I cried pretty terribly for a good five minutes or so. In this entire time, Anri didn''t say a single word... and she probably didn''t even look my way.


    Being left aside this way while crying feels oddly comforting, for some reason.


    Not a single question... not a single explanation needed, and not a single ounce of prying into what''s my problem.


    "Be honest with yourself"


    Her words reached a bit too deep for this one time.


    I''ve been trying pretty hard, you know? Playing the strong girl, being the one to always joke around, to always be upbeat...


    Of course, it''s nothing that weighs on me too heavily, you know. Even so, it still does tire me out.


    And, where Sayumi used to be for me, when i fall into this state of stalling....


    There''s no one that can fill that gap that i need. I know im being unfair, im being dependant, and im being unhealthy.


    I''ve always known. But it feels like i''ve been paralyzed.


    None of these feelings came out anymore. No matter what memory popped up in my head... no matter what song, what line of lyrics i read... or what image i could see.


    I couldn''t bring myself to cry by myself, and just face my feelings head on.


    But today... i think i feel like doing so, even it''s just a little bit.


    She gave me the space i might have needed, so i can at least try.


    —I could give you the full story, but i don''t feel like it. I''ll leave some things out.


    —Do as you wish. I''ll listen so long as it''s fine with you.


    I genuinely appreciate how considerate she''s being to me. I think i can do this...


    —I met Sayumi when we were 1st years. I was pretty shy back then, because i was scared of this town, and this school.


    —Out of all people, i can''t imagine you being on the shy side. That''s a weird image in my head. —Anri chuckled.


    —Well, love can change people, as they say.


    Anri seemed to pay no attention to my remark and stood silently waiting for me to continue.


    —With how shy i was, and how kind she was towards me, i fell in love with her pretty quickly. I didn''t say anything until our 2nd year, and we started dating. —I spoke trying my best to keep my voice steady in tone and volume.


    I took a bit of a deep breath, and noticed Anri didn''t say anything at all.


    —Im used to people judging this part when i say it. This is a bit weird. —i told Anri, knowing damn well she wouldn''t be the type to find anything i do at this point weird. I was just joking with her.


    —Is it really that terrible to just fall in love? There is no reason for me to judge people on being happy to love who they love. Besides, i could tell.


    —Could you? —i answered mockingly.


    —Yes. I somehow just felt like you were the same as me.


    Oh, that''s a statement to make out of nowhere, miss Anri. Well, whatever. I''ll just keep going, before it turns a bit more awkward...


    —We didn''t really have a bad relationship, but... i was incredibly dependant on her, emotionally. I was, and im probably still pretty weak emotionally. So it took just about nothing for me to break, and i''d have to lean on her for everything.


    —Then, what happened exactly? —Anri gazed at me intensely.


    I took a bit of a pause, hesitant about if i wanted to truly explain this or just gloss it over without going into detail.


    I usually would just skip it, but...


    Something about this whole situation and this girl, makes me not want to lie.


    We just met. It''s a bit stupid of me to really vent, and open up to her this way.This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.


    But, i can''t lie to my own heart. She could bring these feelings out of me, and even i wasn''t able to.


    So, i''ll give her what she wants.


    —Sayumi was going to move to Tokyo, on a scolarship. And before doing so, she broke up with me. Told me she couldn''t handle the weight of two people at the same time. That i was being annoying, and that i didn''t let her breathe at all. The last thing she told me, was "stop making a mess of my life, and leave me alone".


    Anri took this sequence of events in silence, and seemed to be thinking quite deeply about it.


    —After that... i promised to myself that i''d change, waiting for her. I changed my hairstyle... the way i speak... i even started paying more attention to how i dress up, and more things. I started being more upbeat at school, talking more to my classmates... None of them even knew me and Sayumi broke up, because she left the other day, and the way that i behaved seemed like nothing had happened at all.


    We sat in silence after i finished telling my not-so-long story.


    —Is this the first time you tell this, to some degree? —Anri asked, looking at me.


    I nodded, and she gazed into the ocean once more.


    —You''re messed up for doing that to yourself, you know? —she said, sounding a bit dissapointed.


    —I know... —i exclaimed, defeated.


    —No, you don''t. But, it''s whatever. Come here. —Anri placed both her hands in my cheeks, and pushed my face closer towards hers.


    —Regardless of what happened, and if what Nishida-senpai did is right or wrong, from now on, you''re going to voice out your feelings when you feel like this.


    I looked away, trying not to give a clear answer because i didn''t want to think about doing this again, but instead of insisting, she let go of my face, and stood up.


    —Maybe im not the person that you can truly open up to, but i don''t want you to keep your feelings bottled up like that again. It''s very hurtful to you, and i get worried seeing how damaging you can be to yourself.


    I just stood there, paralyzed by her concern.


    A few seconds... no, minutes? had passed.


    I wanted to yell out to her "wait", but the words didn''t truly come out.


    Before i knew it, i turned around to look for her with my eyes, just to see Yuuko wave to Anri with a smile i had truly never seen on her face.


    I didn''t get to see Anri''s expression at all... and she didn''t even say "goodbye", or anything of the sort. She just left.


    Maybe she was just being considerate with my feelings, and leaving me space to think for myself.


    But if that''s the case... why did i want her to stay for a little bit longer?


    "Is it too much to speak so honest with you?"


    I wanted to ask her from the start, but i didn''t.


    And i might end up regretting it. I knew it. I was supposed to tell her the story properly.


    When i turned around, all i could see was her walking away in the distance, with Yuuko.


    They were both hand in hand with each other, and even with my near-sightedness i could see how much Yuuko was truly shining.


    A Yuuko i had never truly seen before, and a side of Anri that i could barely even grasp.


    I wanted to know more, but at the same time... the mere thought of wanting to know the truth about these two disconnected, yet intertwined things made my chest ache a little bit.


    After a depressingly uneventful and gray walk to the train station, and a train ride home, all i could do was lay in my bed, constantly asking myself questions about what i knew i didn''t want answered.


    I remembered Sayumi, and how i had promised to myself that i''d "wait for her".


    I also remembered, how the last time that i saw her on social media, she was graduating early, and how they held a big celebration for her.


    I used to spend so much time daydreaming i was with you.


    After all, i still don''t really hate you. I constantly ask myself if i do, and i can never give a clear answer to you in my head.


    I don''t miss being your lover. I don''t miss being with you, and i feel like even if you walked into my door right now, i wouldn''t be able to love you back.


    Maybe it''s your presence, and the lack of a clear answer the only thing that i miss in my life.


    Feeling like im able to truly be myself around someone. Doubting myself, and being troubled over and over again, just for someone to truly drag that out of me, and give me a small push in the back to take that step forward, and face my feelings.


    "Maybe im not the person that you can truly open up to, but i don''t want you to keep your feelings bottled up like that again. It''s very hurtful to you, and i get worried seeing how damaging you can be to yourself."


    I thought about her words, and how she seemed a bit distant while saying them.


    The genuine concern in her voice.


    The way she hid her expression from me and left briefly after saying those words.


    I don''t know what it is about Anri. But she ends up dragging my feelings the same way Sayumi did.


    No, not even. She''s even more upfront about it. And i can''t say "no" to her at all.


    I feel like it''s alright to tell her everything, but...


    The image of her and Yuuko, holding hands and walking off into the distance popped up into my head.


    I sighed.


    Im not sure if i can truly give my feelings right now a name, or some sort of definition.


    I managed to swallow the ugly feeling dwelling up in my chest, and i moved on with my day as usual, hoping i could keep it this way for a little bit longer.


    After that day, neither Anri or Yuuko spent a lot of time with me.


    We didn''t walk together to school... we didn''t spend lunch break together, and Yuuko seemed pretty distant, and didn''t speak very much with me in class.


    I was starting to get fed up with this. Not because they''re both my friends, but because i can''t stand being left out at all. Im just being selfish, but i''d like for them to be upfront about it.


    And maybe, i can kill the small feelings that are slowly building up inside me quickly this way.


    I was waiting by the entrance after the last bell of the day rang, and i was waiting for Yuuko, knowing well she was on her way out.


    About two minutes passed, and i could see her face widen in shock at seeing me wait for her instead of dashing out home.


    —Hey. Mind if i borrow you for a little bit? —i calmly asked her.


    —Suit yourself. —Yuuko gave a pretty cold and distant answer.


    Maybe im also a bit more distant with her than i should be, but whatever. I just want answers, for now.


    I could have done things a bit more smooth, and i could have waited for a right moment, but... i just want to know.


    —How long have you and Anri been dating? —i just blurted it out.


    Yuuko seemed to be slightly annoyed at my question, but she answered.


    —A month. —she answered, uninterested.


    —That''s why she was at your home the other time, then?


    She nodded.


    —We were hanging out before i remembered to call you. Truth is, i was jealous that she was with you and i wanted to tell you right there, but i couldn''t. —Yuuko couldn''t look at me while she spoke this.


    —I didn''t think of you as the jealous type. Specially to a girl that your girlfriend just met.


    She didn''t answer at all. To be fair, i really shouldn''t have commented on it.


    After we got to the train station without saying anything else to each other... i just waved her goodbye trying my best to smile.


    I got in my train, plugged in my earphones, and just played my usual playlist as loud as possible.


    Don''t do it. Don''t look.


    I was telling myself the entire time, but i eventually looked at my reflection in the window.


    And i could see a few tears forming in my eyes already.


    It isn''t just my imagination. My chest hurting back then, when i saw them both wasn''t because of the heavy topic, or from anything else.


    I knew damn well, the reason i couldn''t chase after them, or why i felt down while thinking about it.


    Anri went from being a complete stranger, to being the person i like.


    But i can''t do anything else. Im going to give it up.


    With my tears slowly falling down, again, i whispered to myself.


    "I have to understand that you''re elsewhere"


    I felt like a complete idiot. I shouldn''t decide i like someone in just a few days.


    But if it really isn''t that... then why did my chest ache when i saw her and Yuuko together?


    Im tired. I don''t want to answer any more of these questions.


    The only thing i want, is for the small fire that was lit inside of me ever since we met, to die down as quickly as it appeared.