Chris placed a small square piece of paper on my palm.
I placed it on my tongue expecting it to taste bad. It didn’t taste like anything. I swallowed it. On top of the boulder in the creek near the treehouse is where I would be during this trip.
Chris said, “A lot of people use hallucinogenics to get a better understanding of themselves and nature.”
“Is that why you do it?”
Chris shook his head. “I seek greater answers.”
“Like what?”
“You’re going to be tripping soon. I don’t want you to get stuck thinking about it.”
“Okay, okay,” I took a few deep breaths. “How long will it take for me to feel anything?”
“You’ll know.”
The forest became brighter first. Then every surface started to form waves on top of them. Patterns started to form on them. When I closed my eyes, a kaleidoscope of colors replaced the darkness. The chirpings of the birds echoed and the soundwaves lingered around.
It was fun.
Suddenly my body didn’t feel that it was mine and only my brain existed. I was inside of my mind.
It’s ineffable.
There are no words.
“What do you feel?” Chris asked me.
“What is this?” I stared at my hands.
“It’s you.”
“It is me.”
I looked at the sky. It was cloudless. It was endless. It was eternal. It was my blanket. It was my warmth. I looked down and the wind rustled to leaves. These leaves were a lullaby.
“What was I so afraid of?” I gasped.
“You did it again.”
“Did what?”
“Corrected to where the universe wants you.”
“And where’s that?”
“Exactly where you are right now.”
“This is…this is…”
The world was moving. It was also at a standstill. The world was quiet. It was peaceful. The gentle flow of the creek hummed me a song. Everything was alright. Everything was going to be okay.
Mother Earth was hugging me; hugging my soul.
I was her child.
I was loved.
I love.
“This is what love is,” I exhale.
“Isn’t weird that so many versions of you exist in people’s minds?” I asked Chris.
Chris climbed the boulder and sat next to me. He took his green parka off and placed it over me. “What versions of you are there?”
“That I’m perfect. That I’m kind. That I have it all. That I’m better than everyone. That I’m this shining hope to this town that there is good to it. Nobody remembers the versions I left behind. Nobody knows the version that’s the true me.”
“And who is that?”
I shrug. “I don’t even know anymore.”
I was being rebellious. I was lashing out. I wanted to hurt the people who hurt me. I didn’t care if I hurt others in the process. I was just hurt. I was hurt that Cody had lied to me. I was growing out of control just to get back at him. I wanted to twist the version of me he had in his mind just to hurt him.
And now I was understanding I didn’t know who that was. I talked big in wanting to care what others thought of me. I thought I was ready to let go of the pressure of everyone’s expectations. I never let it go. I just found a place where I can hide. I spent so much time building the idea of Elizabeth Wilson that I lost sight of who I am deep down.
It was my way of fixing the person that I broke.
I was running away from that.
I forgot what It was. Everyone did.If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.
I grew up awkward and shy. I didn’t have many friends. I was an outcast in elementary school. Girls like Megan and Alyssa were always popular growing up. I always wanted to be like them. It wasn’t until I was 12 that I slowly broke out of my shell. Emily started to become popular around then too, and so was Cody. They were having their glow-ups. I started to date Cody when we were 13. I used to do that to get noticed. I used that to get what I always wanted. My parents were getting divorced and my brother was kicked out.
Being popular was an easy way to forget about home.
I let it get to my head.
There was a suicide just under three ago. There was this girl named Caroline in our grade, Freshman Year. She didn’t do anything to us. She didn’t do anything to me. Caroline kept to her own business and it’s my fault for intruding in her life like I did.
I invited Caroline to sit with us at lunch one day. She invited me to hang out with her at her house
She became a friend.
I betrayed her.
I found messages she was sending out over the internet. She was sexting with strangers online. I found her prescription pills for BPD. I thought it was funny to replace them with sugar pills, so I did.
I don’t know what I was thinking
At a party, we played ‘Never have I ever’. I forced Caroline to admit that she was sexting online. The whole thing became a slut-shaming fiasco and she got bullied so much that she was forced to move schools.
I did it because I thought I would get approval from the older popular girls, girls like Jessica Lynn. It worked.
But at what cost?
The pills that I stole were keeping Caroline’s mental health stable. I took that away from her. We all found out about her suicide two months later. Nobody suspected me. They all thought that it was everyone’s fault for bullying her, not mine.
But I’m the sole person to blame.
Everyone forgot that it happened. No one remembers. It’s like it never happened. Nobody cared. Everyone stopped caring. It always happened. Caroline did not exist anymore.
And it made me feel utterly disgusting.
They still don’t remember.
-
Chris walked me home before the sun could fully set. I still had a few hours left on my trip but the most intense part was over. Chris told me that I should lie down and watch something relaxing.
I wasn’t in my head as much, but I still wanted to be myself for a moment. There was a lot I had processed and needed to relax.
I sat down on my sofa and reached over for the TV remote. The vial of Winter that Andrew gave me was right next to it. I picked that up instead.
I knew very little about this drug. There wasn’t much to find while I looked it up. It was most popular five years ago and then it suddenly vanished. A few posts on online forums said it was the greatest experience in the world. No one experiences the same thing so nobody can properly describe it. All I got was that the high is personal to the individual. That it makes you whole.
I drank the vial.
It was freezing mint.
-
When I was little I used to cry for my dad whenever I woke up in the middle of the night. It was always because of thirst and I was to get myself a glass of water. I was scared of the dark. I always thought a monster lurked in the shadows. My dad always made sure there were no monsters around.
The last time I saw him happy, he took me on a day at the beach. He taught me how to swim that day. He taught me that the ocean wasn’t as scary as I thought and that it was peaceful. I liked to lay on an inflatable float listening to the ocean’s waves.
Now my dad’s gone with some other woman somewhere in the country and we don’t talk.
He wasn’t a terrible father, it’s just that I’m the bad daughter. I didn’t reach out to him. I never thought about him. I forgot about him.
Perhaps that’s why I was still scared of things I couldn’t see.
-
In my room, there was a woman in a white dress standing in front of my poster of Emmah. She was staring at it with one hand on it. She wore the same stunning dress as the one in the poster. This woman was blonde however and looked nothing like her. I couldn’t recognize her.
The woman’s head turned at me.
“Life is beautiful, really, it is,” She said in an almost angelic voice. It was soothing and peaceful. Motherly. Her body was slightly transparent and a rainbow of hues surrounded her like an aura.
“Life is great,” She continued.
“Without it, you’ll be dead,” I finished for her.
“Life is beautiful, really, it is. Filled with beauty and illusions,” The woman walked up to me and hugged me.
I walked up the stairs and entered my room.
Inside there was a woman in a white dress, the same as the poster. Her blonde hair was perfectly straight. Her hands were clasped together. She was waiting for me.
“Life is beautiful, really, it is,” She said in an Angelic voice. “Life is great,”
“Without it, you’ll be dead,” I finished for her.
“Life is beautiful, really, it is. Filled with beauty and illusions,” The woman walked up to me and hugged me.
Again.
I walked into my room again.
The woman in white was waiting for me with her hands clasped together. Her smile was gentle. Her eyes were white. She wore the dress I spent months searching for.
“Life is beautiful, really, it is,” She said as an angel. “Life is great,”
“Without it, you’ll be dead,” I finished for her.
“Life is beautiful, really, it is. Filled with beauty and illusions,” The woman walked up to me and hugged me.
Once more.
The woman''s irises were white. I could see through her body. Her smile reminded me of my mother’s. The aura around her was now golden. She loved me, and I loved her.
“Life is beautiful,” I said. “Really, it is. Filled with beauty and illusions. Life is great. Without it, you’d be dead.”
The woman closed her eyes and nodded.
She hugged me.
Everything became dark.
The ocean’s waves sang back and forth.
“Is everything alright?” A child’s voice asked me. I recognized it. It was mine.
“You wouldn’t like the person we become.”
“Why not?”
“I’m ugly.”
“I don’t think so.”
“I promise.”
“What do you promise?”
“That one day I’ll be somebody you’ll be proud of.”
“But you’re somebody now. I’m already proud.”
-
I woke up and got off the floor. I was sober now.
I sat on my bed.
There was never a woman inside my room.
She wasn’t real.
The handprint on the poster was.