During my parent’s nasty divorce, my mother kicked my brother out of our house. The only way my brother could cope with all the constant fighting was with drugs. I never knew about it. Matt hid it so well. Mom found his stash in between his bed mattress.
I never saw him again after that.
Mom liked to remind me constantly that Matt is out there begging for money so he can get sauced up. I liked to remind myself that I won’t do anything that may lead to addiction like that. Drugs ripped my best friend away from me.
Matthew was seven years older than me but was the best big brother I could ever have. My strongest memory of him was when we were at the town’s fair on the fourth of July. I was nine and Mom and Dad only wanted to stay for an hour because they didn''t want to spend that much money. Matthew, being the sweetheart he was, paid for me to have one of those unlimited ride passes. Even after Mom and Dad left, he stayed by my side so I could have as much fun as possible.
There was this one game that had this giant-sized teddy bear that I just needed to have. I kept bugging Matthew to win it for me but he refused. Instead, he let me try to get it for myself. He must have spent around forty dollars on me on just my attempts before he got impatient and played for me.
It took him about twenty more before he won.
I felt bad that he spent so much money on me but he just told me, “The smile on your face makes it all worth it, Ellie. Don’t worry about it.”
So I never appreciated it when Mom talked bad about him. “I saw Matt today. He’s still begging for money out in the streets of Seattle,” she snickered that morning. “He saw me and tried to approach me”
I got out of my seat and left the kitchen and was like: “Do you really have to laugh at him at every chance you get?”
She’s like: “I’m not the one who threw my life away.”
“Maybe he just needs help! Did you even consider sending him to rehab before you threw him out?!”
“We don’t give second chances in this household. Now, I don’t want to talk about this anymore, we’re just gonna fight again,” Mom paused. “It’s not too late to go to Ibiza with us for the summer, Elizabeth. Clint thinks it’s a good chance to explore your options on what you want to do later in life. Certainly, you’ll have more fun in Spain than here.”
“Ew, no, I don’t want to go anywhere with Clint.”
“I’m not gonna make the offer again. It’s Spain, darling. Ibiza.”
“I’ll be fine here.”
If I had gone with them to Spain, everything would have been different. There’s no point in what-ifs anyway.
“Suit yourself. You have until tomorrow to change your mind.”
That was the last morning I saw my mother.
That morning was also the last day I stayed friends with Megan.
“Have you been ignoring me?!” She said outside of my house. “Don’t tell me you’ve gone dark on social media. You haven’t posted anything, and I mean anything in days. People think you’re dead!”
“I’ve been busy.”
“With what? It’s not Cody, is it?”
I shrugged, “Kind of,”
“Ugh, I can’t believe you. Looks like I have to take your spot this year.”
“Excuse me?”
“I’m just saying,” Megan had her snarky, judgmental voice. “You haven’t really been keeping the plebeians in check. I’ll have to take over and do that for you.”
“Ew who says plebeians? And who cares? It’s just high school. No one is going to remember who we are after we graduate.”
Raising my voice at her felt good. The words came out before I even thought of them. I was ready to just explode at her for being such a snake in the grass. I couldn’t stay quiet any longer.
“Um, hello? Elizabeth? The future doesn’t matter because we’re not in it. We have a reputation to uphold and you’re breaking it.”
“Just how you broke my trust when you slept with Chad?”
Megan became stunned really fast, sudden enough for her to take a step back. It took her a second but she regained her composure by scoffing and flipping her blonde hair back. “I guess it wouldn’t be kept secret for too long. You weren’t fucking him, so I fulfilled what you didn’t, like always.”
“Ugh, I can’t believe you. You only care about yourself. You’re such a bitch!”
“Uh, and you’re not the same?”
No. I’m above it all. I always have been better than that. I’m not a bitch to people like Megan. I tried to be friendly with everyone. That’s what makes me more likable than Megan. But it was just a front, a show everyone expected me to have. I couldn’t let my real thoughts and opinions out of my mind. I saw an out, and I was taking it.
I didn’t want this anymore. I didn’t want to be the Golden Girl. Yeah, I liked the power but it’s too stressful.
“Fuck you, Megan. Don’t you ever fucking talk to me again, I’m done with your fake bitch-ass. Do whatever the fuck you want!” I yelled, shutting my front door between us.
Megan’s a bitch. Was fckin chad while we were tghtr. Did u know?
I texted Alyssa and Jana Kramer.
WTF? NO! R u ok?Unauthorized usage: this narrative is on Amazon without the author''s consent. Report any sightings.
Jana Kramer replied.
Meet @ camp in 30?
Alyssa replied:
LOL no. Tell us all bout it w/ we get ther
I said:
Ugh. Someone bring booze.
Jana Kramer and Alyssa are there in exactly thirty-three minutes. “Girl, Emmah’s new song is so fire,” Alyssa said to me after getting out of her car with Jana Kramer.
Whenever I feel down, I listen to my favorite artist. Emmah’s songs had a calming feel to them. They were warm like the sound was breathing and alive. Not a lot of people shared the same emotions as I had. Alyssa did.
“What happened?” Jana Kramer asked, hugging me
.I wanted to tell them first before anyone else found out.
I explained everything and how I found out. I was still unsure if they were genuine friends but that doubt quickly faded away. While everyone was trying to get a hold of me to get more details now that Megan wasn’t keeping it a secret, nobody asked how I was doing. They were all too busy trying to decide which side to pick.
“We could totally spread a rumor that Megan got an STD from Chad, “Jana Kramer suggested.
“Don’t be an idiot, Jana. They’ll just think Ellie has it too.”
“Oh yeah.”
“Guys, we don’t have to do anything. She’s not our friend anymore. People only liked Megan cause of me. Everyone will see her true colors soon enough,” I broke my long silence.
“You really think?”
“Are you really doubting me? I predicted snap like two years before it came.”
“Oh yeah.”
I get a text from Cody. In the chaos of the morning, I forgot that we’re supposed to hang out at Emily’s tonight. “Can I get a ride later?” I ask Alyssa.
“Where too?”
“Cody’s.”
Alyssa''s mouth dropped open as a joke, “You’re being sex-positive?”
I laughed, something I needed today. “It’s summer baby. It’s the perfect time to be sex-positive. Did you hook up with Mark, Jana Kramer?”
“What?!” she jerked up, caught off guard. “Oh, uh, no. I don’t think I’m ready for all that.”
Alyssa laughed, “Aren’t you like Catholic anyways?”
“Christian, but yeah, I think I’ll wait for marriage.”
“Is that why you don’t do anything?” I asked.
Jana Kramer happily nodded, “Yup!”
-
My ears were ringing too loudly to hear the conversation around me. I still felt like I didn’t belong but nobody cared that I was at Emily’s. I was left alone. Nobody wanted to know what happened between me and Megan earlier in the day.
We were all sitting in a circle on Emily’s floor. They were playing a drinking game along with Uno. The only one not participating was Chris who was on the bed playing a video game. I was the only one not drinking and like always, not smoking.
“Can I have I hit?” I asked.
The room fell silent as nobody could believe the words that came out of my mouth. Andrew broke the tension with his laughter, “Fuckin’ hell, Ellie! Never thought the day would come!”
“Are you sure?” Cody asked me.
I nodded.
I looked down, uncomfortable that everyone''s eyes weren’t shying away from me. The only one not paying attention to me was Chris, but he never paid attention to anything.
Andrew began to prep the pipe’s bowl.
“You don’t have to,” Emily said.
“I know. I want to.”
“Stop trying to take this away from me!” Andrew laughed, handing me the pipe. “I’ll light it up for you, just inhale.”
My eyes were on Cody while I smoked for the very first time. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. He looked disappointed. He looked curious. I couldn’t tell which he was.
The harsh and musky smoke overpowered my throat in less than a second and I started to cough. It tasted like shit but what could have I expected? Sara clapped, taking the pipe away from me so she could smoke it next.
My coughing only got worse and started to hurt as my mouth dried up. I expected this, but it was worse than I thought. And yet my violent coughing became irrelevant as the high was building up inside my head and it was turning it so...calm. My body felt heavier like I was submerged in a pool but the world around me only got a little bit brighter.
“So how is it?” Emily asked.
My response felt longer than it was like I couldn’t think as fast. “I feel ugly.”
“Welcome to the real world, Elizabeth,” Andrew laughed. I found it funny and it made me laugh.
“Do you like it?” Cody asked me.
“I don’t know yet. First time.”
“And to many more,” Andrew cheered.
-
Cody pulled me outside, I don’t know, hours later?
“You don’t have to smoke if you don’t want to,” he told me.
“I know, I know. I just wanted to today, y’know?”
“Is it about Megan?”
“Maybe.”
“Is that what you want? To not be that girl anymore? It’s why you smoked?”
I laughed. “I don’t know what I want, Cody. Let’s leave it at that. But what about you? You let me do my little ‘revolution. Now that we’re ‘together’ or whatever this is, what made you want me?”
“Are we together?”
“I don’t know, you tell me.”
“Do you want to?”
“Do you have any reason not to?”
Cody chuckled, “You know, sometimes I feel like we live in that small town where horror movies or those thrillers movies happen. The rainy weather makes it so perfect. I wanted something cool to happen. I was getting bored.”
“So I was just for your entertainment? Typical boys,” I scoffed, looking away.
“You weren’t the person I thought you were, Ellie. I’m glad you proved me wrong.”
“Then what is it you want?”
“Be with me.”
“Okay.”
I didn’t know what else to say. Cody stayed silent too. I looked up towards the sky and saw the only thing I always saw, a clouded night. The only difference now was that I wasn’t chained to be someone I didn’t want to be.
“This town, you’re right. It is one of those towns. It wouldn’t surprise me at all where some kid shows up dead in a forest and there''s this big mystery around it that just uncovers all the scandals this town has to hold,” I sighed.
“Do you hate it here?”
“Yeah. You?”
“No. Do you know that smell every time it rains after it hasn’t for a long time? It’s called petrichor, and it’s one of my favorite things in the world.”
“What are the others?”
“The smell of forest fires. There’s no name for that or at least from what I could Google.”
“Why?”
“You ever smell one? Have you ever seen one? The smoke, it’s so deceitful. It’s sweet and welcoming but the reality is that it’s just destruction. The fire is destruction.”
“Is it beautiful?”
“A forest fire?”
“Yes.”
“Nothing else compares.”
Cody kissed me softly on my lips. I’m sucked in and wanted more but I held myself back. I liked it when Cody talked beautifully. I liked how he described things and made them more poetic than they were.
Cody isn’t anything like I remember him being like. He’s more confident and assertive. He’s become a natural at it so it was only natural I would eventually be drawn in. Cody was interesting, and I liked interesting.
And now he was my boyfriend again.
“You left the tall grass,” he said.
“I never had a fork on my tongue.”
“Right,” Cody chuckled, meeting my eyes.
I looked away. They were quicksand and I was going to be sucked in if I lingered too much. It was hard to look at him. Cody found it amusing and it was becoming embarrassing.
On the edge where the porch and the grass meet, I spot a single flower growing out of it. It was out of place.
It was calling out for me.
A blue flower.