Cody and Emily were waiting for me outside my house in the morning.
“We’re here to check up on you. We’re worried,” Emily swung her arms from side to side.
“You’re getting out of control again. What’s going on with you?” Cody asked. His voice was much more assertive.
“Don’t act like you care now.”
“I’ve always cared. Stop thinking I don’t.”
“You have a good way of showing it,” I sarcastically said.
“We wouldn’t be here if we didn’t,” Emily added. “You’re our friend, Elizabeth. Talk to us.”
A black SUV parked on the side street in front of us before we could continue. Lyle rolled down the window to observe.
“Who’s that?” Emily asked, taking notice.
“Lyle,” Cody answered. I cut in between the two and walked towards my escape. “Ellie, where are you going?”
“Andrew’s drug dealer? What’s he doing here?”
“Ellie, stop!” Cody followed after me.
I rolled my eyes, turning to face him now that my body was half inside the car. “Leave me alone. I got to be somewhere.”
Cody''s eyes narrowed, looking down at me, then at Lyle.
“Howdy!” Lyle smirked.
“How do you know him, Ellie?”
“Hmm, and how do you know me?” Lyle asked right back. “I don’t believe we ever met.”
“That’s my business. Ellie, you need to stay away from him.”
Lyle clicked his tongue against his teeth three times. “Secrets, secrets, secrets. Their not good for anyone.”
I fully sat inside. “And this is my business too, Cody. You can’t tell me what to do. I’m not your fucking toy.”
“Ooh, too bad.”
Cody’s eyebrows raised from anger to sadness. “Don’t go…” he pleaded. “Anything but this…”
-
“How do you feel?” Lyle asked me.
“You’re giving me the Winter today, right?”
“Would you do anything for it?”
“I don’t care anymore. I’m doing this, aren’t I?”
“What if I want your body for it?”
“Then I was wrong about you.”
Lyle laughed. “I knew you were smart.”
“Can we just get it over with?”
“Tell me how you feel first.”
“You got what you wanted, alright? There’s nothing good inside me anymore. Any light there could be disappears after this, yeah? Then you’ll show me? You’ll let me see whatever the fuck I’m meant to see? Just give me the fucking Winter.”
Lyle smirked, pulling a gun out under his seat. “You’re ready,” he said handing it over to me.
It was heavier than I thought.
Not in weight, no I expected that, but of what it meant.
I stared at it for a few seconds. This was power. This is what came next for me. Lyle wanted me to go up to this house he parked at and shoot at the person who answered. That was the consequence of that person for betraying Lyle.
I didn’t want to. Would a sane person want to? Everyone would have refused and left. But I didn’t care. I stopped caring a long time ago. If this is what it meant for me to meet the woman in the white dress, I’ll do it. I proved that to myself when I stepped out of the car.
I walked slowly, keeping the gun behind my back. Lyle gave me clear instructions. They were very simple, all I had to do was to pull the trigger and watch what would happen. I knocked, but there was no answer. I knocked again.
I didn’t even catch a glimpse longer than two seconds because before I knew it, I was walking back to the car. Droplets of blood were running down my cheeks like they were tears. The image replayed in my head when I sat back down in the car.
He answered and I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t even think about it. The bullet went right through his nose, and the guy collapsed. I didn’t even react to it.
I tried to give Lyle back the gun but he pushed my hand away. It sat on my lap the entire trip back home. He didn’t say anything. I only could stare at what was in front of me.
The street I lived on wasn’t mine. The house that I lived on wasn’t mine. It wasn’t home. I didn’t recognize it.
“You keep it. It’s a present of our friendship.” He said.
“Give me the fucking Winter!”
“Give me a couple of days.”
“You promised!”
“I’m not one who doesn’t honor my end of the deal, Elizabeth. It’s not exactly easy to gather enough Winter for a dose. There’s not a lot of it left in the world. Give me a couple of days.”
“You said! How is this supposed to make me strong?!”
“Sit and think about it for a while. You can’t go back. You just have to endure. What you feel now is the the full force of the storm.”
“Why did you make me do this?”
“I didn’t make you do anything.”
“Right, because it’s all me. It’s all my fault. I’m the one who’s selfish, angry and jealous. I decided to cheat on Cody with Andrew. I’m the one not strong enough to not turn out like my brother. You’re right. I am weak. I don’t want to be anymore.”If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.
“You don’t need Winter to become strong. You can do it all by yourself. What you did today is just a taste. I can give you more, the power to control others.”
“I just have to meet the woman in white again.”
“You will.”
-
But I couldn’t wait.
Not after…
Not after…
I didn’t have anyone to turn to. I wasn’t safe with anyone. I couldn’t trust my friends. I couldn’t bare Jana Kramer being sad over me again. I wanted to call my mom, but she would just tell me I was being dramatic.
I called my father for the first time in years.
He didn’t answer.
He changed his phone number.
I met up with my brother in a shelter where he was staying at. We’ve kept in touch, occasionally talking so I could make sure he was doing okay. The good memories of him was all the family I had left. I thought that maybe I could recapture those good moments that I was so fond of. But he wasn’t my brother anymore. He couldn’t give me the comfort I needed. He didn’t care about me. He only talked to me to borrow money. That’s all he ever wanted.
He wasn’t Matthew anymore.
But I wasn’t Elizabeth either.
“Hey, you’ve done a bunch of drugs, right?” I asked him. “Do you know about one called Winter? Is it really that hard to get?”
“No? I have some.”
“What?!”
“Yeah.”
“Can you give it to me?!”
“I can’t. It’s expensive and I haven’t paid for it yet. I can seel it to you.”
“I don’t have any money. Mom doesn’t come back home for another few weeks. I’ll pay you when she does.”
“Oh, okay, I guess. I can trust you.”
Matt pulled out a a blue crystal wrapped in a plastic and handed it to me. “What the hell is this?”
“That’s Winter.”
“It’s supposed to be a liquid.”
“No, this one you smoke. It’s the same thing.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah. If you want more, my dealer sells it. I can give you his info.”
“Thanks, Matty! You’re the best,” I hugged him.
“Here,” Matt handed me a business card. “This is his number. Be sure to include, Op. 64. At the end of your message. That’s the password.”
The business card was empty in design with only a name and number.
Lyle Mendelssohn.
-
The blue crystal packed nicely on my bowl. I lit the flame under the bowl and let it heat up, just like I was told. The crystal melted into the blue liquid and that’s when I smoke it.
The smoke is glass and it cuts through my wind pipe and shreds my lungs. For a moment, I get scared that my violent coughing would spit out blood, but I don’t. I set the bowl down next to the rest of the crystal and wait.
Nothing happened.
I waited for a high that never came.
The woman in white doesn’t appear.
And then I wake up, walking through the forest. I forgot again. I told myself I wouldn’t, but this time, I know there wasn’t anything to remember. I was just a bit past the creek, on the path towards Cody’s treehouse.
I stopped for a moment to look around.
The trees were breathing. There wasn’t any clouds to hide the sun’s rays, and they were burning my skin. A squirrel ran past me and up a tree. It looked at me and tilted its head before climbing higher. I looked down and the dirt I should have been standing on was tall grass, reaching up to my knees. My hands phased right through the strands, they weren’t real.
Directly in front me, a blue flower stared back at me. This too was breathing.
I picked it, tucking it between my hair and ear and continued walking forward.
Chris was sitting inside the treehouse.
“What are you doing here?” I asked him.
“This place comforts me. It’s the only place where I can hide.”
“Can I hide here too?”
“I don’t think you can anymore.”
I sat next to him, hugging my knees to my chest. “I know. You asked me before if predetermination and free will could coexist. What if they’re one and the same?”
“Your existence tells me differently.”
“People keep telling me I’m special. I’m not. I’m just like everyone else, fucked up.”
“If that was true, I would be able to see their threads of fate, but I don’t. I see yours.”
“And what is it telling you?”
“That’s the thing. You’re not following any of the ones I was seeing, not anymore.”
“Y’know you talking crazy, right?” I giggled.
Chris laughed for the first time. “I know. I don’t expect anyone to understand me. I don’t understand me.”
“What’s your answer then? Can destiny and free will coexist?”
Chris looked at me. If he didn’t wear the same clothes all the time, cut and styled his hair, and had more expressions, he’d be handsome. But Chris doesn’t care about any of that. He doesn’t care what others think of him.
“I’ve yet to find the answer. I believe I’ll find it soon in you.”
Chris was another victim of what I did. I broke his mind.
He talked in riddles, never outright saying what he meant. I believe that he could see where I was heading. I believe he could the path of people special like him, special like me.
Jana Kramer said that God’s love was the free will we experience. Chris believed that some of us are predetermined to be in certain places in certain times. I believe it was his job to make sure free will doesn’t get in the way of that.
It’s nonsense.
It’s crazy.
I know.
Insane.
But that’s what the high was telling me. Not in words or thoughts, but I just knew.
“Do you feel that?”
“No.”
“The woman in white is coming.”
“You know about her? Who is she?”
Chris nodded, “I never met her. I’m supposed to,” he stood. “But not right now. I need to leave.”
“Wait, don’t go. She’s coming for me! Tell me who she is!”
Chris ignored, climbing down the ladder. I wanted to chase, but my butt and feet were merging with the wooden floor. A gust of wind blew inside the entrance, knowing the blue flower off my ear. I adjusted it back into place.
The woman in white was coming.
I waited.
I was going to remember this time.
But she didn’t come.
The sun began to set.
In my light jacket’s pocket, the bowl and crystal were inside. I packed more inside this time. The smoke didn’t shred through my lungs, but froze them instead.
Everything faded into darkness once again.
“Why are you back here?”
“I have to remember. If I remember, it’ll all be okay.”
“There isn’t anything to remember. You’re chasing after something you already have. Just because you can’t feel it as strongly as before, didn’t mean you lost it. It’s still in you.
“No, no…no, it’s gone. I can’t remember.”
“She’s not coming. This…this can’t be like before. We’re not safe here.”
“You’re not her?”
“You need to listen to me. Let go.”
“Let go of what?”
“Let go of you. It’s not too late to make things right.”
“No…no…I can’t. I…the body fell. I did that. I did that. Why did I do that?”
“
“No…no…no…No! There is one thing!”
I gasp back into consciousness.
I wasn’t alone.
In the middle of nowhere, the moon was shining down upon me. The forest wasn’t cloaked in complete darkness. I wasn’t near the treehouse. I wasn’t near anywhere close to town. I didn’t know where I was.
I turned towards the presence that was watching me from behind. From the sky, my eyes moved down towards the woman’s.
Her skin was porcelain white. Her hair was white. Her pupils were ovals and her eyes glowed.
This wasn’t who I was waiting for. She wasn’t wearing a white dress. She looked nothing like her, but, this was good enough.
“You’re the girl in the white dress. I’m sorry I couldn’t be a good girl. I tried. I did try, but I’m tired. I can''t do this anymore,” I said.
The woman looked at me, observing me. She didn’t smile, she didn’t frown. She didn’t do anything. She stood motionless.
“Aren’t you going to say something?”
Nothing.
“Life is beautiful? Is it? Is it filled with beauty and illusions? Is life great? Is it better than being dead?”
Nothing.
“What do you want from me?”
Nothing.
“Are you even real?”
The woman with the white hair blinked.
She left without ever saying anything.