Everything was a mess.
I lost sight of who I was. Who I am.
The love and peace that I found within myself were gone and faded away with the drugs that helped me achieve it. Like it wasn’t real.
I took a day and did more LSD thinking I would find that peace again. It wasn’t the same. It didn’t feel the same. The doors that it opened weren’t the ones I wanted. Instead, all I got was the reality that I carved for myself.
I had to face the cruel and selfish person I hid away again but didn’t have the threads to hold me together.
If only I could meet the woman in white again, then everything would be better. She could tell me that I’ll be okay.
All I had to do was wait.
-
I threw a party at my house, the only one I did for the entire summer. The entire school was waiting for me to throw one. My parents were out of the country for the summer and everyone expected me to throw constant ragers because of it.
I don’t remember much of it.
Emily, Sara, and I were in my parent’s room to have a break away from my party. Sara was doing lines while Emily smoked weed. I lay on the bed, rolling off ecstasy.
Emily had heavy bags under her eyes and did a poor job of masking them. “I’m glad you aren’t fighting with Cody anymore. He hasn’t been himself,” she coughed.
“He didn’t tell you?”
“I was kind of hoping you would.”
“Oh it was nothing,” I laughed. “Everything worked out.”
Cody insisted that he didn’t care that I slept with Andrew. It kept bothering me. No guy in the world would be okay with that. But no, he stayed like nothing happened. He never brought it up again and we kept hanging out like I never did.
He forgave me.
So why couldn’t I forgive myself?
“Do you want a line,” Sara offered.
“Okay,” I smiled, sitting up.
“I thought you weren’t ever going to be like us,” Emily said. There she went again, being passive-aggressive. “What changed?”
“Sorry to disappoint.”
“No…just, real for once.”
“What is?”
Sara’s phone dings. She frowns at the sight of the message.
“Who is it?”
“Lucas.”This book''s true home is on another platform. Check it out there for the real experience.
“You’re not going to go, are you?”
Sara sighed, getting ready to leave. “I don’t have a choice until he tells everyone about us.”
“Why don’t you do it?” I asked her.
I put Sara in her predicament. Even after I learned that she didn’t have to, I still didn’t tell her. I had no reason not to. I let it continue because I wanted to see the look on Amanda’s face when she found out her brother was fucking her biggest enemy in secret. That’s the type of person I was deep inside. My selfish desires outweighed any friendship I had with Sara.
“It’ll hurt Amanda more when she finds out herself.”
“That’s such a stupid reason, Sara,” Emily told her. “Stop torturing yourself.”
“I won’t be long,” Sara smiled, but I saw right through it. No part of her smile was genuine.
“She’s so stupid,” Emily complained to me once Sara shut the door behind her.
“Let her have her revenge.”
“At the cost of her sanity? Don’t encourage her.”
“Why haven’t you gotten revenge on Cody?”
“What are you talking about?”
“You hate that we’re together, don’t you? You love him, but all he does is hurt you. Don’t you hate me?”
Emily grabbed the coke plate off the bed and snorted a line. “I’m not going to stop being your friend over it. I’m fine with where things are at.”
She said that, but I never believed her. I couldn’t. Not after how she acts around him when she knows I’m looking. She was doing the same things that night. Emily would get closer to Cody and always have her hands on him. She made sure his attention was only on her. She’d glance at me just to make sure I was looking.
Emily kept doing it after we went downstairs and joined the rest of the crowd.
It was like she was saying, “He will never be fully yours.”
-
Jana Kramer pulled me aside before my jealousy convinced me that Cody would pick Emily over me again.
“I’ve been looking for you.”
“Jana Kramer, hi. What’s up?”
“It’s just you haven’t been yourself lately. You barely talk to us anymore, I’m worried.”
“I didn’t know I have to keep in touch 24/7” I smiled at her, unsure if it was real or not. I didn’t have a mirror so I could tell.
Jana Kramer smacked her lips into a frown. “That’s not what I mean. I just missed you. We haven’t hung out in a while.”
“Sorry. Things have been chaotic lately.”
She laughed, “It’s not all chaos. We’re still kids, who knows what can happen.”
I forgot I was only 17. My birthday was just three months away. We were so young, but I felt so much older than I was. I acted older than I was.
I didn’t have to. I didn’t have to do anything.
Then again, this party was just for the bullshit, just a way to pass the time.
“Guess who messaged me the other day? Megan.”
“What does she want?”
“She wants to be our friend again. She said she doesn’t want any bad blood when school starts.”
“What? Can’t she handle everyone seeing the snake that she is?”
“I guess not She said that she’s sorry. She sounded sincere to me.”
I scoffed, “If she’s really sorry then she can apologize to my face.”
“I’ll let her know.”
“I was kidding.”
“My parents are taking my brother for a church thing for the weekend. Should I throw a party?” Jana Kramer switched subjects.
“You? The church girl? Do you even have it in you?”
“I think it’ll be cool. I’m tired of people thinking I’m a prude.”
“Since when did you care what others think?”
“I care what you do.”
-
Megan stood in front of my house the following morning. I made her wait thinking I wasn’t going to answer before I opened the door.
She apologized like how Jana Kramer said she wanted to. Megan only talked about herself and how hard it’s been for her through the summer. She was sorry that she didn’t value our friendship more. She was sorry for everything she did. Megan even brought the tears out.
I accepted.
And just like that, the band was back together.
I didn’t do it because I missed her or because I forgave her. I did it as part of my revenge. What better way to enjoy the flavor if not from within? I could make Megan feel safe and secure and then pull out the rug under her.
Andrew pulled through at some point and made Megan cheat on Connor. His eyes were now set on Amanda. All the ammo I needed was falling into my lap. I wanted to personally be there when they found out what Andrew and Sara had been doing.
That’s what they get for being in the tall grass.