words just could not.


    "Ugh, stop," I grouched but soon gave up struggling. All my pretend high-spirits evaporated. Wrapped my other arm around his neck. "Fuck''s sake, Rubine... Please go back to being normal. You''re my solid ground. When you''re freaking out... You''re making me very afraid. And all this indulgence... makes me feel fragile. I just can''t... feel... like I''m breaking. Not here. Don''t do this to me."


    I had to make everything a joke. But when nobody was laughing, it wasn''t a joke anymore and I had to face all of the serious things.


    "Okay," he exhaled into my neck after a while.


    I peeled him off me and saw the emeralds brim with yet unspilled emotion again. Fuck. I''d never realised how close to breaking point this man was. Always so collected, just rolling with the punches. Rolling them out, to be more precise. I''d never seen him like this. Because we''d never been forced apart like this.


    "Everything''s okay," I said. Would things ever be okay anymore? This little field trip seemed to have shattered the ruby inside of him... I''d hate to even consider how mad I would have gone if he was the one taken. I barely had the willpower to keep myself alive, much less to deal with others'' crap.


    "I''m okay," my best friend whispered back after containing maelstrom that was on the verge of breaking out. "Now, where the fuck did you put my boots?"


    Clinging to pretend-normalcy I cracked a tentative half-smile and feigned confusion.


    "I have to go pick up rest of the supplies for your new buddies," Ruby added as if it was my business, even though nobody asked him to meddle. But the man gave me an honest to god glower so I didn''t mention such irrelevant details.


    "Oh, you''d love them. They''re all scowl and murder, too."


    "Boots," he insisted single-mindedly without letting me launch a distraction.


    "Hm? Did you misplace them?" I asked in a baby talk. Before I could suffer ire, I attempted an escape veiled in an actual helpful manoeuvre, "Tsk, tsk, tsk. Let''s go look for your lost footsie covers."


    "Riverrr," he''d grabbed my retreating form and tickled. I squealed, shook, elbowed him in the face and eventually capitulated – right after slamming my knee into a corner of something or another. Now I couldn''t walk on both legs.


    Alarm in his wide eyes was obvious, but we both ignored it. He went to retrieve the footwear after depositing me on the couch and I immediately limped out of the house with manic glee. Ruby would not be thrilled to find high heels there.