The largest building in Darkwood is the church. It’s hypocritical. Every Sunday it’s packed full for Service yet everyone turns a blind eye to all the sin that happens in the town. I used to come here all the time with my parents. My mom still does.
I stopped seeing the appeal.
But this is where people turn to when all else is lost. They come here to pray to a God they may or may not believe in. It either helps or it doesn’t.
The doors aren’t locked and I’m able to have a roof to shield me from the pouring rain. The cathedral is bigger on the inside and not much had changed since I last been there. My fingers brush the waxed wood of the seats while I walk down the aisle. I was leaving a trail of water behind thanks to my soaked clothes.
I walk down the frontmost row.
I clasp my hands together and kneel.
And I prayed.
I prayed to God; any God.
I was scared.
I was scared.
I was just so fucking scared.
I couldn’t even pray right. No thought was complete. I couldn’t settle on one.
I just wanted it to be over.
I didn’t want to be scared anymore.
“Ellie?” Jana Kramer’s warm voice accompanied her gentle touch on my shoulder. “What are you doing here?”
“Jana…”
“I never thought I would see you here,” Jane was smiling like the great friend she was. She was truly the best of friends and I let her down. “I’m glad you''re here.”
“I’m not,” I forced a laugh. “I’m just here to uh. I’m here to uh...I don’t know why I’m here.”
Jana Kramer kneeled in front of me, wiping my tears with a handkerchief. “It’s alright. You don’t have to tell me. You can cry to me again.”
“Why are you here?” I asked.
“I’m getting ready to lock up. It’s getting late.”
“Is it alright if I stay here for a while?”
“Of course,” she nodded.
“Why are you so nice to me?” I asked her while she continued to wipe away my tears.
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
“I’m not nice to you.”
Jana Kramer looked down confused then back up. “You’re nice to me.”
“I’m not. I’m not. I’ve been taking you for granted. I haven’t been a good friend to you. I haven’t been checking up on you.”
She shrugged. “That’s okay. You’re struggling right now. My needs aren’t more important at the moment.”
“Even if I don’t tell you what’s going on?”
“Nothing changes if you do. I’m happy enough that I’m someone you rely on.”
“I broke up with Cody. I cheated on him with Andrew. I convinced Sara to do something against her will. I keep getting high just to escape. Did you not hear what I did to that girl at your party? How can you still be friends with me? I’m not the person you think I am.”
“You’re exactly the person I see. I…”
“I’m sick…I’m ugly…I deserve it. I’m a blue flower, more like morning glory.”Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on the original website.
“You don’t deserve what you’re going through, Ellie. It’s not your fault, it wasn’t a lesson, and it was never meant to happen. It’s not your fault this world is cruel. You were only doing your best. And it’s going to be okay…It’s okay…”
She held me.
I couldn’t hold back my tears anymore.
“I’m glad you’re not pretending you’re doing well anymore. You were putting on a brave face every day but I think you knew deep down that you’re not. I think every time you put your head down on a pillow you think about everything you did, you didn’t do, and should have done. I think you hate yourself…”
I nodded, frantically, now in her arms.
Jana was soaked because of my clothes and hair. She became drenched with my tears. She didn’t mind. She didn’t care. I was allowed to cry.
“I think that you hate yourself for what you are and are not. You want to be anybody else and no one at all. You don’t know how to be happy. You’re trying to find it in what’s hurting you. You have to stop it, you do. You have to be honest with yourself and everyone around you. You have to tell them you’re struggling because you are. You’re struggling. I wish…I wish I can make it easier for you, but I can’t. I don’t think I can. But I want to try. I want to be there for you…”
I looked up and met her eyes and I think I was able to see her for the first time. Jana Kramer never fit in with my friend group. She didn’t like the stuff we were doing. She didn’t have to join us, but she did because I asked. Everything she did it all just for me. She was there because I was there.
It took me far too long to understand what she was saying in between her words. It was always right in front of me. I saw that now. I saw it in the shimmer of her eyes.
I saw it in her warm smile.
A smile I always felt safe in. I smile that never judged me. I smile that always welcomed me. A smile I could always return to.
Jana snuggled me deeper into her arms.
I thought this wailing ache would be forever.
“It’s okay…shh…I know things have been hard…”
“I’m…I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”
“No…no, don’t apologize. You don’t need to. You’re not a burden, Ellie. You never are.”
“I am! I am!”
“Shh…shh.. It’s okay. You’re not a bother and you’ll never be. Shh…shh…just cry in my arms. No, no, no, no, It’s okay, I’m here, you’ll be okay. I know you just want things to hurry up so it’ll get better. You think you have to go through it alone, but you don’t. I’ll always be here.”
She held my hand, taking a seat next to me as I took mine.
“Thanks, Jana,” I snorted, drying the last of my tears. I was able to smile.
“Can you call me by my real name? I don’t like being Jana anymore.”
“Why not?”
“I want to hear you say my name…”
“Okay,” I nodded. “Freyja…”
The girl formally known as Jana smiled widely, looking down and away to hide herself from blushing.
“I…I got to finish locking up. I’ll be back,” Frejya excused herself.
She came back when she was ready, holding up an umbrella. “I’ll walk you home.”
I stuck close to her as the umbrella barely could fit us both under it. I helped her hold it up, my fingers brushing against hers.
“A blue flower, more like morning glory. What does that mean?”
“Oh, it’s nothing. It’s just a silly phrase.”
“I’m glad you’re feeling better now.”
“It’s all thanks to you,” I smiled.
“We’re here…”
“What? Already? That was fast.”
“Time flies by when I’m with you,” Freyja nervously laughed.
“I guess I like being around you too,” We stopped in front of my front door where the rain could no longer fall. “Do you want to come inside? We don’t have to end the night here.”
“Thanks, but my parents expect me to be home soon. Maybe some other night. Goodnight!”
She took a few steps out on the lawn. She didn’t want to leave either.
“Freyja!” I stopped her from going too far. I endure a second of the hard rain to get under her umbrella again. “I don’t deserve you.”
“Don’t think like that. You know it isn’t true.”
“That’s not what I mean. I wasn’t paying attention. I was ignoring it, but I think I get it now. I’ve been hurting you for a long time, haven’t I?”
“You don’t hurt me, Ellie.”
“But I do. I did. Tell me what you always wanted to say to me.”
“What?” Freyja jerked back.
“I was so fucking stupid, Fey. How could you put up with me?”
“It…It’s not hard. There’s nothing to-”
“I think I’m falling in love with you…”
“What?!” Freyja dropped the umbrella.
“I think I never let myself, but I always knew. You’re the only one who gets me.”
Freyja’s lips quivered up and down. I couldn’t tell if it was raindrops or tears that were falling on her skin.
“Say it…”
“I fell in love with you…I’ve always loved you…”
My lips melted into hers.
They’re soft.
They’re buttery.
They had a hint of strawberry.
They were home.
“Stay with me…” I pleaded.
Out of everyone I destroyed, Freyja Elledge was the worst.
She was the only positive thing left.
And it was almost enough.
Freyja was almost enough.
If only she would have stayed…
Nobody saw me again until three days later, on August 29th, 2012. The day of my suicide.