Chapter 12


    Amber


    Jake’s confession catches me off guard. There were a few moments last night when I thought he might be attracted to me, but with all the mixed signals he’s been giving, I really wasn’t sure.


    ‘So, you like me too?’ I ask, just to confirm I heard him right.


    ‘Yes.’


    ‘I wasn’t sure whether you were even attracted to me.’


    Jake arches his eyebrows at me. He purposefully drags his gaze towards his crotch, drawing my attention to the obvious bulge in his sweats.


    ‘Oh…’ I respond, instantly flushed.


    ‘You are a rare woman, Amber Scott,’ Jake chuckles, sending me an incredulous look. ‘You just casually told me that you like me and that I turn you on, while you doubted whether or not I was even attracted to you?’


    ‘Turn me on? I–Oh!’ My eyes widen as I ponder his words for a moment. I hadn’t really thought to interpret my feelings that way. Yes, that makes complete sense actually. Jake is very handsome, and he definitely turns me on. But I don’t think that being turned on by him is all there is to it, though. I really like being in his presence, even without the sexual feelings. Jake is kind, he’s funny, and he is so… alive!


    ‘You may be the most fearless person I know,’ Jake says, shaking his head slightly in awe.


    ‘Not at all, I''m actually terrified of many things,’ I inform him honestly.


    ‘Sharing how you feel and being open about what you want are apparently not among them.’


    ‘I guess not,’ I reply absent-mindedly.


    The thought that Jake might actually like me hadn’t even crossed my mind. Despite his mixed signals, I already know he’s not open to a romantic relationship with anyone. That’s why I was so honest about my desires just now—I was counting on his general interest in sleeping with women to maybe spark his interest. I thought letting him know I’d be a willing partner might encourage him to explore some things with me. Isn’t that what modern women do these days too, just like men? Go after what they want without strings attached? I want to be bold and try all the things I’ve secretly read about, but preferably with someone who stirs up the kind of feelings Jake does, and not just with some stranger.


    ‘You like me,’ I repeat again, thoughtfully.


    Jake shifts uncomfortably and crosses his arms again. ‘That doesn’t change anything, though,’ he says gently. ‘I''m not looking for anything serious.’


    ‘Yes, I heard you,’ I say with a nod.


    I do hear him. And I can’t deny that part of me feels disappointed. It would have been nice to actually date Jake, to see if there could be something deeper between us than just physical attraction. But I already knew, before coming here, that he would never want me as his girlfriend. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, though, does it?


    ‘I didn’t move away from my parents to find a husband or even to get a boyfriend,’ I tell Jake honestly. ‘I left to get out from under their thumb and actually live. I’ve already told you there’s never been much room in my life for me to explore what I want. I honestly can’t even say if I want a boyfriend or not. What I do know is that I want to see what life’s like when I get to choose my own experiences. And, if I’m being honest, I’d really like some of those experiences to be with you.’


    ‘Are you really sure about that, though?’ Jake still seems hesitant.


    ‘Yes, I am. You’re kind, and I find you very attractive. And if yesterday taught us anything, it’s that I’m really not the type to hook up with a random person at a bar,’ I chuckle.


    ‘I suppose not,’ Jake replies with a small chuckle, though he still seems unsure.


    ‘I''m not looking for any commitment. I know better than to seek that from you,’ I promise him with a crooked smile. I feel the urge to look away, but I force myself to meet Jake’s gaze. ‘I''m just looking for something new. Something… unsheltered.’


    Jake is quiet for a long time, but he keeps holding my gaze. Eventually he lets out a deep sigh.


    ‘I don’t want you to end up regretting anything,’ he confesses mildly.


    ‘I won’t,’ I assure him quickly. ‘But even if I did, that would be on me and not on you. It would still be an experience I chose to gain. And if I end up realizing I would like to have a boyfriend or a husband in the future, then at least I’ll know it’s truly what I want—not just an expectation pushed onto me by my parents or our church.’Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.


    Jake carefully examines my face, as if he’s trying to determine whether or not I''m speaking the truth. Then he slowly pushes himself away from his kitchenette and crosses the short distance between us.


    ‘Come here,’ he says softly, reaching for me.


    I take his hand nervously and let him pull me to my feet. Standing close, I realize just how much taller he is, a full head above me. Jake intertwines the fingers of his left hand with mine, while his right hand gently brushes my hair behind my ear. My heartbeat quickens as his hand moves to cup my face, lifting my chin towards him. Then he leans in, pressing his lips purposefully to mine.


    His lips are warm and soft, contrasting with the roughness of his stubble. He nibbles gently on my bottom lip, inviting me to let him in. My lips instinctively part, and his tongue sweeps over them, coaxing mine to meet his. Shyly, I place my free hand on the waistband of his sweats, and together we explore each other, unhurried and gentle. When he finally pulls back, a small whimper escapes me.


    ‘There. We can cross at least one thing off your list tonight,’ Jake smiles.


    I briefly touch my bottom lip as I smile back at him widely. I just had my first real kiss! Not counting the stiff peck on the lips I got from Jacob Green on the last day of church camp at age fourteen, which lasted all but two seconds. And after this kiss with Jake, I definitely know that one doesn’t count.


    ‘Thank you,’ I manage to breathe out.


    Jake’s chuckle brings a fresh blush to my cheeks. ‘You’re very welcome, Poppins,’ he says with a grin. He briefly squeezes my hand before making a funny face and glancing at me apologetically. ‘I’m sorry, I know this is kind of awkward, but…’ he hesitates, glancing towards the door.


    ‘Oh… oh! No, not at all,’ I say quickly. I give Jake a reassuring smile. ‘You have an early morning. Me too, actually. I have to drive the kids to school.’


    ‘Alright, then,’ Jake says, relieved.


    I start heading towards his door and want to let go of his hand, but Jake actually walks me out and doesn’t pull his hand back until I''m in the doorway. I pull my jacket closer around me as I step outside. It’s fully dark now and the air has become chilly. Jake glances over my head and frowns.


    ‘Do you want me to walk you back to your place?’


    ‘No, I’ll be fine. It’s not that far,’ I say. I can see the main house from here. Besides, Jake is not even wearing any socks.


    ‘Are you sure?’


    ‘I’m sure,’ I nod convincingly. Walking me home sounds like a boyfriend-thing and I don''t want Jake to think I''m not clear about his intentions.


    ‘Hey…?’ Before I can turn around and walk away, Jake reaches for my hand again. ‘I may be gone for a day or two. We’re going far out tomorrow and we don’t know how long the repairs are going to take. But let’s get together sometime when I''m back, yeah?’


    ‘I’d like that,’ I smile at him. ‘Goodnight, Jake.’


    ‘Night, Poppins.’


    Apparently there was a lot more damage around the farthest pastures of the ranch than they’d accounted for. I overhear Ray talking on the phone about it with one of the men on Jake’s crew. They even have to send an extra person after them for a supply run, because Jake and his coworkers need to stay out there longer than expected. They don’t return until Thursday, early in the afternoon.


    I’ve had a peaceful Thursday morning, with just Olivia to care for. Fiona and the twins are at school, and Marjorie has taken Violet to visit the preschool she’ll attend once she turns four in December. They’re making a few visits together, so Violet can get familiar with her teacher and the other children before she starts going on her own. Olivia clearly enjoys having my undivided attention. I spend most of the morning building colorful block towers, which Olivia gleefully knocks down with squeals of delight. Afterwards, I let her help me prepare lunch for both of us and Ray.


    After we’re finished eating, Ray heads to his office and I put Olivia down for her nap. With no children to watch over, I decide I might as well make myself useful. Marjorie and Ray have made it clear that they don’t expect me to do any of their housework. I’m the nanny, not their housekeeper. But I don’t mind lending a hand every now and then.


    I noticed the laundry Marjorie started before leaving with Violet was finished, so I grab an empty basket and take the wet clothes out of the machine. It’s dry and windy today, so I decide to take a chance and hang everything on the outdoor line instead of inside on the drying rack. The repetitive task of hanging the clothes is oddly soothing, and I start humming a tune that’s been stuck in my head all morning.


    Once I finish, I bring the empty basket back into the laundry room. I briefly consider starting another load because, with five kids in the house, the laundry is never truly done. But I’m not sure if the clothes will dry in time. If it rains later, I might have to move the clothes I just hung outside to the drying rack, and there won’t be room for more. I could use the dryer for the second load, but I prefer air-dried clothes. The dryer tends to leave them with a faint musty smell. As I weigh my options, the door to the laundry room suddenly opens.


    ‘Hi, Poppins!’ Jake sneaks in and closes the door behind him.


    ‘Jake!’ I exclaim in surprise. ‘I didn’t know you were back!’


    Jake places his hands on either side of my waist and pulls me towards him. Before I can even process what’s happening, his lips are pressed firmly against mine. I quickly shake off the surprise and place my hands on his shoulders, meeting his kiss with equal eagerness.


    ‘We just rode in,’ Jake informs me, after he''s let me go. ‘I was on my way to update Ray when I saw you walk inside here, so I figured I’d say a quick hello.’


    ‘Hello,’ I smile brightly. I''m actually a tad surprised about Jake''s thoughtfulness, but I can’t say I mind it. On the contrary!


    ‘Alright, I’m going to fill Ray in about the repairs,’ Jake tells me, ‘and then I’m going to take a fucking shower, because I haven’t seen as much as a fucking washcloth in four days.’


    ‘I can tell,’ I giggle. Jake is covered in dirt and smells like a combination of manly sweat, mud and horses. He has a four-day stubble, and he looks dog tired. And yet, he’s still the sexiest man I have ever seen.


    ‘Afraid of a little dirt, spoiled city girl?’ Jake teases, but then he turns serious again. ‘Hey, what’s your schedule like?’


    ‘I generally work Mondays through Fridays, and I have the weekends off. Unless Marjorie and Ray ask me to work during the weekend, then I get two other days off in compensation,’ I answer him.


    ‘Okay, I’m actually on duty this weekend, but do you want to get together tomorrow night?’ he asks me.


    ‘Yes, that sounds nice,’ I say with a big smile.


    ‘Alright, I’ll pick you up at eight at your place, then. Yeah?’


    ‘Sounds good!’


    Jake gives me another quick kiss, before he leaves the laundry room and heads towards Ray’s office at a brisk pace. For the rest of the day, I can’t get the excited smile off my face.