Jana Kramer knocked on Emily’s front door.
“Who’s Jana Kramer?” Sara asked.
“You know that girl who we all don’t know the name of so we just call her Jana Kramer,” Emily laughed.
I didn’t think anyone remembered Jana Kramer’s real name. The joke name I gave her had taken over her entire identity. I haven’t heard her name in years. I was 12 when I gave her that name and I’m not even sure why I preferred it over her given name.
“What?”
“Don’t worry about it, she’s cool,” I said, getting up to open the door for her.
I didn’t ask why Jana Kramer agreed to come with us to a rave in Seattle. I invited her as a joke and didn’t expect her to be willing. Jana Kramer barely liked going to house parties, a rave was something she would never like. The thought that she came just because I asked never occurred to me.
She joined me inside Emily’s car along with Cody. Andrew took his sister, Chris, and Carlos in his. It’s the first time we’ve gone out since Alyssa’s party. I have only been to another rave once and I didn’t like it. I don’t like the music. I was only going because everyone else was.
Andrew pulled out a bottle of liquor as soon as we all parked. We all took turns taking drinks except for Jana Kramer. Her eyes were in awe watching Andrew be able to drink alcohol as if it were water and not need a chaser afterward.
“Aren’t you driving?” she asked him.
“I’ll be fine by the time we leave.”
“That still isn’t safe.”
“Oh, shut up. Nobody forced you to come.”
“It’ll be alright. It’ll take much more for Andrew to get drunk,” I assure her.
“Yeah, yeah. You want a pill?”
Jana Kramer shook her head.
Andrew pulled out a baggie that had about ten red and blue pills resembling Pokeballs. He handed all of us one each, myself included.
Jana Kramer stared at the pill on my palm and tugged on my sleeve to get my attention. “I thought you didn’t do this stuff?” she whispered. She was worried.
“It’s okay. It’s my first time. It’s not that bad.”
Andrew found out that Sara convinced me to do coke first. He announced it to the group the second he did. He was ecstatic that I was coming out of my shell and invited me to try MDMA next. He found this rave just so I could try it out.
I expected Cody to be disappointed with me. If he was, he didn’t show it. He didn’t talk to me about it. I wanted him too. He knew why I didn’t do drugs. I’ve told him about Matt. My brother is someone I didn’t want to turn into. I thought Cody understood that so he should have reprimanded me. He didn’t care that I wanted to see what an MDMA high felt like.
I told myself that I was only going to try it once, just to see what it was like. I was only going to do coke once. I was only going to do MDMA once. I told myself it would be easier to say no if I could better understand what everyone in Darkwood liked to do. I was around people who didn’t think of me any less if I did.
Andrew looked over at me and grinned. I kept staring at the pill and trying to ignore Jana Kramer’s frown. His eyes didn’t budge away from me as he wanted to witness another of my firsts. Andrew was daring me. He laughed when I put the pill in my mouth and drank it.
No one else paid attention to me.
We pre-gamed in the parking lot for another half hour before heading inside the venue.
As a group, we all went deep center of the crowd where we all slowly split away from each other as the night went on. I stayed with Cody, of course, as he was my boyfriend. I was uncomfortable at first. I didn’t like the music and it was hard to get into it. That changed when the ecstasy pill started to overtake the alcohol in my system.
It wasn’t anything like coke like I thought it would. I didn’t have the burst of energy that it gave me.
It rose in little bursts. The dozen sweaty bodies surrounding us that were bothering me didn’t seem so annoying anymore.
First, the lights got brighter and slightly blurred. I didn’t feel anything at first until a little ball of energy was forming inside my stomach, it had light inside. It started to escape and slowly traveled up and down my bloodstream. It’s a weird thing to describe but that’s how it was. The fabrics in my clothes started to show their presence and the deep bass and synth from the music suddenly seemed to be absorbed by my skin. The air that I thought was suffocating and hot became clear and easy to breathe. I thought this was the beginning of enlightenment. Like I could see all the good in the world and that it was good to me too. It took me a long time to notice that my jaw was subtly getting stiff.
I looked at Cody and gave in to my unrelenting desire to kiss him. Anything we did before, was all fake. There was no emotion behind those kisses. This was real kissing. The feeling I got just by feeling his lips, feeling his tongue was better than the sex we had. I couldn’t image how good it would feel if we fucked now.If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.
I remember my body getting hot and my sweat made me dirty. I was thirsty, thinking I could drink a lake. I wanted to excuse myself to get water but I started to melt. Laying down on a soft bed and covered with warm blankets sounded like the best dream. All the lights, all the soundwaves, all the cosmic energy, all the warmth from the earth just hit me all at once.
I was peaking.
Looking back at all my stupid thoughts and all the foolish ones. Cody said that this city, this town, this state swallows men. He said that we all run into it and eventually run from never to return again. He said that luck and love are one of the same. You remember when you fell in as clear as day. You remember the moment you fell out of touch the same way.
The town we lived in was hushed, holding onto its secrets. The town is breathing and every exhalation created the gray skyscrapers clouds. The city wasn’t any better, breathing a dirty breath, leaving fog through a looking glass where we can etch out dreams only for them to fade away. And while the town grits its teeth, he held me tight like we were dreaming of a better place. There were no straps or belts that kept us in place, just the movement holding me down to earth. I grew to hate my town, I wanted to leave. I was cornered by wildlife, empty roads, and an eternal rain.
Cody said, “Have you ever met such a son of a bitch you hated to love?”
I closed my eyes, wrapping myself tighter into his arms. I once again felt complete.
Everything was going to be okay.
Jana Kramer tapped my shoulder and then handed me a water bottle. “I’m going to find Carlos,” she said but it was hard to hear.
Cody checked his phone a little later and left me alone right after. “I’ll be right back, going to take a piss.”
I go outside when he doesn’t come back after five minutes. Cody doesn’t text back. Nobody does. I don’t know where anyone’s at. I let the drizzle tickle my skin. I’m cooled down.
Around the corner I find Andrew buckling his jeans together. The girl he just finished fucking was adjusting her clothes. She kissed him on the cheek and walked past me to go back inside the rave.
Andrew laughed once he noticed I’d been staring.
Andrew, Andrew, Andrew.
He didn’t care about anything. That’s what I always thought, but he does have someone he cares about. He cares about Sara. But Sara’s gay and Andrew doesn’t know. Would he still care about her if he found out? I''ve seen how he treats our peers who are gay.
Andrew was interesting.
Nobody would act the way he did if he didn’t have something to hide. Something happened to him. I wanted to know what. I’ve gotten hints here and there, like how Andrew chooses to be a criminal despite him being a straight-A student. Nobody is smarter than him in his grade. He has a brilliant mind and the street smarts to find a way to always stay out of trouble.
If I was the incorruptible one, Andrew was who corrupts.
We were complete opposites.
Andrew always laughed because he treated everything as a big fucking joke. It annoyed me more often than not. I laughed with him at that moment because I also found it funny.
I couldn’t help myself as I pulled myself away from his lips.
-
I took Cody up to my room where no guy had ever been inside. He stared at the posters on the walls and the plushies all around. I awaited his comment on how I am a walking stereotype. I’m the definition of ‘basic’. Very little about me is unique. Cody observed every little detail about my room and said, “This is all pretty great.”
I only have one thing in my room that is remotely different than my ex-friends. It’s a poster of my favorite artist, Emmah, during her Madison Square Garden debut where she wore the ever-iconic white dress.
Cody touched the poster with the back of his hand. “Why don’t you ever play the music you like?” he said.
“You guys don’t listen to what I do.”
“We like Emmah too.”
“Her songs aren’t exactly good for social listening.”
“She’s Emily and Sara’s favorite artist. You know she lives near Seattle?”
“Really?!”
Cody nodded. “Yeah, somewhere in Mercer Island. I think she lives with her best friend who’s the daughter of the owner of the record label.”
“How do you know? She’s supposed to be reclusive.” I asked, sitting down on my neatly made bed.
“I can’t remember. I think I read it somewhere.” Cody took his hand off the poster. “How are you feeling? Are you still rolling?”
“I’m doing just fine, Cody.” I giggled, not sure why, but I did.
“Good, good, uh...” Cody paused in front of me. This was a first. He never stopped to think about what to say next. Cody always had something ready whether it be something small like an observation or poetic like the lines he likes to recite. I turned on the speaker in the meantime.
I giggled again, the tingly and sensitive warmth was still in my system from the ecstasy. Cody shyly looked away when I took off my shirt. “You’ve seen me a dozen of times, why are you blushing?”
“This is different.”
“How?”
“You wouldn’t understand.”
But I thought I did. I mean, I think I do. He was now in my room where it’s the most private thing in my life. Here I am completely vulnerable. I lie to myself and say I don’t have to play pretend around my new friends. A mask is still a mask even if it has a different shape.
My room is the only place where a mask doesn’t exist.
It’s why I let very few people in and even those who come in don’t come back often. So yes, Cody was special for being in here.
“Wait a second. Where are you?”
Cody looked back with a small smile. “I’m here.”
“I didn’t say you could come here.”
“Can I come there?”
I nodded. Cody took a second to look at me. I still hadn’t gotten used to his eyes but he wasn’t wearing them that night. I could look at him without getting trapped. In that second he gave me something I didn’t know I wanted, appreciation. “Okay. So you saw the movie. Hotel Chevalier.”
“Of course I watched it, it wasn’t even that long. I’ve watched everything you told me. Besides, didn’t you say it was your favorite film?”
“Yeah. I guess. I just didn’t expect you to.”
“Didn’t I tell you I’m full of surprises?” I laughed.
Cody chuckled, then pushed my forehead so my body would fall on my bed.
I watched him.
It was different.
We weren’t fucking.
No, this was slower, more passionate. Cody paced himself to the slow rhythm of Emmah’s music. He felt me. He felt every single bit of me. He smelled and tasted every single bit of it. I like to feel the tightness of his muscle contractions.
As much as I hate the phrase, this was sex. We were making love.
He still doesn’t cum.