I sit down in my next class, feeling frustrated and exhausted.


    It''s just been a bad day.


    Between sensory issues and forgetting my phone at home and losing my math notebook (with my notes and homework in it!) and bumping into stuff and just a general bad mood - It''s not a good time.


    I tug on the straps of my backpack like I usually do, but I notice the edges of the traps are hurting my hands a bit because of the rough texture and how tight I''m gripping them.


    Crap... too much happening... but- no- I don''t wanna accidentally SIB


    (* Self Injurious Behaviour: autistic people stim, often in accordance to their feelings, so negative emotions often lead to intense stimming that may be harmful. Think like "tearing out hair" or "scratching into arms", or in Kai''s case, hitting her head on a table. More often than not, Autistic people don''t want to do these things to themselves but it''s like an urge you can''t avoid)


    I need to calm down....


    On impulse, I grab the small Squishable hanging off my backpack. It''s an orange and yellow icecream cup but the cup has a cow''s face. Sam gave me it recently because she got a new backpack decoration and thought it''d be funny to give me it (to be ironic~)


    I haven''t played with anything like this in years but here I go!


    As I silently squish the calm-faced animal, I feel all my energy focus onto that object.


    In seconds, the mental chaos and static and fizzing has been rounded up and kept in one place.This novel''s true home is a different platform. Support the author by finding it there.


    Then it evaporates.


    Holy sh!t... that worked???


    I continue to rub my finger over the soft fabric, and a wave of relief washes over me like the feeling of easing into a hot tub.


    As soon as I realize this, my first instinct is to throw this thing into the garbage...


    Then my next thought reprimands myself for even considering harming this little half-icecream half-cow squishable. (it''s so cute!)


    But it''s a plushie...


    Well... so what if things like this calm me? It calms me and it''s not hurting anyone. I don''t care...


    Why did I stop carrying stuff like this?


    When I was little I always had a small hand-sized plushie or a fidget toy with me...


    ... Oh ...I remember now.


    I was 11.


    Mom took me to someone else''s party at a bowling alley. I had a small Squishable in my hand but I noticed nobody else had anything like that.


    I felt embarrassed like I was being immature. If they don''t need it, I don''t either.


    The next day, I abruptly stopped carrying anything with me and within a week, my parents noticed this. They praised me for not needing "security items" anymore and I took it to mean I was right to think it was a sign of immaturity.


    After that, I gave away every single small squishable, fidget toy, and plushie I owned to anyone I could. I felt angry at myself. It felt like I had been kicked in the heart. (I realize now the kicked feeling is because of separating from those things too harshly)


    I remember that for a while, I''ve silently looked down on Bella because she carries around most the stuff I gave her- and still does to this day.


    Mom and Dad have never told her not to have those things with her, and even praised Bella for having a quick easy way to calm herself. (That conversation happened way more recently than me separating from my stuff so I doubt it was favoritism... not that I care)


    Sigh... yeah... I need this


    WHAT- no you don''t- cave people lived for thousands of years without it so you can too!


    But I really do feel a lot better!


    Then go be a circus clown and bring me some popcorn because you''re being silly!!


    >> Kai carries her thing to study hall and her friend Makayla (surprisingly) instantly likes the thingie and Kai is shocked, and starts to feel less shame around it <<


    I... guess... it''s not THAT weird then...


    uh! It''s not like that makes me happy or anything